#dont let this misery

[mainfaggot]

life is all about sitting in cafés with a latte and a cute outfit on

#hi everyoomfie. today I'm feeling less sad than usual. casual melancholy? maybe a bit #but deep sadness and even deeper melancholia? no... and that's okay because im more than my misery #isn't it so weird! I've spent a small period of my life clinically depressed and suddenly it feels like my identity #i dont enjoy it. i dont like it. im not fond. it's not romantic. it's miserable. but at age 16-17 when all my friends were transforming and #figuring themselves out .. i got sick #and now being sick feels like all i can be. but thats just not true!!!!!! so im trying to let myself float along #sometimes im miserable and sometimes im neutral and sometimes im even pretty good over the smallest thing (a song or a compliment or a well #made cup of coffee or a grin from the girl i like) #and yeah. whatever i dont know i contain multitudes and i dont have to be miserable forever. maybe I'll #recover from depression and maybe i won't #maybe i will and then relapse #but it's not who i am #z.post

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#its crazy how much easier it is to do things when youre not completely miserable lol #this past week has been weird bc ive felt really really good and like normal in a way thats kinds unfathomable #im hoping its the medication but my mood was already on an upward tilt and i was told it would take like 6 weeks for the meds to work #property but like ive been sleeping way more than usual. and by that i literally just mean 8hrs a night lol which is weird for me #like that never ever ever happens multiple days in a row. so idk. when i feel better it makes the 0cd way easier to manage as well #and im just generally not as anxious. on the more worrisome side i kinda just give less of a fuck so like i have an exam im not ready for #Tuesday and im just kinda like hm fuck that lol. ill go thru lil fluctuations of having a lot of energy too #like: i could run around in circles rn. i dont have to but i could. like yesterday i was out with friends and i was like bouncing up and #down while standing and rocking from side to side while sitting. which i kinda do anyway while in crowds but it was more to expend energy #last night i also got like 5hrs of sleep. so like maaaaybe ive been on the bleeding edge of mood elevation but for the most part it just #feels good and not destructive. like if i felt like this all the time that would b fantastic. its like oh so this is y ppl dont long to b #put out of their misery lol. depression? who? i dont kno her. sounds fake. but as soon as i fucking say that ill b fucking slapped back #down to earth. ugh. annoying. no emotional object permanence. i hope its the meds. if this is the person i am under layers of misery then #that is fucking so insane. we shall see. im curious to hear what the psychiatrist thinks of my brain when i follow up with her #i gave her my full dys1exia assessment which gives a pretty good picture of how my head functions. oh fuck i bet i would do waaaayyy better #on thise test if i took it in this state of mind. but anyway she has that on top of like 3 assessment sheets i filled out #dispite everything i still want someone to categorize me into a discreet box. tell me doc. am i really bip0lar? really really? #ur sure??? like 1000% sure bc my brain wont let me accept that unless its beyond a reasonable doubt. i just doesn't seem that serious. #i mean. it is but like ya kno. its not that bad. ay. this glob of mush behind my eyes runs me in circles #but for now thats ok bc i feel like i could run up a mountain or punch someone in the face lol #unrelated

[crimeronan]

hiiii i think i sent you an anon a while ago about how i read ur fics + followed you before cdth and i genuinely came into the fandom thinking hennessey was a major player and who got baited like a mouse w cheese into that (+ overall premise of messy girls being terrible, which i thought u were exaggerating and was delighted to find out you were not at all). i am still someone who pretty much only reads ur writing for trc ever atp because. god. yeah.

re-entering trc fandom and seeing a character who was 1/2 of that series (and who i adored so deeply) was completely erased was... something, and cannot imagining seeing it as someone who was actively in that fandom. this is not to say much except that i am very very glad about ur dedication to women who suck and make horrible messy choices, and also i am so glad her arc in canon was well-done !!!!!

thanks for this!! i think like 90% of hennessy posts in the fandom were/are made by me LOL. the nice thing is that the dozen hennessy enjoyers on tumblr have a kind of close-knit small fandom vibe (when we don't have each other blocked bc all of us have very annoying personalities), but she SHOULD have a bigger fandom.

#replies #i dont think it's all because she's a woman... some of it is because she's too much like kavinsky for half the fandom #i've met more k stans who like hennessy than ronan stans who even acknowledge her existence #but some of it is her being a woman for sure #imagine a boy who hasnt slept for years and is a snarly tsundere wreck who uses ppl throws them away and actually has a miserable heart of #gold. let's be real that description comes close to SO MANY of the most popular book and tv characters in fandom... #but since she's a woman her pain and misery and ugliness arent as easy to babygirlify #cdth #hennessy

[stars-and-blackholes]

Tumblr is the only bandom space I like at this point every other app has a stick up their ass. The fact that being a Petekey stan in 2023 is widely mocked, made fun of, and is controversial to like…

#petekey #like legit wtf is wrong with the bandom in general #why do we (not me) care so much about who tf people ship #rpf band discourse in 2023 literally put me out of my fucking misery #can we go back to 2015 I’m begging #Petekey ran the rpf game back in the day fr take me back #rpf #it’s crazy bc the same ppl r fine with other rpf shit #they just really hate Petekey #I do not think they understand the concept of fandom #instead of letting people be they specifically find Petekey posts and post them and make fun of the people who made the post #and share to their followers to do the same #literally what the fuck is wrong with you #if you don’t like a ship maybe oh idk #DONT FUCKING INTERACT???? #it goes both ways #why do I have to tell fellow adults how dni works and to mind their own business #shit is fucking embarrassing #they make me embarrassed to be in bandom #why does modern bandom moralize everyone and everything Jesus Christ #bandom #I’ve seen two rounds of Petekey hate within the past week on Twitter I’m so tired #I can’t even talk abt it on there bc I will get bullied #remember when I tried to call them out for how they talked about it and I got mass bullied and ppl mocked my age n (newly changed) pronouns #cuz I sure do! #petekey stans stay off Twitter and tiktok atp it sucks

[anaalnathrakhs]

ghezikjfjekzjkezn i cannot fucking WAIT to move out

#my mom went in my room while i was gone AGAIN #and she threw out stuff AGAIN #it wasnt even the guest room i squat in. i wasnt even gone 24 hours. it was MY room the one nobody else ever has to interact with. #she threw out the carboard boxes i wanted to keep to see if i could craft smth with them #and i knowwww i have a hoarding problem but man. it was a couple of packs of cereals. it was nothing. #i want to throw out everything i've ever fucking owned i want to live in an EMPTY APPARTEMENT i want to own nothing but a mattress #im going to try to talk to her reasonably about it #and like. i feel like a monster because theoretically it's lovely and in credibly nice of her to clean my room #but i did not fucking ask!! holy shit i think i'm old enough to have some fucking responsability over how my room is #it was rank but it's MY room it's out of the way nobody else ever HAS to go in #and i understand i understand yes age is a factor but also as long as i live w my parents (or anybody else) ill have to compromise some #but holy shit!! what if it's filthy? let me live in my filth until i learn to clean it up properly #you could at least fucking ASK. or WARN me. or i dont know. mind your fucking business. #jesus christ im starting to remember why i dont ask for help #broadcasting my misery #vent

[dirt-str1der]

Yaoi has poisoned all of your fucking brains !!

#Yakuza HATEblog #i dont want to hear about the new yakuza trailer where kiryu proposed to soemone he wouldnnever do that thats so scary #also they refered to sayama as the cop lady like please show some respect to her she didnt be annoying for you to forget her #ive become homophobic now because i hated seeing a particular post so much like that will never happen you are crazy #like no this isnt how kzmj can win they have never even once considered a future together because kiryus foreplanning ended when he lost #his brother and majima has spent half her life waiting for saejima to come back like they have more important things to worry about #and kiryu is not able to share his kids with anybody he cant simultaneously raise haruka with someone he has to either be a single dad or an #absent dad no in between and sometimes haruka is left parentless in the middle of that mess but its not kiryus problem hes driving cars amd #beating people up .... well he does care sorry for insinuating he doesnt ... he thinks about his kids every day #but i guarantee you he does not think about majima every day i swear it to you he does not care about her that much !!! i have to forever #stress this doesnt mean that he hates majima but it simply means that shes not his priority AND SHE WILL NEVER BE !!! kiryu will never #risk it all just for a suckle on that majiwilly like he doesnt like her that much ... if kiryu didnt even give majima so much as a phonecall #when he was ignoring her the entirety of y3 AFTER tossing her back to the wolves just so he can play house at okinawa.. hes not going to #suddenly realise that he wants to spend the rest of his life with majima hes going to be pondering how miserable he is while beating the #fuck out of people because sorry i didnt actually pay attention to the gaiden stuff is kiryu a hitman now or some sort of mercenary either #way its so hot that hes paralleled by y0 majima because hes so depressed and wants to kill himself and forced to wear a nice suit and do #things he doesnt want to while being kept on a tight leash like hohooho ... have sex with me ...!!! #im going to kill him myself to put him out of his misery if i have to ... just let kiryu run off to america and join the cia im kidding but #wait i just thought of him actually running off and sayama pulling some strings in the force to keep people from looking for him because #shes like a bigshot cop now ... i think she should be able to cradle him gently and keep him like a show cat #a shivering wet penis in the rain and she takes him in and gives him a loving home ... i feel a little embarrassed talking about hetships #but the concept of kiryu just being in her house and living with her is making me laugh like wow ... hes straight now.... like obviously hes #still not going to be like lets get married 🥰 but sayama would want to... i believe that she could forge their documents so kiryu isnt an #illegal immigrant anymore and she gives him an american name so john yakuza can become real ... its like a fake dating au but they really #arent dating theyre just having sex and acting out scenes from a kdrama but eventually kiryu will have to go back because hes so sad #without his kids and he needs to see them one last time to pass away peacefully. sorry i just remembered how much older kiryu was than #sayama like thats a bit funny ... like i still think kiryu should be into older guys or girls but like we cant always have that happen #like how majimas options for getting fucked by creepy old guys are getting lesser year by year because those old geezers keep dying and hes #old now too ... like theyre so old thats fucked. i know ive been saying how kzmj can never win but i do think majima should breastfeed kiryu

[bearsizedant]

love having to exist in this world as a human who is forced to deal with things

#sometimes you need to break up with your boyfriend and youre still not really like #mentally recovered from the anxiety of breaking up w your ex like 3 years before #:') #i dont want to leave him. but i cant keep putting myself through this #and like. blough #ugh #blech #woe misery and deepest sorrows have been thrust upon me #and midterms are next week #and i dont have a therapist #and my job is getting really stressful #and i have assignments and papers and still have the worst art block i have ever experienced ever #but specifically for doing personal stuff. no issues working on art for class. #and i feel like if i let myself feel anything i wont be able to get anything done #and i cant skip classes or call off work because i need to do those things and work is understaffed and classes are important #and i want to float face down in a river and ignore everything #bearsizedant speaks some words #i wish i was not mentally ill

[surskip]

i changed my icon to have the trans flag in it because somoene made a poll based on one of my posts (the safety quiz one) and tagged me in it and when i was scrolling to find it i found out they were a really weird catholic terf

#mine #the most annoying thing is that it got really popular and everyone is treating them as a 2 post set #im like rattling the bars of my cage I DONT KNOW THEM WE ARE NOT AFFILIATED AHHHHH AHHHHHH LET ME OUT OF HERE #ohh the misery every want to my enemy. #i wish tumblr let you explode people with your mind

[blasphemy-and-despair]

Genuinely great full for all the good things that happen to me, I'm begging god to let me get out of this misery and let me be happy

even if I die young I want to experience my life's potential

Please give me pe a c e

#i dont want to be here #let me out of my misery lmao

[craycraybluejay]

i saw my therapist and it was so amazing and then i got immediately un-therapized by a horrible person

#literally whats the point of therapy if im getting harassed and put in a bad mood all the damn time #like. i was so happy there and then.. gone #but im just gonna think about it harder and how nice it was and just how understood and seen she makes me feel #she is the kindest human being ever. ever. just the kindest #and i want to carry that kindness instead of all this misery people keep trying to shove onto me #you know what! #brick walling it! your shitty behaviour will not continue to bring me down! #you are a bad person and im glad you got yourself worked up over literally nothing! #enough to pick a fight with me and then get even more insane and threatening when after ignoring you for awhile i took the bait! #i gave you! every opportunity! to shut up and leave me alone with your nonsense! #i tried to set a boundary and you kept pushing. so no im not gonna let your horrible attitude make me sad for the rest of the night #you deserved to be reminded that youre a bad person even though youll continue blaming everyone but yourself #for what by all means you did #no one forced you to do it. #even my therapist who is supposed to be impartial sees how ridiculous you are #everyone around you sees it. you are a pathetic laughingstock and you dont deserve space in my head #i just wish it was Easier to ignore the constant barrage of madness #i wish i felt more stoic and put together than i present myself #and i wish you would shut the fuck up and leave me alone

[oshikiri-toru]

Character designs references I made for my Fantasy/FE COD AU.

World Map Below Cut

Terrain Map & Political Map References

#raah never drawing armor again who let me fo this #also: hate coloring put me out of my misery #loved designing the las almas gang tho 🥰 #I dont want to tag this bcs Im shy and lazy #my art

[vagueiish]

fuck i wish i could write. oliver just signed the deal with raphael (because he constantly feels like he's doing nothing to help the party or anyone and putting his soul on the line is the very least he could do, even though he helps everyone and also is like.... at max approval with the whole party and has finished or done the majority of everyone's personal quests)(he's trusting the emperor less and less, for Reasons, which i guess would involve more writing because it involves personal backstory shit, and he's already burned the bridge with gortash by crashing the party at the iron throne and saving wyll's dad, so his options to deal with the tadpoles are becoming fewer and fewer)(so. raphael it is. for now...?)

and astarion's basically just like 'well that was stupid, but what do i care, it's not *my* name on the contract lol' (even though oliver's apparently the first person he's truly cared for, bb, what are you doing? is this a 'id rather you hadn't, and i'm actually kind of upset but don't know how to deal and also you're a fuckin adult and made your choice, so what's the point in saying anything' moment or what, i am having trouble deciphering this right now)(and i know the dude is an ass, i dont expect him to be Nice, but your honor, theyre in love. and he did sound kind of pissed about it! or irritated/sarcastic??? but! how did he mean it? my brain is not cooperating, i hate this, lmao, i wish there was a follow up convo or something so i could pin down this fuckin plot bunny)

(and i mean. this is deviating into headcanon/oliver as tav specific territory, and is me trying to figure out how it'd figure into the thing i'd wind up writing for this if i do, and again, astarion is an ass and all that, maybe not the most emotionally mature dude in the realms to put it mildly, but he'd know, right? eventually, at least??? that he fucked up saying that? that however he actually meant it, it's going to sound very much like 'i don't actually care about you' to the first person he professes to actually care about?)(and in terms of oliver's canon timeline, i think he signs well after his own 'personal quest' would have occurred. so astarion would know about oliver's mother and all that baggage. not that he'd necessarily know what do to with it, but he'd probably have heard her be all 'yeah, i never actually cared for or wanted you, soo....')(which is an oversimplification and the whole situation is quite complicated, but. that's the gist he gets, so anyway...)

and then karlach. my love. the bestest of girls, she's angry and insisting on going to avernus one last time to save oliver's fucking soul because she's awesome and also because he's her friend and, tangent, i wish there was an option at all times to hug her, whether as a friend or lover. she deserves all the hugs, romantical or platonic or whatever, fuck, i want to hug karlach so fucking bad

and there is something *there* with all of this because oliver, sweet and sad and self-loathing, wouldn't have any of her help. he'd want her to let it go. gently, at first, but of course she doesn't, so then he gets pissed. because this is his decision. because it's not her name or anyone else's on the dotted line, so why the fuck does she care? (hm. sounds familiar.......) let it go. let him help for once, not be a burden on the party for *once* (as if he hasn't spent the whole adventure bending over backwards not just for our merry band of adventurers, but everyone he's come across)(because it's not enough, never enough, it'll never be enough to make up for being him) he isn't worth the trip to avernus, isnt worth her forcing herself to face that place again. and he's rarely loud or angry but he's both now, the exhaustion and frustration and uncertainty and fear re: the future that he's been trying to ignore pouring our of him, horribly misdirected at probably his best friend in the whole group, so of course the rest of the party is going to hear it and it's just.... there is something here, i feel it in me bones

(also. tangentially related, but didn't raphael imply that fucking up the contract would fuck over the whole group and not just whomstever is signing it? said something about hanging you and your friends from meathooks while watching the world burn??? so either he's full of shit or the contract actually fucks over everyone if broken, which..... oliver as tav would not have signed if breaking it affected anyone else, so this might all be moot. i dunno. just rambling)

#long post #but #it's kind of funny because i had oliver bring only astarion to sign the contract #because i imagined oliver wouldnt want the rest to know but he was still unsure about the decision #and wanted moral support lmao #he'd refused at first but overthought it and came crawling back #i dont know. maybe he was hoping the man he loved would try to stop him but he didnt.... #anyway..... #so it kind of feels like astarion got back to the rooms and was like 'oh btw he signed the fuckin contract lmao' #which i imagine karlach would flip out on him like 'why the *fuck* would you let him do that?' #to which astarion's snarks like 'what do i look like? his mother?' before maybe having an aha moment #hopefully having an aha moment #and maybe he notices that night that oliver doesnt ask if he's managed to feed at all today #something he's asked pretty much every day since astarions big vampire reveal #in some form or another. sometimes direct 'have you eaten?' sometimes a subtle 'you good?' #maybe he notices and maybe he knows something's wrong. but what the fuck is he supposed to do about it? #fuck. i dont know #there's something here. i know it #oc: could it be this misery will suffice? (oliver) #scott sucks at bg3 #bideo gaems #to the void with love

[lovesickeros]

trying to get some writing done but I'm in absolute shambles who built this site bc it needs to be thrown away immediately. just shut it down.

#hm yes i AM still alive. dont question where ive been its complicated (hsr) #whoever decided shoving an ask into my drafts so i can work on it also doesnt let me edit it on mobile.....ROT #wdym i have to leave my comfy bed to write ohhhh i am at my wits end someone please come end my misery #very trying times. infuriating even. i am malding. seething. #is there a fix. am i just meant to suffer. is this site gaslighting me bc i cant find anything abt this. i feel like im losing my MIND #i can edit the draft just fine on pc and my OLD drafts remain editable. just. not new ones??????? #head in hands i am having a midlife crisis and a mental breakdown over this

[demadogs]

god i hate when i see concert videos of absolute fucking banger songs and the videos completely steady and perfect like ARE YOU FR JUST STANDING THERE LIKE🧍‍♀️🤳 ?????? BRO WHY ARENT YOU LOSING YOUR SHIT

#this is not a anti-filming at concerts post fuck that i get wanting to relive it. film all you want BUT DONT LET IT STOP YOU FROM DANCING!!! #my videos of misery business are fucking deranged it looks like im on a rollercoaster but I DONT CARE IT WAS SO FUN #paramore #will never get over last night i fear

[buppypuppy]

sigh

#the worst part about venting to a Person and not to the fucking void like i far prefer to do is also like. #how do you fucking continue after it yknow. how do you keep talkin about things how do you keep going on it's so fucking awkward. #welp! Sorry you're sad! let's talk about something else! #and its like. i dont wnt to sound like a tortured everybody pity me soul i just mean in the sense of like. #it's not easy for fucking anyone. #either youre the person going well sorry you feel like shit let's talk about something else #or youre the person whose like well sorry i just dumped a bunch of misery and my fucking problems on you. look at this . what the fuck ever #i hate it. #jane mary cry one tear

[anaalnathrakhs]

mental health facilities looooove to only have inpatient available when it would make things worse

#''you have to be proactive and search for treatement'' I DID #I SHOWED UP A MONTH AGO AND ASKED TO BE HOSPITALIZED #DONT TELL ME NOW ''ooh the only thing we can propose is hospitalization why are you here'' #IT'S MY LAST RESORT OKAY #everything else is blocked off #i have no idea what i'm supposed to do #i absolutely do not trust any of your sections to handle eating disorders in a way that's adapted to my case #this system is fucking hostile to anybody who doesn't have the exact same priorities than the official ones #or who has slightly unusual problems #or who doesn't want to sacrifice all happiness to appear healthy #jesus fucking christ #i'm gonna do it. i'm gonna try to get an appointment for the fucking. psychological center or whatnot they gave me #im gonna try to get back in contact with the hospital nutritionist #but my question is fucking: what for #the plan is like: complete this program of painful things for this goal you don't want and then you're allowed back into human life #okay sorry i can't live without hurting literally everybody around me have you considered euthanasia instead perhaps #i'm not interested in achieving your goals #i just want to be okay and live an okay life just let me go back to school #post cancelled actually i just remembered again the problem is me #the problem is me the problem is me and as long as i live i will be me with me #broadcasting my misery #vent