#i dont want to leave him. but i cant keep putting myself through this | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

starillusion13 · 8 months

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Did you have fun?

Pairing: Hongjoong × f!reader x Seonghwa

Genre: Mafia, Yandere(slight) , SMUT W.C: 3.1k Warnings: killing someone( not imp. he was disturbing me), blood, blindfold, vibrator, possessiveness, handcuffs, blind play(?), orgasm denial, overstimulation, oral(f rec.) [I dont think anything more needed]

Network: @cultofdionysusnet @k-vanity

Request from: @disneylover1998

[Reblogs and Reviews are always appreciated. Thank you for reading and have a nice day ahead. Please always take care of yourself everyone.]

I really don’t know what’s going in here.the person just texted me and helped my imaginations go wild and now am here with this fic💀

MINORS DONT INTERACT UNDER THE CUE! 🔞

*under the cue*

“Leave my hand.”

“Girl, let’s have fun. Why are you fighting against me? Just let it be easy and let’s go.”

You tried to pull your hand again but it’s all in vain when his iron grip on your wrist and also, he be pulling you towards the back exit. You are cursing yourself for the infinite time and as why you came to this club today. If you were at home then you might have been chilling and watching some drams on TV while waiting for your busy boys. But no. You have to be a rebellious and go against their rules and thought to sneak out of the house even when you know how much punishment you are going to get for such act. You love those punishments sometimes but never in a while you thought yourself being getting into such problem where you are currently into. If you were not drunk then atleast you would have tried to fight him, you mean a punch or a kick might be but your brain cant handle how to put the pieces together. Dumb you.

He has almost dragged you to the passage for the exit way and you are currently begging mentally for someone familiar to approach and rescue you from the situation, it really doesn’t matter if they inform to your boys afterwards, the main thing is to get away from this shithead who has got balls to touch you or even dared to drag you along with him. Tears flowing down your heavy mascara and eyeliner decorated eyes, it was supposed to highlight the eyes during the whole night not making a mess and make the tears more prominent in black.

“Haven’t you heard what she said, Leave her hand.”

Wait. Why this voice is familiar? I mean….Oh oh He is here. Don’t tell me if I turn around, I have to face a devil right now. You shut your eyes and take a heavy breath and then you noticed how the man holding your hand has stopped and annoyingly turns around. You are also turned around because of his harsh movements but you are not willing to open your eyes to face the reality. I mean you wanted to be saved but not by KIM HONGJOONG!

“Why does it matter to you mister? Go find another chick for the night. This one is for mine.”

And then that maniac laugh. The well damn laugh which he always shows to his enemies before he welcomes them to Hell of a ride and now this man is going to say Hello to the Living Devils.

“Chick?”

His gaze travels over your body and his jaw clenched on how revealing your dress is and you are wearing it when they are not around with you and moreover this dirty hag is holding your hand. HOLDING HIS GIRL’S HAND. You know this man is dead for sure but maybe you are equally dead.

“Yeah yeah. These girls are really fun to spend night with and who knows maybe keeping them to myself and then I can bring money through her and-“

You can hear the choking sound which makes your eyes flutter open when you can feel someone snatches you away from the grip but now you are under a familiar hold but honestly this hold is tighter and rough. The man is choking on his own blood as someone has slit his throat and then you can see who is holding you. Well, PARK SEONGHWA with fire in his eyes and a bloody sharp pocket knife in his other hand.

“He was talking too much.”

“Well done.”

Hm. Thanks. You wanted to say this but you just gulp on seeing the same raging eyes of hongjoong like the other. They both are furious and you are well aware of the fact that they don’t appreciate when someone else touch you other than them, they don’t appreciate their gang members also. Hongjoong called his men to clean the mess up and do everything possible to make the people shut up who has witnessed the scene. Now what about you!

“So, my dear Y/N. Can we know why are you here?”

“Hwa….I was…I just wanted to have fun.”

“Fun? Did you have that? Without us?”

No Hongjoong. Please stop asking me like this. With a god damn sinister smile resting on his face and eyes daring your trembling figure to speak more. You can confront seonghwa but not him, you don’t know why but he is always the one who can make anyone speak up the truth or make them agree with him even on a lie.

“n-no.”

“Of course you cant have fun without us, sweetheart.”

“I want to go home.”

“So do we.”

Well, a tensed atmosphere inside the whole car ride after Seonghwa literally dragged you outside from the club towards the car. His grip was harsh than that man and a thought came across your mind. Would have been better if that man took you with him? Maybe in the midway he would have become unconscious and you would have been freed. Atleast you wont have to be in the situation s you are currently in. You slapped yourself for this and they glanced at you for your weird behaviour. Not a single one spoke a word to you and you were thankful that you didn’t have to stutter anymore.

You are strong and you can fight for yourself but not when these two men are in their angry mode on. You literally fear them but also deep down like their clenched jaws, raging eyes and heavy breaths when pissed off. You smiled to yourself on this thought but quickly regained your composure. On reaching your house, you quickly got down the car and almost run towards the door. Entering the hall, you can see it empty because during the night, no maids and servants are allowed to the private portions of the mansion unless they are called. You took a turn towards the right for the stairs to quickly run towards the room and lock the door and wait for the next day to face them with a clear head.

“Where do you think you are going?”

My room. The only safe place that seems to protect me from both of you. I don’t want to die right now. Dumb you have to smile at them right now to which they raised their eyebrows.

“I need to take a quick shower as I spilled drink on myself previously.”

Saying this, you excused yourself from their intense gaze and as soon as you are behind the closed doors, you released a deep breath which you didn’t know was holding all these times. Slipping out of your mini body hugging dress, you went into the shower. You can feel the alcohol exhaustion leaving your body a bit and getting relaxed under the cold waters and your lavender shampoo scent. You spent inside the shower longer than usual because you can find yourself drifting into so many thoughts at the moment. Maybe you danced in the club a bit too hard that your body is so much exhausted. Cleaning yourself, you wrapped the towel around you before exiting the bathroom. Oh gosh! Why is it so dark? You are sure you left the lights on before going into the shower. Then maybe power supply cut off or a thief? But the windows are closed and the doors are closed? Thief coming from the door even that in a mafia’s mansion?

How ironic!

Your slow footsteps towards the door come to a halt when you feel arms wrapped around you from behind and you parted your mouth to shout when a palm pressed to your lips to make you shut. Your eyes went wide in horror.

“Do you want to call us baby?”

Damn. What are they doing in your room? Aren’t they supposed to be in their room and busy with their works and all and moreover aren’t they angry with you?

“J-joong?....What are you doing here?”

“Why? Were you planning to go somewhere again?” The voice from your front ask you.

“No no, I thought you were busy or something.”

“Do you want us to be busy so that you can think all the bullshits and then act on your own like always?”

“No.”

Atleast let me wear some clothes before scolding me. The view is becoming clear when seonghwa turns on the neon lights in the room. Now you can see both of them are in their tees and jeans atleast well covered unlike you who is fully exposed just covered with a towel.

You feel warm sloppy kisses all over your shoulders and neck and Hongjoong is smelling you in between and teasingly grazing his teeth over your soft skin. You moan against his hold and then when you noticed some familiar things kept on the bedside table. They are not thinking to do what you are guessing right?

Your view got blocked when seonghwa comes in front of you and holds your face in his hand, looking dangerously yet has a softness in them, just for you. Your toes curls under his touch and your knees feel weak under his gaze and also when the man behind you is kissing all over your exposed skin like a hungry creature. Seonghwa attach his lips to you, you can smell the alcohol as soon his lips pressed to you and your one hand holding Hongjoong’s hand holding the towel over your belly and the other one holding seonghwa’s hand caressing your cheeks. The kiss is more addictive and you are getting drunk more than a drink could make you feel it. Teeth biting down the lips to explore each other more, licking the teeth with tongue, exploring inside the mouth and your mind going in daze.

Retreating himself from you he went to the bed and roll over his tee exposing his abs which are always showcased for you. Hongjoong stops his abuse on your skin and pull you towards the foot of the bed. Your back of the knees hitting the bed and him standing in front of you, hands holding the secured knot of the towel. His other hand moved towards your chest and pushed you backwards. Your back hits the soft matress and then you can see your towel hanging in his raised hands. Alarmingly, your hands come closer to hide your exposed body but that was not to their liking as Seonghwa’s hands pulled your hands apart and you can feel metals clasped to your wrists and attached them to your head board. Handcuffs?

“What are you doing?”

“Nothing. Just you can see this towel was blocking my view and I don’t like when something becomes a restriction in the path of my desires.”

A warm hand caress your cheeks to get your attention and you can see the devilish smile painted on his face.

“You said you didn’t have fun so we should make it up right?”

“Uh oh that…no no…it’s okay…I did have fun…a little?”

“A little?”

You pressed your feet on the bed to pressure down to lift up your body but Hongjoong pressed your knees down and settle himself between your legs. He also removes his shirt and then rest his palms over your knees. You can feel the tingling sensation in your lower belly but you know you are getting nothing if you behave like a brat right now as they are already pissed off with your earlier deeds. You can feel another set of hands moving across your chest and flicking the already hard nipples in between making your breath heavy and moan out his name.

“Seonghwa….”

“Hm? Do you need something?”

“Yes…I need you…I need both of you.”

“I don’t think so.”

“why? No no. I really need you.”

Seonghwa look towards Hongjoong and they silently communicate in between them and their nod indicates that they agreed on something. On what? Your anticipating eyes following their movements. Seonghwa grabs a cloth and damn that’s a blindfold. Before you can protest to it, he put over your eyes and let you to rely on your other senses from now. A hot breath tingling near your ear and lips gazing hovering it and licking the earlobe.

“Lets begin the fun now.”

You can feel hands lingering over your exposed thigh and your legs are moved more apart to stretch you out, hands gripping your inner knees. You can feel something cold touching your thighs and gliding up to your heat. You squirm under the touch but you are hold still by the strong grip. The cold thing stopped teasingly on your clit and it got pressed down there. A jolt spread across your body when the vibrator starts abusing your clit.

“Hongjoong..Joong”

Nobody answered you.

“Joong….Hwa…seonghwa…Hongjoong…”

“You need to guess who is this baby?”

Who? Isnt Hongjoong between your legs? You can feel someone teasing your entrance with the fingers, parting your folds and spreading your arousal around it. Another hand massaging the breast and pinching the nipples. You can feel shuffling in between your legs and when you tried to close your legs, it got stopped and stretched out more. You are already squirming under their touches. Mouths taking in the tits and covering it with their saliva and sucking it and biting around it and hands teasing your entrance. You can feel someone peppering kisses all over your inside thighs and sucking them in between and other sucking your chest and throat and jaw and licking them with juicy kisses. When you feel someone just licks a long strip of your arousal, your back arcs and then you can feel the knot building in your stomach which can burst down any moment.

“Ahhh!”

“Who is it baby?”

How am I supposed to know? Both of their voices are coming from the same place and you know they are making you to guess them but how are you supposed to guess when your whole body is shaking for it about to release.

“Joong?”

“Are you asking us?”

“no..no…It’s Joong…”

A harsh slap hit your folds which getting you the climax sooner. They can feel your movements and are sure that you are about to cum. The burning sensation indicating that you have answered it wrong.

“Hwa..Its you…”

“Where is the fun here? When its not Joong then its obvious that it will be Hwa unless you are thinking about someone else fucking you.”

“No. No. I’m sorry. Please.”

“Please what?”

“I need to cum. Please please.”

When you were just near to climax, the feelings got ripped away from your whole body as the vibrator stopped and you were forced still against the body so that you cant move anymore.

“No no no why?”

“Why?”

“I was going to-“

“cum? But we don’t want you to cum until you are guessing it right.”

“How am I supposed to guess when you literally fuck me the same way and you both are…rough.”

“Rough?”

“Please.”

They remove your blindfold and you your eyes squint from the releasing of the tight blinding fold and you see Seonghwa smirking down at you from between your legs and Hongjoong standing beside your head with blindfold in his hand which he soon throws it on the floor.

You don’t know what they are doing but you are excited to know their next moves. The vibrator turns on again and you close your eyes in the sensation as your body is reacting fast to get to the climax. Hongjoong leans down to kiss you and damn his kiss is rough and like a beast he is devouring on you, hands abusing your swollen breasts. You feel a slap on your thigh and then you can see the dark expression on the other man because of the lack of attention. Your eyes following how he bends down, his iron grip still on your thighs, leaving behind the marks. His muscles flexing while devouring your heat. The two men eating you out, one above and one down there. If they continue like this, they might suck out your life at this point. You are squirming under their hold. The familiar knot building up again and this time you are desperate for your release, your head thrown backward, body arching, giving more access to Hongjoong to leave his markings. Seonghwa still abusing your clit with his tongue and one added finger hitting your G-spot and you know you will fall apart soon. Whwn you tried to close your eyes, Hongjoong gripped your jaw and harshly made you face him.

“Eyes on him baby.”

Your moans getting lost in Hongjoong’s mouth and you cant think of anything else other than the desperation to release. You are just about to hit the high when again everything stops.

Every lingering touch, abusing, sucking and the damn vibrator was turned off. Tears roll down your eyes and you cry out, whimpering and trying to close your legs in the exhaustion of getting ripped away of the heat.

“whyyyyy?”

“Are you really asking this?” Seonghwa asks you as if he doesn’t know how irritated you are right now. Well he is lowkey liking the fact somehow.

“Okay Seonghwa lets see if she can hold her cum until we say her to let go. If she goes along with us then we can think to let her come. Yeah?”

“I think that’s something fun.”

Seonghwa’s hands start rubbing your heat with the vibrator setting in a low level and you can feel yourself overstimulated and these slow movements are making you more frustrated. You are trying to focus on the movements in your heat and giving deaf ear to everything in your surroundings.

“Eyes on me or I am going to stop here.”

You somewhat managed to make an eye contact with him but its getting too much and tears falling down your cheeks.

“Too much Hwa…please…its too much…”

“Should I stop? I think you had too much fun.”

“NO!” “Hwa. She is saying no, then what about now?”

“Did you have fun?” well this damn question.

“No no no no.”

“Hold it in or you are not going to cum.”

That’s how you know, its going to be a long night until they are satisfied with their punishment but that’s fine. You are again going to sneak out if these are going to be the punishment nights for you disobeying them.

______________________________________________________________

DONT PISS OFF MY DEVILS! HIHIHIHI HIHIHIHI!

______________________________________________________________

Taglist: @mymoodwriting @justhere4kpop @vvshere @anyamaris @yeoobin @icchyi @jwnghyuns @piratequeen-queenofgames @dinonuguaegi @oreharuuu @eriny123

[perma taglist! open: dm/reply/send ask to be in it]

#kvanity #cultofdionysusnet #ateez #ateez au #ateez x reader #poly ateez x reader #ateez hongjoong #hongjoong x reader #ateez seonghwa #seonghwa x reader #ateez fic #ateez scenarios #ateez imagines #ateez fanfic #ateez smut #ateez poly #ateez seongjoong

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notzawzark · 1 year

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GHOST (mw2) X MALE READER (platonic)

NOT ROMANCE, uh, reader kinda already had a backstory, so kinda bordering on oc, but things like his hight/skincolor/appearance in general is kept blank.

its kinda dogshit looking back on it, so dont expect it to be like.. good, in any sense of the word, its riddled with plot holes and like. writting inconsistency. and also the writting as a whole is just.. mid

TW/CW's: torture, implications towards past abuse, maybe other stuff, but you get the gist, if you your not for any of this, dont read, keep yourself safe

“so..” I break the silence that had once held the room hostage. “you're ghost.” I didn't expect him to actually get captured, let alone get captured alive. Looking through all the intel we have on him, by all means we shouldn’t have been able to get him alive.

I doubt doing this will prove fruitfull.

Were both sat In an “interrogation” room. Only recently was it promoted as such. It used to be more of a “torture and kill” room. Its empty for the most part, only a metal table, two old wood chairs sitting across from each other, and a few pieces of paper with a pencil on my side of the table.

A door behind me, no windows, walls made of some bleak concrete. There are two guards outside the room blocking the door. Not for me. For him. Hes tied up, the boss was never one to take chances. Neither would I with the record and reputation this man has racked up.

“you probably know why you’re here..” I look around “ in this… room.” He doesn’t budge. The mask makes this infinitely harder. “you should probably get comfortable.. I don’t see you leaving anytime soon.” I sigh. I don’t see him leaving ever. Hell probably get killed before he ever gets that luxury.

“ill be completely honest with you. My.. boss, along with all my associates think that what im doing is pointless. They all want to tear into that skin of yours.” I put my feet onto the table. Taking a deep breath in trying to figure out how to word my next sentence.

“I don’t think any of that will work.” Its blunt, but its true. “I think” I pick up the pencil on the table and start tapping it absentmindedly. “that no amount of pain, or threatening of your life, or humiliation will make you to tell them what they want to hear.” I look him dead in the eyes, trying to gage how he reacts. “I think that shit just brews spite.”

Nothing. Honestly its kind of uncomfortable. Staring into his unblinking eyes. They always kinda look glazed over, and red, like he doesn’t sleep much. “I hope you can help me prove them wrong. Because once im done here today theyre going to start torturing you.” I look away. The eye contact is to uncomfortable. “so, whats your real name, ghost?” he doesn’t respond. “what is it.. jack? Is it.. jason?” (I wrote this at 2 am, and thought that jason was ghosts brothers kid, im pretty sure that isnt right, but ignore it, his name is jason now) theres something in his eyes when I say the name jason, but I don’t think its his name. maybe someone he knows. Or knew. “ill be honest im trying to think of british sounding names, and I cant find any.” I crack a joke. Obviously, he doesnt respond.

I sigh. This is going to take awhile. I suggest a few more names. Jason was the only thing that he reacted at. A small reaction however. It could have just been my mind playing tricks. “what about your family?” hopefully this gives me more. “what was your mom like?” nothing. “your dad?” an eye dart. There. That. That is what I needed. I hum, its low, its clearly satisfied. He picks up on it. “your dad, was he a good man,”

Shit. Nothing. Hes either correcting himself now because He knows what im doing. That im trying to get a stir out of him. Or I was mistaken about his reaction. I continue. “was he a bad man?” nothing. Im going to kill myself. “my dad was a bad man.” He shows a hint of confusion. I assume he wasn’t expecting me to talk about myself. “I mean he wasn’t a horrible man from what Ive heard. But he left me and my mom.” I get up from my spot on my chair, and hop up, sitting on the edge of the table to his right. I can see his face better now.

“and a good person doesn’t leave their family, now do they?”

He shifts his focus over to my new spot. He wants to talk. I don’t know what he wants to say, but I can feel his eagerness in the air. “from what I hear you have a dead brother.” Surprise, then anger, then sadness. He looks away. Off to his left. That makes things harder. “how old are you?” he looks to the table as he asks me a question. He seems genuinely curious. “well your definitely British, Jesus.” I remark on his accent. He looks up at me, unamused with my observation.

“im 20.” He doesn’t buy it at all. “19” he seems even less convinced. “17” his eyes narrow. “fine, 16..” I mumble looking at the ground. I don’t see his reaction, but it doesn’t matter. “what is someone your age doing workin’ for a group like this?” I side eye him. “and what is someone of your status doing getting caught by a group like this?” he grunts and goes back to looking to his left.

I sigh, I probably shouldn’t have retorted with that. I might just have sent myself back to square one. “what do you do with your free time, mr. ghost?” he doesn’t respond yet again. I definitely sent myself back to square one. I get off of the table, back into my seat across from him, “have you ever had any pets?” I look up at him, to see his reaction.

It’s a very telling reaction. Hes uncomfortable. “yes? No?” nothing. I look back down, grabbing a piece of paper, and the pencil, I start drawing him. He doesn’t know that though, or at least I assume he doesn’t. I might be a bit more obvious then I want to be. “whats your favorite animal?” I look up again. Hes uncomfortable, less then before, but that’s probably just him regulating it. “mine are snakes.”

He closes his eyes. Ive definitely found something. Theres a moment of silence. “I like the big yellow ones.” He opens his eyes. “I also like the folklore and stories behind snakes.” Hes disengaged. Fuck.

I back down. “who is your favorite artist.” Safer. “music, painting, writing it doesn’t matter.” I focus on my drawing. Im not looking to get a reaction. ”don’t have one.” He answers. “why not?” a genuine question. “don’t have time to have one.”

“well I mean, you cant be working all the time, you get a few weeks off after each mission right?”

“no.”

I hum a response. High pitched. Acknowledging what he said. I begin to get more focused on my drawing, talking less and less. Eventually were both sitting in silence, the only noise in the room being my pencil scratching against the paper.

“you like art?” he nods to the drawings in front of me.

“it passes the time.”

He doesn’t say anything after that. An hour passes by. Im done. Well. As done as ill ever be. I stand up, pushing my chair back. Eyes fixated on my art. Analyzing it to no end. I pick it up, and place it infront of ghost, while I stand close beside him.

“your eyes are expressive.” It sounds creepier then I meant it to. He looks down at it. He really looks at it. Not just a glance over. taking a few minutes. for a bit I think hes fallen asleep until he speaks. “impressive.”

That’s all he has to say? He looks at a drawing for three minutes in silence, and all he has to say is one word? ‘impressive????’ that’s it????? This guy is gonna make me shoot myself. “thank you.” I try my best to make it sound earnest. A very difficult task.

I sit back down at my chair. Hes still looking at the art. “theyre probably gonna come soon.” He looks confused at first, but then it clicks. Hes gonna meet those associates i mentioned earlier. “but if you give me as much as a hint of what they want to hear, I can probably stop him.” Ghost doesn’t respond. Quiet as always. I sigh and lean back in my chair. He looks down to the drawing again. “you ever been drawn before?” I ask

“negative.”

What freak talks like that? Negative??? I get hes in the military but Jesus fucking christ. “you can keep it if you get out of here alive.” I laugh at my own joke under my breath.

“hold onto it. I don’t want it getting bloody.” He looks up from the drawing. Completely deadpan. I cant tell wether hes joking or not.

The door behind me opens, I get up off my chair. “heyyy.” I greet the man at the door from my spot. Hes big. Big big. Probably 6’7-6’8. Sturdy build. Hes always been scary, but I guess that’s a part of the magic. He rolls in a cart im unpleasantly familiar with. It has an assortment of metal tools. For all sorts of different things.

“(reader).”he acknowledges me. his voice always finding a way to unsettle me. He walks past me, dragging his cart of goodies with him. He stops. Grabbing onto ghosts chair, the wood making a shrill sound as he trudges it to the back wall. He takes his cart with him. Ghosts breathing has gone rapid. Mine probably would too. Scratch that. Mine definitely would too.

I grab my drawing off the table. I don’t want to be in here. I start to leave. “(reader), leaving so soon?” the big man turns around, some horrible device already in his hands. Im quiet. I have to watch what I say around him. “yeah.” I search for the right words. “you know I don’t like loud sounds.” Its true, I don’t. theres a tenseness in the room. Like a twig bending before it finally snaps.

He turns his normal sick expression into a hallow smile. “how forgetful of me.” He turns back to ghost. Whose eyes are darting around the room. Probably looking for a way out. He closes them shut tightly, and I find that my queue to leave. I quickly walk through the door, past the guards, and out into the hallway.

That night wasn’t a very restful one. the concrete walls might as well have been made of paper.

boom, you made it to the end, wow thats rad, heres an emoji : 🤯

ALSO if i do continue this, ghost and reader are prob gonna have like a father/son or older/younger brother bond. but yeah. uh i hoped you liked the fanfic.

#ghost mw2 #simon riley #call of duty mw2 #call of duty modern warfare #simon riley x reader #x reader #male reader #platonic reader #mw2 fanfic #fanfic #reader fanfiction

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spacedlexi · 9 months

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I totally get your point about the kenny/Jane thing. In my opinion the best outcome is letting Kenny kill Jane (honestly Jane brought that to herself, all of them knew that if he lost someone else he would finally go ballistic and she deliberately put him on that spot to prove "a point") and then staying in Wellington, because Kenny acknowledges that he's not fit enough to care for her and AJ anymore, so he begs Clem to stay. He's aware that he's not right for the job, and he accomplished his mission, he stayed loyal to Lee and left. It also gives the opportunity to speculate whether he finally found peace after all his suffering. (Even if the original idea was him offing himself in the Virginia lake after that)

i always find myself struggling to talk about S2 because i know the writers changed direction (multiple times?) as the season was releasing??? which means character arcs and motivations were altered to fit this new direction and its like painfully obvious sometimes especially when it comes to kenny and jane and luke

i hate when writers cant commit to the bit. and that kind of happens with kenny. which is weird because even tho they decided against him literally being carvers character (which wouldve worked perfectly for a luke v kenny ending), they still try to give him that carver storyline. like.. i could see kenny easily being in carvers position at howes. just like lilly in S4 with the delta. these two characters wanted leadership and never liked any pushback from the people around them. i can also see the kenny we knew from S1 turning into a man like carver in S2 (a dude who has lost a lot and whose methods are becoming more extreme to keep people safe) and i think kenny being carver instead wouldve made carver a much deeper and more interesting antagonist. like carver is fine. he works although his beef with this 11yo is weird. but we dont buy it when bonnie tells us he used to be a cool guy. we've only ever seen carver as a murderer. but if it was kenny in this role then immediately we add a lot of baggage to this character and his relationship with clem and her new relationship with the howes group. like we know kenny and we know what hes capable of but we also understand his motivations and we do believe that deep down kenny does want whats best to keep his people safe. and clem reappearing in the life of THIS kenny wouldve been Huge as he wouldve already begun his descent and clem is the only one who can really get through to him (like they still try to do when all the adults are like "uuuh clem you go talk to the angry man theres no way he'll listen to US"). i think they were afraid of making kenny an outright antagonist though and instead tried to have their cake and eat it too which just kinda...leads to mess... commit to your characters dark spirals and downfalls i hate this wishy washy bullshit. plus having kenny as carver instead wouldve centered clem in the howes discussion more. as it stands she just kinda gets swept up in everyone elses bullshit and just has to go along with it. classic child experience tho

jane pretending that aj was dead to intentionally push kenny over the edge just to "prove" to clem that hes dangerous was SOOOOO unnecessary jane!!! like we know girl!! we know!!! and when he tries to kill her for it its like...i know you saw this coming jane so how did you expect this to end?? was she just hoping she'd win the fight? she even tells clem to stay out of whatever was about to happen (plus she does genuinely put ajs life in real danger by leaving him in that car where they were lucky to hear his cries). but i think this problem stems from them changing it out from being a luke v kenny showdown. i think that ending wouldve culminated more naturally as their beef was slowly building since they first met. disagreement in leadership styles. that silly little middle school "choose who to sit with at dinner" thing felt like foreshadowing of a luke v kenny fight that just never happened. they needed to create a reason for kenny to attack jane as jane doesnt care about leadership she cares about keeping herself safe so the whole aj thing just....feels forced. like... jane why....Why........ where did your self preservation go...its like your whole character...

so...yeah.... i have a lot of conflicting feelings about S2 and its ending. on my recent playthrough i had clem tell kenny that maybe lee Shouldnt have come to save her in S1, trying to be all "boo hoo im so sad i get everyone i love killed boo hoo" and kenny responds by saying he should SMACK her for that???? i was so shocked that i missed taking the screenshot of it. i gasped audibly... turned into a "matter of time" situation for me (even tho things seem fine enough in the S3 flashbacks hes weirdly normal again and still talking about boats). kenny is definitely a broken man hanging on by a Singular Thread by the end of S2 and jane snaps it. this is why i like leaving kenny behind at wellington. clem and aj are definitely the light of his life at this point and he wants whats best for them. leaving them at wellington is really the best thing he can do for them both and its very sad because we know he Needs them. and clem would want to hold onto whoever she has left so its hard for her too. throughout all the seasons clem and aj are seen as the light in the darkness the hope for the future yadda yadda and kenny losing that? yeah i can see why the virginia lake idea was a thing. but thats ALSO why i like the clem shoots kenny ending. this man just wants it to be over he misses his family so much he cant take this shit anymore. staying with kenny into S3 really feels like we're stretching out his character as far as possible. it kinda feels like they hit the reset button on him and hes back to talking about boats. i feel like post S2 they just didnt really know what to do with him or jane. i feel like their endings in S2 are the most narratively fulfilling for their characters and i want clem to enter S3 on her own

#replies with lexi #twdg #incognito #oh season 2.......youre such a mess....#i love deconstructing narratives :)

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raven-at-the-writing-desk · 1 year

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weird question but do you know any place i can find a summary of chapter 5? or if you have one? i dont like vil so i cant really make myself sit and read the whole chapter but i wanna move forward and read chapter 6 but ALSO feel like i should know the important plot points so im not like "wtf is going on"

I mean 🥲 I don’t like Vil either, but I’d still highly encourage you to read episode 5! Getting a summary isn’t really the same as experiencing the story for yourself; the visuals, songs, and voice acting really helps to sell the emotions and the stakes. Who knows, maybe you’ll leave episode 5 with a little more appreciation for Vil (or the other characters; they all have various cute or heroic moments)? He’ll come back to play a major role in episode 6 anyway, and his character moments won’t hit as hard if you didn’t read 5. For example, there’s a particular line of Rook’s in 5 that Vil repeats in 6 which really hammers home his character development since 5.

… Although I won’t lie, episode 5 has veeery slow pacing because it’s basically one long, dragged out training arc 😂 so I’ll summarize what happens anyway; just know that I’d still recommend actually playing through the story yourself, especially if any of these plot points seem too cool or too interesting to not witness yourself. I’ll be glossing over things that aren’t relevant to the main conflict, so 💦 please keep that in mind!

Sooo Yuu starts off Book 5: A Beautiful Tyrant by finally starting to put the pieces together; they visit the Great Seven statues and confirm their own suspicions that the figures in their dreams are the same as the people depicted in the G7 statues (though their actions are framed as more “evil” in the dreams).

Yuu tells Adeuce and Grim about Mickey! They suggest that Yuu takes a picture of Mickey with the Ghost Camera so they can use it to investigate who or what he is.

There’s a dorm leader meeting to give exposition about an upcoming event. NRC will be having a two-day cultural festival in about two months! They will put on a bunch of activities, as well as showcase their clubs and give presentations on the art and research their students have produced.

One of the biggest events is the Vocal and Dance Championship (VDC). In EN, this has been changed to Song and Dance Championship (SDC), so I will refer to it by the English name to avoid confusion. It’s basically the music industry equivalent to what the Magical Shift/Spelldrive tournament was in episode 2; it’s a golden opportunity to launch many people’s singing careers in the entertainment industry. (A lot of talent agencies will apparently clamor to sign you on for a professional debut if you’re a SDC finalist!) The favorites to win this year are Vil and Neige Leblanche (twisted from Snow White).

I won’t mention every single time this happens, but throughout the chapter Vil has these segments where he asks his phone assistant Mira (TWST Alexa or Siri, basically) who the fairest of them all is. Mira always replies with “Neige Leblanche”, which seems to greatly frustrate Vil.

Anyway, Adeuce and Grim are interested in entering SDC because if the team representing their school makes it to the finals, they’ll get a cash prize of 50,000 thaumarks (5 million madol in JP).

Ace and Grim are pumped about trying out for NRC’s team, but Deuce is hesitant and bails.

The group eats lunch and then chills in the courtyard; it’s here that they hear singing and follow the song. It was Epel who was singing down a well (a Snow White reference), because he thought the well would help project his voice more clearly.

Deuce recognizes Epel as the crying boy he ran into at the end of episode 4! Epel says he recognizes Yuu and co. from the Magical Shift/Spelldrive tournament; he also heard about them from his classmate Jack.

Epel tells them about how his dorm leader Vil wants him to practice singing and that he’ll be a part of the SDC auditions. However, it seems that Epel isn’t eager to do this (which Deuce notices).

Vil comes to check on Epel and catches him talking to Yuu and co,; he is disappointed in Epel for “slacking off” and tries to drag him off. When Epel resists, Vil reminds him of a promise they made, which makes Epel fall into line.

Ace, ever the nosy one, picks a fight with Vil (because he doesn’t think he should be bossing Epel around). Epel begs everyone to not do it, but they fight anyway and Vil is, of course, victorious.

This reinvigorates Deuce’s motivation to be in SDC; he wants to help Epel, who seemed to be so hesitant about taking part.

Adeuce and Grim practice dancing on the basketball court. Here they run into Kalim and Jamil, who are also planning on auditioning since they already enjoy singing and dancing. The Scarabia boys give some pointers on dancing to Adeuce and Grim.

Azul shows up; he needed to find Jamil (they’re classmates) because Professor Trein needed his help with handing papers out. The boys banter a bit and Azul reveals that he was bluffing in episode 4 about live streaming Jamil’s breakdown and OB to the world. Only the Scarabia dorm members are aware of the incident.

Tying up loose ends from the ending of 4!! Kalim was able to convince everyone to let Jamil stay on as vice and to give him a second chance. Jamil claims that he is behaving for now to atone what he did, though he also says he will work hard to prove his worth.

The Scarabia boys tell Adeuce to sign up for SDC auditions via a “Rook Hunt”, who is in class 3-A. They go and do this and uh (well, Leona cameo but that’s not important) 🤡 well, Rook does what he does best and spooks them.

Cut to the VDC auditions! We see other competitors, one of which is Lilia (who delivered a holiday card from “M.D.” to Yuu) and Cater! They share some tea about the mysterious Shroud brothers, who enrolled at the same time and seem to do everything together.

Cater wants to show Grim a video, but he’s forced to sit through an ad first. It’s an advertisement for an apple soda featuring Neige (who, if you’ll recall, is one of the favorites to win SDC).

We get to hear various characters (Cater, Ruggie, Kalim, Jamil, Epel, Ortho, and Lilia) sing part of TWST’s opening song, Piece of My World!

Auditions wrap up and at first Vil wants to pick only the best performers, a she believes this will give him the greatest chance of beating Neige. However, Rook stops him and suggests that he instead pick people who are rough around the edges so Vil can polish them to perfection. Rook points out that he sees a lot of potential in Adeuce in particular.

Rook shoots an arrow at Adeuce with a letter attached to it letting them know they passed auditions, so they should report to Pomefiore dorm. Yuu is also told to come along.

The gang pulls up to Pomefiore and meet Kalim and Jamil there. Turns out the Scarabia duo have also passed!

A bunch of Pomefiore students start attacking them, but they manage to battle their way to Pomefiore’s ballroom where Vil is waiting. This was all a test he arranged so they could prove their worth to him.

So the SDC team is: Vil, Rook, Epel, Jamil, Kalim, Ace, and Deuce.

There’s only a month left until SDC. Crowley wants Yuu to let the NRC team hold their training camp at Ramshackle, since he is convinced that living together will help them build teamwork. He originally thought of holding the camp at Pomefiore, but he didn’t want some students to feel out of their element. They get bribed with a cut of the prize money and the promise of Ramshackle renovations 😂 so Yuu’s like “Okay, sure. C’mon in.”

Everyone moves in, and Vil starts imposing new rules on the SDC team members. For example, he takes away their snacks (including an apple pie and chocolate cake that Trey sent with Adeuce) and says he has designed low calorie yet nutritional meals for them. (I want to be clear here: some people misinterpret this part as “Vil is starving them like Mama Rosehearts starved Riddle!” which is NOT true. Rook says that this is not a diet in that sense, but to help them be in shape. Vil wants them to eat healthily so they can perform at their best.)

Vil gets a phone call from his manager who says he has been offered a role in a biiig movie production… as the villain. The hero for this movie will be played by Neige. Upon learning this, Vil becomes irritated and insists his manager reject the offer. He doesn’t care how much money he could earn from this, he says that all he wants to do is “stand the stage until the very end”. Vil then tells his manager to not contact him again until SDC is over.

It is revealed that the voting for SDC is done via audience poll, not by professional judges. This is an important detail to keep in mind for later.

Vil shows the group an original song (Absolutely Beautiful). In EN, he says he commissioned it but in JP he is more vague with his wording, which has led some fans to conclude that Vil personally worked on producing this song. (Uhhh, they also sing Piece of My World at some point.)

He tries to show them a video to help everyone get a feel for the dance choreography, and another ad featuring Neige plays. The boys talk about how Neige is such a popular celeb these days, and how he’s a student of Royal Sword Academy so that makes him their rival. Vil says something cryptic about how he’ll finally defeat Neige this time.

Vil picks himself, Epel, and Jamil as the main vocalists. Jamil is surprised and starts to say that Kalim should be picked instead of him, but Jamil stops himself and accepts the role.

Epel says he isn’t sure about being picked, but Vil again brings up their promise which makes him comply.

They keep practicing and Epel pisses Vil off when he says the dance is too girly. Vil chews Epel out for having outdated views on gender and then places him on a solo ballet regimen. Deuce asks to join Epel for his ballet lessons!

A ghost delivers 10 crates of apple juice to Epel. This is unsold stock from his family’s business, which is struggling at the moment. They all chill and sip on the apple juice!

Vil interrupts to lecture them on skincare. Ace asks isn’t there magic to make them instantly beautiful? This seems to annoy Vil, who says that he’s not interested in “beauty that only lasts until the strike of midnight”.

Yuu wakes up in the middle of the night to find Kalim singing outside Ramshackle. He confesses that he’s frustrated about not being chosen as a main vocalist. Kalim’s so used to having everything handed to him that the experience of being overlooked surprised him. He says that he wants to try hard so that he will genuinely be picked for something because he’s actually the best choice for it.

It’s revealed that Jamil was listening in on Kalim!

Adeuce sneak bites of Trey’s apple pie and chocolate cake. Vil catches them in the act 🤡 Adeuce suddenly fall over and can’t move!! Vil tells them he put a curse on the baked goods using his unique magic/signature spell. Fairest One of All allows Vil to lay a curse for anything he touches. The conditions he sets must be fulfilled, for even the original caster cannot lift it. (Vil cursed the pie and cake so that if anyone eats it, they cannot move until morning comes.)

Yuu sees Mickey in the mirror again but fails to take a picture of him. They begin to wonder how their original world and Mickey’s may be connected.

This isn’t relevant in the story of 5, but it may be important overall lore-wise. Apparently it is possible to transfer into NRC; Kalim originally did not go to NRC but the dark carriage came for him one month after Jamil enrolled.

Epel becomes frustrated with practice and wants to quit the team. He fights with Vil and loses, prompting Epel to run off.

Deuce suggests maybe Vil be nicer, but Vil snaps that Deuce has no room to be worrying about others or taking back when he’s falling behind the rest of the team. Vil compares Deuce to Ace, saying that the difference between them is too obvious. Ace tells Deuce to focus on himself more, and Deuce gets mad because someone naturally gifted like Ace wouldn’t understand him.

The team is really fractured at this point, so Jamil suggests taking a break. During this break, Rook advises Vil that he show Epel “the power of beauty”, to which Vil agrees.

Rook and Kalim give Deuce a pep talk! It leads Deuce to nabbing a magical wheel (blastcycle?) from Ignihyde and driving himself and Epel to a local beach. (They also see RSA on the way!)

The two shout their frustrations at the sea, and Epel’s dialect comes out full force which shocks Deuce. Epel then explains how he doesn’t want people to underestimate him because of his looks. On his first day (before he was sorted into a dorm), Vil tells him to button up his shirt and comments on his cute face, which causes Epel to instigate a fight.

Vil wins and tells Epel that “the weak obey the strong”, so until Epel is able to beat him, he has to listen to everything Vil says. This explains why Epel usually hides his dialect; Vil says that he doesn’t have a problem with Epel’s love for his hometown, but that there is a time and place for the dialect and his rude attitude. In this case, he must address his superiors properly.

The two first years have a heart-to-heart! Epel talks about wanting to become stronger, and Deuce talks about how how his own strength is how amazingly stupid and stubborn he is.

Epel gets a phone call from his mom!! Their business was suddenly flooded with orders from all over the world, and she says a customer told her it was because of “Vil”, whom Mrs. Felmier recognized as Epel’s dorm leader. She asks him to thank Vil for her.

Vil made a Magicam post featuring the Felmier family apple juice! All of his fans want to try the same juice, so they’re buying it en masse. This is the “power of beauty” Vil wanted to show him, that being beautiful and being strong can be powerful in their own rights, and that until Epel understands that, he can never defeat Vil.

They’re interrupted by some random NPCs that want to ride on Deuce’s (borrowed) ride. The NPCs get aggressive, but Epel is able to catch them off-guard with his cutesy looks. This lets Epel get some hits in!

The NPCs are beating them 😔 but suddenly…?! Deuce’s magical power overflows…!!

We cut to a later point that day when Epel and Deuce return, apologize to Vil, and rejoin the SDC group. Deuce confronts Ace and swears to him that he doesn’t plan on losing to him!

Crowley gives everyone in the team tickets for them to invite people to see the show. Yuu gives their ticket to Malleus.

The cultural festival has arrived at last! Yuu spends some time looking around at the attractions with Grim. We get a bunch of cameos from other characters.

While looking through some of the exhibitions, they see some NRC mob students bullying some short RSA students. The NRC boys intervene, and then Chenya comes to pick up the short kids (which are twisted versions of the Seven Dwarves).

Yuu and co. go to the SDC location (the Purple Stage) for rehearsals. Surprise?! Neige appears!! Vil is curt but professional with him.

NRC does their practice run and, for a brief moment, Vil is considered “most beautiful” (he checks with Mira). Buuut then Neige and the dwarves do their practice run (EN removed the song Minna de Yahoo), and Neige is on top again 😭 (Their performance isn’t even that well-executed, they’re very clumsy and everything. The song also isn’t very unique; it’s an arrangement of a popular children’s song from the Shaftlands. However, it still makes the filming staff feel nostalgic and they gush about how cute Neige is and how pure he makes them feel.)

Vil gets a scary look on his face and leaves; Rook, Kalim, and Jamil notice the look he made 👁️ 👄 👁️ Errr, Vil shatters his phone (“mirror”) in a fit of rage.

Yuu follows Vil backstage because they have a bad feeling. They see Vil offering apple juice from Epel’s family to Neige.

Neige is about to drink it until Rook intervenes and tells him (his “Snow White”) to hurry away because the staff need him. Rook takes the juice for himself and tries to drink it, but then Kalim cuts in and knocks the glass out of his hand.

It starts bubbling on the ground 💀 Vil cursed the apple juice! Kalim says he recognized the face Vil was making; it’s just like Jamil before he went mad over winter break.

Rook says he wanted to drink the juice even knowing it would harm him because he wants to believe that Vil wouldn’t tarnish his beauty and hard work by stooping so low.

The spilled juice vaporizes into a toxic mist, and Vil begins to Overblot 😔 He is different than the previous Overblots in that he is somewhat self-aware of what is happening to him (he shouts at everyone to not look at him, at his “ugliness”; the ugliness here is not literal, Vil is most likely referring to his “ugly” actions (ie the attempt to poison Neige, perhaps even kill him).

Jamil comes on the magic carpet to whisk everyone somewhere safe! He lets them know he used Snake Whisper to get Neige to put on a performance. This performance lured people away to watch him (plus, the first years went around getting rid of loiterers), so the SDC stadium is empty except for OB Vil, Grim, Yuu, and the NRC SDC group.

Deuce saves the day by directing the damage he has taken so far back at Vil…! This is the unique magic/signature spell he unlocked on the beach, Bet the Limit (Double Down in EN).

In the post-OB flashback sequence, we learn that Vil’s dad was a famous actor as well! It seems that Vil has consistently been casted as the villain ever since he started his own acting career. He resents this, because according to him, “a villain never stands on the stage until the very end, they can only watch the happy ending from the sidelines”.

Vil was also bullied in the past, although it is a different kind of bullying than Azul suffered. Other kids assumed he was as cold and cruel as the villains he portrayed in films, dramas, and musicals. (We see young Jack defending Vil!) He worked very hard in hopes of landing a hero role—but he was still never chosen.

Vil wakes up and finds himself upon a ruined Purple Stage. SDC can’t happen like this…

Malleus shows up with his ticket and uses his magic to repair the stage—he came to see their performance, after all. (It is also here when Yuu finally learns who “Tsunotaro/Hornton” truly is.)

SDC happens!! More cameos from characters in the audience as they vote.

RSA wins by one vote. That deciding vote was… Rook! Now, he gets a lot of hate for this move, but 🥲 he explains that he couldn’t lie to himself; he was genuinely moved more by Neige than his own group’s performance. Additionally, he says that even if they technically didn’t win a competition or get the most votes, so long as Vil has the strength to believe in himself… then no matter how old or disheveled Vil is, he will always be fairest of them all.

Vil collapses and cries…

Neige comes over and??? Turns out that Rook is a HUGE Neige fan 😂 (When first moving into Ramshackle, Vil remarks on a thick book Rook brought with him. They never looked at what was inside, but it was a bunch of Neige bromides.) Neige says he recognized Rook as his fan (“R”) because Rook called him “Snow White”.

Aaand Neige says everyone should sing together :)) (Again, this was removed from EN.) Vil suffers a lot :)))

Crowley is mulling over another loss to RSA and encounters its headmaster, Ambrose the 63rd (twisted from… Merlin???). Ambrose remarks that he senses strong magic in the area (probably residual from either Malleus or OB Vil) and that he’ll have to keep an eye on Crowley’s students.

Yuu finally grabs a picture of Mickey, but then notices Grim is missing so they leave to find him.

They see Grim on the Purple Stage eating Vil’s OB stone. When Grim notices Yuu there, he attacks them.

We finish off on a preview to Ignihyde. Idia gave a presentation at the cultural festival that made a lot of people interested in having him as an intern. Ortho offers to read the email opportunities to him, but in a resigned tone, Idia says to delete them all because he thinks he “doesn’t belong anywhere” so it’s not worth trying to.

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its-koili · 2 months

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hey guys. sorry for being gone for so long. heres an update

(tw for: mention of violence / gore, general distress, mental health issues)

(tw below)

basically i had a huge mental health crisis. i was having 24/7 constant rolling panic attacks from may of 2023 to january of this year. my last big meltdown was in early february. been processing a lot of CSA trauma and some recent trauma that ive gone through. i think i talked about my panic attacks before leaving social media but idk i dont remember. isolated myself from absolutely everybody.

the main thing that made me leave was that while i was keeping up to date on the g3n0c1d3 (censoring bc idk how tumblr is about it), and when i was looking in the replies / related of the awareness videos, i came across 4 accounts dedicated to using gore for clicks / shock. not videos of the g3n0c1d3 (thank god bc of how they were using the vids) but of unfortunate every day situations and cam footage. like, the kind of stuff you could see on liveleak back in 2010. just out in the open on twitter. they all had usernames like "(insert number here) ways to die)". they were all content farms for click/ad revenue. it was too much it was a huge trigger and i had a full on meltdown. the bluecheck ppl on twitter were using the replies of the videos people uploaded for raising awareness to upload mindless g0re for money. the fact that peoople have 0 compassion for human life sent me into a spiral that i couldnt get out of. (i reported 3 out of the 4 accounts i was able to and 3 got taken down but 1 is still up and it odesnt seem to be uploading the hardcore g0r3 anymore. so thats good. but that was one of the reasons i left social media. ive been keeping up to date w the news but thats it. i left my socials entirely and ive only been on my phone to look up recipes or to use my computer for media research groceries and gaming and shows

that was the main thing that pushed me to leave. i just couldnt take it anymore. during the start of my crisis last year, i was planning on taking a small break, but all of that pushed me over the edge and i dropped everything. after that, my issues got worse and i dont remember most of it. thankfully. but i couldnt bring myself to talk to anybody. i isolated myself and just. laid in bed. but im doing better so i guess thats good

on another topic ive beeen nervous to post this on main but during all of this (ive talked abt tihs a little bit on my priv before i left) i found out that im a system a long while back. my dad (one of my abusers) had/has DID and it terrified me to think that i could be anything like him. i also knew cereal abuser who pretended to be a system to get away with stuff/abusing their friends (and then years later admitted that they werent a system and siad that systems are fake.) LOTS of tears. lots of crying over this. was in denial for a few weeks. cried some more. then eventually came to terms with it.

i dont want to post abt my system online too much bc i dont want to act like this is some fun trendy thing bc its not. it makes day to day living very hard (some lighter/funnier issues that make it hard are: arguing with an alter bc YOU dont know where THEY put YOUR MEDS, not being able to cook because one alter can and the other cant, your art style not being consistent because their styles are different). i dont want to really make it a massive part of my identity online bc its not a big deal! theres just Multiple Little Guys in my brain. so. im a system! im the same but....this explains why i dont remember talking to certain people SUIDHUFHX. i always felt bad. makes conversing with online friends hard especially if icons/usernames are changed. ill make a separate post about this someday thatll go into detail a bit more.

i went years thinking it was just "kinning" but it wasnt lol. it turns out that your personality completely shifting, tastes in food / music / art / media changing, the way you walk / talk dress changing, and having complete memory blackouts when you """"kin shift"""" isn't normal. /lh (dw ive had a lot of time to come to terms with this)

but basically right now ive been spending time getting to,,know myself?? iive been using simplyplural for myself for several months and im uncovering a lot of my memories / trauma ect bc alters can write down what they need to in the chat. so i can go back later and read it. its been v helpful!

i will not be coming back just yet. i have no interest in using social media rn or drawing or writing unfortunately. ive been working on my original stuff here and there but i havent been drawaing fandom stuff bc im not hyperfixating on a fandom.

also. some things have come up. im not going to say anything until the party in question is stable/safe/comfortable before i even suggest anything for context (i dont plan on talking abt anything at all unless they start talking publicly). right now i am helping someone through abuse. their wellbeing is my #1 concern. i'll think about other things after im sure theyre okay.

i dont really have any resolutions as to how things are going but i do feel better and im not having as many panic attacks. i dont really know where im going with this now sorry. just trying to brush over the basic topics before i go. idk if anybody remembers me bc ive been gone for so long so idk if im just talking into the wind but if i am thats fine honestly this is helping me reorganize my thoughts (i type these vents out a lot on docs so i probably wont remember posting this hiudhvu)

other than that. i dont draw or write anymore. i think in the past 6 months ive drawn like....5 things. its. weird. im completely disconnected from fandoms now. coming up to a full year of not having a hyperfixation at all.

my bday was on the 6th. im 27 now im very old (everybody forgot it asides from my husband (and the people he reminded) n my abuser). ive been trying to cook and bake more and ive been playing video games again. planning on getting back into drawing soon and working on my original stuff. when i come back im planning on redesigning my profiles and updating my social media bios and stuff bc theyre so old. also ill make a section on my carrd for my system. there you go theres some positivity to the update nxfjdfjh. sorry if i dont seem very enthused im very tired so typing has been a chore hfuidshuifv.

sorry that this was a lot or if it seems disjointed i was trying to put down as much into this as possible without making it too long

bye!!! see u all soon!

#vent

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urostakako · 10 months

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ok i know nobody here probably cares about marriagetoxin but people's reactions to the latest chapter have really been bothering me and i cant leave my own comment cuz i have to download the stupid app so

ok so everyone's saying "ohhh teruaki got brother-zoned" "happy pride month" "hes gay" "hes just saying that cuz he didnt want hikaru marrying someone else" you guys are not understanding!!!! thats not whats happening!!!

i myself dont really like teruaki i was weirded out by his behavior and i didnt want to understand him or empathize with him but its not that at all and people reducing it to "happy pride" is grinding my gears!!! thats not whats happening!! proof that people dont talk to their families you guys dont get it. he's not angry because hes gay (even if maybe he is). its not even a brother complex thing even tho those kinds of feelings have something to do with it. its cuz he has abandonment issues

hikaru was like the prodigy and whatever and teru was always left behind right. he worked his butt off but he always got left behind and i guess in this kind of clan they cant show kindness to each other but hikaru helped him out and to him as a neglected child it must have seemed like the kindest thing in the world. it must have seemed to him hikaru was actually helping him a lot. and since there was no one else really around he got attached to him and i guess akari idk. mostly hikaru tho

so he worked his butt off trying to get to a place he knew hikaru would be cuz he assumed they would stick together in the clan and he wanted more of this cuz he was neglected. and then he receives news that hikaru is leaving and getting married and in his mind he probably thinks 'oh hes leaving me again' and that probably made him angry cuz that means all the work he did to make sure he could stand in a place he was sure hikaru would be was all for nothing cuz hikaru is leaving anyway. so he really doesnt care about the clan at all deep deep down, that became a priority to justify his feelings. in reality holding the clan as a primary value was more or less an incentive or an excuse to get hikaru to stay with him cuz im guessing teruaki is an only child so he doesnt have siblings that will be there with him. so it doesnt occur to him about hikaru's happiness or that hes getting married to get an heir for the clan. what he sees is that hikaru is leaving him, he'll be all alone, and everything he did and the pain he put himself through was all for nothing. thoughts of the clan became his values because he thought they were hikaru's values and he thought that would get him close to him and fighting hikaru was an outlet for all that anger. he simultaneously wanted to push him away and keep him close and hikaru wasnt understanding so that riled him up.

and ig these conflicting emotions are what makes him go like insane to crying to insane again cuz he himself doesnt understand what he wants here and disguises it with 'come back to the clan!! >:(' he gets close to the root of the issue when he wants hikaru to kill him (cuz if teru lives he would go back to the family and be alone and have to take up the mantle) but thats still not what he really wants. and by now hikaru is starting to understand whats going on here when teru od's and asks him to kill him

so its not that he got brotherzoned, being his brother is probably what teru actually needed the most, an assurance that hikaru was not leaving him, that his (familial!!!!!) love isn't unrequited, and that his efforts werent pointless. and mostly that hes loved and not getting abandoned again. because they were kids back then and hikaru is an adult now and hes still growing. now he sees all of this and just how bad living in that family was affecting teru. so him extending this invitation that 'yes i still love you yes im still going to be here yes i want you in my life' as opposed to teru thinking it was only him who wanted hikaru in his life is what he really needed to hear. its not brother-zoning. and thats why teru is relieved at the end. and like maybe there is some kind of other feelings going on but i dont think theyre truly romantic in nature. i think its kind of like the thing where youre in a bad situation and you meet someone good and you think its love but its really not and that leads to unhealthy attachment. i think its that

but people reducing this conflict to 'teruaki is gay' no!!!!!!!!!! noooooooo theres MORE to it than that!!!!!!!!!!!!! stoppppppppp

#its more complicated than that!!! anyway #i didnt want to write anything like this especially ab a guy. especially ab a guy like teruaki but idk those comments were fr bothering me #this isnt a defense for him but like. ppl learn to understand complex emotions challenge pls 🙏#ok whatever nobody look at me #this is a stupid thing to get upset over for a stupid manga ktyrsydfkutdghfdgjh #marriagetoxin #aricouldyounot

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puppyonmain · 8 months

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Gender rambling between 4-5am? Not sure who even keeps up here as sporadic as i post, but!

Gender is so weird. I have, for most of my life, never really considered my appearance. It was something that i “fought” for but never really played with? I’d toss on a tshirt, some cargo somethings, sneakers, and call it a day because for me, it was the least sensory hell and something that didnt make me dysphoric that apparently set the tone of being a trans man. I cut my hair into a rooster comb and for the most part that was my set hairstyle. I never really saw it as gendered and i liked it i guess? I liked my hair out of everything but even still sometimes sticking it up felt like a chore or could be a sensory challenge. I have been out of the house for half my life now, and yet i feel like i never got much of that teenage exploration most my peers got. Its weird to be exploring it in your thirties but here i am. I spent my early twenties as a trans man, and only managed to disown it in my late twenties during pride month when i went back to test driving they after realizing being a man gave me dysphoria too.

I have never particularly felt like a man nor a woman, but something in between. Both, sometimes neither. These days i feel like i fluctuate and so i have been cozying down in the ambiguity, thinking i might be some kind of fluid but my queer ass really feels at home with terms like faggot butch, nonbinary, gender noncompliant, transgender, or dyke. I like the idea of any pronouns but sometimes i feel sad people automatically clock me as a he/him 95% of the time because i have facial hair. They is fine for me, she is interesting, and viewing myself through she has been a wild ride in terms of things coming full circle again to my agab, in some respects. I dont hate it when i view myself as masculine like a dyke.

It’s weird because i dont want to use micro labels and yet regardless of acceptability of said labels (people dont like the reclaiming of slurs), i find myself fearfully wading through them, scared of the judgement and scared of folks accusing me of some lack of authenticity. Scared that folks will slap a stamp on my head (such as trans man) and look no further. And i suppose thats inevitable in some respects because i often just say im queer and leave it at that. Sometimes queer is all i need. People will make their assumptions and wont always understand and thats okay. The people who matter will get it.

I shaved my hair off wednesday afternoon and as much of a siren call as it was, i was scared it was going to look bad! I cant lie, though, there was something sweet and delightful about having my owner run her hand over my freshly cut head and tell me i really was her bully now after she helped shear it all off. I took some weird relief in the act and something was nice about seeing myself reflected in the mirror with a new sense of self. It was like the feeling of buying a new canvas to paint on or starting over. It kind of kickstarted me into engaging in how i look again instead of just idly accepting not looking at it in the day to day because it didnt really feel important.

Last years yule made me think about clothing, but i had kind of picked it up and put it down. I feel like this “drastic” hair cut has been a relief for not having to manage hair and how sensory overwhelming it can be, but also for my gender expression. I have thought about makeup since. I have enjoyed wearing dangly earrings with a bald head. I have been thinking about how i could feasibly look cute if i just picked up xyz or did something scary and alluring. And who knows, it might change? I might grow it back out to a rooster comb again. But for now i am enjoying the ride, i am enjoying feeling engaged with myself because i deserve more than just throwing on essentials and living my day without considering myself. It is nice feeling like i have some kind of autonomy over my appearance for a change instead of settling into something “acceptable” or just cruising along without much thought. I hope i can pull my partners along because they deserve that feeling too.

Its times like these where i wonder if this feeling of autonomy is just something people feel by default or if they work more or less to get to this point? I dunno, but i am happy to have gotten here.

#chatter #gender #long post sorry #just thinking my thunks

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a-court-of-moonlight-and-ire · 30 days

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auggggggh ive been wanting to make this post for an eternity but i havent been able to because I keep trying to explain myself WELL guess what. Im giving up, heres the song Wenn ich tanzen will from Elisabeth: das Musical with english translations, does it not make you think of what if Feysand was interesting

youtube

If you dont wanna watch the whole thing for some reason, I'd like to highlight this part

Fly!

I'll fly alone!

I alone want to accompany you through night and storm

I don't want to be accompanied anymore

Not even by you — I won't let myself be led

You're free only through me

Only through me

Only for me

For me!

For you shall make the way for me

I'm going my own way now

I've seperated myself from you — Leave me alone!

You've fallen in love with me

Because there's no freedom without me

And no one can understand you except for me!

Oh and also this part (theyre kinda singing over each other at this point)

I'm strong enough on my own!

You were only strong as long as you still thought that you were weak

I'm not calling for you!

You will call for me!

I'm not seeking you out!

You will seek me out!

I'm beginning to love my life!

Soon you will hate it!

Okay, I actually lied at the start of this post, I am gonna try to explain myself. My ideal not-boring version of Feysand that I think of when I listen to this song is like. Okay so, the structure of the story is fundamentally the same (except it takes place over a wayyyy longer timespan) with Feyre initially just kinda going about her new life as a traumatized fae and Rhysand coming to pick her up once a month, which ends up helping her because the SC manorhouse is kind of just covered in a bunch of depressing ooze rn (figuratively) and she cant really leave and Rhysand is basically giving her an excuse to hang out in a place without ooze, so its easier for her to have a good time. Rhysand is kinda awkward around her initially because hes basically like "ohhhhhh shit oh fuck, the woman that I tortured UTM as a fucked up way of coping with what Amarantha was doing to is my soulmate!!" because i really hate the fact that Rhysand apparently already knew about her and dreamt about her before she was even fae, it shouldve snapped in place for both of them during that little scene at the end of ACOTAR but Feyre has no concept of how a mating bond is supposed to feel like so shes just kinda like "huh, that felt kinda weird. anyway"

(this inexplicably got very long. like, 6 more paragraphs long. so much for me not explaining myself)

So yeah, Rhysand is hardcore struggling trying to figure out how to win her over despite all of the torture, but fortunately for him all she wants is to be left alone, so he does that, no putting her in unecessary danger and no asking insane favors of her even though theyve only been hanging out for like two weeks. Idrk how, but at some point they would start to get closer, this all happens very slowly, its a true slow-burn. And then one day Tamlin is like "I cant stand it, I need to find a way to break this bargain" so he collects a bunch of guys and he tells Feyre that theyre gonna go out and travel through all of Prythian and maybe even beyond in order to find a way to do it and itll probably take them atleast a few months. And then when Feyre says she wants to come along because this is about her after all, hes like "no, its dangerous and also, if Im gone then the Spring Court is gonna needs its Lady" and then he puts the shield around the manor because yeah, Im keeping Tamlin shitty in this one, sorry. This is about me trying to make Feysand good but trying to figure that out with Tamlin being in-character is too complicated for me rn so Im just gonna stick to the character assassination (thats something SJM probably also said while writing ACOMAF)

So yeah, like in canon, Mor gets her outta there and then Feyre starts permanently staying the night court except shes not going out on political errands because of the war with Hybern because honestly, this whole war plot is so stupid and it feels so unecessary like cmon Sarah girlie, I can tell youre not actually interested in writing politics, just stick to the romance and the healing journey. Anyway, during her stay she inadvertantly starts spending more time with Rhysand and realizing that he suffered too and that hes only human or fae or something like that, which helps her deal with her UTM trauma because she kinda thought of him as the embodiment of all her new trauma, so seeing that hes really not that and that hes just a person that she can make peace with helps her

Rhys is falling head over heels for Feyre because she just reminds him SO much of Cassian while Feyre is kinda conflicted but starting to develop some affection for him, and again, this happens over the course of many many months instead of just two. And after all that time, Feyre is starting feel pretty good and she doesnt really wanna go back to the spring court if shes totally honest with herself and then oops, Tamlin's back! He finds her and hes super worried like "oh my cauldron, feyre, my servants told me he just kidnapped you and they couldnt find a way to free you!! but Im here now and Im taking you back home dont worry" and Feyre feels guilty and shes basically like "yeahhhhh this was totally necessary, I definitely wanna go back... home, its just that he exploited this loophole in the bargain so had to stay here. Totally against my will, oh no it was so bad" and Tamlin tells her not to worry, theyve found a way to break they just need to get back to the spring court so they do that

At the Spring Court, Feyre gets to thinking. She thinks shes basically completely defeated her trauma by hanging out with Rhysand and shes like "well, my trauma was pretty much the main thing that made mine and Tamlins relationship not work, so now that my trauma is gone its gonna be all smooth sailing from here" and she just willfully ignores the fact that his way of coping with his UTM trauma was suffocating her and making it impossible to deal with her own issues and when she pointed it out to him he had a panic attack about it. Also, at this point it kinda hits her that shes been spending all this time with Tamlins enemy and feeling this affection for him that she hasnt really felt for Tamlin ever since theyve been back from UTM and their relationship started getting really bad, so now she feels very guilty and wants to rush into a marriage with him after all. Also, maybe by this point shes revovered enough to take a step back and start focusing on her surroundings again instead of just herself, and she realises that the people of the Spring Court would really need this kind of big celebration after this long time of turmoil and suffering, so maybe that plays into her decision to marry Tamlin as well idk

Meanwhile, Rhysand is back at the night court absolutely CONVINCED that Feyre is gonna come back to him even without the bargain or atleast send him a message or something, because of the mating bond and because by this point he thinks that Feyre loves him back, she just hasnt said it because Tamlin interrupted them or whatever. Yknow, because Feyre stopped throwing shoes at him and started to tolerate his presence somewhat, which are obviously the surefire signs that someone is in love with you. But anyway, Feyre never does get back to him because shes busy with her wedding and also trying very hard not think about either Rhysand or Tamlin too much so she doesnt simply run out into the forest to avoid dealing with all this bullshit

So yeah, Rhysand finds out about Feyre marrying Tamlin and he gets very upset and so he winnows to the Spring Court on the day of the wedding. Feyre has just been dressed up in this gorgeous pastel pink and green pantssuit (thats very important for the story) and now Ianthe is leaving her alone for a bit before the grand wedding ceremony. At this point Rhysand comes in and they have a confrontation thats basically just the song except in dialogue-form, remember when this post was about a song I really like, yeah me neither. During this confrontation I really want Rhysand to bring up the mating bond and kinda throw it in her face and I want Feyre to basically respond "oh, so now the guy who always preached about giving me choices and not letting others decide for me is gonna get on my case for not doing what some god wants from me, gtfo" and thats basically how it ends. Then the next book is the book where Feyre hay to make the choice between Tamlin and Rhysand because its a romance series at the end of the day, so even though I would like the last book to just be Feyre ending up single and going on her own adventures, I recognize that thats not a great ending for a romance series so

I wanna end this off by saying that I was trying to only focus on the romance for this because its easier, if I were to write my ideal acotar sequel it would look different than this even if I used the original acomaf as a base. So yeah, thats it hope you enjoyed my 7am ramblings, I have been awake for three hours already writing this

#miscellaneous acotar thoughts #acotar rewrite #anti acomaf #Youtube

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heartsforjngwn · 1 year

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— in another life. ksn

SYPNOSIS: kim sunoo, your childhood bestfriend and notably your first love. been with you in every ups and downs including the tragic car accident that lead to your parents' death and your hospitalization. while things were at their worst, he was always with you, striving to have a smile appear on your face.

PAIRING: caring!sunoo × hospitalized!reader (fem)

WORD COUNT: 641

GENRE/TROPES: angst!! best friends to lovers (tho they dont have a back story on that i think)

WARNINGS: su!c!d3 (tho not shown), main character d3@th

NOTE: first fic!! sorry if there are grammatical or spelling errors :^) lowercase is intentional. hope you like this fic!! do reblog and like 🫶

staring at the window, out to the world you last experienced long before. it was another day in the hospital, laying on a bed with i.v. tubes on your arm. reminiscing the happy times you spent with your then-alive parents lead to you shedding a tear. you definitely missed them. a lot.

the sound of the door opening together with an uttered greeting from your boyfriend got your attention as he sat down on the chair beside your bed.

“brought you flowers and ice cream!” in an attempt to cheer you up, he opened a tube of cookies and cream ice cream for you and a tube of mint chocolate for him. “you didn’t have to do all this..” you spoke as you held the bouquet of colorful tulips. “but i want to. now say ah! the airplane is coming~” you laughed as he did an airplane motion with a spoon of ice cream.

“sunoo..” his attention was brought to you as you stared into those eyes that makes you happy every minute you fall deep into them. those dazzling eyes that captures you and gives you the comfort you always needed.

“don’t you think i would never make it out of here?” you asked, intrusive thoughts taking over you.

“you will make it out of here, don’t you dare say you never would! that’s such negative energy y/n!” he huffed. “but its been months since that incident happened, im not even getting better sunoo..”

“y/n, you will get better! the doctors will do their best to make sure you will.”

“but aren’t you tired, sunoo? its been 3 months and everyday without a fail you always visit me with food, flowers, and gifts. i don’t want you wasting that much time on me anymore sun.”

“hey, im doing this not only because you are my best friend. but also because you are my first love. y/n, with all those years i spent with you, i will never forgive myself if i let you suffer all of this pain without me by your side. we are together forever, i promised you that.” he said as he held my hand and caressed it, reassuring me that everything will soon turn out to be okay.

— your's

its been three months and im tired. but he never isnt. he never fails to put a smile on my face because he lights up my world. he takes care of me every single day. he's always with me through think and thin. i love him so much.

— sunoo's

"we found a note on the table. i believe this is for you, mr. kim" the nurse handed me a folded piece of paper. my y/n, why must you do this..

TO: the love of my life

hey sunshine!! im sorry for leaving you so sudden like this.. im tired, my love. i dont want to keep burdening you either by taking care of me even when we know i wont get any better. dont be sad too much! im probably with my parents right about now so im happy here. ill miss you :((( do find someone else to love! make sure you love them as much as you loved me. promise me you'll find your happiness without me there, alright? love you lots for the last time <3

FROM: your one and only, y/n

i cant fulfill that promise, my love.

but i promise you that in another life, i will most definitely make you stay. and in another life, i will be your only for the rest of it. in that life, ill love you harder and take care of you more than i ever did. ill fullfil this promise even if it takes so long. ill fullfil this promise in another life, so you wont have to go away.

mi corazon es tuyo, forever.

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baby-yaga · 1 month

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yesterday, post burial, on our way back to the church to grab a plant, my mom told me, "love him for who he was, dont hate him for who he wasnt. thats the best way to go through life without baggage." and i get where she was coming from, but i dont think thats right.

sometimes people say that the opposite of love isnt hate, its indifference. i did love my dad. i also hated him. they never cancelled each other out. i can love him for his warmth, his humor, his intelligence, his gregariousness, and still hate him for his absence, the abuse, the neglect, how he gave so much of himself to everyone else but his 3 children.

im haunted by my mom telling me that my dad once told her, "if i knew then what i know now, we never wouldve gotten divorced." i cant even picture what that wouldve been like. there was a brief period after my dad left his late wife, where he was living with us again. my parents werent together, it was basically a roommates situation, and in all honesty it was the best part of my teen years.

we had all been through a lot. his late wife was abusive to pretty much everyone in her life, except when she was passed out on oxy. i was deeply resentful of my dad remaining married to her despite how horribly she treated my brother and i, and also him. when she passed away, we were all having dinner with my sister, and when my dad told trey and i what happened, i think it was really shocking to him that we looked at each other, and replied, "good."

but when he lived with us again, it was weird, but it wasnt bad. i liked having him around all the time. i liked getting to spend time with him for real. he picked me up from school, we ate dinner together, watched movies, i started going to the gym with him. we were living together when i went on my first date ever. we were living together when i came out to him. we were living together when i tried to kill myself.

but it didnt last forever. he moved in with a new girlfriend eventually. he kept it a secret, so when he moved in without telling me before hand, i was so mad. i wouldnt go over to their place, a duplex that was less than 5 minutes from our house. i wouldnt meet his girlfriend. i think i was hurt beyond words that he was breaking up our family again, but i didnt realize that until just now.

he tried to force it one night, wanted to ground me if i didnt come. we got into a tug of war match over my laptop in the entry way. i was so frustrated, hurt, i felt so un-heard, i screamed, "i hate you! i never want to see you again!"

he looked surprised. then, he looked devastated. he put down my laptop gently on the entryway table, and left without a word.

he called that night, and explained himself. he said something like, "a friends son passed away recently. i just dont want to lose our relationship."

i said, "im sorry that happened, dad. but i wish you wouldnt try to make me feel bad just because you feel bad."

he replied, "so im just supposed to feel miserable by myself?"

i dont remember what i said exactly. it was something to the effect of, "fine! keep making everyone around you miserable, until you have no one around but yourself!" i slammed the phone down. this was in like, 2008 or so, so we still had a landline, lol.

we didnt speak for 2 weeks. he picked up my brother to come sleep at his place, didnt speak to me, and then would leave. i didnt know that what i wanted was for him to move back in for good. it wasnt reasonable, really. he wanted to date, i think he felt weird about it while living with my mother, and also he didnt have his own room, he was sleeping in a bunk bed with my brother. so i understand now why him moving out happened. but at the time i was so upset hed kept it a secret from me. i still think that was the wrong move. if hed been open about it, given me some time to adjust without springing it on me, it mightve gone a little smoother.

anyway, the night i spoke to him again. he was coming over to pick up trey again. i started crying and threw myself at him. i said i was sorry over and over. i missed him so much. i loved him so much. i just wanted him to be my dad again.

he just held me, and rocked me back and forth. he kissed the top of my head and said, "its ok, its ok." we stood like that for a long time, until i stopped crying. i met his new girlfriend that night. they showed me the room theyd prepared, a bed and everything, for my brother and i to share. it was the first time id ever had a place to stay at his house. before, i was sleeping on the couch, or, when my step-brother was in basic training, i got to sleep on his futon. it meant so much to me.

i miss him. ive missed him my whole life, it seems. missing him isnt new. but this is different. it feels like theres an empty pit inside of me that i was positive was bottomless, but its somehow gotten deeper.

#dead dad saga

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bunnychargebolt · 2 months

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Im going to give my parents shaken baby syndroms Im- hhhhhhhh vent :3 (gonna put any warning stuffs in tags)

I am so just- am eepy. I want to sleep. It is fucking 2:30 in the morning. But I cannot! Because I am hungry! And my body is fucking not doing good! And I can not do anything about it because I do not have food.

But for whatever reason!! My mother!! Who eats the least in this household!! Continually has her stuff stocked!! She fucking- eats like two of the jif to go cups of peanut butter for lunch. And that is like- her lunch. And that just fucking works for her. Which is because she got fucking weight loss surgery.

Hhhhhhhhhhhh

I do not have enough food. And honestly I probably havent had enough food in months. Because instead of eating i sleep. Because my body shuts down. And I am trying *so hard* to get across to my parents that I need food. I am- hhhhh honestly prolly qualifying as anorexic speaking strictly on eating patterns. Which ik for sure my mom is.

And also my irl friend keeps talking about hes gonna starve himself. And im- hhhhh. Theres so many fucking tjings going on with him and theyre bad and I havent talked about them and im going to fucking lose my mind. But thats not even what im focused on right now.

I dont know if i can continue physical therapy. Because it is not guaranteed that i have food. And my parents say that money is tight. But my mother is constantly getting a bunch of stuff. And we have so much shit. And im- i camt handle all of this.

I cant ask for anything without being told that im asking for a lot. My mom ordered in dinner for me and my brother the other night bc she got a thing through work and i asked for what I know would be enough for me and I got told that thats too expensive. Which i understand. The cost of shit is fucking insane. But there is so much fucking focus on cost and portion size and “oh tjat costs too much” “oh youre asking for a lot” “dont forget that this is what a portion size” and even fucking talk of like calories and checking even though i ask for that to not happen.

People tell me to take some of their food because they have plenty and I get it but Im fucking terrified. My mom had locked up a shit ton of food when i was a kid including freezers. Which to this day still have the locks by them. And if im caught she wont hesitate to do it again. I cant go through that again.

I know I cant really get out. Im genuinely scared of my parents. I- cant. I cant get out. I cant leave stuff. Im terrified. Fuck i don’t remember ever not being scared of my mom in some capacity. And my dads way more passive but sometimes he yells and I just- cant do it. And i hate that what they do works. I get shoved into being this fucking doormat of a person.

Honestly I dont think I ever really got to be a person. I still dont super feel like one. I dont have complete control over myself. I dont feel like i have free will. Which sucks. I wanma be my own person. I wanna learn what itd feel like to be able to be myself for even a day. Im- just lost a lot of the time.

The only good thing I know for sure is coming out of this is that I know my depression medication works. Im pretty sure most of my issues with functioning are from malnutrition issues. And im def not suicidal or having thoughts of sh which is really nice!! Plus I know I have a very supportive group of friends online that I love very much

Wuheiwhe speaking of friends- angy about irl friend. He fucking- complained to me that he gets upset when i vent about shit at home cause hes gonna get kicked out when he turns 18. Which likw- i get it. The threat of being homeless is horrible. But if your thought process while you have fucking unwatched access to a credit card and can essentially have whatever the fuck you want while im saying i dont fucking have food at home is “well at least you have a home” IS FUCKING INSANE. Especially because you have already gathered almost $1000 in cash amd still have like 11 months to figure shit out. Your future situation sucks but that should not take away empathy for my current situation??? Where i am??? Not getting fed enough???

I understand that your homelife is shit and your family is fucked. However, you almost never get told no. Which is really fucking obvious!!! Because you wont take any of my nos for an answer!!! And tbh youre kinda financially abusive!!! I hear how you talk to your bf which is fucking insane and i hate it. And when you talk about how you pay for gas when im using my parents cars and they need to be filled and i say were driving around too much and using a lot of gas you go “well its my gas” No!! It isnt!! That is not how that works!! And just because you pay for the fucking gas WHEN YOU HAVE ME DRIVING FUCKING ALL OVER THE PLACE BECAUSE I LITERALLY CANNOT GWT YOU TO UNDERSTAND IM SAYING NO does not kean you pay for the rest of the fucking car!!! You also!! Make jokes about taking back gifts!! Because you paid for them!! Which is shitty as fuck!! And its not even your fucking koney its your grandmas money and you got fucking pissed and bitchy when Ive mentioned that when talking about it being different when one of our friends took advantage of us for money because you are just handed it and the stuff i had i workwd for, in a job that started the decline of my physical wellbeing. Its not the same fucking thing.

Shaking. I want to scream. I cant. Handle everything. I dont want to have to be here and dealing with all of this.

And anothwr fucking tjing about ky friend- he gets pissy when me or his boyfriend accidentally leave garbage in his room. Which i get a little but then he doesnt take care of it either!! And then he has shit there all the time!! Including multiple unfinished starbucks drinks that have grown mold!!! Why do you keep getting the biggest fucking size when you know damn well you wont drink it.

And you keep fucking- i cant play therapist for you. You cannot constantly come crying to le about your bf and talking about how you should break up with him AND THEN GET KAD AT ME FOR SUGGESTING YOU BREAK UP WITH HIM

Im not- i cant. Im

Im violently angry. And i want to sleep. Amd i wamt to be able to have food. And i want my oarents to love me and understand me. Or even fucking- to try. At all. I want my physical wellbeing to matter. But it doesnt. In multiple different ways. And its all just so bad all the time and i try and tune it out but it slips through.

Im having trouble remember things. Its bad. Im- i cant use my brain as well as i know i should be able to. Im- idk. I just cant fucking deal with this. Except im still going to. Im complaining but theres mot kuch i can change.

I hate feeling like im breaking all the time. I want to be able to be loved and be a person and have a home!!! I have a roof over my head. And i appreciate that so much. But this is absolutely not a home. And its very much not welcoming for me. And I just- I perpetually have the feeling of “i want to go home” with no home to go to. And its been like that for most of my life. And I just- really want to have a home.

#vent #tw vent #this was originally about ky parents but it tirned into a generalized thing #ummm #tw disordered eating #tw eating issues #financial abuse #fuckinggg #emotional abuse #???#shit gets fucky idk #my brains not- doing well #also im actively running away from server friends in this post #i love you guys #just #being vulnerable is hard and i hold back as much as i can #when were on call or whatever #scared of complaining too much and pushing people away again #pls dont leave lol

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bookaddict05 · 1 year

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Mystery man

This is a female reader x bucky barnes story

This is my first time writing a one shot please enjoy

☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆

The sun is shining through my baby pink cotton curtains as jarvis announces the time "6:30 Miss y/n, you have breakfast scheduled for 7:00 accompanied with Mr Hogan, followed by training at 8:00 with your new instructor mr barnes".

Ah yes the Mystery man that all the shield agents seem to be obsessed by Mr Barnes the fearless soldier. Guess today we can put a name to a face.

I rolled out of bed slowly dragging myself to the joint bathroom i share with tessa they are also an agent but also the closest thing i have to family. We enrolled into the academy together and since then we have been as close as ever. I pick up my tooth brush take off its protective cap and put some toothpaste on. While brushing my teeth tessa makes an appearance brushes their hair.

"whats your schedule?" I ask them while spitting out toothpaste

"Ive got a meeting with Hill at 7:00 and then me and a few other agents have a mission with Rogers at noon, what about you?" They answers

"Breakfast with Hogan and training with Barnes"

"Omg u get to train with Barnes im so jealous, hes the best trainer out there, however ive heard hes ruthless so good luck"

I leave them in the bathroom closing my door behind me. I walk over to my vanity and pick up my hair brush and put my hair into double dutch braids while applying some sun cream and day cream on to my face. Gotta keep my young looking face, i think then i smile at my self in the mirror and say you can do this.

I walk to breakfast and was automatically greeted by Happy who was waiting for me in the kitchen. He talked me through security details while we had some lovely raisin weetabix.

I stand up from the table and place my dish and spoon in the sink and turned to face Happy.

"Ive got to go now i need to meet Barnes" he nodds and i walk down the corridor and take a left.

I walked into the gymnasium there was a sparing place in the middle of the floor which was surrounded by multiple various different gym equipment. In the middle of the floor stood a man around 6ft tall, dark slick back hair, muscular and one strange noticeable feature... a metal arm. Oh and one other thing hes incredibly gorgeous no wonder everyone was so obsessed.

"You are y/n i assume" he questioned

"Thats correct sir"

"Dont call me sir i feel old, call me Barnes... now lets see what you got"

He made me run lap around the hall, lift weights and occasionally fight each other. It felt like hours had passed.

"Im fed up, im not doing anymore" i refuse and drop to the floor.

He looks down at me in amusement

"You have only been training for an hour u still have another hour left. Now get up" he says that last part more stern than pervious.

"No i cant move, you cant make me do something if i cant move"

Tension starts to pick up

"Get up off your lazy arse right now and give me another 10 laps" he said fury burning within his eyes

"Make me"

We stared deeply in one anothers eyes both with hatred flowing through us. He walks closer towards me causing him to tower over me more. I stand up so the height difference wasnt so great but he still seemed to tower over me. We stared intently into each others souls both of us not wanting to break away first to give the other the delight of winning.

A slight smirk forms across his face and he reaches out for my arm while im still distracted by his ocean blue eyes. He flips me on the floor and pins me down. Still not breaking eye contact.

"20 laps now"

I can tell that me and metal man are going to have lots of fun...

#bucky x reader #bucky fanfic #bucky x y/n #marvel #marvel one shot #oneshot #fyppage #bucky x female reader #bucky imagine #james bucky barnes #marvel fanfic writer

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babysungs · 2 years

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[eleven] in every cosmos | han jisung smau

11 - grafias

words : 1.7k

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a/n : omg a double upload from user babysungs :o my brain was going crazy about writing this part and i coukdnt help myself!! bit of a longer written chapter but i think its worth it :) i didnt edit it too much so i hope there arent many mistakes!! enjoy :)

Opening the door to the restaurant you were expecting many more people than there were, only seeing two people, but you supposed that it was for the better. Big crowds werent really your thing anyway.

hey binnie!! im here waiting for you :)

No response.

I guess its to be expected, you were here about thirty minutes earlier than you were supposed to be. He was probably just leaving his apartment. Still, you couldnt help but be weary at the fact that he hadnt bothered to read your message.

Thirty minutes. Thirty minutes had gone by without a single message from changbin. Surely he should be here soon, unless he wasnt planning on coming at all. You were confused and a tiny bit hurt, failing miserably at not jumping to conclusions way too early. Were you being stood up? Could you even be stood up if this wasnt a date? Had he found out about your affection towards him and now wants to make a joke out of you? What exactly was going o-

Ding.

The door had opened. You looked up in anticipation, praying desperately to see Changbin walk through the clear glass door that you had been watching like a hawk for the longest thirty minutes of your life.

… Jisung? you thought to yourself

Great, first you get stood up then the one person who manages to make you feel like shit at every encounter shows up. Just fucking great.

“What are you doing here?” Jisung questions, putting an emphasis on the “you” as if you werent allowed to eat in public. “Waiting for your little boyfriend I assume.”

“What? What boyfriend?” You had never been more confused in your life. Since when did you have a boyfriend?

“Yeah. Your boyfriend. Changbin?”

You couldn’t help but become a bit flushed at the thought of Changbin bein considered your boyfriend, though it like would never happen.

“Jisung what the fuck are you talking about right now? Changbin is not my boyfriend” you shoot back starting to get annoyed.

“Oh dont act like you two arent together. I should have known since the first day I saw you guys on a date at that stupid cafe.” Jisung was also starting to get annoyed. How could you and Changbin keep denying your relationship when he had seen it for himself?

“Dude we had JUST met that day. We didnt even know each other”

“Yeah I call bullshit but sure.”

“Okay you know fucking what Jisung-“ you started, completely ready to rip the taller brunette to shreds at this point though you were interrupted.

“Alright calm down lets not overreact please.” That voice was all too familiar.

“Changbin??? What the fuck are you doing here I thought you were standing me up!” you were completely enraged at this point. Not only had Jisung riled you up but now Changbin was standing here acting as if he hadnt kept you waiting for what felt like hours?

“Y/n, I didnt stand you up I promise,” Changbin starts, “please just let me and seungmin explain before you chop my head off.”

“Seungmin what the fuck dude??” Jisung was equally as stunned and not-so-equally as enraged as you were.

“Ji just shut up and listen to Changbin please.”

Everyone got quiet allowing Changbin the floor to explain what kind of weird misunderstanding they were in now.

“You and Y/n have some weird beef with each other that you need to talk about. I think you both have some misconceptions about each other and you need to work them out now because constantly being in the middle of this is so tiring. I hate fighting with either of you to defend the other when both of you are my closest friends.”

Friends. Right. The word stings in your chest as you had almost forgotten what you were to Changbin. His friend, nothing more nothing less.

“Oh whatever you cant force me to talk to them.” Jisung spits, pulling you out of your own head.

“Trust me I dont want to be here more than you do.”

“See. That right there. It needs to stop” Changbin continues visibly aggravated, “youre both staying here until you can work out whatever weird fucking tension there is between you.”

Changbin and Seungmin walk towards the door leaving you and a very confused and peeved Jisung standing closer than you realize at first.

“We’re locking you in. Please try talk it out and try to get along” Changbin says as hes locking the door.

“Where did you even get the key???”

“I rented the place out for a day. Good luck!” He throws two thumbs up and walks away with Seungmin.

Great.

“Dickheads” Jisung mutters under his breath, “why do I have to be stuck here with you.”

Now you were seriously getting upset. It wasnt even anger, just pure sadness at the fact that one of your biggest idols, the man you looked up to and loved most out of any musician to walk the earth, hated you so much he regarded you amongst the trash of the earth. He held such disdain for you and you had no idea why.

“Jisung. Why do you hate me so much? What have I done?” you ask desperately trying not to let the tears slip

“Are you serious?” he scoffs, until he looks at you and sees the deadly serious expression on your exhausted face. “.. Fine. I hate you because not only did you completely ignore my existence when Changbin first brought you to the studio, you also stole him from us. He stopped hanging out with us to hang out with you all the time until I called him out for it. I get youre his partner but fucks sake he needs to make time for his best friends and music partners too.”

Jisung watched as your face went from serious to utterly confused when he started explaining. It mad him even more mad at you, how could you be such a terror in his life and act like you dont know anything about it?

“I think Changbin was right when he said there were big misunderstandings between us.” Jisung scoffed loudly at your start, not believing you for a second. “Jisung let me finish before you blow everything im about to say off. Please.”

You saw Jisungs expression change as he settled himself into the booth you were both sitting at. “Alright fine. Go ahead.”

“Thank you. For starters, I didnt ignore you. I said hi to you and tried to talk to you several times but you either just didnt answer or couldnt hear me. But I tried really hard to make conversation and get to know you, I would never in a million years pass up the chance to befriend my favorite musician in the world”

Jisung did not expect those words to come out of your mouth in a million years. He could feel his heartbeat pick up a bit, choosing to ignore it as if it werent happening. “And Im not dating Changbin. At all. We’re honestly just good friends and even if i were dating him, strong if, I would never take up all of his time especially when I know how important your friendship is and how busy you guys get. That is not the type of person I am at all and maybe you could never come to like me or be friends with me but please dont think of me so harshly. I really didnt mean to make you feel that way about me. Im sorry.”

He was dumbfounded. Truly blown away at the fact that he was so quick to judge you and hate you for something that was completely his fault, and that you were the one who felt bad and even apologized. Jisung realized what an asshole he had been to someone who did not deserve it in the slightest.

“Y/n I-“ you quickly cut him off, not prepared to be berated by him again.

“Please dont say anything I understand you dont like me but I cant take-“

“Let me finish.” Jisung had gently rested his hand on your forearm, which had been laying on the table. His hands were so soft and he was holding your arm so tenderly- wait. Why is your heart racing so fast? He noticed your flushed face and eyes that kept glancing at his hand on you and he couldnt help but smile to himself a bit.

You nodded your head, signaling to Jisung that he could continue.

“I was going to say Im sorry. I had no idea that I was the problem this whole time and treated you so badly for nothing. Truthfully I felt bad about being mean to you because I thought you actually could be nice but I was stubborn and felt like you deserved my hate. I am so sorry.”

“Oh … its okay. Thank you for apologizing.” Your voice had gone quiet, not expecting Jisung to be so warm and kind to you. You tried relentlessly to ignore the roaring butterflies in your stomach.

“Of course. So ..” the man started, smiling to himself a bit, “your favorite musician in the whole world huh?”

Shit. You didnt even realize you said that. You could feel his confidence dripping from that stupid smirk on his face.

“Pffft whaaaat who said that that wasnt me I dont even know you who are you again?”

“Yeah okay whatever at least I have something to brag to Changbin about when we leave here.” he laughs, “Friends?“

Jisung mentally curses himself for sticking his hand out when he feels the warmth from yours meet him in the middle, the motion only making his heart beat faster. He prayed desperately hoping you couldnt hear it thumping out of his chest.

“Friends.”

You both shake on it with smiles, both trying to ignore that fluttering feeling in your chests growing bigger the longer you held hands.

Though neither of you would never admit this, you both were overthinking the rest of your time together waiting for Changbin and Seungmin to get back with the keys. You kept on with your conversation, talking about any and everything to keep yourselves from dying of boredom and hunger, but neither of you knew that the other was having the same thoughts deep in the back of their minds.

Why does my heart keep racing when im next to you?

taglist | @gyuville @kikivonpoopyhead @sohyeappy @enaluvs @mits-vi @spikertrash @dynarvot

bold means i cant tag!! sorry :(

#in every cosmos #skz han #han jisung #han jisung social media au #han x reader #han x y/n #jisung smau #crack au #crack smau #jisung au #jisung angst #jisung angst to fluff #jisung fluff

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bambi-kinos · 1 year

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@sususolutioms Hi there, thank you for your comments! I enjoy conversation and tangents so please feel free to keep hanging out if you like.

You make a good point about Swinging London and John trying to articulate his feelings of abandonment, the song is a great metaphor for that. It’s a pity that John refused to articulate this outside of music because Paul didn’t understand what he was going through, though I believe that Paul definitely understood that John was suffering. (He was just ill-equipped to deal with it.)

I actually think you’re underestimating them a little bit though. It wouldn’t just be a simple “I love you,” from Paul, it would be a change in lifestyle and committing as a real couple with everything that entailed. It would mean John leaving Cynthia but let’s be real, he would jump at that lmao.

John would need to deal with his baggage but I actually think he was capable of facing it and that if he had had Paul as his explicitly committed romantic partner, he would have felt safe enough to do so. But that’s just my opinion I guess, since we don’t live in that universe we can make up anything we want.

Modern therapy would have helped both of them for sure but that didn’t exist back then so whoops... But my true and honest opinion is that if John had had a lithium prescription to stabilize his moods then he could have put the rest of the puzzle together himself. He was a sensitive guy that wanted to grow and change.

The Ashers are their own entire separate thing. I find them incredibly skeevy and even exploitive with how they used their daughter Jane to get access to Paul McCartney. I know Jane’s father was accomplished but I wouldn’t trust any recommendations he made for celebrities like the Beatles. Gonna quote myself again:

Leggy Maddingway — 04/18/2022 the Asher family thing. jesus christ lmao. I guess it must be an example of rich people being selfish and weird. there's an entire thing about rich people seething about [being forced to abide by] middle class values like "dont let your underage daughter live openly with her boyfriend" which is exactly what they did (i can expound on this if needed) and no one, not even paul, knew what paul macca would turn into. but i cant imagine there wasn't some clout chasing there because otherwise....why. why would you do this. just fucking insane, i wouldnt let my kid's boyfriend live with my kid under my roof barring horrific tragic circumstances and paul did not have horrific circumstances backing him at the time.

it ended up being terrible for Paul and Jane in the end so I'm very very down on her parents for letting it happen and I think it must have been because they wanted to use Paul or brag about having a Beatle living with them, because Jane did not have the life experience at the time to understand what a fucked up arrangement that was. I would understand more if she had eloped with Paul even, but living in your parents house with your bf?

It’s also very clear that Paul McCartney was a complete gold digger in that situation, he was using the Ashers as well, wanting a replacement mother figure and wanting to live in a fancy rich person house. He orchestrated the move into Jane’s house by deliberately staging conversations where he complained about the Mayfair flats Brian put them in:

These quotes are straight from The Lyrics. He cared a lot more about Jane’s mom and Jane’s house than he did about Jane herself. And they were reeaaally happy to have their daughter’s boyfriend move in with them even though they were definitely engaged in sexual activities. That is not a normal thing for parents to do but they did it.

Jane’s father was an accomplished and forward thinking medical practitioner. Her mother was a successful music teacher. But they invited their 17 year old daughter’s boyfriend into their house to live with them knowing that he was an up and coming entertainment star at his sexual peak... like I get the UK’s age of consent is 16 years old and everything but inviting Paul to live in their house of their own accord while knowing all this, that’s just really gross to me. I don’t think the Ashers did anything good for Paul McCartney in terms of his personal development and their family helped stunt his development as an adult.

Sorry for going off but I do not like the Ashers and they made terrible decisions when they should have known better. I wouldn’t trust any recommendations they made for medical practitioners for John or Paul lmao because they would be motivated by chasing clout!

#the beatles #jane asher #paul mccartney #john lennon #mclennon #and your bird can sing #revolver #revolver 2022 #my meta #beatles meta #talktalktalk #sususolutioms

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