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carmenlire · 6 years

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Higher than the Big Trees Ch. 8

read on ao3

Humble Pride: The Duality of Alec Lightwood Out Magazine Feature, June 2018 Article by Andrew Bronheimer Photos by Connor Murphy

Alec Lightwood. Heartthrob to millions, artist extraordinaire, last year’s Paris Fashion Week surprise when he walked down the Armani runway in a truly delectable teal suit with suitably dramatic eye makeup. Lightwood’s been the talk of the town for over a decade now. He released his very first song a week before he turned sixteen and the rest, as they say, is history.

Lightwood’s illustrious career has spanned controversy and continents and just recently has earned him the title Entertainer of the Year just a few months ago-- for the third time. For those that don’t know, Alec writes all of his songs and can play a variety of instruments including the guitar, piano, drums, and the clarinet.

Alec has just wrapped up his latest world tour. 128 tour dates, over a million tickets sold, and an estimated 700 million dollars in revenue resulted in a sold-out tour for a triple platinum album that puts this superstar at the top of his game.

We don’t see him falling anytime soon.

Because I’m obsessive about making a good impression to my guests, I showed up to the little cafe we had agreed to meet up at half an hour early. It gives me time to review my notes and take a breath, opening my mind for first impressions-- both good and bad.

The cafe in question is cute. It’s full of bright colors-- splashes of crimson mixed with ribbons of turquoise gives the place a kitschy, bohemian air. The pastry display at the front of the shop is beautiful with fluffy scones and gigantic cupcakes covered with a mountain of frosting.

It’s turning towards evening and the golden light adds to the summer ambiance. I was just debating between a piece of raspberry swirl pound cake or triple chocolate muffin when the little bell above the door chimed and in walked the man of the hour.

Alec Lightwood is even more stunning in person, dear readers. He’s sporting a five o’clock shadow that makes his face a little more rugged and his patrician features look carved from marble. He’s wearing slim fit pants in an alluring olive green with the bottoms rolled up to show surprisingly delicate ankles for such a tall man.

His navy sweater is just right, offering a lovely contrast from the pants and working well with his coloring.

Lightwood slips his sunglasses off and tucks then into the neck of his sweater. His eyes sweep across the surprisingly empty eatery before landing on me. Immediately, I’m a little intimidated. Razor sharp hazel eyes that show a surprising intelligence and his giraffe-like height are a little overwhelming when you’re a foot shorter and not expecting such attention.

In the next moment, Alec smiles and it’s a warm, engaging thing that instantly makes everything more comfortable.

We chat for a few minutes before deciding to order. Alec orders a coffee drink that is at least ninety-five percent sugar-- a concoction with caramel, mocha and whipped cream. We both choose a few pastries-- Alec goes for the dark chocolate scone-- and we settle in to our little table. He’s patient as I set my recorder up and seems content to happily munch on his baked good, giving the impression that he’s not bothered that I’m a little scattered today, of all days.

Then we begin.

Out: So, Alec, welcome back home. How does it feel?

Alec: (Laughs). Thanks, man. It feels great. I’m a New Yorker born and bred and while I love traveling nothing quite beats being home and taking that first subway ride after a while abroad.

O: You just wrapped up your latest sold-out tour. How did it compare to previous tours?

A: This tour was definitely the biggest on any scale, whether it was tickets sold, venue capacities, or effort. The crew was amazing every night, putting together sets and making sure that everything went off without a hitch. And the fans, well, they just continue to blow me away. Their enthusiasm is unmatched. While grueling-- it’s the longest tour I’ve ever done and covered the most distance-- it was indescribably brilliant. I had the time of my life and I hope everyone else feels the same.

O: World tour, check. What’s next for you, Lightwood?

A: That’s the million dollar question. I have a few months before I start recording my next album. I plan to take this summer and write most of the material for that record. Plus, I want to enjoy some time off. It’s been a year since I was last in New York and I want to get reacquainted with the city and with my family.

O: So, both work and play?

A: Yeah, I guess so. There’s always that push to think ahead in terms of my career-- what’s the next step, where can I go from here. I’ll definitely be working this summer. I have a few writing sessions lined up with artists I really admire and I’m excited to see what emerges from them. An Arrow in the Dark was a huge phase of that career, though, and coming off that album cycle kind of just leaves me with a desire to sleep for a century (laughs). I’m using this time to recharge and make my seventh album the best I can, the best I’ve ever done.

O: Can you tease anything from the next album?

A: I think this album might surprise the fans a little. I’ve been at this for over a decade. I want to stretch my legs and experiment a little. I don’t know what will make it on the record, but I need to change things up or I’ll get stale and that’s the worst thing for an artist to become.

O: So, you’re doing something different? We should prepare ourselves for something a little out of the box when we think of Alec Lightwood?

A: I guess that’s a takeaway. I just want the fans to go into things with an open mind. I’ve lived a lot in the past two years and those experiences will probably show up in my next album. I’m looking for new shit, man. I don’t want to put any parameters on my art-- who knows what’s going to come out.

O: Speaking of living a lot, you’ve been linked to several men, including Emmy-winning Actor Jason Desker. Can I ask if anything is going on there?

A: Sure, you can ask. Doesn’t mean I’ll answer. But, truthfully, there’s not much to say. Jason and I met up at an after-party and the next day rumors were swirling around about the two of us. I can tell you, 100 percent truth, that I am single and unattached. I’m not in a relationship and I haven’t been in one for years.

O: But what about all of the rumors?

A: They’re just that. Rumors. False gossip and idle speculation.

O: No one’s caught your eye, then?

A: No.

O: Okay, then. There’s the truth straight from your lips. Now, Alec, you’ve been out since almost the beginning of your career, which began when you were a junior in high school. What can you share about your own experiences coming out during such a turbulent time?

A: I’ve known I was gay since I was a little kid. Absolutely no doubt about it. It took me years to learn the name for what I felt and even longer to reconcile that part of me with everyone else’s expectations. When my family asked if there was anyone special I had me eye on, I’d shrug and deny anything, offering that school and sports were taking all of my focus. My siblings knew everything wasn’t what it seemed, but they let me have that shield to hide behind until I was ready to admit to the world that I wasn’t straight.

At the very start of my career, there was a lot of contention between a lot of parties on what my image should be. I kept quiet for months and was well into my senior year of high school when I decided to make my public move. I was the captain of the soccer team and had been going out with one of my teammates for a few months.

I was just fed up with it all. I had a hit song on the radio and the whole damn school knew about the two of us-- it was almost an open secret. The guy at the time was in the closet but ready to come out and I was standing in his way. So, the day we won the state tournament, I kissed him in front of a few thousand people out on the field. IT was an incredible high and I don't think either of us could believe what I'd just done.

Shit was a little crazy after that. The media took to the story like a house on fire and things at school and home were a little hectic for awhile. But I felt a lot of relief and everything was worth it in the end.

O: That’s quite a story.

A: (Laughs). Yeah. It was dramatic as hell and I caught a lot of heat for it, but I was just tired, you know? I was a month from graduation and planning to go on tour right after that and it was almost like, it was now or never. So, I chose now. The moment I did it was a cathartic release. All that weight just dropped from my shoulders. That isn’t to say that things were smooth sailing, because like I said there were a lot of parties that were unhappy with me and my irrevocable decision. My coming out wasn't just for my own mental health or peace of mind-- it was a deliberate business decision that I knew would impact my career from the second I went through with it, but I haven’t regretted anything. If sharing the absolute terror and relief I felt helps anyone, then I have no problem talking about my story.

O: You have a lot of fans and are a role model to many of them, especially those in our community. Do you have any advice for them?

A: I’d say, just share your truth. That sounds like such after school special bullshit but it’s true. Even if you are straight or cis, you can still be going through things that are difficult to handle or acknowledge. Once you start living your best life, is when you start really living. There will be hate and ignorance and all that bad stuff but being free and unapologetic about it is a powerful balm to any insults or accusations that might get hurled your way. Remember, there’s nothing wrong with what you feel. You’re valid and it’s going to be okay.

O: Wise words, Alec. Now that you’ve been out for almost a decade, can you share your ideal man? Give some of us some hope (laughs).

A: I don’t really have a type, man. I like intelligence and wit and kindness. I’m pretty basic that way. I can’t explain what catches my eye because it seems to change every time. I’ve been with guys who were vastly different, from a broker in the London Stock Exchange to a drummer in a Brazilian metal band. I don’t limit myself.

O: So no teasers on who we might next see you with?

A: Not really. All I can offer right now is that I’m looking for someone who sees beyond Alec Lightwood in all capital letters. I’m just a guy and when I do fall for someone it’s going to be real. Who knows when that will happen but I’m in no rush. I have a lot on my plate and things will happen when they’re meant to.

O: With that last statement, let’s end things with a fun tidbit. What’s the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened on tour?

A: Embarrassing, huh? That’s certainly a different direction. There was that time in Dublin that I ripped my pants and my cartoon underwear showed for almost the entire concert and I didn’t know. But, I think I’d have to say that the most embarrassing thing that ever happened on stage was when I fell. It was an open arena and it was raining. Not too hard, but enough to make things slippery. I was in the middle of the dramatic chorus when I slipped like a cartoon on a banana peel. Everything was silent for a moment before I got my breath and stood up. By ass hurt like hell but I was only halfway through the set. I could feel my blush for the rest of the concert. It was awful.

O: And on that note, thank you Alec for agreeing to talk with Out Magazine.

We talked for a few more minutes, informally, before I had to leave for my next appointment. Alec was ushered by a photographer right after I left for the spread you can see in the following pages.

Lightwood is a powerhouse. He has the voice of a generation and a kind heart. He’s self deprecating and one doesn’t get the impression that he’s just another stuck-up celebrity out of touch with the average person. By all accounts, his fans are rabid over him and it’s not hard to see why. He’s a professional at all costs and is always engaging with fans on social media. With over eighty million followers on Twitter and Instagram, it’s undeniable that Alec has built an admirable foundation of support.

Watching behind the scenes videos and fan blogs, it’s obvious that there’s a rapport between Alec and his fans that not every artist is fortunate enough to have-- or cares enough to curate. There’s respect and love from both sides.

Alec Lightwood isn’t just a pretty face. He works as hard as his discography and grueling schedule indicates. The day we had the interview, Alec had a meeting with his record company board and met with the people at ABC for his Good Morning America appearance. His day didn’t end until almost dawn, as the photoshoot took hours after our sparse dinner. But Lightwood didn’t complain. A trooper, he seemed genuinely interested in our conversation and from what the photographer and wardrobe team told me, he took direction well and had fun with the shoot-- even though he had been up for almost twenty four hours at that point.

Alec Lightwood is an enigmatic man. He guards his life zealously. Everyone sees him stumbling out of clubs with a different guy on his arm every week. Everyone has seen his interviews and fans catch glimpses of the man behind the scenes, but that’s all they are. Brief looks into the private life of America’s favorite celebrity.

It makes one wonder about what lies beneath the surface. From our conversation, Alec had a wit and bluntness that’s admirable in the upper echelons of America’s darlings. He has a brother that owns an award-winning gym in Brooklyn with a mile-long waiting list and a sister that’s featured on countless magazine covers herself-- Isabelle Lightwood is set to appear in the Victoria’s Secret show in the fall and has racked up quite a following of her own.

This family is determined and, above all, generous. It’s been a pleasure watching Lightwood grow from the somewhat awkward teen to the self-assured man he is now, comfortable with his fame and the scrutiny of millions. This is the second time Lightwood has graced our Magazine’s cover and it’s always a delight. I, and the team at Out Magazine, wish Alec Lightwood all the luck on his next album. We can’t wait to hear it!

An Arrow in the dark, Lightwood’s sixth studio album and latest release, is out now and can be found online and in-store at a variety of merchants. See below for more details.

At the time of press, Chocolate Raspberry, his latest single, had sold over five million copies and was topping the charts at No. 1.

Word on the street has it that fans can expect another single to drop soon-- the acoustic and dark-toned Empty Hearts.

#httbt #my writing #this very much sets up the beginning of the next chapter #and was just fun to write in general!!#malec #malec fic #malec fic rec #singer!alec #celebrity!alec #famous!alec

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artificialqueens · 7 years

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After the World Ends (Sashea/Biadore/Witney) - Veronica

A/N: AFTER THE WORLD ENDS, AKA PORN IN THE WOODS. HAPPY BIRTHDAY to the beautiful and talented @missdandee !! You know I love you when I agree to write something that involves Biadore. ;P I hope your birthday is amazing, my love!!!

Summary: Post-apocalypse lesbian AU featuring Sashea, Witney, and Biadore.

For clarity and to explain the pronoun choices: Sasha is DFAB genderqueer (they/them pronouns), Willam is a trans woman, and the rest of the cast is cis female.

Trigger warnings: some potentially transphobic discussion/language involving sexual awkwardness, a panic attack, guns/weapons, hunting a wild turkey, and discussion war, gay conversion therapy, and the downfall of America at the hands of the Trump Administration

(Also: Thank you SO MUCH to @spokywrites for being my beta savior, and to additional beta help from @wednesdayangeline and @ironrescue - was the lovely person to for include me in this celebration!)

2027 SOUTHERN APPALACHIA THE AREA FORMERLY KNOWN AS NORTHEAST MISSISSIPPI

“Remember glitter nail polish?” Adore asked. She stopped and looked carefully to her left and right. Coast clear. She moved forward, clearing a path for Courtney to follow.

“That was the best!” Courtney sighed, a slight skip to her step. “Remember clean underwear?”

“Distantly, yeah,” Adore said, laughing. “Remember Ariana Grande?”

“God, I loved her so much. She’s probably dead now, huh?”

“Probably.”

“That’s a shame.” Courtney kicked a rock.

“Remember Christmas lights?” Adore asked.

Then before Courtney could open her mouth to reply, she elbowed her arm, silencing her as she drew back her bow and arrow. The ugly, feathery little fucker was close, and fat. If it wasn’t for the tree she’d have a clear shot. She waited, hoping he’d take a few more steps, so that she could really nail him. Just a tiny…bit…farther…Adore let the arrow spring free, and it pierced him right in the neck. Bullseye. She strode forward to finish the job, pulling the arrow out and twisting his neck with a crack.

Courtney trailed behind, wincing slightly. Almost two years of this, not to mention seeing her dad do it while they were still safe in the shelter - but she could never get used to the carnage. She examined one of the trees, saw some moss that might be useful, began to scrape it off with her pocketknife.

“Don’t worry Court, he lived a good life. And now he’ll provide us with some much needed sustenance.”

“Mmmhmm,” Courtney said, then glanced over her shoulder at Adore, pulling feathers off the disgusting creature by the handful. “Remember soy?”

Adore chuckled, “Now that, I don’t miss…”

***

“Hey,” Sasha said softly, and Shea turned around, a big smile lighting up her face.

“You’re finished already?!” Shea wrapped her arms around Sasha’s waist, pulling them to the floor.

“No fish today…again…”

Shea laughed gleefully. Only she could be delighted by the idea of Sasha’s repeated failure to procure any protein for them. “Baby. There’s never any fish. But it’s so fucking adorable the way you keep trying.”

Feigning offense, Sasha tossed their red hair and scoffed. “Excuse me, ma’am, I caught one…like a month ago, so…”

“That’s right, I’m sorry, you’re right. You’re amazing and perfect and the world’s greatest fisher…person…” Shea teased, pressing a kiss against Sasha’s throat.

Sasha giggled, exclaiming, “Exactly!” and running a hand down Shea’s arm, eyes falling closed as the warmth of her lips traveled down their neck to their collarbone.

Shea smiled, raked her nails up Sasha’s thighs, pushing them open so that she could crawl between them, hovering over them tauntingly.

“Shea…” A soft gasp left their lips as Shea’s hands trailed up and down their body, mouth pressed to their stomach, then lower…

“Tell me what you want…” Shea whispered, fingers toying with the fly on Sasha’s shorts, breath now hot on her thigh.

Sasha arched up. “Don’t stop…” they whispered, gazing at her, grey-blue eyes dreamy, eyelashes fluttering.

“Ugh,” came a voice from behind, and they both turned to see Willam, her face scrunched up in disgust. “You guys are the worst. The world’s ended, how can you be so goddamn happy? Stop being gross.” As she walked past them, she nudged Sasha with the toe of her boot for good measure.

Shea collapsed, burying her face in Sasha’s lap, sticking her middle finger in the air. “Get fucked, Belli,” Shea replied, voice muffled by Sasha’s thighs, which she proceeded to rub her cheeks against, savoring the softness of her girlfriend’s smooth skin.

Willam let out an aggrieved groan, collapsing onto her own sleeping mat. “By who?! You two whores only have eyes for each other, and Bianca…I mean I’m not saying she’s a TERF, but…you know. She’s not exactly open-minded. Especially now, when I look like…” Willam trailed off with a shrug.

Sasha propped themself up on their elbows and turned their head, somewhat sympathetic to Willam’s dilemma. It had been over four years since even the underground shitty hormones ran out. Six years since the good stuff. Willam was a tough bitch, but Sasha couldn’t imagine the emotional trauma of watching her body regress back to what it was pre-transition. In an act of pure solidarity, they’d procured about 10 years worth of razors for her back in Jackson - a small thing, but at least it was something. Even Bianca treated the razors like her first born child - no man nor razor left behind, no matter where they went. But regardless of the constant shaving and the attempt at eye makeup…Sasha could see why Willam felt the way she did. She looked different from how she used to. Different from how she felt inside.

Sasha held Shea tighter, stroking her hair, feeling both fortunate and guilty. What right did they have to be ‘so goddamn happy’ when the world had literally come to an end for so many - for people they loved, for millions of innocent lives? When there was no way to know when, or if, there would ever be peace again?

“I miss Alaska,” Willam muttered, more to herself than anyone else, punching her pillow down and sighing.

Sasha reached up and touched Willam’s hand. “We all do,” they said softly, but Willam slapped their hand away and started stomping off.

“Oh, shut the fuck up. I don’t need your pity, bitch-”

“That’s not what I-”

Shea sat up. “Don’t fucking call them a bitch-”

“Don’t tell me what to-”

The bickering was interrupted by Bianca running in breathlessly. “Hey! I need backup! There’s some shit going down in the eastern woods. Hurry!”

Without a word, all three girls jumped to attention, grabbing their weapons and following Bianca down the narrow passageway.

***

“What was that?” Adore hissed, and Courtney flattened herself against the tree, listening carefully. She’d clearly heard it too, based on the intense expression on her face, chest rising and falling rapidly.

Adore crept forward slowly, brandishing her gun, staying low to the ground as she approached the clearing, trying to shield her eyes to see the large hill where the noise had come from. Courtney was so close behind her that she could feel a strap from her heavy backpack dangling on her arm.

“WHO THE FUCK IS THERE!?” yelled a hoarse voice, and suddenly they were surrounded, as the hill looming on the other side of the narrow clearing turned into a fortress, covered in multiple armed soldiers. Their only protection the sparse trees and low shrubs at the edge of the forest.

“Fuck!” Adore should have known. Why hadn’t she stayed in the denser woods, where they would be covered, protected? Why had she taken this risk, just to make a campfire easier? Lazy, stupid, thoughtless-

“ANSWER! HANDS UP, WEAPONS DOWN! THIS IS NOT A MOTHERFUCKING GAME!”

“Wait a second…” Courtney said, face screwed up in a way that terrified Adore. Because it meant she was about to do something incredibly, insanely… “Bianca?!”

“WHO WANTS TO KNOW?!”

Courtney tossed her gun and backpack to the ground and held up her hands, stepping into the clearing.

“Courtney, what the fucking fuck!?” Adore cried.

“Bianca, it’s Courtney, from…from A.Y.S.O. soccer, in New Orleans!” she called, voice wavering only slightly. She realized too late how ridiculous it all sounded, and closed her eyes briefly. “Do you…do you remember me?” She raised her eyes up to the girl on the boulder, the one who was pointing a large assault weapon down at her. God, she fucking hoped she was right. But that voice. Those eyes. It had to be her.

“Bitch, I’ve known a lot of blondes over the years. You’re gonna have to be more fucking specific!” she leveled her gun.

Fuck fuck fuck, Adore thought, gritting her teeth. Her eyes flickered to the other girls - she counted four total, all partially obscured by rocks and two of them heavily backlit. If Courtney’s instincts were wrong here, they were good as dead.

Courtney took a tiny step forward and one of the girls popped out from behind a tree. She was tall and statuesque, wild honey-colored curls falling over her shoulders. Her weapon pointed directly at Courtney’s head as she began to speak again. “It was…we were like 9 or 10, I think. I…our jerseys were blue and when we had to choose a team name, this one kid suggested the Tigers and you called her a retard and you got in trouble.”

Adore could swear she heard a soft chuckle from the other side of the clearing. But the weapons stayed up, so Courtney kept talking, desperately trying to conjure up memories of this soccer team from a lifetime ago.

“Um…our…coach was named Steve. Your…cleats had purple laces and I thought they were really cool. Once I gave you a vegan cookie that my mom made and you said it tasted like dogshit.” Courtney swallowed as she racked her brain for more details, but came up blank. When none of the weapons lowered, she glanced back at Adore, an apologetic look on her face. We’re screwed, it said. Tears brimmed in her green eyes. “I really thought it was her,” she whispered.

After a long heated moment, Bianca put down her gun and beckoned her forward. “The coach’s name was Sam, you fucking idiot!” she called down, a smirk on her face causing familiar dimples to appear in her cheeks.

Sasha breathed out a sigh of relief as the pretty blonde covered her face with her hands. They were not in the mood for a bloodbath today. Shea sensed their anxiety dissipate, and slung an arm around their shoulders, kissing their forehead reassuringly and gesturing to Bianca that they’d stay on their side. You never know - these girls might not be alone after all.

Willam strolled over to Bianca, pointing out the scowling brunette still crouching next to Courtney in the bushes. “Who’s that bitch?” she asked.

“I’ll find out. Stay alert,” Bianca replied, watching Courtney bicker with the other girl. She narrowed her eyes, wondering how the fuck the bougie little pigtailed princess she remembered from years ago - the one who shrieked every time the soccer ball got too close to her, who chattered nonstop about rainbows and pop stars and bounced around on the balls of her feet like a fairy, turned into a toned, dirt-covered road warrior. Who, granted, surrendered after .5 seconds of a stand-off, so maybe she hadn’t changed much after all.

Willam stood beside Bianca, watching them closely, muttering, “Fuck…”

Bianca’s thoughts exactly. Even covered in grime, these girls were both stunning. Courtney in that obvious way, with a heart-shaped face, long wavy blonde hair, lean body and hooded green eyes. But there was something about the willowy brunette, with her pouty lips and big angry blue eyes, that intrigued Bianca.

“I’m calling the blonde,” Willam said suddenly, tossing her hair over her shoulder.

“You’re calling her?” Bianca asked.

“Yeah, she’s fuckin’ hot. You can have the bratty one stomping her feet. You like a challenge,” Willam replied with a wink.

Bianca laughed. There was time to fight this battle later. If necessary.

“Adooore, come on, put down the gun, let’s go!” Courtney’s eyes shone with happiness, hopped up on adrenaline.

“I have a bad feeling about this. We’re outnumbered. They aren’t gonna shoot now, so let’s just go. We’ve got provisions, we don’t need them.”

“Please, Adore. At the very least, we’ll have a few hours of conversation with someone besides each other.”

“You just want to get laid.” Adore shook her head, rolling her eyes and looking up at the ledge, where Bianca was holding up her hands questioningly, wondering what was taking them so long.

“And you don’t?” Courtney raised an eyebrow.

Adore scoffed. “It’s not exactly my highest priority.”

“Yeah. I know. Probably because you don’t know any better.” Courtney turned away, picking up her backpack and gun, muttering, “Useless virgin, ruining everything…”

“What was that?”

“Nothing!” Courtney sang, turning back around, batting her lashes innocently, giving Adore her biggest puppy eyes.

“Ughhhh, fine. But you owe me.”

A big smile broke out on Courtney’s face as she bent down to pick up her backpack and began crossing the narrow field. “I know, bunny. But I’ve already offered and you always turn me down, so…”

“Oh my god, you’re sick. Please stop.”

Courtney giggled, already giddy with hope.

“Hey!” Bianca called as the girls climbed the hill. “Point those guns at the ground, ladies!”

“Sorry, sorry!” Courtney panted, flashing an infectious grin up at Bianca and reaching out her hand. Bianca pulled her up over the ledge.

Adore rolled her eyes, reluctantly accepting a hand from Willam.

“Jesus Christ, B! What are the odds?!” Courtney cried, throwing her arms around Bianca’s neck, clinging tightly like her life depended on it. Which, to be fair, it did a little.

“Slim to none,” Bianca replied with a laugh. “And how dare you forget coach Sam.”

“That was a real dick move you pulled,” Adore said, crossing her arms .

“Yeah, well, I’m a dick.” Bianca flashed her dimples. “Bianca. And you are…”

“That’s is my cousin, Adore,” Courtney said. “She’s cute, huh?”

“She’s alright. Interesting name,” Bianca said, smirking into her pretty blue eyes.

“Go fuck yourself,” Adore snapped.

“Adore, be nice, Jesus!” Courtney cried. “I’m sorry,” she said to Bianca. “She’s a little wound up.”

“It’s cool,” Bianca said, eyes still locked with Adore’s. “I’m not afraid of her.” Her arm tightened around Courtney’s waist and she kissed the blonde gently on the cheek, ignoring Willam glaring over her shoulder. “So what have you been up to since A.Y.S.O?”

“Oh, you know, just like…travel, leisure, hiding in bunkers, living in the woods, general merriment…the usual.” Courtney fluttered her lashes. “You?”

“Spent a few years in one of Pence’s ‘Pray the Gay Away’ camps for wayward youth. That’s where I met these lovely people. This is Willam, by the way.”

Courtney turned to Willam, “Oh god, that sounds awful. Hi…”

“It wasn’t so bad,” Willam replied, lifting one eyebrow flirtatiously. “The orgies didn’t suck.”

Courtney giggled, a dazzling smile spreading across her face as her green eyes swept up and down Willam’s body. “Sorry I missed that, then.”

Willam smirked back at her, holding her gaze as Shea and Sasha walked up to join them. “That makes two of us…”

After a moment, something dawned on Courtney and she looked around the group. “Um…okay this might be a weird question, but…how the hell do you all look so clean? I am suddenly really aware of how filthy I am.”

“Filthy…” Willam echoed with a sassy wink.

Bianca smiled. “There’s a creek in the back. You want me to show you?”

“Fuck, yes! Can we wash our clothes there too?”

“Sure. Actually, Willam is the laundry expert. She may even have some clean things for you to borrow in the meantime.”

Courtney’s mouth dropped open in delight. “I was literally fantasizing earlier about clean underwear, holy shit…Adore! Did you hear that?!”

“Yeah, I heard. Can you chill please?” Adore shook her head.

“No, I will not, this is the best thing that’s happened since we found that burned out 7-11 last year!” Courtney wrapped her arms around Adore’s shoulders. “Smile, bunnyface.”

Bianca turned to Sasha and cleared her throat. “Do you mind taking over as lookout while Willam and I take our…uh…guests, to the creek?”

“Sure,” Sasha agreed.

“This way, ladies,” Bianca said, gesturing for Courtney and Adore to follow her.

“So…you guys have just been wandering in the wilderness, huh?” Willam asked. “That sounds thrilling.”

“Yeah, but Adore’s no fun,” Courtney said, and affected a high-pitched voice, saying, “Courtney, get away, we’re related.”

“We are related, you perv,” Adore said.

Courtney rolled her eyes. “I know, dude, but like, we are living in desperate times here. Sometimes you just wanna fuck something that’s not your own hand.”

“You’re being really a lot right now,” Adore said.

“Well did you hear the news? Clean water! I think this calls for a song!” Courtney said, and started to skip. “How did that one go, that my mom loved? Leeeeet the river run! Let all the dreeeeamers wake the naaaation! Coooooome, the New Jeruuuusaleeem!”

“Jesus. I don’t know whether I want to slap her or fuck her,” Willam muttered, hoisting her gun over her shoulder. Bianca laughed.

Courtney tossed a sultry look over her shoulder, fluttering her lashes. “Who said you have to choose? We’re coming to the edge, running on the water, coming through the fog-”

Adore rolled her eyes. “Sorry about her. She’ll calm down after an hour or so.”

Willam laughed. “Oh, I hope not!”

***

“So here are some things you guys can wear for now, while I’m washing your stuff…” Willam dumped a pile of spare clothes by the creek. “They aren’t very glamorous, but I’m sure you’ll make it work.”

“Thanks,” Courtney said, peeling off her top, feet already plunged into the cool, refreshing water. “Hey Adore, why don’t you show Bianca what you caught this morning?

“What? No!” Adore crossed her arms, emerging from behind a tree, wrapped in a blanket, her clothes in her arms. Courtney rolled her eyes at her cousin’s prudishness.

“Yes! They’re being really nice to us, we should share.” She undid her shorts and wriggled out of them, then stood for a moment in her bra and panties, looking at Willam. “Undergarments, too?” she asked coyly.

“Whatever you want me to get clean,” Willam replied, eyes glued to her body.

Courtney turned around, pulling her hair on top of her head, asking, “Help?”

Willam smirked, unhooking her bra for her, fingers lingering on her skin for a moment, before murmuring softly in her ear, “Need help with the panties, too?”

Courtney smiled, sliding her underwear slowly down her hips, making sure to put on a show as she bent down to pick them up. “Here you go. Thanks.”

“Mmm, dirty underpants. My favorite.” Willam gathered the clothes with Adore’s as Courtney waded into the water, turning around again to make sure her tits were on full display as she floated backwards, closing her eyes happily.

“Water’s nice, huh Court?” Bianca asked. She glanced over as at Adore, who was still standing on the shore, arms crossed.

“It’s perfect!” the blonde sang, then, “Adore, seriously, show her. Unless you want to show her later, alone…”

“Courtney…” Adore growled.

“Adore…” Courtney mocked.

Adore groaned, unzipping her backpack in frustration. “Fine!”

“I mean, we don’t have much,” Courtney explained, “But Adore is a really good hunter, and she caught a turkey this morning. We were looking for somewhere to roast him, so-”

“Holy shit, seriously? It’s been ages since we had meat. That’s awesome. Good going…what’s your name again?” Bianca’s dark eyes sparkled.

Adore grit her teeth as the other girls laughed, barely paying attention to their conversation, just fuming at Bianca and her smug face, her stupid dimples. And Courtney flirting up a storm, happy as a lark, tits still out for all the world to see.

“Adore, what are you waiting for? Drop the towel and get in! The water is amaaaazing!”

Bianca put a hand on Adore’s shoulder. “I’ll give you guys some privacy. Why don’t you come find me when you’re out and dressed and we can roast up your little friend?”

“Bianca, you’re not coming in with us?” Courtney pouted, batting her lashes.

“We don’t usually go in more than one at a time. Safety thing. Gotta always be ready for defense. Willam’s just down there, in shouting distance, if you need anything.”

“Alright, we’ll miss you…Right, Adore?”

“Will you stop?” Adore sighed.

Bianca laughed. “Don’t worry, Adore, I know she’s full of shit. See you later.”

Once she was gone, and with Willam safely downriver, Adore finally began to remove her clothes, wading into the water after Courtney.

“Well,” Courtney said, “I hope you’re happy. I mean, she’s totally your type.”

“Courtney, what the fuck are you talking about?”

“Baby, come on. I saw those pictures you used to keep on your phone, in the before time, when we had phones.” Courtney sank down into the water, eyes dancing with glee. “You were all about tits and ass.”

Adore scowled at her, trying not to laugh.

“Don’t give me that look. And don’t tell me you haven’t noticed,” Courtney giggled, miming generous tits with her hands. Adore lunged at her in the water, dunking her, causing her to shriek with laughter.

***

“Thanks for the clothes. What do you think?”

Willam looked up from the boulders, where she was spreading out the girls’ clothing to dry, weighing them down with stones, to see Courtney, dressed in the loaner clothes. An oversized tank top, no bra, tied at the waist, and some ratty old cargo shorts that were falling off her slender hips. Her blonde hair framed her face in wet, wavy locks. Willam grinned. “Not bad. Do you feel…fresh?”

“As a daisy.”

Willam nodded as Courtney walked over to her, sliding her arms around her shoulders.

“So…not to be crude or anything, but…you’re super hot, and it’s been a really long time, and I’d like to fuck you. Cool?”

Willam gripped her waist, fingers digging into the soft skin. “Well, I don’t know, all this romance, I’m overcome…”

Courtney narrowed her green eyes, launching herself at the taller girl, crashing their lips together in a hungry, desperate kiss, pulling her to the ground, climbing into her lap as she quickly removed her top. Managing to maintain an air of both dominance and utter neediness, clawing desperately at her clothes as their tongues tangled together. Courtney had a deep, primal craving to feel her skin - the beating heart of another human pressed up against hers.

For a few brief moments, Willam was so wrapped up in lust, in the perfect senseless feeling of being wanted, that she forgot to be self-conscious. When Courtney ripped off her shirt and tugged at her bra, she forgot to care that her tits we no longer full and perky – not like they used to be. Her mind was blank of everything except Courtney’s hands, her tongue, the grinding in her lap, hands pulling at the fly of her shorts.

“Wait!” she finally broke the spell, breathless.

Courtney looked up, cheeks flushed, pupils blown out. “What’s wrong?”

“I’m not…I mean…I…” Willam panicked, searching for the right words. “How long is a really long time?” she finally asked. Deflection. That was safe.

Courtney gulped. “Um…why do you…?”

“I just…maybe we should slow down a little?” Willam said.

“Are you trying to kill me?” Courtney asked.

Willam laughed, leaning forward to kiss her neck, sucking gently on her pulse point until she heard a breathy whimper.

“Maybe I want to be in charge…” She trailed her fingers down Courtney’s collarbone, then began to toy gently with the stiff nub of her nipple.

Courtney’s heart beat wildly, hips rolling, arching against Willam as sparks raced through her body. She felt weak and dizzy, offering no resistance as Willam laid her down on her back and began to trail wet, warm kisses down her torso. A tongue circled her nipples, hands slid her shorts off without even bothering to open them. Willam’s tangled curls spilled over her shoulders, brushing against Courtney’s sensitive skin as a hot mouth pressed against her inner thigh.

She flung a leg over Willam’s shoulder, desperate for more, her voice a whine as she breathed, “Please…please…”

Willam hovered over her with a devious gleam in her eyes, slowly licking her lips, causing the anticipation to build painfully in Courtney’s belly. Her fingers skated lightly over Courtney’s wet skin as the blonde buried her hands deep into her hair. When she finally lowered her head, let her tongue make contact with the girl’s swollen clit, her head was yanked forward. The bold impatience made Willam chuckle and as a reward, she sucked on her, causing Courtney to moan, grinding against her tongue. As she continued to work Courtney into a frenzy, thighs pressed to her ears drowned out the increasingly urgent sounds of her moaning.

“Oh god…” Courtney remembered having been sexually active once, enthusiastically so. But this…this was different. She felt cosmically alive, the cells of her body vibrating in tune with the stars and yet rooted in the earth, her back pressed to the rocks, heels digging into Willam’s back, the warmth of her mouth, the softness of her hands, the surprising tenderness of her touch, all of it wrapping Courtney in a cloud of desire for more. She arched up again as Willam made her way up her torso again, finding her lips. She plunged a tongue onto Willam’s mouth, wanting to taste what she’d tasted, enjoying the weight of her body pressing down.

Willam explored Courtney’s mouth with her tongue, hands wandering over her body. She had a brief flash of guilt, remembering Alaska, how it had never been like this with her. But that was their agreement, so to speak. They’d been best friends. Sisters. They knew, deep down, that if they weren’t trapped together in this godforsaken war-torn hellscape, that they wouldn’t have been together, not like that. But that was okay. It still meant something. It was still good to have someone; someone who cared, who made her laugh until her sides hurt, someone who could get her off in a pinch – if that’s what the moment called for. But now, looking at Courtney, panting, whimpering, Willam felt wanted in way that she hadn’t for the longest time.

“You’re so beautiful,” Courtney said, arching against her, hands gripping her ass.

Beautiful? Willam couldn’t help chuckling. She didn’t feel beautiful. The only thing she felt was terrified as nimble fingers began to open her fly.

“What’s the matter?” Courtney asked, eyes wide. Willam had pushed her hands away without even realizing it.

“Uh, I…” Willam rolled off of her, breathing hard. “I’m sorry.”

Courtney sat up, cleared her throat. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m just…you know I’m trans, right? Like, I mean I think it’s pretty obvious, but-”

“I didn’t really-”

“Don’t bullshit me here, you’re making it worse.”

“Okay, yeah. I assumed so.”

Willam nodded. “Right. So. I don’t look like you, down there.”

“So?”

“Well…is that okay with you? I mean it sort of makes scissoring a distant fantasy,” Willam said, forcing a laugh.

Courtney put a hand on her face, kissed her cheek softly.

“I really like you, Willam. I really…I don’t want to make you uncomfortable, but…god, I want you.”

Willam swallowed. She looked into Courtney’s eyes, nodding slightly, and moved her hands to her shorts, hands shaking. Courtney caressed the side of her face, kissing her temple, soothing her frayed nerves, moving one hand to help Willam slide her shorts down her legs.

After another soft kiss, Courtney swung a leg over, straddling Willam, hands on her shoulders, leaning forward. She began rolling her hips, slowly, bending down to tangle their tongues together. Willam threaded her hands into Courtney’s hair, pushing the wet strands away from her face. She could feel herself getting hard against the other girl, and when Courtney broke the kiss, moving down her neck and chest, hooking two fingers into her panties, she looked up at Willam, waiting for confirmation.

“Is this okay?”

“Yeah. Go ahead.” Willam lay back, shutting her eyes, as Courtney slid her underwear slowly down her legs, and then felt soft, delicate hands caressing her thighs, a gentle kiss placed just inside her knee. Hands slid up, holding her hips now. She could feel hot breath against her. She opened her eyes.

“Hey,” Courtney said, with a soft smile.

“Hi,” Willam replied shyly.

“You’re beautiful.”

Willam’s heart began to beat faster as Courtney began to trail her fingers over her, kissing her, licking her. Tasting her. She arched up, digging her fingers into Courtney’s shoulders. This wasn’t just oral sex. Courtney wasn’t just sucking her, trying to make her come. She was discovering her. And somehow, it made Willam’s anxiety fade away. It made her feel, maybe more than ever before, like a woman, the way this part of her, this part she’d always been so disconnected from, was being handled, cradled, treasured.

Courtney swirled her tongue around her, hummed against her, nuzzled her face into her skin. She stirred something so deep, so primal, that Willam’s instincts took over and she forgot to feel anything but pure, ecstatic lust. Willam reached down and gripped Courtney’s face, dragging her into a kiss, crushing their lips together, kissing her over and over. Courtney’s thighs squeezed Willam’s hips, surprisingly strong, a smile on her face as she arched forward.

Willam wrapped her arms around Courtney’s waist, whispering in her ear. “I want you. Can we…?”

“Yes, yes!” Courtney’s body was trembling in anticipation as she raised up onto her knees, guiding Willam inside, inhaling sharply. Once she was sitting down firmly, she leaned forward, tits brushing against Willam’s, hips rocking slowly as she adjusted to the fullness inside of her, trying to find the right angle.

Digging her nails into her palms to control herself, Willam choked out, “You good?” She didn’t want to move too quickly, but fuck. Courtney was so hot and wet, so perfectly soft. Willam felt possessed, feeling an urge to flip her over and jackhammer away. This need was the bane of her fucking existence.

As if reading Willam’s mind, Courtney began to roll her hips faster, her whimpers getting louder as she raked her nails against Willam’s skin.

“Oh, god,” she moaned, throwing her head back.

Willam thrust up into her, lips pressed against her sweaty neck. She slid her hands up, thumbs rubbing against her nipples, earning a rapturous cry.

“Harder, please…”

“Fuck yeah,” Willam giggled, rolling her over, pushing one of her legs back and pumping harder, her only guide Courtney’s desperate cries for more, the nails in her back.

Courtney gripped her ass, her only anchor to the physical world, as orgasms ripped through her body, spasms curling her toes, over and over. She gasped for air as if she’d been drowning, hips still twitching, pulsing, and then she felt Willam come, the warmth a surprise.

They lay together for a few moments, Willam breathing into the crook of Courtney’s neck, Courtney’s hands resting on the small of Willam’s back, before Willam lifted her head to look into Courtney’s eyes, giving her a wicked smirk.

“You’re gonna need another dip in the water. Look at you…” She began to pull leaves from Courtney’s hair.

Courtney giggled. “I don’t care. That was amazing. God, you are so…” She pressed her lips against Willam’s, kissing her tenderly. “And I honestly don’t know what you were worried about. I’ve been fucked by a strap-on, and this was a million times better.”

Willam chuckled. “Uh…thanks, I think?”

“Was that offensive?”

“Probably, but I don’t really care, because you’re too goddamn cute.” Willam pinched her thigh, easing out and resting a head on her shoulder.

“I do have a question…promise me you won’t think I’m like…a total moron.”

“I can’t promise that,” Willam replied.

“Right.” Courtney sighed. “Um…like…do I need to be worried, about…you know…I mean…”

“I’m pretty sure I’m clean, and you are a moron. You ask this question BEFORE you fuck someone, genius.” Willam grinned.

“No. I mean. Good. And right. But…uh…I mean, like…what about pregnancy?”

“I can’t get pregnant,” Willam said.

“Yeah, thanks.” Courtney rolled her eyes. “I’m serious.”

Willam thought for a minute. “Shit.”

“Right.”

“I mean, safe sex used to be kind of a given, but then we ran out of condoms…”

“Right.” Courtney could feel her heart start to hammer in her chest.

“I was on HRT for a good five years, so probably not. I mean, that stuff supposedly has long-lasting effects, even though nothing is…”

“Okay. Okay, that’s…”

“Look, I wouldn’t worry. I’m sorry, I just, I wasn’t thinking about-”

“No, I know, me neither. I was sort of caught up in the moment, and you’re…I mean you’re a woman. I didn’t…” She reached for her shirt, trying to breathe, slipping it on slowly.

“It would be a cute baby,” Willam offered cheerfully.

Courtney buried her face in her hands. “Oh god, oh…” She took a shaky breath.

“I’m kidding. I’m sorry. What…what can I do?”

“Nothing, I’m just…um…having a little…a little trouble breathing.”

***

Shea gazed out over the treeline, shielding her eyes from the harsh afternoon sun. She heard a small sigh and turned around, hands on her hips.

“You’re obsessing.”

“I’m not,” Sasha countered immediately.

“You are. I can tell.”

“No. I’m not. I’m just…thinking.”

“Obsessing.”

Sasha sighed. “Semantics, Shea. You say obsessing, I say…thinking. Pontificating…”

“About?” Shea asked, hands circling Sasha’s slim waist, lips grazing their ear.

“It’s gonna annoy you.”

Shea kissed Sasha’s pulse point, running a hand up their arm.

“I’m used to you annoying me.”

Sasha shivered, felt themself melt against Shea’s gentle touch, her plush lips. “It’s…it’s about what Willam said…”

“That bullshit about how we shouldn’t be happy?”

“…Maybe?”

Shea sighed.

“I warned you,” Sasha said softly.

“You think this is my ideal life? Let me tell you something…I’m not a fucking country girl. Okay? This is not what I imagined for myself when I was a child daydreaming about my goddamn future. But here we are. So…guess what? I’m clinging to every shred of fucking happiness that we can wring out of every day, alright? Because we have no idea how long it’ll last. So…tell me exactly what’s wrong with that?”

“There’s nothing wrong with that…” Sasha admitted.

“No. And in fact, that might be the only way that our lives can have any meaning at all. Is to not give up. To have some fucking dignity, right now, today.”

“But what about the resistance? We left-”

“There’s no more resistance, Sasha! Okay? You think I’d have left my brother, and my home, and everyone, if there was something left to fight for? Something to fight against? The only thing back there right now, is ashes. And we were lucky, you know? Some cities got nuked. So…yeah, maybe someday the resistance will rise up again but for now, staying alive is our resistance mission.”

“How will we know? When it’s time to ‘rise up again’?”

“Word will spread. It always does. Word got around before cell phones and the post office and it will get around again. Trust me. So we’ve gotta stay strong and we’ve gotta stay sane, and we’ve gotta…enjoy the moments we can, while we can. But…babe…” Shea took Sasha’s face in her hands, eyes pleading. “I am begging you…”

“Yes?” Sasha asked softly.

“Don’t leave me.”

Sasha smiled. “Shea, I’m not going anywhere, why would you think-”

“No. I mean.” Shea closed her eyes briefly and then began speaking again. “In your mind. Don’t waste the time we have worrying about this stuff. Please.”

Sasha touched Shea’s lips with their fingers, tracing her mouth, listening to her heart beating. “I’ll do my best.”

“And don’t worry about Willam. Okay? Willam is a fucking survivor. She’s probably having a threesome with those new girls at this very moment.”

Sasha laughed. “I certainly hope so.”

“Oh you do, do you?” Shea responded cheekily, raising her eyebrow.

“Well, you know, I mean…for Willam’s sake. She deserves it!” Sasha said, batting their eyelashes innocently.

“Right, right…for Willam.” Shea pulled Sasha into her lap. “Nothing to do with your filthy mind, imagining some kind of sexy bathtime action with those girls.”

“Wha…?” Sasha laughed, giggling as Shea peppered their neck with kisses. “I’m not imagining anything! You brought it up…”

“Yeah, and I know you. I’ve seen your exes. You’d love to watch those pretty little Barbie-looking girls frolicking in the water. Wouldn’t you?” Shea challenged.

“Omigod…” Sasha pushed Shea onto the ground, pinning her shoulders down and climbing on top of her. “Well, you’re right about one thing.”

“What’s that?”

Sasha bent down, placing a soft, teasing kiss against Shea’s plush mouth, then whispered, “I love pretty girls…” They kissed her again, harder this time, slipping a hand under her top. “Only the prettiest do it for me…”

“We’re supposed to be on lookout duty…” Shea smirked up at them.

“Oh, I know,” Sasha replied. “This is incredibly negligent.”

“Exactly. And if you think you can get out of trouble by buttering me up with flattery and - oh!” Shea dug her nails into Sasha’s shoulders, the pressure of their hips holding her down, feathery light touches sending shivers down her spine.

“Not working, huh?” Sasha asked, lips brushing against her pulse point. “What a shame…”

“Not in the slightest,” Shea panted hoarsely, shutting her eyes, arching upward. “But keep going, I could maybe…come around…”

***

Bianca assessed the slim harvest they’d reaped from the garden that morning, sighing as she carefully removed the heads from the carrots, glancing over at Adore by the campfire.

“Just so you know, you totally saved us today. We don’t have much else to eat, unfortunately. I know you’re not super excited that Courtney’s making you share, but we’re all gonna be very fucking grateful, so…thanks.”

Adore shrugged, tossing her hair over her shoulder. “Eh, I can catch another one. It was more the principle of sharing that I was opposed to.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah, Courtney was being so…like…I dunno. Weak.”

Bianca laughed. “She did immediately surrender. Not much of a soldier.”

“You’d be surprised, actually.”

“Oh yeah?”

“We’ve had a few stand-offs. She doesn’t love to kill, but she can do it.” Adore poked the turkey, watching the sparks arc into the air.

“Good to know.”

After a few moments of silence, Adore cleared her throat. “Um…so…”

“Yes?”

She took a deep breath, looking up at Bianca. “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, but…what was that camp really like? I assume the orgy comment was bullshit.”

“Uh, yeah. Well. It was kind of like…2 parts prison, 3 parts basic training, with a healthy portion of experimental mental hospital. Pretty hellish, basically. But we got off easy. The boys had it a lot worse, from what we’ve heard.”

“How old were you?” Adore asked.

“Eighteen.”

“I’m so sorry.” Adore shook her head.

Bianca shrugged, expression still nonchalant. “Yeah, well. It is what it is. I take it you guys slipped under the radar?”

“Not Courtney. She got taken in for questioning. Unlawful internet activity. But apparently there’s a loophole in the system where if you blow the guy doing your assessment, they deem you straight enough to pass inspection.”

Bianca laughed. “I did not know about that loophole. I still would have failed but…”

“Yeah, me too,” Adore smirked. “But yeah, I wasn’t even out yet, at the time. I mean I knew, I guess…but I was too scared to say anything. The only person I told was Courtney. And she told me to keep my mouth shut.”

“Smart.”

“It’s so weird, though. I have an aunt who’s gay. Was, gay. And I remember going to her wedding. I must have been like 11 years old. And it was like…this great day. Everyone was so happy. And then by the time I was 14, I was recognizing what these feelings were, and everyone is talking about a threat to public safety, and conversion therapy, and I was just like…what happened?”

“It was never about gay people,” Bianca said. “It was about control. They could divide and conquer with this shit. LGBT, Muslim, Black, Brown…that was the first wave. Then it was Asian, Native American, Welfare recipients, socialists, atheists, the elderly, disabled, Jews, feminists, Catholics, the last thing I heard was “deviant Christians” for people that were like, Episcopalians and Methodists… They did it so fast and to so many groups, that it effectively killed the resistance before it started. So now they have their country back. And from what I’ve heard, they’re even worse off there than we are here.”

Adore laughed. “I mean of course. A police state of only straight white evangelical Christians? Sounds fucking horrible.”

“I heard that there’s a place in Texas where you can get over the border. But that may just be a rumor.”

“We heard that too! That where we’re heading. It’s supposed to be in Big Bend National Park. The problem is, once you get past Louisiana, there’s like a thousand miles of wasteland to cross. So…I dunno. Courtney’s all gung ho about it but…”

“It’s a long shot.”

“Yeah.”

Bianca gazed at her for a few moments, a little sad to see such a defeated look in those beautiful eyes. “Well, you know. Long shot doesn’t mean impossible. Dare to dream, little one.”

Adore chuckled. “Little one? I’m not that much younger than you, you know.”

Bianca grinned, dimples deep in her cheeks. “I know. But a few years can be a lot. I mean when I came out, Obama was still president.”

“Wow. You are old. Tell me more about the before times, grandma.”

“Shut up.”

“No, seriously, did you ride a horse and buggy to the gay bars, back in the olden times?” Adore smirked at her.

“Actually, the gay bars all got shut down by the time I was 17, you little shithead.”

“Well…when I was 17, I was living in a bomb shelter with my aunt, uncle, and a cousin who wouldn’t stop humping my leg.”

“Boo freaking hoo!” Bianca barked. “At least your cousin is hot!”

“How come nobody here thinks that incest is a problem?!” Adore laughed.

“Welcome to the South,” Bianca said, shrugging. “That smells fucking delicious, by the way. I think we should just eat the whole thing ourselves, like lay into it caveman style; fuck everyone else.”

“Party.” Adore’s eyes glittered conspiratorially, locked with Bianca’s.

“B! Are you with Adore?!” Willam’s voice cut through the quiet woods, waking Bianca out of her daze, running through a crop of trees, up to the campfire.

“Yeah, what do you-”

“It’s Courtney, she’s kind of…uh…freaking out…” Willam shifted, eyes darting around, unsure of herself. She looked both scared and a little guilty.

“Where is she?!” Adore asked, jumping up and following Willam back through the woods, Bianca at her heels. They found Courtney by the creek, curled up on the ground, her head on her knees.

She looked up at Adore, face streaked with tears, choking out, “I-I’m s-sorry, I…”

Adore knelt down, putting her hands gently on her cousin’s cheeks, brushing away her tears. “Baby, it’s okay. You’re gonna be okay. Do you feel my hands?” Courtney nodded. “Good, that’s good. Now try to-”

Bianca came up behind her. “What the fuck are you doing?”

“She’s having a panic attack, back off,” Adore said.

“I will not. And that’s not how you deal with a panic attack in the woods.”

“Oh yeah? You have a better method?”

“Sure do!” Bianca replied, stepping closer.

Adore looked at Courtney, who was attempting another breath, gasping, and then back at Bianca. She nodded, crawling backwards to allow Bianca to look into Courtney’s eyes.

After a beat, Bianca grabbed Courtney by the shoulders and lifted her up, practically flinging her small body against a tree. Adore’s mouth opened in shock, and she lunged forward, but Willam held her back.

“Listen up, princess,” Bianca growled in Courtney’s face. “There’s a camp 30 miles south of here. A bunch of greasy, nasty motherfuckers. You know how much shit they’d trade for a hot piece of ass like you? And if you can’t fight, if you’re gonna crack under pressure like this, for whatever reason, and I don’t really give a shit what your reason is…well then all the nice cute memories of my purple shoelaces are sure as fuck not gonna save you. You follow me?”

Courtney nodded slowly.

“Good. Great. So I’m gonna let go, and you’re gonna take a few deep breaths, and then you’re gonna remember that while you’re here, you are a fucking soldier. And if you can’t be a soldier, then you’re a commodity. It’s that goddamn simple.” Bianca let go and Courtney gulped a few breaths. “There you go.”

Courtney wiped her eyes, then looked at Bianca again, saying simply. “Thanks.”

Adore wrenched her arms out of Willam’s grasp, finally free to go hug her cousin. “Are you okay, babe?”

Courtney shook her off lightly, aware that this moment was still a test. “Yeah, I’m fine.” She looked at Willam, who was hovering nearby uncertainly. “I should get something to drink. And a belt. Can we…?”

Willam smiled, relieved, and held out her hand. “Come on.”

Adore watched them walk towards the water in one direction, while Bianca turned and walked in the other, back to the campfire to check on the turkey. She waited a few moments and then stormed after the older girl.

“What the fuck was that?”

Bianca rolled her eyes. “It worked, didn’t it?”

“You acted like it was her fault! Like she had a fucking choice about it! Newsflash, she doesn’t!”

“She forgot where she was.”

“So fucking what?!” This girl really was the worst. What a bitch. Adore glared at her, arms crossed, eyes blazing with anger.

Bianca tried to ignore her, messing with the campfire, but something about her expression made her deeply uncomfortable. “I didn’t…it’s not like I was going to follow through on the threat. She just…she can’t forget where we are. It’s not like it was before. It’s not safe here, to…to be in that head space, where you can just freak out with no consequences. If that happens during an ambush, she’d be dead. We need to remember that everything here is life or death. We can’t…we can’t get all cozy and start letting our feelings get in the way of survival. Or we’re all fucked.” Bianca swallowed, realized that she was rambling, and grew self-conscious. Those eyes, still staring at her, piercing her soul. “Whatever, it’s not like I have to justify myself to you,” she finished, looking away.

Adore swallowed. Because suddenly Bianca didn’t seem all that mean or powerful or scary. She just seemed like a girl. Afraid. Lost. Doing her best. Adore slowly walked forward, stood close enough to Bianca to realize, for the first time, that she was taller than the older girl. She continued to stare down at her for a few heated moments, until Bianca looked back up, eyes so dark they were nearly black meeting hers. Heart racing, Adore took a finger and tilted Bianca’s chin forward, meeting her lips in a soft, tentative kiss.

Bianca responded just as tentatively, hands wrapping loosely around Adore’s waist, lips pressing against hers, trying not to scare her off by moaning when the brunette’s hands tugged at her hair, then drifted down to wander over her body.

Feeling slightly bolder now, Bianca pulled her closer, tongue massaging hers softly as Adore’s hands groped for her tits. She slid her fingers lower, cupping her round ass, as Adore let out a breathy whimper, then quickly pulled away, catching her breath. “Um. We should…finish cooking.”

“Alright.”

Adore bit her lip, suppressing a smile. She looked up at Bianca again, a little chagrined, clearing her throat. “Well, the good news is, I’m now confirmed gay.”

Bianca chuckled. “Congratulations. And the bad news?”

“Who said there was bad news?”

***

“Feeling better?” Willam asked, tucking a strand of hair behind Courtney’s ear, fingers lingering gently on her cheek.

“Much. Thanks.” Courtney sighed. “Sorry for all that. I don’t know why I…it wasn’t about you. I mean not…you know.”

“I know.”

“Having a baby would be the worst thing. I mean we remember what it was like before, when things were good. Or at least…better. Freedom and choices and-and libraries. I mean remember dancing? Remember Taco Trucks? Remember Netflix, and like, Olympic figure skating?”

“Yeah. I do.”

“So, I can’t. Have a baby. Because I can’t look at a baby every day knowing that their future is this fucking shit. It would break my heart.”

“You’re not as dumb as you look,” Willam said, studying Courtney’s pretty face.

“Yeah…” Courtney agreed, sighing slightly. “Sometimes I wish I was, though. It would make all of this…a lot easier.”

A dry laugh escaped Willam’s throat. “Ain’t that the fuckin’ truth…” She reached over, gently linked her pinky with Courtney’s.

“I really am sorry-” Courtney started again.

Willam cut her off. “Shut up, okay? Just…shut up. We’re good.”

Courtney nodded, moving closer to Willam on the boulder, pressing their arms together. “Good.”

***

Courtney strolled over to the campfire, putting her arms around Adore from behind, face pressed to her back. “Hey, bunny.”

Adore turned around and hugged her fiercely. “You scared me.”

“I’m sorry.”

Adore buried her face in Courtney’s hair, holding her tight, then whispered in her ear, “You were right, by the way.”

“About what?” Courtney murmured back.

Looking around to make sure no one was in earshot, Adore giggled and said, “Her tits. They are amazing.”

Courtney pulled back to look at Adore’s face, her mouth open in delight. “You slut!” She clapped her hands and dissolved into giggles, throwing her arms around Adore’s waist. “I’m so proud…”

Adore laughed. “Shut up…”

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dontshootmespence · 7 years

Text

The Penrose Triangle

Part 6

Before the bandage even came off, he knew he wanted to talk to Luke, but he hadn’t, because he’d been too scared of taking off that bandage and not seeing Luke’s words. And now here he was, sitting in a cell, with only one comrade to show for his first two weeks here, having not confessed to Luke, and now he might never have the chance.

After two weeks, Shaw had already saved him from one near shanking. As an FBI agent who’d admitted to killing a CI, Calvin Shaw had the respect of the other inmates, and for some reason, he’d taken it on himself to take Spencer under his wing and train him in the ways of living behind prison bars – something Spencer never thought would actually come to pass in his life.

Even though for the time being Spencer trusted Shaw, he still couldn’t risk telling him anything about himself, especially regarding his feelings for Luke. If he got found out as being gay or bisexual, he would absolutely be taken advantage of in the worst way, and that was something he already feared.

Since he’d been remanded to state custody, Garcia, Emily and Rossi had already been to see him. JJ would be next, and then Luke. The thing was, he had no idea what to say to Luke when he did come. How was he supposed to make small talk when the words on his arm reflected how he’d felt about Luke before he even knew they were there?

Of course, telling Luke about everything was a possibility, but the more he thought about it, the less it seemed fair – to both of them. The fact was, there was a distinct possibility that Spencer wouldn’t live to experience those things he hadn’t yet, so to give himself that hope, felt to cruel. He had to play his life and his feelings day by day and hope he made it to fight another day. In Luke’s case, it was even worse. Either Luke wouldn’t feel the same way, and then he’d lose a friend, or Luke would feel the same, and then Luke would have to worry about him day in and day out wondering whether or not he would get out alive. Either way, neither of them could win until he got out.

Each and every day that went by felt like he was walking through molasses. As he walked through the halls toward the laundry room, where Shaw had thankfully procured him a job to help the days go by more quickly, he’d search the eyes of his fellow inmates and shirk away in fear and uncertainty. Prisoners always, at least almost always said that they were innocent; hell, Spencer said it himself, but while Spencer knew deep down that he didn’t murder Nadie Ramos, he could see in the other inmates that they were definitely guilty of their supposed crimes, and they took pride in that fact. Put that on top of the fact that Spencer was never a fighter, not even in his job at the Bureau, and he was prime pickings for a beating. There was never a day or even an hour that went by that Spencer felt safe, especially if Shaw was nowhere in sight. But even with Shaw around, he knew to feel wary of him. It almost felt like he was grooming him because he knew that he would need him for something illegal down the road.

Every step was heavy. Every breath he took was on borrowed time. And every second that passed saw his sanity morphing into something else between paranoia and insanity.

There were people that lived their entire lives behind bars. Spencer truly had no idea how that was possible, because at the rate he was going, he wasn’t going to last a year.

---

“Weren’t you supposed to go in to see the kid today?” Rossi asked as he passed Luke’s desk, noticing the agent’s drawn face and shadowed eyes, portraying confidence and joy while hiding something darker and much deeper.

Luke shook his head, only just realizing that someone passed his desk and possibly asked him a question. “I was. I-I couldn’t go.” How was he supposed to go, knowing what he knew? “I just have to do what I can from out here. Actually, I am going today, but to see another inmate.”

A veteran profiler like Rossi knew immediately that something was wrong, so he sat down across from Luke and asked. “What’s wrong?” Luke’s eyes darted away from him, but they couldn’t hide from each other; they spent too much time together to be able to hide any feeling, good or bad, very well. “It makes sense for us to be messed up by Reid going to prison. We’ve known him for years, but you seem to be taking it worse than any of us. Now either I’m wrong in that assumption, or…”

Luke slowly rolled up the sleeve of his shirt and stretched out his arm for Rossi to see. “As does yours,” Rossi smiled. “Let me guess. Those were the first words Reid said to you.”

“Yea,” Luke said softly as he grazed his arm. “I knew it the moment the words came out of his mouth, but I also saw the fact that he had his words covered and I asked JJ why. When she told me, I decided not to press and see if he might’ve felt the same way without knowing about the words, and then…this, so apparently my soulmate is in prison and getting beaten up constantly, and I can’t do anything about it.”

Rossi couldn’t imagine being in that position. When Caroline, his first wife, had spoken her first words to him, his heart had skipped a beat. If she had been separated from him by prison walls, he would’ve fought the world to get to her; he couldn’t imagine how Luke felt knowing the man he loved was waking up in prison every day. “So who are you going to see today if not Reid?”

Luke was grateful that Rossi didn’t ask him why he wasn’t going to see Reid. “Calvin Shaw. He took Spencer under his wing and saved his ass a couple times, but I had Garcia look into him and I don’t trust him, so I’m going to go in and tell him what I know, and let him know that he needs to keep Spencer safe or there’s going to be hell to pay.”

It’s probably not something he should’ve admitted to a superior, but it had all just come sliding out. Rossi’s smirk put Luke at ease though. “Good. Tell him David Rossi has an eye on him too.”

Luke was thankful to have the heft of Rossi’s name behind him too. “I will,” Luke said, gathering his hands together and resting his head on them. “I’m gonna head on over there now.”

“Alvez?” Rossi asked as Luke walked toward the door. He turned around knowing what Rossi was probably going to say. Instead of it being annoying though, he found it comforting. “We are going to get him out of there. And then you can tell him exactly how you feel.”

“I hope so.”

---

Spencer noticed there was something different about Shaw these past couple of weeks. After his near shanking, he’d gotten even more protective, finding him a cell near to his, and sticking his neck out for him in common areas on more than one occasion. He had no idea why. And though Spencer had learned not to ask too many questions that might get him into trouble, he couldn’t help but wonder why Shaw had taken such a special interest in him. “No reason,” Shaw had replied. “Just one Fed to another.”

There was something about the way his lips moved but his eyes didn’t match that made Spencer think he was lying. If he had to hazard a guess, someone had threatened him in order to keep him safe, and if that was the case, then Shaw had something to hide, which didn’t bode well for him.

That’s when it started to happen. Drugs.

There were drugs being run through the prison, and Spencer was positive that Shaw was at the head of it all. Just because he was a former federal agent didn’t mean he held the same values. After so many years inside, a man could easily change. One of the other inmates, a big man by the name of Charlie Roder told her that he was to move something for him from one room to another. In public, Spencer stood his ground. He’d gone to Mexico to get a not-legal-but-also-not-illegal drug for his mother, but he was not about to push hard drugs. Charlie questioned him a second time, asking if he would do what he was told, but when Spencer said no, Charlie told him he’d regret it soon enough.

Soon enough came very soon – that night actually.

Only two things kept him going as three different inmates, including Charlie, pounded hardened fists into his stomach, chest and arms – his mother and Luke. His mother needed him. Whether she was alive for another 20 years or another 20 months, it didn’t matter; he needed to be there for her. And Luke…from what his friends had told him about Luke not visiting and the excuses he’d used, Spencer had started to believe that Luke ‘s words also reflected their connection, and coming in to see him was too difficult. If Luke couldn’t come in, then he needed to get out, and in order to do that, he had to survive the assault on his body and morals. Every hit sent a picture of his mother or Luke shooting across his mind. “You’re going to do what you’re told,” Charlie grunted as his fist connected with Spencer’s jaw. “Do what you’re told and this won’t happen again.”

When they left him bloodied and beaten on the floor, his head landed on his arm – Luke’s words staring back at him. He had to get out. Everything he’d felt about these words and soulmates and autonomy over his own love life had come to this. Luke had sparked something in him before he even knew the words were there. He had to get back to him and have a chance at love – after all he’d been through, he deserved that much. Keep your head down. That’s what Emily had said to him. If that meant moving the drugs, or possibly rendering them damaged with anyone noticing, then that’s what he’d do. It was either that or he’d never get home – his mother would torture herself into believing that him being in prison was her fault, and he would never be able to tell Luke what their conversations and his shining smile had done for him. They’d brought him out of a darkness he thought he’d never leave and now the light was in reach. He was at the bottom of a hole, and he needed to fight his way out, but the light was there, and he had to reach for it.

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#spencer reid #luke alvez #maeve donovan #dontshootmespence #the penrose triangle

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