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soulofapatrick · 1 year

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Dance with me - Jesse x reader

Summary: Both Jesse and Y/N decide to dance with each other to make their intended person jealous but find something out about themselves

Words: 2.7k

Warnings: none that I can think of

Y/N’s POV

“They’re so perfect together, aren’t they?” I say to Jesse with fake disgust in my voice as he joins me, beer in hand and honestly look fine as fuck in a dark grey long sleeved henley and tight jeans. He’s got that swagger of confidence that adds to it all, especially when he leans on one elbow next to me. People always have their eyes on Jesse wherever he goes, being one of the only Asian Americans in Jackson and it always makes me laugh at how every gets surprised at the smooth southern twang in his accent. He takes after his mother more except the darker tone of skin, almost a light caramel in the light of the barn.

“Yeah they are.” His voice is low and full of pain and I notice he’s staring at Dina and Ellie dancing while I was staring at Teddy who is dancing with Emily, both of us seemingly pining for one of them that we can’t have. Dina and Jesse broke up last week and it seems like her and Ellie definitely have a thing for each other while Theo doesn’t even know who I am, “Theo still not paying attention?”

“Nope,” I pop the ‘p’ and he laughs, his smiles gently and I’m blurting out, “We could dance?”

“We could.” He nods, neither of us moving as he waits for me to reformulate my thoughts and try again, cognac eyes soft and fond.

“You want Dina to notice you’re happy so dance with me,” I say and something crosses his face too quickly for me to be able to read before he’s putting his beer down and grabbing my hand. It catches me off guard because Jesse’s always touching me whether it’s shoulder to shoulder or either of our fingers brushing the other’s arm or thigh, it’s never been hand holding. His long fingers curling around my hand before he’s spinning me and catching me by the hips, pulling me close and suddenly we’re dancing.

It’s freeing, as if this is the first time I’ve been able to relax in such a long time and just let Jesse and the music consume me. The song changing to a slightly slower one has Jesse pulling me closer than before and he begins swaying me instead, hands having a firm but comforting grip on my hips. I snake my arms around his shoulders, taking in the others dancing around us. Most of the friend groups have steps off to leave the couples dancing and I spot Ellie and Dina watching us and talking. They’re smiling and laughing still so turn my attention back to Jesse, raising my eyes to meet his as if he’s been watching me this whole time.

My face flushes but unable to look away from those hooded eyes, suddenly feeling weak at the knees when I realise we’re so close I can make out the light dusting of freckles across his cheeks and nose that I had never seen before. They blend into his currently tanned complexion so I’ve never noticed them or been close enough to notice them. Strands of his hair falls in his eyes, curling at the ends and it makes me think he should never get a haircut because this slightly longer than normal look is really fucking hot. I can’t help myself when I reach up and brush it aside slightly, hearing Jesse’s breath hitch as we continue to sway. He’s leaning down, hesitating, until his nose bumps mine but he doesn’t come any closer than that, as if afraid. I’m afraid too, not wanting to ruin our friendship because I’d be lost without Jesse, I really would lose myself if he stopped talking.

I would lose myself. Oh.

“Y/N,” My name rolls off of his tongue in a whisper so quiet it sounds like a promise. He’s asking for something, he’s asking for everything. I’m tilting my head to the side and it’s as if we were made for each other the way his lips fit against mine in a hesitant and cautious kiss. It’s nothing like how others have kissed me. No, Jesse’s kiss is all consuming and it’s like nothing else matters more than the gentle movement against my lips or the small smile curved into them.

“Fuck,” I breathe, as we separate, and I’m watching his face for any signs of regret but there’s only what can be described as being conflicted. We’re bumped into by Ellie and Dina before either of us can say or do anything, the pair beaming at us. I’m suddenly not in Jesse’s arms but Ellie is dragging me away from him so he can talk to Dina, making my heart drop. I guess Jesse gets what he wants: Dina.

“You two are cute,” Ellie nudges me as we head to the bar to get more drinks pointing a finger in another direction before adding, “You know Tommy is going to be a lot stricter with Jesse now.”

“What?” I ask, following where she’s pointed to. Dad’s standing with Joel and Maria and he waves at me with that look on his face. He’s going to be up to something, that look only ever means bad news in the form of pranks and teasing. It has me groaning and laying my head on Ellie’s shoulder as she orders our drinks with a light laugh.

Tommy had me a year before the outbreak with some woman he doesn’t remember. I apparently just appeared on his doorstep with a shitty note but much to everyone who knew Tommy’s surprise he stepped up and raised me. We did lose each other five years after the outbreak when I was ten but Uncle Joel kept me safe and taught me how to survive in this crazy world. He didn’t want to bring me with him and Tess when having to smuggle Ellie but I snuck along and now I’ve very happy I did. If I hadn’t I wouldn’t have found Dad again or found a family in everyone here in Jackson.

Ellie’s pushing two glasses into my hands and I’m following her to the table Dina and Jesse have migrated to. I sit down between Jesse and Dina, Ellie having pulled her chair between the exes with a wink in my direction, while Dina takes what I’m guessing is her drink from my grasp with a soft smile. A surprisingly smooth hand lands on my thigh, thumb beginning to rub comforting circles there and I take a swig of my drink. Ah, rum and coke. Ellie knows me so well. I close my eyes, taking a deep breath, letting the sounds of everyone around me having fun and letting lose relax the tension in my shoulders before I’m opening my eyes again. There’s an anxious feeling in the back of my mind but I can’t grasp what it’s for or if it’s for anything as Jesse’s acting like we’re still best friends and the three of them aren’t acting any different.

“I’ve gotta get up early so I should be heading off,” Jesse breaks the story Dina and Ellie were telling us, having not actually heard any of it, “Let me walk you home?”

“S-sure.” I can’t help but blush at the look the girls give me as I chug the rest of my drink and climb to feet, saying our goodbyes to the two before I’m following Jesse out. It’s absolutely fucking freezing outside and my dumbass didn’t bring a jacket so I try to act casual as I wrap my arms around myself trying to conserve as much body heat as possible. Beside me Jesse just chuffs fondly and a warm jacket is being place over my shoulders. He doesn’t say anything when I glance at him but there’s a knowing smile in his plump lips as his hand seeks mine. I don’t know why my heart is racing when Jesse is always touching me but this… it feels different, like there’s been a barely noticeable shift.

“Y/N.” My name sounds like plea when we stop outside mine and he’s tugging me to face him. He’s wearing the same look as earlier before we… He’s ducking down. Sparks fly when his lips connect with mine. They’re warm and welcoming, parting slightly to test new ground and his tongue ghosts over the seam of my lips. My backs against my door and our bodies pressed together, breathing heavily as if this was the most natural thing in the world. It’s as if I can taste our shared breath, feel the thud of our combined heartbeats as we fumble to open the door, practically falling through it.

“Jesse,” I step away, body immediately yearning to have his firm one pressed against me again, “We can’t… I-“

He’s walking towards me and I’m walking backwards until my hips hit the table and he’s crowding me. There’s space between our bodies as one of his hands comes up to cup my cheek while the other rests on the table by my hip, “For someone so smart you really are dumb.” He chuckles lowly, resting his forehead against mine and letting his eyes slip shut as if he’s internally fighting something, “Dina was never the one for me. She…” He sighs, “She was a distraction from who I truly wanted.”

“W-who did you want?” My voice comes out shaky and barely above a whisper, flicking my eyes up to meet those bright ones as I want to hear him say it before I can believe it. He doesn’t say it but instead captures my lips into a softer kiss that has me pulling his body flush against mine, “I need you to say it.”

“You,” His strong hands grip under my thighs before I’m suddenly sat on the table with Jesse fitting perfectly between my legs, “It was always you.”

“I don’t want to rush this. I’m not-“

“We’ll take it as slow as you want. As much or as little as you want.” He promises and I’m wrapping my legs around his waist. He laughs sweetly before kissing me again. I never want to stop kissing him, still surprised by this turn of events, but I don’t… I don’t want more than to make out with him yet. I want this to be slow and not rushed like most people have done since it’s ‘the end of the world’. I want it to be special and I think Jesse gets that because he’s pulling away again, trailing sweet kisses down my neck.

“Jesse,” I love saying his name, especially the way he reacts to it, “You’ve got patrol.”

“Yeah,” he runs a hand through his hair, before rubbing the back of his neck and trying to step away but my legs are still tightly wrapped around his waist. I don’t want him to go, not yet anyway, “Should I stay?”

“Please.” I nod, feeling all shy and nervous as if this isn’t my best friend. Nothing’s going to change between us except the fact we can kiss each other whenever we like but it’s as if our friendship was destined to flow into a relationship it’s just we were too blind too see it.

Jesse pulls me from the table and to the bedroom, knowing exactly where everything is as he’s been around enough times. Some of his own things are around the house, along with Ellie and Dina’s things. My house is always the one we go to because it’s so cosy and everyone knows my doors always open for them. The three of them have a drawer in our room full of their clothes and they have spare backpack in my wardrobe just in case they crash here. It means I don’t even bat an eyelid when Jesse goes over to his drawer, pulling out a shirt but my breath does hitch a little when he hold it out for me. Such a small and simple act meaning so much to me and he knows it.

I turn away from him, quickly kicking off my jeans and boots, pulling my shirt over my head and sliding my bra off. His eyes are piercing through my back as he tries to keep his head turned away as I pull his shirt over my head but he obviously struggles with that. His shirt reaches just above my knees with how tall he is and it’s perfect, smelling heavenly and just like Jesse.

He doesn’t hesitate to wrap an arm around my waist and pull me flush against his chest as if we haven’t cuddled before. Jesse is always the one I go to if I have a nightmare, I don’t know how he does it but when those well defined arms wrap me up I feel as if nothing in the world could ever touch me. Maybe, I’ve liked Jesse back all this time but it’s been pushed away by my subconscious because he’s my best friend and Ellie was always able to rid me of the nightmares too. I never took the time to tell the difference between my bond with Jesse and with Ellie to tell that there was something more behind Jesse’s actions.

“I can hear you thinking,” delicate lips brush over the back of my neck, pulling me back to now where Jesse has wrapped his long frame around the back of mine in a spooning cuddle. It makes me wrap Jesse’s other hand that isn’t on my waist around me and I’m covering both his hands with mine knowing I’m safe and I can go to sleep without a worry in the world because Jesse’s there.

I’m woken by the body stirring behind me, a soft groan leaving his lips as he rolls onto his back and he’s mumbling a sleep filled, “Good morning baby.”

“GET THE FUCK UP! PATROL STARTS IN TEN!” Ellie’s yelling through the front door, banging her fists against the door to make sure we’re awake and Jesse’s jumping up. He has to talk to Maria before patrol so he knows what to tell his team, being one of the leaders. I just watch as he scrambles about for clothes as he slept in just his boxers. He’s dressed in minutes and I’m climbing out of bed, dressing myself as he runs to the living room and pulls on his boots. His eyes are wide and panicked as he hates to disappoint Maria and I think there’s an added fear now as Tommy and Maria saw us kissing last night which means they probably saw us leave together too.

“Get going, I’ll bring you pack of things, Maria’s waiting.” I squeeze his arm reassuringly and he nods, heading for the door. He hesitates then comes back, kissing me breathless before he’s swinging the door open and Ellie’s telling him to hurry up. I watch the pair disappear around the corner before going back to finish getting dressed and grabbing one of the spare packs from my wardrobe. It’s already filled with supplies like water and variations of dried foods so all I really have to add is a thermos of hot coffee with extra milk for Jesse and some perishables from my fridge that I know he’ll love.

The walk from mine to the gates, past the stables is refusing, the cold wind doing a really fucking good job at waking me up fully. Everyones there when I approach, Jesse giving his usual speech, “You all know the drill. Run your routes. Mark your log books. Clear any infected you see. You run into anything you can't handle, you come back. Be smart about it.” He catches my gaze as I make my way over, giving Ellie’s horse - Shimmer - a pat before handing Jesse his pack. He smiles sweetly at me as I take Indiana’s reins from Chase - the stable boy - so Jesse can mount. What I don’t expect is for Jesse to grab my face and press a kiss to my slightly parted lips before he gets on with grace and ease.

“Come back to me alive.” I squeeze his leg tightly before stepping back as the others gallop off to do their patrol rounds while Jesse lingers a moment longer, sending me a reassuring smile and a hope for more.

“I promise.”

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owlhead650 · 2 days

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Pokemon Rejuvenation - Interceptor Asopo

This is a Pokemon Rejuvenation fanfiction that's roughly 2850 words long. This story will be like Asopo is writing diary entries about what he experiences. I don't make any alterations to the plot but I instead share my interpretation of what the main character would have been thinking at different parts of the early game. The protagonist in Rejuv goes through a lot and I wanted to explore that.

Day 1

I’m overwhelmed. My mother, Nancy, got kidnapped by this group called Team Xen. I was nearly captured too but mom tried really hard to save me. She held off the purple haired woman long enough for me to escape to the deck, but I was cornered there anyway. I thought it was over for me, but then a large flying Pokemon named Talonflame grabbed me and carried me all the way to land. It has a human partner named Tesla. She said she was doing her best to save people from the sinking boat. She left to go help more people after asking me who I was. She seems very nice, I hope I see her again soon.

I honestly felt so lost, walking into Gearen city this morning, but the sound of the rainfall felt calming. I like rain. I also think the ocean looks beautiful. That’s why when I reached the lab in the city centre, the first Pokemon I chose was a water type called Mudkip. It looks adorable and I bet it’s really good at swimming. It also has these orange things on its cheek which remind me of the hoodie Mom bought me when we visited a shopping centre together. The professor who gave me my Mudkip friend is named Professor Jenner. He seems okay, but overall I don’t know what to make of him. He was talking to this red haired woman on his TV when me and the league scout Amanda walked into the room. He acted a bit suspicious and suddenly turned the TV off.

Me and Mudkip explored the city and battled many trainers. We came across some dirty puddles and Mudkip really enjoyed splashing around in them. He got my legs dirty when he splashed about but I was still happy to see him having lots of fun. I checked the pokedex that Professor Jenner gave me and apparently Mudkip’s later evolutions can live easily in muddy water. That’s when it dawned on me that there are thousands of Mudkip all around the world, and that everybody just calls all of them Mudkip. My Mudkip feels special to me so I think I should call it something different. I then named my Mudkip ‘Mud Splash’. Mud Splash the Mudkip. Me and Mud Splash seem to make a good team. I came across this place called ‘The Help Centre’ where you can help other people with their problems. I really want me and Mud Splash to get strong enough to help my Mom escape Team Xen, so hopefully if I practise helping people at the help centre then I’ll be able to do it. There was this girl I met called Sasha who was missing her own mother. I decided to help because I knew how scared she must have been feeling. I hope that because I helped her then that means I’ll find mine someday soon too.

After we found her mother, they offered to give me a free haircut because Sasha’s mum is a barber. I asked to have my long hair cut a lot shorter. They were upset at first because they thought my long hair looked really nice, which I appreciate, but I explained to them that my whole appearance feels wrong to me. I told them that I feel like my body wasn’t really made for me, if that makes any sense. I’m not against having long hair but I think I want to try to make myself look as different as I can for now.

After doing lots of different help requests, I took a break and rested at the Pokemon centre. Pokemon centres are a good idea, anyone can go there to have their Pokemon friends given medical treatment or physical maintenance after battling. At that point Mud Splash wasn’t my only friend, I found Chrpy the black fletching. I used the pokedex so I know that the Talonflame bird that helped Tesla save people was once a fletching. I even learnt that the reason Chrpy is black is because it’s shiny! I also met Wake the Buizel who was being neglected by this other mean trainer who abandoned it. One of the help requests was from a travelling girl called Novae who gave me a Pichu when I defeated her. I named the Pichu Thunder Tail and it turns out she was another shiny! There’s Paddle the Psyduck and Captain the Nidoran. Nidoran was the third shiny that day, and I thought the pokedex said they were rare.

By evening time I walked past a house with loud music blaring out the window. Two people seemed to be arguing inside, until one of them was literally thrown through the roof! A girl my age with long purple hair, a black tank top and a short white skirt landed in the yard in front of the house right in front of me. I checked to see if she was okay, but she told me she was dying. I got really upset, all she did was play music too loud but now her own mother threw her out of the house and fatally wounded her! Of course, I learnt later that it was just a prank. The girl was taking advantage of my desperation to trick me into bringing her a free berry. Turns out she does this a lot and the berry salesperson was getting sick of her. This girl was called Veronica by her mother but says that she would rather be called Venam. Despite the fact that she gave me a fright, I actually quite like her. She introduced me to her two friends Melia and Ren who I had coincidentally met earlier before Venam. I think… I’m friends with them? We had an adventure in the sewers together and Venam was impressed by my battling skills so she challenged me to fight for her Gym badge. She’s a gym leader, I know the Aevium league has eighteen strong trainers called Gym leaders and Venam is the first. It was getting late so after our adventure in the sewers I told my three new friends that I was going to wait until tomorrow to challenge Venam.

I guess you could say that I had a good day? My first day in Aevium was scary and lonely, but also fun and welcoming. Everything started looking up once I got my first Pokemon, I was able to help lots of other people and make new friends. Pokemon are beautiful, awesome creatures. Lot’s of other trainers are nice too, but not all of them. This world uses the power of Pokemon to create a strong and comfortable society for humans to live in. This benefits Pokemon too, but not every human is grateful to Pokemon. The boy who had Wake before me said that Pokemon are only for fighting. I know he’s wrong, but it’s sad to think that there are normal people like him who think that way and it’s sad to think that there are scary people like Team Xen who use the power of Pokemon for evil. Overall I’m finding the world to be a place of mixed emotions and concepts, it’s not simply one thing or another. My Mom, before she was taken away, told me to find new love and happiness. She wants me to be happy, but that might not always be easy. I’ll do my best regardless.

Day 2

I’m overwhelmed, again. My best friend Melia died today. My second day in Aevium started off good. I had some nice breakfast in the pokemon centre and started to prepare for my gym battle against Venam. I went to the library for the first time because I wanted to see if I could find a book about how to beat gym leaders, instead I found Ren. Ren knew lots about pokemon attacks and he gave me some tips about how to counter Venam’s battle style. When I went to the gym it had a really unique atmosphere. It was dark inside but also well lit up with these flashing, colourful lights. I think it was meant to be a sort of disco club place, which is fun because I’d never been anywhere like that before. While I was exploring the gym I found a secret room that led to a junkyard. Venam explained that the junkyard is where she keeps all her scrapped gym ideas, one based on Seviper, another on Whirlipede and even this abandoned factory gym. Seeing that really helped me realise something important, nothing lasts forever. Change is inevitable and even if you really like something, such as a building, you’ll need to leave it behind or change it one day. After seeing all that, I battled Venam and won. Even though Venam was clearly super strong, I actually didn’t allow more than one of my pokemon to faint during the battle. Venam, Melia and Ren were all very impressed. That made me happy. I think the win was partly thanks to the training me and Ren did. Ren actually challenged me to a battle afterwards and I won that as well.

Melia had invited me to Goldenleaf Forest for a trip with her and I accepted. That was when I met Tesla again, she gave me a lifetime free pass for the train ride and checked in on how I was feeling. I was reminded again of how kind she is, after that me and Melia had a really fun time exploring the forest. We went through this cave and stumbled upon some ancient ruins. After we got through the ruins we found a place that wasn’t on the map and Melia named it the Silent Grove. I thought it was a nice name, but what was nicer was the picnic we shared. We sat down eating sandwiches, surrounded by these beautiful Vivillion with translucent wings. Melia told me they were known as ‘The Butterflies of Fate’ which is very dramatic for some bugs but I guess their rarity makes them deserving of it. During that picnic, I think I realised what Melia was to me, she was my best friend. I know that only knowing somebody for two days might not be long enough to really be able to call them a best friend, but that’s just how I felt. Being with her put me at ease, I was able to talk about all the really hard things that had been weighing on me. I told her about my Mom, about Team Xen and about how I generally felt lost. Melia was a good listener and she challenged me to a pokemon battle afterwards. My winning streak continued, despite the fact that Melia herself was preparing to become a gym leader like Venam. Yet no winning streak could save me from the awful loss I was about to experience. Team Xen attacked. A man named Zetta brought loads of Xen grunts to help him capture Melia. He even transformed lots of poor small Magikarp into a big monster to attack me, fighting the so called ‘Rift Gyarados’ took everything I had. I was barely able to push it back. After that me and Melia were able to escape the forest and get back to the city. I thought we were going to be safe but Melia’s adoptive father, Professor Jenner, had dealings with Team Xen this whole time. I don’t think it’s as simple as Jenner betraying Melia because he desperately asked me and Melia to help, but Melia was super angry at him. A red haired woman from Team Xen was there, I think her name was Madelis, she fought Melia to capture her. Melia did a really good job fighting back and managed to knock out her Houndoom but my own pokemon were too tired from fighting the Gyrados. The final time I ever saw Melia was when she tried to escape Madelis by getting her Togepi to use teleport. She asked me to grab onto her but I was too slow. What would have happened if I were faster? Would Melia still be alive? I’ll never know, me Ren and Venam all ran to Amethyst Cave because we believed we could save Melia if we caught up with her. We were too slow. Just like the woman with the Gothitelle said, Melia was dead before we stepped inside that cave.

As I write this I’m at Venam’s house, staying the night. It was nice of her mother to let me and Ren stay because I really didn’t want to be alone. I also didn’t want to talk, most of the time I don’t want to anyway, but especially not then. Convenient then that Neither Ren or Venam had anything to say. Is this how life will be for me? Mom, Melia… I formed a strong bond with both of them in a short time, yet soon after both of them were lost. I don’t want my whole life to be like this, I don’t want to keep gaining things that are precious to me only for them to be ripped away soon after. My Mom and Tesla would both say I need to hold onto hope, but how can I do that…?

Day 4

I’m still at Venam’s house. We say little and do little. That’s all.

Day 7

I’m done mourning. So are Ren and Venam. Ren encouraged me to continue with the gym challenge and I think he has the right idea. I need to get stronger, strong enough to save my Mom and stop Team Xen. I don’t know what the future holds for me, but that’s okay. I know that wherever I go I’ll do my very best to find hope and make a difference. I’ll start by doing some more help requests. It's fulfilling to help others so maybe when I help other people I’ll also help myself.

Day 14

After spending enough time off course I went through Amethyst Cave and befriended a strange girl named Nim. Apparently she’s known about me for a little while and wanted to be my friend. That sounds innocent enough, but she’s been watching from afar for the past couple of days and she was rather pushy about the whole becoming friends thing. I appreciate her lively spirit but she comes on very strong. She also claimed she was my ‘guardian angel’ which was probably a joke but it’s still very sweet of her to say something like that. Overall I find Nim to be a very pleasant individual but her eccentric behaviour might take some getting used to. Right after finishing things with her I arrived in Sheridan Village and met another girl called Aelita. She wants my help getting the gym leader to return to his senses and stop locking himself away. The way he hides himself away reminds me of how I was just after Melia died. Maybe this sensei is going through something similar to what I did? Either way I know that it’s important for me and Aelita to help him.

Day 15

We helped Keta open up to his people again and stop hiding himself away. But guess what? He died right after! Why do I keep watching people die?! Is this normal?! Better yet, I was forced to murder a pokemon today, just like how I had to murder the rift pokemon the day Melia died. Team Xen had set up this big underground lab because Keta had dealings with them. He sacrificed himself to stop a shadow Mewtwo from attacking me and Aelita, he said he was doing it to atone for his sins but honestly I wish he could’ve atoned by surviving instead. Honestly the idea of someone needing to die for a cause or hurt themselves for ‘atonement’ or whatever is sickening to me. Why does the world demand sacrifices from people? Why is there always such a devastating cost? After we escaped Team Xen, Crescent’s Gothitelle teleported me to another Xen base. I was terrified because I was suddenly surrounded by a bunch of strong enemies. I was worried that maybe that was going to be the end, but the Gothitelle teleported me back to Sheridan. I wasn’t able to catch the shadow Mewtwo because the Xen Admin Madelis activated a machine that broke my snag arm I got from Melia. Me and Aelita are going to Akuwa town to find an engineer called Saki Blakeory who might be able to fix it. At this point. I’m going to stop numbering my diary entries with the number of days I’ve been here because inexplicably I disappeared for a whole week. I honestly cannot tell you why I was gone for a week or what I was doing for that time, but according to Aelita that’s how long I had disappeared for. My life is insane, Aevium is insane and I just wish people would stop dying every time I start to understand them a little bit.

#noctor writes #oc asopo #pokemon rejuvenation #pokemon fan game #pokemon fanfiction

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jjtheclown555 · 1 year

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Mother Dearest Pt.3

Pt. 1 | Pt.2 | Pt.3

tw. strange and unusual punishments?? lmk if i missed anything but this is a light chapter

content. haitani brothers mother raises them after they are released from prison

pairings. none, just a mother raising her boys

word count. 1.6k words

a/n. ik its been like half a year but the bitch is back😭not my best work but still a fun read if say

As Rindou goes through excuse after excuse, I remember a certain place near where we promised to meet Izana, a place that might just convince her to let us go. I take a deep breath to focus myself enough to begin my acting. I’m so sorry, Rindou. “Look, mom, he wanted to get a waxing and so I told him the salon I go to has great reviews for it,” Rindou glares at me, like he wants to rip my arm out of my socket like he would with whoever we fight. I continue explaining, “He was embarrassed to tell you because he thought it was ‘girly,’ so he tried to find an excuse.” I feel a little guilty for embarrassing him but the sight of him fuming with rage, trying so hard not to show it is so amusing that not laughing takes every bit of willpower in me.

When mom bursts out laughing, I know we might be in the clear. When she laughs it either means it was so stupid it was believable or that we must be stupid to think she’d believe us. I pray for the former. I pray to whatever god exists that she doesn’t call my bluff. “Rin, baby, don’t assume I’d ever judge you for what you're interested in!” I finally breathe properly, exhaling the air I didn’t even realize was caught in my throat. Rindou seems to ease the humiliation he has felt, I’m almost upset I don’t get to see that pissed-off face anymore. Mom starts the car, pulling out of the driveway as I smile in victory.

She starts taking us to the salon, humming along to the music for a few moments before asking, “So, boys,” She pauses as she turns onto another road, “I’ve been looking to get my hair done recently, you wouldn’t mind if I came in with you, right?” I curse the world, god, the universe, or whatever higher power decided to make it so even with my plan, I still couldn’t get her. I think of a way to get out of this, to work around this mess. “So?”

I think fast, conjuring up any kind of way to be away from her. I fly through thousands of possibilities in a matter of seconds, promptly blurting out, “That’d be fine right, Rin?” He nods, screaming at the thought of actually having to get himself waxed. “Sounds good, I was planning on getting something done but my favourite stylist is all booked so I can just wait in the car until you two are done.” Rindou grimaces, a slight smile pulling through when mom looks at him. She looks excited, Rin less so and I smile when I’m confident that—at Rindou’s expense—I can actually go where I need to. He looks less than happy with me but I couldn’t care less. He should be grateful that at least one of us can meet with Izana.

She talks about what she’s getting done, she’s talking about highlights and maybe a haircut as I message Izana that I’m coming but Rindou can’t. He asks why and I insist on explaining when I get there. I wait in the car, talking to mom and Rindou. She does most of the talking. I love when mom rambles. She could make watching paint dry interesting, always telling stories and making jokes like it’s second nature to her. She stops the car in the parking lot, getting out with Rindou and telling me to wait until they’re done. So, I wait. I wait until I see them get settled. Once I see a stylist attend to mom and Rin look back at me like he’s going to break my neck when this is all over, I leave the car and walk to the bridge above the train tracks where they wanted to meet me.

I sneak under the bridge through the hole in the fence, marvelling at the graffiti covering it as I inhale what smells like a combination of smoke, dirt, and weed. I see Izana and Kakucho, I smile as they question why Rindou didn’t come. “Our mother,” I start, sitting next to one of the support beams, “I had to make up an excuse to leave but then she insisted on going in with Rindou so only I could come. I’ll let him know whatever you say here, though.” I smile, it’s insincere, but I know it makes me come off as a good follower and at this point, that attitude benefits me.

They go on about Izana’s plans. He intends on going after Toman, Mikey in particular. I pay attention, I don’t particularly like Toman so crushing them works for me. I don’t really care about their motives either, whatever reason Izana has to hate Mikey or why Kakucho is so loyal. I genuinely don’t care but this fight will benefit me, and as much as I admire their strength, I don’t know them enough to give a shit. Maybe that’ll change, but I don’t see that happening.

“If that’s all then I’ll go now,” I say, heading back up to the bridge as they follow behind. Once we get back up, we say our goodbyes, ready to part ways when I hear someone scream my name. Well, Fuck me. I see mom driving over, getting out of the car and running over as Rindou saunters behind, head down in shame. “The fuck is this, Ran?” She questions, Izana and Kakucho backing away as I try to speak. “You two, stay here. And I don’t want to hear any lip outta you, Ran, so unless it’s an explanation then zip it.” She’s firm, and we cooperate. I told them a bit about my mom while we were detained together so they know she won’t do shit unless they try something first. She smiles, taking a few deep breaths before saying, “Get in the car, I’ll take you boys home.” They look hesitant but I tell them to just listen and do it so they avoid trouble.

We all get in the car. Me trying to get the back seat when mom orders me next to her. It makes sense knowing her, I’m in the deepest shit here. I sit quietly but she hums to the song on the radio through gritted teeth. She asks where she’s taking Izana and Kakucho, driving in their direction first. I can already tell I’m in for a long lecture when we’re home. “So, how’d you know, mom?” She laughs, insisting it was obvious from the beginning and she was interested in humouring the lie. “But, how’d you get Rin to talk?” I can see her roll her eyes in the mirror, subtly reminding me of every little thing she’s gotten Rindou to fess up to.

“So, why did Ran leave the car?”

Rindou sits shocked as a younger lady lathers his leg up with hot wax. He starts thinking that Ran humiliating him and forcing him to go through this pain will be useless. He looks over at her and she smiles. He knows that smile. The smile that spreads across her face when she knows she’s won. He only has one shot, it has to be fast and it has to make sense. “He probably just went to the coffee shop across the street, or ran away ‘cause he knows I’ll kill him for telling you.” Mom chuckles as Rindou prays she doesn’t call his bluff. She keeps looking out the window, watching Ran walk right past the coffee shop and over to the highway.

Rindou takes a deep breath, bracing for impact. He can feel the wax strips placed along his legs. He’s on the verge of fessing up when mom says, “Rip as hard as you can, hun, he’ll be all good.” He tries to muffle his scream before Rindou blurts out, “He went to meet with some people about an upcoming fight, now can we get this over with-” Mom nods, letting poor Rindou get through it as fast as possible, stopping part way through and waiting for moms highlights to be done.

“I didn’t wanna tell her but she tortured me,’ Rindou said, staring out the window. Mom grins from ear to ear, dropping off Izana and Kakucho at some apartment building. I’m confident it’s not where they’re staying but honestly, it’s better for them that our mother doesn’t know where they live. They get out of the car, muttering thank you’s for bringing them home.

Mom stops them before they can close the door. She gives them a look, one that means she’s upset but still cares. Her brows furrow, a half-hearted smile creeps on her face as a sigh escapes her lips. “I know I’m not your momma, but you boys try to stay outta trouble, alright?” They both nod, closing the car door and walking off. She starts the car, driving Rindou and I home. The moment she starts moving, her smile drops and she makes a quick turn to look at each of us. “You boys are in so much trouble when you get home.” Here we go, again.

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mlobsters · 4 months

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supernatural s13e11 breakdown (w. davy perez)

kind of a trope at this point but the mismatch violence/action plus old time music that's happy or loveydovey, it's a good one. it's funny how the sort of watery reverb of an old song like this, maybe i associate with a particular atmosphere because of the trope, or someone out there just really hit on the right vibe but it can just inherently make something that bit spookier. and nodding to myself that indeed it's a christopher lennertz episode - look in my eyes by the chantels is a great pick. add to the list of things i'm gonna check on rewatch when they used licensed music i was meh about too :p least interesting topic of commentary ever.

the expanse (2015-2022) dominique tipper as naomi nagata / spn s13e11

truck stop woman who seems like she might have a part later's haircut is like naomi's in the expanse and i'm here for it

what's going on with sam not sleeping/wanting to get out of bed? i mean relatable, but get a book maybe. stressing over the nexus being closed and jack is over in spiky world with mom? trying to remember again what cas is doing and why they're not worried/talking about him.

ok see, this is what i'm talking about. some more modern sounding score that isn't melodic is really adds to the mood. it's a little bit true detective there, until the boys show up and it gets more melodic. i'm telling you this show could have had such a richer vibe with better music 😩

oh modern chevy impala, how far you've fallen. don't know exactly what model year that is, but early to mid 2000s. those circular tailights 😬 memorable, i guess

dry cleaning bags, hanging up jackets, what's next on the domestic logistics bingo card. also padalecki looks like he's gonna flex right through that shirt

SAM Do you really wanna get on the FBI’s radar again?

please don't. solid point

DEAN Okay, so what do you wanna do? Hmm? You wanna call up Donna and say “Hey, sorry about your niece. These kinds of things happen. Later.” And head back to the bunker so you can mope some more? SAM I’m not moping. DEAN You got up at 10:00 am this morning. 10:00 am. You, Mr. Rise and Freakin’ Shine. And then you turned down pancakes.

*takes notes* sam usually wouldn't turn down pancakes. ok ✅

SAM I wasn’t hungry. DEAN They’re pancakes. Look, I know you’re in a dark place right now, okay? I mean, we lost Jack. Mom is… I think about ‘em too. All the time. But you can’t let it eat you up. Now look, when I was—when I was broken up, you were there for me. Well, I’m here for you now. And I’m telling you, the only way out of this is through. Now when everything goes to hell, what do we do? We put our heads down and we do the work. We’ll find Jack. We’ll save Mom, we will. But right now, Donna needs our help. Okay?

listen, man. you know i'm here for this kind of conversation but like sam being mopey kind of came out of nowhere and feels just. well dean had a moment, so now sam's gonna have a moment. hokay

think he packed that vest? anticipated the need to be truckery?

creepy preacher guy kind of slots into the vaguely true detective serial killer vibe as well

i feel like i've seen this before lol. trying to pull up my mental bank of cannibal media. maybe thinking of the movie fresh combined with some law and order type show

um. turning doug into a vampire. sure.

CLEGG/THE BUTTERFLY And you’re Sam Winchester. You and your brother are famous. Hell, soon as I saw that fancy car, I knew who you were. And I knew you’d be trouble. Tried to give you that preacher, but you saw right through that. So now it’s on to Plan B.

i mean, seriously. that damned car is such a liability, it's dumb

SAM Why are you doing this? CLEGG/THE BUTTERFLY Well, ‘cause somebody has to. How many monsters do you think are out there, Sam? You know, if you – you had to guess. SAM Hundreds. Thousands. CLEGG/THE BUTTERFLY Add a zero. Actually, add two. See, those freaks that you and your brother chase, those are just the ones that can’t pass. Either because they’re too mean or they’re too stupid, or both. But most monsters… hell, they could be your next-door neighbor. They work a regular job, mow the lawns on a Saturday. And they need to eat, which is where I come in.

all righty. monster population that can subsist on human parts that have been detached from their human a while ago. and you know, gotta do some fun torture show on the side to sell the product -_-

can't argue with one of them coming to save the other from certain death

can kind of argue with donna getting dumped by doug over hunting. like, very reasonable reaction by a normal human on doug's part but also feels like they arbitrarily had their relationship set up so it could get smashed

SAM Let him go. Donna, when you choose this life, anyone who gets too close, eventually they get hurt. Or worse. So let him go. He’ll be safer that way.

okay, sam. sounds like the little speech dean gave in 13x03 to patience

DEAN I mean, we save people, Sam. SAM Yeah, we also get people killed, Dean. Kaia, for instance. She helped us and she died for it. DEAN Hey, look, I know you’re in some sort of a— SAM No, no, no, no, no, no, no, don’t – don’t… You keep saying I’m in a dark place, but I’m not, Dean. Everything I’m saying is the truth. It’s our lives. And I tried to pretend it didn’t have to be. I tried to pretend we could have Mom back and Cas and – and help Jack. But we can’t. This ends one way for us, Dean. It ends bloody. It ends bad.

bloody or sad, amirite. i have a tag for that

so like again relating to sam because sometimes when i'm being negative i do feel like i'm just being realistic. and he is, but usually he does have a well of optimism. hadn't i complained recently about feeling like sam's always being the reasonable and calm one? (not that i can find it) kind of feels like they needed to kick that out from under him. could have felt a little more organic with just... any amount of buildup beforehand.

#supernatural #spnwatch #spn 13x11 #spn bloody or sad #davy perez #spn clip #spn musical score #christopher lennertz

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mrs-kelly · 1 year

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When I started 2022 things were not in a good place for me. They were looking up a bit, sure, but in the moment? I was in the dregs. I was struggling hard. Battling with obsessive thoughts and low self worth and feeling like nobody really saw me. You know? I feel like those are all things a lot of people deal with. But I still felt alone in them.

My goal for the year was to find a way to just feel normal. If I couldn’t move forward, I would stop taking steps backward. I wanted to find some way to just feel okay with myself. And maybe someday, I could actually start to love myself.

I’ve been so lucky this year to find coping strategies and mechanisms to help me reach that goal. And I’ve been even luckier to find interests and hobbies that have actually helped me surpass it. I never thought I’d reach a point where I liked myself this much. Especially within the year.

But while so much of my growth happened slowly over the first 10 months of the year, Charlie is the one who really pushed me into actually liking myself. I got myself to neutrality, and then he came around and shoved me into self acceptance. At any cost. To the pain.

I can’t even say what about him made it happen, but being with Charlie immediately made me value the things that make me special, and the things that make me happy. Being with him made me realize that I don’t deserve to just be tolerated, I deserve to be celebrated. I deserve to be treated with as much excitement and wonder by people in my life as I treat others. And I deserve to give myself the things that will make me happy and successful.

Since Charlie and I got together, I’ve been on a freight train of recovery and growth. He made me feel like I have what it takes to go to school. He made me feel confident enough to get my haircut and dress the way I want. He made me feel like it’s okay to speak my mind. Which is a huge one for me. And all of it has made me so much happier!

I feel like a person again. Like an actual person who has an active role in my own life. I feel like I have so much to look forward to, so many things I want to see and do. And it’s all because of Charlie and the way he loves me. There’s something about him that just makes me believe that he will always accept and love me. And even when I doubt that, there’s some part of me that knows he is always going to be here. With me.

And that’s changed my life. Charlie has really changed my life for the better. In such a short time, he’s made me feel like myself, for the first time since I can remember. Like I don’t have to hide anymore. Like I can be myself, and love myself, and anyone who doesn’t like it can shove off. And that’s huge for me.

So, with this thousandth post in Charlie’s tag, I’m looking forward to 2023 and everything else I can accomplish with Charlie by my side ❤️ I know there’s only better and better to come ❤️

#CRIES AND CRIES HES DONE SO MUCH FOR ME OK ❤️#I’m so excited to finish off the year with him…#the end of 2022 and the beginning of the rest of our lives together 🥰#ren speaks #renlie #im gushing out here folks #new years’ cw #idk if some people don’t rly like the new years retrospective thing? I’ll just tag it jic

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itsavgbltpta · 9 months

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Should You Watch Mashle?

(Full English title: Mashle: Magic and Muscles)

(Japanese title: Mashle)

A Brief Summary

In a world where magic is used for everything, not having magic is a death sentence - and it’s easy to tell if someone is magic-less as all magic users have a mark on their face. But one little baby without magic got a lucky break and was raised in the woods, hidden from the world. With not much to do in said woods, this baby grew up with a lot of physical training. Like… a lot. So much, that when the magic users do eventually find him, he can deflect their spells with his sheer physical might alone.

So now Mash, with no magic ability, needs to go undercover in an elite magical academy to rise up in the ranks and become someone with enough power to change the way the world full of magic thinks of those without it.

So, should you watch the anime?

Yes, as long as you enjoy typical Shounen Jump style stories.

Take one part Harry Potter, one part One Punch Man, and add in Mob’s haircut (from Mob Psycho 100). Boom, you have Mashle. This show isn’t changing the world or anything, but it’s an amusing way to pass the time.

While a lot of basic bits seem to be literally ripped out of Harry Potter (including a game almost identical to Quidditch), the smaller details are definitely original - which is good, because otherwise I’m sure JK Rowling would sue, lol.

Most of the spells the students have in their repertoire are battle-focused, with certain students having essentially bloodline techniques. While Mash doesn’t have any actual magic, his “spells” generally refer to whatever muscles he’s using to conquer the challenge.

The school has regular courses (potion making and the like), but the meat of the show is the battles Mash and friends find themselves in. And, while it feels very typical shounen, it’s fun to watch the weird magic techniques and how our heroes can figure out ways to overpower someone that would normally seem to be the obvious winner.

The goal of most of these battles is for coins. To be considered the best, someone needs a certain amount of gold coins by the end of the school year. There are ways to earn coins via academic measures, but that’s not the way the students end up earning most of their coins in this show. That main method is betting between themselves and fighting it out. And Mashle packs in a lot of fights for being only 12 episodes long. In fact, it’s mostly fights. This isn’t a bad thing, but if you’re looking for deep and impactful character development, look elsewhere. If you’re looking for fun action, you’ll be happy.

Despite being packed full of action, Mashle has a more comedic spin than a lot of modern shounen, and I found myself chuckling at the antics in more than a few episodes. How Mash finds ways to get around having no magic are usually the best bits. I don’t want to spoil much here, but my favorite is probably how he is able to “fly” on a broom.

The character designs are pretty simple, but in a way I like. They’re easy to identify, which is handy when the opening intro song starts flashing over a dozen characters at you. The fights look good too, with smooth animation. No complaints on the visual side from me, except for the boring robes everyone wears.

By the way, the ending song is a bop, and I watched it every episode - Shu Cream Funky Love forever! Entertaining endings are rare in anime, so I’m always happy to watch one.

There’s an eclectic batch of students at (or involved with) the academy, including:

Best dad/grandpa who is willing to live out in the woods and deal with a kid that opens doors by ripping them off the hinges because he can’t remember to push or pull (Regro).

The “I don’t want to be here today” roommate who has fairly average magic skills and is too much of a doormat to say no when asked to do something (Finn).

The token female of the group who is obsessed with dating/marrying Mash because he saved her (Lemon).

**I’m hoping Lemon gets some good fights/character growth later in the series, because honestly there aren’t any cool female characters in this first season, which is a shame.**

A secretive and powerful student who likes to think himself a lone wolf even though he is always helping his friends out… and who has a major sister complex (Lance).

A hotheaded delinquent type who’s all about trying to look cool for the ladies, but fails miserably because he’s trying too hard (Dot).

And a villainous puppet master willing to do anything to make sure only people he deems worthy are allowed to thrive (Abel).

Plus more eccentric students who want to show off their cool magic techniques (usually in battle)! There are some villain-of-the-week students, but also some that show up later in the season that look like they’ll play a bigger role in things.

Where does it rate on my personal scale?

S: I will buy it at full price (unless it’s released by Aniplex USA, because fuck their pricing).

A: I will buy it on sale sometime down the line.

->B: I had fun watching it, but don’t need to own it.

C: It’s not my cup of tea, but wasn’t awful.

D: Dropped it.

X: Finished it out of spite, but did not enjoy it.

Mashle ranks at a high B. After so many shounen shows have been going darker (like Jujutsu Kaisen, Demon Slayer, and Chainsaw Man - if you count that as shounen), Mashle is refreshing and fun. I will tune in for season two, but I’m not really excited enough to buy it or check out the manga.

#anime #anime review #should you watch the anime #itsavgbltpta #mashle

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legit9thlunaticwarrior · 9 months

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i wanted to talk a little bit about mental health and how i’m doing recently

trigger warning: depression, anxiety, panic attacks, borderline imposter syndrome, disordered eating/thoughts

for a while now, i’ve been pretty low with a few days here and there where i’m genuinely happy. may and june were so rough in every way and august is seeming to turn the same direction.

i also have lost a lot of my passion for cosmetology. i hate this school and it’s slowly making me hate what once was comforting to me. my director legit doesn’t care, there so much unnecessary fucking drama, and i’m not having fun anymore. i never get to show my skills. i’m like a robot: haircut, root touch up, wash and blow, deep conditioning treatment, haircut, root touch up, wash and blow, deep conditioning treatment. same thing, over and over and over again. i’m good at what i do but i hate doing it now. it’s not just me, all of my friends are sick of it too. the only time we get to have fun is when we (rarely) get to work on each other.

i’ve been having a lot of silent panic and anxiety attacks lately and i can’t find the trigger.

my weight has been getting brought up a lot since i returned to normal life after being sick for a month. the weight i lost was not lost in a healthy way. i had become terrified of food and was rarely eating. when i was eating, it was bland foods. my weight and body image have been an issue of mine for almost 10 years. and that’s absurd and upsetting considering i’m turning 20. i don’t like being scared of food and restricting myself so much that i’m not enjoying anything anymore. i want to be able to go to shake shack with my lunch bunch and not worry about repercussions; i refuse to do that to myself again.

acting like i’m okay and forgetting things as a coping mechanism works until you’re crying uncontrollably at 2am and you can’t figure out what’s wrong. you’re just crying because you feel so full and heavy of emotions that you can’t verbalize to anyone without breaking down and fucking up your words. i know that when i’m stressed or anxious, something will hurt physically. my teeth and head have been hurting constantly for almost a week.

it’s like i’ll have the greatest high, the best fucking day ever; but then it comes crashing down so fast you can’t even recognize it’s happening, until you’re left in the rubble of it all.

that’s all i want to say for now. i just want to say thank you to all of you that follow me and show me support and love and kindness. i feel i don’t express that enough. i truly appreciate all of you dolls

#donna vents

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jojolovenotes · 1 year

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I had a really bad nightmare about my cosmetology school, which is one of few safe spaces for me, so have some wholesome thoughts as I redirect that bad energy :3

Sometimes I like to imagine I go to the local cosmetology school in Naples, and I’m out on the salon floor. Bruno is a huge supporter of his community, and always gets his hair cut at the cosmetology school. I’m new on the salon floor, and Bruno’s last student who regularly cut his hair just graduated, so I’m assigned to take him as my client. I’ve been having a rough time lately, but I’m always excited to take new clients because it’s an opportunity to grow as a stylist. I introduce myself and take him to my station, and I begin the consultation (because it’s always important to have a consultation with new clients).

Throughout the service, Bruno and I chat about various things to get to know each other. He asks me about my time as a cosmetology student, what sparked my passion for it, things like that. He finds it incredibly endearing that my goal as a hairstylist is to help everyone feel as beautiful outside as they are inside, and feels a pang of empathy when I explain it’s because I spent a good portion of my life not feeling like I was beautiful. He wants to support my dream to become a hairstylist, and is inspired by my passion for my future career. At the end of the service, he tips me a generous sum, and I feel incredibly supported and and loved. One thing I’ve realized is that I tend to seek out mentor figures in my life, and I feel like Bruno would be really supportive and just kinda like a mentor of sorts.

He continues to come to me for haircuts, and celebrates with me when I say I’m close to graduating!! I imagine he’d even show up to my graduation! Perhaps he even convinces his partners, Leone and Lavanda, to get some kind of service done while I’m still there too. He would just be so supportive and kind and just, uwaaa it makes me happy, and it helps me remember that my passion for cosmetology is fulfilling and worth the effort <3

I’m sorry to hear you had a bad nightmare, but it’s good you’ve tried to come up with some positive thoughts rather than focus on the bad ones. You know Bruno would definitely do all he can to keep on encouraging you and help you get your practice in and everything. He’s always going to reassure you how proud he is of you and to push you to keep on going!

#received transmission ✨#gushing✨#ships: Bruno #zetavendetta

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looming-toons · 1 year

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The weird substance a bfdi/bfb g/t story p2

Match sits in the remnants of a burning gelatin steakhouse and ponders about her life choices she regrets everything she’s done whether it was demoting bubble judging others for their differences Forcing other people to do things for her being rude and being right by pencil side while people were getting electrocuted And now her Best friend and girlfriend left her to be fair she didn’t think pencil knew it was her but it didn’t Change the fact that she just abandoned her on their date now she had nobody maybe she deserved it she stares down at the trees that she towered over now picking one up and staring at it

Match: you’ll be my best friend right and you’ll like never leave me (hugs the tree but then it gets destroyed) or not i guess matcheesy monster strikes again sigh I guess I could be like famous in monster movies but I would much rather be an actress then again who would want to approach me with camera I’m a freak not even spongy was this heavy Huh?! is this what like Karma feels like because I don’t like like it one bit! I also hate talking to myself! (Kicks another tree and she feels something on her feet) huh? What was that? (looks down)

Flower: dang it Ruby I told you we should’ve not hidden in the tree

Ruby: well before we die I wanted to Finish my steak because I didn’t get to eat it in the Steakhouse

Flower: well now we’re going to become monster chow And when we recover we have to find new hiding spot! you happy hun sorry I get mad when I’m scared! (they see the beast hand reaching towards them) Wait no please don’t she’s a rock she won’t taste good And i might be edible but Hehe just make it quick

Match: ew what like no i’m only hungry because I didn’t finish my dinner at the steakhouse but whatever just run away like everyone else.

Ruby: wait match?! Holy hey girl what happened to you! did you get a haircut! Wait no did you dye it?

Match: hah i wish

Flower: ruby! Match is huge!

Match: gasp rude!

Ruby: flower don’t say that she’s sensitive about that ever since Pencil said she was gaining weight!

Flower: Oh sorry I didn’t know but then again who are you to point the finger Always making fun of spongys And even bubbles Weight! kind of funny karma if I say so myself after seeing what happened to bubble

Match went from angry too guilty in a matter of seconds and tears started to fall from her face some splattering on Ruby and flower completely Soaking them

Match: I get it OK I was toxic I don’t want to be toxic anymore! Why else do you think I’ve been avoiding bubble I just want things go back to normal!

Ruby: flower now look what you’ve done! I get it match has been a jerk Lately but now is not the time (hugs matchs finger) even after she gave your fashion line good reviews!

Flower: wait that was you?! But I thought you hated me after all I tried making friends with you but you said we were enemies

Match: I don’t know I think you have a nice sense in fashion Plus I’m appreciate how close you and Ruby are I’ll admit the alliance hasn’t been very healthy lately due to me and pence pence so I appreciate that you’re there for her

Flower: well if it wasn’t for her I wouldn’t be alive hehe (elbows ruby which causes her to blush)

Match: sigh I guess I should let you go i’m just kinda lonely because I don’t know what to do right now I don’t know how to turn back to normal or anything

Ruby: well then will find away I tell you what! I’ll find you a cure what are friends for!

Flower: well if Ruby‘s going to do it I guess I should too besides I really appreciate the reviews if you want after all this is over i’ll give you a coupon for my store

Match: ok deal!

Flower: One more thing we don’t have be friends but we don’t have to be enemies either

Match: do you know what sure let’s start over

(And so the three of them were thinking about plans for the next while to get match back to normal)

#match bfdi #flower bfdi #ruby bfdi #giant tiny #sfw g/t #floweruby

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ciaossu-imagines · 2 months

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hello, this is nix! i’ve read the self-shipping headcanons you did for me and shoichi, and all i could say is wow. i’m in awe. it’s amazing that you got most, if not all, spot-on! i enjoyed reading them and thought to myself, “this makes so much sense.” they’re long and specific, so it must’ve taken you time to write all of that 🥺 don’t worry about having repeated some things because it’s still worth the read. i know you put a great deal of effort into interpreting the descriptions i gave and writing those headcanons, and i really appreciate it. i had never put much thought into self-shipping with a fictional character before, that is until you matched me with sho-chan (and don’t worry, i can share him with you! haha).

i would also like to express my gratitude for the two personalization prompts you’ve done for me. honestly, i never expected that because i simply loved your works without anticipating anything in return. so, for you to do reader appreciation gestures warms my heart. your dedication to giving back to your readers is amazing. 💝

one thing, though—i was laughing when you mentioned my pfp because i’m not even a feline enthusiast, and i’m allergic to them. it’s just that i find the icon picture itself cute and funny, so it was hilarious that it’s how you had pictured me when you thought of me, haha. oh, and the sawako face claim works out as well because i do have jet black hair, except that i don’t have any bangs, and i prefer a short haircut (i only had to grow my hair out because my health degree program requires us to wear a chignon most of the time. ugh!)

for the personalization prompt #1, no need to worry because i’m familiar with servamp from watching the anime. however, i have yet to read the manga, so there are characters i still don’t know about. even if i’m not deeply invested in the series (because i’m more focused on other fandoms), i still enjoyed it and the personalized prompt you made as well. 💗🎀

Hey Nix! It’s so lovely to see you back in the inbox 😊 I’m so glad you enjoyed the self-ship headcanons. I honestly had a lot of fun writing them up – I’m a sucker for those kind of things honestly, so I’m glad that most of them hit the mark! It did take a fair amount of time, but it’s time well spent to me! I enjoy it and I like being able to do special little things like that for lovely readers like you. I wasn’t kidding – your support, all your likes and asks sent in mean a ton to me, as I am one of those bad writers who really do get a lot of their motivation from interaction with readers and feedback/knowing people are reading! I’m glad that the repetition I did notice didn’t bother you too much. It’s really such a compliment to learn that my little match-up made you consider self-shipping! It really is just a fun and sometimes therapeutic thing, but that’s coming from someone with so many self-ships hahaha! And thanks for the sharing – sharing is caring, after all lol!

Aww, thank you so much for saying that 😊 I know it wasn’t expected from any of the people I did it for, they were all meant to be little surprises for those who keep me happy and motivated to write! I really do appreciate all my gorgeous constant readers and do believe that every single one of you is an amazing person behind those screens and when I sit down at my altar at night for meditation, I send blessings out in the universe for each and every one of you <3 Hopefully that’s hitting its mark in at least some cases!

Okay, but I am laughing over here at the irony! It sucks you’re allergic to cats and I can see why you wouldn’t like them if they make you all sneezy and gross feeling but yeah, the icon picture is adorable! It just did not work out well for actually inserting you into a universe, something I do with any of the readers I start to recognize by name or favourite characters (it fleshes out the world’s just that much more when I write my little cheesy stuff for myself or imagine myself/my OC’s in the various ‘verses!) That’s so weird that your health degree program specifies a certain hairstyle and that’s really gender-biased, as I’m assuming they don’t make men have chignons! I hope you’ll get to have your hair back to how you prefer it when you finish your degree (with great success, as I know you will!). I really lucked out in that, even when I was doing my clinical work for my degree in the health field, it was only the standard – long hair pulled back and I had to get rid of my funky colored hair and have it only natural colors while in the program. Thankfully my current workplace is fine with whatever I want to do with my hair, as long as I don’t shed into the pill bottles. And I’m glad you were at least familiar with the universe, even if it’s not one you’re deeply invested in! I just honestly could see you in that universe so well, plus another couple universes but the fandoms for those are so, so small that I assume nobody knows them haha!

Anyway, thank you so, so much for sending this in to the ask box. I popped on tonight to really catch up on everything new that has come in and to add a bunch to my queue and this made me smile a lot and made my heart happy, so really appreciate it and you 😊

#admin chatter

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valerie · 8 months

Text

TWITL - week 35 - Long Weekend

Finally, it's September! After very warm summer days, the temperatures cooled down on Friday, giving us a touch of autumn weather. I could have worn a flannel shirt but I didn't. I feel like I missed my chance because according to the forecast, we're going to have warmer days (high 80s/low 90s) for a bit longer. Saturday was cool enough for me to wear a sweatshirt when I went out, so that was nice. https://flic.kr/p/2oZpU3V August is the longest month of the work year for me. We don't have any holidays or breaks the whole month and it always seems even longer with the hot weather and adjustment to the new school year. I did take a day off (for the Sam Hunt concert) so it wasn't all work every weekday of August for me. Whew! Still, I am so relieved that it's now September and the cooler weather on the first day of the month was such a tease but I'll take it. https://flic.kr/p/2oZAm41 before and after - new hair I went to the salon on Saturday for a haircut and eyebrow wax. Vanessa, my usual stylist, always does such a great job and I always enjoy seeing her. She gets my hair, which is probably why I've been seeing her for the longest time. A decade at least? Time flies! And I finally got to wear my latest Sam Hunt sweatshirt. Fits nicely and I like it! I remember thinking that I wish it was a darker color when I bought it but now I realize that I have so many black hoodies/sweatshirts that having different colors is a good thing. https://flic.kr/p/2oZskWj Happy Meal! I remember when Happy Meals were like $2.15 or so. They're more than double that now! And instead of small fries, you get baby fries and apple slices to go along with the hamburger and toy. Hits the spot though, if you're going for a snack-like "meal." https://flic.kr/p/2oZqagm that's my stapler So here's some personal commentary about social media... I have a HARD time unfollowing people on social media, especially people I know in real life (family/friends). If I don't want to see their stuff, I'll just mute them or restrict them. If I don't want them to see my stuff, too bad for me. My profiles are public and I think it's rude to block people I know in real life unless we've had a serious falling out. And as far as I know, I haven't had a serious falling out with anyone in the last ten years or so and certainly not with anyone I have a chance to see in my daily life. So imagine my surprise to find out that someone I know in real life has blocked me from their social media (FB/IG). The very curious thing about this is that I KNOW that I have done NOTHING to this person to warrant such a move. Maybe they thought that I wouldn't notice. Maybe they thought I'd think it was a "mistake." Maybe it has nothing to do with me but even if it doesn't, my "guilt by association" makes no sense because that person didn't do anything either! Whatever the reason, I'm irritated and a bit offended. I won't confront this person. It isn't worth it to stir up drama. They have their reason for doing what they did and maybe that reason will make its way to me. I know it wasn't anything I posted on my account or commented on theirs. It's truly a mystery if one assumes we're all adults in polite standing. But maybe we're not in polite standing. I just don't know. But I'll get over it. https://flic.kr/p/2oZq9UQ MUSIC I'm finding myself wanting to listen to something new, something different. Apparently this means OPM (Original Pilipino Music). I'm gravitating towards the pop and R&B songs, which are almost all in Filipino though I have chosen a couple of English language songs. I'm slowly buying the songs that catch my ear from Apple Music OPM playlist. I've bought multiple songs from Zack Tabudlo and Arthur Nery. Just today I bought two songs from Al James. I seem to have a harder time finding female artists that I like but I'll keep listening. TV Ahsoka - This show is good but it feels so tailored to the fans of Clone Wars and Rebels. And I only know that because I watch re-cap shows like ScreenCrush and HeavySpoilers. Now I understand why someone might be annoyed with the MCU with all the different threads that are connected but I would argue that you don't necessarily need to see the other Marvel movies to understand the Guardians of the Galaxy movies (though it helps to have seen Infinity Wars and Endgame before the last GoTG movie). The problem I have with Ahsoka (and once again, I have enjoyed it so far) is that I am not curious enough to know more about the characters to watch two whole animated series about them. The show itself should show me what I need to know and for the most part, I suppose it does. I just know I'm not enjoying it as much as a diehard Rebels fan... https://flic.kr/p/aJ7q38 long ago roses Just realized the date (4 of September) and I was taken back to eighteen years ago and our trip to the east coast. We started off in Georgia then headed up to Maryland. On this day eighteen years ago, we were specifically in the Atlanta area and we were all dressed up. Good times, good times... https://flic.kr/p/2oZSqAV Read the full article

#tv

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delirious-robot · 1 year

Photo

Oh, just this... thanks a lot Facebook... on this day... something about this time of year and haircuts...

Not much has changed, since this facebook post 4 years ago this day… May 7 2019... I guess that I will just always miss him.

Except the color of my hair. (And I'm still getting haircuts as a “band-aid” to things...) Maybe I’ll go back to blonde one day.

But I am glad that the “on again off again” has stopped, REALLY GLAD - with it’s roller coaster of emotions going from complete bliss, connection, affinity and joy - to feeling that unbearable pain of like I’m on death’s doorstep overwhelmed by intense sorrow… teasing me and then loving me and toying with my heart, then discarding me - over and over and over like a recurring looping "whimsy for keeping it" and then failure… the recurring heartbreak after "it's off again because no solution"... fuck! just to rip my heart in shreds after long periods of sweetness and healthy communication and “no problems”, like it is “normally” when things are calm… ehhhhhhh. but then total confusion and pain on my side. then at last, in the end, be dating and looking for other people in the background (maybe more!), developing other relationships with women, as a means to “quickly move on from me and replace me” without telling me and still talking and flirting with me in the background from time to time, teasing of “still looking for a solution and maybe I’ll come see you” at the same time… my heart has had enough torture through the years. It’s either a complete full-on yes or nothing, all in or not at all with me, stay committed even on the days when you don’t feel like it (because there will be those days!), no yo-yo hot cold and no “dating” apps or testing the waters with other women at the same time… Thank goodness, there is no more “Tease me and then love me then discard and leave me, over and over and over”…. ugh. Do you know what that does to someone? Such a horrible, sad thing. On top of it all. And I was willing to and tried to keep the peace, leave it peaceful, but will not tolerate lying and basically cheating in the background without telling me what is going on and FULLY ending it with me first - and then later blaming me for it or calling me crazy - but giving me the idea we still had a chance while also giving other women the idea they have a chance too, while keeping me as a secret or a backup - downgrading and devaluing me in the process. I will not put up with that crap.

Now… it's just a dull heart ache… a sort of melancholy nostalgia, a sadness that sweeps over me from time to time… but I try not to think about it, focus on myself and my life, but sometimes can’t avoid it… and every so often, I choose to remember the sweet, loving moments we had between us, our laughter, our happiness, our fun adventures, his smile, the way he'd look at me, our travels, and times just being close in the same space… which now fills me with some sort of weird mixture of joy and admiration and appreciation but also regret and sorrow and loss of trust and respect and just loss of something wonderful once shared between the two of us, an irreplaceable beautiful bonding connection. Unfortunately, we can never turn back time and undo what’s been done - but we can, always, reset. Just not rewind and undo.

Meh. I’m trying to reset myself. In progress! Onward… and at least, I think I am making progress…

Ooops. Kinda spilled my guts again, didn’t I? I am sure he does not have any flying monkeys here, and we have not spoken at all in many weeks and I don’t plan on reaching out to him at all, ever again. A lot would have to be repaired on his end before I ever considered even wanting to. I am also blocked in multiple places and I have blocked him places too and he does not want me to speak to him ever again. I highly doubt he’ll ever speak to me again, either. I can't say that I really care about that... I don't believe he'd ever even make an effort - it's easier for him to just find someone else and forget it all.

So strange now - that we will just live on through life as strangers, ships passing by in the night without ever a word or recognition ever again… all my personal secrets I’ve shared with him and personal intimacies shared die along with it - but life goes on, doesn’t it, even though he took the dearest thing away from me… not sure I'll get that part of me back ever again... and somewhere, frozen in moments in time, there we are - laughing, smiling, touching, walking, living in the moment together - moments that will live forever now in the recess of our minds, pushed away covered up buried and forgotten about until perhaps somewhere in the far away distant future. I hope that he smiles and is happy.

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random-thoughts-hq · 1 year

Text

I’ve been questioning my gender in a space safe enough to do something about it and it’s insane

Transitioning was never an option before and suddenly I have a traditionally male haircut and getting called she hurts when it didn’t a week ago. I feel like most people still see me as a girl and I don’t know how to change an initial perception like that but I don’t know. I can finally be one of the guys and navigating the world is so much weirder bc suddenly I don’t know what I am perceived as.

Suddenly I’m experiencing dysphoria with feminine earrings and euphoria at looking like a guy and it’s so sudden and new

I wish I could know whether it’s just another facet of shock of moving out but I remind myself that cis people don’t do this

Cis people don’t go in the bathroom trying to hide their hair under a beanie just to see

Cis people don’t try to find an excuse to cross dress for Halloween

Cis people don’t hyperfixate on guys which similar features because it feels like finding a doppelgänger and what could’ve been

Cis people don’t joke about repressing a gender crisis because they know it’s not an option but don’t want to commit to being a woman forever

But I was happy presenting as female and really fucking good at it

I can’t tell if I just got really good at faking from a young age

I think i did actually

I think back to kindergarten, and reading a story about not being able to fake things forever because eventually it’ll eat away at you

And even then I felt like something was off about me because I could tell I wasn’t my full self

I was special can beautiful as a child and now I’m a guy

So much loss but so much more opens up and I can’t tell where I am

But why didn’t I have more friends who were guys growing up. Nevermind scratch that. I did but I remember when I got to a point where I couldn’t because I knew I’d never be one of them. The only way to be close to boys was to date and I didn’t want that I wanted friendships. I have a beautiful friend group from high school and my bf and I found each other although closeted as hell. But even so I do have amazing other friends who are genderqueer as well. I do regret how I was limited in my friendships bc of my gender expression I feel like I missed out on the depth of what those could have been.

It’s wild looking back and realize how I became hyper fem bc it hurt too much to be a tomboy, too close to pretending to be a boy without being the real thing. I had traditionally feminine interests and found comfort in that, but it never felt right. No wonder I dissociated so much while I danced. No wonder I hated the idea of all women schools and colleges. No wonder I enjoyed using male gendered terms for myself under the guise of gender neutral. No wonder I enjoyed copying male mannerisms and being dominant in a room and questioning gender roles.

And now everything makes sense. I can dance and feel at home in my body. I can take pictures that aren’t perfectly posed or just right in candidness and it finally looks like me.

#trans thoughts

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thegraveyardjohnsongrey · 1 year

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May 2021

May: Convos of the Day

“You gotta be your own Scooter Braun”

This month I learned that I need to be my own manager. Not only do I need to be the dreamer and the planner, but I also have to be the person who gets things done - for me. I need to put myself into advantageous places, and sometimes that means sticking my neck out and putting myself out there.

Yea it’s awkward. Yes it’s stressful. Yes it’s annoying. And yes it’s uncomfortable.

But I need to take those chances. Because even one opportunity sown from a hundred tries- is worth those hundred tries.

To @Manager me, be kind to us. Be fair. And be accountable for us. Understand that you are the part of us that goes beyond our fear and gets it done. Have a healthy relationship with how we do things, and push us enough to challenge us, not go against us. Do everything in love and in good faith.

+ Started Mile-a-day challenge + APABA video & positive feedback

+ Started Jupiter’s Legacy

+ Caden’s 1st Haircut!!!!

+ RKT broken up :/

+ Dan Lalican x Angelica’s Wedding!

+ Saturday Hangout at AC & Q’s house!

+ Memorial Day Sunday at the Calotes’

Major Projects:

Securing LORs

LSAT practice

Early stages of Applications

New life goals:

Healthier technique & sound when I sing

Loving to sweat and to see being active as a friend and something that feeds me back

Less IG/social media to avoid triggers of comparison

Self-care Goals:

More moisturized hair?

gluing down sides?

Spray to make it black?

Songs:

My Head & My Heart

SOUR ALBUM!!!!

Good 4 U x Misery Business

Fast (Motion)

Build-A-Btch

5.1.21

+ Adding “bigger” eyebrows to my face really adds a drama to my face that helps me having more striking features. I effs with it + I’m so proud of myself.

Bc before today I had nothing, and after today I have, like — not *everything but A LOT

and definitely enough to finish by Monday if I really wanted

Wow.

I love work

LOL

Not really - but I LOVE seeing ideas working out perfectly and everything coming to life !!!! ITS EXHILARATING AND SO SATISFYING + Square Game w CAM (and readings hashtag #BlackMagic)

I feel like so many people achieved their professional goals this year. Their “happy endings” that I’m trying to find. But am I lokong for a moment? A day? Where I feel achievement? Is this me trying to show gratitude to my parents?

Carmelle, Cori, Kendall, Dana, Nina (maybe like the latter two, I’m allowed to be proud of where I am and what I’ve accomplished - even if it’s not the complete image I had in my head of where I’d be- or if it’s not to the standard of everyone else)

5.2.21

1.) How you feel matters.

I used to think that

2.) Sometimes Friends hype up plans and don’t follow through.

It’s a sucky thing but it happens. Things come up, and sometimes plans change. It’s safest to not take those excited comments to heart. Lol

Robert -

That I know what it means to help build a community and that I know what to do with the resources I have and how to use that for others.

That I know how to think under pressure and to (mediate) difficult situations

Personal Statement Questions I want to answer

Who I am

How that inspires me be a lawyer

How _____ School will help me do exactly that

Make your arguments air tight!

Convincing myself that I’m not suffering when I am.

“Where in that do you hear about you giving that to God”

+ Surge of excitement/happy-prideful ness chemicals from IG and all the likes and comments coming from it (“is this like.. what it’s like to be famous?” LMAO)

+ Reward: Enjoying my social media and my AAPI Heritage posts after FINISHING THE SLIDESHOW VIDEO FOR APABA !! WOO (praise god I met that deadline and didn’t even realize!) - pats on own back for working hard, wormy smart, and EXECUTING the damn thing. BOBA WITH THE SISTERS TOMORROW TO CELEBRATE !!

5.3.21

+ Caden’s fly swatting

Importance of

feeling a wave of positive change and uplifting ness

Knowing how to work hard and smart- KNOWING when to take a break and to back in my work In bite-size increments

Allowing myself to get lost in my passion - and allowing myself to be PROUD of my work rather than defeated by it

Having pride in what you put forth

+ Serving face in the mirror when I was lying on on my bed. I may have gained a lot of my pre-pandemic weight back, but QORL I’m STILL saving face?????? Looks like that year really helped my develop more permanent angles huh (and pride for my flat nose and almond eyes!!!!)

5.6.21

Kuddos email from Alicia about presentation

Second email while at Gym - Things are possible

Feelings of lightness, like I’m where I need to be; sitting liking outside from an empty gym (Mirror - Porter)

Loving the shape of my nose today (it’s not like huge and irritated? It’s slim? And I’m like ??... never sure how that happens? But I wanna know how I get it like that. For future reference!

Feeling the pump from weights today was nice!! LATE 2020 BODY HERE I COME

also do carrots make you more orange in tint? Idk but I like the color of my skin rn- it’s so vibrant and brown and caramel-Y. And smooth! How I do that!!! Water intake?

5.7.21 Wanting to make good on wave of positive feedback and ask for letter of recommendation **Realization: You have to be your own publicist, manager, agent, therapist, fan. LOL. You literally have to pout yourself in the most advantageous positions, and that means being your own Scooter braun sometimes.

Mornings are for LSAT, Afternoons are for Family/Errands, Evenings for ME

I am very proud of you for cleaning so much and getting everything you wanted to get done today done. You studied, cleaned hella, cooked for yourself, ate a healthy meal, scheduled a chat with Zarra, cleaned your car, purged receipts- etc. I am so so so so offing proud of you. I see you. You are doing amazing

Epiphany: It doesn’t need to workout in the way I wanted; it just needs to work out

5.10.21

AL mad pissing me off

I’m always so frustrated when it comes to her, because mom and dad never taught us to A.) be boastful nor b.) Competitive with each other. But hey, I guess that’s what happens when you’re the middle and have to find a way to “shine”. It’s comforting to know that any of what I say has weight and that I’m not the only one who sees it. Praying for her unresolved insecurities tbh

I shouldn’t need to feel like I have to prove myself to you. In any light, really. Because your thoughts are your own, and your perspective is valid. Just so as long as you are bot rude, destructive, or divisive

But maybe that’s just it: maybe not any one of us HAVE to be the perfect one. There’s three of us that each of us are too at and I think that it is our calling to recognize that, live it, and be proud of jt

5.10.21

BMI is 31% ☹️☹️☹️ (I gained 16 pounds since December!!!!!!! I cry)

5.11.21 - felt overwhelmed by everything LSAT is in a month again, APABA social opportunities — WHATEVER. We can entertain networking and social opportunities AFTER June LSAT and the WHOLE year after we have finished submitting applications Focus on the projects you have already been assigned to and focus on mentorship with Zarra.

I can not be waiting on things and people that might not happen

5.11.21

“Kamille we’re at Armature”

Iconic pics, Kyle, and my booty !!!!!! #MangoSangria #MonicaMakesMeLaugh

It was so nice to be surrounded in laughter and good spirits again. To have like a “mini” night out. Granted, it was a little weird, since this wasn’t my crowd of close friends. But. Still nice!

It also freaks me out that all the “babies” from 2018 are al grown up and graduated - Raul, Jacob, Nica, etc. like girl..... HUH?????? (I am shook)

Monica is so effing funny. I forgot

5.12.21

These days, I’ve been wondering if/when I’ll ever get into law school. A part of me wonders if the past 3 years was just another script to go by - to prove and show to others that I was “working on something”. And when I look back on my progress, idk why I feel ashamed and aspiration-less and then other times I swallow up with pride.

Half of me wants to give myself unconditional love and support - and to endlessly believe that I’m- actually good (and destined) for law school.

Then the other half of me wants to stop pretending. It wonders why - if it was meant for me and part of my calling - why does it feel so impossible all the time? Am I fighting for a dream or am I bullying myself into an image of myself that I insist on having.

I’ve always enjoyed who I am around people and how they view me.

Been wondering if I’m bipolar. I’ve always felt everything so intensely - and I feel like I’ve always been prone to leaning into the positive more so than the negative.

Culture: It is a commitment to sharing traditions, remembering history, and embodying resilience.

5.13.21

Appreciating my face and my bod for what it is and re-learning to be body positive. Aka loving when I swear and not beating myself up for not measuring up the bar that I used to reach from before

Just like the world outside me, my body is allowed to have seasons. To change to grow to gain, to lose. I’m allowed to do it all

LMAO AT OUR RANDOM BURST OF CREYING in the car on the way to get soy sauce from the Philippine Grocery. “Hard Habit to Break” — hearing dads voice so clearly and it making me emotional that one day I’ll hear that and he won’t be there and LOL IDK WHY I RANDOMLY STARTED CRYIG LMAO IT WAS SO WEIRD

I did good today. I did a lot of things. I studied. I worked out. I grocery shopped for the house. I cleaned for the house. I prepped food. I picked up dinner for the Vus. I had quality time with them. I did good today. I deserve rest. I deserve reflection.

5.16.21

I don’t want to attach myself to those things, because if I do that, I’m afraid I’ll always be mourning myself. And I don’t want to expend that energy. Ya know, energy is not what I have all the time anymore. And that’s a part of growing up

If what I’m experiencing now is the beginning of how it’s going to be and one of many, I don’t want to always be here.

I want to welcome those parts of me that are coming in and all the good that is to come from me evolving and changing and growing.

I should be proud that I get to even have this. When many people don’t have that past/foundation to begin with, But that I get to do it again

Question for you right now

What can I do now to minimize those feelings of anxiety and shame?

Question for the future:

Do I ever get over these feelings of growing pain?

Is the life I’m building and in 5 years from now something I’m proud of adding to my existing catalogue of passionate and exciting work?

Something tells me to watch out for 2038

“To choose something opposite of what nature tells you is the being of love”

5.17.21 “No one thinks that of you. No one is attacking you no one is giving you bad energy. Stop feeding those illusions in your head, come outside of them and work and live and be alive.”

+ It’s so funny how I’m already daydreaming about what October///Fall 2021 is going to look like. Specifically after September when all the hell of these next few months are going to be over.

Sometimes I get scared thinking about what my application will look like. How defeated and hopeless I may feel. I’m scared it’s going to be like Sept 2020 all over again. And it’s in my head that Sept/October is just a cursed time for me all around (ever since 2019. Haha)

But at the same time, I can’t help but feel a small gust of optimism thinking about then. Knowing that Ill be done and knowing that I will have given it my all- even if it isn’t 100% of the image I had in mind for my first round of law school applications.

A small part of me hopes that I’ll be proud of myself for coming that far, and that whether I’ll be able to see it or not- that good things are inevitably coming my way.

I can’t wait to go to Khoimanda’s wedding and turn tf up!!!, I can’t wait for our potential family trip to Seattle, and for Fall/Halloween festivities to return. I can’t wait to hopefully see my lineage out and/or at a rave (ok, maybe not EDC? But def spring 2022! Lmao), I can’t wait to work on my body again, I can’t wait have more CAM hangouts and Quality FTs with friends I love by then, and overall I can’t wait feel as free as I did in between Feb LSAT and April NALA.

I think it’s so weird that I’m looking forward to Fall when summer has barely begun. But it’s all good. Summer 2021 is when ow tap thisbmuthafuqqa of an application UP. And submit that sht.

2022 we comin for you baybee

sometimes I feel bummed that no one (besides my family) got to see my “quarantine” bod/weight loss. But .. I guess the more I think about it, the more I realize that maybe that was something for me to enjoy.

+ “If I crave only the sensation of being in a relationship without having someone to fit the bill. Well then….. I want joy and excitement. I want the sensation of happiness more than I want a person. And I guess thats where the wrong foot was placed. “I bore my soul to you and you wanted no part of it. Thats enough to convince me.” —— a delightful thought I had while listening to jazz coffee shop music on YouTube. A reminder to myself to stay creative, stay hopeful, and to stick to what gives back to me.

5.18.21

"It's okay if it's only for a short time."

+ Feeding Ducks with Josh & Denni. I’m so happy that we’re all in each other’s lives again and that ... there’s a sense of bonding and connection again. Feels like a girl group that has since reconciled LOL #EthnicCleansingDucks #BananaAtDuck #YayForThemReteachingMeHowToRideABike #MealOnWheel #OliviaRodrigoWhatALegend

“I just felt so disconnected from myself and what I knew myself to be. And in turn that made me feel disconnected from those around me. Like... how could I relate and catchup and support my friend if I couldn’t even do that for myself. I didn’t feel like having that conversation of “ya know I’m not ok. I’m not the happiest, I do feel displaced. I wasn’t ready to share and fig into those feelings with someone else, largely bc I hadn’t even fully unpacked it myself”

+ If you ever want to feel better, put on some eyebrows and some chapstick. And drink your water. It’ll make you feel like a functional and presentable person again”

“I just feel like my life is changing as I know it.”

Things are always changing and time is always passing. The more you mimize your focus into that the more you’ll go mad. Stop fighting it - and dance along with it.

5.21.21

“God meets you where you meet yourself”

“Is that what you think that’s all i want you to be? Not g?”

“I will always be g. Unless you look like I ain’t looking at you”

5.22.21

+ Caden’s 1st Haircut he’s so cute and so smart and so kind and so cuddly! UGH

+ Laughs with Ate Lee in the car (Idk how to make a fire)

+ Invited to Dan Lalican’s wedding (I know, random right? Lmao)

+ It’s so weird to think that one day I will look back on this time - law school application stress, LSAT, taking care of Caden, being jobless —- as something of the past. That instead of being the “now” and the present moment, it will one day be another “past era” in my life that I’ll be able to look back on. I realize that so much more these days. Like whenever I hear “Rain on Me” or the “positions album”. the more I hear music from Summer or Fall 2020. That. Despite all the hardships and sadness and feelings of loss I felt from so many things in that time- there was still a life I lived and still so much good I had.

It’s always so weird to me how you can’t fully reflect on a time period until it’s passed. Until it’s gone. And so idk why that always makes me feel bittersweet. It freaks me out and makes me sentimental all at the same time and often I never really know how to process it. Lol

I wonder if there will ever be a time when I’m better at processing how fast time changes and how flexible life can be.

But I guess maybe that should make me feel excited? That the more things change, the more things will remain fresh and exciting.

Idk.

I just hope that in 5 years I’ll be able to look back on this time with a big swollen heart; filled with gratitude and excitement.

We hope LOL

5.23.21

People make decisions based on their experiences of you. And if their experience of you is that you’re late and you make last minute decisions, then you shouldn’t be mad at that.

“I’ve always been my most confident self when I talk about the Lord

the power of speaking to someone so rooted in the Lord

Snapped me out of my funk. The realization that: in it praying

I’m where I’m meant to be - and that as long as I’m doing it with the Lord it’s good

“You sound like you’ve really grown and are at peace with that. That’s beautiful.”

5.24.21

+ My dump truck fattie booty while sitting on the bench at the gym #BlueNikeShorts #WhiteWoodlandsBoxers

+ My sexy as progress and how toned and tan and good my body looks; we making it baybeee!

+ Felt incredibly confident 10/10 physical appearance wise (clear smooth skin, no terrible flare ups and looked so effing toned today)

+ Feel antsy about LSAT and future

+ Looking forward to wedding fun this Friday but also getting nervous at how Much I have to make room for it and prep during this week - WHICH takes away study time 😭

5.25.21

Time passes. And you’ll have lots to reminisce on (luckily). But it doesn’t mean you have to be sad. SMF throwbacks and talking w Reena. — You’re allowed to be as joyful and excited and full of humor and light, no matter how slow things are going on. You don’t have to guilt yourself into feeling a certain way. Time passes. And you are allowed to dance and to Move freely along with it.

What a gift it is to see things progress as they are meant to. What a gift it is to remember unique seasons and to embrace every fruit that those times gave us. What a gift it is to experience change.

Sometimes these days I have a hard time embracing what’s supposed to be “permanent”. And I guess... it’s weird. It feels like time passes so slowly and so fast at the same time. And I feel like hitting everything down because I always want to be able to remember every moment, ever sensation, and every feeling. Even if it’ll pass. And these days i I guess I just didn’t expect things would change so drastically.. but I guess that gives me hope. I guess if I take a quick glimpse at all of my favorite things - if I look at X-Men comics, Britney Spears albums, I guess things have to change. And the beauty of every single change came with the fact that every change made way forward something new. Something fresh, unfamiliar, and exciting, Not change, but progress. And I want to remember that progress is where new treasures are found. Progress brings valleys, it brings highs and lows, and it brings the unforeseeable. But I guess that’s what makes an interesting Song. And I guess - if you compare the open dessert with the Gand Canyon, you’d be far more amazed and enchanted by the Canyon. In all its varying heights and inconsistencies and unique/fine details. From a grander point of view , I guess that’s what makes something beautiful. Not necessity details of repetition and predictability. But in the larger picture of a grand image.

You are allowed to feel old anxieties and old pain. Don’t let your pride be the one to repress your feelings and make you feel small and go unheard. Sit with your insecurities. Allow them to tell you your fears. Finally, learn to walk with them, allowing them to leave as they please.

Inspired by my feelings of not wanting to force myself to go along with a certain feeling I’ve had from before, I removed Kyle, Tammi, and Randy from my IG close friends. I don’t know why it feels like such a big deal (when these friends don’t hold a necessarily CLOSE CLOSEE place. Idk. I guess I just want to stop justifying certain things that I do when I feel that it doesn’t give back to me).

5.26.21

My face looks so much better with facial hair. Like my features really POP and look symmetrical when my hair is grown out

+ Talking to loads of friends today on FT - Josh, Reena, Calvin, etc

Made the realization that ... I’ve had the tendency of withdrawing from friends and catching up with them in this pandemic era. Not only bc I don’t have money LOL, but bc Im never excited to talk about myself when we inevitably catch up. I hate telling the same story I’ve been telling since 2018, and I especially don’t want to confront the issue that .. I’ve been happier. That I’m not my best, and that I’m not the most hopeful rn. And that the place that I’m in is one of being tired all the time, being afraid all the time, feeling like I’m not measuring up or doing anything right. And feeling left to wonder if all my most memorable moments are behind me.

And so whenever Im going through periods like that I tend to withdraw bc I don’t want to lie and pretend that everything is good. I guess that so much of my identity is being a happy and energetic version of me, so much of what I’m known for (and feel valued for) is being that. And so when it comes to being anything BUT that, it makes me take a step back. And..... I don’t want to be sad Judsy, I don’t want to be helpless, hopeless, and God-less Judsy. I don’t know how to be that person with my friends. I don’t know that person.

And... I mean I guess technically I know that person. I know that person very well, in the comfort of my own journals and in my own secure thoughts of reflection. but I don’t know how to be that person in the presence of others. And so I guess that’s something I’m working on and building off of. Recognizing that it’s ok not to be this bright & bubbly caricature all the time. And that my real friends value who I am when I’m not funny.

Appreciate Josh, Calvin, Reena, and all my friends who remind me what it feels like to feel seen and to be wanted. and that it’s ok to laugh Life off and keep going..

5.31.21

could care less about katey and kyles engagement (lol oops)

Caden’s sweet demeanor and how he looks concerned and presses his tiny face against ours whenever we pretend to faint :’) LOL

Seeing Devera again and remembering how genuinely funny and a joy it is to laugh with him

Raffy and PDP

Seeing Caden w Liana

Kinda bummed that G didn’t text us when rolling :’/ LMFAOO oh wellz. Humble reality checks I suppose. (Maybe we really not should be relying on certain people or circumstances to fulfill us. Rather, to allow life to change and bend and to allow whatever THAT looks like to fulfill you? And to trust in that.

Siana’s Legacy:

Artists using the “90s Dance” trend after acclaimed 2019 album “Uncharted”

“Honeymoon Fades” Era Singles

“Honeymoon Fades” (released November 6, 2020)

“Baby” (video December 11, 2020)

My Head & My Heart (released February 20, 2021)

“Not Siana giving us 2018 and 2019 vibes from all these haircuts”

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waitingformyfavoritesongs · 1 year

Text

25 Jan u ary 2023 Wednesday 3:24 am pdt

I had awoken to pain and felt more heart ♥️ pain I think. When I am in the middle of doing something I sometimes 4get. 3:25 am pdt sometime soon after my parents separated my mom tells me things such as don’t make that face you look like your dad and something I think was I only love 💕 you because I am your mom which for some reason I took 2 be interpreted as she was obligated to love me and that she didn’t really like me. 3:29 am pdt I was probably 8 years old. 3:29 am pdt 8 or 9 years old I don’t remember 🤷🏻‍♀️ 3:35 am pdt but my grandma 👵 snipping my long hair was probably b4 the separation maybe when I was 6 or 7 years old when I had long black hair and I was probably 9 years old when my mom told me I looked like a sick old woman 👵 and she said “I know! You should get a haircut!” 💇‍♀️ Deshana barber 💈 Iranian Kurdish people hair cutting themes. 3:39 am pdt king 🤴 David mentioned in a song. 3:40 am pdt

3:30 am pdt ⏰ when I typed 8 million in the previous post 23 Jan 23 I thought 💭 I typed billion. I heard the population reached 8 billion. Hard 2 believe especially when COVID happened and shootings still happened. 3:34 am pdt

3:40 am pdt when I lived in king 👑 city 🌃 I saw 👀 the ring 💍 pop commercial and wanted one ☝️. When me and mom and probably younger sister went to a small store 🏬 2 get cookie 🍪 mix I found a small bin of ring 💍 pop but all were broken 😞 so I didn’t get any. Reminds me about my mom’s promise ring 💍 falling in2 the river and finding out her boyfriend was caught in bed 🛌 with the ex girlfriend and had a shotgun marriage after the ring 💍 fell into the river. 3:45 am pdt meant 2 b... go with the flow? Bcz dirty old men are in power 2 say it’s ok 👌 2 have extramarital?? Affairs bcz it’s meant 2b. If that’s the case then I guess there’s no real thing as loyalty long lasting until death old age together do you part love and he holds us to a double standard where he expects us to fall so deeply madly In love otherwise he calls us whores , so that when he leaves 🍃 us 4 another bcz love 💕 died he cannot feel it anymore so we weep 😭 deep rivers when he leaves but he’s bouncy happy Bcz he found a younger chick 🐣 to rob of her virginity, friendly unicorns 🦄 only liking virgins to devirginize. 3:51 am pdt is this what he wants????? But he 4got? 🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️ 🎶🎼🎵🎤 3:53 am pdt

Sierra LaMar Twitter tweeted if you’re a bird I’m a bird say it with me the notebook 📒 movie 🎥 clip. 3:54 am pdt birds of a feather flock together???? 🤷🏻‍♀️ 3:56 am pdt sirens 🚨 half bird sea 🌊 gulls fallen angels 3:57 am pdt. 2 types of sirens 🚨: half bird 🦅 creatures, & mermaids. Tandem opposite meanings/definitions. Yin and yang ☯️? Chinese word was it shanyang? Can b used 2 mean goat 🐐 or ram 🐏 depending on modifying??? Addditional words. 3:59 am pdt but if you’re suffering that is probably a clear indication of a sacrificial lamb 🐑???? 4 am pdt

4:30 🕟 am pdt when I typed shanyang my head got VERY hot 🥵 maybe my brain 🧠 too 😞. I think it was about a year ago my aunt told me nobody likes me. Thanks 4 telling me that. If it’s the truth I need 2 hear 👂 it? I’m receptive 2 those comments/feedback. Ever since I was a kid since at least my parents separated I felt the need 2 change myself in2 the ideal person. I fall short all the time though. I practiced drawing ✍️ since probably kindergarten and somehow I lack technique like example drawing with geometric shapes and planning out spatially. Usually I look 👀 at something and tried 2 feel it out and hopes 4 the best. When I was in school 🏫 I was often distracted. Unfortunately. But high school 🏫 onward we were taught 2 b receptive 2 criticism because that was how we learned 2 see how flawed our work was I guess. 4:39 am pdt I wonder 💭 if my need 2 change was bcz I thought my mom didn’t like me. Maybe I feared no one would like me. And that I’d never have friends and a lover. I romanticized and thought I wanted a slow court ship the type that start off as friends and progressed into best friends then lovers. After my first boyfriend broke up 🆙 with me it got harder 2 find a guy who would take it that slow. A lot of them rushed into s*x. 4:43 am pdt I had wanted something that would take years 2 develope and I was willing 2 wait if my addictions? Didn’t kick in. If he was very attractive all it would take was a kiss 😚 2 get hooked 🪝. I’ve only been physically intimate (s*x) with 4 young men. 3 of them I tried not to, I fell into the hole 🕳 (rinpoche? Poem read from Karen sahlmonsen ? Spelling bounce back book 📚) and it wasn’t my fault bcz of addiction? And he wanted to and we only did it once through pants 👖 at my request but I don’t think I anticipated that semen was going to rocket 🚀 launch out through the pants 👖 until last minute and I don’t remember if I anticipated his 🍆 being felt through the pants 👖 bcz it was my first time doing that. I wore his sweat pants 👖. To be honest, that was the best s*x I had. He was a healthy skater 🛹 and very productive active person mellow artsy tall great voice. Probably not the most handsome but I think his 🍆was long enough 2 fit me well. The following 2, I believe I was somehow in someway psychologically ? Forced into it. I 4:59 am pdt ran my left middle finger 🖕 through my hair and it forced its way through a thick knot 🪢 pain, intestines pain 🐒💨 5 am pdt that was probably 4th knot 🪢 this morning. 5:01 am pdt with second guy, I had tried 2 tell him I needed 2 take it slow, but I said the wrong 😑 words. I said I wasn’t ready 4 a relationship yet after he kissed me. I did not want to kiss at that moment but some reason I felt like hugging him and he took that as a que to kiss me. 5:05 am pdt I even felt magnetism magnet 🧲 between us to pull me into hugging him. Uh oh incubus is trying to erase my memory of the magnet 🧲 feeling i felt between us. 5:07 am pdt bad incubus! 🤬😡🥵😤🥵😤🥵😰😱 5:07 am pdt

5:54 am pdt I remember he had I think this was the order: he had started to unbuckle his belt of his pants 👖 and I remember him asking me “you want to have s*x, right?” And then I told him through clothing. He did seem irritated when I probably told him to “wait” bcz I think I was trying to keep from going too far s*xually with him, bcz I think we had not been on many dates with each other yet but he was willing to jump into s*x without much discussion or verbal or written promises of a future together. We didn’t even know each other b4 we started dating. My sister might have known him a little b4, but I don’t recall her telling me how long. 6:01 am pdt I was stupid to think that through clothing (supposedly I assumed dry humping was this and that there wouldn’t be semen but I was wrong! 😓) abstaining is probably safer. 6:04 am pdt

6:18 am pdt I think that was the only time I had s*x with the 2nd guy. 6:19 am pdt 6:25 am pdt We both changed pants 👖 when I requested through clothing. The third guy I had sat on his lap and dry humped? Grinded? And probably each time I did that he said I was driving him crazy. Long before we had “s*x” but maybe some might call it rape? He drew/wrote my name with a lot of backward little 7’s in sets of threes??? I think I did not learn about triple 7 represented perfection until recently, maybe it was last year I learned this? Probably within last 5 years, and the drawing ✍️ was from summer 2007. 6:32 am pdt I am guessing backwards means =not perfect. 6:33 am pdt

6:39 am pdt we both wore blue jeans 👖 pants 👖 and it I think always happened in his car 🚗 6:40 am pdt.

6:59 am pdt I need 2 clarify that I did not learn the word shanyang until last year? Or the end of the year before last year. 7 am pdt

7:19 am pdt From 2009 onward there were guys I hung out with who were 3 or 4 years younger than me who seemed they wanted more from me than friendship. One of them reminded me a little of my ex in some way but I wanted to friend zone him and hopefully 🙏 grow a brotherly type of friendship with. He touched me inappropriately during a hug at the olive 🫒 garden 🪴 parking lot without permission. There wasn’t any open discussion about feelings. Such as him saying I like you and I want to date you and see if this can be a long term romantic relationship. Nope. 7:27 am pdt it was for Q’s birthday 🎂 maybe 🤔. 7:28 am pdt It was very awkward when he decided to pull me down to sit on his lap in front of everyone and I felt as if I was cornered into playing along bcz I might embarrass him and hurt his feelings and I would end up 🆙 looking like a b*tch from the awkwardness and conflicting feelings and the confusion it was probably causing (I think I felt angry head hot 🥵 7:46 am pdt). For some reason I met men that wanted to have s*x with me without knowing me 4 long. I texted a guy giving him a chance bcz my mom wanted me to back when I still had a job and b4 we could go out on a one-on-one date in person (which never happened) he already was telling me he wanted me in his bed 🛏. 7:37 am pdt 7:38 am pdt I never played love 💕 like it was only a game. I had hoped for feelings to grow that would often plateau, stagnate? And die off b4 or after feeling the butterflies 🦋 and amourous feelings. One guy that I thought I fell in love 🥰 with twice I thought he was going to be the one, but periodically he rejected 🙅‍♂️ me and told me I was going to make blonde 👱‍♀️ blonde 👱 hair babies 👶, (that was his funny line to tell me he rejected me, which is more likely to happen if I married a blonde 👱 man). 7:42 am pdt 7:43 am pdt weird watery gurgle like sounds from left side 🐒💨 7:44 am pdt

8:27 am pdt roku = 6 nihongo. I read something online that god is also referred to as a rock 🪨? If you want to be funny you can break the syllables differently and say rok-u instead of ro-ku. 6 is even. But 7 is odd. Aud-Rey Hepburn? Au = gold. Go ill 🤒 d. D= dominus or devil? Devil = lived backwards. How does someone live backwards? What does that mean? Lucifer? Or Lucia/Lucy? I love 💕 Lucy. Backwards 7? 8:33 am pdt @_@ audi car 🚗 au-di?? 8:34 am pdt we all die 2 things are for certain death 💀 and taxes mark Twain? And if you drop 3 objects you can probably draw ✍️ a triangle between the three. 8:36 am pdt rock 🪨 and roll 🎸 chuck berry???? 8:36 am pdt

8:47 am pdt roll, turn over? High turnover???? 🥵😤🥵😳😖😭😞 Head hot 🥵 they’ve punished me for putting ice 🧊 on my head. 8:49 am pdt 😖😭

8:52 am pdt I have read stuff online that when you meet someone new it’s probably best in a public place and to tell some friends and probably not go alone. I don’t know 🤷🏻‍♀️ Maybe also take public transportation? I don’t know 🤷🏻‍♀️ my head is hot 🥵. If you read previous posts probably should take precautions also if introduced by someone else you have been hanging out with for a while. Unfortunately I never know 😑😖😭😤🥵😤🥵 or I did not back then???? 8:58 am pdt

8:59 am pdt clarification my mom probably did not know that guy like longer than I did, which was not at all, the one she wanted me to give a chance to who I texted. 9:01 am pdt

9:03 am pdt the sudden thought 💭 popped n2 my head that some people divorce and say “irreconcilable differences” ? I heard 👂. Can you date someone a long time and still find irreconcilable differences after saying “I do”? Sometimes you just bite the cookie 🍪 and hope it works out. Movie 🍿 5 year engagement? 9:07 am pdt I don’t remember going on any dates incubus. We are still at negative square 1,000,000 the way it’s going. 9:08 am pdt 😑😭😖😭he thinks he can trick me?! 9:09 am pdt I don’t want you anymore! I told you in 2017 (9:14 am pdt and preferably divorced is what was also in my head) we have 2go on dates 2 get 2 know each other 2 see if I can like you. Preferably in public in a group setting 2 allow organic spontaneous partnerships 2 happen. 9:11 am pdt

12:13 am pdt call me crazy but I think I like structure in social relationships: I like for a father to only be my father not my husband; if I had a brother I would only like him to be my brother ideally not my husband; I think I would like my cousins to only be my cousin not my husband no matter what weird feelings incubus wants 2 give me 🤬😡🥵😤🥵😤😖😭. With polygamy I think that makes it more difficult, what I mean is more likely to cross those lines if they secretly cheat. I don’t know 🤷🏻‍♀️ what happens if you do do it with a cousin or half brother; I don’t want to find out. It’s not only about genes 🧬 but I like to think about relationships in general having their designated roles. 12:20 pm pdt my grandpa cheated on my grandma so I should probably b more cautious about my mom’s home country and try 4 someone different ethnic identity? And I don’t really know many people on my dad’s side either 😞 but I don’t think my grandpa cheated on grandma 👵 on that side, I guess my grandpa was maybe ugly? My mom said it’s better to like a man not every woman 👩🏻 wants. Steve Harvey said an ugly man is probably the most well behaved man 👨 (I don’t know if it’s true 4 all men but maybe 🤔 it’s true 4 some?) 12:27 pm pdt

1:20 pm pdt funny how I remember things after I type about it. I did have a few drawing books 📖 📚 one for Pocahontas, my dad had Spider-Man and X-men. I stupidly gave the X-men one to Scott when he probably didn’t need it. And my sister had one for horses 🐴. I practiced those but I don’t really recall applying that method/technique much when I wasn’t looking at those books. 1:24 pm pdt

1:29 pm pdt if I had mastered the technique I would have drew a lot more drawings in the amount of time I spent drawing ✍️ probably. In 2015 I tried coloring in a skeleton copy to help myself learn anatomy drawing and then tried to draw ✍️ it but I was slow. I remember also trying to play the guitar 🎸, to learn it on my own but I started falling asleep 😴. So I had to decide to focus on my health and I remember I slept 🛌 a lot, probably between 10-14 hours a day. 1:34 pm pdt

4:14 pm pdt I 4got 2 type uncles, whether blood 🩸 related or in-laws; if there potential 4 cousins 2 b born then an uncle idk 🤷🏻‍♀️ probably b considered like a father figure? Are cousins similar to half-siblings? 4:17 pm pdt

10-14 hours a day would have given incubus a lot of time with me. I remember times when I slept 🛌 I had nightmares and felt my body being weighted down. I don’t know 🤷🏻‍♀️ if this is the time incubus was on top of me. I remember feeling the need 2 scream and my mouth 👄 opening and no noise coming out. I might have written a little about it in previous posts. 4:22 pm pdt it’s getting difficult 😞 4 me 2 remember. 4:23 pm pdt incubus tried to dig a hole 🕳 into my right ear about 40 minutes ago and I woke up 🆙 with a dry throat again. Immediately after I felt the pain in my ear 👂 I heard a loud bass booming sound then minutes later heard a text message alert 🚨 sound from this cellphone 📲 and it didn’t sound as good. I’m hoping that it was bcz of something it was touching, otherwise I would have 2 anticipate that the phone 📲 speakers 🔊 are degrading suddenly, even though this phone probably cost a lot of money 💰 in its original msrp? What does it stand 4 again 4:30 🕟 heard a loud sliding click don’t know if that’s my mom coming back. 4:31 pm pdt my mom bought me this phone 📲 at a clearance price of ≈$300 which is still expensive 4 an electronic device that only fits in your hand ✋ & I don’t know 🤷🏻‍♀️ how effective it is to editing on it other than very simple little stuff. Back in 2005 when I took fashion classes we were told China 🇨🇳 would sew 🧵 garments 4 a few cents a piece, she mentioned 7 cents I think 🤔. I don’t know 🤷🏻‍♀️ if that’s accurate but that’s what I remember. 4:37 on pdt It is a lot nicer than the cheaper android phone 📱 which I tried last year. If everyone recycled would it bring down the cost? Or would inflation continue 2 rise? 4:41 pm pdt I don’t know 🤷🏻‍♀️ enough of anything 2 probably b helpful. 4:42 pm pdt

I believe the twitch is really dead 💀. I believe incubus will drive me to the point of wanting 2 commit suicide. I believe he will control me like a muppet and make me walk 2 the train 🚊 and get hit by it/smashed by it similar 2 his maps video. 4:46 pm pdt

6:49 pm pdt I believe incubus is running 🏃‍♂️ the same game on me that he did on other women. On Q in particular years b4 me. Q’s bday is one day after my grandma’s bday. Incubus is yelling “NOOOOOO!!!” Usually that means they’re going 2 do more stuff 2 kill me. Even though he has a lot of knowledge of what’s going 2 happen b4 hand, would make me believe it’s all actually his own decisions. He owns what 3 mansions? Many cars 🚗? Stocks in several companies? A fashion line? A fragrance? The verve? Royalties? Am I missing something? He throws a basketball 🏀 from far away and it seems to fly a tremendous? Distance. I see pictures that it looks like he’s doing poses in mid air as if he has powers to levitate. He may have had me half fooled, & telling me things I want 2 hear 👂 but aren’t you spreading yourself thin incubus? How can you have much genuine feelings romantically deeply 4 that many women? How are you carrying on with all these relationships if we are only capable of having 150 connections???? 7:01 am pdt you keep on running game incubus, rapist, murderer. 7:01 pm pdt the train 🚆 passed by and it shook the place. It’s going too fast past a residential area. Cramps after gurgle feels like burning diarrhea 🐒💨

7:03 pm pdt nihongo has different counting systems? To = ten-> net backwards which looks like a spiderweb 🕸 to like toe tag 🏷 on cadavers. 7:04 pm pdt

7:22 pm pdt time goes by too fast 💨😖😭 he’s playing love 💕 like it’s a game pretending to feel love ❤️. With memory loss, he can con anyone. 7:24 pm pdt head is hot 🥵 came back from bathroom 🚽 7:19 pm. Not good. 7:25 pm pdt

In December 2012 me and Q went to a restaurant with karaoke 🎤. Met some people Q was friends with and some acquaintances or new people I guess. 3 of the men were actually from my high school 🏫 I wonder if they are still alive. I was interested in a blonde-ish haired man 👨 and I thought 💭 he might have been interested in me bcz he started talking 2 me. But I said something that turned him off and he lectured me without asking anything else about me. I thought 💭 maybe we can see eye 👁 to eye 👁 on somethings and maybe I could respect him. But when we said goodbye 👋 he was totally shunning me I guess if I’m using that word right. I had hoped if he knew me more that he would not be so strict? Like if he had noticed that I was completely shy ☺️ around him, and that I had suffered a lot and I do try to work even with my difficulties? 7:34 pm pdt and the only vacations I took were to visit family I don’t see often and once bcz of my eczema. After we left the building, in the parking lot Q told me she thinks she likes him and if it would be ok if she could have him, and she said I could have his twin brother. If you’ve ever watched sister sister or met identical twins 👯‍♀️ you might notice they have slightly different personalities?? Is that right? One might be extrovert and the other introvert? Or did I jump to conclusions? I didn’t think about that back then , but it bothered me that Q asked 4 me 2 back off. I didn’t tell her, but if someone asks an introverted person to do something without really asking their feelings... it seemed like my feelings didn’t matter. I told her I think he likes you more anyway. And then I chose not to hang out again sometime after that. I think it was after another time of hanging out there again with almost the same people but he didn’t show up 🆙. One of the other guys tried to invite me to the house party coming up 🆙 but I felt unwelcomed by his twin brother. Twins 👯 friends with twins 👯. So I tried not to be too disappointed at feeling unwelcomed probably and I stopped trying. 7:44 pm pdt it almost feels like Q is cock blocking me selectively. Even though she put music is her boyfriend on MySpace. 7:45 pm pdt 7:46 pm pdt the twin I felt unwelcomed by was dating one of Q’s friends and was friendly with Q in front of me. 7:47 pm pdt

7:55 pm pdt once my mom gave me an ultimatum that she would leave me unless I took accounting classes, so I enrolled. 7:56 pm pdt unfortunately I didn’t finish the certificate program. I started getting too scared to go and I made excuses. 7:57 pm pdt my eczema started flairing a lot anyway and it was getting harder for me to get to class on time with anxiety. 7:58 pm pdt

12:18 am pdt incubus has been pouring vinegar down my throat I suspect. If this is his way of giving me diverticulitis/crohns whatever it’s called that’s a very cruel way to make someone die especially when you’ve already put me through a lot. 12:20 am pdt divorce relationship came up in auto fill correct. Permanent divorce 2 an imaginary husband. If you were dating stroh 4 a year I wonder if your children ever see you that much and probably don’t know you. Every one thought he was being a stay at home dad. Guess NOT. 12:23 am pdt 26 Jan u ary 2023 Thursday

12:32 am pdt incubus is probably the reason why dusty rose is so short in comparison to gio grace. 12:32 am pdt

12:37 am pdt incubus destroyed love.

that tattoo should be “you’re so cold you’re so cold you’re so cold” 12:39 am pdt

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