#god was trying to stop me from publishing but i overcame
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because I could not stop for death
because I could not stop for death / he kindly stopped for me / the carriage held but just ourselves / and immortality ~ Emily Dickinson
Danny Fenton was dying, properly this time.
Somehow, in the back of his head and in his worst nightmares, he knew it would end this way: bleeding on the floor of his parents’ lab where it had all began. He was so hot he felt like his skin was on fire, blood and ectoplasm were dripping all over him and his lungs and heart were working overtime to try in vain to keep him alive a moment longer. He’d imagined at the time that there would be more screaming but death, in the end, was turning out to be a quiet little affair. A lonely table set for one.
“Danny, Danny come on, you-you gotta slow down your breathing, just relax, for me, please,” Sam moaned, more than making up for his lack of noise. She was shaking and touching him all over, his chest, his face, his hair. Normally she jumped right into action but she had to know, deep down, that there was nothing she could do. All that was left was to watch her panic and cry, it wasn’t his favorite image.
“Vlad!” He heard Tucker scream cry into the phone, “please it’s Tucker, Danny’s dying I think. The Fentons had some new invention, something about his core, please we don’t know what to do!”
Ugh Vlad, he was probably going to be so happy Danny was on his way out. He wasn’t looking much forward to his last images being his archenemy gloating. Tucker hung up and reached down to grasp Danny’s hand so hard it hurt. “Don’t worry dude, Vlad’s coming. He knows so much about you half ghosts that you’ll be fixed up on no time.” Right, Danny was already dead. If calling Vlad, feeling like he did something, helped Tucker move on then he’d deal with it.
Danny tilted his head to the side where Sam’s fingernails were carding through his hair. It was getting harder to see with the blood pouring out of his eyes but he looked at her, and tried to memorize her face. He’d never been able to tell her how much he loved her, that any day spent with her was a blessing. Tucker too, his best bro and a part of his soul. His best friends in the whole wide world, through thick and thin. God, he was going to miss them.
“Glurk,” he said, trying to convey those feeling but the fluids in his mouth and airway made it impossible. “Blerh.”
“Shh shh shh,” Sam soothed, “it’s okay, don’t try to talk.”
“Daniel!” He heard Vlad’s voice shriek as he materialized in front of the portal. Sam and Tucker were violently pushed out the way. Danny wanted to be angry at his loved ones being taken away in his final moments but anger was for the living, he barely had the energy to breathe. This death was too long and too short all at once. He made eye contact with Vlad who all at once lost the frantic edge to his tone and and instead knelt on the floor. “Oh my dear boy. What did they do to you?”
“What is going on?” Sam demanded, shoving her way back in. Danny was glad, he could see again like this. “Why aren’t you doing something!”
“There’s nothing to be done,” Vlad said in a flat, monotone, he picked up one of Danny’s hands and patted it gently. “His core is dying, it’s like a ghost’s heart. It contains their very essence, it is from which everything they are comes from. If Jack and Maddie somehow disrupted it then there’s nothing anyone can do to save him.”
“But he’s human too,” Tucker defended, grabbing Danny’s other hand. His human warm skin burned but the contact felt so good, he twitched his fingers closer to his friend’s. “He-he doesn’t need a core, he’s already got a heart. So, so he doesn’t have powers, we can do normal again.”
“You-” Vlad hissed before taking a calming breath. “The accident that made Daniel like this irreparably altered him. His core was as much a part of keeping him alive as his other organs, without it, his body is shutting down.” Vlad turned down to look Danny in the eye and saw true, genuine grief in those hateful red eyes.
“I cannot imagine the agony you are going through, I’m so sorry. I’d say it will be over soon but,” a hitch that sounded almost like a sob if it was coming from anyone other than Vlad. “But you’ve hovered on the edge of death for years, son, and you’ve always been such a fighter. You have minutes at most but those minutes are an eternity when you’re suffering.”
Sam and Tucker’s sobbing blended together in the background, Vlad was saying something with a miserable, stunned expression. The swirling of the portal in the background seemed louder than anything, louder than his heart beat pounding and pounding as it ran it’s last race.
“Daniel, Danny,” he focused his eyes back on Vlad who had a stubborn, unhappy set to his brow. “Do you want me to make the pain stop? An ectoblast to your chest will end your life instantly.”
“Don’t you dare touch him,” Sam shrieked, coming back into view and looking like she was trying to fight Vlad off. “You do anything to him and I’ll kill you!” Tucker just sat and stared at him, like he too was trying memorize Danny’s face.
“It’s a mercy, Samantha or do you want his last moments on earth to be drowning on the blood in his lungs.”
“Sam, he has a point. I don’t- I don’t think we can fix this.”
“No! No we always fix things, I’ll do it myself if I have to!”
Danny’s vision was starting to go, more black than anything else. He closed his eyes and readied himself for the inevitable.
“Time Out,” Danny opened his eyes and found he was no longer in pain. He was standing up and apart from where he’d previously been lying. Sam had her hands in Vlad’s face and the older hybrid was snarling something at her. Tucker was midmotion trying to stand up, presumably to get Sam but the three of them were frozen in the moment. Danny turned and found Clockwork floating, looking very out of place in his parents lab. “Good evening, Danny.”
“You that short on cash that you work part time as a grim reaper?” Danny quipped out of habit. He looked down at his body and grimaced a bit, that wasn’t a pretty sight. No doubt traumatizing for Tucker and Sam. God how were they going to explain this to his parents? “Gonna ferry me across the River Styx? I don’t have two pennies but I think I have a bloodied $10 on me.”
“You’re core is dying and you have 17 seconds left in this world before all your organs give out and finish the process you began when you turned on your parent’s ghost portal,” Clockwork explained as he changed into child form.
“O-okay,” Danny said shakily, trying to be brave even when he was so, so scared. He was going out whether he wanted it or not but he refused to leave crying. “Nice of you to come say goodbye then but, uh but unless you have something to say then you should let me go back. No one knows better than me that you can’t outrun death. Thanks but I’m uh I’m ready.”
Clockwork stared at him for a bit, not sure how long, time was weird like this but he changed forms a few times. “You’re quite the remarkable young man, Danny Fenton.”
“Uh thanks,” Danny added, once more looking at his body which had, according to Clockwork, a 17 second expiration date. “What’s going to happen? Am I going to become a ghost? Does heaven or hell exist for someone like me?”
“I don’t get to decide what happens, I merely see options,” Clockwork stated easily, taking his time. “If you die naturally you’ll become ghost, a mere shadow of who you are now and one who would fade fairly quickly. You don’t have strong enough anger or regrets to tie you in the real world for long.” Not great but okay he supposed, hell for his friends and family though. “You could let Plasmius deliver his mercy kill, destroying what’s left of your ghost core and ensuring you do not come back.” Better, probably won’t help the Fruitloop’s instability but he can’t save everyone.
“That one comes with it’s own caveat but I’ll get to that in a moment,” Clockwork explained. “There is a third option where you get up off the floor and walk away.” Danny blinked then looked back at his body which certainly wasn’t walking anywhere but into a plush casket. Clockwork opened his hands and the Ghost King’s Crown materialized in his hands. “If you accept your claim to the King’s Cown, it will revitalize your core and your life would be saved.”
Danny blinked.
“By sealing Pariah Dark, you won by proxy and established a legitimate claim to the throne. The Zone has been without a king for millennia, most have forgotten the old rules. Those who remembered were not too keen on a half-ghost child assuming leadership and kept you in the dark. If Plasmius ends your life then your claim transfers over to him, which he is aware of. It had been his plan all along to trick you into defeating Pariah so he could steal the Crown from you at a later date, a much easier opponent.”
Danny’s mind was overloaded with information, he didn’t know what to focus on first. He stared at his 17 seconds from death face and tried to process it all. Crown? Claim? Vlad?
“Of course,” Clockwork tutted, “he didn’t plan on your dying and in such a gruesome fashion. If he kills you and takes your claim, he would spend his remaining years ruling the Ghost Zone in a just, controlled fashion for your memory. He destroys all the stable portals and keeps the ghost and human worlds separate.” Clockwork became and old man and titled his head, “it’s not a bad timeline, all things considered.”
“And if I take it?” Danny asked quietly.
“You’re compassionate, brave and motivated, you have all the makings of a revolutionary king,” Clockwork smiled. “The Zone would experience and unprecedented era of peace, there would be positive interactions between human and ghosts for the first time since life and death split into two. Your name would spoken with reverence for the rest of time.”
“But I don’t want to be king,” Danny frowned.
“I know, I’m sorry,” Clockwork stated. “Which is why I am giving you the choice. If you pass peacefully there will be no one to claim the Crown and life will continue on, ghost attacks and all. If Plasmius kills you, he becomes an effective but unmemorable king. If you take the Crown, you can get the chance to tell Sam and Tucker how much you love them.”
Danny rubbed at his face, he didn’t want to die but he’d be sealing away his entire future with a move like this. He didn’t even know if the Crown would let him go with death, maybe he’d die and be stuck as the Ghost King until his core finally gave out lord in who knows how long. Eternity was an awful long time to carry such a responsibility. He couldn’t bring himself to ask, too afraid of the answer.
“Is there ever a timeline I became an astronaut?” He asked instead. Clockwork hummed, seemingly unsurprised by Danny’s non-sequitur.
“Yes, in one of the few universes where you never walked into the portal. You never go into space what with human politics putting a halt on the programs but you work for NASA. You leave Amity Park at 17 and don’t come back save for your parents’ dual funeral.” He paused and Danny felt read down to his very bones, “from the moment you became half ghost you were always heading for this moment. The circumstances varied but it always came down to you and the Crown. Time is straining to continue, to see how this drama plays out. Will you accept it and all the joy and grief that comes with it?”
Danny looked over at Vlad, still mid-sneer but there was a scared desperation in his face. He and Vlad sniped at each other all the time but Danny didn’t really hate him and he didn’t think Vlad did either. Leaving him alone, plus making him be king was a heavy burden to put on his enemy.
Sam and Tuck probably wouldn’t recover from this, he’d put them through so much already but he just knew that they’d never be the same. Could he do that to them? Take the easy way out and leave them to suffer? Mom and Dad didn’t deserve to come home to a dead son, the truth would come out and they’d never forgive themselves. Jazz certainly wouldn’t, she was 2 states over at University but he could already hear her angry, grief-stricken screams.
Death, death was quiet. It was quiet and merciful and sad, but it was also easy. And Danny Fenton had never once taken the easy route. He reached out and took and the crown before shakily placing it on his head. He gasped, throwing his head back as his core swelled, taking up residence once more right next to his heart. Clockwork smiled, looking like the cat who ate the canary.
“The Crown of Fire, pardon me the Crown changes with each core, the Crown of Ice is now yours as is the Zone. Your reign begins now but so too does the rest of your life. People are waiting for you. Time in.” Danny slammed back into awareness on the floor of his parents’ lab, the floor he’d almost died on twice.
He sat up as cold radiated off his body, causing frost to crawl down his arms and along the floor. Sam, Tucker and Vlad, who’d been frozen up until now, jumped back to life. There was a new, familiar weight on his head that he didn’t dare acknowledge.
He squeezed his eyes shut and said a silent goodbye to a quiet, normal life. It wouldn’t be all bad, he could be happy like this but the Crown still felt like a iron manacle around his neck. But he got used to the ghost powers, he could get used to this too. Maybe one day he won’t look at the stars and say ‘what if?’
“Danny!” Sam shouted, throwing herself into his arms soon followed by Tucker. Their warm weight, their relieved sobs, their shaky breaths in his air, now this was something worth living for. He squeezed them tightly.
“But how dude, you were at death’s door!” Tucker asked, still not letting go.
“You accepted the Crown,” Vlad said evenly, “I wasn’t aware you even knew about your claim. Who told you?”
“You don’t know everything, Vlad,” Danny sighed, sitting himself upright. Ugh his shirt was covered in blood and ectoplasm. He needed to trash these clothes before his parents freaked. And find a way to hide the floating ice crown on his head.
“Even an old man can be surprised every now and again,” Vlad said wearily. He stood up to his full height before startling Danny by dipping down to one knee. “Then allow me to be the first to welcome my new king and wish him well.”
“I thought you wanted this,” Danny questioned.
“I do, I did,” Vlad said, unusually off balance. “To be quite honest, I’m not sure how to feel about it but, right now, I’m just immeasurably happy you’re alive, little badger. Now I best be off, enjoy your kingdom, my liege, I’ll be sure to come bother you some time soon.” Vlad disappeared in a swirl of pink leaving just him, Sam and Tucker still clinging to him.
Danny may have a kingdom, a job he didn’t want and his whole life decided in a spur of the moment choice, but he also had something very important. He squeezed his friends tightly.
“I love you guys, thank you for being my friends even though I have the worst ideas for activities. Dying? On a Sunday night? How lame is that?” Sam laughed, a bit hysterical but it was real and it made Danny feel weightless.
“Don’t do that again, buddy,” Tucker breathed into his shoulder. “So you gonna explain what just happened and why you’re apparently the Ghost King or something?”
“Yeah, yeah I will but let’s get changed first. Mom and Dad will be home soon and I think I’m going to need to have a conversation with them about my new job.”
#danny phantom#i was watching forever phantom and said 'i should kill danny' and then i fucking didn't#im obsessed with ghost king danny as end game#Im not sure this is the route I would want to go but I want him to end up woth tje crown#its bitter sweet bc its a *lifelong (possibly afterlife) commitment that he didnt get a choice in#he will be happy and he will be a good king but it wasnt his choice and he'll always regret it a little#i love clockwork but he's a bit shady and will always work in favor of the timeline#anyway happy fucking sunday bitches#have some homemade angst#also i typed this directly in tumblr and almost hit the power screen on my computer instead of backspace#god was trying to stop me from publishing but i overcame#Only did one quick edit Im too tired to care anymore#lmk if you want it on ao3
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Cyber Security (Elliot Alderson)
Description: An online ad leads him to you, though in reality he has little interest in your ad. What interests him is how you accidentally doxxed yourself and how oblivious you are to that fact.
Notes: idrk what to say about this one its one of those things that i wrote at midnight after almost falling asleep to a fantasy and then realizing it could work as a fic. like i did this same thing with ‘close your eyes’ that one was also a before-bed-to-get-to-sleep fantasy. this is also not a particularly romantic interaction, though it can be read as such
WC: 2.2k
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Sweat drenched his sheets, bathing him in the cold wind that breezed past his only air conditioner lodged in a nearby window. He stared blankly upwards, half shivering and half overheated, as he once again found himself in a familiar predicament—the practice of sleep.
It was no secret he had trouble calming himself down, and that aspect of himself reached into the evening, as well. He already downed three melatonin pills hours earlier, along with smoking a joint that should’ve put him to bed. Unsurprisingly, that did not work.
“Xanax,” he mumbled to himself, hearing it bounce back from empty walls. “Need to get xanax.”
In the meantime he raised himself to his feet, padding across freezing floors to his computer. With a click of a button the white screen buzzed to life, shining bright onto his sleep-heavy eyes, that did their best to acclimatize to the sudden change.
Hypnotization—strange as it might’ve been—had worked a couple times before. Not all the time, but decently enough to give it a try. He had work in the morning and he didn’t need to be more miserable than usual, especially since he hadn’t slept almost the entire weekend.
sleep hypnosis
The blinker flickered for a moment before his fourth finger slammed down on enter, the last step in calculated movements. What popped up first was a video titled [ SLEEP HYPNOSIS ] 8 Hour Loop with a screencap of a spinning black and white screen. Below that, however, was something he hadn’t seen before—a YouTube video titled exactly what he’d typed, lacking the caps just as he had. The title screen appeared to be some sort of poorly-drawn painting.
Curiosity overcame his hazy, aching head, and he clicked, finding a playlist of videos containing what could be the titles of songs, along with several different poorly-drawn title screens.
The first video began to play before he could realize it. What he first noticed was it was bereft of ads—that meant the publisher made no money off the album.
Sat in the presence of God
whose name means filthy old fraud
Captions had been manually added by, he assumed, you. The author. There were three views on the video, no comments, and no likes, leaving few other options.
Maybe it was the melody—maybe the lyrics, who talked of a world plagued by aristocrats. But he found his eyelids heavy, dropping dark eyelashes in his vision that blurred the screen. By the third song, reciting verses of an Islamic poem, he was slouched in his seat.
He slid down to the floor, crawling his way back to flop onto his bed. The music continued to play till the first ad popped up, at which time he opened his eyes, seeing a music video from Katy Perry, at which time he promptly reached over and unplugged his computer. He wasn’t sure which cord he pulled out, but the screen still went black. With that, he just barely sneaked into his covers, dozing until the morning.
It was far too easy to get information on you. Your full name was stated clearly in your youtube bio, alongside several different social media tags leading to instagram, tumblr, and facebook.
Facebook alone provided him the means to your address, and he didn’t even have to go looking for it. Your most recent post was an ad, searching for someone good with computers to aid you in your recording process, which you noted as ‘dismal’.
Are you fucking kidding me? He thought to himself, reading the ad once more.
Your address, your real, physical address was stated as the place you wanted to meet those interested in helping you. On the internet. You had doxxed yourself after less than a year of being online.
Okay, he thought, clicking on your listed email. Someone needs to be taught a lesson.
Three days later—after about two weeks of listening to your echoing voice every night—you replied, sending a cheerful email detailing when you would be available to meet him. After shooting a short message back, the date was organized.
Two more days and he was standing at your doorstep, his neck craned upwards as he scanned your tall, narrow home squished between two other apartments. He just barely knocked before the black door swung open, revealing a familiar face belonging to a stranger. Elliot was dressed in his black hoodie and jeans, a stark difference to your long, colorful robes, coming out of a sort of fantasy world.
“Hi,” he said, his voice grating with how low and quiet he kept it.
“Hello,” you said with a smile that did not match his hunched posture. “Are you Mr. Alderson?”
“Elliot,” he corrected, his chin just barely raising to meet you. “Elliot Alderson. Elliot works.”
“Alright,” you said, nodding. “Come inside? I was just making tea. Do you like tea? Or do you prefer coffee?”
“I... I’m fine, thanks,” he said softly, scooting past you when you opened the door wide enough for him to enter. He sucked in a breath as his chest brushed yours.
Your home was modern—far fancier than Elliot’s own apartment, with large windows flanked by soft grey curtains. A small, upright piano was in the corner of the living room, set upon a reed mat lined with Korean symbols. The couch was clinical, made of a sort of black plastic leather that matched the grey skies beyond the window panes.
He sat down, shifting his feet closer together as his fingers dug into his palms, continuing to scan the room in its’ entirety until you returned with your own tea.
“What kind of experience do you have? School counts,” you said, setting your cup down on a tiny plate whose decorations matched your teacup.
“I’ve been... experimenting, with computers, since I was around 9,” he said, mumbling the words out as his shoulders hunched awkwardly down. “Have a job at a cyber security firm. Started a while back.”
“You still have that job?”
“Yeah,” he said with a small nod. “Jus’ thought this would be... fun.”
The dead look on his face indicated no humor whatsoever, but you took his word as it was.
“How’d you find the ad I put out?”
“I... I listened to your music,” he answered honestly for once. “Helps me fall asleep.”
“Oh,” you said, clearly taken aback. Your face grew warm as you glanced away with wide eyes. “I’m glad I could help.”
“You’re not very good with technology, though,” he said in his usual low, grating voice.
“Not really,” you chuckled sheepishly. “That’s why I put out the ad -“
“No, not that,” he interrupted you. “You put your physical address on the internet. You doxxed yourself. Do you even know how dangerous that is?”
The lyrics of your songs pointed towards a kind of brilliance, balanced against emotions felt thoroughly on pages and screens. It didn’t match your actions at all.
“What’s doxxing?” You asked.
Elliot had to physically stop himself from sighing and leaving.
“You want everyone to know where you, a minor celebrity, live?”
“I’d hardly call myself a -“
“I could’ve been a murderer,” he said, reaching into his bag.
He looked you in the eye as he pulled out a gun, clicking on the safety before he pointed it at you.
“This is how easy it would be to kill you.”
As expected, you stiffened at the sight of the iron barrel, your fingers withdrawing to your chest. Your lips pursed as you met his gaze once more.
“Please put the gun down,” you whispered, your voice cracking.
He did as you said, resting the gun on the table.
“That’s a hell of a way to start an interview, Mr. Alderson,” you said quietly. “Please get out of my house.”
His heart sank. What had he expected? For you to fall to your knees and sing to him as he desired you to do? He threatened you with a gun to teach you a lesson, and you reacted accordingly. Calmer than others would.
Elliot stood on shaky legs, sliding the pistol into his backpack before he zipped it up. Throwing the pack over his shoulder, he swallowed through a tight throat, shuffling as he delayed his departure.
“Keep safe from people like me,” he said in a strained mumble. “Take that ad down. Meet people from the internet only in inhabited, public areas.”
You tapped your fingernails on the table for a moment, chewing on your bottom lip. Suddenly you stood, tugging on his sweatshirt sleeve to get him to face you, instead of staring at his feet.
“Alright. If you’re really so good at the internet -“
He ignored your incorrect grammar.
“- and... if you actually do want to help me with my songs,” your tone softened, “then you’ll be able to find my real name, not my stage name. If you do.. I’ll hire you.”
“Alright,” he said monotone, knowing the battle was already won.
Even though he knew your name already, he turned away and left to his apartment, immediately going to work on figuring out everything he could about you. If you willingly still offered him the job after that, he knew it would take a lot to scare you off. He could impress you.
It was, after all, the only thing he was good at.
Two days later he showed up at your apartment again, quietly thanking you when you let him in. The clean floors and walls remained unchanged since his last visit, and you led him to the same table, sitting him down on the same seat.
“Your name is (Y/N) (L/N),” he started with. You already appeared to be surprise. “You grew up near LA and you’ve had a chronic illness all your life. At eleven you saw your first therapist.. that must’ve been when you first got diagnosed with depression... and anxiety.”
“Killer duo,” you muttered.
“Your parents split when you were thirteen, which came at the same time as your dog, Penelope, died. Or... sometime that year. When was that... 1997?”
“1999,” you said quietly.
“Your mom homeschooled you,” he continued. “That’s probably why you don’t know how computers work. Rather eclectic, in a.. boring way... an ex-Amish, right?”
You nodded and his heartbeat tripled. Everything was right thus far despite a two year difference in his guesstimate of your life’s timeline.
“Then there was your dad... logger in the Redwood forests. Burly guy. Not a great man, from what I saw,” he said.
“He was fine,” you said with a small shrug as you looked away. “Didn’t ever hurt me, or anything.”
“Abuse isn’t always physical,” he said faster than he could think, dizzied by his own memories playing behind his eyes.
“I know,” you murmured.
You went silent, so he continued, hoping to pry more precious words from you.
“Your favorite color is yellow,” he said, leaning closer to you. “On Valentine’s you get chocolate strawberries, and on easter you get kinder eggs.”
Nothing.
“You studied mythology as a kid, and you made paintings of the forest you lived in with your mom. Santa Cruz mountains, I think.”
“Yeah,” you said. “I miss the forests.”
“I know. You want to visit Ireland again because it’s a land of faeries and moss, it’s a breeding ground for your song lyrics.”
“How did you find all this out?” You finally asked.
“You use the same password on everything,” he said, though that was far from the actual answer. “Your web browser tracks all your movements and you don’t try to stop it, or hide ads, or stay away from sketchy websites. Your parents aren’t much better, either.”
You chuckled, shaking your head as you brought your hand to massage your brow.
“You’re way too smart to be helping me,” you said with soft laughter, blushing with your smile.
“It’s better than working for E Corp,” he said, huffing out a laugh that was hardly humored.
“E corp?”
“My.. uh, place of work,” he brushed off his slip. “My point is... I’d rather work with you and do easy work than work with my current fucking coworkers.”
You laughed, truly and fully this time, curling into a little ball that shook with the force of it. Your feet tucked into your tiny chair, making you even smaller.
“Bad people or just annoying?”
“Stupid,” he chuckled. “Don’t let me wear my sweatshirt.”
“Ooh, now it’s my turn,” you suddenly interrupted him, earning a strange look. “I’ve noticed things about you, too. I couldn’t learn anything off the computer, but you, you have anxiety too. Probably some childhood trauma.. maybe a dissociative disorder of sorts or a form of PTSD. Your jacket is like your home, and... you have sensory issues. Few types of fabric, don’t like to be touched, if I had to guess I’d say you might be autistic.”
“Blunt,” he said after a full minute’s silence.
“Do you mind?” You asked.
“No, not really.”
“Good. Then you’re hired,” you said with a smile, extending your hand for him to shake. “If you still want the job, of course.”
He watched you with evident apprehension, but took your hand after much thought, shaking with a firm grip.
“When do I start?”
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Can you do a Poe x reader where the reader is a sarcastic mechanic. She and Poe constantly argue like they hate each other but in reality it’s like they’re flirting unknowingly. While arguing, Poe interrupts her by kissing her? If that makes sense
Notes: Totally does!! I gotchu. Also, from the moment I started writing this Han and Leia parallels (without all the toxic tendencies in their relationship) just grabbed at me and I almost couldn’t resist. hope you like it!!! It’s kind of long so you can find it under the cut for convenience sake.
Published: December 28th, 2017
Warnings: Some spoilers for The Last Jedi? Nothing too major. I’d say it kind of spoils the opening scene but it was put under a read more link regardless.
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The sweltering heat of the main ship’s gas system almost overcame you, causing heavy beads of sweat to drip from the skin of your face, neck, and back as you worked vigorously on your repairs. A little BB unit sat propped up on your workbench, with it’s center panel opened as you examined the mainframe. Moments earlier he had gone through major electrical damage, evident still in the singed appearance of the orange paint and the heat the droid still radiated hours later, and you were assessing the damage from within, hoping silently it wouldn’t be anything that couldn’t be repaired with what you had available.
“How’s he looking?” A voice called, breaking you from your concentration. You flinched slightly, causing your hand to press against the heated metal of the droid’s outer shell and obtain an oblong burn across your forearm. Though recognizing the voice in question, you refused to let yourself appear anything less than snide and disdainful as you finally lifted your head up to lock eyes.
“Don’t talk to me.” You answered, turning your chair back to the little droid and placing your electric wedge between two magnetic plates along the damaged perimeter of his body.
“(Y/N),-”
“Poe, I’m working, and unlike your job, mine consists of serious concentration and deliberate thought.” You scorned, sending an electric shock through the metallic plates of the wedge and effectively rebooting the droid’s motion system.
“Woah, woah, woah, be careful with my droid.” He chuckled.
“His gyrosystem was in permanent motion lock. Y’know that thing that allows him to even move in the first place? Although, I think it might do him some good to do something other than follow you blindly. So did you want a frozen droid? ‘Cause I can always take out one of his chips if tha-
“I think I get it.”
“No, Poe, I don’t think you do get it.” You snapped. “BB-8 almost died out there- I don’t know if you believe that droids can die like that, I know it’s kind of a ‘controversial’ topic.” You placed air quotes around the word controversial. “But I do. I believe that there’s some other part to them that we can’t build or program. You see it in BB-8, don’t you? He sees it in himself. I know he does.- He’s in here kind of frequently you know?” Of course, it couldn’t be some sort of talk with (Y/N) without a snarky comment or sarcastic remark. “And he risked it all, knowing that this could mean everything, to help you be a careless idiot, because he trusts you. He did it because he loves you.” For once, Poe stood before you completely wordless. Any thoughts of what he could say all died down in his throat before they had the chance to surface. The thick silence was cut with the sounds of happy whirring and chirping as the familiar little droid powered back up. Poe only watched as (Y/N) screwed his plate back into place and gave everything a good shake to test for durability. BB let out a series of low whistles, causing you to laugh as you met the droid’s gaze.
“Sorry, sorry. Hey, Beebee, how ya’ feeling?” He whirred in response. “I can imagine…” You replied as you cleaned the sweat and oil from her palms. You stood up to stroke his side, and Poe watched carefully as the little droid leaned into your touch, hearing your words from just moments earlier play on loop in his head. “Well, I think you’re very brave.”
“Oh, but I’m careless?” Poe gloated, nudging your shoulder with his fingers as he pulled closer to your workbench.
“I think you’re certainly something.” You taunted.
“What kind of something?”
“Well, the last time I was as mean to you as I’d like to be, General Organa called me into her quarters to scold me.” You teased in return, a faint smile playing at the corners of your lips just faint enough for BB-8 alone to notice. “…to say the least.”
“Wait, her quarters?”
“Yeah, and I was still really young and real new to the Resistance mech team, too, so I was convinced that I was going to walk out of there wearing my ass as a hat or something because I couldn’t keep my mouth shut.” You chuckled.
“Oh, man, I don’t even remember what happened that day. What did you do?”
“I think that was one of many times I would threaten to beat you senseless if you didn’t start taking better care of BB-8.” You quipped. “Poor fella…”
“So what’d she do to you? You know, (Y/N), I think ass hats are going to be the next big fashion trend of the decade.” He taunted, scooting closer to your seat on the workbench. You replied with a tempting ‘hmm?’ which he couldn’t help but smirk at. “Yeah, because you are one.”
“Fuck off, Poe.” You replied, shoving him roughly from his seat with a visible smirk. “Getoutta here, your atrocious face and horrendous personality make my working conditions just about unbearable.”
“And we were getting along so well…” He mocked, wiping an imaginary tear as he lifted BB-8 from the table and placed him on the laminate flooring of the ship.
“Uh uh uh, what do you think you’re doing with h-”
“I’m taking him home? As he is mine and I think I have the right to do so?”
“And what makes you so sure he’s all fixed up? That one flight repair won’t turn him into scrap metal and spare parts?” You countered. He stood silent. “Yeah, thought so.” You crouched to speak one-on-one with BB, hearing him whir conflictedly. “Hey, I never said you couldn’t go. Just go easy on yourself, alright? And check up with me at least once every couple of days until I say otherwise, you got that?” The droid rolled his head to signal he understood. “That means no being reckless for you, either. Promise?” BB-8 extended one of his thin metal arms from his chest in a sort of pinky-promise. Your little finger wrapped around the arm with a grin as you stood up to face Poe once again. “If he ends up back in here, I’ll have you wearing your ass as a hat. Are we clear?”
“I’m sorry, princess.” He sneered, one eyebrow raised in his signature Poe Dameron fashion that you’ve grown to resent. “But I think I can handle him.”
“You fucking better…” You called, though he and the little droid were already stepping away.
BB-8 chirped his concerns through the speaker, trying to keep his voice low until they turned the corner. It came out as more of a question than anything else, though it still made Poe chuckle in disbelief.
“Like her?” He repeated. “Yeah, I guess she’s alright…”
“I told you, I told you if he found himself in there one more time, Poe, I wouldn’t fucki-”
“Yeah, I’m aware, princess, what did you expect me to do? I needed him. We can’t all sit along the edge of the battlefield doing-”
“Call me princess one more time see if I don’t smack you into next year.” You threatened, feeling him grow closer with each insult spewed at each other. “Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t report to the General that you’re unfit to hold a droid and that BB-8 should essentially be repossessed.” You prompted. He turned his head in serious thought, making you realize only now that you could feel his warm breath fan out against your cheeks.
“Shit- (Y/N), you can’t be seriou-”
“I’m absolutely serious. You and Organa are already kind of on thin ice here, Poe, and for good reason, too. It wouldn’t be very hard at all to report the instances in which-”
“Well then why haven’t ya’, (Y/N)?! Huh?!” Poe snapped slamming his fist on to your workbench with such force, and at such a close proximity that it was second nature to jump.
“Poe,” You began, evening your voice out so were no longer shouting. Fighting wasn’t your goal, you reminded yourself.
“With such an active effort to call me out on every mistake I make with ‘im, why haven’t you just turned me in already?”
“Poe, I-”
“No, I don’t want anymore bullshit from you, (Y/N)! I wan-”
“Because I didn’t report them, Poe! I DIDN’T REPORT ANY OF BB’S PREVIOUS DAMAGES BECAUSE I KNEW IT WOULD GET YOU INTO A LOAD OF SHIT YOU DIDN’T NEED TO BE IN, EVEN THOUGH IT WAS AGAINST VERY STRICT RESISTANCE CODE THAT I DID, ESPECIALLY WHEN SAID DROID HAS HELD INFORMATION CRITICAL TO THE ENTIRE WELLBEING OF THE RESISTANCE. ALL BECAUSE I WAS TRYING TO KEEP YOU OFF THE BENCH AND AWAY FROM THE SHITTY SIDELINES AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE, BECAUSE WITH HOW OFTEN BB-8 IS IN HERE I ACTUALLY KIND OF BEGAN TO BELIEVE IN YOU. A LONG TIME AGO, ACTUALLY. BEFORE FLEEING D’QAR, BEFORE THE BLACK SQUADRON, MAYBE EVEN BEFORE YOU BECAME ‘THE POE DAMERON’ POSTERCHILD PILOT OF THE RESISTANCE WHO EVERYONE BUT LEIA’S AFRAID TO CALL OUT, BECAUSE THEY THINK HE CAN DO NO WRONG.” You stopped to catch your breath in short pants, realizing you had moved yourself even closer as you screamed at him. You spoke again, voice now gravelly and soft from misuse, yet still just strong enough to speak your peace. “God, you’re such an idiot. Although I guess this is partially my fault, because I didn’t realize at the time that you were actually kind of a prick- stop that.”
“Stop what?” Poe replied, stepping closer with his signature eyebrow raised in a taunting look. Although this time it was different, and you couldn’t place why.
“Looking at me like that.” You answered.
“Looking at you like what, princess?”
“Stop calling me that.” You stated softly.
“What, Princess?” You nod bitterly. “Weren’t you a princess?” He recalls, thinking back briefly to a conversation he overheard between yourself and Leia.
“Not exactly. Though this is something you would know if you bothered to pay mind to anybody but yourself f-” Your snide remarks died on your lips as Poe feverishly closed the distance, pressing his own to yours. He pulled away, a smug look marking his features. “What? Do you think that just kissing a woman solves all of your problems? You questioned, sneering angrily, yet placing your hands over his chest and keeping him in place by the lapels of his jacket.
“Not exactly. But the years worth of backed up sexual and romantic tension? That’s another story.” You rolled your eyes in a dramatic display, pushing him away from you with a soft thud. He furrowed his brow, unsure of whether to follow as you walked away.
“My shift ends at seven.” You explained, turning back to meet his confused gaze a few feet behind you with a taunting smile. “You want to wait up for me? We can finish this afterwards.”
#frankie takes requests#this was actually pretty fun to write#I enjoyed it#Poe Dameron x Reader#Poe Dameron Imagine#star wars imagine#poe dameron#still taking requests ;)#i even have a prompt list or 2 reblogged if u don't know what to request ;)#just a thought
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Franci, the Boy Pio - Padre Pio at Age 14 (Caption for image to the story)
With Image:
https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/franci-boy-pio-padre-age-14-harold-baines/?published=t
Franci, the Boy Pio
by Patricia Treece from Meet Padre Pio
On a hot summer afternoon Mercurio Scocca, a playmate of Francesco (Franci) Forgionne, (later known as Padre Pio), buried Franci under corn shucks as he lay sleeping beneath a tree during southern Italy’s siesta time. Waking in darkness, Franci, scared, screamed for his mother, to the other boy’s roars of laughter. The next day, Franci discovered Mercuiro taking his siesta atop a small farm wagon. He pulled the wagon, with the sleeping Mercurio, up a nearby hill and shoved it over the crest. Mercurio suddenly wakened to the ride of his life. Fortunately for both boys, the hurtling wagon ran into a tree, which stopped it before the rider could be hurled off and injured.
Like Other Boys…
Yet There Were Signs of Holiness
Luigi Orlando, a contemporary who used to play with Franci, agreed "he was like any other boy," and also recalled a day when they were wrestling. Franci pinned Luigi, who swore in exasperation. Immediately Franci released him and fled. He had been taught by his mother, and strictly followed her injunction, to leave immediately any place where bad language was used. (Can we not teach our children that today, and for that matter, do it ourselves!)
He Loved To Pray
The child also loved to pray, which was not unusual in a family known as "the family for whom God is everything." Yet he went at prayer and religious devotion with an intensity that stood out even in the Forgione family.
The local priest Father Giuseppe Orlando later remembered reprimanding the boy because he disobeyed his mother, who wanted him to sleep in his bed, while he preferred, penitentially, to sleep on the floor, using a stone for a pillow.
Franci who had already told his parents he wanted to be a priest, also practiced self-flagellation. When his mother reproached him for beating himself, he replied, "I must beat myself the same way Jesus was beaten." Extremely devout, Maria Giuseppa Forgione felt tears come to her eyes, she later said. From then on she did not interfere with this practice.
From the Beginning, So to Speak
Years later, in 1915, his spiritual director learned that from the age of five, when Francesco first had had the idea of consecrating himself forever to the Lord, the boy had had apparitions, seeing Jesus and the Virgin Mary primarily… but also terrible, diabolical figures.
Francesco never spoke of any of it, assuming everyone else also saw the things he did. Only after he had been some years in the Capuchins did he one day offhandedly query his spiritual director, "Don’t you see the Madonna?" When the man said that he did not, Pio immediately responded, "You’re only saying this out of holy humility."
And then it all came out. Not only had Padre Pio had visions of Jesus, Mary, and devils, but as a child he saw his guardian angel so frequently that he referred to the angel fondly as “the playmate of my childhood.” The guardian angel would play such a prominent role in Padre Pio’s adult life that one of his Capuchin confreres would fill an entire book with incidents where Padre Pio interacted with his own angel and the guardian angels of others.
He Suffered in Giving up the World
When he moved into adolescence, Francesco Forgione did not long for power, riches, sexual conquests, or wild living. Instead, it was the true riches the world offers that drew Franci… to remain with his family, so strong in their love for one another, and to seize the joys he had learned among them.
Chief among these was family life itself, with its innocent pleasures of laughter, food, a glass of wine, sharing a good story, praying together, and, above all knowing they were there for each other in good times and bad. To give up all this and leave the ones he so deeply loved to enter the Franciscans and study for the priesthood, seemed beyond the fifteen-year-old’s strength.
Christ came to comfort him during his last night at home. He later wrote, under obedience to his spiritual director, speaking of his soul in the third person: It saw Jesus and His Mother Who, in all Their majesty, began to encourage it and assure it of Their predilection. Finally, Jesus placed a hand on his head, and that was enough to strengthen the upper part of the soul, so as to avoid his shedding even one tear during the painful separation, despite the painful martyrdom which tore the body and soul.
The Whole of His Life
The whole of his life can be summed up in another vision from these final days before his entry into the Capuchin Franciscan seminary. Meditating on his calling by God to become a priest, he suddenly had an unforgettable experience.
Fighting Satan
From the account he wrote under obedience to his spiritual directors, speaking of himself, as always, in the third person: He saw by his side a majestic Man of rare beauty, splendid as the sun.
This Man took him by the hand and he heard Him say: " Come with Me, because you will have to fight as a valiant warrior."
Then he was led to an area of very spacious countryside. Here there was a great multitude of men divided into two groups. On one side he saw men of most beautiful countenance… in snow-white garments. On the other...men of hideous aspect, dressed in black like so many dark shadows.
As he stood between the two groups, a giant man appeared with his forehead seeming to touch the heavens and a face that was horrible. This strange personage approached nearer and nearer and the guide Who was beside the soul informed him that he would have to fight with that creature.
At these words the poor little soul turned pale, trembled all over and was about to fall to the ground in a faint, so great was his terror. The guide supported him with one arm until he recovered somewhat from his fright.
The soul then turned to his guide and begged Him to spare him from the fury of that eerie personage, because he said the man was so strong, that the strength of all men combined would not be sufficient to fell him.
I Shall Be With You
[The guide answered:] " Your every resistance is vain. You must fight with this man. Take heart. Enter the combat with confidence. Go forth courageously. I shall be with you. In reward for your victory over him, I will give you a shining crown…"
The poor little soul took heart. He entered into combat with the formidable and mysterious being. The attack [of the giant being] was ferocious, but with the help of his guide, Who never left his side, [the soul] overcame his adversary, threw him to the ground, and forced him to flee.
As promised, a crown was placed on the soul for a moment… but almost immediately it was removed and the guide said: " I will reserve for you a crown even more beautiful if you fight the good fight with the being whom you have just fought. He will continually, renew the assault to regain his lost honor.
Fight valiantly and do not doubt My aid. Keep your eyes wide open, for that mysterious personage will try to take you by surprise. Do not fear his formidable might, but remember what I have promised you: that I will always be close at hand and I will always help you, so that you will always succeed in conquering him."
Now, all the multitude who were in darkness and whose faces were also horrible, after the defeat of the giant, fled with shrieks, curses, and horrible cries, while the other multitude praised and applauded the splendid Man, more radiant than the sun. Who assisted the poor soul so splendidly in the fierce battle. And so, the vision ended.
A day or so later a second spiritual experience confirmed that Francesco’s whole life as a priest would require combat with his mysterious adversary from hell. Demons would be present at his battles to jeer, but he must never fear, for the angels would also be there to applaud his victories over the evil one.
He understood furthermore that the heavenly guide was Jesus Christ Himself, Who would sustain him in the battle so long as he trusted in the Savior and fought valiantly.
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How I Overcame Reader’s Block (And So Can You!)
As a kid, I adored reading. Okay, more specifically, I enjoyed reading about dragons, but that’s not the issue here.
It frequently coincided with my equally as intense love of climbing trees, and some of my fondest memories involve being perched in a small tree and reading some hopelessly goofy, dragon-related literature while my mom and toddler siblings used the playground equipment. If no climbable trees were available, I’d settle for reading under one and drinking a thermos of chocolate milk while they ran around in the park.
As I got older, my tastes got a little more eclectic as I encountered Harry Potter, Percy Jackson, Anne Shirley, the residents of Narnia and Middle Earth, respectively, and much to my mother’s horror, Stephen King, but my passion remained more or less the same.
Bottom line is, I loved reading. It was my paramount joy, my primary source of entertainment, and I didn’t think that would ever change.
So imagine my shock when, around my sophomore year of college at the age of seventeen, it occurred to me that I hadn’t really read for pleasure since I discovered the Hunger Games a year or two prior. Moreover, and equally as horrifically, when I tried to read I found I couldn’t focus; regardless of the quality of the story and how much I wanted to read it, the investment was gone.
Whether this was due to my first stint with organized education (prior to college, I was homeschooled) or the fact that I’d grown accustomed to the bite-sized chunks of candy-flavored, insubstantial information served up by the internet, the sad and simple fact was that I had fallen out of love with reading, and it looked like it was going to stay that way forever.
Well, flash forward two-point-five years to Present-Day Brooksie, and since school got out in early May, I’ve read Chuck Palahniuk’s Make Something Up: Stories You Can’t Unread, Ruth Ware’s In a Dark, Dark Wood, Emma Straub’s The Vacationers, Neil Gaiman’s The Graveyard Book, and Celeste Ng’s Everything I Never Told You. Despite the disappointing lack of dragons, I loved all of them.
I drink books like nectar again, if you’ll pardon the floral language, and everything from the quality of my writing to the quality of my life has improved as a result of it.
So how did I fall back in love with reading? Well, I’ve spent a lot of time pontificating on this, and as far as I can tell, it can be narrowed down to three factors:
1. Reading every day.
It started with lunch. Every day, when I’d sit down at my university cafe, I used to get out my laptop and watch YouTube or whatnot while I ate my sandwich -- a cool idea in theory, but really sort of gross whenever I rubbed my greasy fingers on the mouse and keyboard.
When I made a conscious decision to read more, I began taking out my book and reading during the lunch period instead. It didn’t come naturally at first -- I was easily distracted and kept zoning out -- but I ultimately found it very pleasant, especially when I listened to some classical music in the background as well (nice for atmosphere, and for drowning out noise and distractions.)
I kept doing it.
When that summer rolled around, I rediscovered an amazing little outdoor cafe by the harbor. It had no wifi, which for my purposes, was absolutely perfect.
I went there to read Good Omens and eat home baked lemon squares, pie, and banana bread, listening to international tourists speak in other languages, and watch the boats go by. It was a beautiful environment, and that (coupled with the fact that Good Omens is just really fucking awesome) made it easier than ever for me to want to stay longer and become more engrossed in what I was reading.
Afterwards, I’d take out my notebook and work on my own stories and journal. Overall, I’d say that summer was one of the most intellectually productive I’ve had.
Once school started again, it got a little harder to read every day, but by then my love of reading had pretty much caught: it had become an intellectual drug for me again, a source of comfort, pleasure, and inspiration. Also, it was another viable excuse to procrastinate on my academic responsibilities, which was always welcome. So I kept reading. It was still a relatively slow process, as I had to work around my already busy schedule, but the more I read the more adept I became at drinking in the information in hungry, satisfying gulps (a bit more suggestive than I’d initially intended that metaphor to be, but I’m going to go with it.)
But this isn’t to say that there were no bumps in the road back to bibliophilia. There was another factor that I had to grasp before I reached the point where I could unabashedly adore reading once again.
Which is:
2. Reading what excites me.
No, I’m not speaking sexually, you pervert. I’m talking about books I actually want to read.
When I first started trying to get back into literature, I started trying to read the classics exclusively, like Around the World in Eighty Days and Little Women. Let me be clear, these books are amazing (excluding the jarring amounts of racism and endorsements of British colonialism in the former) but after semesters of reading similar works for my literature seminars, they just felt a little like...academia.
In fact, the only reason I was insistent on reading classics exclusively, I now realize, was because I was a pretentious, pseudo intellectual little shit back in those days with a horrible case of impostor syndrome. What I needed to re-learn was what dragon-loving, Ten-Year-Old Brooksie long since already knew: the best way to enjoy reading is to read what you actually enjoy.
It was a lesson I slowly but surely remastered, and it took me a while to realize that modern literature is teaming with smart, enriching reads, like Life of Pi, American Gods, Where’d You Go Bernadette, The Twelve Tribes of Hattie, The Help, Everything I Never Told You, and countless others.
Moreover, these were books I didn’t have to force myself to read; they were books I found myself reading at four AM because I didn’t want to stop.
I’ve also discovered classics that I can eat up in a matter of days, like A Tree Grows in Brooklyn (Which absolutely everyone should read, by the way: Francie Nolan is a feminist icon, and way, way ahead of her time, not to mention it’s fucking hilarious and will make you cry like a little bitch), Jane Eyre, and basically anything written by Jane Austen. I love these books for their sharp wit, applicable and timeless life observations, and striking lack of the pretentiousness that I’d come to associate with a lot of classic literature.
This summer, I my reading list includes Vonnegut’s Slaughterhouse 5, Douglas Adams’ The Restaurant at the End of the Universe, Chuck Palahniuk’s Fight Club, Louis Sachar’s Holes, Anthony Doerr’s All the Light We Cannot See, and Neil Gaiman’s Anansi Boys. I’m looking forward to reading each and every one of them.
Ultimately, the point I’m trying to make here is that there’s no joy to be found in pretentiousness: don’t read to prove yourself as an intellectual. Read to enrich your soul, read what you legitimately enjoy, and read what inspires you.
Which brings me to my next and final point...
3. Reading what inspires me.
This one might be true specifically for my fellow authors, but since I know a large portion of my followers are fellow authors, I think it’s applicable here.
Ever since I was an infinitesimally small child, I’ve wanted to write stories. When I was fourteen I wrote a hopelessly angsty YA novel about a half-dragon girl named Freedom and her misadventures with an ambiguously lesbian vampire and werewolf duo, a seductive and ambiguously bisexual elf (it was a time of self discovery for me), and a talking lion. When I was eleven, I wrote a middle grade novel about a little boy who befriends a dragon. When I was four, I wrote *ahem!* drew wordless stories about a winged wolf-creature named Starlight and his (in retrospect, overtly gory) battles with monsters.
It was bizarre, cringey, and I’m not gonna lie, pretty fucking awesome.
Around the time I started college at around sixteen, I’d just decided I wanted to start writing again. I had lots of ideas, and I remember in detail getting yelled at by my manager for scribbling in my notebook behind the counter instead of dutifully smiling at customers the way I was supposed to.
But my writing was...well, to put it bluntly, it was really, really bad. It only began to improve when I resolved to write every day. It noticeably and drastically began to improve when I began to read works that I found creatively inspiring.
While I was revising my manuscript, I read a lot of Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett, both masters of the kind of urban fantasy I was attempting to write, and spent a lot of time figuring out what I loved most about their writing and how to best apply it. This was also around the time I began reading Douglas Adams, which was, let me tell you, a magical experience. It involved a lot of delighted gasping on my end and thinking you’re allowed to do that?
It really showed me what the barriers were for creative writing, or in this case, total lack thereof.
I think I owe these writers a lot for helping me to create several novel-length manuscripts I’m incredibly proud of, and one that I’m currently preparing to get published.
So in closing, for anyone suffering from reader’s block, feel free to try my approach: read every day, read what you love and not to stoke your ego, and for my writer peeps, read what inspires you.
Either way, my books and I are enjoying a passionate long-term relationship, and every day I find myself loving them more.
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Beating Depression without Prescriptions
New Post has been published on https://wholerestart.com/beating-depression-without-prescriptions/
Beating Depression without Prescriptions
I was angry. I had this feeling of simmering rage always below the surface. Compounding that was my constant worrying about things that were outside of my control. I wasn’t sleeping well and I felt like I was on the brink of tears a lot. The anxiety was like an animal trying to claw its way out of me. I didn’t feel like I could control it. I didn’t even like myself.
If you’ve ever experienced any of these feelings there are many things that could individually or collectively contribute to feelings of Depression or Anxiety.
It’s important to understand some of the reasons that may cause this. Here are a few.
Reasons you have Anxiety or Depression
Life– I mean we’ve all been through some stuff. Haven’t we? You have a new baby, you have a toddler, you have a teenager…your spouse isn’t perfect, your new boss is a jerk, your loved one passed away. There is a lot coming at us, all of the time and in high-speed format thanks to technology. Life can at times leave us in a state of sadness, anxiety, and despair.
Vitamin Deficiency– Our bodies need good levels of many different types of vitamins in order for it to run optimally. If you’re feeling sad and it doesn’t seem to go away this may be the first place to have someone check. Low levels of Vitamin B or low levels of magnesium, for example, may cause you to feel depressed or anxious. I recommend reading the book A Mind of Your Own. Dr. Kelly Brogan does an incredible job of explaining this and what to ask your doctor to look for and why.
Food Allergies or Sensitivity– What you’re eating can make a significant difference in how you’re feeling. My oldest son, for example, has severe focus issues when he eats dairy. When we remove it from his diet he does much better in school. He has no other outward signs of an issue with dairy, but when tested there was a clear sensitivity to it.
Certain medications you may be taking: Kelly Brogan also explains this in her book. I found that when I took Prilosec for acid reflux, my depression symptoms worsened. Likely caused by it leaching Vitamin B from my system.
Faulty mood regulation in the brain: Yes, maybe. Although the research I have done suggests this may be less likely than the others. However, some simply have an issue regulating all of those important chemicals in our bodies that are responsible for happiness.
How I overcame Depression & Anxiety naturally
There are so many variables that this is why it is so critical to get help. You can’t do this alone and shouldn’t. There is someone out there who can help you and you will be glad that you found them. Don’t try to live with it or deal with it. If you feel like you have a problem get help.
Through my work with my holistic medicine doctor, I have done a number of things which make a big difference for me. I feel happy, I laugh again. My relationships have improved. My ability to cope with difficult situations has improved. You can feel better too.
What I did was change the way I ate and lived. I’ve learned a lot along my journey but below are some of the most important things I did first that you may find helpful.
First, I went Whole30 for thirty days: Oh friends, it was tough at first. I had the worst headache I have ever had for about three days. I cold turkey stopped eating: Gluten, Dairy, Alcohol, Caffeine, Sugar, Starch, Beans….etc. I went to Grass-fed meat, cage-free eggs, vegetables, and water.
Within a month I was off Prilosec (Acid-reflux), Lexapro (depression), and Zyrtec (allergies).
I was no longer choking on my food, from the acid reflux which had damaged my esophagus you can read that scary story here. The tissue started to heal and I could swallow steak again, yeah!
I started taking CereVive and Adpaten-all which are two natural supplements that work wonders for me. If I stop taking them for 24 hours I can feel some of the old irritation coming back. These have been an absolute God-send for me. The prescription medication for depression made me gain weight and when I tried to lose it, I literally couldn’t. It also gave me terrible night sweats that the Doctor told me I would get used to eventually. Really?
CereVive helps me feel happier. It also improves my focus and concentration. My 13-year-old actually takes it for focus as well. I take two in the morning.
The Adapten-all helps with anxiety. It makes my brain stop spinning with worry. It also got rid of the irritability and anger I often felt. I take two in the morning and one around dinner time. The one around dinner time helps me to avoid waking in the middle of the night worrying about something.
When I was done with Whole30, I switched to Paleo. The only modification I make to Paleo is that I do eat white potatoes because of the research that Kelly Brogan has done on resistant starches and how important they are for your body. On a very rare occasion, I eat rice or rice noodles.
I exercise three days per week for about one hour. I want to be clear about my exercise, it is not fluffy or easy. I do both cardio and weights at every workout and I sweat and I’m sore every time. At a minimum, my workouts burn 450 calories and at a maximum, I’ve burned 600+ calories. Note that your weight is going to be a determining factor in how many calories you burn in any workout. I am about 5’6” and weigh around 130lbs. If you weigh more, you would burn more calories, if you weigh less than you would burn fewer calories if you did the same workout.
I use OrangeTheory two times per week and my own copycat OT workout the third day. You can read my article about OT here.
Exercise is an important contributor to a lot of things but it has been shown to help with both depression and anxiety. I know you didn’t want to hear me say that, it’s no fun but the health, mental, and immune benefits that come from exercise are absolutely critical to you feeling like your best you.
Last, since I started this I do not get sick. I almost feel like I should knock on wood, but I do not catch common colds, flu or other things that go around all winter. At most, I might feel like I’m coming down with something for one day and feel a bit tired. I just never get the full-blown bug. It’s an unexpected bonus because who has time to be sick?
These things have all made such a difference for me that it makes it easy to want to continue. If you are interested in eating differently I’ve posted some of my favorite recipes here.
You can join my mailing list to keep updated on my journey and any new recipe’s that I post.
As always you can post questions in the comment section or contact me directly. I am always happy to share my experience with others.
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Blog #5 BAD RAP CAAMFEST 17
This was my very first time at a film festival, and it was amazing! The film was called Bad Rap and it took place at the Jewish Community Center (JCCSF). I didn’t know much of what the film was going to be about other than rap and I didn’t know what I’m expecting it be like because I was unfamiliar with the artists and that I wasn’t really into rap. I ended up choosing this film mainly because my roommate is a huge fan of the artists such as Awkwafina, Lyricks, Rekstizzy, and Dumbfounded. She seemed so hyped that they made a documentary and that they were in the same city as us which made me curious so she showed me their top videos on YouTube and I was impressed on how many viewers they had in a short amount of time the video was published and in the way they expressed themselves in their music, so I was interested on hearing their story and their music.
AWKWAFINA: In the documentary, awkwafina has a role of an Asian American women that influences other girls like her that “your vagina is 50 times better than a penis” inspired by her top hit, “My Vag” that made her famous and basically letting all girls and guys know that the power of a vagina is everything!
LYRICKS: In the documentary, Lyricks started his career as a rapper by involving God and his Christian values. It showed how unsure he was with his artistic identity because it was hard having that identity and having to support his parents that are aging. He is still trying to figure out how to move forward as an artist.
REKSTIZZY: In the documentary, Rekstizzy talks about sharing his creative ideas through his music videos, but it crosses explicit boundaries and makes some people uncomfortable. He felt put down but that wasn’t going to stop him from doing what he loves.
DUMBFOUNDED: In the documentary, it showed how Dumbfounded got famous by his music on YouTube and rap battles on T.V. He worked so hard with making music, going gigs, His YouTube and social media savvy helped to establish him as one of hip-hop's most recognized independent rap artists but he isn’t in the market yet. Maybe because he’s Asian?
I’m so glad I went to this film because it showed the struggle of four Asian American rappers that are trying to succeed in the mainstream who have dealt discrimination and stereotypes in the music industry because they are Asian, and they showed how they overcame all the hate from other industries and companies. It left the audience questions like, “Do people know or care about Asian-American Rapper?” “What makes these rappers so special?” and “Why hasn’t there been an Asian-American rap star yet?” I think these questions add up to why hasn’t the music industry not mention Asian American rappers? It’s because the face of rap in America remains primarily black, brown, and white. The society finds it “weird” to have an Asian start a career as a rapper. Not to mention back in the day we had, Mountain Brothers, Jin, and Lyrics Born, to recent pop now such as the Far East Movement. The Asian-American presence in rap has always existed, but has never been showed because of society.
-Trisha Argentera
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A Dream Cum True
***By Request***
A Dream Cum True
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A/N:
Set back on the M.O.I.
For those who don’t know, Maines actual name is Michael Creed
Sorry this is late! I have a friend visiting and forgot to find the time to write.
Word Count : 1638
Figures, the first one of my stories I publish on here is smut. Of course.
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***Warning : Graphic Lemon/Smut Ahead (For those not familiar with those terms...Sex, people fucking okay?)***
---Your P.O.V.---
“Hey (Y/N)!” I turned around to see York waving in my direction, “Hey York, what’s up man?”
As he came closer I could see a smug grin plastered on his face. “Well…You know, Maine went to his room about thirty minutes ago to go and get something and I can’t get him to come out. I was wondering if you could try?...Considering how close you two are?”
I could feel the blush on my face rise as he finished, but a frown also came with it, “York, I’ll help you...and you obviously know that I like him but he doesn’t swing that way man. So just drop it okay?” I had liked Maine for a while now. While most people were scared of how he never talked and his excessive amount of strength, I had to admit that it turned me onto no end. I mean think about how the skills he learned in the field could transition into the bedroom...Wait shit nows not the time.
“Look, (Y/N). Just tell him, and even if he doesn’t swing that was you know it won’t let him do his work. Now, go get him out and maybe some more...” With a final wink as he started walking he was gone.
You know what, fuck it. Yorks right, hell maybe I’ll even get laid.
---
I took a breath in front of Maines door, he rarely locked it but no one ever just walked in. I decided against knocking since I never do when he’s in a mood, I just go and sit with him so he knows someone's there.
However, when I get there I greeted with a completely different sight. Making sure to be silent as I enter and shut the door I look over to the middle of the room.
Maine was out of his armour in only his sweat pants, which were around his thighs as he lay on his bed, head slightly thrown back, his mouth slightly open in pleasure as he pumped himself with one hand.
I could feel myself staring at him, his bare muscles, his chest falling and rising quickly as he pleasured himself… and his fucking cock, god damn. I could feel the bulge growing in my pants as I started to think about my hands around his cock instead, pumping him as my head slowly sucked him off teasingly.
I was snapped out of my thoughts when I heard him finish himself, “(Y/N)! Fuck…” I started to bit my lip as I watched him slid out from the opposite side of the bed from where I was standing. Then I got an idea....
I backed up against the door and started to palm myself through my sweats, then heard a soft moan escape my lips.
Maine whipped around, his entire body tensed and a red blush spread across his cheeks. I simply locked eyes with him and smirked, “Fuck, you don’t know how hot it was hearing you moan my name as you fucked yourself. I just couldn’t hold it in.” Any fear from before was left behind as I gave him a challenging look, as to tell him to come here and show me what he’s really made of.
His entire face heated up a lightish red, then staring at me intently, eyes filled with lust as he
slowly walked over.
His eyes connected with mine as he took my hand off my pants and pinned them both next to my head, pressing his body flush to mine so I could feel his bulge against mine.
I slowly leant my head forward and connected hip lips with mine, starting off as a gentle kiss. Both of us showing the other our affection, our love. Then something overcame the both of us, a hunger, after see eat other in a pleasured state and knowing the other was the cause. A soft and slow kiss turned passionate and lust driven, his hands tightened around my wrists as I bit at the bottom of his lip asking for entry. He easily obliged and our tongues fought for dominance in the others mouth, constantly wrapping around each other and pushing against the other, teeth clashing when the other pushed too hard.
A load groan escaped us both as I pressed my hips up and started to rub my cock against his in a slow, agonizing pace until he can’t take it anymore. He takes his hands from my wrists and lifts me by my hips and I wrap my legs around his waist as he quickly carries me to the bed and fall on top of me and we both land on the soft sheets.
I tore my shirt over my head as fast as I could and met his lips again, then kissed down his jaw to his neck as started biting his exposed skin. After Slightly darkening his skin I feel a strong hand reach up and slam me back on the bed by my neck. His hand loosens a bit and gives a look as if to ask permission. This kinky bastard.
I give him a sly grin and nod my head, “Keep your hands to your sides, and when you come I want you to scream my name. You understand?” He tell me in a deep and husky voice. As he finished he used his other hand to cup me through my sweats. “Y-yes Michael…”
“Do you want a safe word?” His voice still lustful, but holding concern, “Yes, let’s just use Creed. Short and Sweet.” I say and give him a reassuring smile.
His lips come down to my neck, giving several marks to show who my heart now belongs to. He takes a moment to take off his shirt and slowly undo his pants while kissing down my chest to the hem of my pants. After all this clothes are off makes quick work of removing mine, I try to help pull them down but in one quick movement both my hands are pinned above my head and another is on my throat, “I said hands to your side, or I might just deny you your satisfaction.”
I hear a small whimper eacape my lips as I give him an eager nod. He quickly discards of my pants with his hands before grabbing the lube from a nearby drawer and setting it on the side of the bed.
One hand came up to my throat and gave a small squeeze before using the other slowly stroke my cock.
“F-fuck...please Michael.” A smirk developed on his face and he decided to grab the lube, coating three of his fingers. He slowly inserted one finger into my ass, giving me time to adjust before he started thrusting it in and out.
After a few seconds he added another finger making sure to go knuckle deep, a string of curse words escaping my lips. I looked down to see him add a third finger, pumping inside me faster and starting to curl his fingers every time, making me moan even louder. I could see the precum dripping from his cock as he slowly took his fingers out and spreading lube on himself. The hand around my throat tightened as he inserted the head of his cock inside of me. I heard him give a small moan as he stopped and gave me a moment to adjust to his size then putting my legs on his shoulders.
“Just fuck me. Fuck me as hard as you can Michael.”
Almost immediately, he placed his other hand on my hip and slid himself fully inside me, “F-fuck!” I could hear myself yell.
He started off slow and moaning when his cock was fully enveloped in my ass.
��God Damnit...I’ve been wanting to fuck you since the day I first saw you in the locker room.” He started thrusting even harder, you could hear the skin slapping together every time. “Ooooh, god, then fuck me, fuck me until I cum all over your chest and you fill me with your -ah- god fuck!”
He angled himself so that he was hitting my prostate with every thrust. Making me a moaning mess just like him. Both of us screaming curse words as his thrusts became sporadic and his hand tightened around my neck almost choking me, but instead earning a loud moan of pleasure.
“Mic-chael!!” I could hear myself scream his name as he continued to thrust himself inside of me while I came all over his chest, he soon reached his climax after, “(Y-Y/N)), Fuck!...holy fuck.” I could feel the warm sensation inside of me as he came, taking his hand off my throat and kissing me on the lips before pulling out and flopping down beside me on the bed. Both of us still in a daze of pleasure.
“Fuck that was good. Please don’t tell me that was a one time thing.” He looked over at me and smirked before propping himself up on one elbow and locking our lips in a gentle kiss, “I sure as hell am not not letting you go now.”
I gave him a small laugh as I realized something, “Good, but we may have to take it easy next time. I’m gonna have to explain to York why I came in here to get you and left with hickeys and choke marks.”
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Why Your Greatest Success Will Only Come After Your Worst Failure
Your way to success will pass through massive failure.
Failure sucks.
Coming up unsuccessful in anything—especially on a project that you love or care deeply about—is one of the worst types of pain that there is.
Even though that burn of defeat can be traumatizing, failure is one of the most valuable stepping-stones that there is for developing greatness in yourself.
It’s a powerful secret sauce for developing the unrelenting determination you need to win; sparking unstoppable levels of creativity in yourself; and revealing character-traits you could of never discovered any other way.
Failure breeds success. You have to lose to win.
Your greatest victory will only materialize after your worst loss.
Your way to success will pass through massive failure
Here’s three reasons why:
#1- Failure Is The Father Of Determination
Success requires determination.
Launching a successful business, becoming a published #1 best-selling author, winning an election, hosting your own television show, changing millions of lives, earning a million dollars, and overcoming bad circumstances to build an empire from nothing are all feats that require massive, persistent, and unrelenting determination to win at all costs.
As we look up at our role models—the Mark Zuckerbergs, J.K. Rowlings, the Steve Jobs’, the Oprah Winfreys, and the Shawn Carters—of the world, it’s very easy to fall into that trap of thinking that these super-determined individuals were just born with their motivation and drive.
But contrary to what we may think, determination is not an in-born quality that you either have or you don’t. Determination, drive, motivation, persistence, and hunger to succeed are not in-born traits.
That unrelenting hunger to succeed always comes to life in moments of pain, failure, defeat, and loss. Failure Is The Father Of Determination.
That undying hunger, motivation, and determination to succeed always originates from struggling through the pain of unemployment, losing out on a job or business opportunity, getting cut from the team, failing to pass through to the next round of an audition, bankruptcy, or failing to launch a business successfully.
That relentless determination to win comes from suffering through the misery of failure and deciding to yourself that: From now on, failure is not an option for me. From now on, I will do whatever it takes to succeed and make my goals a reality at all costs.
Failure Is The Father Of Determination.
So in order to reach your greatest level of success, you first have to hit rock bottom. You have to persist through failure to be super-successful.
There’s no way around it.
#2- Failure Breeds Creativity. Your Defeats Will Inspire The Creativity You Need To Win
There are lots of ways to stimulate your creativity. Meditation, reading thought-provoking books, engaging in stimulating conversation with like-minded people, listening to music, working out, and pouring yourself a nice cup of coffee or green tea are all great ways to get your creative juices flowing.
But out of all the many ways to do it, suffering through failure has to be the most powerful way to spark your creativity.
Going through a failure—if you respond to it with a positive mindset—can really do wonders for you. Because it backs you into a corner.
Putting all of your efforts, energy, dedication, hard work, and enthusiasm into a goal and coming up unsuccessful forces you to use your creativity to come up with better, stronger, and more innovative approaches to success.
Failure forces you to get creative.
Failure forces you to invent ideas, solutions, and strategies that could never exist without that tragedy of suffering through loss.
Suffering through a devastating failure—as painful as it is—can be a God-send for your career. Because it forces you to create your way out of rock-bottom and into success.
A brilliant example of creativity-provoking powers of suffering through failure is the life-story of Steve Jobs—a technology entrepreneur and icon who epically used his failure as motivation to create greater levels of success.
In Steve Jobs’ Commencement Speech to Stanford’s Graduating Class of 2005, Jobs retold his story of connecting with a strong passion for creating technology at Apple only to get fired from the company he created at the age of 30.
Public failure. It was the most devastating setback of his life.
Though it could have destroyed him, Jobs explained to the graduates that getting publicly fired turned out to be the best thing that could of happened to him.
Because losing his position and success as the leader of Apple opened him up to express his creativity more freely. He started a company called NeXT, helped launch Pixar, reclaimed his role as CEO of Apple, and the rest is history.
Failure opened Steve Jobs up to express himself more freely and forced him to create his way out of his rock-bottom into the mega-stardom and super-success he enjoyed at Apple.
As he explained to the graduates: “It was awful tasting medicine, but I guess the patient needed it.”
Failure was the medicine Steve Jobs needed to spark his creativity.
Because his greatest success could only come after he overcame his worst failure.
#3- Failure Reveals Character. Your Defeats Will Show You Who You Are
Everything—including failure—happens for a reason. Everything takes place for a purpose.
Though this truth is hard to comprehend until looking back on your life in hindsight, failure always comes into our lives for the purpose of revealing character. Failure comes into our lives to reveal qualities in us that we could never discover any other way.
Failure shows us who we are.
Smiling, laughing, and celebrating through good times is great. But good times don’t show you who you are. Hard times do.
Good times don’t show you how resilient, purposeful, determined, creative, strong-minded, resourceful, motivated, and intelligent you are. Only failure can do that.
Failure is life’s universal test for pushing and elevating us into deeper levels of who we are.
Struggling through and overcoming painful situations, tough problems, tragic losses, setbacks, and moments of sadness reveals our best nature. Suffering through the worst brings out the best in us.
A powerful example of this is—world-changing and record-setting author of The Harry Potter series—J.K. Rowling.
Failure was such a huge stepping-stone for Rowling that she dedicated a big portion of her Commencement Speech to Harvard’s Class of 2008 to enlightening the graduates to “the benefits of failure.”
She described how at the time of her own graduation from college, her greatest fear was failure—a fear that became reality seven years later as she struggled through single-parenthood, unemployment, and poverty all at the same time.
Hitting rock bottom was a dark period in J.K. Rowling’s life. But it was also the foundation for her eventual success.
Because failure stripped away what Rowling called “the inessential.” Struggling through that defeat broke her down to a state where all she had left was her true character.
Failure revealed her true character: “I stopped pretending to myself that I was anything other than what I was, and began to direct all my energy into finishing the only work that mattered to me. . . . I was set free, because my greatest fear had been realized, and I was still alive, and I still had a daughter whom I adored, and I had an old typewriter and a big idea. And so rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.”
So in conclusion, I encourage to embrace your failures.
I encourage you to not only embrace your setbacks, but to also spend some effort on projects, goals, and ideas that scare the hell out of you.
Everyday Power
Aim to accomplish goals so ambitious—so beyond what you’re currently capable of—that they scare you.
Try failing on purpose.
Because that sting of losing out on success is momentarily going to burn.
But the unrelenting determination, unbeatable hunger for success, unstoppable creativity, and newfound knowledge of your true character are more than worth the pain of surviving through failure.
When the chips are down, keep in mind that even though you’re in the middle of the worst failure of your life, your greatest success lies ahead of you somewhere in your future.
The post Why Your Greatest Success Will Only Come After Your Worst Failure appeared first on Everyday Power.
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Community Celebrates Pompano Bill
Pompano Bill
1926 – 2018
Like so many other, I was deeply affected when I heard that Pompano Bill had passed away. At first, I went into a deep silence and just wanted to be alone to collect my thoughts. A sense of calm overcame me as I thought that Bill had just ended a spectacular journey we call life on earth. Bill and I often talked about our community, politics and of course, gossip. One thing is certain, I came to trust him like a father. In our last conversation he shared with me the fact that he decided not to undergo Chemotherapy while in the hospital. I refused to consider that he was telling me his time had come. Denial, as you know, is one of the first phases of dealing with grief. Ironically, as I checked my last email to him regarding Hotspots business, the subject line was “time to relax.” God knows, I did not want him to take it literally by going to his eternal resting place.
William Calcaterra, aka Pompano Bill, was born on January 12th, 1926 in Norway, Michigan. He had a normal childhood, however, as he matured, he realized that he was different. Back then the word gay wasn’t used, instead the word was “queer.” Growing up in such a small town of 3,728 people, he kept his difference suppressed.
He graduated high school in June of 1944 and was immediately inducted into the Navy, attended Radio Operator School in Madison, Wisconsin and was assigned to a ship in the Pacific Theatre. World War II ended and he returned to the U.S.
While still on active duty and stationed in San Francisco he stumbled into a bar on Market Street, not realizing it was a bar frequented by homosexuals, and was invited out for cocktails at the Saint Francis Hotel and treated to a weekend of fun and luxury. He saw that gentleman again during the week. Although he said the experience was amazing, shortly afterwards he got his discharge papers and returned home, where he again went into suppressing his desires. A year later, with the GI Bill, he went to Ferris State College and then moved to Detroit and completed his education at the Detroit Institute of Technology. It was in Detroit that he really discovered gay life.
While in Detroit he had his first relationship, which ended due to his partner being drafted for the Korean War. After graduating from college, he joined IBM (which Bill says stands for I’ve been moved) in 1951, where he stayed until retirement 36 years later in 1987. During his employment at IBM he made his way up to middle management and was transferred to many places throughout the country.
Eventually, Bill had the good sense to move to the Florida. After a few years he became bored and bought a camera. In 1992 he started his second career as a photographer and was published as Pompano Bill in Scoop Magazine. Since then he has worked for Outlook, Buzz, 411, Express, The Blade and, for the last dozen years or so he was very happy shooting exclusively for Hotspots Magazine. Over the years he has accumulated tens of thousands of pictures, which have become his life, he says they are like his friends. He had all his old photos organized in shoe boxes and digital images were stored on 2 computers. He often wondered what the stories were behind some of the people he captured on film when he looked back at them. As many of you know, Pompano Bill had a huge heart and donated much of his time to charities including Poverello, Tuesdays Angels, Broward House, The Pride Center and so many others.
Scott Holland once asked Pompano Bill: What are the benefits of living longer?
Bill replied: “You can teach an old dog new tricks, outliving a few assholes, the ability to meet and enjoy younger people…especially those that like to hear about gay history that I experienced.”
A CELEBRATION OF LIFE
Many have asked if funeral or memorial services will be taking place. One of Bill’s closest friends, Toni Barone, reminded me that he did not want anything special or grandiose after his passing. It is our understanding that a few family members will be arriving to discuss plans and we will announce the outcome of their decision the moment it happens. One thing is certain, if a celebration of life takes place, it will be one to remember!
Now, I find myself trying to fill yet, another hole in my heart…
A special thanks goes to Scott Holland for contributing the biographical content of this article
From a Grateful Community
Last week, our community lost an icon and friend. Bill touch many lives over the decades as he served our community, not only as a photographer but as a mentor and friend to many. With so many condolences still pouring in, we thought the best way to communicate our feelings just was to capture a few comments that capture the essence of a man who was loved and admired by so many:
Brad Casey: Dear Friend
It has been a day of reflection on my 27 year of friendship and association with Bill Calcaterra, Pompano Bill. It’s been a difficult day but I am at peace with his passing. Both Pompano and I knew his day of crossing the Rainbow were near. He was tired of fighting Cancer and loosing his eyesight. He now can see clearly and can rest. Thank You Pompano Bill for an amazing 27 years.
Richard Gray: Greater Fort Lauderdale CVB
He was an amazing man with an incredible zest for life.
Michael Goodman: Public Relations
He was so much a part of our community. I have very fond memories of him. He left his mark.
Billy Sand: Friend
R I P. Will always love him
Stephen R. Lang: Co-worker and dear friend
I don’t know what exactly to say and I have loved this man since the second time I met him. [The first time he did his groping thing.] We have had a wild ride standing next to and he ALWAYS looked out for me and making sure I was getting my shots and doing my job. I remember one of his BIGGEST warning about nightclubs was the smoke and how he got some sort of Cancer from it. He was a Trooper and loved my many–including myself. Una famiglia italiana e un dono di Dio.
Michael Albetta: Broward Sherriff Community Liaison
Memories captured from my dear good friend who now rests in Heaven, William “Bill” Calcaterra aka POMPANO BILL.. Our beloved LGBT community will miss him more than we think. Let’s honor one last request from Pompano Bill: GET OUT TO VOTE AND VOTE DEMOCRATIC!
Jose Javier: Friend
I think every gay man in South Florida has a picture taken by him. I never got a chance to have a long conversation with him, but the short chat after he had taken a picture where always nice. Will be missed. Rest in peace Pompano Bill Calcaterra.
Mike Trottier: Co-worker and dear friend
Pompano Bill…You can rest now my friend. Miss you already Peanut Butter!
Row lliescu: Equality Florida
Don’t be sad! Of course, we will miss you, Pompano Bill—but what a life you lived–an example to all of us to seize the day and make the most of every situation–or so it seemed. Indeed, the place won’t be the same without you, but it’s immeasurably better because of you. I look forward to celebrating your life with the throngs who adored you.
Steven Walker: Friend
I was in two of his photos in Hotspots Magazine. One all dressed up at The Opera Broward Center, the other less put together in the pool at Inn Leather-tee hee!
Ken Evans: Our Fund
Sad to learn of the passing of Pompano Bill. A wonderful friend to so many of us in the LGBTQ community. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Bill without a smile or his camera ready to take that perfect shot. He will be greatly missed by our community. Thank you for all the memories Pompano…Rest In Peace good friend.
Howard Andrew: Talent Scout
I found myself driving to Pompanos Bills house today, and sitting in the car outside of his home. Shaking my head for not stopping by earlier, and for always saying I’ll stop by tomorrow I’ll stop by tomorrow I’ll stop by tomorrow. We’ll, tomorrow has come and Bill has gone. Don’t wait to see friends and loved ones…. Don’t miss the chance to tell someone you love them. Life is short….. Rip Bill
Robin Bodiford: Attorney
I loved Pompano Bill. He had such a wonderful vibe and over the years such a big part of our community and also chronicled our community.
Kevin Clevenger, Poverello
Rest in peace Pompano Bill
Kenneth Flood: The Pub
So sad to hear of the passing of Pompano Bill Calcaterra. I have known this man pretty much since day one when I first moved to Fort Lauderdale. He was such a kind wonderful man. He always greeted me with a Hug & a Kiss(or three,LOL). I am saddened by the loss of this man, a treasure, R.I.P. my friend.
Daniel Curtis: Friend
I’m celebrating the life of my friend Mr Pompano Bill Calcaterra.
The Snapchat & Instagram of his time from the Golden Cost to the Golf Cost South Florida has been best pictured by you!
I’ll lend you my ear anytime! Thank you for for your gifts the smiles & magic in our memories! You’re having a great time in the afterlife this I’m sure!
Salute and cheers my friend…
Jim Libonati: Friend and former Hotspots Executive
I miss him very much; like others we had a great history as friends, and he was once my neighbor back in the late 80’s… RIP My dear Friend!
Gary Resnick: Mayor, Wilton Manors
“Our community has lost an Icon and a loving man who gave so much to so many”
Toni Barone: Close Friend, Community Leader
“How do you say goodbye to such an Icon? Our community will come together and heal but right now, we are still coming to terms with our loss.
Steve and Zak: Owners of Ramrod
We grieve the sudden loss of a long-time community member and dear friend
Michael Murphy: Photographer
I’m not sure how to express my love for Pompano, my own shortened nickname, in a paragraph. Over 25 years of sharing great images with one another, playfully bumping each other while shooting, comparing butts and bulges and yes telling secrets. I’m grateful that he had the best life, surrounded by so many people that loved him and that he loved even more. Many of us forget that when he was young and gay, he couldn’t be out.
So, his last 25 years, the 25 I got to enjoy alongside of him, truly were his Golden Years and he lived every minute to the fullest! I love you Pompano!
Watch for next week’s edition of Hotspots for a special photographic retrospective of Pompano Bill’s life and legacy.
source https://hotspotsmagazine.com/2018/10/25/community-celebrates-pompano-bill/
from Hot Spots Magazine https://hotspotsmagazin.blogspot.com/2018/10/community-celebrates-pompano-bill.html
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Community Celebrates Pompano Bill
Pompano Bill
1926 – 2018
Like so many other, I was deeply affected when I heard that Pompano Bill had passed away. At first, I went into a deep silence and just wanted to be alone to collect my thoughts. A sense of calm overcame me as I thought that Bill had just ended a spectacular journey we call life on earth. Bill and I often talked about our community, politics and of course, gossip. One thing is certain, I came to trust him like a father. In our last conversation he shared with me the fact that he decided not to undergo Chemotherapy while in the hospital. I refused to consider that he was telling me his time had come. Denial, as you know, is one of the first phases of dealing with grief. Ironically, as I checked my last email to him regarding Hotspots business, the subject line was “time to relax.” God knows, I did not want him to take it literally by going to his eternal resting place.
William Calcaterra, aka Pompano Bill, was born on January 12th, 1926 in Norway, Michigan. He had a normal childhood, however, as he matured, he realized that he was different. Back then the word gay wasn’t used, instead the word was “queer.” Growing up in such a small town of 3,728 people, he kept his difference suppressed.
He graduated high school in June of 1944 and was immediately inducted into the Navy, attended Radio Operator School in Madison, Wisconsin and was assigned to a ship in the Pacific Theatre. World War II ended and he returned to the U.S.
While still on active duty and stationed in San Francisco he stumbled into a bar on Market Street, not realizing it was a bar frequented by homosexuals, and was invited out for cocktails at the Saint Francis Hotel and treated to a weekend of fun and luxury. He saw that gentleman again during the week. Although he said the experience was amazing, shortly afterwards he got his discharge papers and returned home, where he again went into suppressing his desires. A year later, with the GI Bill, he went to Ferris State College and then moved to Detroit and completed his education at the Detroit Institute of Technology. It was in Detroit that he really discovered gay life.
While in Detroit he had his first relationship, which ended due to his partner being drafted for the Korean War. After graduating from college, he joined IBM (which Bill says stands for I’ve been moved) in 1951, where he stayed until retirement 36 years later in 1987. During his employment at IBM he made his way up to middle management and was transferred to many places throughout the country.
Eventually, Bill had the good sense to move to the Florida. After a few years he became bored and bought a camera. In 1992 he started his second career as a photographer and was published as Pompano Bill in Scoop Magazine. Since then he has worked for Outlook, Buzz, 411, Express, The Blade and, for the last dozen years or so he was very happy shooting exclusively for Hotspots Magazine. Over the years he has accumulated tens of thousands of pictures, which have become his life, he says they are like his friends. He had all his old photos organized in shoe boxes and digital images were stored on 2 computers. He often wondered what the stories were behind some of the people he captured on film when he looked back at them. As many of you know, Pompano Bill had a huge heart and donated much of his time to charities including Poverello, Tuesdays Angels, Broward House, The Pride Center and so many others.
Scott Holland once asked Pompano Bill: What are the benefits of living longer?
Bill replied: “You can teach an old dog new tricks, outliving a few assholes, the ability to meet and enjoy younger people…especially those that like to hear about gay history that I experienced.”
A CELEBRATION OF LIFE
Many have asked if funeral or memorial services will be taking place. One of Bill’s closest friends, Toni Barone, reminded me that he did not want anything special or grandiose after his passing. It is our understanding that a few family members will be arriving to discuss plans and we will announce the outcome of their decision the moment it happens. One thing is certain, if a celebration of life takes place, it will be one to remember!
Now, I find myself trying to fill yet, another hole in my heart…
A special thanks goes to Scott Holland for contributing the biographical content of this article
From a Grateful Community
Last week, our community lost an icon and friend. Bill touch many lives over the decades as he served our community, not only as a photographer but as a mentor and friend to many. With so many condolences still pouring in, we thought the best way to communicate our feelings just was to capture a few comments that capture the essence of a man who was loved and admired by so many:
Brad Casey: Dear Friend
It has been a day of reflection on my 27 year of friendship and association with Bill Calcaterra, Pompano Bill. It’s been a difficult day but I am at peace with his passing. Both Pompano and I knew his day of crossing the Rainbow were near. He was tired of fighting Cancer and loosing his eyesight. He now can see clearly and can rest. Thank You Pompano Bill for an amazing 27 years.
Richard Gray: Greater Fort Lauderdale CVB
He was an amazing man with an incredible zest for life.
Michael Goodman: Public Relations
He was so much a part of our community. I have very fond memories of him. He left his mark.
Billy Sand: Friend
R I P. Will always love him
Stephen R. Lang: Co-worker and dear friend
I don’t know what exactly to say and I have loved this man since the second time I met him. [The first time he did his groping thing.] We have had a wild ride standing next to and he ALWAYS looked out for me and making sure I was getting my shots and doing my job. I remember one of his BIGGEST warning about nightclubs was the smoke and how he got some sort of Cancer from it. He was a Trooper and loved my many–including myself. Una famiglia italiana e un dono di Dio.
Michael Albetta: Broward Sherriff Community Liaison
Memories captured from my dear good friend who now rests in Heaven, William “Bill” Calcaterra aka POMPANO BILL.. Our beloved LGBT community will miss him more than we think. Let’s honor one last request from Pompano Bill: GET OUT TO VOTE AND VOTE DEMOCRATIC!
Jose Javier: Friend
I think every gay man in South Florida has a picture taken by him. I never got a chance to have a long conversation with him, but the short chat after he had taken a picture where always nice. Will be missed. Rest in peace Pompano Bill Calcaterra.
Mike Trottier: Co-worker and dear friend
Pompano Bill…You can rest now my friend. Miss you already Peanut Butter!
Row lliescu: Equality Florida
Don’t be sad! Of course, we will miss you, Pompano Bill—but what a life you lived–an example to all of us to seize the day and make the most of every situation–or so it seemed. Indeed, the place won’t be the same without you, but it’s immeasurably better because of you. I look forward to celebrating your life with the throngs who adored you.
Steven Walker: Friend
I was in two of his photos in Hotspots Magazine. One all dressed up at The Opera Broward Center, the other less put together in the pool at Inn Leather-tee hee!
Ken Evans: Our Fund
Sad to learn of the passing of Pompano Bill. A wonderful friend to so many of us in the LGBTQ community. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Bill without a smile or his camera ready to take that perfect shot. He will be greatly missed by our community. Thank you for all the memories Pompano…Rest In Peace good friend.
Howard Andrew: Talent Scout
I found myself driving to Pompanos Bills house today, and sitting in the car outside of his home. Shaking my head for not stopping by earlier, and for always saying I’ll stop by tomorrow I’ll stop by tomorrow I’ll stop by tomorrow. We’ll, tomorrow has come and Bill has gone. Don’t wait to see friends and loved ones…. Don’t miss the chance to tell someone you love them. Life is short….. Rip Bill
Robin Bodiford: Attorney
I loved Pompano Bill. He had such a wonderful vibe and over the years such a big part of our community and also chronicled our community.
Kevin Clevenger, Poverello
Rest in peace Pompano Bill
Kenneth Flood: The Pub
So sad to hear of the passing of Pompano Bill Calcaterra. I have known this man pretty much since day one when I first moved to Fort Lauderdale. He was such a kind wonderful man. He always greeted me with a Hug & a Kiss(or three,LOL). I am saddened by the loss of this man, a treasure, R.I.P. my friend.
Daniel Curtis: Friend
I’m celebrating the life of my friend Mr Pompano Bill Calcaterra.
The Snapchat & Instagram of his time from the Golden Cost to the Golf Cost South Florida has been best pictured by you!
I’ll lend you my ear anytime! Thank you for for your gifts the smiles & magic in our memories! You’re having a great time in the afterlife this I’m sure!
Salute and cheers my friend…
Jim Libonati: Friend and former Hotspots Executive
I miss him very much; like others we had a great history as friends, and he was once my neighbor back in the late 80’s… RIP My dear Friend!
Gary Resnick: Mayor, Wilton Manors
“Our community has lost an Icon and a loving man who gave so much to so many”
Toni Barone: Close Friend, Community Leader
“How do you say goodbye to such an Icon? Our community will come together and heal but right now, we are still coming to terms with our loss.
Steve and Zak: Owners of Ramrod
We grieve the sudden loss of a long-time community member and dear friend
Michael Murphy: Photographer
I’m not sure how to express my love for Pompano, my own shortened nickname, in a paragraph. Over 25 years of sharing great images with one another, playfully bumping each other while shooting, comparing butts and bulges and yes telling secrets. I’m grateful that he had the best life, surrounded by so many people that loved him and that he loved even more. Many of us forget that when he was young and gay, he couldn’t be out.
So, his last 25 years, the 25 I got to enjoy alongside of him, truly were his Golden Years and he lived every minute to the fullest! I love you Pompano!
Watch for next week’s edition of Hotspots for a special photographic retrospective of Pompano Bill’s life and legacy.
from Hotspots! Magazine https://hotspotsmagazine.com/2018/10/25/community-celebrates-pompano-bill/
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Crossing Broad Week 1 Eagles Picks
We’re doing our picks a little different this year.
Thanks to our friends at Tropicana Atlantic City and Chalkline, we’ll be tracking our picks using one of their new games. We’ll give you our Eagles picks here with some commentary, but we’ll also be picking all the other NFL games from Tropicana’s given point spread on the games. If you’re still new to sports betting, catch up and be an expert.
And you can be part of the fun as well. Click the link to access our NFL Challenge and be eligible to win various prizes, such as free stays at the Tropicana Atlantic City, gift cards for their sports bars and restaurants, Amazon Echo Dots and much more! If you’re not sure about who to pick and want to see who everyone else picked, check out the consensus picks for each game. The picks are locked at kickoff. And after each week, check out the leaderboard and see where you rank alongside the rest of the Crossing Broad community. You have to be 21 or over to play.
Now onto the Birds, who kick off the regular season tonight against Atlanta. They’ll be starting Nick Foles at quarterback and have some questions at wide receiver to start the year. Atlanta comes in after losing to the Eagles in the NFC Divisional Round last year.
Our predictions are after the jump:
Chris: I don’t think the Birds will win the season opener. They’ll have some kind of Super Bowl celebration hangover and Nick Foles won’t be the Foles we saw during the playoffs. Being thin at wide receiver will hurt as well. I hate to be the negative one, but I do think Atlanta comes out on top. But it’s a marathon, not a race. Falcons 28, Eagles 17 (Falcons +1.5).
Jeff: They’re the defending champs. And yet they’re STILL underdogs. -1.5 AT HOME is a god damn slap in the face.
The banner is going up. They’re not losing this game, especially not to a dome team whose offense they’ve frankly dominated the last two times they played.
Nick will do just enough, Ajayi will have a big game, and my boy Clement will get into the endzone. Let the title defense begin. Eagles 27, Falcons 17 (Eagles -1.5).
Mike: Last time these two teams played each other the Eagles overcame two turnovers and a 10-9 halftime deficit to win the game 15-10 after the Falcons failed to convert four chances from inside the 10-yard line on their final drive. Let’s face it, the Eagles were VERY lucky to have won that game. If Julio catches that pass in the end zone (which he typically does 9 times out of 10), the Eagles don’t move on and eventually win the Super Bowl. It won’t change what happened, but Atlanta has a bad taste in their mouths and will no doubt be looking for some serious redemption by spoiling the Eagles SB festivities tonight.
All things considered, I just can’t buy that BDN will be even close to the same quarterback he was in the Super Bowl. He’s the type of QB who needs several games under his belt before he gets in a rhythm and gains confidence. Against a lesser team, the Eagles could probably squeak out a win, but not against a highly motivated Atlanta squad. The Falcons are strong on both sides of the ball and were good enough to go 5-3 on the road last season. With the Eagles being a little depleted, I’ll lean toward the Falcons to win this one on the road rather easily. Vegas seems to be leaning that way too. The line originally opened at Eagles -4. Today, some sports books have this game all the way down to a pick’em. Falcons 24, Eagles 13 (Falcons +1.5).
Tim: The Eagles defense has had success grounding the Falcons’ offensive attack the past two seasons. One question I have: will the Eagles’ advantage up front cover up the lack of depth in the linebacking corps and ease the secondary’s challenge of containing Julio Jones? If the front four cannot generate consistent pressure, Matt Ryan will have a field day.
On the other side of the ball, questions abound. Nick Foles looked terrible in preseason play, but the Eagles offense was operating with spare parts. I expect Foles to be more effective with the Ajayi-Clement-Sproles tandem at his disposal, plus a mostly healthy receiving corps. I will be most interested to see how the Eagles employ Zach Ertz and Dallas Goedert. It should be fun to watch. Bottom line: I’m taking the Eagles. Eagles 28, Falcons 24 (Eagles -1.5).
Coggin: Too many injuries for the Eagles. No Carson and no Alshon doth not make for an easy season opener against the Falcons. The Eagles lose this one (goddamnit I hope I’m wrong) and start the season off slowly, before catching fire in the second half and winning the NFC East with a 10-6 record. Falcons 20, Eagles 14 (Falcons +1.5).
Phil: For the past few weeks I have not been able to shake the feeling that the Eagles are going to split their first two games. Either they will lose at home to Atlanta, and then blast Tampa Bay down there, or they will ride the momentum of celebrating the Super Bowl title by beating Atlanta again, and then play poorly in Tampa in a classic trap game situation. The injury list for the Eagles coming into this game, combined with their absolutely destitute preseason performances, have left them a scant one-point favorite at home against a team they beat in the playoffs last season. I do not trust the Eagles nearly as much as I did in either the Minnesota or New England playoff games last year, because of the injuries and because we haven’t seen them try to win a game since the Super Bowl. But I just can’t take the Falcons on the road on opening night. That team can say all they want to about how blowing that 28-3 lead in the Super Bowl against the Patriots is deep in the past. Don’t you believe it. Some losses follow for you forever. That’s one of them. Eagles 26, Falcons 23 (Eagles -1.5).
Anthony: Last year, my Crossing Broad colleagues hated me. They never wanted me to pick the Eagles to win because it was sure to be wrong. That’s because I did pick the Eagles to lose more often than all of my other homer compatriots and I ended up being wrong a few times (don’t believe that final record, Chris refused to give me credit for picks made before I joined CB).
That said, I think this Eagles team wins 10-11 games and is back in the playoffs without much question. Now, we can sit here and nitpick on Good Foles vs. Bad Foles and wonder how Peters and Sproles will look and gee, will the receivers get open without Alshon on the field and oh my will Matty Ice take advantage of our miserable linebacker situation? But why go that deep into it? It’s Week 1 in the NFL. It’s sure to be very volatile. Good teams will lose. Bad teams will win. Barring catastrophic injuries it won’t have a major impact on January football. Just know, the Eagles are good, but so are the Falcons.
This will be a good game. A really good game. And when the Falcons win, a lot of old, familiar, negative feelings will flow through the veins Eagles fans. But don’t let it bother you. It’s only one game. Your team will be just fine. Trust me. Falcons 19, Eagles 17 (Falcons +1.5).
Bob: A few months ago, I figured everybody would still be riding the emotional wave of a Super Bowl win, overconfidently glossing over a very good and dangerous Falcons team in this game. Silly me.
I liked the Falcons in that context, but with half the city in a panic over the team’s sluggish preseason, many have already written this game off as a loss. I just don’t see it. The Eagles rode the disrespect angle hard last season, and I don’t see why they can’t do it again here. The short point spread concerns me, but I’ll take the better defense, one that has handled the Atlanta offense in each of the past two seasons, at home in front of a raucous crowd where the Eagles only lost one (meaningless) game a season ago. Eagles 23, Falcons 17 (Eagles -1.5).
Russ: I’ve gone back and forth on this every day for the last week. My typically cynical view of a new Eagles season has been tempered a bit. One on hand, the lack of Alshon Jeffrey could look large, while seasoned vets like Darren Sproles and Jason Peters will have some rust to knock off. Speaking of the latter, I am not a believer in a bounce back season. JP is an undisputed Hall of Famer, but I have no confidence in his ability to stay healthy nor operate on an island at left tackle. Can Jalen Mills stop Julio Jones? Will Matt Ryan take advantage of an Eagles linebacking corps without Nigel Bradham? When Kyle and I recorded Crossing Broadcast on Wednesday night, I said the Eagles would win close or lose big. But, it’s GameDay. Eagles 30, Falcons 24 (Eagles -1.5).
Kevin: Nick Foles struggles early without Alshon Jeffery while the rest of the offense knocks off the rust. The Birds defense and the ravenous crowd keeps the team in the game until Steve Sarkisian and Matt Ryan ultimately bottle it in the second half. Eagles 17, Falcons 14 (Eagles -1.5).
Kyle: Eagles 52, Falcons 0 (Eagles -1.5).
The post Crossing Broad Week 1 Eagles Picks appeared first on Crossing Broad.
Crossing Broad Week 1 Eagles Picks published first on https://footballhighlightseurope.tumblr.com/
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Shaqir Hussyin
Effective Home Tuition Service Academy
I do not know about you, however anything I get entangled in I go all the best way. For instance, in highschool I tried out for the observe crew and on a regular basis at apply I was getting ready to finish in first place.
After I took my first step on the street to wealth, my intention was to complete first. Wealth constructing is similar to track and area as a result of it takes preparation and observe. One has to exercise their mind and psychological muscle mass if they are to finish first and win the Gold as a wealth builder.
This reminds me of the time I was delivering a speech to and audience, throughout the query and reply interval a woman asked, "Are you rich?" I was not surprised by her query because it comes up usually throughout query and reply classes.
I responded by saying, "Yes I am rich." The audience said, "Wow!" The fact of the matter is I'm rich, nevertheless my street to wealth was anything however smooth.
Initially, I grew up in abject poverty, one in all nine youngsters born to two very laborious working parents employed by a tobacco manufacturing unit. As written in my e book, Residing on Larger Floor .I stated we have been so poor we spelled it roop, which is poor spelled backwards.
I thank God for that experience as a result of it taught me learn how to overcome poverty by altering my ideas and making good sound selections about money. Rising up in poverty is hard and I do not advocate anyone try it to see what it is like, belief me it was a memorable episode in my life.
Constructing wealth has every thing to do with the way you think and the alternatives you make. What do I mean by this?
Like all issues in life when confronted with a reality we have to deal with it. In other phrases, how we handle poverty is more vital than the fact.
As a child I noticed two hard working dad and mom work at the similar firm for 28 and 27 years respectively. My mother and father didn't complain despite the very fact their employers have been racist and prejudice in direction of them.
My mother and father didn't give a damn about racism or prejudice as a result of that they had nine kids to raise and they did it. Even though we did not have a lot of money we had one thing extra essential than cash, we have been taught how you can make something out of nothing and to be able to accomplish this you must think otherwise, make good selections and take decisive action.
One thing out of nothing is known as willpower to succeed irregardless of the obstacles life throws at you. In other phrases, no one ever mentioned life was going to be easy, you simply will need to have a plan to take care of the pitfalls.
Overcoming quicksand in life might be decided by the solution you come up with to resolve your monetary shortfalls. Living proof, I used to be the primary little one in a family of nine youngsters to earn a high school diploma. Neither my mother and father, nor their dad and mom earlier than them had an opportunity to finish faculty as a result of they were trying to survive a life of poverty.
I decided to attend faculty after incomes my highschool diploma, however I only had $300.00 I acquired from relations throughout my graduation ceremony. The defining moment in my life came once I was hired to work at the recreation division in my hometown in rural North Carolina.
Reflecting on the summer of 1976, I made $600.00 so as to add to the $300.00 I obtained at commencement. My dad and mom didn't have any money to give me for faculty, so I made a decision to apply for instructional grants and was in a position to safe funding all 4 years.
To maintain myself by school, a buddy of the family hired me to develop into an apprentice in his electrical business, it was electrifying to say the least. I did what I had to do to earn money so I might eat, purchase books, and buy a automobile to get to work.
As you may see the obstacles I faced throughout school was known as "lack." I overcame lack by believing in one thing larger than myself,. I believed I might overcome poverty through education and dealing and these choices made the entire distinction in my life.
In 1977, the summer previous to my sophomore 12 months I went again to my hometown and was employed to work in a manufacturing unit, it lasted all of three weeks. A week later I received a call from United Parcel Service (UPS), however I did not have a automotive to get to work as a result of it was 50 miles away.
One in every of my neighbors was a widow and owned a car but couldn't drive because of her medical situation. She allowed me to make use of her car until I might afford to buy my own. I worked at UPS for 3 1/2 years loading, unloading, and sorting parcels and was capable of sustain myself by school.
That is not all, because of my good grades in college I used to be given a chance to attend a United States Air Drive (USAF) fundamental coaching camp. Fundamental coaching lasted six weeks and after completing the program, I joined the Air Power Junior Reserve Officers Training Corps (AFROTC) two year program, it paid $one hundred.00 monthly.
I graduated with educational honors and was a distinguished graduate of AFROTC. Upon graduation I was commissioned a second lieutenant within the USAF.
On my highway to wealth I served over 20 years within the USAF, retiring within the rank of lieutenant colonel. Over the course of my navy career I lead individuals and managed billion dollar programs for the United States of America.
Over a 20 yr time frame, I invested in real estate, stock, and purchased varied insurance coverage insurance policies. I retired from the USAF over 5 years ago and as we speak I am financially impartial and unemployable.
In 2002, I founded Laurel Wreath Communications Inc, a professional talking, training, and consulting firm. In 2004 I based Laurel Wreath Publishing and founded the Paul Lawrence Vann Basis a 501(c)(3) not for profit academic group to show monetary literacy and authorship..
My ardour for real estate investing resulted in me founding Pinnacle Real Estate Investments, LLC shaqir hussyin scam and the Wealth Constructing Academy. As you can see, my street to wealth was anything but easy.
One might say I was not born with a silver spoon in my mouth, nonetheless right this moment I am residing a top quality of life with my wife and kids and wouldn't have it some other method.
I owe my wealth to my mother and father who taught me sturdy dedication and to make good selections for my life. i also thank all the people who supported me along the way in which and my wife who loves and helps me.
Even though your highway to wealth will take different turns than mine, I don't need you to ever surrender on believing that you simply should be wealthy. If I used to be able to overcome abject poverty and turn into wealthy, you can do the same factor. Prosperity and wealth is yours as long as you make clever choices alongside the way in which.
Who doesn't wish to be rich? The pursuit of wealth is a ardour that drives many individuals. This is why many people in the company world burn themselves out as they run the rat race and climb the corporate ladder. For this reason people with the most mediocre of skills would endure embarrassment simply to make it massive in present business. That is why folks gamble at casinos or purchase lottery tickets. These are the traditional paths that folks take with a view to strike at wealth.
There isn't any shortcut to being rich - or so the sages say. If you want to be wealthy, it's important to work hard. But what if we show the sages fallacious and say that there's a shortcut to attaining riches? There is a confirmed manner of incomes money in such a manner that you get to do the work only once. After you've done the work, all you should do is to sit back and watch your earnings grow exponentially.
If you want to learn the way this shortcut works, then it's a must to enroll in a wealth schooling program.
Why Enroll in a Wealth Creation Schooling Program?
Standard knowledge teaches us that right after we graduate from school, we've to try to get a great job that pays rather well. As soon as we scored this job, we have now to work hard to maintain this job and to get promoted to the next level until we reach the top stage on the company ladder. After we retire from the careers we have now built for ourselves, we can benefit from the fruits of our labor.
But why wait until we're 65 years old to take pleasure in life when we can do it much, a lot earlier? Life is a journey that have to be executed slowly and leisurely, or else we'll miss out on the attractive moments we could have savored alongside the best way. Do now we have to attend until we are 65 years old to have the ability to journey the world? Do we now have to attend till retirement to have the ability to bask in the warmth of our families, to read the books that we want to learn when we wish to learn them, to dwell our lives the way we had at all times needed however couldn't as a result of we are so busy with our jobs?
Life doesn't have to be the rat race. If you enroll in a wealth creation training program, you'll find out the ways you'll be able to stop running the rat race and stroll alongside the path of life with out having to fret about cash.
Be taught to Create Passive Income utilizing a Wealth Education Program
There are a lot of things you'll study once you get in a wealth training program, however the important thing concept is that you would be able to be wealthy now and stay the life you suppose you might be presupposed to reside by growing passive revenue. Passive earnings is the fruit of work you'll only do as soon as after which get pleasure from for the rest of your life.
The reply to the question is Yes! it's doable to create Wealth On-line at home. With the precise steering and the proper instruments you could be well in your strategy to building a successful on-line wealth business.
There has by no means been a greater time to start out your own business working from the consolation of your private home.
With all of the economic uncertainties across the globe, now is the time to show in direction of creating your individual success.
The most important obstacle most internet entrepreneurs face is weeding via the a whole lot of thousands of alternatives out there on the internet in the present day. Let's face it, discovering the correct wealth on-line system could be a very tedious and time consuming activity. Just what number of scams have you ever come across the place you might be promised massive giant pay-days for only some hours work? You already know what I'm talking about. There are such a lot of individuals on the market doing there greatest to take your hard earned money off you, and might I add, a few of them do a fantastic job too. Some programs provide nearly too good to be true choices but we nonetheless fall for it and hand over our cash in a blink of a watch, only to search out that we've been scammed AGAIN!
The reality of the matter is, there isn't any simple solution to create wealth online at house. There may be nothing in life that we achieve, with out the suitable quantity of dedication arduous work. Identical goes for constructing a web-based enterprise. It should take dedication and a concerted effort to attain your aim to attain wealth on-line at dwelling. The key is finding the precise wealth online system or program that can train you the abilities and techniques you want, to be successful.
Building an internet business shouldn't be much totally different from constructing an offline enterprise. You continue to need the following:
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three. A means to advertise and deliver your product or service to your customer
four. A billing account the place your customer can deposit his/her money too
5. A means to advertise and reach your goal buyer
The move of enterprise stays the identical, it's simply the principles and methods that differ. There are a variety of applications accessible on the internet immediately that can train you step by step how you can construct your on-line wealth enterprise. The challenge just comes when trying to find the precise wealth online academy that may suit your needs.
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Panic Attacks While Driving
New Post has been published on http://keyofprosperity.com/panic-attacks-while-driving/
Panic Attacks While Driving
My panic attacks while driving were the strangest thing. There were roads that I couldn’t drive. These roads were just completely off-limits. Stoplights would send me into a full on panic attack, I had to avoid those at all costs. Distance from my home bothered me and was always nagging in the back of my mind. Somedays I would feel extremely claustrophobic in my vehicle and need to get out, opening a window did help with this. But the biggest problem that I faced was driving alone in my car. Who would take over when I couldn’t manage anymore? Also, to make matters worse, I had terrible anxiety when somebody else would drive. The two worked against each other. Overall, my panic attacks while driving were brought on by a combination of these irrational thoughts that I’d turned into realities. The absolute worst-case scenario for me would be one of the following scenarios. (of course I had worst-case scenarios, that’s what us anxious people do, we dwell on things that never happened/won’t happen. I couldn’t tell you how many times I’ve had cancer, heart-attacks and strokes. Several times daily, each time morning my “inevitable” death. But more on that another time!)
Worst Case Panic Attack Driving Scenarios
Driving alone and being sandwiched in between cars at a stop light.
Same situation, but stuck in construction.
On an interstate where I can’t turn around and the next exit is greater than a 10 minute drive.
Breaking down.
I can’t tell you how much time and energy that I’ve put into these. Over and over again, I’d go through them. Wondering how I ever used to be able to drive in my car before, without having panic attacks. I also suffer from low blood sugar, so not having food in my car was just simply something that I’d never go through again (I didn’t eat for an entire day once, and nearly passed out from low blood sugar. I got food at a gas station (nice gas station) and was instantly ok, but in my mind…I almost died.)
Panic Attacks When Driving Alone
This is a hard one to overcome. My mindset was like this, “Who will takeover for me when I can’t?”. Obviously there are all kinds of bad things that happen to people when driving alone. When I first started having driving anxiety, I decided to venture out for a drive by myself. On this particular day, I was feeling massively stressed and overly anxious. But, I ventured out. I kept driving up the road. I got about 10 minutes from my home. I suddenly realized that I couldn’t do it anymore. Exactly what, I’m not sure…But I needed to NOT BE WHERE I WAS…RIGHT NOW! I had the panic attack of all panic attacks, with heart palpitations so intense that I thought I was having a heart attack. Let me tell you….I was certain that death was easier than getting home. I actually considered it for a minute, that’s how bad this panic attack was. I turned around instantly and started home. My arms were shaking so badly, I could barely drive my car. Mind you, this is the first time that I had ventured out since I started having panic attacks while driving. I started praying to God in the absolutely most frantic way possible. Almost screaming my prayers in complete terror. Looking back, it would have almost been somewhat comical to have watched, but at the time it was one of my worst panic attacks. I felt completely vulnerable. It really did me in.
Overcoming Driving Anxiety
Here’s how I overcame it. First thing. Before you start working on your panic attacks, you need to start taking Vitamin B-100 and Magnesium (I take 1,000 twice daily). The Magnesium will eventually get rid of your heart palpitations and ALL anxious people are lacking B-100s (there’s at least two that you are low in [B6 and B12], but I’d suggest taking the B-100 for it all. Give yourself two weeks, so that you start getting a buildup. You’ll notice gradual changes in your mind and body. These two supplements work like black-magic when it comes to curing panic attacks naturally (or at least making them more manageable).
Once you’ve been taking those vitamins for a few weeks, it’s time to start facing your fear head-on. You need to get in your car and go up the road, but just a little bit. Talk about what you are doing, where you are going. Really go through it. Here’s what I did.
I’m driving up the road. This is easy. Nothing is required of me.
I like to drive. Look at that tree. That’s a nice tree.
The sun, clouds and sky are nice, what a nice day.
Other people are doing this. I can do this. There’s no expectations.
The idea is to keep going through the simplicity and how nice it is to drive. Always try to find something good in a situation that makes you uncomfortable. In time, you will enjoy more and more of the uncomfortable situation. My favorite thing to do used to be to go for a drive. Ironically, it became the thing that I most feared.
Slowly ease your way into driving. Don’t expect miracles. If you get in the car and have a bad panic attack and you’ve barely went anywhere, remember…you DID try! That’s huge!!! Do NOT focus on your setbacks. If you keep telling yourself how you can’t do it, you’ll get obsessed with the negativity and also negatively reinforcing yourself. The goal is to do little things. It’s practicing, it’s mental conditioning. If you’ve been having panic attacks all day, don’t try driving that day (if you can).
The Cause of My Driving Anxiety
My driving anxiety was odd. I’d been working from home for about 5 years. Each time I would get in the car, my kids would fight. The car TV would be on, they’d have their iPads. My wife would turn on music and somehow expect me to be able to block everything out and have a conversation with her. Time after time, it was the same situation. One day, I was at a traffic light near my home. That was it. I HAD to get out of the car. At first I just couldn’t handle red lights. Then it was just being in the car. I associated the car with my problems and it was an extension of the other issues going on in my life at the time (losing a job, no income, trying to keep my house, racking up credit card debt, no money to pay taxes, not being able to find another job, going through the worst depression that I’d ever been through). I felt like I needed to be home to solve my problems (income in my case) and when I was away from home, it was wrong and I needed to get back to the safety of my house. This may or may not make sense to you, you may relate or not…but this was my reality.
What I Did to Cure my Driving Anxiety
Every road that bothered me, I tried to take. I would purposely drive roads with stop lights (when I felt “brave” enough). I told myself that my car was my safe place and that my car was an extension of my home. I would bring food with me in the car, just in case I would break down. I’m not saying that I didn’t get panic attacks and heart palpitations at red lights, but I slowly started to accept them. Depending on how rattled my brain was on a given day was how I felt about the red light, either I could take it or I couldn’t. Ultimately, I had to fix my underlying issues before I felt ok in the car.
I started applying for jobs. It gave me a sense of purpose, like I was doing something to help my family. My background is in Computer Science, so working remotely was a real possibility. Once I got things working out with my underlying issue, I was able to drive. That’s the big thing that I learned about panic attacks and anxiety, you’ll get anxious about something that is completely unrelated to the root of your anxiety. Why would driving anxiety be related to no income. The two don’t have anything in common, but somewhere in my mind I put the two together. You have to start clearing your mind to get to the root of your problems. Sometimes it takes a long time to realize why you are having “generalized anxiety”, but once you can start facing it you WILL get better.
Remember, nothing lasts forever. Even the bad eventually goes away. If you can proactively work at it, you’ll get back to being able to drive. I never thought I’d be able to even walk out of my house into my front yard. I had BAD panic attacks all the time. But here I am, I can even cross the road now (lol). Don’t let you driving anxiety get the better of you, in time you’ll start looking at it differently and realize that you can actually enjoy driving instead of dreading it!
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Beating Depression without Prescriptions
New Post has been published on https://wholerestart.com/beating-depression-without-prescriptions/
Beating Depression without Prescriptions
I was angry. I had this feeling of simmering rage always below the surface. Compounding that was my constant worrying about things that were outside of my control. I wasn’t sleeping well and I felt like I was on the brink of tears a lot. The anxiety was like an animal trying to claw its way out of me. I didn’t feel like I could control it. I didn’t even like myself.
If you’ve ever experienced any of these feelings there are many things that could individually or collectively contribute to feelings of Depression or Anxiety.
It’s important to understand some of the reasons that may cause this. Here are a few.
Reasons you have Anxiety or Depression
Life– I mean we’ve all been through some stuff. Haven’t we? You have a new baby, you have a toddler, you have a teenager…your spouse isn’t perfect, your new boss is a jerk, your loved one passed away. There is a lot coming at us, all of the time and in high-speed format thanks to technology. Life can at times leave us in a state of sadness, anxiety, and despair.
Vitamin Deficiency– Our bodies need good levels of many different types of vitamins in order for it to run optimally. If you’re feeling sad and it doesn’t seem to go away this may be the first place to have someone check. Low levels of Vitamin B or low levels of magnesium, for example, may cause you to feel depressed or anxious. I recommend reading the book A Mind of Your Own. Dr. Kelly Brogan does an incredible job of explaining this and what to ask your doctor to look for and why.
Food Allergies or Sensitivity– What you’re eating can make a significant difference in how you’re feeling. My oldest son, for example, has severe focus issues when he eats dairy. When we remove it from his diet he does much better in school. He has no other outward signs of an issue with dairy, but when tested there was a clear sensitivity to it.
Certain medications you may be taking: Kelly Brogan also explains this in her book. I found that when I took Prilosec for acid reflux, my depression symptoms worsened. Likely caused by it leaching Vitamin B from my system.
Faulty mood regulation in the brain: Yes, maybe. Although the research I have done suggests this may be less likely than the others. However, some simply have an issue regulating all of those important chemicals in our bodies that are responsible for happiness.
How I overcame Depression & Anxiety naturally
There are so many variables that this is why it is so critical to get help. You can’t do this alone and shouldn’t. There is someone out there who can help you and you will be glad that you found them. Don’t try to live with it or deal with it. If you feel like you have a problem get help.
Through my work with my holistic medicine doctor, I have done a number of things which make a big difference for me. I feel happy, I laugh again. My relationships have improved. My ability to cope with difficult situations has improved. You can feel better too.
What I did was change the way I ate and lived. I’ve learned a lot along my journey but below are some of the most important things I did first that you may find helpful.
First, I went Whole30 for thirty days: Oh friends, it was tough at first. I had the worst headache I have ever had for about three days. I cold turkey stopped eating: Gluten, Dairy, Alcohol, Caffeine, Sugar, Starch, Beans….etc. I went to Grass-fed meat, cage-free eggs, vegetables, and water.
Within a month I was off Prilosec (Acid-reflux), Lexapro (depression), and Zyrtec (allergies).
I was no longer choking on my food, from the acid reflux which had damaged my esophagus you can read that scary story here. The tissue started to heal and I could swallow steak again, yeah!
I started taking CereVive and Adpaten-all which are two natural supplements that work wonders for me. If I stop taking them for 24 hours I can feel some of the old irritation coming back. These have been an absolute God-send for me. The prescription medication for depression made me gain weight and when I tried to lose it, I literally couldn’t. It also gave me terrible night sweats that the Doctor told me I would get used to eventually. Really?
CereVive helps me feel happier. It also improves my focus and concentration. My 13-year-old actually takes it for focus as well. I take two in the morning.
The Adapten-all helps with anxiety. It makes my brain stop spinning with worry. It also got rid of the irritability and anger I often felt. I take two in the morning and one around dinner time. The one around dinner time helps me to avoid waking in the middle of the night worrying about something.
When I was done with Whole30, I switched to Paleo. The only modification I make to Paleo is that I do eat white potatoes because of the research that Kelly Brogan has done on resistant starches and how important they are for your body. On a very rare occasion, I eat rice or rice noodles.
I exercise three days per week for about one hour. I want to be clear about my exercise, it is not fluffy or easy. I do both cardio and weights at every workout and I sweat and I’m sore every time. At a minimum, my workouts burn 450 calories and at a maximum, I’ve burned 600+ calories. Note that your weight is going to be a determining factor in how many calories you burn in any workout. I am about 5’6” and weigh around 130lbs. If you weigh more, you would burn more calories, if you weigh less than you would burn fewer calories if you did the same workout.
I use OrangeTheory two times per week and my own copycat OT workout the third day. You can read my article about OT here.
Exercise is an important contributor to a lot of things but it has been shown to help with both depression and anxiety. I know you didn’t want to hear me say that, it’s no fun but the health, mental, and immune benefits that come from exercise are absolutely critical to you feeling like your best you.
Last, since I started this I do not get sick. I almost feel like I should knock on wood, but I do not catch common colds, flu or other things that go around all winter. At most, I might feel like I’m coming down with something for one day and feel a bit tired. I just never get the full-blown bug. It’s an unexpected bonus because who has time to be sick?
These things have all made such a difference for me that it makes it easy to want to continue. If you are interested in eating differently I’ve posted some of my favorite recipes here.
You can join my mailing list to keep updated on my journey and any new recipe’s that I post.
As always you can post questions in the comment section or contact me directly. I am always happy to share my experience with others.
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Poetry Self-Publishing Project
All eight poems I have written are below; contest entry screenshots provided below as well.
Genesis
The biblical story of Adam and Eve
depicts the fall of the rebel angels
created by God to only grieve
the apple of temptation rang like bells.
Eaten, was the forbidden fruit
and all of mankind was inevitably cursed
The loss of our purity was resolute
and this tragedy could not be reversed.
The truth is there, but we can not see
the truth in ourselves, something we need
is what we believe, what we had to be
thoughts planted by you with a small, tiny seed.
The apple, which represented our lies
was dropped, when you covered my eyes.
Veni Vidi Amavi
I came and found out
sometimes home wasn’t four walls
but two, pretty eyes.
I saw, and I turned
people into homes, only
to end up homeless.
And I loved; before
they all left me. I’ve always
been alone and scared.
Birth
(Found Poetry – Demian by Hermann Hesse)
Who would be born must first destroy a world.
Every individual must destroy before he can become himself.
Never in my life had I felt so distressed,
Never had I felt more hopeless, more enslaved.
I realized the futility of these prayers.
I was mentally prepared to take my life at some point.
I try again and again to pick the flowers
that grow in the midst of hell.
There are numerous, mysterious things with a face that obey the laws.
Others sense their own laws within them.
Sooner or later, each of us must take the step
that separates him from his father,
from his mentors.
And a recurring nightmare
led me on to commit the most horrible crimes –
a murderous assault on my father.
I was in the hands of fate and it was useless to try to escape.
3AM
Your words were like vodka
almost too strong for me to take.
You seemed bitter but you smelled like vanilla
in the end it was all the same.
Silent need for approval but never getting much.
But you, my love, were different;
there was no bite to that bark
and you taught me how to touch.
Anger was just a way
to hide all the pain,
and I’ve realized that anger can be killed
by a soft, sweet kiss in the rain.
Our fingers fit like puzzle pieces
and despite the world and their cursing
our love only increases.
You cured my Monday Blues
and each time I craved that love
you satisfied my fuse.
And at this time, on this day
through all my anger and confusion,
my words are pained but worst of all true,
It’s 3AM and I love you.
Honesty
The only ones who are admirable, who are beautiful
are the people that died.
The rest of us are petty, stupid,
and vulgar as we grovel on the ground,
desperately trying to stay alive.
But you were like a sunflower,
always gazing towards the sun with neither hate nor regret.
Yes, you were petty, stupid,
but definitely not vulgar.
Even through strong winds and heavy rain,
you continued to look up and smile
patiently bearing the pain.
You waited every night for the sun to shine once again.
It’s hard to head straight towards a goal
if you’re not quite sure what you want.
But you never lost track;
you knew what you wanted from the start.
You wanted the sun, the warmth,
but it was something he couldn’t give.
It was something I, couldn’t give
because I was petty, stupid,
and the most vulgar of them all.
Tea and Honey
Together, we found love
Ending our streaks of lonely
And sleepless nights.
Amazed by how each touch
Never failed to send electricity down our spines.
Dreams blossomed like the petals of a flower.
How bittersweet it was to feel lonely
On days you were not near but
No darkness could last forever,
Especially when you would come back home
Yearning my warmth.
Apple of Youth
I know it’s pathetic to not have a dream like everyone
but if I did what I was told, I thought I’d be okay.
To walk a traditional career path,
to go to a traditional college,
I thought it’d be okay.
The me who believed in those words were an idiot.
They pushed me hard and tried to make me believe
that my only purpose as a student
was to sacrifice everything I had.
Though it wasn’t just me,
it sure felt like it.
It seemed like everything was about fighting
and competing with one another.
Even your closest friends were your enemies
as they meddled in your way to success
by demanding your time
or by planting self-doubts inside of you.
This obsession with education was killing us -
killing young people full of talents and potentials
by making them think they were not good enough
and never will be.
“Pull yourself together,”
were easier said than done.
We’ve all tried to vent out our anger
but if you’ve only got yourself,
what was the point?
Such problems seem huge to me now but several years later
perhaps I wouldn’t write with such words I do now.
But the problems I’ve faced won’t seem any smaller
just because I have overcame them.
Though I cannot stop myself from changing as I age,
as I accumulate more experience on my shoulders,
I can promise that the memories of unfairness I had felt
will not be forgotten by the passing of time.
Things don’t become more ‘right’ the older I get.
I won’t sit back and roll with the punches
but rather, create a conscience to the murders of the youth
during their most beautiful moments in life.
Growth
The time we called puberty
I had nothing to fear.
A few defeated battles
wasn’t too much for me to handle.
But as I grew older,
the root of my creativity has tasted
the bitterness and dirt of this world.
Sorrow created me,
but the taste of failure and frustration
were like energy drinks that fueled me.
“We are too young and immature to give up,”
I had those words engraved in my chest.
Your beginnings will seem humble
so prosperous will your future be.
You may say I couldn’t do it
but it’s because I didn’t.
So forward will I go,
to show those who prayed for my downfall
that I can be better than them
in every aspect of my life.
–
Contest Entries
-
http://cty.jhu.edu/imagine/guidelines/contest/creativeminds.html
Submitted Genesis, Honesty, 3AM, and Growth.
-
http://www.vancouvertagoresociety.org/
Submitted Veni Vidi Amavi.
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