#good fuck help me i could go on forever

[macroglossus]

being evaluated for adhd by having one of those full psych evals that last like two hours. scared frightened etc.... last time i took it i lied extensively bc i was 13 and thought they might tell my mommy if i said i had suicidal thoughts. and i still have a habit of lying to therapists bc i'm embarrassed......... AGH idk. what if i take it and they tell me that the reason im Like This is bc im genuinely just weird and shitty and not bc im mentally ill at all. SCARED

#which is dumb bc i have been formally diagnosed with multiple mental illnesses i dont think they can just take it back right????? #this is so stupid and cliche but what if i have been faking it........ all along........ Argh. #when i was in res i was put on adderall (bc the house psych just kind of experimented w meds LMFAO) and i had to go off them after like #two weeks bc it was affecting my appetite in a way i couldnt afford at the time lmao. but i do genuinely feel like it helped during that #time.... which is why i want to go on it again!!!! but im scared theyll just be like nah and i wont be able to take any of my meds anymore #is that crazy. am i being crazy rn. idk i truly do think most of my experiences w school and like. life could be explained by adhd and #when i was a kid they thought i had it but the two meds they tried didnt work for me so they just. kind of gave up #and i was really extremely unable to do school and graduated hs w an insanely low gpa and then dropped out of community college. LMAO. not #that people w adhd cant be good in school i just couldnt make myself do homework and couldnt listen in class bc i was too busy focusing on #listening. if that makes sense #IDK. idk. i know it's become like. a trend to have adhd is the issue and everything is being attributed to having it so im worried that ive #like. accidentally fallen in w that? even though ive thought i had it for forever and everyone has been like girl do you have this. IDK!!!! #idk. idkkkk im just like. genuinely scared. it's not the end of the world if im not diagnosed obviously but that means that #im just like this for no reason at all. and there's no way of helping it bc it's just the way i am. and i actually am just shitty n lazy. #epic. which incidentally is the proper name for how fucking long these tags are my bad. if you read this far sorry for being insane 👍

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#head instructor to the TAs in the lab section i TA for: how r u guys feeling abt the workload? #me who hasnt graded anything since week 1 and spent an hr that morning filling out a patient safety plan: 🙃 #listen. we r experiencing symptoms that make us shitty at our job. which is not helpful for a positive outlook #i was also experiencing horrible cramps at the time bc i lost my ibuprofen and 2 days ago i stopped the birth control in a desperate effort #to stop feeling terrible. but in this moment i feel alright. its wild to go from drastically unhappy to like lol wtf was that? anyway stop #being a bby loser. for no obvious reason. im gonna start the birth control again to see if i get depressed again or if that was just me lol #i dont think my therapist understands the depth of my executive functioning issues tho. bc im a grad student and can meet deadlines. like #let me tell u im a fucking disaster abt starting things. i will go back and forth and get nothing done forever. or i do things halfway and #make everything 30 times more difficult later bc no one else understands how my brain works #ah well. itll b fine. sometimes i just get freaked out that i wanna b better and i dont kno how to do that. so i spiral in despair a lil #ill b fine. im good at catching myself before i get too out of control. annoyingly tho i am not currently beating the bip0lar allagations #bc whatever tf is wrong with me i do probably fit the diagnostic criteria for bip0lar 2. i dont kno y that freaks me out so much. i guess #its bc it feels like something i cant just make better thru force of will and i grew up in a home that was very obsessively #health conscious to the point my dad gets anxious abt taking a single ibuprofen. so like ive been conditioned to get freaked out by #medication. literally my grandma will call me and tell me to b suspicious of doctors and to not take medicine unless absolutely necessary. #like lady u r the genetic reason i have 0cd shut the fuck up. also it feels like something that would more negatively affect how ppl think #of u than saying oh yea i get depressed or i have anxiety. like the connotation feels worse im used to just telling ppl whatever tf #my problem is. so the idea of holding something back feels weird. which annoys me bc i dont think there should b so much of a stigma. its #bullshit. anyway idk. im tired. i was trying to think of a comfort tv show with my therapist and all i could think was the terror #when im depressed i wanna watch those English mother fuckers suffer and die. i just lov that show so much. harry g00dsir my beloved. the #most me coded character to ever exist #unrelated

[arthur-r]

what’s really embarrassing is my roommate on the phone with his mom saying “yeah i’ve been getting really sloppy i haven’t cleaned in a week it’s terrible” and my side of the room is just like that. all of the time. and i feel guilty but he also hasn’t ever said anything to my face he moved my stuff some at the beginning of the year but has never talked to me about it and i’m also so fucking ill that i just cant really handle adding that to my list while trying to also not fail school. so here i am being a terrible person i guess. did i tell you guys about turtle-person. have i showed my bracelets. i’m gonna go to sleep but in the morning i need to show my bracelets

#help i have work tomorrow. i also feel sick and strange. wish me luck #the sun was around today which was incredible but also i think it gave me too much mental energy #cause for the first time in forever i had the brightness of spirit to go for a walk. but that’s not the same as having the blood flow for it #so i think i overexerted myself cause of being finally happy and mentally energized i forgot about being physically disabled #i also had to explain POTS to somebody today and she was literally like ‘oh is that the thing where you need to have salt’ and NO like #i do have a really high salt intake to cope with POTS. but that���s not the fucking thing yknow?? like no that’s not what the thing i have is #it has nothing to do with salt. salt is a fun little coincidence that it can help with water retention which in turn helps with POTS #and it raises blood pressure is i think the other reason? but anyway idk i would honestly rather she just not know about it than have like #that very particular tiktok version of it like i am so glad for internet knowledge being spread and stuff and i mean. i guess even the posts #that i’m about to complain about are good for making people feel like they’re not alone. so maybe it’s fine. but i was going to complain of #the videos that are like ‘‘that one POTS friend’’ and it’s just like. salty food. instead of like. having to sit down?? BEING FATIGUED?? #and like whatever. whatEVER but i wish it wasn’t getting conflated with one particular little way of treating it. even though i use that way #i don’t have needs-a-lot-of-salt-disease. like that’s not the point. that’s not the issue. it’s not a salt deficiency. salt just helps #and it doesn’t FIX it. it just helps. that’s all #ANYWAY EVERYTHING IS FINE. i feel sick though. but i’m gonna sleep and i’ll be fine #i miss before i had a job cause then i could sleep all day if i skipped class and it would be really nice. but now i have a job i would be #missing on my responsibilities for. and I don’t actually have accommodations. but im gonna sleep i’ll be fine #and library book cart is actually so rollator. like as far as being able to walk the library situation is such a win #anyway i’m gonna go to sleep now. but yeah idk i’m sick and a mess what else is new. but i have something whatever i’m good theres something #unrequited love for life or something like that. ok im gonna go to bed sorry for being weird and strange all the time!!!! #me. my post. mine. #delete later

[unproduciblesmackdown]

as ever like: no two things Need to be juxtaposed, much less like material vs material deathmatch Only One Can Be Good, much less am i thinking i have thee objective word on fuckall b/c who does and it's like perfectly boring & unserious whenever someone just throws out Takes that are just "i think...[xyz] is [adjective]" like okay.

but anyways thinking of how, though differing in execution in a lot of ways ofc, deh & bmc start out in a v similar place & explore a journey to self-acceptance from a despairing starting point....it feels like a lot of the hindrance in deh's exploration of its own Theme there is in like, hey. :) hand on your shoulder. it's okay b/c you'll be able to be more normal. whereas w/bmc it's that it's okay b/c you'll be able to be more abnormal

#like hell yeah. and Normality is fake the way that things like Gender is fake so. what's more universally relevant here #versus like. the idea that a winning takeaway re: deh is Talking With Your Parents / Kid like #yeah that could be an improvement? in other situations; that Talking is dangerous &/or just not going to happen / be irrelevant #meanwhile nobody is ''normal'' & the idea of Normality & its Moral Goodness / Requirement does affect everyone #meanwhile that bmc is clear on jeremy's gaining supportive relationships means support for his relationship w/himself #whilest he's also able to feel better insulated from feeling Defined by whatever instance of feedback/input #whereas with deh it's like. All These People....but log off & all you need is at least one parent who doesn't hate you No Matter What #including your unfortunate abnormality....Just(tm) make the phone calls am i right? well now he at least has a part time job #meanwhile difficult to compare w/e's going on w/zoe/evan vs mpdg4mpdg jeremy/christine. latter are cute & a coherent relationship #former are [nothing] to [i'm taking psychic damage] & fuck if i know what's going on besides The Ultimate Romance(tm) (negative) #he was a boy she was a girl they could politely tolerate each other's presence. maybe forever :') #i really don't know what's supposed to be going on there so like. for real share Any reasons you like each other in Either love song abt it #anyways like No Need To Compare but for me the juxtaposition is natural b/c it Does feel like they can be looked at re: a v similar Essence #but one is fumbling around w/it & really Not sticking the landing especially while the other just does exactly what it's trying to do #and ofc it could only help that deh had to go so far from the original [???] ideas & more Farcical approach #vs i don't think bmc's envisioning ever changed so fundamentally along its development at any point #like deh's story does feel like it still has the remnants of the earlier farcier versions even in its bway form #story of A Bunch Of Wild Shit Happens To Our Protag Whaaat & sure ppl are humanized but you still never made room for like a quarter of the #alana & jared? they're alright but they died #anyways & in all these things it's like It's Not A Big Deal lol i am not here to strive to have thee true & final word #right tf on if you as well know them both & like deh more / think It was the more successful execution of its story #though i have natural enemies like say [trt loyalists who are Like That] or forever [deh haters who are Like That]....we're different #erased a tangent also mentioning how i like the Parent Approach of mr. heere's arc better than any parents in deh lol. like of course #it's Not about his Feelings or being Imperfect or Human. like ofc he has the feelings & is human & imperfect #but he just gets energized & focused like welp bummer but ofc i gotta give my kid more support w/whatever he's going through rn #like hell yeah. one fun song we're good to go #bmc #deh

[ayyponine]

girl help im going back n forth on whether or not i should send an email to thank the beautiful man fr letting me join the drawing session last week (more info on that entire situation here and here) and letting him know i probably wont be back but appreciate having had the experience either way. great or horrible idea leave a comment or DM to lmk.

#anyway more nuance on the whole situation is this. i am very single and this guy keeps being on my mind but i do not have any read on him #the last contact we had was me makin an ass of myself by going like hehe yeah this was nice everyone was nice ok yall have a nice evenin bye #while my heart was like visibly pounding out of my chest and u could probably see on my face i was internally thinking girl shut UP!!! LEAVE #so im like ok either hes weirded out by me so let me say thx AGAIN now in a composed way AND giving him peace of mind knowing i wont be back #unless?? i was not as awkward as i thought & get reassured i can return any time and then i could still b like thanks! and just Not go #i mean even then he might say it's fine even if he IS uncomfrtable w me just to 1. be nice and 2. make money w a participant locked in yknow #it does NOT help that the line btwn casual and professional was like NOT there btw its him just hosting the event as we all do our art idkkk #anyway if you THINK youve PROBABLY been a lil off is it better to 1. have a do-over and get closure or 2. fuck off forever hoping u never #like EVER run into the dude again and be awkward AGAIN bc well! u live in the same city and are both into art so?? there IS a possibility #I CAN SEE THE PROS AND CONS OF BOTH OPTIONS REALLY #yay for sending email: get a response get some clarity NOW. nay for sending email: girl u met him twice. please. leave the stranger alone <3 #the one positive abt me feeling Dumb and Embarrassing is at least every time i think back i heave a Big Ole Sigh. feels nice tbh feels good #sad part is i rediscovered how much i love doing art and want to improve. would love to return it was so cheap.. pleek ill get over my crush

[munamania]

i mean it’s just kinda crazy cause. and forgive me if i sound somewhat spoiled here but. this trip im doing to take more credits and get experience and make connections etc is obviously expensive and i talked abt it with my parents. a lot before trying to do it. and somehow my dad didn’t understand that yk we would have to pay for it. ??? and is putting me in this spot of ‘figuring out what we’re gonna do about it’ and it’s like dude. i mean i’m going i paid for my fucking flights you know i’m. regardless i’ll be there. and i make $10/hr i have not been able to work consistently and when you don’t have thousands and thousands of dollars just sitting there accumulating more interest it doesn’t fucking last. like what exactly do you want me to say? i’ll drain all my accounts and give what little i have to you? tldr my main point here is the only way this man truly shows any kind of affection is through money and since he fucked me up im glad to take advantage of that lol like why wouldn’t i. so to have it thrown back in my face is just um an awful feeling. like im not even worth this to you. this is just too much. it truly does feel like someone put a number on love and im just not up there

#it’s not like we ever took trips or vacations or had super nice things or even. you know. like fucking furniture #and to be clear even when he does help me out with stuff it’s held over my head so it’s truly not even a good way of showing. love. #if you want to say that. like of course i’m grateful that i haven’t had to struggle to make ends meet in the way many people do because i #have his money and i’m not trying to pretend i don’t but like. i’ve also had fucking anxiety attacks thinking about spending money and #basically how much i would owe him for my whole life. like how do i buy myself out of obligation here. #and i never could rn i don’t have Money money #but he truly pulls the same shit he does on my mom like ‘well where does it all go???’ #dad. i don’t have piles of money sitting around. oh i made 2000 at my summer job? wowzers incredible that goes so fucking fast #when i’ve had to pay to break my lease and something else for school and bills and groceries #and yeah ok let’s not pretend i don’t sometimes go out with people. and everything’s so expensive now. but even so i have a heart attack #any time i spend more than like 20 dollars so. i usually don’t. #it’s just sooo… 😵‍💫 like. damn yeah i do wish i had parents that just Took Care of things and i didn’t have to worry. but it’s like. i do ta #money from him and then i’m just expected to grovel forever and ever #which is why i do need to be more financially independent from him i literally can’t wait for that day i need to make actual money at some #point but i am just not someone who can work full time and go to school and the only way i qualify for my scholarships is if i go full time #and graduate on time so. here we are 👍 #abby talks #aaaaand post. lmfao

[dumb-doll-lips]

How do you make friends irl? And more specifically how do you make friends irl that like you feel like you can be yourself around?

I’ve been so bad at having irl friends and when I am friendly w people I feel like I get stuck in what like I’ve called ‘customer service mode’ and then like it’s not fulfilling enough for me to want to try. I think I’m too used to like censoring myself some irl. I think it might like be kind of a kink thing. Like I’ve never had like friends irl (who didn’t want to fuck me or were fucking me) that I could talk to about kink stuff or just sex.

#with what’s going on irl #it’d be good for me to have some friends #and like def have the people in my life all being like that I need some friends #ugh I’d really like my life to feel like less of a mess #the only thing I really know of that maybe would help is fetlife #but has been forever since I’ve been on there and when I was I never made like regular friends #so idk if it works well for that at all #it just feels really hard sometimes to not have anyone in person I feel like I could talk honestly too #and def would be all for having more fun too #the friends I could fuck type is def a lot of fun but less doable right now #personal

[tardis--dreams]

For the first time ever, i failed a term paper. The lecturer opened the conversation with the words "you handed in an excellent term paper. Really, A+!" And then continued to point out to me what she liked most. And then told me that that one bitch that was tormenting me last semester had copied all of the notes i shared with her for our presentation. Which is why she can't let me pass because while she Knows it's not my fault she couldn't prove it to anyone if questioned about it. So we both fail. But luckily for me, i get another chance. The 15 minutes i talked to her were truly refreshing

#seriously it's so funny that you tell me i failed my paper and i leave in a good mood lmao #i was so scared she'd say it was bad #i would probably have been devastated of she'd told me this and this and this was bad and she can't give me anything better than a C #but we essentially just spent 15 minutes ranting about that bitch and how fucking annoying she is #(she asked me not to share that with anyone. i trust all of you will keep your discretion about this matter lol) #she even asked me if i needed help with getting that bitch to stay away from me #'prof. (name) and I KNOW about her and how difficult she is #we cannot prevent her from studying here but we monitor her closely. so let me know if she tries to use you again #WE CANNOT PREVENT HER FROM STUDYING HERE AHAHAHA #but god we wish we could #'i would never invite her to any of my office hours because i know she would never leave' #i love that lecturer again #i was a bit annoyed at her for asking me to come in because i assumed it would be because she thought my work was bad #but i almost felt sorry for this situation because she seemed so sad and sorry herself #because she kept telling me 'believe me i Know you didn't do anything wrong but i just can't prove it officially' #and then we settled for me doing the paper again and the other student just getting a fail and that she could go fuck herself essentially #(she did not use these words but god was it funny to hear her obvious dislike of that person #anyway #idk if shes in germany again or if she maybe dropped out of the program because i haven't seen her since the semester started #but i have the official permission to block her number and ignore her forever and always #(yes my friends and my mother told me to do this months ago #yes it's my fault for not doing so earlier and letting her use me like that #but it's nice to have the support of a lecturer like that) #void screams #university ramblings

[cornflowercanine]

oh yeah also almost forgot to post that one year ago today i moved out of utah. i went from constantly tired and 8ody Hurts Randomly All The Time and Gets New Minor Illnesses Monthly and Starting to get heart issues to like... i've only gotten sick once since i moved out. any pain i get is just from workin lots. ive gained TWENTY POUNDS(!!!) pro8a8ly more since i moved out (REALLY GOOD). i finally have irl friends :) and we go out shopping or to eat at least once a w33k, every other w33k X) literally every8ody in my store that i talk to loves me and is happy to s33 me and gives me compliments :D i kinda cant express how huge a deal it is for me to 8e a8le to Go Outside and TALK TO PEOPLE nevertheless MAKE FRIENDS WITH THEM!!! 8ut god this was kinda all i ever wanted? this was like the 8aseline thing? people are just as nice as i thought they'd 8e and my parents were wrong X) i am way more lova8le than anticip8ed even if i do get confused easy and am slow at some things people still WANT me there :D i have my own money now and can do whatever i want with it and i have :) a lot... in savings and i plan to learn to drive this year and move out next year or so!

LITERALLY EVERYTHING IS EASIER WHEN YOU DONT HAVE YOUR PARENTS 8REATHING DOWN YOUR NECK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I AM SO HAPPY A FUCKING MEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

#clove rambles #personal #:') its 833n sinking in the past w33k and guh i cant convey how much good this has 8rought me #AND ALSO I CANT TELL YOU HOW MUCH OF MY HAPPINESS+SATISFACTION IS FROM HAVING MY MOIRAIL 8ACK #AND HOW MUCH OF IT IS FROM 8EING A8LE TO EXIST INDEPENDENTLY AND COMFORTA8LY #8ut x)))... mainly im just so happy to s33 people. and talk to them and 8e known 8y them #theres shitty people duh doy i literally work in food service i s33 them twice a w33k every w33k :) #8ut MAN they are soooooo not my first thought when im thinking a8t people. #people arent dangerous like my parents said or endlessly cruel like some ppl older than me said #people h8 that winter is lasting so long and they like my little cat pins on my apron #x) i could go on forever #as much as ive accomplished the last year theres still a lot to do that im nervous a8t @w@ #i dont n33d to tell you how scared i was a8out my taxes omg (which i did! my return's coming soon :)) #SO WISH ME THE 8EST OF LUCK WITH LEARNING TO DRIVE AND DOING MORE THINGS ON MY OWN XD #im kinda in the ppl Show/tell me how to do stuff stage-- oh thats another thing #everyone wants to help me so so so 8ad forever holy fuck. literally got kicked out of ma own house #and even still people were like is there anything i can do for you just let me know alright #people are just as 8ad at math as me when i come in early and ask em what 6 hours from 8;30 am is XD #OH AND IF YOUVE NEVER EXPERIENCED ANYTHING EVER!!! ITS SO EXCITING FOR EVERYONE ELSE!!!!! #IT MAKES PEOPLE SO EXCITED WHEN YOU SAY YOUVE NEVER 833N TO SOMETHING SIMPLE 8UT FUN THEYRE USED TO X) #so every single outing goes from just doing smth nice to OMG YOUVE NEVER 833N HERE 8EFORE?! #youve gotta try this and this and this and :D.... x) its realy nice. i coulkd go on 5ever

[milo-is-rambling]

Recently every conversation with my mom has left me feeling like a child again

#y'know when you were little and your parents were upset but you wanted to tell them something you cared about and they got angry at you for #being happy and wanting to share it with them #that's been how every conversation with my mom has ended for the last two days #i just empty and emotional but I can't do anything about it cause I'm too small and young to help her #i just have to keep being around her and try to make her feel better #it's hard. it's really hard. i miss my dad #i know she's struggling but she doesn't have to act like that to me #and we had been doing so well before my brother came home and now that he's back at school it's like we have to learn to live together all #over again and I don't want to #i just want to lay in bed and cry #i feel like how I felt in middle school when I would lock myself in the bathroom to cry bc my bedroom door didn't have a lock and my family #would just walk in whenever they wanted to do I cried in the bathroom and it was always while I was crying I could hear my whole family #making fun of me for crying in the bathroom and making jokes about how I was crying again and being dramatic and stupid and it kind of #forever tainted my connection with my own emotions and being brushed off by my mom brings me back to that exact feeling #i wanna lock myself in the bathroom and cry so hard I can't breathe while listening to my parents make fun of me for crying #I'm just having a rough day and I'm stressed and sad and it's the first showing of the play tonight and I'm terrified I'm gonna fuck up #and I just want to have a good day but it's all been sucky so far #i hate it #i wake up happy and then I go to start my day and I talk to my mom and then it's like all motivation is drained from me and I want to just #get back into bed again #:((((

[the-casbah-way]

girl help i cling to celebrities and fictional characters bc i cannot deal with reality and i hate myself

#i see someone tht has my good qualities right. and i latch onto them bc it’s like that’s who i could be if i wasn’t awful #and i get so attached tht i forget tht i’m still me #i still suck #and i can’t change it #i spend my whole life waiting for the bit where i change and improve but this is just me this is how i was built #like im never going to be successful or talented or whatever im just me forever #girl help i can’t deal with this #realising just how dissociated i am constantly and i dunno how to undo it i dunno who the fuck i am #where does me stop and where do the fictional things start

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#the problem with a mood profile that is mostly way down with peaks of way up is that when u return to a state of: the bullshit is easy. #i dont need to sleep. i could run around in circles. i could read a million papers. what kind of loser cant manage their life? #u r like: God fucking dammit i fucked up so much stuff. y tf didnt i do yhis at the time???? its so baffling like i went from fuck just let #me sleep forever to agitated and full of evil energy to like: ok im normal im gonna do the extraction ive been putting off for months #y couldnt i have been like this last week when i should have gathered a list of my failing students to the prof to make them withdrawal? #like y tf didnt i do that?????? i mean. its kind of a suspect way to run a class tbh bc u r artificially inflating ur score #but i could have saved like 6 ppl from an F. but i mean if u r struggling its sort of on u to reach out for help. #ugh. ive not been very good at my job this semester. but to b fair my brain has been trying very hard to kill me #genuinely i had to fill out a safety sheet in therapy and then go to a ta meeting where they were like: how r yall doing #? how do u feel abt the semester? and im just like aaaaaaaAAAaaaa 🙃 #next semester i think im TAing for an online course. and im hoping its not bc i was so terrible they had to distance me from students lol #i mean. thats probably just me being paranoid but idk well see monday when i ask when the prof wants to meet before next semester #ay. its been a rougher semester than id hoped. #unrelated

[bbeelzemon]

frill got me excited about my comic and characters again so.... keep an eye out for potential content on the horizon

#we're moving like later this week and we're hoping to have like. an office room setup #i do my best comic work at my computer tablet vs my galaxy tablet....... im more streamlined there #they were helping me figure out plot stuff earlier too.... ive been wanting to start illustrating it for forever #but my first arc is . pretty weak! imo #so once we get past that hurdle i might.. start drawing... :seeing: #im redrawing the main cast lineup now because what the fuck the last one i did is 2 years old now. what the fuck #anyway main cast get slight redesigns just to keep them up to date with my current art style #im inspired to go back and do crisp lines again too when we get our desktops set up at our new place #again its just.. so much easier to do that style at my computer #little tablet is for sketch style things and computer is for crispy style things. ok #we have a lot of things coming up between now and october so i wanted to have something Productive i can work on in the meantime #bc i dont think getting a new job and immediately taking 3 long weekend type vacations within the first 2 months is a good look #anyway after we get settled im gonna make a new commissions post bc i think i actually feel up for doing REAL comms again #not sketch comms! but the big fancy polished comms again! maybe! we'll see! #feel free to inquire about that ahead of time but heads up it could be a couple weeks b4 i get that going for real

[kindacreepy-kindaugly]

It never gets any fucking easier does it

#bitch bout to do smth very stupid here #i've kept my distance for what already feels like forever n i really thought by now i'd be. at least on the way to functioning on my own #i can ignore it when i'm doin ok but the pull never goes away it's always there #then i get low n i just. can't think of a reason to fight it anymore #i feel like i got sold just another lie. that if i just stay strong n don't go back then i'll start learning how to live w/o him but #did anyone actually tell me that? did i just lie to myself? he makes me feel awful most of the time but if i feel awful anyway then why not #sometimes it helps for a moment or two #that's if he even wants me around anyway. could you go either way #cause i'm sick n weak n suicidal just the way he likes me but also he might be too focused on doll to feel like playin w/ me rn #i feel like everyone told me it'd get easier but maybe they didn't. or maybe i'm doin smth wrong. #honestly it might be my fault he's gettin worse again in the first place cause maybe he was right n i just need a villain in my life #someone to blame when everything's too hard #i guess i wouldn't know what to do w/ myself if he really changed like we supposedly want him to so..... #i hate how i'm realizing he was right about more n more things all the fucking time #i can't do this on my own. i need someone to go to someone i can rely on someone to hold me #others in this system got someone who actually cares about em n what do i get? fucking val #i try not to go there cause it's not healthy but lately it's been hard to convince myself this life isn't a punishment #hell was too cozy so they put me here instead. i don't deserve to be looked after. i only deserve to be used #i don't know what exactly it was i did that was so awful but. i can't make sense of it any other way #so there must be something. this is just me gettin my due. #why else would i have been made like this? wired wrong for this world in so many ways always needin too much #so stop bitching n whining about it n just take it like a good boy #i'm still a good boy if i rly put myself into it right? #spdrvent

[medicinemane]

Seriously, it would be a mercy to kill me. I'm begging for help dying. Do you not see why it's fucking torture to keep my alive while living with her? I'll never escape her, like there's just no practical way to make it happen

And yet, till I get my act together and find a way to die already, show must go on

#you can't stand still; no matter how miserable you are there's shit you got to do #lord knows I'm bad at it and it takes me forever; I'm not even close to good enough or getting enough done #but still... I slowly work at it and occasionally do things like get rid of the trailer by myself #and in return I get lovely anons telling me to stop using my one point of socialization and to go get some help #my misery repulses them and I really need to fix it before I get back on the internet #and I'm so sleep deprived and in so much pain from having to be a therapist today; especially with how bad it was today #that I'll just be blunt that if I could distill every bit of pain I feel #I'd fucking seep it into people's bones when they say shit like that #I want to see how you deal with it; I want to see if you writhe just by living my life #I've told you all so many times that I'm bitter and cruel and that you only don't see it because I'm polite #there's a reason I identify so much with Soulcutter as a sword #and it's because I'd call it the sword of depression almost as much as I'd call it the Tyrant Blade or Sword of Despair #the way it's described; like it drains the will out of you meaning that even the idea of holding it aloft becomes tiring #...I could fucking wield it; I know how #that's not a blade you draw; you rest your hand on the hilt and let the misery eat into everyone carving them up #and you realize how pointless it is to even bother keeping your hand there and let it go limp and slide off #and frankly if I had it I'd be real tempted to carve a path of despair through the world... especially anywhere policy makers were #I'll work with everything I have to make sure no one ever feels like me; or as few people and make them feel as little of it #but it would be a lie to say I didn't want to force you all to feel it exactly as I feel it #then you come back to me and tell me all the ways I'm not doing enough and need to fix my depression this way or that way #you feel the decades of total isolation and you tell me if I'm doing as badly as you've decided I am

[ko-eko-ev-go-ms]

It continues to trip me up how much human brains are just weird organic computers

#thoughts #oni talks #oni vents #additionally wild that the easiest ways for me to explain brain stuff are generally in computer or video game terms despite the fact I’m #notoriously awful with computers (and to a lesser extent video games) although I won’t if my natural inclination would be different if I #didn’t have trauma related to computers/if maybe it’s the classic adhd interest based learning difference? unknown tbh #I still really wanna go to school to study people but academics is fucked as hell so making that work will be a personal hell for me #but also I have so many theories and data I can’t do anything super tangible with coz I’m not in an academic setting so even if i wanted to #talk about stuff and work on it no one would take me seriously w/o that academic background no matter how much effort I’d put in learning it #on my own for my entire life at this point it won’t matter if it’s not on some level acknowledged by an academic system I despise tbh #it’s one of those things that makes me miss my dad coz we used to commiserate together about these sorts of things tho he made it work far #better than I have been able to. i wish i could ask him science questions again. #anyway human brains are so fascinating but also I really wish I was better at explaining myself analysis of people I feel like I’m good #enough at this point to be like partway understood coz I’ve done so much practice on my own coz I tend to rehearse explanations ahead of tim #but its still often misunderstood or misconstrued & it’s understandable a lot of the time coz like most other people aren’t spending a ton #of their free time thinking about and researching how people work/analyzing those around them+themselves vs me whose been doing since like #I dont remember the exact time but I do remember being really young & making the conscious decision to study & analyze my family for example #so that I could be helpful & translate their words to each other better + ppl often don’t see things about themselves that others do #also forever thinking about the human brain/experience in relation to the sims & video game commands lmao #currently trying to explain save states in the human brain to ppl but no one knows wtf I’m talking about #& researching academic terms that are close to what I want doesn’t necessarily work if there’s no academic term for what I’m talking about #hence wanting to do the research myself coz sometimes it feels like there’s all this stuff that’s obvious to me but no one else?? from what #I’ve seen in recent studies they are only starting to scratch the surface of stuff I’ve already known sometimes? other stuff is older & it’s #VERY gratifying when it’s stuff I’ve known but not been listened to about & it actually gets the proper recognition #though getting ppl to actually listen/take what I say seriously is its own journey & I have to be careful myself bc I’m human so my own #understanding/data is constantly updating + I have storage issues so finding the data I have in my brain is its own struggle sometimes #every version of me is interested in people & I think that’s neat even if other people don’t understand that concept #sometimes I feel like an alien/robot whose sole task is just to study & support humanity & it’s very weird tbh