#good less competition for me then

[docresa]

Today I had the best time volunteering for a teaching project (which is led by our chief vascular surgeon).

That is, apart from the fact that we ran into some of our abdominal surgery attendings, who gave me a massive (verbal) side-eye for technically hanging out with the vascular surgeons in my free time. (Some of them don’t really see eye to eye, both medically and personally).

And I’m soooo sick of it, can’t I just try to figure out what I eventually want to do with my career without having to navigate a social and political minefield?

#yes I am technically an abdominal surgery resident #but since we are a general surgery department we do both thoracics and vascular as well #and both have been pursuing me to switch to their respective subspecialties #it’s putting a lot of stress on me tbh #because there are a lot of expectations #and I’m a stupid little people pleaser and I don’t want to disappoint anyone #and also I get excited by so many things #I get excited by pancreatic surgery as much as aortic surgery #though I’m at a point in my training where I do neither #which is ok btw #but how am I going to figure this out? #especially if everything I dip a toe in one department the other two get offended #and also there are some co-residents who would be very happy to have less competition in their respective fields #so there‘ll always be comments there as well #if anyone has any advice #please let me know #this is stressing me out #(and yes I do realize that this a very first world problem) #it’s still stressing me out though #and there is sooo much to finding a good mentor #I probably overthink this wayyyy to much #but yeah #After two weeks of actual vacation #(like actually being on another continent doing something completely unrelated) #my brain took the first best thing to cling to #sigh #resa rambles #residency #medblr #surgery

[bare1ythere]

do you know what its like being so absolutely crushed by everything but everyone around you is doing 10x more? And better? to have to constantly try to make yourself more marketable for a job or grad school? I just can't keep up I can't shake the feeling that I'm going to be left behind

#I have friends doing so much #and some want to do competitive grad school programs #they tell me theyre worried about getting in. but they have 100x more life experience than me #ive never had a job! Ive tried! ive really tried! #I cant stick to an extracurricular because the ones that look good drain the life out of me #and the ones I actually enjoy are solo. fandom related. and completely worthless on a resume #I just fucking wish I had the passion for science that i do for my hobbies #No matter how much I believe that someone isnt worth less because they cant do as much #everyone else doesnt give a shit. and if i dont do it all i wont be able to do the things I want #what if i just died instead.what then #shut up me #cant even draw for my own sanity. how the fuck am i supposed to have time to do everything they want me to

[devoursjohnlock]

I'll take literally anything Sherlocky - meta, random ramblings, incoherent thoughts. The fandom is as dead as the show I'm finally starting to accept. But as I apparently like pain, I'm still here.

Dearest anon, I will post something soon even if I don't get a juicy prompt (which I would enjoy). Never worry about taking a break from the game, it's been on for over a century, and there will always be people playing it in some corner of the world. Many of them are here, although there's not a lot of posting going on at present.

#Sherlock #asks #the great game #the fandom isn't dead it's just too competitive for its own good #(including me) #levelling up means sharing less #this happens in all parts of the Sherlockian fandom #which is probably one reason it persists

[billyisabottom]

Good job! You’ve successfully erased a whole season worth of plot, congratulations. Would you like a fuck you with that ? It’s on the house!😄

On a more serious note. The fucking second your coping mechanism, as direct consequence of your environment and the abuse that comes with it, is any type of angry or violent y’all just… don’t know how to fucking act. Victims are only acceptable if their way of coping is convenient. Hate to break it to you, but abuse doesn’t work that fucking way. You do not get to choose how it effects you. I promise we’d have chosen a more convenient way. And hell, at this point I’d have preferred it if they just straight up admit that abuse victims are an inconvenience in general, rather than handing me that ‘did he deserve to be saved’ bullshit.

As someone who’s going through similar abuse, if not ‘worse’, (than what we’ve seen on-screen) that shit felt like a punch in the gut. In a way it feel like I have deadline, an expiration date. I won’t be worth jackshit in a few months, because what redemption is there but death for people like us?

And yet even amongst all my jealousy, and the white hot anger that comes with it as I watch my 2 sisters get to have things I never will, and be treated differently just because they’re not ME. I still love them to death. So I hope they cherish the small moments, it’s all I have I left to give.

stranger things is nothing a cheap version of what it promised to be.

#kindest fucking regards #an inconvenient abuse victim #I’ll let myself rot in anger for as long as I can and live like a piece of shit for all I care #harringrove #billy hargrove #i have more to say #but I cannot be bothered anymore #it’s like talking to a wall #or worse #a therapist #I’ll be as old as Billy was in S2 soon #and it seems I’m gonna surpass him in The Who Deserves To Fucking Die competition #good stuff #this is not a vent #i really cannot care less about it #it’s just the lack of understanding that baffles me.

[locrianking]

nothing pisses me off more than how figure skating reporters/news will constantly and intentionally leave out important details of stories in order to produce ragebait for people who don’t know anything about figure skating

#like i’m sorry but surya bonaly is NOT the hill you want to die on. #they banned backflips BEFORE SHE WAS EVEN COMPETING because guess what! #USFSA/ISU doesn’t want to deal with skaters breaking their fucking necks and dying on live tv! #or make young skaters feel like they Have To Learn how to do it and then fucking dying because of how INCREDIBLY DANGEROUS it is. #dont get me wrong figure skating is conservative and racist as fuck and surya bonaly faced some pretty horrific racism in her career #but banning the backflip had absolutely nothing to do with her and everything to do about not having skaters fucking die #also i’m not sorry but her edgework fucking sucked. like her jumps were incredible i can’t lie but her edges were. painful to watch at best #see also: everything regarding the sambo 70 and eteri #i am so sick and fucking tired of seeing people who don’t skate just hype up these incredible abused teenagers and hail them like gods #they don’t need fame they need HELP and eteri needs to be in fucking JAIL for what she’s done to SO MANY KIDS #i hope this sport gets more boring!! i hope i see less quads and less teenagers!! #what i want to see is competitive skaters who are still able to skate when they’re 25+ because their training was healthy and genuine #i want to see good technique and clean lutz edges and no full blade assistance on toe jumps bc thats what will save your joints #i want to see skaters with muscle and fat who have healthy relationships w/ food and their bodies and are stronger for it #this sport is so fucked. it’s a joke. i love skating but i wish i never had to interact with the community around it #ESPECIALLY those who have never gone through the sport themselves. stop getting off on abused children and start advocating for SAFETY #rosie speaks

[princemick]

I love it when I'm live giffing smth that's not f1 bc the respect I get for how fast I am is so funny

#like I will take double the amount of time id normally do bc I know theres no like 'competition' that sounds dumb but yk what i mean #but bc of that im lazier and take more time n pll r still like 'op ur so fast' like ??? it took me 20 mins what do u mean fast akjsbdak #kyle.txt #but acc during f1 races I do get a good amoung of 'wow op ur fast' tags but its less funny bc I try to be fast so its just nice kajsbdka

[alwaysbethewest]

May 2022

The path is built on sand A thousand years' worth Firm and narrow directing your feet Keep going forward And there is no chance of getting lost

Flowers line both sides Pale pink bell-shaped and Fat thistles budding and So many small orange poppies Cups eagerly open to collect the fog dew

All peaceful quiet except The ocean surf below Gently crashing waves And the funny bark of elephant seals Lazing on the beach

To your right the hill crests You scramble up it Anticipating Breathless The beauty still catches you by surprise

Blue ocean and White surf and Tan beach and Grey sky Everything vast and timeless

Limitless Like the breath in your lungs

Your mind is empty But in the best way Revelatory You don't need to get high when You have this

Quail on fence posts Deer roaming where they will Cows in the road You drive past slowly And stop to stare Locking eyes with a badger For the first time in your life

This was a wrong turn But it doesn't feel wrong Knowing you would have missed The quail and the cows and the hawk and The badger with its mouse dinner caught in its teeth

If every path takes you somewhere Maybe there is no getting lost

#poetry #i never posted this because i was embarrassed by its earnestness #and because i'm not a poet #but i am so tired of my own fear of vulnerability and that my art isn't 'good enough' as if that is a real thing #i saw a tweet today that said in essence 'you are not in competition with yourself' #and it hit me hard because i have been on this kick recently #of comparing my older work with my newer work #which probably can be helpful and healthy but #not in the way i was doing it #picking apart what is better what is more popular what people respond to #anyway the point is #especially as we head into a new year #i really want to stop harping on fic stats and perfectionism and competition with myself #(much less with anyone else lol but i actually have made some strides there i think) #because all of those things stand in the way of authenticity and vulnerability and #i guess just sharing the truth of your soul and your self #which is probably ultimately the only important thing #those pieces of yourself that you share with the universe #regardless of who sees them or takes them in #regardless of the size of the audience #surely are all equal because they are all you? #so here is this #what a silly thing to hold back

[salsflore]

#its always the fucking chemistry projects that ruin my life #not ready to go back to school ... getting home late & eating the same food everyday & having less free time & hanging out with the same few #people i honestly! don’t even like that much.. zzz i don’t wanna receive my test results either – esp not for math #and i KNOW it gets 100x worse in a college/uni/work environment i think i’m just being a bit of a crybaby but i can’t bring myself to #look forward to anything at all. pass my exams & graduate yay ^__^ -> immediately go back and study some more #then i’ll have to get a job and afhjdkf... maybe i’m thinking too far ahead but it all feels inevitable anyways so does it matter if i am? #i don’t know why i’m struggling so much compared to my peers who don’t see any of this as an issue at all #was i cursed to be sad since primary school #i can’t even talk to anyone about it because my dad [ though he has good intentions ] almost always ends up feeding me a variant of #think about your future Or thats just how student life is. meanwhile my mom will begin a competition of Who Has It Worse?! #my sister has her own stuff going on and my religious aunt will say something along the lines of [ have faith & go with the flow ] #i wish i had someone to confide in but i only ever really have myself i think. it sucks cuz no one seems to get it at all #i know objectively thats probably not true but. ahh i feel so disconnected from everyone #cw negative #cw vent #i didnt intend for this to become a whole thing but i got carried away #💭

[error-404-fuck-not-found]

just had my employee review. glowing. perfect score. no notes

i got the highest possible “merit increase” of 3.5%, same as last year.

the rate of inflation in 2021 was 7%, and this year so far it’s 8.3%. it will be higher by the end of the year.

in order for me to break even - not have more money, just break even! - with the purchasing power of my wages back in 2021, i would need to be making $4,400 more than i’m making now. i have effectively been given a wage cut of $4400 over the course of two years in spite of them admitting i’m one of their best employees.

failing to tie annual salary increases to the rate of inflation is wage theft dressed up as benevolence.

#i'm pissed #i know people who have it worse but capitalism shouldn't be a fucking competition to see who gets screwed hardest #i've gone on this rant before but human beings are the only asset a corporation has that appreciates in value #software? machines? the building you work in? all depreciate in value as soon as you buy them #you need to pay subscription fees for the software and extended service warranties nowadays #even though your machine and software are worth less and less each year #meanwhile your workers are becoming more skilled and knowledgeable about their job #and about the inner workings of your company so they can work around problems and adapt #humans are the only thing a corporation has that's an actual investment #fucking act like it #i'm worth more than i was 2 years ago and yet i get a $4400 pay cut??? #make it make sense #give me one good reason why i shouldn't turn on my heel and let you fuckers swing

[masqueradeoftheguilty]

its so hard to be excited for the free dr ratio when all i see is shit slinging about it

#idk. star rail is good but the fanbase sorta killed it for me when it first released and now again #oh well. im excited for penacony bcs sunday and robin my beloveds.... #tbh the weirdest thing to come out of this how debacle is people claiming the free 5 star is purely the devs genorisity #no babes its bcs hsr has lower player retention and has to compete with the other turn based rpg gachas #like yeah ! it is generous ! but it is also a marketing ploy. #i will still be getting him bcs hes very goofy and who am i to turn down a free 5 star #but its not purely out of the devs hearts like people think #(and the genshin devs arent doing it bcs genshin is THE open world gacha game. so less competition) #step right up! || 🪄.txt

[aroaceofthesea]

Okay so i havent completely come to terms with it yet but WE WON THE HP CODEWARS (a coding competition in teams) AND WERE ACTUALLY GOING TO HOUSTON TO COMPETE IN NEXT YEAR'S COMPETITION WHAT

#what what what #what the fuck #(only adding the pic of me alone bc im too lazy to ask my friends for permission lol) #no but really what #like we knew we had options to make podium but no way we were going to win #we didnt even rlly believe we would actually make podium before starting bc there were some rlly good teams #(we kinda know everyone good so that was easy to spot) #and then after the competition we were like huh we did pretty badly we think #then we thought again and compared with last year and we said huh maybe not suuuuper bad but not rlly good either #(last year it was online and you could have a computer per person but this year it was only one so it was rlly different) #amd then we talked with the ppl that we knew and we were like huh were the best so far #then they talked to like everyone good bc they literally know everyone and they were like congraats youre 99% sure winning #and we were like naaaaah impossible you probably missed someone or smth theres no way #like we were pretty sure we were gonna be making podium by then but we somehow didnt even fully believe it #and then at the awards ceremony they gave the first girl team prize to someone else with less points and we were like aaaaa we made podium #and then they announced the third position we literally screamed bc since we knew ppls points we knew it meant we were first #i almost cried istg #like being 2nd or 3rd or 4th or first girl is like yeah im good but im not the best but like being THE best? being first is scary #it feels fake and confusing but also im so happy and i dont know how to express it aaaaaa its so weird #and the fact that were going to HOUSTON next year? what the actual fuuuck feels impossible #like were going to go there? a prize that is only for the first group? rlly? just like that?? whaaaat #also now hp has our data (we obv gave it to them) and they will likely be happy to accept us to work and/or get internships there so yayyy #but im still not over any of this it rlly feels fake like what the fuck one of the important hp research facilities asked for MY email?? #what the fuuuuuuuck #also unrelated but they just had a paper mache how to train your dragon dragon just there in the corner of a football field like whaat #(a dragon that was bigger than us not some cute little figure eeh) #mine #life #codewars

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#Jesus. just finished my interview. no idea how it went #i think it was much too rambling on my part and they asked almost exclusively sciency questions #ugh hopefully i didn't look like a completle moron. the guy was sorta inscrutable so no idea what he thought #and he was like hmm whats ur competition here? and i dont give a fuck abt competition and also it doesnt really matter #fuck. i should have said. it would b fine if they were doing the exact same project bc we would b evolving different strains and it would b #interesting if they evolved even the exact same traits. fuck #i think objectively i probably looked like someone who halfway knows what theyre doing without the specific knowledge #which is exactly true. like mother fuckers ive got a full time job to be overworked in. i dont have time to memorize details of every #pathway change in every desert cyano #uuuuugh its just annoying bc my brain doesnt work well in the moment. i need time to process and knit together an answer #so i wouldnt b surprised if i was ranked low. oh god i was told the interview was prob a formality unless it goes terribly #itll b real embarrassing if i dont get passed this stage now #whatever it was a bit chaotic on their end too bc one guy didnt show up until halfway thru so i kinda had to go back and say things twice #uuuuuuuuuuggh. well that kinda sucked. at least its done. out of my hands now. #i was getting too excited abt it anyway. this will reaffirm my: obviously im not gonna get it vibes #i mean thats what i get for trying to join a very competitive program. like i am not a competitive person #rip to my lab mate who im gonna whine at all day abt this. i have to meet him in less than an hour #welp. there r other schools. god i hope at least one of them accepts me #ugh i just think its kinda annoying they they want u to be perfectly qualified for things lol. like i would need someone to step thru the #lab process with me literally once or twice and then id be good to go #like maybe a couple hours of someones time to remind me. thats it. humans r adaptable #i can obviously carry out a project to its conclusion and i have a lot of passion. not that they asked. but yeah #oh well. i should have breakfast before i freeze in the desert all day #unrelated

[eorzeashan]

my relationship with the sciences is complicated because a lot of my life was spent being abused in order to excel at this subject I wasn't naturally good at bc of how tied it is to high-paying jobs and "respect" in society, so it took me a long time to undo the hatred I had for it and realizing it was more the fault of a hypercapitalist society that prized it above "useless" art. I really do like math and learned to enjoy it in college despite still being not fantastic at it, but it definitely...needs a lot of reform with how it's still seen as the only path to success.

#ooc #it's also sad that a child's worth can be judged based on their grades. #I was actually awful at it but I quickly learned you can become good at anything if you have it beaten into you enough times #cw abuse #you still see this in the archaic medical field today #they purposely bloat the subjects and reqs to weed out the competition bc it's so high paying #just to make it difficult on purpose #and doing so drives people to...well it breaks them. #becoming good at a subject due to being forced at it is something i tend to explore sometimes in my writing too #anything less than an A was punished. #alright that's enough grimdark sorry #once in awhile my past haunts me and i remember these things #it's also so scary how it can all happen so easily and they have no idea.

[ophiuranesque]

spent all last night creating a fictional disease so i might as well post this (insane ramblings in tags)

#my art #ocs #fuck backgrounds this is the best youll get from me #scroll down if you wanna see me ramble ab this #its called BHCD-1 #its the product of a major corporation going unchecked and neglecting the bare minimum safety requirements for hazardous waste #basically this huge company that owns practically everything #controls all the food production in an america that is under a food scarcity crisis #this was brought ab due to temperatures being too high for regular food growth #but theres a limited ammount of space where food can be produced since it has to be in a controlled enviroment #so even this company is having trouble producing enough food to satiate enough people for there to not be regular cases of starvation #the company finds this backrooms esque place #which seemingly stretches endlessly #and figure thats a good place to utilize for food production as its a steady temperature with little variation #however they find this place filled with large quantities of this dark tarry waste product that they cant identify #maybe someone outside of their company would be able to but they keep it under wraps out of fear of getting shut down #they begin to recruit people with various environmental science degrees to dispose of the waste #figuring that they will be able to handle it better and that they can not have much competition or kickback this way #bc more people who've signed ndas means less people to dispute them once they eventually leave the company #also the company promises food security to the families of these prospective employees given they live on site and continue working #so new employees come in like crazy bc everyone is starving #and about a month into the cleaning operation someone gets sick #theyre discovered bc they seemingly had a nervous breakdown #the company realizes this is not the case and takes the person for observation #they die #the company is like oh shit and gives everyone pto #under the guise of training more employees #they dont tell anyone the person has died #they cut the person open and find their lungs are caked in the tarry substance they've been removing from the location #and had begun to leech to nearby tissue