#had to stop myself from sobbing

[officialbillhader]

This book just decided to tear out my heart

#awesomepie3221 #had to stop myself from sobbing #ive read sold by patricia mccormick and a child called 'it' by dave pelzer but i feel like this pne is somehow hitting me harder #even tho both of those were hard to read #ive read the glass castle too but that one feels so different. this book feels so different from the rest of them #or maybe its bc i read those 3 in high school and dont remember how they affected me #and i may have been a little desensitized to a child called it and sold then bc it was probably around the same time i read that article #all abt this same thing #literally a 100k word article. and since it was on my phone it took me weeks to read #probably months

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

ohhhhmygod im gonna be sick. actually nauseous and i did it to myself - there was a spider on the countertop and i Panicked, grabbing the first distance-killer i could grab. it was a grease cleaner spray. i buried it in the stuff, walked away to recover mentally, came back

it fucking fell apart and dissolved into the cleaner. i both feel horrible and im disgusted beyond words. how the fuck do i get rid of it

#slamming my face into a wall repeatedly #i cant leave it there to deal with after Sleep #bc my cats like to go onto the countertops when no one is looking #and i dont want either of them to get poisoned #but i cant rinse it into the sink with the faucet hose bc there's stuff in the sink #but idk if i can bring myself to do dishes with That next to me #and my fear of spiders is so intense that i Cannot get close enough to take care of it with a towel or somethin #im very good at fucking myself over in various ways! #if i had an appetite id lose it. permanently #what if! instead of dealing with it! i curl up in a corner and cry #except im not gonna do that ive filled my tears quota for the year & doing nothing wont help anything #sorry for venting again i just. ohhhhh this is horrible this is Terrible #if i still had my whacking stick id tape a big wad of paper towels to the end and clean the mess up that way #from a Distance! #absolutely unprompted #i wish i wasnt so terrified of spiders #they scare me So much.... #the point of feeling physically ill! and like sobbing! or panicking! and this spider was Big! #i wish they'd stop coming into the house.... i hate killing them but i cant function knowing theyre there #but i can't force myself close enough to put them in a cup and bring them outside #so now i have THAT on my counter. disintegrated spider. #life is too fucking much lately... jesus.... i should really just bite the bullet and get this shit over with #no use waiting a month in perpetual terror unease and guilt. do it scared yk yk #im tired of my chest hurting and not being able to eat! i dont like it! i need change! terrifying horrible change!

[spacemancharisma]

.

#I don't know how to do this #I don't know how to fucking do this #I had a fucking Hours long crying breakdown after my parents left today #bc i'll never be fucking good enough for them #but if I say anything then we're acknowledging it and maybe it's better to not acknowledge it #maybe we just go back to ignoring the distance #if I say anything then I’m the bad guy again #I don't want to have to do this I don't want to have to keep being the one who steps forward first #I just want to stop trying and let it be what it is and let it hurt in a dull distant way #i've started crying again just from thinking about it #and I don't cry. I haven't cried more than like a light sniffle in three years until today #(bc of antidepressants) #I don't know what to do #I don't want to make it worse I don't want to hurt her feelings I don't want to be the one that starts shit #and I knoowwww I’m gaslighting myself bc she trained me to do this and I Cannot ignore the. two hour bathtub sob #but god what if I *am* the problem what if I *am* instigating and actually we had a good day #what if I’m expecting too much from her and this is better so maybe this is as good as it gets #do I bear it? do I bear it because she can't? #I know it's not fair and I know i'm hurting but maybe that's better than her hurting #do I just carry it for both of us? #I’m not a kid anymore I don't have that excuse #maybe this is womanhood. carrying it so your mother doesn't have to #she's carrying it for my grandmother. maybe this is just it. #I don't know. I don't know what to do. #I’m so fucking tired and it hurts #whatever. #vent #sad kids with bad moms club

[phantom-does-a-thing]

bestie ik this is random but im having a fashion crisis (god that sounds so cheesy) and methinks your style fucks, gender as hell, literal goals etc etc.. soooooo whats your secret, do you have tips, how are you so swag, whats your inspo, how do u find/do stuff, please, looking at u w my big eyes, im so swagless

HUH??? respectfully my beloved: WHAT? I'm so bad at putting together good outfits I literally wear like the same rotation of like 5 articles of clothing or 2 fancier outfits :sob: I have like three to four pairs of pants that I rotate wearing and like a few shirts that I wear. I am very bad at style or clothing choices. I guess like the most significant thing is that I customize a lot of my clothing??? Like my bitb and other jrwi shirt I both made myself, I have another shirt that I embroidered a design on, and my two sweatshirts I customized but that's really the entire secret. I just make my clothes look cool myself and then they become a Safe Item(TM) and I wear it constantly. Like I probably wear my jrwi/bitb shirt at least once a week (I had to stop myself from wearing the jrwi shirt today bc im like I need to do a new outfit).

Like my main two outfits that I enjoy wearing is my cargo pants + either my bleached bitb shirt or my other jrwi shirt. And I wear that whenever possible. I just wear whatever is comfortable imma be so fr :sob: and those are my most comfortable items. Plus my patch sweatshirt. It's really just 90% of stuff that I've customized myself.

#its the neruodivergent allegations /j #but I literally wear the same thing every day #im VERY bad at actually looking good or having anything thats stylish #I mean I get a lot of my clothes from the thrift store for cheap and then customize it myself #so idk :sob: #maybe I should see if I can get more cargo pants somewhere #the thrifft store might have that #I love baggy pants #my inspo is tbh more punk style fashion idk I kinda just do whatever #I think its saying something that my two favorite shirts are my riptide and bleached bloodin the bayou shirt #and it says something else that I have to literally stop myself from wearing it every other day #those would be the only shirts that I wore if I had a say in it #rambling #phever dreams with phantom #asks #mutuals

[neobisexual]

had a very intense semi lucid dream last night where i was the daughter/acolyte of an insane cult leader/my dad who performed non consenual surgery on me and molested and raped me. it inspired me to start writing a lil sci fi novella but also to clean out my closet and find my vibrator cuz i was desperate for it after waking up lmfao

#he had like. grown me & a few other and inserted more and more mechanical parts into us through our lives #so we were mostly machine inside. but human-looking outside #and i tried to run away and got the shit kicked out of me by my sister/fellow cult member #she patched me up most of the way but for the complicated stuff dad had to help #one of my arms had been broken so he just cut the whole thing open to fuck with the wires and stuff. it felt so awful guhhhhh #and after that he started trying to finger me and asking questions about wether id slept with anyone while i had been away #and told me he knew id been touching myself and that made me disgusting and corrupt and that was why id tried to leave. and he had to fix #my mind too. #there was blood on his fingers when he pulled them out of me and he got so so pissed #i was crying and trying to explain i was on my period but he said that was a lie and id been trying to hide more injuries from him so he #couldnt finish fixing me #and he spent a solid twenty minutes beating me for it while groping me & continuing to finger me #he had a metal arm n that was the one he was using too so i kept getting cut and bleeding more and hed yell and hit me more and he just #wouldnt stop 😵‍💫😵‍💫 #i was tied down by my wrists laying on my tummy but he forced me to roll over so he could punch my stomach a lot too ;-; #toward the end he got on top of me and started grinding against me #talking to me nice again and saying i was his girl and he just wanted to make me better and i only had to cooperate #i was sobbing and panicking still but he was just petting me #he tried to push his cock in me but he like. couldnt fit. #he could only get a couple inches in and he stayed sweet for a little longer but then he started getting frustrated #yelling at me to stop fighting him and slapping my face #and i was trying so so hard to relax and let him in so it could be over but i was just too small #he gave up after awhile and finished cleaning me up without saying anything then left me alone down there. still tied down and crying. #that was only one part of the dream there was a whole plotline where i had made contact with 2 people (a brother and sister) on the outside #who were trying to save me. and i was trying to talk my sister into leaving with me because i was so terrified of losing her #eventually i did get out and ended up living with the brother and sister and it was super cute and sweet #parts of the dream were from her pov too. she made us all matching hats :]

[aegos-eros]

Penguin boy, cat girl and their emotional support human

#Lyney #Lynette #Freminet #lyney and lynette #💜aego arts🖤 #had to stop myself from rendering this #it was only supposed to be a quick sketch/doodle #then i zoned out and when i came to it had color sobs #i also took liberties with his design #i saw all those details and my brain went 'bestie abt that...'

[definitelyonsomething]

Greetings !! Just wanted to inform you that I cannot read your pinned post as the font you used to hard for me to read :D

Hello Hello!!

divider by xxbimbobunnyxx

writing only English for this blog

I attend school but I will write (almost) any request

I mainly write for:

Genshin Impact

Death Note

Alice in Borderland (occasionally now that I think about it)

Black Butler (Kuroshitsuji)

she/her

straight

(Thank you so much for reaching out! I picked that font because it mostly fits the theme of my blog so I apologize in advance for that. Now that you're here, I just need to express how much I love your blog!! Even after finding it today, I realized I liked some of your post but genuinely forgot to follow!! Again, thank you so much <3)

#SCREAMS #I had to remind myself that this is just an ask to stop myself from writing so much #sobs #ILY MWA MWA MWA #SOBS #AND MORE SOBS

[worldssilliestserpent]

bruhh the world really hates me this week

#let's see what happened? what hell did I go through? #we were down 12 people this week on the team- so we had two 12-hour work days #my body hurts and my feet are blistered- and I was assigned to help my supervisor wrap up in equipment for the week #which I barely got training on #yesterday I accidentally tripped the emergency fire exit alarm in walmart cause my dumbass didn't watch where I was going #which caused me to have a meltdown which I was trying VERY hard to hold back and not sob my eyes out in front of my boss #My belt buckle broke while I was working today so I had to stop and shop for a new one #I tripped and ate shit while packing the equipment cases into my supervisor's hotel room last night #my leg gave out from under me when I tried to stand up after counting a shelf in grocery and I rolled my ankle #I got lost when my supervisor told me to take the equipment to the back room #I had to stop and ask two walmart employees where it was located- neither of them knew #I've been overstimulated since first break this morning #I got so many scratches on my arrms from counting pegs in apparel and those bitches are so sharp they'd make my therapist concerned #aaaand while wrapping up equipment there was a bike hung up on a shelf and I ran face-first into the handlebar and I bent my glasses frames #so now I gotta get those fixed #I'm quickly making my way to the top in competing for 'most directionally challenged' as my supervisor jokingly put it #I'M GONNA GO DOWN TO THE LOBBY TOMORROW MORNING AND MAKE MYSELF A WAFFLE FOR BREAKFAST #I DESERVE A TREAT

[diapause]

obviously I logically understand why but I hate when homeless people asking for money have to lie about xyz illnesses, cancers etc that they have.

like ma'am I can tell you are an addict and I am still okay to give you some change because everyone has to eat to live. and if you spend that on something else that is your decision not mine. withdrawal can kill people too obviously and these are people that obviously are unable to access services to detox safely so like ... what is the issue.

why does this woman have to tell some extreme exaggerated story about having 4 types of stage 4 cancer and 2 past heart attacks and paraplegia (whilst walking) just to get a stranger to hand her £6 from his pocket ???

#just upset at the state of things #that people aren't just sympathetic to addicts and have to be told some even worse sob story to help them #also ik paraplegia doesn't always stop people from walking completely. #I myself have actually finally had some nerve damage discovered in my left leg that has been adding to my walking problems my entire life #apparently due to either a hip of pelvic injury as a child that was not seen by professionals #I have an x ray booked. it explains a lot honestly because my left knee and ankle just refuse to work a lot of the time #so maybe I can get a custom kafo or smth now. who knows #anyway got totally sidetracked there. ik oaralysed ppl can walk but I don't think this woman had any issue she claimed. #she was just an addict and that shouldn't put people off.

[jerryboo]

True form.  Inspired by the last scene from DLS S3 ep 13 (Vlad x Laia)

Fresh red blood dripping down its claws and fangs.

A feral grin. No trace, no shadow of anything human in its eyes.

Only the endless darkness

Turning around it reached for her, clawed hands grasping at her delicate throat. She didn’t resist at first. Her mouth simply moved in a silent ‘no’, begging the universe to undo the horror that lay before her, pleading with it to bring back the man she loved. She looked into its face, into its eyes looking for a semblance of him but instead cold, hard eyes of a deranged monster stared back at her. Eyes devoid of emotion, razor focused, beholding only one goal; destruction. Still, she didn't give up hope and she was sure he was still in there he had to be. The beating heart that lay deep inside the monster’s chest did still belong to him.

Deciding it had had enough of the staring game, it slowly lifted her higher. Now she struggled, clawing at his hands, shouting at it to let her go this instant. Instead he tightened his hold on her throat, a sharp nail pressed against her neck like a dagger and all of a sudden she went limp. All her bravado gone, her anger sated. Leaving in its path a broken heart and a well of sadness where all the hopes and dreams she had for her and her love’s future, drowned.

The monster watched her, its eyebrows furrowed. Her sadness affected him, stabbed at his heart and for a moment, recognition flickered in its eyes. A flicker of him, a brief glance at the human it was before and then it was gone. Letting out a guttural roar of annoyance, it tossed her to the ground. It turned around to look at the figure that lay on the ground, her shoulders shaking, hands clutching at her throat as she mourned the love she lost. The assault in its chest started anew and it quickly averted its eyes, walking away in long strides.

She could feel the familiar pricking at the back of her eyes and sobs escaped her in seconds. Her tears however were not born out of fear from death, it sprang from the guilt she held in her heart. Guilt that she couldn't save the man she loved, guilt that he became the very monster he vowed to never become, guilt that perhaps it all started and ended this way because of her.

~ This update broke me, absolutely heartbroken which naturally inspired me to write again! Sorry I disappeared for a bit there😭 but I started uni and life got busy. BUT i’ve been trying to get back into writing and have bonus material for my love language and parent (series?) planned which I hope to get out soon! Really hope y'all like this because ive written after a long time and its very different from my usually work. <33

#dracula: a love story #dls #rc dls #dracula a love story #romance club #rc #dls vlad #I know this is weak for the plot but I hope it all turns out to be this vision that Laia had and Vlad is actually all fine #had to stop myself from sobbing during my lecture #dls rc #dls noe #dls leo #dls sandra #dls spoilers

[robyn-goodfellowe]

#fun fact! this song is in the playlist of quite literally anything ive ever written including like 4 different twtt playlists #despite this i cannot associate it with ANYTHING ive ever made its the only low roar song i cant do it with #after The Incident (iykyk) there was a brief time where i was like completely isolated from everyone and i spent all of my time reading bc #i literally could not handle anything else without losing my mind and bursting into hysterics #and i was reading one step too far by lisa gardener #and it was at the part where the guy just snapped and started chasing frankie and everyone that was still alive #and i just had this song on loop bc it fit the mood so well #god #i cant stop thinking of when he fucking gets shot and he starts talking about his husband like it still makes me tear up i really thought h #he would make it #i really didnt think they would kill off EVERY SINGLE FUCKING CHARACTER I LIKED IN THE ENTIRE FUCKASS BOOK #and after reading that shit i still go hiking by myself in places where nobody could find me if i died. clearly i do not pay attention to #cautionary tales. #anyways yeah really good book you should read it. you will be hysterically sobbing btw #listen to my music boy #Spotify

[ziemiawypalona]

saw polin for the first time. God

#incredible museum. had to stop myself from sobbing so many times

[noxtivagus]

i shld sleep oh my god

#🌙.rambles #i am somehow not rlly sleepy despite barely having sleep but my head does ache slightly. but just a few more stuff left in this week n #i'll properly rest for a bit ! bcs next week even though we're gna have a break ofc there's like.. prom n then that vacation right after T_ #gna be fun but i'm. definitely gna be rlly tired. n.. nah i need to stop overthinking abt sm stuff #just. anxious that i might end up being too shy. usually in social events like that i realize i #end up pushing myself a bit too much n then it ends w me just putting on a strong facade #i'm worried too i think bcs two of my friends haven't.. reconciled yet? so. yeah it is possible i may have to deal w some stuff during prom #fuck. i'm just. worried abt a lot of things in general. but i'm mostly overthinking it. everything. #sigh in general i'm being too harsh on myself again. wtf maybe it's the sleep-deprivation or smth bcs ik i'll manage it all #i believe in myself n know i'm capable but. it's just.. overwhelming rn i think. n it. hurts bcs it's like before in a way..? n like my wol #i wonder. what we'd all do if we were hypothetically given the chance to be able to do whatever we wanted in a day n have whatever we want #without changing the reality we have now or yeah no consequences at all. just a lil day in an alternate world we could control #if you were to choose for yourself n only for yourself what would you do? #sob ig i relate w rinoa too bcs of that strong facade part. i wrote that for my wol too #but like even w all that in the end uh. every time i read these sort of stuff it comforts me deep down #bcs i remember back then when i rlly just had my family #that.. loneliness. i write abt it a lot huh. not that i'm exactly seeking for something. maybe before bcs i didn't talk w my friends anymor #but now i suppose it's just something painfully constant. but not really too #i can't.. put it into words rn n i'm low on sleep. but i rmb just daydreaming to myself back then of my wol's development though #from heavensward.. sorta hiding herself n having to be strong for others. though she so desperately just wants to let her guard down #n be free yk. a break from all her responsibilities n rest.. she's young after all. but while i do relate with that it's still #yk particularly w the context of my wol being yeah the warrior of light in ffxiv. but. i rmb writing of how then that was being strong for #her. n.. yeah she was healing from stuff then. that's hw. but in stormblood ooh i wrote here that she put her emotions to the side #bottled them. became more serious n i tied that w being a samurai main back in stb w duty stuff help this connects well but it's funny #hesitant in heavensward to trying to do things more on her own in stormblood to.. accepting it all in shadowbringers #shy/quiet was more in hw while being serious/calm was in stb. raghhh i rmb my notes well in 2021 but i'm so afraid to look at like #the stuff i wrote last year 💀 but. oh my this is embarrassing but i do like how i even just dump my thoughts. it's bittersweetly beautiful #maybe i'm trying to accept everything at once or yk putting too much pressure on myself to improve holistically. #like.. i want to write before i grow older than my fav charas yk? n then just think of lots of stuff too n. #be productive. study. n idk just more more more in general but i could be less harsh on myself. yeah

[aberooski]

It's astounding how one thing can ruin your entire day and destroy your entire emotional state.

#every single fucking time i try to apply for something i get ghosted or rejected #like i fucking get it i have no value or place in society you can stop throwing it in my face already #and every single time my whole family is just all ''you just have to keep looking you'll find something it'll be fine'' #fuck right off with that shit #it's gotten to the point that I'm sobbing in my bedroom because I got rejected by the fucking aldis down the street from my house #and for a fucking part time position at that. I get it. i didn't work until college then only worked on campus. and went to school for music #but i have too much anxiety to be a teacher and am just not that kind of person. i have no skills or experience so fuck even trying for #anything even remotely halfway decent #I haven't worked in over a year since I graduated and the longer it gets the harder it is to get back into working yknow? #your value just decreases every fucking second so no one will give me the time of fucking day #i kinda had a job for like a fucking week last month that I didn't even want I was pushed into it and I hated it and cried so much #every day I actually almkst made myself sick from the crying and intense anxiety and then a week in they were like hey we like you and all #you're a good person and a very nice girl you're just no right for here so we're firing you essentially. so now I'm even more fucked #I've never felt more lost and more like the universe had no place for me anymore #and being in singing in the rain at my community theater was the only good thing I had in my life where I felt I had a place again #but the show's over now so I'm back to having nothing and nowhere and just don’t know what to do anymore #no wonder I can't fucking write anymore I'm just too sad all the time #abby's self deprication hour #abby's serious corner #I did make some progress in the mario crossover the other day when I felt pretty good actually though so that's something right? #I'm trying I really am

[purpleponder]

Reading a really sad fanfic during a really long car ride with your family is the worse possible thing to do

#i was reading an Encanto fanfic #and started crying #had to stop myself from loudly sobbing #it’s one where Mirable suffers from Hanahaki #AO3 #it’s called Rosas Doradas #really good angst if you need to feel something #and if that something is SaDNess #Fuck #man… #fanfic #encanto

[spot-spots]

I am not okay. I am fucking crying. I saw this coming miles ago but IT HURTS. I'm suing TBB writers and making them pay my therapy

#have i mentioned that im not okay? #the bad batch #the bad batch spoilers #kinda #i literally had to stop myself from crying too hard bc my parents are sleeping on the room next to mine #i was SOBBING #i still am btw