#i actually hate all of these but fuck it we ball

[sturnsbabie]

FRIENDS- C.STURNIOLO

pairing: chris x reader

summary:in which chris and reader have always had a flirty friendship but theres more to it then just flirting. what will happen when chris confronts the girl about all the drunken hook ups they had?

warnings: swearing, slight arguing, f!recieving, p in v, fluff.

chris and y/n have been friends for three years now they met thru social media and they have always had a flirty friendship with eachother.

the two were very close some would say way too close for someone who is just friends.

they claim theyre just friends but friends dont look at friends that way nor just friends know the way eachother tastes.

they both are too stubborn to admit to eachother that they have feelings for eachother.

they have hooked up a few times here and there most of the times when they were drunk but once they were both sober. this is how it always happens they go to a party get drunk then they start making out and getting handsy with eachother til chris ends up having her bent over a bathroom sink.

they never bring up these moments to eachother. they like to keep it that way so they dont have to talk about their feelings. they both avoid doing so because of the fact that they are both scared of commitment.

everyone sees it though they can tell how inlove with eachother they are. everyone except the two of them can tell. which deep down they both know but they are too scared to admit it.

y/n was currently on her way to chris’ house to hangout. she was excited to see him as she hadnt seen him or his brothers for a week because they were in boston.

she had been waiting all week to see him. she missed his presence and hanging with him. as much as she hated to admit it she missed the feeling of his lips on hers and the feeling of their bodies being connected as one. she missed it more than she should. she knew she shouldnt feel like this because theyre supposed to just be friends.

little did the girl know that chris felt the same exact way. always constantly thinking of her lips on his and them pretty lil noises that come out of her mouth when he’s balls deep inside of her.

the girl had pulled into the driveway of his house. she parked and walked into the boys house as this was their usual routine.

chris was currently sitting on the couch with his brothers as the girl walked up the stairs into the living room.

the boys smiled instantly when they saw the girl walking over to the couch. the girl immediately went over to chris and sat down next to him and he pulled her into his arms.

“missed you” chris mumbled as he held the girl in his arms.

“missed you too” she said.

.•°♡°•.

it had been a few hours of the two hanging out and now they were currently in his room. chris wanted to talk to the girl about everything from

the hookups that they promised to not talk about to him having feelings for her.

“hey y/n?” chris said softly as they were laying beside eachother.

“hmm?” the girl said.

“we needa talk.” he said as he got up from laying on her chest.

“about what?” the girl said confused.

“what do you mean what? we need to talk about us!” he said looking at her.

“chris what us? we are just friends.” the girl said and thats what set chris off.

“what the fuck do you mean we are just friends? so all the times we have hooked up and everything that meant nothing to you!?” chris raised his voice a bit feeling hurt from the words the girl had said.

“we were drunk chris!”she said not being able to find the right words she actually wanted to say.

“oh so im just another drunken hook up to you!? thats nice to know thats how you think of me.” chris said as he got off of his bed standing up.

“you’re not just another hookup chris! stop with the fucking nonsense coming from your mouth!” the girl said rolling her eyes.

with that chris sat back on his bed inching his face close to the girls. “look me in the eyes and tell me you don’t feel the same way about me as i feel about you.” he said with his voice raspy.

the girl felt heat instantly go to her core the way he was talking and looking at her. “i cant do that.” she said scared to tell him how she truly feels about him.

“i know you have feelings for me just the way i have for you baby. its okay you dont have to be scared to tell me that.” he said as he closed the distance between the two smashing his lips onto hers.

the girl felt butterflies as this kiss was different from all the drunken ones. it was passionate filled with love and emotions.

the kiss was slow and gentle as chris pushed the girl back on the bed hovering over her and pressing his lips back on the girls.

the girl felt her core start to ache for him as she felt his errection growing against her core.

the kiss began to grow heated as chris rocked his hips against the girls causing her to let out a soft whimper into his mouth.

chris pressed a few soft kisses on her neck. “let me show you how much you mean to me baby.” he said playing with the hem of her shorts

“go ahead.”she said.

and with that chris slid her shorts off then slid her shirt off of her leaving her bare on his bed.

“so pretty baby.”he stared at her body in awe of how beautiful she was.

chris loved every part of her body. in his eyes she was the most beautiful girl ever. she was such a sweet girl, he loved the friendship she had with his brothers and the way they got along with them. chris just thought everything about the girl was so perfect.

chris slid his clothes off leaving him in his boxers as he hovered over the girl kissing her lips softly working his way down her body.

chris left soft kisses on the girls inner thighs leading up to her core licking a stripe up her wet cunt.

the girl let out a soft moan slightly bucking her hips causing chris to chuckle. “patience baby wanna take my time with you.”he said

he started to suck on the girls clit as he held her thighs down making eye contact with the girl as he swirled his tounge around her sensitive clit.

the girl ran her hands thru his hair as he started to work his tounge in and out of her entrance causing her to let out moans.

chris then attached his tounge back to her clit as he inserted a finger inside of her watching her facial expressions of pleasure.

the girl felt her orgasm growing closer and closer as she started to clench around chris’ finger.

“cum for me baby.” chris said as he added another finger starting to finger her at a fast pace.

the girl threw her head back in pleasure moaning loudly as she released all over his fingers.

chris slid his fingers out of her licking them clean as he pressed a soft kiss on his clit before hovering back over her. “always taste so sweet.”

chris reached down slipping his boxers off and pressed his lips onto hers kissing her sloppily as he brushed his tip against her entrance before pushing into her.

the girl whimpered into his mouth as he started thrusting into her as he interlocked their hands together as she wrapped her legs around his waist.

chris pressed soft kisses all over the girls face as he slowly started to pound into her just enjoying the moment,making love to her.

they held eachother close as he kept moving deep inside of her. nothing in the world mattered at the moment just the two of them.

chris rested his forehead on hers as he looked her in the eyes. “so beautiful.”he said as he started to thrust into her at a faster pace.

chris kept pressing soft kisses all over the girls face as he was balls deep inside of her hitting every inch. like her body was made just for him.

“you take me so well baby.” he said as she moaned in response.

at this point chris was taking his sweet time with her just enjoying the two of them being this close.

he kissed her softly as he started to pound into her as he felt her starting to clench around him.

“cum for me princess.” he said as he took his hand down to her clit starting to rub it with his thumb as his hips were rolling into hers.

the girl moaned his name repeatedly as she coated his cock with her cum. chris fucked her through her orgasm as she started to feel him twitch inside her hinting that he was gonna cum soon.

chris sloppily thrusted into her a few times as he came deep inside of her filling her up completely. he thrusted a few times helping him come down from his high before pulling out.

once he pulled out he laid beside the girl pulling her into his chest rubbing her back as he kissed her forehead.

“wanna go shower mama?”he asked her as she looked at him.

she had messy hair and swollen lips with a neck littered with hickeys but to chris she was the most beautiful girl ever.

“yeah lets take one” she said softly.

chris nodded and got up and picked her up carrying her to the bathroom.

he sat her down on his sink as he fixed the shower water for the both of them.

the girl sat there admiring him as he got the water ready for them. once he did that he came over to the girl picking her up and placing her into the shower.

he got in with her and held her close to him as they just stood underneath the water.

he rubbed her back as they stood underneath the water, he grabbed her chin making her look at him.

“i love you.” he said softly.

“i love you too chris.” she smiled.

chris kissed the girl softly letting those emotions show. she belonged to him and he belonged to her.

they werent just friends they were much more than that.

TAGLIST: @eupiasworld , @sturniolosloves , @mattslovelygf , @smittensturniolos , @hauntedxchris , @hearts4tatemcrae , @bernardsbendystraws , @jo-777 , @wurlibydominicfike , @meerkatzthings , @jnkvivi , @sturnzblog , @pinklittleflower , @sturnioloblogs

#sturniolo triplets #nick sturniolo #matt sturniolo #sturniolo triplets imagines #chris sturniolo #nicolas sturniolo #chris sturniolo imagine #christopher sturniolo #christopher sturniolo imagines #matt sturniolo imagines #chris sturniolo fanfic #matt sturniolo fanfic #matthew sturniolo #matthew sturniolo imagines #chris sturniolo smut #matt sturniolo smut #nate doe imagines #nate doe #nathan doe smut #sturniolo triplet imagines

[tortellinigirl]

I feel like recently, ADHD has kind of become shorthand for “a person who is annoying online and has no real problems,” and I don’t really think that’s awesome news, given the context that ADHD has a long history of being disregarded as a made up disorder that’s just an excuse for poor/obnoxious behavior, no matter how much scientific research proves otherwise. ADHD is not by any means the only disorder that has people making a thousand misleading tiktoks about it, so perhaps do some critical thinking about why specifically ADHD has become the poster child for that behavior. There are certainly valid criticisms to be made of the way we discuss mental health online, but maybe use your brain and determine why this disorder in particular is the one that’s easiest to point at for being “annoying” and “not that big of a deal.”

#idk maybe if u actually watched a couple of the tiktoks u might learn that the lack of focus thing is reall not the main issue #its just what the people around us are most likely to notice and be bothered by #not saying it doesnt get obnoxious seeing people say the same thing over and over #and yes some people are like purposely vague and disingenuous about the symptoms to get views from people thinking they have it now #but i see that with everything. like autism PTSD depression OCD anxiety #im always getting tiktoks saying that im a lesbian or i have repressed memories or “x normal thing is a symptom of y disorder!!” #and yes its annoying but its probably somewhat helpful to people who actually are dealing w those things #and also like. if u simply stop treating ur for you page like a crystal ball that sees into your soul and reflects it back #and realize its just an algorithm designed to make u interact whether thats bc u like what u saw or fucking hated it #then u will not be as bothered ! #but yes our generation seems to have a habit of constantly trying to find the right box to out ourselves in so we can be like. “marketable” #like people seem to want to design their personality like an movie character or something #but its so shitty that we’re dog piling all that on ADHD as if our specific disorder has anything to do with it #also personally i think its kind of normal to be really focused on a particular aspect of your identity when u just discovered it #and it usually evens out and just becomes part of the background of your identity #but yes there’s often a problem with pathologizing normal things #but i think its important to recognize that lots of things that are normal occasionally are pathological in excess. like thats how it works #like we’ve all been through how being sad sometimes is not the same as depression #why cant we grasp that occasionally going into a room and forgetting why you’re there isnt the same as ADHD #my posts

[foxgloveinspace]

I did what I always do when I get this storm anxiety and I watched goofy videos and reels all day and today ha get like three days and also I’m just so so so stressed about tomorrow night cause my whole family is gonna be split up around the county and I’m so so…. Not ok.

#very much so #uuugh #I hate tornadoes so freaking much. #would feel better if we had a storm shelter of ANY KIND but the closest we have is the half basement in my aunts hous (in the same yard as #us) but like!! NOTHING HERE. we live in a tiny ass trailer house!!! #I’m gonna fucking vomit. #and of course no one actually takes me seriously #like they are predicting SOFT BALL SIZE HAIL. not even tornadoes this time is the main worry 🥎 size hail. #uuuuuuugh. I think most everyone in the family will be home….. when it hits….. but fuck dude I think my sister will still be at work and #she is the BIGGEST liability in this shit thunderstorms do NOT scare her at all and I HATE IT. #and by that I don’t me ‘she doesn’t worry’ I MEAN SHE STANDS OUT ON OUR METAL FRONT PORCH AND WATCHES THEM. #she’s crazy!!!! #I know I’m just….. repeating myself a lot but I’m so terrified you guys. #I don’t think anything will happen and yet…. this is so scary to me #and I’m just…. it’s the first time in a while we’ve been directly in the Bad Zone and it’s so so scary

[tvckerwash]

hmmm I'm thinking about wash's stance on the training accident and I think it would be so funny if he gave maine a lecture about it afterwards

#they have a whole moment together that essentially boils down to wash telling maine that he's should know better and that bad orders exist #and maine is genuinely sorry because he knows it was a bad call and he tells wash that #and wash replies with “I know you are but I'm not the one who you should be apologizing too.” #wash treating maine like he's a human being with thoughts and feelings instead of a mindless weapon my beloved #maine is not happy about having to apologize to york btw. idk why we all decided that maine hates york but it's so funny #maine is a man of few words and he cannot stand the fact that york is incapable of shutting the fuck up lol #rvb #red vs blue #agent maine #agent washington #mine #lina lectures wyoming later after she knows that york is going to be okay #I really like the idea of wash being beta squads field leader and when he and ct get bumped up he shares leader duties w lina #lina is probs a commissioned officer so she technically outranks wash in under regard but she's probably fresh out of the academy when shes #recruited for pfl and commissioned officers are expected to learn the ropes from enlisted nco's so I like to think that she #really values wash's opinion on stuff and she feels confident knowing that she can look to him #the other freelancers could've done the same thing but they're all kinda. you know. so wash got the position by virtue of being the only gu #who had the balls to go up to lina and make the proposition of *gasp* cooperation #i actually have a hc that when wash and ct were first moved up and were on their first mission w alpha squad #stuff was bad and wash sort of undercuts lina by giving south and maine different orders (bc they were also both previously beta squad) #and said orders ended up being the right call and carolina is kind of mad about wash ignoring her authority #so after they get debriefed wash apologizes to lina in the locker room for it bc it was not his intention to steal her thunder #and he asks if they can start over and maybe work something out #and lina accepts his apology and york is kinda balking bc the way wash words it sounds vaguely like he's asking her on a date #york gets no bitches and cannot complete with wash's earnest rizz bdhshj

[emile-hides]

Hello Romantic Killer tag I am back I finished the show Riri’s still on Thin Fucking Ice but I will concede it was worth the watch and I am looking forward to a season two if it gets one

#Now everyone go watch Mushi-shi on Crunchyroll #Still squeezing Riri like a stress ball with the kinda strength that makes you worry I'm going to pop it #Love when a RomCom does something more serious personally I like a dark anime and I'm punting Riri in to the sun still #But now it's in more a Blorbo way like how everyone treats Spamton G. Spamton #And also in a full of rage way still #Pull their cheeks noogie their head push them down the stairs #I do not like them I do not like them I will not think about liking them #Junta is perfection the most perfect character and I love him #Am I going to track down if there's a manga and read it if I can find it? #no. #I am going to rewatch Mushi-Shi on Crunchyroll because it has all but the Movie and one OVA and be abnormal about that instead #Before I love hate my way into self shipping with Riri INSTEAD OF JUNTA WHO IS THE CORRECT CHOICE #BRAIN. #Anyway I apologize for my previous post making it into main tags normally when I swear in tags Tumblr hides the post #Apparently we don't do that anymore #I liked the show I promise it was stupid and funny I want to punt Riri and I Do Not Like Them #Romantic Killer #I actually forgot the fucking fandom tag there's no way this ends up in the main tag now fkjgkdfjgkfjkgdfjk I'm so dumb

[thecomet-and-themeteor]

I don't know how much sense this makes but I need a Langelique Cinderella AU, I think it'd work pretty well

#brought to you by: #my last post about angelique's fuck-ass sneakers #& juliet #and juliet #&j #okay but genuinely I think it would work really well #like Angelique is working for lady and daddy cap right #ignore how I called him daddy cap we did Romeo and Juliet for the school play this year and that's what we all called him #and like May and Juliet are the quote unquote evil stepsters #but you know they're not evil they're just like way nicer in comparison to their parents #and like you know the prince holds a ball to find a wife and it's this like whole thing #because lady and daddy cap want Juliet and may to go to like end up with the prince #and like the prince is still Frankie here because maycois is goated let's be real #and like this is kind of where you could either make it centric to a specific ship or you could just do like the whole thing as an au #you could say that like Frankie likes May but when they approach the capulets they're like oh Juliet you want Juliet and it's a whole thing #and you could do jumeo because I don't know maybe Romeo is like you know what Paris was like in the actual Romeo and Juliet play Romeo is #like Paris and the capulets hate him because Lance has kind of like pushing Frankie to be with Romeo but Romeo wants to be with Juliet #and Juliet wants to be with Romeo and blah blah blah but Lance and Angelique specifically comes in where it's like okay but what if Lance i #also looking for a new partner at these balls because you know his wife like died and he needs someone else to share the throne with and #that's why both may and Juliet end up going because their parents don't care about the age difference because their parents suck and they'r #just like you're going to end up with royalty one way or another and you know Angelique is like be safe and actually parenting them and #and warning them and making sure they're prepared to like actually go out to this ball because royalty or not it's still dangerous and #they're both like why don't you just come with us and it's a bit where like maybe April and William play the role of fairy godparents #and you know Angelique is able to go and she meets Lance and they have their little shoe thing and they have the Cinderella ark meanwhile #there's the whole love square with May Frankie Juliet and Romeo and Juliet gets to have a moment where it's like how are you so controlling #that you're pushing May to get with a man like 30 years their senior yet you cant deal with me getting with the wrong rich guy and may is #like screw y'all Juliet was The Golden child anyway okay I get what I want now and it's all happily ever after #and angelique gets Lance a magical girl transformation and some CLEAN FUCKING SNEAKERS EVEN MINE ARENT THAT DIRTY N I DONT CLEAN EM FOR SHI #anyways

[paldogangsaan]

that is NOT hiyori. i don’t care what adachitoka says

#that girl yato saw in father’s weird workd thing is not hiyori #like first of all #she looks different and so are her vibes #secondly #making her yato’s shinki SPITS in the face of the previous themes #and more importantly it SPITS ON HER CHARACTER ARC #‘oh but she wanted to be a shinki’ IS THE WHOLE POINT NOT THAT PPL DIE YOUNG AND REGRET IT??? #IS THE WHOLE POINT NOT THAT HIYORI IS LIKE 16 AND THEREFORE TOO YOUNG #TO DIE AND MAKE THAT CHOICE #if that’s truly her then i’m sorry but the ball was dropped #her being a shinki would legitimately be one of the worst endings for her #her life was cut short and she’s lost all memories of ppl she loved before #and what?? the manga will end?? we’ll be stuck with wondering what yato and yukine will do? #will we have a time skip? will she be allowed to keep her memories bc of some asspull magic at the last second? #idk i refuse to believe that she’s actually his shinki #that is NOT her #and if it is this will just join a long list of media that ruined their finales #noragami #hiyori iki #if you like her being a shinki good for you but i personally fucking hate it #meta #iki hiyori

[squishious]

list of my grievances in the tags bc this has been the most miserable week ever and the only person i could conceivably complain to is also going through it

#starting strong with at least 2 midterms/papers due every fucking day except monday #moving on to daylight savings happening when i am already sleep deprived as fuck #and then university wide power and internet outage <3 #also general malaise and sad vy the time we reach halfway through the week #fucking evil [redacted] midterm #where i study my ass of and flop so bad #in a truly unifixable way i fear #was supposed to be my fun class to goddammit #and its so fucking windy today which i actually hate #gale wind warnibg = cannot sit outside in the sun and forget abt wverything #THEN #i go to cafe for a pick me up and fi ish bibliography #and the internet will not connect no matter what i do #AND #friend is coming to visit me tmrw but its actually just to pic up an ikon pass and she isnt even gonna hang out for a bit #no fault of her own but #its annyoninh on top of all this :( #genuinly the grade thibg is fucking with me so much i had to have done TERRIBLY to go from a 100 to what i have noe #and i thought i did bad but like. not thag bad #anyways i simply want to curl up into a ball and ignore everything for a couple days but ! i cannot #bc paper due tonight and exam tmrw and then saturday i have to go see my brothers performance which #notmally would be rlly fun #but after this week i want to dissapear for a day #and then sunday rehearsal #and then wednesday midtemr again ! fuck me !! #and then friday quiz but at least its onlinr #and then stayrday holi then break which like fun but also means going home #and im already miserable #so not twlling anyone abt grade flop And generally being home = ultra misesable???? #squish speaks

[yeehawbvby]

Why (WHY) do neurotypicals always perceive being quiet, or reserved, or not seeking out other people, or even something as simple as rejecting food or something as an act of snootiness??? Like why do they see it as you thinking you’re better than them rather than just timid or something?? I don’t understand

Like the amount of times I find out people think that I believe I’m “above” them in some way (and therefore they like actually, fully despise me) just because I’m fucking shy and frankly VERY scared of humans is so high!!

It hurts so much because in reality I hate myself and all I want is irl friendship, but I can’t have that because of my limitations and others’ social expectations. The absolute last thing I’d think is that someone is like ~too lowly~ to be part of my life or whatever

It’s so fucking weird and unfair I hate being a human I just wanna be a fucking worm or house cat or something

#obligatory ‘not all neurotypicals’ #I’m ANGY and SAD #why are people so needlessly mean #being nd is so hard when you’re introverted as fuck #not to say it isn’t hard for people who aren’t introverts but like #in a society where the ability to be social runs your life (at least in the states it’s like this I can’t #speak for everywhere) it’s LEGITIMATELY life-altering in a negative way to be shy for reasons like that #it’s so frustrating and I hate it #vent #delete later #shut up crisa #tw self deprecation #fuck it we ball (not gonna delete actually)

[leatherbookmark]

ootd features the words "black dress" in its lyrics and people are like oh! this is a reference to another group's song, "black dress"!

i'm unwell.

#shrimp thoughts #also 'you people just Don't Understand' part 2: apparently there will be Part Two. just like with gee idle's allergy and queen/card #which. lol. apparently 'when allergy came out people were shocked because the it was basically 'if you're ugly tough shit just get a #surgery' but once queen/card came out everything was clear!' and like. how was it clear. what was clear. #one song is 'boo hoo i'm so ugly i hate looking at myself in the mirror and no one likes me i should get plastic surgery' #and the other is like 'ya hoo i'm so hot and sexy i'm like these two western celebrities!!!! i'm so cool i'm twerking on the runway' #kp/op kinda sucks balls in that it's like.... musical equivalent of tjlc crossed with marvel. it's basic ass pop made to sell except with a #faux deep garnish. and sometimes the garnish stands on its own! like if you take guerrilla it's clear that there's actually no deeper or #more detailed philosophy behind it. it's not really n.o where the 'rebellion' was actually supposed to be against something concrete #it's like. we want to feel! we don't want... not to feel! but the sound and visuals are strong enough that you don't mind it #like fuck yeah the lads are staging a revolution now! and now they're outlaws in a western! sort of! and now it's alice in wonderland! #but v often the companies actively make use of the fact that kp/op stans will obsessively look for Depth and Serious Themes in their #cultural reset slaying sotys. a girl looks at a butterfly? oh the song is about having an identity crisis like in that one poem about a guy #dreaming about being a butterfly. it's actually very deep and you can see it was all planned because there was a little butterfly icon #above the tracklist. and the fans get so attached to their headcanons theories and interpretations that they don't stop for a second #to check if there was anything in the 'text' in the first place #remember that one magritte post? this is also how kp/op stans interpret things. she wears a blue dress here and blue is the color of summer #and summer is when you have holidays and don't have to go to school! so by this blue dress she's trying to say that you should love #yourself and strive to be the best version of yourself by embracing your hobbies and extracurricular interests. this is so genius 😭

[jvzebel-x]

🦋

x. polite because no one deserves to be purposefully treated rudely. kind because kindness keeps a person gentle. sweet because making people smile is uplifting. helpful for the same reason. supportive because if you dont have anything nice to say, it's extremely easy not to say anything at all. above all, do unto others what you would have them do unto you.

o. polite because it's the best way to fade all the way into the background. kind because i'm too afraid to let myself be cruel. sweet because of overwhelming&pathetic desperation to make people happy. helpful because it's too exhausting to cause waves. supportive because other's goals are a great distraction from my own. above all, a smile makes the best camouflage as long as no one can ever see you sweat.

x. lonely+isolated because of mental+physical health restrictions. i miss people-- i miss being surprised, i miss relating to people on any level that isn't abject pain. i miss connection, communion, community.

o. alone+introspective because it pays off to be so. i don't miss people at all-- in fact it is a true sign of growth that it is not my knee-jerk reaction to say that i hate them for everything that (an admittedly small sampling of) people have done to me.

x. i am so terrified of communication at this point, &traumatized by Other People just in general, that i regularly shut my notifications off on everything because the sound of any form of notification ring that i recognize can literally kick off vicious panic attacks and send me running for dark corners, lmao. i am pathetic-- but i am a survivor.

o: i am charming, fun, &social to varying degrees dependent on the work. i am adaptable, everything from the center of attention to support staff with ease. smiling through blood in my mouth&talking to basically anyone for minutes to hours is child's play-- literally, since that is when i learned it.

x. pride over the skills i've developed over a lifetime of nonsense. made possible by mania, perhaps.

o. shame over the skills i've developed over a lifetime of nonsense. put off by disassociation, definitely.

x. i am kind and small and smiling and invisible. please just leave me alone. please don't even look at me, i literally cannot bear it, i just want to be alone again, please do not hurt me, i will do anything to make you happy if you just promise not to hurt me.

o. i am vicious and bloody and loud, and i will make you look at me, i will make you see me. i will give you a reason for that sneer, &i have no problem giving and taking blood in the process. my blood is worth so much less that i will win this no matter what-- i am braver than you could ever be because i have nothing that i'm afraid i'll lose.

x: i just want to make people smile.

o: i just want to never see another living person ever again.

x: like me, like me, like me. please just like me. i just want to be safe from abject hatred. i just want to be likeable. i can be anything, anyone-- it isn't like i want to keep all my parts, anyway, just tell me what i need to toss to be normal. just tell me what to chop off to be loveable.

o: i will give you every reason to fucking hate me if that is what's going to happen, anyway. i have spent a lifetime becoming who i am, usually against my will-- i can finally look in the mirror without flinching, &i won't let anyone take that away from me. you'll pry my forced self-acceptance out of my cold, dead hands.

x: i have been so lucky. i have been so fucking lucky. every single day i am reminded of all the many ways it could have been worse, things could have been worse, life could have been worse. i am so lucky. i owe the red string everything for letting me finally be someone i like sometimes.

o: i might have been lucky, but somehow i doubt anyone treating my gratitude or happiness like a red flag would be capable of living a day in my life-- or any singular one of the days i've lived thus far. but i can definitely give them a taste if that's what they need to wipe the snide looks off their faces. i'll hate myself after for giving in to the temptation, though. i always do.

x: there's good in everything. if you look for it, there will always be good somewhere. you just need to look. happiness is a conscious decision. kindness is a conscious decision. being a decent person is a perpetual and conscious decision.

o: there's bad in everything, too, and the second i see it, i cannot unsee it. or forgive it, usually. why is it so much easier to see how much people fucking suck?

x: i want perfection. practice, constant effort, dedication-- i need perfection, i'll get perfection. if i can't, what's the point? if there's not even the possibility, what is the fucking point? how am i supposed to live if i know my lifelong goal is&always has been unattainable?

o. perfection isn't an objective possibility. how many times&different ways do i need to fail at the impossible reality before it actually settles in. it isn't possible. i'm dedicating my life to an impossible pursuit. more specifically, i'm committing myself to eternal&constant punishment for failure. why, though. why am i like this.

x. i hate myself so much sometimes i feel like i might actually lose my mind.

o. i am so full of pride sometimes i feel like i might burst at the fucking seams with it all.

x. i am terrified that i'm not capable of living unless it's fighting uphill. who am i without the struggle? who am i past the trauma?

o. if fighting uphill is what made me what i am, what does it matter if i never lose the edge? why should it matter if i need the extra motivation? if i can handle it, why should the struggle be a bad thing?

#so my bipolar diagnosis has been a central theme in my life for the past couple months right. #&i have a really. specific. relationship w my diagnosis lmao. bc its not like i can pretend im not certifiable lmao #but like also this diagnosis up until i literally lost parts of my sanity over turbo had only ever been used for several types #of negligence lmao. #&bc its been a Conversation lately ive been having to reflect on how i feel about it more than i have in. years probably lmao. #&like my thing is i have trouble telling the difference between being an unstable person vs being a complex person. #idk. something something what is the self without the Other? something something tree falls in the woods&no one hears it ect ect. #something something what makes anything real in regards to things so abstract&subjective? #bc until someone actually has the balls to slice me open&test my brain chemistry to put me out of my misery its all just a debate lmao. #idk lots of polarizing thoughts lately maybe. #... as always i dont really have a trigger warning specific for anything but it feels relevant anyway. #........... my doc is gonna have a field day. i dont want new meds but i have a feeling an adjustment is coming soon. 🫠🫠🫠 #on the plus side tho! i have successfully kept my weight up past 105lbs for a solid week. so. solid win in all my other med departments. #(... i just remembered i had a bf once who used to HATE reading all my ramblings lmao he said i talked way too much&it showed. #i'm so fucking happy we broke up before that could actually sink in enough to ruin my big fucking mouth LMAO) #(edit: my doc had a field day lmao.)

[kazoologist]

holding bitch sessions with my friends in this program wherein i make itemized lists of complaints about my roommate and then read them aloud like a pettier and lamer martin luther who couldn't even summon the nerve to start a fight with my roommate

#personal #i realize im being definitely unfair but also consider i have to live in this overpriced apartment with this fucking soap opera playing 25/ #also i realize it is judgemental but legitimately i think she might just. be a lot worse at everything then she thinks. and i realize i am #not great or a saint by any means either but like. i love this program and field. my fuck ups this year have totally been my own to make an #i deeply hate how bad its gotten (but im trying) #also hot take but this girl should not be trying to work in education at all. u complain about school being useless too much for me to thin #you would actually be effective #you complain about nothing interesting you for a career. girl u could just bartend for the rest of ur life. like at least bartenders tend t #get paid here #oh but youre an academic huh? oh that's wonderful. should we throw a debutante ball? should we call everyone's parents? should i email the #provost? bitch we're in the research triangle. fucking everyone's an academic. half the people i sit near at synagogue have phds. get a gri #god ive really deteriorated as a person since moving here. i hope theres time for me to have like a change of heart and become capable of #fucking love and whimsy again. like. i knew we weren't a perfect match but seriously im supposed to be this easy going and pleasant person #what is it about this woman that just causes me to act like this and start biting like a stray cat #i mean #i always kinda suspected i was a bitch but like. i dont like being this pissy all the time. i feel like im fucking sixteen again and i dont #even have anything to be mad about rn #jesus

[polyphonial-old]

wait wait wait there's something i just realized about the new trailer. now, this may be common knowledge already, but i hadn't really thought about it like this before and wanted to share my thoughts!

so, there's a scene in the trailer where aaravos is facing the camera and takes off his hood, much like he does when he first faces viren through the mirror. i didn't really think much of it until i saw this post by @legend-of-the-fandoms and suddenly it struck me! i have been wanting and expecting an interaction between callum and aaravos for a while now, and i wouldn't be surprised if aaravos tried to establish contact with callum sometime in season 4. but this post really made me think. is rayla going missing at the same time as callum is left alone with the mirror such a coincidence?

if aaravos wanted to manipulate callum in any way, rayla is both the problem and the solution. she is a problem because she is an elf and a possible voice of reason. as an elf, it's likely that she might know something about aaravos or how/why he was imprisoned. even if she doesn't, aaravos has reason to suspect she does, as he was trapped in the mirror for a long time and most likely doesn't know how much is known about him to the general public. also, rayla is a sharp-witted and strong warrior, as aaravos witnessed when she threw viren off the edge of the mountain in the end of season 3. it is much easier to judge the situation objectively from the outside, and she is the closest person to callum besides ezran, who is probably busy being a king, in addition to being a child. it would be logical to remove her from the equation, better safe than sorry, after all. by being so close and dear to callum, she also becomes a tool. how easy would it be to tempt him with enough power to find her and bring her back if she went missing?

now, am i saying aaravos fully planned her disappearance? no. but when she went to look for viren, do i think he could have taken that opportunity to remove a potential threat to his plans from the playing field? yeah, i do think that! how do i think he'd do that? to be honest, i'm not entirely sure. realistically, with viren barely hanging on to life, aaravos could definitely use claudia. she is both physically close to viren and deeply cares for him, as well as being skilled in dark magic, making her a very good, if not perfect, candidate for the position.

so, where exactly is rayla now and what has happened to her? i don't know. but i do strongly suspect aaravos may have had a hand in her disappearance. it just benefits him just a bit too much to be a complete coincidence.

(big ty to @chasvchalilah for updating me abt what's going on in the comic <3)

#ok. i realize i sound completely deranged but. hear me out. hear me out ok #also in case it wasn't clear i am not implying rayla is dead #she's just probably trapped somewhere. idk where but. not dead #also. this is all me making my own logical conclusions based on what's known abt the characters #idk how likely it is that they'd actually do this tho #like. i am basing this on character arcs rather than plot arcs if that makes sense? #fuck it it's going in the tags #tdp #the dragon prince #tdp season 4 #tdp rayla #tdp season 4 theory #olly talks #tdp season 4 prediction #ok posting this now bc if i stare at this any longer i'll hate it #fuck it we ball

[strwbrymlkshake]

I'M STARTING TO FEEL IT AGAIN

#mine #🎸 #GIRL WHAT THE HELL/POSITIVE #our dynamic. our energy. unmatched. imm mmmmmghshfjdhfdkfj there are people in this world that actually like me #HELP he is so cute ok. going deranged fathoming the concept of me being acceptable. me being loved. for me. what the fuck #and i dont even have to do anything i just have to. be me???....??? im. hello girl. my reaction to this whole thing feels so delayed #im still processing it i guess i cannot comprehend it even. what the hell girl! so soon!?? hw. what #i have a Feeling i cant shake thats like. this is gonna go bad or something bad will happen. no matter how i reassure myself #i want to believe this is gonna work so bad but i still?? dont believe this is real im so skeptical of love and other such things #he wrote me a love letter dude if i told that to me like a year ago i would murder a guy out of pure excitement #i wish all those horrible things didnt have to happen to me first. but they made me who i am. and thats who he fell in love with i guess #we haven't begun dating yet because im so fucking balls to the wall batshit insane i have so many reservations about dating- i just #i just dont want to be there for it to go wrong again. i hate being so afraid of the horrors that i cant bring myself to partake #i wanna cry im not upset even im just so emotions . hell i AM crying rn i just cant believe this shit #mmmmdhfnfmhfkf bro i dont even. hello. what the fuck!!!/positive?? i cant even tag well rn im still comprehending everything #there is a guy in this world who wrote a love letter to ME. TO ME. AFTER ALL OF THIS. AFTER EVERYTHING. IM SO HAPPY BUT AT THE SAME TIME

[talisnotgone]

ok i had fun with this whole neurodivergency thing but can I turn it off now? can I? please? pretty please?????

#rsd is kicking me in the balls. like right now actually. right at this moment #can can we just stop can we stop now #can i create? can i make? can i do? things? can i do the things ive always done Please? and then my brain is like #NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I CONDEMN YOU!!!!!! TO THE FUCKING HELL DIMENSION!!!!!!! OF EVERYONE HATES YOUR SHIT ALWAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #and then that makes me not able to make stuff. and then i feel bad because i cant make stuff #and i am surrounded by people who make stuff All The Time. so then i make myself make more stuff #and then the CYCLE FUCKING REPEATS AD INFINITUM DEAR FUCKING GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD #LISTEN TO ME FUCKING LISTEN TONME IM SO FUCKIG DONE!!!!!!!!!! I WANNA BE ABLE TO WRITE AGAIN AND CREATE CHARACTERS AGAIN WITHOUT #FEELING LIKE I NEED TO VIOLENTLY BASH MY HEAD INTO A TABLE RIGHT THIS INSTANT #AAUUUUAUAUHhghhhhh sorry for vent posting on mai. n . im just very explodes #// personal post #// vent post

[muichirous]

finished azure gleam and now i’m fucking annoyed because like. honestly fe3h/few3h should have never been about the lords it should have been about the nabateans/agarthans 🙄

#like. i hate how we essentially have 2 games lore dump a shit ton about the origins of fodlan #and how like the actions/grudges between these groups still have an ACTIVE influence on fodlan THOUSANDS of years later and like. #it’s acknowledged in the most shallow way possible it’s aggravating #i mean yeah sure the primary focus of the games are the lords and their circumstances which i get. but #when essentially all of the tragedies and happenings of these lords are somehow related to this overarching conflict. it’s fucking annoying #like… bc of the lore… it just makes the lords part of something bigger than themselves and they’re not even aware of it. it’s stupid #i’m not saying the nabateans/twsitd should be the protag/antag (depending on who u side w ig) in 3h but it’s so dumb to have them relegated #to the fucking background. when they are STILL around influencing shit in fodlan #was it kusakihara who said that the lore didn’t really matter??? fuck that guy #he dropped the ball. with EVERYTHING. his lore. his characters. his avatar. his gameplay mechanics. like fuck that guy holy shit #but i got to marry dimitri fire emblem ig so 10/10 game #i have two more routes to play for few3h. i am not excited tbh #also help. can we actually talk about azure gleam. what the fuck was going there besties #actually no. do not speak to me i don’t want discourse #i’ve invested two years(?) in this stupid war crimes academy game and have nothing to show for it but a deep unsettling rage when #i begin to just Think about the game. not even Critically Think. just a simple Think. #i want engage to be released already so i don’t ever have to think abt this game again help #astro.txt