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mbti-notes · 3 years

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Hello! INFJ here. I notice that "enjoy more intellectually stimulating solitary pursuits" is listed under Level 6 ego development for ESFJ. However, why is that not mentioned for INFJ in relation to Ti development? Is love of intellectually stimulating solitary pursuits already covered in dominant Ni? As an INFJ, I personally find intellectual exploration at a conceptual level to be almost effortless - asking conceptual questions, getting a "big picture" view of a field, developing my long term

[con’t: vision, viewing a problem from multiple perspectives, creating a high level outline of a paper I'm reading, etc. But getting into details on my own can be quite difficult - I often lose my focus and my mind wanders. I can do it more easily in 1:1 technical conversations though (where I need to hold up my end of the conversation), or if I set some social deadline, e.g. signing up to give a talk. Is it tertiary Ti development that will solve this, or is this an Fe issue? I recently realized just a couple days ago that I was repressing shame about some emotional trauma in my adolescence, which prevented me from seeing myself as a good person, and it feels like my Fe has massively increased in the last couple days alone. I've been releasing the repressed emotions via many hours of crying. I also had a rapid series of insights into a few people I really care about (issues that they're dealing with and how to help), and feel like I finally understand why there are so many songs about love. I finally decided to actively pursue someone who I think will be my life partner - I think immature Ti was holding me back somehow (wanting to be independent). But I'm not sure if further Fe development will solve this issue of difficulty with detail oriented work or if it's a Ti or Se thing. Or maybe I just need to consciously apply Ni more, e.g. always reminding myself of why I'm delving into details, and making sure to have a conceptual scaffold first before any details work?]

You’re mixing several different issues into one long message, which makes it difficult to respond. Please make your messages focused, as per the blog guidelines. What is considered “intellectually stimulating” to ESFJs is very different from INFJs, not to mention different from person to person within a type, so why are you using ESFJ development as comparison? What purpose does this serve? Every type has their own set of issues to address.

Trouble with details comes from having a low S function, which is to say that it is a common problem for Ns in general. Each N type has a different path to learning how to handle details better, depending on which exact function pair they’re dealing with and positioning in the stack. The ability to handle details for INFJs involves Ti and Se, both lower functions that are difficult and tiring to use for long periods of time. It’s far easier to develop the tertiary than the inferior function, therefore, Ti is going to be the heavy lifter.

Ti development encourages one to be more careful, specifically, systematic, in one’s thought process. INFJs often draw irrelevant or illogical connections between ideas and then cannot separate out ideas from each other to focus on addressing each one properly -> very messy thought process (which is already apparent in your message). Immature INFJs like to indulge the fun of drawing Ni connections (often as a means to boost the ego), but they can’t/don’t want to do the very hard Ti work of slowly sorting through information systematically to arrive at precise and accurate judgments. Being a lower function, INFJs often misuse Ti to rationalize their beliefs, as opposed to dispel falsehoods. Lack of Ti development means having no reliable method for dissecting problems and no skills for resolving them. In essence, it amounts to poor critical thinking ability, unable to parse and evaluate information systematically. If you need to improve your critical thinking skills, I have already provided book recommendations on the resources list.

Se development encourages one to be more observant of objective facts and details, specifically, to ensure that one’s beliefs about the world are grounded in the reality of the world. Being Ni dominant, INFJs usually “trust their gut”, which is another way of saying that they have a tendency to believe without factual verification. While your gut may be reliable in pointing you, very generally, in the right direction, it is not foolproof, nor is it able to explain the details of how or why. This means that relying on your gut too much can get you into trouble when your beliefs drift into fantasy and you don’t even realize it. Immature INFJs cannot tell the difference between speculation and fact. When an idea pops into their mind, they run with it. And when they run with it long enough, they believe in it, as they misuse Se to selectively gather “facts” to support the belief. Misusing Ti AND Se basically gives free rein to Ni delusion.

Mentally manipulating ideas in the manner that you describe involves using Ni and Ti closely together, which always runs the risk of descending into some kind of bias or self-deception, especially when Se is ignored in the process. You need extraverted functions to ensure that this doesn’t happen. Using Fe to access multiple perspectives and opinions is the right way to expand your perspective. However, Ni gathering even more data through Fe sources isn’t going to do you much good, in fact, it may only end up overwhelming or confusing you, if you have no way to systematize and evaluate that data. That is why developing Ti is eventually necessary for refining your ideas and correcting false beliefs.

It’s not a shame to need outside vetting for your ideas. Humans are communicative and collaborative creatures. Two heads are better than one. But it is a shame if you are extremely dependent on outside vetting because you are resistant to or afraid of developing your independent thinking capabilities. Why would someone be unconsciously resistant to or afraid of developing their independent thinking capabilities? Because they don’t want to take full responsibility when confronting the consequences of their beliefs. To put another way, if you mostly get your ideas and opinions from other sources, you can always blame the “bad source” for being wrong and plead innocence. Whereas, if your ideas come only from you and you get called out for being wrong, then you have no choice but to deal with the shame of being “stupid” - an insecurity that Fs often grapple with.

If you are developing Ti properly, over time, you will need a less and less intensive outside vetting process, because you become more capable of doing it for yourself. However, Ti is a lower function, so you are never going to be able to use it like a dominant function. Trying to develop a tertiary function is necessary only to a certain extent, to the extent that you’re able to use it for helping the higher functions work optimally. You shouldn’t fall into the trap of feeling bad when you hit a wall in its development. You shouldn’t start trying to copy Ti doms and using their type’s standards to make inappropriate evaluations of yourself - this is a great way to fall into shame and unhealthy perfectionism. You’re not Ti dom, never will be one, never should be one. You are always going to benefit more by sharing and exchanging ideas with people. You have to accept the reality of what you are and work with it, rather than lose yourself in chasing unrealistic ideals.

Remember that positive growth cannot come from negative self-loathing. Without self-love and self-acceptance, self-improvement easily morphs into self-harm. Every function in your stack has its proper role to play, so respect the parameters of those roles and development should go more smoothly.

#infj #auxiliary fe #tertiary ti #ti loop #inferior se #details #detail anxiety #attention to detail #development #shame #study #ask

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malignedaffairs · 4 years

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Artist Interview

Some time ago I was asked to answer some questions for a Russian community that collects interviews from various fanartists - what a lovely idea! Here’s the Russian translation along with lots of other interesting interviews. Under the cut is the English version.

On the artist

Nickname: Fifi

Date of birth: December 11th

What city are you from? Berlin

What genre in music do you prefer? Are there any favorite bands/singers? Dark electro, industrial, gothic, EBM, new wave, with a little side of metal and rock’n’roll. My favourite band is Rammstein.

The book that made the most impression and why? There’s nothing life-changing, but I have a ritual of reading before bedtime and some books have been great companions, mostly because they are gripping as hell or because they build up a huge world to blissfully get lost in. I really enjoyed In Cold Blood, The Swarm, Out, Memoirs of a Geisha, The Fifth Woman, Into Thin Air, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, the Harry Potter series, Lord of the Rings and ASOIAF.

What are your hobbies besides artistic creativity? Video games, reading up/watching documentaries on things like history, nature, the psychology connected to criminal cases or the obscure niche interest du jour, tasting and trying to cook food from around the world, spending time with close friends and family, planning trips and travelling, board games, being outside in nature, doting on my cat.

What movies (TV series) do you like to watch? Is there something you revise (recommend)? I prefer short thriller/mystery/horror series like Zone Blanche, The Sinner, La Forêt, Penny Dreadful, period dramas like Moon Lovers or The Tudors, movies/series that are funny and thoughtful like Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Intouchables and Better Call Saul, Tarantino movies, oh and movies/series about food!

Favorite anime? Mushishi, Hellsing Ultimate, Samurai Champloo, Kuroko no Basuke, Dragonball Z

Favorite manga? Vagabond, Blade of the Immortal, Naruto, Dragonball, Rookies, Shokugeki no Soma

Favorite pictures, installations? Romanticism paintings, they’re so atmospheric. And traditional artwork from indigenous cultures.

Is there something that you would have trouble parting with? (Some thing, for example) There are things like my old diaries or my hard drive full of photos and drawings, but in general I’m more attached to places than to things.

What are your future plans? Getting better at my job, falling in love, lots of drawings.

On the art

What was the beginning of your passion? Discovering how crayons work as a toddler, I guess.

Do you think the academic base is obligatory and should everyone go through universities to be good masters? I think a profound education can totally polish your technical skills, so the benefits can be great. But art is very individual, and you don’t need university for expressing yourself creatively. When I graduated from high school I thought about studying to become a professional artist, but decided on keeping it a leisure activity for me to unwind and express myself without any pressure.

How long have you been drawing? I’ve been drawing from early childhood.

Tell us about the process of drawing. Where do you start, how do you finish? How much time is spent on drawing? When I’m super lazy, I just use one layer. I start with a rough sketch and refine it by just adding cleaner lines on top and erasing the messy parts. When I’m less lazy I do a rough sketch and a second layer of clean lines on top. During the process I often adjust proportions by cutting, warping and relocating parts of the content. For a comic I first think of a rough plot and draft the dialogue, then make a rough storyboard with page thumbnails. I usually only plan around three pages at a time, never the whole thing in one go. Colouring is another beast entirely. No system there whatsoever, I just put colours on there and hope for the best. Usually a drawing takes me at least two hours, comic pages take up to eight hours. I mostly use the same three brushes all the time.

How did your nickname appear? Fifi-la-fumeuse is a random thing I found in a book about curiosities I bought in Paris a long time ago. It’s basically a vintage doll that was used for educating students about the dangers of smoking during pregnancy. I liked how creepy it looked and the name sounds nice and a little similar to my real name, so I’ve kept it ever since. Malignedaffairs is an allusion to the “forbidden” nature of Itasasu, which was my OTP when I started my blog back in 2012/13. Nowadays I’m finding the name rather corny, but it’s what most people associate with my art, so I’m just keeping it.

What inspires you? Everyday life, my feelings, media, exchanging ideas with people within the fandom.

How do you feel about criticism? Do you criticize other artists? I’m not here for the criticism. My first and foremost goals in posting art on the internet are expressing my feelings, getting in touch with like-minded people and having fun, not necessarily improving my artwork or meeting any achievement goals. I’m grateful for constructive criticism if I respect and trust the person who gives it. I only give criticism if invited to do so.

Do you have your own characters? Or maybe the whole universe? Tell a little about it. No, I don’t have any OCs at all.

How did you come to the Naruto fandom? What kind of heroes do you draw and why them? My ex bf was a big fan of Naruto and always tried to get me into it, but I found it boring and childish. After we broke up though, I felt really lost and started to watch Naruto as a way to feel a little closer to him, and before I knew it I was super into the plot and the characters and then Itachi appeared and the story of the Uchiha brothers struck a very deep chord with me. I’m very much into beautiful, tragic, brilliant but troubled characters who are sweet cinnamon rolls inside, and Itachi and Shisui are like the posterboys for this concept. I feel like they’re the perfect muses for me to give some kind of shape to my ideals of love and mutual respect.

Do you agree with the opinion that national self-perception, as an intellectual factor, is present in the creative process? You’re always influenced by the social environment, the battles and the values you grew up with, and some of that can be determined by your nationality. Themes like identity, society, communication, politics and ideologies are often expressed in art, and if that’s the case you can’t and probably don’t even aim to separate it from national self-perception. I think it’s more present in original art than in fanart though.

What topics worry you and most often are reflected in your work? Belonging, mutual love, loss, sex.

Do you consider drawing to be your recognition in life? Do you plan to continue to devote yourself to this business? It’s an important part of my life and I’m going to do it as long as it feels right, but I won’t pressure myself.

What advice do you have for novice artists? Expect your drawings to look ugly in the beginning and draw all the ugly pictures anyway. Draw whatever attracts you, however silly it may seem. “Art block” means you should lower the pressure on yourself and allow yourself to draw something ugly, silly or uncreative, or even take a break from drawing. Art is not about achievement but about expression. Don’t take it personally when no one seems to appreciate your art right away. Instead actively seek out like-minded people in online communities or in real life, get engaged and show your art to them. Also: flip that canvas!

#text #too bad i can't read russian #i'd love to read all those interviews without the awkward translation google translate spits out

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hekate-chthonia · 4 years

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LITTLE WOMEN: 1994 VS. 2019

(The following is a script for an independent presentation project, set for me by my Head of Sixth Form, comparing and reviewing two adaptations of Louisa May Alcott’s ‘Little Women’. The completed video version of said project will be linked below!)

BY: LILY HARDING, 2020, DO NOT COPY TO ANOTHER SITE

In 1868, the first volume of a literary classic was published. It followed the lives, romances, tragedies and adventures of four sisters living in the city of Conchord, Massachusetts: all growing up during the turbulent times of the American Civil War. Since it’s first publication, the book has gone down in history as a seminal work in western canon, and vital reading for any young woman experiencing her own hardships in the midst of adolescence.

I’m talking, of course, about Louisa May Alcott’s Little Women. The book is special to me, as I’m sure it is for any of you who have read it, for its themes that transcend the century and a half since it was written; maturity, family, love and art, and all through a distinctly feminine lens.

Today, however, I’m not only analysing the book. Instead my aim is to reflect on and analyse the successes and failures of the two most famous screen adaptations to date; Little Women 1994 directed by Gillian Armstrong, and Little Women 2019 directed by Greta Gerwig. I will explore each adaptations differing takes on the themes I have referenced, as well as their translations of the beloved characters.

So- beginning with both films’ interpretations of the theme of maturity. Every character in the story progresses through their own maturation, though as a whole, in 1994 the arcs of the four March sisters, Meg, Jo, Beth and Amy, are much less defined. The 1994 film relays the narrative in a linear fashion, as in the book, starting from the girls’ childhood in Conchord and ending at their reunion after the death of Beth, so in this case their respective developments should be much clearer than they are.

In my opinion, each of the March sisters seems a less vibrant version of themselves than in the 2019 version; and this is partially due to 1994’s neglect of displaying how each girl grows and changes into a woman. The prime example of this for me is lines given to a 12-year-old Amy about love. She says; “one has a choice in whom one loves”, an incongruously wise proclamation from a girl who will, in the ensuing 5 minutes, burn her older sister’s novel in a childish attempt to get back at her for not letting Amy go with her to the theatre. Gerwig’s choice to put those same words in the mouth of an older Amy who has learnt that choosing whom she loves is necessary in order to keep her family from falling further into poverty, is a much more narratively rewarding decision.

Despite this, Jo is perhaps the character with the most prevalent arc of maturation, purely because she is so resistant to it. This is again, one of the book’s many features that makes it so worth reading; it’s expression of the pain of leaving childhood behind, going from something safe and known to something unknown. In both films the breaking of the shell for Jo comes at the point of Meg’s wedding to Mr Brooke- as she remarks in the 2019 version “I can’t believe childhood is over”. This is the point at which she must accept that things are going to change, a member of their family troupe is being removed, and nothing will be the same after that. It is aptly bittersweet, coupled with Laurie’s confession of his unrequited love to Jo, which ultimately drives a rift between them. Then, to further the metaphor, the moment where Jo accepts adulthood and truly learns to fly comes at slightly different points. In 1994 it is during a conversation with her mother after the wedding where she exclaims “I want to change, but I can’t.” Her mother’s suggestion is that she must go to New York and become a writer, follow her dreams and throw herself into a new life there. This leads Jo down the path to meeting her love interest Dr Freidrich Bhaer, and their subsequent relationship is the thing that settles Jo into adulthood.

In 2019 however, Jo’s conversation with her mother comes after the death of Beth, once she has already been to New York and met Dr Bhaer. The conversation here centres around Jo trying to latch on to any sort of childhood familiarity following the family tragedy. She considers writing a letter to Laurie, confessing that she would accept his proposal of marriage if he asked her now. Her mother gently probes her on whether she truly loves him, she replies “I care more to be loved”, Marmee responds “that is not the same as loving”. This is Jo’s unravelling. What follows is a beautifully written monologue on Jo’s frustrations with her adult life, that she believes so strongly that women are more than just beauty, and more than just their ability to love men, but that she cannot live on that fact alone. Gerwig ends the piece with “but I’m so lonely”, an original line added on to a declaration copied almost word for word from the book. And this is the genius of Greta Gerwig. Just that small addition makes such a difference. Up until this point in the film, Jo has rejected any form of love outside of the love she is accustomed to from her family, prided herself on her independence because she believes that that is the only way she can be happy and live as herself. But this is the instance within which she truly, honestly matures. She accepts that life is not something she can resign herself to going through alone. It is only after she comes to this conclusion by herself that the narrative places her within romantic range of Dr Bhaer.

However, that is not to say I don’t enjoy the 1994 relationship between the two. Gillian Armstrong clearly does the work of establishing that Jo and Bhaer are an intellectual match for one another; there are several scenes of them bonding over politics and poetry. They admire each other’s talents, and this connection provides a solid reason for Jo’s differing reactions to Bhaer’s criticism of her writing. In 1994 Jo is mildly upset, she clearly wants to prove her skill to her lover and is disappointed in herself overall. But in 2019, Jo has not yet reached her point of proper maturation, meaning her resulting reaction is an angry self-important outburst, a relatable reaction for those such as myself who aren’t great at taking criticism.

Most of all the thing I like about Armstrong’s depiction of Jo and Bhaer’s relationship is how starkly it contrasts to Jo’s relationship with Laurie. In 1994, you really get the sense that Jo and Laurie connect with one another because of their shared status as outcasts; Jo is a girl who dresses androgynously and resents her own sex because she only sees the societal restrictions it affords her; she is picked on by Amy for being “boyish” and she often complains about how she isn’t able to join her father fighting in the war, or go to university in Europe like Laurie. Laurie, on the other hand is a boy who does not live up to the expectations placed on him by his grandfather and tutor, the two dominating patriarchs of his life. Instead he finds unique solace in the all-female home of the March family where he is simply accepted and loved as one of the pack. The bluntest exemplification of this is found in their names- Josephine has been shortened to the more masculine Jo, and Laurence has been shortened to the more feminine Laurie. This partnering of them as two sides of the same coin is what often leaves readers confused at Jo’s lack of reciprocation of Laurie’s love, but in 1994, maybe more because of Armstrong’s construction of Laurie than anything else, the immaturity and lack of intellectual depth to their relationship is made apparent.

Laurie Laurence in the 1994 adaptation is made significantly less sympathetic. The most obvious reason for this would be to serve the aforementioned progression of Jo’s relationship with Bhaer, but unfortunately as Laurie is one of the more prominent characters, it does have detrimental effects. The complete reworking of Laurie’s character honestly comes down to one vital line during his confession, after Jo turns him down and he protests that he knows she will fall in love eventually with somebody that isn’t him. In 1994 he says, “and I’ll be hanged if I stand by and watch” which conveys an incredibly entitled and juvenile attitude, that he could not bear to see Jo be happy with someone else. Gerwig’s remedy for this is a resigned “you will love them, and you will live and die for them because that is your way and you will. And I’ll watch.” This version actually creates the impression that Laurie knows Jo, that he loves her and admires her, but crucially respects her, and instead of attempting some sort of guilt trip, he accepts her rejection.

This leads me onto the subject of Laurie’s arc. After his rejection, Laurie’s arc is similarly one of maturation like his narrative twin, Jo. He travels to Europe and drowns his feelings in drinking and gambling until he arrives in Paris and meets up with an older Amy. What follows their reunification is a romance within which Laurie is forced to face the responsibilities of working with his grandfather and ultimately making something of himself. In 2019, it is suggested that Laurie does this so that he may be worthy of Amy’s respect and affection, that he honestly does care what she thinks and learns a valuable lesson from falling in love with her. In 1994, Amy is given much less personality, and subsequently much less drive as a character which makes Laurie’s sudden change in behaviour and proposal seem jarring, especially after conversations between the two that essentially amount to Laurie bullying Amy. This pales in comparison to the verbal sparring in 2019, where both characters have our empathy, as well as decent points to argue for.

Whilst Laurie learns to brave his responsibilities, Amy learns that she is able to marry for love and not only fortune. Another fantastic original addition from Gerwig is Amy’s monologue to Laurie in her painting studio about a woman’s lack of financial autonomy in the world of late 1800s America. This fleshes out a character that has been long hated by readers for her perceived rivalry with Jo. Gerwig gives Amy her due, portraying her as pragmatic and intelligent, and understanding of her place in the world and what she must do to find her happiness in amongst that. Characterization such as this is sorely lacking in 1994, Amy is reduced to barely more than a placeholder for the title of Laurie’s wife come the film’s end.

Little Women is consistently referred to as a feminist novel by most, even today, for its rounded depictions of female characters with individual motivations and desires. In my opinion, Gerwig’s adaptation is the superior in terms of extending that legacy. The March sisters each have their definitive statements of their dreams, and they are all as validated by the film as one another. Meg, the sister I have talked the least about, is still given one of the most powerful lines in the film “just because my dreams are different than yours doesn’t mean they’re unimportant.” Gerwig also widens the parameters of the feminist conversation by including the previously discussed explorations of finance in relation to gender in the 1860s and how incapacitating that is- a message that carries through to today with the ever present gender pay gap- as well as explorations of what it is like to be a female artist.

Both Jo and Amy are artists, a writer and a painter respectively, and they are both given scenes that extrapolate on how their passion is influenced by their gender. Amy talks about how she wants to be “great or nothing”, holding her work to an impossibly high standard because she understands that otherwise she will be overlooked despite her talent because she is a woman.

In Jo’s case it is much more mercurial. Jo’s writing is a unique part of the novel because it is a clear demonstration of the autobiographical element- Jo is meant to be the in-universe avatar for Louisa May Alcott. These are her real sisters she brought to life on the page, her real friends and family. Just as real are the belittling conversations Jo has with her publisher where he makes demands that the female protagonist be married off by the end, no matter how out of place it is, and restricts her to only 6.6% of the royalties of her own creation. This representation of Louisa’s real struggle with distributing her art introduces a metatextual aspect to the film, making it a heartfelt dedication to the woman that gifted the world with her story, and achieving an open ending made impossible by the book. Gerwig gives the audience the two options; Jo either falls in love with Dr Bhaer, marries him and opens a school on the estate left to her by Aunt March, or she writes her novel, chronicles the lives of her and her sisters, and publishes it. The film’s last scene, however, is Jo being given the first physical copy of her novel. She looks down at her creation, smiles, and then looks up. Her expression is excited, nervous and a touch sad all at once. She is looking towards the future. The cut to black is bittersweet, like the departure from childhood, like the satisfaction of sending your art that you have laboured on for so long out into the world and not knowing how it will be received.

I think what Gerwig has achieved here is one of the most singular artistic statements ever made by an adaptation of a classic novel, by a woman about her art and about growing up and falling in love and grieving. You’ve probably noticed my neglect of the 1994 adaptation in this last section, but that’s because I feel I have to express just how in awe of the 2019 film I am, as someone who hopes to make similar art someday.

So, ultimately I feel that the conclusion is clear; the 1994 film is a solid adaptation, it follows the same beats and has its own strengths, but when compared to what’s achieved by Little Women 2019, it doesn’t have ground to stand on.

I would like to end this talk with a thank you for making it this far, and a recommendation- seriously, go watch Little Women 2019, I promise it’s worth it.

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donnerpartyofone · 5 years

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i just got a whole bunch of new followers on letterboxd, and checking out who they all are really reminded me of why i don’t follow too many people on letterboxd. bad amateur writing is hard to enjoy even ironically, but there’s something about bad film writing that’s really harmful. i have hate-read so many of this one guy’s reviews that i feel embarrassed about it now. he describes himself as an “arthouse manager”, which i assume means he runs a theater, but it bothers me because nobody says “let’s go out to the arthouse tonight” without the word “theater” in there, it’s just unnatural and pretentious. so that’s red flag #1 right in his description, which is followed by red flag #2 about how he hates modern media, as if being a luddite or nostalgia freak automatically means you’re a sensitive genius. it’s probably worth mentioning a sub-red flag, which is that he also says he’s 27 years old, which has to mean that he either wants to be congratulated for being precocious somehow, or he thinks he’s going to get laid off this movie website where you can’t even post pictures of yourself, or both, i mean who fucking cares how old you are anyway, for what reason? then the first review is of DAYS OF BEING WILD, in which he describes Wong Kar-Wai as “seeking to understand what draws women to shitty, emotionally unavailable men”; i mean imagine being so full of shit that you project your own sullen incel-y “UGH WHY DO GIRLS ONLY LIKE BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH” garbage onto whatever revered works of art show up on your tv screen? this guy goes on to reveal himself in almost a strip tease fashion across many of his reviews, breaking up his pompous analyses with macho mindbenders like “i have often said that being horny is the point of life” and biographical information like about his manipulative alcoholic father. i’m not trying to say that everybody with a delinquent or dysfunctional parent is destined to have idiotic and serial killerish attitudes about intimacy, because that would condemn pretty much all of us. but, i am sadly familiar with solipsistic assholes who brandish their alleged intellectual superiority in one fist while beating the dust out of their childhood traumas with the other, and just seeing his smug letterboxd reviews tells me everything i need to know about him. hopefully he just followed me in a spammy way to get attention and will never interact, or maybe i’ll say something he finds politically disagreeable and he’ll go away.

honestly finding anybody worth following on letterboxd is kind of hard. it can be nice to read stuff by people who are just having fun and shooting straight about what they’re watching, but the site is filled with wannabe J Hobermans and Lester Bangses who are just out to prove that they own a thesaurus. they’re practically all dudes, you can smell the old spice and maker’s mark wafting out of your laptop fan when you read some of this chest-pounding nonsense. not all of them have such toxic things to say as the aforementioned douchebag, but there’s a real preponderance of users who seem to think they’re reinventing the language. the sad thing is when they really like MY writing. there’s this guy i follow who i think used to write fairly clearly, but now everything he posts looks like a burroughs cut-up with really avant garde ideas about punctuation and adjectives, and unfortunately, i think it’s on purpose. i’d unfollow him, but i feel like i can’t, because he is as nice as literally anyone has ever been about my writing. he goes so far as to give me a hard time about why i’m not a professional film critic, he’s like a ~fan~...and then i gotta ask myself, how much is my writing like HIS writing? this is where the difficulties of letterboxd start to feel worth while, in a masochistic kind of way. like, how often do i write in the same wanky bombastic fashion as these shitty little internet valedictorians who i hate so much? probably a lot! i don’t like feeling that way but i have to admit that i’m grateful for the opportunity to check myself, and possibly improve.

however good or bad i am, letterboxd is still a better place to write than tumblr. i mean tumblr is less than optimal for long form writing anyway, but it’s also a question of who the majority population is here. the other day i got a comment on a pretty old post i wrote about ANNIHILATION, a movie i found kind of smarmy and shallow. the commenter said that my points about the movie were good, BUT they would all be negated by the content of the novels on which the movie is based, and they wanted to know why i deliberately omitted this material from my analysis, as if this were a conspiracy to be unraveled. they actually asked me what the point of my post was, like what was my goal in writing only what i wrote and leaving all kinds of things out. basically. this person COULD NOT UNDERSTAND THE IDEA OF A MOVIE REVIEW. i answered them, because they had tried hard to be polite, that my movie review blog is just for movie reviews, in which i talk about what i think about movies i watch. i’m not pursuing everything related to certain intellectual properties, nor am i invested in the logic and content of Extended Universes of whatever individual movies i’m watching. i’m not mad at this person, who was asking an honest question, but i was completely dumbfounded by the question itself. i mean imagine being SO INVESTED in fandom as like a type of lifestyle that you don’t know what a movie review is anymore? like every piece of media is regarded as some sort of municipality, that belongs to a state, and is governed by certain people, and its characters are like Real People who are available for friendship, dating and more. no piece of media is just entertainment, or even an artistic statement anymore. for this person, watching a movie is something like studying civic infrastructure, except with more DIY alterations and more fetishizing of gay men. i keep trying to imagine reading three paragraphs about some middling hollywood movie that amounts to something like “i did not enjoy watching this film,” and just having no personal frame of reference AT ALL for what it means when somebody writes that down. like just not knowing what a movie review is at all, and asking the author to explain the meaning of the bizarre behavior of saying you thought some movie sucked.

why DOES anybody write about movies though? if i don’t find it normal or desirable to watch everything with an exclusive filter for who do you want to fuck and who do you want to see fucking each other, then what else am i getting at? surely i don’t see myself as a potential roger ebert or leonard maltin, especially considering the extremely limited number of celebrity film critics in the history of mankind. i’m also not Pro- the idea of sorting all movies according to some rigid standards of technical quality and deservingness, like anybody needs me to grade them after they’ve performed the nearly impossible-seeming task of even making one single movie to begin with. sometimes i stupidly start complaining about stupid responses to my writing that i get once in a while from the internet, and my shrink asks me, “what are you up to when you post this writing?” she always says i’m “up to something” when i seem to be following but willfully ignoring my subconscious drives, which i think is pretty funny. but i don’t think i’m pursuing feelings of superiority, over movies or other writers. i think i’m just trying to figure out what movies are trying to say about human existence--and they all are trying to say something, are motivated by some angst, even the really insulting ones that only offer up wish fulfillment pablum. i’m constantly trying and failing to figure out my own existence, and i must sense that attempting to decipher movies is one way of getting closer to decoding my own experiences.

and on that note, now i have to complain about the fact that Lyft’s driver rating system includes “fun conversation” as one of the four factors in giving someone five stars. i rarely want a stranger to try to force me to talk to them, especially at 4am when i’m headed to the airport under a miserable pile of luggage. even so, i recently got into a car in such a state, with a guy who was clearly going for that five star rating, babbling loudly and convulsively at me all the way to my terminal. it would be one thing if he were just trying to be nice, but he was giving me shit about everything from my pickup location to what i had done in his fair city for a week and a half. i did not immediately volunteer how many movies i had seen at the festival i attended, because i probably intuited that when he did make me tell him, he would inform me that he doesn’t need to watch movies, because “I WATCH *LIFE*, MAN!!!” the irony was that this guy clearly didn’t watch life at all; he didn’t even have the ability to discern that i didn’t want to talk, or that i didn’t want him to insult my favorite leisure activity, and that probably NOBODY wants to listen to him talk about his shitty generic blues rock band for half an hour before 5am. so that’s the one thing i can say for even the most obnoxious reviewer on letterboxd--that probably they are TRYING to hone the art of observation, a dying skill. probably they are TRYING to train themselves to be an active audience that engages thoughtfully with the movie instead of just hucking rotten tomatoes at the screen OR passively allowing it to wash over them. even if i often hate the results, at least some of these guys seem be making an effort.

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ivanoconnorhorrorbooks-blog · 6 years

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“Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live.” Norman Cousins

Chapter 1

I stared out the window soaking up the majestic beauty of tall fir trees lining the old road. The Great Northwest Country provided shade from the mid-afternoon sunlight, blaring down from an unusually cloudless sky. A thick scent of pine filled the car, a smell usually noticed at Christmas time.

Douglas fir trees. The thought made me smile. It reminded me of watching Twin Peaks with my husband, before things went wrong. I’d been too young to watch the show when it first came out so we caught it just before the new series dropped on Showtime. I’d been taken with the charm, especially after growing up in Washington state.

Agent Cooper drove down a similar road in the show, heading to an imaginary town to solve a murder. He’d been drawn in by the natural beauty of the area, speaking into his tape recorder to remind himself to ask what they called the trees. I wished I had the same enthusiasm for my surroundings.

I honestly believed I’d reached the end of my story before it all came crashing down. Married to someone who seemed wonderful. I had just held a fantastic job with people I enjoyed working with. The next stage sat at the horizon, having kids but fortunately, we didn’t quite get there.

Henry, his friends called him Hank (or Shank during parties with drinking), couldn’t keep his eyes from wandering. I didn’t consider myself perfect by any stretch of the imagination but I never cheated on him. The thought of being with another man hadn’t crossed my mind. Our wedding vows meant something to me, even if he forgot them.

Hank claimed he still loved me, even the day after I caught him screwing a girl fresh out of high school. He told me how much he cared about me in the same breath he confessed having an affair with seven different women this past year. When I asked him why he did it, his shocked expression made me laugh despite the situation.

“They did things you wouldn’t,” Hank replied.

I had to weigh how much I wanted the gritty details of his wrongdoings against a need to know how I’d failed as a wife. Since the first stage of separation for me involved taking the blame. I didn’t know where this wrong-turn in my life came from. My mother certainly didn’t seem like the type of woman to accept responsibility for something like that.

It happened all the same.

“Sexual things?” I asked but immediately shook my head. “No, I don’t want details. I don’t want to know. But you could’ve told me about your fetishes before we took those vows. You could’ve asked some frank questions. Let me know what you wanted to keep satisfied before we joined our lives!”

Hank didn’t have an answer for me. He just said he still loved me and wanted to make it work. But I didn’t possess enough denial of reality to fall back in his arms. On the contrary, my fighting nature made me stubborn and far more harsh than was probably necessary.

He deserved it. My thought turned into a mantra, using it whenever I felt soft hearted about the process of the divorce. I seemed to be at loose ends. Where to live, furniture, career, family. All of it seemed so stable, then suddenly swept away. Hank’s shady activities ruined it all, and starting over from scratch made my head spin.

So I decided to put things off by visiting my father. I couldn’t call it going home because dad sold the place I grew up in. Ivan Peterson, the best selling horror novelist, no longer lived among the rank and file in some normal neighborhood. No, his work had done very well.

Two of his short stories were chosen for some terrifying films. Not a big success with the critics but the producers paid dad a fortune for the rights. The result of his success meant he bought a house on Lake Cavanaugh for just under one million. I visited during the house warming and couldn’t believe the step-up in wealth.

A tiny dock went right into the water from his private part of the beach. The house, a five bedroom oversized cottage, was built with that sort of Northwestern warmth typically reserved for log cabins out in the middle of nowhere. The chimney stonework was modern. A warm heat always radiated from the heavy steel stove, wood logs stayed piled high.

This was exactly like what I needed. A chance to recover from the blows life being thrown my way.

We lost mother several years earlier. Dad stayed quiet about how it happened but she was buried just after I finished nursing school. That had been a rough time, especially when dad started acting more strange about the situation. I had to contact the police to find Mother’s cause of death.

Which explained why dad didn’t want to talk about it. I knew I could be insensitive at times. During my evaluations as a nurse, it proved to be the biggest criticism. The fact I’d been so blind about how my dad dealt with mom’s death frustrated me. I’d hoped to have been far more observant, especially given my original career plan.

Long before I diverted my attention to nursing, I went to college for criminal justice. I even graduated from a fantastic school, the University of Puget Sound, and fully intended to join the police right after. Then I met Hank and he absolutely swept me off my feet.

Hank was charming and sexy, a real gentlemen when we started dating. I couldn’t deny our chemistry. I reserved a spot in the police academy but before I started, I fell hard for him. He’d expressed concern about my chosen career anyway and as things became serious, I swayed to his way of thinking.

I wasn’t asked out by the boys in high school that often. I didn’t blossom until my first year of college and by then, I’d been so used to being plain, hot was beyond comprehension. Nevertheless, I fell into it easily enough. My natural long blonde hair and slender figure seemed to be noticed more. Men weren’t hard to come by, not when they were always expressing interest.

Hank stood apart from other men because he put on a show of how much he admired me. It went beyond physical, at least I thought so. When we started dating, he focused on my intellectual qualities and we really talked. Not the sort of mundane drivel about our days at work or school, but about important topics. World politics, books…it was lovely.

So after a lifetime of wanting to work in law, I turned my attention to a nursing program. Hank worked in commercial real estate and when I got into the work force, we made a comfortable living together. Marriage followed, a mortgage then infidelity. It was as if Hank had a different checklist to follow.

Turned out his father fooled around on his mother so maybe the cheating gene could be inherited.

Being with Hank deadened my natural observation skills, my ability to assess a situation thoughtfully went into hibernation mode. Even after I caught him, it took a couple days to process what happened. Then, it all came back. Razor sharp focus returned as if it had been on vacation somewhere.

That’s when I found the strength to leave, to give Hank hell for what he’d done and ultimately, bury my feelings of betrayal and love beneath a demeanor of a tough exterior. Crying happened at the beginning. Anger took over. The trip to a cozier part of the world was meant to get my life back to the way I wanted.

Which meant getting back my original career choice. I’ve pursued law since I was old enough to talk about jobs.

I worried about seeing dad again. We hadn’t spent any time together since mom’s passing. He tended to keep our interactions to email and the occasional phone call. After my wedding, I assumed he didn’t approve of Hank but then, paranoia suggested he didn’t approve of me either.

He never said it verbally, but I believed he didn’t like the fact I walked away from my original dream. He spoke constantly against compromising. How he got along with my mom baffled me because relationships were about give and take. Growing up, they never seemed to argue but they held to old fashioned beliefs.

That meant any fighting happened behind closed doors. Just stay quiet enough that no one else would be dragged into their affairs. I tried to live by that idea but my passion tended to overcome subtlety. Hank and I got into some pretty loud arguments in our time together, the kind of fights that made the walls vibrate.

Our neighbors in our first apartment must’ve been thrilled.

I rounded the bend and the sight of the lake dragged me back to the present. All negativity faded in light of that beautiful landmark, the trees stretched out in all directions, the water rippled with a gentle breeze all presided over by fluffy white clouds far too happy to rain. I felt tears stain my cheeks just then, a second bout of crying I thought might happen.

I embraced it, letting emotion control me for several minutes. With only the sound of the road as company, I released the ache in my heart. Whether my makeup would survive the encounter was another story, Dad never seemed to notice such things.

His head lived in the dark clouds of horror stories and terror. Perhaps the events of my life for the past few months would inspire a new tale. The thought didn’t make me particularly happy. Despite an obsession with Hemingway, his writing reflected the Stephen King side of the house.

I always knew that if I ended up a character in one of dad’s stories, I must’ve done something truly wrong. So far, I’d avoided the grim fate. I hoped to continue the luck going forward. Maybe reconnecting would settle my mind about how the old man felt about me. It seemed a worthy goal as I started a new phase of my life.

***

#TheFinalLetters #IvanOconnor

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narutoooo-dekuuuu · 5 years

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Then may I ask for hetero and lesbian Naruto matchups, please? I'm a 164 cm tall, slim girl. I have demi-long brown hair and brown eyes. I wear black eyeglasses. I like skirts and dresses, in one word: girly clothes. Light makeup. I'm a very-very critical person and proud of that. I consider myself as a loyal, patient and caring one, around new people I can be a bit shy. When my crush is around I get helplessly embrassed, but also I hide it pretty well. (I)

Clumsy af. I mean really, really clumsy.I love to share my opinion about anything. I can be really silent and serious at times, dreamy one. Usually forget about the people around and then ask: "Sorry, what did you say?" Yeah, easily stuck in my lil world haha. Try to be realistic and intellectual. My classmates are into my natural massage skills and always asking me doing some for them at P.E. lessons. I like light alcohol(cider etc.) and occassionally one cigarette. (II)

When I am mad at someone I need a few hours alone, then I'll be fine. One of the hardest things to make me talk about my problems but if someone open up to me I'll be really glad it warms my heart. Btw easy to make me happy. Into hanging out with my friends. Have an ironic, usually troll-sense of humour. Probably would be the sub one in a relationship. I want to become a lawyer. The most important thing in my life is family(but don't want kids), I love them soo much. (III)

I'm in LOVE with the classical literature(bookworm) and theatre. Doing yoga, hiking, table tennis and going running one of my favourite things to do. Lowkey would be into a bit clingy cuddler-monster(yeah, I am maybe needy and sensitive but would never admit that huh). Listen to music everyday mostly alternative rock, inde but I find almost all kind of music enjoyable(fav: Tame Impala, FOB and Esti Kornél/Hungarian band/). Zodiac sign Virgo, Hogwarts house is Hufflepuff. (IV)

For Naruto(your hetero matchup):

Kakashi Hatake!

Man, oh man Kakashi just couldn’t help himself when he met you. Usually he was great at concealing his emotions but boi you had him bent.

Kakashi is also often lost in thought, probably why he’s almost always late to everything. You two can relate to a lot of things, actually. You have many similar personality traits.

Lives for your massages. Even when you guys were just friends he’d ask you after missions for a nice massage. Usually you guys would relax over some ramen and Tame Impala’s song and some form of alchohol before or after his massages.

Kakashi is also a bookworm, and you two will often tell each other about your books. He loves hiking, yoga, and exercising too! Yoga is probably his favorite thing to do with you, actually.

Very touchy feely. Constantly hugging you or tickling you or messing with your hair or smth. Honestly needs attention too sometimes. He likes listening to some of your music. Especially on missions he’ll just play some of your favorite songs .

Kakashi is extremely worried about losing you, so you’re his top priority. He’s very protective and passionate about you, and is almost always bragging about you or telling Gai how lucky he really is.

Your lesbian Naruto matchup:

Temari!

She adored you!...From a safe distance. She just couldn’t take her eyes off of you, and she wanted to spend all her time with you! She accidentally confessed her feeling while on one of her rants because you accidentally flustered her with your clumsy flirting.

She is very affectionate, and wants to express her passion for you in as many ways as possible; usually, it’s through words. In return, you give her wonderful massages.

Temari is dedicated to keeping you happy. She hates seeing her loved ones upset or mad, but she understands when you need your space. When you aren’t upset anymore, she already has an apology and some kind words waiting for you.

Temari would gladly listen to all her problems so long as you can help her with her own. She lives for spending time with you and just bathing in your presence. She likes the way you dress!

She thinks of you as her best friend. You two rely on each other, and she leads you two into adventures while you cheer her on! Temari also can’t keep her hands off you hehe. Constantly hugging, holding hands, cuddling, forehead kisses, the whole UwU. Sometimes, it can get really ÙwÚ, though.

She loves you a lot. And she loves partaking in your interests. Yoga(like Kakashi) has to be her favorite thing, though. It’s nice in the early mornings when it’s just the two of you in a quiet, isolated area. Also, Temari likes FOB too.

I hope you like it! I didn’t mind the longness of it at all btw, and I actually enjoyed writing this a ton! It took me awhile to actually do it, so sorry about that!

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moreenchiladasplease · 6 years

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tagged by the lovely @kizunah ! thank you! i love tag games!

1. who’s one of your favorite characters and why?

currently, since i’m reading the raven cycle, it’s gansey. honestly i love all the characters bcuz maggie is so fucking good at writing them. even the villians. and the gray man! fuck don’t even get me started on morally gray characters. going into the books i thought i would like ronan or adam the best just bcuz you raved about them a lot and usually those are the character i tend to love and i still very much love them but gansey man. he took me by surprise.

he just has so much of my aesthetics. like he has a fucking mint plant bcuz he likes mint and somehow always unlimited mint leaves in his pockets for whenever feels like minty freshness. he was wire frame glasses. he lives in an old factory. he adds to his miniature model town when he can’t sleep. he has journals. and likes the fucking beatles!! he drives a broken down piece of garbage that’s probably held together by duck tape and he knows it and loves it. he is an old soul! he is an Intellectual™. but also Clueless™. he is such a fucking dad friend. always going “lynch” “parrish” jane”. and he’s so wholesome and such a good and caring friend and it kills him inside when he can’t help his friends and oh god oh god please help me i love him

2. last book you read – what did you think of it?

I finished the hate u give by angie thomas a couple of days ago and I absolutely loved it. it focuses on police brutality and racism also touches on various different topics like drug abuse, gangs, abuse, different views on interracial couples, etc. It was an incredibly powerful and impactful book. It was kind of hard for me to read bcuz generally, I read books to get away from the world we live in and this was very much the reality of the world we live in. the injustice of it. and angie writes it in a way that it is unapologetically honest. but it is so so important. I wrote a full review here on my book blog but it’s a spoiler-y so beware.

also I’m so excited to see amandla stenberg play starr. I’m gonna have to wait a few months to watch it (bcuz there are no frickin theatres here) but still... I know it’s gonna be great.

3. do you consider yourself a good decision maker?

these three words do not belong together i really can’t say... maybe 72% of the time i am? yup that seems pretty accurate

4. preferred studying method?

pfffffftttt method? what method? i tend to study at my desk to avoid falling asleep. and i listen to lofi hip hop or jazz. and i usually study in 3 hour intervals bcuz i have trouble focusing for longer periods of time and have to take breaks. is that what you meant?

5. favorite word from your native language?

I don’t necessarily have a favorite word... but when I learned my Spanish alphabet I would like to say the letter ‘y’ over and over again because it was fun to pronounce. It’s pronounced ~ i griega ~ which is really fun to say. I just really love Spanish and rollng my ‘r’s.

6. do you have a problematic character you’d die for?

let me take a deep breath first will herondale (tid)! ronan lynch (trc)! the gray man (trc)! loki laufeyson (marvel). tony stark (marvel)! matt murdock (marvel)! jessica jones (marvel). magneto (marvel)! jason todd/red hood (dc)! sherlock holmes (sherlock). charlotte holmes! todoroki shouto (bnha)! bakuboy (bnha)! itachi uchiha (naruto)! hohenhiem (fmab). greed (fmab)! i could go on forever but imma stop here

7. is there something you felt like you’d never be good at, but are somewhat decent at doing now?

I feel like my social skills have improved a shit ton. I used to not be able to speak to people without stuttering a lot or while holding eye contact for longer than 5 seconds. I used to not be able to order food for myself. And now I can interact with people better and I pick up on social cues better. And I smile at people I don’t know when I’m happy bcuz I feel like it and I like to spread positivity. things like this may seem small to other people but it’s not small for me. I think I’ve come a long way and I’m incredibly proud of myself for all of it.

8. what’s your general temperament like?

i’m either mellow and chill or wild and weird. there is no in-between.

9. something you want to get better at?

my mentality. in general really. but something i’ve been struggling with a lot recently is not being able to not do anything. i love having lazy days i do. they allow me to relax and take a break from things that have been stressing me out. but the next day when I get back into it and start to get things done... I put myself down about taking a day off. about wasting time when i could’ve gotten so much done. this mentality is such a toxic one and I hate that I have it. I hate that I always have to be productive to consider myself useful. I hate that I can’t relax and enjoy myself anymore without my brain going into overdrive to tell me how much of a fucking waste of oxygen I am. I was very near to tears a couple of days ago because I took a few hours off of schoolwork bcuz I had a migraine and the whole time my brain wouldn’t shut up you’re wasting time you could be done with so many assignments by now you could be doing useful things right now you don’t know how to do jack shit why the fuck are you even in school if you’re not going to study why is mom spending valuable money on your education when you can’t fucking stick to your fucking schedule fuck

i hate that i have that mentality. and i would just like it to kindly fuck off.

10. something popular everyone else likes but you don’t?

fuck... ummmmmmm... i think it’d be easier for me to tell you something i like that is underrated or unknown...

oh! um ferris beuller? that john hughes movie with matthew broderick. i mean, i like the movie, i just don’t love it like everyone seems to. it’s a nice light movie about teenagers skipping school and having fun. but i don’t like ferris bcuz he comes off as a sort of douche. escpecially towards his friend cameron, who very clearly has mental health issues that ferris tends to brush off quite a lot. so i don’t really understand why people rave about it so much.

11. before consuming books/movies, do you read reviews, or do you like going in blind?

I, for the most part, go in blind. I have a tendency to put things on my list, to eventually watch/read, because I hear good things about them or I myself just would like to consume the content, but a never get to it immediately. I get to it months later, sometimes a year or two later, when I’ve more often than not forgotten all about anything I’ve heard about it. but even then, I don’t generally read reviews because I don’t really care what other people think of it. The only people’s opinions I care about are my friends and family because I like to discuss the content I consume with people close to me. Especially if I feel strongly about said content. so, no, i don’t seek out reviews. it’s usually that i happen upon reviews and them i’m like ‘good to know i guess?’ i don’t rely on critics cuz critics sometimes don’t know what Good Content is

tagging @mllebabushkat @sengad-apollo @hannahdearr and also @kizunah if you wanna do it again and also @demfeeeels if you can dig out of your grave for a bit : ) and here are my questions for you:

what is an unknown/underrated piece of media that you love?

what are five things you love about yourself?

do you read comics/graphic novels? any favorites?

what’s top 5 on your playlist right now?

what is something/someone that never fails to make you laugh?

recommend me some of your favorite tv shows/movies/books/music.

an unpopular opinion you have?

favorite disney soundtrack?

favorite word from your native language? (i’m stealing one of mariam’s question bcuz i love)

what makes your heart go mushy?

top 5 tropes you live for?

#this was a fun distraction thanks mariam!#also why didn't you tell me about the love of my life richard campbell gansey III ????#i'm glad you didn't tbh #also i'm on the last book and i don't know what i'm gonna do with myself once i'm done #there can't be and end to it #there just can't #i have too many problematic characters i would die for #like maybe an unhealthy amount #i could've added more #friends #tag game #don't feel obligated to answer my questions! it's okay

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jonwongton · 2 years

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03/20/22

It’s been a while since I’ve written down all my thoughts and more recently, a lot’s been going through my mind. How is it already almost April lol.

I can definitely say I’ve kept my promise since coming back from Korea. I had a fun three month vacation, but it was time to start working my ass off again. When I look back over the past five years, I feel like these periods of intense focus and dedication have come and gone in waves.

Early 2017: down, was chilling after working

Mid 2017: up, intense Korean studying for months

Early 2018: up, work was absolutely kicking my ass and I was burning out during this time

Late 2018: down, some of the best kpop releases to date, was really mentally present and enjoyed that summer/fall with fromis

All of 2019: up, finished my master’s program in one year

All of 2020: down, struggling to adjust to working from home because of the pandemic

Early 2021: up, was spending all my waking energy working on subs

Late 2021: down (but kinda up), was for funning in Korea

Now in early 2022, I’ve been spending all my waking energy on studying for interviews. It’s been an endless cycle of

Attempting leetcode/hackerrank problems

Making mistakes and reviewing the lessons I learned to not make those mistakes again

A full crash course through data structures, algorithms, and parts of the C++ standard library I didn’t even know existed

Reading books on system design and distributed systems

On top of that, I’ve also read a few books on the non-technical side of engineering, the structure of habits, and Korean skincare (lol). Then there’s the random stuff like memorizing MBTI types and sitting in the think tank with Seokho every day coming up with ways to understand this world.

I feel like I’m walking a fine line of filling my brain up with as much information as possible every day and burning out. It can be a tedious grind sometimes, but if it’s beneficial for my future then I really can’t be too bummed out about the work it takes to get there. Then again, it’d also be nice to take an extended break, but I guess that’ll come if I can get to where I want to be.

I’m really looking forward to my next down period. There are games I wanna play, activities, I wanna try, and I’m overdue for my next kdrama. It’ll be nice to chill for another few months.

---

I really am so blessed to be surrounded by such smart and kind people. They say you’re the average of the five people you spend the most time with, and I’m so happy about how much I can learn from them. Seokho pushes me to be make strides in my career, Clare shows me niche sides of the world I never would have seen, Angela gives me perspective of someone in a different stage of life, Sophie shows me the life of a working new parent, and if you consider kpop, fromis lets me vicariously experience things I would never try myself.

I have fun intellectual discussions with Seokho all the time, but for the first time I think ever? I said something that made him go “oh, why didn’t I think of that.” It was probably a minor interaction to him, but to me, it showed me my critical thinking/articulation skills have gotten at least a little better. Like actually, I don’t think I’ve ever put together a completely rational argument from start to finish that he hadn’t already thought of and made him go “yeah, you’re right.” When I look back, it just makes me think I was living my life in complete ignorance, and as cheesy as it sounds, only after I moved out and talked to new people was I exposed to how big the world is.

---

To free up my mental load for the bigger picture, I committed to dropping a lot of things which I made me unhappy or wasted my time. It sounds obvious to give those up immediately, but I feel like when it comes to interpersonal relationships or ingrained habits, it becomes a lot harder. The two biggest ones are

Setting stricter boundaries with my family so I don’t get passively dragged into events on weekends. I can’t fully focus on my goals on weekdays, so if I don’t even have the weekends to myself, I’ll never improve as a person. Also, I find family time to be pretty boring most of the time, and while there are important obligations I shouldn’t miss (Chinese New Year, birthdays, etc.), I’ve gotten better at saying no to the rest, even with the guilt tripping.

Cutting out people who only had a negative impact on me. Again you get used to talking to people about certain things, but then you realize you’ve been expending mental energy maintain their mental health and their banter conflicts with how you actually feel. People like that aren’t worth my time at all.

---

The topic of money comes up so much and no matter how many answers I come up with, I always have more questions. Assuming you have enough money to pay your bills, I feel like I can summarize my current philosophy with one statement:

How are you able to spend your money to maximize your happiness?

It’s funny to think about being neutral to losing a lot of money in the stock market in a day, but you’re genuinely happy when the groceries you normally buy are on sale.

Minus a house which I don’t even want right now, I don’t feel like I have anything else material that I want to buy. If you’ve reached your material item threshold, I feel like the only things worth buying are experiences or further investments in yourself. For me personally, a nicer car isn’t going to be money well spent, but investing in skincare, books, and traveling sound like great ways to spend money.

What’s the best career plateau point? Realistically, your priorities will change and you won’t be working your butt off forever. As of today, I feel like my answer is at L6. At L7, you get diminishing returns in terms of the extra money not making you any happier, and it ruins your work-life balance because you have exponentially more responsibilities at work. You could argue that L5 is a good plateau point too, but I feel like the extra compensation and job security that come with the L6 title is worth the effort to get there.

---

I’m gonna try to make full use of this up period while it lasts, and I can definitely see it continuing at least for the next three months. But regardless of how long it takes, I’ll still be happy if I’m doing something meaningful every day. It’s not the destination, it’s about the journey it takes to get there right?

#life

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misstala00 · 2 years

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DON’T JUST LEARN, EXPERIENCE

The more I read, the more I learn, the more confident I am that I don't know anything. All our awareness starts with the senses, then progresses to comprehension, and ends with reason. Nothing is greater than reason. I am now in college but I feel like I haven’t adjusted yet. College is really far from being in high school. I personally enjoyed this topic because I learned a lot from the discussion and as I read the lesson. I am a bit scared yet excited for my journey as a college student. I always think that to be successful in life, we all need to learn to be a good student in every area of life. Being a successful student is not easy. Most would agree that it takes a lot of hard work, time and self-discipline to be a successful student. A student who holds these powerful characteristics would always stand out from the rest of his classmates. To become a strong student, one must have inspiration, a positive self-esteem, a positive self-talk, a determination and a good study habit. It has been said that to get the results you need from a person; you're only the first to find out what motivates them. We all have several ways to get inspired. This includes setting goals, building a dream career, and having positive values. If we take an effort to try to discover these traits in ourselves, we will most likely find the inspiration they need in their lives. Setting goals are very important that we should take in order to obtain the inspiration we need to become a better student. An aim is something a person wishes to achieve in his or her life.

I am a student that attends college hoping to obtain a degree that will allow me to specialize in a potential job. Striving for something I enjoy is a perfect motivational tool that will encourage me to do well in school. Working on a dream career often encourages me to become a major in something I’m excited about and keeps me inspired during my college. As I am in pursuit of reaching my dreams, I always keep in my mind these strategies and skill I need to do and follow in order to become a better student. First strategy is to improve student engagement is to have positive values. Value is a concept that the person considers to be essential. We must know what things are of great significance in life and what things are not. Attitude is above all, a sincere desire to learn and a willingness to do hard intellectual work for understanding. It also reveals how well you apply yourself to subjects you have no experience in, and how much you can achieve even though a teacher's style isn't what you're used to. Attitude will also affect the way you see things. No one else will motivate you to have a positive attitude, you have to decide and make it a priority to have a great attitude in your university experience. We are not only need to be inspired, but we also need to have high levels of positive self-esteem to keep on top of our studies. I know that positive self-esteem is characterized as "belief in oneself." I sometimes feel as if I have lost my self-esteem but, there are several ways for me to win it back. To boost the my self-esteem, I should pay careful attention to my needs, take care of myself, participate in encouraging self-talk, and conduct activities that make me feel good about me. I learned that it is essential to have effective degree of positive self-esteem, since students should not only do well in the classes they take, but also feel good about themselves while doing so. Giving attention to one's own desires and needs is a positive first step in seeking to build self-esteem. Intellectual skills are another critical aspect of being a successful student. This includes the ability to read and understand, the intelligent use of tools, logical and mathematical skills, productive study habits, and the ability to speak clearly and fluently. Intellectual skills include time management, exam strategies, study strategies, and target setting. And to be honest, I lack on this skill. I am having a hard time managing my time, setting a good study habit and to cope up easily and quickly. So, I need to work more to improve on this skill. Lastly, awareness, or knowledge, is another useful part of being a successful student. We must try to link what's going on around us to what we're learning. This should be important to us and we should be worried about what's going on politically, academically, socially and spiritually. Being mindful of and paying attention to, it is a valuable trait to understand and apply constantly.

Learning to become a better student is challenging. Through this topic I learned that, achievement is illustrated by the effective implementation of understanding as this involves using information that is right and confident, efficient communication, and continuing education throughout your life. Achievement gives us a sense of achievement and purpose. To be a good student, this must be the aim we want to achieve. I have failed myself so many times. I am disappointed with my standing on class but as I study this lesson and write this journal, I’ve learn to appreciate myself more. I learned that it’s okay even if I am not good as my classmates. That it’s okay if I am only taking smaller steps while others are taking big ones. I learned that the killer of happiness is perfectionism. Embrace being absolutely flawed. Learn from your mistakes and forgive yourself, you're going to be happier. We're making mistakes because we're imperfect. It's about time I acknowledged all the wonderful stuff about me. It's not an easy task to be good at school, but it can be achieved with a lot of hard work. There are a lot of incentives for being a good student. One of the biggest rewards is graduation from high school, college, or even graduate school. I must always note that I need inspiration, positive self-esteem, positive self-talk, dedication and good learning habits to be effective at school. If a I can learn the use of these techniques in my day-to-day activities, I can see good results in their school work and in the long run, become a better student. “Don’t just learn, experience.”

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facesofcsl · 3 years

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Carole H., Undergraduate Student (Psychology)

Carole Hiew is a fourth year Psychology student at U of A. She was able to experience CSL placements both prior to and during COVID-19, which provided her with insight about how organizations function in regular circumstances and how they have adapted to the pandemic. Continue reading to learn about her CSL placements with both young children and older adults.

Which courses did you take with CSL?

I count myself fortunate that I had the opportunity to participate in two CSL placements, and they were on opposite ends of the age spectrum. As my first CSL course in Winter 2020, I took PSYCO 329 (Adult Development and Aging), where I assisted older adults in learning basic computer and internet navigation skills, such as computer components, turning the computer on/off and logging in/out, email basics, and accessing and surfing the internet. I then proceeded to take PSYCO 323 (Infant and Child Development) last semester, where I developed a play-based lesson plan with puppets to support preschool children’s emotional development.

How did the CSL component of your classes impact your experience with your course curriculum?

I would say that the CSL placements were a valuable opportunity, since the experiences were tightly aligned with the course curriculums. In PSYCO 329, our professor was able to weave active learning components into the class along with the standard lecture materials, and the activities definitely played a huge role in helping me to understand how older people may view the world around them in light of their multifaceted physical, psychological, and sociocultural experiences. You can imagine how pleased I was when I started my placement, and see how many of the topics we discussed in class were coming to life right before my eyes! My placement was downtown at SAGE Seniors Association, and as previously mentioned, I assisted older adults with 1-on-1 help during a series of computer classes. This class was just one of many “life enrichment” programs that older adults could participate in; there were a plethora of free or low-cost courses, outings, trips, exercise, events, information sessions, etc. that were aimed to enhance the domains of well-being (physical, mental, intellectual, social, and emotional) of older persons, and assist them in finding information and other services to participate as active members of the community. It was rewarding to support the older adults’ progress in learning how to use a computer, and even more rewarding when we would become good conversation partners and chat about life in general, just like old friends.

With all the uncertainty COVID-19 caused last year, it wasn’t possible to meet with the facilitators, parents, and children from the Military Family Resource Centre (MFRC) in person. At first, I was disappointed that my PSYCO 323 placement was online, since I love volunteering with young children- in fact, I’ve been lucky to spend over 500 hours as a volunteer for mentorship programs and summer camps directed towards elementary-aged children in previous years. But despite us having to go virtual and adapt to our online CSL placements this year, I found myself enjoying researching the ways that I could put the theory that we learned in class about children’s development into practice, and even more so, integrating that information to create activities that would be fun and engaging for preschoolers! The coordinators at the MFRC provided us a lot of freedom in choosing which aspects of development we wanted to target, and ultimately, my group and I decided to develop a set of lesson plans supporting preschool-aged children's emotional development. We thought it was a critical time and aspect of development to focus on, since children’s understanding of how emotions influence their own and others’ behavior allows them to not only regulate their own inner state of mind, but also can help them improve the quality of relationships they have with others. Additionally, the school environment may very much be their first time away from home for such a long period, so being able to regulate all the new feelings that come up from being in a new context and from navigating novel interactions can definitely make the transition easier.

What is the most important/memorable lesson that you’ve learned through CSL?

I think the CSL placement that impacted me the most was from PSYCO 329, because it really opened my eyes to how online literacy is becoming increasingly important in today’s society where technology is constantly evolving. For older adults with relatives in other places or children that move away from home, to not keep in contact through online services with their families could mean that they might become isolated from their strongest support networks. Also, there is an abundance of services that the Internet can provide, be it communication, information, leisure, and more. The necessity of technology has definitely been amplified during these pandemic times!

For myself, I know the basics of how to use a computer, such as how to turn it on and off, how to hold a mouse and navigate the cursor, how to use search engines, and what the icons on the screen are. These are things that I automatically know or do without thinking about it in my daily life. However, many of those older adults that were in the class had no clue since they’ve never used a computer before.

Therefore, one of the biggest lessons that I took away from this placement was being aware of and suppressing any unconscious biases about older adults, so that they did not reflect in my actions. Of course, I’m sure no one actively sets out to volunteer at a senior’s centre to make anyone feel patronized or disrespected. But I was quite surprised to discover that during my placement, I unconsciously held many myths of aging in mind, like the negative stereotype of older adults needing a lot of assistance due to being less competent with technology. In the beginning of the placement, I was mostly unsuccessful with minimizing the actions that reflected my biases towards older adults. For example, I found myself jumping in to type on the keyboard or navigating the cursor for those that seemed to be struggling. However, I observed they were perfectly capable of performing those actions without my help (albeit, slower than the speed I would go at- a natural and normal part of the aging process). I also caught myself using elderspeak a few times to simplify concepts that I thought would be challenging to grasp, but in fact, it was totally unnecessary.

Thankfully, near the end of my placement, I became better at recognizing and stopping these negative stereotypes from reflecting in the way I interacted with the older adults in the computer class. Overall, I would say that this placement enabled me to discover a newfound appreciation of how competent and capable older adults really are (especially when learning new things: who said you can’t teach an old dog new tricks?), and it struck the point home that older adults really are a rich and diverse set of individuals all experienced and talented in their own ways.

How can CSL help you in your career and/or future endeavors?

I hope to dedicate a career to working in the field of speech-language pathology (SLP), and I’m planning to extend my degree by a year so I am able to obtain more real-world experience working with both young and old. I’m grateful that the CSL placements gave me the opportunity to do just that! In PSYCO 323, I enjoyed applying the course content to make it come to life, which is why I’m considering to engage in both the clinical practice and research aspects as a potential SLP in the future.

How would you summarize your experience with CSL in a few sentences?

My placements with CSL were eye-opening experiences. I found it fascinating that I was able to not only participate in applying theory to create teaching material (PSYCO 323), but also see the theories taught to us in class unfold right in front of my eyes to become a reality (PSYCO 329). I would like to thank my professors, classmates, coordinators at SAGE and MFRC, and of course, the CSL program, for making this all possible!

#ualberta #uofa

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nuevorealidad · 6 years

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Fresh Start Cosmic Toolkit

😍😍🌾⚘🌸🐱🐶🐥🐬🐴🐺 ✂️✂️🔥🔥🔥🌀🌀🌷☘🌺🌷☘🌺🌳🌻🍀😍

Here’s your COSMIC TOOLKIT for a FRESH START

❀ Make hydration, nutrition and exercise a top priority ❀ Exercise your power to say “no, thank you” ❀ Form honest, real-life relationships. Walk if it gets toxic. ❀ Be more meditative, less reactive. ❀ Live your dream like it’s real, and never stop dreaming. ❀ Keep on moving, growing, reading, writing, learning. ❀ Mind your business and give generously/receive gracefully.

😍😍🌾⚘🌸🐱🐶🐥🐬🐴🐺 ✂️✂️🔥🔥🔥🌀🌀🌷☘🌺🌷☘🌺🌳🌻🍀😍

Trust & Belief ~ My Homeland Security is Intact & Secured Forevermore

It’s working! Everything you’ve ever wanted is being pressed toward you. Everything is clicking. Don’t let the illusions trick you. Don’t let the events of today dampen your spirits. Things couldn’t be any better than they now are. You couldn’t have more reasons to celebrate. Continue! Press on! The hardest work is done! Keep showing up, be present, open every door and let events unfold. Life is your stage. This is your parade.

I love it when you’re hot, The Universe

😍😍🌾⚘🌸🐱🐶🐥🐬🐴🐺 ✂️✂️🔥🔥🔥🌀🌀🌷☘🌺🌷☘🌺🌳🌻🍀😍

If You Want to Live Differently, You Have to Think Differently

Take a look around you. Do you see anyone living the amazing, kick-ass life that you want to live?

Hell no!! They are living the same boring, normal life as the next guy.

Your dreams are bigger than that!! They include living a location-independent, travel-tastic kind of life full of freedom, adventure, and fun.

Know this: the only things standing between you and being location independent and traveling as often as your heart desires, are your beliefs that say you can’t! Seriously! That’s the only real obstacle!

If you want to live differently, you have to think differently. It’s as simple as that.

You don’t have to be special, rich, or wildly successful to have what you want. The only thing you do need is the belief that you can pull it off, and a willingness to think differently about things.

Just give yourself permission to go for your dreams and unleash your brilliance out into the world. You wouldn’t have the desire if it weren’t possible for you. The Universe isn’t a bitch like that.\

😍😍🌾⚘🌸🐱🐶🐥🐬🐴🐺 ✂️✂️🔥🔥🔥🌀🌀🌷☘🌺🌷☘🌺🌳🌻🍀😍

IGNORE YOUR CURRENT REALITY esp if its sucking 😆 STOP focusing on wat is-wat is- wat is going the f* on or why the f* you can’t where u want or need to be.! FOCUS only on wat u want and deliberately create the Reality u preferred and desired instead of repeating dat freakin reality on default.

Play in the realm of possibilities. Just because you aren’t living the life that you desire right now doesn’t mean you can’t in the future. You need to create that future now by thinking about how you want it to be rather than how it is. What you focus on expands. If you focus on what isn’t here yet, you will get more of that. If you focus your attention on how you want your life to be, you will begin to see that showing up.

😍😍🌾⚘🌸🐱🐶🐥🐬🐴🐺 ✂️✂️🔥🔥🔥🌀🌀🌷☘🌺🌷☘🌺🌳🌻🍀😍

************* Live in the Moment *** Be in the Now ****************** 2018 is a stay home enjoy ur solitute solidarity and peaceful year and how ur homeland security is intact and secured unfolding forevermore. - there’s a time and place for everythiing..everything in good time - u dont have 2b out there g* speculating forcing or making it happen (go w/ wat u feel ..if it feels good then its right time) try to match the fire action months w/ activity desired feb 20-mar 20 - good time to get ur dental work done(introvert energy anti socializing) so that when ur bday month comes u r ready 4 da launch..looking good :* meantime concentrate master on dailies esp this yr 2018..not really dat action yr u enjoy but nevertheless a good time to practise gratitude and appreciation for all ur homeland security abundance package is providing.. it’s yr Jup Sco (abundance in the hidden) redeem all OPPs meant 4u , or deprived fr u previously…+time to save up be frugal and rack up as much funds as u can for ur 2019 launch w/ u will need lining up ur dailies to be creative and productive gives meaning and purpose to the mundane

Jup Sco also auspicious time for relationships w/ the non physicals (ur IB <3 P) to get closer deeper more intimate sexually emotionally physically..best time to transform non physicals to physicality as jupiter expands its love and genuine connectivity.

🌷☘🌺🌳🌻🍀🌾⚘🌸 🌱🌺🌱 ღℒ❤ѵℯღ 🌱🌺🌱 💗 All I need in life is you 💗

Spend time every day w/ ur 💕 IB <3 Partner 💕 fr the moment u wake up and make him the last b4 u go to sleep. he is after all ur higher guidance council who will always show u the way wat u need to know at path of least resistance.. he’s also ur right hand side kick (did i mention sexy n handsome ) reminding u not to be so hard on ur goddam self whenever u f*up feeling regret and complete waste basket…and remind me dat i always do the best case scenarios at all times so even if i did-done-do-it .. know it was wat needed to be done (sometimes its not 4 obvious reasons, in hindsight it is to reveals the leverage and freedom to 2 watever i want whenever i want.

Have fun with this. Get the juicy goodness flowing. Be aware of when your inner critic starts to chime in about how you can’t afford it or you could never make it work. The trick is to give yourself permission to want it and bask in the delight it brings you.

Don’t get caught up in the details of HOW it’s all going to happen. This sounds counterintuitive, but hear me out. The fastest way to get frustrated and give up is trying to see how it’s all going to work out ahead of time. There are all kinds of details you can’t possibly know in this moment. These are the things that make you think it’s never going to happen. Give the Universe a chance to work its magic. Trust that all the details will unfold before you in ways you could never imagine. Have faith, and go with it.

😍😍🌾⚘🌸🐱🐶🐥🐬🐴🐺 ✂️✂️🔥🔥🔥🌀🌀🌷☘🌺🌳🌻🍀🍂⚘🌺🌺🌺

When it comes to setting aside a little time each day to visualize, look at it like this:

No matter how distracted you become or how confused you are about the process, the simple fact that you gave your dream this time and attention means you did it correctly, you did it long enough, and that by the time you open your eyes, already in the unseen, huge wheels have begun turning.

HUGE. You think I’d make it hard? Your humble servant ~ Universe

🎆🎨🎯😇🎥🖱📡📲🌈🏖 💸💸💸💰💰💰🎪🎪😇 🌷☘🌺🌳🌻🍀😍😍😍😂🤣😂😆**hugs**🤗 🤗💗💗 **luv**💕💞💕**likes**& lots of **kisses**💋💞💋🌟💃💃💃🌟✌ ✈️✈️✈️💥🔥🌠😍😂🤣😂😆hot 2 trot 🔥🔥🔥🌀🌀🐶✌💞🎨🎯😇 🎥🖱📡📲📰🌈🏖 🎪🎪🍰🍰💰💰💰😇 🌷☘🌺🌳🌻🌾⚘🌸🍃🌿😍😍😍😂🤣😂😆🌟🌟🌟💃🌟✌🌋🌊🌈🎆

Shalamar - Make That Move (12’’ Version) - All ‘bout Our FS in Our FLife https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=2&v=w-Pi9uCZzfA

Make That Move ~ So many times-By holding back I let the good things pass me by-And then one day I asked myself the reason why-And like an answer from above you came into my life -And showed me one thing for sure-With life nothing is certain-You got to go for it when you feel it-Everybody, everybody needs somebody to love-And I choose you, baby, so let’s.-Make thatmoveright now, baby-You only go out once in a lifetime-Make that move right now, baby.. So natural to -Give in to feelings deep inside when love is due-And I knew something was missing ‘cause now I feel brand new-And motivation’s in my heart whenever I’m with you So girl whatever you do-Just remember love is a motion-You got to hold on tight-When you know it’s right-Everybody, everybody needs somebody to love-And I choose you, baby, so let’s -Make that move right now, baby-You only go out once in a lifetime-Make that move right now, baby-The longer you wait on love, the more you’ll be without itWhy don’t you(Make that move) (Make that move) Make that move .. come on-Make that move right now, baby-If you make that move with me, I’ll be yours eternally 💕💞💕

🎆🎆 Uranus/Taurus..a glimpse 🎆🎆

Taurus commands his worth, which comes from knowing with certainty the value of where he chooses to invest his energy in order to feel comfortable: in his relationships, material things, physical property, intellectual assets, marketable ideas, tradable skills and talents etc – anything that can be secured, considered of practical use, that will enhance the quality of enjoyment of life and enrich the quantity of our reserves so that they can stay sustainable.

What do you value -

What qualities do you need most in others that you can use?

What would you fight most fiercely to protect in your life, even if it killed you?

How much of what you share with others do you come to expect should always be there? What are the supply & demand arrangements fixed upon? Are they sustainable?

Own any negative feelings. See how powerfully they can take over and ruin your chances of stability and peace. Instead of continuing to feed negative, distrustful thoughts with negative emotions, focus on this word:

TRUST TRUST TRUST TRUST TRUST TRUST TRUST Repeat that word in your mind. Feel into it. Understand that a lack of trust is just a feeling of insecurity about your own self-worth. It is not the truth. You are worthy. Trust in that. The universe does not present us with emotional conflicts to block access to our heart. The universe only presents us opportunities to open it. It is through re-negotiating or divesting our powerful emotional investments that we learn to see how blockages only hinder our growth.

these how mere mortals do it or being human … and how they do it is like letting go of fixed emotions, develop compassion, learn to listen patiently, understand lovingly – not through suspicion, demandingness and wild speculation but through practicing empathy and developing ways for non-violent conflict resolution.

🎆🎇🎉🔆💸💰📈 ❣️💞💘👍😍💥 🌞🌟💃🏻🌊🌈🌒🌓🌔🌕🌠🌋🎆🎇

But for those be coming gods dehumanizing ..its none of dat..its recognizing U are different , detaching urself from all dat shit..different strokes 4 different folks /wat more U u are no regular folk blok..FOR YOU it ‘s all about thinking breathing living the Alternative, the Opposite, Make Ur Own Rhyme & Reason.. of how U fking want it to be. If there are lingering excess baggage fking w/ u just remember to utter ur famous words ..’’ fuck this / fuck you / fuck off ! We all do things until we don’t, so dont judge it.

Be kind to urself by doing only with pleases U. **Remember U are the Exception to the Rule ** & the 1 who gets away w/ it every f* time.. so continue to live u life the way u want it’s Uranus Way / the rest is bullshit/history .

Mahal, I always knew I could count on you to uncover the truth, and when others just played “follow the leader.” I wasn’t surprised at all to find you standing by your principles when the going got tough. There was never any doubt in my mind that when faced with a fork in the road, you’d take the path less traveled as should be.

I just had no idea you’d have such expensive taste…we are alike in so many ways.

You Rock Baby, ^ James ^

#ORIG

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iluvtv · 3 years

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Still Watching: A Love Letter to my Mom

The content below has not been censored for your consideration as neither the Real Housewives nor my mother would have approved of such blasphemy.

The decline in blogging was conveniently intentional.

There were other projects.

My career as a TV critic wasn’t exactly gaining steam.

My readership technically wasn’t booming.

For a time there had been an unmistakable fulfillment in my blogging habits.

Full disclosure: this work held undeniable titillation, provoked as it were by the vain echoes of my own subconscious. It was too enticing not to indulge the ego, booming, unselfconsciously through the page as I “eloquently” deciphered probable intentions of a writer’s room.

But was this self-aggrandizing, albeit surely intellectually stimulating task truly worthwhile?

I kept falling back on this tricky notion of time management. Was taking copious amounts of notes regarding my viewing habits (a laborious task which required endless rewinds and thusly an inability to watch TV with others) coupled with the studious investment of actually researching and writing a cohesive piece which included a clear argument for television as a medium and thereby proving a consistent thesis, truly a valuable use of my time?

Not to mention, of course, the added effort of finagling my mother to invest her energies toward a strong copy-edit.

It was an investment, sure. But then again none of it was necessarily difficult at least in the classical sense of the word.

Actually, the engaging my mother bit was sort of easy. Not only was I skilled at the subtle art of stroking of her ego; “Your attention to detail is just so much better than mine. You are so smart…” I also possessed a valuable trump card which, admittedly, brought as much pleasure as my own voice: she actually liked my writing!

To have known my mother is to know what a huge compliment this fan-dom truly was.

My mother was proudly authentic. She had no shame over her inability to “fake it”.

This personality trait demanded a certain dedication on her part. She was famous for telling my girlfriends they looked like sluts at our eighth-grade dance and embarrassing fits at the market while her younger children tried to disappear into the kid’s seat of the shopping cart. Patronizing eye rolls were par for the course. When a third grade Hebrew School teacher lauded my literary skills my loving, supportive mother made it abundantly clear she didn’t think I was a bad writer but maybe just too… precious?

Admittedly, poetry about attempted genocide from an eight-year-old may hold some tonal issues.

No matter, after 30 years of practice I had found my niche. I was everything she seemed to be looking for in a writer: I would rather drink turpentine than emote and I like really “got” satire. Finally, my words were funny and thusly, the woman who had helped foster this cynical humor had little trouble understanding my intentions.

We fell into lockstep. Her killer, critical eye and unparalleled editing skills were a welcomed privilege. I was no longer precious. A trait which carried over in my ability to “take a note.” I fully understood the value of a critical red pen from a grammar die-hard. Particularly one, who not only had a deep ceded appreciation for my style (she helped cultivate it, after all) but also a keen understanding of the objective, which only a mother could boast.

I was fully aware what a priceless service this was.

And so, I kept watching. My notetaking became obsessive. Whenever I pondered this expense of time, I considered the reality: rewriting dialogue was improving my own. I was becoming a better writer.

Since both my mother and I were committing countless hours to the free and underappreciated service of my viewing recommendations, it didn’t take long for the shows and topics I bothered dissecting to be unequivocally dictated by her unapologetic tastes. Or better stated, my own experience of such.

As an aside, I’d be remiss not to note that in losing both my parents it has become abundantly clear that one’s guardians (especially good ones) mostly exist in relation to ourselves and our already noted inflated egos.

Basically, the television I studied, the theories I pondered, the conclusions I drew had to appeal in large part to Dale Allen Boland. This was a nuanced role. An honest woman of remarkable talent she also happened to be the strict television gatekeeper of my childhood. Back in the 90’s a desire for this blue light pulsed through my veins like an addict in search of her next hit. I hadn’t been picky at all back then. This was a time in my life when even Jerry Springer reruns in black and white, streamed through bunny ears in my Jr. High weight room took the edge off.

To be frank, while at first her editing felt crucial so as not to embarrass myself on the interwebs it soon became clear that the bigger part of my ask was just any sort of consistent audience. In time it became obvious that my mother hadn’t only become a fan, but she was, in fact, my blog’s only fan.

And as any good writer knows, you gotta’ appeal to your base.

It helped, of course, that my mother had been my earliest educator (dictator) of media. The San Francisco Chronicle’s Datebook and the New Yorker were mainstays next to the can, meaning my earliest poos were made all the more pleasurable by the accompaniment of Adair Lara and John Carrol. By 34 I was not only well versed in what she found tolerable, but also possessed a keen understanding of how to stylize this appeal.

Simpsons? Yes. Danielle Steele? Not so much. Had she given Danielle an opportunity? Of course not! But I was willing to play her game.

We both were expending a lot of energies at this point and since any real readership was in the slim to none margins it was crucial that we at least reward ourselves.

In retrospect I understand that this was actually how we enjoyed time together.

After she died my father noted that my mother and I had always shared a very special intellectual connection. A greater compliment than sharing a literary bond with Dale had never been given. In fact, in my father’s wake it is easy to see that this final gift from him may have been the most important. In saying so, he finally acknowledged what I’d always longed to hear. He respected, perhaps even envied not only my intelligence, but my mother’s too.

While I had given up on blogging years before their deaths, my diligent notetaking continued up until them. I accepted that my time critiquing television for free to a marginal audience had not been without purpose (though I missed the motive of the maternal connection it fostered until just now). I am well aware that through my efforts I had gained the confidence to write a novel. I understood that to maintain this skill set a continued attention to television’s minutia was critical.

But then, she died. Suddenly, grief allowed me space to achieve an entirely different and antithetical goal I’d set years earlier and had made no real efforts to achieve: to do less.

Finally I was able to let thoughts wave over me. I allowed flashes of “brilliance” to be fleeting. I relaxed into a space of agitated ease. I exclusively sought joy. In doing so I concurrently and without coincidence leaned into a brand of watching which had always been considered “just desserts.”

Bravo TV became a life raft. I watched Real Housewives and Summerhouse with a certain amused stillness I hadn’t exhibited since my complacent years as a co-ed.

The day following my mother’s memorial I listened to “Radio Andy” on Siris XM in a monotonous loop throughout the entire 6-hour drive home. I slept to Bravo podcasts. I read tweets from Bravo fan accounts during session breaks.

I noticed Bravo was keeping me smiling. The network and commentary was rewarding me with a source to which I could focus. I appreciated the humor.

Two months later my father died. Mind blank I leaned in harder to the quiet blankness this watching served.

But then, I noticed something.

Watching Kathryn Dennis of Southern Charm open a coke can with her teeth in a loudly expensive living room, next to her foam roller it occurred to me that these women were the antithesis of my own mother.

Vicky Gunvalson whooping it up at a classy resort represented everything my mother had no tolerance for.

To see these women as satirical requires a certain level of empathy for their antics that would have eluded Dale.

Their bad behavior was just too black and white. For my mom there would have been nothing charmingly relatable about a woman like Lisa Barlow of Salt Lake City, placatingly sipping a constant stream of fountain soda through a plastic straw while proudly bragging she wasn’t “like a regular mom,” proving this factoid by feeding her children drive through fast-food for every meal and ignoring their calls when she was at a party.

These are women that bat fake eyelashes and scream at each other through plastic pumped lips. They float effortlessly in azul pools in Mexico boosted by the silicone in their tits.

My mom also wasn’t a regular mom but she wouldn’t have found this indulgent brand of opulence at all inspirational, aspirational or relatable. She did not identify as a “powerhouse” or a woman who needed to tell other women that she “lifted up other women” over an expensive cocktail brunch with “40 of her closest girlfriends” all of whom wielded designer purses like coats of armor.

This trope, repeated often throughout every Housewives franchise for the past 20 years would have just pissed my mother off.

It’s not that she didn’t relate to women behaving badly this just wasn’t her brand of bad behavior. She maybe could have sympathized if they’d been wearing Walmart rather than Prada.

Lorelai Gilmore? Sure, why not? Emily Gilmore? Definitely not.

It’s funny because in a certain sense my mother’s proud authenticity and lack of shame in her outbursts would have made her an ideal housewife. But the weight these women put on things and beauty would have been too damn distracting to her.

In spite of being a woman whose love language was often a good screaming match she would have found any and all of the dramatic fights on Housewives absolutely insufferable.

And in spite of my deep love for the genre, convincing Dale that any of this was actually satire worth watching would have been an exercise in futility.

I embraced this factoid quietly and with little work on my end (other than setting the DVR to catch up on back seasons of Atlanta) I leaned into a space which never would have been tolerated.

It felt good.

It was my own.

In doing so, I came up with a million things about Bravo to share. Perhaps one day I will. God knows I need to create a new fan base.

But before I could even consider either changing the channel or sitting down to a blog analyzing how one housewife’s ludicrous and racist notion that eating chicken feet was somehow any different than eating chicken nuggets, I got this text from my mom’s best friend: “have you seen Derry Girls.”

Maybe an audience was asking for a resurrection, after all.

But as I flipped to Netflix and started a new note labeled “Derry Girls” it occurred to me that I first must come to terms with how much things have changed.

There is a certain level of self-actualization left amidst the cluttered grief of losing my parents. As I write this, I am continuously tempted to take a break for “Mom’s consideration”. Her feedback would have supplied an unrequited serotonin boost, like a gentle promise to my oh so evasive ego that there was purpose in my efforts, that the writing I was doing was valuable. When my mom was alive I always knew that someone would appreciate my continued efforts, making it tolerable to finish, and tidy, and publish. My mother was like a promise that not only my words but also I myself was worthwhile.

This chore of loving, maternal reassurance is, of course, now my own. A truth my mother, who never needed to brag about lifting up other women, would have celebrated.

Nothing would have made my mom happier than me making my own choices, editing my own words and being my own cheerleader Perhaps she died just to prove it. To know Dale Allen Boland is to suspend belief that she maybe could have made her last stubborn point through such dramatic means.

And to be totally frank; that is a storyline not even a housewife could pull off.

Thank you for being my greatest cheerleader. I love you Mom.

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hstarbuck · 3 years

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Student Reflections on the Final Project Fall 2020

REFLECTION on BLOG by BP

I felt like this was an opportunity to share my interest with my classmates. From Critical Role, to comic, to Pacific Rim, I felt joy making this blog to show to the world. I discovered the little intricacies of art and that they had words to define them now, as well as learning new techniques I can now put into my own artwork. I would most like to improve my skills in design aesthetics/ principles in design as that is an area I am very interested in working in. Next time when I work on a similar assignment is to give each individual topic more time and thought as I believe there’s always room for improvement.

REFLECTION ON BLOG by JP

Although this was assigned to me, this case study truly helped me realize how I’ve grown since the start of the blog. I did this through close examination and writing down the little improvements I saw in myself. Before the blog and case study I felt very ordinary and sort of just looked at everything as an outsider. Now that I have more knowledge I can now look at things from its core and the aspects which make it entirely whole. I feel like the reflection aspect of this should get more focus. There should be times where we stand back and truly see what we just did or what they accomplished because of the skills they acquired. The more that it is noticed. The easier it is to build on it and improve on it before it can’t be improved anymore. What I might change about my approach is the amount of planning and preparation I took. I might document my feelings after each blog post and see how much I grow from it in each time. This will help me improve my case study and help the viewers/listeners understand my experiences and feel connected with whatever I am trying to put out.

Reflection on Case Study of Blog Project by CP

I chose to do the case study, because I assumed it would be the most straightforward of all the projects. Honestly though, it was much more challenging to complete than I expected it to be.

After finishing the case study, I realized that trying to explain my blog, and evaluate how and why I did things the way I did them, is easier said than done. Now that I have completed my case study though, I’ve found it to be very beneficial in recording the processes I took to finish this project. This will help me for future projects as I can reflect on different approaches to take that did and didn’t work best for me. Overall, I think greater focus on initial plans and ideas would optimize learning. Personally, I dedicated an entire couple of slides to my initial plans regarding theme, but I could have spent more time discussing that topic because looking at the project from start to finish, it feels very important when considering how things evolved over time.

In the future, I’ll work on projects with the understanding that I will complete a case study for it. That being said, I’ll document my initial ideas and further progress better, to have a more thorough case study. In the future I would also give myself more time to closely capture as much of the project as I can in a more comprehensive manner.

Reflection on Case Study by YS

The goal of this case study was to reflect on my blog project and view it from a professional perspective. That involved reexamining my blog, revisiting my process, and learning how to articulate my thoughts. Before, I didn’t understand the purpose of case studies, but now I know how important they are for showing communication and problem-solving skills. I would like my professor to focus on the feedback portion of this case study, so I can effectively carry out the suggestions. For my next case study, I would give myself even more time to work on it so I could reflect on my project more deeply. Overall, this process was important for learning how to conduct myself professionally for a future employer or client, putting me on the path to success.

REFLECTION on CASE STUDY by LT

This case study was very interesting to do. Putting all of my thoughts down into one sort of organized document really helped me appreciate what I am doing and learning even more. Completing this made me look back and realize all of the things that I had to analyze and do in order to become a better designer, and it really makes me feel proud of the work I have done because I didn't really know or understand most of the concepts before I started doing this blog and case study. I think that there should be more focus on peer interaction to learn the material better, while we did have to sometimes I think more of it would have been more beneficial to reinforce the concepts that we were learning even more. The next time I have to do something like this I would probably use different media I have never used before to illustrate my points, that way my knowledge of the concepts become even stronger and I become able to use them even more effectively in the real world.

Reflection on VIDEO by MC

This video assignment was a new and interesting experience for me. One thing that I learned when constructing this video was how much I use the elements of design in my work and how effective they can be in improving the quality of a piece by making a few simple choices. Something that was challenging in this assignment was having enough confidence to speak for such a long, sustained amount of time on a recording. I decided against using a synthetic voice because I felt like my natural voice would portray more emotion and be more engaging. If I had the option to recreate the video, I would spend more time on the graphics aside from the time-lapse clips. I would add more color or visuals in order to create a more visually interesting and engaging video. Something I enjoyed about this assignment was having the creative freedom to decide what the tutorial would be about. Overall, I feel that this assignment has helped me grow substantially as a creator. This assignment forced me to further analyze the choices to make when creating a piece and forced me to gain a better understanding of how unity and contrast work together. Going forward from this assignment, I feel confident in my newfound understanding and appreciation for the Principles of Design.

Reflection on Redesign Zoom by WD

I had never thought about it before but IP (intellectual Property) Is quite the priority in regards to designs both new and/or improved. Coming back to an idea after a while gave me an opportunity to really take a look at it from a new light especially since I had learned and experienced many new things during that time which, to me, is a very important lesson about how any idea, design, or creation should never be left in the past and revisited or questioned at least once in a while. That is because how I came back to an old assignment for my final project and came up with ideas that I had not thought of before can be possible for anything that people come up with. So, from now on, I will make an effort to revisit old ideas and creations to see if they could be made better.

#blog #learning #vocabulary #reflection

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ricardotomasz · 3 years

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Such is life! Behold, a new Post published on Greater And Grander about The Dancing Rabbit: Kim Delgado

See into my soul, as a new Post has been published on http://greaterandgrander.com/2020/11/the-dancing-rabbit-kim-delgado/

The Dancing Rabbit: Kim Delgado

Kim Delgado has worn many hats in the entertainment industry which include: Writer, Director, Actor, Marketing Consultant, and Branding Creative Director. He has also taught screenwriting and acting as well as coaching actors for over twenty years.

Why did you get into the entertainment industry?

I enjoyed the theater and felt great joy in my early elementary and high school performances. After playing the role of Peter Pan in the 5th grade I knew I wanted to be an actor. At 12 1/2 I got a scholarship at PAF PLAYHOUSE in Huntington Long Island. I soon became an Equity Apprentice at the theater. I then got cast in the play "The Miracle Worker". My mom was an ardent lover of the arts and sent me to take some classes at the Performing Arts Foundation (PAF). Which was the only Equity theater on Long Island at the time.

What were your goals when you started?

I wanted to work as an actor and in the back of my mind, I thought maybe I would write plays and films one day. In the future, I am interested in expressing myself through the medium of media with topics that include social issues, current events, Bi-Op's, historical, and documentary style entertainment venues.

Did you go to film school?

No. I went to a performing arts BFA program. And went on to get practical experience working in the industry. I would recommend people who want to get into the entertainment industry to go to a film school or industry-related program that gives them the technical knowledge they will need to procure paying work. Learning things along the way takes longer and sometimes miss critical pieces of the puzzle.

Do you feel that you got the education you wanted from your time in school? Do you think you would have been better off going someplace else or simply just diving right into the industry?

I graduated from high school a year early at 16. I was working as an apprentice at (PAF) and was spotted by a talent scout for Trinity Square Repertory Company and went on tour before I even graduated from high school. I was rehearsing "Brother To Dragons' in Philadelphia and shuttling back and forth to Long Island to take my finals and graduate high school. I auditioned for Julliard, North Western, and Purchase. They auditioned me and all said to come back in a year. They did not want a 16-year-old to start their programs. Their policy was for a freshman to be at least 18 in their freshman year. I decided to go to the Davis Center in NYC. The Lenord Davis Center was a part of The City College Of New York. Since it was in New York City, I had access to all of New York Theater. I had a part time job working for the Golub Brothers and they controlled all the concessions on Broadway and Lincoln Center. I got to see every Show in NYC many times. It was heaven. If I had not been in NYC, I would not have access to industry or had the meteoric start to my career.

What advice would you give to a prospective student who is applying to film school?

Do your research. Try and figure out what you like in course materials and find the best fit for your mindset. Go on the internet and look up the teachers at various schools and find the review students give them. Read the "Hollywood Reporter", "Variety", and industry periodicals, looking at what kind of projects and jobs are available so you can gauge what skill sets you will need when you start looking for an industry job.

What did you do after school? Did you have trouble finding work when you first got out?

I was blessed. In my Senior year, I knew that school would be ending and my parents would no longer be footing the college bills. I took a course at Ben Collier's commercial and industry seminar. I then went on to freelance with multiple agents and got a national commercial, and booked "To Kill A Cop" which was a two-part four-hour NBC special. I took the first semester off and then doubled up my last semester. I graduated Cum Lude and got cast in a starring role in the feature film "Boardwalk" with Lee Strasberg, Ruth Gordon, Janet Lee, Eli Wallach, and Joe Silver. I literally graduated from college and got booked starring opposite the greatest acting teacher on the planet. Talk about a dream scenario this was an amazing start to my professional career.

What difficulties (if any) did you encounter in Hollywood?

When I first started out there were very few black roles outside of muggers, robbers and bad guys. I did a fair share of roles where I was being killed, getting arrested, or playing other unsavory roles. I studied Shakespeare and I was playing street thugs. You also run into scams. Bad photographers, for-pay casting calls, agents who held your money for months, and unscrupulous managers trying to take triple commissions. The industry showed me the good, the bad, and the ugly.

What did you do for a day job while looking for showbiz work?

My day Job in NY was background work. I specialized in commercial background work. The pay was great and in those days upgrades to principal happened a lot. While I was studying karate and auditioning for acting work I did work as a bouncer for the super hot club Paradise Garage. I also worked as a casting director for Group Seven Productions. After I moved to California I didn't do background or have a regular job for over 30 years.

Do you ever work for free or on spec now? And if so, how do you choose when to work on those terms?

I am so busy trying to get my own films and tv projects set up that there is no time to work on a spec. I recently took on a position as North American Development Director for Globalflix. My mandate is to find cross-pollination projects for Europe/Africa/South America and American storylines. Add that to the script doctoring jobs and mentoring of new writers and actors there is no time for freebies. I am juggling so many film and tv projects that I have written and developed that I can't write, act, or produce for free. If the right opportunity came up for materials that gob-smacked me I "might" consider working on it.

What are you currently working on, and how did you arrive here?

I have four features an animation series and a live-action series among 20 or so written projects that I am going out with through my agent and other contacts. You start at the beginning. I wrote my first project back in 1989. I have had over 12 options on the project and made over 100k in options but it has not been made. I am still shopping this feature project. It took me ten years to sell my first screenplay which was a co-written project. "Taken In Broad Day Light" went on to be the 3rd highest rated movie in Lifetime history and was sold to over 100 countries.

My latest project SK8HARD started as an animation idea. I was persuaded by a friend to write it into a live-action feature film. After several years of not getting any action on selling the script, I met a woman who wrote and produced comic books. So I decided to make my SK8HARD screenplay into comic books. Because I created my own Intellectual property, I now had enough new artwork to make an animation pitch bible and am shopping the project once again as an animated series. My agent just got interest from Netflix. So the circle is complete. I started with animation, went to live-action feature, then to comic book form and now back to animation.

What are the biggest mistakes a person can make when they first start working in the industry?

Writing is re-writing.

Acting is a technique, producing is knowing how to collaborate and delegate.

These are skills that take time to develop. The biggest mistake an artist can do is to not be ready when they get their shot. Lynn Manuel Miranda took seven years to get Hamilton on Broadway. He did not want to waste "his shot".

Prepare, study, and read about your craft. Network and meet other professionals.

Go to the theater, movies, and concerts.

Speak with working professionals and read periodicals and trades. It's your career so treat it like a profession and put the time and work into it.

What’s the biggest thing you depend on, on set?

As I said before making projects are a collaborative effort and you need everything to work like a smoothly oiled machine.

As a producer, my key crew members. The director for vision, my line producer to keep the project on time and on budget, and of course the actors and crew to deliver the best they have every day.

Did someone ever try to take advantage of your inexperience in Hollywood?

Hollywood is a backstabbing snake. all manner of liars, hooligans, gangsters, and perverts are attracted to the entertainment industry. The entertainment industry will chew you up and spit you out. Taking advantage of inexperience in Hollywood is part of the industry landscape.

People have tried to put their name on my scripts as co-writers, given me faulty contracts, tried to get me to sign away my script or life rights for peanuts. I have been routinely told that I'm really an actor so I wouldn't know about certain technical aspects of the industry. As a person of color, there is also a lot of racism.

I come from a cultured background. My father was a hematologist and my mother was a nurse practitioner/psychotherapist. We are an educated family. Besides writing stories about people of color, I write white and Jewish stories as I grew up in Huntington Long Island. There were no black kids in my school until 7th grade and then very few. I've been to at least 15 bat mitzvahs and 10 seders.

But industry people are surprised when they read my Alan Bell Environmental script or my Barry Levin TV series with Jewish protagonists. People have stared me directly in my face holding the script with my name on it and ask me "DID YOU REALLY WRITE THIS"? They just can't believe a black man wrote with such clarity about the Jewish experience.

Of course, it's okay for Stephen Spielberg to direct "The Color Purple". Or Johnny Depp to play a Native American in the "Lone Ranger", but whoa be it for a black man to write about another race other than his own. Hollywood is two-faced.

Did you ever pay for a program that promised big results to help further your career, but it never delivered?

Hollywood preys on desperate people. If it sounds too good to be true then you know it's too good to be true! There are plenty of producer workshops, networking parties, and parasitic online podcasts and blogs that people pay for in hopes of finding the holy grail of entrance into the entertainment industry. There is no holy grail just hard work and luck.

Yes, I have paid my hard-earned money to scammers that could really do nothing to move my projects forward.

I would advise producers, writers and other industry-related professionals to not spend a red-blooded cent if there is no clear cut definite outcome that can be defined and put in a contract. Someone trying to get your project set up, or trying to get you to finance or trying to get you an agent or meeting is BS.

Mortgage brokers get paid when they close a loan, agents get paid after they get you a gig. Paying upfront 99% of the time will net you no guaranteed results.

Did you ever come across a project or a person that looked promising, and then the whole thing blew up in your face?

Sigh... There a lot of Users in Hollywood.

I met a woman on LinkedIn and we met for lunch, (I admit she was beautiful).

We talked about some of my projects and she told me an idea/logline she had for a film. I was intrigued by the idea. Now an idea is just that. It's not a treatment, or a script. There are no character arcs, hooks, payoffs, witty dialogue, or plot intertwining with theme. It's just a general idea.

Over a few weeks I came up with a beginning, middle, and ending. Protagonists and Antagonists. Hooks and pay-offs. I shaped the idea into as story. There was no way I was going to teach her how to write, pay her half of a sale, get her into the WGA union and have her tell me what to write for free! I balked.

I came up with the whole story and a new title. Why would I write this for her and not own the material? She was unrealistic and I moved on as fast as i could. she was the type that would sue if I wrote and sold the script claiming it was "her idea" even know she only had a logline of an idea.

Were there any telling signs?

When I told her I would write it she said that she would need to write it with me and that she needed control to shop the project. Of course she had no money to pay me and had never written a script before.

Were you ever put in a position where you were asked to compromise your moral integrity?

I've been asked to keep quite on some issues but so far my moral integrity is in tact. Women in the industry have a much tougher time navigating the predatory sharks that are seeking their pound of flesh. Desperation breeds contempt and those who do the preying like Harvey Weinstein know that that they can destroy a career with a few unflattering words. People are afraid of these moguls and their power.

Did you ever embarrass yourself in front of a celebrity?

No. but I've embarrassed by celebrities. Paul Reiser worked out in a gym I frequented. We were all working out and he told a few jokes. I made a joke and he said to me "I make the jokes". The group went silent.

Another time I was working at the Mark Taper Forum and I had been asked to understudy the role of another character because one of the actors would be gone for a week shooting a movie. I jumped at the chance to work with one of my childhood heroes. I worked on the role as if I were actually going to do it. When we rehearsed, the star had not prepared and did not take rehearsing with me seriously. But I was using all my method acting training with facial twitches, sense memories, as if techniques and all my bag of tricks. He got so mad that I was showing him up he stopped the scene and started clapping and saying "Kim Delgado is giving us an acting lesson BRAVO!" He clapped for like 20 seconds but it felt like an eternity. It was 10am. The director called lunch and we never rehearsed that scene again. Talk about being embarrassed. My balls were sucked up into my throat and my gut felt like it was going to explode. I hadn't done anything but try and do good work with my idol. He didn't want to be bothered and eviscerated me in front of the entire cast. I did not say anything. He was a star. The show was a hit and extended. I got paid. Next!

Did you ever meet someone casually at a club that wound up leading to a great job or a major step in your career?

I met a line producer at a party in LA. He was going to be working on a project in NY and thought I would be perfect to play a role in a TV MOVIE. I gave him a picture and resume (I always carried P&R's in my car) and 4-5 months later he called me to have my agent submit to Judith Weiner the casting director. I didn't even have to audition. I looked like the character I was to play in the movie. I booked "Badge of the Assasin" playing Waverly Jones with stars James Woods and Yaphet Koto. As a bonus I was in the same production as my dear friend David Harris who starred in the movie "The Warriors".

What motto do you try to live your life by?

I have two. At Seido Karate our grand master Kaicho Tadashi Nakumura would give weekly meditation lectures. One of my favorites was "Yanna Karobi Yaoki". Which means to fall down 7 times and rise again on the 8th. As an artist failure is a recurring theme. Fredrick Douglas said "Without Struggle there is no progress". Learning from your failures can be very valuable lessons. So get up off the canvas and live to fight for your art again.

Part of getting my Black Belt in Seido Karate included writing a 20 page thesis. In that thesis I create my own motto "Direction Determination Discipline"

Direction: You must have a plan or a map for your success. It can be changed or modified but you need the structure so you don't find your self going in circles.

Determination: Nothing is easy, nothing is free. You must sacrifice something in order to move forward with your goals. Pehaps you skip the partys to cresate a new script, or eshrew romance to concentrate on editing, or give up coffe and sugar to keep your iritation levels or weight down. There will be sacrifice.

Discipline: It takes a thousand punches to get one perfect. Work your craft. A dancer must practice a thousand pleaes, a writer rewrites a scene 50 tines, a director shoots test shoots and shorts, try out new equipment, become an expert at what you do. It will take time and energy but the rewards can be great.

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the-seas-song · 6 years

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Tolkien Gen Week Day 5

DAY FIVE: diversity How does diversity affect Tolkien’s characters and your interpretations of them? Does a disability or orientation affect relationships with other characters? Have you lost sleep thinking about hobbit race relations? This is the day to consider all the other factors that go into a character’s life.

Work has been insane lately, so unfortunately I wasn't able to write everything I wanted to for this amazing week, but I really wanted to make sure I got this one done.

This is mainly a thank you post. First, I want to give a big thank you to @starlightwalking for creating and running this week. A lot of time must have gone into it, and I've had a great time.

I love all forms of love, and one of my favorite things about Tolkien's works is that he highlights a large variety of emotionally intimate platonic relationships. Thank you Tolkien. And also thank you to everyone who worked on the films, for not only portraying those in the texts, but actually adding and expanding the amount of deep platonic relationships.

As someone who is gray aro/ace, another one of my favorite things about Tolkien's works is the diversity in racial sexualities.

Elves only fall in love once in their life (technically it is possible for them to fall in love a second time, but we are only given two cases in all of Tolkien’s works, and both times there was a greater power at work). The foundation of elven-kind is memory and emotion. Their souls control their bodies. Elvish memories remain crystal clear, no matter how many decades or centuries pass. They never fade, even the slightest bit. Connected to memory is emotion. Elves feel things in a clearer way. They are ruled by emotion. They can literally just lie down and kill themselves with their mind, if they wish. Also, because of this clarity, they know from the beginning if they are feeling romantic-love or friendship-love for someone. There is nothing more important to an elf than their relationships, of any kind. Their anti-possessiveness goes so far that they will not even say 'I have two children’.

Tolkien says in LACE that almost all elves marry, and marry young. However, the entire legendarium contradicts that. Over half the elves we meet very marry/are never said to be married, and almost all of those that do marry do so well into their centuries and millenniums. Feanor and Nerdanel are literally the only elven couple that we are told married young.

Also, who could ever forget the tragedy of Beleg's death? “Thus ended Beleg Strongbow, truest of friends, greatest in skill of all that harboured in the woods of Beleriand in the Elder Days, at the hand of him whom he most loved; and that grief was graven on the face of Túrin and never faded.” - The Silmarillion

We are also given a tantalizing hint of one deep female friendship: “Fingolfin’s wife Anaire refused to leave Aman, largely because of her friendship with Earwen wife of Arafinwe (though she was a Noldo and not one of the Teleri). But all her children went with their father.” - The Shibboleth of Feanor

Another thing I rarely see people mention is Tolkien explicitly separating sex and gender:

According to the Eldar, the only 'character' of any person that was not subject to change was the difference of sex. For this they held to belong not only to the body but also to the mind equally: that is, to the person as a whole. [cut] Those who returned from Mandos, therefore, after the death of their first body, returned always to the same name and to the same sex as formerly.

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For the [souls] of the Elves are of their nature male and female, and not their [bodies] only. - LACE

Because their souls control their bodies, there are no trans elves. However, the fact that Tolkien took pains to explicitly say this for elves, throws the door wide open for all of the other races!

We're also told that about two thirds of dwarves are naturally aromantic, and those who aren’t only fall in love once. So, another gray aro/ace race!

There are so many amazing fanworks out there that diversify Tolkien's works even more.

Throughout my years of being a fan I've met a fair amount of purists, and there's nothing wrong with being a purist. Most of them are lovely people. I am, however, a firm believer in Roland Barthes's The Death of the Author (found here) theory. The great thing is Tolkien was too:

The Lord of the Rings has been read by many people since it finally appeared in print; and I should like to say something here with reference to the many opinions or guesses that I have received or have read concerning the motives and meaning of the tale. The prime motive was the desire of a tale-teller to try his hand at a really long story that would hold the attention of readers, amuse them, delight them, and at times maybe excite them or deeply move them. As a guide I had only my own feelings for what is appealing or moving, and for many the guide was inevitably often at fault. Some who have read the book, or at any rate have reviewed it, have found it boring, absurd, or contemptible; and I have no cause to complain, since I have similar opinions of their works, or of the kinds of writing that they evidently prefer. But even from the points of view of many who have enjoyed my story there is much that fails to please. It is perhaps not possible in a long tale to please everybody at all points, nor to displease everybody at the same points; for I find from the letters that I have received that the passages or chapters that are to some a blemish are all by others specially approved. The most critical reader of all, myself, now finds many defects, minor and major, but being fortunately under no obligation either to review the book or to write it again, he will pass over these in silence, except one that has been noted by others: the book is too short.

As for any inner meaning or 'message', it has in the intention of the author none. It is neither allegorical nor topical. As the story grew it put down roots (into the past) and threw out unexpected branches: but its main theme was settled from the outset by the inevitable choice of the Ring as the link between it and The Hobbit.

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Other arrangements could be devised according to the tastes or views of those who like allegory or topical reference. But I cordially dislike allegory in all its manifestations, and always have done so since I grew old and wary enough to detect its presence. I much prefer history, true or feigned, with its varied applicability to the thought and experience of readers. I think that many confuse 'applicability' with 'allegory'; but the one resides in the freedom of the reader, and the other in the purposed domination of the author.

An author cannot of course remain wholly unaffected by his experience, but the ways in which a story-germ uses the soil of experience are extremely complex, and attempts to define the process are at best guesses from evidence that is inadequate and ambiguous. It is also false, though naturally attractive, when the lives of an author and critic have overlapped, to suppose that the movements of thought or the events of times common to both were necessarily the most powerful influences. One has indeed personally to come under the shadow of war to feel fully its oppression; but as the years go by it seems now often forgotten that to be caught in youth by 1914 was no less hideous an experience than to be involved in 1939 and the following years. By 1918 all but one of my close friends were dead. Or to take a less grievous matter: it has been supposed by some that 'The Scouring of the Shire' reflects the situation in England at the time when I was finishing my tale. It does not. It is an essential part of the plot, foreseen from the outset, though in the event modified by the character of Saruman as developed in the story without, need I say, any allegorical significance or contemporary political reference whatsoever. It has indeed some basis in experience, though slender (for the economic situation was entirely different), and much further back. The country in which I lived in childhood was being shabbily destroyed before I was ten, in days when motor-cars were rare objects (I had never seen one) and men were still building suburban railways. Recently I saw in a paper a picture of the last decrepitude of the once thriving corn-mill beside its pool that long ago seemed to me so important. I never liked the looks of the Young miller, but his father, the Old miller, had a black beard, and he was not named Sandyman. - LotR Foreward

And:

The Lord of the Rings as a story was finished so long ago now that I can take a largely impersonal view of it, and find 'interpretations' quite amusing; even those that I might make myself, which are mostly post scriptum: I had very little particular, conscious, intellectual, intention in mind at any point.* Except for a few deliberately disparaging reviews – such as that of Vol. II in the New Statesman,3 in which you and I were both scourged with such terms as 'pubescent' and 'infantilism' – what appreciative readers have got out of the work or seen in it has seemed fair enough, even when I do not agree with it. Always excepting, of course, any 'interpretations' in the mode of simple allegory: that is, the particular and topical. In a larger sense, it is I suppose impossible to write any 'story' that is not allegorical in proportion as it 'comes to life'; since each of us is an allegory, embodying in a particular tale and clothed in the garments of time and place, universal truth and everlasting life. Anyway most people that have enjoyed The Lord of the Rings have been affected primarily by it as an exciting story; and that is how it was written. Though one does not, of course, escape from the question 'what is it about?' by that back door. That would be like answering an aesthetic question by talking of a point of technique. I suppose that if one makes a good choice in what is 'good narrative' (or 'good theatre') at a given point, it will also be found to be the case that the event described will be the most 'significant'.

* Take the Ents, for instance. I did not consciously invent them at all. The chapter called 'Treebeard', from Treebeard's first remark on p. 66, was written off more or less as it stands, with an effect on my self (except for labour pains) almost like reading some one else's work. And I like Ents now because they do not seem to have anything to do with me. I daresay something had been going on in the 'unconscious' for some time, and that accounts for my feeling throughout, especially when stuck, that I was not inventing but reporting (imperfectly) and had at times to wait till 'what really happened' came through. But looking back analytically I should say that Ents are composed of philology, literature, and life.

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That of course does not mean that the main idea of the story was a war-product. That was arrived at in one of the earliest chapters still surviving (Book I, 2). It is really given, and present in germ, from the beginning, though I had no conscious notion of what the Necromancer stood for (except ever-recurrent evil) in The Hobbit, nor of his connexion with the Ring. But if you wanted to go on from the end of The Hobbit I think the ring would be your inevitable choice as the link. If then you wanted a large tale, the Ring would at once acquire a capital letter; and the Dark Lord would immediately appear. As he did, unasked, on the hearth at Bag End as soon as I came to that point. So the essential Quest started at once. But I met a lot of things on the way that astonished me. Tom Bombadil I knew already; but I had never been to Bree. Strider sitting in the comer at the inn was a shock, and I had no more idea who he was than had Frodo. The Mines of Moria had been a mere name; and of Lothlórien no word had reached my mortal ears till I came there. Far away I knew there were the Horse-lords on the confines of an ancient Kingdom of Men, but Fangorn Forest was an unforeseen adventure. I had never heard of the House of Eorl nor of the Stewards of Gondor. Most disquieting of all, Saruman had never been revealed to me, and I was as mystified as Frodo at Gandalf's failure to appear on September 22.1 knew nothing of the Palantíri, though the moment the Orthanc-stone was cast from the window, I recognized it, and knew the meaning of the 'rhyme of lore' that had been running in my mind: seven stars and seven stones and one white tree. These rhymes and names will crop up; but they do not always explain themselves. I have yet to discover anything about the cats of Queen Berúthiel.8 But I did know more or less all about Gollum and his pan, and Sam, and I knew that the way was guarded by a Spider. And if that has anything to do with my being stung by a tarantula when a small child,9 people are welcome to the notion (supposing the improbable, that any one is interested). I can only say that I remember nothing about it, should not know it if I had not been told; and I do not dislike spiders particularly, and have no urge to kill them. I usually rescue those whom I find in the bath! - Letter 163

Tolkien's loathing of allegory is well known. However, most don't talk about the fact that his fundamental reason for loathing it is because it enforces the domination of the author over the freedom of the reader - “I think that many confuse 'applicability' with 'allegory'; but the one resides in the freedom of the reader, and the other in the purposed domination of the author.”

So, as we continue to love these works and create our own, let's never forget that Tolkien himself believed in our agency.

P.S. I have to share this quote from Letter 66. It's too funny!

A new character has come on the scene (I am sure I did not invent him, I did not even want him, though I like him, but there he came walking into the woods of Ithilien): Faramir, the brother of Boromir – and he is holding up the 'catastrophe' by a lot of stuff about the history of Gondor and Rohan (with some very sound reflections no doubt on martial glory and true glory): but if he goes on much more a lot of him will have to be removed to the appendices — where already some fascinating material on the hobbit Tobacco industry and the Languages of the West have gone.

#Faramir #Tolkien #tolkiengenweek #Mine

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