#i could exist and still hurt myself

[cluescorner]

Randomized Robins AU - Ages + Worst Trait Exercise:

Steph (25):

Says her worst trait is her murderous rages (she is exaggerating for dramatic/comedic effect, she’s killed 3 people tops and for very good reason)

Thinks her worst trait is her spitefulness (one of the few traits she definitely got from her father + one that prevents her from fixing her relationships and living her best possible life. She’ll refuse to interact with someone she dearly loves after an argument (happens significantly less after Tim’s death) or will say things she knows are hurtful just for the sake of having the last word. This trait will worsen in some ways as the list of people who have wronged her and those she loves grows, but will also ease up as she matures and realizes the harm it’s doing to her relationships with those she loves most.)

Her worst trait really is her spitefulness

Cass (26)

Says her worst trait is her self-righteousness (she believes that her goals are righteous and, as a result, she is righteous. Cass becomes very defensive whenever someone questions the mission and often does not second-guess herself. This is a trait she only develops later in life as she grows closer to Bruce/learns to understand herself more/starts to love herself more. But she knows she isn’t perfect and when somebody she trusts criticizes something she is doing she is willing to listen. She just usually isn’t the one to START the introspection.) 

Thinks her worst trait is her self-righteousness. 

Her worst trait actually is her obsessiveness (she gets it from Bruce and, while not as bad as him, she will easily become preoccupied with her night-life and the mission if someone isn’t there to pull her back. She will do this to the point of self-destruction and it hurts her relationships with the people she loves, especially Steph.)

Tim (24)

Says his worst trait is his spitefulness (he actively rejects the idea of mending his relationships with the older members of the family and this causes him to also lack good relationships with the younger ones)

Thinks his worst trait is his obsessiveness (similar to Cass, if he gets fixated on a task or idea he will neglect everything else in his life in order to dedicate more time to it. Unlike Cass, he will almost never be dragged away from it unless Pierrot snatches control of the body and forces them to take care of themself.)

His worst trait actually is how manipulative he is (the KING of guilt-tripping and using people’s emotions against them. He’ll do whatever he needs to do to get what he wants, he’s not above crocodile tears. And he will do it to whoever he needs (or wants) to with little care for how his actions impact others.)

Pierrot (Insists: “Age doesn’t apply to me! And even if it did, I'd probably be the oldest. Or the youngest! I’d never be a middle child, though.” Mental assessments by the Bats have put him around 21, with a margin of error of 3 years. Pierrot has called this “blatant character assassination by my eternal rival!”)

Says his worst trait is that he is an irredeemable psychopath without any regard for the wellbeing of others (this is a lie and everyone who's important to him understands this). 

Thinks his worst trait is his parasitic nature (he literally would not exist had Tim not suffered the way he did. Plus he is a living reminder of one of the worst things that happened to many of his loved ones. He is a parasite injected into a functional person's body and contributes to his continued suffering. This is also a largely incorrect judgement of himself, caused by his actual worst trait.)

His worst trait actually is his limited sense of self (he doesn’t really know who he is outside of ‘inheritor to the legacy of the Joker (a man he despises yet also views as a father)’ and ‘chip in Tim’s brain that became sentient’. He slowly develops an identity over the course of his life and relationships with other people, but he lacks the foundations of identity that most people have. Pierrot will often almost become a caricature of himself and what others perceive him to be because it's the only person he knows how to be. This causes wild swings in how he behaves and relates to others, sometimes to the detriment of himself and others.)

Dick (17) 

Says his worst trait is his clinginess (he is a very extraverted person who likes to be around others, which mixed with his fear of abandonment after his parents died means that if he goes a few days without seeing/talking to a friend he will get very anxious.)

Thinks his worst trait is his anger issues (he gets ticked off very easily and will explode on people. He’s kind at his core and is usually very nice, but he has a temper that can escalate significantly. Spoiler (and later Twist) help him channel this anger into something positive.)

His worst trait actually is his anger issues.

Barbara (18)

Says her worst trait is her disability (internalized ableism, she thinks of herself as less valuable than the other Bats because she cannot be out there in the capes like they can. She will grow out of this as she matures and as she learns how invaluable her support for the team is.)  

Thinks her worst trait is her disability 

Her worst trait actually is her overly-independent nature (In an attempt to overcompensate for everything she can no longer do, she has resolved to do literally everything that she possibly can without any help from others. This results in many instances where she either takes on too much and winds up not being able to fully realize any of her tasks or where she makes her life and the lives of others significantly harder by refusing help when offered/not asking for it when she needs it.)

Damian (16)

Says his worst trait is his perfectionism (he is overly critical of both himself and others, taking any flaw or problem and amplifying it to an absurd degree. This is due in part to his life with the LoA (where even a brief misstep could lead to death), in part to how others treated him initially as Spoiler (any flaw was fixated on and used as a reason to either mistrust him or portray him as unworthy of the mantle), and in part due to the fact that he is Bruce’s son (the only person with worse perfectionism problems than Damian). Gradually, Damian has improved in this regard but it’s still a massive barrier to both his own happiness and his relationships with others.)

Thinks his worst trait is his perfectionism 

His worst trait actually is his perfectionism

Duke (16)

Says his worst trait is his definitely-real secret evil side (says this as a ‘my dad is a villain so who knows??’ joke)

Thinks his worst trait is his impulsivity in his words (Sometimes he will crack a joke or say a remark without thinking it through, leading to a LOT of hurt feelings and drama. He’ll say something without thinking it through and wind up seeming insensitive. This isn’t done because of malice, rather because Duke is someone who’s quick to act and speak. But while the mantle of Insight and his awakening powers have helped him with his actions, they do not always help with his loose tongue. As such, Duke gains an unfair reputation in the media as an instigator and will accidentally cause family drama through what he says.)

His worst trait actually is his impulsivity in his words

Jason (14)

Says his worst trait is his bad manners (he grew up on the streets and has no idea how rich-people society works, which he’s pretty insecure about considering he’s now the youngest kid of Bruce freaking Wayne). 

Thinks his worst trait is his reactiveness (Jason never got the privilege of planning ahead for various events in his life, so he instead needed to rely on being swift and harsh in how he could react to situations. It’s saved his life on multiple occasions and helps significantly in his role as Spoiler, but it can also lead to extreme overreactions (accidentally causing kidnapping scare after Jason ran away following a fight with Dick) and a struggle to plan things out ahead of time. As he grows more secure in his place in the family and in life, this trait will lessen but never fully dissipate.)

His worst trait actually is his reactiveness

#stephanie brown #cassandra cain #tim drake #dick grayson #barbara gordon #damian wayne #duke thomas #jason todd #batfamily #randomizedrobinsau #I'm debating whether I should tag this with the Joker Junior tag and those related to it for Pierrot #because like...it's not quite that. but it's also very close to that and is the direct result of that. #but Pierrot would fucking HATE to be tagged as that and sees it as an insult to his identity...which he already has problems with #so I don't think I'm gonna #anyways lmao I am totally projecting my younger self onto Barbara. How could I not? She's literally the reason I view my disability #the way that I do and she actively improved my mental health just by existing and saying some of the shit she did when I was in the #stages of accepting my own disability. So yeah I am projecting a lot onto her because I love her and see myself in her. #I'm mostly basing these characterizations on my favorite versions of them (ie Red Robin 2009 Tim and Birds of Prey Barbara). #so I'm taking the traits I like/think fit in this AU and discarding what I think either is bad or doesn't fit or if I just don't like it. #Damian's 'murder gremlin who is a meanie on purpose because he is a meanie' is entirely unappealing to me and also does not fit this AU #I prefer him when he's portrayed as a sympathetic kid (who is still an asshole) and not a demon child. So that's what I'm using. #same with Talia's 'abusive mother who is totally on-board with all of her father's bullshit and will kill someone for no reason' version #I have read enough comics to know what I like/what is most important and what I don't like/what is #BLATANT CHARACTER ASSASSINATION GRANT MORRISON YOU FUCK YOU SET TALIA BACK SO FUCKING FAR #I also decided to outline their WORST traits because I already know what I like about these characters/their best traits. #most people do. But what was a greater challenge was finding what would make their lives and those of others worse. #what would I hate about this person if I knew them IRL? What would I first suggest they get therapy for? What hurts them and why? #I found these questions really interesting in the context of this AU where some people are forced into completely different roles #the says/thinks/is was inspired by trying to answer that question for myself. I say my worst trait is my impulsiveness but when #I asked others in my life they answered 'oh so you said your weird thing where you don't ask for help right?'

[asteralien]

not to be like “i miss college” even though i do but mostly i think i miss being smart. before depression and life events had chewed up and partially swallowed my brain. just getting to problem solve and think, being Very Into something as the norm. i know being an english major is basically the easiest thing you can be at the undergrad level but i do feel like that was the one and only time in my life where my natural state was actually a pro instead of a con. i graduated with the highest honors and absolutely no one cared but i cared

#aster chat #family life exploding exactly one (1) month from graduation is still just. it. god. it was almost seven years ago and it still hurts #SO much. i had worked so hard to graduate with the honors i did #i took a 400 level history class in my 2nd semester with one of the hardest humanities profs and i got a B #i basically lived in a break room for a whole semester because my misophonia was so bad with my roommate at night #i stashed pillows and blankets behind a couch and slept there to stay sane enough to write my papers #i got so close to Ending Things three times and DIDN'T #my professors LOVED ME #and then graduation came and it was just. over. #went right back home to sit between my parents as much as i could and get yelled at and watch everything go down the drain #like as soon as i walked out of college i stopped existing except as something for my parents and my job to use up #like. i know it's cringy to still be thinking about college but that was the last time i mattered as myself. you know #people liked me because of my brain! my thoughts! not for what i could do for them or for a paycheck #me qua me #okay lmao Antidepressant Time bye #no offense but my english classes wouldn't have made me feel weird about saying 'boon' instead of 'pro' up there #i changed it to not sound like an assclown but my profs would have thought it was funny.

[ouchhq]

>:(

#i need to vent a little im sorry pls ignore this if u are bothered by my thoughts #SH tw !!!!!! #this morning i was supposed to have my weekly therapy session but i had to cancel bc my mom got covid and obviously stayed home from work #and i do online therapy and i didnt feel comfortable doing it with my mom around but i really needed to do it tbh #and then my professor replied to my email with all of the things ive been working on since august and didnt say anything about the material #he just asked to call me on the phone tomorrow and i started to spiral…. like Spiral with a capital s #even now thinking about it my stomach sinks bc i have this feeling that his feedback is going to be negative and i just know my #barely existent self esteem is going to break and idk what im gonna do with myself then #this afternoon while i was spiraling all i wanted to do was /hurt/ myself. i kept thinking that i wasnt good enough and i had done a #horrible job.. so bad that he couldnt even tell me by email but needed to do it on the phone and i felt like throwing up and i couldnt get #/​that/ thought out of my head and i could only cry #and all of this not even actually knowing what my professors feed back is going to be because this is just all in my head #but i was talking to my school friends and they were like oh its gonna be fine even if he doesnt like it u can still put the project in ur #portfolio hes not even our professor anymore and so on #and i kept saying that i knew that but i just could not handle that sort of feedback and rejection mentally #i was telling them that i knew i would crumble if i got real negative feedback and i was terrified of that and they just couldnt get it and #idk it made me feel really lonely #im a bit calmer now but i feel so depressed #i am really anticipating something that will hurt really bad

[the-trans-dragon]

The longer I am alive, the more my brain replays that scene in Lilo and Stitch where the scientist is watching Stitch fret around at night, and the scientist says something like, "poor thing, doesn't even have fond memories to keep it warm at night" or something

As a kid, I didn't realize how comforting memories could be, and I rarely had the luxury to create them.

I am glad I survived. It would have been easier, with fond memories to comfort me during painful times. I have many now, though, and they are indeed good company.

#i wish id sat in more trees and watched more falling stars and snuck out to watch the first colors of sunrise over the river more often. #i wished id understood how to make friends. i wish i could have been vulnerable enough to make friends. i wish surviving hadnt been a #constant struggle. it is what it is. sometimes when i was a kid id wonder if my future self would have more love for me. id ache for it to #be true--for someone to know me and still love me. and i love that younger version of myself so much. they did so good. it all hurt so #terribly but they did so good anyways. i am very proud of them for fighting through the bad things so i could find unimaginable happiness. #like life is still really hard but like...idk. i never knew id ever have a comforting friendship. i never knew someone would love all of me #its so precious to me--to exist here and now with a wife and a partner and a cat. to cherish my body and view it as a ally rather than a #nemesis and failure. this has been a big year for Learning To Be Gentle With Myself and ive found such a quiet restfulness. its peaceful in #my brain when all of the terror settles down and allows softness and quietness and gentleness to exist in my brain. #sorenhoots #and i have memories that are so warm now. they grow like a struggling garden but they grow. someday theyll grow like weeds i hope. ill do my #best to keep planting them.

[skunkes]

Do u ever think abt where al (and talon too neow?) will go when u find ur person irl? Ykwim? like do u think we'd forget them / drop / git bored of our lil oc guys (of al's nature)? it feels sad!!! like a real loss 2 me. is it weird to be attached to them like they r real? HMM.

i hope ur doing well btw wit all da things ur goin thru. wishin u the best, peace and stability to u, bruther <3

dis is so scary i was just talking to a friend about something adjacent to this...

putting under read more solely because it feels weird to have some of the stuff im gonna mention just out in the open loll ^_^ ^_^

so! I kind of already experienced something like this last year, when i found myself um...in a situation like one you described...

I put al up on the shelf for a bit then picked him back up a few months later for much needed comfort among lots of confusion... I look at this Now as maybe being because, well. things started going south at that time and i needed Al again... + that makes sense! but i also have a friend who's in a long term relationship who still has thier own array of characters in their brain to lean on for comfort (though they aren't ocs)

I understand what you mean though... I'm attached to them like they're real. and neither outcome sounds good to me...!

like if the case is just that The Best Fit For Me, My Partner, really will make me forget about them, that makes me sad!!! Al has been in my life for such a long time. in those few short months of my situation where things were nice, I didn't have much to draw...! I don't know what I would draw if it wasn't my little comforts...! My yearning... It felt really weird even if i was happy for a little bit... it felt weird that he was just Gone.

BUT if the case is that i find a partner that's a good fit for me and i DONT forget about Al (and talon)...then that's also kinda sad...! Sad that I still need additional fantasy comfort that can never be real... because the little guys in my brain are like their own people... sad that there's nothing on earth close enough in the same way that everyone you date can have their own qualities you'll miss because theyre their own person, except they'll always just be in my brain and never in my arms etc etc... it is sad.... sometimes i just get emotional over having created em at all because all the outcomes are so sad to me......

#skunk mail #Anonymous #long post #long ask #like argh i cant believe it. #you bring me so much comfort and sanity but remembering you dont exist hurts so bad. #i wish i could be happy with just you in my brain but i need to physically hold somebody but nobody will ever be you...! #and you will never be real but i love you so muck... #id be worse off if you never existed but you're never going to leave... and nothing will ever compare...augh #and if u do leave thats also sad ! #and idkkkk i know it sounds so cringe. like obvs its romanticized idealized #but i already experienced the real thing once #my friend is experiencing the real thing now #and we still needed/need that supplemental love that isnt real...ugh #ykwim? so this isnt even just ''fictional character better because Easier and No Struggle'' #bc even in my fantasies there's conflict or ups and downs or just boring days...domestic things #wahh #i wouldnt even be happy being like the cockroach wife guy. i cant be happy if i dont have anyone to physically tangibly share a life with. #ive really just screwed myself over with my copium #BUT like it also makes sense??? one person cant be your everything you still have friends that fill different roles in your life #but idk. its still hard bc the ppl in my brain do fulfill different needed roles but arent real

[im-still-watching-anime]

oh.

#this yuri on ice news….. #i really can’t #little closeted 16 year old me lived because she saw that #like this HURTS me #that series was THE thing that made me okay with my sexuality #that made me feel like i could live a happy and loved life #like this is ABSURD to me #i dont even know what to say #the things yoi did for just general acceptance and representation #the amount of queer kids who found themselves through it #the amount of people who came out to me who I came out to because we talked about yoi like god #this is like kind of actually nonironically devastating to me #cause yeah it’s just a piece of fiction but like cmon man thats THE fiction got me to love myself #this is crazy #i need to go buy that little piece of 16 year old me that still exists some ice cream #that girl deserves it after waiting what like 8? years just for this #man im like about to cry over this this is dumb #ughh that childhood stuff really does stick with ya huh #anyway sending love to all the other people whose childhood hearts are getting broken over this #im an adult and im normal and great at taking bad news

[soul-spoken]

I vent or breakdown so often, I know I get told it's fine and talk when I need to but geez it feels so excessive, like I'm overly sensitive or just really really easily triggered over things that shouldn't even relate to my trauma

We come to solutions or we distract from it, or we cuddle, but it's just always there.

I can almost always feel the dumb anxiety or depression feelings, I don't want to

I wish my brain understood that

#im tired of only feeling safe when im overly babied and small. i know at this current time point certain traumas are still really fresh #and i need to let myself acknowledge that and relax and maybe be taken care of on a higher level but #i feel so clingy and embarrassed #and i really wish i wasn't still reminded of things from the past. i hate getting anxious over things from high school or college #that doesn't matter anymore #i don't wanna be so vulnerable and scared all the time #but i think i need to #i just want to be held. feel skin to skin. get kissed and called sweet names #i wanna feel his nails through my hair. hear that hushed voice he does when being soft. i wanna be closer #i wanna be safe and told its not scary. its not bad. instead of how we've been going about things.. #cant i just feel secluded and loved? feel protected and small #i wanna be told that my ptsd is a normal reaction and that i dont have to be like i was before. i can take a while to gather myself #to mourn and exist. to just.. be #be however my brain is needing to be in order to relax #i wanna be intimate and romantic and loving and gentle #i feel so guilty over these wants and needs #i wish i didn't have them. i wish i understood that its safe to have them. #i wish i was different #i wish i was me. but me before #when i was stable and felt nice and independent but i still had little moments of softness and needing help. i miss my early early twenties #but. i also miss the feeling of being held tight by him and told nothing could hurt me anymore. that he was gonna keep the bad away #like middle school. keeping the mean kids away #i love him. i want to feel loved #i am loved. i don't doubt that. but i wish i could capture every soft second and live in it forever #and i feel so guilty #trav.txt

[dollsome-does-tumblr]

can’t believe the gone girl movie got made as nick’s version 😭😭😭

#I just reread the book and hadn’t seen the movie since it was in theatres #and i forgot how much a lot of the changes disappointed me #but especially AMY NOT GETTING THE LAST WORD!!!!!! 😡 when she SPECIFICALLY REQUESTED IT!!!! #and the ‘because you have to wake up every morning and be you’ line means so much to me #cannot fathom how you could cut that #trying to remind myself that the book still exists so the movie can’t hurt me #but also i really want to scream ‘you don’t even GET IT!’ at the movie a lot #(yes i know that gillian flynn wrote the screenplay) #dollsome's deep thoughts #i need gone girl directed by a woman STAT

[yourcalamity]

im about to have such a potent opportunity to disappear into the woods forever it itches

#i wonder how long it would take anyone to figure it out lol #youre welcome future coldcase vloggers #but for the record if i do mysteriously vanish no its not because of my job #must be said because thats the easiest explanation people come up with yeah it would be convenient right #if i could just get a new job and suddenly everything in my life will be fixed and all of the other blatant issues clearly coming from other #sources will cease to exist #also therapy and meds will do the same thing. i might as well walk up to a stranger and ask them to snap their fingers and cure me #just as long as the hand i turn to for help points in another direction technically im being ‘helped’ right #life is just a fight and you have to keep fighting for yourself and others and hope one day someone is going to fight for you #and when people dont fight for you when you need them to it becomes clear that you dont even need to fight. it would be easier to lose #you already upset them by not fighting for yourself and instead of fighting for you now theyre fighting againt you. do you really want to #fight harder. do you really want to fight people you love. no one wants that #ive been so emotionally destroyed these past years and idk if i will ever recover or find worth in myself again #and if i got a new job tomorrow at the most comfortable high paying company in the world with a one day work week and unlimited pto #i would still feel worthless because of the experiences ive had and the way everyobe has brushed over them as if i cant feel emotion #i have been carrying so much hurt #now im going home to say goodbye to the remains of a stranger who wouldve disowned me had we ever spoken on even ground #but sure i will enjoy my trip

[sick-as-a-dog]

×

#just the thought of him not loving me the same way and amount i love him makes me want to slice myself up #ill only stop cutting when i cant feel anything anymore not pain not love just emptiness #just want to be with master but dont want to make him stressed out because im too dependent and reliant on him #why cant i just feel my emotions the right way or a normal amount or at least less strong? why am i like this? #why cant i love like a human and why must that shit be so complicated? why am i so feralminded? #and why cant i feel my loves separately? should i even? or am i not understanding it right? why do i feel everything wrong? #why must i love him like a wild animal loves its lifelong mate? but also like how that animal loves the taste of prey and hungers for it? #like a dog loves its master and feels the unending loyalty and unconditional love overtake remaining wolflike instinct #like a best friend i also wish to do stereotypical romantic and domestic things with and so much more #i want to be bound to him in any way possible marriage and collars and microchips and blood pacts and marking and such #but im so scared he wont want that anymore i want to stop feeling i need to completely stop feeling and worrying but i cant #even when im emotionally numb i still feel that canine love for him even if just a glimmer #i wish i knew what he thinks love is and what hes comfortable with and how he felt and experienced love and if he still loves me like #he did before he came out as aro....im scared to bring up how calling himself aro and me his exception actually hurts and idk if i should #tbh him saying hes aro yet says he loves me feels like when a close friend keeps saying they dont have any friends while youre right there #like my existence makes his identity a lie or a betrayal to him i cant shake the gross feeling that hes forcing himself to stay for my sake #....hell am i even his exception anymore? what did he mean by same amount but not the same? what changed? did anything actually change? #wish i could figure out what love is and how to feel it right..esp dont understand romantic or queerplatonic or anything its all confusing #i want to take on the world with him and stop being an emotional wreck so we can fuck anyone together like we swore to #i just want to live the rest of my life by his side and i want to experience all we can together #picnics and movies and living together and sharing a nest and....idk i just want to be with him forever and hope he still feels the same #it would literally kill me if he ever left or fell out of love i think i would lose whats left of my mind and end up bleeding myself dry #i want us to be together forever and never ever stop being mates but i cant help but be terrified and confused and hurt

[pinkseas]

girl who thinks about xiaolumi too much literally while in the middle of writing abt them and then starts crying a little bit

#LISTENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN. listennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn. #aly.genshin #okay im jsut. gonna like say so many words #idk i had this Very Skewed Perception for a Very Long Time #that there was a certain kind of love and closeness only achievable through pain. #that you'd have to yank someones ribcage open and carve yourself out a place in their heart to really belong there #that was my first real lasting impression of true love. that for such intense trust and care to exist there had to be equal pain #for a while i thought All love was like that. and then the more i grew up the more i learned just how wrong i was #but even when i got to a point where id learned SO much and was doing SO much better #i genuinely didnt think that vulnerability could exist without pain #and i dont think that was something i thought about everyone. i think i believed that for Other People it wouldnt necessarily have to hurt #but for me? if i wanted to really actually be open and honest with someone? if i wanted to trust them wholly? #they'd have to tear me open and sew a piece of themselves right there in my chest and never let the wound close #that was what closeness meant. that was what trust meant. #and id rather never achieve true trust that led to that closeness than let someone do that to me again. #and then i met ash and craig and i started to believe maybe it didnt have to hurt. maybe you COULD be wholly vulnerable without things like #manipulation and pain and abuse and whatnot #but i still hadnt reached that point. still HAVENT reached that point. #and even though i found myself believing it was maybe possible. the belief wasnt wholly there? #i had no examples i couldnt think of anything or anyone who really truly loved each other and had such a deep intimate level of trust- #-without having to hurt each other to cause it #and then !!!!!!!!!!! those two. and all those fucking questlines and all the little details ingame #two people who've been left behind in one way or another and struggle to open themselves up to or really trust anyone else #SO used to working on their own SO used to being alone no one left to rely on no one left to let in. the entire world kept at arms length #but with each other !!!!!!!!! there's so much CARE #she falls and he catches her and thats it! shes saved. shes fine. #but he still holds on. he supports her as she catches her breath and really recovers. #keeps a hold on her hand and her waist and does the little squeeze thing before letting go. silent reassurance. silent faith. #and in the chasm there's just. she cares so MUCH about him she gets so worried !!!!!! #HELP I HIT A TAG LIMIT I TYPED SO MUCH MORE AND ITS JUST. GONE. reblogging this to continue hold on

[faggatini]

maybe ther is a problem

#idk… #venting in the tags a bit #I need to talk to my therapist and see a psychiatrist but #for the past to hours I had a panic attack and convinced myself I was going to die and then in the middle of that I got an itch #and I’ve always had a scratching problem where I scratch myself a lot #NOT WITH THE INTENT TO HURT MYSELF #it just happens when I’m anxious and it’s gotten better if we th years #but I got itchy and I could t stop scratching myself everywhere and then my head chit so itchy and I spent forever trying to find nits #(live eggs) in my hair. But there was nothing but I kept looking and looking and still noting was there #and my scalp was really try so thee was a little bit of dry skin coming off which made me even more crazy about it #and I don’t know. I’m over it now I’m fine but like. there’s always something wrong and I don’t want every day and every night #to be this bad awful experience because then that’s just my whole existence. knowing that each day there’s going to be *something* to make #me absolutely miserable. #so I really hope this is just a stress thing xoxox #also i don’t have lice I just needed to clear that up

[bredforloyalty]

woke up in a cold sweat after dreaming that rcg became infinitely more cringe

#i don't remember exactly what their new thing was but i wouldn't describe it if i could #but it was just shameless and lazy and out of touch and yet still a cash grab #and my parents (mom mainly) somehow knew and disapproved?? i think that was in the mix bc you can't just have interests or like things in #this house your things are either gonna get shat on often and profusely or only sometimes #if one parent doesn't hate what you love the other one is gonna #i'm tired of explaining and apologizing for being myself all the time because these people refuse to be open and accept who their #own fucking children are lol #and it's tiring to live under scrutiny and social media already provides me (and us) with scrutiny and i'm already sensitive to it #because my parents couldn't be normal about me 🙄 and then there are men and capitalism out there and that's scary.. #and it's scary that so many people unabashedly chase money or fame or whatever and put on masks and btw an influencer is a #type of horror creature #anyway that's all whatever‚ it also scares me that it's possible to hurt yourself through parasociality gysgxy and that loving anything #that someone else made comes with uhh implications. it shouldn't (i should allow myself to exist) but it does for me #and this was all wrapped in a nice little shit bundle of awkwardness and pity and regret and i did not like this dream #kata.txt

[phantaloon]

.

#am i in the wrong for feeling uncomfortable when talking to my very christian friends about how devoted they are to their religion #when i feel like all the christian religion has done to me is hurt me? #like arguments here and there that were birthed by christianity that directly harm my existence #I've been told by my own father that christianity calls all queer people abominations of life that's it not fucking natural #I've been told by priests that i should behave a certain way otherwise it would be my ruination #all my fucking life christianity has been used to make me submit to this ideal woman i should be #and it's made me hate it so fucking deeply #like deep down i am still catholic I've left behind what the church preaches and internalized what believing in god is for me #but i do not want to know what the christian church be that whatever christian church wants to say #i don't have to enjoy the fact that my friend goes to practice her faith at a place that wants be dead should i? #am i just projecting my anger? my hurt? #i feel angry when she tells me what she did at church and then i feel. guilty bc why am i like that #but then i try to convince myself that it's okay that it's valid for me to feel mad bc of how much pain the church has cost me #but I'm still so unsure idk how to feel and it upsets me when i feel things that i shouldn't when i should be happy for her #i wish i could talk to anyone about this ngl

[pizzapizzadickz]

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#okay. i can handle this: #...i just really wish it wasnt so hard to do everything for me. like. ive spent years of my childhood molding myself for the sake of others #and what for? now that im an adult im just trying to completely remove the trauma i experienced as a kid. #and i just look back on all these things that hurt me and think #idk. theres not much to be done. in a way its a relief being able to pinpoint #diary #personal #i was gonna say i wish my mood was more stable but thats not quite right. #i guess i moreso wished i was a bit more resiliant. i wish that not every little thing hurt #or just. i wish i could handle the stressors of life a bit more easily. but i cant. #idk. its been a really rough week to be entirely honest. and then i just have little moments like these #where things sorta feel like they just fall into place. where i feel like i was just a kid. i didnt really understandokay im acting like thi #but really in the end it doesnt stop it for me? everything still hurts so much. #and its still hard to know all the things i need to deal with and do. #and honesty i know i cant handle the stresses that come with adult life. i cant even support myself really #i fully depend on my parents for any and all basic necessities. #i can pay for my health insurance yeah. but thats about it? #i could potentially pay for my phone and maybe other basic necessities. but in practice i cant. #the process of setting these things up is damn near impossible for me. #honestly. i think that while i enjoy the internet and such sometimes this is the worst time for me to exist #bc i just. am constantly stressed with so many things bc of it. and theres not much to be done really. #...i hope i can book an appointment with my therapist sooner than later. #at least i have a bunch of stuff i can do to keep myself busy ig... #but really. thats the problem. theres too much to do and its far too stressful. #well. at least ill be able to play with some things ig. idk. i have a new planner im excited about. #i like planning. i miss studying. i hate working. im tired of only having the options of working out or being in pain. #im just so tired of it all. #that appointment i had with the specialist sorta really made me realize. oh shit. this is my life now and im fucked. #like. i can take anti-inflammatories. but thats it really. my life is just gonna constantly be like this. and im tired. #idk. im gonna go finish my latte.

[kindacreepy-kindaugly]

fucking hate the way 9 outta 10 times when I get drunk I end up sobbing my eyes out cause he doesn't want me anymore

#i should be happy! #that means he leaves me alone!! #but no. i still just. base all my self worth on whether he still has a use for me n how much enjoyment he gets outta that use #sometimes he could make me feel like the most beautiful desirable fuckable thing to ever exist #not often though. usually it's just 'a bag of flesh with some mildly entertaining holes' #more interested in the specific bodily reactions he can force out of me than whether i want or like any of it #(i don't cause it just fucking hurts even though it's probably not supposed to idk this body is broken) #so why the fuck is he the only one who can get me off. even if i'm just doin it myself if i don't think abt him it doesn't happen #while i can't even do the same for him. not the way doll does. #fucking hate it #spdrvent #hangover rambles rly i am also pretty sedated rn