#i dont know whats wrong w me tbh

[1980ssunflower]

sigh :-c

#vent #im back in my lonely arc tbh #i dont know whats wrong w me tbh #it feels like im just. broken. i dont know why i cant experience feelings the way i want to #...at least i have my min & ryan #i cant lose them ever i just cant i cant lose them #because if i ever did. i dont know how id live #theyre the only thing that keeps me going the only true happiness i have #but i just feel... lonely just in general too... i dont have many people who talk to me tbh #i wish things would start working out for me and things can make sense #i want to be happy #i wish... i could just go home to my min & ryan... i know if i could i could be as happy as i possibly could be #and if i were to be sad abt something then my min & ryan would comfort me abt it #theyd know exactly what to say to me to make me feel better and will take me out for a fun day #i want that so badly

[piplupod]

honestly i wish i didnt know as much as i do about occultism and spirituality because it is so fucking frustrating to see ppl talk about it and they very obviously do not have the knowledge that i have. like i am so open to being wrong, but i see things that ppl are saying and i'm fairly certain that they just ... do not have the depth of knowledge i do, so they say very ignorant things, or draw lines between things in an incredibly (potentially dangerously) overgeneralized way. and i am just sitting here like "oh you have no clue what you are saying right now, do you? you do not realize what you are saying is unfortunately pretty damn wrong." and i have to back away from the screen bc i do not discuss these things anymore due to the brain being constantly ready to dropkick me straight into a mental health crisis

but christ alive i think anyone who engages with spirituality needs to read up on like. essentially Everything they can get their hands on, even if they do not necessarily agree with the ideas being presented, because that way !! you learn !! and you grow to realize what things are borne out of racism and grossly mystifying other cultures and straight up white supremacy and nazi ideology and encouraging psychotic symptoms that lead to mental health crises !!!

#i hate new age spirituality so much. soooo much. 90% of it is just racism repackaged with a pretty bow on top #and nobody realizes bc they do not know what the fuck they are engaging with :))) what the roots of it all actually is !!! #and i do not necessarily blame them but i am so .... its tiring. and disconcerting. and scary. to see all of it being paraded around #esp when ppl accuse you of being ignorant or cruel for criticising smth that is so fucking dangerous or racist hsdgjkl ARGH ARGH ARGH #just bc they themselves do not realize !! it is dangerous and/or racist!! and they assume you must be wrong to criticise them!!! #sorry im just hgdsgjkl. this drives me crazy. i also hope i dont sound egotistical or high-n-mighty #but i do genuinely know i have more knowledge than the average bear (not difficult to though tbh! u just have to read a lot!!) #because i was so fucking fixated on it and went delving into so many books and pdfs and websites and did my own stuff on my own time #for several years #i was DEEP in this stuff (and boy howdy my mental health suffered for it lmfao me when i lose touch w reality almost entirely !!) #AND OBVIOUSLY. not everyone is going to have the same exps i did when they do spirituality stuff #but . it is very common esp these days. there is a whole label for it lol #ALRIGHT IM DONE RANTING NOW. im going to log off from everything for a good long while today to try to reset my nervous system lmfao #sorry for the public yelling and wailing fsdfjkl #pippen needs 2nd breakfast

[truckstoptigers]

anybody else feel like their father deserves the electric chair

#thinking again #i cant get over the fact that he started molesting me when i was four #he had it all planned out in his head... i was five the first time i was raped. six when he started trafficking me #he had a game plan for this shit. i dont know how else it would be perfect 1-year increments #i was just a little girl #thats what kills me the most. i was so little. i look at pictures of myself from that time and i am so small. #and i look like im afraid of everybody. afraid of cameras. i dont know. #its just. i wish that just one person had realized something was very wrong there. it wouldve only taken one person. #but i was too afraid of him to tell so would it have really done anything? #i try not to think about it too often because i cant change it & wishing i could doesnt do anything but. it still hurts i guess #even if i dont blame my moms side of the family for not realizing either #milo murmurs #csa vent #the fact that i was four when it started and 12 when i got out also fucks w me a lot tbh #that felt like the longest period of my life. it WAS my life for nine years straight #thats. almost a decade of abuse. and thats so hard for me to comprehend even though i lived it

[butchyena]

ik that last post was a joke but its mindboggling to me how many ppl have told me they “fell in love” with me when we’d never had many if any conversations. and when id ask why because thats a batshit thing to tell anyone online theyd be like “idk just. your tumblr” like holy shit. esp when i was a minor for the majority of the times that happened. obviously now i know those people had Other Intentions but its happened since becoming an adult and its just. insane every time.

#the mere insinuation you can ‘’know’’ someone because of their online presence is insane #you dont know shit about someone’s personality by following their fucking tumblr #true for the opposite tbh #when people are like ‘’i always knew there was something wrong w you…… your blog….. gave me vibes…….’’ #unless those vibes were them posting CP or white supremacy shit or blatant bogotrt of another flavor. what the FUCK are you talking about !!

[gawayne]

ughh SORRY BUT I HAVE TO SAY IT the people you meet in engineering are just by and large so unpleasant I hate it here

#DONT get me wrong there are at least three very cool eng students here #but fuckign. come on we have to admit it. the structure of the program makes you worse and more annoying #out of stress out of competitiveness whatever #yknow what I’ve never heard in english class or art club? earnest discussions of crypto #elon musk fangirling #clique-forming based on whether you have a fucking pilot’s license #using gay as an insult like it’s 2014 #physical assault #etc #christ be normal for a bit!! talk about something that doesn’t make me wanna kill myself! #tbh think the issue might be that smart mean rich kids either go into mech/elec or medicine #and there’s nowhere else in the country for aero freaks to go so they all end up here. revving their audis at 10pm and cutting off busses #no joke every few months I’m like huh I should try to make friends in this program. and I go to a social event or talk to someone or w/e #and then I remember that they are not fun to hang out with because I don’t invest or like cars or want a plane or drink #and I am not willing to sit thru that discussion until someone brings up something more interesting. usually there isn’t anything #see our capstone group works bc it’s full of adhd bitches. today we talked about eggs for an hour #ughhhhh. genuinely I think it’s weird how many ppl don’t have hobbies beyond gaming drinking and investing and I fundamentally can’t get #along with them and that’s why all the cool engineers are found in art club #or maybe I’m just insane and annoying who knows

[narrativedoomed]

I'll be honest w y'all i do not intend on catching up w yj any time soon

#i think the finale aired? i saw a tweet ab the finale #but i just. do not care i must admit #i was so excited ab this season this show was a comfort show but the aspects of the fandom ive seen lately just. not good don't vibe #i think a Lot of the s1 and waiting experience for me was fandom based so this show is very fandom oriented for me #and knowing that everyone ive seen talk ab the show on twitter is violently hating the main character that draws me to the show is. mhm #like dont get me wrong i like the girls too!! theyre all mostly pretty likable for me its just. #im at a. specific point in my transition rn where im more drawn to male characters just bc of like. where im at idk #i dont feel like i have to explain it tbh but i also do bc i have seen fans of this show get attacked for far less #but going into s2 ben was my #my main interest i guess the main focus for me and maybe that's stupid but its what it is #and so everything just being the entire fandom hating him is just. not making me wanna watch at all #like im not gonna speak on if they're justified in hating him or not bc i have no idea i havent seen it and its truly not the point #like theyre valid for hating him and im not tryna talk shit on them for it it just kinda has been so loud that im not having fun anymore #idk. idk where this is going or what the solution is like i love this show but genuinely #can not bring myself to watch bc i will not enjoy the moments my favorite character is on screen bc i will Know people r loudly anti him #so im just kinda staying away i guess #idk. i kinda want them to. kill him off so i dont have to deal w it anymore #but i also know that when they kill him off people will be loudly celebrating and maybe thats worse #idk. i think the only way for me to win here is to change how i feel ab ben and not care ab him and join the hate train but i don't want to

[rexscanonwife]

I think it's funny that a few days ago I was listening to a lot of punk music and today I'm in more of a folk mood.

#jane journals #the duality of man #im feeling a bit better btw!! #well enough to go to work i suppose 😮‍💨😮‍💨😮‍💨 #but ill be here daydreaming about...star war 🥺 #im so sorry i nevee shut up about it i dont know whats wrong with me #but something is very #it makes me insane and love these fictional dudes with laser swords too much #and I WAS FUCKING GETTING REALLY SOFT OVER SOME FIC WIPS LAST NIGHT W REX #and started a new one cause i dont learn 👉👈 #tbh lowkey that might be why im in such a folk mood #cause after order 66 me n rex take off and settle down on endor to start raising our family #its just a peaceful simple life for a while in the woods 🥺 idk i just get such a vibe #anywaysss #💙 oh captain my captain 💙

[thursdayg1rl]

nearly fainted today..

#literally dont know whats wrong w me at this point n dont want to go to the doctors again. tbh #maybe I just didnt drink enough water that s possible tbh #also only had a yoghurt the whole day so probably that

[kore-jelani]

It's a bit concerning how easily i can get over someone i love deeply

#tbh i dont know whats wrong w me #feelings #crush

[1980ssunflower]

There is something so indescribably special about my loves...

#ot3: ❤rhyme💛easy💙 #tape entry circa 1980 #i dont think there could ever be someone in this world who could ever match up to them for me #or even get close to being to me what they are #i love people easily but what i feel for my min & ryan is beyond anything i thought existed #looking at them i feel ive known them my whole life... like theyve been walking beside me all these years #i know them more deeply than i feel ive ever known anyone... #and ik they know more abt me than even myself #like... how could another person ever come close to being this to me?? #besides the fact i share practically everything in common w them both #the way i felt abt them from the beginning. it was fate. and that cant be replicated #gwah i realized i didnt finish writing this #i just hope you guys realize just how important they both are to me... #everything abt them is so real to me and theyre my genuine loves of my life #i will ALWAYS think of them as my husbands #im so so... deeply protective of them both... #tbh even seeing MOST other peoples art and anything abt them both bothers me cause most of the time i feel people dont... portray them righ #or it just feels WRONG #thats why i tend to stay in my own bubble w them #idk god... theyre just so important to me... theyre my world... theyre the meaning of my life... #i miss them sm i want to bury my face in their chests i need to feel them hold me rn #i love them i love them i LOVE THEM #I COULDNT POSSIBLY EVER LOVE ANYTHING MORE... #oh my babies... i miss you both so much...

[piplupod]

mother: "theres this great job where you'd be on-call to come in!"

me: "ahhh i don't really want to be on-call, that would stress me out a lot because I'd always be on edge,,"

mother: "no you wouldn't, you could make it your thing!"

me: "...my thing?"

mother: "being on call! it'd be great! :)"

me: "i would probably be crying like... a lot ahaha. because I would always be on edge never knowing when to expect having to go into work, yknow?"

mother: "nooo, you could just make it a thing!"

me: "sorry, what do you mean by thing?"

AND I NEVER FOUND OUT !!

#i feel very ill fdsjkl tonight was ... not good #not the worst definitely not the worst #just. a lot of diet talk and making fun of other ppl that she expected us to all laugh at (and we did. idk if they found it funny.) #and brother labelling some influencer having rape charges against him just ''internet drama'' #number one: i dont want to hear about that. number two: that is not just ''drama'' that is like. serious. what the fuck is wrong w youuuu #my mother will say that all the food i eat is very bad for me and do that while knowing full well i struggle to eat Anything #and say that simply Adding things to the diet is pointless bc ur poisoning urself still! u have to Take Out things! i cant fucking do that! #im still baffled that two years ago when i tried to go to them for help when i was almost fainting from not eating they just shrugged at me #''okay? why are u telling us this?'' BECAUSE YOU ARE MY PARENTS. AND I AM TRYING TO GET HELP. #i should've known better than to try tbh but like. its so hard to completely let go of every sliver of hope that they'll... be kind #like me saying i was feeling suicidal a few yrs ago just garnered a ''oh don't start this again. we're not doing this again.'' #and me admitting my own damn self to the psych ward just had her telling me ''i dont think you actually needed to go :/'' #mother dearest if it werent for the other fuckers in the brain (caused by you abusing me) then i would've been dead several times over #i am so fucking tired i am so sick of these ppl it is so incredibly painful and terrifying that this is supposed to be my family #this is the one support system i get in life. and it is no support system at all. i am fucked !! i am so unbelievably fucked!!! #i know other ppl make it thru but they are much stronger than me. i am lacking something that they all have lmao. i am cowardly and weak!!! #i have been trying so fucking hard to figure out how to like. make this work. how to survive in this society and its just. impossible #i think we're back to the clock ticking down as my bank account runs out #i cannot be employed and ppl keep telling me disability won't accept me so i am just. unanimously fucked over i suppose #i have two years !! two years until i run out of money!!! thats a lot of time!! to make all the art i want to make!! #i will make this work for these two years i will cope and make my art and disconnect and daydream through the intolerable parts #i will make these two years so good sdfjkl im gonna make it to the end of them #sorry this is all coming flooding out fsjdkl i've just tried so hard to be like. positive abt things and laugh abt things and be okay #im tired of trying to make it okay fdsjkl i am wallowing tonight i guess. boohoo poor little me fdsjkl i'll probably get over it soon #just need to like. let a little of the pressure leak out so i don't completely crack and do smth stupid #it will be okay !!! or as okay as it can be !!! this will be blocked out by tomorrow morning probably!! #or it'll have to be LMAO i have my silly old lady yarn group tomorrow and i need to be Normal for that #suicide tw #abuse tw #ed tw

[inmirova]

cannot wait to show up to work tomorrow and like lose my mind if anyone asks me how my two days off were. fuck all the other reasons, I should be able to get my mood stabilizers represcribed without finding a new psychiatrist for the sake of literally every single person I'm going to encounter tomorrow

#me on two days no sleep and corticosteroids and in massive debt: if anyone says a drink i made is wrong ill kill them dead #not if i genuinely made a mistake but like not for nothing i very rarely do that people just dont know what theyre ordering #so i will be biting heads off. #like idec if youre like oh this doesnt taste right but youre nice about it but they almost never are and i wont be nice back #theyre like I WANT THIS MADE RIGHT THIS DRINK I ORDERED WITH NO ICE EXTRA MILK IS MILKYYYYYYYY #like oh my god fine ill remake it (now entirely decaf) with an extra shot since you refuse to pay for more at the register #and tbh if you were just like 'hey so sorry to bother you but this doesnt taste as strong as usual' #id probably pull an extra (actually caffeinated if you ordered it that way) shot for you and put it in your drink for free #and just be like 'just so you know x shots is standard but w the extra milk you might want to order 1-3 extra in it to compensate next time' #because fuck if ill suffer a repeat offender we have one dude who orders his drink wrong every day & hes so nice but i refuse to make it #i see his sticker and im like hey can someone come help and make this #bc he'll pull you off your bar for like 5-10 minutes minimum. we have a lady who does that too but she doesnt come in as often #her record is 45 minutes before i had to intervene and pull the barista out of there and be like 'sorry i need them to do their training!' #i wouldve stopped that convo earlier but i was doing stuff in the back of house and didnt know

[sotogalmo]

I think I should really make a sona for myself,, or smth close to a sona,,

A character with animal ears(dog ears, fox ears, etc), some animal looks n stuff. A weird outfit, or just what I normally wear now(a shirt that can cover my legs a bit, and just underwear; it's nice)

Also kinda thinking of making an Undertale OC, or at least a version of Sans(easy character to draw at this point, and c'mon he has many versions,, why not add more??)

#audrey/kellie talks #undertale sans #sans is actually just mentioned tho souh #undertale oc(maybe;; if i do plan on making one) #audrey/kellie's ideas #audrey/kellie's sona #ish;; i dont have my sona drawn out yet #dunno what i should draw tbh!! #so uh- give me some ideas if ig;; but do know i may actually never do them unless im somewhere else and i can draw to distract myself n shit #ikik horrible #but meh ig??? i dunno feelings weird may have alexmyicia(?) #*alexithymia #that thing #where ya cant tell bout ur feelings?? yeah #looks like i do have some shit wrong w me ?? nah tbh #i actually dooonn't *in Rise Leo's voice* #yea yea #anyways im done clogging up the tags!

[snekdood]

ppl follow black creators expecting them to give them the perfect correct takes on black issues and then sees their favorite black creators disagreeing and go BWWUUUHHH?? as if they didn’t realize they’re all individual ppl with different experiences and viewpoints ._.

#'w-'well all of these black creators i follow dont agree on this issue!!!' #'how am i supposed to know whats the correctes most goodest take now????' #idk maybe follow ppl for their content and bc you like them for who they are instead of leeching off of other ppls viewpoints #so you never have to have a critical thought or original opinion in your fuckin life #what are you so scared of? being wrong sometimes? grow up and face ppl when you're wrong. #sometimes theres shit you can only learn about by being wrong. you have to be open to the idea that you aren't always going to know #The Correct Take #and sometimes the only way to know that is to be wrong in an actual conversation and be corrected. #not sit there and pray your favorite creators make a video about it 🙄 #generally: the correct take is whatever does the least harm and benefits everyone as much as possible. #at least thats imo #stop following x minority to get x takes about their specific x issues #and maybe follow them for more than whatever they can tell you about how they feel about being x minority and all things surrounding that #like DO YOU EVEN KNOW THEIR FAVORITE TV SHOW? DO YOU EVEN KNOW ANY OF THEIR OPINIONS OUTSIDE OF THE ONES #THEY HAVE ON THEIR MINORITY STATUS? jfc #it just seems kinda dehumanizing. #id hate if someone was following me JUST to hear my atkes on trans shit. like tell me you dont care about me as a person w/o saying it lol #the reason i bring up black creators specifically is bc i feel like it happens more to them and it looks specificvally worse #as someone on the outside- ik i cant speak for them all- but how it looks to me is people treat balck creators (and poc creators in general #tbh) way less personabley and way more distant and professional with them. as if they're only there for the info and then just to leave #its weird #you dont wanna stick around and get to know them at all..? in any capacity.....? #idk

[toastsnaffler]

man. getting a little sick of being everyones 15th option for everything. when is it my turn to be someone's first choice :^[

#or even second tbh I'll take it #i had a couple old friends from college msg me recently to tell me what theyve been up to #which is sweet and i care abt them n wanna hear it! but they dont ask after me or show any interest in how I'm doing #and it makes me feel like I'm just their journal or smth. a brick wall they happen to be standing near #don't get me wrong I love to be useful. but when ppl only ever interact w u bc they need smth from u. well. #rly not doing anything good for this complex im developing where my self worth is directly tied to my usefulness to other ppl lmfao #i dont want to be ppls fucking dog!! or not any more than i already am but whatever thats all im good for i guess!! #and i desperately want someone to be my fave person rn bc all my energy is going nowhere + im at my best when im at my most devoted #so ppl treating me like this rn is just making me incredibly vulnerable to being taken advantage of. #like yeah i am eager to please and ill follow anyone around and do whatever for a crumb of attention but maybe #if you're actually my friend u shouldnt be encouraging that behaviour. even if it makes u feel good like cmon thats not so cool man #or if you ARE going to encourage it then maybe u should acknowledge the power dynamic ur creating + try not to abuse it. idk 🤷‍♂️ #urgh idk maybe im just saying words rn im very tired #I just feel like all the friendships etc I have atm are slipping into that dangerously unbalanced zone + becoming v one way #and I don't know what I'm doing wrong I'm trying the best I can and I guess its just not enough for anyone and that really really sucks #I'm doing better mentally rn but I dont currently have a support system + there are a lot of destabilising forces in my life #so im just. worried abt the direction things could take if I lose this foothold I've dragged myself onto yknow. #and I wouldnt have to be so worried abt that all of the time if I just had someone literally anyone I could rely on or even trust #but oh well. it is what it is. doing all I can to take care of myself so hopefully it won't come to that anyway. #sorry for rambling on so much if u read this far I'm giving u a kiss on the cheek don't worry abt me honey I've got this #anywayy goodnight #.vent #.diaries

[yawn-emoji]

#confiding in friends is good and helpful and healing until it becomes burdensome when u r in situations where nobody can give u advice #or comfort and all they can tell u are things u already know urself so u feel like a burden sharing things and stressing ppl out #by having them worry abt u w out being able to do anything abt it or offer u actual comfort in any way… :( #dont get me wrong im incredibly grateful for my friends but like if my dad is actively dying from cancer as we speak there is nothing u can #possibly say to help so all i do by sharing is make ppl feel pressured to comfort me even though there is no comfort to be given at all #ik u love me and ik i deserve a break from the difficult things life has been throwing at me for the last yr. ik those things already #and it almost hurts to hear them said again because like. ik those things are true and i wish they brought me comfort but they dont. nothing #brings me comfort. nothing at all #i feel like these feelings resurface every couple months and i start isolating myself from my friends whenever this happens because i feel #so like. burdensome but also unable to accept words of comfort or sympathize w anything that anyone else is going thru. i stop liking #conversing w my friends and i just feel too drained to talk to anyone because all that is on my mind is death #i had to delete a bunch of social media + messaging apps from my phone / mute conversations + turn dnd on constantly because i just. i just. #i literally just cant and i wish i could and i dont feel guilty for needing to take this space because i am familiar w this being one of my #needs and also ik i am going thru something insanely traumatic atm and like nobody can judge me or make me feel guilty for what my needs are #at the moment. i used to feel guilty abt this but tbh i dont even have the energy anymore. this is just how i am #like i dont even have the ability to explain to people what the situation is or how dire it is. my sister and i are sure that this is it #but even if this isnt it it will only be a matter of time. he hasnt responded well to a single treatment and we have exhausted everything #so now its just a waiting game. if it doesnt happen in a few months it will just happen a few months after that. there is no battle to even #fight anymore. this is just it #fuck. oh my god #there was more i wanted to say but i started thinking abt it and i feel like im going to have a panic attack so never mind. ummm #okay… anyways! #woozi eating lettuce dot gif #journal