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yoon-kooks · 2 years

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monday morning | pjm

Pairing: Jimin x Reader

Genre: Fluff, FuckBoy!AU, fwb!AU

Summary: Jimin only calls you on the weekend, so what business does he have with meeting you on a random Monday morning in February?

Word Count: 2k

Warnings: Jimin & the reader both possess immense chaotic energy, brief mentions of sex

A/N: heres a fun valentines day fic inspired by "The Weekend" by 88rising/BIBI !

You’ve been staring at your phone for quite some time now. Your laptop screen went to sleep 30 minutes ago, and all the ice in your coconut latte has melted, but you keep sipping that water-flavored coffee anyway because you have a much larger issue at hand. And you don’t know how to address it.

PJM [9:31AM] “You free right now?”

You’ve experienced a lot of strange things in your life: You once came face to face with a shark and lived to tell the tale, you found $200 worth of gold baked into a snickerdoodle, and you swear you saw an alien chilling in the cornfields once. But this? Park Jimin, the smuggest fuck boy you know, asking about your availability on a day that doesn’t start with an F or S? Unheard of. Stranger things have not happened. You should probably report it to NASA or National Geographic (or whoever is in charge of the supernatural shit).

It’s a Monday morning for crying out loud. Doesn’t he have other things to do, or other people to fuck? You specifically set your weekends aside to indulge in quite possibly the best sex you’ll ever get with a boy who is most definitely the hottest thing you’ve ever laid eyes on. That allows you to get a lot of shit done on weekdays without any distractions. But all of that goes straight to hell if Jimin’s asking to fuck you on a Monday morning.

You don’t have to say yes. You always have a choice in this. But you don’t always have self-control.

Y/N🍑[10:48AM] “your place or mine?”

Now you wait. Because as one might expect, Park Jimin always waits a minimum of 20 minutes before responding to your messages.

A few seconds later, your phone buzzes.

PJM [10:48AM] “Actually I wanted to try this new coffee place.”

PJM [10:49AM] “Wanna come?”

A coffee shop? You’ve had sex with Jimin in a lot of interesting places like the ocean (where you had that fateful encounter with your shark friend) and in the garden behind the math building on campus, but coffee shop would be a new one.

Y/N🍑[10:50AM] “no thanks i dont think im bold enough to fuck in a coffee shop”

PJM [10:51AM] “👁️👄👁️”

PJM [10:51AM] “What”

PJM [10:51AM] “No”

PJM [10:52AM] “You and I both know you’d get us kicked out for being too loud.”

PJM [10:53AM] “I meant we should drink some actual coffee there👉👈”

Y/N🍑[10:53AM] “why would we do that lol”

You grin like an idiot at your phone screen. This guy thinks he has jokes. Is it April Fool’s Day or something? Because that might explain why Park Jimin is acting so weird. You sip down the last of your coffee water, amazed you were too distracted by the Jimin situation to care about how awful your diluted latte was. Maybe you could use another coffee.

So you decide to play along.

Y/N🍑[10:54AM] “ok i change my mind”

Y/N🍑[10:54AM] “where is this new coffee place that you speak of?”

PJM [10:54AM] “It’s Barista Beach. The one by the ocean with that shark lol.”

You examine your empty latte cup and—wouldn’t you know it—the words “Barista Beach” are printed across the plastic in bold text. That’s funny.

Y/N🍑[10:55AM] “it’s a date💖”

PJM [10:56AM] “Need a ride?”

Y/N🍑[10:56AM] “nah ill just meet you there since im already in the area.”

After stretching out your arms, you get up from your table and throw your cup away.

“How was your drink?” one of the baristas asks from behind the counter.

“Oh, it was great,” you lie. It’s not the barista’s fault that Jimin’s odd behavior hindered your ability to consume your drink before all the ice melted. “By the way, if a guy invites me to grab coffee with him on a Monday morning, should I be concerned?”

The barista gives you a puzzled look. “I… don’t really see a problem with that.”

You do a quick scan of the shop to make sure Jimin hasn’t arrived yet. When the coast is clear, you lean on the counter as if you’re doing shady business with this poor man who’s just trying to do his job.

“Okay, but he and I aren’t really like that, you know? He’s the kind of guy who spends the weekend on top of you, disappears throughout the week, and then shows up again Friday night. You know what I mean, right?”

“Ah, so like a fuck boy situation,” the barista nods. He gets you.

“Exactly. And now he suddenly wants to meet me here on a Monday morning? For coffee?” It sounds even more ridiculous when you say it aloud. You didn’t even know Jimin liked coffee. He doesn’t really talk about his food & drink preferences while he’s got his tongue shoved down your throat and his hands all over your skin.

“Maybe he’s actually into you…?” This man doesn’t know what he’s talking about anymore. He doesn’t know the Park Jimin you know. The one who has no reason or obligation to care about your whereabouts outside of what happens on the weekend.

“I highly doubt it,” you say. And it’s best not to think of that as a possibility. After all, you spent months convincing yourself it would never happen between you and him. “It’s more likely that he has a fear of baristas and needs someone like me to order for him.”

“Sounds about right. You have nothing to worry about then.” The barista gives you a polite smile before excusing himself to get back to work. He’s just lying to your face to make you feel better, just as you did when you praised his latte. It looks like you’ve made a new friend today.

You wait back at your table for what feels like hours (it was under 10 minutes). As soon as you get a whiff of what your weekends smell like—an island paradise of endless sex on the beach—you know Jimin has arrived.

“Were you waiting long?” His voice sounds a lot more tamed than you’re used to. It’s not that low, breathy tone that your body reacts to on pure instinct. He stares at the way you’re slumped over your blank laptop screen. “Wait, were you in the middle of something?”

Yes, you were actually in the middle of an internal crisis, trying to decipher the meaning behind this Monday morning mystery. Thank you for asking, Park Jimin. You shake your head, “It’s a good time for a coffee break.”

“This is the place you said you wanted to try one time, right?” He pulls you gently from your seat and into the line forming at the register. The physical contact catches you off guard in such a public setting, but it’s still the same hand that cups your chin during intense make-out sessions, the same hand that knows how to pleasure your body better than you do, and the same hand that holds onto you for just a moment longer after it’s all said and done.

“Weren’t you the one who wanted to try it, Jimin?” You can’t recall mentioning this place to Jimin. Then again, a lot of random shit tends to come out of your mouth. But you wouldn’t expect him to remember or care about any of that.

“You said you wanted to try their coconut latte because they crack the coconuts open themselves, remember?” Jimin says. “It’s really on-brand for someone who’s into all these tropical things.”

Now that he mentions it, you do remember that conversation, and you do have a natural tendency to gravitate toward tropical flavors and scents.

When the two of you get up to the register, your new barista friend looks at you, then at Jimin, and then back at you. There are a lot of different things the barista could say to add to this whole debacle, but here are his exact words: “What can I get for you today?”

You knew you could trust your barista friend.

“Two iced coconut lattes, please.” Jimin inserts his card into the reader before you even have time to process the fact that he does not have a fear of baristas. The barista still hasn’t said anything outside of the realms of customer-service mode, so you give the good man an extra large tip. He deserves it.

When your drinks are ready at the counter, you run up there and thank the barista again for his service. As you hand one of the lattes to Jimin, the barista says something you hope he regrets. “Happy Valentine’s Day, you two.”

You and Jimin both turn to the barista at the same time and say, “It’s Valentine’s Day?”

“Yeah.” The barista has a straight face like he’s finally tired of your shit. He must think the two of you share the same brain cell.

As soon as you get back to your seat, you sip your drink down to the halfway point. You forgot how good a latte could taste when it isn’t watered down by melted ice. “You didn’t know it was Valentine’s Day either?” you ask Jimin.

“You know me. I don’t really keep up with stuff like that,” he shrugs. What you know is that Jimin isn’t a super romantic person, and neither are you.

“You know what day is more romantic than Valentine’s Day, Jimin?”

“Wednesday?” Because that’s hump day.

“Wrong. National No Bra Day, which happens to fall on your birthday,” you giggle at your fun fact.

“Wait, is that a real thing?” Jimin does a quick search on his phone and puts it down in defeat. “Motherfucker.”

“That’s a day I can actually look forward to, unlike Valentine’s Day.” After all, you’re single as fuck.

“You’re funny, Y/N.” Jimin gives you the eyesmile that has never once failed to charm you since the day you first met him. “You forgot all about Valentine’s Day, and yet you can remember the fact that I was born on National No Bra Day.”

“Of course,” you nod. Jimin’s birthday has always been a date that’s stuck in your brain, and you’re not sure why. “And you somehow remembered that I wanted to come here even though I’d completely forgotten about it myself.”

“It’s hard to forget the things you say and do.” His gentle voice is something you can get used to hearing more of. “Your weird little ramblings about aliens and National Geographic haunt me throughout the week, you know.”

“Good. That’s the intended effect,” you say. No. You had no idea that the thought of you stuck with him beyond the weekend. You didn’t think it was possible to infiltrate the heart of a fuck boy. “Is that what possessed you to invite me to get coffee with you on a Monday?”

“It doesn’t matter if it’s a Monday, Valentine’s Day, a weekend, or a weekday.” Jimin’s eyes are warm and sincere. You never noticed how much they glow when he looks at you. “Every day, I find myself thinking about another weekend with you.”

“And today you decided you didn’t want to wait anymore?” You can’t leave today without knowing.

Jimin nods with a chuckle. “I know it shouldn’t be a big deal, but I was legit stressing myself out over the fact that we’ve never met up on a goddamn Monday.”

“Yeah, I was about to report your ass to NASA,” you admit. “And you can ask the barista over there about my state of mind before you got here.”

Jimin looks over to the barista who totally wasn’t listening in on your whole conversation. The barista mouths, “It was bad.” You give him a pout in response to his brutal honesty.

“You’re ridiculous, Y/N.” Jimin pinches your cheek. “But thank you for meeting me here today.”

“Anytime.” Your pout curves into a smile. “Let’s not limit ourselves to the weekends.”

#bts scenarios #bts fanfic #bts imagines #bts fluff #jimin fanfic #jimin x reader #bts fuckboy au #bts fwb au #bts #jimin

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tmntl0verthings · 7 years

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Forbidden Love

So this is something new i thought of. Don't judge its just a Fun idea for a fanfic. please just enjoy :D

What would you say if you actually met your true love but You were taken by someone you already loved and He the same?

So after you helped April deliver a couch to a back alley Thanks to casey being a lazy ass. "Okay..now that we're in an alley. Now what. I mean..its a brand new couch in a dingy alley." "hang on.." she put her finger up in the air shushing you as she was calling someone. You crossed your arms raising a brow. Then she started talking Lacking your interest in this whole thing. you looked away and turned your body to face the Long alley down to the City itself to see people passing and barging their way through the hustle and bustle. Then you turned around to see Men..3 Green shelled men. Your eyes widened to see a Red clad turtle lift up the couch from behind all on his own using his Gargantuan muscles to then look down on you with his shadow covering you. You backed away as you saw april talking to the purple and orange clad turtle. "where's leo?" she asked. "eh; He had some Leader thing to take care of." "mikey..He had to go start dinner. How is that a leader thing?" Don asked "I don't know. Everything he does is leadery." Mikey explained as don rolled his eyes as April showed a smile. "you know..Its not to late to be my Girl." he used his Casanova voice with a slant of his brows as he leaned on her shoulder. "knock it off" raphael demanded. "Fine fine.." Raphael had his head looking over his shoulder to then turned his whole body to lift up April onto his shoulder with the couch on the other. She smiled as he then kissed her lips. Your life swirled around you as your eyes Widened making your pupils dilate. "WHAT IS HAPPENING!!" you screamed. April looked over her shoulder "Oh your still here?" "YES! I am still here!" you gestured your whole body. "Who are these people! And What is happening..what what--" "its ok, its ok." Donnie tried to calm you down as he walked over to you. "Dont! Come..near me." you backed away. "Its ok. seriously. We aren't gonna hurt you. I'm Donnie. IF that makes you feel better." which oddly it did. You relaxed your shoulders a little as you then looked through his glasses to see his eyes. "And i'm Michelangelo. But the ladies call me Mikey." He winked at you as he was standing behind you. You exhaled as you blubbered your lips leaving your eyes wide then relaxing your eye lids. "wow..This is allot to take in..Then who's that?" you pointed over to raphael. "Thats raph." "raph.." you spoke quietly. "Come on. Its ok. Why don't you come with us. You did help us get a new couch." donnie offered as he held his arm out as a way of letting you go first. "Where are we going?" Donnie clicked a button making The garage door in the alley lifted up like a door with trashcans glued to it. Your eyes widened with Excitement "WOW Thats AWESOME!" "heh yo think thats awesome. You should see out crib." Mikey talked to you Literally the entire time you guys walked there.

~~You entered their home to see its was lit with Christmas Lights Even though it was no where near Christmas. It was actually June. you looked around their home to see what was just..wow. "THis is where you live! Its amazing!" "guyssss did you seriously bring someone down here?" leo complained. "Isn't she a cutie." Mikey told his brother as he hugged you under his one arm. Leo crossed his arms as his eyes looked from his brother to you As you looked at him. his eyes were beyond blue. Incredibly blue. You then looked to your right to see the red clad man Carry the couch Right by you Like a titanic as he then set it down 15 feet away from where you were. You watched him as he intrigued you more so than the others. Was it because he Intimated you when you first saw him? Was it the curiousity on April's relations with him? It wasn't easy to tell why. But you did. You were gonna walk over to him to then see April beat you to him to give him a kiss on his jaw as she stood on her tippy toes.

Later~!~

You were talking and laughing with all of them like you knew them for years. "okay okay its y/n's turn." "I still can't believe you got me to play this childish game." you laughed "awe come on and spin the bottle already." mikey whined "alright alright." You spun it as you saw it lean and wobble to one side more than the other as a hollow whistle filled the air. It slowed down passed Mikey, leo and crookedly landed on Raph. "ooooh :3" mikey oohed. raph growled at Mikey "shad up." he barked. "alright now you gotta kiss him." "I dunno. He's got a giffy and all." "Giffy?" "Girlfriend." "XD you'll be fine." leo laughed. "okaayyy." it was weirder cause april wasn't even around. You crawled over across the tile to raphael to then sit on your knees and pushed yourself up to his lips. This spark poked at his heart One time but it was enough for him to know This was what was missing. This thing.. ~ You released your lips from him as you strangely longed for him more. "Alriigghttt." mikey clapped. you smiled as you bit your bottom lip leaving him alone as you backed up. You all then watched a movie afterwards with Pizza. 5 pizzas if i must be specific. You had two slices. For some reason you appetite wasn't to strong today. Then after that there was another movie to then Make 3 of the brothers go to bed. You and raphael were the last up. You were bonding over scary movie 3. You two made fun and lil' parodies of it as well. It was 1:52 am. You watched the blue TV lighting bounce off their home as it was pitch black. "Not gonna lie it's weird being up while everyone else is sleeping." "tell me about it. I'm usually in bed before fearless is. I guess you could say I'm lazy." "naahhh its not lazy to love your bed." you teased with a laugh as you bit your lip after the laugh. He was realizing it was your thing when you laughed You would bite your lip sometimes. It was kinda cute. "So how did you and april meet?" you asked "She was following us after saving people from a heist and then it lead from there. She tried going out with casey but she didn't like him." "casey?" you questioned. "He's another dork on the team." he used his thumb to point behind him Like someone was actually there. "not gonna lie, He's a real wannabe." "Yo, I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want." you sang quietly "Hahaaha XD nice" Half an hour later you two laughed with and at each other. You two looked at each as you laughed like your stomachs would burst to stare at each others eyes. the TV at a blank Blue screen from the VHS that stopped running as Everyone was asleep. It was just you..and him. Alone. Together. You looked at each other as you looked down at his lips while he looked into your (Ocean eyes/Forest of colors/Pearl Embers/Caramel drops/Richest of chocolate eyes) His lips almost said something as he then looked away and didn't. You coughed into a fist "I-I have to go. its seriously late." you stood up off the couch and walked out of their home. He exhaled as he sunk into their New Cushioned couch. He looked at the ceiling as he felt the world spin around him. His arms spread out along the couches arch. Thinking about April...He thought about those good times he's had with her but there was always; Always something missing He could never place it. Even during the most intense Sexual moments. He couldn't feel that special feeling that was leaving a crack in his heart that would never fill. But when he was with you. His heart Overflowed with whatever it was..Something about you brought it out. You made him happier than ever before. And its such a sad thing to confess when you thought it was with someone else and it turns out..its not. What do i do? he asked himself as his eyes pleaded for an answer.

3 weeks later~~ you visited them for a few days during each week. You did have a life of your own to maintain but Seeing raphael every time was the best part. He would light up as he saw you walk into the room. It was the same for you. You two immediately clicked. And always had something to talk about.

You woke up with your sunBlinds Burning your eyes with sunlit rays of dust. "nnrrr." you groaned as you rubbed your eyes with your wrist to see you cat/Dog sleeping next to you. you smiled softly as you rubbed its head with your nails softly as it (Purred/Just let you rub their head it rolled around a little). You then looked up at the city from afar through your blinds to remember last night. "this is stupid." you spoke aloud annoyed. You got up out of bed to ignore your phone that has a Text on it saying "morning beautiful" from your boyfriend. You went into the bathroom and went potty. Cleaned yourself up. Got ready for work at Channel 6. You were an intern. More like Vernon's Intern. You yawned as you bit into a raw Bagel on your way out of your Apartment. Yea..You actually have your own apartment. Your parents pulled some strings with the landlord. Blah blah blah You had your every Day; Day but you just thought of Raphael all day. Like he was your boyfriend or crush. You exhaled as you left the building "hey y/n!" you heard called from behind you. You turned around to see april jogging after you "ey' whats up." "wanted to know if you wanted to come and see the guys with me today." You two started walking "I'm gonna stay home today. Feeling weird." "oh sick?" "meh not sure." you lied. "alright." She fasted walked ahead of you to go see raphael as fast as she could. You sighed as you took the rubber band around your wrist and let go of it hitting your raw skin. You flinched as This technique was not working. you've been doing it all day long with no success. "I hate this..." you spoke solemnly. "WHy must i have this when I already have someone. For real.. I mean come on." you thought to yourself. You missed the simpler days when no boys were in your life. You felt a chill on your back as you continued walking. ~~You arrived home as you placed the keys on the tray to see raphael in your apartment. "how..did you know i lived here." "I followed you." "well thats not creepy at all." "y/n..There's something i need to tell you. I've known you for so short of a time span But I feel something. Its wrong for me to come here and just pour out to you but With april..its happy and fun i guess but with you. Its something New! This new happiness. And its not that your a verity. I know verity; i know the difference. Your YOU and your something I need in my life. Please. If I dumped april would you be with me." You were stupefied with this. What could you say. let alone do? You wanted to say yes..but you have someone too. "I-I--" you started as you saw his eyes leading you in. "I don't know. I've..felt the same with you. This interesting; Loving; Fresh feeling. Its like the world got brighter. But...I have someone and you do too. I couldn't possibly.." "okay..I understand." He then climbed out the window to leave you standing there like Non of it happened. You were honestly regretting your decision..cause you wanted him. You wanted the whole thing to rewind so you could say yes. Yes raphael! i will be yours! I will give up everything..just to be with you.

6pm~~ you entered your room after a home cooked dinner you had cooking in the crock pot all day ready for you. You exhailed as you closed the door with your back closing the door. You closed your eyes as you slid down the door (with your hair brushing against it/With your hair Clumping up into a pile a'top your head). 'Its for the best.' you tried convincing yourself. You then stood up to take your top off and place it on the chair at your desk. You turned around from your bed to face the window but instead faced someones shell plate. You looked up with only your bra and Jeans on to see his green orbs look down at you. You backed away from your bed "whatcha doin.." you asked uncertain. "Whats so great about being a hero when you can't break the rules once in a while." Raphael stated as he then plastered you to the wall breaking down the walls between you two and denying he even had someone. But he wanted you instead. Only you. He wanted to know everything about you. What made you tick. What made you so..he couldn't explain it even in his own mind. Your eyes widened from his words "But-" your words were cut off by his kiss that moved along your lips. Your eyes relaxed and rolled to the back of your head as you allowed it. You didn't wanna fight it. You never did. You were just going along with what someone else might think of you But at this point. You didn't care. His breath hit your skin as did yours to him. You had this kind of passion. A passion that was unreachable to anyone else. It was mysterious, sensual and above all..a turn on. You Knew what this new feeling was and It was Not lust. It was the yearning for Raphael. To be one with him. "y/n.." he spoke his deep throat voice through the kiss.. "Ye?" you breathed "Will you be mine?" "Like marriage?" you asked as you pulled away and stood in front of him; cleavage and all "no XD no " "oh~ phew." "no i mean as my woman. No one else's." "What about april" you asked worried for her. "Don't worry. I'll take care of it. Don't need you to worry." you smiled as you then leaned up as he knelt down to kiss you some more. His chilled hands felt up your body from your showing Hips to your waist to your shoulders to your jaw. He loved every second of it. "So it that a yes?" he breathed "mhm." you answered. He smiled through the kiss as he then hugged you while he continued. He then pushed you against the wall gently as he started to kiss your neck then Your shoulder back up to your neck.

I know that we are upside down; So just hear me out. I know we are made to break so what i don't miiindddd

Are you gonna stay the night!🎶

He unzipped your pants and pulled them off of you as you then saw him do the same to his pair of jeans

Doesn't mean were bound for liiffeee 🎶

He pressed you into the comforters as he continued to kiss you

Oh a'wow a'wow Are you gonnnaaaa stay the Night He then had you completely naked as was he. The blanket covered the both of you up. Engulfing both of you. Are you gonna stay the night, Doesn't mean we're bound for life~! Your face filled with pleasure and somewhat pain from him being inside of you. He was bigger than most men. your face blushed as your eyes closed; teeth clinched. I am a fire; Gasoline; Come pour yourself all over me..

He held your body in his arms as he felt this new sexual; Generative; State of being. Nothing like april. Better. And He loved it. He felt like he found the one he wanted to be with forever. Even if Marriage wasn't in your cards. He didn't care. He wanted you..Forever.

Are you gonna stay the night?

You two relaxed in a full sized bed as his calves hung off the end of the bed while your were curled up next to him keeping your cold legs warm under the sheets n' blankets. His arm around your waist as his other arm propped his head up from the pillow. He looked over to you as his pupils dilated bigger like he couldn't get enough of you. He needed to see more of you. He then kissed your forehead and leaned his head against yours as he looked at the stick on Glow in the dark stars on the ceiling. "I do love you y/n." "mm..(you smiled (: ) I love you too.. Its incredible how shortly we've known each other for.." "I know.." he huffed a laugh at the end in astonishment. You closed your eyes as you laid on him. The end..

#TMNT #teenage mutant ninja turtles #Love #fluff #lemon #story #oneshot #raphael #x reader

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trendingnewsb · 7 years

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Why I aborted 2 very wanted pregnancies

April held several anniversaries for me. The anniversary of an unrealized due date, the anniversary of an ended pregnancy, the anniversary of my birth40 years ago this year. All three of these dates gave me pause to reflect on the choices Ive made.

Choice. The word feels big and comes up often lately. When faced with my strong-willed 3-and-a-half-year-old son, Ive learned to give him only two choices or else Id lose my mind. On a larger scale, Im considering leaving a career Ive pursued for over two decades and whether or not to add to our family. Such choices are par for the course as we grow and enter new phases in our lives.

But more significantly, Ive been thinking about the right to choose in the debate over abortion, which is not only threatened under the Trump administration, but also often misunderstood. The nuances that can go into making a choice to end a pregnancy are often unseen, unspoken, and never casual.

Unfortunately, my husband and I were faced with this choice. Twice. We terminated two very wanted pregnancies. To put it bluntly, Ive had two abortions.

And as our government tries to strip us of our reproductive rights, I am reminded how lucky I am to have the financial means and to live in a state where laws didnt prevent me from the choices I made. My abortions left me heartbroken, changed, and grief-strickenthat is indisputable. But everyone should be granted those choices. Those are choices Id still make today.

. . .

Itd be easy to peg me as your typical pro-choice advocate. I grew up in a liberal household. Feminism was at the core of my progressive private Los Angeles high school education. I went to a super hippie-dippy college where grades were for eggs, not people. But while I was taught to think critically about various perspectives, I was primarily surrounded by politically and socially like-minded individuals. To be honest, I never questioned whether I was pro-choice. I just was.

Photo via World Cant Wait/Flickr (CC-BY)

And then I visited a Body Worlds exhibit. This particular show featured skeletal muscles, nervous systems, and healthy and diseased organs to demonstrate the complexity of the human body. It also included a wall of 42 embryo and fetuses preserved in a glass case.

These embryos and fetuses were humanized by Body Worlds. I saw their form and I saw their potential. I saw them as life. (Not so dissimilarly as I saw the meat that I no longer ate when I became a vegetarian 10 years prior.) I remember very clearly, standing over a nine-week embryo in a glass case thinking that I believed in choice, but couldnt imagine making such a choice.

Fast forward 10 years.

I became pregnant in the summer of 2011. In September, I went in for the routine 13-week NT scan, the ultrasound that assesses your babys risk of having chromosomal abnormalities. That day, we found out that our babys nuchal fold thickness was outside of the normal range.

We sat with the genetic counselor as we gave our histories (nothing outside of the ordinary) and was given a primer on statistics and chromosomes and karyotypes and various horrifying conditions. At that point, we still didnt know exactly what it all meant for our child.

As we drove home, my husband, through his stifled tears, said to me, We cant think of it as a baby. I remember feeling aggressively defensive at my husbands reality. I had stared at the doctors screen and saw a body. I had stared at my belly and saw it swollen. Of course, it was a baby. That was never a question for me.

Test results confirmed that our baby had a significant chance of having some kind of severe abnormality that could be fatal or would likely cause him to suffer. We consulted doctors, got second opinions, and endured more testing. We were candidly, though not casually, advised by doctors to terminate and try again. And at 14 weeks, thats what we did. We made our choice.

I grieved, I processed, I sat on the couch in therapy and tried to find meaning in my experience. I planted a letter in an olive tree that I had written to our son, explaining to him why we made our decision, and that it was ultimately a decision made out of love.

I became pregnant again, at the beginning of 2012. This babys due date was exactly one year after we terminated the previous pregnancy. I found solace in that kind of synchronicity.

But of course, when I went to my routine 13-week NT scan, I was still anxious.

As I lay on the exam bed, facing a flatscreen monitor with just my name and my estimated due date, the technician asked me, Would you like me to turn the monitor off after you confirm the information is correct?

She was asking if I wanted to see my baby. Without hesitation, I told her to leave it on. I did not take my eyes off him. Here was my baby alive and living inside of me.

Soon, though, my husband and I would be faced with the same godawful, painful decision that we had made just months before.

This time around, my babys NT scan showed that his nuchal fold thickness measured twice the normal size, putting his life at even more risk than our first. My husband and I searched for a medical explanation or any scientific data that could give us an understanding as to why this happened to us not once, but twice. I scoured medical journal articles and reached what felt like the end of the internet looking for affirmations that I could carry my baby to term and not feel like I was putting my child at a significantly abnormal great risk by bringing him into the world.

We sat with the facts, the data, the expert opinions as well as second and third and fourth opinions. I had a CVS, a microarray, a full counsel on recessive testing. We had ultrasounds with specialists at both Cedars-Sinai and UCLA. We reached out to various genetic and prenatal and neonatal specialists. We made it our job to find an answer.

Despite the extensive research on my pregnancies and all of the testing, every doctor we saw was at a loss to explain why this developed with our babies twice and couldnt come up with anything beyond compassionately telling us it was two strokes of bad luck.

We made our choice. Again.

. . .

I think about what our story would have looked like under different circumstances. In another state. With abortion restrictions. With fewer means. Fewer resources. What that trajectory could have looked like in a parallel universe. And it makes me realize that while others might not agree with our choiceand I certainly can understand why some do notit was our choice to make, not our governments. It was philosophical, it was personal, and it was ours.

The Oklahoma House of Representatives passed a billin March that would ban all abortions based on genetic abnormalities. In other words, Oklahoma legislators believe that the agonizing choice that my husband and I made as a couple, both times, should have been theirs to make. Theyd get to make this choice for us even though they would do nothing to support the aftermath of that decision: setting aside funding for his medical care, holding our hands while he underwent a lifetime of treatments, alleviating our pain if he died not long after birth.

In Kentucky, there is only one abortion clinic left in the state. One in 40,400 square miles, and the governor just tried to close it. In that scenario, I think about the big-picture trajectory again: If my husband and I lived in Kentucky and we didnt have a car or have the funds to get to the closest clinic and subsequently had a child with severe and costly life threatening medical issuesa child whom may or may not have been even able to survive after being bornwhere would we all be now?

But in what could be the most damaging legislation given my situation, the Texas Senate just passed two obscenely restrictive bills: One outlawing dilation and evacuation (D&E) procedures, the safest and most effective abortion procedure for women in their second trimester and what doctors used to terminate my second pregnancy; and another called the wrongful birth bill that would make it legally OK for doctors to lie to their patients about fetal abnormalities so they dont get an abortion. Yes, doctors could make the choice to withhold my babys health issues from my husband and me, while we went on in ignorance, unable to have a choice in the future of our family.

The list of laws and states and circumstances that hinder choice goes on and on.

Photo via Shutterstock

While it may seem like what the Republican Party wants to do first and foremost with such restrictive legislation is prevent women from getting abortions, that motive is only secondary. Many studies have shown that women arent going to stop choosing to have abortions under strict lawstheyll find other, unsafe means to terminate their pregnancies that could put their own lives in danger. At its core, these laws are about controlling women and perpetuating feelings of shame and guilt for making choices over their own bodies.

Women have long lived with the burdens of shame; nevertheless, we have persisted. We do not shut down after making the choice to have an abortion. We do not go through with the procedureand never feel again. I have never felt so much pain, anger, sadness, grief, and confusion as I did after choosing to end my pregnancies.

Worse than the pain I felt in their absence, though, would have been not getting to make that choice at all. And to clarify: I understand why others would not make the same choice. But being forced into a life based on a doctors whim or a legislators personal ideology, being robbed of making the best personal choice for my family, would have been a pain I could not endure.

. . .

After that 13-week appointment, I decided to make the most of each day with my son while he was still in my body. We went to the beach. I showed him the ocean and the sand. We ate Indian food, Italian food, Mexican food, Mediterranean food. I read to him. I talked to him. I sang to him. I wrote him letters daily. We listened to a lot of Florence and the Machine. I explained everything that was happening to us as best as I could, as we went into each ultrasound appointment.

After considering and reconsidering all of the information we had collected over five weeks, we made the decision to go in for a D&E the day before my 35th birthday. He was 18 weeks. I woke up on my birthday longing for him and missing him terribly.

While my husband and I grieved together, I felt oddly alone in my experience. Simply put, there was a literal voidinside of me. Unlike my husband, I had pregnancy weight gain and pain and cramping and bleeding and hormonal mood swings that were constant visceral reminders of my baby whose life we chose to end. And so I took the pain pills prescribed with wine every night as I watched countless episodes of TLCsWhat Not to Wear to escape all the pain that was too hard to feel.

Because he was a baby, my baby, we had him cremated. Until we came up with the right spot to place his ashes, I carried him around with me. Some might think it weird or dark or sick, but I couldnt fathom leaving him home alone, and so he came with me in my purse to my appointments, my errands, and my work. We eventually found his spot.

My husband and I eventually tried again seven months later. I quickly became pregnant and gave birth to our son in August 2013.

I would be lying if I said I did not often see his two brothers when I look at him. All three are part of my fabricour son is here because of them. And one day, I plan on telling him about his brothers and our journey. A journey and a family we wouldnt have without choice.