#i genuinely didnt know whether to be proud or scared

[shivvroys]

i got a facebook notification once that a page i’d liked had changed their name…someone had converted their orphan black fanpage into their professional therapy services page

#i genuinely didnt know whether to be proud or scared #the tumblrinas are getting grown adult jobs now!!! #orphan black #btw i dont tag anything these days bc im lazy and always on the mobile app #so to this day ‘clonepocalypse’ shows up as my most frequently used tag #y’all remember the clonepocalypse???? #clap if u remember #good times good times

[webkinz-05]

Hey, im a Tommy kin from dsmp and I was wondering if I could get a shufflemancy for my relationship with either Philza or Dream?

5 shuffles

Thank you!

tw for discussion of abuse and manipulation

im shuffling for dream, i got:

Being low as dirt, taking what's important from me - TUYU

I'm not afraid of anything! Nothing scares me, but still...

It hurts! It hurts! It hurts! It hurts!

im going to say right off the bat your relationship with dream sounds hellish, you constantly put on a brave face when facing his abuse, convincing yourself that heros dont crack under pressure. despite that train of thought you still felt the pain of getting your shit kicked mentally and physically, it just wasnt something you felt you could express

this song is actually really interesting its very hectic and fast paced, reflective of the anxiety you endured when spending time with dream. it also mentions wings a lot, which ill get to later

Taking distance, trying to act like a spoiled child instead,

Without telling it at all, I don't want to be hated you know!

you tried multiple ways to try and get dream to treat you like a Human, both giving him space and acting out in some ways when that didnt work, but of course the problem wasnt with what you were doing it was His thought process (an evil one). you didnt WANT dream to think of you as this toy he could fuck with, and even after you realized just how bad things were you still regretted not being able to make his "good side", even though by this point you knew it wasnt rational to think that

Look at me, these wings that you praised,

Beautiful isn't it? Being chosen to be as dirt, kicking me out?!

It's all your fault for sure! It should be a mistake, these wings!

you were constantly being torn between praise and adoration from him and in the next breath being treated like scum, someone who didnt deserve to be treated any way but terribly. the wings comment kind of makes me think that you were phils kid in this timeline, and that you did Literally have wings that may have been a way dream could have manipulated you. praising you constantly in skills and appearance, i believe you were proud of being phils son and flaunted your wings as a point of pride (theres nothing wrong with that! having wings is fucking cool) and dream saw that trait as something to use to his advantage. the implication that you are phils kid and Proud leads me to think that your relationship with him was pretty decent and he was protective of you, but nobody really knew what was happening to you during exile or when you spent time with dream, so he couldnt do anything to prevent it (plus you were still in deep denial over whether or not you were actually being abused by dream)

Except for regrets, the conclusion where nothing left,

I'm going to take responsibility as a traitor, aren't I?!

dream did eventually get put Somewhere, most likely pandoras vault, and even then you had regrets about things with him, this was something you felt responsible for, putting him in there "betryaing" someone who, according to him, was your only trusted friend. of course i imagine you cycled between that guilt and then genuine animosity for what hed done to you, which is common and normal in abuse victims. this guilt and mindset regarding dream is something you had to work through with loved ones, but of course in time trauma is something that can always be worked through and accommodated for.

- mod j ☄

#answered #shufflemancy #tommy kin #tommyinnit kin #dsmp kin #dream smp kin #tw abuse #tw manipulation

[shinxngopaliu]

⟨ WONG KAHEI. CIS FEMALE. SHE/HER. ⟩ though the mist might prevent some from seeing it, LIXUE KARISMA LIU is actually a descendent of H E P H A E S T U S. it’s still a question of whether or not the TWENTY-TWO year old BIOMEDICAL ENGINEERING MAJOR from SHENZHIEN, HONG KONG has taken after their godly parent completely, but the demigod is still known to be quite CHARASMATIC & INTENSE.

Yeah its Min with the second character. This time Ill try to keep it short and sweet 

CHARACTER BASICS

Full Name: Lixue Karisma Liu

Nickname: Karisma, XueXue, Little Liu

Age: 22

Gender: cis female

Pronouns: she/her

Ethnicity: Chinese

Nationality:Hong Konger

Education: High School Diploma,

Hometown:ShenZhien

Divine Parentage: Hephaestus

Written Aesthetics: Hands covered in ink and grease, poprocks sparking in ones mouth, the sight of a small light frame,a loud scream from atop a carousel, An angry face clutching a thread bare teddy bear 

CHARACTER APPEARANCE

Face Claim: Wong Kahei

Height: 5′3

Hair Colour: Varies

Eye Colour: Brown

Dominant Hand: Ambextrixious 

Distinguishing Features: Cleft Lip and scarred eyebrows

BIOGRAPHY (bullying tw) 

It was quick and whirlwind, the romance that it is. Karisma’s mom has been a nursing playing pool she whispered some tricks to help the god win. She didnt think much of it. He was nt half bad to her. 

She did get pregnant and headed on maternity leave. Somehow by luck she met a fellow doctor during her pregnancy, he fell for her and was willing to take care of the kid

That would be easier said then done as the kid was more rambunxious then intended. Always running around and piecing things back together. They thought it was the terrible twos but little did they know it was much more

 (Tw)They enrolled Karisma in private school, hoping that a quality education would help her find her way through life, sadly she did get made fun of for any little thing. One school mate even asked why she smiled so oddly. 

She buried herself in other hobies manly robotics and metal music. She was able to find a few friends but she was well aware she wasn’t liked by many. Even her friends admit that sometimes she seems a bit too strange (Tw end)  

All that would change when she as trapped by a monster. She experience her senses flaring up as they never had before. Karisma was struggling in her net when the figure snarled at her and muttered the words I got you little demigoddess. And why was her smile so crooked, just like her father 

Thats all it took for her to set the net on fire. There was white hot flames she herself never experience. She just remembered setting the monster aflame before running. She remembered running fast and heading home. The subway only made her ruinmante. 

Karisma was angry, confused, and scared. She started crying to her father as she confessed the events. It was her mother that finally came clean with the truth. The man she knew all her lief wasnt her father but someone else. When Karisma asked for his name, her mother admitted he only went by H and hasnt contected her since.Only a satryr intruppted her line of questioning.

The satry tried to explain better than her parents about the demigod hood but she was placated enough to come with him. Karisma looked at her parents in disappointment- she really wished they told her soooner. 

Camp Halfblood was diffrent though. There was something that contrasted against the colder private school she went too. The minute she entered the gates the ends of her pigtails set aflame in excitement. She was able to talk to more people without judgment. Tough the question remained who her father was,

The claim just happened, seeing the iron hammer over her head. She felt a lot of emotions but anger being one of them. She as secretly hoping for Hermes or Apollo but she got the one with the temper. One that she didnt realize she had. Sure she was to get close to them but the first night she slammed the door and hid under her covers screaming. 

She grew to realize that Heph was her father and that maybe he had reasons to not tell her. In a very strongly worded letter she asked why, her father replied a year later. For your protection. Please understand. Se was hesitant to write back since. 

Of course she went on quests. the heph id with the flaming hair and sharper tongue. She liked them but wanted to be a leader instead of a big three kid. 

Now that shes in college she accepted some things to a degree. Though she found a new outlet to get her anger out: Metal Music 

PERSONALITY

Appears very eccentric but is actually a no nonsense type. She is very blunt and genuine with her feelings. A scary critic especially when it comes to obscure music genre and mechanics. However she will help you out, just don’t expect a smile on her face. Very few people have seen her smile due to past instances of being ridiculed, and opts for a half smile.  Is self-conscious to a degree, but not to the point she won’t show her face. Pretends she knows what she wants in life despite the reality she’s just as confused as everyone else. Overcompensates. To those that dont know her she can look very tough or even haughty, but she doesnt care due to judgement. She knows shes a Heph kid and proud of it, it doesnt mean she wont try her other pursuits before she graduates.

POWERS

Pyrokenesis - this is fire strongest power yet its very emotional based. With Karisma’s application, she has used for thermal, melding, and sometimes destructive purposes. She has also used it the way of effects during her performances with her Experimental Metal Group- The Demi-Disasters Hence her Stage name Red Hot Karisma . Primary weakness however would involve the water and freezing point.

Trap Sensing - This is her second most strongest abilities. She can sense and disable traps within a mile distance. She developed this at a younger age, when she was walking through the subway and the capital city. She can’t sense every trap such as those blessed with other god abilities.

Techenkenis - Very limited due to her personal lack of discipline and patience. She can communicate with her own devices, but other peoples devices takes days even months to figure. Rather than use her own power she prefers to use her own instincts.

Enhanced Combat - Very defense like and agility like tactics. Can be on the offense but makes her feel odd doing it. Has some informal training on weak points of the body courtesy of her mother.

OPTIONAL INFO

Extracirculars:

TBD 

Housing:

Hephaestus hous

Connections:

Half siblings 

best friend

course mates

rivals 

Members for her group the Dem-Disasters

People to debate and argue

ees and ohs the whole shebang 

More stuff coming soon

#euintro #bullying tw #tw bullying. #bullying cw #just to be safe #anyay love my tiny choatic gay thx

[mieczyhale]

throwing together some of my recent/ish hc posts/tags for @hellomyguru bc its a thing, babey (i have no idea what you’ve seen and what you havent bc tumblr really just suck like that so lmao)

my tags on this post::  #HELL YEAH HELL YEAH #more pride hcs!!! noice!!#i love these sfm#like klaus always taking part no matter how bad shit is bc HIS PEOPLE!!! and ben trying to punch picketers and homophobes is fucking adorbs#and i would kill (whoop) for the day klaus makes ben corporeal during pride and ben can punch all the people and then disappear#vanya’s is cute. come to the light darling!!#and diego fksgjf okay listen whether one hcs him as bi or not this is 1000% something he’d do either way#he’s supportive!!! and he has lgbtqa+ family!!! and nobody gets to be mean to his family but him!!#see also:: the first year after the apocalypse is avoided five decides to tag along when klaus saying he’s taking dave to#his very first pride. he not only enjoys himself but he learns a lot and either then or over the course of the following weeks figures his#own labels out - bc i hc five as asexual and i just have a thing for klaus being the all knowledgeable one about something for once#and his siblings learning about gender and sexuality from him and maybe discovering something new about themselves along the way!#except luther. he’s a cis hetero and we all know it#but maybe he learns to be a good ally. maybe#i mean probably not but whatever#allison is the only other person in the family who i’d even consider calling straight#bc there’s nothing wrong with being straight and i just.. dont have another label that i think fits her really well#so yeah ive got gender and sexuality hcs for them all flgkscndn happy pride month bitches

my tags on this post:: #’you’re telling me this happens every year?? for a whole month??!’ #actually i need every possible concept of dave experiencing pride month and seeing how far things have come for gays#like rainbow shit everywhere#and of course the legalization of gay marriage#out and proud gay politicians and gay people in positions of power#the amount of support that comes when homophobic shit happens now#homophobia isnt the accepted norm anymore#another thing i like is the concept of - either during pride or just in general - dave being excited to learn about the community as a whole#his boyfriend is a nonbinary pansexual and klaus has explained before what those words mean but dave wants to really understand#we stan a supportive and loving couple#dave has a lot to learn in 2019 but i think this stuff would be the most important and have the most effect on him yknow??#shit isnt perfect but its better and now he can work on getting passed the environment he was raised in#so he can hold klaus’s hand in public and kiss him around other people without panicking and eventually he proposes because HE FUCKING CAN#HE CAN DO THAT. HE CAN JUST.. ASK HIS BOYFRIEND TO MARRY HIM. LEGALLY.#good fucking shit

my tags on this post:: #did you see the state of the sky in the apocalypse?? there’s a chance he really wouldnt have noticed#i mean like yeah it could be a funny plothole#but there could also be reasons for why thats not something he noticed#or idfk man timeline shit#maybe the moon didnt explode the first time around#maybe it did and there’s just another moon somehow some way#maybe he didnt notice bc he was first too scared and then too frenzied and angry probably and then he had shit to focus on and math to do#and then dolores wanted to go on dates to the local wine cellars and flat empty areas that used to be parks and then there was spending days#in the library together like having a girlfriend is a lot of work okay#maybe five just didnt have the time to slowdown and consider things like space#maybe his headspace was too fucked#sometimes you just forget about the moon - i know i do!#so sfgksncjf okay y e ah

my tags on this post:: #YES!!! #yes yes yes #okay #so#everytime someone mentions or even hints at dave having anger issues i wanna fucking cheer bc thats one of my biggest hcs for him#like yeah he’s sweet and gentle and respectful and all that - genuinely a good man - our lil jewish gay#BUT#he did grow up in the 50s and 60s which as op said would have surrounded him with a lot of toxic masculinity. now i dont think he would be#a toxic kind of masculine AT ALL but it definitely would have forced him to hide his emotions and feelings and idk hobbies and of course his#sexuality. and i say hobbies bc there isnt a canon answer for it i dont think but i personally hc dave as being someone who loves art#specifically: drawing. dave keeping a lil sketchbook and some pencils under the pillow on his cot in vietnam?? yes please#so anyway yeah - he wouldnt have really had any good examples of how to properly take care of your anger - although he has enough#heart and common sense to know its really fucking wrong to take it out on women and children and people one is dating WHICH - another hc i#have that ties into this is that somehow his dad found out that he’s gay and beat the crap out of him over it. because unfortunately thats a#thing that happens. so his main male example was an abusive pos. and then he goes to vietnam which is fine because its not like he has#anyone stateside that will miss him - that will talk to him anymore - and its a warzone so there are a lot of ways to work out your anger#and yeah that of course includes bar fights. and he does - usually - try and keep a hold on his anger until he’s away from anyone who might#feel threatened - and he doesnt wanna end up taking out an innocent on accident - but he’s not actually perfect and so sometimes he fails#and it happens around klaus one time and seeing his love’s reaction - the making himself smaller - trying to hide - going quiet and so#clearly afraid - and not just afraid but afraid OF HIM - freezes him to the core where he stands because nobody has ever reacted like that#before. or if they have he never noticed or cared because they didnt matter. but this is klaus. his klaus. who he loves and would never do#anything to hurt him. his klaus who he protects and defends and knows he wants to spend his life with - no matter how impossible it is#he wants to go to klaus and apologize - try to undo the damage done simply by him raising his voice and lashing out - but he doesnt know#what to say or how to say it - he doesnt know what to do with the situation honestly. so he leaves the tent and goes to take his renewed#anger and frustration out on whatever he can find so he can calm down and hopefully get into the right headspace to have whats#no doubt going to be a really hard conversation with his boyfriend. because where do you even start??#but of course they talk it out and dave promises to work on his anger and on how he lets it out and yknow.. its dave so klaus trusts him and#it takes some time - there are some incidents - but dave works hard and learns a lot from klaus - including how to unlearn a lot of shit he#grew up with - and its rough but having a partner from the future who breaks all kinds of barriers definitely helps#so y eah. those are my brief feelings on it and i wanna marry op 

my tags on this post::   #!!!!!!!!!!!! #YES #i adore this post#i could never pinpoint why the introduction on the bus made me feel like That but this is it!!#its just so sweet and innocent - even surrounded by other soldiers in the middle of a warring country#the innocence and unbearable fucking adorableness of their first convo on that bus just… its so bright and lovely it makes everything else disappear#the only thing that matters is the two guys getting to experience that ‘o h’ moment for the first time in their lives bc their childhoods#never let them have that #i assume#bc like op said klaus didnt go to a regular school and he wasnt p much stuck in that house and then he was on the streets so#and for dave like.. i guess he could’ve had that moment in school? but it would’ve been one-sided and he never would have#told anyone. 1960s. gay jewish man. yeah.#they’re each others first (and only) loves and i just really fucking adore that and live off of posts about them 

my tags on this post:: #what if he wasnt dead-dead though???#bc like… the day five found them all dead was apparently the day the apocalypse happened right? so its not like they’d been dead for days#weeks or w.e yknow??#and the time between klaus dying and coming back is varying and undetermined - there’s no canon timing for the length of his deaths#so what if he came back to life??#like okay i know its not really possible in canon bc five buried them i think?? or is that a fanon thing??#i cant remembering #anyway#but still - in general klaus not being permanently dead in the apocalypse is another possibility#and five didnt know about it bc after finding them all he began his 45 year journey#and klaus wakes up alone and essentially has to learn to survive and he doesnt know five was ever there bc..well.. yeah#five is long gone#maybe klaus lives out his days in that wasteland#and he doesnt remember it where five does bc five time traveled back and klaus didnt. the klaus that got stuck in the#apocalypse is a different klaus - like a different timeline. the klaus from ep1 never got stuck in the destroyed future so#he’d have no knowledge or memories of it or anything#or - second thought - he kills himself at some point after waking up and either begs god to let him stay dead or he strikes some kind of#deal with her so he doesnt have to return to whats left of earth#oooo or something happened that put a lock on his powers?? like yknow those cuffs and devices and stuff in stuff in fantasy that freeze the#users abilities?? that’d be an interesting plotpoint bc then like who did it and why and what was the last day really like? yknow#vanya’s meds but More is the idea #just a thought#but anyway idk im just a big fan of klaus with the inability to die and all the possibilities that brings 

my tags on this post::   #i’ve actually never stopped to consider why he didnt notice them except for my v first tua watch-thru#which is odd bc like that seems like a thing one should notice after a few watches??#but w.e #anyway#my only other hc for that part of the episode isnt that klaus didnt notice them bc he’s used to guns#it’s that he didn’t hear them#or that they weren’t loud enough -to him- to register as gunfire initially#bc like one of my close hcs is that he has bad hearing. growing up with people screaming in your ears 24-7 365 can’t exactly be good for#his ears now can it? and with how loud some of them are and how close they can get to him - without touching him - that’s just.. a lot of#fucking volume okay#now add in the academy’s mission alert siren#how loud he listens to his music with headphones on when he’s trying to drown out some REALLY LOUD SCREAMING#and then being near gunfire growing up. those bank robbers had guns and weren’t exactly a big distance away#all the raves and clubs and parties he goes to?? places where music is played so loud the room shakes and you cant hear anything else and#the music itself can be heard from blocks away?? that’s an indeterminable amount of intense noise#and then of course the gunfire of vietnam#so like… boys ears have SUFFERED. whether they wanna acknowledge that in canon or not#so the shooting at the theater - the shooting thats IN the theater - which is large and meant to house sound#thats happening across a big city street from where they’re standing and they’re behind the food truck and if klaus was ordering when it all#started that was just another level of sound and he’s not exactly focused bc everything is awful yknow?? so either it takes him a second to#notice or register it on his own or maybe he doesnt and ben says something?? idk but that’s kinda the field i’ve landed on for that scene#not that im not here for op’s hc!!! bc it really is a good one and it makes sense. im just rambling my own theory here bc i like considering#the Ways for Things sometimes. esp with klaus involved. this does make me wonder tho… if his hearing somehow is -fine- in canon…. h o w?#bc like bitch who tf can take all that and have perfect hearing?? thats gotta be impossible. if they are fine is it related to his powers#somehow?? like.. does his casual passing between life and death all the time mean he doesnt have mortal ear weaknesses? its weird but im..#i’ve got theories. 

my tags on this post:: #probably in the massive fucking pockets of his fluffy coat#see also:: a dealer’s place #a boyfriend’s place#an ex-boyfriend who is also a dealer’s place#a girlfriend’s place #a partner’s place#all ex’s of course bc dave is the only valid romantic relationship#he made friends with the person who owns a nearby thrift store and they help him out#he has a locker at a public place like the ymca#he only has one outfit before returning to the mansion so he has nothing to carry - ever on the move#he thiefs off of people in rehab and crackhouses he stayed in that are dumb enough to leave their shit unattended#when he sees something he likes or he feels its time for an outfit change#he mostly sticks with his lace up pants as far as bottom pieces go bc its much harder to sneak away with skirts#and the kind of crazy pants he likes. there’s only room for one pair of pants for this pan disaster#after returning to the mansion he has access to the funky gay clothes he had managed to aquire before leaving all those years ago#bc like… i kinda hc that he got out of there fast and probably higher than fuck and had nothing packed#have you ever tried to pack while high?? it’s harder than it has any right to be#crack theory:: he had a bag - we just never saw it bc in the beginning he wore it under his floofy coat bc safety and he didnt need it the#rest of the time.#i have a lot of thoughts and headcanony opinions about klaus’s time on the streets so thank u#for giving me a place to dump some of them   

#a collection of my dumbass tag rambles about the umbrella academy #for the ever lovely #hellomyguru #im definitely gonna be thinking of more pride hcs tho bc... Gay. #oooo i should make a post about my gender/sexuality hcs for all the siblings maybe?? ive seen other people do that and like.. i wanna share #but i also dont want to be eaten by people who disagree so... mayhaps not. #idk. #anyway. i knew i typed a lot in tags but uh... i wasnt aware of how bad it was. whoops? #mytuaposts

[eliottdemaurys]

mercredi 10:40 - phase de latence clip analysis

Since I had so many thoughts about mercredi 10:40, I decided to make this analysis of the clip. Buckle up mecs, its gonna be a long ride. I’m putting this under the cut because this ended up being way longer than I originally planned

So we start in the biology classroom where it looks like the class is working on an assignment where you can’t talk to the other students. It might be a test though (if french people could rb this and explain it that would be very much appreciated.) Imane seems like someone who cares a lot about academic honesty, but she cares even more about being a loyal friend. That’s why I was shocked, but not entirely surprised when she whispered an answer to Lucas for his assignment.

“You forgot the latency phase”

“What?”

“The latency phase. When two chromosomes are forming”

Imane is someone who is reserved, but once she gets to know and trust someone, she will go above her personal beliefs. The same can go for when she defended Alexia during the Kiffance party when Chloé said a generalization about gay people. Homosexuality is against Imane’s religion, but that doesn’t stop her from defending Alexia. Imane is such a caring hufflepuff and anyone would be lucky to have a friend like her. 

Lucas gets the texts from Eliott

When Lucas got the texts from Eliott, he seemed apprehensive, but he was still willing to turn his uncompleted assignment in to see him. Lucas was confused and probably hurt that Eliott didn’t text him since Saturday, but I truly believe that all it takes is for Lucas to see Eliott’s face for 2 seconds to stop being mad at him.

Eliott also brings out the spontaneous side in Lucas, whether it means leaving class early or ditching Chloé and Lucille on their “double date.” Eliott makes Lucas fearless. (I’ll come back to that later.)

“Minimalism, Imane. Minimalism.”

This quote makes me laugh every time. Lucas has a very witty personality that we see from time to time when he’s truly happy. Imane’s reaction to this made it even better.

This smile!!!! I wish I could see Eliott smile like that forever!!!! Okay but seriously, Eliott was so happy at that moment before it all went to hell. He probably had a hard couple of days after he left Lucas’s apartment, but now that he seemed to be feeling better he couldn’t wait to see Lucas. There is so much hope and love in those eyes.

This kiss was such a natural reaction for Eliott, but I don’t think he understood how monumental it would be to kiss Lucas at school. Lucas never told Eliott that he is closeted but after Eliott saw Lucas’s reaction, I’m sure he definitely knows now. This, my mecs, is the first part of this clip that hurts. And it gets worse.

“Doesn’t that make you happy?”

“Of course. I just don’t want you to be sad or feel like it’s my fault”

So much to unpack with these lines. “Doesn’t that make you happy?” Oh Eliott, of course it makes Lucas happy. Lucas’ reaction caused the doubt to start creeping in for a second, and I don’t blame him. I’m sure breaking up with Lucille was a terrifying moment for him. He lost his main safety net and jumped into this new and exciting relationship where there is still a chance of abandonment. Thankfully, Eliott’s doubt only lasted for a second when Lucas said “I don’t want you to be sad or to feel like it’s my fault.” Not only does Lucas want to be with him, but he cares so much about how Eliott feels. Lucas understood that Lucille was a big part of Eliott’s life, and he can’t help but feel guilty for breaking up their long term relationship.

“I'm not sad!”

Eliott is so happy here. Right away Lucas expressed genuine concern for Eliott’s feelings probably in a way Lucille never did. He also assured Eliott about how happy their relationship makes him. Lucas just wanted to be sure that Eliott feels the same way, especially after not hearing from him for days.

This time it was Eliott’s turn to reassure Lucas. This forehead touch expressed more than words ever could in this situation. The true intimacy in this moment is so tangible. Not to mention the little nose rub thing Eliott always does with Lucas! They’re just so soft with each other I feel like my heart is going to melt.

Now for some more angst.

“My mother is crazy” “I don’t need crazy people in my life”

It physically pains my heart to type those words, let alone hear it being said from Lucas multiple times as a rewatch this clip. I’m sure once Lucas realizes that what he said was wrong he’ll spend his whole life proving to Eliott how wrong that statement is.

This moment right here is the part where I start crying every time. Eliott is always so expressive through his eyes, and you can so clearly see the pain. His biggest fear about Lucas came true: he realized that Lucas won’t accept him for his mental illness. Of course this isn’t true, but after Lucas calls his mom with a mental illness crazy, there’s no reason for him to believe otherwise. Eliott decides at that moment to build a wall around himself, and that prompts him to make this insta post. The worst thing about this is that Lucas doesn’t know why Eliott starts to withdraw.

Lucas becomes so brave around Eliott. Only two minutes before Lucas was scared to kiss Eliott in school, but in a matter of minutes, he was ready to kiss him without a second thought. Lucas was also so sure about telling his parents about Eliott. I’m so proud of him.

Maybe that’s what makes Eliott’s rejection of the kiss even more painful. Lucas was so open around Eliott, so i’m sure Eliott walking away was a punch to the gut. The confusion Lucas must have felt was probably overwhelming.

What happens next?

Now Lucas has two choices: he can do what he has done before and shut down within himself, or he could open up to someone about this. I hope that he goes to Manon for help because she has always made it clear that he shouldn’t have to go through his struggles alone. It would also be nice for him to talk to Mika or Alexia, since they both seem to be very confident in their sexualities.

Please tell me if you would like me to write more clip analyses like these! I genuinely loved writing this even though I had to rewatch an incredibly painful clip over and over again.

I’m sure there’s so much I missed, so if you have any other thoughts on this clip please feel free to share!

#skam france #elu #lucas lallement #eliott demaury #skamfr analysis #my post

[boojersey]

VIC DO ALL THE ASKS BC I LOVE U AND WANT U TO HAVE FUN

*SWEATS* AYE AYE CAPN

cw for like some common lgbt+ topics such as dysphoria violence discrimination etc just. tread carefully if u get triggered easily by bad lgbt experiences

What do you identify as and what are your pronouns? -im a gay trans man and my pronouns are he/him but they/them is also acceptable!

How did you discover your sexuality, tell your story?-oh wow i originally thought i was a lesbian because i didnt even know what transgender was i just thought wishing i was a man meant i was butch and then i met my friend donnie in eighth grade who told me he was trans and it was kinda a huge slap in the face but with a sack of gay bricks? and i found out i dont like women through actually having sex with cis women and finally realizing it. really wasnt for me so now im just a gay man as opposed to queer as an umbrella term but i periodically refer to myself as such

Have you experienced being misgendered? What happened and how did you overcome it?-oh yea i literally was misgendered today i just kinda brush it off but it can be hard sometimes especially when people know im trans and do it

Who was the first person you told, how did they react?-i first told donnie about my gender, it was a thing where i went to bed the night i met him and was like  .. wait holy fuck and then the next day i was like BRO HOLY FUCK but sexuality? i dont really know???? it was so long ago it was honestly probably my group of friends on kik that i had in 2013 (u were included in that mister!!!!)

Describe what it was like coming out, what did you feel?-im not actually fully out but the first time someone who was an adult knew about my trans-ness was what really set in for me the fact that i could come out one day; my friends mom referred to me as seance (and like. obviously she respected my gender she has a trans kid) but it was just super jarring bc no adult had known yet abt my identity in any way and as a result i was rlly glad it was nighttime in that car bc i cried almost immediately; the first time i came out on my Own was to my cousin and he laughed in my face so that was pretty damn awful and its kinda funny cuz the bastard is bi so u would think hed have been accepting but n0pe!

If you’re out, how did your parents/guardians/friends react?-im out to my friends now ! and the reception was generally positive bc i think i do an ok job at picking ppl to be around in terms of morals so there was little bad reception

What is one question you hate people asking about your sexuality?-i hate when ppl ask if im gay as in for men or gay as in for women because im trans, i am a man so when i say im gay i feel like that should be easy enough to put 2 and 2 together but when they ask that i feel as if they still view me as a woman

Describe the style of clothing that you most often wear.-emo of the gods themselves it is absolute scene and emo vomit and i love it; its seriously hard for me to wear dresses and skirts without dysphoria and just general discomfort but i own a couple anyway bc theyre cute i just. never wear them

Who are your favourite lgbt+ ships?-my main thing at the moment is gerard/frank/grant morrison bc i love poly fics very dearly and gerard/bert because bert mccracken deserved better than gerawrds internalized homophobia lol

What does makeup mean to you? Do you wear any?-makeup to me is an androgynous thing so i wear eyeshadow a lot and lipstick sometimes, eyeshadow is easier on my eyes than eyeliner bc im allergic to a lot of makeup thats on the heavier side so if i put on eyeliner my eyes will water and burn throughout the day but with eyeshadow im mostly ok; other opinion is that makeup on Anyone can be sexy as hell if they do it for fun and wear literally what they truly want and not just what they think is accepted or what they Should wear

Do you experience dysphoria? If so, how does that affect you?-oh yeah my dysphoria is pretty debilitating if im gonna be honest; i used to have very little problems with it because my hold on reality was loose at best (before i was medicated to clarify) but now that i am almost completely Here my dysphoria is pretty bad and even just like. the knowledge that i have breasts is pretty awful; a few weeks ago i put on an outfit that i have to wear a victorias secret bra to fit properly in and just one look in the mirror had me sobbing and i had to change my clothes before i could leave the house and i havent worn a bra since because just the thought of showing off my chest makes this stark fuckin dread shoot through my veins but i also have dysphoria in regards to my voice that i discussed at my last trans therapy group meeting actually ; my voice has a tendency to bounce around my octave range so sometimes ill be like. excited then hear what i sound like. and ruin it for myself immediately u kno? im not even gonna talk about my dicksphoria bc thats just. awful. 

What is the stupidest thing you’ve heard said about the lgbt+ community?-ohhhhhhhh my god u know what? ive heard..so much .. that im gonna instead take this opportunity to mention my mother genuinely thinks dnd is satanic

What’s your favourite thing about the lgbt+ community?-the fact that were so strong. we are so fucking strong we deal with violence and opposition constantly and at staggering rates yet we stay strong and we continue loving through all of it, whether its in dark corners in secret or loudly in the streets we continue loving and do so with all of our beings because we know its our own truth and well gladly go to hell if it means we got to love on earth (not that everyone believes in hell or the idea that us gays go to hell but my point stands)

What’s your least favourite thing about the lgbt+ community?-we have this audacity to create divide (to the fault of mostly cis white gay men thank u very much) when what we need to do is love each other because we are different but at the end of the day we all need to remain in tandem and as a family or we will never get to where we need to in terms of acceptance and that means being uplifting and protecting our trans sisters of color, our disabled lgbt members, our autistic lgbt members, our anything past cis white gay man because we all need recognition, we all need love, and to exclude any letters of lgbt is to tear ourselves down and set ourselves on fire

Have you ever been to your cities pride event? Why or why not?-no :((( no one would drive me in the past and i dont think ill have a way to get there this year either

Who is your favourite lgbt+ Icon/Advocate/Celebrity?-brian molko! my bisexual, androgynistically-inclined father who birthed me at the tender age of 16 when i found placebo

Have you been in a relationship and how did you meet?-ya theres been a few and i dont rlly like to talk abt my relationships with anyone unless theyre online relationships so im just gonna leave it at that

What is your favourite lgbt+ book?-pantomime by laura lam! its one of if not my favorite book to this day

Have you ever faced discrimination? What happened?-y a every damn day bitch ! example is when i was deadnamed by my psychiatrist while she knows full well what my name is the other day; another is the countless times i get called a lesbian ???? and when strict lesbians ask me out i get a very bad taste in my mouth (i understand full well that sexuality is fluid, these are lesbians that spit the ‘penis is gross blegh’ rhetoric)

Your Favorite lgbt+ movie or show?-uh im just gonna say preacher bc its my favorite show altogether n cass is bi/pan/something similar

Who are some of your favourite lgbt+ bloggers?-@ble3dmagic is my boyfriend in crime (not rlly thats a joke) and @musicalsense​ is my sunburnt Brother

Which lgbt+ slur do you want to reclaim?-queer! i also use f*ggot a lot when talking about myself and my friends that are ok with it

Have you ever gone to a gay bar, or a drag show, how was it?-i went to a drag show and it was so amazing and one of the first times i felt accepted in my own community that i cried

How do you self-identify your gender, and what does that mean to you?-well i identify as a man with no leaning towards womanhood or nonbinaryhood in any way, its just . man . but in terms of Expression i am quite androgynous bc i can rlly appreciate femininity (NOT the same as womanhood) and being a man to me means just that ive always wanted to grow up with that “gender role” like i always wish i was raised as a stereotypical parent would raise a son and ive always been more interested in stereotypically masculine things and people since i can even remember and i feel like puberty was just this unpreventable spiral into something i didnt want. i didnt want it at all . this is tmi but when i got my first period i cried my eyes out bc the idea of being called a Woman repulsed me so much and since i didnt even know that being trans was a concept i was just this scared puppy full of confusion and fear aimed at myself because all the stuff i heard i was supposed to be proud of the change but i wasnt i was so ashamed of it and the idea of being called a woman made me sick to my stomach and i just wish i could go back in time and hold myself and tell me itll be alright 

Are you interested in having children? Why or why not?-absoLutely not i hate kids (and by that i mean i hate being around them and the culture that surrounds having children; i do not treat kids like shit and i do not act like hating children is a personality trait; i get migraines and usually the second a child starts screaming or crying i am on the floor of my brain writhing in dire pain and i have absolutely no desire to support another human life when frankly i cant even support myself; its also just not a lifestyle i want to live)

What identity advice would you give your younger self?-god so fucking much. so fucking much. so many things i wish i could say to myself

What do you think of gender roles in relationships?-i think if someone wants to adhere to them then hell yea go ahead just dont expect others to do it or try to tell other people its a Norm or something; theyre for the most part christian in nature so i dont have any desire to follow them myself, i want a relationship (if any) thats more of a coexistence if that makes sense, like. roommates plus dick

Anything else you want to share about your experience with gender?-i always used to anxiously chew on the idea that my chest dysphoria is just me holding disdain for the shape and size of my breasts but let me tell you. the second i put on my binder for the first time i immediately started crying because i was so overwhelmed by the fact that i was looking at something one step closer to myself and i know full well i am never going to have that doubt again. this week has been exponentially cathartic and therapeutic for me

What is something you wish people know about being lgbt+?-i want the cisheteros to know that nothing they learn about us is new. everything about us has been around for so so long but has been silenced and erased to the point where a lot of us dont even know many things about our rich and beautiful history

Why are proud to be lgbt+?-honestly? its hard for me to not just straight up say im not proud of my identity. its taken me years to stamp down the plain grieving toward my identity and wishing i could have the easier path but frankly? the fact that i am choosing this path of hardship and hell on earth just to be who i truly am i think speaks volumes of my pride in my identity at this point; further back in my archive by a few years my posts are littered with sentiments of bitterness wherein i stated that i hate being trans and not just cis but i like to think ive finished hating myself for my identity. i like to think im proud now. to ask me why is to ask too much of me, all i know now is that i am proud and thats enough for me right now.

#LONG POST #KAY I LOVE U BUT HOLY SHIT MY FOLLOWERS ARE GONNA GET MOTION SICKNESS FROM SCROLLING PAST THIS AT LIGHTNING SPEED #saltwaterfox

[mayamatiln]

can u please talk about your love for Johnny DiMarco? gush about it bc me too

sorry it took me so long to answer this. I’ve tried to come up with a coherent way to describe my love for him but I’m not sure this will do it justice but I’ll try. 

Long story short: CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT. Not only that but it was subtle character development shown through his interactions as a supporting character. It’s what skyrocketed him to becoming my favorite character because if you didn’t watch him closely you would never pick up on how much he was changing with every new episode he was in. Let me analyze a bit:

Season 6 - He is introduced as just another bully from Lakehurst and honestly I didn’t really notice him until Rock This Town when he was there and watched Drake stab JT. Obviously my initial reaction was to hate both of them so much, just like the other characters on the show did. Especially after he watched it happen then immediately ran away. BUT after watching the episode for the billionth time a crazy thought popped into my head: “Imagine what Johnny is going through in his head.” I mean it was clear by the look on his face that what Drake did was completely not okay with him and he was clearly traumatized by watching it. I realized that he ran away (which was the wrong thing to do) because he panicked and got scared like any 16/17 year old kid would. The show completely skipped over the fact that he was probably heavily interrogated by the cops for possibly being an accessory to murder but I was immediately intrigued by what is possibly going on in this boys head.

Season 7 - When first see Johnny this season he is up to his old bullying ways and in my head I was like “really this kid goes through watching a guy he was bullying die and he just keeps on picking on people like it didnt affect him at all?” But then we get that scene where Toby confronts Johnny about how he watched Drake kill JT and you can clearly see Johnny deflecting and trying to shut it out and forget that it ever happened. To me it was so clear that Johnny was going through some really dark things and the only way he knew how to cope with it was by doing what he usually does and taking it out on other people. He keeps doing this until we get to Bust A Move where we see that Johnny is attending the Red Pines camp along with Darcy. If you weren’t really looking for it you would completely miss him being there but at the beginning of one scene we hear him talking to the group about exactly what I had suspected that he had been going through. He talks about how since JT died he has sorta been off the rails and he keeps asking himself why does he have to be such a jerk. This moment confirmed to me what a complex and layered and extremely human character Johnny was even though he was only a background character. It was the pivotal moment that cemented him as one of my favorite characters. 

Season 8 - These were the seasons where we finally began to chip away at the tough guy exterior and see the real Johnny that he was hiding underneath all because of Alli. Although we only ever saw that relationship from her point of view as a way to tell the stereotypical “young girl gets with older guy and realizes she isn’t as mature as she thinks plot” it was still very clear that the relationship meant a lot to the both of them which wasn’t stereotypical at all. From Alli’s point of view we see her chasing after him but it’s also made very clear that he really does like her just as much (if not more) than she liked him but he was initially too much of a coward to admit it. What was so important about this relationship though is that Alli was the first person, other than Bruce (which doesn’t count), who ever sought him out and genuinely liked him and wanted to get to know him. She was never afraid of him like everyone else was and she was persistent which is exactly what he needed. Like he says in Heart of Glass, she wasn’t just some hook up for him, he genuinely liked her as a person because she took the time to pay attention to him and notice that he is actually kind of a nerd. He likes books and literature and he cares about making sure she gets home on time and buys her a flower when he hopes that she never finds out that he’s the one who sent it and he buys her a heartshaped necklace because he’s never been in a relationship before and he doesnt know what he’s doing. She brought him out of his shell and taught him that he is so much more than a bully and that people outside of his small friend group can genuinely like him. I also want to note how when he lies about her being his first time too, like yes it was bad to lie, but from his point of view he finally found someone who genuinely likes him for who he is and he is terrified of hurting her and her leaving him. Yet again we see Johnny making a big mistake but still it is understandable and realistic because he is in fact a teenage boy.

Season 9 - We start off the season with Johnny making possibly one of the biggest mistakes he has ever made (well at least to me). Him sending Alli’s nudes to Bruce because he was mad that she posted a silly picture of him being HIMSELF was so childish and immature and disgusting. That being said it was completely in character and necessary for his character to hit this low point when things were finally looking up for him. When thing’s don’t go Johnny’s way he has always been known to act out cruelly to those around him and sink deeper into his tight friendship with Bruce who he knows would never leave him. He gets upset and reverts into his old habits and thus loses Alli in the process which is probably the biggest reality check he has ever gotten. Then to top it all off he finds out he has genital warts which seals the deal that he has lost the one person who genuinely liked him and cared about him as a person. He initially reacts just like he always has and returns to picking on others as a way to cope. Then as we get to the episode Why Can’t This Be Love we have another turning point. First I must point out that the part 1 of this episode is one of my favorites because it is the only episode where Johnny has an entire plot from his point of view. In it we see him asking Alli to prom because he clearly still has feelings for her and she immediately turns him down. He tried to rebound and fails miserably because when it comes to talking to girls let’s just say he is a total goof who has clearly lost his touch over the past year with Alli. At prom he sees Alli flirting with Dave at prom and he picks on them out of jealousy, by the end of the episode Johnny watches Alli move on with her life and knows that it is over for good. BUT this is the moment that Johnny also decides to turn his life around. From this moment on we never see him bully or threaten anyone else. He took what Alli taught him and he used it to become a better person and really believe in himself. And to top it all off we get a glimpse that he graduated with honors. I’m so proud of my smart boy!!

Season 10 - We only see Johnny in one episode this season but BOY IS IT A GOOD ONE. I remember when the first promo for Hide and Seek Part 1 came out and you have that moment where we see Sav knocking on the door and then Johnny answered. Let me tell you that I completely lost it. I had come to terms that I’d never seen Johnny or another Bhandarco scene again and it was literally the best blessing ever. Anyway, we see Johnny in college and his amazing slowburn character development arc is finally complete. Seeing Johnny with his life together and being happy and involved in school activities is so important. Him giving Alli advice to get through her hardships was such a beautiful parallel to how she helped him get through his whether she knew it or not. And to top it all off he ended his journey by bringing it all back to the beginning and talking about JT. He mentioned his relationship with his parents and how much of a hard time he had after he watched his best friend kill the completely innocent and harmless JT. Seeing him express how much it truly messed him up was so important especially since he never got the solo plots to tell his side of the story. I still cry when I watch that episode just because I am so proud of the man he has become. Seeing him in this episode also taught that when you go to college you have a change to completely reinvent yourself and let go of any reputations that may proceed you. Also it was a neat way to show that even the terrible people you may have once hated can change for the better and that not everyone’s redemption arc reaches it’s peak once they graduate high school because realistically their lives are just beginning.

Johnny DiMarco managed to witness a trauma just as mind altering as Emma, Toby, and Sean did after Time Stands Still. The only difference is that Johnny never got to have his trauma told from his point of view. He is so underrated because yes on the surface he has done horrible things but in context all of it is completely reasonable and realistic based on the things he has been though. Not only that but he never had one single life changing moment where he realized “yeah I’m over my trauma now I can stop acting this way” much like many characters do when they deal with their trauma during the plot of a single episode. All of Johnny’s recovery was a slow burn over the seasons. With each season he grew more and more mature and he managed to do it all with only ONE plot that centered around him, which was basically a filler plot and nothing really happened. I get hurt when people hate on Johnny because it shows that they really haven’t been paying enough attention to him at all and they aren’t thinking and watching the show knowing that all of the characters are human and incredibly realistic. But unlike many other characters, Johnny never got the proper screen time. 

I like to think that after college Johnny became an English teacher. The cool and rough around the edges kind of English teacher that literally changes the lives of all the kids he teaches. Not only is he passionate about literature, he has the life experience to deal with troubled kids and would easily be able to relate to them and help them through life. Maybe someday he reunites with Alli. Unlike the last time they saw each other they are now both mature and a lot more down to earth. But regardless, I’m so beyond pleased with how Johnny was last seen on the show. They brought his character to an excellent close and did as much justice to him as they could. So all of this is why I love Johnny DiMarco and he is my favorite character that Degrassi has ever had. He had such an underrated and under utilized arc but still he managed to steal my heart. 

#degrassi #johnny dimarco #anon #bhandarco #I probably left something out because there is just so much I love to talk about when it comes to him #I'm tired and this is already really long so I'm just gonna stop there #LET IT BE KNOWN THAT JONATHAN GEORGE DIMARCO IS MY ULTIMATE FAV AND I LOVE HIM WITH ALL MY HEART #Anonymous #taylor talks

[dangkinronpa]

headcanons for shsl marine biologist souda who was friends with shsl pediatrician nanami, shsl avant garde designer ibuki, shsl forensic psychologist tsumiki, and shsl biker gang akane

heres ur headcanons souda! i hope u like them, and if u want me to make any changes just remember to let me know! - mod kiibo

- souda was a pretty friendly person, and he always enjoyed having a chance to spend his free time with his friends, whether they be new or old. no matter what, if souda was spending a bit of time with his friends, he always made sure that everyone was enjoying himself and having as much fun as possible, no matter what they were doing

- for instance, souda would make sure to try and do his best to take the subject of marine life and show everyone what exactly made it so interesting for him. even if his friends werent exactly big fans of marine biology, souda would try to make sure that they understood why it appealed to him so much, and this would help some of them develop an interest in it

- even though souda could go on for hours about all the things that he enjoyed, though, he still enjoyed learning more about the talents of his friends and spending time with them, especially if his friends had talents that he didnt know much about. to souda, it was just really interesting to see people his age do things that were incredible

- one way that souda liked to see his friends do amazing things was by watching them work, and this is something that he would do when he spent time with nanami. the two of them would spend time together in her office while she took care of kids, and while nanami made sure they were healthy, souda would make sure they were entertained

- while watching and observing was a good way for souda to learn more about his friends talent, though, he enjoyed to help them with their talents too. he would always try to help ibuki with her designs, and although not everything he suggested or made would end up working out, he was always really proud of everything ibuki kept

- despite the fact that he was a marine biologist, souda enjoyed learning more about other scientific fields (even if he didnt fully understand what was going on), so he found it pretty interesting whenever he would talk to tsumiki about forensic psychology and the mindsets of criminals, even if it was a little scary for him to listen to

- speaking of things that were scary to him, souda was absolutely scared of akanes talent, just due to the fact that it implied that she spent a good deal of time with people who he would assume were dangerous. still, theres something about her talent that souda also finds interesting

- souda was always trying to find things to do that all of his friends would enjoy to do together, even if their interests didnt always align completely. still, after a bit of time he started to learn that just being himself and trying to show his friends some of his favorite activities and genuinely having fun was pretty important, too

- of course, one of soudas favorite things do with with his friends was to turn on documentaries about deep sea life, and although he found it to be really interesting, most of his friends only watched to make him happy (and even then, akane ended up falling asleep about halfway through the documentary). still, souda had fun watching it with them

- even though they might all have differing interests, souda and his friends are always there for each other when they most need it. although they might try to hide their problems from each other, at the end of the day they all know that theyre there for each other. soudas really grateful to have such amazing friends by his side

#kazuichi souda kin #souda kazuichi kin #dangan ronpa kin #sdr2 kin #super dangan ronpa 2 kin #dangan ronpa #sdr2 #super dangan ronpa 2 #chiaki nanami #nanami chiaki #ibuki mioda #mioda ibuki #mikan tsumiki #tsumiki mikan #akane owari #owari akane #headcanons #long post #btw forensic psychology is very interesting to me #all psychology is really

[dent-de-leon]

hi! i read your posts about the possibility of sheith being canon, and i just wanted to let you know there's one more interview where the producers talk about lgbtq rep. if you google "fighting in the war room lauren montgomery", it should be the first result. it's a podcast interview, and the question about rep is towards the very end of the interview. ofc, that doesn't mean sheith will be canon, but i agree with you that the creators seem genuine about wanting to put lgbtq rep in the show.

hi! ohh thank you that was really interesting!!! for anyone else who never listened to it, it was an interview with lauren and joaquim. here’s some highlights:

they both thought the korrasami ending was fantastic, and were proud to be part of it

when pressed if voltron would ever “take that step,” lauren said “we have those first 13 episodes and if we ever went beyond that, we would like to push the envelope” and i mean, well. we know that they got that contract for 78 episodes, and then apparently it was expanded even more and now we have 8 seasons, so…that sure sounds like enough time to put in representation if you ask me…particularly if this was something they were thinking about in the meanwhile and kind of setting up already 

lauren said representation is about “moving the conversation forward” and offering “more accurate representation of the people that are out there and our world” 

something really interesting i didnt consider: joaquim said that “in the future the paladins live in, these aren’t even issues that come up, and people are just accepting of who they are.” so apparently people in the voltron universe are a hell of a lot nicer than the ones in ours. and really i hope that means the death of stereotypes like “straight with an exception,” a character having an “oh no im gay” “scare”, making a character lgbt just for “Angst” because if youre gay then you must be very sad and tragic and suffering, that shitty thing where a character like acts out or bullies others and they claim its what internalized homophobia looks like, ect. most importantly, voltron is geared toward younger viewers. i think it really means a lot for lgbt kids to see themselves represented in a world where everyone is really accepting and supportive. 

so ya i really do think the staff cares, and that makes me really happy. i would be over the moon about sheith of course, but id also be thankful to have representation in any capacity, whether that manifests as something like a character’s romantic orientation or pidge’s gender or a relationship, i do think they’ll put in something, and i look forward to it. but really thank you this cheered me up! 

#voltron #meta #sheith #anonymous #i like this trend #of really kind anon asks #its Good and wholesome and warms my heart #Anonymous

[heyitscmei]

so i see theres some theory talk floating around

but this post isnt really to do with theories so much as characterization

i had a whole thread over on twitter but ill just copy and paste some thoughts here in regards to one particular post ive seen floating around and some posts linked within im not trying to start fights or anything, im just expressing some thoughts of my own which is why im not linking to the post in question anyways

just a reminder, keith isnt a good liar so unless he became a good liar in the time that shiro was gone, i sincerely dont think he was lying to shiro when he told him that the team needed him

but whether or not he became a good liar or not, one thing is certain based on what weve been shown:

keith is a capable leader, but he still hasnt quite grown into the role yet

keith still hasnt quite learned how to pick his battles

thats why i dont think its quite right to say that hes more capable of a leader than shiro with time, he could be thats something even shiro himself saw in keith: potential 

however something thats been made clear to us is that keith still needs to learn a little

shiro on the other hand, has experience being in a leader role hes the garrisons golden boy, the pilot of the kerberos mission and he was the head of voltron for a reason black chose him for a reason

he is capable he is a role model for keith keith tells shiro that the team needs him that he cant do it and isnt as good of a leader as shiro because its what he believes to be true

keith is honest and straightforward he knows hes lacking and he doesnt try to pretend that hes a perfect leader he KNOWS hes still struggling between doing what he WANTS to do and doing what he SHOULD do - with accepting that the things he wants to do arent necessarily good for the team to be doing

hes grown immensely in the time he has been leader, but hes not the leader they need to defeat lotor not the way he is right now and he KNOWS that

as for shiro... i can agree that maybe leading voltron gave him control something that hed been robbed of in his captivity but i also dont think that hes the type to really let things like betrayal or jealousy or whatever cloud his vision shiro from the start has always seemed to put their purpose before himself hes never given the impression of being a selfish enough person to have issues over who the leader is he seems more likely to be the type to think 'if this is what it takes, well do it this way'

i think hes being genuine when he says hes glad the team didnt lose sight of things in his absence because thats just how he is hes glad that his absence didnt become their undoing because hes only one person winning the war means saving a lot more than that hes proud of them for that because thats shiro thats what hes like selfless but driven

not once has he ever complained about being thrust into this war even though hes got more than enough reasons to complain because he sees this mission and he knows its for the greater good he knows first hand how bad it can be he wants to spare people from that its like hes selfless to a fault so i dont think he actually has any issues with feeling left out or feeling as though hes the odd one out from the team if that were really the case, i dont think hed guide from the castle as easily as he is theres no reservations or hesitation he doesnt seem to think 'im not part of this anymore' so much as 'im part of this, but in a different way from usual'

keith is so willing to step aside for shiro because ultimately he still believes wholeheartedly that shiro is most suited to lead

keith has never cared about claiming or holding onto the leader position

now in the interest of explaining why i dont think the reasons the OP of the post mentioned that make shiro a bad leader dont actually make shiro a bad leader, i addressed each reason individually so 1) in regards to when shiro tries to carry lance outside after lance protects coran from the bomb

why does he do it? well its not a good idea to leave an injured teammate alone, for one for two, if the explosion was within the castle, its pretty reasonable to think the castle isnt safe either ultimately, while the castle is big, you dont want to be cornered in the very place that the galra are likely to infiltrate

what are the galra after? the lions where are the lions? in the castle where will the galra be going then? the castle so where do you not want to be with your injured teammate? the castle

not to mention, without the crystal, the castle is generally nonfunctional the chances of lance being okay are ultimately greater if shiro gets him out of the castle at least, its a risk shiro is willing to take

why tell pidge to come back when shiro will have the easier time getting lance to safety? not to mention shiro is already there with him its not like he could tell when exactly pidge would be done sending coran and hunk off theres also no telling how long it would take for pidge to get to them its not a wise decision to just stay put inside the enemies main target while knowing the team was so separated

tell allura to come back? let keith check the arusian village by himself? thats not a smart idea either we know that it was ruse to separate them, but the team didnt know that at the time dramatic irony

so from shiros perspective, its better if allura and keith go to the arusian village together because at least they have an ally to watch their backs in the event that something is wrong you dont hear that a village is under attack and assume it wont be dangerous safety in numbers    

2) regarding shiro and his decisions about when to fight and when not to fight

its worth mentioning that first and foremost, shiro never makes a decision that he doesnt wait for the others inputs on hes not the type to force them to do something if the majority disagrees with his decisions

but a very important thing about being a leader is knowing when to choose your battles this is especially emphasized in s3 however, whether to fight or retreat hasnt always necessarily been dependent on whether the odds are in their favour or not

one such exception is when they decided to take on zarkons command center

shiro knew that keith was right when he said theyd be bringing zarkon exactly what he wants he wasnt ignoring him shiro was the one who said himself that the odds would be against them even in season 1 it isnt as though he suddenly changed his mind what changed was that they had allura

and allura is a lot more than just a part of the team shes the altean princess shes the true leader of the entire damn war shes too important for them to lose

things they lose if they lose allura? - the ability to wormhole, thus reducing their mobility by a great deal - a key figurehead in the war and the person who best handles the talks and meetings with the other planets

not to mention that she has powers all of them lack, including coran

someone like that isnt exactly easily replaced

shiro said it himself when the others reminded him he was the one who said they shouldnt take on zarkons central command at first they had no choice but to attack zarkons command center

they had to try because, the way he probably saw it, the war was as good as lost if they didnt save allura anyways

in s2 when zarkon manages to keep finding them, keith says they can fight that they should fight (this is actually considered a flaw that he needs to overcome, and is addressed in s3 - he needs to learn to choose his battles) but shiro says that they dont stand a chance against zarkon and his entire fleet

again, he didnt just suddenly change his mind and hes not being hypocritical in any way he explains why they cant because keith doesnt know how to pick his battles yet

they pull back, because shiro doesnt yet see a chance for them to come out of the battle victoriously theyre not prepared yet

later when shiro says that they will be attacking, its different its on their terms its not him listening to keith because he suddenly saw an error in his own judgement or whatever this is shiro acknowledging that there is an advantage to be gained this way they have a chance here that isnt more likely to leave them all dead thats called picking your battles

shiro isnt a bad leader for it in fact, its exactly what will make keith a better leader in s3

3) regarding shiro and keith and leadership 

shiro does not have 'a lot of nerve' to tell keith that he has to control his emotions if hes going to lead

shiro is well aware of the fact that sometimes, when youre put into a position where youre responsible for not just yourself, but a whole team of people, you cant let your judgement be clouded by emotions sometimes the things you have to do are not always the things you want to do

its true that keith is rational and can make smart decisions, but in the context of when shiro says this to keith its because he acknowledges that keith still lets emotions cloud his vision sometimes and the scene prior was one of those times you cant lash out at your team you have to talk to them properly thats the kind of thing shiro is trying to have keith understand

(and for the record, the decision to attack zarkons command center was not a decision that seemed to be based on emotion. at the time they attacked, shiro was not aware of the control zarkon still had over the black lion, so he couldnt have been scared of that and sure he might have been scared about what would happen to himself, to allura, to the team, but it was a risk they had to take because allura is too crucial to their mission - thats not an emotional decision its a smart one)

but hes not saying "dont be like me" to keith when he says keith has to control his emotions hes saying this because he acknowledges that keith has potential but he also acknowledges that his potential is still hindered by things that keith needs to work on and overcome

also, keith going against zarkon was not emotionally driven it was more likely keiths idea of a way to gain a huge advantage in the war no emperor to lead automatically means that the opposing side is weakened substantially

it wasnt necessarily the right thing to do either keith had no idea of what zarkon was capable of (pick your battles - going in blind isnt exactly advisable and coran even TELLS him not to do it. coran has been shown to have known more, which is a given considering he was present 10000 years ago)

also shiro doesnt have blind faith in keith for a long time now, canon has been hinting that shiro and keith have a backstory shiro knows keith better than anyone else because the rescue from the garrison was very clearly not their first meeting ("its good to have you back", “its good to be back”)

also the insinuation that shiro is not fit to lead because he has ptsd... yikes i dont think i need to elaborate on why exactly that implication is yikes-worthy

its true that keith displays leadership potential early on in the show but this doesnt necessarily mean that shiro isnt a good leader and that keith is automatically better

shiro isnt perfect, but hes a great leader canon has told us time and time again that keith has to grow into the role

(also the reason keith follows shiro and not the other way around: shiro changed his life. shiro is a positive person in his life and keith both trusts and relies on him because shiro didnt give up on him. this is why he follows shiro)

shiro doesnt "hold him back" shiros done nothing but push keith forward and support him keith would be insulted if someone thought shiro was any less than his biggest supporter (”if it wasnt for you, my life would have been a lot different”, “shiro is the only person who didnt give up on me -  i wont give up on him”) shiro showing keith reason and explaining why they cant follow through on some of the things keith wants to do isnt "holding him back"

its true keith sees a lot of good stuff in shiro but the same is true for shiro to keith its mutual and shiro tells keith he wants him to lead voltron not because he doesnt want keith to follow him and wants to follow keith instead he tells keith this because shiro acknowledges that sometimes in war, things happen he could die and hes had some close calls he wants keith to lead because he knows he can trust keith to lead the team he knows that if keith leads, even if hes gone the team will be left in capable hands hes been trying to nurture that

4) in regards to keith stopping pidge from leaving and shiro stopping keith

keith is right about pidge putting two people over the universe however shiro is right about how you cant force people to be part of the team you dont nurture bonds that way you dont build a team that way

why? how do you expect to build a functioning team if a member is reluctant to be part of it

personally speaking, when i dont want to do something i dont end up doing the thing as well as i could be and im unhappy doing the thing the whole time

thats not good for the team shiro knows this and so, if pidges mind really cant be changed, he wont force her to stay also, paladins can be replaced and im sure shiro knows that considering when they first met allura, she asked them what happened to the blue lions paladin they know there were paladins before they know that they are not the first they are not the only paladins

it wouldve set them back, but if they really needed to, theyd look for a new green paladin to take pidges place you cant fight a war with someone who isnt willing to fight a war

also to say that shiro doesnt care about finding the holts as much is just.. first of all, weve established that shiro puts their purpose first im more sure that he wants to find them and just knows they dont have the time to put all their focus on finding two people when a universe is at stake

whether they have to find a new green paladin hinges on pidge, but hes not going to force her to stay besides, forcing someone to stay and fight a war... it doesnt sound like a good idea, ultimately keiths heart is in the right place and he has the right idea, but theres more to being a leader than telling people what to do its a job that requires understanding, especially for the people within the team

its true it wouldve been dangerous for pidge, but shiro is a recently escaped captive from the galra empire this, in addition to who he seems to be as a person... i think the last thing he wants to do is keep someone somewhere against their will and force them into doing something

and shiro telling keith he wants him to lead wasnt him trying to force the role on keith he was trying to give voltron the biggest winning chance in the event that he would be unable to lead them (for obvious reasons considering theyre fighting a war)

and thats about everything i have to say but im just leaving these here to organize some of those thoughts its kind of a mess but i tried to address everything i order as best as i could

#voltron #shiro #keith #meta #for lack of a better term #idk what to call this #but i wanna have a place i can easily access it so thats as good as any #cmei rambles

[fairycosmos]

is your most fun times and all of my old friends are having good time but i dont and i hate going that school entering those buildings doing the same routines over and over. i dont even study my gpa is bad. im a loser in every aspects of life. i didnt dream it this way dude. it hurts to think that i'll be like this forever,im scared bc i know i cant handle one more year like this... im sorry for this negativity,i just had to tell this to someone... thank you for listening :)

hey, it’s okay. i totally get it. first of all, don’t believe all that ‘college is the best time of your life’ bullshit. that’s not necessarily true and it’s not like only one portion of your life is going to be happy and golden, that’s just a myth perpetuated by middle aged people that are stuck in the past tbh :/ i’m really sorry to hear that things didn’t turn out the way you thought they would. it always hurts when that happens and it can sometimes feel like you’ll never move past it, but the simple fact is that you will. life goes on, it doesn’t stop for anybody and that can be a good and a bad thing.

you said that your first year of college was super difficult, right? and yet you still managed to get through it, you were still strong enough and resilient enough to make it to the end of the year. that’s really something that you should be genuinely proud of. however, that doesn’t mean that this year will be as bad as the last one - and even if it is, now you know that you can rely on yourself to get through it. but try not to get stuck in the negative mindset of just expecting things to turn out wrong, bc that just makes it more likely that they will. if you look at the upcoming year with a fresh, upbeat approach then it’ll be easier to handle. even if you have to force yourself to do it at first. whenever you catch yourself worrying about it, make the conscious effort to combat the negative thought with a positive one. change your internal monologue so that it helps you rather than stresses you out. make a list of all of the good things about college: amazing opportunities , the chance to meet new people, the chance to make a difference. 

when it comes to the issue with your friends, i can totally relate. finding people that you really truly click with is really difficult, a lot harder than most people realize. however that doesn’t mean that you won’t ever find them, you know? try to keep putting yourself out there. you don’t need your friends to join clubs with you, join them on your own and see if there’s anybody that you really get along with. you have to take that first step, it’s crucial. and i know it’s scary, i totally understand that. but your brain is making it seem a lot worse than it will be. it’s just a club, and if you hate it or if you don’t like the people then you never have to go back again. but it’s definitely worth a try. all you can really do is put yourself into situations where meeting new people is likely, even if it feels nerve wracking and weird to do so. just try to be yourself and approach everyone with an open mind, and then others will be drawn to that and to you. making real friends is one of those things that just has to occur naturally and there’s not really a lot of advice to give about it bc i also struggle with it a lot lmao :/ but just keep in mind that great people can walk in and out of your life in a heartbeat - it just takes time, and patience. 

okay so this is the really important bit - you said you’ve been struggling with depression for 2 yrs now and honestly that must be really fucking hard to deal with and i’m sorry you’re going through it. since it’s a mental illness that will only get worse if let alone, i’d really REALLY recommend talking to someone about it if you haven’t already. i know you probably don’t want to but that’s genuinely the best way forward, and you want things to change, right? whether it’s the college counselor or your usual doctor, just make an appointment and see how it goes. they’ll be able to asses you and give you the care that you need, whether it’s therapy or medication or general support and advice. you don’t have to do this alone and there are A LOT of people that are going through what you’re going through, believe me. you have to treat it like a broken arm or a physical illness - it’s just as serious and it needs just as much attention from professionals. once you’ve talked to someone it might be a lot easier to talk to people and to let yourself enjoy things a little more, you know? it all comes back to your mental state and how you’re dealing with it. you need to make yourself a priority, okay?

check out these links if you want bc they might help - 

http://www.bestcounselingdegrees.net/10-great-tips-for-dealing-with-depression-in-college/

https://www.trade-schools.net/articles/college-depression.asp

http://www.learnpsychology.org/student-stress-anxiety-guide/

at the end of the day, you don’t know where you’ll be in a year. nobody knows what the future holds, so why bother torturing yourself over it? it’s probably going to be both good and bad, most things are. all you can do is take it one day at a time, and if that feels like too much, one hour at a time, even one minute at a time. stop thinking about the bigger picture for a while and try to focus on right now, on the present moment. you will handle whatever struggles and hardships you have to face this year, just as you did last year, and it WILL be okay. just breathe, know that you’re so much stronger than you think you are. try to get some help with your depression and just do what feels right for you, okay? that’ what matters here. i hope you’re alright. hmu if you want to talk more about it. i’m always here.

#long post

[hobjoon]

Are you going to announce who won??? (I'm curious to see what they wrote)

I don’t usually announce my giveaway winners but sure, I’ll list them down here. Everything that they wrote were all very simple but I relate to them. It’s simple but very touching, imo :’)

@hoseokskitten#hobiforreal#oh wow okay why I love Hobi so much#Of course there's the normal reasons: he's so bright and cheerful and happy all the time and he just wants to make everyone smile#But it's so much more than that it's hard to articulate into words#I love how passionate he is#Passions is such a beautiful thing... to love something so much that it burns in your veins and sets your soul alive#And it's so evident how passionate he is#passionate about dancing and about loving the other members and his family and his fans#and so passionate about growing and bettering himself and making himself the absolute best that he can be#and I love how empathetic he is#He really truly just wants to brighten everyone's lives and when someone he loves is hurting it hurts him so much#And I love how you can always tell what he's feeling because he can't keep his emotions off of his face he's so open#And to know that he suffers from anxiety as well and he fights through it and brightens so many people's lives in spite of the anxiety#it's so inspiring#he really does give me so much hope#When I first got into BTS the first thing I read about Hobi was that he chose his name because#'he wants to be a source of light and hope for his fans'#and I really connected with that immediately I had an immediate connection with him#Because that's what I want to be for people I want to make everyone happy I want to be a safe space for people#So I connected with him immediately and the more I've learned about him the more I see myself in him#and he really just inspires me to be a better a person#he gives me hope for my own future and he inspires me to be the best person that I can be and to reach out to people who are hurting#and like /especially/ with the anxiety I've been fighting anxiety for years and knowing that he has too just makes me love him even more#and it just gives me that much more hope because he's actively showing me that it can be done#he's doing it I can do it too#he's fighting his own demons and he's still out there bettering himself and being such a bright ray of light and hope for people#he really is my hope#my light and my love

@hobgi#first of all bless u val ur so sweet for doing this!!!#okay for the reasons why i love hobi (lets see if theres a tag limit omg)#he's so beautiful and stunning and pretty and hot and sexy like he's so gorgeous#the way his cheeks rise when he smiles and the way he claps his hands while he laughs#the fact that people even say that he looks better in person too??? the thought makes me dizzy like his beauty radiates sm off of pics#and vids of him...like i cant imagine seeing him in real life i would probably faint#and ofc i cant forget how talented he is#not just his amazing dancing but EVERYTHING he does#his rapping and his vocals#like he didnt have much experience in rapping before bts and now???#he has some of the most iconic bts rap verses???#like remember that one time a fan told him that he was her fave rapper and he was so touched by it????? im really happy he got to hear that#like me too sis#he's my role model#i really admire a lot of things about him#i love his energy and positivity#and how he's able to be anyone's friend and just attract ppl#he has this charisma that i really admire and i want to be that person too??#to be so full of life and being able to draw any person to you??? like he IS That Person#he loves bts so much and he takes care of everyone and makes them happy#and how he pushes himself so hard and never stops#he'll work so hard that his feet start to bleed#he dedicates sm of himself into perfecting everything he does for bts#and honestly none of us deserves him??? and it makes me so sad that ppl would bash on him bc#AND ONE OF THE BIGGEST REASONS WHY I LOVE HIM IS THAT#HE!! MADE!! A!! SONG!! ABT!! HIS!! MOM!!#like he's in his twenties he coulve wrote abt anything#he's really such a good hearted person who is full of energy and dedication and love#i lov him sm :(( and im so proud of him ;-;

@hobis-moving-castle#i love him because he always seems to put others before himself#because he works so hard to not only perfect the choreo for himself but helps his members too#because he gets all shy and blushes when someone compliments him#because he worked so hard to learn how to rap even though he felt so out of place so he could be a good rapper for his team#because even though they have gained so much success he always mentions how he wants to be even better for us#because all he ever wanted was to be able to make his parents proud#because of the way his little ears stick out when he  wears hats#because of how his smile is as almost as bright as his personality#because although his personality may seem bright there are times where he is struggling himself but he never fails to put on his dazzling sm#ile for others in order to be there hope#because he is sugas battery that helps him gain energy#because i he loves to collect cute little figurines that are almost as cute as himself#because of the adorable mole on his lip#because of the way his dimples show when he eats food#because his laughter is so contagious you cant help but smile#because he is an amazing dancer rapper and singer yet he still remains so humble#because of his passion and deidcation his applies to everything that he does#because of that booty tho#because even though he sings infront of thousands of people hes still gets scared easily#because every comeback he reveals even more of his talents and never fails to amaze me#because of the way he pouts when he is unhappy about somethin#because of his relationship with the other memers and loving and attentive he is to their needs#because hes loud and cheery and all the people around him never seem unhappy#because of the boy meets evil intro performance#hell every performance ever he gives his 110% and i cant begin to express how much i admire and appreciate him#he deserves the world honestly

@sunnyhoseoks#i love hoseok because i feel such genuine feelings of pride and adoration for him#he's worked so damn hard to get where he is#he's so under-appreciated sometimes but he continues pursuing his dream#he has this determination and fire that comes out in him when he's on stage or even just practicing#that boy belongs on that stage#its his passion and it shows in his bright and fiery personality on stage#it never fails to take my breath away#i believe that that boy can do anything and everything#and even though he'll never know who i am#i will do whatever i can to give him my full support#because i believe he has something special within him#and his constant brightness?#truly admirable#he always puts in 200% into whatever he does#and i can imagine that would get exhausting#because he's human after all#and everyone has setbacks#but he doesn't let it get in his way#he truly fights to constantly emit positive energy#all i want is for him to be truly and purely happy in his life#and to be able to live with confidence in all that he does#whether that be in bts or dancing or whatever#if it makes him happy and he's healthy while doing it then i will be behind him#hobiforreal#im sorry i kinda ranted but i feel very passionate about hobi

#i also got my best friend to read them all with me and help me picked #he doesnt know much about hoseok except for when i talk about him #but he liked these answers #he said it sounds sincere #anonymous #answered

[playfullyprofessional]

Life is kicking me in the ass right now and I really just need to rant so here goes,

I tried not to cry on christmas when I got a surprise visit from my 11 year old cousin. It had been a year since i last saw him, I was even more emotional when i realized his sister younger wasnt with him. I havn’t seen her since last christmas either or my aunt or grandma. My aunt has been an alcoholic for the past several years and when my parents realized they had become enablers they cut off all contact. Her and her children live with my disabled grandmother. My parents don’t talk to her either since she enables my aunt so much. My father says that she has to hit rock bottom before she can bounce back from the addiction. This makes all too much sense to me but whats hardest is watching my cousins fall to the bottom with her. We have called social services 4 times already and theres nothing that they can do. My cousin Danny is two years behind his classmates in most of his subjects. I wish i knew how his sister was doing but I haven’t seen her to know. It broke my heart to look into Danny’s eyes and see the pain behind his smile. I was always his role model. I stood there looking at him wishing i could save him from a pain i knew all too well. Two years ago before my family cut off contact I went to my aunts house to confront her, when I showed up the kids hadnt been fed and my aunt was passed out on the couch it took me an hour to wake her up. When I tried to tell Danny his mom was taking a nap, he looked at me and told me with normalcy that she was too drunk to wake up, but he said it was okay because he was going to make his sister a sandwich soon. I feel so fucking guilty that he suffers so young, I had to face my mothers addiction at 14 and I barely got through it alive. At least my mom came back to me, more and more it looks like my aunt is content to drink herself to her grave. It crosses my mind that my grandmothers days are also numbered. She might die thinking I hate her, in some ways I do. Her enablement stands between her grandchildren's well being...

the worst part is thats just the beginning,

My nightmares are back again, sometimes Im present as a ghost only able to observe as I listen to my mother tell my father that I was their greatest failure, that shes given up the idea of me amounting to anything. sometimes I am there physically as those closest to me disclose their true hate towards me before attacking me with barbaric objects leaving me in pieces unrecognizable, other times I have to watch those same people die in my arms without any ability to save them. Sometimes I see Brandt he asks me why i didnt call him when i said i would that if i had he would be alive. sometimes im haunted by the shrouded creature i call the darkness as he ruthlessly hunts me and tells me to wake up from what i believe is my reality and join him in his realm. At least I get to escape my dreams in the morning, other issues are not so easily addressed.

about a month ago my best friend of almost 8 years told me him and all my friends were mad at me, apparently they thought i was an asshole. Immediately i apologized and they all aired their grievances with me and I thought the problem had been solved. nonetheless i stand here a month later and most of them bother themselves with what i must assume is the nuisance of my presence. I struggle coming to terms with this. i struggle trying to discern if i am truly at fault for these so called crimes and I am the one to blame, or if they simply do not understand or appreciate me. Who is to blame, me or them? I suppose it doesn’t matter, assigning blame won’t mend these wounds.

that same friend of eight years was my confidant, my partner in crime, my brother, had always had my back. I rescued him from his home and offered him solace in mine. We had our disagreements but in that time i was happy, our plan was to move from my parents house and get our own place. over the holidays he went back to his parents so that he could get some surgery done. a few weeks later I asked him when we were planning on moving and he told me he had already signed a lease with someone else. He told me that he didn’t want to live with me because i was “overbearing” im still trying to discern what that means. I felt betrayed that he felt the need to go behind my back to live with someone else, to escape me I guess? I am trying to figure out whether or not we are even still friends, or if we even should be.

I’m a manager at a fast food restaurant, barely a part time student and still living with my parents, so hopefully it isn’t hard to understand why i dont feel like I have a purpose. I feel like I’m not amounting to anything and that thought is terrifying. I have this feeling like I should be doing more with my life than just existing. My mind is ruthlessly efficient which is more a curse than a blessing. my mind only sees that my existence is taking more from this world than it is contributing, the idea that if im not making a solution than I am only part of the problem in the world as a whole. that train of thought leads me to the conclusion that my entire existence is a waste of resources that could be better used reallocated to someone or something else that is actually doing something beneficial to this world. It was this same train of thought that one year ago made me wish those crimson red brushstrokes on my skin were vertical instead of horizontal. These days I’m not suicidal anymore but the thought of my wasteful existence is never far from my mind.

Then there is my love. She is the brightest star i have shining through the clouds. She is one of the few things that does bring purpose to my life. My whole life i felt like I was insufficient in every way. That i wasn't a good enough son, that i was a failure because my grades didn't match my intelligence, that i wasn't a good enough friend, I felt like i wasn't good enough because Brandt would still be alive if it weren’t for my incompetence because i was supposed to call him that night. But she was the first time that I felt like I was good enough. she loves me and everything that I am, I am sufficient for her love. even if I dont always feel like I deserve it. But still I am slipping, my anxiety is getting the best of me. she went out with her best friend and a couple of guys the other day and the shit part of my brain called anxiety jumped to conclusions that it shouldn't have. It told me that she was on a double date and made me think of endless possibilities I knew not to be true. i know that she loves me and would never hurt me but I am so afraid of losing her. she is the glue that is keeping me together, shes the only thing that constantly reminds me to be happy and shes one of the few people that can genuinely make me smile. In school they taught me about the withdrawals of drugs like heroin, but they never warned me about those intoxicating yellow-green eyes and how they would change my life. I know that its dumb but I only got to see her for three hours this week and it hurts my heart. I fear that im going to come off as clingy and scare her away but the truth is I need her. I just hope she can help me through this and I hope she will be proud when i come out stronger. 

#mine

[illtrytobegood]

Home for the Holidays: goodbye (1 of 3)

Cookie Bun:  Quinton watched shifter leave, before turning around to see gummy. This was one of the people who tried to eat him at school. Be didnt trust this guy…but it seemed like shifter did.“…..Hey.

GUMMY (LLA):  Gummy looked over to the strange cookie flower, he knew Shifter trusted them for some reason, but he was freaking out. Shifter was gone…he tried to compose himself before he finally said, "We need to find Shifter….” Cookie Bun: “….well…i agree with you on that….

GUMMY (LLA): Gummy gripped the exit candy tightly in his vine, he didn’t know how to feel about the cookie flower, he gave a shaky sigh, "Let’s check the park, then the library… he couldn’t have gone too far, not in the condition he’s in.”

Cookie Bun: “Oh…uh…o-okay.” Quinton forgot this place had a Park…he forgot alot places even existed. But that wasnt important at the moment, what was more important to him was finding shifter.

GUMMY (LLA): Gummy offered a vine to Quintion. "Here, follow me, we can look together”

Cookie Bun: “……Quinton was very hesitant…but he took gummys vine, with his own small chocolate vine.

GUMMY (LLA): Gummy gripped tightly on Quinton’s vine tightly and burrowed the two flowers into the park.  Gummy glanced around, unsure of where to look in the park first. "SHIFTER!”

Cookie Bun: Well, aside from getting pulled from place to place, quinton looked around for a few moments, before calling out.“SHIFTER? SHIFTER! SHIFTER WHERE ARE YOU?

GUMMY (LLA): Gummy dragged quintion around, looking around the park. he looked around noticing the large half omega, by a tree. What was Chimera doing? he went in closer. "Chimera, have you seen…” his voice trailed off seeing a flower being smooched by Chimera.

CuteCat: Shifter froze as Chimera’s mouth pressed against his face. His mind went blank - this had never happened before. He could not account for it, could not understand what it meant. Was this what they wanted of him? His leaves lowered and he just stared at the giant abomination that was kissing him in shock, not hearing anything else that was said to him.

(Dunal) Chimera: he pulls away after a moment, blushing a bright red right down to the tips of his petals, covering his face with his paws

Cookie Bun: Quinton eyes widened as he saw this. He mumbled something to himself, before staring at the floor.

Eclipse/Petals: “Uh.. see? We care!” Petals just smiled awkwardly. Third wheel, much.

GUMMY (LLA): Gummy looked shocked seeing Shifter being the flower of the smooch, looking at chimera… Those two were smoochbuddies…? Shifter had a smoochbuddy…? Gummy didn’t know why but it sort of hurt him…. he couldn’t place the feeling…Gummy shook his head, finally looking over to Shifter, “Shifter! Shifter, I got the candy for you”

CuteCat: Slowly, Shifter’s head tilted to the side. He was staring blankly at Chimera, his voice faded. “Is this why you tortured me?” He didn’t hear Gummy. He had been crying again, but now his gaze was all… wrong. Empty. … He started to laugh, loudly. “You really are all freaks!! It’s not even about him?!” He was bleeding, he was sure of it. He pulled the soul from his chest just to see how badly it was cracked and broken. “It’s all just so you can have fun. Like I tried to have fun.” He couldn’t stop laughing. Nothing he did or promised would stop them. They’d torture and kill him even if he helped Pointy. There was no way out. And that fact held a desperate hilarity.

Cookie Bun: Quinton didnt say anything. He was just eyeing down chimera.

(Dunal) Chimera: No, that isn’t-!

GUMMY (LLA): Gummy went closer to Shifter, he was terrified, this didn’t make sense, why did this…, “Shifter! Shifter, please don’t do anything you’ll regret!”

Eclipse/Petals: Petals was getting restless, unable to get Shifter to understand. “If you want to be like that, ITS ABOUT YOU, IDIOT. Thats why they want YOU to help, cause only YOU know how. Did you not even check out how many are trying to help him too? There are other also worried about you, jeez…”

SpaceConstellation: His head seemed to twitch from yET another argument abrewing in the distance

CuteCat: “Oh right.” Shifter looked straight at Petals, his smile stretching all across his face. “It’s for my own good. He put acid in my eye for my own good.” It had burned, it had hurt. It was for his sake. It was supposed to help him. “He almost decapitated me to make me happy.” He had choked, screamed, everyone staring and watching, telling him to let it happen. “He ripped out my throat over and over to save me.” Screaming, pleading, unable to move. No anesthesia. Unable to breathe. “He tried to keep me here because I’ll be happier that way.” Cut off from his friends, askers, people who wouldn’t hurt him. No way back. “He tore out my petal because I didn’t need it.” Tried to leash him. Cutting, hurting, laughing. Not giving it back. “He hugged and held and called me his baby all to comfort me.” Pleading didn’t help. Nothing helped. Bad touch. “He drugged me so I’d feel better.” Unable to even remember what he had done. “He put metal shards in my neck for my sake.” Painful static images. Couldn’t breathe. So much blood. His voice was getting more and more genuine the more things he listed. My sake. It’s about me.

Eclipse/Petals: Petals felt even worse now, and cringed as he went on. “I… Oh God, they all wanted to help you, but they did it half-way. C'mon Shifter, don’t let those dense people break you…” He went up to Shifter and hugged him, as awkward as it was.

SpaceConstellation: Ayye i could give y'all a piece of my mind for making things worse for him! Ah, he’s bloody innocent n all of you go n think he’s me. hAH I dont know whether to be proud of the insanity or absolutly miserable for bringing this upon him! he cackled, continuing to twitch and watch them in the distance

GUMMY (LLA): Gummy started shaking, tearing up as he heard Shifter talk. did he think that he was going to hurt him too…? did Shifter think he would…“Sh-Shifter….I….” Gummy gripped the candy tightly, he was a horrible friend… he should have come here faster, he should have… “I’m sorry…. I….”

(Dunal) Chimera: Chimera looked down, silent now and in obvious emotional pain

CuteCat: Shifter wrapped his vines around Petals, tightly. Too tight, not letting him move. He whispered to the other flower. “I’ll help you, too.” A third vine searched the ground until he located his knife, raising it and then moving to stab it through Petals’s stem.

Cookie Bun: Quinton stopped eyeing chimera, and floating over to Shifter *Shifter….He was at a lose for words….he knew what it felt like. People forced his to feel someway…others tried and eat him…and people he cared about the most betrayed him.

SpaceConstellation: hOLY FUCK A storms a-brewing! he howled in laughter as the glint of the knife caught his eye

Eclipse/Petals: Petals felt trapped, and with the ominous words Petals tried to escape. “Uh, S-shifter? Are you okay?-”  He did not notice the knife.

(Dunal) Chimera: Chimera moves to stop him, then hesitates Shifter….?

GUMMY (LLA): Gummy gripped the candy tighter, breaking it in half  as he started to worry. Gummy noticed how they candy broke taking part of it going towards Shifter, “SHIFTER! I CAN SEND YOU HOME!” He couldn’t take it anymore, he wanted to help shifter, he knew whatever was happening it was just like him before, Shifter was scared, he had to be… “SHIFTER PLEASE- j-Just listen to me!”  " ….I can….“ gummy sniffed, shaking. "I…”

CuteCat: Shifter dug the blade deep into Petals’s stem , then unwrapped his vines from his victim and backed up a step. “It’s for your own good,” he said, more amused than he had any right to be. He twisted and pulled the knife, not back, but to the right as he tried to slice most of Petals’s stem apart and cripple him. “You’ll thank me later.” He laughed, remembering those words. Immense, blinding, helpless pain with that little phrase attached. … Why were there tears in his eye? No matter. His insides were still bleeding. He wanted it to stop.

SpaceConstellation: WOOOOO! Hes laughing so freaking much stop that MUUUUUURDEEEERRRRR!

Nightmare (Celestia - Admin): Nightmare appeared next to Gummy and put a vine on him gently. Looked at him then on the place where Shifter was. He noned to this side, like… giving signal to someone. After a moment Candy appeared next to Shifter behind his back and used on him quick sleep magic.

Eclipse/Petals: When that slice cut through Petals stem, all he could do was open his mouth in a silent scream. “Don’t… be… 3…” was what he managed to croak out, just before fainting from the extreme pain

GUMMY (LLA): Gummy looked over to nightmare he was sobbing. he pulled out a few more vines, he just wanted his friend… he just wanted to help… why couldn’t he… “Shifter… pl… please….”  " I just…. I…“

Nightmare (Celestia - Admin): (will wait for CC response now, moment)

(Dunal) Chimera: Chimera just listens, crying Please, don’t…! Don’t do this….!

CuteCat: Shifter was cackling and crying at the same time, a deranged grin on his face, but before he could do anything else something struck him. He froze, faltering and swaying, trying to fight against it, but he was weak and within moments he had collapsed, dropping his knife and passing out. he picks up both fainted flowers in his paws No….

Nightmare (Celestia - Admin): Nigthmare took Gummy to his vines and hugged him, trying to make him calm down. "I-it’s okey… h-he is alright… just fell asleep…” He said also shivering and crying little.  He could come faster… if he only knew…

SpaceConstellation: HAHAHA! Castor had seemed fo limp toward them now wHAT A SIGHT!  look at em swirling eyes of murky green insanity~

Nightmare (Celestia - Admin): “Chimera! Take Petals to hospital! Now! We will take care of Shifter with Gummy…” He said still hugging friend.

SpaceConstellation: wHY did cha stop it? It woulda been nice to see an argument escalate that far! You gotta go aaaalllll the way or its useless!

(Dunal) Chimera: he nods, putting Shifter down and Petals in his maw, barreling at Castor with rage in his eyes

GUMMY (LLA): Gummy held nightmare tightly, he couldn’t stop crying, he couldn’t stop. his shaking wouldn’t stop, he was a horrible friend, he did everything he could and still… why couldn’t he be a good friend, he tried, he’s do anything… Shifter didn’t even notice him… it was like he…. “I… I just want to send him home… I j-just want him to be safe… I… just want…. ” Gummy’s grip tighted as he started to get thornier. he could hardly speak, “I just want…. to wake up….”

Eclipse/Petals: Petals barely reacted to the surroundings, still unconscious from the pain

SpaceConstellation: he sneered, sliding to the side and whipping his tailcoats like he was that person with the red flag n Chimera was the bull Too slooowww! Why dontcha take your rage into a tree?

Nightmare (Celestia - Admin): “SHUT UP!” He looked angry with his scary face at Castor. Then he pet little Gummy stem. “G-gummy… we must take Shifter to somewhere safe, without people which can hurt him… i-is he… is he even alright? Is someone hurt him physically? I must know!” He looked worried but tried to stay calm and help Gummy to calm down.

(Dunal) Chimera: he snarls, putting Petals beside him and quickly healing him before running at him again

Nightmare (Celestia - Admin): Candy after moment, came next to Nightmare, just listening with frown to talk.

SpaceConstellation: You charge with no clear sense of attack! And oh my dear Nightmare, dont flatter me with that look! he seemed to enjoy the scary face Nightmare made while sidestepping to the right again just as before

Cookie Bun: This whole thing was confusing. Everything had happened so fast… *…Wha…Shifter…why……

CuteCat: Unconscious as he was, Shifter could not move in any way and was thus easily carried. Small, too.

SpaceConstellation: Im not here to hurt anyone, seeing as everyone hurts tHEMSELVES! I would rarher talk thank you!

Eclipse/Petals: Petals twitched a little from the brief healing, but still did not wake up. Still stuck on the ground.

SpaceConstellation: he seemed to bubble with glee in the chaos

GUMMY (LLA): Gummy sniffed, he try to calm down, he could hardly get out the words, “I-I have space… he’ll be… safe…” he reubbed his eyes..pausing a moment as he tried to settle down, “ L-letep kept… stalking u-… I tried to stop hi-…. ”

(Dunal) Chimera: he manages to twist once he side steps and lunges right at him

SpaceConstellation: his hands lash out and stomp onto the beasts muzzle, propelling him up and over the beast instead of being smushed flat. Unfortunately momentum wise he lands on the beasts back

(Dunal) Chimera: he tries to buck him off, and Castor has a clear line of sight to his sensitive antenna, damaged speaker and vital soul tubes on the back of his neck

SpaceConstellation: His hands latch onto the back,  and once his legs are locked around in a stradle,  it’s awfully hard to buck him off. Stick man has great muscles in da legs or how would you poledance~? His whole mouth n teeth snap out to chomp into the antenna

Nightmare (Celestia - Admin): “Hm?” He didn’t understood the last words but at least understood that there is some place when Shifter can be safe. “O-okey… we… must go there… take Shifter with us and go there. I have few things in inventory for him if he will feel bad or will be hurt.” He looked at sleeping Shifter… “You should take him to your vines  Gummy… if he would wake up suddely it’s better for him to have you as close as it’s possible…”

GUMMY (LLA): Gummy nodded, rubbing his eyes one last time and going to grab Shifter, he wrapped him in his vines and carried him towards nightmare. “Follow me….”

(Dunal) Chimera: he screeches, desperately trying to claw him off, his antenna easily snapping, but giving his mouth a powerful zap in the process CuteCat:  Shifter was easily picked up, hanging limply in Gummy’s vines. SpaceConstellation: He twitches in pain from the zap, hair fizzling with electricity ,but it turns into a moan as he lets go and drops to the ground, since the reflex is to arch your back, thus tilting down. He hits the ground running in a sporadic way

(Dunal) Chimera: he instantly follows, even more angry now

SpaceConstellation: Im sO glad i flustered uou this way dear Chimera! Oh Guuuummmeeeeyyyyyyy!

(Dunal) Chimera: he starts moving faster, surprisingly fast for a beast his size

GUMMY (LLA): Gummy gripped Shifter tighter, extending a vine to nightmare, and attempted to burrow with the 2 in vine to the hotel room. He wasn’t going to let Shifter go no matter what. Nightmare (Celestia - Admin): Nightmare burrow with Gummy to some room in hotel. He looked little around at least here Shifter will be safe. Nightmare was silence for a moment. "I… don’t even know what exactly happened there… and… I don’t know if I want to know…“ He said sadly llooking at the floor.”

Cookie Bun: “Hey wait- “ Quinton teleports tot he hotel, looking around for nightmare, and gummy.

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