#i guess kinda just if anyone reading these ramblings in the void wants to read it eventually

[pangyham]

sorry to anyone who has to see this HAHAHA i think it's a little fun to ramble to.. a void i guess. i'm typing this under the assumption no one's gonna read it, let alone find it, so, sure, i'll talk!

on pangytine, my current and only instagram account, i sometimes get these spontaneous urges to post a huge a long overdue thank-you paragraph to my followers on my story. gratitude for indulging my artistic endeavors when i still had tangypine. i just never did it because.. well it's kinda.. cheesy... i had no idea how to deliver it in a way that didn't seem dramatic or "humble" because cmon, i'm not that relevant. It felt a bit weird addressing it because it just made it seem like i was this huge influencer who suddenly disappeared (and yes i know i was technically considered a big artist on both ig and twitter but.. it's not like i was unique; i think.. the state of Fandom and the art community these past few years makes accumulating thousands of followers a little less unattainable, and i was one of those artists. and my work is not phenomenal- i did not leave an impact on the art community. but these nuances will just have to be generalized for now because i think you all know what i mean) and so i couldn't help but laugh and cringe and think, "i am not this relevant-" because i really wasn't. why make a big deal out of it?

but i can't help it being a little dramatic though, because i still get emails from my followers asking where i am, and i get comments and messages on pangytine ("i finally found you!"), and i even get messages from my shop's contact form! a shop that i've abandoned for months! and my heart swells. I don't want to dismiss that; i think i will always be a sensitive, emotional person and so stuff like this just makes me overwhelmed. it's sweet, and it will never fail to make me a little bit nostalgic and thankful. I will always have a soft spot for tangypine and my time spent in the anime + genshin communities… i dunno.. people are just so kind and i'm thankful i've encountered a lot of them

i've been a lot less.. chronically online (LOL) that the thought of having 200k followers is completely foreign to me. i forget that i had a huge following, that people actually looked at my stuff. I dont mean for this to come across as modesty though because i'm just being honest, truly. but this just makes the occasional "where are you? i miss your art" hit a little harder 🥲 i mean, i was able to somehow sell my art through tangypine. i was able to do commissions.. had so many say they loved my art- of course a part of me misses that. i don't think i yearn for it, and knowing that makes me a little sad.

i genuinely am thankful for every kind comment people have left me, and every kind message. I think i'm just ultimately thankful i had a kind following. people are so nice! and that's what i wanted to say, that's all ive always wanted to say before i deleted my accounts. here it is

aha and again i dont really expect anyone to see this (except maybe a few handful just because my very first post here has a whopping 4 notes, me included, and that genuinely shocked me HAHAHA). perhaps i just find closure in publishing these particular thoughts somewhere, and here they are sorry this is cringe to the people who read it. my friend once told me i'm notorious for overexplaining. This is will be the only time i get to say this, so gah whatever. i don't think i can bring myself to post this lengthy ramble on my more public account on instagram

#tangy says something to the void

[silly-self-destruction]

Welcome to the fuckery

Please don't feel inclined to stay but if you do here's some things this blog may contain you should watch out for!!

Tw/cw's

Self/harm

General self destructive behavior

Negative self talk

Uhh vauge posting I guess?

Will add more if needed to cover all my bases

Disclaimer

I ain't condoning anything here. I'm talking bullshit.

just putting this here as a "Don't try this at home" type deal.

If your already going to do something unsafe i can't do anything to stop that, unfortunately. In no way am I encouraging that.

If it sounds like I'm glorifying or romanticizeing anything I'm only applying those feelings towards myself. I'm super pro-recovery. just leave me be to ramble.

Navigation tags?

I don't care much about tags but it makes it easier for me to navigate the shit i do and say here, and if your reading this maybe you care too. Idk.

#Tis rant time I guess

This is the tag I use for posts that involve me ranting about some stupid shit in my life or otherwise.

#Me fucking trying

This tag is for posts where I try and get my shit together and not be so unhealthy or smth. Not sure how much it'll get used tho.

About me or something?

Call me whatever the fuck you want, I litterly don't care. Any pronouns and any gendered terms. Who am I? You decide! Concoct an image of me in your head, make something up, use your damn imagination.

I'm a little bit pathetic but that's kinda the whole point of this blog. Me being pathetic.

I am friendly but we probably won't make good freinds if your seeing me off this sideblog considering im wildly different from the shit I'll probably say on here. Take that in whatever way you want. Oh also I'm under 18 if you don't like interacting with minors (that's totally chill I get it.)

This blog is...

Primarily me complaining. This blog is for me and not for you, I'm sure your great but this is MY chaos blog and I ain't going to sacrifice that to make it interesting or digestible for nobody.

It's public, sure, but I doubt anyone will see it, the plan is to scream into the void and nothing else.

I'd prefer if you didn't report me, just block me. I'm not going to post or re-blog photos of S/H or anything along those lines.

[encomiumreanimated]

I did make the other blog but I still have some stuff I need to do before I reach out with it or anything, I do have news though!

I have started looking into learning Enochian, mainly because I was curious as to what I could find, but the more I read up on it the more right it feels honestly.

There's one kind of glaring issue though

It's incredibly difficult to learn a language that no one can really confirm if any of it is true, because halfway through the angels stopped communicating fully so it's kind of just years of guessing and maybe getting an answer of confirmation every once in a while.

I'm still determined to learn, genuinely more determined than I even was with English, so I'm going to figure it out! If anyone is interested in learning about it or teaching themselves, I can message my sources but they're a bit difficult to read ( all in English so far, the way it's phrased and the words used keep throwing me off, my reading comprehension might not be cut out for these types of books lmao ).

I'll most likely post the link to my new account in the morning if I can, hell, if there's enough want to learn Enochian, I might make a discord so we can learn together, which might make it easier.

The more I think about English class the more I realize that I definitely should've paid closer attention, because the amount of run on sentances and fucked up amount of commas is probably making this a mess to read, so I'm gonna end this here :)

I never think out posts and just kinda ramble into the void, so I hope my ramblings make some sort of sense, if clarification is needed on anything, let me know!

#fictionkin #otherkin #otherkin things #enochian #please help me #old languages are a pain to learn #If this comes off as me begging someone to learn with me its because I am- #having more than just me look for references would help me a lot I think #I'm gonna die

[altamente-inflamavel]

lil ranty ramble bc no one follows me and i want to say shit into the void also if someone read all of this let me know if i forgot any tws in the tags

ive been more stressed than ever with college + working 2 freelance jobs (theyre freelance but i have a steady amount of work in both, so no fixed schedule just a billion deadlines which makes me want to rip my scalp off)

i know im really stressed out when the palms of my hands start to kinda peel off. some lil blisters appear, the next day they pop and just become peeling skin. its kinda satistying to peel the skin so i dont use moisturizer or anything, i just have fun with it, but anyway the point is: built up stress

i have a really hard time dealing with stress and anxiety (by which i mean anxiety inducing situations, im not diagnosed with anxiety) because they put me in a kinda self destructive mood. not like in a self harm way, just drinking too much, hooking up with strangers (which is not a bad thing, just not my thing. ive used it as a kind of escape before), sometimes just sleeping so i dont have to deal with anything.

so thats where im at.

i have a birthday to go to today but my back hurts from working on my computer all day but also i wanna make terrible decisions and this would be a great opportunity. also my ex and his current girlfriend will be there so thats great

which brings me to lil ranty ramble part II: 2 ranty 2 rambly

i feel SO ALONE even though i know i have lots of friends, some truly are like family to me but i just dont feel like i fully trust anyone so i dont open up i dont talk about my problems or how im feeling or anything i just make jokes and im funny and silly and giggly. and i love being funny its what i like the most about myself (along with my boobs) but like oh my god how can you be friends with a person you know nothing about

i know thats not 100% true they know me and have been with me through some of the worst moments of my life and they still love me and blablabla i was diagnosed with depression like 8 years ago i know how this goes

but ya know what they say it do be like that sometimes (and it sucks

but yeah i guess thats what going on up in the cuckoo's nest haha lol

if anyone read this, thank you for being here

#tw depression #tw self destruction #tw stress #tw anxiety

[dispatches-from-the-lorecord]

Forrest’s jirachi has a history with the Voices

[February 4, 2023]

{Haji:}

This post came across my dash, and remind me to ramble about Jirachi :HYPERRACC:

But the long of it is we have a history with Jirachi that makes me wonder what it even IS in the TPP verse

{Mitzi:}

revo :WutFace:

{Haji:}

Oh yeah, including Dev powers if we include Revo :Keepo:

So if Forrest was given form or freedom or whatever with Jirachi's help, it's... Possibly plotting something

See, in my hc, Jirachi really doesn't like us. And by Us, I mean Voices because it has worked with Hosts before, it's just that it seems 9/10 Jirachi only ever comes with us under weird circumstances so it's a matter of the host getting its trust.

Unfortunately, only one host I think has managed to not break that trust, which again is why this thing doesn't like us :tppWowee:

(that host being Petra btw. Still under weird circumstances, but Petra is a girl who gets it because Glitchmancy)

I'm not sure what the relationship is with Marina, but I'm not so familiar with later Metro Sapphire lore

The point is, in my lore Jirachi itself is The Wish Maker, a shapeshifting Glitch of the highest rank (because in my lore the Glitches have a hierarchy. This goes all the way back to S2 lore when someone coined the term for the level of glitch possessing XD was a Corporal) maybe even up there with Phancero, possibly just below it

{Newbie:}

...this gives me a new way of looking at the whole Forrest-Jirachi dynamic, ngl

{Haji:}

Yeah which is why rereading that conversation on the archive post made me go "wait... AHHHHHH :HYPERRACC: "

The shapeshifting idea came up in RandY when we rescued "Yveltal" but it was randomized to Jirachi. We failed to catch it and when we tried again, the cutscene and battle apparently counted separately so it got re-randomized to Registeel. Most of us joked Jirachi was pissed and summoned a mech to come after Venus and she's just running around the corner chamber screaming while throwing Pokeballs behind her. Because it's a scripted battle, so if we ran away from it, the game was like "Yveltal wants you to fight!" And just starts the battle again so no escape, had to catch 😂

Then we had Wooper 1 where the lore was Santa's Delibird can make all your wishes come true because it's bag is apparently a void you can draw anything from. Then it turned out to be a glitch and we teased that's the source of Santa's magic because he glitched several times too like frozen flying animation, going invisible, opening holes in the wall ect. Rocket Boss Shawn said he wanted to use Delibird to summon endless Master Balls, which is more of a Missingno trait but whatever

And then Petra got her Jirachi through debug menu. Like I said, she kinda gets this thing in the way Santa did. Fun Glitchmancy to do (relative?) good in the world unlike what happened with Goomtha, Shawn, Lysander, and Venus shoved it in the box (because while Yveltal is scripted to join the party, somehow the randomizer broke that part I guess since we failed the cutscene battle. So there was no prompt to add it to the team). Auguste probably falls into that category too now since he was bffs with this thing and then it got killed and he got cursed so.... :KEKWhands:

And I laughed to imagine the Registeel Mars found when looking for Cobalion is actually Jirachi using it's mech again to tell the Voices to fuck off as the old man in the cave told us the legendary hiding there has a deep hatred of humans after all it's been through

ALL ANYONE WANTS IT FOR IS ITS POWER :HaunterFU:

Which... Not wrong. Even if the Voices would like to befriend it at some point this history cuts deep

{Newbie:}

i seem to recall reading about an encounter with jirachi in storm silver and how chat ended up choosing to wish for money instead of a battle to catch it :Kappa:

{Haji:}

This would not surprise me 😅

So yeah, Jirachi trying to help Forrest is interesting to me. Whether as a fellow glitch and it feels pity for the little one facing the cruel reality of how humans treat Glitches or it's because it feels a deeper connection with him and genuinely grants him a wish because he's deserving of it, this is... Well... Interesting for me to analyze further

also I need to see the new Pinocchio since I hear the depiction of Blue Fairy has an interesting interpretation

But what are your thoughts? :BegWan:

{Newbie:}

i mean, i put a lot of my thoughts in the fic i wrote. Forrest -- before he's Forrest -- is the glitch that sprang out from Quotes's bag and nearly killed her in Hoenn, the Voices lash out and toss him into the sea, Jirachi finds this glitch with remnant Voice-energy clinging to it and is like... "if this is an ally, the last thing i want is to abandon it. but if this is an enemy, i should probably have a countermeasure in place". so they turn Forrest into a human (defenseless, powerless on its own, the alternative was a Pokemon that could possibly run amok) and are like "ok, if you can prove you aren't dangerous, i can make you not a glitch. you've got x amount of time until that new body falls apart" and then dumps him in Unova

{Haji:}

I remember this :Burrito1:

{Newbie:}

jirachi shows up early in redux and replaces the bianca tutorial, so it like... seemed appropriate that it would be involved somehow

the fact that it took two separate attempts to catch jirachi gives me some Thoughts about forrest's whole potential-revenge arc. especially with the idea of glitches as corrupted casualties to destroyed worlds.

"you have too much anger in you," the wishmaker says, eyes critical.

forrest balls his fists. the Voices murmur uneasily in his head. "don't you think i have a right to be angry?"

"you do."

"then what's the issue?"

"i said you needed to prove yourself benign." jirachi coils its ribbons around its body, gaze still placid and bored. "you have yet to do that."

"that--"

"you have three months left until that body gives out on you. it seems you have your work cut out for you, host. until then."

there is a brilliant flash of light, bright as burning stardust. when forrest blinks the dots from his eyes, jirachi is gone, and the dreamyard is nothing but mist and empty space and stone walls that echo with the aftermath of an unrealized miracle

something like that, is how i imagine it going :RaccAttack:

{Haji:}

I have no idea why but I just had the random image of

~Three years earlier~

Hughr: [Making a wish on the wishing star. He's going through a bad time right now] Send me a friend who won't run away. Maybe you could send me an angel! The nicest angel you have...

~Cut to later with Quotes getting fucking murdered over here~

Uh.... He'll get there eventually :Keepo:

{Newbie:}

the other idea i'm now having is that Jirachi actually encouraged this and is trying to stoke a conflict between the hosts or something. maybe it thinks the Voices and their allies are getting too much power or something 🤔

{Haji:}

That I could definitely see

Like I said, this thing has NO reason to like us

oh shit, would that explain the PWT and why Forrest has to fight everyone?

{Newbie:}

jirachi teleports people who specifically have info on glitches and reality fuckery and drops them in forrest's path to stoke the fire

and then holds the whole "you're on a timer" thing over his head for even longer 🤔

{Haji:}

Forrest befriends them all, both confusing Jirachi and making it go "Well I guess that works too" because of the benign thing :tppLUL:

YOU LOSE, WISHMAKER

#twitch plays pokemon #tpp #lorecord archive #randomized y run #volt white 2 redux run #debug rubin run #jirachi #registeel #petra #44x n y #santa #44x n y is a glitch #santa's delibird is jirachi #glitches #loremaker haji #loremaker newbie

[tractorbeamofwoe]

okay so I’m kind of in a weird place rn and idk what to do. I don’t really know how to explain how I’m feeling so just bear with me but I feel like I’m sort of losing interest in catb tumblr/the fandom (I think that’s become pretty evident over the last year with me reblogging mainly non catb related stuff). I think it’s mainly due to just not having any more new content to post about so seeing all the same posts on my feed is getting boring and talking about all the same things is just sort of losing its appeal for me. I’m over the split now, I’ve moved on.

TLDR (if you don’t wanna read my whole rambling speech below the cut): Basically I’m taking a break from/leaving catb tumblr in favour of other fandoms that are more active because I feel like I’m screaming into the void here currently but I am going to continue writing, though there will be some other fandom stuff thrown in there

But at the same time it’s losing its fun because I don’t talk to anyone really anymore. Like i barely get interactions anymore and I feel like I’ve been blacklisted or shunned or something ?? Like I feel like I’ve done something wrong so that I’m being ignored or there’s a quiet mutual dislike of me but idk what ? I can tell it’s stemmed from like the last two dramas that I got involved in but like considering some people reached out and were reassuring me and made me feel like we’re on good terms and now are just acting like I don’t exist...I’m ngl kinda stings a bit. I really loved and valued the friendships I had with people on here and I loved this tight little community we had where we’d all support each other but in the last year I think catb tumblr has lost that aspect.

I know I haven’t written much in the last year but even when I do it’s like months of work just for it to get one like and it’s just not exciting or rewarding or inspiring me to keep going anymore if anything it’s just becoming a chore and is kind of draining. I LOVE writing don’t get me wrong and I still have so many WIPs that I’d like to get finished but I just cannot be bothered to do that knowing I’m gonna be really proud of it and it doesn’t even get read.

This part is just aimed at the fandom in general so please don’t feel like you’ve done anything wrong but I think I’m gonna start unfollowing a load of catb blogs too. Because where I used to like every single post, every ask, every reblog, every picture on my dash and leave comments I now just skim through my TL and just sort of like the odd one or two posts. But that’s the thing, I always made an effort to like every post I saw so people felt seen and didn’t feel like they were screaming into the void, but I don’t feel like I ever got anything like that back and I myself these days just feel like I’m talking to a brick wall.

Like I said, I’ve still got loads of WIPs so I’m not gonna stop writing for catb (and this doesn’t apply to Inhaler, I adore the inhaler fandom on here and I’d like to spend more time getting to know my Inhaler mutuals. Still gonna write those Sam WIPs too) but I’m also part of so many more fandoms now that I’ve actually been wanting to write for for a while now but never did because I felt tied down to only writing for catb. I’ve been talking about the idea of rebranding for a while and again never really had the guts to do it but this time I think I might, just need to decide how I’m gonna do it first.

So I guess uh shameless self plug if you’re into britpop or stranger things or just movies I guess then stick around :)

[lissandela]

It’s 3:30 am and I’m awake as per usual because I never sleep, but if anyone reads this, it might be far later. It’s always after midnight where the introspective thoughts strike as well as the depression, but it’s not depression that is motivating anything.

I was thinking about why people get into cosplay and the nature of wanting cosplay fame and what not. There was a twitter thread that I read yesterday and a subsequent conversation that kinda sparked my thoughts a bit. People often wonder why others try to get involved heavily with numbers and guesting and all the trappings of that and try to assign blame.

I don’t really think there’s a person you can *blame*, more like the pandemic. Sure people were monetizing and trying to influence before Covid messed everything up, but it really took off during the lockdown and boy it did it. I say that because I got swept heavily up into it once that initial no con depression hit (which is a whole ‘nother thing for those who know what I’m talking about).

During the pandemic, there were so many new cosplayers which honestly gave me great joy because I love this hobby (but not so much the community (another post for another time)). I also remember how impressionable I was starting out. There wasn’t a lot of people emphasizing important things nearly as much as they do today. Or maybe they did on twitter or other places, I’m not sure.

Anyway, I was heavily influenced by what I saw and what others did and I don’t blame any of the newer cosplayers for feeling like they had to care about numbers or influence others. It was kinda like the one time I had a discussion with a friend about how weird it is for female cosplayers starting out because there’s this underlying pressure to show skin/do more lewd costumes. This was like 4 years ago so I’m sure it’s changed now but it really felt like that’s what you had to do to get big.

Because that’s the dream right? Getting big, getting on the stage, getting paid to travel to cons. It sounds like a ton of fun but I’m sure someone would tell you that it starts out but does not remain that way. Personally I can’t speak to that since I’m as casual it comes these days or always if you ask certain people.

And inevitably when you talk about getting big it’s always going to involve numbers. Whoever tells you that the whole social media cosplay game doesn’t involve numbers in some way is lying. I wish it didn’t come down to that, god I wish. In fact I’m staring into that void as twitter is slowly combusting because thats where my popularity is located. Quite a few cons require you to have a certain amount of followers/social media presence before they even look at you. Others want you to have worked with companies like crunchyroll or viz media or funimation, which that is…an effort in itself because if you don’t have the followers or attract enough attention…well you get it.

This is not the end all to be all, because I have heard that you just have to network (a task daunting enough for us socially awkward people) and build connections, probably teach a few panels etc. So I’m pretty much rambling I guess at this point but I wanted to provide examples of requirements I’ve seen.

God I feel like this has gotten so long already, there’s so much I can say about the subject so maybe there’s gonna be a part 2.

#cosplay thoughts #cosplayblog

[reddoesthingsfinally]

I got elf ears >:3

Uhhh so the thing that put us out of commission is over...and the crash after that is over...and now I'm just tired tbh. I feel like I used this as a "hey am I a system?" blog and now that every single answer I've gotten by any system I've asked is "yes" as far as I can recall I don't know what to do with it anymore

Well it's nice to have for venting but I've found I don't have the energy to vent lately lol...I could see if the others want to post art and stuff on here? I know someone did a really awesome piece of art yesterday they might want to share? But other than that idk

Feelings of faking haven't been going away so maybe I can use this as like a...a journal? Of sorts? To keep track of everything and reassure myself? Because my current journal got soaked >.>

Oh, fun thing I've discovered. Brain is highly metaphorical. But I think I knew that already.

So. Yeah. Idk. Hopefully will be in school soon so maybe I can use this to try to keep track of what happened at school (partially so I and others don't forget, partially for comfort because school's stressful)? But that might be too much to put on the internet unless I wanted to be vague about it. Then again I haven't exactly been vague here. Hm. I'm not good at this internet privacy thing, am I?

I've found we have more alters than I'd like to admit. Uh. Which I guess I should've known based on the number of "imaginary friends" I had, but. Still. It's a lot. And every time something new happens I feel like I'm faking and if I tell anyone they're gonna tell me I'm faking or at the very least mistaken and the shred of comfort I have right now is going to just vanish because it was never real in the first place. Dammit. Trying to stop doing that. It's uh...not working very well. But I've been informed it's harmful so I'm trying my best to stop doing that. Trying. I uh...don't know how.

I guess there should be a point to this, huh? Or can it just be useless rambles? Hm...I'll just keep rambling and see where it goes.

Jessica is gonna be a Vampire for Halloween. Which is great for her. She loves Vampires. We found a great dress for her. I think she'll be over the moon when it comes. :) Her birthday's also in 10 days so I feel like I should get her a gift? Even though we share a body? The innerworld is uh...annoying...for me, so it'd probably just be easier to get or make something from outside. Maybe a bat charm. She likes those.

And if she doesn't front imma be an elf. Which is me anyway. But, still. Basically I'll dress up as myself. Getting used to those elf ears, but they're awesome for relieving some of my general dysphoria of existing.

I think there's a couple people that help comfort for sadness and in the dark (I'm scared of the dark for several reasons), so that's nice. :) Though one of them keeps tricking me and it's quite annoying to figure out when void's pranking me or actually telling the truth.

We're hoping to move out this March. Hoping. Hoping so much. Probably not. But hoping.

So I think that's the ramble. Enjoy. Sorry for all...this. Mess. Thing. God, to think this whole thing started because of a little curiosity. I guess it's better to know. But. That doesn't mean I can't kinda wish we could all be separate and just be family instead. I don't know if that makes sense. I'm tired. I'm dramatic. Imma go. Thanks for reading.

[kelsiersshadow]

hey buds tonight we’re thinking about the scathing, iconic, spiteful way jesper said “i can read to him”

in my head it sounds hissed but also like he said it through clenched teeth kinda cause i gotta imagine being armed and that close to van eck was not putting jesper in a particularly calm mood.

#soc #grishaverse #im not physically prepared for all the teen girls that will just now be discovering ben barnes #you’re valid babes but this man has been around and he’s also a down to his bones VILLAIN #i might get backstory in the next two books idc #you can spoon feed me the most tragic thing you can think of #*cool motive still mass murder* face #the crows are right there expand your horizons #soc spoilers #i guess kinda just if anyone reading these ramblings in the void wants to read it eventually #pro tip tho: just do six of crows and crooked kingdom and then TAKE UR ASS HOME #just trust me imma go ahead and do the next two cause i already bought em but save yourselves and literally run #did you come out to your abusive father or did your boyfriend threaten his legacy while making himself your right hand and also #PHYSICALLY RESTRAINING HIMSELF from just unaliving his ass out of sheer spite #wylan is actually his own king #prince in the wrong story in Fucking DEED #good job jessie you called it #omfg knight/rogue agent jesper and overlooked prince/secret kingdom saving talent wylan au #i could do that if i had...idk the willingness to persevere through it #book talk

[snoring-dragon-productions]

Just talking/rambling don’t mind me please—

Sometimes I wonder how ‘normal’ people feel. How their emotions work. How their nerves work. How THEY work. And I don’t mean normal as an insult to anyone, I just mean it as like- the ‘baseline’ of humanity. The Default Human. Without any discrepancies in how they function, think, feel— a Cookie Cutter Human™

I wonder what it’s like to walk down a sidewalk without immediately feeling a sense of ‘oh god there’s another person’ just because you have to pass them on it. To walk around a store without going ‘I wish there was no one else here’. Is it ‘normal’ to feel a bit of dread at the thought of just purchasing something from a cash register even though you’ve DONE it before and could do it again. But Every Time there’s a sense of ‘FUCK I have to Do This Again’. Kinda like the dislike of going to the dentist, but it feels less ‘acceptable’ to me lmao

I dunno. I just wonder if people feel at ease around others. If they don’t worry about things that there’s no point in worrying about or reason to. If they can pass by another person and have No Reaction Whatsoever. If they can be happy— really fucking genuinely happy —one moment and then NOT feel s sudden drop that, by all means, shouldn’t be happening. If their stomach doesn’t settle with a heavy stone, gut twisting around it even though Nothing set it off. If they don’t get moments where the world is overcast by a billowing cloud- not even the world. Just YOU. A heaviness settling around you, that you do everything you can to chase away despite wondering why you even have to because Why Are You Sad? But you know why.

Because your brain decided to shoot some Sad Juice through you and now you’re either going to combat it with some Serotonin and be Happy™ Again or you’ll have to just ride it out and let it linger in your stomach while you try to do things as best you can. I realize I’m rambling now and maybe waxing poetic, I don’t know. But I don’t really care because maybe just TALKING can help me with this weird space I’ve been in the past couple weeks. I feel guilty writing any of this down. Actually saying it— even to the ‘void’ like throwing a crumpled piece of paper down a black hole —instead of feeling it and smiling harder and Getting Through It with people hopefully none-the-wiser. Even now the urge to delete all this mess is Strong As Hell, but whenever I do that it feels like SHOVING everything back down inside of me.

But maybe throwing this scrap of paper off the edge of the cliff can lighten the load a little. Hell, might even help ease me out if whatever This is. Either way, I just wonder sometimes. Why I have to randomly feel Sad and I hate how mad/frustrated/I-don’t-know I can be because I don’t Want To Be. Which is obvious, duh. And I have no right to complain because it’s not a big deal and I know what’s up and I can handle it like I’ve always handled it and there’s nothing I can do or should do honestly aside from fucking DEAL with it like I always have. But fuck I guess I just wanted to write it down. I don’t even know. I’m fine though. This got longer than I intended and somewhere along the line i lost the plot lol

It’s good though. I’m honestly good. Just- needed to throw out some trash I guess. Make some room. If anyone did happen to read this mess, I am So Sorry but I can’t just delete it so here it is I guess. But also I hope you have a great day because you are awesome and seriously deserve it. :3

#negative tw #vent tw #fuck sorry about this hgbjfbjfvhg #legit no need to read it I’m just Talking and rambling and getting shit out I guess lol #hope you are all having an amazing day and for real I’m Goid #this is just how it goes but I’m honestly Good and I Deal :3

[dreamologisth2o]

My Thoughts on c!DreamXD

So Ruby’s recent analysis on the different interpretations of c!Dream has me thinking about my own interpretation of c!DreamXD because I feel like it’s fairly different from other people’s.

To start out with, most of what I’ve seen aren’t actually analysis posts. The one off character from 3-4 wacky streams doesn’t have much analysis going on for him, who would’ve guessed? But based on a lot of art and headcanon posts I’ve seen around the c!Dream apologists circle most people believe him to be either full on ancient eldritch god or someone who seeks acceptance through any means necessary and is similar to c!Slime, who’s easily manipulated. Everyone agrees he’s a c!George simp.

Outside the c!Dream apologist circles, of which I have not seen many of and mostly heard second hand, people believe he’s manipulated and cursed c!George into an everlasting contract of being his friend, and that the actions he takes during c!George’s dream are done out of malice and not ignorance.

From here on out I’m only ever referring to the characters and not the content creators unless specified.

First things first: DreamXD has agency. He has things he’s ok with and things he’s not ok with. He has boundaries and he sets those boundaries and when someone infringes upon them he’s not afraid of pushing back or punishing them for said infringement. Yes, George eventually convinced DreamXD to give him netherite armor in exchange for his friendship at the end of his stream. No, DreamXD did not immediately give into George’s demands. In fact he argues against it, multiple times. Constantly pointing out how George only wanted him around for “stuff” and refusing until it seemed to be the only thing he could do that would convince George to stay. That’s nothing like Slime, who pretty much does whatever anyone else asks him to do. 

The way I’ve seen people treat Slime is very similar to the way they treat DreamXD, and that’s not surprising, because both are characters who don’t know much about how humans act and how they work nor how to fit into “human society”. BUT the big difference between the two is that DreamXD has agency while Slime does not. I don’t know if it’s because of their apparent age or because of their origins, but just because DreamXD doesn’t know how “normal human society” works doesn’t mean he has the mentality of a toddler or a new born baby. He’s ignorant, not naïve. He knows when he’s being used and he knows it’s not something he likes.

I also do not believe he is controlled by the book. Quite frankly that entire scene to me felt more like DreamXD sensed a disturbance and much like when Techno and Phil started messing with the portal room, had simply gone and investigated. He was not required to grant them a wish, it was Techno who asked if he could, which he then offered them one. When they try to summon him again, he doesn’t show up, further proof that the book, while having caught his interest, doesn’t actually have any real hold/power over him. Also, he sounded kinda annoyed in the chat log, speaking in short sentences and single word answers.

Another example of DreamXD refusing to be used for items is when Foolish foolishly (haha) asks him for another shulker box. To which he retaliates by summoning lighting on him, multiple times, until Foolish takes back his request.

That said, DeramXD is perfectly fine with giving things away if it’s of his own volition and not because someone demands it of him. When Techno asks if he grants wishes, DreamXD offers them 1 when he could’ve just said no. When Foolish and Bad are having another territory dispute, DreamXD comes by and places heads of the various server members for them. He’s also given George diamonds of his own volition before as well. He’s not opposed to doing things for someone or giving them stuff, it’s only when people try to use him for things (cough cough George) does he get defensive and upset.

Second: DreamXD is not inherently malicious. When he does something bad, he doesn’t do it to be mean or to hurt them. He does it because he thinks it’d be funny, get a laugh out of George, or because he doesn’t recognize that sending someone to hell and back isn’t nice. (it was pretty funny though XD)

What he considers “good” or “bad” or acceptable is very different from “normal” and so most of his actions are born from ignorance of what “normal” is, ignorance he tries to correct by learning from George, the one person he’s been seen talking to outside chat. Which, George isn’t a good teacher, at all, but I’m not here to talk about that.

And more recently, when we see him cause mild chaos with Bad and Foolish, he ultimately leaves things back to the way he found them in. Returning L’Sandburg back to where it was, teleporting Foolish out of the void, showering both Bad and Foolish in EXP bottles to heal their armor and giving them some extra food to help them recover health after smiting them a few dozen times. (he also placed water on the TNT Skeppy lights in Foolish’s summer home at the same time as Bad, to prevent the explosion from blowing the place up.)

Third: There is a non-zero chance that DeramXD is whatever it is the dreamon hunters split from Dream during that first dreamon hunter stream, and not an ancient all powerful god of the server. (Though the members of the server certainly believe him to be which is what I personally believe led to DreamXD calling himself “god”. Because everyone else calls him that) If he’s a god, which considering his abilities he can certainly be counted as one, then he isn’t old, and is in fact quite new.

DreamXD explicitly states "I’m not Dream! ...I... am not Dream, sort of. I’m a part of him.” (Which means Dream came first!) He has also mentioned having been hunted at one point in the past (either as Dream during manhunts or because of the dreamon hunters, we don’t know), and has spoken in Dream’s voice once before switching back and saying “mm, he’s gone.”

Lastly: and, again this is just my personal thoughts on DreamXD and something I find interesting/funny about the fandom’s response but. George and Techno both say DreamXD looks like Dream. Foolish has mistaken Dream’s head for DreamXD before. By all means and canon evidence, DreamXD should look basically identical to Dream. Does this stop the fandom from going wild with his design? Nope. In fact, it’s so wild I have a hard time believing that this 23ft tall eldritch abomination with too many eyes, multiple floating hands, rings of halos around his (usually just an orb) head, twenty pairs of wings and long flowing robes looks anything like this scruffy, homeless, teletubby in a mask. Much less close enough that George keeps accidentally or on purpose mistaking him for Dream.

Like, all these designs are amazing and super duper cool looking and extraordinarily creative but it’s not accurate to canon at all and the spiderman meme makes much less sense when neither of the “spidermen” looks anything like the other. (Unless of course, everyone on the dsmp is mask blind and think anyone with a white mask looks like Dream because they can’t see past that and--)

ANYWAYS, this concludes some of my thoughts on DreamXD. I certainly have more but this has gotten long and kinda rambly. If you’ve gotten this far, then thanks for reading and I hope you have a wonderful day/night!

#c!DreamXD #long post #my rambles #my thoughts #I have #so many thoughts on c!DreamXD and c!George's relationship #it's so messed up man #and not just the part where c!George is locked into an everlasting contract with c!DreamXD #for some netherite armor and tools #because c!George is pretty messed up too #and the way he so casually manipulates/tries to convince c!DreamXD into giving him things #even though c!DreamXD has already said/proven multiple times that he doesn't like that #kinda reminds me of beeduo's dynamic #where it looks sweet on the outside #but there are definitely unhealthy undertones when you examine certain aspects of their relationship more closely

[pip-n-flinx]

~

Long-ish personal post ahead.

It’s been almost 5 years now. I guess only 4 and a half since I saw her last. And most days it’s still fresh. But on other days it really hits me. She’s not in my life anymore. I can’t send her memes or jokes to make her laugh. I can’t ask her for a hug, or any other comforts. Or perhaps more accurately it would be a violation of her wishes and privacy to have me barge in every time I thought of her (which is a lot.) For anyone reading this who doesn’t know me that well, or whom I haven’t told this story too, I spent 4 years dating my college sweetheart and had moved in with her and was only waiting to propose until after I graduated. She broke up with me at the start of what was (at the time) to be my final semester, less than 2 months before my senior recital, and with 6 months left on our lease.

Let me be clear, I’m not looking for dating or life advice about how to move on anymore. She’s been out of my life now for longer than we were dating and I’ve (at least intellectually) made peace with the fact that love doesn’t have an on/off switch or a faucet. I feel that love like I feel my breath, and I suspect even should I find myself in another relationship my partner would have to understand that there’s a space in my heart for her. And that’s a hard thing to ask of someone. And yes, I’ve tried going on dates with new people. Not many, and not often, but I have. I’ve had crushes since then. It’s.... just something I live with now I guess.

And I guess tonight of all nights I felt her absence very keenly. I have to force myself not to check on her socials. I’ve done that before. Never helps. Never a good idea. Still tempting, for some reason. Guess I’m just a glutton for angst or pining?

I’m leaving this kinda rambling and completely untagged because most original things I post are lucky to get 2 notes in a year. Maybe if I tag a mutual I’ll see a dozen or two notes. So the chances of someone finding this and making a big deal of it are pretty small. Guess I just wanted to scream into the tumblr void again. It’s nice to go somewhere were all of 5 people know my real name.

[radramblog]

Album Discussion- Shinjuku Mad

Usually on a Tuesday I like to take my time with a blog post. Listen to a full album, do a little research, put some real effort into it.

Unfortunately, time is not my ally today. So I kinda have to do one that’s a bit easier- in this case, I think I’d rather go after one of the ones that’s already on my phone, in case I have to do this on the bus or something.

(wait, I drove in today…)

Today we’re going to go into a self-titled album that is somehow not the artist’s debut. Rather, Shinjuku Mad is the second of two albums released under the name- the reason I specify as such is that one of the two (and later, the vocalist would help out again) members would go on to relative fame under a different name- Vaportrap pioneer Blank Banshee.

Peering into this album is like looking at a beta version of what was to come. It’s very much a different genre, an IDM album that completely predates Vaporwave’s explosion of popularity and Blank Banshee’s seminal album, Blank Banshee 0. It’s a solid enough album in addition to this, but it’s kind of hard to talk about seeing as there’s basically nobody who knows about Shinjuku Mad that didn’t learn about it through Blank Banshee. As such, expect a lot of BB coming up in this post.

Also a block of words, because no music videos exist for this at all. It’s one of those obscure albums.

This album opens on Cure for Fear. It’s one of those introductory tracks you often get in albums, at about a minute and a half long, with very reverb-y percussion and vocals and an almost ethereal haze of noise. It’s got these chimes that occasionally come up, reminiscent of some of the tracks from the AKIRA soundtrack, but beyond that there’s not a huge amount going on here. It does introduce a problem, however, one which we’ll get to later. It’ll be pretty evident if you’re listening along, though.

Track 2: Kowloon. I really did forget how short a lot of these songs were, with this being 2:13- the whole 10-track album clocks in at under half an hour. There’s a mix of drum machine and hollow wood percussion on this track that gives it a really interesting sort of feel, and some of the effects on the vocals feel extremely vaporwave- it’s no surprise that the dude behind this went on into that genre. Here’s where I can’t help but hammer on that issue I mentioned earlier, though.

The vocals on this album are quite weak. I know they’re very much trying to be ethereal, the reverb and falsetto make that much clear, and that style very much suits the instrumentation. But it just doesn’t sound great. It kinda comes and goes, but by and large I’d label them as subpar. I don’t really think it’s the fault of the performance either, it’s not like the bloke is missing his lines or mumbling more than is necessary for the album’s aesthetic, but there’s just something about them. They might be too loud in the mix for this kind of genre? I’m not 100% sure.

Resistor, the third track, is the best known song from this album by an order of magnitude. I mean that quite literally, as the track as over 540,000 monthly listens on Spotify as compared to Kowloon’s 32000. It’s kind of shocking, I mean for such an obscure album with zero singles, why is this of all tracks the one people suddenly latched onto?

As it turns out, it’s because again of the artist’s future work as Blank Banshee. Resistor would be reworked into one of the more popular tracks from BB0, Dreamcast, and it would appear that people got curious as to what the source was.

The thing is, aside from sharing a vocal performance, the tracks are very different. As it is, Resistor is a much faster track than the previous, driven by this fast percussion and bassline, making for a genuinely solid exercise track of all things (I say from experience). It’s got a fun little synth solo in the middle, the vocals are pretty solid (aside from like right at the end of the last chorus, holy shit), and the song’s coda and outro are a fun little bit of controlled chaos. I’d put Resistor as one of the better tracks on the album, is what I’m saying.

I’m going to do something I haven’t done in a while when discussing music on this blog- I’m going to jump through a few things. As much as I like this album, the songs aren’t nearly interesting enough to justify a song-by-song breakdown. I think if you listen to Resistor and like it, it’s probably worth chucking on the rest of the album- it is, again, less than half an hour long. But its an album where it’s more valuable on a meta level than it is sonically.

Shinjuku Mad as an album feels a lot like a hybrid between older IDM trends and the synth/vaporwave elements that would become popularised in the 2010s. There’s also tracks like Inductor, which border on rock songs with the power behind that bassline and percussion- in general much of the instrumentation is cleaner than you’d expect from an artist like this, especially considering how muddied much of the vocals get. There is a real focus on the vocals, which as I’ve discussed is a weakness of the album, but I do think it’s possible to look past that issue. There’s some really fun synth lines, some excellent percussion, and real aesthetic. Songs like Human Wave Attack feel stark and lonely, notes echoing into the void, which ironically is not at all like Track 4, Void- with synths and vocals disguising a guitar and drum line that feels extremely garage band. As in, the concept, not the program. Singularity is a song that feels again predictive of Blank Banshee’s future work, a low, slow synth track reminiscent of BB songs like Hyper Object or Metamaterial.

There are some genuine gems on here in addition to Resistor, though. City of No Tomorrow, the eighth song, has got to be one of my favourites- somehow, despite featuring none of the instrumentation typical of the genre, it’s extremely cyberpunk, a sense of struggle and futility resonant through the track. It’s the one song on the album I listen to regularly, getting myself lost in the groove of the bass and tapping my foot along to the percussion. It’s just really good, man.

If this isn’t your first time encountering Shinjuku Mad, reading this might cause you to go back and have another listen, upon which you may notice a few somethings missing. I don’t expect that to be the case for literally anyone reading this…but I needed a segue. This is because, upon the reintegration of Shinjuku Mad and its predecessor Organic Thoughts from the Synthetic Mind into Hologram Bay’s catalogue for the 2019 reissue, two songs were cut, likely for fears of legal issues regarding sampling. The version of this album that I remember has those tracks!

Those songs are Negatives (formerly track 6) and Neon Exodus (formerly track 12). Negatives is another one that’d show up as a Blank Banshee track (in this case, Gunshots), and is actually really solid? Like it integrates a raid siren into the instrumentation without having it sound weird, out of place, or, well, alarming. Neon Exodus is…wow I just don’t know this track at all. It’s fuckin aesthetic though. Welcome to this spontaneous live-reaction, I guess. I recognize the sample this is built around (and thereby why it isn’t on the album anymore) but I cannot name it for the life of me. It’s, uh, interesting. I dunno, 6.5/10?

Anyway, part of the reason I bring this up is that before I want to close this out I have some complaining to do. Said 2019 reissue was something I tracked at the time, and noticed both SM albums were releasing on Vinyl, Cassette (because, you know, nerds), and digitally. But not CD. I threw an email at the website about it, and they did eventually respond (it genuinely took like two months though), but not in the positive. The reissue had no plans to include a CD, unlike all three previous Blank Banshee albums.

But the original 2010 version of the album, along with a few slight differences in songs and in album order, does have a CD release, albeit an extremely limited one, according to Discogs. These CDs have to exist, they’re now listed on the new Shinjuku Mad website. Apparently one sold 6 months ago through Discogs. I need to find a copy, though considering on that site 7 people list it as owned and 72 (including myself) list it as wanted, it’s probably not going to happen.

And that, ultimately, is Shinjuku Mad. It’s a very odd piece of history as far as vaporwave goes, considering it’s both a prototype and also something completely, utterly different. The album is pretty decent on its own, but not mindblowing, and something you could probably live without. There are like two tracks (three if you include Negatives) that are 100% worth it, but the rest are skippable. Which is a shame, but mediocre music has to exist somewhere, right?

That I apparently haven’t discussed Blank Banshee on this blog before (aside from when I was talking about Vaperror) is actually kind of shocking. I suppose, then, that there might be some lacking context. I probably will have to do that at some point, though I probably won’t do BB0 because I like picking the hipster options- so either BB1 or MEGA. Metamorphosis didn’t really pique my interest, and I somehow missed GAIA existing in the first place and still haven’t listened to it. So if you’re interested in seeing me ramble over some of that, I’ll see you then. I mean, it’ll still happen if you aren’t interested, but nobody’s going to make you read it.

Or am I…?

#ramble #music #electronica #vaporwave #vapourwave #shinjuku mad

[carriecutforth]

The Shit

Tumblr is telling me to go ahead, put anything...so here it goes

I haven't been public about this for reasons that will be apparent but gonna start this with all the trigger warnings. I'm writing it here cause I can't talk to the majority of people about it cause most people can't even grasp, and then questions start, putting me in the situation of feeling like my GIANT SWEATER of trauma is being unraveled answering questions that lead to more questions and gah PLEASE DO NOT RETUMBL-- I just need to scream in the void This is the shit: On the day my sister-in-law's mother died she had to call form-1 my baby brother because his psychosis (undiagnosed mental illness which I will get to) was terrorizing their family (three small kids). My mother WHO IS SCHIZOPHRENIC had him released into her and my ANTI-VAXXER ANTI-MASKER narcissist father's care, but NOT before they found out, incidentally due to the FORM 1, he is ALSO really sick with leukemia. I only found out because I decided to dip into the special folder for emails called MOM that I try to avoid reading as long as they can FOR REASONS. But I felt for some reason an urge to, and then I had to try to parse out what had happened from her ramblings that are A LOT. Then I had to confirm with my poor sil who is at her wits end and was in no position to tell me herself. My dad stopped talking to me back in November when I called him for his anti-vax rhetoric as being EUGENICS when he told me it is just the flu and only killing old people and the disabled. I reminded him I've been immuno-compromised my whole life (he KNOWS this) and got chronic fatigue after a flu in late 2016 (he knows this), and did he not care if I DIED? (apparently not) But I was like lol, fine, don't talk to me anymore. Die mad about it for all I care. A lot of people are like: 'oh, that's tough, losing a relationship with your father' and I'm like YOLO (it really isn't if you knew him). SO THEN I have to reach out to my dad: "Why isn't my brother in the hospital being treated by medical professionals for YOU KNOW, HIS LEUKEMIA." My dad responded that the doctors were JUST GOING TO PUMP HIM FULL OF DRUGS! And that HE is treating my brother's leukemia with I dunno baking soda (he told me before it is a cure for cancer). THEN HE GOES RADIO SILENT. I have no idea where my brother is cause they got him an apartment somewhere in Toronto. *though I do have a Machiavellian plan to try to find out. The reason my brother has untreated psychosis is that even though I've begged my parents since he was a TEEN to get him diagnosed, they refused. It's like they have the opposite of Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy in that their ABLEISM is soooo bad they refuse to see he has been very sick, and even if he was really sick, 'doctors are stupid' <--quoting my dad. This is the backstory. My dad was always on the road for his job. My mom had my baby brother AGAINST all wishes of her doctor to ever get pregnant again. I'm not talking aborting, she got PREGNANT on purpose again to SERVE GOD'S GREATER PURPOSE even though it might kill her and said future fetus. So he was born with a lot of issues because of the very bad pregnancy's complications on TOP of the very hereditary bipolar/schizophrenia, AND everything else we got going on besides. After he was born, my mom went into a very deep depression for years and then would vacillate between that and mania. Which meant me: THE ELEVEN year old was forced to raise a baby that wasn't hers and had no ultimate authority over. I was called by everyone his *BROTHER'S NAME* SECOND MOM. *More on this later Our relationship is very strained because of this, particularly when at 17 I had enough momming a child while being constantly undermined by my parents absolute shenanigans. So there was resentment when I quit being his 'second mom' and that he equally resented for things like, trying to put him into bed, when my mom would come in and say let him stay up all night or getting him to eat something other than candy for breakfast (you can guess the dynamic with my parents here). Even if my disabled ass could sue my parents for his

care, he doesn't WANT me to be in charge of his care.

And yet still, I tried to advocate for him for years fighting my parents TOOTH and NAIL to get him on disability and out from underneath their thumb so he could have a measure of independence and autonomy. They had every excuse in the book not to get him diagnosed including expense. It was so goddamned awful fighting with them on this cause in their mind: he was going to live with either them or me forever (they decided this for me and my ex-husband and kids with no consultation), so WHY bother set up his future for him??? So when he was 20?, I hatched a Machiavellian PLAN: I got him, against my parent's wishes, into college for the sole reason of getting the resources for him to get diagnosed so that he could get on disability. AND IT WORKED! (kinda) Except my parents twisted him so much into only talking about his autism spectrum symptoms and NONE of the psychosis because their ableism is sooooo entrenched. (but I did manage to get him on ODSP). And subsequent times I forced my dad to take him to a psychiatrist, he's like: 'oh, I forgot to talk about the psychosis we just talked about the aspergers. Besides people with psychosis are untreatable, you can't convince them otherwise' (see again, my mom). Over the years, I have begged my dad to take my brother to get properly diagnosed and treated (I'm not meaning forced, my brother is also agoraphobic, and won't leave his place UNLESS he is driven by my dad and was living in a city far away from me). I said, I was very concerned for his kids but my dad always gaslights me (and tells everyone I'm crazy -- the IRONY). So now my mom is writing me emails about how this is all my sil's fault because 'she is on drugs' (she is not), 'she is sleeping around' (she is not), 'her kids are scared of her not my brother' (it's the exact opposite). WHICH IS A HUGE TRIGGER FOR ME because She did the exact same thing to ME with my other brother (a diagnosed PSYCHOPATH) who used to beat me and the rest of us mercilessly when my parents weren't around (and they never believed me, and told everyone not to believe me because I was crazy), who pulled a KNIFE on me and threw a drawer at me when I was NINE MONTHS PREGNANT, and how absolutely awful I was AS HIS SISTER to kick him out of my house with no place to live or go (cause he was living with me and my ex-husband at the time because THEY KICKED HIM OUT OF THEIR PLACE and didn't want him back.) Are you beginning to get a sense of the dynamic of my family? Soooooooo the last few weeks my brain has just been in total trauma mode going processing, processing, processing, processing as the final total realization of how absolutely awful my family is finally laid bare (I mean I knew but at least I can stop feeling guilty about cutting them out of my life). So back to the 'second mom' shit, as relevant to my trauma brain processing the last few weeks. This whole shit above is just the tip of the iceberg. I was raised as a Joho in which a lot of my trauma comes from a pedophile left loose on three generations of girls in my family over a thirty year period, and if anyone came forward they were threatened with disfellowshipment and there is SO MUCH there it would take me several Tolkien novels to get how absolutely awful, extensive it was, and how the coverup went straight to the top. ANYHOO. So who was calling me my brother's 'second mom???' Well since, I wasn't allowed to have any association with non-witnesses, it was my congregation. No one questioned that I was being parentified and it was a deeply abusive situation. NO WHAT HAPPENED instead was, this sister in the congregation told everyone (when I was fifteen and 80 pounds soaking wet at the height of 5'10 1/2) that my brother WAS REALLY MY CHILD cause it was so obvious the way that I was the one who took care of him. And the elders of our congregation MARKED me as bad association for loose morals for having a supposed child out of wedlock when I was ELEVEN YEARS OLD. AND NO ONE in my congregation would talk to me, and I had NO IDEA why, cause they never told me that I HAD BEEN

MARKED. But the caveat was I was not allowed to talk to people outside of the faith. And we only found out about this a year an a half later when she said the same shit back in my hometown where he was born to a sister who was at the hospital where my brother was born. AND NO ONE thought, hey: maybe if we think she had a baby when she was eleven we should um CALL CHILD SERVICES or some shit? So i was like 16 1/2, not allowed to have any friends OUTSIDE OF MY PARENTS, find out THIS SHIT, and then people wonder why I had my first manic episode at 17??? Yeah, so this is where my brain has been stuck the last month, complicated that I knew I would be at risk for hypomania with things opening back up, and I'm supposed to be shooting a pilot for a potential series I'm the creator/co-shorunner of, so now I've had to go BACK on seroquel and it's the worst while i try to acclimatize myself to the drugs and stave off hypomania at the same time. WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!

[samrosemodblog]

Time for Sam Ramblings! It's been a while since I rambled about something. Also whose ready for some Fandom Whiplash?

Cause I'm rambling about Homestuck.

Homestuck is strange to me cause I was in the PRIME position to absolutely adore it when it premiered, on account of being a huge fan of the series that came before it, Problem Sleuth.

God I loved Problem Sleuth. One of the rare series where from basically page 1 it had me busting my gut with the absurdities.

So I figured I'd love Homestuck too. And while I did dig it for a while, it was always kinda just "Okay" with me going along with the motions. And I DEFINITELY didn't understand the story telling pacing on account of all the time travel shenanigans going on, or the way Hussie decided to EXECUTE those time travel narratives.

I remember dropping out of reading the story around the time of Part 5 airing, you know, when the Trolls REALLY got involved in the story. Which is funny because apparently from what I've seen, this is everyone in the fandom's favorite part of the story.

And I'm rambling about this NOW, because I decided for the kicks to go back and listen to a Youtube Reading of Homestuck, just so I could actually say I'd seen all of Homestuck one day.

And those readings just got to the start of Act 5 now which means I'm all caught up from my past. So I wanted to put my thoughts to paper and then toss them into the void for anyone who cares.

The rest under a Read More!

To start my thoughts, a second read of Homestuck has done a lot for my understanding of Homestuck's story, even if I forgot a LOT of what happened near the end of act 4 on retrospective.

Having even some knowledge of the future meant that when those events occurred in the past, they made INFINITELY more sense than an initial linear timeline viewing of the story.

So in some senses I really was enjoying the story more this time around than I did the first time, though I think I can identify more of what the issue this time around is of why it just feels OKAY in comparison to Problem Sletuh.

Homestuck is basically a game within a game within a Webcomic, narratively speaking. All of that is LITERAL in terms of the story being told, even the 4th Wall is literally part of the story.

And part of the disconnected feeling is that the "Game" of Sburb, the game that starts the story off in Act 1, isn't really used to its full potential.

Like when Act 1 first started, I was FULLY into the idea of this double-layered story telling of kids playing a game and using the game mechanics while they were 'controlled' by a game on the outside.

Like I said, it's LITERALLY a game within a game story telling.

But the Game never really plays out to any meaningful effect. The 'Game' of Sburb is just a plot device that gives the kids, essentially, alchemy super powers.

Sure they can KIND of alter the area they spawn in, but that never really plays any kind of factor in the larger space of the story (at least as far as up to Act 5 is concerned, maybe I'm wrong here, but even if it DOES the feeling of disconnect is still there for all of Acts 1 through 4).

Like. I imagine Problem Sleuth, where the world FUNCTIONALLY is a dream world running on Dream Logic.

One of the first things that happens is the main character pulling a window off of the wall, but still being able to use it as a window to where the window exited out to, like a moving portal.

Imagine THOSE kind of shenanigans but with the game world. Being able to treat reality as if it existed in dream logic.

A story where Rose was able to take the windows on John's house and make duplicates of them around the world, giving John fast access back to his house.

If the new world they were exploring within Sburb was a hostile and dangerous world, and they made themselves safe havens that were essentially copy + pastes of their homes, with door portals that lead them between these havens, and allow them to 'fast travel' between locations.

The Game would be their world world, because the story would be dictated of them essentially living IN the game! And they ESSENTIALLY always have! They just never had direct access to that game until Sburb existed!

But of course this never really happens in the story.

Instead you get drawn into a confusing game within a game within a webcomic story, combined with so much time travel you can't even nervously shift in place without bumping into SOMETHING that was directly involved in time travel.

And that's not even getting into the whole absurdity of the 'Dream' world ALSO being the antagonist world that the kids are fighting against.

Essentially Homestuck gets bogged down REAL quick with all of these other story elements that, at least FEEL, completely separated from the game in the first place.

And sure, I get that part of the problem in the story is essentially that BECAUSE the kids prototyped the kernel sprite with Clowns, cats, pink, and birds that it caused the main villain to be infuriated over having to wear a stupid hat, but it's such a minor detail that it gets entirely lost in the shuffle!

It's not that any of this is necessarily bad, after all Homestuck's fandom was fucking HUGE when it came on the scene (especially with the trolls), but it definitely had always left me with a feeling of "It feels like a lot could be done with this concept, but instead of doing anything with it, we went with a strange time-travel and alien home-worlds warring narrative instead"

But I suppose this is all relative. It's not necessarily a BAD story, it's just one that leaves a lot up to the reader to figure things out and/or wait for them to be figured out on their own, and that can be kind of tough to deal with.

Also some of the language hasn't held up, at all. And I don't think it even held up even back then. 10 years is a long time in terms of cultural shifts, but even still oof.

But that's a minor part at the very least and doesn't come up very often, so I can at least shrug it off for now.

Anyways, that caps off my feelings of the first 4 acts as they exist right now. And I wanted to get them down because one of the most common reading advice for people new to Homestuck is "Skip to Act 3!" and it's like

That's such terrible advice and not a great way to kick off this huge adventure lol

But at least I think I figured out WHY Acts 1 through 4 gave me such a "This is okay" feeling, as said above.

But what kicked me out of reading the rest was Part 5 Act 1 (Seriously why isn't it just Act 5 and 6?? They're long enough to be separate acts, lord).

EVERYONE ELSE seemed to adore the trolls and loved exploring their world and getting to know them more.

They annoyed the Hell out of me originally.

Not only had I been thrown off/hated the whole fact that John made his own family and friends and himself RANDOMLY AND WITHOUT ANY THOUGHT (Like he literally just stumbles into a room and goes ahead and makes the paradoxes and just... Just does things??? UGH I STILL HATE IT), but then these assholes came along and just had COMPLETELY obnoxious personalities and text chats that were a pain in the ass to read and took over the ENTIRE STORY away from the characters I actually cared about.

ALSO PERSTERCHUM LOGS ARE WAY TOO LONG, EVEN FROM THE START OF THE STORY, EVERY TIME IT'S LIKE 10 MINUTES TO READ WHAT'S GOING ON, I SWEAR TO GOD-

So I just wanted to put my thoughts down on what Homestuck had been TO ME so far before I end up dragging myself through the rest of the story that I HAVEN'T seen until now.

I believe I got spoiled on how the story ends from a tumblr post but my memory of it is really vague and I don't remember HOW they get to that conclusion, but it felt very Problem-Sleuthy in how it ended so ya know.

Either way, it will be interesting to see if any of my feelings end up changing here. I doubt I'll ever be officially part of the 'Fandom' like other people were, but hey, if I get to the end of the story and like what I have so far I can at least partake in the fanart and fanfics and finally know what's going on lol

PS. I DO find it funny that "The Midnight Gang" was essentially a commissioned side-story in the Problem Sleuth universe, and one of the on-going 'Gag' commands was "Enter the Main story!", but of course they never did.

I guess Homestuck is what happens when they actually do lol

#Sam Ramblings #Homestuck

[regular-lord-reckoner]

just kind of need to vent some fears i have right now throwing this into the void style but

i know i desperately need to start therapy, have for a long time but i think i’ve realized this week why it scares me so much

it’s not that i’m so much afraid of sitting down and talking about...well, everything, but it’s that i fear my life getting better

i fear growing and healing and being happier because i don’t know what i’ll do when the next inevitable tragedy happens

i’m scared it’ll undo all my hard work or hit me ten times harder

i’m scared i’ll meet new people or even fall in love (fat chance) and something will go horribly wrong

after all, my parents both had pretty shitty lives for a long time but finally found happiness it seemed like and then...bam, worst fucking thing imaginable

and i get that that’s...life. i get that nobody gets to be happy and only ever be happy and i get that horrible things can happen to anyone at any time, regardless of whether they’ve happened before but i dunno

it just seems...safer this way?

like yeah, i’m deeply miserable and can’t wait to die but isn’t that better than actually enjoying life for a second only to be body slammed back into misery?

what if life’s got even more fucked up shit in store for me and i do all this goddamn work to overcome my trust issues and abandonment issues and just...all of it and then i just have something happens that’s almost as bad as the worst thing that’s ever happened to me?

i guess that’s...childish of me? stupid of me? silly and irrational? but i don’t know how to not feel that way when a massive part of my problem is that one day i woke up to a suicide by someone that promised me they’d always be there for me.

i already feel like i walk on eggshells all the time and am constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop

if i hear a loud noise downstairs i don’t think, “oh, someone probably dropped something” or even just “what was that?” i think “dead. they’re dead. someone just died and you’re going to have to see it”

and even with all of that aside like...what life am i even supposed to have?

my parents need me. my dad’s old and has a lot of health problems so i’ve been taking on even more responsibilities around the house and that’s only going to increase the older he gets

their relationship has...deteriorated. it’s not constant fighting but it’s been enough that it’s also got me on high alert and i’ve had to intervene several times because i don’t want either of them to say some shit that’s going to really hurt the other and i also just don’t want them yelling at each other

i genuinely worry about what would happen if i were to move out, i feel sometimes like i’m the only thing holding this all together and like...yeah, that’s not really fair to me but at the same time too...i would have ended my shit a long time ago had it not been for them so i feel like...what choice do i have but to stay? might as well, right?

if i’m too chicken shit to get better because i’m scared it’ll all fall apart anyway then i might as well just stay stagnant and stay here and just take care of them and try to keep the peace as long as i can and whenever they’re eventually gone i figure if life’s okay i’ll just ride it out until the end but if not...well.

idk. i know that the obvious answers are here and i know what anyone or any therapist would say if i were to say these things. that i need to just get over this and learn to want to live my life for myself and not worry as much about what’ll happen because that’s not my responsibility

but i feel like i already let down one person i really loved in the worst way so i owe to my family to do this, to stay here and to help out however i can

and yeah, it’s not ideal but it’s at least the devil i know so it feels better than the alternative

the downside is i know it’s going to cost me everything else

i know nobody wants a fucking sad sack who won’t get her shit together and isn’t going anywhere in life

i know i offer little to nothing because i can barely muster up the energy to be enthusiastic about my own interests and just generally speaking i suck

yeah, i’m good for a laugh here or there but apart from that? that’s about it

i can’t seem to form any hobbies or do any activities that might be fun because trying new things makes me suicidal as shit when it’s supposed to be like...fun, but it’s not

i feel like all i ever do is bitch and moan and nobody likes that, that gets old really fucking fast and i know that

i don’t blame anyone for giving up on me or losing hope because i did this to myself and nobody but me can get myself out of this and well...i don’t know if i can or if it’s even worth it

so i just...don’t really know what to do

and maybe this is just my very bad brain at the moment and when i go back on my ~medication i’ll change my mind and want to actually get better, regardless of how terrifying that is, but i’ve spent this entire week crying my eyes out because the thought of it just feels so fucking overwhelming and impossible

i dunno. i’m sorry to anyone who reads this because i know this is... a lot, but i’ve been holding this in for a long time and this entire past year has really been hard on me

i try not to talk about it because i know it’s a bummer and i know it just pushes people even further away from me, but i don’t think it’s helping just bottling it up and pretending like it’s not all i can ever think about and again...i genuinely don’t know if i can do the therapy thing because...yeah

i also just need to get this off my chest because i haven’t said it on here or to anyone but i also lost my dog a few months ago

i genuinely don’t know what happened to him, i think someone may have straight up stolen him because some people moved out of one of the houses near us and i know he’d been going over there sometimes so i’m not sure if that’s the case, if it is i just hope they’re taking good care of him because he’s a very sweet boy who doesn’t deserve anything bad to happen to him

we’ve looked everywhere for him and we don’t have those people’s information and even if we did i doubt they’d admit, “oh yeah, we stole your dog!” so i’m really not sure but naturally the last time i ever saw him i was trying to do some work outside and i needed to just get it done but he wanted to play so i told him to just wait until i was finished and then i’d play with him, so he wandered off and that’s the last time i ever saw him

i’ve felt like such a fucking asshole over it and i’ll scroll through my phone looking for something and see pictures of him and i just...can’t. i still keep hoping he’s just going to reappear one day, tail wagging and wanting a hug

it doesn’t have as much to do with everything else but it’s just kinda like...damn, dude.

oh, and my grandmother has lung cancer and doesn’t want treatment so there’s also that

my relationship with her has broken down pretty badly so i’m not horribly torn up about it but i know it’s going to be hard on my mom and so like...even more reason why i feel like i have to be here, y’know?

idk. it just kinda feels like my life isn’t really mine and maybe it shouldn’t be because i’m not sure i can handle it, i’m not sure i can handle it getting good only for it to possibly get really bad again and i know that there’s always the possibility of it just...being okay and that maybe bad things will happen, but they won’t be traumatic and awful but...taking that risk just feels impossible and ultimately i don’t know that it’s worth it because at the end of the day it’s...me.

i figure i already inflict myself on enough good people who only deserve good things and if i’m to fade into the background of my stagnant life then that’s probably for the best because all i do is make things worse and needlessly difficult even when i don’t mean to so it’s not like i really deserve to get better anyway

i’ve rambled enough and if i keep going it’s just going to get more whiny and pathetic so i’ll stop myself but i’m hoping maybe like i said if i can just...put these thoughts here then maybe i can make it through tomorrow without crying?

probably not, but it’s worth a shot, i guess. again, this may just all be temporary given my current mental state, but i’ve also been putting off therapy for a long time since before this week as is so...not sure that’ll really change any time soon. i had almost worked up to just doing the damn thing before the pandemic happened and then...well. feel like i might have missed my window of opportunity if i ever was going to do it because in some senses i’ve gotten better at managing all of this, i guess, but in other ways i feel like i’ve just fallen even further down the hole and trying to climb out feels like it’s guaranteed to just get me hurt even worse so i kind of want to just stay down here.

i’m trying not to give up completely or be totally hopeless about the whole thing, but at the same time...yikes!!!

#need to just brain fart for a second i apologize #this is kinda dark so please don't feel obligated to read #i'll probably delete this soon i just have another shitty work week coming up and if i want to make it thorugh #without completely losing my mind i at least need to kind of feel like i'm talking to an actual human being #because i am not capable of that at the moment