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smile4imagines · 5 years

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A Visit to the Office

summary: after recently adopting you, your dads Kamal and Boris Habit take you up to the office, but when you get there your fear of dentists makes it hard to keep a straight face.

a note from mod B: AHHH THIS WAS SO GOOD!! thank u so much for writing it, i’m really glad u got inspiration from one of my posts!! <3 <3 <3

( @catgirlwarrior )

You paced nervously back and forth in the garden, running your hands over the wooden bench in the center and trying to work up the courage to look in the direction of Boris’ office. You’d been avoiding going anywhere near it since you met him, acutely aware of just what your new guardians did for a living. You were absolutely terrified of dentists, and even though you knew Kamal and Boris were both loving dads, you dreaded having to go in for an appointment.

You knew you would have to soon, as Boris was talking more and more about work lately, and how it was a shame that your records had been “lost” (because you totally definitely had those in the first place) so they didn’t know how long it’d been since your last appointment. Just thinking about either of your dads finding out that you were afraid of the dentist made you break out in a cold sweat.

Would they be mad at you? Would they not love you anymore? Would they try to “cure” your fear with more exposure??

Your stomach turned and you paced faster, twisting the hem of your shirt nervously in your hands. You noticed someone in the window of the office tower walk toward the elevator, and you forced yourself to stop.

Act casual. Just stop and take a breath and act casual. Did they see me? No. That was probably just a patient leaving the office. There’s no way that Boris or Kamal would’ve seen me from all the way up there.

You bent down to smell one of the flowers, using it as an excuse to take a couple of deep breaths to calm your nerves. When you looked up, you saw (to your dismay) that Kamal was walking towards you.

“Hey, y/n? Boris saw you pacing from his office window, and we weren’t going to say anything but you seemed really upset. Is everything okay?”

You nodded quickly, trying to seem nonchalant.

“Oh, uh, yeah,” you lied, “I’m fine. I was just waiting for my friend to call me back about some plans we had but they didn’t call. I’m fine.”

Kamal seemed unconvinced, but shrugged noncommittally. He turned his attention to the flower you were looking at, a pretty white Erythronium blossom. He quirked his mouth into a small smile upon seeing his partner’s favorite flower.

“Hey, why don’t we bring some of these to Boris? Your friend will still be able to call you while you ride up to visit your dad.”

You had to force yourself to remain neutral and keep from stiffening, but inside you were screaming in fear. You tried to think of some excuse as to why that wasn’t a good idea, but you couldn’t think of one that wouldn’t sound suspicious so you nodded. You picked a handful of blossoms and followed Kamal back to the office door. You were glad he was walking ahead of you and he didn’t have to stop to hold the automatic door for you, or else he would’ve seen you trembling violently with fear. You managed to get yourself calmed down enough by the time you got into the elevator that you were sure he wouldn’t see you shaking, but as the elevator rose up into the air, you stood in silent panic as Kamal talked about his day.

Boris was there to meet the two of you at the elevator, and you forced a smile at the sight of your dad in his horrifying white coat.

Oh god is that blood on his scrubs?

Boris noticed you looking at a red stain on the front of his sleeve and sighed.

“Oh, sum tyems patients r a little messy, especially wen they lose a tooth. It’s nothing that the wash-r can’t fix.”

He ruffled your hair, thankfully seeming to think that you were worried about the blood on his shirt because it would stain. You swallowed and held out the bouquet to him and he gasped, delighted. He leaned down to give you a flouride-scented hug and you had to stifle a gag at the wave of smell that hit you.

He looked at you with a question in his eyes and took your hand, leading you back toward the hallway out of his empty office lobby.

“R you okay, y/n? You seeme veree nervous 2day. Maybe you should come back and sit down?” He started to pull you down the hallway, but you stopped in your tracks and pushed his hand away. He turned around, furrowing his eyes in concern.

“Y/n? What’s wrong?” Kamal asked from behind you, making you jump a little. You opened and closed your mouth for several seconds, trying to form a good excuse for your behavior, and then the phone on the front desk rang. You nearly leapt out of your skin, and as Kamal left to go answer it, you sat down in a nearby chair and hid your head in your hands, trying not to cry.

You felt a big hand on your shoulder, and you sensed Boris kneel down to be at your level. You sniffled, refusing to look at him as you whispered,

“I’m scared of dentists.”

Boris sat back on his heels, unsure of what to do now. He had noticed you brushing and flossing your teeth more frequently lately, and sometimes if you weren’t careful, he’d find a little bit of blood left behind in the sink after you spat out your toothpaste. He had tried to hint to you that perhaps you should come in for an appointment, but all of his attempts were politely shut down by you changing the subject or finding convenient excuses to leave the room.

He hadn’t really understood what was going on before, but now it all clicked. He felt terrible! You were afraid of him. You were probably afraid of Kamal, too! It must have been terrifying just to ride up here, and then he’d made you think he was going to force you to sit down and open wide….

“Y/n? I’m soree. I shud have real eyesd before that you didn’t like my work.” You peeked out at him from behind one of your hands, and he put out his hand slowly. You took it cautiously, as if worried that he’d make you get up and go into an examination room. He ran his thumb across the backs of your knuckles in soothing little circles, hoping to alleviate some of your worry.

“How long as it been since you last saw a dentist?” Kamal asked, having hung up the phone and come to sit by his partner. You muttered something into your hands, and Boris gently asked you to repeat yourself.

“I’ve only ever been to the d-dentist’s once, when I was seven. They were mean and they pulled out two of my teeth without any painkiller and I was scared a-and-” your voice broke and you shrunk back into yourself, taking your hand away from Boris to cover your mouth. You could tell that Kamal and Boris were disgusted, and though you weren’t paying attention to what they were saying, you knew they were talking to each other.

They probably think I’m a disgusting freak. Kamal’s second husband is his toothbrush, and Habit polishes teeth every day for a living. What must they think of me? The monster who doesn’t get their teeth cleaned at all?

Boris seemed to notice that you were spiraling, because he was saying something to you now and tapping you lightly on the shoulder.

“Y/n? It’s oka-y. I don’t think you’re some kind of “monster”.” You didn’t realize you had been thinking out loud until he spoke.

“What happened when you were a little kid is not okay, y/n. That’s not how going to the dentist is supposed to work. You were taken to a really terrible dentist.” Kamal sounded indignant for you as he ran his fingers gently through your hair. You looked up at them, noticing that Boris had thrown his big blue coat over his lab coat and bloody scrubs, hiding them from your sight. You breathed a little easier, uncurling a little in the uncomfortable pink chair.

“Do you neede a “hug”?” Boris asked tentatively, holding out his arms a little. You nodded and leaned toward him, taking in the scent of bubble gum and copper that you knew to be distinctly his. He rubbed your back and hummed a fragment of a song in russian, the same one he hummed when he noticed Kamal was particularly worried about something.

“I think,” Kamal said, trying to gauge your reaction, “that we should show you what the dentist is supposed to be like. Nothing big! Just a cleaning?”

You stiffened against Boris, suddenly feeling like his hug was an attempt to restrain you. You shook your head and whimpered, trying to escape from the dentist’s grasp. When you found you couldn’t, you began to hyperventilate.

“Woah, woah. Calm downe, pleez y/n. I’me not gonna “hurt” you. Heer, I’m lettin’g go and taking a “step” back. I just want to make sure you’re oka-y.” He took a step away from you and put his arms up, exposing the sleeves of the bloody shirt he had on under his coat. You continued to shake your head, trying to breathe.

“Shh, it’s okay, it’s okay. You’re safe. Boris won’t take you back into an exam room if you don’t want, it’s fine. It was just meant to be a suggestion. Just meant to help.”

You sank to your knees on the carpet of the lobby, hugging yourself and crying. You knew they would try this! You should’ve known a family this loving would be too good to be true.

Your guardians left you alone for awhile, walking back to an exam room to talk. They could hear you quietly crying from down the hallway.

“I can’t bee-leeve I didn’t knowtiss before. Y/n always seems so uncomfy when we talk about work, but i never real-eyesd that this was y!! Am I a Terrible Father!?” Boris cried, nervously pulling at his hair. Kamal quickly reassured him that he was not a terrible dad, only a confused one, and then tried to think of something that could help you with your fear.

“Habit, do you still have that old puppet?” he asked. When his partner nodded, he smiled. “Okay good. This is what we’re going to do…”

You managed to calm yourself down by counting your breaths and thinking of more pleasant things, and focusing on the smell of the flowers that still lingered on you in spite of the clinical smell of the office. You blushed with embarrassment as you wondered what your guardians must think of you, then held your breath as you heard Boris and Kamal start back down the hallway towards you.

You didn’t meet their eyes as they came out to sit by you, but when Boris motioned for you to look at him you did, stifling a laugh at the sight of your dad wearing a tiny, puppet version of himself on his hand.

“Hel-lo Y/N! I’me Dr. Puppet Habit, but you can “call” me Habby! Why are you frownie today?” Boris moved his hand and spoke in a funny little voice, obviously trying to make you laugh. He succeeded, and despite your earlier fear, you let yourself laugh a little at the absurdity of an 8 and a half foot tall dentist pretending to be a puppet of himself to amuse you. You sheepishly answered that you were scared of dentists, and the puppet “gasped”.

You sat for almost an hour, talking with “Habby” about dentists and letting him explain things you didn’t know and were too afraid to ask, like what all the tools were and why it was important to go to the dentist anyway. You felt a lot more relaxed by the end of the “show”, and when “Habby” waved goodbye and Kamal took the puppet to put it away, you came over and gave Boris a big hug.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before. I was worried you wouldn’t like me anymore or you’d…do what Kamal did…”

Boris just squeezed you back, shaking his head.

“We wamt you 2 b healthy, AND happy, y/n. It’s import-ant to visit the dentist twice a year, so we know that you’re mouth is oka-y, but it’s also import-ant to take care of your self. It’s oka-y 2 b scared, especially when your past wasn’t very smiley. I pinkie-promise i won’t make you come back to my exam room 2day if you tell me the truth. Are any of your teeth frownie? Do they “hurt” or bleede wen u brush and floss them?”

You frowned, looking down at your hands, then nodded. You told the truth- a few of them bled a little when you flossed them, and sometimes one of them felt a little weird when you ate or drank something cold. You were careful to reassure him that it didn’t hurt! Just.. felt weird. He nodded kindly, thanking you for telling him. When Kamal came back to the lobby, he stood and picked you up easily, announcing that he was closing the office for the night. The three of you went home to eat dinner and watch a movie, and Habit made sure to change out of his work clothes as soon as he got in the door. You knew that it might not be easy, but you could survive an appointment with Boris, if you had to have one. When you said that to your guardians, they both beamed at you.

#smile for me #sfm #smile 4 me #s4m #smile for me game #smile for me imagines #smile for me headcanons #ask to tag #submission

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donnerpartyofone · 5 years

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TL;DR - i finally got an MRI for my ear, which has been fucked up and constantly clogged since september and developed tinnitus in february, and apparently, supposedly, there is nothing wrong with it. so there’s nothing to do about it. so just like with my eye and my skin and my lung and my etc, i have a problem that i can’t do anything about, that i can’t even get the satisfaction of a diagnosis for, and i’m so pissed off about how much time and energy i’ve spent trying to improve things for myself when there was absolutely no point in doing so, that i just want to set my body on fire to really show it what i think of it.

i’m so, so mad. the last couple of months have been almost nothing but wall to wall doctor’s appointments, and with zero exception, they have all been a complete waste of time. it hurts because my body tortures me, of course, but it hurts worse than that because i convinced myself that i HAD to do this, that it was Mature to face my fear of doctors and generally the Right Thing to Do, when i absolutely didn’t want to do any of this at all.

i suffer a lot from an internalized impression of myself as being lazy, defeatist, and dramatic. it comes from a lot of places. i grew up in an environment where i was the only open depression sufferer, under one parent who definitely considered depression to be an antisocial behavioral problem, to be treated like any other shallow cry for attention. i also grew up in an environment full of obvious talents, all of whom would go on to be published, or even public figures, and not to be a complete asshole, but the idea that “you can do anything you put your mind to” is kept alive by people who have the baseline talent necessary to succeed at things they put their minds to. if you subscribe to the idea that success requires nothing other than commitment, then the implication is that all failure is a matter of laziness, petulance, and defeatism--never lack, never inferiority, never ordinariness. on top of all this, my personal interests--horror, sexually graphic media, comics, underground music movements, the usual roundup of morbid or antisocial cultural items--were considered pretty much...well, not very adult. so what i’m coming to is that if i can’t prove my adulthood in any way that has to do with who i am or what i’m capable of, then the very least i can do is Be Responsible. (and of course i get made fun of all the time for being an uptight rule follower but JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, LITERALLY WHAT ELSE AM I SUPPOSED TO DO)

one of the main ways you can Be Responsible, if you have the means that is, is to look after your health. the world is full of icky, boring, degrading, depersonalizing, and occasionally painful tasks that are necessary to keep the societal cogs turning. if you can’t make art or have ideas or be beautiful or become an athlete or whatever, you can still show that you’re alive and generally hygienic by going to the dmv, voting, showing up for jury selection, or going to the doctor. you can still grasp the final shred of integrity offered to you by doing things no one wants to do, but that we know are necessary for the vitality of self and society. so i’m extra good at doing stuff that people my age frequently shirk--the dentist appointments, the doing your taxes the second the forms come in, etc--because they’re sort of the only things i can do that prove that i’m not, you know, a complete piece of shit.

so this year, at the start of february, i decided i was going to get a real handle on my health. i’d been going to doctors for various things already, of course, even though it was pretty much never satisfying; the only thing i can think of that ever got fixed or explained was the pathological growth of scar tissue over my eyeballs, which required some pretty fucked up surgery. but at this time, i had a lot of problems building up. my left eye developed a small spot, and a constant glare that borders on having double vision. my right ear remained completely stuffed up since i had a cold last fall, and began to ring constantly at the end of the winter. my right lung has felt alarmingly tight and weak for...years actually. the right side of my face is constantly beet red, like i go fresh with somebody’s wife, and i can see how it’s thickening and bending my flesh all out of shape, which rosacea will do progressively and incurably throughout your entire life. i decided that instead of quaking in fear of doctors, and also in fear of wasted time, i was going to straighten my back and go nip this shit in the bud. after all, when you’re miserable but not doing anything about it, people kind of hate you, and then you have THAT problem on top of all your real problems. sometimes you gotta give the people what they want.

so how did it all go?

my skin: since no insurance company considers rosacea a medical problem, which is actually complete fucking bullshit, i decided to take matters into my own hands. i researched what rich people do for their uninsurable problem, and decided to use my recent (traumatic) inheritance to take care of myself. i tried three different preposterously expensive topical treatments that i was told are a “magic bullet” for rosacea, and all of them made my face blow up like a fucking macy’s day balloon. then, after four rounds of extremely expensive, painful and scary laser treatments, i had absolutely no results other than that my face was actually MORE reactive for about a month after the last one. i’m fucked.

my eye: according to my optometrist and ophthalmologist and corneal specialist it’s “just” regular scar tissue from my terrifying surgeries, not the pathological scar tissue that i had to have removed via terrifying surgery and localized chemotherapy. this kind of sucks because it means i can’t just get it removed again, but at least there is a slight chance that my body will reabsorb it like regular scar tissue. (oh yeah? and what’s my luck USUALLY like?) my only “treatment option” is to use eyedrops four times a day, which is actually extremely uncomfortable, and which pretty much means i’m just not allowed to wear makeup ever again.

my lung: after two rounds of clear x-rays and a breathing test that only detected slight asthma, through two GPs and a pulmonologist, nobody has anything to say about why i have this chronic breathing problem. there’s some indication that it might be a “muscular-skeletal problem” that’s putting pressure on the one lung, so i guess i need to add a physical therapist or something to my endless list of specialists.

my ear: two or three trips to urgent care (i forget how many now), two GPs, an ENT, a fucking weird hearing test, and an MRI have done absolutely nothing for me. after a cold with a sinus/ear infection last fall, my right ear remained permanently slammed shut; if i pop it, it closes back up in seconds. i do not have the same problem with the other ear, it is clearly a physical problem. in february, my ear began to ring agonizingly and has not stopped for a second. in all this time, i went through round after round of antibiotics, antihistamines, anti-inflammatories, steroids, etc. nothing works. no one can see any type of problem. apparently i have the option of electing to have a tube surgically inserted into my ear, although i can’t quite figure out what the risk factor is, both for my tinnitus, and for my hearing in general.

and OF COURSE, depression: part of the stigma against depression is that it’s a choice, somehow. like fresh air and exercise and looking on the bright side are so effective that if you’re depressed, it must be because you LIKE IT THAT WAY, because otherwise you would use these simple and free cures for your so-called illness and it would be all over, right? anyway i kind of hate being depressed, and i’ve been working my fucking ass off trying to deal with it. i see a nutritional therapist (a licensed psychiatrist) who prescribed me a number of nutritional supplements that i do think help, but they are unthinkably hard on my stomach. i tried lexapro, and it made me feel so abnormal, and cut into my general quality of life so badly, that i didn’t keep it up. i tried a generic version of wellbutrin, and it made me violently sick to my stomach, and caused my ringing ear to ring deafeningly for days after a single dose. the brand name version wasn’t much better. then i tried lamictal, and felt totally great AND NORMAL for like a week, and then i got the rare and potentially deadly lamictal rash. sometimes this just indicates a basic allergy, and sometimes it indicates Stevens-Johnson Syndrome which causes something called TOXIC EPIDERMAL NECROLYSIS WHICH REQUIRES LONG TERM HOSPITALIZATION TO GROW YOUR SKIN BACK. i had to deal with this on the day of mandatory final exam presentations in a class where i was already struggling, and this was one of the darkest days i can recently remember. after this, my psychiatrist tried to prescribe me abilify, but after i started to hear about the side effects and personal testimony of certain friends, i decided i couldn’t handle it. very possibly, i just cannot be medicated for depression, unless i’m willing to sacrifice everything else around the depression too.

...this is all pretty much a retread of an experience i had for a few years, a few years ago, where i was having these abnormal paps, so they constantly had to drill painful core samples out of my cervix to keep checking up on the NOTHING that was going on in there, until one day they were just like...uh your tests are coming back fine now, and we don’t know why they didn’t before, and it just doesn’t matter, you don’t have to do this anymore PLUS you could have just been sitting on your couch jerking off this entire time and it would have done exactly as much good as this cycle of being humiliated and tortured by doctors in a while that leaves you curled up in a ball sobbing every time. i’m still pretty pissed off about it, if you can’t tell.

so like i don’t know why the fuck i’m doing all this. i don’t know why i do anything. nothing fucking comes from even my most herculean effort except a relentless sense of mystery that is starting to border on satire. i don’t know why i have so many problems. i’m 38 years old and i’m in ok shape. i don’t have generalized immune issues or anything. my doctor said i have some of the best lab work she’s ever seen. why the fuck does all this shit happen to me. i’m trying so fucking hard to enjoy my life. it’s hard to be in mental and physical pain all the time, the latter for absolutely no coherent reason. i mean i’d rather have a bunch of random problems than like, lupus or MS or something, for sure, but everything that happens to me is so meaningless and arbitrary, i’m starting to get that feeling like god hates me. it’s also hard to have the constant feeling that so many people think that failure to enjoy life is exclusively a matter of “not trying hard enough”, being a pill, looking for attention. i don’t know what to do anymore. i’m real pissed. i think what i need is a change of philosophy, which will be a long hard road. at least i know it’s the one and only area where i, and only i, have some level of control. wish me luck.

#long post

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mixchronicles-futureboyfriend · 5 years

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Dear Future Boyfriend – My Flaws are Flawless

Like most women, I’m insecure sometimes… well a lot of times. But I’m secure enough to say it. The irony in that statement is most guys actually assume the opposite. On the outside I’m well put together. I dress nice, I’m fit – adjacent, and thanks to a pretty good gene pool I’m aging gracefully - YESSSSS. Add on two dimpled cheeks the size of quarters and bam… I’m ready world!!! I mean, who can hate a girl with dimples? Welllll some. Actually many. I have been told by my appearance alone it was assumed I was overly confident, stuck up and in some cases even conceited. HA. Talk about misguided reality because in real life I am the exact opposite. No matter how snatched my body gets, in my mind, I can always stand to lose another 5 lbs. Each morning, I average about 2 to 3 audition outfits before settling on something I feel confident enough to wear for the day. And my bathroom looks like a CVS pharmacy filled with overpriced anti-aging creams which I’m almost positive does absolutely nothing, but I keep buying them because I don’t want to chance it. Hey, I’m trying to look like Angela Bassett when I’m 60. Bottomline: I’m human and Future Boyfriend humanity sometimes equal insecurity.

I believe the insecurity got worse when I landed in La La Land. Because dating in LA sucks balls. Pretty is a dime a dozen so you need to bring more to the table than that. But don’t bring too much more because success can be as terrifying to some as well. Yeah yeah, I’m sure that means I’ve just been entertaining the wrong guys. Clearly. Hence the two-year hunt for my Future Boyfriend. But I admit, I’ve fallen victim to pretty boys a time or two. Pretty Boys that keep their head on a swivel, have to always out shine you and picks at your insecurities. The truth is Pretty Boys often feel ugly on the inside so you end up spending a LOT of time trying to make them feel pretty… good. It’s exhausting. So, I decided to give them a break. Give the average guy a shot. Maybe I’m missing out on my Future Boyfriend because he’s not wrapped in a 6’3”, solid abs and perfect smile package. Maybe he’s a little shorter, softer and… well the teeth is a deal breaker. Consult your dentist dude. But what’s most interesting is these NON Pretty Boys are actually WORSE. It’s like they are solid 7 at best, but think they are a dime. And they behave like I’m lucky to date them…. Ohhh no. I’m the pretty one here, so I am the prize boo. Flaws and all. And it’s not that I’m better than you, it’s just my ego won’t allow me to be played by average. And even flawed I’m still a pretty dope catch. It was recently that this revelation dawned on me. I was headed to a girls’ spa retreat. One of the fancy ones with massages, and mineral pools, and mud and all kinds of expensive crap. The night before I spent 2 hours picking out the best swimsuit for the trip. One that would create the illusion I had boobs, but reduced the insecurity of displaying body fat. Again, GIRLS retreat. That morning I spent an additional hour debating my face and hair. Normally I wouldn’t leave home without “putting on my face”: eyebrow shadow, eyeliner, mascara, powder, highlighter… you know the basics. I also curl my hair to perfection each day. Not a strand out of place. Doing these things makes me feel more confident in my appearance. It reduces my insecurities and puts a little pep in my step. But here I was going to a place where those things would only get in the way. So, after an hour long battle I convinced myself to go fresh face (but with mascara and eyebrows… I mean no one wants me looking like Viola Davis in these streets) and pull my hair into a simple bun. I felt naked as I arrived to the spa, but quickly rushed to my 10 am massage appointment. Usually I like my massages in silence. I want to enjoy the experience, but this one was different, I had a blind masseuse. Since he couldn’t see I didn’t want tell him he couldn’t talk either. It just felt cruel and I’m trying to get to heaven so he begins chatting away. He told me he plays in a band and dates a bikini model. He knew her from high school (before he went blind) and he always thought she was out of his league. She was beautiful and everyone liked her. He was more quiet, insecure and stuck to playing music. They later reconnected (after he was blind – and no I didn’t ask how he went blind… that felt cruel too. Remember I’m trying to go to heaven here) and she confessed she always liked him, but thought he was too cool for her. Now he says he’s a blind guy who gets driven around by a swimsuit model… and everyone he knows is jealous of him. The End. Now I’m not sure if it was his story or CBD massage oiling he was using to rub me down, but immediately everything clicked. We are all insecure. We’re all flawed. And there is always someone out there who believes you’re flawless. Now Future Boyfriend that doesn’t mean I’m going to stop wearing weaves or makeup. I like them both. It also doesn’t mean I won’t try still try to shed these extra 5 lbs. But it does means, if you like me you will like all of me. Even parts of me that I don’t like at times. And I’ll thank you for it. Because then I’ll know you’ll help me to be a better me. And that’s kind of every person’s dream. Right?

xo,

Mix

#dating #bad dating #flawless #flaws #flawsome #makeup #hair #spa #CBD #blind #bikini #model #pretty boys #average guy #viola davis #angela bassett #dear future boyfriend #mix chronicles

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kaylynn-langerak · 6 years

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Replies to my personal post.

I put them under a cut. Medical/dental things are mentioned. Feel free to ignore.

@nekosayuri said: I think the best thing to do would be to talk to professional about it, either a psychologist who knows about extreme phobias or a doctor that could help with the symptoms. There must be ways to deal with the teeth problem that don't require you to be awfully 'aware' of the situation, like maybe sedation and such. Might be worth looking into.

I actually have an appointment to see my therapist in 2 days, so this will definitely be a topic of discussion. It’s been vaguely discussed before, but she didn’t seem to have much to say? I don’t know, I really do like her, she’s very nice and I’m pretty comfortable talking to her, which is a rarity for me. But there’s been a few occasions where she literally told me she doesn’t know how to deal with an issue I’m having. So yeah, you’re right, I’m probably gonna have to seek out specific doctors who actually know how to deal with me. (Which makes me feel even shittier for being so screwed up, but that’s another issue for another day, I suppose.)

@trulykristansims said: When calling your dentist to make the appointment, let them know that you have these severe fears. Tell them exactly how you will react. They may prescribe you something before hand to calm you down and/or they will know that they may have to use the gas so you will be napping during the procedure. I have medical anxiety and what I do to get through it is to just keep telling myself that it will be over before I know it and I will be asking myself why I made myself suffer for so long. You will be okay. Good luck and I hope you feel better.

On the matter of sedation/gas/being unaware, that’s definitely a requirement. My mom recently had a particularly terrifying dental procedure and they gave her some pills that made her not remember it. She’s already talked to her dentist and he said he would do the same for me. Honestly my biggest concerns are pre and post procedure. I’ll likely have a panic attack on the ride there. I might have one in the waiting room. I hate waiting rooms, I have nightmares about them.

Post procedure is my biggest worry. After the medication wears off and I’m back to the reality of the situation. My boyfriend had a tooth pulled last year and there was lots of bloody gauze afterwards. I had to lie down when I saw it. I felt sick and dizzy. I truly don’t know how I’m going to deal with having that going on in my own mouth. I don’t think I can change the gauze. The taste of blood is going to make me nauseous.

I know I’ll be glad I did it once it’s all healed and I can eat on the right side of my mouth again (it’s been so long), but I think those first few days after are going to be anxiety hell for me.

Thank you both so much for suggestions and kind words! You are both absolutely right. Thank you for putting up with me, I know I’m a mess.

Also the pain pills are hitting me hard, so I didn’t proofread this. I’m sorry if it’s weird like my brain feels right now.

#not sims #personal

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underbananamoon · 5 years

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TED, UNRAVELED

Memoirs are my favorite books to read, along with nonfiction, and also biology and neuroscience, and autobiography and biographies too. I read this one:

Like all of us, he started life as a baby, and then became a child. To be exact, he lived in Massachusetts on 74 Fairfield Street. Many decades later, after achieving a notoriety that surprised him, he revisited that child home. He told the current owner Ron Senez “I just stopped by to make sure you’re taking proper care of the house.” For some time he sat in Ron’s young sons’ room (Ted’s old bedroom as a child) and regaled them with stories. Ted showed them where he’d poked holes in the plaster and he told them a tantalizing story about a mural of “a lot of crazy animals” now covered by their wallpaper.

He started out drawing humorous cartoons for beer, oil companies, and the like, with a long-running very popular campaign for a bug company. (photos found at https://aoghs.org/petroleum-art/seuss-the-oilman/ ) His early work for these ad companies had many touches of the fanciful animals we would all come to know.

Of course he eventually fell into children’s books.

Suess’s wife was fond of saying that although Ted was witty, funny, somewhat introverted, and pleasant he was never happy when he was working on a book; but happiest when he finished one. Writing the rhymes, he’d often fill in the last word as ‘duh-duh’ or ‘dum-dum’ and then he’d toss and turn on his couch in his office, read a nonfiction book or mystery to clear his mind, walk the beachfront property, scour thesauruses, and eventually replace the fill-in words with the rhymes. He kept a paper bullseye of his father’s hanging on his office wall, where his father had gotten the bullseye dead center, to remind him of perfection. He had the bullseye till his end of days. (Ted was a chain smoker and eventually a dentist found cancer under his tongue which spread. He did not like hospitals and often refused treatments that may have prolonged his life a bit.)

When he first started, it was especially hard writing the Beginner Books series. There was a pedagogical rigor to the adherence of the approved word list. 361 approved beginning reader words to be exact. Authors were encouraged to have no more than 200 of the approved words per book. No “ed”, “ing,” or “er” endings of words were allowed either, except if it was specifically listed. Plurals were allowed but only if they were made by adding an “s.” Only approved contractions. No possessives. Finally the list was amended to allow “emergency” words, words not on the list but absolutely necessary to the story. Ted was quite a prankster and sometimes purposefully submitted x rated verse to Random House, and looked forward to the phone call that would surely follow! Truly, he would get a scolding, but he always left them laughing.

Example, an early “Hop on Pop” submission just to see if Stan was paying attention:

When I try to read, I am smart. I always cut whole words apart. Con Stan Tin O Ple, Tim Buk Too Con Tra Cep Tive, Kan Ga Roo.

This prank while working on “Dr. Seuss’ ABC:”

Big X Little x X…x…X Someday, kiddies, you’ll learn about sex!

A more elaborate prank was played on a frequent house guest to the dinner parties at the Tower (he and his wife’s home in LaJolla). The man was always going on about how he collected fine abstract art. One day, Ted made up a fanciful long-syllabled-made-up “artist” name, worthy of his Suess books, and said that he had in his possession a rare abstract artwork by this big wig so and so “famous” artist. The man replied “Oh! I have always wanted an art piece by that artist!” Dr. Suess said he’d be willing to sell. Not long afterward, Dr. Suess presented the man with a framed abstract artwork (paint barely dry) that he’d secretly, and quickly, created himself. The man oohed and ahed! Ted could keep a straight face easily. Just when the man was ready to hand Ted a very large sum of money, Ted’s wife stepped in and said the prank had gone on long enough! Laughs were had all around. I wonder where that art is today.

Dr. Suess (he dropped out before he earned a doctorate but was to go on and be awarded honorary ones) was serious about “brat books,” as he affectionately called them. He felt the Run Sally, run!” books were detrimental to children and insulted their intelligence along with being boring and not stimulating in children a desire to read. Though he never had children, (his first wife, who could not bear children, took her own life in the Tower, devastating Ted), he knew how to be in a child’s world and also how to create worlds for them to be in.

From his home in LaJolla California, where he lived in what was known as “The Tower,” he’d receive more and more mail as time went by. He’d even have children ring his doorbell often asking if he were really Dr. Suess, or to wish him a happy birthday, and then run away down the hill. At first he answered the fan mail but it got to be so much, that eventually most fan mail was answered with a copy of a signed form letter Ted had written and drawn on himself, thanking the letter writer and explaining Dr. Seuss’s mail delivery was slow because he lived on a mountaintop where mail could only be delivered by a Suessian beast called a Budget, pulling a cart driven by a Nudget. Imagine having a copy of one of those today!

He was a true storyteller, granting few interviews, and always showing up for events, especially early on, if there was an arranged deal that he would not have to speak in front of the crowd. About himself, he told and retold stories so much that often many accounts of the same story are different. It was part of his charm. The office at Random House, which he visited when he hand-delivered finished books to read them aloud, much to everyone’s delight, he had a hand in decorating to suit him! The office there was whimsical, as per his decorating instruction.

Ted was terrified of public speaking, but toward the end of his life, he managed to speak publicly in simple rhymes. They were short, to the point. For example, if asked to speak to college grad students, he’d step up to the podium, deliver four verses of rhyming advice, and amidst cheers he’d quickly leave the podium.

He didn’t preach, but his stories often were about big issues. Yertle the Turtle (who represents Hitler) was written in delightful anapestic tetrameter. It was banned in some areas for being ‘too political.’ Sneetches on Beaches was written in 1961 to teach children about discrimination. He wrote the book to address how different groups of people didn’t like each other during World War II. A number of the Seuss books address the subject of diversity and teach children to be fair and treat people equally. And there’s my favorite The Lorax. I don’t mean the silly movie adaptation, I mean his version, the book. Ted was a stickler on getting every single color in his books the way he wanted. He’d have loud conversations about this. And when a few stories were made into cartoons, he wanted them his way. It was his work. Not so sure he’d approve of the Grinch That Stole Christmas movie that takes liberties with his writing (sorry Jim Carrey.) But who knows… Back to The Lorax which was written in 1971. It chronicles the plight of the environment and the Lorax “speaks for the trees” and confronts the Once-ler, who causes environmental degradation. At the end when the last tree stump remains, there is written upon it one word:

He’s left a legacy. I can’t begin to recount the tidbits I learned from the book. I do know that somewhere in this house I’ve got an “adult” Dr. Suess book, full of his art meant for adults. No I can’t find the book, but I was able to locate a few of the art pieces from this site ( https://www.drseussart.com/secretandarchive ):

CAT FROM THE WRONG SIDE OF THE TRACKS

THE RATHER ODD MYOPIC WOMAN

Art in My Life and Other Updates

Finally finished the mime video for the event in October. With son Silas’ video production skills much appreciated. Cannot share until after event at CARD (Center for Autism & Related Disorders). It is a great feeling of accomplishment to have something creative come to fruition after much work. And although never really achieving my “unique” artistic vision, nonetheless it becomes an eccentric but heartfelt entity all its own!

Received these from a friend on a day I much needed a smile:

My 19 yr. old cat has been having seizures, one of which he had on my lap. When he does this, his mouth snaps open and closed, biting the air. My finger was in the way. He ended up biting my finger which can be dangerous. I can barely move it and am on antibiotics.

My son is in a highly creative mode of life, having won a contest recently. A pill company sponsored a contest whereby they send you a red and white capsule, and you sculpt art to go inside it. His creation (on the right) is a tiny wax skeleton, a casket and dirt from our yard, all of which fit in the capsule. He didn’t win first or even second prize but the contest judges like his and another person’s submissions so much they created a special category:

Another of Silas’ works:

Like me, he picks up interesting things by the roadside. He made some into this:

Silas and his girlfriend are going to be featured in Keri Bower’s film “Desire,” in fact we have more taping to do later this month. Silas is supplying music for it too.

For the most part, I keep to myself. I enjoy my day job as a QA software tester. I love deeply and am loved deeply by my small circle. I am currently grateful thankful and even at times hopeful that the world is going to be alright. Although the times we live in are painful to bear witness to, a lot of the time. Currently I am enjoying the respite here in the east from the heat. Fall is coming on.

In my free time, I do my house chores and run errands and adore grandchildren and keep up with doctor appointments. But I also do what I’ve always done- fill my need to create. And also to advocate, occasionally consulting with college students when they are studying or writing about autism and/or selective mutism. I occasionally get emails that humble and thrill me. I received two such emails this week. Which I’ll share here. Sometime ago, I was published in this book:

I got an email from Belo recently, here it is in part:

Dear Firsts Authors,

I have some wonderful news to share. Firsts has received a gold medal under the nonfiction anthology category from the Reader’s favorite Awards. This means you are all now award-winning authors!

…..There will be a ceremony in Miami on Nov 23rd, 2019 to recognize all winners.

…..They will make the official announcement on Oct 1st via their website and Publisher’s Weekly. While they haven’t made this entire official just yet, it’s perfectly fine to update your bio and call yourself an award-winning author. Also, I am attaching the seal image and award certificate for those who wish to add it to their websites. Oleb Books will be making the announcement via social later this week.

Congratulations to all of you – and big thanks for believing in me and in this project.

Cheers,

Belo

I really really have to update my website! Belo, who I didn’t realize had a disability (he is blind) all the while we were emailing my contribution back and forth for this book, truly deserves this honor.

Another surprising email came from a literary publication I haven’t been published in for over a decade. Here is the email, in part… and if you are still reading this blogpost, which is always all over the place, I thank you.

“We would like to feature you as an artist, along with some images of your artwork, in an upcoming issue of our publication. …..we have reviewed work on your website and are quite impressed.

Since we only publish two issues per year, January and July, and we only feature one artist per issue, we are thinking of featuring your work in the July 2020 issue of the magazine. I interview the artists we feature and write the article. We typically use 9 – 11 artwork images in each issue. “

I said yes to that. It’s such an opportunity to pick art pieces I feel ‘say something’ about how I feel as a “terrestrial.” Because aren’t we all terrestrials? Not just citizens of this country or that one, but citizens of earth. I read that recently and cannot seem to remember the book I picked it up from. Isn’t that awful! Here is an artwork I may or may not have posted here in my blog (I’ve forgotten!)

Anyway, I see the CARD event I mentioned earlier, and the interview for the magazine as opportunities to say things in ways I could never vocalize from podiums. Through mime-face, and art images and through written word.

my web site which needs work LINK here

My Book Link Here

Silas Art link

Suess Review (Jones) and My Art Updates TED, UNRAVELED Memoirs are my favorite books to read, along with nonfiction, and also biology and neuroscience, and autobiography and biographies too.

#FIRSTS in disability #kimberly gerry tucker #Silas Gonzalex art

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nirah10 · 7 years

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Sorry you're having a bad week :( you had to go to the dentist I'm guessing? Do you mind if I ask what that's like for you? I don't have any phobias so I don't know. And this might be weird but you said you saw stuff and I know you work in healthcare so do you mean that you see people die? Does that happen a lot? Feel free to not answer I don't want it to get weird

It’s okay. I do’t mind people asking about personal stuff ^_^ I get a lot of questions about my job in real life and people usually ask about my phobia when they learn about it too, so I’m used to it.

I had my wisdom teeth out recently (which was fine because I was unconcious the whole time) because they were putting a lot of pressure on my other teeth, to the point that one of my teeth literally broke in half. It was very painful and very sensitive and you could see all the weird bloody/pulpy stuff inside of the tooth which was really freaky and weird. Anyway, I had that tooth fixed (which meant a root canal) as well as a couple of fillings done. As someone with a phobia of teeth (teeth, not dentists, which most people don’t really get), just the thought of having a tooth breaking in my mouth was horrifying. I barey slept for a solid week before my appointment, regularly felt nauseous, and frequently caught myself becoming hyper-aware of my teeth and beginning to tremble and/or hyperventilate (early signs of a panic attack which I was thankfully always able to get under contol). My mum had to drive me to the appointment because they were going to give me some medication that wouldn’t allow me to drive home. The second I got in the car, I got extremely nauseous and my stomach clenched up so hard that it felt like I had been punched, and stayed that way until the meds they gave me kicked in (a good hour and a half later as I was referred to someone in another city because of my anxiety problems). Once at the office, my mum had to do the takling for me because I started going into “shut down” mode. I can’t think clearly and I don’t respond appropriately when someone tries to talk to me (I either don’t answer or I say whatever I think will make them happy so they stop talking to me–even if the real answer is very important and I want to tell the truth). I have little fidget toys and things to hold because I’ll damage my hands if I don’t have something to fidget with, either by digging my nails into my hand, pulling bits of skin off of my fingers (yes, I do that, yes, I bleed, and, yes, it’s disgusting), or by intertwining my fingers and clenching my hands so hard (usually in an effort to avoid causing damage with my nails) that I start to bruise my hands and hurt my finger joints/bones.

They gave me medication to keep me calm which helped with some of the outward symptoms and made me forget a lot of what happened after everything was done, but I was still a little problematic for them. I cried the entire time and I often whimpered or made sounds that made them think they were hurting me (we warned them that I do that–it’s cuz I’m scared, not hurt) so they would stop frequently to make sure I wasn’t in pain. Unfortunately, that distresses me more because it slows everything down. I also shook the entire time but it was only a little tremble until we were near the end of the work. By then I was shaking badly enough thatI could hear their tool tray starting to rattle and they had to put a wedge in my mouth to hold my jaw still. Everything said and done, I had to be taken down to my car in a wheelchair, I felt sick, exhausted, and anxious all day and for the day afterwards (I actually had to call in sick to work).

All this because my teeth exist and someone was going to touch them. It’s crazy and absurd, but that’s how phobias work ^_^”

As for my job, yes, I see people die. I handle bodies pretty regularly and it doesn’t usually bother me. Sometimes we’ll lose several people in a few days and sometimes we’ll go a couple of months without losing anyone. Moreso than death, it’s when people are suffering that it bothers me. I don’t like seeing people scared or in pain, and seeing someone die when they’re scared is the absolute worst. We don’t do emergency care but I’ve seen my fair share of nasty injuries and scary experiences. My very first day as a student, a man fell right in front of us. His skull cracked and opened when he hit the floor, and he bled out completely terrified right in front of us. It was a hell of an entrance to the job so it takes quite a bit to phase me, but stuff like that does happen sometimes and it can really leave an impact on you. The worst death I’ve ever seen was a man whose lungs and heart were failing simultaneously and he was so scared of dying–he couldn’t breathe and was turning blue and was desperately grabbing at us to help him. We just had to stand there, holding his hands and waiting for him to just stop.

It can be rough but, in all honesty, most days are boring and it’s just keeping an eye on things and making sure everyone is comfortable. Anyway, I hope that answers your questions but feel free to ask if there was more you wanted to know about ^_^

#this time it's personal

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starsinursa · 7 years

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Shout-out to @saminzat for tagging me! Like I needed an excuse to waste time. ;)

LAST

1) Drink: Coffee... it’s like 10 p.m. at night, but I’m trying to stay awake to finish some work from the office (and yet I’m on tumblr doing this quiz instead, oops).

2) Phone call: A coworker called me so I’d have her new phone number.

3) Text message: “FYI, they don’t give you the money right back, you have to wait 4 - 6 WEEKS for a check in the mail, uggggh”. I bailed the same coworker out of jail about three months ago and went to the city municipal court today to get the bail money back... turns out things aren’t that simple.

4) Song listened to: Umm...so I’ve been listening to the Moana soundtrack pretty much non-stop for the last week. :D

5) Time you cried: A couple of weeks ago, reading the fic “Cursed or Not” for the first time (hey, you get to chapter 18 and try not to ugly cry, okay?).

HAVE YOU EVER

6) Dated somebody twice: Yep. Good ol’ high school.

7) Been cheated on: Not that I know of.

8) Kissed someone and regretted it: Yep. Good ol’ college.

9) Lost someone special: Yes, a couple of times.

10) Been depressed: Yep, special shout-out to my Prozac and Wellbutrin, love you guys. ;)

11) Gotten drunk and puked: Yes, a few times, unfortunately. Again, good ol’ college (although I can’t use that excuse for the last time because I had already graduated... to whomever had to clean out that train car up in Minneapolis, MN, about 2.5 years ago: I am so, so sorry, I’ve learned my lesson about taking it easy on the Everclear, you have every right to hate me).

THREE FAVOURITE COLOURS

12) Green

13) Purple

14) Blue

IN THE LAST YEAR YOU HAVE YOU

15) Made new friends: Kind of? Do work friends count?

16) Fallen out of love: Nah, gotta be in love for that

17) Laughed until you cried: Yes, most recently was while watching “Impractical Jokers” with my aunt (they took a guy who is terrified of cats and made him teach an improv “how to bond with your cat” class, okay, I found it hilarious as a cat-owner).

18) Found out someone was gossiping about you: Yeah, there’s a lot of gossip about everyone at my second job. Look, I’m sorry I go through all the water bottles, okay? I drink a lot of water...

19) Met someone who changed your life: Not anyone specific in the last year that I can think of...

20) Found out who your true friends are: Meh. I’ve always kinda known.

21) Kissed someone on your Facebook list: Nah

HOW MANY/MUCH

22) Facebook friends: 256

23) Pets: Two! One dog, one cat, the best of both worlds.

24) Want to change your name: Nah, I like my name.

WHAT

25) Did I get for my birthday: Books, I always ask for books.

26) Time I woke up: Around 8:30 a.m. this morning

27) Were you doing at midnight: Probably surfing tumblr, tbh, I am sadly predictable

28) Can’t you wait for: MY VACATION THIS NEXT WEEK

29) Was the last time you saw your mom: A couple of weeks ago when I went home for a dentist appointment

30) Is something you wish you could change about your life: I need to buckle down and really focus on paying off a couple of bills. It helps having a second job, but I’m just so impatient.

31) Are you listening to right now: Nothing at the mo

32) Gets on your nerves: Whiners. Don’t get me wrong, I love to bitch and complain as much as the next person, but people who blame the world/ everyone else for their problems? Just....yeah.

33) Talked to a person named Tom: ...this question doesn’t make any sense. “What - talked to a person named Tom”? Also, no, I know several Tims, but no Toms.

34) Is your most visited website: Pffft, tumblr, of course, is that even a real question

35) Elementary school/primary school: [Name of my hometown] Elementary School

36) High School: [Name of my hometown] Jr./ Sr. High School

37) College: I’ve already mentioned in a couple of posts where I went to college, so I guess I’ll just say it: Kansas State University. EMAW!

38) Hair colour: Dark brown

39) Long/short hair: Long! It’s currently the longest it’s ever been in my entire life, I’m so excited (although holy shit, I shed a lot).

40) Crush: Nah, not for a while. I creeped on a cute security guard a few months ago, but he turned out to be a jerk with a classic “crazy ex-girlfriend” (I put that part in quotation marks because I have no idea if she’s actually ‘crazy’ but he kept insisting she was...which is, just, y’know, a red flag on his part).

41) Do you like about yourself: I’m actually pretty fond of my hair now, after a lifelong love/hate relationship. I also like to think I’m okay at singing sometimes.

42) Piercings: None at the moment, actually

43) Blood type: A+

44) Nickname: My family has always called me “Foo” (as in, “little bunny foo-foo”)

45) Relationship status: Single, ayyyyy

46) Zodiac: Leo (pffft, but not really)

47) Pronouns: She/her

48) Favourite show: Supernatural (of course!), Psych, Once Upon a Time, Firefly, Scrubs, Nikita, Game of Thrones

49) Tattoos: None. I’m too fickle, I’d get one and then change my mind two weeks later.

50) Left or right handed: Right

FIRST

51) Surgery: I had my tonsils out when I was 17 thanks to multiple bouts with strep throat. Oh my god, never wait until you’re that old to get your tonsils removed, it was absolute hell.

52) Piercings: My ears. If we’re talking unusual piercings, I had a “nape piercing” for a while in high school.

53) Best friend: Probably my cousin Kayla, since we grew up together

54) Sport: I played softball for several years as a kid, until I got a bloody nose when the ball hit me in the face. Then I had to quit because I was gun-shy. To this day, I’m still afraid of balls flying at my face (hehehe).

55) Vacation: I visited my dad in San Diego, CA for a week when I was ten years old

56) Pair of shoes: First pair of shoes? I don’t know, I was a baby. Probably some over-priced cutesy pair that never even got any use because I was a baby.

RIGHT NOW

57) Eating: Spicy Doritos

58) Drinking: Still drinking coffee

59) I am about to: Sort through my tumblr “Saved Drafts” and add tags for everything, then try to get some writing done

60) Listening to: Nothing at the mo (this is the same question at #31?)

61) Waiting for: Saturday when I leave for vacation! *o*

62) Want to see: Honestly can’t think of anything. I’d like to watch Moana again but it’s not on DVD yet?

63) Want to get married: Sure, someday

64) Career: Human services/ social work-ish? Basically, I work at a non-profit agency helping adults with developmental/ intellectual disabilities to get/ maintain services. Oh, and I also have a part-time job at an adult store. Gotta make ends meet, y’know.

WHICH IS BETTER

65) Hugs/kisses: Really depends on who they’re from. Probably hugs for the most part. :)

66) Lips/eyes: Aaagh, I don’t know... I love gorgeous eyes, but I also love me some tasty lips... y’know what, I’m gonna go with lips. Yep.

67) Taller/shorter: Taller

68) Younger/older: Older

69) Romantic/spontaneous: I can be romantic when I have someone to be romantic for, but I’m not the most spontaneous. :D Like, let’s just stick to the PLAN, okay?

70) Nice arms/nice stomach: Arms. I like squishy cuddly tummies anyways.

71) Sensitive/loud: ...I don’t know. Sensitive, I guess, because being around loud people wears me out pretty quickly. But sensitivity needs to have limits too...

72) Hookup/relationship: Relationship. Been there, done the hook-up thing, not worth it. Good ol’ college.

73) Troublemaker/hesitant: At this point in my life, I’d say hesitant. Trouble-making was fun in the past, but, like, I’ve got an actual career now that I could lose if I go around trouble-making/ hanging out with trouble-makers.

HAVE YOU EVER

74) Kissed a stranger: So, so many times. Good ol’ college.

75) Drank hard liquor: Yep. Still love me some vodka. It just mixes with everything, y’know?

76) Lost glasses/contact lenses: Contact lenses, yes, but luckily I’ve never lost a pair of glasses

77) Turned someone down: Yes. I hate doing that. I’m a horrible, cowardly person who would rather “ghost” someone than have to deal with an uncomfortable confrontation.

78) Canoodling on a first date: Depends on the definition of “canoodling”. Are we talking cuddling or snuggling up during a movie? Sure. Making out? Maaaybe, depends. No copping a feel on the first date though, c’mon now.

79) Broken someone’s heart: Yes. Breaking up with someone in high school is intense.

80) Had your own heart broken: Kind of, not really? The only person I legitimately had feelings for, I never told them how I felt, so they never really had the opportunity to break my heart but it hurt like hell anyways. Have I mentioned I’m a cowardly piece of shit? :D I mean, that was like 10 years ago in high school, but I haven’t changed that much.

81) Been arrested: No, thank goodness. There were a couple of close calls during my partying days, I’ve definitely been luckier than I probably deserve.

82) Cried when someone died: Yes. Doesn’t happen often, luckily.

83) Fallen for a friend: Not really? Had crushes on friends, had friends-with-benefits, yes, but never technically “fallen for” a friend.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN

84) Yourself: Depends on what we’re talking about here. In general, yeah, I like to think I do okay...

85) Miracles: Ehhh, I can’t decide. It’s a wonderful thought but I’m also kind of a pessimist realist. You know what they say: “hope for the best but prepare for the worst”.

86) Santa Clause: Not for many, many years

87) Kisses on a first date: Sure! End-of-the-date kisses are sweet.

88) Angels: I...think so.

89) Love at first sight: I don’t know? It’s a wonderful thought but I’m just not sure. Maybe not love at first sight, per se, but I think there are definitely people out there that you can just tell right away they’re going to be special to you.

OTHER

90) Best friend’s name: None, at the mo

91) Eye colour: Brown

92) Favourite movie: That’s a tough one... I think it depends on my mood. Do I want to laugh? Something trashy like “Sorority Boys”. Do I want to cry? Probably something steeped in existential crisis like “A.I.”. Do I want a feel-good adventure with talking animals? “Homeward Bound”.

Holy crap, that took like 1.5 hours. Anyone need an excuse to waste some time/ procrastinate/ be distracted? Tagging @magnificent-winged-beast, @helianthus21, @destielmixtape, @beesandangelkisses, @emotionally-compromised-idiot, @castielsgracex, @apritelleorai, @honeybee-and-batman, @sunshine-hunters, @waaaaaayward-assbutt, @cool-fallen-angel , and anyone else who wants to do it. :)

#about me quiz thingy #me #my personal life #i've been tagged #tagging other people

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oovitus · 6 years

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Learning how to self advocate for wellness and career advancement

I've recently been meditating on personal and professional development and in a lot of ways, maintenance. Part of it aligns with recently discussed concepts of wellness and work-life balance. Part of it also has to do with this intrinsic unsettled feeling I'm experiencing with work. I attended an academic conference recently which I believe was clarifying and is helping me to frame my approach. Health This all started with a dive into self care, specifically, trying to make sure that I was taking better care of this 41 year old body of mine. I had not been to a dentist in 15 years. Yes. You read that correctly. I had not seen a dentist since before medical school. Part of it was because I'm irrationally terrified of the dentist... part of this fear probably came from all those times my mother forced me to sit with her and hold her hand through many root canals and extractions while she squirmed, wiggled and held a vice grip on my hand. The other part of it was the silly thought, "If it ain't broke, don't fix it." The final factor was the disease of busy. I flossed. I brushed. I have a nice smile. I'm fine. It wasn't until my little one bravely sat through the first couple of dental appointments during which we found out he had multiple cavities between all of the molars, necessitating 8 crowns, a failed attempt at in office nitrous and subsequent trip to same day oral surgery center with a pediatric anesthesiologist that I finally made an appointment. So I did it. I had a couple of cavities, needed scaling (which is a special kind or torture) and am now getting teed up for a root canal. I suppose it's not bad for 15 years. At least I'm keeping all of my teeth, for now. Let's move on to fitness. I'd topped off the scale at 5 pounds over my full term pregnancy weight. I hated what I saw in the mirror. Inside I was happy. My outside didn't match my insides... maybe I wasn't happy. Regardless, I've spent the last year trying to make sure to make time to do tedious things like plan healthy and nutritious meals and get some exercise. I found a colleague and now friend who was an online health coach. I found a supportive environment of other busy, professional women who found time and prioritized this portion of self care and found that they ended up being happier, more patient and feeling more fulfilled all around. I found tools which were easy to implement (albeit requiring some behavior change), accountability partners and fun exercise options. I enjoyed it so much that I myself became a coach. With everything we give to our patients, our learners and our hospitals, we absolutely must prioritize ourselves in there somewhere. Working out may not be your thing, but you have to identify what it is that recharges you and make time for it. Put it on your schedule or it will not happen. It will ebb and flow, but you've got to take care of you before you can take care of anyone else. I still need to schedule that Pap and Mammo... I'm a work in progress. Personal Development Part of the company's philosophy is ensuring that you spend some time each day on your own personal development. This created an opportunity for me to read some personal development books (the former four letter "self-help" category). Below you will find the books I've gone through over the last 6 months (good grief, whoever created audiobooks is literally the best because I become narcoleptic while reading). I've read (or listened to in audiobooks) "You are a Badass: How to Stop Doubting your Greatness and Start Living an Awesome Life" by Jen Sincero. She's not a physician, but she's been through some things and many of her struggles and insecurities resonated with me. She is also remarkably sarcastic and funny and I had many a laugh while listening to her book. I followed that with "The Compound Effect: Jumpstart Your Income, Your Life, Your Success" written by Darren Hardy. This dude for all intents and purposes is a self made gazillionaire and did it all with hard work and discipline, specifically with small changes every day. He had an authoritarian for a father, so we have that in common. It focuses more on the business world, however if I ever consider entrepreneurship, I'll probably revisit it. I followed that with bits and pieces of several books from Brene Brown... "Rising Strong" and "The Gifts of Imperfection," both of which hit chords with me. Let's figure out how to pick ourselves up after we fail at something because that is what bravery truly is. It takes no energy to stay down after you take a hit. Facing the day, reflecting on how you may have been responsible for whatever you've experienced is an important lesson. Reading her book is like sitting in a therapist's office, without the $200 price tag. She's a shame researcher and she hits the nail on the head when she discusses the mountains of self imposed guilt we shoulder unnecessarily. She's also witty and sarcastic from time to time. Next was "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck" by Mark Manson. Now, if you can move past the fact that this guy is a bit like a frat boy in his use of language, there are some important lessons to be learned. Some things just don't deserve our energy. Seriously. My latest read is "Feminist Fight Club: A Survival Manual for a Sexist Workplace" by Jessica Bennett. I came upon this book on my way to the aforementioned conference. I knew I was specifically attending a workshop designed to appeal to women interested in leadership in academic medicine. I was looking for something which would light my fire and help me think outside the box a bit. Jessica Bennett is a journalist who specifically writes about issues of gender, sexuality and culture. In her book, she highlights the research which discusses not only how institutions may unknowingly or overtly be preventing growth of their female professionals, but also behaviors we may be demonstrating which hinder our own progress. I take each of these books with a respective grain of salt, but it's really kind of opened my eyes to some self reflection and highlighted some things I may want to work on within myself. When we spend so much of ourselves in tending to other's needs, our own needs and need for growth can get lost in the mix. Professional development So, I'm an academic. I teach medical students, PA students, residents, fellows, faculty. I have sought opportunities to develop my educational niche, my ability to provide feedback, teach a skill, develop a curriculum, pitch an idea to my department chair. I teach a lot of things... probably too many things, which is why I find myself feeling stale and unfulfilled here. I feel like I've spread myself so thin that I'm doing an ordinary job at all of the things for which I'd prefer to be doing an extraordinary job. I feel like an octopus juggling knives which are on fire. Is this imposter syndrome creeping in? Perhaps, but I know I could do better with my time and efforts if I peeled away from some things. I officially mentor some and unofficially mentor others. I've not received any training per se in mentoring, save observation of folks I hope to emulate. I don't know what the steps are. I don't know what skills to hone. It's kind of like teaching, but also very different from teaching. There should be a program for mentoring the junior mentor. There probably is, but I've not yet had the bandwidth to seek out or discover it, but it is something I need. What I found most interesting in the sessions at this conference was the focus on not necessarily seeking out the most sage mentor. Sometimes peer mentors are actually better for you as you navigate different challenges in your career. I've been at this academic gig for 6 years now. At the conference I attended, many of the female leaders commented on "cycles" and feeling unsettled after a certain amount of time doing each of the jobs they did. That hit home for me. I feel unsettled. I want to do what I'm doing differently and I need to advance my position from my current title to the next. As such, I've been meeting with my closest mentors, having heartfelt talks about what I thought I wanted when I started, what I've done and where I see it going. I see now that I've invested a tremendous amount of time and emotional capital in one path. It was my hope that by working hard and contributing, I'd be rewarded with position. Boom!!! Words from all of the books came to mind and highlighted for me that I in fact cannot do it all and I should be asking for compensation in some way for what I am doing. You will not get 100% of the things you DO NOT ask for. I must focus my efforts on those things which are most meaningful to me in my professional life. I need a new goal. I need a promotion. So, I'm going to spend the next couple of months working on my dossier, writing papers, reviewing and revising the curricula that I am responsible for and pouring the energy freed up by letting go of tasks held by one of my octopus tentacles. It's exciting and anxiety provoking to have this new approach and challenging in that I've never before created a dossier or gone up for academic promotion. Why didn't someone tell me about all of the stuff that goes into this? Why didn't someone tell me to keep better track of all of the lectures I taught, programs I developed, mentees I invested in, meetings I attended, evaluations I received??? This wasn't part of orientation when I became faculty. It was discussed as an afterthought in my annual meetings "You should be ready for promotion in a couple of years." After reading my most recent book, I wonder if the experience is the same for my XY colleagues. Is the assumption that because I'm a single mother, I must not be interested in promotion or advancement, so I don't really need the guidance or personal investment? To adapt a quote from Jessica's book, "No one gets shit done like a mom." I'm trying to figure out what my professional and personal mission statement is. What are my values? What do I hold dearest to me? Do my actions align with my values and my mission? How do I parlay these reflections into actions moving forward and be sure I'm looking out for my own professional interests, professional development and advancement? Learning how to self advocate for wellness and career advancement published first on https://storeseapharmacy.tumblr.com

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