#i hate how anxious i always am

[imjustexistingtbh]

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#sometimes i hate myself for throwing away my last piece of glass #i know it’s for the better long term #but it helps so much in the moment i just want. i need that right now #but i have absolutely nothing to do it with #i hate myself right now #i hate myself so much #i hate how i can’t be normal without taking medicine #i hate how anxious i always am #i hate my brain #i hate that i can’t understand social things #i hate that i’m weird and the outcast with maybe three real friends #i hate that i’m just the weird autistic nerd #i hate that i can’t go a week without hating myself #and even when i have bad days i crash soon after #i hate that i want to hurt myself. i hate that i don’t want to hurt myself. #i hate myself so much. #it’s been 81 days since my last relapse #and i feel so incredibly awful #WHY do i feel this way SO MUCH #i don’t WANT to feel this way #but maybe i do #it’s more comfortable. #but i don’t know if i like it #vent #tw self harm #just jupiter

[littlecutiexox]

I feel like I’m forever having to unlearn the hatefulness I’ve learned to normalise

#been always struggling with this #i am always such a negative hateful person and i think a lot of it has to do with how i was raised #i hate that my brain still assumed negative and worst in situations #i feel like me hating it is ironic itself #i need to put more work into improving #and being kind #im a little triggered bean but i still stand by these #i cant wait to get home next week and not have to hear my mom in person for another year #hearing her insult anythingn and anyone has me anxious and ready to smack my head against a wall #we dont do that in this house tho #on yhe bright side #3 days till tattoos

[valoale]

Wish me luck today I’ve got a photography gig for the longest time and of course it’s an outdoor location and of course it’s -15 degrees Celsius outside and on top of that I need to drive over 100km and the roads are icy as fuck and I still have the shitty winter tyres I’ve been bitching about for weeks lmao

Let’s see how I’ll survive, running on faith at this point

#it’s not even six am and I’m staring outside like why #and I charged both of my batteries but I’m pretty sure they’ll die in the cold so fast #I really need to buy a battery grip #also I hate hate hate the idea of bringing my gear into those temperatures especially bringing them back in #I’ve got my mini grips for all my lenses and the body I know how to prevent the condensation but it still stresses me out #because that shit is coincidentally the most expensive shit I own #I’ve got insurance I’ve got insurance I’ve got insurance #also I’m manifesting not too horrible traffic this morning (I can always wish) #super great to be overly anxious about everything hours prior #also my pos car better start ffs #German cars aren’t built for this weather #but yeah I’ll give y’all an update if I survive #vee talks #photography

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#sometimes i find the degree to which i cannot concentrate very alarming #like bro i canno read. i have so much to do but i wanna sleep forever #i just have to get up and go somewhere else. normally id go transfer algae or run but im stuck inside and .y fingers r all cold #usually its just in the morning that I get thr high distress so its prob the meds #but yesterday was kinda fucked. ugh.i just need to run around but i cant #i have such a sinister combo of: brain stops me from being able to b productive and if im not productive i am compelled to do horrible #things. mood issues and 0cd is horrible. horrible feedback loop #i just wish i could breathe. itll b fine. eventually itll b summer again and itll b fine #its like someone's squeezing my throat. like im sick but i kno its just that im anxious #i was doing so well the past few days in terms of reading and productivity despite the distress #and im trying to b kind and roll with the punches but its so hard #like i kno i need to relax and not resist bc resistance makes it worse but it's just hard and im worried this is how itll always b #i wish i could go back on lamicta1. i felt way better on low dose of that then i do on low dose of abi1ify. its so hard to stay on this #just bc of how my head works. and like things were complicated with the lamicta1. maybe i wouldnt habe had a reaction if i didnt get a #tatto0 while upping the dose but now im marked as allergic so i prob wont b allowed to try any of thr anti convulsive type antidepressants #ugh. i hate this. its so frustrating #unrelated

[mihrsuri]

Me attempting to explain what being Jewish right now feels like to my (lovely and brilliant to be clear) non Jewish therapist is…I am not wording very well.

#this will disappear shortly but #on the one hand she’s very right that nothing has happened where i live #(on the other hand it’s…it’s hard to explain how being an incredibly small community is protection and terror) #(how i have hesitated to share my identity so many times) #(how ‘most people don’t hate jews’ isn’t…i know my trauma brain sees threats too much and i am still doing things) #(also this isn’t true in the rest of the country) #(and it is safe but also…is it safe when you really cannot share because there’s always…) #i need to actually find some resources and also…I probably am being overly anxious and ridiculous #just trying to get attention and clout and stuff #(some resources to link her too)

[itspileofgoodthings]

the answer to the question of why I am this way is very often anxiety

#I know it’s not my personality etc. etc. but truly never been able to so clearly see how much anxiety I have #until this year! #my very matter of fact counselor: your base line level of anxiety is very high #me: surprised pikachu face #anyway it’s kind of helpful to just see how it has exacerbated so many things over the years that I used to just think …. Was me #and like. It IS. But it’s also a bent/slant/wiring to my make-up that is separate from me #so it just makes sense. like yes I am sensitive and I hate when people say mean things about things I love #but the panic I feel when people don’t agree or word something harshly???? that has manifested physically in me for my entire freaking life #that’s not because of how deep my attachment to it is or some weird psychological reason bound up in the wording of the hurtful phrase #or in the thing I loved itself #Like I used to think it was #It’s just …. anxiety #i don’t have to intellectualize all of it. some things are just triggers and it sets things in motion #it’s hard to know what the triggers are and it’s also funny to reflect on what can be #because I am a very specific fiercely attached funny little bean with a very definite history that has shaped me #but just trying to plumb the depths of every situation that has ever hurt me to try to find some deep truth about why I’m hurt #And what reality I’ve touched on that is causing me pain #It just isn’t what’s happening. It’s pretty simple #I honestly had this breakthrough once about Taylor and why taylor criticism made me anxious #Like I just always externalized all of it in that i would be like it hurts me because of the way taylor is or something #but there was this one moment where it was like it’s upsetting you because of you #But then I put it away and went back to analyzing the world and her externally lol #Anyway it’s going to be a journey! But it does feel pretty big that I’ve been able to reach it here #Also it’s so weird because it’s like shouldn’t I have known earlier? Shouldn’t other people have known earlier? And many DID #but also. I don’t always display it well #I make eye contact! I smile! I speak confidently!!! #And actually a lot of people are like ‘she’s fine she can handle this’ and it’s like I can’t I will DIE #I was talking to Maria the other day about this and she pointed it out to me. #I don’t look vulnerable and I don’t look like you can hurt my feelings by being like ‘I don’t really care for Kylo Ren’ #But you CAN and yes that’s the deep love but it’s also the anxiety! I think it’ll just be learning to balance those things in me. Not erase

[heartshattering]

I think I really need to develop a routine again... even if earlier this month I was sleeping in the morning and waking up in the afternoon at least I still had a certain time I was falling asleep by, and a time that I normally woke up by. Now I've just been all over the place. Part of it has been because of pain/physical symptoms (laying down during a flare-up and then dozing off instead) but I've also been up at night, and panicking so much during nighttime, dealing with racing thoughts and compulsions again.

I just don't know how to get myself back on track and I really feel like I'm a lost cause with all of my bad habits, disorganized life, unhealthy lifestyle, feeling that my baseline anxiety is way higher than normal, and dealing with the physical consequences, too. I wish I could sleep and function like a normal person. I don't want to be struggling all the time. I just really miss where I was before even though I wasn't 'perfect' then either but I think people picking out everything I was still doing 'wrong' (my family members, nurses, etc.) made me feel like none of my progress mattered because I'm not 100% 'healed' yet. And I just started slipping back into bad habits again. I don't even know where to start with fixing myself. Help.

#insomnia #mental health #chronic illness #i genuinely do not know what to do. #like at this point i think what i need to fix first is sleep because poor sleep makes all of my other symptoms a lot worse #had a therapist a long time ago tell me that i should always focus on fixing my sleep first #but sleep is the hardest thing for me right now #especially because nighttime is when my ocd symptoms worsen and i struggle the most with compulsive behaviors #i've been learning strategies to cope with ocd but it's still so hard as soon as it's night and i just feel like i'm never going to improve #i am not happy with myself #i just feel anxious all the time and i hate it #ngl i feel hopeless about myself and i just. don't know how to pick myself up again

[sherlock-is-ace]

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#ignore me i need to vent and be scared for a moment... #but i've been working my ass off today for a project that's paying me cents #and i've been debating the whole day how to explain to this client that moving forward i will have to charge more money for similar project #and i'm so so scared that it will mean losing this client cause i don't really have many regular clients and regular work #so it's scary to sound greedy (even tho i know it's not greedy) and i've been trying to convince myself it's the right thing to do #i've talked to my mom and she agrees which is huge cause she's always saying i need to be thankful for having work even if it's a lil cheap #but like now she even agrees that over 12hs work days including weekends are NOT being paid with my prices #so i'm so anxious about that and then i go on twitter and i see one movie poster and one chocolate bar wrapper made with ai #and i'm SO SCARED of the future #i went and chose the one career most easily replaced by ai #and i'm so anxious about what my future holds #but also my very near future when i have to tell this people that i can't work for nothing anymore #i hate money and i hate what it does to my head #money not only reaches the mind of those who have lots of it #it also reaches the mind of those who don't have it :// #i fucking hate this and i hate being an adult with a job #specially a freelance job where i am my own fucking boss and i set my own prices #cause i'm so fucking dumb and so easily taken advantage of #i shouldn't be saying this online lol but like i said... i'm dumb #angel talks #personal

[britneyshakespeare]

i might seem like just a mentally ill eccentric. but deep down i care about the children

#im talking about my job #tales from diana #i probably dont seem eccentric at all to the ppl i work w just socially anxious (which is very obvious irl & always has been w me) #i dont know how to explain my conflict about working at my high school lately other than. it's not just my trauma #with that particular building. i mean yes it's very much awoken w me when im in there #but everything that was wrong w the *culture* of my school. the way teenagers in that district acted. #it's like. exactly the way i left it seven years ago #and i think a lot of it has to do with the incompetence of the administration and i hate to say it but. individual teachers to some extent #i mean ppl just have no expectations for these children to be respectful and apply themselves #when you treat students with dignity and present their work with dignity they will feel dignified and care more. #there are lots of systemic issues that affect teenagers too that cause them to be disengaged as well #and you never know what's just going on in their individual lives that's interfering w their school success. #in many ways it's like the way they fare is so out of our hands that i get why teachers are so burnt out and cant be assed #im very much bright-eyed and bushytailed in some ways. even tho i do not see this as a glamorous job #i am very young and haven't been doing this long enough to have EVERY ideal beaten out of me. just most of em. #yeah. the culture of that high school is just awful. #in general i have very high opinions of teenagers. and low opinions of high schoolers. #it's not who they are that is wrong. it's the building they inhabit and the ways they move around it. #it's the potential of them that is being ill-served that frustrates me so much. #they deserve better and so do we as the adults working there #that's that on that

[medicasino]

i'm seriously tired of this like,,, constant feeling of never really feeling important to anyone. and it's like, it's 100% on me, it is 100% my fault i feel this way but,,, eugh

#affie txt #it isnt anyone's fault at all im just like super unwell LOL #its like. i mourn the friendships where i genuinely felt wanted. because it was ME who fucked them up and now i just feel legitimately like #no matter how many people i befriend and burn through it's like i can never ever feel truly wanted or like im at all important to them #and when i DO #when i do feel wanted and important its always so short-lived and they move on to someone else #and im just like really tired of wanting to be loved and never actually feeling loved #every friendship i was a part of where i felt like i was genuinely important or wanted has completely eroded and its like. all my fault and #im just. really fucking tired of never feeling loved like ever #and its not anyones fault its not like people are mistreating me #I AM THE PROBLEM. I am the reason i feel unloved #because theres something wrong with me and i can never ever feel like im loved even if people say they love me!!! it always feels so hollow #and every time i see my friends get along better with other people i always feel so fucking jealous and its like its such a me problem #but its so hard to get out of this mindset because its one i've been trapped in for YEARS #i've dug this hole and now i lay in it because there is no way out and im so. tired. i just want to be loved #i want to be important to someone i want to be someone's special person their number one and its like #that'll never happen to me!!!! because I AM THE REASON no one views me that way!!!! Im unstable messy reactionary lazy and mean #and so fucking anxious about every little thing that like of FUCKING course no one would love me!!!! loving me is HARD because #i am not MEANT to be loved!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i am meant to be hated or seen as disposable!!!! #ugh im just so fucking sick of feeling disposable. #vent #ask to tag

[thotsfortherapy]

hm.. might end up sending a friend breakup text to my awful housemate.

#this entire situation needs to end #they are dragging it out as much as possible because they love to torment ppl #like unironically they have told me that before lol #anyways it is literally so annoying cause they always talked about how much they hate passive aggressive ppl #and like. the moment i send a text calling you out on your bs you just silent treatment me for two months?? huh #their bs as in literally making our friend cry??? and making everyone else uncomfortable because of how mean they were being??? #like i always question am i actually in the wrong here what is it like from their pov etc etc #but genuinely. genuinely. i cannot imagine someone saying hey maybe dont be so mean to ppl they literally just burst into tears #in front of everyone and then being like actually youre the dick for saying that #anyways they have been holding it over my head for like 2 months at this point and i do think they have just moved on friends wise #they are just vibing with other ppl which is fine but then still acting weird around me and everything and it makes me anxious #so.. we are clearly not friends anymore lol #crazy how.. you can actually communicate that.. instead of dragging it out... #anyways :) time to text my other housemates about it so they know what's going on lol

[da-proti-toku-grem]

sorry i needed to vent somewhere and ended up explaining my life 😮‍💨

#why am i like this bro? #my bday is in a few days but i don't feel excited about it #i didn't even feel like doing anyhing especial this year and i was so close to not celebrate it #but my mom and my bestie convinced me because “you're turning 18. isn't that exciting” #and also because “most of your friends will move to other places because of uni so you don't know when/if you'll see all of them again” #the thing is they convinced me to celebrate with my friends and close family #nothing too special but at least is something #and now i had to tell them what i was going to do so i had to create a whatsapp group and all that #and i just spent a whole hour just to think of what words to use so it doesn't sound weird #idek why i thought it would sound weird to invite MY friends to MY bday party but i always overthink everything #besides all of this idk why it gives me so much anxiety to just do this whole “party” thing yk #i guess i just hate being the center of attention and the fact that this is “my” day and everything revolves around me makes me anxious #i've always been a very reserved person but this year i've surpassed myself #like with the whole last year of high school thing and the exams to get into uni got me so stressed #and i've spent all school year (sept-june) without barely going out of my house (i literally only went out to go to class) #and i've spent all year saying: i'll go out when all of this ends in summer #but i was SO exhausted by the end of it that i just wanted to stay at home 24/7 #how did this end? well. i've only hang out with my group of friends once in the whole summer and it was on the july 4th #i've practically been ignoring the whatsapp group so i didn't have to make excuses not to meet up #i'm not proud of admitting that but it's not like i talked too much before so i guess it's not such a big deal #thinking about all of this made me realise that i might have social anxiety after all #i'm not at all surprised tbh but i didn't really know what i felt had a name yk #very random but i'm very happy that i was able to get to know JO and Jere thanks to eurovision cause i feel like they're holding me togethe #idk they just make me inexplicably happy and seeing all their content makes me smile even when i feel like shit #(big thanks to everyone on the fandom here btw ily all <3) #anyway i'll stop now cause this is turning out very long #this didn't get me anywhere but at least i feel a bit better ig #maca speaks

[transgaysex]

my emotions are all over the place

#wind howls #i feel like i am in a state of a mild anxiety attack. #perhaps i am anxious. huh. #atsv left me feeling weird which isnt a bad thing and i know that Specifically will pass. it happened with totk as well #but the travel to the movie and back were not great #so now im not feeling great. my body hurts and i feel vaguely sick. #i think a big part of it is me just. ranting to my boyfriend abt those events and my sibling listening in on me and texting me abt it #i think. that really really bothered me. my own privacy is very important to me. and i hate when it feels like thats taken from me #next time ill just text from the get go i guess. but also im just upset still. #i dont know how my sibling expects me to take their side in an 'argument' when the other side is my 11 year old baby sister. #and its not even an argument. its my baby sister just being a child and my sibling taking offense to her being a kid. #and like. its not even a case of me liking one of my siblings more than another. this is a case of 'youre being needlesly cruel to a kid.' #and somehow they havent realized by now that a kids wellbeing will always be more important to me than literally anything else. #especially when the kid is my own baby sister. #i dont like getting into arguments with my sibling because theyre strong and confrontational but also theyre just 18. almost 19. #theyre an adult ! but they still have all their teenage immaturity and fragility. #which obviously they refuse to acknowledge. because of the aforementioned immaturity and fragility. #genuinely if i had to pick anyone in my family that should talk to a therapist first. it would easily be my sibling. #i hope they get better soon for their own sake because i love them but my patience is running thin.

[n7viper]

I have spent too much brain power today on having an existential crisis about writing (again). partially that I'm exhausting a topic no one cares to discuss/a topic that has been exhausted and beaten to death (perhaps, but I don't mind when other people do that thing). also that I'm trying to allow myself to write small things with the micro prompts but then it's hard to convey what I want in few words. and then of course that I don't have the skill to convey what I want

#I am a nervous wreck today - first day back to the office #the only thing holding me together was a comm sketch (ty saif if you're seeing this - you held my brain together without knowing) #I am working on some other things in therapy and it's going well but I wish I could work on this faster #I wanna write! I wanna share! If I could bounce OC ideas off of other people I could make a lot of progress #but I'm so scared; I'm so anxious; I'm terrified people will hate me for something I say #yknow in hindsight it's funny that I was always like 'I didn't have a traumatic childhood' #as I sit here now and write a bullshit rambling post about how I can't write anything because I'm scared of people #viper pls

[sugaroto]

Tiktok realized I was feeling off with my friend before I did

#pov: you slowly start hating your bsf *song on the back sick of your voice sick of your face sick of~* #and i was like whaattt noooo i dont hate *him* and thought of that one while at the time we supposedly were a trio #i saw two tiktoks like that #and then he send me one like 'haha why is tiktok showing me that?' or something #haha lmao dude same!! i also saw 2 of those i dont understanddd #and its been months #and just the other day i was talking with my mom and i told her how I felt and how hes been annoying me for no reason or done/said stuff #that bothered me #sbsjjsjs #and also. the last months im speaking daily with someone else and maybe not even exchange a word with my 'bsf' even though we sit together #in the bus and like- when sometimes i compare the 2 of them or how their reactions to stuff i say are- #idk i feel like hes constantly judging me or doesn't care about what I have to say so sometimes i dont even bother #like at this point im looking forward to the days hes not taking the bus back home so i can listen to music instead of sitting in silence #its an unspoken rule to always sit on the same place and i dont want to break it. even though the other day he was like 'sit on the front #cause im studying' #ahhshs ugh the other day I was like 30 minutes anxious he would judge me about something I did wrong but he never did #like am i just making shit up?? idk sometimes he just annoys me and i feel like an asshole cause we've been friends for so many years but #i do feel a better treatment by the new people im hanging out with most of the time like; #i never pay attention when you talk/oh yeah i remember that random thing you mentioned last year #and like i get he doesn't care about what we were talking about but literally saying 'i never pay attention to you 2' like ok. why even #talk to each other then? ... Also im sick of everyone who says shit like 'once we graduate we'll never see each other again' like yeah #if you have an attitude like that. like half of us are neighbors. i literally heard someone say 'can we be friends until july to go to the #concert?' and the other person was like why are you talking like that why wouldn't we be? and my bsf is one of those people who cant wait #to graduate and never return here #...oof ok im gonna go take a bath Goodbye #sugarenia talks #sugarenia diary #sugarenia has friends #sugarenia doesn't have friends

[bat-the-misfit]

man they cancelled my dentist appointment AGAIN how i wish i had money to not depend on these free health care pieces of shit

#you wait for months just for them to cancel on the day #man my teeth are all fucked up #it's been years i've had braces but i couldn't treat them bc i didn't have money #there's these two teeth who are so wrong of place i feel ridiculous when i smile and i think everyone will laugh at how ugly i am #the tooth i made root canal treatment had the silver thing covering it broken and now the rest of it keeps breaking as i eat #i barely have this tooth now and i always get anxious of getting caries on my healthy teeth 😭 #my teeth are my biggest insecurity #i've had problems with them since i was very little #i really NEEDED to go there today #i was screaming for help #i hate having to go to these free health centers the government gives #they always let me down #i fear my teeth might get even worse to the point they will all rot and fall down #i'm so heartbroken i really wanted to start fixing my teeth again #especially braces #oh man i want to cry 😭 #tio morcego tá destruído #tio morcego tá pistola #free health care centers are like friends #they will always leave you when you most need #“wow Bat you can joke while still angry??” yeah lol i can also trigger an erythromelalgia flare while i'm angry!!! :D #i'm having one right now look i'm so powerful i can multitask!!! :D #I WOULD PUNCH SMTH RIGHT NOW IF IT DIDN'T MADE MY FLARE WORSE UUUUUGH I'M SO PISSED