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insomniumstella · 3 years

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heartbreaks

bucky x reader

summary: Bucky has experienced many heartbreaks in his life but this might just be the most painful

warnings: angst, some talk about blood, guns, knives, but not really

word count: 1,456

author’s note: got my heart broken and this is the outcome. ruelle’s the other side & war of heart songs fit this perfectly

Bucky was a man of heartbreak. Throughout his life, he experienced many. Some were more gentle than others, but all of them hurt nonetheless. The heartbreak of getting rejected back in his teen years, or the heartbreak of having to see Steve getting beat up. The pain of losing a sister, and later on, the pain of losing himself. The crushing guilt of taking someone's life; it didn't matter if he wasn't in control when he killed all those people. The sin and sorrow didn't ease. Bucky didn't enjoy pain, but he was for sure familiar with it. An intimate feeling but never a pleasurable one. It always crept upon him when he least expected it too. Sometimes it was soft, so slight Bucky wondered if it was even there. Other times, well other times, the pain was excruciating and exhausting, an icy cold feeling that crept into his bones and froze him in place. Those times were the hardest. In those times, he felt utterly hopeless. And even though he promised himself he wouldn't let the pain consume him ever again, there's no way to stop your heart from breaking. That night, the night when Steve walked in with y/n's nearly lifeless body in his hands, proved that pain always finds a way. It's ruthless and unpredictable.

"What happened?" Both Sam and Bucky jumped from their seats. Steve didn't have the energy to answer. His eyes were dull and tired and pleading for someone, anyone, to get the help y/n needed. Bucky saw the injuries on his best friend's body, but the deep, gushing red wounds on y/n made Steve's seem insignificant.

"Buck?" Bucky didn't realize he froze. Didn't realize pain bound him in his bones again. He didn't think much after that, not when her life depended on him. It took a split second for the soldier to take y/n's body from Steve and start running to the medical wing. Bucky has never run this fast in his entire life, not even when his life depended on it. Not even when people chased after him with guns and knives, ready to cut his heart out. No, this was the fastest Bucky has ever run. If Bucky ran fast enough, then maybe, just maybe, she'd get to live. He pressed her tighter to his chest.

"I need a doctor, please." Usually, Bucky remained calm. Usually, he only spoke when it was necessary. Over the years, words became a luxury Bucky didn't feel worthy of. He grew accustomed to staying silent and it's what he did most days. Some thought he was weird, a deadly outcast, a dangerous loner if you will. Others, oh, others didn't even try speaking to him. He was The Winter Soldier after all. What if he lost control? What if he tried to kill them? It was a title destined to burden him forever. Three simple words he could never get rid of, no matter how much or how hard he tried to run away from them. If one thing was for sure, it was that no one could ever hate him more than Bucky hated himself. He was a monster, right? Bucky accepted that the word monster was a name fit for a man like him until she came along.

"She'll survive, right?" He asked once again.

"Mister Barnes, I need you to remove your hand from the stretcher. We're taking her into the emergency surgery room now." Bucky took a shaky breath. y/n was a woman like nothing else. She'd yell snarky remarks at strangers if they looked at him for too long. Ask him the most ridiculous questions to get him to open up, and every once in a while, crack a smile because they were so stupid, he couldn't keep a neutral face. Lounge at him full speed during training when the only other person brave enough to do so was Steve; no, she gave her all every time. Never treated him as a broken man, but always sat outside his bedroom door to let him know she's there if he needs her. Accepted every touch he gave and didn't dare to ask for more, even though Bucky knew how much she loved it. y/n was extraordinary, so it came as no surprise that her love was extraordinary too. A special kind of love people hope to find in their lifetime.

"Please. I need to be in there." Bucky wasn't ready to let go. The world wasn't ready to lose a soul like y/n. Bucky wasn't ready to lose y/n. It was a mean, painful heartbreak to see her fighting for her life and, as much as Bucky hated to admit it, losing.

“Please. Just tell me she’s fine.” He broke down, voice hoarse and tired.

"Mister Barnes, let go." And so they wheeled her away, leaving Bucky utterly hopeless. He hated feeling hopeless. Hated feeling as if there wasn't anything he could do to help. But he wasn't a doctor, wasn't a nurse either, so the only thing he could do was wait.

"You're okay?" Sam sat down beside him. It was just the two of them in the waiting room.

"I'm fine. How's Steve?"

"He needs a couple of bandages, but he'll survive." Sam joked, but his smile quickly fell when he noticed Bucky's expression. "I'm sure y/n will too." The only thing Bucky could do was nod. He thought about the first time she came into his room to help with the nightmares. Sleepy-eyed, wearing an old t-shirt and boxers for a pajama, a pair of fluffy socks on her feet, another in her hand. Here, warm feet, warm thoughts, she said then. Bucky couldn't lose her. He didn't have the chance to admit he wears those damn socks to bed every night since then. He thought about his first birthday at the compound. It was 5 am, everyone else was sleeping, so it came as a surprise when he found y/n in the kitchen when he walked in. The smell of coffee in the room, flour all over her face, clothes, the counters, and a crooked smile on her face. I wasn't sure what to get you for your birthday, so I baked a cake. Sorry it’s kind of ugly!, she said then. It was a very messily decorated cake with too much salt added to it, but Bucky was sure she stayed up all night just to make it for him, so it was the best cake he ever had. Bucky couldn't lose her. He didn't have the chance to admit that the cake meant more to him than she'll ever know. He thought about the first time he joined her for her usual Friday movie night. She had managed to escape going to a fancy gala with the others, instead opting for sweatpants and a big hoodie to hide all bruises and cuts from their mission a couple of hours prior. Bucky was mad as hell at her for the decisions she made on the field that day. I'm alive! No need to worry, she said then, chuckling, but it was the first time he saw fear paint her features. She fell asleep halfway into the movie, her body so worn out it fell against his. Bucky fell asleep a couple of minutes after that, and they both had the pleasure of explaining why they were "cuddling" to their teammates the next morning. But it was the first time Bucky slept peacefully through the night, so he couldn't lose her. He didn't have the chance to admit he was mad because he cared, perhaps so much it scared him, about her. He thought about the first times they snuck out from the compound together for late-night walks. The first times they spent the nights in each other's rooms. The first times they cuddled on movie nights for real. He thought about the first time they kissed too. That time she didn't say much, afraid it was all an illusion, but her body spoke volumes. The feeling of her lips on his, and her trembling hands finding their way into his hair, the nervous but cute smile when they pulled away? Bucky won't ever forget that. So no, he can't lose her yet, because he didn't have the chance to admit he fell in love. Deeply, painfully in love with her.

"Mister Barnes." Sam had already left him to go to sleep when the doctor approached him hours later. It took 4 coffees just for Bucky to stay awake but it didn't matter. All that mattered was her.

"Yes?"

"I'm afraid I have some bad news for you."

One sentence was enough to make the world underneath Bucky’s feet come crashing down.

#bucky x reader #bucky x you #bucky angst #bucky x reader angst #bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes x reader angst #bucky x you angst #bucky imagine #bucky oneshot #heartbreak

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aimlesswalker · 3 years

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Being autistic and having adhd really fucks with my sense of attraction. I’ve realized I don’t/rarely experience sexual attraction for uhh a decade now? I’ve realized I don’t experience romantic attraction for three years now. And I’m starting to realize I don’t experience platonic attraction either. I just... I don’t feel ~drawn~ to people. People approach me and if the vibes are right then maybe we’ll spend more time together. I don’t care enough to pursue anyone, to be the active pursuer. Ever. I don’t think of people when they’re not around. I only seem to make friends when someone chases after me or if they’re people I spend time doing things with regularly (like a club).

Part of my experience of being autistic is feeling disconnected from the rest of the world. People connect in ways I can’t seem to understand, there’s so many social rules I can’t seem to understand. Even with the people I get along with, even with the friends I make, I feel like an outsider. I feel hollow compared to everyone smiling and getting along so easily. I feel alien, like a glitch, like something that isn’t supposed to exist. I don’t really know how to make friends. (And this isn’t just a lack of social skills or whatever, it’s about the lack of platonic attraction and about neurodivergent brains being different) I don’t know what brings two people together. I don’t know what to do with other people if it’s not some pre-agreed upon activity. I don’t know how to be the pursuer because I think about that person in particular and all I can conjure up is a “meh?” feeling. There’s no real motivation to get to know them further unless they’ve already pursued me and I’ve formed some sort of attachment and found out that I enjoy their company. And even then... I can never point to any specific thing about a person other than “they were there?” or I enjoy doing X with them. Even then, if the person is pursuing me too strongly, if they’re more attached than I am, I feel put-off, repulsed.

And I know a lot of that repulsion is rooted in relationship trauma, in this codependent relationship I had where I felt trapped and confined. I overcompensated by being as independent as possible. I don’t want anyone to rely on me, to need me. That feels bad. I don’t want to be the linchpin that someone else’s emotional health rests upon. I also feel uncomfortable in a relationship where our feelings are mismatched because the other person usually places all these expectations on me that I find suffocating. This is especially the case for romantic relationships. They always expect so much, they expect me to feel and act a certain way and make me feel guilty for not being romantically attracted to them. It’s repulsive.

I don’t even experience familial bonds. I don’t know what that’s supposed to feel like. My blood family are just people in my life. I know them, I know I’m supposed to feel something for them, but the spot where I’m supposed to find that is just… hollow? (Does that make me a monster) Like I don’t hate my parents, I appreciate all that they do for me, I respect that they care for me and I set aside time to have dinner with them, but? I don’t even have a real concept of “found family”. They’re familial bonds to people who aren’t your blood relatives, but what does that feel like? It’s not platonic, it’s not romantic, it’s not alterous, it’s something else completely. But I struggle to word exactly how it’s different. I’m just… not sure I feel familial attachment in the way most other people seem to.

And yet? I still experience “love”. It’s not what people usually think of when they hear the word, but I bond deeply to a few rare people and I enjoy expressing my affection towards them via physical touch and/or sex. I don’t care if I’m “not allowed” to call it love bc it’s so different, bc it’s not based on attraction. I’m lovequeer so fuck you.

So if it’s not based on attraction, then why do I form bonds with people? I still want friends. I want people to talk about things with! Whether that’s my day, something that’s bothering me, a morality/ethical question, current events, fandom, etc. I want interesting conversations with interesting people. I want people to do the activities I like with- like going to museums or playing board games or swing dancing. I want people to cuddle with and have sex with. Because all of those things are fun! Those things bring enjoyment to life. I also want people I can ask for help or advice from because I can’t do everything on my own. I like seeking outside perspectives to grow as a person. I like people who can challenge me and help me be better, who I can grow alongside of.

Which is a lot of why I don’t generally enjoy surface level relationships- because I don’t know how to act in them. I like a lot of emotional intimacy in my relationships! That’s the lifeblood of any connection I form. What’s the point if it’s not there? What’s driving me to seek out this person without it? I usually call the desire for emotional intimacy “alterous attraction”, but I don’t experience this often. While I like emotional intimacy with people as a general thing, I rarely experience the desire for it from a specific person.

Which often throws me to the outskirts of society, not being able to form those sorts of bonds with other people, like coworkers or peers or mentors or anything. I end up not having people to rely upon, which is a key part of humanity (being able to depend on others, we’re typically a social species) but also the way society is set up. Due to amatonormativity, society is not set up for someone to be alone; everything is set up for a set of partners or a nuclear family. There’s also no support systems for those who need it, like financial aid or disability aid or food stamps. They’re set up to be as difficult as possible to obtain. You’re expected to have other people in your life you can rely on. But I don’t.

It’s part that I struggle to bond with people, part not feeling platonic attraction, but also part I don’t mind being alone. I’ve always been alone. I have plenty of things to enrich my life. I don’t see the point in talking to people, in making friends if they’re not going to be people I can get close to. I’m struggling to put that into words. But I was always the quiet kid. And I used to be ashamed of that, because society shames people for being “weird” or being “outcasts” for not having friends. But that’s just part of who I am. I prefer listening to what’s going on around me, I don’t care to join in other than for the shame of being excluded. Or is that what I tell myself to make being alone and disconnected from the entire world feel more palatable?

Because, while I struggle to form bonds and am generally ok alone, I crave community, I crave emotionally intimate relationships. I don’t want romance because of the repulsion, so that ends up being a craving for friends (because society has a fucked up binary of friends or romantic partner). And I vibe with all those posts by aros talking about how deep and important friendship can be. I vibe with those posts talking about a (queer)platonic polycule. I like the sound of those things. In theory. But the only close bonds I seem to be able to form are alterous ones. Not queerplatonic, not deeper than is considered socially acceptable for platonic relationships, but alterous ones! Not platonic, alterous. But where else am I going to find aromantic and aplatonic people that aren’t nonamorous or non-partnering? Will I always have to sacrifice and subdue the parts of me that are repulsed by getting close to people?

#aplatonic #greyplatonic #aromantic #amatonormativity #actuallyautistic #actuallyadhd #actuallynd #send help #idk my head is full of jelly #this probably isn't eloquent at all

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twoidiotwriters1 · 3 years

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Written In The Stars CVII (Harry Potter xF!Oc)

A/N: I’m not entirely pleased with this book, I could’ve added more stuff but it was already too big so I’ll just write 'em as hidden moments. The last two chapters are still a MASTERPIECE, i can’t wait for y’all to read them -Danny

Words: 3,467

Series’ Masterlist

Previous Chapter // Next Chapter

Listen to ‘Six Feet Apart’ -by Alec Benjamin

Chapter Five: Out of the Routine.

"You think he'll be all right?"

"Harry did nothing wrong– conjure a Patronus in the condition he was... that's impressive!"

"You can make one, can't you? What form does it take?"

"A dog of course," Sirius smiled. "A shaggy, fluffy lad..."

"Mine's an eagle– Matt could conjure a phoenix, but I guess you knew that..."

"So, Sirius..." Mel hopped on the table. "How was my mum when she was younger?"

"I was a loving, rational witch," The woman replied. "Next question–"

"You were loving all right," Sirius raised a brow. "But that wasn't it. I distinctly remember one afternoon when I said you were nowhere near as skilled as James to play quidditch... When you finally made it into the team –as a beater, mind you– you threw a bludger right at my face."

"It proved my point," The woman said. "However, I'm trying to teach this one better manners than the ones I had–"

"Doesn't seem to be working," Sirius teased.

"What I really wanna know..." Mel continued, interrupting their playful banter. "Who was the real heartbreaker of the group? Was it you, Sirius?"

"Me?" Sirius snorted. "I had a few dates but I didn't break hearts. People considered me too childish."

"They were right about that," Emily said. "I used to think James was the heartbreaker..."

"James was harmless! He spent years chasing Lily like a puppy– But of course, you wouldn't have noticed–"

"Remus was quite the catch too," She gave him a pointed look.

"Ah, yes– Remus," Sirius stammered. "Remus... you know what? I reckon we held him back from getting a few lovely girls back in the day."

"How come?"

"He would always think that girls were after us– You know, James and I– but I believe most of them were after him and Matt!"

"Can't blame them," Emily smiled.

"Ruddy was the heartbreaker, to be honest..."

"What?" Mel laughed. "My dad? The same bloke that spent years chasing my mother just like James with Lily?"

"He was in love with your mother, but the bastard was clever!" Emily scolded Sirius and he apologized distractedly. "He knew how to flirt his way out of detention!"

"Flirt his way out?" Mel couldn't believe it.

"Those eyes..." The woman sighed. "One look and a dashing smile and you were a goner! I was so glad when I discovered you didn't have 'em! Hard to say no when he was looking at you in a certain way..."

"She may not have his eyes, but she certainly got the look," Sirius smirked. "I could tell you exactly when I've seen her do it–"

"Padfoot, you're playing with fire," Emily warned him. "Teach that girl how to trick others and soon enough she'll have a group of fools under her command!"

"Is that so bad? Ouch!" Mel joked, earning a slap on her arm. "All right– I promise I won't use any tricks with you... What about school, though? You know some kids are bullies, this might come in handy."

"Sounds good to me! Here's what you do..." The man stood in front of her.

For the next hour, Sirius practised with her until Emily gave up and sat as well, sharing a few tricks of her own. By the time they walked out of the kitchen to do their chores, Mel was well versed in the tricks of the Marauders.

She promised that she wouldn't do any of those things for the fun of it, and never to a friend. Desperate times required desperate measures, that was all. She was aware of how she'd rambled for years about hating lies, but she also needed to convince everyone that her crush had vanished. There was no other choice.

Harry announced, looking much livelier than before, that all charges had been taken and he was going back to Hogwarts for another year.

"I knew it! You always get away with stuff!" Ron exclaimed.

"They were bound to clear you. There was no case against you, none at all..." Hermione smiled, but she was a bit pale still.

"Everyone seems quite relieved, though, considering they all knew I'd get off," Harry joked as Emily stood behind him, running a hand through his hair with pride.

"You've got your sense of humour back, then?" Mel asked. "Good, you were starting to get annoying..."

Harry gave her a look divided between amusement and doubt, he didn't know if she was joking. She wasn't planning on clearing things out either.

"He got off, he got off, he got off —!"

"That's enough, settle down!" Mr Weasley told his kids, waving a hand as if that could quiet them. "Listen, Sirius, Lucius Malfoy was at the Ministry —"

"What?"

"He got off, he got off, he got off —"

"Be quiet, you three! Yes, we saw him talking to Fudge on level nine, then they went up to Fudge's office together. Dumbledore ought to know."

"Absolutely– We'll tell him, don't worry."

"Well, I'd better get going, there's a vomiting toilet in Bethnal Green waiting for me. Molly, I'll be late, I'm covering for Tonks, but Kingsley might be dropping in for dinner —"

"He got off, he got off, he got off —"

"That's enough — Fred — George — Ginny!" said Mrs Weasley. "Harry dear, come and sit down, have some lunch, you hardly ate breakfast..."

" 'Course, once Dumbledore turned up on your side, there was no way they were going to convict you," said Ron, sitting down in front of Harry and putting a bunch of food on his plate.

"Yeah, he swung it for me," said Harry.

Mel leaned against the cabinets, examining him carefully. For some reason, Harry acting all giddy and happy only made her feel sadder. She wanted to look like that too, she wanted to pretend nothing was wrong and she was sure that if she were to try and sit next to him, Harry would let her. Still, part of her was hurting, Harry'd walked away because he'd gotten scared about the lifeline and true to his nature he'd tried to protect her.

The idea made her blood boil. Who was he to decide? It was her life! Not only that, but his stupid plan hadn't worked at all, now she could feel even more stuff than the previous year. To hell with pretending they were still friends. She moved away from the cabinet to leave the kitchen when Harry hissed, touching his scar.

"What's up?" said Hermione.

"Scar– But it's nothing... It happens all the time now..." The boy caught her staring and she froze.

"Well," Mel replied crudely. "You should learn to control it– Don't want that happening during class..."

"Mel! Don't be so unfeeling–"

"She's right," Harry agreed, giving her a hard look. "I don't want to give any more ideas to the Daily Prophet."

Sirius was acting like a child and it was driving her crazy. It was half selfishness and half worry. She wanted nothing more but to make Sirius realize he wasn't going to be alone nor unhappy. He had Emily, and Mel was pretty sure that they were on the verge of something.

Without Sirius, she was forced to spend more time with Ron, Harry and Hermione, because if she were to spent time with Ginny she would only think about Harry and their time together.

The twins were excellent distractions, but Fred was always trying to flirt and though it was a joke and wasn't making her uncomfortable, she was starting to like it. That worried her. She didn't want to ruin their friendship.

"You belong at Hogwarts and Sirius knows it. Personally, I think he's being selfish," She heard Hermione say one afternoon while they were cleaning more rubbish.

"That's a bit harsh, Hermione, you wouldn't want to be stuck inside this house without company," Ron explained.

"He'll have company!" said Hermione. "It's headquarters to the Order of the Phoenix, isn't it? Emily is here almost all the time! He just got his hopes up that Harry would be coming to live here with him."

"I don't think that's true– He wouldn't give me a straight answer when I asked him if I could."

"He just didn't want to get his own hopes up even more– And he probably felt a bit guilty himself, because I think a part of him was really hoping you'd be expelled. Then you'd both be outcasts together."

"Come off it!" said the boys.

"Suit yourselves. But I sometimes think Ron's mum's right, and Sirius gets confused about whether you're you or your father, Harry."

"So you think he's touched in the head?"

"No, I just think he's been very lonely for a long time," Hermione shrugged.

"I have to agree," Mel was dying to talk about her suspicions with someone apart from her uncle. "I think that's about to change, though..."

"What d'you mean?"

"I'm saying," She looked around. "My mother and Sirius are spending a lot of time together..."

They looked at her silently until Hermione asked, "Wait, you don't think..?"

"I do."

"And you're okay with it?"

"Mum's been alone for years, it's time. Even better if it's Sirius."

"Dunno," Ron said awkwardly. "Bit weird to think of Sirius and Em together, don't you think? Them being friends for so long... I mean, Sirius was friends with your dad, wouldn't that make things weird?"

"Why?" Mel frowned.

"It'd be like betraying him, wouldn't it?"

"My dad's dead, Ron," She replied bluntly. "Don't you think he would've liked to see my mother with someone that would treat her well? Someone he knew?"

"Maybe..." He shrugged. "I just don't see Sirius as a dad–"

"Whatever," She thought it had been stupid to think they would support her idea.

Harry opened his mouth to say something, but Mrs Weasley interrupted.

"Still not finished?"

"I thought you might be here to tell us to have a break!" said Ron "D'you know how much mold we've got rid of since we arrived here?"

"You were so keen to help the Order, you can do your bit by making headquarters fit to live in."

"I feel like a house-elf..."

"Well, now that you understand what dreadful lives they lead, perhaps you'll be a bit more active in S.P.E.W.! You know, maybe it wouldn't be a bad idea to show people exactly how horrible it is to clean all the time — we could do a sponsored scrub of Gryffindor common room, all proceeds to S.P.E.W., it would raise awareness as well as funds —"

"I'll sponsor you to shut up about spew," Ron muttered, Hermione didn't hear it.

"Have you guys gotten your letters?" Mel entered the boys' room. "You won't believe who's got her Prefect–"

The twins apparated, causing her to scream.

"You twats!"

"Sorry, Lady! We were just wondering who assigned the Slinkhard book," said Fred.

"Because it means Dumbledore's found a new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher," said George.

"And about time too."

"What d'you mean?" Harry asked.

"Well, we overheard Mum and Dad talking on the Extendable Ears a few weeks back, and from what they were saying, Dumbledore was having real trouble finding anyone to do the job this year."

"Not surprising, is it, when you look at what's happened to the last four?"

"One sacked, one dead, one's memory removed, and one locked in a trunk for nine months," Harry counted with his fingers. "Yeah, I see what you mean."

"The dead one and the idiot without memory had it coming," Mel mentioned, sitting down on Harry's bed.

"What's up with you, Ron? What's the matter?" Fred approached the boy and read over his shoulder, his eyes widening. "Prefect?"

"Prefect?!" George got closer and snatched the letter from Ron's hand, the badge falling from it. "No way..."

"There's been a mistake– No one in their right mind would make Ron a prefect... We thought you were a cert!"

"We thought Dumbledore was bound to pick you two!" said George, pointing at Mel and Harry.

"Funny you mention it..." Mel said, but they didn't let her finish.

"Winning the Triwizard and everything!" Fred continued.

"I suppose all the mad stuff must've counted against him," said George.

"Yeah... Yeah, you've caused too much trouble, mate. Well, at least one of you's got their priorities right, though I must say, Mel, I'm a tad disappointed about you being a Prefect."

"How d'you know I'm one?"

"C'mon! There's no way you're not! Private lessons and all..." Fred walked over to Harry and glared at Ron and Mel. "Prefect... ickle Ronnie and Lady Dumbledore..."

"Oh, Mum's going to be revolting," George rolled his eyes.

Ron, who still had not said a word, took the badge, stared at it for a moment, and then held it out to Harry as though asking mutely for confirmation that it was genuine. Harry took it. A large P was superimposed on the Gryffindor lion. He had seen a badge just like this on Percy's chest on his very first day at Hogwarts.

The door banged open. Hermione came tearing into the room, her cheeks flushed and her hair flying. There was an envelope in her hand.

"Did you — did you get — ?" She spotted the badge in Harry's hand and let out a shriek. "I knew it!" she said excitedly, brandishing her letter. "Me too, Harry, me too!"

The twins turned to look at Mel with matching shocked expressions.

"No," Harry quickly dropped the badge on Ron's hand. "It's Ron, not me."

"It — what?"

"Ron's prefect, not me."

"Ron?" Hermione blinked. "But... are you sure? I mean —"

"How come you're not a prefect?" George asked Mel. "Hermione's clever– but you–"

"I've caused as much trouble as Harry," She shrugged. "And I would've told you so if you hadn't interrupted me! And yes, 'Mione, that badge belongs to Ron."

"It's my name on the letter," Ron straighten his posture as if daring her to speak.

"I... I... well... wow! Well done, Ron! That's really —"

"Unexpected?" said George.

"No! No, it's not... Ron's done loads of... he's really..."

"He's clever, brave, and has done nothing to prove he doesn't deserve that badge as much as Harry," Mel replied. Ron blushed furiously.

Mrs Weasley walked into the room holding some folded robes.

"Ginny said the booklists had come at last... If you give them to me, Emily and I will take them over to Diagon Alley this afternoon and get your books while you're packing. Ron, I'll have to get you more pyjamas, these are at least six inches too short, I can't believe how fast you're growing... what colour would you like?"

"Get him red and gold to match his badge," said George in disgust.

"Match his what?"

"His badge," Fred grimaced. "His lovely shiny new prefect's badge."

Mrs Weasley rose her face in slow understanding.

"His... but... Ron, you're not..?"

Ron held up his badge timidly.

"I don't believe it! I don't believe it! Oh, Ron, how wonderful! A prefect! That's everyone in the family!"

"What are Fred and I, next-door neighbours?" said George, huffing when his mother pushed him out of the way. Mel patted his shoulder, holding back her laughter.

"Wait until your father hears! Ron, I'm so proud of you, what wonderful news, you could end up Head Boy just like Bill and Percy, it's the first step! Oh, what a thing to happen in the middle of all this worry, I'm just thrilled, oh Ronnie —"

Mel laughed, incapable to hold any longer. Both twins were beyond displeased. What surprised her the most, was that she found herself pleased about not being a prefect.

"Mum... don't... Mum, get a grip..." Ron groaned as his mother continued to kiss all over his face.

"Well, what will it be? We gave Percy an owl, but you've already got one, of course."

"W-what do you mean?"

"You've got to have a reward for this! How about a nice new set of dress robes?"

"We've already bought him some," Fred lamented.

"Or a new cauldron, Charlie's old one's rusting through, or a new rat, you always liked Scabbers —"

"Mum... can I have a new broom?" When he saw her mother's look of uncertainty, he added, "Not a really good one! Just — just a new one for a change..."

Mrs Weasley smiled lovingly.

"Of course you can... Well, I'd better go get Emily if we've got a broom to buy too. I'll see you all later... Little Ronnie, a prefect! And don't forget to pack your trunks... A prefect... Oh, I'm all of a dither!"

"You don't mind if we don't kiss you, do you, Ron?" said Fred as soon as their mother left.

"We could curtsy if you like," said George.

"Oh, shut up," said Ron.

"Or what? Going to put us in detention?" Fred smirked.

"I'd love to see him try," sniggered George.

"He could if you don't watch out!" said Hermione.

Mel laughed along with the twins. She heard Ron mumble 'Drop it, Hermione' and she took pity on her poor friend.

"Enough you two!" She hit Fred's arm lightly. "Ron didn't ask to be made a prefect."

"We're going to have to watch our step, George," said Fred, pretending to be fearful, "with these two on our case..."

"Yeah, it looks like our law-breaking days are finally over," said George with a dramatic sigh.

The twins Disapparated after that.

"Those two!" said Hermione furiously, staring up at the ceiling, through which they could now hear Fred and George roaring with laughter in the room upstairs. "Don't pay any attention to them, Ron, they're only jealous!"

"I don't think they are," said Ron doubtfully, also looking up at the ceiling. "They've always said only prats become prefects... Still," he added on a happier note, "they've never had new brooms! I wish I could go with Mum and choose... She'll never be able to afford a Nimbus, but there's the new Cleansweep out, that'd be great... Yeah, I think I'll go and tell her I like the Cleansweep, just so she knows..."

Mel watched him rush out of the room.

"Harry?" said Hermione.

"Well done!" His voice sounded too happy to be genuine. "Brilliant. Prefect. Great."

"Thanks... Erm — Harry — could I borrow Hedwig so I can tell Mum and Dad? They'll be really pleased — I mean, prefect is something they can understand —"

"Yeah, no problem," He had his back to them, still talking with too much joy. "Take her!"

Mel waited until Hermione left with Hedwig, she waited until their friend closed the door... Harry straighten up from packing his trunk and sat heavily on the edge of his bed. He hadn't noticed she was still there and quickly covered his face with both hands as he grimaced.

She didn't know what to do, if this had happened a year back she would've held his hand and they would've found a way to cheer up. She wasn't upset about not being a prefect because her priorities had changed a bit since she was a kid, but seeing the disappointment in his eyes... They weren't friends, but she was decent enough to not walk away.

"I suppose you feel hurt."

Harry gave a start revealing his teary eyes to her, Mel continued calmly.

"If you don't want to talk about it, that's fine," She made her way to Ron's bed and sat down. "But I get it, my twelve-year-old self is rolling on her grave."

"I... I don't..." Harry stammered, then fixed his eyes on the corner of the wardrobe.

He stayed quiet for a few seconds before a bitter, sarcastic laugh came out. He shook his head slowly and cleaned his nose with the back of his hand.

"You're right– Ron didn't ask for this... I shouldn't..."

Mel wasn't going to pressure him. If he was going to talk great, if not, she'd done enough. The sound of footsteps brought them back and Harry composed himself at the speed of light. He stood up and fixed a casual grin on his face at the exact moment Ron burst into the room.

"Just caught her! She says she'll get the Cleansweep if she can."

"Cool... Listen — Ron — well done, mate."

Ron's face changed drastically.

"I never thought it would be me! I thought it would be you!"

"Nah, I've caused too much trouble," Harry admitted. "Mel's right, we're too far gone."

"I have to pack my stuff..." Mel stood up, patting Harry's shoulder but retreating her hand as if he were burning to the touch.

She didn't know what she could've said. That he wasn't completely alone, perhaps. That they could still find a common ground and talk, hopefully soon.

Next Chapter —>

Taglist.

@dee123ksha @vampiregirl1797 @siriuslysirius1107 @stardusthigh @mikariell95 @vernon-dursley @thesuitelifeofafangirl @tomshollandz @kylosleftbuttcheek @reverse-hxlland @bloodorangemoonlight @omiwashere @t-rexs-world

#twoidiots writing #hp fanfic #Harry Potter #harry potter fanfiction #harry potter xoc #WITT fic

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hwangdol · 5 years

Text

n.jm: where are you?

summary: jaemin is just a little (very) misunderstood

pairing: highschool!fboi!jaemin x fem!reader

note: gUESS WHOSE BACK IN TOWN?!?!?!? y’all already know the routine: poor grammar, crackheads, a fuck ton of cursing i think, and drug references (*coughs* stoner-boi!haechan *coughs*). this isn’t the last part so theres def gonna be a part three, i just have too much to write for jaemin and i don’t wanna rush things too much, but i also don’t wanna leave you all hanging. so enjoy. but also make sure to read part one first so you can be in the know~

“because she knew that i was in love with you”

it took you a good m i n u t e to register jaemin’s words, not that you even comprehended the weight of his words either.

you didn’t know how to respond so like a normal person you started laughing awkwardly to ease the tension, “you’re joking right?”

he hAD to be bc there was no way in hell that the biggest fuckboy of the whole school, na jaemin once harbored a one-sided love for you, right?

a small flash of hurt flashed across jaemin’s eyes that you couldn’t catch since his whole demeanor immediately brighten u again and one of his signature playful smiles on was back on his face.

.“i can’t ever fool you can i?” he chuckled shaking his head.

“no but seriously, why didn’t you go to hoco sophomore year? you were supposed to be hoco royalty with ella,” you picked at the melting ice cream.

jaemin shrugged, “maybe i just didn’t feel like it.”

he seems so nonchalant on the outside, but on the inside, na jaemin is thinking of 1001 ways to disappear off the face of the earth.

what did he expect in the first place? that you would just accept his belated confession that quickly?

but he’s now big s a d, but he ain't going let that show. no, no, no, it ruins his go-with-the-flow personality and the “playboy” role everyone put him in.

“do you have something to do after school tomorrow?” jaemin asked once the two had finished your sundae and the two of you were waiting for your ride to come to pick you up.

you shook your head at his question, knowing that haechan would mostly like ditch your afterschool hang out to get high with mark or chill at that one girl's house

“why?” you asked.

“how about we hang out then?” jaemin asked so casually. he was just that good at hiding his real feels

“can i ask why you’re suddenly trying to hang out with me more often? its weird” you say back, not like the feeling that was bubbling in your throat. was he trying to mess around with you? did he run out of girls to play with?

jaemin pouted slightly, ‘i’m simply trying to reconnect with my old friend. besides, i need help with the prom decorations and since you already finished it, you should know how to do them quickly.”

“i’ll see” is all you say.

and you leave, not knowing what you did to his poor little heart.

poor jaemin got ghosted bc you never reached out to him in the days to follow to “hang out”. the two of you would make eye contact at school, but you always quickly looked away.

:( x 10

it wasn’t that jaemin was shock by your cold treatment, but he was holding onto the hope that you didn’t see him as na jaemin the resident fuckboi, but as na jaemin the boy who was once the prince to your little princess. except jaemin knew very well that this isn’t a fairy tale, just cruel reality.

life is a little bitch and it was messing him the fuck up!

however, na jaemin is a coward and he knows this.

which is why he feels more comfortable when he’s surrounded by others wearing the mask that was carefully crafted for him than when he’s all by himself.

bc when’s he completely alone, when no one is around, he’s left with no one but himself.

the one person he hates the most in the world.

when did it begin?

when did he care more about what others think than what he thought? when did he begin to follow the crowd?

when did he lose himself?

maybe it began around sophomore year, when he first agreed to date ella. something that he wouldn’t have agreed to if it weren’t for you asking that of him.

he could never say no to you. the one who held his heart in the palm of his hands.

did he ever like ella?

he tried to, but it was kinda hard when the only reason why he said yes to her confession was to make you happy. he remembered the way your eyes lit up in happiness as he and ella broke the news to you

you looked like the happiest girl in the world and he felt his heart race at the sight, but not when ella confess to him.

it was useless pining, he knew that. you only saw him as a close friend and especially now that he was with your bestfriend.

that was why he tried soooooo hard to get himself to feel things for ella.

he spent most of his time with her, even ditching his homie student-athlete!jeno (who he often found himself feeling jealous of when he found out that jeno crashed at your house to have a movie marathon with you multiple times)

but he just couldn’t feel anything for ella. so he began to lie.

the first time he lied, it ate him up inside. the simple three words, eight letters phrase was hard to say when you don’t actually mean it.

but as jaemin found himself repeating the lie over and over again, the guilt that was always lingering in the back of his mind slowly went away until he had gotten used to it.

it became natural for him to lie.

to everyone and to himself

people always told him that it must be nice having a face like his, but every time he looked in the mirror, he felt nothing but hatred for the person staring back at him.

at school, he did nothing but play the charming guy that everyone saw him as. he did things that would please the crowd and he felt good when they responded the way he wanted. he overlooked things that he once thought was wrong just to be in good graces with the others.

when donghyuck had his little altercation with jeno, jaemin never felt more jealous in his life. donghyuck chose to be himself, he broke free of the mold that everyone fit him in. he had the courage that jaemin doesn’t

if someone told him to take off his persona, he wouldn’t know what to do. he’s lived this way for so long that he had forgotten who he really was. what he really wanted in life. what truly made him happy.

was he even happy? jaemin didn’t know.

which is why he didn’t know what to do when he overheard ella’s conversation with one of her other friends.

“do we really have to invite y/n too? i don’t want her do come with us to hoco. she’s such a party pooper.”

“i don’t want to either, but i’m only keeping her around because she’s the reason why i’m with jaemin in the first place.”

“isn’t weird that the two of them have been close friends for a while and she hasn’t had any feeling for him?”

“she did,” he hears ella admit. “until i told her that i liked jaemin and then she totally dropped him like that for me.”

“she’s kind of annoying though, always hanging around the two of you. she’s kinda clingy too, no one even likes her in our group.”

“just deal with her for now and we can ice her out later.”

FAKE BITCHES

anyways, jaemin didn’t know what to do so he walked away and pretended that he didn’t hear the conversation. but there's only so much he can just ignore, and this is one of them.

the familiar guilt comes crawling up every time he sees you, smiling with the people that called themselves your “friends”.

it doesn’t take long for jaemin to come to the realization that he’s surrounded by liars. and enough is enough.

well, he still has an image to maintain.

so he chose to break up with ella and actually tell the truth for once, but only to her. to be honest, the truth was kinda forced to come out by itself.

“what do you mean that you’re not going?” he hears ella’s frantic voice and the music playing in the background. maybe it wasn’t a good idea to do the breaking up part the night of homecoming.

good work, jaemin.

“i don’t think that this is going to work between us. i’m sorry”

was he really?

“but you said that you loved me!”

that was just a lie. he thought to himself. “i just don’t feel the same anymore, ella, please understand.” i never did.

“it’s because of her isn’t it? you’ve been in love with y/n this whole time haven’t you?” and jaemin’s blood runs cold.

the music was gone, so ella must have gone to a more quieter, private place.

“i’m not blind jaemin. the way you looked at her, the way you always find yourself next to her; i saw it all,” ella begins “i knew ever since you said yes to me.”

“then why didn’t you say anything? you just let me lie to you like that?”

“lying is the best solution, jaemin, you should know that the best.”

lying is bad kids, don’t do - admin minnie

jaemin could already feel the backlash he was going to receive. he spent the entire hoco night at home preparing himself for the shit that was going to go down the next day at school.

except nothing happened to him.

you had received the hatred, the eyeing, the whispers. you were the one that was iced out, outcasted, not jaemin.

jaemin was too afraid for the same thing happening to him, so he turned his head the other way.

“i just don’t understand why everyone is giving y/n the silent treatment. why are they mad at her? what did she do?” jaemin shrugs at jeno’s angry rant.

jeno had the right to be mad, you were dragged in to be jaemin’s scapegoat.

“and why did you break up with ella anyways? i thought everything was going good?”

“i was bored.”

it was pure irony and the biggest bitch slap in jaemin’s face that you had befriended lee donghyuck, the one person that he envied so wholeheartedly.

jaemin couldn’t do anything, no, he didn’t want to do anything he didn’t want to step out of the little safety persona that he created for himself. he didn’t want to lose all the people that surrounded him. he doesn’t want to be alone.

he hates being alone.

he’ll much rather take on the role of the fuckboy that he hates so much if that meant that people would still stick around him.

which brings him to his current dilemma

“i don’t see why you don’t just put up the image and just go with ella to hoco,” art-hoe!renjun says as the two of them walk to english “the two of you are both going to be king and queen anyways, just go.”

“maybe,” jaemin says, eliciting in a pointed glare from renjun

“you can’t just ditch prom just because of her, this the last year and are you really going to go down as the prom king that didn’t show up to prom?”

“i won’t win for sure, so there's really no point in me going,” jaemin replies

renjun rolls his eyes, and he taps a random passing student on the shoulder, “who do you think is going to win prom royalty this year?” he asks the stranger.

without missing a beat, the student replies, “jaemin and ella, why?”

and renjun’s face is the exact embodiment of i-told-you-so

instead of that motivating jaemin to actually go, it actually made him WANT to skip out on the event even more

“y/n ask to me to ask you if you gave ella all of the decorations for prom or something like that,” jeno tells him at lunch, causing jaemin’s eyes to drift over to you and haechan.

he wonders what the two of you are talking about that has you smiling that hard. he wonders what haechan has that he doesn't.

maybe its his natural-born charisma? not the artificial type that jaemin has mastered the act of.

“earth to jaemin,” jeno waves a hand in front of his friend’s face.

“sorry, yeah, i’m turning it in after school,” he replies, eyes lingering on you for one more second before focusing on the food on his tray, “besides, she could have asked me directly.”

“she had dinner at my house last night,” jeno replies, “what’s got your panties in a twist anyway?”

“not all of us is about to confess our feelings to our puppy crush, lover boy,” renjun pipes in.

jeno’s ears turn a tinge of pink, but jaemin wasn't focused on that.

and jeno might be a bit slow academically, but jaemin is his best buddy, his platonic soulmate.something was up.

“you have three seconds to spill before i will actually expose where you were hoco sophomore year to y/n” jeno threatens

“tell her, it’s not going to make a difference anyways,” jaemin pokes at his food “she has no interest in me what’s so over. i’m just another one of those fuckboys in her eyes.”

jeno and renjun share a look, before renjun decides to break the news to jaemin

“you haven’t been talking to her lately right?” renjun starts and jaemin nods

“the last time we talk was two weeks ago,” jaemin replies “she doesn’t have any other reason to interact with me like she does with jeno”

“before we continue with this conversation, can the green-eyed monster please leave the room?” renjun takes a small jab at jaemin.

“i’m not jealous,” jaemin looks up with an irked glare at renjun.

“then did you really need to mention jeno?” renjun returns the look with an annoyed expression of his own

jaemin scoffs, “you don’t understand, so don’t say anything,”

“tell me what i don’t understand then? because right now i have feeling the only reason you’re so pent up and annoyed is that you’re jealous, jaemin.”

“shut up,” jaemin snaps. “i’m not jealous.”

smiley and easy-going jaemin is gone out the door. everything coming out of renjun’s mouth is making him angrier and angrier and jaemin didn’t even know why.

renjun was speaking the truth. jaemin was jealous, but was he going to admit that?

nope

“it’s okay to be jealous,” jeno says, meaning to ease the slowly growing tension, but jeno’s attempts to mediate the conversation made jaemin even madder.

“can the two get the fuck off my case and leave me alone? i’m not jealous so stop acting like you know how i feel,” jaemin clenches his jaw “it’s really fucking annoying.”

“oh really now?” renjun fires back “it’s really fucking annoying how you expect the two of us to have your back, which we always do, and be fully okay with you going around town acting like a man whore and then being prissy about how the girl you’re interested in this time isn’t interested in you. this isn’t some type of cliche teen romance movie jaemin, grow a pair and deal with it.”

“so you think i’m a man whore too?” jaemin says sarcastically, rolling his eyes, “nice to know that my best friends think so highly of me.”

“jaemin, you know he doesn’t mean it like that,” jeno says.

“then what? it seems to me that you guys have been having a blast talking behind my back and lying about it to my face.”

“when did we say that?” jeno’s eyebrows furrow.

“you don’t need to say it for me to know,” jaemin spits “it’s written all over your faces.”

“i’m done,” renjun stands up, “when you’re ready to grow the fuck up and stop being a fucking dick bag, then find me.”

jaemin doesn’t even bother watching renjun leaving the table, anger was still consuming him. was it anger or frustration?

there was scream lodged in his throat that he wanted to release to the world. a pained scream of helplessness.

“hey jaemin,” jeno has a hard look on his face. he too stands up and leaves with some hard-hitting words, “learn to get over that ridiculously big ego of yours. not everything is about you.”

and jaemin is left at the lunch table

alone

fuck, he thinks to himself. fuck everything.

yeah, no way in hell was jaemin going to prom. no fucking way.

“looks like there’s trouble in paradise,” haechan gestures with his head to the table, near the center.

jaemin’s table, except, it’s literally only jaemin sitting there.

out of the corner of your eyes, you could see and angry renjun followed by an equally ticked of jeno stalking off.

“looks like the pretty boy is left by himself,” haechan remarks. “i wonder what happened?

“why are you saying that like you know what just went down?” you squint your eyes at the boy, who merely shrugs.

“spill”

“give me fifty bucks.”

“fuck off”

not long after, you hear a loud slam. jaemin stands up, his eyes quickly met yours and he looked away, going with haste out the cafeteria’s doors.

and you’re left wondering what the fuck went down at the norenmin table.

“okay, i’m done with all the fucking vague answers,” you stare down haechan, trying to intimidate an answer out of the stoner.

“why the fuck did jaemin not go to homecoming sophomore year and do not give me a smartass answer because i will without a doubt flush your weed stash down the drain and break your juul pens to bits. now, spill.”

damn, y/n going in for the kill

haechan hesitates before a sigh leaves his lips, “i don’t pride myself on much other than my ridiculously good looks and my ability to bargain good weed deals, but long long before i became so awesome-”

“cut to the chase”

“chill, bitch, i was getting there. anyways, i was basically jaemin’s confide,” haechan admits. “that’s why he’s so awkward around me, i basically know all of his personal secrets and all that jazz.”

and you’re shocked bc haechan is really reallllllllllllllllllllllllllllly petty with both of the ts bolded, and he has not once let any private info slip about jaemin, like the kind of deep shit, you’d write in your diaries.

not once sober or faded or drunk. the loud ass himself kept his lips seals which is an incredible feat already.

“don’t look at me like that, i’m a dick, but i’m not that big of dick,” haechan mutters “we all have things we don’t want the world to know “

“okay i won’t question that, but why didn’t he just go? i mean it’s just a school dance, right? its not that big of deal,” you don’t understand the extreme mystery or drama around jaemin’s non-appearance.

haechan shakes his head, “jaemin isn’t a simple as people make him out as, sure he fucks around with girls a lot, but like me, he wasn’t always like that.”

you nod in understanding, agreeing with the point haechan made

jaemin for sure wasn’t the same person that you knew right now. he was always a sweet boy with sweet words, but before high school, he never went around messing around with other girls

“the only choice that jaemin ever made his sophomore year that was his actual choice for his own self was to not go to homecoming, for a good reason too”

“can you be a little bit more detailed?” you urged again, curiosity flowing through you.

“he didn't go because for once he didn't want to be associated with that crowd, he didn't want to be surrounded by people who hardly gave a damn how he felt, only who he was”

haechan’s words reside in you for the longest time and you finally got a glimpse of what your normally stoned friend meant through an accidental eavesdrop of a conversation

“im not going ella, it's final,” jaemin’s voice has no trace of the playful, flirty tone it usually held. he was stern and hard with his words.

“are you really going to embarrass me again, jae?” ella sounded desperate “its just one dance. all you have to do is stand by my side and smile until we get those stupid crowns and take yearbook pictures”

“if you think they’re stupid crowns then why are you making me go?” jaemin argues back.

“you should be glad that i even helped you with your campaign. why else do you think everyone is voting for you?”

and jaemin’s voice goes to a lower, warning tone, “i’ve never ask to be nominated for royalty much less fucking prom king. i don't care what you or anyone has to say, i’m not fucking going to prom.”

your eyes meet jaemin’s as he walks past the aisle you were standing at (totally not peeping into his convo)

he has an emotionless face on and doesn't say anything as he leaves ella quickly follows but stops when she sees you.

“forget everything you heard, he’s going to prom!”

jokes on you ella, bc hes not going anywhere

guess who joined the i’m-ditching-school-because-i’m-an-emotional-wreck club!!

the next three days were hectic at school, everyone was excited for the big dance on saturday. there were last-minute promposals and girls were showing off their sparkly, expensive dresses to each other.

however, the one person that was missing and had you looking for all week was, na jaemin.

where the fuck was he now?

“have you seen jaemin? i haven't seen him at school lately,” you asked jeno, who was sitting in the library diligently waiting for his tutor/crush to arrive.

the number of times you received an “idk” from one of jaemin’s other friends was ridiculous and it was like they didn’t even care that he skipped school for three days or where he was.

jaemin might be a bit on the wild side, but he’s not the type to completely ditch school for three whole days straight. that was haechan’s job.

the only people you could rely on was jeno and renjun, but the latter was more agitated at jaemin than jeno was, so you figured that the athlete was the safer option.

“i have an idea of where he is, but i have a feeling he doesn't want to see anyone, especially today,” jeno replies. news of the norenmin argument traveled quickly around the school along with the fact that jaemin had rejected ella’s prom request. there were some rumors that were being spread about the male and they weren’t all that nice.

you knew deep inside that the two of them weren’t actually mad at jaemin, they (especially jeno) was just frustrated.

“can you slide the address though?” you asked, sliding up next to him

“why would i do that?”

“because you owe me a solid”

truthfully, you didn’t know what you were going to do with jaemin’s address and it’s been weighing you down the whole day.

“you going to prom?” haechan slides into the seat next to you. for once, there were no sunglasses covering his eyes.

you shook your head,” i don’t have anyone to go with.”

“you should have just asked mark to go with you,” haechan pointed out to which you gagged loudly.

“as if i would bring an actual twelve-year-old boy to prom, he’ll probably say let’s get it every two seconds and then my hand might just actually slip and punch his face or dunk his head into the disgusting kool-aid punch..”

“damn, and i thought i hated him.”

you rolled your eyes, “what about you? did you plan to confess to mina yet?”

“i was thinking about going old school and do one of those typical high school romeo and juliet scenes,” haechan said smugly. “might throw a shoe or two if i have to.”

you shake your head in disbelief, “be civil at least.”

“but i also can’t leave my main bitch alone for prom night so why don’t go to prom or hang out with the biggest thot in town?” haechan suggested.

“haechan, ten graduated high school like 3 years ago. i doubt he wants to spend his free time on a saturday night at a high school dance with me.”

facepalm.

“i’m not talking about that ultimate thot.”

“jungwoo is also in college.”

another fat facepalm.

“honestly, i thought you had at least ONE functioning brain cell,” haechan groaned “i’m talking about na jaemin.”

“what do you want me to do with him? the two of us aren’t exactly friends,” you mumble.

“exactly, use this time to spend some time with him or something. get closer or get laid, i don’t care, just don’t be a loner tomorrow,” haechan replies. “i can’t be friends with a lameo.”

“he hasn’t shown up for school in like three days and tomorrow is prom night,” you argue “besides, i don’t know where he’s even at.”

“that’s the fattest lie i have ever heard leave your mouth and you told mr. moon that his moon tie looked good on him. i know for a fact that you have his address saved on your phone, which is kinda creepy now that i think about it, but that’s beside the point.”

“why do you care so much? i thought you hated him,” you eyed haechan weirdly.

“because that moron needs someone to help him out and whose more suited for the job herself than the girl that was hopelessly in love with him all sophomore year.”

you smack his arm,”i should have never trusted you with my diary. besides, i don’t like him like that anymore.”

“then why do you worry about him so much?” haechan pointed out. ‘why did you go to jeno for jaemin’s whereabouts if you supposedly didn’t like him anymore.”

“caring about someone is different from liking them,” you chided him “you should know best since it took you months to realize that you were in love with mina.”

“stfu i’m supposed to be the wise teacher and you’re the young grasshopper.” haechan shushed you with a finger which you swatted away.

“i’m not joking around though, just go see what’s up,” haechan nudged you. “trust me, it’s worth it.”

“wow did love turn the hardest bitch in town, soft?”

“you know, i might actually just push you off stoner’s cliff one day when you’re not looking,” haechan narrowed his eyes at you.

“lol, as if i haven’t noticed that you haven’t been getting high since mina left your pathetic ass,” you pointed out.

and haechan h i s s e s.

but your stoner friend did have a point and you decide to listen to his advice for the first time in your life.

letting out a nervous breath, you rang the doorbell, a plastic bag full of junk food in your other hand. it was currently 8 pm and prom had already started. jaemin’s car was parked in the driveway, proving that he really didn’t go to prom.

“what are you doing here?” were the first words out of jaemin’s mouth when he saw you.

you raised the bag full of snacks, “do you wanna have that hang out now?”

there's a nervous feeling in your stomach, bc you don’t know if jaemin was going to reject you or not. he doesn’t have his usual cassanova, playful smile on. his face is completely neutral.

“don’t you have better things to do? like, go to prom?”

you awkwardly laugh, “about that, i’m not going.”

“why?”

“why aren’t you going?” you countered.

fair enough, jaemin relents and moves aside to let you in. there’s some lo-fi music playing in the background and a couple of books and paper strewn about the living room floor.

“my parents are on a business trip, so it’s just me,” jaemin informs you.

“cool,” you internally smack yourself bc jaemin didn’t really seem happy with ur sudden appearance. “were you just doing ur homework?”

“yeah, i have nothing else to do,” he says, cleaning up the area for u to sit. you sit down carefully and placed the bag of snacks at the base of your feet.

“did you want anything to drink?” jaemin moved to go into the kitchen. you shook your head but jaemin still pulled out two water bottles from the fridge. (save the turtles)

you look around the house, taking in the family portraits and the minimal home decor. you’ve only been to jaemin’s house a handful of times as a kid, and a lot has changed in those past few years, but some things stayed the same. on the fireplace mantle, there was a framed picture of norenminhyuck smiling with the brightest grins.

“jeno gave me crap for weeks for not taking down that picture of us four,” jaemin followed your gaze as places the two water bottles on the glass coffee table.

“why didn’t you take it down, then?” you curiously ask

taking a seat on the couch, jaemin shrugged, “sentimental value?”

and the two left it at that.

cue the awkward silence.....

“jaemin?”

he looks at you with a questioning glance

“why exactly did you and ella break up?”

jaemin lets out a sigh. he’s been anticipating the question but not now and definitely not your sudden appearance.

“there's no point in making excuse to you,” jaemin pauses before continuing “i never really liked her in the first place.”

and you look over in shock? bc the two of them were literally the couple of the year, a model example of a high school relationship.

“then why?”

“why did i say yes?” jaemin’s gaze was focused on you, leaving you unnerved. there was no sign of the cheeky jaemin, he looked completely serious. something no one really saw that often. “because thats what you wanted me to say.”

????????? - y/n’s mind

“jeno had told me that ella had urged you to introduce me to her and had confessed to you that she liked me. he told me you felt tasked with fulfilling her wish and took it upon your self to set the two of us up. i’m not stupid, y/n. i could tell by the way you planned double-dates with jeno and ella and i,” jaemin explained. there was slight embarassment on your side, sophomore you was not the best matchmaker. “but i only showed up for you. i could care less that ella was there, the only person that i wanted to see and impress was you.”

“i-“

“and i knew that you liked me too. i was expecting for you to confess to me when you told me to meet you behind the gym, but you let ella take the chance.”

“because she really liked you a lot, jaemin, and she was a close friend of mine”

“so you were willing to give up your happiness for someone who was using you to get to me?” jaemin asked bluntly.

you looked down at your fingers, feeling somewhat ashamed, “i was only worried about fitting in with the crowd at that time. i wanted people to like me.” you confessed. “after the whole fiasco, i learned to live for myself rather than for others, albeit with a little help from haechan.”

“you see, i wish i could be as brave as you to do that.” jaemin meekly smiles at you “because i’m still people-pleasing.”

“i only said yes to ella to make you happy but then everyone was congratulating me and there were more and more people by my side. i thought jeno, renjun, and donghyuck were enough to last me through high school, but the attention got to my head. i knew that no matter how much i hated ella, i couldn’t break up with because i thrive off the crowd she brought me. i thought that if i lie enough, i could make myself gain feelings for her. she was a kind and outgoing person, so i didn't think it would be that hard, except it never did happen,” jaemin sucked in his breath “i overheard a conversation by accident to one of her other friends and it was about you, about how they just used to you to get to me even though the knew you liked me. i knew that then i was surrounded by so many liars all with the same goal of getting in good with everyone.”

he continued on “the reason why i didn't want to go to hoco was bc i felt guilty. i didn't want to be another person that lived for the crowd and i knew that i would've sealed my future if i did go and get crowned king with ella. for once, i didn't want to be a liar. i just wanted to be myself.”

and then he bitterly chuckled to himself, “which is ironic since the next day i chased after the crowd again. i let you take the blame for me just because i was afraid of being outcasted even though it was my fault you had to suffer the consequences of my lie.”

“jaemin-“

“and then i kept pretending to be that stupid fuckboy that everyone painted me as just to be in the it-crowd or whatever. i don’t have anything special like how renjun has art and jeno has his sports, even haechan had something special like choir back in those days. i had nothing, i wasn’t known for anything and i’m still not known for anything other than being a fuckboy. i’m just na jaemin at the end of the day, talented in messing around with girls.”

“do you feel happy?” you carefully asked after jaemin finished his rant.

jaemin’s barely smiling at this point, “what do you think?”

“you know, i was never really mad about you about the whole ella situation,” you scooted closer to him on the couch. “at first, i blamed you because that was the easier option, pin the blame on someone else. until a certain someone told me to fuck what they say and live my own way.”

“haechan?”

you nodded, “he was the first person that i didn’t pretend or try to cater myself to fit his needs. we’re alike in that department, jaemin, we both want to be liked. i’m not going to lie, the first few months of being outcasted was hard on me. sometimes, i still get sad when i think about the day where everyone just abandoned me.”

“i’m sorry.”

“there’s no need to be sorry, jaemin because i can hardly care about it that much anymore. do you know why?”

jaemin shook his head ‘no’

“because i learned that being by myself isn’t that bad. we’re all scared of being lonely, it’s human nature, but our fears often cause us to forget that we still have ourselves.” you placed a hand on his shoulder “once you learn to befriend yourself, no one’s opinion will matter more than your own. learn to cater to yourself, learn to live for yourself. don’t just be you, live as you.”

“easier said than done,” the remark left jaemin’s lips bitterly, causing you to slightly frown. “it’s hard to learn to be friends with myself when i’m the person i hate the most. i hate the person who looks back at me in the mirror. i hate just hate what i’ve let myself become.”

“it’s never too late to change,” you say.

jaemin shook his head, he blinked quickly to clear his now glassy eyes, “it’s to the point where i don’t even know i am anymore.”

“you’re na jaemin,” you say with a little more force this time. you didn’t like the defeated tone that jaemin was talking in, this wasn’t the confident and every positive boy that you grew up with. this wasn’t the boy that stole your heart in the third grade and kept it till sophomore year. “the boy that never hesitates to help someone else and can light up the room with just one smile.”

“you don’t have to pity me, it was a grave i dug for myself.”

letting out a harsh sigh, you moved to take jaemin’s face into your hands, staring deep into his doe-eyed brown ones, which widened in response to your sudden action.

big moves, y/n, big moves

“i know it may be hard to see, but jaemin you’re way more than what they think of you. you can always change as long as you have the will to do so,” you wipe away a stray tear that was falling onto his cheek. jaemin didn’t even notice that he was crying. “it’s a difficult and long process, but it’ll be worth it in the end. trust me.”

“what if no one wants to be around me anymore? what if i end up alone? “ doubt filled his tone, and your eyes soften at the vulnerability of the boy. he was scared, lost, and confused.

“i’ll be with you. anywhere you’re at, i’ll be there by your side even if no one else will. you’re a precious person, you don’t deserve any less,” you smiled. “i won’t let you be alone.”

maybe jaemin was just being emotional. maybe it was the contained feelings that he held for you that was being released. maybe it was the way you looked at him with so much concern and the way you delicately held his face.

whatever motivated him to do what he was going to do next, jaemin could hardly care less.

without any hesitation, jaemin leaned in and pressed a soft kiss to your lips.

right now, jaemin didn’t feel lost or alone. you found him and he hoped that you’ll stay.

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p3ach3snplums · 3 years

Text

ＹｏｕＷｉｌｌＢｅＦｏｕｎｄ

Listen ( x )

@scorpiusmmalfoy

1.- ʏᴏᴜ ᴡɪʟʟ ʙᴇ ꜰᴏᴜɴᴅ ʙʏ ᴅᴇᴀʀ ᴇᴠᴀɴ ʜᴀɴꜱᴇɴ ᴏʙᴄ

Have you ever felt like nobody was there? Have you ever felt forgotten in the middle of nowhere? Have you ever felt like you could disappear? Like you could fall, and no one would hear? Well, let that lonely feeling wash away Maybe there's a reason to believe you'll be okay 'Cause when you don't feel strong enough to stand You can reach, reach out your hand And oh, someone will coming running And I know, they'll take you home Even when the dark comes crashing through When you need a friend to carry you And when you're broken on the ground You will be found So let the sun come streaming in 'Cause you'll reach up and you'll rise again Lift your head and look around You will be found You will be found You will be found You will be found You will be found There's a place where we don't have to feel unknown (Oh my god, everybody needs to see this) And every time that you call out You're a little less alone (I can't stop watching this video, seventeen years old) If you only say the word (Take five minutes, this will make your day) From across the silence your voice is heard

2.- ꜱᴏ ᴡɪʟʟ ɪ ʙʏ ʙᴇɴ ᴘʟᴀᴛᴛ

You say, "What if I go crazy?" I say, "That ain't gonna happen" You say, "What if I get lost? I say, "You'll just find your way back" And you say, "What if someone breaks my heart?" I'll put it back together like I do You say, "What if I don't catch the dreams That I've been out there chasing?" "What if when my fears show up, I'm too afraid to face them?" Well, I can't fight your battles But I sure can hold your hand and promise you That the sky will still be up there And the sun will always shine The stars will keep on fallin' For the ones who wish at night The mountains won't start moving And the rivers won't run dry The world will always be there And so will I

3.- ꜰᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏᴡᴀʀᴅꜱ ᴛʜᴇ ꜱᴜɴ ʙʏ ᴛʜᴇ ᴍᴀɪɴᴇ

Yeah, in the end timе will find us all Dressed in our best One last deep breath As we turn towards the sun Towards the sun.... Yeah, I just hope you felt no pain at all No pain at all I just hope you felt no pain at all No pain at all As you turn towards the sun Towards the sun

4.- ʏᴏᴜ ꜰᴏᴜɴᴅ ᴍᴇ ʙʏ ᴛʜᴇ ꜰʀᴀʏ

Lost and insecure You found me, you found me Lyin' on the floor Surrounded, surrounded Why'd you have to wait? Where were you? Where were you? Just a little late You found me, you found me

5.- ꜱʜᴀᴋᴇ ɪᴛ ᴏꜰꜰ ʙʏ ᴛᴀʏʟᴏʀ ꜱᴡɪꜰᴛ

But I keep cruising Can't stop, won't stop moving It's like I got this music in my mind Saying it's gonna be alright 'Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate Baby, I'm just gonna shake, shake, shake, shake, shake I shake it off, I shake it off (Whoo-hoo-hoo) Heartbreakers gonna break, break, break, break, break And the fakers gonna fake, fake, fake, fake, fake Baby, I'm just gonna shake, shake, shake, shake, shake I shake it off, I shake it off (Whoo-hoo-hoo)

6.- ᴄᴏᴜɴᴛ ᴏɴ ᴍᴇ ʙʏ ʙʀᴜɴᴏ ᴍᴀʀꜱ

We'll find out what we're made of When we are called to help our friends in need You can count on me like one, two, three I'll be there And I know when I need it, I can count on you like four, three, two And you'll be there 'Cause that's what friends are supposed to do, oh, yeah Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh, yeah, yeah

7.-ᴏɴᴇ ᴄᴀʟʟ ᴀᴡᴀʏ ʙʏ ᴄʜᴀʀʟɪᴇ ᴘᴜᴛʜ

I'm only one call away I'll be there to save the day Superman got nothing on me I'm only one call away Call me, baby, if you need a friend I just wanna give you love C'mon, c'mon, c'mon Reaching out to you, so take a chance No matter where you go, know you're not alone I'm only one call away

8.-ᴛʀᴜᴇ ᴄᴏʟᴏʀꜱ ʙʏ ᴄʏɴᴅɪ ʟᴀᴜᴘᴇʀ

You with the sad eyes Don't be discouraged Oh I realize It's hard to take courage In a world full of people You can lose sight of it all And the darkness inside you Can make you feel so small But I see your true colors Shining through I see your true colors And that's why I love you So don't be afraid to let them show Your true colors True colors are beautiful Like a rainbow

9.-ɪ´ʟʟ ʀᴇᴍᴇᴍʙᴇʀ ʙʏ ɢʟᴇᴇ ᴄᴀꜱᴛ

And I'll remember The strength that you gave me Now that I'm standing on my own I'll remember The way that you saved me I'll remember Inside I was a child That could not mend a broken wing Outside I looked for a way To teach my heart to sing And I'll remember The love that you gave me Now that I'm standing on my own I'll remember The way that you changed me I'll remember

10.-ᴡʜᴏ ꜱᴀʏꜱ ʙʏ ꜱᴇʟᴇɴᴀ ɢᴏᴍᴇᴢ

Who says, who says you're not perfect? Who says you're not worth it? Who says you're the only one that's hurting? Trust me, that's the price of beauty Who says you're not pretty? Who says you're not beautiful? Who says?

11.-ʙʀᴀᴠᴇ ʙʏ ꜱᴀʀᴀ ʙᴀʀᴇɪʟʟᴇꜱ

You can be amazing You can turn a phrase into a weapon or a drug You can be the outcast Or be the backlash of somebody's lack of love Or you can start speaking up Nothing's gonna hurt you the way that words do When they settle 'neath your skin Kept on the inside and no sunlight Sometimes a shadow wins But I wonder what would happen if you Say what you wanna say And let the words fall out Honestly I wanna see you be braveWith what you want to say And let the words fall out Honestly I wanna see you be brave

12.-ʜᴏᴘᴇ ᴜʀ ᴏᴋ ʙʏ ᴏʟɪᴠɪᴀ ʀᴏᴅʀɪɢᴏ

Does she know how proud I am she was created With the courage to unlearn all of their hatred We don't talk much but I just gotta say "I miss you, and I hope that you're okay"

13.-ɢɪʀʟꜱ ᴊᴜꜱᴛ ᴡᴀɴɴᴀ ʜᴀᴠᴇ ꜰᴜɴ ʙʏ ᴄʏɴᴅɪ ʟᴀᴜᴘᴇʀ

Oh daddy dear, you know you're still number one But girls they wanna have fun Oh girls just wanna have That's all they really want Some fun When the workin' day is done Oh girls, they wanna have fun Ho hoo girls just wanna have (girls) fun (they want) (Wanna have fun) (Girls) (Wanna have)

14.-ᴏɴ ᴏᴜʀ ᴡᴀʏ ʙʏ ɢʟᴇᴇ ᴄᴀꜱᴛ

We are young We are one Let us shine for what it's worth To your place, place, place We're on our way, way, way We're on our way, way, way We're on our way somehow Hold me close, close, close We're losing time, time, time We're losing time, time, time We're falling to the ground

15.-ᴄᴀꜱᴛʟᴇ ᴏɴ ᴀ ʜɪʟʟ ʙʏ ᴇᴅ ꜱʜᴇᴇʀᴀɴ

Found my heart and broke it here Made friends and lost them through the years And I've not seen the roaring fields in so long I know I've grown, but I can't wait to go home I'm on my way Driving at 90 down those country lanes Singing to Tiny Dancer And I miss the way you make me feel, and it's real When we watched the sunset over the castle on the hill

16.-ɪᴍᴀɢɪɴᴇ ʙʏ ʙᴇɴ ᴘʟᴀᴛᴛ

Yeah, you say I'm your hero But you are the one that saved me If I ever lost you I'd fall to my knees I can't imagine my life without you I can't imagine one night without you If something happened, don't know what I'd do I can't imagine, I can't imagine my life without you

17.-ᴛɪᴍᴇ ᴀꜰᴛᴇʀ ᴛɪᴍᴇ ʙʏ ᴄʏɴᴅɪ ʟᴀᴜᴘᴇʀ

If you're lost you can look and you will find me Time after time If you fall, I will catch you, I'll be waiting Time after time If you're lost, you can look and you will find me Time after time If you fall, I will catch you, I will be waiting Time after time

18.-ᴅᴏɢ ᴅᴀʏꜱ ᴀʀᴇ ᴏᴠᴇʀ ʙʏ ꜰʟᴏʀᴇɴᴄᴇ + ᴛʜᴇ ᴍᴀᴄʜɪɴᴇ

The dog days are over The dog days are done The horses are coming so you better run Run fast for your mother run fast for your father Run for your children for your sisters and brothers Leave all your love and your longing behind you Can't carry it with you if you want to survive

19.-ʟᴇᴀɴ ᴏɴ ᴍᴇ ʙʏ ɢʟᴇᴇ ᴄᴀꜱᴛ

Lean on me, when you're not strong And I'll be your friend I'll help you carry on For it won't be long 'Til I'm gonna need Somebody to lean on

20.-ᴍʏ ᴅᴀʀᴋꜱɪᴅᴇ ʙʏ ɢʟᴇᴇ ᴄᴀꜱᴛ

Everybody's got a dark side Do you love me? Can you love mine? Nobody's a picture perfect But we're worth it You know that we're worth it Will you love me? Even with my dark side?

21.-ᴍᴀꜱ ᴏꜱᴄᴜʀᴏ ʙʏ ʟɪᴋᴇ

Te sientes mal, no ves final Con los ojos llenos de lágrimas Se cae el cielo y no das más Quieres luchar un poco más Pero ese miedo volvió a ganar Tranquila, ahí voy a estar Tan solo llama, no escondas nada Confía en mí A cualquier hora, nunca estás sola Me tienes a mí En tu momento más oscuro Si algo te duele, yo te curo No te preocupes, yo te ayudo Te ayudo, no hay que sufrir En tu momento más oscuro Y aunque el abismo sea profundo No te preocupes yo te ayudo Te ayudo a salir de ahí No te preocupes yo te ayudo (te ayudo) Baby no estés triste Tienes quien te cuide Nadie te vuelve a dañar (Nadie te vuelve a dañar) Tú me sostuviste, y me defendiste También de mi oscuridad

22.-22 ʙʏ ᴛᴀʏʟᴏʀ ꜱᴡɪꜰᴛ

It feels like a perfect night To dress up like hipsters And make fun of our exes Ah-ah, ah-ah It feels like a perfect night For breakfast at midnight To fall in love with strangers Ah-ah, ah-ah Yeah, we're happy, free, confused and lonely at the same time It's miserable and magical, oh yeah Tonight's the night when we forget about the deadlines It's time, oh-ohI don't know about you But I'm feeling 22 Everything will be alright if You keep me next to you You don't know about me But I'll bet you want to Everything will be alright if We just keep dancing like we're 22, 22

23.-ꜱᴇᴠᴇɴ ʙʏ ᴛᴀʏʟᴏʀ ꜱᴡɪꜰᴛ

Sweet tea in the summer Cross your heart, won't tell no other And though I can't recall your face I still got love for you Your braids like a pattern Love you to the moon and to Saturn Passed down like folk songs The love lasts so long

24.-ᴡᴇɪʀᴅ! ʙʏ ʏᴜɴɢʙʟᴜᴅ

Come hold my hand Hold it tight We're in a weird time of life Don't wreck your brain It'll be alright We're in a weird time of life

#♪you will be found |andy bebe #FELIZ CUMPLEAÑOS BEBE #QUE CREIAS QUE NO IBA A DARTE UNA PLAYLIST? HAHAHAH

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lokiarsene · 5 years

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I know modern fandom folks--mostly young adults--go into moral panics about “problematic” characters, which is really just shorthand for characters who aren’t one dimensional mouthpieces that in no way contribute to the necessary drama of a story. And I think this is a really pointless way to look at and work with pieces of fiction, especially a game like Persona 5, whose main cast of “heroes” are intentionally made to be by default non lawful.

If you look at what they do removed from context, you have the following: a group of people invade the most personal, private spaces within the human consciousness in order to trigger a dramatic mental and psychological change in someone they’ve deemed a fitting target. They do this regularly in Mementos, and are basically little more than hired mental hitmen thanks to the Phan-site giving them suggestions of who to find next. If successful, the target suffers physical and mental distress, sometimes to the point of requiring hospitalization, and a complete emotional breakdown when forced to face up to the severity of their actions.

All of that is fucking terrifying!

Most of their targets were horrible fucking people so I waste no tears or sympathy on them. And while I as a person would totally support these methods if they were possible in real life, I also recognize that to study P5′s characters and analyze them, you have to set aside your personal moral code to look at what is the story’s moral code.

And the moral code is large swathes of gray.

Nobody in the main crew of Persona 5 is purely “innocent” (in the sense of puritanical fandom’s concept of innocence). None of them. By default the PT are lawless, and if you go by the D&D morality alignment (which isn’t about how moral your actions are from an outside perspective, but what the character’s personal morals and behavior are) they are chaotic good at best.

What the PT do is justified in the sense that corruption is so deeply entrenched in society that they can’t rely on adults or the justice system to bring about true justice. The ends (change of heart) justify their means (forcing a change of heart), and that’s borderline Machiavellian thinking. What stops them from being purely Machiavellian is the fact that the PT are also driven by empathy and a sense of morality. We see them struggle against vain things like self-interest while also working to uphold their original goal of bringing society’s corrupted adults to justice.

I really think this is one of the major things that people in the P5 fandom on here don’t get, especially if they have some weird hate fascination with Akechi. It’s absolutely hypocritical to point fingers at Akechi for what he did and yet completely overlook everything the game set up to remind you, the player, that the PT are doing risky, dangerous shit and forcing themselves into someone’s consciousness. Akechi spends half the fucking game talking about how questionable their methods are! Did you think that was just put in there for shits and giggles? There’s a reason why it gets under the PT’s skin--because it’s not far from the truth!

They are forcing a change in people who, yeah, shouldn’t be doing what they’re doing, but that doesn’t change the fact that the PT are the ones conducting a mental and moral breakdown that forces a confession. And you know, when I put it like that, you know what that sounds like? Ren getting beaten in the interrogation room, drugged, and forced to sign a confession.

The game repeatedly draws lines between what the PT does for “justice” and what they’re trying to change because they’re comparable methods with different motives. But they’re still the same (or similar) methods! We can talk for days about whether this is morally justified or not, but the fact still remains that the game is drawing these lines and it is foolish to overlook them.

That’s another reason why Sae’s final words to Ren are what they are--she asks them to leave reforming society in her (and adults’) hands now. That’s the end result of all the efforts in P5: you can’t and shouldn’t take the law into your own hands. If you want to see change happen, you need to be a part of it from within. You have to contribute to the change, instead of force it. I wonder how P5R will add on to that theme or even change it, since a big thing this time around seems to be wishes/dreams coming true, “stealing” those dreams, and whether dreaming itself is even a good thing if all it does is lead you to retreating from reality. Maybe that’ll be the third semester’s plot point?

Now. I mention.... all of that because one of the other things I think people miss is how Ren isn’t some pure uwu cinnamon roll, either. He was falsely accused and unjustly labeled a criminal, but he’s also the ringleader of a group of people who invade and force changes inside people’s subconsciousnesses. He constantly forms bonds and makes deals with people on the fringes of lawfulness themselves (with very few exceptions--which is weird to me, because those exceptions stand out as functionally pointless in a story like this). He’s the Trickster, the Wild Card, the core of the PT’s spirit of rebellion. Those words and descriptions aren’t just for show, y’all. Plus his Velvet Room is him locked up in prison! It reflects his view of himself as a criminal! So if Ren sees himself as a lawless outcast, why are there people in the P5 fandom who can’t see that themselves?

I think it would’ve been far more satisfying (and more overtly establish Ren as morally gray) if Ren remembered Shido from the beginning, and had his end result goal as finding a way to Shido to make him pay. Knowing Shido’s identity from the start removes that pointless “twist” at the end about him being bad, but it also sets up a really fucking strong rebellious motive for Ren from the start. Everything he does with the PT would be about taking apart Shido’s web of informants, sycophants, and puppets without that “you can see it coming from a mile away” ~twist~ of Shido being evil all along.

There really isn’t any point in messing with Ren’s memory--it doesn’t add anything to the story. If his damaged memory is a result of trauma, it’s never addressed or handled in any way. So just get rid of it and have Ren know all along who he wants to go after, he just doesn’t know how. Which would add so much drama and tension to the already dramatically satisfying Ren/Goro stuff the game gives us. Because Goro is nothing but honest about his goals: getting revenge on the adult who ruined his life. He might be hiding his other plans, but the main motive and his main focus isn’t hidden from the PT at all.

Now just imagine the conflict that Ren would have to go through when he realized not only was Goro trying to trick them, but they were both going after Shido all along. Aren’t enemies of your enemy your friend? They were both going after the same man who ruined their fucking lives--wouldn’t that make them allies (of a sort)? And as if that weren’t enough, all the time they spent together, all they shared and learned of each other--all that Goro confided in Ren--would make for an even more dramatic and painful conflict of trying to trick Goro before he can sell them out. Because it’s not like all those moments together were for nothing. They still happened, they still mattered, they still changed Ren because it was significant enough to be a Confidant link for Ren. But wouldn’t Ren, being Ren (empathetic, determined, stubbornly selfless to a fault), want to at least try to get Goro to change his mind? Talk to him? Listen to him and still offer that hand to help? Y’know, the thing he does in Shido’s Palace?

This could have happened earlier if Ren knows his target is Shido, deduces that Shido, or someone close to him, is Goro’s target too, and does a desperate attempt to appeal to him--to ~steal his heart~--before it’s too late. And hey, they can still do a twist in the Palace and have them pretend to be enemies, since the writers love twists instead of satisfying writing like they’re a Marvel movie.

I was thinking about all that this morning, and how I actually wish Ren had remembered Shido from the start and what that would do to the story and his relationship with Goro. I don’t really know why they mess with Ren’s memory and do that whole ~remember your bonds~ thing during the interrogation, since it doesn’t make sense. Especially since they had him do that later during the Yalda fight, where it makes more sense (and it’s something the previous games have done). They try to pass it off as Ren struggling to remember the truth, but then the whole first three acts of the game are him clearly remembering everything he did since he got to Shibuya, and telling it to Sae in the interrogation room. If they just removed his damaged memory entirely (both wrt Shido, and wrt the truth serum), I think the story would be far better off for it.

I’ve always said that this game really needed a second draft and a partial rewrite, so I’m hoping that’s what P5R ends up being.

#long post #this is the ask tag

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artificialqueens · 5 years

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Leather and Lace: Chapter 3 (Shalaska, side Trixya) - dandelionprophets

A/N: HS Shalaska AU where Alaska is a pretty cheerleader and Sharon is an outcast. Chapter one, chapter two.

In this chapter two very different groups reluctantly come together.

Sharon feels nervous again on Monday, and she wonders if this is going to be a regular thing now. Alaska is early, like her, and she walks in on her own. She is not wearing her cheerleading outfit for once, instead wearing a black skater skirt on grey tights, with a woolen pink sweater that clashes horribly with her bright red nails. Her hair is in a messy bun on top of her head, and it looks a bit like she just rolled out of bed. Sharon forcibly moves her thoughts away from Alaska in bed, instead smiling at her and waving slightly. To her surprise, Alaska foregoes her usual seat and sits down right next to Sharon.

“Hi! I was thinking, since we have to pair up often anyways, it’s easier to just sit next to each other.” Alaska says, smiling brightly. Sharon is pretty sure they haven’t had to pair up except for the frog debacle, but she finds herself nodding anyway.

“How was the clean-up on Saturday?” Sharon asks once Alaska gets settled.

“Oh, I just hired a cleaning company. If anything is less than pristine when Daddy gets home he’ll go berserk.” Alaska rolls her eyes, and Sharon tries not to smile at the fact that Alaska is such a fucking cliché.

“So when is he coming back?”

“Hmm, not for a month or so… I think he’s in China right now.”

“Wait, really?” Sharon frowns, “You’re on your own for more than a month?” The idea of Alaska all alone in that giant mansion makes Sharon feel instantly sad. Sharon still remembers when she heard the news that Alaska’s mom had died, six years ago. She was 11 at the time, and of course everyone in school knew about it instantly. Alaska didn’t go to school for weeks, and when she came back she talked to no-one except Willam and Courtney. Sharon thinks the memory of those empty, haunted brown eyes will stay with her forever. It was the first time she had felt empathy for Alaska, the first time she saw her as a real person instead of as a popular barbie doll she despised.

“It’s fine,” Alaska shrugs it off, bringing Sharon back to the present, “How was the drive back? Did you guys get home okay?”

Sharon thinks about the drive back, where she had been relegated to the backseat, having to listen to Katya flirt with Trixie the whole ride. She probably would have been more upset if she hadn’t gotten that hug from Alaska before she left.

“Yeah, Trixie and Katya are becoming very friendly with each other,” Sharon hints. She doesn’t want to out anybody, but she also wants Alaska to know that she’s not alone.

Alaska, however, is completely oblivious. “That’s so nice! It’s so hard being new at school.”

Willam and Courtney walk in, and they pause for a second when they see Alaska sitting next to Sharon. They share a look, shrug their shoulders, and take the two seats next to Alaska. Willam looks over at Sharon suspiciously, her eyes squinted.

“So why did you crash the party Friday?” Willam asks, a hostile undertone in her voice. “I never see you at parties.”

Sharon is about to bite back when Alaska quickly says, “I invited her.”

“I think it’s nice that you and Katya came!” Courtney chimes in, shooting Willam a look. “You guys are really cool.”

Courtney looks at Sharon earnestly, and Sharon is at a loss for words.

“Thanks, Courtney,” she says, a genuine smile forming on her lips.

Willam looks from Courtney to Sharon, and finally at Alaska, nodding to herself.

“Yo Lasky, can I copy your homework real quick?” Willam then asks, already grabbing Alaska’s homework. Courtney rolls her eyes fondly and shares a look with Sharon, as if they’ve all been friends for years.

On Tuesday, Sharon walks into the canteen looking for Katya and sees her sitting with Trixie, Willam, Courtney, and Alaska. Feeling like she stepped into an alternate dimension, she makes her way to the group. Alaska immediately makes room between her and Katya, and everyone smiles at her as she sits down. Sharon supposes this is her life now. Eating lunch with blond cheerleaders who use glitter as eyeshadow.

“Sharon, we were just discussing that we really want to go to one of your parties,” Courtney tells her. Apparently, Katya’s crazy stories actually made her interesting to Willam and Courtney, and now they see her as a gateway to an interesting life filled with drugs and wild parties.

“Uh, I don’t throw parties,” Sharon says.

“No, ones you go to,” Courtney clarifies, “like actual college parties.”

“Yeah, don’t those dykes you guys hang out with throw crazy parties?” Willam chimes in. Sharon feels Alaska completely freeze up next to her, jaw locked and looking down, and she wonders how her supposed best friends are so fucking oblivious. Sharon is ready to go in on Willam, but surprisingly, Courtney speaks first.

“I don’t think you should use that word, Willam,” she says, and Sharon, Alaska, Katya, and Trixie all turn to Courtney, their mouths wide agape. Sharon wonders if Courtney realizes she is saying that in front of two, probably three, possibly four, lesbians.

“What, why?” Willam asks, “Is this because we made out on Friday?”

“You guys made out on Friday?!” Alaska screams.

“No not because of that,” Courtney says, her cheeks turning red. “But. It’s a slur. People use it to bully lesbians. So we shouldn’t say it. Right guys?”

Courtney glances around the table, looking for support, and everyone nods along with her.

“Yeah, great point Court,” Trixie says, smiling at her friend.

“Alright fine!” Willam gives in, throwing her hands in the air. “But when are we going to a college party?”

“Well, not this week,” Alaska says, “The cheer rally is on Friday! You guys are coming, right?” She looks expectantly at Sharon and Katya, and Sharon can’t help but make a face. Cheer rallies are everything she hates about this school. Those jocks, those cheerleaders, with the exception of the ones at the table she’s sitting at, have always been the ones picking on her, the ones that made her feel like a freak. She doesn’t want to cheer for those fuckers, she doesn’t want to join in on that social hierarchal bullshit.

“No way,” she says resolutely.

“But it’s going to be my first time cheering with the team!” Trixie says, and Katya smiles at her before turning to Sharon.

“We could go?” she says, and Sharon rolls her eyes. Katya is way too far gone. She then makes the mistake of looking at Alaska, who is watching her with dark brown puppy-dog eyes and a slight pout. Sharon can already feel her resolve slipping.

“Maybe. We’ll see.” she settles on, but Alaska smiles at her as if she just promised to dress up in the school colors, wave the school flag and make signs spelling out Alaska’s name. And who is she kidding, if Alaska asked she probably would.

It turns out Sharon has her next class with Willam, and they walk to the classroom together. Sharon’s defenses are all the way up, but Willam seems to be completely comfortable, the look of suspicion from earlier this week gone.

Sharon studies Willam, trying to figure her out, and as a result, she bumps into some football player.

“Watch out you fucking dyke freak,” the guy hisses at her. Before Sharon can so much as roll her eyes, Willam grabs him by the arm.

“What the fuck did you just call her?” Willam demands, and Sharon’s mouth drops open.

“Yo Willam what the fuck, everyone knows that she- that she’s a-“ the guy sputters, clearly surprised at Willam’s reaction.

“And everyone knows that you lost your virginity to your cousin, but I don’t go around calling you names,” Willam says, releasing the guy and walking away from him. Sharon shares a baffled look with the jock and then hurries to catch up with Willam.

“What the fuck?” she asks her, not knowing what else to say.

“What?” Willam says casually, studying her manicure, “I thought we weren’t supposed to say that word anymore.”

Sharon stands still for a moment before following Willam into their classroom, and she wonders what the hell is happening with her life right now.

At the end of their classes, Katya tries to convince Sharon to sit on the bleachers during cheer practice.

“No, it’s weird now that we actually know them,” Sharon says.

“It was way creepier when you were just stalking her, Sharon.” Katya tells her, pulling on her arm, “Plus, I promised Trixie we’d be there, so she can practice performing in front of an audience.”

“Ugh. Fine.” Sharon gives in. They walk to the field, and they are a bit late, the practice already in session. They take a seat pretty close to the field, and both Trixie and Alaska wave enthusiastically at them, not looking surprised that they are there. The rest of the team doesn’t look surprised either, but they don’t look as happy as Trixie and Alaska to see them. Courtney and Willam both give them a wave and a smile, but the rest of the cheerleaders look a bit like the shit under their shoe just walked in.

Katya sits facing the field, eyes on the cheerleaders, not even lighting up a blunt, and Sharon carefully follows her example. She watches them dance, watches them laugh with each other, watches Alaska flip her ponytail, watches Alaska fall when doing a cartwheel, watches Alaska’s skirt being stuck in her top after she gets up, and feels like creep.

“This is weird!” She complains to Katya.

“Seriously? Sneaking looks out of the corner of your eye was not weird, and actually being invited to watch is weird?”

“Well, now she knows that I’m watching her,” Sharon insists.

“Yes, that’s what makes it less weird,” Katya says very slowly, as if talking to a child. “Besides, see this as practice for the cheer rally.”

“I’m not going to that,” Sharon says automatically, and Katya chuckles.

“Sure you’re not.”

Sharon watches the rest of the practice trying to be more relaxed, even smiling at Alaska when she catches her eye. She looks over at Katya and sees her staring at Trixie with a dreamy look in her eyes.

“So how’s that going?” Sharon asks her, elbowing her side.

“We declared our undying love for each other and are ready to run away together.” Katya says, “Preferably to Hawaii.”

Sharon’s eyebrows shoot up, “Seriously?”

“In my mind we have.” Katya pulls her knees up and rests her chin on them. “In reality, there’s an 84% chance I’m barking up the wrong Barbie,”

“Well stay away from my Barbie,” Sharon can’t help but say. Katya immediately turns to her, a devilish grin on her face.

“Well look at you finally admitting your crush! No need to be territorial Sharon, I won’t corrupt your precious princess.”

Sharon growls at her.

When the cheerleading practice is finished, Alaska and Trixie walk up to them, taking a seat on the bleachers with their backs to the field, facing Sharon and Katya.

“Hey, thank you for coming,” Trixie smiles, mostly looking at Katya.

“Of course bitch! I promised!” Katya punches Trixie on the arm, and Sharon takes a moment to internally criticize Katya’s flirting skills.

“Did you have fun?” Alaska asks Sharon.

“Not really my cup of tea. You were good though,” Sharon answers, and promptly realizes she doesn’t really have any right to criticize Katya.

“No I wasn’t, I was horrible as always,” Alaska says, a smile still on her face. “But it’ll be much better Friday, you’ll see,” Sharon rolls her eyes at the implication, but understands that resistance is futile.

“I’m so nervous for Friday,” Trixie says, “I’m sleeping over at Alaska’s on Thursday so we can spend Friday morning practicing.”

“You’re going to take lessons from her?” Sharon asks incredulously, and Alaska makes a small affronted noise and pushes her lightly.

“Oh by the way, Trixie, I do have to mention that I can’t really cook. Anything.” Alaska says, sheepishly smiling at Trixie. “I mean, I can try, but I may burn the house down.”

“You can’t cook?” Sharon asks, “Then how do you eat in the month you’re home alone?”

“I don’t know… I just eat a sandwich, or I order pizza.” Alaska says, twirling her ponytail around her finger.

“Okay, I’m going to teach you how to make pasta so you don’t die from scurvy,” Sharon says, immediately worried about Alaska’s health. Sharon has been cooking for years, used to not having a meal on the table if she doesn’t. Alaska smiles at that like Sharon just gave her a great idea.

“Hey! Why don’t both of you come over on Thursday, and you can teach us then!” Alaska proposes, clapping her hands.

“I’m free!” Katya says eagerly. “If Trixie’s okay with it?”

“I’m good with any plan that involves me not having to eat Alaska’s burned food,” Trixie says, grinning at Katya.

“Sharon?” Alaska asks, looking at her expectantly, fluttering her long dark lashes. Not for the first time, Sharon feels it’s almost unfair how beautiful Alaska is.

“Sure, why not,” Sharon says, shrugging.

“Well don’t sound too fucking enthusiastic Sharon,” Katya rolls her eyes at her.

“That’s just her brand,” Alaska says, smiling at Sharon provokingly. Sharon scoffs at her but can’t help smiling back. Katya cackles and pokes her in the cheek.

“What’s so funny?” Courtney asks, her and Willam walking up the bleachers and joining them.

“Sharon’s insistence to hate everything,” Trixie says, and Sharon glares at her.

“I don’t hate everything,” Sharon defends herself. “I just hate most people.”

“No, see, that’s why I like you,” Willam says, pointing at her, “Your whole scary vibe. I dig it.”

The group stays on the bleachers for a while, chatting and laughing. Katya sparks up a joint and Courtney and Willam are very excited to try it, which results in a lot of coughing and giggling. Katya excitedly reassures Trixie about her dancing, and Sharon can’t help but notice the blush on Trixie’s cheeks. Courtney and Sharon talk about politics, and she is surprised to notice that Courtney has a lot of interesting ideas. Alaska and Katya apparently have the same weird taste in movies, and they spend ten minutes quoting lines to each other while the rest of the group looks on with confusion. Somehow, their weird little group is meshing, and for the first time ever, Sharon feels like she may have more than one friend.

When it gets later and the sun starts falling lower, Alaska shivers slightly, only her cheerleading outfit keeping her warm. Sharon hates herself, she really does, but she does the most cliché thing imaginable and she takes her leather coat off, draping it over Alaska’s shoulders wordlessly.

Alaska looks at her then, the orange glow of the setting sun painting her features, her brown eyes sparkling, her pink lips in a perfect smile. “Thank you, Sharon,” she says, and Sharon thinks that no moment can be more perfect than this.

#rpdr fanfiction #leather and lace #dandelionprophets #shalaska #tw homophobia #fluff #high school au #lesbian au #alaska thunderfuck #sharon needles #trixie mattel #katya zamolodchikova #willam bellli #courtney act #submission

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cloudybookash-blog · 5 years

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Just finished the first season of She-Ra and I only have a small amount of complaints that I think fall more into my personal opinion on characterizations and story lines than anything else.

Love that the princesses that are there from the beginning are cute, gay and happy. Love that for them.

Love the diversity. Glimmer is body divergent but it never addressed as something inherently bad, or as a flaw - homegirl just look like that. Beau (Bo?) being part of the princesses because he is, and all his little background mannerisms where he’s seen cleaning and keeping things neat.

Scorpia’s entire personality is the greatest, she’s such a realistic character who belongs to a family that gave their allegiance and power source to the horde willingly and she prides herself in her role by taking care of her troops and running a tight ship whilst also being one of the bad guys because well, she was never welcome with any of the other princesses. Her story is so believable and truly underrated. Plus, she’s just very nice.

The other princesses having such a wide array of personalities (albeit without many complexities, I’ll admit) is refreshing.

I’m a fan of the art-style, love all the pretty colors (and kind of reminds me of Steven Universe, ngl). Each setting has its own beautiful color palette, which is always helpful in identifying new places and remembering them when there are about 10.

My only problems really came in three (maybe four) people.

1. Adora. If anything I would’ve thought she’d make the perfect villain. First in everything, the favorite, constantly better than her peers with the emotional range of a teaspoon. Yes, yes, she’s fantastic with her new friends but we’ve seen better characters. She’s given multiple occasions to coerce her old crew into joining the rebellion but she never takes them, and when she does it’s done without heart, like I questioned her integrity a couple of times she just didn’t seem all that willing to help her old friends.

Yes, with Bow (apparently that’s how his name is spelled) and Glimmer she’s loyal and caring, thoughtful even. But none of that loyalty and thoughtfulness is present in her previous relationships. Upon finding out that the Horde is evil and that she more than likely was kidnapped as a young child (insinuating that almost EVERY horde soldier was stolen from their families) she doesn’t, not once, speak to her entire old crew and show them what she knows in a way that isn’t overtly condescending.

There’s a moment where I think Catra is going to join Adora, but even then, Adora is only bargaining, and asking Catra to join her because Catra is literally about to kill her. And EVEN THEN she barely tried, rather than apologising for not being aware enough when they were kids to stand up for Catra in a way that would’ve mattered to her, she just goes on about how Catra doesn’t have to do this. This forces Catra to give up her grounds has someone who’s been wronged because the wrong-does refuses to admit fault.

Like I said, my problems are probably all to do with personal preferences of characters. People probably view this as a unique flaw never really had in an MC before. Except, it’s pretty common in male MC’s in high fantasy’s. And I not only read a lot of those, but also hate them specifically because the characters have minimal self awareness and almost 0% integrity anytime they’re genuinely confronted with their flaws.

2. Catra. Listen, she would’ve been a GREAT She-Ra. You can’t deny it. She’s always coming in second best, she can never get ahead, she’s not only hated but has been actively tortured because of her ties to Adora. She’s been told the only reason she’s kept around is because Adora seems to like her. She’s literally alive because some six year old wanted a pet. She would be the first one to have zero (0) reasons to stay with the horde.

Her entire life has been spent in the shadow and to be able to be She-Ra, with enough support could bring her the confidence in her person she so sorely needs. We’ve seen she’s a great leader, although as a villain in a serial she’s obviously going to be beaten time and time again but she does actually have good plans and she has a flare for the dramatic.

This isn’t Loki-style fanning over a ‘morally-grey’ character this is sadness at the fact people may interpret her character as, ‘people who are ambitious are evil, people who don’t conform to society, or aren’t very charming socially are evil’. Rather than we (the audience) should try being a little more aware of the people around us and how our actions can deeply effect them.

Catra’s personality and in the end her resolve is formed by the actions of Shadow Weaver, Adora, and her team. They bully, ostracize and abuse her (some, unknowingly of course) but that’ s the point. Her ‘evilness’ is brought on by years of people not being self-aware enough to understand the damage they were causing. She’s a great sympathetic villain, I don’t think I’ve ever even felt sympathy for a fictional ‘bad guy’ before so don’t get me wrong she’s fine in her role. I just, personally, would’ve enjoyed seeing her at the forefront of the rebellion rather than Adora.

With a personality that would’ve been open to an underdog scenario, and her persistent attitude (especially if this was fueled by people supporting and relying on her) she could’ve been a great She-Ra.

3. Entrapta. Again this is solely the whole how she’s going to perceived thing, ‘geeks and freaks are weird and societal outcasts are evil.’ It keeps up this narrative of only certain types of people are allowed to be good, there’s a check list of traits you have to have that are unrelated to your ideologies that decide which side you fight for.

Entrapta, like Catra, is treated like an outcast and always (in sinisterly subtle ways that are usually used as comedic relief) made to feel bad for who she is. She’s curious on top of everything else but the lesson we get about her story ark is curiosity killed the rebellion. It’s like saying ‘don’t be too curious’, otherwise you’ll end up with no morals and will be easily manipulated into joining the ‘evil people’.

When, again, the meaning should be that we REALLY need to put more effort into making those in our society who are different know and understand that they’re important. No, this doesn’t mean baby school shooter, incel type people or people who legitimately go out of their way to hurt others for no reason. But, we shouldn’t treat neuro-divergent people with such hostilities (subtle or otherwise) because then WE create the monster. Just as with Catra, Entrapta was created through the actions of her peers towards her person.

I can’t blame either of these villains for choosing the dark side, who wasn't to be good when the people on the good side don’t want you to be, well, YOU.

4. Decidedly, four things that bug me. Bow and Glimmers (already mentioned Adora’s part in this) and extendedly the other Princesses’ treatment of those in the horde they meet. One specific scene got me MAD. Bow is imprisoned and one of Adora’s ex-crew mates begins betraying his own just because Bow is the first person to actual listen and all this kid wants is to have friends, real friends that would do anything for one another and this poor kid is TRYING. Bow’s reaction was abysmal to say the least. At first, he cracks a joke that he doesn’t really have a choice as he’s imprisoned, we get it, funny ha-ha. But, he genuinely appears to believe that the only reason he’s listening is because he’s imprisoned, that he (who gave Adora her chance before even really getting to know her) wouldn’t give the exact same to this kid actively risking his life to relay information about Glimmer.

Bow’s the puppy-love character whose flaw is (supposed to be) that he loves/trusts too easy. So why is he suddenly not listening to this kid just trying to have a friend who is actively helping Bow and is (possibly) the sole reason they find Glimmer in the end. Without his help there wouldn’t have been enough time to hack into the horde’s tech again to search for her. But, Bow doesn’t say anything when his rescue arrives AND THROWS THIS KID OFF A CLIFF MID-SENTENCE. I don’t know, that felt so wildly out of character.

Glimmer I understand more, she’s hotheaded and originally was VERY against Adora. It took a lot of life threatening situations for her to finally begin trusting Adora. Still, upon getting to know Adora, learning how horribly she was raised, the trauma it’s left her with, Glimmer (not for one seconds) questions whether they should MAYBE check on other horde members, no one should be kidnapped and raised in such an environment only to die for a regime that’s been lying to them. Yet, that’s exactly what happened.

Don’t get me wrong, these are four things that I pretty much understand have more to do with my preferences with characters and story-lines than anything else and like I said, the list (though detailed because I love being negative) is small in comparison to list of things that I like so far about the show.

Just wanted to get that out there.

Also, does the Voltron fandom follow She-Ra because this ECHOES Voltron vibes and I honestly don’t see a reason why they shouldn’t also vehemently back this show (other than the straights that watch Voltron are too busy getting off on gay men to care or give any ground to a just as diverse, funny, cast that just so happens to have gender flipped the story.)

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cracking-the-mind · 5 years

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My Thoughts on Delta Rune

This is probably going to go all over the place but I just need to put my thoughts down somewhere before I can really go forward with any of my speculations.

I’ll give you the tl;dr version first: The game is not finished yet (obviously) and it could GREATLY go with some expansion on its game mechanics and enemies as well as giving depth to the secondary characters in the story. That said, what we’ve received in the first chapter is something that I still enjoyed greatly and is something that I’ll be thinking about for months to come. I’ll be patiently waiting for the next chapters.

I’ll stick my in-depth analysis under a cut for you to save people from a wall of text.

I guess we’ll go in chronological order? Right, okay, the beginning of the story. It feels... incredibly melancholy and lonely despite the people waving at the car as you drive by and the happy music playing. Your/Kris’s entire side of the room is devoid of decoration save for a red wagon and a bird cage that I’m not even going to touch with a fifty foot pole for right now. You then learn that Asriel’s your brother and that he’s gone off to university, leaving the small town he lived in behind. And from what you gather as you go along in the story is that you two were inseparable and him leaving had apparently taken a toll on you. Now it’s just you and your mom in a house that feels all too big for the both of you. It’s just you.

Now, the beginning school bit left me on edge for the sake of how it could hit so close to home for so many people. The social outcastedness despite how others may (poorly) attempt to include you. It’s... jarring in a sense. Now, you’re left without a partner in group work due to you being late. The teacher then pairs you up with Susie, the other social outcast/bully in the class, but sends the both of you off to get chalk before the work can begin. If you go around and talk to everyone before leaving, they give their condolences and are already planning your funeral because Susie is apparently going to murder you.

And, well... she threatens you like she’s going to. And the part that gets me is that for the whole time...

you don’t fight back.

As Susie slams you up against the wall of lockers with one hand and threatens you again and again, you do nothing. You hang there limply without moving a muscle.

Though plot armor prevails and you survive (if you were murdered, what kind of story would the first chapter be? Actually... that’d be a very interesting ending point but I’m not going to go any further with that.) and you continue to storage closet that’s black as pitch. Lo and behold, an entire kingdom of Darkness is in that storage closet. You and Susie are separated briefly and you’ve somehow changed clothes in to something straight out of a JRPG. Spoilers, you’re in one.

And thus, you and Susie both wander the paths before stumbling upon a section of a kingdom that has a giant geyser spouting from it. And there, you meet Ralsei, and prince from the Darkness. He claims you’re both heroes that are destined to save this place. Now, as much of a giant prick Susie has been to you so far, I relate to her in the sense that she doesn’t want to have any part of this weird acid trip that she’s having and just wants to get back. (Even though she is apparently okay with apparently letting everyone die around her if she doesn’t cooperate. It’s a tough pill to swallow and I don’t necessarily blame her for trying to call the bluff about what Ralsei is saying.)

Before that, you end up meeting (and fighting) Lancer, an enigmatic person? monster? who’s apparently been tasked with capturing or dispatching you under the king’s orders. You eventually get the advantage in the fight and he flees. Now given a real taste of the things going on in the kingdom, Susie begrudgingly agrees to go along with it and the adventure truly begins.

Whew, that went on a lot longer than I thought. I’ll try and keep things a lot briefer now.

I’ll be honest, I really didn’t trust Ralsei at first. He explains things in thorough detail a lot and was always kind and patient, even if very a little gullible, from the get go. Plus, it always felt like he was never surprised from any kind of event in your adventure. Though he does end up being a staunch ally all the way through even though he was the person who made Susie defect because she was very un-hero like. Perhaps it was just my skeptical nature that distrusted Ralsei so much? Who knows.

Lancer reminds me very much of Papyrus in a sense. Despite their vocal reasons of why they’re doing such a thing, what they apparently needed the most was a friend. And that comes in the form of Susie. They get along like two peas in a pod when they’re designing their ‘evil’ schemes. He’s incredibly nonsensical ( He doesn’t even have a walk animation! He just slides along the floor.) and seems to be motivated mostly by his own whimsy. I’d even call him immature at times. He has some incredible facial expressions, boy howdy. I snorted very loudly when I saw that facial expression. You know what I’m talking about. He enjoys digging holes for some reason? And then putting salsa and other various things in them?? Even though he’s clearly stated that he’s one of the ‘bad guys’ he doesn’t hesitate to join up with you for a little bit to just chat and such as you’re walking. Though he does inevitably lock you up once he realizes that you’re going to have to leave and take down his dad, the king.

I’ve read a few things where people really did not like Susie, despite how she grows as a character. She acts very much like a brute and doesn’t bat an eye at beating people down for her personal gain. In the beginning, you can’t control her in battle and you have to use your first turn to warn others about her attacks. Susie leaves the party constantly and is vocal in that she hates that she has to put with this hero crap. She’s realizes this (most likely even before she even fell down) and decides to just roll with it. She lets herself be placed in the brute category so people don’t have expectations from her. And from that, she ends up isolated. Though once she ends up becoming a ‘bad guy’ for a little while, she legitimately enjoys herself as she’s scheming with Lancer. Though with that, there’s a side of Susie that most people aren’t likely to see, a side that cares for her friends. She gives Lancer that fruit from the tree that he hasn’t tasted even when she’s hungry and she praises them both for their work. With Lancer, she could just be herself and be accepted for who she is. Which is why she ends up feeling so betrayed when Lancer locks her up with both you and Ralsei when you reach the castle. In her battle with Lancer, I was so torn in what I wanted to do, but I ended up forcefully moving the soul to hit Lancer’s bullets until he moves them out of the way. When she realizes what she’s doing, she first continues to attack until she ends up purposefully missing, stopping the battle. From there, they have a heart to heart and I couldn’t help but smile as she realizes that her actions have been getting others hurt and what’s worse, she ended up hurting her friend because she wouldn’t listen. While she doesn’t show it in an outright way, she comes to rely on both you and Ralsei and will listen to commands you tell her to do. (Also, if you go back and do group ACTs against different enemies, you get some fun dialogue.) She even comes around and deems you and Ralsei her friends after your fight with the king. Her motivations/backstory clearly do not excuse her actions, but they do help explain why she acts a certain way. And when she does try and change herself, I find that to be incredibly admirable.

Also, I don’t think this bothers much explaining, but the music holy SHIT. Toby Fox still has not disappointed in the slightest in any of the music so far

Now that that’s over and done with, I’m going to go through the world, the enemies, the battle system, and finally the ending.

The world itself is incredibly linear. And yet, I didn’t find much problem with how it was laid out. It has secrets and it rewards you for finding them with maybe different gear or an item. It rewards you with information if you perhaps talk to people more than once or with hints about how to spare an enemy. Though a complaint that I would have is that it’s certainly too small. I felt like I was blazing through the world and missing things when I was not, in fact, missing anything. It did so well in immersing me in the world with the game play and music that I lost track of time.

The enemies are all unique (barring the stronger versions in the castle. I feel like that that’s almost obligatory for every kind of RPG.) and have different kinds of ways to spare them as well as different kinds of bullet patterns. This kind of ties in to how short I find the game is, but I found the enemies to be lacking in variability so the fun of the encounters kind of wanes quickly if you backtrack at all. Additionally, I found the enemies to all be incredibly easy (bar one). For my first run, I had a total of one Game Over. And that’s including my fight with the King and the Jester. On a different note, both the King and the Jester were my favorite fights, too. One for the difficulty and one for the creativity behind it. You can guess which one is which easily enough.

Speaking of Battles, the battle system itself is an improvement from the criticisms that I could understand some had with Undertale. You now have three party members that have different abilities and stats and you can all do group ACTs. If you plan correctly, you could probably finish a fight with multiple enemies in around two turns. There’s now a tension gauge that allows you to do special abilities for the characters and even rewards you for being daring in the bullet patterns. Now, with that, the fights are quick but end up getting repetitive relatively quickly due to it. That also coincides with the enemy variability, but I’ll stop from beating a dead horse.

Now, once the King has been dealt with and the Fountain sealed, you and Susie are cast back to their regular world. It’s now well past school time, and you and Susie split, with her talking about how she wants to go back to that world tomorrow. And now, the entire town opens up to you to freely explore. There’s plenty of faces, both old and new, to talk to. And with happy music playing, it’s like Undertale’s last hurrah where you could go around and chat with everyone.

But even still, the world seems very... cold. Your classmates around the town are all shocked you’re still alive, but apparently don’t care enough about you that you didn’t return from the supply closet for hours when they just talked about how you might’ve gotten killed. Undyne and Alphys don’t even know each other, even when they live in such a small town. Gerson is dead and the ones from the Determination experiments have all passed. Several people remark how you’ve changed for the better for some reason, which is good. Though they then also passively remark how weird you were previously. Catty and Bratty hate each other and call one another posers. The bunny running the diner gives you a hot chocolate out of pity when she started reminiscing about you and Asriel visting and getting hot chocolate every Sunday. Asgore, your father, lives in abject poverty. He lives above his flower store and its sad the kind of living conditions he deals with. If you read the notes on the floor, he’s past due on his rent and he’s mocked about giving away flowers out of kindness and needs to start selling them. Still, it’s heart wrenching to me that Toriel kept the kids and the house while Asgore is left with pretty much nothing. And Toriel still hates his guts when you give Asgore’s flowers to her.

Sans and Papyrus have just moved in to town with Sans apparently taking over the local grocery store. There was something about the way Sans acts to us that just rubs me the wrong way. He gives us a fake phone number for crying babies and then jokes about how he fucked your mom last night. It’s not even that stupid punning that he does, it’s just being rude to somebody he just met. What is also concerning to me is that Papyrus hadn’t left the house yet. He’d probably be one of the first people to be running around, introducing himself to people, don’t you think?

Anyway, now that that’s all done and you’ve talked to everyone, you’re tired and you go to bed to go to school the next day. And then during the middle of the night, Kris is thrown from their bed and begin walking like someone possessed or a zombie of sorts. They then proceed to dig in to their chest, wrench out their SOUL, and throw it in to the bird cage in the wagon. And then, out of nowhere, they produce a knife and smile a too broad smile. And then it ends.

Okay, inhale... exhale. WHAT THE FUCKKKK. I’m sure the rest of the people who played this game weren’t entirely expecting that ending. But now, it leaves everyone with even more questions.

My overall thoughts on this game are still incredibly positive and a lot my criticisms have to do with the length, which is something that shouldn’t be much of a problem once another chapter is released. Though what is sad to me is that a lot of what made Undertale endearing to me has been altered in to something more depressing. Or unwelcoming even. Though I don’t have to compare it directly to Undertale due to, as Toby said, it not being related to Undertale much at all. Just a similar set of characters. However, this is still the first chapter and the lore and story has still much to be explained and divulged. I eagerly await for more.

#textpost #longpost #Cracks talks #Delta Rune #this is major spoilers so read at your own risk

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sending-the-message · 7 years

Text

Matchmaker by Ilunibi

After the events with Miranda the RA and her uncontrolled summoning of one of the most powerful Earls of Hell, I won’t lie and say I didn’t have my suspicions about Cereal Girl. She was always just there, always in the right place at the right time, conveniently a witness for every threat Miranda threw at me and each exchange I left pinned back on her door. A sliver of me was convinced that she was the real culprit, framing Miranda to throw me off of her trail and delighting in my misguided attempts to stop her.

Cereal Girl, however, turned out to just be an insomniac, 4/20 enthusiast named Erika Dolores Ellison.

Or “Eddie,” if you will.

She was half my size and stayed camped in the hall’s kitchen, an omnipresent fridge goblin who spent every waking moment functionally baked and cramming food into her mouth. She had a girlfriend attending an art institute in Georgia, came from an affluent family who she figured would be in debt by the end of her already faltering college career, and was accidentally the eyes and ears of our floor. Which, honestly, suited her fine. Freshmen girls were petty, their drama was hilarious, and she couldn’t help but be amused by the weird, metaphysical battle between me and Miranda.

Both of us were still floundering freshmen who never quite pulled out of that awkward loner phase, struggling to make friends we connected with or finding a place where we belonged. Most people avoided her like the plague because she had no filter or shame, just like people avoided me because I’m awkward and unintentionally abrasive. She watched my back when I was out of the building, and I taught her small little tricks here and there that she couldn’t possibly fuck up while high. She even got in good with Dead Coyote, to the point he started selling her some of his weed when she ran out.

My one point of contention with Eddie, though, was that she was a bit more, well, libidinous than I was. Not that I’m a prude--I grew up with Dead Coyote, and he had a library of sex magic notes that I accidentally found when I was ten--but she had a weird obsession with my lack of an active love life. After glancing across a few things about the left-hand path on the internet, she became absolutely convinced that I must be doing something wrong because “evil” spells were powered by the sheer power of dicks. After a week or two of convincing her that hypersexuality really didn’t have anything to do with petitioning demons, she decided it was still a national tragedy that I was a single virgin and made it her solemn mission to hook me up with anyone that had two legs and functioning reproductive organs.

The pool she drew from was shallow. Being an outcast on campus, she basically would invite me out to “parties” with “friends” she made off of school grounds, each and every one of them hauntingly similar to Dead Coyote’s old customers. I could tell that she was a bit annoyed that I’d escort myself out before taking one of her potential Cassanovas to bed, but honestly? They reminded me too much of bad times and I’m a woman with actual standards.

Thankfully, she seemed to have gotten over it by the time spring break rolled around. I’d not heard a crack about needing somebody to keep me warm at night since winter ended, and she hadn’t invited me out to one of her white trash hookah parties in over a month. Most of our conversations usually revolved around what JRPG she had been playing that week, what weird shit I’d experienced over the previous days, and how much we mutually hated our required Gen Eds. Getting me laid seemed to be the last thing on her mind and I was one hundred percent okay with the fact she’d given up since it wasn’t a huge priority for me anyway.

The day that break started, she stood with me outside as I loaded my bags into Dead Coyote’s trunk, asking a thousand questions about why it was him and not my mother that came to pick me up. I didn’t know how to tell a girl who grew up in an actual, functional family that Dead Coyote had practically raised me so I didn’t have to raise myself, so I shrugged it off and told her that we were just really close. There was a knowing spark in her eye, the corner of her mouth curling up in a saucy smile as she tossed a handful of M&Ms into her mouth.

“‘Close.’ Yeah. I get’cha.”

A part of me was offended and wanted to say something. That part of me shut up when Dead Coyote slammed the trunk shut.

“Oh, yeah, Eddie. Didn’t you know? Me and Seymour’re secretly married on the astral plane or some shit.”

“You can do that?” she asked incredulously.

“Fuck no.”

She took being shut down in better stride than most eighteen-year-old girls, nearly choking on candy and snorting a laugh as she hugged me goodbye and told me to give her a call if I needed anything. She didn’t plan on going back home because she liked her independence too much and had one more disc left of Final Fantasy VII before she was finally done, and that game had become a personal quest. Besides, she couldn’t get away with being stoned all the time if she spent the week with her parents.

It felt nice to be back at Dead Coyote’s apartment an hour later, throwing my bags on his living room floor and collapsing on the couch that had been my bed for four years.

For the first couple of days of my spring break, things went pretty swimmingly, as though there had never been a gap in the time that I lived on that sofa. There were trashy talk shows aplenty, gossip on every street corner, and frozen gas station pizzas stacked to the top of an otherwise bare kitchen freezer. Dead Coyote confessed, rather bashfully, that he’d been trying to work with essential oils because he found out the scent of lavender snapped him out of some lesser jitters. He offered me my first beer, and after I downed four of them we mutually decided that essential oils were for pussies and he was getting soft in his old age.

Day three was when things started to get weird.

It began with dreams, weird and slimy dreams that slithered through my mind like serpents and left me awake in a cold sweat, my stomach twisted, and my thighs pressed so tightly together that I’d have made a good mermaid. Sex dreams, wild ones, but wild in a way that was terrifying and scarring. A wet, coppery tongue against my neck, and I could wake up and still smell it in the air. Something rough and cold running down my back, claws digging into my hips, sensations I could feel when I’d snap out of it. The heat was awful, not a warm and sensual heat, but like sticking your face in front of an open oven door.

The first night, I ignored it. You see, occultist or not, I’m always hesitant to blame things on paranormal sources because a lot of the time, your world and your own brain can be ten times more unpredictable and strange. My eyes snapped open on the couch and I sat there, shaking in the dark, until I remembered how stressed out and pissed off Eddie had made me over the course of the semester with her constant attempts to hook me up. I told myself it was probably a combination of being a new drinker and having lingering frustrations about that whole mess. I forced myself back to sleep.

The second night was more intense. No licking, no claws, but I was nine years old and laying on the ground in the alley by Dead Coyote’s apartment, watching a blurry stranger with a knife talk about how tight he thought I’d be. I instantly recognized it as the same goddamn scene with Joseph Shepherd, but when my vision steadied and I looked up to see who was kneeling in front of me, Dead Coyote grinned back at me with eyes like obsidian stone. His teeth weren’t human. It was like somebody took the teeth of a dog and crammed them in a person’s mouth.

I woke up screaming. Loud, baleful howling that I couldn’t even stifle with my pillow. Dead Coyote--real and in the flesh--actually fell down the steps tripping over himself to get to me, though the adrenaline pulsing through me told me to get away from him as fast as possible. I was locked in the bathroom when a concerned neighbor came over to ask what the problem was, Dead Coyote awkwardly trying to convince him that, no, he hadn’t killed anyone and, no, he actually had no idea what was going on either.

When he finally coaxed me out from underneath the sink, I felt nothing but awkward shame explaining my nightmares to him. He didn’t seem scandalized more than concerned, and we spent a good twenty minutes playing armchair psychiatrist while I sniffled into my blanket. He figured it was a mixture of alcohol and hormones. He also conceded that he had no idea what he was talking about, but it made sense logically. Probably. If you squint.

“Either way, princess, if you want, you can sleep up in my room,” he offered with a tired shrug. “Maybe that’ll help.”

So, I followed him upstairs. I knew the offer was just because he was exhausted and didn’t want to deal with me crying anymore, but the idea of having somebody nearby made me feel safe. I curled up on his mattress on the floor, back-to-back with him, swearing up and down that if alcohol was the culprit that I’d just not drink anything the following day. That had to fix the problem, right? I dozed off with wet eyes and a renewed resolve, and I kept to my promise.

I didn’t drink.

But Dead Coyote did, and the more he drank, the more I realized that something was off about the way he was behaving. Mid-conversation, he’d stop and stare, almost like there was something strange or different about me and he couldn’t figure out what it was. Occasionally, if he thought I was distracted, I’d catch him gawking at me like a slack-jawed frat boy at a strip club, but the expression on his face was odd. There was a light on in the attic, a conscious effort he was trying to make not to do what he was doing, but whatever had a hold of him wasn’t going to let him turn away. I was convinced it was because of the fact he’d been downing vodka like a Russian warlord, but after the fifth or sixth time he caught himself, he grabbed a pen, opened his hand, and practically carved a banishing sigil into his palm.

When I asked if he was okay, he flatly told me I’d be sleeping in his room the rest of my stay. When I asked why, he told me he didn’t have a clear answer for me, but he was going to figure it out.

He was the one who didn’t sleep through the night that evening. I was out like a light when I heard him growling profanity just behind my head and felt him sit up and climb off the bed. I listened as he paced and mumbled to himself, as he walked downstairs to get a glass of water. He wandered around the living room a bit, then meandered back upstairs and disappeared in the bathroom. I heard pills rattling around in a bottle and secretly prayed they were legal before he finally laid back down and struggled to go to sleep. His twisting and turning and cussing kept us both awake.

“A bad dream,” he told me the next morning. He paused for a moment, considered his words, then added, “Same dreams you were having. Sort of.”

“Sort of?” I echoed. He ignored me.

“That shit ain’t normal. That shit ain’t natural. Princess, it was like somethin’ was fuckin’ my soul. Or like somethin’ that ain’t got a clue what fuckin’ is was trying to fuck my soul. Bullshit. Pure fuckin’ bullshit.”

He decided that it had to be his fault, somehow, and that maybe he had messed up a ritual and invited something in by accident. With an exhausted sigh, he had me go get his holy water from beneath the kitchen sink and went to dig his leftover sage out of his closet. Our morning was spent cranking the radio up as loud as it could go to keep ourselves awake, smudging every corner, crevasse, and crack in his apartment, and then collapsing on the couch to eat cold fridge pizza and watch Maury. Dead Coyote ended up on my shoulder, asleep and drooling on my hair by the time the show’s host got to the first paternity test result.

No offense to Dead Coyote, but he’s capable of slobbering like his namesake and his spit had the distinct odor of garlic, Listerine, and death. I let him get in a nap, albeit begrudgingly, but the second I could shake him awake without feeling like the world’s biggest bitch, I nudged him off of me and excused myself to take a shower. Hair clung to the side of my neck. I grimaced and hoped there was enough shampoo in the apartment for the both of us.

Now, are you one of those people who gets scared there may be somebody behind the shower curtain while you’re bathing? Like, maybe you’ve seen Psycho one too many times and now you feel the need to check every three seconds to make sure a serial killer isn’t creeping up on you? I used to not be like that because I used to think I wasn’t a coward, but after we cleansed the apartment and I was in the process of cleansing myself, I kept getting this sinking feeling in my stomach like I was being watched. That slight, weird pressure that makes the back of your neck tingle like when somebody is standing directly behind you.

But it was coming from everywhere, and it didn’t stay slight. My face dropped when I realized I could physically feel something beating down on me like the air had become ten times heavier, that I could taste something sour whenever I inhaled, that my brain could pick up on a force, a personality that I couldn’t see. The shower was hot, but the bathroom grew hotter, and my mind raced back to when I was thirteen years old and I fucked up summoning Marchosias. When I opened my eyes when I shouldn’t have.

I peeked out of the shower.

Dead Coyote greeted me. Except not. I knew those eyes and that incorrect smile. I had seen it in my dreams and in that summoning circle all those years ago, and there he was: Not-Coyote, just standing there. Grinning. Strangely enough, he wasn’t very threatening, but he seemed to be enjoying the fact that I was paler than normal and about to piss myself.

I yanked the shower curtain down and nearly brained myself scrambling for the door. I felt something rough drag across my side as Not-Coyote reached out to touch me as I flew, naked and screaming, down the stairs. I had no time for shame or dignity or anything, only enough time to glance up the stairs when I hit the bottom and see Not-Coyote tilt its head and calmly walk from the top of the stairs to Dead Coyote’s bedroom.

Dead Coyote himself, having dozed off again, sat up like Frankenstein’s monster when I hit the bottom landing. He stared at me, nude and dripping with shampoo still in my hair, his brows knitted together in confusion. For a good, long minute he was absolutely silent, stuck in between being puzzled and mortified. When I had yelled myself hoarse and the same good samaritan neighbor from before was banging on the door and threatening to call the police, he finally found his voice.

“Uh, princess? You, uh, you forget what pants were for a minute or, like, is this some kind of weird white girl mating ritual I’m not aware of?”

I ignored him, instead pointing up the stairs and screeching at the top of my lungs, “Glasyalabolas!”

After I was walked back up the stairs to rinse my hair and dress myself (because I sure as hell was not going up there alone), and after Dead Coyote spent thirty minutes trying to convince the police that this wasn’t a case of domestic abuse, we sat outside on the stoop of his apartment staring at cars because I didn’t want to be inside. I hadn’t really realized just how scarred I was from my first tryst with Glasyalabolas until that moment, that very brief moment where I fucked up envisioning his polar opposite and brought forth a monster that got a kick out of stealing Dead Coyote’s face. The dreams couldn’t have been helping, either, with the alley scene replaying over and over and over in my head like a fucking movie trailer.

“Didn’t Miranda threaten you with Glasyalabolas twice?” Dead Coyote asked dryly, practically inhaling his cigarette. I didn’t look at him, instead looking at the neighbor who called the police, watching me from the sidewalk as he dragged his garbage to the curb. He still looked suspicious and I was absolutely humiliated. I thought back to my first, disastrous summoning and how I’d felt so much safer just physically feeling Dead Coyote’s presence in the circle. Like a little girl, I grabbed his hand and gave it a squeeze.

“She did,” I finally answered. My voice was still cracked.

“I seem to remember tellin’ that bitch I’d end her if she fucked with you, yeah? And she ain’t just fucked with you. She messed with me. Ain’t sure which one I’m more mad about.”

He exhaled smoke out of his nose and made a growling sound in his throat.

“It’s been awhile since I’ve ruined someone, princess.”

We barely discussed a plan. I waited outside, clutching a beer in my hand while he went through my belongings to check for any sort of talisman that could have been hidden in my things. When nothing turned up, he quietly walked back out, locked his door, and escorted me to his car.

The car ride was silent. He didn’t even turn the radio on. I stared blankly out the window, angry and embarrassed. How many times had I done rituals and how many times had I called upon spirits and how many times had I proved myself useless in the face of anything more powerful than a disembodied spirit? I couldn’t help with Furfur, I nearly killed a kid with a raccoon bone in sixth grade, and now I was trembling and shaken over a demon I’d actually encountered before. Even though I tried to convince myself it was a reasonable response to the patron demon of murder, I couldn’t help but compared myself to Dead Coyote.

He fought Furfur. He was going to go fight a girl who summoned Glasyalabolas. The man knew no fear. I desperately wanted him to be proud of me, but I felt like trash.

Also, he’d seen me naked, and that shame made it hard to make eye contact with him.

The parking lot in front of the dorm building was mostly empty, save for Eddie’s car and a couple of others. He practically pulled right up to the door and barely waited for the car to stop rolling before he jumped out of his seat. I quickly reached over to throw the car in park and turn it off, tucking the keys in my pocket as I tailed him inside. The lobby was a ghost town, the RA office predictably empty and ninety percent of the denizens having fled the campus for greener pastures. Dead Coyote’s footsteps echoed through the nothing as he stomped up the steps to get to my floor.

He punched in the security code. He entered the dorm hallway. I huddled down as I glanced at the cameras hoping that campus security or a hiding RA wouldn’t come running him down to try to pick a fight because, with Dead Coyote on his warpath, I knew it would end with him arrested. I tried to hide my face as he stopped dead in front of Miranda’s room, glowered at her tacky cork board covered in well-wishes from friends, and punched the door.

Not knock. Punch. As hard as he could. The door rattled, the sound echoed down the hallway. I waited for anyone to poke their head out to see what the fuss was about, but it seemed that the place was entirely abandoned. Except for--

“Miranda’s not here.”

The voice was calm, steady, muffled, and punctuated with crunching. It was a shock, a shock enough that Dead Coyote short circuited for a moment, standing there with a blank expression on his face and his fist still raised to strike. Standing in the middle of the hallway and clutching a bowl was none other than Eddie. She smiled and waved a spoon at us. It was Cocoa Puffs this time.

“She went to Florida, I think? Other RAs are taking her shift or something, but I think they skipped out, too. Fuckin’ assholes, right?”

She chewed, she swallowed.

“What are you guys doing here anyway? You got, like, three days before you gotta be back, Seymour.”

Exhausted, embarrassed, with dark circles ringing under my eyes and my hair a mess, I told her everything. About the dreams, about the weird way Dead Coyote had briefly acted, about the fact I felt so unsafe that I couldn’t sleep in the living room. I told her about the dog-toothed Not-Coyote that chased me out of the shower and that the neighbors called the police and that my only guess was that Miranda had stepped up her game. Dead Coyote had come to wreck her shit, but now we’d driven all that way for nothing and it was going to be a royal bitch to have to go back home and purge the apartment harder than we’ve ever purged anything before.

“It would have been easier to make her fix it herself,” I groaned.

The more I spoke, the more the color drained out of Eddie’s face. She kept shoveling cereal into her mouth, but there was this wide, wild, fearful look in her eyes like a deer standing in a hunter’s crosshairs. Dead Coyote noticed it first; he clapped me on the shoulder and stared her down like he was trying to will her to spontaneously combust. When she drank the final drops of chocolate milk out of her bowl, she wiped off her mouth with her sleeve and shook her head.

“Oh. Fuck. I didn’t know it would do that.”

I said earlier that I taught Eddie how to do small tricks and charms that she couldn’t fuck up while she was high. What I didn’t know was that Eddie had also been doing research of her own, mostly using Wikipedia and New Age websites manned by folks who didn’t really do any hard studying. It wasn’t that she was wanting to do anything malicious more than she thought it would be a nice gesture if she used what I taught her to try to “help” me out since I wasn’t receptive to her more normal attempts. After all, every college girl wants a guy who could make her walk crooked the next day, right?

She was worried, she said, that the reason that I wasn’t actively looking for love is because I was comparing every man I met to Dead Coyote. That there was unrequited love there, and that I was lonely and sad and unfortunately un-laid because I was holding out for the golden trophy that was a thirty-year-old Honduran man with unkempt hair and neck tattoos. And maybe, just maybe, she could surprise and impress me by playing demonic matchmaker with all of the cool stuff she learned to save my love life and keep me from being such a bitter, frigid person.

“I didn’t expect it to fuck up so bad,” she practically whined.

When the door to her dorm swung open, I couldn’t help but be impressed by her set-up. Even Dead Coyote let out a murmur of surprise at the expertly placed and drawn sigils drawn into the carpet with fabric marker, the assortment of candles all in the correct color, the lights dimmed appropriately, and even tokens she’d collected from us: one of Dead Coyote’s cigarette butts and an old tube of lipgloss that I thought I had lost. As angry as I wanted to be, I was actually kind of flattered that she took the art seriously enough to get it right, even if most of her source material was lacking.

Especially in terms of Glasyalabolas. Because Miranda had never drawn the damn sigil right and Eddie herself had the memory of a goldfish, she didn’t associate the threatening notes with her own helpful ritual. She just knew that Wikipedia said that Glasyalabolas was a big, mean dog who could play matchmaker if you asked nicely, and that she vaguely remembered me telling her that I didn’t like the alternative: “Thor Deer.”

“The fuck did you ask him to do, chica?” Dead Coyote finally asked, after a moment to admire her attention to detail. Eddie shook her head in shame, but after some prodding, finally looked up and squeaked a response.

“To have her naked with you, in your bed, and you both up all night.”

There was silence, then Dead Coyote exploded into laughter, laughter so hard that he sank to the ground in tears, snorting like a feral pig. He told her that, why yes, her request had been fulfilled, that Glasyalabolas had done his job, but not in the way she would have hoped. He had kept us up with godawful, painful, terrifying sex dreams. He had left me so scared to be by myself that I slept in his bed. He did scare me out of the shower while I was undressed so Dead Coyote got a look at me that he, quite frankly, wasn’t expecting.

“You have to be literal,” he explained. “Why didn’t you just ask Glasyalabolas to coerce us to fuck or somethin’?”

“I felt awkward saying it that way.”

We spent the next couple of hours helping teach her how to release spirits and dispel hexes, over the top of her apologizing again and again, nearly in tears because she didn’t realize that magic could backfire so badly despite how many times I had told her it could. It was a bit of an ego stroke to hear her tell me that she didn’t actually think it was possible because she never seen me fuck up so badly, but whatever confidence boost I had was marred by Dead Coyote listing off a lengthy series of things I had ruined, destroyed, killed, cursed, and broken over the course of my illustrious career. By the time I got to helping her scrub up marker from the carpet, she was laughing at stories of me making my first animal sacrifice (it was a pigeon, I cried, it escaped inside his apartment). It was as though she thought she hadn’t messed up at all.

It didn’t stop Dead Coyote from giving her a pretty stern warning on the way out. One that involved breaking both of her arms if she ever tried to summon anything ever again. The only reason I was spared from being chided for teaching her how to do anything in the first place is because, even with the knowledge that Glasyalabolas should be gone, I was still secretly shaken, nauseous, and way too embarrassed about being caught in my birthday suit to actually look Dead Coyote in the face.

With three days left of my break, I sucked up my fear and decided to head back home milk my time off with my favorite person for all it was worth. Besides, even if I was going to forgive Eddie, I still needed time to get over how unbelievably stupid she was. The inside of the apartment still smelled faintly of sulfur and I could occasionally still feel the prickle of an unknown presence tingling down my spine, but it was weak enough that it was obviously residual. Dead Coyote even coaxed me into relaxing about my streaking incident, reminding me of the time I found him passed out in his bathtub in high school.

In his words, “We’ll call it even and never speak of it again.”

But even with the awkwardness and even though I knew we cleaned up pretty well, I kept thinking of Glasyalabolas’ face and the dream about when I was nine. It was forgotten during the day--during the times I was actually enjoying myself--but in the dead of night the first day we got back, I found that I couldn’t take being alone in the living room. Shit would just loop in my head, a highlight reel of trauma, again and again until it propelled me to get up, drag myself up the stairs, and knock on Dead Coyote’s door.

I slept back-to-back with him on his ratty floor mattress for the rest of my spring break. It made me feel like I was a four-year-old but it was worth it to sleep soundly, to feel safe. I just knew I could never tell Eddie whenever I finally spoke to her again.

She’d never let me live it down.

#reddit #nosleep #scary #story

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comic-movieheroesranked · 7 years

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Cinematic Comic Characters Ranked! (Year 2001)

Today's ranking is covering comic book characters introduced in Cinematic film in 2001. Our three contenders are Josie and the Pussycats, Lara Croft: Tomb Raider, and Ghost World. I had no idea each one had a comic series. I never heard of Ghost World, but I knew that the Pussycats had a TV show and that Tomb Raider is one of the most iconic games in history. Although each movie had some boring moments, I really enjoyed watching them. So let's get to the spoilers and rank these characters!

Cameo Appreciation: Melorra, Bus Man, Weird Al Waiter (Ghost World)

Since I've never seen Ghost World before I did some research and was happy to see that the movie included favorite minor characters for some quick cameos. We got the waiter who looks like Weird Al, the old man who waits for a bus that's out of service (or is it?), and a girl from high school that's so bubbly it drives Enid and Rebecca crazy.

Cameo Appreciation: Eugene Levy (Josie and the Pussycats)

Not a comic cameo but a celebrity cameo! Actor Eugene Levy showed up in a educational video that explains how and why kids are being brainwashed by the top artist's music. Even though it's random, it's fun and totally matches the lightness of the movie.

19. Ms. Roberta Allsworth (Ghost World)

“Oh. I thought maybe it was supposed to be your father.”

Starting off on our list is someone I didn't think was going to be significant in the film but just kept showing up as it went on. Ms. Roberta Allswroth is teachers the Remedial Art class Enid has to take after initially failing in high school. I went to a performing arts college and my playwright teacher was exactly like her. I never read a single play that was assigned and would completely bullshit my way through our discussions and she bought every second of it. Goes to show that some people really just want you to believe in what you're saying or, in Roberta's case, creating. She even manages to get Enid a scholarship but Enid screws that up when she doesn't show up to defend her controversial art piece at the gallery.

18. Fiona (Josie and the Pussycats)

"You can kiss my cellulite-free ass for all I've done for you!"

OK on the real, I have no idea why Fiona was in the movie. In fact, I'm still scratching my head at the whole "control the minds of the youth because I wasn't popular and had a lisp!" thing. I didn't even think that whole dialogue exchange where she would mumbled under her breath was necessary. Like I get why they put it there, but honestly they should have just cut her out and make the movie about Wyatt just trying to screw them over or something.

17. Manfred Powell (Lara Croft: Tomb Raider)

"Lady Croft, tell me, is there a good reason why I just kept you alive?"

I've always said that in a good movie, if the hero is worried about the villain the audience will too. And if the hero isn't worried...well there's probably a reason for that. The whole movie Manfred Powell is trying his very best to show that he is this intimidating person who knows what he's doing and during the whole movie Lara just proves that he isn't. At the end he manages to surprise Lara by killing Alex, but she quickly fixes it and he ends up dying from his own knife throw.

16. Seymour (Ghost World)

"I can't relate to 99% of humanity."

Seymour, Seymour, Seymour. He's probably the only real outcast in the entire movie. He looks and does things in a different way which quickly leads him to this lonely lifestyle when Enid finds him. Of course he falls for the girl after she shows interest in him and sleeps with him because what else is he expected to do? Like the rest of our characters, we don't know what's going to happen to him when the film ends, but you won't hear any complaints from me.

15. Dejour Boys (Josie and the Pussycats)

"Dejour means friendship!"

The boy band that's on everyone's lips at the start of the movie. These four white dudes are at the top of their game when Wyatt and Fiona decide to pull the plug. It probably has nothing to do with the fact that the dudes are spoiled as hell, especially the monkey. It's assumed they met their demise in a plane accident but they appear at the end of the film, revealing they survived but not after getting jumped by a Metallica crowd. You think they're there to save the day, but they don't. They don't really do anything since they're all in casts.

14. Josh (Ghost World)

"That's a vanilla milkshake."

He's the boy that's too nice to stick up to his asshole boss and too nice to say no to Enid and Rebecca's ridiculous plans. Seems that Enid and Rebecca both had a thing for him at some point which is why they keep bringing him around and involving him in their adventures. Josh, being the nice guy that he is, just puts up with it, which earns my respect.

13. Alex West (Lara Croft: Tomb Raider)

"Now for a cold shower."

Alex seems to be having an on-again off-again thing going on with Lara, who seems to be the in charge of their relationship's guidelines. Makes sense, they're both always traveling the world separately, why make it complicated? He's always there when Lara really needs to release some stress and she returns the favor by bringing him back to life when he gets knifed followed by getting crushed by some giant planet machine. It's a win/win situation for both of them.

12. Enid (Ghost World)

"I just hate all these extroverted, obnoxious, pseudo-bohemian losers."

You know how in high school there's that one person in your group of friends that you know you wouldn't be friends with if it weren't for both of you having mutual friends? Well my person was exactly like Enid and I couldn't stand her. I made it my life goal in high school to constantly call her out on her pretentious bullshit which is exactly what someone needed to do with Enid. Like my person, Enid is trying very hard to be something she's not. She's the type to act like being popular was overrated but if the popular kids wanted her to hang out with them, she'd do it in a second. It was annoying to watch her and I'm a little bummed the movie focused on her more than Rebecca.

11. Alan M. (Josie and the Pussycats)

“Josie McCoy, I love you!!!”

I really liked that when Alan M's car was acting up he went to Josie instead of acting all macho and trying to fix it himself. After I knew I was going to like him. He's a good boyfriend that supports the band and their success even when he's still trying to make something of his folk music career. At the end of the film he ends up crowd surfing to proclaim his love to Josie and then runs off to the side of the stage to continue supporting her as she performs her concert.

10. Bryce (Lara Croft: Tomb Raider)

"Well, I'm a free spirit, me."

The gadget man responsible for all the cool tech Lara sports throughout the movie. He's always cracking a joke and he's always reluctant to join in on whatever crazy adventure Lara is doing next. I also don't understand why he doesn't live in the mansion with 81 rooms that's only hosting Lara and her butler but to each their own.

9. Alexandra Cabot (Josie and the Pussycats)

"I'm here because I was in the comic book."

I never expected a character from Josie and the Pussycats to break the fourth wall. Alexandra did it so well that I mentally gave her a standing ovation (because I didn't feel like standing up from my couch). Because of her answer it doesn't bother me that she's always around despite no one wanting her around. I also appreciate the digs people constantly take on her, mainly as a response to the digs she tries to throw at them.

8. Alexander Cabot III (Josie and the Pussycats)

"I want a vintage tee...and Heath Ledger."

Either I wasn't paying attention or the movie never says who's actually older, Alexander or Alexandra. Are they even twins? Besides that Alexander is the manager of the girls even though he never does anything to actually manage them. He mainly just hangs around and spoils himself on his 15% commission until the end of the film when he realizes that all the superficial things in life do not matter.

7. Hillary (Lara Croft: Tomb Raider)

"I'm only trying to turn you into a lady."

If Lara Croft was Batman, Hillary would be Alfred Pennyworth. The similarities are ridiculous. Hillary takes care of Lara as her butler and doesn't hesitate to grab a shotgun and do damage when a threat arrives. He doesn't seem to mind Lara Croft's lifestyle, only wishes she'd do it in a very lady-like gown. I would've liked to see a little more tenderness between the two but Hillary serving Lara her pistols on a food tray will do just fine for the time being.

6. Wyatt Frame (Josie and the Pussycats)

"Eye Contact. Hand."

Despite being the secondary villain in the movie I thought Wyatt was way more interesting to watch than Fiona. He's a no nonsense kind of guy and knows how to get things done. I can't blame him for working for the dark side when he had to take care of the Dejour boys but I also can't say I felt sorry for him when his evil plans went to shit. Him punishing the Dejour boys was probably one of the funnier moments of the movie but I still wish they just rewrote the script to make him the main villain with a different (maybe even simpler?) evil plot.

5. Valerie Brown (Josie and the Pussycats)

"Wyatt, you messed with the wrong pussy."

In the TV series, Valerie made history as the first African American female to be a regular character in a TV show. In the movie she's the "mom friend" of the trio. She's always there when Josie's feeling down and she's quick to save Melody from whatever danger her naive self is about to get into. She also plays a mean bass guitar. We also see her insecurities when she seems to be an afterthought that comes with the other two pretty white girls. When the girls resolve all their issues, she serves a can of ass-whooping to Wyatt before performing the concert of their dreams.

4. Rebecca (Ghost World)

"Some people are OK, but mostly I just want to poison everyone."

Rebecca was easily my favorite character in Ghost World. While Enid doesn't try to fit in with the popular crowd because she thinks that somehow makes her cool, Rebecca doesn't because she genuinely doesn't feel the need to. While Enid doesn't go to college because she thinks it's uncool, Rebecca doesn't go to college because it really just isn't for her so she gets a job and starts earning a living. She starts calling out Enid more and more (like when she dyed her hair green) and eventually just gives up and starts becoming her own person. I really wanted the movie to focus more on her instead on Enid struggling to keep pretending to be something she's clearly not.

3. Josie McCoy (Josie and the Pussycats)

"It's cool if you like it, it's okay if you don't, just decide for yourselves."

The leader of the band, Josie is the only one who's name is promoted in the group's title. She sings, writes, plays guitar, and knows her way under the hood of a car. She has her insecurities, like every normal teenager does, but she's always there for her girls no matter what. She learns to share the spotlight and encourages their finds to like them for them, not because they're part of the next new fad.

2. Melody Valentine (Josie and the Pussycats)

"The tough makes lemonade!"

This precious cinnamon roll is too good for this world. She's literally always in a good mood, except for when she's being attacked but even then she throws in a few smiles here and there. Melody is the glue that holds the band together, always looking at the bright side of any situation. Despite Valerie being my favorite of the trio, I can acknowledge that the movie was as good as it was because of Melody. In the end she shows us just what a little ass kicker she is before rocking out on the drums for their dream concert.

1. Lara Croft (Lara Croft: Tomb Raider)

"I woke up this morning and I just hated everything."

Is anyone surprised? Lara Croft is one of the most iconic women in pop culture. When I was young, so many people were pumped for the movie. Despite the film being a bit of a bore, one thing most people agreed on was that Lara Croft was everything! The first scene with her against the robot literally felt like I was sucked into the game itself with her flipping around and sporting her signature dual pistols. She's unimpressed by the film's villain the entire time and easily outdo's him in literally every scene they share together. This badass proved early on how awesome a woman can be...and only in a tank top and shorts!

2000's list was dominated by the cast of X-Men and this list was dominated by awesome female characters from three different universes. The next list will cover all comic book characters that showed up in cinematic film during the year 2002. Can't wait to get started!

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shared-diaries-online · 5 years

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Entry 14 - Gifts And Curses (Part 1)

December 25th, 2018

Dear “Diary,”

Well, it’s Christmas, a day that can mean a bunch of different things to a bunch of different people. I hope you had a good day, regardless of its significance to you. Even if it means nothing, I hope you had a good day.

I never quite know what to make of this day. First off, my problem with Thanksgiving extends over to this day. Second, there’s the whole “religion” part, which—in addition to being completely unhelpful when dealing with the first thing—creates a problem of its own. I was raised in a religious household, studied religion as a second major in college, and started hanging around various other religious communities since I moved to the city. My mind is a swirl of broken and incompatible doctrine surrounding the holiday. And now that I’m eeking out something that makes sense, well, this holiday feels a bit emptier. And it shouldn’t. The atheist I dated three years ago still celebrated it. He just stripped away the religious element and kept the part about family and giving. I can see why he did that (it add a little bit of color to an otherwise gray world), but I can equally see why someone wouldn’t. Either way, I hope you enjoyed your Tuesday.

And maybe I should give you some sort of gift for putting up with me both on this day and everyday. So… do you want to hear about the most beautiful woman who just happens to work in my office? I’ll get to the next part of Ada’s story too. So just scroll down if you don’t want to think about the present.

Most beautiful woman in the world who just happens to work in my office…

She comes up from time to time, and I already told you all about the moment I first fell in love with her. It happened suddenly, abruptly, and at a bad time. To be more literal about it, it happened when I was coming back to the office from lunch and the light just happened to hit her silhouette just so. Even before then, I knew she was amazing. She has this warmth to her that can convince me—ever the pessimist—that the world isn’t a terrible place after all. She is goodness after all. She is grace and beauty. Those things you think the world has destroyed by now.

I don’t remember the first time I heard her laugh. I think that might make a better story. Or, at least, it makes for the sort of story that warms the soul. But really, that was a while ago. Before I was in love with her and before my eager heart clutched every shred of an interaction we had. Not in an obsessive way…. But in an obsessive way that is a bit more understandable. I spend so much of my time post-her-presence analyzing every shred of our interactions for some sort of hidden message or sign, either an “I hate you”or an “I love you.” But I never find anything or anything I can’t immediately tear apart.

And just as an added problem, if I’m too specific about anything, she’ll know I’m talking about her should she ever stumble upon this blog. And yeah, sometimes the bandaid just needs to be ripped off, but I’m not ready for that yet. I’m not ready to lose the ability to be in love with her from a distance if only because, well, in addition to being so beautiful and amazing, she’s the kind of the person who smile not only lights up her face but infects her entire body. Quite the sight, you can probably imagine. I just don’t want to give her a reason to not smile.

Here’s the thing, though. I already dropped a big hint in saying that she had a gluten allergy. That can’t be undone, or it could be by some standards, but I’ll go ahead and assume the worst. Maybe… Maybe the best thing for me right now is to keep up the dance I’ve been engaged in for the past few months, where I show a bit more of myself than I should or where I draw a bit closer than I should. I wait for her to reject me, but she doesn’t. Sometimes, I swear, it’s like she’s moving closer.

And if you are reading this, consider this the explanation I was willing to give you but that you never asksed for. That offer never had a time limit on it. And Alex, obviously, isn’t my real name, so don’t let that push you away.

***

We’ve had a weekly catered lunch for a while. Sort of like a perk… It’s a way of looking good, I guess. In exchange, the hourly staff can’t work more than 35 hours a week. If, somehow, you end up doing it, then you will get paid whatever you’re owed, but before that can happen, your manager or even director will swoop in and take over for you. Yeah, they work obscene hours just for us to break even. Not all the time but enough. And we all just make peace with it and eat our half-hearted offered office perk.

But she didn’t. The most beautiful woman who just happens to work in our office started at this job far earlier than I did. So she, like everyone else, took to the routine rather nicely. Everything just fell into place around me as nameless faces who would soon be asking me for favors poured into the conference room, stopping at the long plastic-meant-to-look-like-wood table and took what looked like their usual seats. Which is typical. Which is expected. But she broke the norm…

She comes in slinging a lunch packed up nicely in a cloth sack. Her face is set in its usual expression as she takes a seat beside a dear friend. Although it is worth noting, that everyone was essentially her friend. And calmly, like it was something she had done a thousand times, she started to munch away at her lunch from home.

Now, that shouldn’t have been an issue. If you’re confident enough when you’re doing something, then you aren’t going to catch a normal person’s eye, but I was incredibly self-conscious at this new job, trying to get my footing regarding what is this company’s “normal behavior” and outliers weren’t that great. Sure, if you don’t like what they serve then just bring your own and save a lot of people a lot of trouble. I mean, maybe you shouldn’t be too picky when it comes to a free lunch, but at least, she handled it well, I guess. She didn’t complain.

I tried not to stare at her during the lunch, but anxiety might have led me to do the otherwise. Regardless, that became her defining characteristic in my mind. And a few weeks later, when we stuck in the elevator together, scrambling for a conversation, I blurted it out.

“Is there something I should know about the lunches?” I half-heartedly joked. She raised an eyebrow in confusion. “You never eat them.”

“Oh,” she stammered. “I… I have food allergies. That’s why I pack my lunch. It’s just easier that way.”

She was clearly nervous, taken aback, I didn’t want her to be nervous. I didn’t want to make anyone feel anything close to the terrible-ness that is essentially my default state. So I tried to meet her with acknowledgement.

“I understand,”

“Oh,” she said. “You have food allergies too,”

I thought back to Ada, to the ordeal she had pulled me into. And I cringed. “No,” I snapped. “But I kind understand.”

With that, the conversation was essentially over. Even at the time, I knew it was wrong. She shouldn’t pay for Ada’s actions, even in pocket change, and there was no need to make my mistakes her problem. It just was what it was: something I spent the next few months regretting.

ADA

If you aren’t familiar with theatre life, especially its high school manifestation, I’ll try to spare you any unnecessary details because this is already going to be a long story, but who knows what I can manage.

Theatre people, in general, stick together. They are often very social, who have this giant thing in their lives that their compatriots understand and can empathize best with the related struggles. Also, theatre schedules can be weird at times. Or weird relative to the rest of the world. It’s differently not the standard 9 to 5, I’ll say that much.

In high school, it’s the status of “social pariah” that really gets to you. If you have other activities, than the effect is mitigated somewhat, but I did, and the director of that program was not kind, I’ll tell you that much. Now. More later.

We spent almost every single moment together. Before school, whatever minutes we could scrap together during classes, and after school. Not just during rehearsal, either. Moments of supposed freedom from those responsibilities were still spent together. Because free from work never meant free from the people we cared about. There were two exception: me (band was an intense time commitment) and Ada. While my reasons were pretty obvious and moaned about frequently whenever I was with my friends, Ada’s motivations were never so clear. Nothing about her life was. After we met her parents in the aftermath of that first performance, well, everything became more puzzling. At first, we thought they were just strict. But they were overwhelmingly supportive. They were even pushing her to go to dinner with us after the show, and we weren’t going to a nice place but ending up at a rather questionable diner. Like the kind where illegal things frequently happen in the parking lot. She was the one who said no. We all saw it.

And we all took it personally. Ada became the outcast amongst outcasts, which could have been an accomplishment if it wasn’t so sad.

In all honesty, I was one of the worst in terms of taking it personally and then coping poorly with that perceived affront. I never lashed out directly, but I poisoned the proverbial well against her. Really, it might have been all my fault. Because, sure, sometimes you don’t feel well enough to go out or you have other things to do. Life happens. These things happen. Those are mottoes I live by now, but it took me awhile to get the hang of it.

It was the very next show that I fell in love with her, though, and that led me to take such a dramatic shift that my sins—while not erased from my tainted soul—stopped mattering socially.

It was opening night of the school musical. Her very first one. Ada was stunning, as always. Her untrained voice rose to the challenge of the score and transcended the realm of us mere mortals. She sounded angelic, she looked angelic, and I was the one manning the follow-spot on the catwalks overhead. I watched her, seeing the glow from overhead. Her hair returned the light so wonderfully…. She became the flame, and I, the doomed moth in this cliche, waiting for everything to come apart. After all, Ada didn’t want anything to do with the rest of us, but I wanted everything that was her.

The aftershow happened just as it always had. Plans were made, Ada’s parents encouraged her to go, but with a sad smile, she declined. She carried her vase of flowers back to her dressing room, and the desperation in my soul pushed me forward. I followed her. Not sure why exactly…. After all, it was so long ago.

I called after her. “Hey,” I said. She turned. Her hair fluttered, and my heart stopped, but I caught myself. “Don’t you want to come?”

She didn’t answer.

“I mean, we’d love it if you come. We don’t get to spend that much time toget— I mean, this is supposed to be a whole team bonding thing. You know, it’s like ‘the floor is lava,’ but instead, it’s ‘the floor is literally broken crack pipes.’”

I thought I was going to lose her with that one, but she laughed. Sadness set in, especially in those otherwise sparkling blue eyes. “I’d love to go,” she whispered.

“Then go,” I pushed.

“I can’t,” she said again and started off again, quicker this time.

But I followed her. I shouldn’t have, considering her dressing room was a personal space, but this was one my chance. Or so it felt like it. I needed to push this forward, to take this next step… Because I didn’t understand the whole process of it.

She went to close the door, but I jammed my foot in. Fortunately, Ada was far too polite to ever slam a door.

“Why?” I demanded, as if she owed me anything. It was that old bad behavior appearing again. I couldn’t help it; not a functioning person at the time.

“I can’t… eat. With you guys,” she finally explained. “I have celiac disease. It’s complicated.”

“I don’t understand.”

Ada peeked her head out and looked around before she seized my arm, pulling me inside with one jerk. It took me a second to catch myself, but she kept talking.

“It means I can’t eat anything with gluten,” she explained.

“I don’t understand.”

“Wheat, barley, soy sauce.”

I stuttered at first. “Okay, but we aren’t going to an Asian restaurant. We’re going to a terrible diner.”

“Everything has gluten.”

“Fruit, fried eggs, bacon, I don’t— I don’t know. There has to be something. We can ask the waiter.”

She shook her head. “I don’t want to cause problems.”

“But I do,'“ I blurted out. “I’ll cause problems. And then we’ll tip the waiter, like forty percent, it will be fine.'“

It was a lifeline for her. I was tossing her a rope. She didn’t say as much, but it was clear even in the moment. Her demeanor changed. Her petite body lifted as a weight came off of her shoulders. But she didn’t let herself fall into my offer just yet.

So I sweetened the pot. “Look, I’ll tell the waiter I have this cadallac disease—”

“Celiac disease…” she corrected.

“And I’ll just ask them what doesn’t have gluten in it, the waiter will help me order, and then you can just say that what I’m having sounds amazing and you want it too. Then, like I said, we leave the waiter a great tip. Everyone wins.”

She hesitated again.

“And we get to spend time together. So super win there.”

She smiled, and daring, I reached out for her hand. And to my amazement, she took it.

Digitally Yours,Alex

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chrismaverickdotcom · 6 years

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A Quirky and Angsty Lady Bird Review

I am a quirky and angsty teenage white girl. OK… I mean… I’m not. I’m a middle aged black man. But sometimes I’m not sure. I like millennial pop music. I like YA fiction. I love me some CW TV shows (and yes, I maybe have a teeny bit of a schoolgirl crush on Stephen Amell, but have you seen him do the salmon ladder? Who doesn’t? I also can’t wait for the 100 to come back. And are you caught up on Riverdale? Because OMG!). I mean, I’m pretty sure I’m totally a dude… but my favorite movie of last year was probably The Edge of Seventeen, the story of a quirky and angsty teenaged white girl dealing with first world problems as she sat on the cusp of adulthood. I gave it 4.25 out of 5 stars. In retrospect, I maybe even owed it another quarter star. I just found it so relatable and perfect. It spoke to me. And you know, maybe I’d think it was an outlier. Maybe that was just a one-time thing. Except that this year my favorite movie (and it’s been a good year for movies, especially low to middle budget ones) is probably Lady Bird, the story of a quirky and angsty teenage white girl dealing with first world problems. Why do I relate to these movies so much?

Seriously… I’m starting to question things about myself.

Maybe it’s just that they’re good. Lady Bird certainly was. In fact, it was nigh perfect.

Perhaps we are entering something of a renaissance for the female bildungsroman film. That’s what these are. When I reviewed The Edge of Seventeen I noted that I couldn’t really write the review without spoilers, but that was ok because the entire plot of the film was largely given away by the trailer. It was the story of a quirky and angsty teenage girl who suddenly discovered that her quirky and angsty best friend was fucking her older brother. She then deals with it with a succession of completely predictable quirky angst. #WhiteGirlProblems, amirite? Up top! Hello? Anyone? Huh… I really was expecting a high five there. Which maybe would have worked better if there was anyone else in the room as I am typing the review. Oh well.

That said, as predictable as it might have been, that movie worked on every level because it really wasn’t about the plot. It was about the character development as you got there. It was enjoyable on almost every level. It was good because it wasn’t about where the story was going, it was about watching the story get there.

Lady Bird goes a different way. I can’t really spoil the plot because… well, it’s kind of hard to say what the plot is. Seriously. Just watch the trailer:

There’s not really a plot… per se. Lady Bird is a quirky and angsty teenage girl who hates her overbearing mother. That’s it. Seriously. That’s the gist of the story. And it’s not really even a story. It’s more of a character trait. And it’s amazing.

It’s paced very much like a novel. As I said, it’s a bildungsroman. It’s not so much about the specific things she does, so much as the experience of growing up. She has to learn to deal with changing relationships, jobs, applying to college, sex, family, politics, religion… all while trying to actually learn what it is to be an adult. It is about the weird point in life where she is trying to navigate who she is as a person.. figure out who that person is. And it all feels very real and organic.

The hook with Edge of Seventeen is that even though the main character, Nadine, seems like a lovely and bright girl, she’s really kind of an asshole inside. She’s mean and complex. Here, Lady Bird, played by Saoirse Ronan, is almost the exact opposite. She’s unremarkable. She’s an outcast. She’s a loser. She makes the worst first impressions. She’s not initially likable at all. At the end of the day, all of the issues that she encounters are mundane. They are completely ordinary things that we all go through. But the struggles seem real. The key to the film is learning that she has a wealth of emotional experiences going on inside. She’s a very three-dimensional and tangible. The problems may be insignificant in the grand scheme of the world (and Lady Bird knows this) but Ronan plays each scene like every complication is world ending, because to Lady Bird, they are. These are the biggest problems in her very small world. You certainly won’t aspire to be her… it’s more that you will fear that you are her. And that makes you root for her to be ok. For every flaw she has, she is the very definition of strong female character. Her complexities make her real. There’s a reason Ronan has two Oscar nominations and it feels like she is eyeing her third.

The supporting cast is equally strong. Laurie Metcalf is especially strong here as Lady Bird’s mother, Marion, and if Metcalf doesn’t get a Supporting Actress nomination for this film then something is very wrong with the world. Like Lady Bird, she is very unlikable in many ways. In fact, the trailer basically tells you that it’s her defining characteristic. But the success of the movie hinges on the character. You need to believe that although Lady Bird and Marion don’t really like each other that much, they do love each other. And the climax of the film depends on Metcalf getting that across throughout the earlier stages without having it feel forced. She nails it.

And from that comes humor. I’m oddly hesitant to call this a comedy. At least not in the same way that Edge of Seventeen was. It’s not farcical. Nothing contrived happens. The humor comes from its realism. It is funny simply because at the end of the day life is funny. You want to laugh simply to get through the awkwardness… to cut through the angst. The very familiar quirky angst that Nadine had in the other movie. The source is different. In fact, I’m fairly certain that Nadine and Lady Bird would probably hate each other (and now I kind of want to see that movie). But they have the same insecurities deep down. Not that they would have seen it in each other. And both films sort of show us that we all do. Quirky and angsty teenage white girls like Nadine, Lady Bird, and myself… and YOU. Because you are a quirky and angsty teenaged white girl too. You just don’t realize it. You’re too busy wrapped up in the drama of your own life to notice where you fit in with the rest of the world and to notice that everyone else is going through their own quirks and angsts at the same time.

Writer and director Greta Gerwig surrounds Lady Bird with supporting characters that are just as complex as she is. Rather than simply being window dressing to flesh out and facilitate Lady Bird’s life, they all seem to have their own stories going on. We are not privy to all of the details, but their lives seem to progress while they are off screen. When we do get a glimpse into their lives we see that they have unique problems of their own, some big and some small. Since it is not their story, we often don’t see the resolution. Just like real life. Even the most minor characters are delightful, especially Father Walther played by Bob Stephenson. He probably has about 60 seconds of screen time but he may be the highlight of the film.

However, perhaps the oddest thing about the movie is its time setting. It takes place over Lady Bird’s senior year from fall 2002 to spring 2003. There’s not really a good reason for this. Fifteen years ago doesn’t seem quite long enough to be “nostalgic.” After all, we’re currently in the midst of 1980s nostalgia right now. 2000s nostalgia shouldn’t be for another fifteen years. But perhaps that’s what Gerwig is showing us here. She’s ahead of the curve. One day all movies will be like Lady Bird.

That day can’t come soon enough.

★★★★¾(4.75 out of 5 stars)

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A Quirky and Angsty Lady Bird Review was originally published on ChrisMaverick dotcom

#bildungsroman #coming of age #Greta Gerwig #Lady Bird #Laurie Metcalf #movie review #oscarbait #Saoirse Ronan

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