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#i hope this wasnt too confusing
vodid · 4 months
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building upon an upcoming au with a spark color scale for.. reasons... in which the closer a descendant of primus you are, the golder your spark. pure gold is an immediate child of god. while the farther your lineage goes, the bluer it becomes
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(spark range not drawn to scale. i'm sure it'd take a LOT of generations to get through it like that. but id think its easy to get through the gold; its the blue that has a wider range)
both are positive in their own ways. child of god? you are cherished. have a deep cool blue spark? you have impressive ancestry.
most cybertronians are in the far blue range as cybertron has a lot of history to it, and it could be in such a way that gold has become entirely obscure, only known through word of mouth and could have even ended up a myth to many. religion would uphold this legend (ugh y'all know i LOVE me some gold halo iconography and this would be SO fun to play with) but we all know how deep a religion runs through someone can vary, from entirely atheist to devout.
i can also see more extremist religions twisting it a little bit, in a sort of "the bluer your spark is, the farther from primus you are and thus the more of a sinner you are" and potentially to a point where your bloodline "should be removed from the world." or if you have a gold spark, you MUST have some religious duty to fulfill. primus sent you for a reason. the closer to gold it is, the more expectation there is for you to become a religious figure. this could lead to an actual pattern in differences of religious devotion between those with golder and bluer sparks, which in turn could affirm zealots even more (your spark is blue? no wonder you're not a follower of primus. shameful!)
the thing that really ruins that perspective though is the matrix. it doesn't discriminate against spark color when choosing its prime (have a gold spark? you're closer to primus. have a blue spark? your lineage has made you strong. have a spark in between? you have the past and the future with you.) even if the matrix might not be the will of primus himself, it is the will of his direct children, the original primes with sparks of the purest, untouched gold.
perhaps, despite how private sparks are (unless you are a religious figure), some may decorate their spark casing in a way that stained glass could give their sparks the appearance of a golder or bluer spark, depending on what they want. it can be easy to balance it to a silver, which can really hide which color they are
but don't be fooled, most do not care as they generally have a similar blue in the current day and age. your spark could be cyan, it could be pushing the lines of indigo, but at the end of the day, it's not gold. maybe you'll see a silver in the temple, maybe you'll see a priest with the barest hint of a gold tinge, but not many who have yellower sparks are left. (not to say NO religious figures have blue sparks. many, many do and even a prime may have the deepest blue anyone's seen)
it really doesn't mean anything in the grand scheme of things unless you're the purest of gold, which nobody is ...at least, not for a while.
now the super fun issue is: cybertronians, in a post-apocalyptic world, would have no idea if gold means a child of primus. or a child of unicron. ;3c
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petrichorium · 1 year
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“you broke up with nagi?”
you yelp at the sound of a voice behind you as you leave your apartment, dropping your key as you spin around and clutch your purse instinctively.
it’s reo. he’s leaning against the half-wall across from your door, arms crossed over his chest, watching you with some kind of contemplative frown marring his features.
“mikage, fuck, you scared me.” the familiar face has you relaxing. he only continues to stare you down, and you realize that he’s actually looking for a response; you clear your throat and shift a little awkwardly. “uh, yeah. it just wasn’t working out.”
his frown deepens. it’s distinctly ugly, you think—the furrow of his brow, the way his nose crinkles.
it’s now that you take note of his clothes—the jumper he wears is a pretty blue, certainly costing more than six month’s rent, and the jeans are expertly fitted. this is a singular visit, he hasn’t stopped by on the way to his work. you figure he’s taken the day off; perhaps for this specifically, or perhaps to support nagi. it isn’t your business anymore.
nor are you reo’s business anymore.
“what are you doing here?”
you watch his brow furrow further, that contemplative frown returning in full force. his eyes dart to the side, lips pursed, and he crosses his arms again.
for half a moment, you watch him. when he neither moves nor begins to speak again you decide to finish locking up while he ponders whatever it is that’s nagging at him.
you turn, glancing down to scan the concrete floor for your dropped key. the glint catches your eye a few inches away from where it had fallen—you crouch to pick it up, acutely aware of the pencil skirt and heels you’re wearing for the office.
when you rise to your feet you feel reo at your back before it fully registers.
how he spanned the distance so quickly and silently is beyond you, though you’re inclined to blame those professional athlete abilities. it doesn’t much matter either way when you spin around and find that he’s now right before you.
you lurch backward, shoulders slamming into your closed door, staring at him and his proximity with wide eyes.
“mikage…“ you trail off as he tilts his head.
“do you think i hate you?” the words are off—quiet and absent-minded, like he’s talking to himself, not you. it’s only magnified by the way he stares not at your eyes but at your lips.
you swallow thickly. “i don’t really care. nagi liked me, that’s all that mattered.”
“you don’t care…” reo gives a little huff. he pulls away just slightly, eyes flitting sideways as his hand flies up to ruffle his hair.
“reo—“ you start, and then catch yourself, but the damage is done. his eyes widen and his arm drops and he draws closer, closing the distance in a single step. at the same time he reaches out with his hand to brace against the door behind you, trapping you between his arm and the barricade next to you. you forget how big he is until times like this—until he crowds you up with your back to the wall, and every bit of your vision is filled with him, and he’s so close you’re surrounded by the heat of his body and the smell of his nice luxury cologne.
“to be honest i always did hate when you were around.” you feel his laugh fan over your skin, warm and husky. “but when he told me you’d broken it off with him, i was furious.”
“reo,” you say again, and you’re not even certain what it is you’re pleading for anymore.
“all i could think to do was come here to see you, couldn’t tell you why, but now… well.” he’s careful not to touch you, only to hover, and that’s worse somehow—it has your heartbeat quickening, your stomach flipping. it has you turning your head away and inadvertently baring your neck to him, a motion he takes full advantage of as he dips his head to almost-but-not-quite brush lips against your pulsepoint, and your breath hitches, eyes closing. “now i understand it.”
“stop,” your voice is hoarse, almost breaking, “nagi—”
“push me away, then.” it’s low, whispered like a secret, and he still doesn’t touch you but he keeps you pinned here, a butterfly under glass. as if to prove this point he presses closer, one polished leather shoe sliding forward between your legs, his free hand sliding behind your back. “push me off. i’ll leave. or…”
he drags that featherlight touch up your neck, along your jaw; stops just over your lips, eyes heavy-lidded and halfway to closed. you feel the words against you more than you hear them, spoken so quietly—like if he doesn’t say it aloud it isn’t a betrayal of his best friend.
you could kiss me.
and, really, it’s on reo—nagi, you remind yourself, isn’t your responsibility anymore. reo is the one betraying him. when you press forward, no more than a centimeter, it’s that thought which propels you. when you reach out to tug him in with a fist bunching that handsome sweater, you disregard how much you still care about your still-fresh ex.
and when you come to your senses a fraction of a second later it doesn’t matter. reo surges after you, encouraged by the minuscule taste of a kiss that you’d given him. if you’d thought him overwhelming before it’s nothing like now, as his arms close in and he presses you flush between him and your own front door.
his hand slides in behind you and sprawls, hot and heavy, wide at the small of your back; the other finds your cheek, cradles it gently but insistently as he gives you no choice but to tilt your head up towards his for easier access. in the back of your mind you feel like a horrible person for comparing, but it’s difficult not to—reo’s kiss is desperate, fervent, stark contrast to the lazy way nagi always kissed you. it’s messy, with clacking teeth and a questing tongue and the obscenely loud sound of spit-slick lips. your head would have slammed into the solid wood behind you if not for his hand cushioning you, and you can’t help but melt into him, falling limp in his hold.
before long you’re forced to turn your head and break away for air, chest heaving as you catch the breath he’s stolen from your lungs. he has no such need. his mouth doesn’t leave your skin, but in the absence of yours he turns his attention to sucking what will inevitably be a deep, lewd mark just beneath your jaw at the pulsepoint he’d been so interested in before. and it hits you then, exactly why he’s fixated: months ago, it’d been a mark right there that had revealed your relationship with nagi to him.
the revelation snaps you out of whatever spell you’d been under and you yank your hand back from his chest like it’s been burned. it slams into the door handle, still yet to be locked by the key you clutch in your other—which gives you the only thought you can manage with your mind so fogged by the feeling of his lips on your neck. you still fumble a bit, but you turn it, let the door swing back from behind you and feel the swoop in the pit of your stomach that accompanies your body dropping.
now you thank everything for those pro athlete instincts, because just as quickly as your support falls away reo is there to wrap his arm securely around your waist and, before you can even react, turn the pair of you around so that you land on his chest and he takes the brunt of the fall.
“ow— fuck, are you okay?” he’s sprawled out on the floor of your foyer, one arm around your waist as he blinks away the shock. that jumper is ruffled, bunched up the side to give you a little peek at the taut expanse of skin beneath, as he rubs at the back of his head with his free hand. ironically, you think this suits him better than the stiff, polished mannerisms he typically employs. there’s a boyish charm to the wide, dazed look and the little purse of his lips, the way his hair is now mussed. you’re almost inclined to giggle before you remind yourself, quite sternly, that reo’s charisma has always been a little overwhelming even when he isn’t trying. still, you soften, even easing into his hand at your waist.
but then he pauses in his motions, and lifts his head, and his eyes jump to the now-still door before meeting yours—and you fling yourself back, breath hitching as you settle on your haunches as far away from him as you can manage in a single motion.
“was that on purpose?” he asks, leaning forward to sit up and reach out towards you, all wild-eyed and hazy. you scramble back even further.
there’s a glint to those eyes now that they’ve fallen on you, something you don’t dare to name. something that makes you want to slam the door in his face and never return to your own apartment for fear of what you’ve trapped within; something you’ve only ever seen when he’s looked at nagi but only now realize can be turned on someone else, something you hope desperately is a fluke.
(the following day, when you arrive at work to find your desk flooded with hundreds of deep purple roses, you know it was a futile hope.)
prequel
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k8felge · 19 hours
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nothing hurts more than seeing ur fave character depicted in an official au story or elseworld where details ab them r different but it explores the character in a new way -- its good in a vacuum, but u know it isn't the Definitive Version of that character. Just a new exploration (cool!). but because the adaptation brought in so many new fans and/or was a huge success it ends up being treated like its the Definitive Version and all discussions of prev versions are overshadowed bc of it... even worse when studios / execs see the success and try to pivot to this New Version only and never try to explore new routes for the character ever again (can you tell this is about comics yet)
#like its not as bad as it was but when the batman (2022) came out...#like this is not hating on ppl who are fans of these depictions at all. if u like the riddler in the batman (2022) ur fine#i like the riddler but eh i dont think that version should be the new riddler. my two cents#but dc isnt marvel so i wasnt worried ab them changing the comics riddler to him moving forward#now MARVEL on the other hand...#i dont rly go there tho so take everything with a huge huge huge pile of salt. but sigh#anyways. this post is NOT about shaming ppl who are fans of these new versions#you can be a fan of any of these new versions. idc.#this post is about STUDIOS and EXECS changing the character completely to capitalize on the new versions success#this is just mostly ab mcu i guess i dont know#i want more explorations of characters gimme moreeee there shouldnt be one defined version#i guess my talking points r confusing. i hope this is coherent and comes across well#ALSO SOME RETCONS / NEW VERSIONS R GOOD SOMETIMES!!! it just depends i guess :p#i hope this post didnt come off as malicious to fans of these versions.#HOWEVER. new fans u gotta try to read some of the other stuff too! maybe u will find another version u like TOO!#u can have two cakes... and eat them... lets hold hands and appreciate diff versions of our faves 2gether#a good example of a retcon being good is arcane i guess... not comics but just the designs r so much better#but i wouldnt say everything ab arcane SHOULD be the new runeterra canon...#it works bc its only focused on zaun and piltover characters. to fit it in with everything else is... hard#BUT THATS OK 👍
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bigshotmot · 5 months
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its like wild to me how many people on youtube and here and twitter are like “its not gonna but hl2 but-“ “its totally gonna be a fakeout lol” “theres no way this is hlvrai2 its gonna be (insert other game here)” and like. people always saying like “IF they do hlvrai 2-“ and “theyre never gonna do it” like. ???? why do you its not exactly what it looks like. why do you think its not gonna happen. why do you guys think theyre tricking us. were you not conscious the like nine times wayne has looked into the camera and said it was definitely going to happen at some point. and he said now the gnome finale was wrapped up it was time to finally move on to the next big project (that was dependent on the gnome series being done so its pretty clearly related) like i heard that and when a big secret december project was brought up i thought “well that could be hlvrai2. ill be fine if its not because im sure ill enjoy any project they do but something abt it feels like it might just be time” and yesterday i saw the teaser and was like holy shit its happening!! and half the people are like nah its clearly hl2 but theres no way theyd ever do that so whatever. like ??? are these people all being sarcastic.
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ellies-enrichment · 7 months
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Downloaded gotham knights fully aware I'm not gonna like how tight it is because batman games cant allow me to be silly for 3 seconds
But if I go through hours of tutorial missions before getting Jason on free roam I'm deleting it
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beaulesbian · 2 years
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No bc Mike getting vecna'd is such a good idea if byler endgame is the goal. Like his regret/shame would be the fact that he can't say ily to his gf and the fact that he's in love w his best friend but repressing it. Then will could confess and this would remove some of that shame thus possibly saving him?? Cause people saying will gets cursed has me wondering what his regret would be (other than his love for Mike, which he seems to be relatively accepting of, whereas Mike (if he is in love w will) is repressing it much more and prob thinks it will hurt el whom he really cares about)
(this got a bit longer than i first wanted, but i have too many delusional theories 💖)
exactly, i see this more even as a great tool for their respective character developments than even for the ship itself, but ofc that would be best outcome if this all happened.
in my opinion if will gets vecna'd it would just be too similar to what hes already been through before, it would be unnecessary repeating. what we need is to see will have some connection to the upside down, that will help by the end to defeat vecna or whoever else in s5.
meanwhile it would be much more interesting to see this with mike. bc overall its a bit more difficult to see what hes really thinking, if we only see the surface level emotions.
first, he cares about all his friends beyond anything. and while will and el and max went through such trauma that was very visible, (and theyre still dealing with that, we still dont know much how mike is dealing with anything.
we only see how he changes depending on whos around him and how they interact together (dustin and lucas, eddie, will, el, his family - i feel he acts very different around each of them)
In season one his best friend went missing, was pressumed dead and had a funeral - mike thought, even for a while, he lost him permanently.
In that time el appeared and was helping find will, his friends suddenly think he likes her more than a friend (its whats normal, right? Ofc he should like her before he even knows himself...)
He fights with lucas about el in s1, and one of the things he said (i cant remember exactly now) is how he feels guilty they fought about it, "if only he could have said something more, something better, its my fault"
i think he said something similar in different situations during the first three seasons, and then in s4, when hes opening up to will about this, he tells him similar thing twice "if only i explained myself better, i should have said something more to el, do something better"
from that i get the feeling hes always trying to do not just the best he can, but whats expected of him. and when he finds he doesnt have the power to stop something, or physically cannot make himself say something thats probably not true, he blames himself afterwards.
S3 is such rollercoaster for him, hes with el but cant be with el bc hopper, and then cant say what he feels - or maybe he doesnt know whats hes supposed to feel. And then el and will are leaving. Two of his most important friends, and i think thats what made him all the more confused, bc what if he misses will more than el?
Why did the promise of will wanting only play d&d with mike made him smile so much, but then the kiss with el made him all the more confused?
theres two such contrasts in his personality, where one of his main beliefs is "friends dont lie" and he does as much as he can with honestly, but at the same time he pushes something inside him down and pretends it doesnt exist (his complicated feelings towards.. romance, lets say).
Back to the vecna theory - this is why i think if mike gets vecna'd it would add more perspective to his character and for us to see what all hes been going through in the past seasons.
Same as his feelings towards will, its been there building from s1.
It could be few flashbacks and memories telling the audience the scenes that already happened from mike's point of view, how he struggles at home,
how he regretted the words he said to will in s3 (its not my fault you dont like girls), bc it was more directed at himself than will, but he didnt realize that yet.
how finding eddie and playing in d&d club could mean hes slowly finding himself (and with d&d being like a connection will again, bc its something they both loved playing together).
And how all of this is so confusing, especially for their time in the 80s, and hes still trying his best, but slowly, more and more cant ignore that his heart wants something (someone) else than hes supposed to be with.
Its just all these things that will go either unnoticed and unmentioned in the series, which i think would be a shame, or it could be addressed in the way with vecna who would manipulate his fears and nightmares, and if others can save him (which im sure they would), he could start process it in a better way, more honest to himself as well to others. To accept himself, and by that also will's feelings (if he noticed those, which i dont think he did, i think will noticed mike's confused ones, if anything.)
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sophiethewitch1 · 3 months
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🫶 thanks for responding back! i appreciate all the hard work you’ve planned out for us 🎉 i can’t wait to see more of the darker themes fleshed out at the end of the first part, i will be waiting patiently LOL 👍 in terms of yandere, how bad do you think it will be? what do you have planned in that department?
also i hope you get better soon 😅 please take breaks and certainly take your time!
well ive said that its very mild on the yandere side even later on in the slowburn. its barely yandere more, like... obsession??... at least for the first while. the yandere part is more just there as a warning because I don't want to shock people with the small bit of dark content there will be. i really don't like yanderes that hurt reader (they just don't make sense to me. yandere to me is about having too much love, and you wouldn't hurt someone you loved??) and like,,,, spoiler cut here but like, these are all things that are in the tags/warnings/just information around
i need happy endings. i cant handle even the slightest bit bitter ending it hurts me physically. i am writing a happy ending. it will take grovelling, compromise, and probably fixing the universe but idc. i will uncritically romanticise toxic relationships. i can fix him he can fix me we will fix ourselves for each other. THATS ROMANCE BABEY!!! ITS BEING YOUR BEST SELF BECAUSE YOU LOVE SOMEONE!!! AND YANDERE IS ABOUT LOVE. ITS ABOUT LOVE!!!! ALWAYS LVOE!!!!
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girl help
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nightfallsystem · 7 months
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i have come to the conclusion some people just were not meant to live in that world and that person is me
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scattered-winter · 1 year
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yknow I think the core of my problems rn is the fact that I never thought I'd live long enough to have to make all these big life decisions
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layzeal · 1 year
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I don’t quite get why people get so defensive when someone simply points out that LXC is directly responsible for his brother’s punishment. Because he is. LXC is the sect leader. It’s ultimately his decision. However, it’s up to the readers to decide how to feel about it. Some may find it too charitable. Others might cheer him up for it. Personally, I think it’s not his proudest moment. I doubt he feels good about it. It happens. As to 33 wronged “grandpas”, 1) they were senior disciples whose actual age is unknown, and 2) we don’t really know what they intended to do if someone who’s not a raging psychopath had to fight them. That cave scene is pretty vague. We don’t know how the fight actually started only that it did. Were they going to kill WWX? To kill both of them? I dunno. In any case, my sympathies are ultimately with someone who got his back flayed open which took 3 years to recover. I feel like whoever inflicted the punishment is pretty damn fine, they got their justice. But ymmv 💁‍♀️
????? ok?
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princekirijo · 7 months
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What are some of Spiderfiend's enemies that you haven't talked about yet?
Oh that's a good question actually I haven't mentioned Fiend in a while!
So Spiderfiend currently has three major enemies that are gonna be part of three separate story arcs (hypothetical story arcs mind you I don't plan on doing anything with this at the moment). I don't have it all like ironed out but here's a pretty simple breakdown of the three main ones:
The first one is Doctor Octopus (Doc Ock for short), her real name being Odelia Octavius, who just so happens to be a) the founder of Ock Tech and b) Prince's adoptive mother. She is specifically the founder of Ock Tech she doesn't technically work there anymore but she kinda pops in from time to time (she has a secret lab/base whatever there). She also just so happens to be the person who created the modified spider that bit Fiend. When Spiderfiend first started showing up she immediately suspected that it was her spider that must have bit them because not only did his powers match some of the ones that she had been researching with the spider (stuff like increased agility and accelerated healing) but also she had gotten reports from her close lab partner that the spider was missing.
As for her role in the story she is ultimately Spiderfiend's main enemy, and it like a huge presence in all three arcs for obvious reasons. I don't have any major plot points like set for her yet, but I've got like... vague ideas. As for if she knows who Fiend is, the short answer is yes she is aware. Yes she still doesn't hold back when fighting him. Yes she loves him. It's pretty damn complicated 💀
The second one and probably the most fleshed out one and the one I'm most excited about is Mysterio! Mysterio becomes Prince's main enemy in either arc 1 or 2 depending on how they go. His real name is currently the same as the comics, Quentin Beck, and he's a VFX artist turned chemistry teacher. When he starts out as Mysterio he's just stealing stuff for the sake of it (he's a very arrogant guy and believes to be a master of the arts who should be respected and feared) but as he encounters Fiend he becomes more and more obsessed with fighting him and becoming a real threat not too dissimilar to the Spot now that I think about it.
Once he finds out that Fiend is actually using the power of a demon he seeks out a demon to make a pact with so he can finally match him in terms of power. The demon he seeks out is a rival of Mordred, Prince's demon buddy, currently named Mephisto but that could change. Mephisto specializes in illusion which suits Mysterio perfectly ofc. The reason why I picked Mysterio to be one of Prince's main villains is because I thought of all the classic Spiderman villains Mysterio would really lend himself to a demon powered foe? If that makes sense? Basically my brother suggested I should have the villains be powered/be actual demons and I really liked the idea so that's what's happening here. With Mysterio's new powers he's a much more powerful threat and he uses it to really mess with Prince's head :] literally makes him lose his mind :] which ends in fun times :]
The final one then is of course Norman Osborn aka Green Goblin. I kinda felt I had to include him because he's so cool and iconic! Like Mysterio he is gonna have demon powers as well but my idea for him is that unlike Prince and Mysterio who channel their respective demon buddies powers, Norman straight up fuses with his to become the Green Goblin (then he can like switch between forms). I have some ideas about him but I'll keep them to myself for now, just cause I'm still unsure about them.
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katyspersonal · 1 year
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Okay, I have Bloodborne gaming question
How TO enter specific dungeons glyphs? I honestly don't know, I keep seeing videos of players just set up a chalice dungeon by entering a glyph, but I do NOT see a field for this. And so far the only even remote explanation I could gather is that I have to be online at least once for data on them to load, is that true?
I've never entered Bloodborne online in my life lmao - physically can't do that because of my location - but I think I am onto a way to walk around this problem recently, so I want to know whether it's worth it? Guys if you can help let me know, I deadass can't find a coherent explanation what to do ANYwhere
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wings-of-angels · 1 year
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Ok ty for replying but i'm still confused because I was half watching a playthrough once and at the end the game gave you stats and I remember it said a bunch of ppl choose to kiss selina and choosing her over Harvey (don't remember the actual figure but it was alot). So that's also why I assumed it was Batcat but now i'm on tumblr and it's like a whole diff world. I'm guessing the causal fans of the game were more into batcat but the hardcore fans and shippers were batjokes...?
Omg yeah that would make a lot of sense, that its the tumblr gays that love batjokes (cos its mostly queer ppl in fandom) and the more casual, straight fans into batcat 😭😭 which is why it had such high stats
I never even thought about that 😭😭 ive been living in my silly telltale batjokes/john&bruce bubble and never thought to look outside it
Yeah cos i remember what made me want to play telltale batman was a bunch of clips on tiktok that i saw of playthroughs where john says some insanely homoerotic dialogue to bruce 😭😭 but straight fans would have probably seen any marketing done in the form of batcat (especially if they played it when only the first game had come out, where john only appears in episode 4(?) and his obsession with bruce isn't as obvious) so yeah, that makes sense
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baeshijima · 1 year
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what's soft pity and hard pity mean?
soft pity (from the 70-80 wish range, but most of us say 75 wishes in is the soft pity) is when the 5 star rates start to increase, so ur chances of getting a 5 star character/weapon is higher than before that "soft pity" marker !!
another thing to note is that in the weapon banner, 60-65 wishes in is typically where the soft pity range is met, as opposed to the character banner where 70-80 is the soft pity range ^^
hard pity is basically the last, guaranteed wish where u get the 5 star (the 90th wish) !!
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whywoulditho · 2 years
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vent
#i've been so confused and sad lately#i'm supposed to decide what i want to do with my life this week and the problem is that i already know what i want to do#but i cant do it. because i need to make money somehow. and universities really dont give a fuck about your hopes and dreams and passions#i'm really just a kid. i'm just 17 for gods sake#it makes me angry how i have to go through this bullshit and lay on the kitchen floor and cry my eyes out for hours#i argue with my parents and myself and it doesn't solve anything#'dream big' 'you can do anything' shut the fuck up. stop lying to kids#stop giving them hope dreams passions when you're just gonna crush them as soon as they become young adults#i'm so full of hate. anger. i wish i wasnt alive i wish i didn't have to go through this. this is the worst time of my life so far#i know i should pick myself up. i know i need to start recovering from this but i dont feel like i want to#it already afternoon and i havent eaten anything#i didn't make my bed. i didn't brush my teeth. i didn't take my ocd meds.#i didn't talk to my friends and i've just deleted my insta acc so i cant#i'm scared. i'm so scared of hating what i become. i'm so scared of being stuck with a life i hate just because i made the wrong decision#part of me wants to believe it wont be the end of my life even if i do make the wrong decision#part of me knows its bullshit and i'm just foolimg myself because i know i will regret this for the rest of my life#i hate money. i hate life. i hate that i have to make money to make my way in life#i dont want a house or a car or fancy things#but i cant even begin to imagine being too poor to afford a book i like or not being able to travel around and see new things#like... everything is money. i cant imagine having to stay in the citt i grew up in just because i cant afford to go#i cant imagine it. it makes me wanna die#i want to be realistic about this#but i hate that i have to give up on everything i worked for and hoped for and dreamed of FOR YEARS for realism's sake#i... really need to clear my mind and stop being so dramatic about this#i'm scared. i regret staying alive long enough to see this day honestly#i wish i had died before all of this has ever begun to be part of my concerns#i wish it wasnt so hard. i wish it wasn't so scary#i think i need a coffee and my meds#sorry for the vent#please dont bother trying to help
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