#i just like thinking about thinga that dont matter

[xue-dang]

Since I'm apparently on a coffee kick, I humble present the DevilJudge character and what coffee they drink.

Yohan is a milk no sugar man. He'll drink it black without complaints, but he'd rather not. He does, however, really enjoy a cappuccino, and Gaon enjoys calling him a heathen when he asks for it without chocolate on top.

Gaon likes a super sweet frappe style drink, but only as a treat. For day to day, he's a dash of milk and one sugar kind of guy, though if it's available he prefers oat milk. Yohan says it's because he's trying to be young and trendy, and Gaon can't quite manage to bring himself to tell him it's because milk gives him the shits.

Officially, Elijah is not allowed coffee. Yohan claims it's because shes young and caffeine consumption can affect brain development. Really its because one sip makes her so incredibly hyper it's scary. You know that moment in the horror movie where the villain laughs maniacally and then someone is brutally murdered? Elijah on caffeine gives off those vibes. Yohan has warned Gaon. Gaon has not listened.

He'll find out soon enough.

#op #devil judge #kang yohan #kang elijah #kim gaon #i dont know why im writing coffee metas so much atm #i just like thinking about thinga that dont matter #also after everything gaon moves to switzerland and each morning wakes yohan up with a cup of coffee #he sweetens it every time and yohan cant bring himself to complain #after all after everything gaon is here with him #he cant bring himself to complain about anything and its only coffee #(gaon is doing it on purpose because he is a little shit.) #(also because him and elijah have a bet on how long it will take yohan to say something. #elijah has bet that he never will. gaon thinks he just needs to get used to him being around. #elijah wins.)

[wawawawawawawawawawawawawa]

i'm on my aspd izaya bullshit again but like. thru this lens, isnt his arc a perfect encapsulation on how aspd negatively affects the person that has it? even to this day, many professionals do not believe that pwASPD suffer from aspd. like at all. to the point where aspd was specifically listed as an outlier to the "patient distress is what defines a disorder" rule in an abnormal psych textbook

(see why i don't respect the field?)

but... he does suffer! a lot! like- remember his speech to mikado at the end of the first arc? how you need to keep evolving, keep changing in order to escape the mundane? how you have to keep going and going and going, wether it be aiming high or low?

yeah. normal people don't need to do this, izaya. you are a broken person.

but why SHOULD he be content with the mundane? the things people usually have that make them content with daily life- friends, family, a purpose, a distinct lack of extreme chronic boredom that drives you to do completely insane shit- izaya doesn't HAVE any of that!

"wait, chronic boredom?" i hear yall thinking. maybe. "isnt that an adhd thing?"

more than one disorder can have the same symptom. theres like a billion that have "want to die" as a symptom. but i dont really blame you for not knowing, its not talked about much

studies have shown that aspd and adhd are both problems with the dopamine receptors in the brain. more specifically, adhd is a chronic deficiency of dopamine, whereas with aspd, when you DO get dopamine, your brain gives you quardruple the normal amount.

studies have ALSO shown there to be a sort of... adhd to aspd pipeline. the story goes like this: you have a kid with adhd. maybe they're born like that, maybe the symptoms developed from trauma (which can happen? apparently??) anyway. kid gets abused. kid develops conduct disorder as a result of that abuse, as a natural extension of the existing adhd symptoms. they're MORE impulsive, which leads to them hurting others- and if it sets off the dopamine receptors, an abused kid starving for happiness and power is gonna chase it, no matter what. theyre like, six, they dont know anything about like. morality. all they know is, theyre sad and this makes them happy. anyway kid never gets treated, abuse continues to exasperate the symptoms, and now you have an adult with aspd, AND the original adhd diagnosis! and ptsd, which is HIGHLY comorbid with aspd! and probably another personality disorder, because you're actually statistically more likely to have two of them!

anyway! that's ONE of the ways aspd can develop from trauma, which it is Known To Do.

does any of that sound pleasant to go through? at all?

let me ask you a question:

imagine you aren't getting dopamine. maybe it's your adhd. maybe you're depressed. either way, you try to get it any way you can. wether it's throwing yourself into a hobby or a job, so the sense of satisfaction gives you dopamine, or something like drugs or gambling.

now, imagine that "rush" you felt. was Four Times Stronger.

wouldnt that compel you to do increasingly dangerous and risky shit, just to feel okay? imagine if you had no friends. imagine if this was your only way to be happy. wouldnt you, eventually, stop caring about others and only care about yourself? after all, other people have thinga like friends and a family that you don't have. they have a fallback. you only have this.

and you might say, "i'd never do that!" but every addict says that, and most eventually cross that line out of sheer desperation. and this? effectively makes you into a dopamine addict. which is dangerous! you can't just STOP... gettng dopamine....! it's necessary! but you have no help so you keep doing what youre doing. (and how could you get help? its baked into the system that people like you don't suffer. why try if youll just get burned?

anyway, back to izaya.

he's lonely. he has one friend and he sucks. he feels compelled to do these things even though he KNOWS it'll hurt him.

i stole this screenshot from some1 who insulted my friend once for something stupid <3 die

but it illustrates my point very well! does it look like he has much control over things?? he sure like to ACT like he does, but at the end of the day, he doesn't, really. he ends up spiraling more and more, doing increasingly risky and rash things, just to get his end goal... which is to die and ascend to the afterlife. a lofty goal.

aiming high, isn't he? a final, spectacular evolution.

or, it should have been.

but it wasn't.

izaya's impulses and deep desire to continue becoming more and more drastic, coupled with his lack of personal ties to anyone that could keep him from doing so....

it didn't make him ascend. it left him in a wheelchair, with chronic pain that will last his whole life.

THAT is where mental illness takes you. it doesn't make you a hollywood psychopath, reveling in the destruction you chose, of your own free will, wholly and truly, to cause. it makes you want More. no matter what, you need More. you see people content with lives worse than yours, everyone bound together with some sort of invisible thread, some sort of tie that keeps them together. a thread that missed you. your brain refuses to see people as people, thus you remain lonely forever, unsatiafied wirh company other than the superficial, because it's fun. that's all you're allowed to care about. an endless cycle of bigger and bigger actions, impulses slowly getting worse--

--and the worst part is, it tricks you into believing you ever had a choice. it tricks everyone into believing you had a choice. your suffering is worse than disregarded, to all the people you look at from your apartment, all the people you wish you could have been like.

it's nonexistant.

#durarara #izaya orihara #orihara izaya #🔥🔥 BE FUCKING NORMAL ABOUT ASPD ON THIS POST OR I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL BECOME THE JOKER ON YOUR ASS 🔥🔥 #waposts #we r back with classic waposting complete w too many parentheses and paragraph breaks #peace and love on planet tumblr

[one-abuse-survivor]

im suoer concerned for my younger cousin. hes only 2, and his parents didnt actually want him (an accident). they call him multiple names that are horrible, called him a wimp when he had his blood taken and cried after, they taught him the nword, going around asking, "what colour are they?" to a literal human being, and not an object, they call him a f*g and gayboy all the time, and even slap him upside the head just because. literally no reason. he gets no comfort from them, hes expected to cry it out and be name called when he needs the comfort. dude it hurts my heart so much. i dont know how to help him. i think im just being selfish, as ik if i tell someone, theres a chance he will be taken away, and i wont get to see him again. (my other cousin got taken away and i never saw him again). im 18 and going off to uni in a few months, so whilst i understand, id rarely get to see him after uni starts anyway, i just dont know if im making the right choice by reporting them as idk if it really is abuse or just "one of those thinga" ifyk what i mean. ive reported my own abuse and it was a year long process of my parents hating me more and more, and the social services doing nothing but condoning my parents' behaviour. im so concerned for his mental health but im worried the social services would approach it the same way they did with me, and just make it worse for him rather than help him. i also really dont wanna be found out for reporting them, my family already hates me as ive been "falsely accusing" my dad of abuse. should i attempt to do something? or just leave it as it is, as interfering could make it worse? another thing that is stopping me is a very weird theory. ive slept at their house before (like a few months ago) and they were the opposite of how they act now (and back then) when they come to my house. theyre way more patient, and loving and actually talk to the kids. the theory is that theyre putting it on to impress my dad. "boys should be tough and manly, girls should be in the kitchen and quiet" that ideal is my dads mentallity so it makes sense why hed want to act like that infront of them. when im with them alone, they do really seem to care about their kids and love them and want to help them in all aspects of life. unless theyre then putting it on for me when i visit, and being truthful with my dad. im sorry for it all being all over the place, and i keep switching 'sides', its just super confusing for me lol. is it okay if i get your opinion on it?

Nonnie, I don't have words for how vile your cousin's parents' behaviour is. They are verbally, physically and emotionally abusing and neglecting a toddler. My heart hurts so much right now too. No one should have to grow up like this. No baby or kid deserves to go through even a second of this.

I understand why you're conflicted. It sounds like an incredibly complicated situation, especially if you've also seen them treat your cousins with love and patience in other moments. I can't imagine how much harder this must be to deal with having been through abuse yourself. And you're right: there is a chance that social services won't immediately fix things and your cousin will suffer because of it.

I want to make it very clear that you should always follow your own intuition and perception before my advice, because I'm not in this situation with you. I haven't met your family or interacted with the social services where you live.

That being said, this is my opinion, nonnie: it doesn't matter if they're loving toward your cousins sometimes. It doesn't matter whether their "genuine" parenting style is the one they show in front of your dad or the one they show when they're alone with you.

What matters is they've shown they're capable of verbally, physically and emotionally abusing their toddler. If you're capable of something like that, regardless of the circumstances, then there's little that will stop you from doing it again. Someone who truly wasn't willing to abuse their child would not do it, no matter how much they wanted to be liked by a family member. What's more: someone who wasn't willing to abuse their child would not want to impress an abuser.

Now, regarding whether you should report them, while there is a chance things will get worse for your cousin, I think you also have to take some time to consider if whatever may happen after you report them is worse than a childhood filled with abuse and neglect. Bad things might happen to him if you report, but the thing is, they are already happening right now. He's going through trauma right now every single time they hit him, insult him and leave him to cry. And I honestly think there's a very high chance he'll continue to go through trauma with his parents, because, as I said, people capable of being abusive once are more than likely to be abusive again.

I'm really sorry you've had so many problems with your family and social services. I hope things are better for you now and you're safe from your parents or on your way to being safe from them. I also hope my reply helps a bit. What your cousin is going through is indeed abuse, and his parents' motivations when hurting him don't negate the trauma he's going through.

Sending all my support your way ❤️ please don't hesitate to send me an update if you want or need to. Good luck with uni!

#ask #Abuse #Abuse tw #Child abuse tw #Racism tw #N slur #Slur tw #Homophobia tw #F slur #Abusive parents #Toddler abuse tw #Toxic masculinity tw #Neglect tw #Physical abuse tw #Emotional neglect tw #Verbal abuse tw #Sorry if my reply is also a bit all over the place—I wanted to reply quickly to this even if I'm not in the best headspace #Abusive father tw

[mroku89]

Another Note of song in my hearth to scream it out

Soo lets do it

We pray everyday for litte bit of the fine cake

The best piece we all see in the sky

The piece our veins shake it .

But why We all dont see this beautiful pieces in our soul ,why we all runing for something that isnt ours even if we work hard to get what we want , our mind always see more taste in other way ...

Why peopoe near death or just people who lost something imporant ...

Only they can be truppy happy what they have left and be proud of who they really are ?

Do the sharpness of the knife matter ? Do the sticky blood dropping on your neck really making a change of thoughts ?

Why people with breath illnes are trully happy of every breath , really its only cuz they can feel it can be last one ?

Sometimes its just sad listening to people not beeing happy who they are even if you see how admire they are by others ... Its weird

Or just the other toppic how people missunderstand peoples who have some argues about some specific thinga they talking about + and - and why they think the specific toppic is negative . peoople miss understand alot that people , and talking just how negative and unhappy he is.

I like taking argue with some toppics to hear other thoughts but do i? Really look sad ?

Look at my soul full of pride

Look at my face full of smile

Look at my gun im gonna shoot happines to your face

World spining all the time in this moment you can just miss my smile or even on that miss my tear .

Im trully happy who I am today and being proud of all bad things or even this near deeath situation . meybe really its the same reason I wrote about but am I ? Meybe . People are sometimes too weird but we all have 1 thing in common .

One day . One situation and one moment we all miss and wanted to live it for ever even if we really are the same moment we thinking about at the moment .

Shake your thoughts be reasonable and be proud who you really are cuz We are the People and we can do evrythint if we really want it.

For last though I want to remind you all my favorite

If you really want something ,you will get it only if you want it the same much as air when you drowning .

And remember you will never trully feel it it you dont try but stay safe

Catch a smile

[ladybug-journal]

ita been awhile. ive been doing good. too good. fake good? real good? I started counseling again. I feel stupid everytime i go and everytime i leave. Do i even need to be there? Am i faking it? Maybe? Im not sure. I made myself feel this way again. I like to read stuff thats trigering to me. I bring it back. i miss it. I miss the emptiness. I have bottles full of old antidepressants that i think aboit just taking. Do i want to get back on them? I dont want to see that nurse again. She doesnt care. But she can get me medicine. I mean i already have them. No i sjould just take them. im not going to her to get better anyway. God i seriously am the worst. I dont mean in a playful "haha ok the worst". Im actually awful. Who WANTS to be this way? Who seeks it out? Im praying for my braon to rot again. I want to be brave enough to leave. I keep letting myaelf be happy and then do thinga to allow me to feel depressed again. Im selective? there are people who cant leave it. They want to leave but cant. I dont know what i am. But I cant even begin to explain what i am. I can still smile. I cant stop when a smile comes on. Im no where near sad enough. No where near numb enough. Could i just down a bottle of sleeping pills and be done? Could I achieve that? Would my body be able to handle it and just wake up hours later? I always felt like i have a resistence to medication or addictions. Yea good stuff has happened. I can see life and what possibilitoes lie ahead. But is it worth it? No wrong question. Does it matter? A good experience is a good experience yes. And so is a bad one. But life is suffering. And overthinking and dealing with my slowly developing anxiety and hatred. I still dont loke my body. i still want to not eat. I can still make myself eat although sometimes i get nautious thinkig about it. I still get pleasure from things. I have things. But.. i dont know why there is still apart of me that thinks aboit death all the time in the back of my head. Throigh every laugh and every good experience. Its still quietly there askig if i deserve it. or if my joy is genuine or if i deserve it. Cuts still feel good. i miss it too. Always have it in the back ground just incase. Still have a pack of cigarettes just in case. Still have this account and doaries with my black thoughta to go back to and remember just how stupid i am. to trgger myself with remembering every thought ive neglected to overthink about.

#depression #self harm #self loathing #suicidal #im pathetic #what is wrong with me #this is so stupid #im so tired #im so sorry #not important #i'm so stupid #stop being stupid #stupid

[chammomiletea-blog]

Its nearly 4 o clock... Ive woke up around the ending of 2 o clock bc of my persistent itchy skin...

Now im thinking about reality and coinsciousness. I looked into deja vu just a little and apparently theres another version thats deja vecu? I didnt delve too much into the secomd as i just wanted to deal with whats commonly used most.

Some say a lot of thing about it and how it could be a seizure in your brain, delay of information to your conscious side, or psychic happenings.. Like, this is just a reminder that youre on the right path. And so forth

Having deja vu is no stranger to me. I recall fully believing i was going to off myself years ago as everything had felt so familiar... The EXPERIENCE of my surroundings and spot in life.. It was strange.

I was reading this article about coincidences and he went on a bit about the matrix and what have you of layers about physical reality... What if reality truly just does not exist? What if all of this is just something being reflected from some sort of conscious source that we are subconcious to? Us being part of the consciousness, of course. One in the same but there being a part of of us able to see more than what we are seeing. Two points of reality? Or existence?

I probably dont make any sense and this is just me thinking out loud..

I was thinking about dark and light. Could darkness exist completely without light? You hear people saying thinga like they cant exist without the other? Or at least thats what ive heard around me.. Which is also interestinf because we have choice and free will to make up our own reality.. Or own world or existence. Yet some things may be set it stone? Why though? Like...the way we grew up. We could choose to leave that "reality" to make the one we WANT. Idk. But why are we different? This is nonesense talk lol . is reality bendable? You can move into different perspectives... If you have the ability to do so . and have different meaning to something or experience of something.

Weird. I dont get why we exist. Some will say its to experience.. But why? I like listening to a spiritual teacher who also says that we are here to become aware as source conciousness. But why? Why does source want to know itself?do we become the light of consciousness? Would it work the same as human brain? If not, why does it matter? Whats the bigger picture? If there is one? And especially if theres part that can see things more and more objectively? Why do we go through this phsyical life?

..... I think ill write out my thoughts in a journal in regards to matters like this... It may help shape my own beliefs of things or what have you. Hahahah and research stuff like ive wanted to.. Though that was with philosophy but even then.. It all seems to kinda tie with things. Yeah? Mm...

#journal #existence #thought spew #will possibly be refined

[exceptionallyace]

Depression Self Care

Tw: I’m gonna be talking about depression and self harm.

Depression is a bitch. It can make you sleep for days on end, procrastinate your work, or make you forget to take care of your basic needs. So I have some tips (from my personal experience) that might help you when in need.

Feeling disgusting after a couple days of doing nothing? -put on clean clothes, including underwear -rub paper towels over your teeth (if you have little energy) to get rid of plaque -pop a piece of gum in to give yourself minty fresh breath -brush/wet your hair down to get rid of the excess grease. Not guaranteed for a long time, but it did help me keep away the shine for a day -putting your hair up can get rid of the unkempt look (if that’s your desire) -putting your hair in a new style will get good compliments from others, no matter how bad you’re feeling -deodorant (especially men deodorant) will make you smell better, even going on 6 days without a shower -if you forgot to put deodorant on/just ran out you can use a scented lotion or a heavily scented lip balm to give you a good six hours -socks can be worn more than just one day, nobody will ever know -so can pants, unless you spilled something on them -sweatshirts can be acceptable to wear for weeks

Feeling like you’re gonna self harm? -put your razors/scissors in a place not easily accessible before the time you normally cut. Out of sight, out of mind -writing your feelings on a piece of paper and ripping it up can help you release the same feelings as self harming will -doodle on yourself. You dont have to be an artist, just drawing lines can help -put YouTube/uplifting music on. It could bring you out of the mood and make you forget about self harming -avoid triggering events. It is hard, but stopping yourself from looking up images of self harm or that lead to self harm will help you soooo much

Feeling blah, but don’t want people to worry? -a little concealer (whether cheap or expensive) under your eyes will make you look more awake -dressing up more than usual on a casual day can help get nice compliments -watching videos of people talking about self love can help -puppies!!! Or basically any tiny animal of your choosing -telling people you are tired or have a lot on your mind or fighting an illness will generally get people off your back

Just general depression tips -try to shower once a week. My hair goes dead after 7 days if i dont wash it. When you do, take a shower. Make it last 30 minutes long. Use up all the hot water. You deserve it -buy a $2 dollar pouch of face mask clay from Wal-Mart. Use it whenever you need a pick-me-up. Don’t feel like you have to save it for a ‘special time.’ Right now is your special time -dont let other people get to you. And i know, that is extremely hard to do. But doing the above things can help distract yourself from daily stress and build better mental health. It does no good to dwell on what you think others might say (even if they are really annoying) -wash your face/give yourself a clay mask every once in a while, especially if you notice yourself getting a lot of acne. But use lotion after either as they tend to dry your skin out a lot -and if you are in a really low spot, just know that I love you, god loves you, or your pet loves you even when you think nobody else does

Depression is not cute. We all know depression is a serious mental illness that needs to be dealt with. But even the small things like doing stuff on this list can help you on your path to dealing with it proactively.

I am not trying to romanticize nor belittle the affects of depression on a human. Im trying to help spread some helpful information that could lead to better thinga down the road.

So, let me know if this helped. Add more to help others, or tell me if I got something completely wrong. Feedback is very helpful.

That being said, I love you. Talk to me if you need it. God loves you. Thanks, and have a good day.

#self care #depression #mentally ill #self harm tw #tw self harm #tw depression #let me know if this helped #all im trying to do is help others #love yourself #even if you have no love to give

[topicprinter]

Hello everyone. Been following /entrepreneur occasionaly. Im drop out International Economical Relation student, 25 years old, living in Small EU country - Latvia. The mentality here is largely like in every eastern european country(post-soviet). I did drop out of Uni 4 years ago. Did work in different EU countries as a typical "cheap labour". Got sick of the attitude towards me from employers. The attitude I mean is - "just another reppacable easter european".Returned to my home country. Tried to work in local Pizza shop. And again. Got sick of the even worse attitude than " replacable eastern european". You might think - whats worse than that? Youre in your home. Well - i worked there for good 5 months, did many roles and did them simultaneously. And the attitude here, as a post soviet country.... is... Be happy that im paying you a dime. I worked on avg 200h a mth many roles simultaneously, and actually enjoyed it, because it was something new and i was trying to believe that the emoloyer will notice that im generating exponential growth for their small cafe. But all i managed to get in salary was good 322euros A MONTH. But the avarage revenue was about 10-15k euros a month(That is a lot for a town of 6k inhabitants). I was only employee apart the co-owners.Well. Got sick of it. Decided what the hell - I will open my own Pizza Cafe. Rented a place. Asked friends and relatives for amall loans, got about 5k. Now it is all gone, ive managed to get many things for as cheap as ot could be. Almost finished renovating the place of 100sq/m. Bought used gas stone oven for 600 eur. But got to the point thst i have to buy all kinds of bits an peaces. Tryed to apply for "new business idea" loans. But all they basicaly want is somekind of tech related startups. Tryied to re-apply for the sam banks and investment companies several times( 4 finance institutions 6 times) by reevaluating my idea based on their critique. Tried and failed.Ive been raised by Granmother and Mum, but mainly by Grandmother because my mum has cerebal pulsy at its worst. So there is no possibility of asking for money there. I think ive tried everywhere. I even texted my ex, just out of curiosity of what if. Everyones keeps asking when i shall open, some friends even demand the loaned money to be returned. That is seriously struggling me. But i will not stop in halfway. I just am in it for 100%. I just know that it will go. I even have partnered up with some friends, that have offerend help. They kind of do some stuff that they offered, but not full. Mainly because they are full time employees somewhere else and i do understand thst they have job related issues. But i just am struggling from everypoint. I actually have also applied in our towns own small business grant competition, but it is going on for 2 months yet, so i dont know how that will turn out.Funny - but ive had an interview with a local newspepper thst was published on me. They approached me because i was doing daily "live fb streams" of "the steps and things to be done to open your own small businesa in Latvia" Indid that untill the point when i didnt have anything new to add. I do it as something new comes up. But not as iften as i did at start. Seems everything is falling apart not even started. But all my venture started when i registered my company exactly 2 mnths ago( so this is fast forward in big chunks 2 mnth timeline)Okay - that is for background. Now the "why". Why am i posting this?I am asking for advice, and I believe thst here are people thst are not only just and wantrepreneur or a tech start up business man. I think and hope that here are someone who has been in my shoes - that is - someone who have started their oen small company( it doesnt matter if its cafe or not).How did you manage the feeling of stepping in to unknown? How did you manage to delegate and fulfill the roles to your smaller "co-funders" (I own 51% unoficcialy) How the h#& do I get any additional funds in this moment when i think ive asked everywhere and to everyone? How do I cope with the thing that i am not getting to my deadlines(first i wanted to open on 20th of march, then on 1st of april, now... i dont know when) There have been so many things started a bit there and a bit over there. But none of them are finished. But ive gathere almost every thing that is necessery to open. However i dont have the knowledge of installing for an example "ventilation systems" that i actually got for a "sandwich". It seems i have so many things started at once. I have all planed out and all to-dos listed, all of which doesnt require additional funds have been done to the limit where it requires extra money. And yeah, getting thinga done is quite a struggle to me as im kind of diagnosed with adhd.Thst is why here is this big blab here, so if there is Any advice here to be given. Please. Or any experiences to learn from. Or any other Ideas where to go and ask for extra funds?And sorry for any grammar mistakes or any typos. English is just my 3rd language and im using mobile phone without "autocorrect". :DHave a cookie on me, if youve read this far. And thank you. :)

#/r/entrepreneur #reddit