#i literally used everything i had left

[inkskinned]

the thing about art is that it was always supposed to be about us, about the human-ness of us, the impossible and beautiful reality that we (for centuries) have stood still, transfixed by music. that we can close our eyes and cry about the same book passage; the events of which aren't real and never happened. theatre in shakespeare's time was as real as it is now; we all laugh at the same cue (pursued by bear), separated hundreds of years apart.

three years ago my housemates were jamming outdoors, just messing around with their instruments, mostly just making noise. our neighbors - shy, cautious, a little sheepish - sat down and started playing. i don't really know how it happened; i was somehow in charge of dancing, barefoot and laughing - but i looked up, and our yard was full of people. kids stacked on the shoulders of parents. old couples holding hands. someone had brought sidewalk chalk; our front walk became a riot of color. someone ran in with a flute and played the most astounding solo i've ever heard in my life, upright and wiggling, skipping as she did so. she only paused because the violin player was kicking his heels up and she was laughing too hard to continue.

two weeks ago my friend and i met in the basement of her apartment complex so she could work out a piece of choreography. we have a language barrier - i'm not as good at ASL as i'd like to be (i'm still learning!) so we communicate mostly through the notes app and this strange secret language of dancers - we have the same movement vocabulary. the two of us cracking jokes at each other, giggling. there were kids in the basement too, who had been playing soccer until we took up the far corner of the room. one by one they made their slow way over like feral cats - they laid down, belly-flat against the floor, just watching. my friend and i were not in tutus - we were in slouchy shirts and leggings and socks. nothing fancy. but when i asked the kids would you like to dance too? they were immediately on their feet and spinning. i love when people dance with abandon, the wild and leggy fervor of childhood. i think it is gorgeous.

their adults showed up eventually, and a few of them said hey, let's not bother the nice ladies. but they weren't bothering us, they were just having fun - so. a few of the adults started dancing awkwardly along, and then most of the adults. someone brought down a better sound system. someone opened a watermelon and started handing out slices. it was 8 PM on a tuesday and nothing about that day was particularly special; we might as well party.

one time i hosted a free "paint along party" and about 20 adults worked quietly while i taught them how to paint nessie. one time i taught community dance classes and so many people showed up we had to move the whole thing outside. we used chairs and coatracks to balance. one time i showed up to a random band playing in a random location, and the whole thing got packed so quickly we had to open every door and window in the place.

i don't think i can tell you how much people want to be making art and engaging with art. they want to, desperately. so many people would be stunning artists, but they are lied to and told from a very young age that art only matters if it is planned, purposeful, beautiful. that if you have an idea, you need to be able to express it perfectly. this is not true. you don't get only 1 chance to communicate. you can spend a lifetime trying to display exactly 1 thing you can never quite language. you can just express the "!!??!!!"-ing-ness of being alive; that is something none of us really have a full grasp on creating. and even when we can't make what we want - god, it feels fucking good to try. and even just enjoying other artists - art inherently rewards the act of participating.

i wasn't raised wealthy. whenever i make a post about art, someone inevitably says something along the lines of well some of us aren't that lucky. i am not lucky; i am dedicated. i have a chronic condition, my hands are constantly in pain. i am not neurotypical, nor was i raised safe. i worked 5-7 jobs while some of these memories happened. i chose art because it mattered to me more than anything on this fucking planet - i would work 80 hours a week just so i could afford to write in 3 of them.

and i am still telling you - if you are called to make art, you are called to the part of you that is human. you do not have to be good at it. you do not have to have enormous amounts of privilege. you can just... give yourself permission. you can just say i'm going to make something now and then - go out and make it. raquel it won't be good though that is okay, i don't make good things every time either. besides. who decides what good even is?

you weren't called to make something because you wanted it to be good, you were called to make something because it is a basic instinct. you were taught to judge its worth and over-value perfection. you are doing something impossible. a god's ability: from nothing springs creation.

a few months ago i found a piece of sidewalk chalk and started drawing. within an hour i had somehow collected a small classroom of young children. their adults often brought their own chalk. i looked up and about fifteen families had joined me from around the block. we drew scrangly unicorns and messed up flowers and one girl asked me to draw charizard. i am not good at drawing. i basically drew an orb with wings. you would have thought i drew her the mona lisa. she dragged her mother over and pointed and said look! look what she drew for me and, in the moment, i admit i flinched (sorry, i don't -). but the mother just grinned at me. he's beautiful. and then she sat down and started drawing.

someone took a picture of it. it was in the local newspaper. the summary underneath said joyful and spontaneous artwork from local artists springs up in public gallery. in the picture, a little girl covered in chalk dust has her head thrown back, delighted. laughing.

#writeblr #warm up #this is longer than i wanted i really considered removing that part about myself and what i went thru #but i think it really fucking bothers me that EVERY time i talk about being an artist #ppl assume i just like. had the skill and ability to drop everything and pay for grad school. #like sir i grew up poor. my house wasn't a safe space. i gave up a FREE RIDE TO LAW SCHOOL. for THIS. bc i chose it. #was it fucking hard? was i choosing the hard thing?? yes. #but we need to stop seeing artists as lazy layabouts that can ''afford'' to just ''sit around and create'' #when MANY - if not MOST - of us are NOT like that. we have to work our fucking ASSES off. hard work. long and hard work #part of valuing artists is recognizing the amount we sacrifice to make our art. bc it doesn't just #like HAPPEN to us. also btw it rarely has anything to do with true talent. #speaking as someone with a chronic condition i hate when ppl are like u have it easy. like actively as i'm writing this my hands r #ACTIVELY hurting me. i haven't been posting bc my left hand was curled in a claw for the last week #this isn't fucking luck. after a certain point it's not even TALENT. it's dedication & sacrifice. #''u get to flounce around and do nothing with ur life'' is a narrative that is a direct result of capitalism #imagine if we said that about literally any other profession. #''oh so u give up 10 yrs of ur life to be a doctor? u sacrifice having a social life and u get SUPER in debt? #u need to work countless hours and it will often be thankless? well i wish i was that lucky'' #we should be applying that logic to landlords ONLY #''oh ur mom and dad gave u the money to buy a house? and all u did was paint it white and rent it? huh.''

[virsancte]

good days aren't easy to come by

#simblr #ts4 legacy #valentine gen 4 #fun fact for context on why i care so much abt him finally choosing to play the piano on his own #but it's gonna get Long so strap in #basically. the guitar he used to have had been with him since he was like...... my god. probably about 15 #he bought it at a yard sale for pennies from an older woman #it belonged to her late son originally and it wasn't even . supposed to be a part of the sale in the first place. she just took a liking to #devin and figured that really it's better in the hands of someone who would use it than for it to collect dust in her garage forever #and he couldn't really practice at home. his parents... are not exactly the kindest people you've ever seen #he was too afraid of them destroying or throwing it away so he'd sneak off to god knows where and learn how to play it from old #youtube videos on his busted up phone #it quickly became Everything to him. his most prized possession. and it wasn't a shitty guitar either. the son was a professional musician #that's how ellie and devin met in the first place. he was playing at the market she used to sneak out to in the evenings to #and she instantly knew . this boy is going places and really they might as well go together #enough backstory of the backstory. long story short: he was struggling to make rent eventually and was out of vinyls to pawn off #so he had no choice left. it was either that or he'd get kicked out along with his sister. who was still struggling a lot w/ addiction #so he sold it. and it broke him. he's literally just not been the same since losing it #his sister stole him a guitar from a music shop she'd go to sometimes but it just wasn't the same and he had not played an instrument since #until now anyway #still not a guitar. but maybe someday #or he can find his old one and buy it again......... #lmfao if you made it here congrats. you win nothing bc im broke but i do respect you

[mintharasthrone]

okay so larian really just shat all over minthara’s character and her arc huh

#minthara #minthara baenre #guess you gotta be a white man for them to care about you or be consistent #how do you disrespect her character like that and make her so inconsistent #they do not care about minthara #only asssturdion #and g*** #you’re shitting all over her nuance and complexity making her generic #for one thing why would she want you take power from a god who wants you to use it to wipe everything out including her? #he doesn’t want anything to be left to rule over she's not stupid #that’s not her #she literally goes on a whole SPEECH about how all the gods are evil selfish shallow discard you once they don’t need you #how they only have victims because it happened to her and YOU saved her #from the absolute and she also hates lolth for the same reasons and wants to kill lolth #you saved her from being a slave to a god so why would she want that for you??? even what she says to gale abour mystra contradicts it all? #she would ADMIRE you for having the guts to reject bhaal!! for rejecting being his puppet knowing he'd discard you even if she #finds the power breathtaking she knows it's not really real or worth it because you're not free!! so many reasons! her own arc! #she would want you to avoid the fate she almost had and not repeat the cycle #her speech is nulled about how it happened to orin too? them being similar bc of their gods hurting them / their moms tried killing them #it makes 0 sense for so many reasons! she has an oath of vengeance that would include bhaal because he was apart of this?? or am i wrong?? #she is so happy with you and free and says she owes her life to you she’s ride or die wether you wanna control the brain or not #you parallel her in a different way she did orin because she was saved from that she'd want you both to kill bhaal/lolth & their followers #rip my durge playthroughs now #i have so many thoughts and i’m sooo annoyed #it’s so LAZYY #you didn’t need to change that you needed to ADD content!!

[hand-face-chan]

I'm only halfway though Hbomberguy's new video and I dont know if this is a universal experience but my main horrified takeaway from hbomb's plagiarism video so far is that one of my highschools TAUGHT AN ENTIRE CLASS OF 13 YEAR OLDS TO PLAGIARISE. LIKE, ON PURPOSE.

I ended up moving to a much better highschool, but my first highschool essentially taught us to "write" essays by reading what someone else had written and then write what they said again but putting it "into your own words". Which in practice was teaching us to change, for example, "the works of Shakespeare were regarded by many as the first popular art form" to "Shakespeare's plays have been said by some to be the first example of popular media". One teacher actually told us that the process of writing an essay was "saying what the people you've researched have said, in a way where it sounds like you said it".

Like. The tactics that actual plagiarists use to hide the fact that they were stealing. An actual teacher tried to teach me to do that.

#hbomberguy #im so glad i left that school early the next year. it definitely would have gotten worse. #i literally didnt learn what a bibliography was until grade 9 because of how shit my first highschool was. #at the same time if a student wrote a paper that was 'too good' even if it was orginal theyd accuse them of stealing without proof #like i wrote a completely original paper and got the note 'this is very good - did you write it all yourself?' #fuck you man. yes i did. despite you trying to teach me to do the opposite #they accused me of getting my parents to write it for me. i had to show them everything i researched and my dad lost it at them #this was also the same school where they took every kid with a disability out of maths regardless of if they were good at maths or not #and taught them shapes like they were fucking three years old #i remember hanging out in the maths with all the other autistic kids and prentending to have never seen a triangle before for a joke #and while thats really bad and abelist. the non-disabled kids were still being taught addition and division like they were 8 and not 12 #the whole thing was a massive fuck up shit fest. it took the year 7 maths teacher leaving for us to all get the same maths class #and we STILL werent being taught to an age appropriate level because we missed so much grade 7 maths it had to be caught up in grade 8 #i would burn it down but its not a highschool anymore lol

[adashofniallandasprinkleoflunacy]

home from work

#if I speak… #one of the girls walked out yesterday #the best worker we have is on the verge of blowing up on this bitch’s leaders bc since he can do everything quick and efficiently already #they’re putting 3 to 4 ppl’s workloads on him to see how far they can extend his worth and then they’re over his shoulder the whole time #micromanaging him so today he almost lost it and was literally walking around mumbling about his disrespectful they all are (facts) #and how if they don’t think he’s doing it right then they can do it and I know for a fact one of the ladies heard him #bc he wasn’t even trying to hide it at this point and like this dude is cool he has a lot of patience and helps out any way he can #so if HE’S on the brink of snapping then the rest of us don’t stand a chance LMFAO #anyways today was a fucking mess those leaders know nothing about our store yet so they have us making less than what we need until we need #it so we get behind constantly and they made prep a disaster bc again they think they can just prep a bunch of stuff in the morning #and it’ll last the whole day and yes that works in theory but the reality of the situation is every day is different and today #we sold double what we did yesterday so they had to move me to prep to fix their mistakes bc we were running out of stuff 4 hours in lmfao #and I’m the only one left who knows how to do everything on prep bc the other girls had never done it before #we’re supposed to prep 20 mac n cheese trays in the morning for the whole day #we open lunch at 10:30 tell me why I go into the cooler at 12 put more in the oven and there’s only 5 left #it’s been less than 2 HOURS and you’re already running out of macs which means those idiots prepped barely anything just to try and save mo #*money to cut down waste but that gag if you’re losing money bc now you’re short on everything and customers are leaving bc they’re having #to wait a long time for their food #and macs take 40 minutes to cool LMFAO #I get over there they’re out of parfaits they’re out of fruit cups they’re out of kale salads the front is coming in and having to take #stuff as I make it bc they keep getting orders and it’s all just a fucking mess #I have to make a custom wrap and what happens?? those morons didn’t pull the flatbreads out of the freezer like they’re supposed to every #night so now we have no flatbread and I had to run back there and put them in the warming drawer to defrost and we lost an order bc I had #nothing to make the wraps with <3 #I go back there to get more cold chicken SPOILER ALERT they didn’t have anyone make any this morning so now there’s no chicken for the wrap #and salad and it has to be grilled and then chilled for 2 FUCKING HOURS before it can be used #they’re a fucking disaster like 😭 #was the store perfect before?? ofc not but it ran quickly and efficiently as it should and now it’s literally just a mess #this bitch hasn’t even owned it for a full week yet and has already fucked it all up #womp womp!!!!!!

[lobotomyladylives]

people often assume when we all go out together that I'm my half brothers mom (I'm 20 years older than him) & that his parents are his grandparents & it's so funny bc I know it bothers them. old ass idiots

#my dad was 49 & his wife was 45 when they had him #the story behind his birth is actually extremely fucked up like everything else about their relationship #so my dad left her like a million times to try to go back to my mom (who kept telling him no unless he sorted out his issues) then he #would always run right back to her & she always took him back. anyways i guess he said smth along the lines of #''my wife (he was still married to my mom) will always be the love of my life bc shes the mother of my kids'' #and...she went off bc & on fertility treatments without telling him. then shes pregnant & he is still saying he wants to come back to us #so she said he will never see their kid & her son from a previous marraige THREATENED MY DAD AT GUNPOINT #and said if you ever leave my mom again ill fucking kill yoi #so then the divorce was finalized & they got married & my half brother was born. rest is history #for the record i dont feel sorry for my dad at all it was his fault too. the fucking hypocrite was having sex before marriage #and he knew she was nuts & far too attached to her #what a fucking idiot. all he had to do was get on meds & in therapy & admit he was wrong & he could have stayed with us #but he needed constant validation & to be in charge of everything & thats what his new wife gives him. she converted to his cult & now they #raise my brother in it. and she just does whatever my dad wants & lets him treat her like shit. i would actually feel sorry for her if sh #if she werent such a fucking awful person. and she tries to be all nicey nice w/us despite being a literal homewrecker. #and doing things like telling my dad he cant spend more than 50 dollars per year on each of us #while having him buy her a third car & a 1500 dollar fur coat. lol #theyre so much better off financially than us that its unreal. my mom doesnt get a penny despite how much we are struggling #but if i want a relationship with my half brother i just have to pretend none of this is weird or wrong. #anyways i just hope he never finds out the circumstances of his birth bc god can you fucking imagine

[rosalesbeausderholle]

Honestly I'm lucky to have found my girlfriend for so so so so many reasons but POLITICALLY??? I thought my best bet would be someone who tolerated us having debates on feminism because I don't fit neatly in any of the intra-feminist intra-lgbt (too feminist for one, too much of a trans ally for the other) ideological camps but no, we just agree on 95% of things. How? Like genuinely how?

#liveblogging my life #the first time she brought up prostitution and I was like oh boy here we go and then she was like oh i know it's controversial but i think #it's exploitative and i was like I'm so in love #and the first time we were watching a movie w nb and trans characters and we were talking about things about gender that didn't make #a lot of sense for us and about people making up stupid labels like demisexual #but also about the trans ppl in our lives and what we learnt from them #and i was like oh boy thorny fight abt gender roles here we go #but we just... agreed on everything! #and i was like omg marry me #like #literally the 5% part we don't agree on #has nothing to do w feminism but w like drugs prison abolition or reform policing #but my opinions on that come from my very far left parents one of whom works w prisoners #while her family is more conservative #when her mom found out that my mom worked w prisoners she almost had a heart attack lmao

[dunkzech]

uhhhhh i dont make gifs anymore but i made a rosebird playlist amongst the million things i’ve done during the years i wasn’t blogging in here...... i was 16 when i had this blog? mother arryn followed this blog?? im 24 now and all my gifsets are still popping off??? LOL. 

find me on twitter as @kususappho @qiyanators if u need me to somehow be right about everything in rwby for the nth time............ i totally called adam and yang being foils to each other btw <3

#rosebird #ba trash talking #raven branwen #summer rose #eyes / / #jemi nerdlord #thank god i had the foresight to tag literally EVERYTHING back then lol #u know i left a legacy when my friends suddenly link me other peoples convos about my posts from years ago #discords using my gifsets? random reposts on twt? media literacy win #thank u all for remembering me jsyk i'm totally fine! thriving actually! #main blog kone-megane is as dead as this but #i just re-entered fndm around v9 e3 so uhhhhhhhhh #also i dragged about 3 friends into binging rwby during v9 so #who knows! if twitter dies this is the perfect place to crash into #but i'm currently into kokosara from genshin so uh. is this also a safe space for that hahaha #missed yall. thanks for remembering again #sorry i'll be right about rosebird this time i was already so correct about bumbleby LOL

[tardis--dreams]

There's silverfish in this apartment so the only chance for my body to get some rest would be collapsing from exhaustion otherwise i will not sleep for a While

#how long does it take to get rid of them? #ages probably #and i have only one room (+ a tiny bathroom) so i cannot avoid them #they're in my bedroom therefore the bed isn't safe #god i hate it here #i had them in my first apartment too for a short time and i hoped to never experience this again #well #also the guy living here before me apparently has never cleaned the shower or the toilet in his lifetime #the shower is filthy and I've been cleaning it for 3 hours in total already #I'll have to scrub it everyday in order to get a chance to get rid of these years of dirt and limescale #(like scrub it for 30 minutes using cleaning supplies and all. not just clean it after showering like usually #which would have prevented this from happening in the first place if that guy had done this even just once a week) #also cannot fathom how my landlord accepted this bathroom to be left like this #there was literally still toilet paper in the toilet and there is dirt so bad i haven't gotten rid of it after scrubbing for hours #but yeah #the insects are the worst #i mean in korea i had actual bugs but there weren't as many and i think they couldn't climb the walls so i felt less #disgusted by my bed and everything i touch #(there was one in my bag and in the kitchen sink and in my blanket once and #I'm not exactly scared by them but actually disgusted #i guess this is what some people mean when they say they aren't scared of spiders but don't like them anyway #it's just gross and i don't want to see them) #and i will tell my landlord about it and ask if he can at least fix the bathroom silicom so maybe some of their hiding spots are gone #I'm just very tired of everything rn lol #still not using that extra time i have during the night to work for university so that's great #not getting anywhere #void screams

[stonersolana]

it's so fun when the people who took everything from you claim to be the real victims. like, y'all want to dump a years-long friendship in a dumpster fire just cause you're in a romantic relationship and that's the only thing that matters to you, go fucking ahead. but don't pretend to be the victim when you were the one who destroyed it.

you don't get to take literally everything from me and claim that you were the real victim when the only thing you didn't take was the skin off my bones.

#sunbun speaks #i keep having nightmares/memories of the 3-ish people who literally left me with nothing but the clothes on my back #and kept asking for more because it wasn't enough #or the fact that every single one of them basically turned into whoever their partner wanted them to be and would ditch their own parents #if their partner told them they didn't like them anymore #using me as a scapegoat whenever they had negative feelings and accuse me of being the source instead of a voice of reason #or just straight up getting pissed at me when i wasn't going to play their toxic game #and by the end of it all i had nothing: no clothes or any of my stuff no money nowhere to go and no friends #they destroyed my life while i was barely a blip in theirs #people who grew up with wealthy parents are fucking pricks #because yeah that's another thing they all had in common other than being codependent af: they all grew up with upper-middle class parents #they just took and took and took and tossed me aside #cause btw it's really hard to get back a lifetimes worth of stuff in only a few years with no money #i still remember everything they took from me and not just material possessions #and in the end they wanted me to apologize to them for being inadequate in filling my role as emotional punching bag #only for none of them to feel any remorse and get mad at me for implying they did anything that i didn't deserve #even looking at my life now i only have my partner and my kids #as much as i try i can't fix the fact that I'm autistic which means i will always struggle with human interaction #so it's not like it's easy to make friends #especially not friends who don't religiously devote themselves at the alter of toxic monogamy and view anyone else as 'extra' and disposable #in a matter of three years those three people took everything from me and despite it being 6 years later i am STILL recovering what i lost #how can you destroy someone's life who never did anything to you and still consider yourself the victim

[arolesbianism]

Thinks oh so hard abt the spiraling upwards clan founders, especially the birchclan founders. Silly lil kitties who's pasts are drenched in blood with the primary regret of not drawing it sooner

#rat rambles #oc posting #warriors posting #spiraling upwards #long story short they had a shitty awful terrible leader who sucked absolutely ass and they tore him to shreds #I mean that literally they pinned him onto the mountain side and slashed and mauled the shit out of him so hard that his lives evaporated #and several of the cats involved in that scene are sill alive and major parts of the story and I love them #oh also the cat that pinned him through a stab through the throat was his own daughter btw everyone hated his ass so much #and for good reason get his ass #alas in the main story I dont rly get to go too deep into how he harmed everyone involved mostly just three main ones #aka bristlestar because shes murtlepaw's ghost mom dawncrackle because hes also haunting murtle and gullspot because shes bristle's kit #so basically all the flashbacks we get involve those three in some form or another #honeystar was also there and involved but Im not currently planning on having her rly talk abt that #most of her more modern angst is the fact that she was forced into leadership against her will #and shes been alive long enough that shes been leading birchclan far longer than she ever lived in her old clan #but she did go through a lot of shit before birchclan was founded and it definitely shaped her a lot #she used to be a very determined and high spirited lil kitty cat who tried to be optimistic #but her family began to slowly be picked off one by one by both the old leader and the one whod later get evicerated #some of the older cats around her hoped it make her back down from her revelutionary ideas but she noticed that and it backfired on them #instead of being worn down to submission she became absolutely Furious and began to lash out more and become more demanding #it got to the point that she really only had two friends in the entire clan and one of them was her aunt whod later also die after coming #out abt having witnessed the leader killing his own kits #that was the final fucking straw for her and she was fully on board when bristle and dawn started looking for cats to join their rebellion #she did get rly frustrated with them as they waited patiently for the right moment but her remaining bestie kept her from going apeshit #so once the big fight finally broke out she was more than eager to join the hoard of cats chasing the bastard upwards #now unlike some of the other cats involved this legitimately actually made her feel a lot better for a while #for the first time in ages she finally felt like she could be optimistic abt smth again and was excited abt the idea of leaving this place #she had lost so much in this damn place since she was an apprentice and just wanted to finally be able to rest easy #but once they got to their new territory and set up camp things went south real fast as a flood fucked everything up #and after losing the only cat she had left in her life and losing her tail and being made deputy on top of that she deteriorated quickly

[wongcarwhy]

do u guys kno. just how much i screwed myself over

#BECAUSE I DONT KNOW HOW TO BE NORMAL????? #listen. listen. i could have just. asked to take two weeks off when i first got the job. but i was scared they wouldn't give me the job #if i told them right off the bat #and so i waited a decent amount of time to tell them. and then i was going to tell them. but i got scared thinking that they might fire me #or it would reflect badly on me and i haven't had the job for even 3 months yet and i have a performance review at the end of the 3 months #and the thing i am scared of most in the world is when people who are in positions of authority over me express disapproval #so i was just like. ok i guess i'm not going on this trip that's been planned for over a year and for my grandmas 80th #i will just be so sad and miserable about it and make it everyone else's problem #and then. and then. finally. 2 weeks left until everyone leaves for the trip and i finally bring it up to my coworkers being like #oh yea my whole entire family is going on a big trip without me and i'm rlly sad that i can't go #and they looked at me like. why cant u go? and i was like. what do u mean? cuz i'm new i don't have rights #and they were like. what is wrong with u #and i looked at them and said literally everything #listennnn there is a corporate heirarchy and i am at the bottom of the ladder #i know my place and i'm so used to groveling and begging oh my god i need to get a grip pls #am i normal #please tell me cuz i can't tell is. it normal to be this scared and frightened all the time #like. am i the only one who thinks this way.

[whump-it-like-its-hot]

Heading to school now to finalize my decision to retake the year. Set your bets NOW on whether I’ll start crying again, completely shut down and will be unable to speak, or the third, secret option! (Not even I know what the third secret option is yet, but we’ll see!)

#it’s so funny like. this is entirely my decision #I don’t have to retake the year. but if things keep going like this I’m going to crash ceremoniously into a wall by the time #finals come around. so yeah #my parents straightup had no opinion on the matter and I don’t know whether to be glad or upset about that? #because like. yeah sure they didn’t scream or flip their shit. but I don’t want to have to make decisions like that without any #outside perspective yknow #but it’s been like that for years honestly #they’re completely uninvolved in everything I do basically #like my brother in Christ I’ve exclusively used a different name in school for over two years and you literally never noticed #it says my chosen name on all my projects! my assignments! everywhere #honestly I knew I could get away with it because they’d just be completely uninterested in what I do anyway lol #*lol #but. yeah #my portfolio is severely lacking and I can’t just catch that up like that #as I said my mental health is in shambles and our mental health support in this country is even worse off #and I honestly just feel kind of left alone in this decision making shit #like sure I’m an adult! but it’s not like I had much support with my decisions even before I was #no support while making a decision and only judgement after you make the decision #tbf the whole reason I’m so upset about this decision is because it means I’ll have to live at home for another year #I’d be a-okay with taking the rest of the semester off to get myself back on track and then put all I have into retaking the year #but like this I just feel really fucking tired #oops I guess this turned into a little bit of a #vent #sorry oops #delete later

[infizero]

just got reminded of how sometimes when i play a shit ton of splatoon and then start trying to go to sleep my brain starts playing splatoon in my mind unconsciously

#havent been playing splatoon but i HAVE been playing sa2 for um. checks time #6 hours straight? <- good god #specifically working on my chao garden. so i fear i may see it in my dreams tonight #oh and for those of you following along at home. my controller is still at my dorm #my brother is just letting me use his lol #and thank god for it. if i couldnt play sa2 during this chronic sonic period im in i think i'd go mad #im gonna start replaying sa1 as well. maybe tomorrow #i never finished it bcuz i literally just had big's last level left but it was literally glitched #so i couldnt beat it and therefore couldnt go on to the chaos fight and everything T_T #that was a few years ago. but hopefully it will get fixed playing on a new save #if not well uh. fuck me i guess 😁 #serena.txt

[butchjess]

@pheebebuffy: am I irrational for being angry that they repeated a literati line but tainted it w dean. bc I don’t feel irrational but. am I

NO! YOU’RE NOT! it makes me feel insane i sat in silence when i heard that line i completely forgot they paralleled the literati phone call… the oh yeah? yeah is theirs only its a literati staple i can’t believe they did this to us. like yes i know it’s supposed to show that rory’s entire motivations for getting close to dean again are completely rooted in loving jess, even that she’s so attracted to a guy that looks and talks exactly LIKE jess but yknow. is nothing LIKE him. and this pretty much turns her off immediately bc he’s kind of a meathead fratboy type, like… well, dean. remember when he stumbled around town drunk with his friends. he would’ve been a perfect fratboy.

but its just… to do all that buildup on rory very clearly and obviously still being hung up on jess and going well now there must be a catharsis there must be a wallowing scene for him! this is great! and then rory’s doing literati Remake Remastered Redux but with dean as jess and this is supposed to be the catharsis. this just looks like more repression. this is just more repression. there is no catharsis to be found here.

#replying this way bc this is a sideblog and also i had a long rant abt it. #no but literally they took everything from us….. nothings safe #what do we have left.. the ‘hi’ ‘hi’? oh no remembering they did that w rogan FUCK. #this is so tragic its great but also i needed dean to blow up like yesterday. blow up and die. #literati #gilmore girls #rory gilmore #jess mariano #anti dean forrester #i guess