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calumhoodgoss · 2 months

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horror story of a teenage 5sos blogger

let me set the scene - its the mid 2010s, I'm 17, in the height of my 5sos fan career, im watching keek compilations all day and scrolling tumblr all night. Life is good.

Fast forward a few months and I start talking to this cute boy at school. we start going on dates, having first kisses - and first everything elses. we're falling madly in love. it's intense (and so cringy to look back at as an adult) but again, life is good! not a worry in the world!!

eventually.. it somehow comes up that my boyfriend and i both have tumblrs (of VERY different nature's mind you). we wanted to show eachother things we'd found online but we were both adamant we didn't want to see eachothers blogs (FOR OBVIOUS REASONS). instead of following each other, we would send each other screenshots of funny textposts, pictures, etc. - blacking out our respective blog names and url's to protect our online anonymity. life is good!

now by day, I'm spending all hours messaging my totally hot boyfriend but by night... by night, I'm reblogging hot gifs of calum hood, smut fanfics, imagines, general gifs of hot couples making out (ifykyk). it's the HEIGHT of tumblr fanfiction and imagine culture and I could not get enough. i was exploring things in real life with my boyfriend while also exploring online through fics. reblogging every single thing along the way. i was having my cake and eating it too and it was a fucking good time to be alive. life is so good!

of course, like any normal person, I was using my tags as a stream of consciousness. a way to get out my feelings about cal, about my boyfriend, about being a teenager, about LITERALLY EVERYTHING. Unfiltered, hormonal, teenage girl writing about the boys she likes. every. damn. night. life! is! good!

until.. all until.. my boyfriend and i were lying together in a park, under a tree, light filtering down on us as we talk and laugh and kiss - a perfect afternoon UNTIL he says there's something he has to tell me. 'what does *name of my blog* mean?'

TURNS OUT, the very first time I sent him a screenshot of something, I didn't black out my url properly and he had been SECRETLY STALKING MY BLOG FOR MONTHHHSSSS.

MONTHS

MONTHS!!!!!!

Literally just months worth of calum hood smut, so.much.smut, smut requests too!!!, soft porn gifs WITH TAGS LITERALLY EXPLICITLY ABOUT MY BOYFRIEND, countless text posts about our dates and whatever the fuck I was thinking or feeling that day, 5sos drama, EVERYTHING. EVERYTHINGGGGG. ABSOLUTELY EV ER Y THIN G

needless to say that blog was immediately scorched from the surface of the earth. and since then, I virtually haven't been on 5sos tumblr - until now. I was so mortified that I wasn't just throwing my thoughts into the void, I was literally scarred.

we're still together though lol I guess he some how liked me enough to look past the 5sos blog HAHA. he's a much stronger person than I because if the roles were reversed and he had some obsessed teenage fan blog, I think i would have gotten the ick straight away. Especially since I literally NEVER talked about 5sos with him because I was soooo embarrassed that I was obsessed with them (this was album one era guys HAHA and my boyfriend was way cooler than me in highschool). now I don't care, I play them in the shower all the time - he can deal with it hahaha

moral of the story is, idk don't tell your teenage boyfriend you have tumblr cause he will find your blog

#he showed me his blog to make me feel better #it wasnt even embarrassing #he would post his film photos on there #and some of them did really well #this was 10 years ago #before film really started having its hay day again in the main streem #he was way cooler than me #i just reblogged stories about calum hoods dick 😭#5sos #5 seconds of summer #calum hood #luke hemmings #michael clifford #ashton irwin #***almost 10 years ago

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tiffanylamps · 1 year

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8 shows to get to know me I was tagged by @b1uetrees! Thank you for tagging me, I hope you're having a brilliant day with the flowers! 🌷🌻

I actually found this kind of hard to do, 'cause there are so many shows out there and many that I love. But I think I've narrowed it down to shows that represent different parts of me or were influential to who I have become. Also, I'm assuming by "show" it means TV shows and not musicals.

1) Beyond Evil (2021) It's obvious. I'm not going to go into too much detail because a quick search on my tumblr and it becomes pretty clear what this story means to me. It's my favourite show- I think about it every day and have dedicated so many hours to it. It has changed me so profoundly and I feel like no matter how many times I view it, it still finds a way of enriching me. (Before BE, or BBE if you will, my tumblr was a pretty normal place and now, it's just a fanpage to this show lol). I'm so thankful that Netflix recommended this show to me. (for anyone who doesn't know: this is a really important, layered story that just makes any other mystery drama look silly in comparison)

2. Luther (2010) I'm sorry Shin Ha Kyun but the Korean version of Luther is rubbish in comparison. THIS SHOW! Oh my goodness, I love it so much. It was everything to me throughout my late teens and I'm super excited that there are more episodes on Netflix. Honestly, the storytelling and parallels!!! and the use of the colour red really opened my mind to how one can visually tell a story. (It may be time for a rewatch and get scared all over again).

3) Ted Lasso (2020) This is a new addition to my life. Back in 2021 when my partner wanted me to watch Ted Lasso, I outright refused because I didn't want to watch a TV show about football. BUT! But. But then the wonderful @loisroo kept hyping it up (rightfully so) and I decided to give it a go. I binged it at the beginning of this year and it was a beacon of hope during a difficult time. This story and its wonderful characters have reinforced so many life lessons that I tend to ignore. It helps me gain a better understanding of people and friendships, second chances and forgiveness, and when to ask for help. Ugh, it's beautiful and I'm so excited for season 3.

4) Merlin (2008) I mean... I've spoken about it many times so I won't go on and on. But I adore this show (yes, it's janky and awkward at times but that's part of its charm. Plus, Morgana did nothing wrong and I will always stand by that lol), it was the reason I started writing fanfiction. I- ughhhhhh. Yeah. It did a lot for me in my teens.

5) Fleabag (2016) WOMEN. WOMEN WRITERS. WOMEN WRITTEN TO BE FLAWED AND BROKEN AND WRONG BUT STILL HUMAN AND STILL LOVING AND STILL TRYING AND STILL WANTING THE BEST DEEP DOWN EVEN IF THEY DO THINGS THAT HURT THEMSELVES. "I THINK YOU KNOW HOW TO LOVE BETTER THAN ANY OF US, THAT'S WHY YOU FIND IT SO PAINFUL" "I LOVE YOU" "IT'LL PASS" just AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

6) Skins (2007) Yes, it's cringy. Yes, it's kind of embarrassing for me to add it to this list. But this show really helped me throughout my teens. It showed teenagers being messy and making mistakes, hurting one another and themselves. It showcased mental health issues, poor relationships with parents, as well as focusing heavily on sexuality. Being a queer kid from a strict religious background, this show was important. And yes, it got really silly towards the end but there are still so many fantastic moments. It's not perfect but it doesn't have to be. Plus it gave me Dev Patel, which I am forever grateful for. (If anyone's interested, my favourite characters are Tony, Cook, and Katie. I love a troublemaker).

7) Chernobyl (2019) Yeah, I probably should have put Game of Thrones in this slot but I'm still mad about it, so Chernobyl will take its place. What can I say? It's one of the best TV shows ever made (thank you Johan Renck and Craig Mazin)

8) The Last of Us (2023) Yeah, I know. I can already hear people saying it's not even fully out yet and blahblahblah. Listen, this show is a form of therapy to me and I don't care. It's my favourite thing I've seen since Beyond Evil. (I may prefer it to the games..... 👀) (I'm happy this story exists. So thank you Neil Druckmann and Craig Mazin)

(Some honourable mentions: Fruits Basket, Killing Eve, The Tribe, The Pacific, Vincenzo, Scott & Bailey, Silks, annnnnnd idk, there are loads)

Thanks again!!! 😊

no pressure tags: @l-tyrell, @ettelwenailinon, @thoresque, @evil-moonlight, @fridayvelvet, @hanjuwonsupporter, @foolishmortal

#tag game #chatty lamps #thank you <3 #idk what this selection says about me #maybe that's something a therapist could decipher lol

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magicalgirlagency · 2 years

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I'm sorry that you had to go through tough times back then... could you please elaborate? It's okay if you don't answer this ask; no one's forcing you.

It's alright, love. I'm just a bit upset at the years of double-standards.

Like, here's the thing: Girls, specially TEENAGE girls, aren't allowed to enjoy things. If they enjoy things, then that thing is automatically considered cringy.

You know like how some 2010's TV shows and boy bands/kpop groups have large female followings? They're constantly dismissed as superficial, and are reduced to ridicule and heavily stereotyped by fujoshis and Wattpad fanfiction writers (the "my mom sold me to 1D" joke has stopped being funny like five minutes ago, okay? Plus, that's slavery/sex-trade; how fucked up do you have to be to joke about a thing that still happens nowadays?!)

Meanwhile boys are allowed to say and do the most out-of-pocket shit, and never get reprimanded for it. Case In Point: The male fans of My Little Pony, the Bronies. They get a cool fan name of their own, conventions and even a fucking documentary! What do girls get? Absolutely NOTHING!

It gets even worse if you are a neurodivergent woman. And that's where my past of self-loathing comes in...

You see, back in middle school and high school, I was the weird kid. I struggled with socialization, and I rarely hung out with other teens. And I've spent most of my time drawing and fantasizing about those cool fantasy worlds...

My main interests (other than magical girls, of course) were Sonic the Hedgehog and Pokémon (nothing much has changed, lol), and this would influence heavily on my drawings, as people would often point out that the characters I've created looked like they came out of either SonicTH or Pokémon.

As much as this was just an innocent commentary, it used to fill my heart with anxiety and dread, because of the infamous and dreadful Chris Chan, as for years, he gave autistic fans everywhere a bad name (I'll spare you all of the details, but he's in jail now).

Thanks to his rancid internet legacy, I did not only hated myself for being autistic, but also for enjoying the same game franchises; and I'd close myself to the world in fear of being bullied for loving stuff. My teen years felt like an endless nightmare to me, because I did my hardest to not succumb to the fatal ordeal of being seen and known.

But nowadays, I am finally at peace with myself. Sure, the fears and anxieties still remain, but I remember that I have people to support and help me out whenever they can, and I feel more at ease than I did before. And I have this blog not only as a coping method, but also to grow and develop as a critic and as a content creator, learning the dos and don'ts of modern storytelling (and if we're being honest here, I'm doing a better job than most professionals out there...)

Take it from someone who went through this: Double standards are HURTFUL. They can do a number on your mental health, and it'll certainly take a while to detox yourself and finally be free. Most people on the 'net are fine with being cringe from what I've seen (in and out of Tumblr), and that's a relief.

But sadly, this is a thing that still plagues today's society; I remember stumbling across a TikTok video with a guy talking about how girls shouldn't enjoy shounen because "they don't understand the complexities and struggles of the MC's journey", or some bullcrap like that.

I mean, boys don't understand the complexities and struggles of magical girls, but that certainly didn't stopped them from creating Madoka Magica and traumatize the whole entire world back in the 2010's...

And funny how men say that "girls don't understand", when majority of the content creators I have met here on Tumblr that enjoy shounen are GIRLS. Not only that, but they were also BLACK as well (there's also the issue of racism/colorism within otaku/geek communities, but that's another story for another day).

And what's even funnier is that shounen is not even that great nowadays! I mean, most of the shounen characters are either dead or miserable! And that's not complex storytelling; that's just plain torture porn and shock value!

Not to mention the whinning and moaning when something doesn't cater to them, like how "The protagonist of Turning Red is a 13yo asian girl, so therefore I am unable to relate to them, because I am a MAN".

Like, bro; that's not an excuse. I am a woman, and yet I could relate to male characters, such as Miles Morales, Midoriya "Deku" Izuku and Kageyama "Mob" Shigeo.

In all honesty, if you have to rely on things such as gender for relatability factor in a media, then you're a BAD consumer of media. It's about time that you woke up and realized that the world does not revolve around you.

I've sincerely had it up to here with this double standard crap!

I want to be free! I want to be unapologetically happy and loud! I want to enjoy things and create stuff! I want to live life, like God intended!

After years of self-hatred, I absolutely won't tolerate this sexism crap any longer. Men have spoken for far too long; now, it's time for them to SHUT UP and LISTEN.

Cringe Culture is fucking dead, red pandas murdered it in cold blood.

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snowgoldwaylon · 3 years

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1, 30, 31

Yay Smokey!!! Welcome back. Here is a picture of my Chevelle for something extra!

1- How long ago did you start reading fanfiction? Writing fanfiction? I first started reading in 2010. This is when Black Ops came out. The reason why I started playing is because my older brother let me play the campaign to it on his xbox 360, and I fell in love with some characters. My first ever fanfiction was a Frank Woods fic, can't remember the title for the life of me but it was damn good. But what made me start writing was my aunt. My aunt is an author, she wrote her own book in 2011, and it inspired me to write a whole book about Frank. It was on my Wattpad but I hid it bc its cringy. Younger me was a whole different breed, I think I wrote it in Korean honestly. 🤔

30- Post a snippet from your current WIP without context - no more than 300 words. Okay, but I think this gonna drive you guys nuts!

31- Of the characters you write for, which is your favorite? Has that choice been swayed at all by your readers/followers reactions to certain ones? I'm going to say not really. My favorite character, and I know how basic it sounds is Woods. I've always had a special place in my heart for Franky boi. But a lot of my readers/followers like Adler and Naga.

Thank you for sending these in. ❤❤

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pinkled5 · 3 years

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A 7 Year Introspective Journey in Writing, or, The End of the Beginning

I've always enjoyed writing, whether it was for school, work, or just to entertain myself. It's always been an activity that came naturally to me. I'd even tried to write a novel a couple of times, but failed to stick with it for various reasons (spoiler: it's really hard).

So, in the early 2010s when someone introduced me to fanfiction, it was an easy sell to convince me to write a fanfiction novel. Of course, I thought my writing was oh so good. But here's the thing with most aspiring writers...we can't smell our own $#!+. I certainly couldn't. I even started an audio recording of my story and listened to it on a long car ride, patting myself on the back for how wonderful it was. That was all well and good until I discovered how much I didn't know I didn't know.

In the Dunning-Kruger hospital I was patient zero. My eyes were opened though, I had seen the light, and I was devastated to learn that my writing wasn't good, it was actually garbage. Bless those fanfiction readers though, who have such a high tolerance for bad writing and can ignore poor prose to enjoy a good story. I, on the other hand, could not overlook my newly discovered shortcomings.

After I got over the initial shock of my failures, I was determined to improve and get better. I spent the next 5 years rewriting my fanfiction novel, and even after I finished the rewrites I was still learning about things I should have done differently. Nevertheless, I finally published my finished product.

As much as I love fanfic readers, I thought their praise wouldn't be a reliable indicator if I had achieved my goal. After all, most have a high tolerance for bad writing or aren't sure how to recognize it most of the time. Same with my dear old beloved mother, who would love anything I wrote.

So it came down to my father. He'd never seen my story until now. He's been an avid reader all his life but has never read any fanfiction. He's also not one to blow smoke up my @$$. This is the man that criticized his teenage son's poetry, after I'd worked up the courage to share some with him. He was correct, of course, my poetry was garbage, but at the time I was crushed. That's not important, though. The point is, he'd recognize bad writing and he'd tell me if it wasn't up to snuff.

After giving him a copy of the book I asked him to share his thoughts with me as he read. He didn't. Weeks went by, and I didn't hear a thing. I was sure he'd stopped reading, that the writing wasn't good enough, that I hadn't achieved the level of quality I had sought to reach.

I finally called him a few days ago. I had to know, even while preparing myself for the bad news. Much to my surprise, he hadn't stopped reading. In fact, he was halfway through the book. After discussing the plot elements for a bit, I popped the big question, the question I had struggled through years of learning and writing to finally get to ask. "So, how's the writing? Is it cringy or difficult to get through?"

I held my breath and awaited his answer. To my surprise, he said that while he's reading he can't believe that I'm the one who wrote it, because it reads like it was written by a professional author. In fact, he was so impressed with one particular passage he had my stepmom read it.

The mental image of my father handing my book to my stepmother and saying "You have to read this, I can't believe how good it is," put me on one of the highest high's I've had since starting this project 7 years ago.

So, yes, I think I can say I did it. I did what I set out to do, and I'm damn proud of what I accomplished.

Thank you for reading. Sorry for rambling, but I just had to share.

#frozen #fanfiction #writing

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origami-teacup · 4 years

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my grayza story (and a love letter to the creators of the grayza fanzine)

High on coffee, bleary-eyed, I had been in the middle of studying for my college finals last night when I casually reached over for my phone, just to check my notifications, and instantly got hit in the face with this: “[PDF] GrayZa Zine”

(Warning: long and emotional rant down below.)

My heart jumped in my mouth, my palms began to sweat, and with a slightly shaky thumb, I pressed on the notification. Now, you may find this to be a bit of an overreaction, but listen- I have been in the Fairy Tail fandom since 2010, and I left the fandom about 7 years ago (wow I feel old), not bothering to continue reading the manga after 400-ish chapters since I quickly realized what a clusterfuck the whole series had become and how OOC my faves were becoming (coughgraycough). Fairy Tail was the first anime I got seriously hooked on (besides Maid Sama). It started my weeb phase.

It also happens to be the anime that slam-dunked me into shipping hell.

Grayza is the name of that particular hell.

I remember when I first fell in love with Grayza: it was during the Phantom Lord arc, when Erza rested her head on Gray’s chest (you all know what I’m talking about). And then Tower of Heaven happened, as well as Gray’s “I’m taking Erza back! She belongs with Fairy Tail!”. I was a wee lass, and my feelings for this ship were intense. I didn't even know that shipping as a concept existed back then, but I was doing it already- I drew tons and tons of fanart; I babbled to my brother about how beautiful their chemistry was, until he became sick and couldn't stand me anymore; boxes upon boxes of fanart are still piled high in my room, tucked away in a corner. Now that I look at them, they’re cringy, childish, silly, cheesy comics and much much more, but it was all a labor of love.

Then, I stumbled upon this marvellous site called FanFiction.net. This is where I read my first Grayza fanfic. It was Warm Ice Melting Armour -one of my favorite Grayza fanfics even to this day- by the talented Irrevocable SaaSha. To this day, the first paragraph of that fic is branded in my mind: “She was curled up on the couch like a cat in front of the fireplace, the firelight reflected like liquid honey in her golden brown eyes, red hair spread out around her, like she was lying on a bed of scarlet fire. She was beautiful.”

I was in awe of the writing, starstruck even. I thought it was the most beautiful description I’d ever read. I still think so, even to this day.

And that’s when I decided- I wanted to write like that too.

So Grayza got me into reading and writing fanfiction. And reading and writing in general. English is not my first language, so I struggled. But it was a happy struggle, an endeavour I did not mind making. My first and second Grayza fics were totally abominable, but I was just a kid, eagerly playing around with these two dorks on paper with not a care in the world. I would lie awake in bed in the wee hours of the night, flashlight in one hand and a pen in the other, furiously scribbling away on a tiny notebook, and when I ran out of pages but felt too lazy to get out of bed, I would just write over my doodles.

It was a good time.

Again, my fics were totally shit (so much so that I deleted them many years ago out of embarrassment- a decision which I now regret; I wish I’d kept them up, for nostalgia’s sake), but everyone who reviewed was kind, friendly, encouraging. I talked to other writers, who were a thousand times more talented than little ol’ me but still so cheerful and humble. I badgered them by sending them PM’s asking for writing tips; I sent the daily readers of my fics little sneak peeks of the future chapters in their inboxes; I joined roleplay forums (always choosing Erza). Every once in a while a reader would PM me to tell me how much they loved my fic, how certain chapters made them laugh out loud, and that would melt my heart.

I received my first hate comment from a Gruvia shipper, and I relished it.

So basically, Grayza introduced me to fandom.

I loved this ship with every fibre of my being. I still do. It’s my first OTP.

Then Mashima fucked everything up.

Juvia and Jellal got introduced. Gray and Erza’s interactions began to dwindle. I never hoped for my ship to be canon, but Mashima even forgot about their friendship, and that hurt. A lot. I actually like Jellal, and even ship Jerza on the side (just not as passionately as Grayza), but Juvia I did not like at all. I couldn't fathom why the majority of the fandom would ship Gray with her. It baffles me to this day.

And then it became canon.

Well, as canon as Mashima can make a ship, that is. By the time the last chapter came out, I was over Fairy Tail. I had moved on to better things, better media. But being the masochist I am, I still read the chapter (spoiler alert: it was shit). To calm myself and soothe my wounded heart, I went over to FanFiction.net -now a barren wasteland with old fics lazily drifting like tumbleweed and only a small number of new fics trying to emerge through the cracks in the ground- and read an old favorite of mine.

It was like a soothing pick-me up after a harrowing day. But it was also a little sad, because all of my favorite authors, people I considered mentors and friends, had moved on. Have moved on. It felt like the Grayza fandom had kind of gradually, slowly, silently sputtered, coughed, and died, and I was one of the small numbers of people witnessing it.

Then, the announcement for the Grayza Fanzine came. I was excited, feeling a little bittersweet, as this would be the beautiful, heartfelt sendoff this ship of dreams would deserve. I desperately wanted to contribute, but my midterms were coming up, and I was busy with my studies, so there was no way I could churn out a fic with that mindset. So I mentally wished everyone contributing to the zine luck, and moved on, anticipating for the day I would get that notification on my phone.

And then I got it.

I actually cried while I went through the zine. The fics, from what I’ve read so far, are all heartfelt and beautiful and managed to hit me in parts of my heart and soul that I thought I’d buried and mourned a long long time ago. The fanarts are all breathtaking. And the layout! I lovelovelove the overlapping blue and red stars scattered over the pages, the snowflakes!

In the middle of the night, standing next to the kitchen (because that’s the only place where I could charge my phone at the time), with tears in my eyes, I felt like I was holding a gem in my hands. A treasure. And it is.

I couldn’t study after that. My anxieties about college and university had washed away: I felt like a kid again, in love with this ship all over again. For the next two hours, I thumbed through the PDF, marvelling at this labor of love, my heart raw and aching in all the right ways.

So thank you, everyone at @grayza-fanzine who made this zine possible. Every artist, every writer, everyone. I might not know any of you, but you all share my love for this wonderful, painful, glorious ship, and I think that is enough.

Thank you so, so much.

#grayza #gray x erza #gray fullbuster x erza scarlet #grayza fanzine #personal #otp #thank you so much everyone

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forestwater87 · 4 years

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201X in Review: A journey of cringe and regrets

Realizing 2020 is really close and wanted to look back at the second (full) decade I’ve actually been alive for. I feel like either a huge amount of stuff has happened, or basically nothing’s happened, but there’s no middle ground.

2010:

Cringy 2010 photo: High school prom (in middle, dark green dress and...a face)

Junior in high school.

Had my first-ever Real Boyfriend(TM). (Pictured in above cringy photo.)

Had just ended an extremely toxic 12-year relationship and was still figuring out how to have friends.

Chemistry fucking SUUUUUCKED and I don’t miss it.

Had a super intense love for Megamind. I saw it minimum of 4 times in theaters and had a major crush on that blue lil nerd. (Began a personal grudge against both Tangled and Despicable Me for taking away its deserved spotlight, a resentment I have not yet gotten past 10 years later.)

Most regrettable 2010 memory: Getting way too intense about a new boyfriend and lowkey abandoning my friends. Not cool.

Most awesome 2010 memory: I have friends from back then I still love and keep in touch with (despite my abandoning them for a bit there). That’s pretty dang awesome.

2011:

Cringy 2011 photo: High school graduation with one of the most beautiful women in existence. (We’re still friends, and she’s still gorgeous.)

Graduated high school! (Gym fucking SUUUUUCKED and I don’t miss it.)

Fell in love with the college that was supposed to be a “safety school” and didn’t apply anywhere else, which means I can brag about having been accepted into 100% of the colleges I applied to.

Started at Ithaca College -- don’t say “it’s gorges,” it gets so old so fast -- and had a miserable first semester and an incredible second.

Started getting . . . uncomfortably involved in religious groups. (I mean, I’d been doing that since I was a kid, but it got kicked up to 11 in college.)

Most regrettable 2011 memory: Dressed as a “g***y” for Halloween. Fucking yikes.

Most awesome 2011 memory: Figuring out what I want to be when I grow up.

2012:

Cringy 2012 photo: Modeling first successfully completed knitting project. With bamboo needles because Ithaca is a hippie paradise.

Learned how to knit, entirely out of boredom in long lectures.

Technically started my tumblr experience, though it was only for a few months while I worked through some Shit by being in love with Loki from the Avengers (and THiddleston in general). Stayed on here just long enough to discover Achievement Hunter and Rooster Teeth, and never went back.

Broke up with first-ever Real Boyfriend(TM) and handled it so well I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety disorder.

Got very deep in a religious group at IC, which was . . . not very healthy and could perhaps not inaccurately be described as “cultlike.” (I owe a major apology to everyone who knew me back then; I was very much a major bitch.)

Despite the previous two bullet points, this was the best year of my life up until that point. I lived next door to my two best friends in college, loved my major, and pretty much was confident that I had everything figured out.

Most regrettable 2012 memory: Writing a fan letter to Tom Hiddleston, which included a photo of me and my phone number. I was convinced my charm and wit would totally make him fall in love with me.

Most awesome 2012 memory: Pretty sure this is the year my love affair with RiffTrax began, too. I had a posse and we’d go see live shows together.

2013-2014:

Cringy 2013 photo: A blanket that I made and sent to Jennamarlbes for her dogs, because it was too small for people. Pretty sure it showed up in a video at one point.

Cringy 2014 photo: My awesome college roommates and I dressed up to give out candy to people’s dorms on Halloween. Reverse trick-or-treating: very fun, always recommended.

HA. So much for having anything figured out.

I don’t actually remember much of this period in my life, because I was navel-deep in a major religious crisis that would continue until . . . a couple months ago, basically? There was a lot of freaking out and trying to reconcile culty fundamentalism with the freewheeling pinko that lived deep inside and was trying to break free.

Lots of therapy, though. And med adjustments. Eventually figured out something that worked. Free campus counseling was the bomb though.

I do remember living in an apartment and cooking for myself for the first time, and also playing a lot of tabletop games with my roommates. (Also drinking. Lots of drinking.)

Oh shit, was this when I started that Drunk Librarian blog? I was trying really hard to be The Nostalgia Critic for books (ew), but I remember having a lot of fun with that. That was when my lifelong vendetta against John Green began.

Most regrettable 2013-2014 memory: Did I mention that the blanket I sent to Jenna included a letter? Did I mention that letter included some bible verses I thought she would appreciate????

Most awesome 2013-14 memory: Started a knitting club. It was just like 4 people hanging out and not knitting.

2015:

Cringy 2015 photo: Me being emaciated, makeup-smeared, and proudly showing off a collarbone piercing. That piercing has since rejected, but was in fact cute af.

Graduated college! Summa cum laude, bitches. (And an unfinished minor because I didn’t feel like taking the one (1) class I needed to graduate.)

Started library school and moved back home with parents. That was . . . an adjustment.

Changed library school “majors” halfway through my first year, after a lot of soul searching and panic attacks.

Had a short but catastrophic relationship with a man 9 years older than me (who was my pastor. Awkward). Religious crisis continued.

Got really skinny and hot because I was too miserable to eat. Dyed my hair red for the first time and looked basically like Ariel.

Discovered Party Hard and got really good at killing people.

Remembered how much I fucking love my parents’ dog:

Most regrettable 2015 memory: Being that person who “thought I could change him.”

Most awesome 2015 memory: Did you see how cute that dog is? His name is Oscar, after Oscar the Grouch.

2016:

Cringy 2016 photo: I had this huge thing for 1950s dresses for a while, complete with petticoats.

Grad school continued.

Religious crisis continued.

Therapy happens to deal with Things, is quickly dropped due to money and lack of shrink-chemistry.

Discovered a dumb little web cartoon with a teensy fanbase and no love for my favorite ship. Began work on a fanfic to correct this.

Finished a long-form fanfic for the first time in my entire life.

Virtually abandoned every other fandom to hyperfixate on this for the rest of my life.

Got super political, then super depressed. Quit Facebook because I realized I hate everyone I’m FB friends with.

Discovered Stardew Valley and never got anything done ever again.

Found Tumblr again (needed it to keep in touch with my first-ever beta reader, @raenbowsofficial) and turned into fandom and politics trash.

Most regrettable 2016 memory: Man, was I cocky about that Hillary Clinton winning the election. Oops.

Most awesome 2016 memory: I mean, CAMP CAMP. Obviously.

2017:

Cringy 2017 photo: My first day of work as a very bisexual-in-denial librarian.

Finished grad school and became a certified librarian (in NYS anyway)!

Got a job at a local college, including my own office!

Shaved half my head!

Moved into my own apartment and adopted a cat, fulfilling a goal over 7 years in the making!

Became friends with two of the most important people I’ve ever met. Visited one of them on a semi-impromptu 9-hour drive to Virginia and met IRL for the first time. First ever all-night solo trip, one of the best days of my life.

This might’ve been the year I got the VFD eye tattooed on my ankle, though I can’t swear to that.

Was part of my first long-form tabletop RPG with friends from college (and friends-of-friends). Was very emotional and also quite gay.

Rediscovered Megamind thanks to excellent fanfiction. That shit is still great.

Currently the best year I’ve ever had.

Most regrettable 2017 memory: I should’ve attended my graduation from library school instead of deciding it didn’t matter. It mattered a lot.

Most awesome 2017 memory: Seeing the-artist-formerly-known-as-ciphernetics in person.

2018:

Cringy 2018 photo: Um, apparently we don’t get one, because there’s an image limit to these posts. Lame.

Was laid off and took 6 months to find another full-time job. Spent most of that time depression-napping.

Said full-time job lasted 4 months before I ran like my shoes were on fire, because it was morally . . . suspicious and left me borderline suicidal.

Got very fat because I was too miserable to stop eating.

Had to cut my hair so I would look “professional.” Looked like my ex-boyfriend. My mom said I “looked like a Trump supporter.” To-date the meanest thing anyone’s ever said to me.

Moved back in with my parents due to not-having-job-ness (got to bring the cat, though).

Lost parents’ health insurance and had to pay for my own. Discovered health insurance is ridiculously expensive.

Became super left-leaning thanks to the power of Tumblr and Youtube (and possibly that super expensive health insurance thing).

Writing came to a virtual standstill, though I managed to organize and actually finish participating in all of Gwenvid Week (for the first time).

Two weeks after quitting the job from hell and three weeks after moving back in with the parents, I was offered my old position back. Accepted. Was once again a college librarian.

Most regrettable 2018 memory: Knowing I didn’t want the nightmare job and accepting it anyway. Might’ve been the only choice, but it caused a lot of unhappiness.

Most awesome 2018 memory: The day I was laid off, I hopped on a plane and went to fucking Disney World. Because why not?

2019:

Started work again. Finally (mostly) stopped having panic attacks about being fired/laid off out of the middle of nowhere around 8 months into new job.

Fewer paper cuts than expected.

Accidentally became associated with dinosaurs at work, despite not having any sort of special affinity for dinosaurs.

Did develop a deep and abiding affinity for octopus. Also elephants.

Took cat to doctor. Cat didn’t enjoy doctor. Cat is now 8 lbs. and 14 oz. She is big girl.

Rediscovered the joy of reading again. Newly discovered that mysteries actually can be pretty awesome, and read barely anything else all year. (Personal recommendations: The 7 1/2 Deaths of Evelyn Hardcastle by Stuart Turton and Waisted by Randy Susan Meyers.)

So. Many. Youtube. Video. Essays.

Discovered Stardew Valley mods and eventually broke 3k hours of playtime.

Napped frequently. Panicked less frequently. It’s a step in the right direction.

Most regrettable 2019 memory: This post sure is long and over-share-y, isn’t it? Didn’t even include a cut so you could more easily scroll past my face. Inconsiderate, is what that is.

Most awesome 2019 memory: This one is pretty good. Right now.

2020:

???

Profit.

#all right the 2010s were weird #random forest ramblings about my life i guess #here you go

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grumpy-old-fandommom · 5 years

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So I saw a post on your blog about the "fanfic snark fad". What was that? I eat up fandom history, so please go into detail if u want.

Absolutely! Thanks for this ask, as I too enjoy fandom history :)

Back when fanfiction was just making it's way online, it was seen as extremely bad form to criticise or critique fanfic. It still is, but it's not something that could get the whole of fandom to turn against you for doing it as it used to be when much of fannish activity was still done face-to-face.

But the internet in the late 90s lent itself to a lot of anonymity and this the first and most well known of the fanfic snark sites Godawful Fanfiction (shorted to GAFF) was born, on the day FFN was launched no less. Originally, it was meant to be close door snark on Trek fic before it opened up to more fandoms, but after a number of years, it became a fairly toxic environment that was more about trolling and flaming both writers and one another,--easily the worst section of fandom I'd seen before VLD.

But during the 2000s and even into the early 2010s, a number of people did this type of thing of ripping on fics for bad writing, poor characterisation or absolutely crazy ridiculous concepts. Whilst eventually places like GAFF began to go after more seeming innocent stuff like OCs, it did began as a way to have some innocent fun and vent about things without harassing the author.

But as you could tell by the original comment, I missed out on all of that and got into it at the tail end of the trend, decided it wasnt for me after a while when I spent more time worrying about setting off wank for not being interesting enough and what have you.

Theres still one offshoot of the original GAFF board if you want an idea of what it was about. I linked to the Golden Oldies part of the board, as those have more discussion on the oft-snarked fics such as Cupcakes and the one that introduced me to the site, Agony in Pink.

But honestly even if the constant drama and in-fighting didnt kill the board, people are more desensitized by much of the things in fanfiction today. We all now have cringy fics in our past and likely have been flamed over it. Theres also more online support for those who used the critiquing part of the community to improve their writing in a more constructive environment.

It has it place in fandom history, but I'm glad it's a trend that's mostly dead. I get far more enjoyment discussing what I love than tearing down what I dont like, even for lulz.

#fandom history #archive classic #godawful fanfiction #gaff #vintage fandom #fanfiction #fanfic history

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paradoxkinspace · 2 years

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Hi Mod Clownbae! Sorry I completely forgot that maybe explaining who I was would be important, eheheh..

Okay so, I’m Dirk Egbert, Heir of Heart I think? I’m autistic and I live with my Bro in a small apartment(? split rent house? er something like that.) And Bro is the best bro in the entirety of ever and I have to stop talking about him now or I will start rambling. I’m really REALLY into late 2000s early 2010s internet culture, think early flipnote, YTPs, AMVs, rainbow tylenol remixes, MLP, cringy furry ocs, all that fun stuff. I also love history, robotics, and mythology. Hal is my greatest creation, but he is also a dipshit. Oh, and cool swords and puppets, though I don’t talk about the puppet thing much because everyone thinks Lil Cal is creepy but he’s really not! You guys are just mean. And I hate sweet foods. They make me feel gross and I gotta throw it up so I don’t feel like shit.

My friends called me really clingy and honestly I probably was kinda annoying like 87% of the time, maybe a little controlling too? I just don’t like to feel left out of things, even if those things are my friends DMs with each other, haha. But they also said I was really nice sometimes so it cancels out. Jake was my favorite person ever and I’d talk to him for HOURS and would always have my phone with me so I’d never miss any of his messages. Roxy was really funny too and she was like a sister to me kinda, but talking to her kinda stressed me out sometimes because I didn’t wanna look like a total dweeb in front of her, same with Jane. Jane was great too, she’d let me ramble about my MLP fanfiction and would read it sometimes, it’s really fun to have someone read your fics. I always really really want the feedback every time I’d write something or it doesn’t feel worth it.

Sorry if this isn’t much, I have a hard type talking about myself in a neutral way, and also reading yourself is just really really hard. \></

0-> Thank you for all the info! I'll have my best guesses/divination out for you in just a moment.

🃏

#mod clownbae #txt n talk

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somebody-in-this-world-who-lives · 3 years

Text

"Oh, is cringe-" I'm going to stop you right there.

I'm a anxious queer teen girl obsessed with romance that likes anime, is both a theater and a choir kid and loves emo music and 2000-2010's pop. My favorite movie is Pride and Prejudice and I like YA novels. I love gaming but I'm only good at Wii and choices games. I'm in fandons and I have writen fanfiction. I can't handle spicy food and love academics because I am a huge nerd with a passion for philosophy.

The point is: do you THINK I fucking CARE if something is cringe?? I live a boring cringy life and I'm not gonna apologize.

#personal #my friend saying I wouldn't like The Prom because is cringe #like ???#We have watched New Moon together #Both of us learned the whole opening to Beauty and the Beast and sang it to our other friends till they hated us #I'm imune to being cringed at #This whole post is cringe and I'm going to post It anyway #See you guys later gotta watch some Doramas

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carbonargonlithium · 7 years

Text

The short version of this story is: There are pros and cons of saving everything.

If I had never gotten rid of my laptop(s), I wouldn't be writing this, not now, anyway. Probably eventually these words would have ended up in my head but not today, when there are definitely more productive things I could be doing. (should be doing….)

The problem started a few years ago, somewhere around 2013-ish, when I got a new laptop the first time: I saved everything; every file, every picture, it all got saved, and therefore moved to the next laptop. Which means that through the years I've ended up with an archive of who I was, what I've done and a million pieces of writing. Okay maybe not a million. I probably have more academic papers on my computer or in my google drive than I do pieces of my own writing, but it feels like a lot.

To adequately explain why I have so many pieces of original writing, I have to go back even further. I could go way back, like, 2005 “The Faerie Story” far back, but I’ll spare you that much detail. I’ve been writing for a long time. Or, more accurately, I wrote for a long portion of my life. I….don’t anymore. We’ll get to that.

Moving to Florida in 2010, I joined Tumblr. It was this community of crazies, creatives, and creations that I found a home in amongst a fierce internal struggle of who I was. I have blogs that go back to 2010 and they’re cringy to say the least. But I’m glad I have them for one very poignant reason: they’re proof that things happened.

See, moving from Michigan to Florida at the ripe age of 16 wasn’t easy, and it’s probably the most influential single event (if I can reduce it to that) in my entire life. It changed the entire course of my life. And, for the most part, I’m not mad about it. I wouldn’t be sitting here, at my desk in Pittsburgh (where I should definitely be reading scientific papers and writing a materials and methods section) surrounded by pictures of my love, my family, and friends, were it not for that move. It was a huge positive force for the most part, except when it wasn’t.

I suffered for years with some pretty severe depression after the move. I didn’t suffer loudly, no one really knew that I was depressed, except maybe some very perceptive online friends, because I didn’t really know that I was depressed until I looked back on it years later. But the reason I’m thankful for the blog, the pictures, the writings, is because I don’t have memories from that part of my life. Depression suppresses your brains capacity to form memories, so for the most part, after we moved to Florida, unless the memories are particularly strong (IE: When my family surprised my brother and (maybe mom?) I with flying my dad up to MI for Christmas, on Christmas day) It’s kind of just blank. I have emotional memories, and connections to things, but there are literal gaps in the story for me, and the tumblr I had back then helps to fill that gap.

I’m trying not to be long winded, but I’m awful at that. Basically, it took me a long time (probably until 2015) to figure out who I was again. And I’m not mad at the person I’ve become. I’ve got really fantastic people in my life, I’m lucky enough to have Joe, and I’m technically pursuing my dream, although not the version of it I could ever have expected. What this all results in is a disconnect from the person who wrote those documents, or who made those blog posts. It’s eerie, actually, looking back.

Today I went down a rabbit hole. Way back to 2012, and I read a post that resonated within me and there was a pit in my stomach. It was about a person, whom I only ever knew by their first name. But without even doubting myself, I knew that the post, which was an emotional one-line passive aggressive masterpiece, was about this person. And the emotions are so strong that almost 5 years later I can still feel how much it affected me in that moment, despite having no actual recollection of making the post or the situation around it. (Ironically enough, I actually also confirmed using the time-frame. I failed a singular Gen Chem 1 honors test in my first semester, and pretty much believe it caused me to get a B+ in that class, and it was the result of a fight with this person)

There’s a part of me that thinks I should just delete it all, the blog, the writings (most of it awful fanfiction) and never have to remember this again, but at the same time, if I do that, I’m just going to lose that part of me. And every decision I’ve made before has put me in this place, at this time, writing this silly post that I’m going to make public and people are going to read and see my crazy. So maybe, instead of running away from it, it’s time for me to try it again. Maybe if I keep this blog, in a little more organized and professional way, I’ll be able to keep track of this time in my life, and in 20 or 30 years when I’ve forgotten this section of my life, I can go back to it, and remember.

There are good and bad things, but ultimately, it’s all about how you choose to let them affect you. I’m done running from my past. I was who I was, I said what I said, and I can’t change any of it. All I can do is move forward. So welcome, to my new blog. I’m not sure what I’m going to do with it: maybe I’ll make posts about getting through college or about how tough grad school can be, or love or family or life. Whatever it is, at least in the future, I might be able to find it again, and remember.

#01 #20170816 #welcome

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