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mugentakeda · 2 months

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Do you have any fic recs similar to your take on iroh? Treating him as an actual character with some fucked up issues is SO much more fun!! I love him and I am chewing on your art

YES!!!!!!!! everytime i post about shithead iroh moments i get nervous someones gonna think i dont like him or im anti iroh or whatever but i genuinely honest to god think his less than savory past and personality traits ON TOP of the things about him that make him so beloved by the fandom makes him better. like yeah i love all parent characters that are just big softies but big softie parents that also are kinda (very much ) fucked up are even better. to ME. and i dont usually judge how good characters are on the basis of how good of a parent they are which is oddly something that a Lot of people do but. U wont find any of that on this blog which is also why i loveeeee ursa.

BUT I DIGRESS! here is my absolute favorite. its unfinished but what is there is still very loaded. digs in deep to iroh. gets pretty nitty gritty with it too. it changed how i see iroh and specifically season 1 iroh. it balances his b1 behavior with his later revealed status as a grand lotus MASTERFULLY, and puts his manipulative and cunning side on full display. might even make you mad at him a little bit

this one is less of a take on iroh as like. a general and a grand lotus and the war side of him and more of him as a father. its short and sad and i adore all of this authors fics involving iroh. it still shines a good light on the consequences of irohs own actions though because lu ten dying was literally his fault. the selfishness and the manic desperation that bleeds through this monologue is kind of scary but also is tragically beautiful.

ALSO these specific parts near the end of salvage were REALLY good. i feel like iroh is definitely the kind of guy that does a whole lot of backhanded comments as a way of patronizing without probably even realizing he does it?? i think a lot of people forget that what makes iroh being “changed” different from zuko is that zuko is still a child, and iroh is like. in his fifties or something. a whole LIFETIME of probably doing everything zuko did pre-redemption but far worse, and plenty times over. take how young azula is when ozai let her loose into the world into account. take the fact that iroh was already a general by the time he was sieging bss into account. im not gonna compare and contrast crimes here but i am trying to put weight onto how long iroh has been in the game. nasty shit like this is bound to still creep in the shadows of irohs mind and will definitely slip out sometimes.

and i know i keep bringing up that one unfinished super gnarly au fic that features azulon putting zuko into irohs care following irohs return to ba sing se (after ozai disgraced himself in requesting azulon give ozai the throne since iroh lost his only heir). hopefully one day ill find it because i hate to think the author deleted it or whatever . but out of all the fics that dig into irohs crimes id say this one does it the deepest while also SOMEHOW managing to make iroh sympathetic just by how sheerly pathetic and miserable he is the whole time. ONE DAY THOUGH. i pray that i will find it. because i have like over 200 pages of history on ao3 and i cant remember when exactly i read the fic so . searching for it has been kind of difficult but if i find it trust i will post it lol

#i know this isnt much but for some reason depicting iroh like this is kinda. Uncommon.#WHICH STINKS but whatever.#asks

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mamuzzy-creates-stuff · 3 months

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"Go and raise hell" - Alpha-17 to Deadshot on his ARC graduation The ARC Trooper with armor clean as if he was a shiny, but his face is weary from battle scars, wrinkles screaming about years of experience, and there was certain sadness in his eyes only those had who faced the horrors of war before… only Deadshot didn't remember any of it. All he needed to know that he suffered amnesia due to an explosion and no one came for him after his rehabilitation. That's how he ended up the 501st after Alpha-17's ARC training program. All Deadshot knew that whatever the fucking galaxy is about throw at him, he will ENDURE. ENDURE. ENDURE. It's his mantra, sometimes whispered in his dreams, whispered when injured, whispered when Rex avert his eyes. Be strong and endure because if you fall behind once again, no one will be there to help you get on your feet. Endure and survive.

He is my everything. My precious babyboy. My miserable meowmeow. My emotional punchbag. If you have questions about this pretty little blorbo, don't hesitate to ask! He will try to answer as best as he can...

MASTERLIST TO DEADSHOT RELATED POSTS

「501 shenanigans」 [ART]

「Deadshot gets the love he deserves」 [ART]

03/08/2023 | OC: Deadshot | Sketchbook | He is a miserable blushy mess |

「Comfort a character: Deadshot」 [ART]

「Shattered」 [ART]

「Fives x Shots」 [ART]

CLONESHIP 23/10/2023 | OC: Deadshot, ARC Trooper Fives | They are in love, you honour |

「Mlem.」 [COMIC]

09/11/2023| OC: Deadshot, Clone Trooper Hardcase, Clone Trooper Tup, Clone Trooper Dogma, ARC Trooper Fives, ARC Trooper Jesse | Torrent barrack shenanigans | Boys being boys | Hardcase is a kind of friend who randomly licks your face |

「Stargazing」 [ART]

12/11/2023| OC: Deadshot | Deadshot loves watching the stars | Space art thingy |

「I've got a birthday gift from Corey!」 [ART]

「The captain isn’t entirely satisfied with the new ARC trooper」 [Comic]

「Deadshot has one of those days」 [ART]

12/12/2023| OC: Deadshot, Clone Trooper Tup | Sketchbook | Breaking down in 3…2…1… |

「Bruiser isn’t entirely satisfied with the 501st new ARC trooper either」 [ART] + Part 2 [ART]

「Deadshot has one of those days」 [ART]

12/12/2023| OC: Deadshot, Clone Trooper Tup | Sketchbook | Breaking down in 3…2…1… |

Skrunkly Shots[ART]

Skrunkle trooper!shots made by nuclearteabag |OC: Deadshot | Gift for me <3 |

「Deadshot has one of those days again」 [ART]

05/01/2024| OC: Deadshot | Character reacts to post | ith, you managed to get him feel something :DD |

「Deadshot has one of those days yet again」 [ART]

16/01/2024|OC: Deadshot | Deadshot has one of those days but this time he is pretty

「Deadshot reacts to Fives portrait」 [ART]

Fives x Deadshot (OC) CLONESHIP 16/01/2024 | Arc Trooper Fives, OC: Deadshot | Fives exists and Shots is melting |

#original clone character: deadshot #original clone character: kissar #arc trooper fives #captain rex #clone trooper tup #cloneship #fivesshots #clone trooper hardcase #clone trooper dogma #arc trooper echo

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recurring-polynya · 6 months

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Writing/Art Update 10.31.2023

Sorry this is a little late, I was trying to get something done yesterday and then I got overtaken by Halloween Festivities and didn't get a chance to post it, but this update is as of 10/31.

This week was pretty slow to get going--as per last week's update, I really didn't know how to get started with Chapter 3. I had to sort of think about it for a few days, during which time no writing-writing took place, but I did eventually get it figured out, and now I have a pretty solid outline for Chapters 3 and 4. I was able to get about halfway through Chapter 3, which involved writing one new flashback (which I had a false start on, but the second try came out good) and reworking two present-time scenes, one which needed a lot of work, and one which needed just a little (mostly deletions).

This week's wordcount: 23,299 (+5,439), with about 2,387 of new content.

I am very close to having more in my "clean, contiguous" version than in my "old pile of crap" version (24,245), and that ought to happen this week. My goal for this week is to finish Chapter 3, which two flashbacks (one of which is half-written) and one new real-time scene.

I've been having really mixed feelings on my progress. On one hand, half a chapter per week is proving to be pretty doable, and I'm able to see real progress every week, and it's giving me a nice amount of "I wrote!" satisfaction. On the other hand, if, as I projected last week, this story goes to 10 chapters, that means it will take me 15 weeks, which feels like forever. On the other hand, that will mean it took me almost exactly two years to write, all-told (including time I wasn't actually working on it). Maybe I should just be grateful if I can actually get it done in 15 weeks.

I made a joke about it being November and trying to hype myself up to NaNoWriMo-style push my way through this thing, but that's actually a really bad idea. I still think about that "writing is just behavior" post every single day of my life. You only get to write each story once, and I think it's important to take my time and enjoy the story I'm in, right now. Also, we're getting into the busiest and most miserable time of year for me right now, and I think it's extremely important to keep writing as a treat I get to do, not an arbitrary word count obligation that I made up to torture myself with.

On a final note, I'm in one of those weird brain-places that I get sometimes where I really have not looked back over any of the stuff I've finished. My usual writing state is to enjoy re-reading the stuff that I've read, but right now, it's all "Don't look back! Forward only!" I do think this is good, because I know this will pass eventually and there will certainly be time to edit, later, but I am also really worried that everything I have written is going to be absolutely horrible when I go back to it later. (In general, I'm usually pleasantly surprised to find writing I haven't looked at in a while to be better than I remembered, but it's not guaranteed, you know?)

(no art this week)

#writing update #art update

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nyarlathotep-thecrawlingchaos · 7 months

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So imposter syndrome is a thing and I need to give myself a pep talk. Like. Now.

And if anyone else is dealing with it needs one, then I'm sharing it. This is pretty personal, but I don't like the thought of anyone dealing with this because I know how utterly miserable it is, and absolutely no one deserves it.

So I just want to take a minute (or an hour, or several) to talk about this because I realized during the past decade (or longer), when I wasn't letting anyone read any of my writing whatsoever, that imposter syndrome is a lying fucking thundercunt, and that it hurts so many creators, and that it shouldn't be allowed to exist at all.

I got burned out constantly when I was publishing on fanfiction.net back in the day, and another site I can't remember the name of for original work that doesn't exist anymore.

Would get stuck in a rut on everything I wrote and never finish anything.

Good or bad feedback, didn't matter. It always devolved into, "This is shit, and I am shit, and I shouldn't be shoveling this shit to other people," and I'd try to just ignore that and write and...nothing would come out. Or what did come out, I felt like it wasn't ever good enough.

I'd read over what I had already written and just cringe. Cancel a project entirely and trash it because thinking about it made me want to vomit.

The same way you might cringe hearing your own voice on a recording, or see an unflattering photograph of yourself and second guess everything about what you see in the mirror.

This always led slap into a writer's block, which for me also tends to lead toward depression and general self-loathing because I don't feel like me when I'm not writing.

Same thing has happened on and off with most of my hobbies through the years. I started getting deeply into culinary arts when I was sixteen, wanted to learn more and try new recipes out daily, and messing something up would just destroy me. I started playing guitar at thirteen, played daily through most of high school, and went through a few stints that lasted for literal years where just looking at a guitar made me physically sick because I felt like I had hit a wall that I couldn't get past.

I guess because writing has been with me for the longest, it was what helped me the most. I was writing silly little "horror" short stories and Pokémon fanfiction as early as six years old. Writing is ingrained into me to the point that I feel like a different person entirely when I'm not doing it. I feel like I don't know myself.

And that feeling of being inadequate when I was actively writing, I realized, didn't actually start until I began letting other people read what I was writing regularly. Largely when I started posting it online. That was when it went from being my joy to being my dread.

Dread that if I didn't finish a chapter or a story quickly enough, people would stop reading.

Fear of making even one single typo that someone might point out.

Fear of being insulted or berated.

Of not being good enough.

Of failing.

I realized during my extensive haitus from writing that I never had that fear when I was a child. When I was writing for me. Writing what I wanted to. What I enjoyed, what made me happy. That at some point, writing had changed from a form of self-love into people-pleasing.

I spent a few years not writing at all, and gradually started again. A short story here or there when the mood struck instead of trying to force it out. That made the mood strike more and more often.

I eventually bit the bullet and read over some of my old work that I would cringe over, and it made me smile instead. Still made me cringe a little, but instead of that resulting in a need to pull into a shell and stop entirely, it turned into a desire to improve.

It clicked that it was because the only audience I had was myself, and I could do whatever the hell I wanted and just have a good time with it. No worries, no deadlines, no one to impress, just creating what I wanted to and enjoying it.

It's not fool-proof, but when the feeling starts to flare up, the following is a rough inner monologue of how I try to address it.

"Look self, who cares if you're a talentless hack or not? If you like doing the thing, do the thing. If it only brings you joy when other people care you're doing the thing, or you only do the thing when you're hoping it could even potentially impress other people? Then you're not enjoying the thing, you're enjoying the attention, or even just the idea of attention. Take the attention out of the entire equation, and just do the goddamned thing."

Art is passion in physical form. Passion stems from happiness. That happiness stems from you. From you, looking at what you've created, before anyone else has laid eyes on it, and smiling. That moment when you finish your creation, the feeling of fulfillment in knowing that you created something that wouldn't otherwise exist if you hadn't taken the time and energy to do so. That one moment before any potential second guessing or anxiety can rear its head in. That moment, that comes from you and only you, free of any influence from the outside world, is happiness.

Basically, the old saying, "dance like no one's watching?" It applies to everything. EVERYTHING that imposter syndrome could butt its disgusting lying filthy head in on. Sing, play [instrument of choice] like no one's listening. Paint and draw and sculpt and mold and create like no one else but you is ever going to see the finished product. Write like no one else is reading. Enjoy it for what it gives you first and foremost. Extend that moment of happiness and enjoy it, because you did something no one but you could have done, you created something that no one but you could have created.

After that, if other people enjoy it, great! It's always nice to share happiness!

If they don't like it, or if they pressure you to do better or work faster or harder than you're capable of doing in your present state?

If they take your peace and mold it into pain?

Then they can take a flying fuck at a rolling donut.

It's your passion. It's your love. Not theirs.

If they don't like it, they don't have to look.

If you were kind enough to share your happiness with them, and they're miserable enough to stomp on it in any way, shape, or form, then that's their problem, not yours.

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everythingsinred · 8 months

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I spent a whole day reading your Natsume analysis and am so excited to read Mikan's version. I wanted to ask about your thoughts on what Natsume was doing during the four years he was apart from Mikan. In Kageki, we learn that he took a lot of missions to get credit. But what do you think his mental state was like? Do you have any fic recs? I love making myself sad from Natsumikan angst.

hi! im so happy you read the natsume analysis! it makes me happy to hear people enjoyed it! i just recently made a table of contents for my essays and general ga postings so if you need help navigating the mikan essays, check out my pinned post <3

to answer your questions about what natsume was up to while mikan was gone, im pretty sure in kageki narumi mentioned that natsume had some negative behavior and attitude, but the extent of that is left vague. allegedly the missions he went on after she left were not alice-heavy or life-threatening but we know that one of those missions was to be toma's bodyguard and... bodyguarding tends to be dangerous? thats in the job description, pretty much literally. im not entirely sure how he was expected to bodyguard WITHOUT using his alice, but thats what they imply. did he take martial arts? did he carry a gun? who knows really. either way he should not have been permitted to continue doing any missions.

just in general, i think he was pretty depressed without mikan around. i mean natsume was in a HORRIBLE suicidal depression for two years before he met her and falling in love with her happened because she saw value in his life that he hadnt seen before. while she was there, he had developed a sense of purpose in his life and a will to live he hadnt had. it was bc of her that he started bonding with class b. now that shes gone, im sure hes very upset especially because its not certain he'll ever be allowed to see her again, granted he even lives that long.

but as much as i see him being depressed and a little miserable, he still has friends and a strong support system at the academy now. he has his best friend, plus the kids he allowed himself to befriend while mikan was around. theres pictures in the memorial book that depict middle-school aged natsume hanging out with The Boiz, and there's photographs in kageki that imply he wasnt completely isolating himself from his classmates during mikan's absence.

so with that in mind, i think he's depressed and sad about mikan being gone for sure, but he still has a will to live, a support system, and a sense of purpose (seeing mikan again) so that he isnt ENTIRELY devastated during those few years.

we can see when he reunites with her that he kinda expected her to remember him as soon as she saw him, and that gives us insight into how exactly he processed her stolen memories. (smth like, "she doesnt remember anything. so even if i did see her id probably have to make her fall in love w me again and im not even sure how i did it the first time! but she did love me right? i mean if she really loved me, she'd remember me eventually. i cant imagine forgetting her so im sure since she loved me that she'll remember as soon as she sees me!" and then he holds onto that thought so tightly that he ends up shocked that she doesnt remember). those thoughts probably kept him afloat too.

i really have mixed feelings about mikan leaving the academy in the first place though. i just dont think that plot point was executed very well so i never really got very into it.

as for fanfic recs, i cant think of many off the top of my head that have much to do with that time period of natsume on his own, but there is this one, (paths that lead home by MCaroba) which is about natsume going on a road trip with his friends!

as for angsty fics that are NOT related to that specific time period, here are some:

Ten Years to Date by November Romeo (the kids are assigned to write about their futures and natsume refuses. canon!verse one shot) (ps lots of her canon fics are in the same universe and theres a deal of angst involved there too, though her canon!verse fics take place in an alternate future of the kids in high school. i do recommend reading pretty much everything she's written for ga)

Tired by FearandLoathingXIX (hurt/comfort related to natsume's sickness. canon!verse one shot)

My Happy Ending by Little Miss Giggle (au where the kids go to a music school.... it starts off silly and fun but it gets pretty damn angsty. multichapter and one of the better known fics in the fandom)

Steal (my breath away) by Rock-n-Round (au one shot where alices exist but they're a bit weird and hard to explain. this one is EVISCERATING. and very beautiful)

Before You Hit the Ground by Ducky-san (au multi-chapter fic where mikan runs away from an abusive home and meets natsume who is in a gang against his will. i actually LOVE this fic so much... but it does contain some triggering material, like discussions of child abuse and implied sexual abuse.)

Right Before Your Eyes by pressuredtreasure (au... i don't think i can say much about this without spoiling it, but it's basically mikan missing natsume)

Oh Hello World also writes a lot of one shots, some of which are pretty angsty.

i'm really sad.... i was gonna link some other fics but i couldn't find them or remember their names and i'm scared they've been taken down. ah the pain of being in an old, less active fandom...

i also write fics too! ive only written aus so far (incidentally, not on purpose), but the angstiest is probably all things rancid and delicate, which is about mikan in a cult (it has a lot of dark elements to it)

im sorry if youre not much an au person, but i havent read much new ga ffn recently and not many good ones have survived the test of time it seems. it's all very sad. i miss reading fanfic all the time AND having lowered standards for gaffn specifically...

i hope i've answered your questions! if you have any other questions feel free to shoot me another ask! i love talking abt ga <3

#sorry i took a while to reply. i wanted to take some time to gather fics but i ended up falling short anyway!#answered #kitwatson #gakuen alice #ga #fic recs #im sure i have more ga recs but i focused on angst... idk. it was an attempt for sure

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pbandjesse · 2 months

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I am actually doing a little better. I was doing great this afternoon. But this morning I was horrible. The only thing that made me push through was that I was looking forward to this field trip. I needed to be there. This was important to me. But dang. It was hard.

I was not in a great head space and wasn't thinking and didn't dress appropriately for the day. I was freezing. I didn't wear my extra sweatshirt like I planned. I didn't wear leggings or high socks. I didn't even remember gloves. I made a lot of outfit mistakes.

When I got to camp I was almost in tears when I was out in the cold setting up low ropes. My fingers burned. I had stopped at the art building first to get my hiking books but Jesus were my legs cold and my hands and my ears. I was miserable.

I could barely get the ladder to open. I just had to keep stopping and just standing there. Feeling stupid. Feeling freezing. But I got it done.

Once I was back in the office and warm I wasn't so upset. Just a little upset. I had my breakfast but I didn't like it. James used American cheese instead of cheddar and it tasted bad and I was just. Bummed. Bummed about how I felt and everything. I texted James and decided they should reach out to the doctors office.

I was working on my knitting and watching a video when the doctors called me. They were concerned about my cough and I told her about the tonsillitis and she was like should we call a surgeon? And I'm like I don't think I have tonsillitis anymore, I think this is secondary. And they said they could see me tomorrow morning. So that is the plan. 9am tomorrow.

The group would start showing up at 1015. And they were such a nice group. I had the best time. I really needed this win.

This was a homeschool group and they were so good. Big age gaps but they were all super kind to each other and just really excited to be together. They are very covid conscious and had us wear masks. And I honestly think it helped me. The warm air. Because for the entire 4 hours we were together I only coughed once. And it was when I was sitting down during whale watcher. Wild. It was the best I have felt in forever. I felt stronger. The air was good. The sun was good. I was still a little cold but I was much better.

We started a little late waiting for the last family. While we waited I talked about puhtok's history. And asked the kids questions and it was fun.

Sarah and me had discussed that I would lead the morning and she would lead the afternoon in case I started falling apart again.

We started with ground elements. We did the whale watcher and the full group including adults were able to balance for about a minute. The kids alone were able to get 20 seconds. But it was fun. They were doing pretty good. Homeschoolers sometimes struggle with sharing and taking turns but they seemed really well socialized and only struggled a little with waiting. But in general they were great.

We went to low ropes next and it was fun being spotters. And everyone did pretty good even if we could not successfully finish the first course. Everyone seemed to have fun, even when they fell over.

We went in a nature walk next. We started at the horse field. Petting Stormy and Obie. They loved seeing them and talking about them and while I don't know a ton about the horses I was able to tell them stories of what I did know and it was great.

We continued our walk towards the switchback trails, down the the Glen. I had some excellent chats with some of the parents. And I was in a great mood.

When we got down to the bottom of the hill we saw that the pond has approximately a million frog eggs!! It was so cool to see. I know they won't all hatch but I am excited to see frogs again. It's the best.

We would go have lunch next. We walked up the hill, were were all a bit winded. Some families had lunch in their cars. Some came with us to go to trading post. Where we had to move some picnic tables. Which are so heavy but we got it done.

Me and Sarah went back to the office for our lunch. We had a nice break. I had a hot dog. And watched tiktoks and was feeling good. Even if I started coughing again when I sat down. I seen to do the best when I'm standing. Which is frustrating but at least it's something.

The afternoon Sarah took the lead. We played steak the bacon and had a tictactoe relay race. We had some tears when people "didn't get a turn" even though we kept explaining that there were no turns we are a team? And when the older kids tried to make the little kids win by going easy on them or just letting them get ahead, some were still failing and getting upset and throwing themselves at the ground. In tears. Very dramatic. The parents didn't react so I also didn't react and the kids would get over it and move on.

We finished with animals. Samson is awake from brominating. Rosie just finished shedding. Nelly was wet. It was fun. And it gave me some good talking points for bringing Samson to creative alliance for my turtle workshop on Saturday.

Which is going forward and I'm really nervous about it. Literally only because I have to be responsible for Samson. But it will be fine. Even if it makes me slightly uncomfortable.

Once the group was done we walked them back to the cars and said goodbye. Thanked them. I suggested the BMI for more homeschool programs. And me and Sarah were off to clean.

I had left some materials by the pioneer cabins when we realized we forgot the nature key and I had to run back to the office to get it. And when we were over there Joe asked us to help mop. So that is what we did. We mopped the lodge and cleaned the bathrooms.

Once that was done I went to the pioneer cabins to sweep. And then back to the office to chill and wait for the end of the day.

After some emails and having a yogurt I decided to go home. I meant to stop and put low ropes away and just absolutely forgot to do that. Sarah would remind me later. Oops. It's fine. A fixable issue tomorrow.

I would get home around 430. And I was freezing and very tired. I almost immediately got cozy on the couch with sweetp. And waited for James to get home.

When they did they joined us on the couch. And we watched tiktoks for a while. But eventually there were things to do.

James went to clean the bathroom. I did some vacuuming of the frog tank and did a lot of snail catching today. I finally saw Omelet eat. But man are these snails making me annoyed. The battle continues.

James made me spaghetti for dinner. And we sat at the island and talked about our days. So much drama at the museum. But James did get a little raise which is exciting. Just a little one but still. Progress!

I would spend a lot of this evening organizing in the studio and I feel like it's mostly done. I'm really excited about this. And I started thinking about how the little room is going to be organized. And me and James talked through our house projects. The living room is the next big one. I also want to paint the stairwell but that will be largely my own project. But the living room is going to be a Jesse and James effort. I am looking forward to that.

I would take a shower and get in bed and immediately started coughing again when I as vertical. Which makes me really upset. But I am trying my best to be okay. I'm hoping that the doctor will help me tomorrow. Give me something to fix it.

I am looking forward to sleep. And tomorrow will be good. I have my doctor's appointment and then I'll head to work. I'll get Samson safely to my house. And then James is working at theater project so I'm going to go to that show and I'm really looking forward to that. Love going to see a show.

I hope you all have a great night and I don't feel like I'm drowning. Goodnight everyone. I love you all.

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marshmallowprotection · 1 year

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About your post regarding ocs, you are so right. And to that anon or anyone who reads this, your advice was so top tier and should be followed 100%

I mean that's the beauty of writing, is it not? It doesn't matter how crazy something seems if it brings you joy at the end of the day. Besides, some of the best characters or oc x canon fics I've ever read are ones that are so self indulgent. A lot of people love the same ideas, so to read it in someone else's work is always fun and exciting!

My cmc for example, she's for Saeran too. She's literally a run away princess, and yes it still follows the Canon ish plot of the game. Why? Because why not! It's fun! All of my cmcs are pretty out there tbh...And sure I may post my work, but it doesn't matter If anyone reads it or even if they have critiques on it.

That's honestly what I love about your page, you post a lot of stuff that others probably wouldn't just because you like to write for enjoyment. Your passion truly shows, and you have a great talent for writing. I also love how devoted you are to Saeran, it's nice to see other people who never lost that love for these characters. I grew up with them, I don't think I'll ever stop loving them. My cmc and Saeran story will literally always move forward, and I love seeing yours and reading them.

I do think the best lesson anybody can learn is that when you're creating something, you should be creating it because it's something that's fun and you enjoy doing it. If you're creating things because you want to make others happy and not yourself, that's not going to end well.

It's a good thing to want to make other people smile, but it's more important to make sure that you are taking care of your needs, too. You have to remember it's important to love yourself just as much as it is to love the people around you.

Sometimes, the best characters I've seen somebody create come from a place that people might consider “cringe or embarrassing.” Well, there is no such thing as cringe and people should be having some fun. I don't care how preposterous or ridiculous an idea is for your character, if you like it and you want to have fun with it, go for it! The only thing that matters, in the end, is that you are making things that make you happy.

If you want to know the best way to learn how to enjoy the things you create, art, writing, or whatever you do, then you need to let go of trying to please other people with the things that you create. You need to think with yourself in mind first and foremost. If you are doing that, then the people who are genuinely interested in that will come around eventually.

Sure, it might take some time, I know it's genuinely taken me a long time to get to the point that I'm at! But, because I've spent so much time focusing on writing things that make me happy, I feel a lot better than I did a long time ago when I was only trying to please everybody else. When you are happy with what you are creating, people can see it. People can see your enjoyment in your words and your creations.

I don't know how to describe it because it's just a feeling you get when you see somebody who's putting everything into something.

Creating things that make you happy shouldn't be done because you want to be popular or receive attention, not that there's anything wrong with wanting that because everybody wants and deserves validation in some form! But, if you are making something because you wanted to boom in popularity and you're not deeply invested in that very creation, you're only going to burn yourself out and just feel miserable in the process.

That's why I'm so happy to write stories that make me happy. That means I’ll spend a few weeks working with my CMC! I’ll write her a story where she and Saeran can be happy and unlearn their trauma and it makes me giddy to see their world in print. Or! When I’m really feeling self-indulgent, I’ll go even further and write a self-insert story about myself and Ray.

Bonus points to me for when I write something I know that nobody but me and maybe three other people are going to read, but I'm writing it because I want to see what happens! It's good to want feedback and commentary, but it's just as important that you're having fun in the process of creating.

All of my ramblings aside, I hope that if anybody can take anything away from my rambling, it's that they need to enjoy what they're creating and have fun with it.

#ask #anon #mod kait #kait validation hours?#slaaay anon you write that princess!!!

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thepaintedlady00 · 1 year

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I love your fics so much, I hope you don’t mind me asking you a question. Apart from the requests you do, how do you get ideas/inspiration? I wrote a morpheus fic a while ago and I desperately want to write more within the same universe but my brains like a soggy piece of lettuce and as soon as I pick up a pen any ideas I have just disappear.

First, thank you so much! 🥺 I'm so glad you've been enjoying my fics. 🥰 Second I am always up for getting questions and I will absolutely do my best to answer them 😊

Inspiration is a pretty tough thing for me (and most writers I know). It's honestly a process and it's different for everyone, but my personal process is roughly this:

Rewatch, rewatch, rewatch. If you're writing for a fic based on a video game or movie or show I always recommend watching that media so much. I've watched Sandman about 50 times to help keep me grounded in that world and in tune with the characters.

Dedicate 5 minutes every day to writing. Even if it's bad or doesn't quite fit where you want it getting into the habit of writing consistently helps me find the inspiration more often than not. There are definitely still days where I just have a completely empty mind and thats okay too.

Give yourself a break. Writing is hard. Being creative is hard. Not getting your writing done in a specific time frame is not the end of the world and if you're posting fics I've found people are a lot more understanding than I expected.

Find a reading buddy. Having one or more people around and available for you to send bits you're feeling uncertain about is a godsend! I you're like me and just anxiously overthink every piece you write having other pairs of eyes and fresh minds look it over goes a long way. (I have very little friends, so I understand how daunting this might seem, but I am 1000℅ willing to read over things and offer constructive criticism and support if anyone needs this in their writing or art or anything. I promise I'm very nice about reviewing work! 😂🥰)

MUSIC! For me personally listening to music and just dedicating time to being alone with my thoughts and the lyrics or the instruments is where I'm we to find the most inspiration. Something about it just helps me picture scenes or hear character dialogue so much easier than I would sitting and staring at a screen.

I hope this helps you find your inspiration! 🥰 just try some things out and find what works best for you and remember to have fun! Enjoying it is the biggest part. Its not worth doing if you're stressed all day or are just miserable, so keep your head high and just do your best. 🥰

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persefoneshalott · 1 year

Text

I posted 931 times in 2022

16 posts created (2%)

915 posts reblogged (98%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@nocakesformissedith

@strideofpride

@pilferingapples

@nenufair

@fromthemouthofkings

I tagged 718 of my posts in 2022

Only 23% of my posts had no tags

#les mis - 90 posts

#barricade day - 61 posts

#succession - 39 posts

#dracula - 34 posts

#les mis art - 32 posts

#shiv roy - 31 posts

#sfh - 23 posts

#do revenge - 19 posts

#<3 - 17 posts

#dracula daily - 16 posts

Longest Tag: 139 characters

#and he doesn't even know that he's being watched but he knows something's happening and his things get out of place nd even his writing his

My Top Posts in 2022:

My translations

Spanish adaptations of les miserables subbed in english Les Mis Musical 2011 Madrid Les mis 1971 Spain miniseries Les Mis 1943 Mexico movie

English musicals subbed in spanish: The Pirates of Penzance Oliver! Next to normal Heathers Billy Elliot Matilda Pippin

2 notes - Posted November 19, 2022

question:

WHEN does the police find out who did the hit-and-run? I thought it was implied that they knew ever since they found his mom dead, but I'm rewatching to check and since they reveal it later on I guess it's possible that they knew post-funeral? But having the recording and all wouldn't they had found out right away?

Then finding out later would make more sense as to why they don't expect hyungsoo to turn on them, because they wouldn't done the association of 'his mom gets killed out of nowhere and then the gang of this guy he's trying to infiltrate happen to pay for his funeral and those two seem connected' BUT when I watched it yesterday I did took from the scene that they knew from the beginning??? Am I wrong?

also WAIT do the police know that he has told jaeho that he's a cop

I didn't think so but??????

2 notes - Posted June 17, 2022

Mona Vanderwaal and Cheryl Blossom for Character Bingo!! ;)

(Mona Vanderwaal my girlll <3 )

it might be bc I interacted with so few people in this fandom but I feel like most content I saw about her fit how I saw her pretty well so <3

Only reason she doesn't get the "they've never done anything wrong in their life" is that I remember some 'the liars should be nicer to her' comments but don't get me wrong I think she's neat and should get to do all the crimes she wants <3 also I'm stretching it with the 'done dirty' but the fact that they kept giving her boyfriends in the show... W h y. There was so many vandermarin, monison and spona (even monaria if they had played mona and mike dating right) material to work with pls.

See the full post

3 notes - Posted August 18, 2022

watching korean money heist and comparing it to og money heist under the cut

One of the first things I noticed is how it seems to be a lot more group focused, a lot more group scenes rather than having so much focus on tokyo and having all of them be separate? and how it seems the robbers like each other more as like, friends??? I've seen people say their characters are flatter and I agree but on the upside of that, Berlin is not a creep and Tokyo is a lot more likable so. I do miss og Nairobi and Moscu (and Denver, though korean Denver is very cute) because they were very very charming and rootable whereas I feel less attached to them (the Denver x Moscu dynamic is not hitting as hard for me as well?? it's hard to out-endear Paco Tous). Again, I think it's a mixture of the plot going faster and the downside of having more group scenes, because that means the individual relationships like Moscú and Denver or even the fun silly Nairobi and Mr Torres dynamic suffer :(

I don't know if this is a censorship thing or a choice that they made for this remake but there seems to be a lot less sex scenes or stuff related to sex which on the one hand, Berlin's rapist whole storyline doesn't happen as I mentioned which is nice, and it's less... annoyingly straight in some ways bc of this where in the og it was constant straight horny people (and being a bit homophobic as a joke, I don't the forget nairobi x tokyo dumb scene ) hvjcvhdkjsh BUT it is lessening the chemistry between Mónica and Denver on the downside and I don't know how to feel about korean Arturo just accusing korean Mónica of cheating before they get together? It felt more cathartic to have Mónica and Denver get together and then Arturo see it and seethe over it after what an asshole he'd been to her? (HOWEVER this might happen later, that and my favorite monica x denver scene bc it's on the ending of s1 which they haven't gotten to plotwise yet ! ) tbh korean Arturo is like... too much of a bad guy?? like I think spanish Arturo was a cowardly asshole in a way that felt realistic and you could see him still think he's a good person, but korean Arturo is a full blown super villain who fully gives her up not caring if she gets murdered and immediately thinks she's having sex with the robber and calls her a traitor and later tries to hit her. he doesn't seem like a real person. Another thing I'm very curious about is them dropping the abortion and then pregnancy storyline completely and having korean Mónica not be pregnant at all. I don't know why they changed that?? I guess it's not really important, I was never invested on the baby thing but it's just a strange change.

I'm very intrigued about it being set on a future where North Korea and South Korea have joined and whether they're going to go somewhere with that? because of course the whole Bella Ciao and professor's grandfather thing won't be a thing.

Another upside I forgot is that the ambassador's daughter is very cool and competent? I don't dislike og Allison per se, I think she gets a bit lost in the storyline at some point but I liked her evolution and I liked her scene with Nairobi, but it's interesting that this one is so competent and hasn't gotten in trouble at all so far. (she has now, as of ep finale but she's still. different)

Also korean denver is a baby, a himbo, a softie, even more so than og. Not complaining about that part at all. ( I love og denver as well though )

All in all I'm enjoying the show and am interested in it but I don't think the very emotional scenes that hit me hardest in the og will hit me (not just bc I know they'll happen). A fun watch though ! And generally the robbers are more likable and more like a cute found family. And korean Tokyo is my wife < 3333 she's so cute and is cold without being a complete asshole which is nice ! hoping for some bonding between her and nairobi in the future (this has now happened a bit nairobi x tokyo let's goo)

4 notes - Posted July 24, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

ramble about kevin mcclain american vandal s2

the thing is Kevin LIES constantly. Dylan in s1 knows he's innocent but isn't believed by a lot of people, being doubted by peter at some point and with him the audience. But kevin KNOWS that he did it and yet encourages Peter & Sam to suspect in other people and keeps lying about being innocent until the truth leaks out. And we never get his pov of it, really, we only get his narration after he's already lied A TON. I think probably him lying started in part because he didn't want to disappoint Chloe after she was trying to help him and reached out after them having distanced in the past, but he's also a bit resistant to trusting her and reconnecting with her again at the beginning, I think because he felt angry and betrayed by her and with that comes the second part of why he lied, which to me is that he ultimately didn't regret what he did THAT much, not enough to be punished for it. And then when it seems like other people might take the blame for it, he goes with it.

And the people who are being suspected are the people that Grayson WANTS to take the blame, with DeMarcus acting as a substitute for the knight dude for him. And not only does Kevin go with that but he misjudges DeMarcus in the same way that Grayson does, he makes comment about him being a dumb jock and both him & chloe see him as this 'untouchable' person who can get away with anything because of his popularity. which is the exact reason why grayson wants him framed (an assumption, but that seemed like his original plan).

And THEN when drew gets framed in his place, someone who we don't think he has any problem with, he still lets that happen (and Grayson never gives kevin up or leaks their messages which *eyes emoji* is just INTERESTING why would he be so loyal to kevin but that's another story). This is the LAST EPISODE and kevin is still going with the 'I am innocent : ( I've been framed' act.

so when the time comes for Kevin to tell the 'truth' about Brooke I am VERY skeptical lmao because his story sounds very fake and he gives such a non reaction to being told grayson was behind it all. Also, this is another thing that was probably not intended by the writers, but the fact that they wrote him as so obviously gay is another thing that makes the 'I did it to impress Brooke' seem fake to me. I think, considering the condoms is one of the only stuff we have proof of (he did buy SOMETHING), he might've thought he liked her, but I don't buy that he didn't know brooke wasn't brooke after her last text, and that he didn't think back on all those familiar conversations with this person and connected some dots. (also we don't know that they didn't meet in person after *puts conspiracy glasses on*!) He even SAYS 'this girl that I had fallen in love with had never existed', and 'Brooke' tells him that she's a fake ('you're full of shit just like me') SO HOW DOES 'I was trying to impress her' MAKE SENSE. it doesn't.

but anyway I just think it's so interesting and I find what we know of his dynamic with grayson so fascinating, because they're childhood friends before, and he's the only one who grayson didn't get pics from, the only one who wasn't blackmailed because they both agreed on the plan. And grayson could've given him up at any moment, specially with the documentary happening, and he does not, even when he's arrested, even when he leaks everyone elses' part on the plot, he leaves Kevin alone, frames drew so the four acts match four people, and wipes his phone and laptop!! (of course to try and lessen his sentence, but if that had worked, that'd have left no evidence of kevin's involvement as well)

so all in all Kevin is a liar who lies and I love him and I love that dark side of his character that doesn't really get explored in the show and I like to think he's being an unreliable narrator until the end (: and idc if the writers intended him to seem genuine and want me to take what he says in finale at face value, I'm going watsonian and trying to make it make sense for the character, and it doesn't to me if he IS being fully honest.

I'm not saying he's a supervillain or anything to be clear lol, he's just flawed and I do think he didn't enjoy seeing the brown out happened. But again, there's feeling bad and there's feeling bad enough to accept punishment for it. and I find it very funny that he spends the whole season being like uwu I'm innocent I've been framed knowing full well he has not. He even admits 'it was thrilling' to fill the lemonade it but peter buys the 'he fell in love and was trying to impress a girl' story which. even if true. that's still his revenge fantasy. that they both joked about. this isn't him going after people who he has no trouble with bc he's being influenced. but no one ever doubts it! (and again, I'm not saying he wasn't manipulated bc he was for sure, but more in a veronica from heathers the movie way where it's all very ambiguous )

10 notes - Posted November 20, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

#tumblr2022 #year in review #my 2022 tumblr year in review #your tumblr year in review #Lol at my most popular post being 10 notes i am tiny and I like that <3

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nerdferatum · 2 years

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For the writers asks, 5, 18 and 19

5. Do you have any writing superstitions? What are they and why are they 100% true?

Not really! I'm a boring, non-superstition person

18. Choose a passage from your writing. Tell me about the backstory of this moment. How you came up with it, how it changed from start to end.

On the opposite wall, leaning against it like she was wounded, stood the woman she had been thinking of without pause for the last few weeks. Her hair was loose and hid half of her face, but Nat was able to see the shock in her eyes. Not fear, only surprise. Her amber skin was so different from the dull color in the painting. Like her eyes – which looked so miserable before – now a much richer and deeper tone of dark brown, shining with recognition. The woman that was a statue, her own Galatea, looked at her for a long minute while both of them remained still. Her mouth was a little open from the astonishment, forming a small and perfect “o”.

This was the first scene I imagined before writing the Pygmalion AU. To no one's surprised, I was obsessed about mythology when I was a kid, and this story always stood up to me, for no particular reason. So the first time I saw this photoshoot, I inmidiately thought about that myth and I wanted to do something with that concept. Many, many years later, someone tagged a post with those photos something like 2n sewell vibes" and now we are here, one complete fanfic later.

19. Tell me a story about your writing journey. When did you start? Why did you start? Were there bumps along the way? Where are you now and where are you going?

I don't remember when it started because my first memory of me writing is when I participated in a competition for my neighbourhood's schools and high school. I was around 10 years old and I must have been writing for a while already, because it was my mom who told me to do it. I think we had to write little snippets and short stories for class and my teachers told my parents about them because it was the only times I would be actually interested in school. I'm pretty sure I started writing just because I liked books and reading, and continued because I won that competition four of the six years I tried it.

I stopped writing for a few years at the same time I stopped drawing. I felt drained of any creativity and I was more than happy consuming it. It wasn't until I met the people that are my friends now that I could find any passion in making things again, mostly because I have someone to share them with. I usually feel like they aren't being honest about what I do and it hurts, but at this point, if they are lying (or anyone talking about what I do for that matter) I know it has nothing to do with me and it's their business how they want to handle that. They have never had an issue talking about my art and providing constructive criticism, so I don't know why they wouldn't do the same for my writing.

I don't have any real expectation with anything creative, tbh. I always dreamt to become a writer and sometimes I still fantasise about it, but I know I'm not really doing anything to achieve that and that it would probably hurt me more than it would make me happy. I might still try some day, though, just because I can.

Weird questions for writers

#that last one was a long reply i'm so sorry #and thank you for sending these!#answered

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petracozbi · 18 days

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Sorry, I've kinda been spam-liking your blog, I hope it wasn't a bother! I rly like your trollsart, specially your oc, Clover’s dad(?), I was wondering what the lore behind the character(s) is, if you have any?👀

Oh wow, thanks a lot! It’s really no bother at all!

I’m just happy someone can get some enjoyment out of my art, none the less my ocs. I never actually expected anyone to be interested in their lore, so I haven’t written it down, but I can give you the basic gist of it (:

Also, I’m assuming you’re referring to the troll with the messed up ear from this post, feel free to message me if I’m wrong:

Yes, the troll that (I’m pretty sure) you’re referring to, is Clover’s -as well as Trevor’s (“adopted”) dad - I’m putting “adopted” in quotation ‘cuz Trevor just kind of got brought along after Clover found his egg

The lore for Clover’s dad isn’t as throughout as Clover’s and Trevor’s, and I first and foremost created him as a plot device to add a little more angst to Clover’s and Trevor’s backstory (although Trevor doesn’t remember much)

Clover’s dad is a metal/dad-rock troll (I haven’t decided fully yet), who played in a band in his youth, when he met Clover’s mother, a pop-trolls, who ran away in an act of late-teenage rebellion to spite her controlling parents. They immediately became smitten with each other, after Clover’s mom approach him after a show one night, and they hit it off.

They started dating, and Clover’s mom hit the road with Clover’s dad and his band. They had a ‘good’ few years, that was basically one long bender; but one day, Clover’s egg appears in the hair of Clover’s mom. Clover’s dad is ecstatic, mind you he’s deeply in love with Clover’s mom, and the thought of starting a family with her seemed great to him. Clover’s mom, not so much..

All she wanted was freedom, she never wanted children, and the egg appeared in her hair, so she couldn’t even run for it.

Basically it goes downhill from there; Clover’s mom starts distancing herself more and more from both Clover’s dad and Clover, she becomes miserable to be around, constantly start fights over little things, etc. At first, Clover’s dad assume it’s a side effect of carrying the egg, and when Clover first hatches, it almost seems she’s gotten better, but that was only until she lost interest in Clover, like a kid loosing interest in a toy..

Clover’s dad tried his best, but there was no getting through to her (there never had been, but he’d been blinded by love, and he still is). Even worse is when Clover’s mom start blaming Clover’s dad and his music, saying he stole her freedom, and calling him horrible names on a daily basis, all the while he just sits and takes it.

I should mention the band is long gone by this point; Clover’s mom wanted them out, so ofc Clover’s dad, blinded by love, obliged. She also starts making more and more demands, one of them being, he can no longer sing his “horrid and violent music”. It of course doesn’t take long for Clover’s dad to turn gray, but despite this, he still stays with her.

Wish I could say Clover’s mom was as dedicated, but she leaves not long after Trevor’s egg hatches. This sends him into a total spiral, and he accidentally ends up neglecting Clover and Trevor to the point, where Clover runs away with Trevor.

That’s all I got so far, hope it wasn’t too much information, I guess I got a little excited to share about oc😅

Thanks for the ask!

#ask #trolls #trolls oc lore #trolls ocs #oc lore

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tohellandback99 · 5 months

Text

I tried to post this myself, the art and the music I feel when I see it. I’m responsible for taking and sharing the pictures and the artwork. I was going to talk about it myself but then he spoke, which honestly he can explain it better than I can. I’m going to post this, everyone who wants to speak, can speak. He has saved my miserable ass so many times, I’m sad to say times he could’ve died. Both because of my external and internal circumstances. People have seen him so much but they have never actually seen him, if you catch my drift. So everyone gets to see him now. (I’m reading what he wrote,) I don’t hate him, I was confused and now I just hate the fact that he was the only one doing anything about anything I deal with. And how when we were being bullied and harassed as a young kid he was shamed for defending the girls like he’s some evil monster? Can you fucking stand it?

(By having two of my prominent, introjects like this when I was unaware meant that I could ignore them in my body entirely and the brain gaslit me into believing that simply, he doesn’t exist. No memories would be uncovered. And he wouldn’t have had to find or relate either. For security. It’s insane)

😮‍💨 alright, so this is what he wrote;

I did this a while back with my little sister. A long while, I had intended this for both therapy and her big-self’s comics. (The child alter always wanted to be able to speak about it since what happened was over, if it was possible.) To help refer my doctors to my inner-inner world. He did all the inking and the painting portions pretty much…

she was stuck. A small happy ending is I figured out she was closer than I ever knew and could understand, and somehow I managed to wake her up and she’s… doing as good as she can…

The right side is the flip side of this world. Like an underworld.

………. 😞 2012, in August right next to my birthday. ParaNorman came out and was being shown in theaters and I was brought to the theater, as a gift. And what a gift it was. I don’t know if it was that Friday on the exact day or if was Saturday. But all it took was one, loooooong, uncontrollable blank frozen stare out of the blue, at this picture on the right and it was me. (We, didn’t see this movie on that day but waaayyy later.) And I didn’t know, no one knew until way later, even after seeing the movie.

While I’m in therapy and working on reflecting on my existence and why I look different than the body, I remembered I SAW the trailer…… YEARS ago. and that that and this picture was all, it took. And that that is why this small child would show herself to me. I thought I was just having bad dreams. And they were terrifying and I felt the fear, the pain, and the screaming. And I couldn’t do anything about it.

I find out in therapy that I used to share the same name as my abuser, and that I did EVERYTHING I could to not be like him at all to the point where I didn’t even have a face anymore. I hated him and they, hated me. And then. And I completely forgot what the fuck I was doing; I was protecting her

Sigh, and there you have it. Now my head hurts, but I’ll get over it. Not like anyone asked so it’s okay! I am grateful to the people that are listening to what I just said. Thank you so much

#did system art #diagnosed did #dissociative alters #depersonalisation and derealisation #traditional art #watercolourpainting #actually cptsd #norman babcock #paranorman

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aliveanddying · 2 years

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I was thinking about how I used to have a tumblr like this, where I would dump my depressive thoughts as little diary entries back when I was thirteen. My brother had stopped abusing me years earlier and the mesab got spooked one day when I punched his hand away when he went to touch me and stopped coming to our house. I can't remember when that was for the life of me, was I nine? Twelve? I'd genuinely stopped even registering what was happening around me at this point, I couldn't even tell you how long the abuse went for. At thirteen I moved to a different house, leaving everything that happened behind me. But all I could feel was this emptiness, this guilt, this anger and anguish. This pain. So I documented it all in a blog... which I deleted the following year because it caused disaster.

My best friend at the time was also suicidal, and we were always enabling each other. I'll call her A. It was as unhealthy as any friendship between two suicidal teenage girls could be, and sometimes we were downright horrible to each other. For instance, a year after we first met, one of our other friends, J (who was pretty racist actually), started to talk about me to A behind my back. At this point I was still living in a dazed state, so honestly I didn't care what they did to me as long as they didn't abandon me.

On my thirteenth birthday, I invited my whole friend group to a theme park, which they all argued with me about for not having my parents pay their entry fees. A didn't come. No one that I cared about came, apart from M, another one of my closest friends who later stuck by me. They all followed J, who decided to ditch me, my mum, sisters and sweet auntie who came with us and I had the most horrible thirteenth birthday a kid could have. I barely went on any rides, just trying to call them and find out where they were. I still feel guilty for not just enjoying the day with my family when my mum was trying so hard to do something nice for me. I'll never have that moment with her again. That afternoon, on the way back, they showed up right as we were leaving on the bus, and J gave me a look of contempt as we rode away. My mum cussed her out in my ear, and assured me that what we were doing was fine because of how they acted. I was terrified of going back to school the next week though, thinking that I wouldn't have a single friend left.

Everything seemed fine though, when we got back. I still hung out with them all and spoke to M the most, giggling about her brother's bestfriend, who was a mixed boy two years older than us, giggling about another boy we both fancied at the same time, or making up stupid names for people who were rude to us. J and A still seemed to be talking behind my back, though A just got angry at me for insinuating that they would do such a thing to me. I kept J at a distance and just felt miserable most of the time. At home, I consumed my time drawing anime characters and playing my favourite online game, on which I was meeting shady men, and talking to girls who were just like me, alone in this world with only pixilated characters to talk to. I even spoke to boys my age on there, relieved to have the anonymity of my little sprite who was always cute, never fat, too spotty, or ugly. She didn't have glasses and she could talk to her heart's content about all of her interests or art and people didn't think she was weird for it.

Two months of this went by, and now that I'm thinking about that timeline, that's a really long time. This is when I started to write that blog, not knowing where else to place my anger at them for mistreating me this way, not wanting to tell my family or online friends as they would feel sorry for me, and thus look down on me. I wanted them to know that I was normal too, just like everyone else. During these two months, I had rapid crushes on random people I met online, never telling them but posting hints on my MSN messenger status (or whatever it was back then), always showing off the love songs I was playing and getting into whatever music they were into for the week that I was deeply in love with them, carrying the music with me if it was good enough for my tastes. At school, I had much deeper feelings of infatuation for a girl in my friend group, S. She had long brown hair, a narrow face and she was a little bit shorter than me. She was an ally of gay people as her older sister was a lesbian, something that I was toying with the idea of, and she was always nice to me, though we weren't that close, and eventually I fell into the trap of listening to her talk about boys she was talking to, because I would have done anything for her. In the end we would only ever talk about her boy trouble and I could never get a word in about anything else, but I was okay with just spending time with her. I think back now and she was the first person I really ever had a real crush on, everyone else was just another person I desperately wanted attention from, or thought was hot. One day she told me about a boy she was seeing who touched her boob while they were making out at the park, which made her feel uncomfortable. I stayed up all night thinking about it, angered and curious at the same time, feeling bad for her. Though it never occurred to me that I had been through the same thing just years before, and I never once felt bad for myself.

After these two months, our school year was coming to a close. Tensions were high between myself, A and J, but I wasn't bothered enough to do anything about it. The whole group had started to ditch me all the time, which was easy because I was always in a different class to them (not to humble flex but I was a smart kid, always in top set), they used to come and get me from every class. A girl I hardly spoke to, Z, was in the same predicament as me, so we ended up talking a little bit through all of this, though we didn't have many of the same interests or things to bond about as she was Muslim and I was... maybe gay, definitely ex-Muslim, and hated talking about anything religious, often slipping up and criticizing religion in front of her. We actually later became really good friends through all of this, and to this day she's still my closest friend.

Summer was approaching fast and I had another crush, he was a friend I met through that online game I loved, and he was eighteen years old. I had invited him to the theme park we went to for my birthday, but he said no as it would have been weird for him to show up to a party full of thirteen year old girls. I was sad because I wanted someone who was in my corner for once, but understood anyway. He was a funny guy and would call me on my phone and we would talk for hours, initially I genuinely thought of him as a friend, but as usual, I couldn't think of a boy as a friend for too long before he became something more in my mind. I took pictures of my jaw, collarbone and cleavage for him to see, edited them to black and white and posted them as my MSN profile picture, but then I took them off really quick in case my friends saw and laughed at me. At school the next day, J was being weirdly nice to me, and I made the mistake of indulging her. She asked me to take a picture of something, I can't remember what, and grabbed my phone out of my hand to see what it looked like. All of the girls were looking at my phone, and my mind went into overdrive knowing that if she swiped left she would see the previous pictures, that I had taken the night before. Of course, she did and I swiped the phone out of her hands, to which she said something like "Woah, you didn't need to snatch it from me!" and then her face contorted into her signature scowl, and she made a comment about me taking a picture with my boobs out like a slut. I felt so ashamed of what I did that I deleted those pictures as soon as they all left and went to cry in the bathroom.

That was the last day of term, and I was happy that I wouldn't have to see any of them for the next two months (I actually can't remember how long summer holidays were back then, but I know it was longer than 6 weeks like it is now!). At home, I was waking up at 2pm everyday, eating lunch for breakfast and nothing for dinner, constantly gaming and drawing as much as I could, often staying up until sunrise. I would record myself drawing people for my DeviantArt profile or the forum for the online game I was always playing, then I would speed up the videos and put them on YouTube. I also dabbled in animation and loved video editing on my torrented copy of Sony Vegas and I amassed a humble following of around 300 subscribers and a larger one of around 1000 followers on my anonymous tumblr, which felt like a lot back then. At some point, I started to feel stunted whenever I wanted to draw or make something though, feeling suffocated by my own expectations of myself. J had resorted to sending me nasty messages on MSN, and I usually just didn't retaliate because the one time I did, she deleted all her messages and added A to make it look like I just swore at her for no reason. A pretty much told me not to try to hang out with her when we went back to school, and I mourned the loss of my best friend. I didn't talk to anyone from school that summer, and even M and Z didn't message me. Going to my cousins house in Cardiff, which I mentioned in my last post, was my saving grace. I never wanted that summer to end.

After the summer finally came to an unfortunate close, I had no one to hang out at school. Z was supposed to be there, but a lot of the time she didn't come in. Her parents let her take days off school when she didn't feel like she could face those bullies, whereas my mum just forced me to go in. I was alone all the time, and my suicidal posts on my old blog amplified. One day, I told the boy I took those pictures for about the abuse I endured as a child. I'd gone back to thinking of him as a friend now. I never really thought about how close I actually was to this boy thinking back, I told him everything. He responded to my abuse saying that he went through the same, his older brother forced oral sex on him. He trivialised my abuse by saying that his was much worse, because he was a boy and under Islam it was forbidden for men to do things like that together. To this day he is the only person I have told about my brother's abuse.

This is a really long post, but what I wanted to talk about was about a year later, when A and I had become friends again, expelling J from the group after months of secretly talking on MSN and the classes we had together. She was feeling increasingly suicidal and it was too much for my thirteen year old mind to handle. I didn't want to betray her by telling a teacher, her mum or our other friends, who had started to talk about her behind her back, but I also didn't know what I could do for her. I couldn't help but make her problems into my problems, and when my friends bitched about her I didn't say anything, although I didn't join in either.

One day, I told her about my anonymous tumblr, which helped me because I could put all of my feelings into it. She followed it and made her own too, and that was the beginning of a horrible spiral into darkness for us. Everyday we'd talk about whatever was bothering us on there, and we'd enable each other by commenting on each others' posts. I had started to hate her without realising, and quickly figured out that it was a mistake to reveal my safe space to her. I deleted my anonymous blog, and continued supporting her from my main account. Her posts got darker and darker until I felt like it was my fault that things were getting this bad. She reblogged those old pro-ana and cutting posts and I felt like I had made a monster. At school the girls were talking about excluding her from the friend group and one day, I'm not sure why, but I told them about her tumblr. I exposed her safe space in a spiteful fit of misplaced anger, pressure and the feeling that she was just another burden in my terrible life. They started reading it and making fun of her, and I instantly regretted my decision.

She found out what I had done, and called me crying. All I could do was apologise, because I didn't know why I did what I did. She made one last post, saying goodbye because she planned to really end her life, and hung up the phone. Twenty minutes later, her mum called me, explaining that she locked herself in the bathroom, and she didn't know what we had done to her but if her daughter did something to herself in there, she'd never forgive me. Again, all I could do was apologise, and cry because I regretted it so much. She didn't come to school for a while after that, but when she did, she started hanging out with a group of popular girls and she just didn't look at me anymore. We fought a couple of times after that, but I couldn't say anything because I felt bad.

To this day I couldn't tell you why I did what I did, and I apologised to her years later when we were both in college and she was over it. We never actually spoke about what happened and two years ago we started being friends again, but we just weren't good for each other so I stopped seeing her. She drank too much, and because of that I would too because I can't control myself when I'm drinking, and one day she told me not to come to her birthday if I was going to be late (I was already on the way, and because she made me feel unwanted I just went home and felt horrible about it). I noticed that we were falling into our old habits of enabling each other, but this time with things like drinking, drugs, partying, and for her, fighting people when she was drunk. I fell into the role I had in our friendship when we were thirteen, following whatever she did and ignoring her snarky remarks at me to make me feel awkward or unwelcome. So although I was sorry for what happened when we were kids, I stopped coming to things she invited me to after her birthday, and she asked me why I was acting weird. I just pretended it was nothing, because I didn't really want to fight about it when it was a silly comment she made months ago, and she pretty much never spoke to me again. I'm not sure if I'm the asshole in this situation at this point, and I'm okay with it if I am. Everything I do now, is for the sake of my own mental health.

Whew, this was a long one.

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