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beomglocks · 3 years

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unlikely allies ; txt x reader

part: four.1 ,,,, next chapter / previous chapter

plot: when a zombie apocalypse breaks out in your town, you’re forced to team up with a group of boys from very different social standards in your school.

genre: fluff, angst, horror i guess?, not really that scary but alright, some funny moments

w/c: 2.1k

warnings: blood, gruesome scenes (kind of really detailed), cursing, everyone hates each other, definitely some major injuries, zombies duh, everyone kinda pining for mc

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"we are going to find more people y/n. we need to make up for beomgyu," taehyun spits. beomgyu walks up to him with anger taking over his features. "im still here you know! and i'd just hate for the kang taehyun to get bit because wouldn't that just be soooo fucking tragic! news flash, everyone's dead! you're not famous!"

"stop arguing!" you pull them apart but yeonjun shoves you away from them. "why? why should stop arguing?"

"we're all gonna die anyways," soobin says casually from his spot on the ground.

taehyun rolls eyes, walking straight into the library without any hesitation. "wait-" before you can warn him you all see something that makes you freeze.

you swear you remember that kid from somewhere. his fluffy hair is covering his eyes and instead of his baggy sweater covering his frame, it has ridden up to showcase his nonexistent abdomen. the zombies have absolutely ravaged the kid's body, leaving nothing but a lone carcass. there are still zombies lurking around his body, trying to feast on whatever part of him is left.

something beside the boy's body catches your eye and you realize who he is.

"ah shit," they mumble. you snap out of glaring at yeonjun to see a boy on the floor with books scattered around him. "shit im sorry! i should've been looking at where i was going," you apologize kneeling down to help the boy pick up his books.

"oh don't worry i shouldn't have taken up carrying so many books to the point where i couldn't see!" the boy's voice is so cheerful it makes you smile. you're glad he's not mad at you.

the boy is really cute too. his boyish features suit his face well and his hair is messy but looks like he stylized it that way. he's dressed comfortably in a huge sweater and baggy jeans with a molang keychain attached to one of the belt loops.

"where are you even going with all these books?" you ask. "i offered to take these back to the library for my english teacher, in hindsight i really should've just taken two or three not the whole stack." he chuckles sheepishly. he gets back up, picking up as many as he can.

you cover your mouth, trying not to let out an audible sob. even though you didn't know the freshman too well, this boy had left an impression on you with his cheeriness. that and the fact that this is the second time you've seen someone get eaten alive.

"hueningkai?" taehyun whispers. he takes several steps forward as if he's in a trance. "taehyun wait-"

"kai??" he raises his voice more but it cracks. the zombies in close proximity of you all snap their heads up at the sound of taehyun's voice. "tae we need to get out of here right n-"

"y/n!" you hear soobin call. you turn around to see beomgyu convulsing on the floor wildly. "w-what happened?" soobin shakes his head frantically. "he might be turning." you want to cry at the sight of your friend curled up in pain. you can tell he's trying to hold back his screams as to not draw attention to the group and get you all killed.

it's too late though because the zombies that were eating kai alive are now running towards you all. "what do we do?" yeonjun cries. you don't know what to do at this point. there's absolutely no saving beomgyu, who is currently turning. you go to grab taehyun's arm to at least try to save one person from your party but the zombie at the front of the group has already pounced on him. "NO!" you yell.

even though the zombie has sunk it's teeth into taehyun's ankle, you still try to drag him away in hopes of saving him. he's kicking at its face with the tiny sliver of strength he has left after being thrown to the floor. "don't worry taehyun im not leaving you," you huff.

you don't think you've ever had this much determination for anything ever. all you know is that someone's life is on the line and if you just try hard enough they might survive.

you're suddenly pulled back by your shirt when the entire group of zombies get to taehyun's idle body. "wait!" you reach out to him but it's too late. they've already began gnawing away at him. taehyun puts up a good fight but it's no use. there are too many of them.

he lets out a string of pained screams and all you can do is close your eyes.

"we have to go! we have to go," yeonjun screams. he shakes you to get you to get up but you have already given up. not one but three of the people who you've met have died. it hurts to know that they were once alive, smiling brightly with hope and life shining in their eyes.

it's not even the fact that prior to a zombie apocalypse happening you most likely gave no shits about these people but the stakes and circumstances have changed. of course now you care because you hoped they would love to see another day.

yeonjun sucks his teeth and picks you up. it takes a bit of extra strength on his part and he knows it'll slow him down tremendously but he doesn't care. "it's gonna be ok!" he reassures. you get a better view of soobin and beomgyu when he lifts you up and it makes you want to look away.

beomgyu's arm now has discolored veins that scale all the way up to him face. his eyes are glazed over and now white colored. you can see trances of dyed tears on his face but he's too far gone. he's dead and he's a threat to you all now.

"soobin r-!" yeonjun slaps his hand over you mouth so that you don't attract the zombies on taehyun to start going after you both.

soobin tries to hold his own against the now undead beomgyu and you can't exactly tell what's going on. yeonjun leads you away from the library and you can only hear a scream from who you assume is soobin.

"where are we going we can't just leave soobin behind like that!" you try to stand and halt the both of you but yeonjun harshly pulls you along. "yes we can and we will!" he barks. "there isn't a chance in hell that we could've saved him. it's us or him!"

he shoves you into the electrical room of the school. the door was thankfully unhinged otherwise the door would've remained locked.

there's nothing but silence minus the rapid breathing coming from you both. you go through what just happened and start to burst into tears, haphazardly wiping at your face but failing when more tears come down. yeonjun sighs, letting himself fall on the floor.

he doesn't even have time to rest before he hears a pounding coming from outside the door. "y/n? y-yeonjun? l-let me in!" you look over to yeonjun who's already looking at you wide eyed. "soobin?" you mumble. you go to stand but yeonjun launches himself at you. "hell no! soobin go away!" he yells.

"please open the door! they're coming! please!" soobin pleads. you shake your head, "yeonjun we have to help him please!"

yeonjun contemplates for a little bit longer than you'd like but he suddenly stands up. he gets to the door however he doesn't open it all the way. "are you bit? there's no way you came out of that unbitten."

soobin looks around unsure of himself. he grips onto his arm tighter from what you can see and you silently hope and pray he's not bit. however yeonjun also notices his suspicious behavior. "you're not coming in," he says. he starts closing the door again but soobin shoves past him.

yeonjun runs after him and tackles him to the ground. you look back at the door and you can hear the zombies that were following soobin approaching. you make a run for it to shut the door but yeonjun yells at you. "we have to leave it open for when i throw this asshole out of here!"

"but-" you wince when yeonjun punches soobin square in the face. it doesn't seem to phase the other boy as he growls and turns the tables on yeonjun. soobin has always been a bit stronger than yeonjun so it's no surprise that especially at this moment he's overpowering the other boy.

you rack your brain trying to come up with a logical plan. though you aren't being given many options. it's either wait until yeonjun manages to throw soobin out meaning you risk the group of zombies reaching you all or you lock yourself in the electrical room with an already bitten soobin.

you bite your lip watching soobin throw as many punches as he can with an unusable arm and yeonjun blocking them as best as he can. however, soobin was steadily getting weak and you could tell as well as yeonjun. with one swift push, soobin falls back onto the ground and yeonjun punches him again for good measure.

you can't see them well in the dimly lit electrical room however with the sliver of light pouring in from the door being open you can somewhat make out yeonjun's face. soobin sure did a number on him. his nose is dripping blood and his lips are bruised and swollen. his eye is also bruised and swollen and you're not sure if he can even see from it. god, he looks miserable.

he looks up at you and spits some blood out from his mouth. "lets get him out of here," he mumbles. you watch him get off soobin but he stumbles a bit. "yeonjun please hurry i think the zombies are coming," you tell him. he groans but says nothing in response.

yeonjun picks soobin up but once he has soobin's arm around his shoulder soobin starts shuddering. "you're gonna turn soon," yeonjun mumbles. soobin chuckles in between his shaking, "you care about me all of a sudden. i thought we were sworn enemies?"

yeonjun rolls his eyes, "whatever." if this were happening at any other time you might have smiled at them. you smile sadly when the two boys reach you at the door. you lean down to soobin's hunched over state and hold his face in your hands. "im sorry," you say. he shakes his head but says nothing to you.

"t-the gun," he mumbles in pain. you can see the veins starting to crawl up his shoulder and onto his neck now. "if we shoot you then the zombies that were after you are sure to start running towards here," yeonjun frowns. "soobin i don't think any of us are willing to k-kill you," you say as a tear rolls down your face.

his head snaps backwards violently then he slumps forward. "please," he manages to croak out.

you shut the door, closing your eyes. "y/n..." yeonjun says. "we can't let him die as one of those- those things!" you shout. yeonjun sighs, putting soobin down onto the floor. "think about this, you're about to kill another living being!"

"WHAT OTHER OPTION IS THERE?" you lash out. yeonjun stands there shocked at your outburst and the expression on his face makes you cry even harder than before. "what other option is there?" you cry softly.

you both look over to soobin who's now started convulsing on the floor. unlike beomgyu, this time he doesn't hold in his blood curling screams of pain. there isn't much time left before he turns.

you tentatively take the gun from his person and hold it up to his head. his eyes open momentarily and you see the fear in them flash through. he closes them tightly once again to brace himself and a tear rolls down his face. "i-im s-sorry," you cry. even as you hold the gun to his head, you hesitate. killing someone wasn't as easy as you thought. yeonjun walks up but not before wiping a tear from his face. "cmon."

he helps you hold the gun steady but removes your finger from the trigger. "close your eyes ok?" he whispers close to your ear. you sniffle, watching soobin struggle to keep his humanity. he opens and closes his eyes and keeps flinching and convulsing in different ways. you can tell he’s really in pain and not just because of his screams.

“im sorry soobin,” you cry. “im sorry!” you close your eyes tightly, waiting for yeonjun to pull the trigger.

you hold your breath and you can feel yeonjuns on the back of your head. his is nowhere near steady and you can’t imagine how he’s feeling having to kill another human being. his breathing is shaky and unsteady.

he tightens his grip on the gun and you feel his breath stop completely.

“three,” he mutters.

you’re sobbing uncontrollably at this point, unable to say the next number so he does it for you. “two.”

“one.”

✼ •• ┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈ •• ✼

taglist: @fxd-skz @jinniehyunjin @bluemoonnightmare @srcasticking-main @shuichi-sama @hyunjinsicedamerican0 @groovybiscuitdiplomatpeach @cutiegyu @gyyuniverse @strykiss @minari-iii @minheesmini @cha-raena @yuto-darling @hyunjinhasmyheart @whateveryouwant90 @peachy-maia @strawberryaourt @binniebutter

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ozkamal · 3 years

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Wisdom notes1. It’s not who you are underneath it’s what you do that defines you 2. Stop living other people’s stories and start writing your own 3. We are all gonna die, not all of us get to make a difference 4. Just cause you know you are capable of something doesn’t mean it has to happen again 5. Every weakness contains within itself a strength 6. Why do we fall? So we can learn to pick ourselves back up. 7. In order to be what we are, we have to come out of what we are not 8. It’s not the size of a soldier in a fight, it’s the size of the fight in a soldier 9. some of the best things in life are by accident 10. you can lose to your enemy, but you must not lose to fear 11. if your looking for revenge, you should start by digging two graves 12. sometimes the scars you can’t see are the ones that hurt the most 13. sometimes the rain must fall for us to appreciate the sun 14. train yourself to let go, of everything you fear to lose 15. a man does not cry because he is weak, he cries because he has been strong for too long 16. not everyone can be trusted, even your shadow leaves when your in the dark 17. don’t trust anyone too much, remember the devil was once an angel 18. you didn’t fail, you just found out, eg:100 ways how not to make a light bulb 19. I failed over and over, that’s why i’m successful. 20. it isn’t what you got in life it’s what you make of it 21. people do not despise the thief who steals to satisfy himself when he is starving 22. a mans loyalty is tested when he has everything. a woman’s is tested when he has nothing 23. you have to be odd to be number one 24. trust takes years to build and yet only seconds to break 25. never regret a single thing that made you happy 26. make the plan, execute the plan, expect the plan to go off the rails, throw away the plan. 27. don’t be afraid of losing people, be afraid of losing yourself trying to please everyone around you 28. when we stop checking the monsters under the bed that’s when we realise they were inside us 29. sometimes she’ll keep you down but also somehow be the one to keep you up 30. From strangers. to friends. to being together but then back strangers but with memories 31. it hurts a lot when she breaks up with you. and gets together with someone else really quick... it just don’t feel like she cared, but sometimes you gotta let fate take you by the hand 32. you lost interest so fast.. my world ended before it even started 33. you can love somebody just by being attached. see loyalty is a action u can love or hate me but u still have my back 34. as dr seuss said, “i always knew looking back on the tears would make me laugh. but i never knew looking back on the laughs would make me cry 35. sometimes it’s hard to know what haunts you more, the memories of her, or the memories of how happy you used to be 36. it’s not that your life sucks, it’s just you done want to think that it doesn’t 37. love never ends, it’s the strength to try that does 38. silence can be just another word for pain 39. not everything lasts forever, people change, people grow apart. don’t force anything 40. absence makes the heart grow stronger 41. it ain’t about how hard you can hit.. it’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward, that’s how winning is done 42. tomorrow is never promised 43. the most painful thing isn’t a cut or a broken bone, it’s seeing memories slowly become memories 44. better to have a short life doing what you love, than a long life living miserably 45. when a man loves a woman she becomes his strength 46. pay close attention to the people who don’t clap when you win 47. if your the smartest person in the room then your in the wrong room 48. a great future never requires a great past 49. everyone is the hero of their own story 50. the only time you should look back is to see how far you’ve come 51. there’s four things you can never get back, the word after it’s said, the moment after its missed, time after it’s gone and trust after it’s lost 52. they say you never knew what you had until it’s gone.... truth is, you just never thought you’d lose it 53. think of it like this, it hurts to let go... but sometimes it hurts more to hold on 54. out of all the things we learn in school, no one teaches us how to love ourselves 55. there comes a time in life, where you realise that nothing will ever be the same. And you realise that from now on, time will be divided in two parts, before this.. and after this 56. it takes absence to value presence 57. it’s not about the happy ending, maybe it’s about the story 58. it’s crazy how after so much, you become strangers again 59. words may sting, but silence is what breaks the heart 60. sometimes it’s not the person you miss, it’s the feeling you had when you were with them.. 61. in life there’s the people that tear you down, and the ones that build you up. but in the end, you’ll thank them both 62. you know a million words won’t bring them back, and you’ll know because you tried, neither would a million tears, and you’ll know... because you cried 63. the worst feeling is never being lonely, it’s being forgotten by someone, you’d never forget 64. you’ll realise how you waste so much time on certain people, but in the end sometimes they weren’t worth a second of it 65. there is always going to be some truth behind every “just kidding”. some knowledge behind every “i don’t know” emotion behind every “i don’t care” and pain behind every “it’s okay” 66. being happy is a very personal thing and it really has nothing to do with anybody else 67. don’t let something that’s long gone, control you. it’s time to let go 68. it’s amazing how one day someone walks into the life, and suddenly you don’t know how you every lived without them 69. someone once asked me if i knew you a million and one memories flashed through my mind.. but i just said i used to 70. at the end of the day, your not always gonna say and do the right things. and that’s fine, your not here to be perfect, your here to be real 71. going back to a relationship is like rewatching a movie, and hoping for a different ending 72. the worst kind of sad, is not being able to explain why 73. Life is the most difficult exam. Many people fail because they try to copy others. Not realizing that everyone has a different question on their paper 74. the difference between, like, love and in love is the same difference between, for now, for a while.. and forever 75. everyone can make you smile, but not everyone can make you happy 76. the most difficult part of moving on, is accepting the other person already did 77. it’s sad how the people you were once so close with. can become just another person you don’t know, not their just a stranger with your secrets 78. one day someone will break you so bad.. you will become unbreakable 79. you can close your eyes to things you don’t want to see, but you can never close your heart to things you don’t want to feel 80. if you think photos aren’t so important, wait until they’re all you have left 81. giving someone another chance, is like giving them another bullet, because the first one missed 82. the truth is.. we don’t mature with years, we mature with damage 83. consider how hard it is to change yourself, then you’ll realise what little chance you had in changing others. 84. everyone has a story, and everyone has something that changed them. so never judge someone by the chapter you walked in on 85. in life sometimes there is no next time. No timeouts, no second chances. sometimes it is now or never, things change, friends leave. and life doesn’t stop for anybody 86. can you remember who you were, before the world told you who you should be? 87. it’s sad how you can go from speaking to someone non-stop, to never speaking to them again, in an instant, it’s like you could have just stayed strangers 88. it’s important to realise you can miss something, but not want it back 89. your current situation, is not your final destination 90. it’s never to late to be what you might’ve been 91. you start with such a simple hello, but end with such a complicated good bye 92. in order to move on, you need to understand why you felt what you did, and why you no longer need to feel it 93. telling the truth and making someone cry, is better than telling a lie.. and making someone smile 94. it’s not the goodbyes that hurt, but the flashbacks that follow 95. some would say people who say it is what it is are dangerous, i say those people have just been hurt to the point where they no longer care 96. if you don’t go after what you want. you’ll never have it. if you don’t ask, the answer is always no and if you don’t step forward, your always in the same place 97. live today the way you want because nothing else is more real than the moment you have in your hands 98. people come and go, but life is simply about... seeing who cares enough to stay 99. one of the most messed up things the world will ever do to you, is let you meet the right person. at the wrong time 100. apologise for your mistakes not your feelings

https://www.reddit.com/r/quotes/comments/n0o67m/i_have_made_a_list_of_quotes_from_movies_and_from/?utm_source=ifttt

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alukardtheabysswalker · 4 years

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Sasha: Dead or Alive?

So I know I’m not a big figure of TMA theories, not even close, but I’d like to put my thoughts in one place and if you feel like reading a bit of narrative analysis of a very well written series then please, suit yourself. And of course, Spoilers ahead.

So, Sasha. With all that’s been happening in this season one gets the feeling that not only is her memory that is getting a lot of narrative attention but also her position. Now, I’m aware and even participated in theories regarding the possibility of characters in our story coming and going, knowingly or not, in and out of different universes and I’m sure that will have it’s own narrative pay off. But I want to focus a bit more on what we have right here and now. So I’m going to name all the points I think the story and narrative has given us thus far to believe our dear Almost Archivist could be either dead or alive. Bear in mind I am not that good at checking the many little details and much of this could be more gut feeling than precise data, but I’m listening to the podcast for the third time now and I feel like I have enough points to make a statement(pun very much intended) on the case. But if you want to provide more evidence feel free to do so! I am very much inviting discourse on the matter. Without further adieu, let's get to the point/s.

Alive:

Sasha’s initial role was a bit more heavy in the story. However given that her VA couldn’t keep working due to her own schedule they resorted to giving said role to Tim. You can see this change in narrative in the fact that Tim’s VA had to adapt a bit. Not only is he a producer of the show but now a very important character who was originally going to be the first tragic Death of the series, and now has to adapt his acting to a character that is scarred by the events that haunt him. Which he did marvelously btw. And with the tape presented in the second episode of this season you can see how they're adjusting the narrative to fit his tragic past and Sasha’s importance to the Archive. Hell when I was listening to S1 ending I was convinced Tim or Martin were going to be the victims of the attack. Narratively it all pointed to Sasha being the powerhose of the group. Which made it all the more hurtful when she was taken.

Speaking of said tape, in there she talks about how who you are is what you do and what you show to other people. She specially mentions Masks. Which if you paid attention to MAG 165 is kind of the whole theme. Faces being changed and with that memories, people, personalities. Maybe, as it’s been pointed out, she was not killed but was robbed of her face and she’s been wondering about, without even knowing who she is.

And on THAT regard we can look at what Not!Sasha said. She took her life. If you were to take this at face value (again, pun intended) it would mean literally killing her. But let’s think about that for a second. What the Not!Them does is take the lives of the people they attack. They put themselves in their place and change enough of R E A L I TY to fit themselves in. Photographs, memories, clothes, everything adapts to them, save for a few things, enough to make someone paranoid and afraid of them. Even Gertrude herself mentions how it is that they always seem to miss someone but I think it is rather the point that they do. If no one is aware of this supernatural identity theft then who is left to scare? Going back to our original point, what if Not!Them doesn’t kill their victims but instead take their lives? As in, everything else except killing them. There is also this proposal that every entity or at least many of them have their own dimension or pocket dimension. The Lonely has its misty shore, The Vast literally just casts you into an endless sky or the void of space, The Spiral has The Distortion trapping people inside of their halls, you get it. This leads to our next point.

This strange carrousel that appears as the Nightmare of many people fearing The Stranger gave us three very interesting bits of information to chew on: One, it shows what many people have theorized would be The Stranger’s or at least Not!Them's dimension. People who do not know who they are and are desperately trying to find out, even stealing other peoples faces, memories, names...their lives. Two, not only that but the creature that is controlling this IS Not!Them, Martin even calls them “It’s Goddess”, and mentions how it must have full control over it. Third, Jon rode one of these a few years ago. No this is not important to our conversation (I think) but I WILL chew on it because I love this adorable man and I wish I was as brave as him to get on a carousel at my age (25) because I’d love it. Anyway, going back to our second bit of info: Not!Them is dead. In a delicious moment of revenge Jon destroyed them and Martin asks what would happen to this place without them? Well, maybe the people that were inside were freed, at least for a moment, maybe with enough time to remember or search for who they were?

This all could mean that not only is Sasha alive, granted having been in a horrifying Nightmare for YEARS now but it may also mean that she is also finally free. There’s still the theory of other universes and I like to play with it because not only would resolve some stuff that looks to be narratively incoherent(tho nothing definitive there) but it would also explain a lot regarding Jon’s shifting memories of the events of the series. Again I am not that versed in this topic to bring it into question.

Finally it would seem that the story is focusing a lot on Sasha as an important entity(yes, still intended) not just as a deceased character with a potential role but as one that still can and will bring change to the story.

So, we seem to have a lot of reasons given to us by the story and how it is being told to believe that yes, Sasha is alive and important to the story. And here comes the dreaded buts/s.

Dead:

The most important fact that I want to point out in this regard is that The Magnus Archives takes death very seriously. Not only death in the real world, brought by cruel beings and people, supernatural creatures and evil systems that send people to die and be killed by the interest of others. But as probably many of you know the writers and producers of the show want death to be important, to have weight in the story. Both Jon and Alex have said so in QAs and you can tell just by listening to the show. When a character dies, they stay dead. Death is final and even people that “cheat death” must pay a high price, usually living miserable “lives” killing other people or regretting their so called luck in avoiding their final destination. Death makes every character aware of the danger they are in and when it is granted so easily it is shown as the result of corrupted, sadistic people and monsters (cough police cough acab cough). Therefore, bringing back a character from the dead would feel cheap, it would take the weight out of the story. That is not to say they haven’t faked deaths before, Trevor is a good example, and you have an Avatar of The End very much alive-ish after having a Satellite dropped on him (Man I love this podcast) but the key difference, to me at least, is that Sasha was The First. The important character that we were sure either wouldn’t die because of plot armor or the aforementioned narrative importance she was given. But no, everybody can die, and that makes everyone afraid and wary of their actions.

It would also make Not!Them less scary, less imposing which would rob them of their position as a horrifying monster. We either knew or suspected that they had killed and surely replaced Sasha, now we feared for what might happen to the rest of the team. In the end, they were not only very much dangerous but also yes, they killed Sasha in a gruesome way, now maybe even do the same to Jon. You could argue that being trapped in that hellscape of The Stranger is an equally fearsome destiny, but at this point we´ve seen Jon disregard said dangers and literally rescue TWO people from TWO different nightmarish dimensions. Yes it is stated as the almost miracle that it is and it is important to show Jon’s improvement and growth but it also robs them of their weight. Not completely of course, but as long as Jon is around they aren’t that scary anymore, and given that he is our protagonist well, he is always around. There is also that beautiful scene in which he gets a very much earned revenge. If Sasha was not dead then it kind of loses its value.

Now I am going to cheat a little bit because here I am going to take our previous points and turn them on their heads inserting an “Alive” point here. You could argue that of course it still has value. They don’t know that Sasha is alive and technically neither do we, killing Sasha or not this monster definitely tortured our crew and this is a well earned punishment. Plus it is very well written and presented. You could even make a point that, with the death of Not!Sasha comes the revival of Actual!Sasha. And getting this far after so many real deaths it could even make sense to have one narrative rebirth of a character that was robbed of her chance of glory. Which can fit in this established narrative of:”She could have been The Archivist! The Protagonist”.

And here comes the but: What if this is not about Sasha but instead Other!Sasha? Remember when I said I wasn’t going to take into consideration theories regarding parallel universes? Well I might have lied a little bit. You see, from the moment Jon played Gertrude’s tape regarding her successor I began to have this thought:”This is a theme of what ifs, of potential possibilities and different timelines”. Now, I have to say again that I’m not an expert on this topic, this is more of an analysis of what I think or feel I’m seeing the narrative of this season is heading towards. Maybe there is an alternative reality, with a different crew. One that might sound like our dear Archival Buddies but are actually very much different. On the surface, their masks if you will, they are our Sasha, our Tim, our Martin, but once we get to know them, to know about them, they are different people. There is this theory that the house cleaner that got trapped by the house on Hilltop Road is an alternative version of the nurse that worked close to said house. She mentions how her friends are different, how they almost don’t recognize her. But I mean, they didn’t reject her, they even helped her and recommended her that she make a statement at The Magnus Institute. What if there is another Sasha, but not quite the one we’d want. And even if Sasha was alive, if we disregarded all of this, what kind of person would she be after everything that's happened to her?

I’m not sure I can give you a conclusion here. We are after all barely in episode five of this 40 episode season and this might all be proven wrong next chapter, or the next, or all 35 that come after that, but I’ve seen many people talking about how they are completely sure that Sasha is definitely alive and kicking, and while I agree in many points I also have seen a lot of evidence, especially when it comes to the narrative, that would point to the contrary. It honestly crushes my heart to think that we have more than thirty weeks of content ahead of us and many people will keep the hope that this amazing character is still alive but would end up having said hopes utterly crushed by the end of it. But I can also see where you’re all coming from and can see why you would think that way, so I wanted to present what evidence and conjectures of my own I had on the topic. If you’ve gotten this far I want to thank you for joining me in this attempt at a presentation or...expose? Feel free to add any other points that you think or believe would favor one end or the other and I hope you had a good time while reading this. Love you all <3

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chickensarentcheap · 4 years

Text

Sanctuary - Chapter 14

Warnings: a tiny bit of angst and unrequited love/lust.

Tagging: @alievans007, @c-a-v-a-l-r-y, @innerpaperexpertcloud, @valkyrie-of-the-light

He sits with Nik on the back deck, nursing a bottle of beer while she sips a sangria. Both watching through the lenses of their sunglasses as Esme -with the baby on her hip- teaches a squeamish Yaz how to feed and tend to the chickens and goats. The latter bitches and groans in a combination of disgust and discomfort while Esme good naturedly teases him; her laughter floating on the breeze. Noticing the amount of patience she shows when the older kids interrupt or ask for her attention; the smile on her face and the kisses and the cuddles she gives, the bright eyed interest and enthusiasm she shows over even the smallest and most trivial of things. And Tyler can’t help but smile as he watches her with them. The love of his life and the beautiful little beings they have managed to create together.

“She’s a good mom,” Nik comments, her glass pressed to her lips.

“She’s an amazing mom. I’m lucky. They’re lucky. I never have to worry about them when they’re with her. Even when I’m thousands of miles away. There’s nothing she wouldn’t do for them.”

“Or for you,” Nik adds, and he nods as his smile broadens. “It’s strange,” she continues. “Seeing her like this. As a mom. As a wife, even. Considering I know what her life was like before you.”

It is a startling change. From an almost nomad like existence to a home of her own. Years of travelling from place to place throughout North America, going wherever the demands of the job took her. Never forming bonds of relationships. Always unsettled and searching for more but never quite finding that one place that made her mind, body, and soul feel content and relaxed.

The past…her past is behind her now. She’s genuinely happy. At peace with the decisions she’s made and the path she’s taken to get where she is. Enjoying being rooted to one place and the life that comes with being a wife and a mother. Thriving on the routine, the domesticity, the stability. No more living out of suitcases and never quite knowing where life would take her, where she’d lay her head at night.

“And the same goes for you,” she gives him a backhand slap to the knee. “This isn’t exactly the future I saw for you.”

“It isn’t exactly the future I saw for myself,” he admits.

Six years ago, he’d been drowning himself in booze and prescription meds in an a vain attempt to quiet the demons and numb the both the physical and mental pain. Painfully close to just putting a gun to his head and ending it all. Living in that dump in the outback with nothing but a chicken, dog, and the monsters in his own closet keeping him company. He had convinced himself that he was happy that way. Alone. Secluded. And it hadn’t been until those five days in that shit hole motel room in Dhaka that he’d realized just how miserable he actually was. Just how desperate he had become to fill that gapping and festering hole in both his life and his heart.

And she’d been there. Just as broken and battered as he was. Maybe it was a relationship that had been built on need and desperation. Maybe it hadn’t been the perfect start to things. People talk about love at first sight, but it was far from that. It was lust. A primal and animalistic need to use and be used. Neither of them actually looking for something more than that, but not exactly fighting the feelings that began to take hold yet neither would openly admit to.

It took five days for him to want more. To actually consider that it may be just more than two needy people settling for what was right in front of them. But it would take months for him to realize that he was in love with her and wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. When she’d been six months pregnant with his daughter and they were struggling to getting used to living under the same roof. Discovering all the things they liked about one another and those that drove them absolutely insane.

He’d just looked at her one morning and it had been as if a light switch had been flicked on for the first time. Seeing her standing in front of the full-length mirror on the back of the bathroom door, a frown on her face and a hand on either side of her stomach. She’d hated the way she’d looked; overnight her baby bump just seemed to take over and none of her clothes fit and she’d been relegated to wearing a pair of stretchy leggings and one of his t-shirts.

“Don’t stare at me,” she’d all but pleaded, dangerously close to tears. She had despised the way her body looked while simultaneously loving the way the baby moved and kicked. Excited yet absolutely terrified at the same time at the thought of becoming a mother. “I look hideous.”

To him, she’d been the most beautiful thing in the entire world. And he’d told her so. What could possibly be more beautiful than seeing someone grow bigger with your child? There was a sense of pride and accomplishment in it; knowing that you were responsible -at least partly- for that little human being that was thriving and growing inside of someone. And he’d stood behind her, his hands settling on hers as they rested on her belly, a grin on his face as their child…his child…moved inside of her.

“Marry me.”

That’s all it had been. Two simple words. There’d been no ring. No grand gesture. No getting down on one knee. Just those words and the two of them and their unborn baby, standing there in that bathroom.

After that, he’d made sure he told her he loved her as often as possible. He never wanted her to forget. Never wanted her to think that he was with her out of a sense of obligation and not because he truly wanted to be with her.

“It looks good on you, Tyler,” Nik says. “This kind of life. It’s done a world of good for you. She’s done a world of good for you.”

He knows it pains her to say that out loud. That there’s still some lingering bitterness hanging in the air. Nik had wanted more, he hadn’t. And he’d known he never would. They were far better as friends than they’d ever been as lovers. Even now, if he was single, he wouldn’t be able to give her what she wanted. What she deserved. He simply wasn’t the person for her. No matter how badly she wanted him to be.

“You know,” he stretches out his legs, placing one foot on the deck railing. “You could have this, Nik.”

She smirks. “How bold of you to assume I want this.”

“I don’t mean that. I don’t mean this exact life. This exact place. And I don’t mean me. I mean this kind of existence. A place to call home. A husband. Kids.”

“I’d rather just spoil your kids rotten and then leave you to deal with them. This is the life you wanted, Tyler. The life you deserved. And you found someone that could give you that. Or someone that you actually wanted all of that with.”

Her words…and the implications…hang in the air between them.

“We talked about this,” he says. “More than once.”

“I give you an option.”

“But my answer wasn’t the one you wanted to hear, was it. I wasn’t in a good place at the time, Nik. I wouldn’t have been good for you. I wasn’t even good for myself.”

“And now?”

“And now I’m a married man with four kids. And we are not having this conversation with my wife a hundred meters away. I’m not going to disrespect her like that. You’re not going to disrespect her like that.”

She’d been hopeful. That things wouldn’t pan out between him and Esme. That they’d get maybe six months to a year of marriage under their belts before deciding that it was a mistake. That he’d admit that he’d been lonely and needy and desperate and latched onto her out of necessity, not actual love. But then the twins had come along, and things only seemed to grow stronger between them. Even when Tyler had gotten back into the game without even telling his wife about it, it hadn’t been enough to break them.

Their bond is powerful. Unbreakable. A force to be reckoned with.

“You’re friends,” he says, and sips his beer.

“So are we.”

“And that’s all we’re ever going to be.”

She blinks at the harsh honesty of his statement.

“I love my wife, Nik. I love my children. I love the life I have. And I’m sorry if that’s not what you want to hear. I’m sorry if that hurts your feelings. But it’s not going to happen. It was never going to happen. Even if Esme never came into the picture. Even if I’d never met her.”

She nods slowly, letting his words sink in. It wasn’t the first time where’d she suggested it. That she could be there for him in ways that maybe his wife couldn’t. She knows that they fight a lot; two ferociously stubborn and temperamental people. She could be the person he could turn to when things got tough. Or when he was tired of the ‘same old, same old’ and wanted a change of pace. A different body to explore and experience. And every time he looks at her as if she’s gone insane. That it’s the most disgusting thing he’s ever heard.

“I’m not going to cheat on my wife, Nik. I’ve told you that how many times already? It’s not going to change.”

She opens her mouth to respond, but changes her mind when Millie comes bounding onto the deck and climbs into her father’s lap. She’s a precious little thing; long and lanky with unruly light brown hair and enormous blue eyes framed by dark, impossibly long lashes. Her father’s mini me. The appearance, the facial expressions, the mannerisms. The way she smiles and laughs. And Nik watches them together; the kisses and the cuddles that are exchanged, the way those large, powerful hands -so capable of inflicting unspeakable punishment and even death- gently removes brightly coloured plastic barrettes and fixes wayward strands of hair and snaps the little holders back in place.

It is surreal in a sense; this strong, powerful man exhibiting such tenderness and care. He’s a good dad; Nik can’t deny that. Patient and nurturing, making up for all of the things that he hadn’t been given growing up. And his smiles are soft and genuine. His voice lighter.

“You were definitely made to be a girl dad,” she remarks, and he gives a little chuckle, one of the plastic hair clips open, one end between his teeth as his hands gather up some of his daughter’s thick locks. She knows that being a father to boys has been much easier on him; they’re rough and tumble, like him. But he excels in taking care of that little girl. “You make it look so easy.”

“We just go with it, right Millie?” he finishes fixing her hair and tickles her stomach. “We just keep on, keeping on, yeah?”

She nods in agreement, kneeling on his thighs and giving him a noisy kiss before flopping down onto his lap. Moving herself onto her side, she tucks her knees into her chest and rests her head against him. Those big blue eyes riveted on Nik. A scowl on that sweet little face. There’s uneasiness in her expression. Distrust, even.

“Auntie Nik?” she asks, and Nik glances over at her.

“You’re here to take daddy away, aren’t you.”

It’s a statement. Not a question.

“No one’s taking me away,” Tyler assures her, dropping a kiss on the top of her head and then running a finger on the bottom of one of her bare feet. The tickling sensation enough to get at least a small smile out of her. “We talked about this. I already told you that Auntie Nik was just coming to visit.”

“I don’t want you to take daddy away,” Millie continues. “He was just gone for a really long time. Get someone else to go and fight the bad guys. Someone else’s daddy.”

“No one’s daddy is going anywhere,” he promises.

“He’s my daddy,” it sounds as if she may cry. “Not anyone else’s. You can’t have him.”

“Amelia…” he uses her full name, voice gentle yet stern, and when she tips her head back to look at him, he gives a reassuring smile and kisses the tip of her nose. “…no one is here to take me away. They’re just here to visit. That’s it.”

“I don’t want you going to fight the bad guys,” her lower lip wobbles, tears sparkling in her eyes. “What if the bad guys hurt you? What if you don’t come back?”

“I’m not going anywhere,” he repeats. “I already told you that. And if I was, nothing could stop me from coming home. To you and your mom and your brothers.”

“And Macaroni too?”

“Yes. Even Mac.”

“That’s not his name, daddy,” she scolds, and Nik can’t help but grin. There’s something so sweet and pure about the way she says it. It’s a simple five letter word. But Nik can tell that to Tyler, it means the world. That there’s no greater title in his mind than daddy.

“Even Macaroni,” he pushes her hair off her brow, presses his kiss to the smooth skin. “We already talked about this, remember? About the bad guys?”

She nods.

“The bad guys don’t stand a chance against me. Nothing could stop me from coming home. You’ve got nothing to worry about, okay?”

Another nod, and she pecks his lips and then settles against his once more. Cheek against his chest, a thumb shoved in her mouth. Resisting when he removes it not once, but twice.

“I’ll chop it off,” he warns.

“No…” she shakes her head. “…you won’t. Mommy would be mad at you.”

“You think I’m not used to that by now? She’s always mad at me about something,” he gently takes her by the wrist and pulls her hand away from her face. “Enough. You’re a big girl now. Big girls don’t suck their thumbs. Do you think princesses suck their thumbs?”

She nods.

“I can guarantee you they don’t. You’re not a baby. Declan’s a baby and even he doesn’t suck his thumb.”

“He has a soother,” she reasons.

“Do you want me to ask him to go borrow it? You can use that instead of your thumb?”

She frowns.

“Exactly. Because soothers are for babies and you’re not a baby. Stop,” he removes her hand once again. “Just stop.”

She relents. Abandoning her thumb in lieu or reaching up and taking hold of one of his ears. Taking the edge between her thumb and forefinger and gently rubbing it. A habit she’d developed as a baby, when he’d feed her in the middle of the night and she’d use stroking his ear to soothe herself back to sleep. A harmless, yet remarkably successfully little trick she’d taught herself.

Five years later it still works. Within minutes she’s lulled to sleep by the feel of his skin under her fingertips and the beating off his heart against her, her arms falling slack at her sides.

Nik sets her drink on the deck, standing long enough to slip out of her sweater and drape it over the little girl’s sleeping form. Playfully and affectionately tousling Tyler’s hair when he gives her a smile and a wink of gratitude.

“There’ll be hell to pay if anyone dares try and take her daddy away,” Nik grins, sipping her drink.

“Yeah…she’s a little…protective.”

“I wonder where she gets that from,” she winks at him. “You’ve become quite protective in your old age. Since becoming a husband and a father.”

Sometimes he wonders if he’s too protective. If it borders on being controlling and possessive. But there is good reason to be the way he is; the choices of the pasts and the toes that he’s stepped on and the enemies he’s made.

“She had a nightmare the other night,” Tyler says, as he carefully adjusts his hold on Millie; her body still pressed tightly against him, legs stretched out across him, her head now cradled in the crook of his arm. “About the bad guys.”

“The bad guys?”

“Ovi told her what I do for a living. When I’m not home. He didn’t do it to cause issues and I know that. But I still want to strangle him. It caused a whole world of shit. Nightmares, sucking her thumb, not wanting to sleep in her own bed.”

“She’s worried. She loves her daddy. She doesn’t want anything bad happening to you. She’s still a baby, Tyler. You can’t blame her for acting like one. Look at her…” she reaches over and pushes hair away from Millie’s face. “…she’s just so perfect, isn’t she? Who knew that someone like you could make something like this.”

He grins. “Are you calling me ugly?”

“You know what I meant. The old Tyler never would have had this chance. He never would have allowed himself to have all of this. And you let your guard down. All those walls that you built up. You let someone tear them all down. And now look at you. Look what you’ve done. You’ve managed to create a life. A perfect little human being. Four perfect little human beings.”

“If one good thing came out of the shitty Dhaka mess, it was her. It’s weird. Things were so fucked up and so messy yet in the middle of all that, Esme and I made her.”

“You guys should have another one. Or two.”

He chuckles. “I thought you hated kids.”

“I do not hate kids. I love kids. Other peoples’ kids. Especially your kids. But that doesn’t mean I feel an overwhelming need to have my own. But you and Esme are good at it. You’re amazing parents. Not to mention you two make insanely beautiful babies.”

“Yeah…” he smiles down at his sleeping daughter. “…it’s one of the things we’re good at, I guess. Well, that and the actual making of babies.”

She snorts.

“We want another one,” he says. “We’re trying. Actively.”

“Going to Ireland puts a wrench in things, don’t you think.”

“I’m coming back, Nik. I can help make babies when I get back. And just…” he places a finger against his lips. “…none of the kids know. And I want to keep it that way for now.”

“You leave in twenty-four hours,” she points out.

“Which means I have about twenty-three hours and fifty minutes before I have to tell them.”

“Tyler…” she sighs.

“All hell is going to break loose when I do. The boys are going to lose their shit. And Millie…” he adjusts the sweater keeping her warm. “…well it’s not going to be pretty. I need time, Nik. Time with them and time with my wife.”

She nods in agreement, reaching out to squeeze his shoulder in a symbolic gesture of understanding and comfort.

“Everything is going to be fine,” she assures him. “You’re going to get back here in one piece. You always do.”

“There’s always that one time where things can really fuck up,” he reasons, and noisily clears his throat. The emotion raw. Powerful.

It’s the first time where he’s been this obsessed over the thought of something going wrong. The thought is always there; tucked into the back of your mind. But this time it’s all consuming.

The fear that this time things are going to go so goddamn bad that there isn’t going to be a way out.

****

After dinner they lounge in plastic lawn chairs around a campfire. Leaving Ovi and Chloe in charge of the kids inside; movies, junk food, a fort made out of the sheets and couch cushions in the living room. Tyler can feel his buzz; he’d long ago lost track of exactly how many beers and cups of Sangria he’d consumed, but he does distinctly remember Yaz bringing out a rare bottle of tequila that he’d purchased in El Salvador and just felt the need to share.

He’s not drunk. He remembers that feeling all to well. He’d spent years in a near constant drunken stupor. But he’s relaxed. His mind is fuzzy. Like being underwater and hearing voices around you but not quite able to make out what they’re saying. And the fire is mesmerizing; eyes riveted on the flickering of the orange and yellow flames, lulled further into a state of comfort by both the sight and the heat that the fire is giving off.

“That is not how I remember it Yaz,” Esme is saying, as she sits down on the ground in front of Tyler, wearing a pair of faded old sweats and one of his hoodies, a ball cap on her head. And he’s vaguely aware of the weight of her body as she leans back against his legs. “That girl was in no way over eighteen.”

“She said she was twenty-three!” Yaz argues.

“She had a Hello Kitty backpack and a purple sparkly eye shadow,” Nik points out.

“See! See!” Esme gestures at her friend with the drink in her hand. “You knew it too! It was so obvious! That is just so nasty, Yaz. Every time I think about it, I want to puke.”

“I didn’t know she was that young! I obviously wouldn’t have made a move if she was!”

Tyler can barely remember the incident they’re talking about. The last time they’d all taken a vacation together. Before Declan was even conceived. They’d left Millie and the twins with Esme’s folks and had taken off to Cuba. He thinks he can remember the girl in question; overly permed hair, jean shorts that barely covered her ass, a bikini top. It’s all a blur, even when he is one hundred percent sober. The tequila had flowed nonstop that night.

He does remember dragging his wife off to the bathroom and fucking her in one of the stalls though. Much to the dismay of the people banging on the door who needed to get in to take a leak.

“Your taste in women is questionable regardless of their age,” Nik remarks. “Which is probably why you’re still single.”

“Too many bar sluts,” Esme reasons. “You can’t turn a whore into a housewife.”

“I don’t know about that,” Yaz smirks. “Tyler did it with you.”

“Oh you did not!” she shrieks and tosses an empty plastic cup at him while Nik slaps him upside the head. “I will kick your ass! I will kill you in your sleep! I know where you live, Yaz!”

As brother and sister bicker back and forth, Tyler lays his hands on his wife’s shoulders, kneading the taut and tense muscles. She’s put on a good show all day; laughing and chattering and joking around, no doubt the amount of booze she’s consumed playing a huge role in her ability to cope. He knows it is haunting her. His inevitable departure. That she’s counting down every hour…maybe even minute… until he’s walking about the front door.

She tilts her head back and smiles up at him. “You okay? You’re really quiet. More quiet than usual.”

“I’m okay,” he assures her, and removing the ball cap from her head, turns it backwards so her lips are easily accessible; leaning over her to cover her mouth with his in a long, slow, deep kiss.

“Yeah, we don’t need to see this!” Yaz exclaims. “You want to bang, go do it inside.”

“Don’t be salty,” Esme retorts. “Just because you’ve had to resort to this…” she makes a jerking off motion with her left hand. “…for months.”

“It’s only been weeks,” he argues.

“You lie!” Nik chimes in. “It’s been months. Don’t listen to him. It’s been at least two.”

“How the hell would you know? You’re my sister! You don’t know anything about my sex life.”

“First off, we live together. Second, the walls are extremely thin. I know more than you realize, lonely boy.”

Everyone laughs at his expense, then silence falls upon the group. Eyes all riveted on the fire in front of them, each lost in their own little word of thoughts and worries. Esme brings her hands up to rest on Tyler’s, pressing a kiss to the inside of his wrist before slipping her fingers through his.

“So what are you really doing here, Nik?” he asks. “You said there was something we needed to talk about.”

“A business proposition. From both Yaz and I.”

Esme shifts uncomfortably in front of him and grabs his beer -sitting in the grass alongside his chair- and takes a swig.

“What kind of business proposition?”

“We are expanding,” Yaz explains. “Into North America.”

“Business is that good?”

Nik nods. “Business has been booming. Especially since Dhaka.”

“Yeah, I can see how someone nearly dying an extremely bloody and gruesome public death could drive up the numbers,” Esme remarks, and her husband tightens his hold on her shoulders in an effort to keep her calm.

“We don’t have the manpower that we need to make it successful,” Nik continues. “Yaz and I need to keep working on things on the international end.”

“So hire more people,” Tyler says. “What do I have to do with it?”

“We need someone that we can trust running things over here,” Yaz comments. “Someone that knows how the business runs. So has actually experience being out on the streets, right in the thick of things. Someone who hasn’t just talked the walk, but walked the walk.”

“We need someone…we want someone…that those we hire aspire to be like,” Nik adds. “Someone they both fear and respect. Someone they know they can trust and rely on because they know what it’s like to be out there, putting their ass on the line.”

“We want you to run things over here,” Yaz says. “You’re the best person for the job. Everyone knows who you are. They’ve all heard the stories. Seen the numbers. They all know what you’re capable of.”

“And you take no shit,” his sister adds. “You’re assertive and aggressive and you won’t back down or take no for an answer. That’s what we need.”

Tyler smirks. “I’m not a boss, Nik. Far from it. I work better on my own and you know it.”

“You’re perfect for this,” she argues. “You know the ins and the outs. You’ve been doing the job for years. You’re the most successful and feared mercenary we have. Which is what makes you so good for this. And you’ve got leadership skills. You were a lieutenant in the army, after all.”

“And you have kids,” Yaz pipes up. “That’s like being a boss.”

Tyler laughs. “There’s a huge difference between taking care of kids and babysitting adults. And the last thing I want to be doing is holding someone’s hand or coddling them through a mission. I wipe dirty asses and snotty noses at home. I don’t need to be doing it at work too.”

“That’s why we’d trust you to train them,” Nik tells him. “Or find the right people to help train them. We’d set everything up. A proper office, facilities, access to weapons and ammunition, technology. Everything you’d need. Esme could even help.”

“Leave me out of this,” Esme says. “Those days are long behind me. I’d much rather just stay doing what I’m doing and be blissfully ignorant when it comes to what the three of you are up do.”

“We know how to use the weapons but you know everything there is to know about how they’re put together and what makes them work,” Nik points out. “If anyone can help build an effective arsenal, it’s you. You’ve got the knowledge and the hands on experience.”

“She has a point,” Tyler says, as much as it pains him to admit it. The thought of her getting back in the game in any respect is disheartening. Even if it is just behind the scenes. Any connection to the job, indirectly or directly, puts her, and especially, the kids more at risk.

She tips her head back to regard her husband. “You’re actually considering this?”

“There’d be more time at home,” Nik tells them. “We can build something right here. Or even in Denver. Somewhere close enough that you’re not gone for days or weeks at a time.”

“So he wouldn’t have to actually go out on a job?” Esme inquires.

“Only if he was desperately needed. If things completely fall apart on a mission and there’s no other choice. We need you to run the operation, Tyler. To get it off the ground and keep it there. Esme knows intel. She can get the word out there.”

“Esme would prefer not to be volunteered at this time,” Esme pipes up. “Until Esme hears everything that needs to be heard.”

“You have more feelers out there than anyone I know,” Nik reminds her. “You know things…people…that I’d never encountered before in the years I’ve been doing this. You’ve built relationships with people.”

“No, what I’ve done is lie to people and trick people into thinking we had a relationship. Half my connections aren’t even in the game anymore. They’re either dead or they’ve moved on to bigger and better things. Or just decided to have normal lives.”

“Which means half of your people are still out there,” Yaz tosses out. “You’ve still got connections out there.”

“Connections I haven’t spoken to in five years. It isn’t as easy as you all think it is. It isn’t as simple as picking up the phone and calling people and touching base with them. It doesn’t work that way. Any trust these people had in me is gone. I totally ghosted them and practically disappeared off the face of the earth. They aren’t going to just blindly trust me after five years. And it’s dangerously naïve to think otherwise.”

“But essentially you could do it,” Nik points out. “Or at least try.”

“I’ve burnt a lot of bridges. Ones that definitely can not and should not be repaired. This is dangerous, Nik. Just putting myself back out there. If I was the person I was six years ago, I’d say I’m in. No questions asked. But I have a lot to lose. I’ve got four kids that need me. And if I cross the wrong person, it won’t end well.”

“That’s where Tyler comes in,” Yaz says. “To make sure that kind of thing doesn’t happen. He’s more than capable of protecting you. Of protecting all of you.”

“But he shouldn’t have to, Yaz, That’s my point. Some of these people…these people that trusted me…are not the kind of people you want to fuck with. When I ghosted them, I essentially betrayed them. I just can’t call them and be like ‘hey…here I am! Remember me? Tell me everything I’ve missed in five years!’. It does not work that way. They would kill me before they ever told me another thing. I spent weeks…months…with some of these people. Worming my way into their lives, getting them to trust me, making them open up. These are powerful people, Nik. Scary people. And the things they’ve told me, they would kill over. No questions asked. So you can’t just throw me back in and expect that to happen.”

“But you could try,” Tyler speaks up. “You could gradually get back into things and put the feelers out there.”

“Okay, I don’t think any of you are grasping the seriousness of what I’m saying. It’s one thing to go in and kick some ass and totally humiliate the Amir Asif’s of the world. It’s another to completely betray them. To know their deepest and darkest secrets and use them against them. And I’m surprised you…” she squeezes her husband’s hand. “…are even considering getting me involved. Because you’re the one who distinctly told me that you liked having me at home to take care of things on this end and raise the kids. That’s what you wanted. A housewife.”

“It wouldn’t be a full time thing,” he responds. “Just when you’re needed. And you don’t even have to leave the house to do it. I just get you a secure line and that’s it. So no one can trace the calls back to here.”

“It’s not as simple as you think it is, Tyler. These things take time. I have to build entirely new connections. I have to try and rebuild ones I’ve lost without getting myself killed. Without our kids killed. Your kids.”

“Like Yaz said, I’m more than capable of protecting all of you. And if I’m home more, then you wouldn’t have to worry about being alone here with them.”

“Okay…hold up a second…Nik…Yaz…cover your ears…” she turns around to face him. “…ummm excuse me, but did we not just agree to have another baby? Because I specifically remember giving in to your request.”

“That doesn’t need to change. You wouldn’t be putting yourself in physical danger.”

“You don’t know what some of these people are capable of.”

“I’ve seen…first hand…what some of these people are capable of. Five years ago, especially. Or are we just conveniently forgetting about that?”

“This is different. These people…when they’re betrayed…they are monsters, Tyler. They are beyond reproach. They won’t balk at killing me or your kids. They are very good at very revenge. You don’t realize exactly what you’re asking me to do.”

“I’m asking you to trust me.”

“I do trust you. But I don’t think you’re fully grasping the seriousness of this. How can you guarantee that nothing will happen?”

“Because it won’t. Not while I’m here. And you heard Nik. I’d only have to go out on a job if things fuck up.”

“Oh you mean like just recently when you were supposed to home after four days and didn’t get back for fourteen? You mean that kind of fuck up?”

“There won’t be any fuck ups if I’m running things.”

“I’m sorry, I love you, but that is dangerously arrogant and you know it. I said I was fine with you going to Ireland. I’m even fine with you running things for Nik. But I’m not okay with you just throwing me to the wolves like this.”

“I’m not…”

“I need time,” she says, as she turns back to face the others. “This isn’t a decision I can make lightly. I need time to think and I need time to talk about this with Tyler. Even if he doesn’t think we need to talk about anything anymore.”

He sighs.

“How long do you need?” Nik asks.

“How long can you give me?” Esme counters.

“I want to have things up and running in a month. I can give you a week. Two tops.”

“Fine,” she reluctantly agrees.

Two weeks. Fourteen days. A tiny fraction of time in which to make a decision that could either make or break your entire life.

#tyler rake #tyler rake fan fic #tyler rake fan fiction #sanctuary #extraction #chris hemsworth characters

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takerfoxx · 5 years

Text

RD Walpurgis Nights 7: Part 5

“Well,” Ophelia said. “That sounds…problematic. I take it you guys didn’t really talk much after that?”

Homulilly shook her head. “N-No. It was miserable.”

…

Two days ago…

Homulilly woke up.

She was sort of crammed alone one edge of the bed, facing the wall. Furthermore, Gretchen’s arms weren’t wrapped around her waist like they usually were, nor did she feel Gretchen’s warm breath around her ear.

She could hear Gretchen breathing though. Homulilly carefully turned her head to look over her shoulder. Gretchen was lying next to her, but turned away from her and close to the other end of the bed.

Homulilly felt a lump build in her throat. She turned back away from her and stared at the wall.

The alarm went off a few moments later. Neither of them moved.

Then Gretchen sighed and turned it off. She sat up and slipped off the bed.

Normally the two would give each other a good morning kiss and rise together. They would dress together, take turns using the restroom, and touch each other up. They were help each other pack for the school day and go off together to breakfast.

Today Homulilly remained where she was as she listened to the patter of Gretchen’s legs as she moved about the room, changing clothes and getting her school supplies together.

Then all sound of movement stopped. Homulilly was still facing the wall, but she sensed that Gretchen was standing over her.

“Homulilly-chan,” Gretchen said in a small voice. “Can we talk now? Please?”

Homulilly tensed up, but she didn’t turn toward her.

“Homulilly-chan?”

Still no answer.

A long, heavy silence followed, and then Gretchen sighed and left the room, softly closing the door behind her. It was only when Homulilly was certain that she wasn’t coming back that she finally got up.

…

Then…

“Seriously?” Ophelia said. “You wouldn’t even talk to her?”

“I know, I know,” Homulilly said, her voice choking up. “I just couldn’t face her.”

“Who were you actually mad at? Her or yourself?”

Homulilly was silent for a bit. Then she said, “It…changed around a lot.”

…

Then…

Gretchen didn’t come home that night.

Well, of course she didn’t. There was still a couple more meetings left! So of course she would want to spend time with her cool friends!

Homulilly paced back and forth across their dorm, hands wringing as she muttered endlessly under her breath. She hadn’t gotten so much as an invitation to return that night. Of course she would’ve said no, but it would’ve been nice to be given the opportunity to say no! The fact that Gretchen hadn’t invited her meant that she didn’t even want her there, that Homulilly would get in the way off all her cool new friends.

Well, okay, so Homulilly had made a fool of herself the last time. But still, she could at least ask!

Homulilly ought to go over there anyway. Just…show up, and let them deal with her! What were they going to do, kick her out? It’s like Mitty said, they weren’t checking ID’s. It was a free afterlife, she could do what she wanted.

Except…there were several of them, and they were all older and stronger than she was. Plus, Jalaga was there, and Homulilly had already kind of offended her. Jalaga could pick her up and throw her clear over the building if she wanted to. And then word would spread across the school and everyone would be laughing at her and…

Homulilly just went to bed.

…

One day ago…

Again Gretchen had come home late. Again they hadn’t talked when she did. And again neither of them said anything to each other the next morning.

That would be bad enough. Having the one thing that made her second life worth living taken away was more than enough to make everything awful.

But of course, on the last day before the festival, they had an Algebra quiz.

Because of course they did.

Again Homulilly stared down at the equations she was supposed to solve. She tried to think back to the help Ophelia had given her and remember how she had walked her through how to do the formulas. Right, what was the order again? She was pretty sure she was supposed to start with…

…of course she wouldn’t be in this mess if Gretchen hadn’t left her for her new friends. They’d have already worked together to study for the quiz and at least had something of grasp on the material. Instead, Homulilly had spent yesterday evening alone and angry.

Homulilly glanced to her side. Gretchen was staring down at her own paper, looking totally lost. Well, served her right!

Shaking her head, Homulilly tried to concentrate. No, she couldn’t let herself get swept up. She could be angry later. For now she had a quiz to finish.

…which was really stupid, if one thought about it. The festival was tomorrow, and that terrifying field trip had only been a few days ago. How was anyone supposed to concentrate with all that hanging over their heads?

It wasn’t fair. They ought to at least postpone the quiz until the next week, or not have it at all! It wasn’t like Homulilly wanted to become an engineer like Ophelia was, or anything involving more than basic addition and subtraction.

Then again, what did she know? She had no idea what she wanted to be. She had no idea who she really was either! Because apparently she was super boring with no real hobbies and skills. Maybe that was why Gretchen had stopped spending time with her. Homulilly was boring, Mitty wasn’t. And when Homulilly had tried to make herself interesting, she had ended up embarrassing them both!

Right, right, forget it. Later, she had to worry about that later. Power her way through the quiz now, then she could think bad things about people. All right, what she had to do was…

…actually, now that she thought about, it really was the stupid festival’s fault. If it wasn’t happening, then Gretchen wouldn’t have wanted to join the planning committee, and then she wouldn’t have met Mitty, and everything would be normal! No fights, no lonely nights, none of that!

In fact, the field trip was also to blame! That was what got Homulilly so scared and messed up, right? Why did they have to happen the same week? Did they do this on purpose, to weed out the weak?

No, that was dumb. It was just coincidence. Right?

Then Homulilly felt a pair of eyes on her. She glanced over and saw Gretchen eyeing her. As soon as she saw Homulilly look over Gretchen quickly averted her gaze and pretended to focus on her paper.

Homulilly let her eyes linger on her a little long before looking away. What was she looking at? Was she happy that Homulilly was struggling? Well, let her! It wasn’t like everyone else wasn’t-

“Time’s up!” announced Ms. Ishii, the teacher. “Pencils down, and everyone pass your papers to the front!”

Homulilly jerked up straight. Wait, time was up? How could time be up? They had just started, hadn’t they? Surely it couldn’t be over!

But it was. And as Homulilly looked down in despair, she realized that she hadn’t answered a single question.

…

Now…

“It just kept eating at me,” Homulilly said. “Every time I tried to do something else, every time I tried to focus on anything, I just keep going back to it and going back to it and going back to it…”

Ophelia pursed her lips. “Did you try, you know, just going up to Gretchen and finally getting everything out? I mean, it’s clear she wanted to talk to you.”

“I…I almost did,” Homulilly said, her shoulders slumping. “Later that night. When I was in our dorm. Alone.”

“So…”

“I didn’t.”

…

Then…

Homulilly wasn’t sure how much more of this she could take.

She sat on the side of the bed, her phone sitting next to her. Her anger had pretty much exhausted itself out, and now she just felt tired.

She had to end this. She had to stop shutting Gretchen out and talk to her. Another evening alone would be Hell.

Her fingers clenched and unclenched, while the petals of her flower mirrored the motions. Okay. Come on, she could do this.

Homulilly grabbed up her phone and brought up her contacts. She moved her finger over Gretchen’s to make the call.

But she didn’t.

What was she going to say?

That she was angry? That she wanted Gretchen to stop hanging around Mitty? That…that she wasn’t good enough for Gretchen and she should just go with Mitty?

No. No, she couldn’t call. The words would just get caught in her throat.

A message then. She could explain herself better through writing it out.

She started one, but that came off as sounding too pathetic, so she discarded it and started over.

She tried again, but it came off as too angry, so that one was thrown out.

Again, but it was too passive-aggressive.

Again, but it was too groveling.

Again, but it was all over the place.

She kept writing and discarding, rewriting and discarding, rewriting and discarding, but nothing felt right.

Finally she just wrote, I miss you.

But before she could hit send, a message from Gretchen popped up, and her breath caught in her throat.

It read, I’m spending the night in Jada’s room.

That was it. No explanation as to why, nothing about Mitty, nothing about the problems between them. Just that.

A thousand different responses flew through Homulilly’s mind, each one coming from a completely different place, each one almost guaranteed to lead to somewhere incredibly emotional.

But instead, she just erased the message she was going to send and wrote was, Okay.

That was it. Just a simple acknowledgement.

And so, nothing was solved.

Homulilly let her phone drop. She fell back onto the bed and stared up at the ceiling. Funny, she had never really noticed how much room there was on the bed, but now that she was the only one on it, it was hard to ignore. She could roll this was and that way and not wake anyone up.

Her eyes filled with tears.

…

That morning…

The day of the Cultural Exchange Festival had arrived, and Homulilly’s mood couldn’t be fouler.

Things hadn’t gotten better. Gretchen hadn’t contacted her that morning, so Homulilly had gotten up and gotten ready alone.

Unfortunately, the universe was not about to give her a break. The festival was a three-day affair, from Friday to Sunday, and as a result there were no school on Friday. Which, under normal circumstances, would be great, but since Gretchen had to be with the planning committee all day to oversee that stupid dance, Homulilly had to spend the whole day by herself, with not even class to distract herself.

Much like it had been the last few years since her arrival, she spent the day with the rest of her class, led around the city learn about the various cultures, first that of Earth, then of their nonhuman neighbors. Practically all of Freehaven was dressed up for the day, and it seemed like every block was either from a different country or a different planet, with decorations put up to simulate the traditions of each. And to be honest, sometimes the Earth cultures were just as fascinating as those from across the stars.

In previous years, Homulilly had been enthralled. She and Gretchen had stood side-by-side, gaping along with everyone else as they were introduced to fantastical creatures that looked like they had stepped out of the pages of a science fiction novel, watched and listened as those creatures shared their world with them. It had been a truly magical experience.

Not so much anymore. As everyone else oohed and aahed, Homulilly sulked in the back, hands in her jacket pockets and head down. She kept checking her phone, looking to see if Gretchen had sent any kind of message, all the while not sure if she wanted her to or was dreading it.

Finally lunch time rolled around, and Homulilly had had enough. She had gone through three days without Gretchen, and it was just making her miserable. She didn’t care if she got yelled at, they were going to settle things right then and there.

She opened her phone to send Gretchen a message, but then stopped. No. No, this wasn’t something they could do through something so impersonal. It had to be done in person.

As everyone gathered into their little groups in the table area, Homulilly stole away. Gretchen would be in the plaza, where the dance would be held. At least she hoped she was in the plaza. If she got there and it turned out that Gretchen had left, then she would probably scream.

Well, okay, so she could just call then and set up a meeting. But what if Gretchen didn’t answer? What if her phone was off? Or worse, what if she rejected Homulilly’s call? Homulilly had pretty much shut her down every time she tried to talk over the last few days, so it wasn’t like she wouldn’t have good reason to.

As those thoughts churned in her head, changing anger to fear, Homulilly quickened her step, so that by the time she reached the front of the building, she was practically running.

Then she stopped dead in her tracks.

Gretchen was there. Homulilly could see her clear across the plaza.

But Gretchen wasn’t just milling about. Nor did she seem as upset as Homulilly was.

Rather, she was in the dance circle. And not in the dance circle setting up various odds and ends like she was the last time.

Rather, she was in the dance circle using it for its intended purpose. She was dancing, and quite enthusiastically at that.

But she wasn’t doing it alone. Oh no, she had a partner, a partner that had her by the waist and was holding her quite close.

And that partner was Mitty.

…

Now…

Ophelia let out a long, slow whistle. “Wow, okay. That one…that one actually looks pretty bad.”

“That’s what I thought too,” Homulilly said. “I mean, why wouldn’t I? They were dancing together all sexy like!”

“Yeah,” Ophelia said. “Yeah, I guess-”

Right about then several fireworks went off over their heads, startling them both. And given that they had magic to work with, these fireworks resembled less of pretty, colorful bursts of light and sound and more of the coming of Judgement Day, albeit a very colorful Judgement day.

Ophelia waited until everything died down before saying, “So, did you confront them?”

Homulilly shook her head. “No. Not then. I just turned around and walked away.”

“And…it simmered until tonight.”

“Yeah,” Homulilly sighed. “Yeah.”

…

About an hour ago…

Night had come, the day was dead, and Homulilly wanted to kick something.

The guided tour was pretty much over, and the girls were allowed to wander wherever they wished, so long as they stayed within the area that was under surveillance. The caretakers had been very clear about that. Just because there were no more creepy old men in trench coats didn’t mean that there weren’t perverts or worse around. And now that they all were the same gender around the same age, it just made them harder to spot.

Not that that stopped anyone from sneaking out just because they could. Her friends had regaled them with many a tale of their rebellious escapades, and they were far from the only ones. Honestly, Homulilly was tempted to do just that. Who cared if she disappeared? Who cared if she never came back? It wasn’t like anyone really liked her.

Instead Homulilly just wandered aimlessly, head down and hands in her pockets as dark thoughts clouded her mind.

Then she got the first bit of relief she’d had all day.

“Hey, Lilly of the Valley! Over here!”

Homulilly perked up. That had definitely been Charlotte’s voice. She scanned the crowd and saw the tailed witch in question, standing over near the barbecue booths with a cone of cotton candy in her hand. Oktavia was in her four-legged chair next to her, and behind them she could see Ophelia helping herself to sausages and grilled onions, easily identifiable by the size of her hat and the abundance of red she was wearing.

Finally, someone to talk to that she actually liked and wasn’t any kind of a threat. Homulilly hurried over to them.

“Hey there,” Charlotte said as Homulilly approached. “We were wondering when we’d run into-”

Homulilly threw her arms around Charlotte hugged her tight.

“-OKAY! Um, hi? Glad to see you too?”

Homulilly knew that she was making a scene, but she didn’t care. She just closed her eyes and enjoyed the feeling of holding somebody she cared about, even if it wasn’t the person she really needed.

Below, Oktavia crossed her arms over her chest and sulked. “Okay, that’s fine. Don’t mind me. I’ll just be down here, not getting hugs.”

Homulilly let out a small laugh and bent over to hug her too.

“What’s this about getting hugs, and how can I get in on that action?” Ophelia said as she wandered over, an overstuffed German bratwurst in a bun in each hand. Homulilly was more than happy to oblige.

“Well,” Charlotte said. “She hugged me longer.”

With a sigh, Homulilly released Ophelia. God, she had needed that. Of course they would probably ask for an explanation, but that was fine. She really needed someone to vent to.

Then an unfamiliar voice, one considerably deeper than most but with a syrupy edge said, “My, my, my, you are all an affectionate bunch. Don’t mind me though. I’ll just stand here, next to all this love, forever the outsider looking in.”

Confused, Homulilly turned toward the speaker in question, whom she had taken for some bystander who had just so happened to be standing near Charlotte. It was a jott, and a pretty flamboyant one at that, even by the jotts’ already flamboyant standards. She was wearing a shiny one-piece outfit made of some glossy blue-and-gold material with a shiny golden cape draped over one shoulder. Her hair was as thick and bushy as a lion’s mane and was decorated with dozens of tiny red and green jewels that hung from it was Christmas ornaments.

Homulilly had no idea who she was.

Seeing the look on Homulilly’s face, the jott smiled and patted Homulilly on the shoulder. “It’s all right, no need to keep that line going.”

“Um…” was all Homulilly could think of to say.

Charlotte cleared her throat. “Er, Homulilly? This is-”

“Corbit Fausk, at your service,” the jott said, sticking out her hand. “A pleasure to meet you, darling. Now, you must be Gretchen!”

“Homulilly!” Charlotte hissed.

“Homulilly!” Corbit corrected without missing a beat. “Right shape, wrong half. Wonderful to meet Ryoko’s real life inspiration!”

Now Homulilly was totally lost. “Uh…right,” she said as she gingerly shook Corbit’s hand. The jott’s grip was gentle but very strong and careful to keep her blunt claws away from the back of Homulilly’s hand, as if she had some bad experiences with handshakes in the past and had practiced until she got it right. “Nice to…met you?”

“Hmmm, a statement phrased like a question,” Corbit noted. “Indicating uncertainty, being off-put, perhaps feeling a little lost and overwhelmed, but still wishing to be polite. Yes. Yes, you are indeed Ryoko.”

Ryoko? Wait, Homulilly knew that name. “Isn’t…isn’t that the name of one of your characters?” she said to Charlotte.

Charlotte winced. “Er…”

“Indeed it is!” Corbit proclaimed. “But less of a character and more of a transcribing of a near and dear friend to page! After all, reality shapes more enthralling protagonists than fiction ever could!”

Now Homulilly was really lose, and Charlotte was looking increasingly more and more uncomfortable. Ophelia and Oktavia, it should be noted, looked like they were having a grand old time, if their ear-to-ear grins were any indication. “Right,” Ophelia said. “Okay, let’s get you caught up. Corbit Fausk here is Charlotte’s new agent.”

“New agent…” Then Homulilly’s eyes widened when she realized what that meant. “Oh! Oh, you got published!”

Corbit shrugged. “Ah, well, no, not yet. Still a few chapters too early, sweet thing. But ah, with my considerable muscle behind her, this is less of a possibility and more of an eventuality, isn’t it now? Not even a spoiler at this point.”

“Oh, well, congratulations! I knew you could do it!”

Charlotte relaxed a little, even managing a small but proud smile. “Thanks! It’s still a little surprising, to be honest.”

Corbit snorted. “Oh, nonsense. Nonsense! I know talent when I see it. I don’t make stars, after all, but I do have a distinct eye for finding them.”

“And she couldn’t have a found a better astronomer!” Ophelia said, leaning over to throw her arm around Corbit’s shoulder. “Corby here’s practically part of the family now!”

And with that Charlotte was back to looking all sorts of uncomfortable. In fact, she now seemed downright mortified. “Oh, sweet Jesus, no,” she groaned, burying her face in one hand.

Oktavia leaned over to loudly whisper, “She’s been over nearly every day. Turns out that’s she’s just as freaky as we are!”

“Oh, nonsense,” Corbit said with loud laugh. “Nonsense! I am simply a connoisseur of romance, no matter what form it might take!”

“Guys, please,” Charlotte begged.

“Wait, what?” Homulilly said. She looked from one face to the next, hoping that someone would explain things to her.

Ophelia snickered. “Well, let’s just say that with Candeloro out of the house, we’ve been taking advantage of the extra space to host…viewing parties.”

“Stop it,” Charlotte snapped. “Stop it right now.”

“And quite wonderful ones at that,” Corbit added. “It’s nice to run into such kindred spirits while being so far from home.”

“I’m…lost,” Homulilly said.

Now Charlotte was openly gritting her teeth. She thrust an accusing finger at Ophelia and Oktavia. “These two. Have been hosting. Porn parties.”

Homulilly’s jaw dropped. “What?”

“They took over the big HoloVid and have been playing all their weird porn holos at full blast!” Charlotte said as she threw her hands into the air. “Not only that, but they invite all their friends over…and do color commentary! Loudly”

“And here I thought my trip to Freehaven would be a bore before the festival!” Corbit said.

Charlotte shook her head. “Yeah, okay, and right after I sign the contract, my brand new agent decides to drop by our house unannounced right in the middle of…uh…”

“Andalite Morphing Party 3,” Ophelia helpfully provided.

“Right! That one! And of course, I’m mortified! I’m thinking, this is it, my stupid roommates have gone and scared off my one big chance. But did it? No! What happened was worse!”

Oktavia laughed. “Yeah, turns out Corby not only had seen it before, but had brought the sequel along for her trip!”

Ophelia’s eyes glimmered. “It’s supposed to be out of print! I never thought I’d ever see a copy!”

“It’s amazing what having connections in the smut business can get you,” Corbit said.

“And now she’s our new best friend!” Oktavia said.

“To filth!” Corbit said, lifting her paper cup up high.

Ophelia and Oktavia followed suit with their bratwurst and ice-cream. “To filth!”

“You know, Homulilly, I’m a bit surprised I haven’t seen you at any of the parties,” Corbit said as she sipped her lemonade.

Charlotte shot her a look. “Uh, she’s still underage…”

“Oh, poo,” Corbit said with a dismissive snort. “Like she doesn’t already have a collection of her own. All kids do!”

Homulilly swallowed. “Er, actually, I don’t…”

“Really?” Corbit looked honestly surprised. She thought in this for a bit, and then shrugged. “Well, anomalies will continue to appear. But tell me, where is your Gretchen? I was under the impression that you were joined at the hip!”

Homulilly’s face fell. “Oh. Um, she’s part of the planning committee. For, you know, the FIB’s part in the festival? And she has to stick with them.” She paused for a bit, and then added, “And I’m not.”

Corbit raised an eyebrow. “Really now?”

Homulilly got the distinct feeling that the eccentric jott was picking up on a lot more than she felt comfortable with. “It’s not really my thing…”

“Ah.” Corbit gave her an odd look, but then shrugged again. “Well, Charlotte’s honeybun is off pursuing her hopes and dreams, so it happens I suppose. Pity. But you have to bring her by before I leave. I must see Ryoko and Haruhi play out in real life!”

“Come by after the festival tonight, like at ten or something,” Ophelia chimed in. “I promise that there will be nothing inappropriate, save maybe for Cheese.”

“Spoilsport,” Oktavia grumbled.

“Er…sure,” Homulilly said. “That sounds, that sounds great.”

Then Charlotte tilted her head and frowned. “Homulilly? Is something wrong?”

Oh no. Oh, no, no, no. This wasn’t good. “Wrong?” Homulilly said with what she hoped was a disarming smile. “No, no. Nothing’s wrong, why would you think that?” Crap, she was screwing it up. “Hey, listen, I need…to go…so bye!”

With that, Homulilly turned and fled into the crowd. As she left, she heard Corbit say, “Was it something I said?”

Now even more upset than before, Homulilly pushed her way into the crowd. She knew she wasn’t supposed to go off by herself, but to be frank she really didn’t care. The whole area was under surveillance, so why shouldn’t she? Besides, the place she was headed for was still in the FIB grounds.

It didn’t take long for her to reach the dance circle. Sure enough, it was in full swing, with loud music playing and several girls twirling each other around.

Just like Mitty had been twirling Gretchen around that morning.

Homulilly glanced at it briefly before letting her eyes slide off of it to survey those standing around nearby. Sure enough, she saw the planning committee milling about, talking to the rest of the students and keeping an eye on things.

And off by themselves in one corner was Gretchen and Mitty. They were having what looked like a private conversation, with Gretchen sitting on a bench and doing most of the talking while Mitty leaned against a wall with her hands in her pockets. Judging from the expressions on their faces, it didn’t take a great leap in imagination to figure out what the subject of their conversation was.

Homulilly’s mouth straightened into a horizontal slash. She took a deep breath and marched purposefully over to the pair.

Mitty spotted her first. “Oh, hey,” she said in a neutral tone as she straightened up. “Speak of the devil.” Gretchen raised her head and, seeing Homulilly, winced.

“Devil?” Homulilly said as she neared. “I’m the devil then?”

Mitty shot her an annoyed look. “Relax, Boneyard. It was an expression.”

“Um, guys?” Gretchen said, all of her legs squirming. “Could you not-”

“So you were talking about me,” Homulilly said, folding her arms over her chest.

“Coming off kind of aggressive there, aren’t you?” Mitty said. She shrugged. “Okay Homulilly, let’s get this out in the open: you don’t like me. You haven’t liked me since we met. Fine, lots of people don’t like me. But I have way too much on my plate to put up with Passive-Aggressive Theater. So either spit it out or stop wasting my time.”

“Mitty-chan!” Gretchen cried.

Homulilly stomped over to Mitty until she and the taller girl were practically nose-to-nose. “Stay. Away. From my Gretchen.”

Mitty didn’t so much as flinch. “Oh, so she belongs to you now, is that it? Super. Okay, kiddo, we were talking about you. Mainly, we were talking about how you’ve been acting all weird lately, and when you weren’t being weird you were giving your girlfriend here the cold shoulder. She tells me that you haven’t talked to her in days. So, who exactly do you have such a problem with?” Mitty tilted her thumb first to herself and then to Gretchen. “Me or her?”

“You!”

“Then out with it already!” Mitty snapped.

Right then. If Mitty wanted her to get it out, she would do just that. “I saw you dancing with her!”

“Wait, what?” Mitty said, blinking in surprise. "Are you serious? That’s it?” She rolled her eyes. “Jesus, relax. She asked me to show her how to Samba, so I did!” Then she blinked again. “And hey, wait! That was this morning! You’ve been weird all week, you jealous-”

“Stop it!” Gretchen cried as she leapt up. She tried to inset herself between Homulilly and Mitty, pushing them away with arms and wires both. “Stop it, both of you!”

Mitty just brushed her off. “I. Am not. After your girl! I have a girlfriend, remember?”

“Oh, yeah, sure!” Homulilly said with a great big sarcastic roll of her own eyes. “The girlfriend that’s already graduated and is never around! So, where is she?”

“Seriously?” Mitty let out a bark of laughter that grated every nerve Homulilly had. “You think I’m pulling the Imaginary Girlfriend shit? We all live in the same town, genius! I don’t have a Canada to put her in!”

“She’s telling the truth!” Gretchen told Homulilly. “I met her girlfriend! She’s been visiting the committee meetings, Homulilly!”

“Then why wasn’t she there the other night?” Homulilly demanded.

Mitty stared at her. “Uh, because she had work? Yeah, crazy, isn’t it? Turns out, we all have lives and schedules that don’t revolve around your paranoid ass.”

“I am not paranoid!”

“The fuck you’re not. I bet you’ve got a whole bunch of surveillance cameras watching her 24-7 and a big room full of photos on the walls and a whole bunch of red strings connecting them.”

“Enough!” Gretchen said. She pounded the ground with five of her legs, the closest she could come to stomping her feet in frustration. “Both of you, stop already!”

Mitty held up her hands, palms out. “No need to tell me twice,” she said as she walked around Gretchen to saunter off, giving Homulilly a death glare as she passed. “I’m gone. Sorry, Gretch. But I’m not handling your girl for you.”

“Just get out of here,” Homulilly hissed.

Mitty flipped her a raised middle finger and stomped off.

When she was gone, Gretchen turned her full fury onto Homulilly. “What’s wrong with you, you jerk?” she said, giving Homulilly’s shoulder an angry shove. “She never did anything to you!”

“She’s been hanging off you since I met her!” Homulilly shot back, thrusting a bony finger after Mitty. And you let her!”

That actually caused Gretchen to take a couple steps back, her face turning the same color as her eyes. “Wait, you think I’m cheating on you?” she said, those last three words coming out as a squeak. “You really don’t trust me?”

“I don’t trust her!”

“But you don’t trust me.”

Homulilly breathed in deeply and slowly let it out. “I don’t know,” she admitted. It hurt to say, but it was the truth.

“You don’t trust me,” Gretchen repeated, backing up even further. “All this time, and I thought you were just upset that I wasn’t around, and that’s why you weren’t talking to me, and…” Then her eyes popped wide open. “Wait, that’s what the other night was all about? You thought that you had to fight Mitty for me?! That’s…that’s stupid!”

There was a pause, and then Homulilly said, “Is it?”

“It is!” Gretchen said, striking the ground with her legs again. “After everything we’ve been through, after everything that’s happened, you seriously thought…” Her eyes started to tear up. “This whole week I’ve been stressed out of my mind, trying to do everything right, trying to make everything perfect for us tonight, but then you get mad and stop talking to me, and I’m just wondering what I did wrong, why you hated my friends so much, why you kept pushing me away, and now it’s so bad, and I can’t take it!”

“Perfect? Tonight?” Homulilly’s face screwed up in confusion. “What are you talking about?”

Gretchen didn’t answer. She just turned and fled.

“Gretchen, wait!” Homulilly called. She started to go after her, but then something told her to maybe check behind her first.

She did, and immediately wished that she hadn’t. As it turned out, their argument had drawn the attention of just about everybody nearby, even drawing the dance to a stop. Even those who weren’t staring at her were obviously trying to make it look like they hadn’t just watched everything go down.

Struck dumb, all Homulilly could do was stare back. Oh no. Oh no, no, no, no. She had done it now. This was every nightmare she had ever had, given life and playing out for everybody to see. The only way it could be worse was-

“Uh…”

-that.

Homulilly cringed. Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit. She took a deep breath through her clamped teeth and reluctantly looked over to her right.

There they were. Ophelia, Oktavia, Charlotte, and even Corbit Fausk. Apparently they had sensed something was up and had gone after her. And judging by the way they were staring, they had seen the whole thing, or at least enough of it.

For an eternal moment, Homulilly and her friends just stood and stared. Then Oktavia said, “Okay. What the hell was all that?”

“I…” Homulilly said. “I, uh…”

Then she whirled around and ran away.

Homulilly ran and ran and ran. Her eyes were filled with tears, so most of what she saw was a blur, and the crowd made moving through the narrow streets difficult.

She didn’t care.

She had hurt Gretchen. She had hurt Gretchen and made her cry. And she had done it in front of everyone, like some out-of-control jerk.

Wait, no. Not like an out-of-control jerk. As an out-of-control jerk! Because that’s exactly what she was, just a stupid, jealous, selfish jerk with no control at all, and now everyone knew it!

Homulilly found a wall and slumped against it, her face buried in her arm. She didn’t care who saw her crying. She just hoped that they would leave her alone.

On the upside, all the people did. But it seemed that the universe itself was bound and determined to rub it in.

There was, of course, music constantly playing in the background, sometimes culturally specific to whatever display was nearby, while other places just played popular pop songs. The area she was in was one of the latter, though in her state she was in no mood to pay any attention to the soundtrack. It was just some sugary song about nonsense that she had already heard a million times and had never really much cared for.

But then it ended, and a different beat started, one that was near and dear to her heart, one that was more disco-flavored, but with lively string section.

And then the lyrics kicked in.

“The spell you got on me

It’s like magic!”

No. Not that song, not Magic. Magic was their song, hers and Gretchen’s! It was the song that had played during their first dance. It was their ringtones for one another. It was the song that they played whenever they were in the mood.

Homulilly fell back against a wall. She slipped down and huddled into a ball and started crying. This was the worst.

She was wrong, of course.

Homulilly stopped crying, but it wasn’t the threat of a possible audience that made her stop. Rather, it was the sound of voices, coming from right around the corner, one of which was very familiar.

“…yeah, I don’t what’s with that crazy bitch, but she’s had it in for me since we first met.”

Mitty.

Homulilly’s eyes slowly opened. She sniffed, wiped away her tears, and stood up. There were a few people nearby giving her concerned looks, but she ignored them and went over to the corner, hands clenched into fists. Right, enough was enough. She was going take care of this right now.

Homulilly crept around the corner and surveyed the place, searching for her rival. It didn’t take long to find her, but what she saw made her hesitate.

Around the corner was a plaza, lined with booths and other attractions. And standing with her back to Homulilly was Mitty herself. But she wasn’t alone. Another girl was with her, this one about half-a-head shorter with jaw-length hair the color of wheat and skin roughly the same shade as Mitty’s. She was wearing a knee-length fur coat and was also facing away from Homulilly, so Homulilly couldn’t make out much more than that, but she didn’t need to see more to know who it was.

The way her and Mitty’s hands were entwined was enough.

“That’s what I get for being nice,” Mitty was saying. “I mean, Gretchen’s cool, and she wanted someone to show her how to samba, so I figure, why the hell not?”

“Why did she want to know how to samba?” said the other girl.

Mitty shrugged. “Oh, something about seeing the dance we set up last year and wanting her and her crazy girlfriend to join in. She said that their first date was at a dance party or something and wanted to surprise her with another. So sure, I said I’d teach her a thing or two. Why not? Except of course, Homulilly had to see us and go fucking bugnuts. God only knows what Gretchen sees in her.”

The other girl sighed. “Mitty, I told you! You have got to stop flirting with everything that moves! I mean, I know you don’t mean anything by it, but it was only a matter of time before this happened.”

“It’s not my fault, Ally!”

“Mitty…” Alyssa said, a bit of warning in her voice. “Give me a break.”

“It wasn’t!”

“Did you kiss her?”

“Of course not! I just taught her the dance! Besides, even if Gretchen was my type, which she’s not, why would I risk screwing up what I got now? I mean, I’ve already hit the jackpot.”

“Damn right, you did,” Alyssa said as she leaned in close.

Homulilly felt the lump in her throat grow as she watched them kiss. Oh God, Alyssa did exist. Mitty did have a girlfriend! And she hadn’t been going after Gretchen after all! She had just been showing Gretchen how to dance, because…because…

…because Gretchen wanted to dance with Homulilly! That dance she had seen them doing that morning, that was what Gretchen wanted to do with her! She wasn’t going to leave Homulilly, she had been trying to set up a special night for them, and Homulilly had ruined everything by being a big, stupid, jealous idiot!

#Walpurgis Nights

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trashunlimited · 6 years

Text

to conclude, here’s the epilogue. also, i’m putting this all on ao3 and will post the link soon. this isn’t the end of my rick x julie content, there will be more! i need to post something fluffy to make up for all this angst.

chapter 1

chapter 2

chapter 3

chapter 4

chapter 5

chapter 6

chapter 7

chapter 8

chapter 9

chapter 10

chapter 11

chapter 12

chapter 13

chapter 14

chapter 15

chapter 16

tagging: @nightshade1994, @glampyra

Rick had been looking for a powerful fuel source, and remembered the one on Fyralog, perhaps the crystal was still there? It was certainly worth a shot.

Taking Morty along with him as normal, they were flying around on Rick’s ship, looking for the remains of Fyralog. Rick grinned excitedly when they finally come upon Fyralog, and landed on it. The planet look barren, desolate and deserted, the buildings destroyed and there was no life in sight.

“Jeez Rick, what happened here?” Morty asked nervously.

“This Morty, is all that’s left of the Fyralogin Empire, once the dominant force in the galaxy before it collapsed and was replaced by the F-Feds.” Rick explained. “But g-guess who took it down? Me!” He proudly proclaimed, pointing to himself.

“You took down an entire e-empire?” Morty responded in shock.

“Hell yeah dawg! Years ago I stole a chunk of the fuel source we’re here for, they tried to get it back but it collapsed before they could!” Rick laughed.

He knew he shouldn't be surprised, this was Rick after all. But to know he took down an entire empire single handedly? It was both shocking and amazing.

“So...why are we here now Rick?” He wondered.

“To get the another chunk of that fuel source obviously! What else would we come here for?” He hissed. Morty realized that maybe he shouldn’t have asked.

----------------------

As the duo wandered together, Morty found himself really creeped out by the place. The combination of the lack of life when there clearly had been some at one point, the broken and boarded up buildings and the feelings of emptiness made him uneasy. “This place is really cr-cr-creeping me out Rick..” He mumbled.

“Don't be a baby Morty, y-you've been to worse places, this'll be cake.” Rick brushed him off. Morty sighed and continued walking with him.

He started to realize they were headed towards the large building in the center, and so figured that the fuel source must be in there.

When they arrived in the building, it was completely dark, so Rick took out a flashlight and turned it on, using it to help him look around and traverse the building. Morty clung onto his lab coat as they walked, even more frightened than before.

As they walked around, they saw a green glow and headed towards it, where they the crystal-like fuel source, Even now, it still had broken and mangled wires connecting to it.

“Jackpot!” Rick grinned, pumping a fist in the air.

But as soon as he started heading towards it, a figure with two pairs of golden glowing eyes appeared in the darkness. Startled, Rick used the flashlight to get a better look at the figure, and wasn’t surprised when he saw it was Pyri, the former empress of the Fyralogin Empire. There was a look of pure malice and insanity on her face, which made sense, she had been here, alone in the darkness for decades.

“You..” She snarled, glaring at Rick. “You took everything from me! My planet, my people, my empire, my pride..”

Rick ignored her and she watched as he took out another of the crystal. Her eyes wandered around and landed on Morty, and she became confused, unsure who he was. Pyri had expected to see Julie, but she wasn’t there. She’d never seen what Julie actually looked like, but assumed she would’ve seen a woman around Rick’s age, not whoever this was.

“Where is Julie?” Pyri asked, making Rick stop dead in his tracks. When she didn’t get a response, she asked again. “I asked you, where is Julie? What happened to her?”

Rick still wasn’t responding, which gave her a hint on what had happened. “Oh I see, so she’s dead huh? Did you kill her or something?”

At this, Morty noticed he was shaking and had a horrified expression on his face. He wasn’t sure who Julie was exactly, but knew whoever she was, she must’ve been important to Rick.

“So you did kill her after all huh? Should’ve known...she loved you and killed her!”

Morty didn’t know what to do when he saw Rick clench his fists as he started to tear up.. Something was wrong…

Pyri kept egging Rick on and taunting him. “Poor sweet Julie, you dragged her into your bullshit and tricked her into loving you. She died because of you, it’s all your fault!”

Rick snapped at this, and pulled out a weapon with him. “No!” He screamed as he shot her. “I didn’t do it! I didn’t do it! I didn’t…” When Pyri collapsed dead on the ground, Rick sat down on his knees and sobbed.

Morty was concerned and worried for him, what was he supposed to do now? He didn’t want to stay here any longer and so tugged on Rick’s shoulder to get his attention. “W-We should go Rick…”

Rick looked over at him and wiped his tears away. “Yeah...whatever..”

------------------

On their back, Rick and Morty were both silent, neither saying a word to each other. What could they even say? Morty had seen Rick in such a vulnerable moment, he had let his emotions get the best of him, he wanted to avoid doing something like that again.

Morty nervously rubbed one of his arms and glanced over at Rick. “Rick...whose Julie?”

Rick clenched his fists on the steering wheel of the ship, tightening his grip on it. “Shut up, just shut up...:” He growled before looking away.

Morty knew he wasn’t going to get an answer out of Rick, so he thought on his own who Julie could be. She was someone clearly very important to him, who was also dead. With this, Morty wondered if Julie was his grandma. He’d never met, seen or even heard of his grandma before, no one seemed to want to talk about her, there was no pictures of her in the house, but why? Considering Rick’s reaction to her being mentioned and all, maybe it was just too hard to talk about her. Though Morty was curious about Julie, he wasn’t sure if he would ever get to learn about her, he hoped he could though someday.

------------------

When they returned to Earth, Rick immediately went up into his room, refusing to even look at anyone. Summer had seen this and walked over to Morty, just as confused as he was. “Uh...what’s wrong with Grandpa Rick?” She asked.

“I...I don’t know..” Morty admitted. “When we went to go get something on another planet, someone there mentioned a person named Julie, she told Rick that he caused Julie’s death and he freaked out and killed her. He wouldn’t say a-anything about it on our way b-back.”

Summer was surprised by this. “What? Really? Who do you think Julie could be?”

“I was thinking that she’s our gr-grandma. I mean...with Rick’s reaction and all, I think she was important to him, but she died…” He answered.

“Makes sense, it would explain a lot wouldn’t it?”

“Yeah...I just h-hope either R-Rick or Mom will want to tell us s-something about her eventually..”

-----------------

Rick sat alone on his bed, tears flowing down his face. When he had brought Morty to Fyralog with him, he hadn’t thought Pyri would even be there, he presumed she’d died, but he’d been wrong unfortunately, at least until he’d killed her himself. But he should’ve known better...he’d came there for his own personal gain, and Pyri had ended up blaming him for Julie’s death.

The truth was that Rick did actually blame himself for Julie’s death. He felt if he hadn’t left her all those years ago, that she would still be alive, that they would still be together and be happy. He could wake up in the morning and be greeted by her lovely face, he could still taste her kisses and feel her warmth, and Julie would continue to be there for him, loving and supporting him as always.

Even if she had developed the condition that killed her anyways, Rick knew he could cure her, but he couldn’t cure her now that she was dead. Despite his genius, Rick couldn’t reverse death. He didn’t see cloning as an option either, because while he could do that, it wouldn’t be the same, the clone wouldn’t be the Julie he fell in love with, it would be someone completely different.

Before Julie had entered his life, it had been lonely, miserable, empty and depressing. But once she had become apart of it, his life instantly became better. She’d brought out the best in him, made him feel genuinely happy, probably for even the first time in his life, and was the first to show him love and kindness.

Now she was gone, and the empty feelings had returned to him, the only way they could be filled, the only way his heart could heal is if she came back into his life. But because she was dead, that was impossible. Rick believed he was doomed to remain a depressed, suicidal alcoholic for the rest of his miserable life.

He took out the crystal rose he’d gotten for Julie, before they’d even started dating. She’d loved it so much, and he could still remember the day he took her to that gemstone planet visibility. Rick remembered they’d even had their wedding there. He clutched onto rose and angrily threw it on the floor, but it didn’t break, there wasn’t even a crack, it stayed still and intact.

Rick pulled out his flask and opened it, downing some alcohol as more tears stained his face.

#my writing #rick and julie

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dassala · 6 years

Photo

In Focus

Rated M - Chapter 3/? (Ch. 1, Ch. 2)

Emma Swan’s CEO fiance Graham Humbert has hired a wedding photographer to capture every aspect of the wedding planning process. Killian Jones usually hates these stuck-up, spoiled rich brides he captures on film, but Emma is different.

Disclaimer: This fic contains elements that may be squicky or disturbing to some of the CS audience. I want you to know that both Emma and Killian have sexual relationships with other characters in this fic. They also both get very drunk at different times throughout the story. So if you have an aversion to alcohol abuse (especially as a crutch), and you can’t stand the idea of Emma and Killian being with other people, this may not be the story for you. However, that said, you should know that I never write CS fic without a happy ending. :) So if you can stick it out, I promise satisfaction.

Psst. @awkwardnessandbaseball is an incredible beta! <3 Thank you, babe!

Read it on AO3

Three months into the planning process and Emma Swan was already completely wiped out. She felt overloaded with orders and deliveries and do-it-yourself wedding favors. At this point, she deeply regretted not hiring a wedding planner to do most of the work for her, but she’d considered it a personal challenge. Graham was generally busy with work, so why not throw herself into this particular project?

The week had been taxing, and Emma was not only tired from a combination of work and wedding planning; she was sick. She had wanted to spend some time getting crazy with Ruby to blow off a bit of steam, but the girls’ night out was canceled when Emma’s sniffles and sinus pressure got out of control.

Emma flipped through the offerings on Netflix, clicking past Action/Adventure and Drama, and cruising into the Romance section. On the rare night that Graham was able to sit still for two hours, they leaned toward a Jason Bourne-type flick. Tonight, he was out schmoozing with Japanese clients, and she was relegated to the sofa with a box of tissues and a steaming-hot mug of chicken soup.

As she tapped her way through the romance section, her phone dinged. Emma raised it and opened the video she had been sent.

Killian was singing his heart out on stage. Ruby had keenly placed a few heart-eyes emojis around him in the frame. With a laugh, Emma shook her head and replied with some text and a photo.

Looks like fun. And hearts? Are you telling me this is going past just screwing around? The photo she included was her best attempt at a slightly-less-than-miserable face.

Message from Ruby: He’s an 11 in bed, if you know what I mean. ;) But he seems like something’s holding him back from considering it a relationship. Might be your wedding, but not worried. I’m here to have a good time, and so is he. He’s just fucking gorgeous.

Emma was unable to disagree. She had noticed it the first time she met him. His deep blue eyes were quite alluring. If she hadn’t been an engaged woman...well, she would not have a wedding photographer, so that was just a silly thing to think. She groaned to think about him being good in bed. If he could please Ruby, he could please anyone. And if she was being honest with herself, she hadn’t been properly pleased in months. The spark had gone out of her love life with Graham. In the past, the fire was hot and it burned quite often. But now there was...nothing. And she was committing herself to a lifetime of nothing.

Enjoy! She sent back to her friend before tossing the phone on the table and cuddling down into the pillows on the sofa.

Registry day. Emma was armed with a scanner-gun-thingy and a list of items she wanted from the high-end boutique. Graham was at her side, thumbing texts into his phone and half-heartedly paying attention to her ramblings about china patterns.

“I think the blue on that one clashes with our carpet. I mean, the pattern itself is nice, but the color is all wrong. Why don’t we do like...all white, or something?” Emma turned over a bone china serving platter and examined its size.

“You’re right,” Graham muttered. He tapped a few more words into the phone as Emma went silent and stared across the section. The photographer had just arrived. Killian was hurrying past a stack of over-priced bathroom towels. He smiled at Emma. She felt her stomach do a little flip and swallowed hard, pushing the feelings away.

“Hey, there he is,” Emma grinned.

“Seriously, I’m never taking an Uber again in this city. All Yellow Cabs for me,” Killian chuckled. “Sorry, guys.”

“No, it’s fine. We haven’t really done much,” Graham muttered. He looked up from his phone and finally tucked it into his pocket. “And yeah, I do Yellow. Uber seems...difficult in the city.”

“Indeed,” Killian pulled his camera strap around his neck and lifted it. “Scan away.”

Graham reached for the scanner, taking it out of Emma’s hands. She blinked and watched as he slid around the display, scanning six barcodes without stopping to ask for her opinion.

“Uh,” Emma jumped into his path and held up her hands, “Easy cowboy. Remember, there’s like...stuff we actually need and stuff we don’t. Like those.”

She pointed to a set of fancy, battery-operated, chrome plated salt and pepper shakers that her fiance had just scanned. Graham pursed his lips and looked back at his fiancee.

“What do you mean? I like those.”

“They’re stupid,” Emma sighed. “We have salt and pepper shakers already. They’re very nice.”

“Yeah,” Graham wrinkled his nose, “but I mean the whole point of getting married is so people buy you stuff, right? So why not register for newer, cooler ones?”

Emma’s gaze narrowed and Graham physically stepped backward. “Okay, so not the whole point, but...why not?”

“We don’t need them,” she reiterated, placing her hands on her hips. Killian stood by silently, glancing around the store as if he wasn’t hearing them disagreeing again. “And maybe try asking my opinion before you just...scan everything?”

“Emma,” Graham laughed, “they’re gifts. Just let me scan. Okay? We’ll take back what we don’t want or need. But I want the salt and pepper shakers.”

“Fine. Then I’m getting the all-white China,” Emma conceded, sighing.

Graham halted and cocked his head to the side. “We have dishes. We don’t really need more dishes. They’re good dishes. My Mum sent them from Ireland. Remember? The one broke and we had to get it replaced and it took bloody ages…”

“Let me get this straight, if we have a perfectly good set of something we shouldn’t replace it, unless you want it?” Emma’s eyebrow cocked. Out of the corner of her eye, she watched Killian grimace, trying to hide it behind his camera.

“Don’t start,” Graham grumbled and pushed past her. “Just scan things, okay?”

Emma found the scanner shoved back into her hand. Graham meandered away, pulling out his phone once more. Closing her eyes, she took in a deep breath and tried desperately to control her temper, feeling it rising up her body.

“I think they’re stupid, too,” Killian finally chimed in, “for what it’s worth.”

“The plates?”

“Nah, the salt and pepper shakers,” he smirked and snapped a photo of the set. “I’ll file them with ‘ugly things’.”

Emma laughed, shaking her head. He had a way of being able to erase her tension. She nodded and moved to the china set she had been eyeing. With a particular flourish to her movements, she scanned the item, then winked at the photographer. Snap. Brilliant.

Another few weeks passed, and Killian spent his time between his place, Ruby’s place, and working a few one-off shoots for publications or private customers. His next appointment for the Humbert wedding was at Graham and Emma’s apartment, where invitations were to be addressed. Graham had assured him it would be just a few photos, and then he could leave, as there was bound to be nothing too exciting about writing addresses.

Finishing off a coffee, Killian knocked firmly on the door to Graham’s apartment. When the door opened, the last thing he expected was exactly what he got.

Emma answered, a glass of wine in one hand. She was in sweats and a baggy t-shirt, and she looked irritated.

“Hey,” she sighed, shifting her weight, “I’m thinking maybe we should do this another time. Graham got called out on a meeting...and...we had kind of a fight about it. I’m not in the best…”

“I can focus on your hands, if you like? And...listen?” Killian shrugged, offering a friendly smile. “Not as your photographer, but...as an open ear? A friend? Or I can bugger off, either way.”

Considering it, Emma gave a nod and stepped back to allow him into the apartment. She closed the door behind him and shuffled to the coffee table, where piles upon piles of laser-cut gold lace invitations were waiting for her.

“I took calligraphy classes to learn this stuff,” Emma said with a bemused laugh. She shook her head, “I mean, I’ve always got time, right?”

Taking a seat across from her, Killian moved the chair slightly closer and put his camera bag aside. “They’re beautiful.”

She nodded and took in a shaky breath. “They never end. The meetings and the calls...It’s like I’m this person with all of these friends and this loving fiance, and...I’m lonely.”

Killian folded his hands and licked his lips before taking a deep breath, himself. “Have you talked to him about it?”

“Yep,” Emma nodded, finishing off her glass of wine before standing, “talking about it is why my mascara is running and I’m day-drinking. Want some?” She wiggled the empty glass in his direction.

“Not on the clock, thanks,” he adjusted the focus on one of his cameras, snapping off a few photos of the invites themselves.

“I’m your boss. You’re allowed to have a drink if I say so,” Emma insisted. “Or are you a beer kinda guy? Because I’ve got some of that, too.”

With a soft chuckle, Killian nodded. “I’ll have a beer then, thanks.”

Emma returned a few moments later and placed a cold bottle on the table in front of him. Her glass was very full of a deep red wine. She wiggled her fingers before picking up a pen from the table. “So how are things with Ruby?”

Killian stammered slightly and cleared his throat. “I don’t...I don’t think talking about Ruby and I is going to help…”

“I mean, I know most of it,” she laughed bitterly and shook her head, “you guys are fucking like bunnies.”

He paused with his beer halfway to his lips and swallowed hard, then took a swig from the bottle. Clearly, Emma had been drinking for a while. She was right, though. Ruby had an appetite, and she could make him forget about Milah for a few hours at a time. She served a purpose.

“C-can you maybe shift to the left a little?” He put the bottle down and picked up his camera, snapping off a couple of shots of her writing.

“She brags about you,” Emma continued. She glanced up at him. For the first time, he noticed how red and watery her eyes were. She was hurting, and it was bad.

“Emma,” he sighed, putting the camera down. “Stop.”

She paused, then dropped the pen. “I’m so sorry,” she whispered, covering her face with her hands. “I’m losing it.”

He knew better. He knew he shouldn’t be involved in their personal problems. But there was no way this wedding would be a success if Emma fell to pieces. He pulled the camera from around his neck and moved closer to her. “Come here,” he whispered.

Emma leaned sideways. She fell against his chest. Killian wrapped his arms around her, pulling her close to him. Right now, she needed a hug, and he was the only person who could offer that to her. “Will it help if I tell you a story?”

With a sniffle, Emma shrugged. So he began.

“Once upon a time, a young lad from England came to the United States to find himself,” he said with a soft smile, “and when he came here, he met a beautiful woman named Milah.”

Emma turned her head to look up at him slightly, her brows furrowed. Apparently, she had not expected to hear about an ex.

“He married Milah. She was fun and exciting and she had all of the joy he knew he needed in life. They moved onto a boat and made a home for themselves. The lad started taking photos of people, and they made a nice life. Milah loved his photos. She also loved his music. They were passionate and crazy and young and stupid but they did it all together,” he said, his voice steady.

Emma relaxed a bit in his arms.

“One day, Milah came home from work. Her body language was...it was all wrong. The lad wondered if maybe he’d done something wrong, as you know, lads do,” he smirked slightly. “But she told him she’d met someone else. And she wanted a divorce.”

This time, Emma sat up and pulled out of his embrace. She gazed at him for a long moment, her eyes searching his.

“So the lad gave her the divorce, and she married...someone else. And now he takes photos of other people when they get married,” he shrugged. “But she still haunts him. Every day.”

“Killian,” she whispered, shaking her head. “I had no idea. How can...how can you take photos of weddings when your own marriage fell apart?”

He chuckled. “It didn’t fall apart. It abruptly exploded. Because there were apparently things we didn’t say to each other.”

She reached up and rubbed at her cheek, pushing away tears. “So the moral of the story is...I need to talk to him or I’m going to lose it all.”

Killian thought for a moment. He licked his lips and drew in a deep breath. “Yes. You need to be clear about what you want, and what you don’t. For us, I wanted kids. Milah did not. She wanted success and she wanted money. A struggling photographer and musician who lives on a boat is hardly a suitable husband for that kind of woman.”

Emma was pensive. She reached over and threw her arms around his neck, hugging him tightly. Killian paused, then wrapped his arms around her in return. “I think you guys will be okay,” he said, his voice calm. “You’ve been together a long time, and you can work it out. I know it.”

“Thank you,” Emma breathed. She pulled back and smiled. “Ruby’s lucky to have a guy like you.”

He chuckled. “Nah, Graham is the lucky one.”

The lock to the front door beeped and opened. Graham, looking disheveled and a little put out, stepped inside. He paused as he saw Killian.

“Oh shit, I forgot all about the invitation photos,” he muttered, scrubbing his face with his hand.

“No worries, mate,” Killian stuffed his camera into his bag and stood. He gestured to the spot next to Emma. “I got a few shots. I think, um, I think I’m all set.”

Graham offered his hand and forced a smile. Killian shook it firmly. “Thank you, then. We’ll see you in a few weeks.”

“Aye, sounds good,” Killian turned back to Emma and raised an eyebrow. “Have a good night then, Miss Swan.”

He stepped out of the apartment door and closed it behind him. Emma was officially closer to him than Ruby had been in the past few weeks. Ruby was a romp in the sheets. Emma...Emma made his heart flutter and his stomach twist. But she wasn’t his. She couldn’t be his. And he would never do anything to pull her away from Graham. Not ever.

“You’ve got yourself in a right state,” Liam Jones smirked and shoved another pint across the bar top. Killian exchanged the full glass with his empty and nodded.

“After Milah, I’d never...ever think about a woman who was married to someone else. But...what if...I think they’re not right for each other?” He drew in a deep breath. “Do I say something?”

“Do you want to get paid?” Liam raised an eyebrow and wiped his hands on a towel. He threw the cloth over his shoulder and leaned forward. The Sailor’s Inn, the bar he owned and operated near the Jersey side of the George Washington Bridge, was dead this time of night.

“Of course,” Killian sighed. “But is it the right thing to do? Get paid and bugger off and leave her to a lifetime of disappointment and misery?”

Liam shook his head, “Remember, you’re only seeing a snippet of their lives together, and it happens to be a pretty busy and stressful time. There has to be a reason she agreed to marry him.”

“They’ve been together for eight years,” Killian muttered into his glass before taking a swig.

Gesturing with wide open hands, Liam shrugged. “Again, gotta be a reason.”

Killian nodded in agreement.

“Tell me about this Ruby girl,” Liam stood and moved to pour himself a beer. He flipped the switch beneath the counter which turned off the neon ‘Open’ sign near the door.

The younger brother Jones pursed his lips. “She’s hot. Insatiable. But...again, not...what I’m looking for. I think I’m gonna put an end to it. Just hope she’s not crazy enough to fuck up the wedding.”

“Want to kick her my number?”

Killian leaned his head to the side and gave Liam a look of annoyance. “You want my seconds? Sure. I thought you were seeing that girl from Jersey City.”

“Nah,” Liam shook his head, “didn’t work out. Besides, you know I’m more into blondes.”

“Then Ruby is not for you,” Killian smirked. “There is a really beautiful blonde bridesmaid, though. Elsa. No ring.”

“Yeah?” The older man grinned and laughed. “Probably not a chance. These are rich girls, eh?”

After Killian’s divorce, Liam had left his home in England and joined his younger brother in the States. Liam was undoubtedly more successful, but he was more of a working-class type of man than most girls wanted. At 35, Liam had all but given up on finding ‘The One’.

“I don’t know, mate. I think I need a change of scenery after I’m done with this gig. Fancy a trip to Boston?” Killian finished off his pint.

“I, uh, I don’t think that’s such a good plan,” Liam spoke slowly. He was obviously searching for a decent explanation, outside of the truth.

Killian’s gaze narrowed. “Why?”

With a heavy sigh, Liam turned to the back of the bar. He grabbed a tabloid and tossed it to land in front of his brother.

The front page of the supermarket rag was plastered with photos of some Kardashian or another. Killian’s brow raised. Liam flipped open to the middle of the magazine, where a blazing red headline and an accompanying photo made his gut clench.

Billionaire Robert Gold Separates from Wife New Ex Milah Jets to Boston

The photo was of Milah, caked in thick makeup, holding her hand up to fight off the oppressive flashes of the paparazzi. She and her husband Robert were not necessarily of the socialite kind, but Milah knew what she was doing when she left Killian. She had married a man of political and social influence for his money. And now, it seemed, they had separated. Killian wondered exactly why.

“I probably shouldn’t have shown you,” Liam said calmly, taking a sip from his beer. “But I didn’t want you to run into her.”

“No, it’s fine,” Killian reassured him. He pushed the magazine away and shook his head. “She’s his problem now, not mine.”

“Atta lad,” Liam poured his brother another pint and an accompanying shot of bourbon. “Let’s get pissed and forget about the women for the night, eh?”

He believed the proper nautical term for his condition was ‘Three Sheets to the Wind’. Roger walked alongside him as Killian meandered down the road to the docks, singing loudly to himself. His companion had a strange sense about him, wherein he usually walked on the water’s edge as if to keep Killian from stumbling into the sea.

Killian pulled his phone from his pocket and thumbed through his contacts. He paused on the docks. Roger whined and nudged him with his nose. The dog couldn’t possibly be warning him against drunk texting, could he? Nah, he was probably hungry.

Did he apologize?

He clicked send. Only then did he notice that it was 3am.

“Oops,” he muttered, continuing down the docks toward his rinky-dink houseboat.

His phone pinged. Blinking, he paused again and looked at it.

Message from Emma Swan: Yes. I think you helped a lot. We really talked for the first time in a long time. He even avoided answering a call in the middle of our discussion. You might have saved this marriage. Thank you.

Drawing in a deep breath, he paused and leaned against a light pole. Fantastic. He was the ‘troubled couple whisperer’. The phone pinged again.

Message from Emma Swan: Tell Ruby I said hi.

He frowned and thumbed a message back to her.

No Ruby here. Just me and Roger.

No response, so he tucked his phone into his pants and wandered back onto his boat, the ‘Jewel’. Once on board, he kicked off his shoes and fed Roger before collapsing onto the bed. He was going to be so hungover in the morning. It also would be a miracle if the spinning sensations stopped anytime soon. He tried the trick of placing one foot flat on the floor. No dice.

His phone pinged.

Message from Emma Swan: Oops. Um, I guess you’re not exclusive then. She said she had a date.

Killian laughed and shook his head. Not surprising.

I had a date with my brother. And Roger. We drank a lot.

I mean Rog didn’t. But I did. Hence the timing of these texts.

Sorry.

Message from Emma Swan: No worries. I like hearing from you. I think we’ll be good friends, after the wedding’s over.

Friends. He wasn’t sure he could handle being friends with Emma Swan...Emma Humbert. With her sexy smile and incredible ass and the way she had access to incredible finery but loved the simple things in life. Not if she belonged to another man. He wouldn’t tempt fate like that. He would NOT be Robert Gold.

Message from Emma Swan: Anyway. Goodnight.

“Goodnight,” he muttered aloud.

Emma felt Graham’s bare chest press against her back. She placed her phone down on the nightstand and sunk back against him. He muttered groggily.

“Who you talkin’ to?”

Emma shook her head. “Wedding plans.”

“At three o’clock in the mornin’?” He placed a kiss between her shoulders. “Relax. It can wait. C’mere.”

She turned to face him and gave him a kiss. It felt...hollow. There was nothing there. No longer did she have a spark when it came to Graham. Even when they did make love that night, it was more...out of obligation than desire. Something was off. Maybe it was the wedding. Maybe it was his constant need to do and be the best, despite what she actually needed. Or maybe…

She drew in a breath. “Sorry to wake you. Go back to sleep.”

But he already was. She received a soft snore in reply.

#cs fic #mc cs au fic #captain swan #In Focus #chapter 3 #not a great one #but here you are #womp womp #pls reblog if you like it

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dw817-dailymotion · 5 years

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dw817′s Dailymotion

Who am I ? I'm dw817 and I write imaginative books and stories and upload rare videos besides. For a summary and listing of all my current works, read on. To see what videos I have available for you, skip below:

FUTURE BARRIER My primary work. What happens when a teenage boy and girl come across a piece of technology from one-million years in the future ? A grand adventure: Future Technology, Unrequired Love, and Absolute Vengeance. A clear one for both teen and adult literature. Read all chapters ONLINE now ! Future Barrier 1st Book, 74-chapters (complete !) Future Barrier 2nd Book, 71-chapters (complete !) Future Barrier 3rd Book, 99-chapters (complete !) Future Barrier 4th Book, underway, new chapter every Monday Future Barrier Character Synopsis, 8-chapters (complete !)

THE NANCY PRINCIPLE My secondary work. This is an interesting bit of writing. The first book is non-fiction so it recounts what actually happens when I was hired to work for the government in a room full only of WOMEN. Each teenage girl trying to outstink the others in their perfumes and outdo the others in their business outfits. And then I show up, a teenage boy really, and how they treated me there and WHO they hired to keep me in my place. A clear one for both teen and adult non-fiction literature. Later book is fictional as I grew rather fond of my female boss. Read all chapters ONLINE now ! The Nancy Principle 1st Book, 33-chapters (complete !) The Nancy Principle 2nd Book, 35-chapters (complete !)

STAR WARS - THE FORCE WITHIN Cleary a fan-fiction story of quite a few chapters. I address the issue of what happens between Episode IV (A New Hope) and Episode V (The Empire Strikes Back). I mean we're still on Yavin in the first Star Wars movie, then suddenly we are on the ice planet of Hoth with no interim video to explain - what happened ? This then is my interpretation of how our intrepid adventurers of Luke, Leia, and Han are forced to leave Yavin to Hoth - with quite a bit of deviltry from Darth Vader himself even though the Death Star has been destroyed. A clear one for teen literature. Read all chapters ONLINE now ! Star Wars - The Force Within, 28-chapters (complete !)

SOME ADDITIONAL MULTI-CHAPTERED WORKS Sometimes you just can't get enough of a good thing and have to write it out and share it with others in additional chapters and pages. Here are some other books I have written that do indeed contain multiple chapters for their subject matter. Read all chapters from all books ONLINE now ! Wit And Wisdom, Campfire Tales, Points To Ponder, Double Trouble, Saturday Matinee, The Concession Stand, The Theologian's Cafe, Zachary Smith - Ruler Of The Universe, The Dream Machine, Dream Diary, Gosh-A-Lotta Stamps, End Days, BLOG, Writer's Cafe Wizardry. More later !

WANT MORE ? Try out these other short-stories, writings, and articles I've written - all available to read ONLINE now ! I N D E X, PROSE AND COMMS OF RPGS, 50-Look And Look Again, Effective Forums [1] [2], You Think Your Luck Is Bad, Ninety Percent Off, When The Sky Caught Fire, Lost In Translation, Sea Monkey (Age restricted), My First Uploaded Google Play Application, Look On The Bright Side, Solar Eclipse (08-21-17), 45000 Hits, A Morse Of A Different Color, Reaching A Human Being At 2-1-1, What Do You Dream, Fresh Peaches For Donald Trump, A Halloween To Remember (Age restricted), Selling My First Videogame, Halloween 2017, Swim Ring Exercises, Why I Program, How To Fish (A Short Story About Helping Others), Building SRTs From DVDs, Personality Test, I Am INJT, Happy 4th Of July (2015), Happy New Year 2015, Merry Christmas 2014, Happy Birthday Advice, Leonard Nimoy Dies At 83, Dating Advice, Alien Rescue, My Happiest Memory, Kids Gallery Halloween, Teen Gallery Halloween, The Misunderstood Dragon, Hear Is To Your Health, The Blue Rose, The Paradox Of Turning Clocks, Tribute To Alice In Wonderland (Age restricted), The Price Of War, Why Is A Raven Like A Writing Desk, What Is A RPG, Anime - A Kaleidoscope Crash Course (Age restricted), Assholes R Us (Age restricted), Legends, The Fairy Lipstick, Outworld, The Power Of Doubt, Drowning In Ads, Access Denied, Online Blocking, Decisions Decisions, My Guardian, The Riddle Of Religion, I Hate Snow, The Prophet Of Profit, Service With A Smile, Why I ♥ Writer's Cafe, Little Escape Artist, Me From A To Z, Where Were You God. More later !

You are Earth visitor #

This super-rare and very family-friendly TV series features Juliet Mills as the Nanny who takes care of three children. And one has to wonder if all of the amazing things she is capable of. Is it truly magic as most people believe ? Or is it just love ?

Prudence has a nightmare with a monster named Wiblet, and Nanny helps her overcome her fears.

Butch is negatively influenced by a "hip" kid when the Professor misses another one of his activities.

A new girlfriend of the Professor thinks that Butch and Prudence are not grounded in reality and should be involved in her children's therapy group. Butch tests whether there is a tooth "elf" by not telling his father when he loses a tooth.

Hal gets a telescope for his birthday but Butch is the one who discovers a new comet.

Nanny suggests a family picnic on a lovely Spring day. The family members all have other ideas until their plans are mysteriously thwarted.

The Professor gives Nanny driving lessons as the pair prepare for a second household car.

Nanny and the children's rescue of some ducklings leads to trouble for Nanny.

Waldo finds a dinosaur bone and buries it in the yard. Nanny and the children's hunt for a rose bush eating gopher uncovers Waldo's treasure and results in a dig for more !

Nanny and the children stage a protest to stop the city from cutting down a favorite tree for a road expansion project.

Professor Everett receives a fabulous job offer from Astrodynamics, but it means moving to Astroville. The children don't want to leave their home, but put a brave face on for their father's sake.

The Professor is contacted out of the blue by an old college girlfriend and isn't sure he's ready to see her again.

Hal feels too much pressure to complete various projects and school work, with a big science competition being foremost, it's making him irritable and miserable. Nanny offers a good luck piece, that acts like a magic amulet that restores his confidence so much he no longer worries at all.

[ Willy McBean And His Magic Machine ]

Little Willy McBean joins up with a Mexican monkey named Pablo to travel back in time and stop the evil Prof. von Rotten from changing history.

[ Nosferatu ]

Vampire Count Orlok expresses interest in a new residence and real estate agent's wife. Enjoy this remastered edition of one of the oldest and creepiest silent horror films of all time. Nosferatu.

These aren't your seemingly average cute little girls. No, they each have a unique way of handling every day life's little problems by TRANSFORMING into new and amazing vehicles ! Please enjoy all 4-episodes of this rare and hard-to-find mini-series.

Mickey Mouse meets Mickey Mouse in this charming and animated classic tale of mistaken identity. It's your riches to rags story.

This spunky little gal from Nevada has vivid daydreams that teach her so very much about the world around her. In this episode, she imagines herself to be a dancing princess.

Everyone's favorite little daydreaming girl runs into an interesting situation where - something stinks. And we don't mean figuratively.

A marvelously done stop-motion animation featuring truly likeable characters with all their quirks and kinks. A lonely deaf taxidermist falls in love with a withdrawn and blind woman.

Done in the style of Scooby-Doo, this Hanna Barbera series features an animated Charlie Chan the amazing detective and his family of all ages which consist to assist.

Today's Chan episode is a mystery about baseball and a famous player for the game who has been kidnapped.

If you're looking for Hentai and Panchira, look no further. This very silly series has plenty of kinky panty-shots, ludicrous fan-service, and action and adventure besides. This pilot episode is entitled, "Beautiful Agent."

Agent Aika continues this kinky fan-service series with the episode, "Naked Mission."

Very funny and very British Angry Kid gets into all kinds of adventures in this live-action mini-movie which features some very clever stop-motion animation and over-the-top incidents between him and his devilishly intelligent little sister.

It's the classic cartoon of cat versus mouse except in this case it is the anteater versus the ant with some hilarious situations between the two.

Who will win ? The Tortoise or the Hare ? Find out in this amusing upgrade to the classic original tale.

Join now with four elite Galaxy Rangers with unique abilities defend law & order among the space colonies and protect humanity from the evil Crown Empire.

These are the amazing Herculoids. This animated series features Zok, a flying space dragon. Igoo, a rock ape. Tundro, a ten-legged four-horned rhinoceros. Gloop and Gleep, two protoplasmic creatures able to change shape. And finally the Herculoids family themselves, Zandor, the leader, Tara, his wife, and Dorno, their son.

Josie and her cartoon friends go on adventures that is out of this world. In this opening episode we find them landing on the planetoid Zelc and encounter a creature named Bleep. At the same time, Josie is kidnapped by an alien named Karnak, a deposed ruler who is intent on reconquering the populace of Zelc.

The Pussycats land on the planet Arcobia, where they try to help expose the corrupt Prime Minister Rulo as the true thief of a device that is very important to the planet.

A classic stop-motion animation film about your Forest Ranger's and Fire Fighter's favorite friend. It's Smokey Bear !

Three choice episodes linked together make-up this rare and interesting animated police series that takes place in futuristic Detroit where crime is dealt with by mechanical justice. It's ROBOCOP !

[ Daydreamer The Movie ]

An anthology of a combination of live-action and stop-motion animation fairy tales by Hans Christian Andersen: "The Little Mermaid," "The Emperor's New Clothes," "Thumbelina," and "The Garden of Paradise."

This tells the classic tale of the hard working ants and the not so hard working grasshopper. The question is, who is ready to survive when old man Winter comes around ?

One of the first videos I've posted on Daily Motion so many years ago. I'm keeping it though because I hate to get rid of anything.

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ah17hh · 4 years

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I fell for them.. via /r/polyamory

I fell for them..

Hi guys, i’m fairly new to posting on reddit so I’ll do my best. About a year and a half ago I got involved with a guy at work who is in an almost 10 year relationship. I knew from the beginning, and honestly wanted to smoke with him, maybe hookup once.. I know, horrible. I came out of a very broken relationship and was still healing (not trying to excuse it) so I just didn’t care about the other woman at the time.

We ended up seeing each other every day for months, and while we did have sex, it was pretty rare throughout our friendship. He was new to being unfaithful and I had also never slept with someone taken before. Eventually, word got around to his girlfriend and she popped up on us one day at his house. She tried to fight me and all that good stuff, I ended up leaving and thought that would be the end of me and him (even though I knew from the moment I laid eyes on him there had to be more than a simple affair...).

He tried to contact me multiple times afterwards, we cleared the air about her finding out, and he still would call me here and there in secret to talk to me. What was weird is we never discussed having real feelings for each other. So eventually he wants to hangout again and I can’t resist, and allow him to come over. He gets a call from his girlfriend and to my complete surprise, answers it and tells her he’s hanging out with me.

She says ok, and simply asks him what color hoodie he wants from her job. I just about died and was sooo confused, and also a little hurt because if i’m being honest, I did want him all to myself even though we were both being horrible people, but I didn’t make that known to him whatsoever.

He eventually asks me to go to the movies with him and his girlfriend and I hastily agreed. We ended up having a good time, going back to their place and having some fun. About a month later she wanted to hangout just me and her, so I agreed.

Long story short; that was in December / January and we have basically been inseparable since. But late February, she ended up getting pregnant. She expressed to me how she wanted a baby badly in the past (he has told me he doesn’t want kids) and now that she finally is pregnant she felt a little bad about our little trio. She basically asked me if I would still be her “girlfriend” (what we call each other, but I don’t consider myself to be dating both of them because she is still somewhat possessive, so calling him a boyfriend feels almost dumb of me) and I agreed to still talk to her.

Months have passed, I’ve lost a family member extremely close to me and they were there for me, I moved into my first place alone and they helped me, and spend almost every night with me at my house or theirs. Me and the boyfriend kiss and have sex, she doesn’t mind too much about that, but the topic of children is still a little weird I think for all of us, even though she talks to me all the time about her pregnancy and baby stuff.

I feel like they talk about me like I’ll be around after the baby is born, but I also feel like they don’t really see me as a full third in their relationship. If me and him have too much alone time at the wrong time, I feel like she gets slightly upset. He jokes about getting me pregnant too sometimes and I honestly can’t gauge her reaction, but when I talk about the future they both seem to want me not to find other people, but at the same time I feel like its hard to be completely in love with two people who have been together and in love way longer, loving her is a little hard because she’s pregnant with someones child and loving him is hard because he’s about to start a family with another woman..

I feel like a dumbass sometimes honestly. Like I should’ve walked away when I found out about the pregnancy because it really did break me, I really fell for him hard... and from what I heard from other coworkers after I left my job and we got caught, he was only with his gf because of history and how comfortable he is.. Upon being with them so often I also realized she is very mother-ish with him and he did lose his mom back in 2018. So I feel like they are set in stone pretty much and its horrible but every now and then my emotions conflict.

Sometimes I think about how theyre such different people, and how him and I have such a better personal connection.. like I was genuinely shocked at his girlfriend’s lifestyle, appearance etc when I found out who she was because I just expected him to be with someone so different. But she has grown on me as well, I genuinely like her too. I’ve grown so attached to both of them and I know so much is going to change when they have the baby. We spend alll our time together..

And when the baby is here, I can’t see myself spending the night 24/7 anymore, I won’t be able to smoke there which is a huge part of me (& her bf’s) lifestyle, she won’t be able to sleepover all the time anymore (he works overnights and when hes off we all sleep together) and its just very hard to envision my future, is it with them? Is it with someone else? When do we separate? If I stay do I tell my family? It would also be tricky because my step father knows the bf from work, and my mom knows about him because I told her when I liked him so much and he was taken which she told me was extremely wrong. So i can’t imagine telling her about this situation now..

Anyway, I came here just to get this all off my chest and hopefully gain some perspective because I don’t let a lot of people in, and now these people take up almost 80% of my time and its definitely going to drop.. Also ironically enough, their first told due date for their child was my exact birthdate. So I already knowww i’m going to be lonely and miserable on my birthday assuming their baby is already born by then.

Idk, the whole thing sucks. Also I really wish I could go on a date with bf, tell him how much I really like him, how handsome he really is to me.. but I just feel like I’ll never get the chance, and having any kind of really intimate connection with him feels like a really far fetched idea. Any advice on what I should do or think about for the future would be super appreciated. Also, i’m 22, gf is 26, and bf is 28, just for reference.

Submitted August 18, 2020 at 09:47AM by shawtydoit via reddit https://ift.tt/2DUFPlf

#IFTTT #reddit

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mustloveromelle · 6 years

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hey! i know you were excited to see romelle in vld, and i wanted to ask, did she live up to your expectations in s6? and are there any things you'd like to see the writers do with her character in the future?

she did live up to my expectations, actually! i’m so glad she earned a spot in this installment of the franchise. her return to the screen has been long overdue.

i had been concerned that they would take some serious liberties with her original characterization, as they had done with other characters–not because that would be inherently bad, but because i love DOTU romelle so much and really just wanted to see more of her, haha. thankfully, that wasn’t the case!

romelle was still discerning, compassionate, brave, and proactive. she was the one to question loto/r (same as in DOTU; the rest of the polluxians thought they could trick the drules themselves but romelle alone knew that loto/r wasn’t trustworthy and would backstab them first), she wanted to keep her family together (in DOTU, she was the one to chase after her other brother, avok), she stood up to loto/r (in DOTU, she told loto/r that she hated him and his throne was a throne of disgrace), and she took initiative to help krolia with repairs rather than just sit around (everything that DOTU romelle did was basically her taking initiative and dealing with issues rather than sitting around, for better or worse). i liked how they maintained her hatred of loto/r under different circumstances too. that’s the girl i know and love!

oh, and she’s CUTE!

my only disappointment is that bandor died. i’m guessing they didn’t want to juggle another character, but i wish they’d killed off avok instead and let bandor stay with the other alteans… poor kid.

i have some hopes for the future, but there’s a chance that romelle won’t be a regular character going forward… that being said, i’d like to see:

romelle becoming part of the team voltron fam OR establishing herself as a rebel leader of sorts with the new alteans:

i don’t recall her giving a name to new altea, so maybe she could be the one to name it pollux?

either way, i do not want romelle to just be sent back to the other alteans with no greater purpose (which would be the case if she couldn’t convince the alteans that their savior had betrayed them and just returned to being miserable and alone surrounded by loto/r’s worshipers); she’s been lonely for long enough.

and c’mon, they killed off bandor–give her some kind of strong companionship!

shiromelle!!!

i forget where i saw this a few days ago, but someone speculated that, since shiro will be out of commission while they try to make/find him a new arm, he and romelle might both be unoccupied and have the opportunity to bond.

i know we don’t have many episodes left, but i think they could pull it off; DOTU handled sven/romelle very well even within such short screentime, to such an extent that some people argued that it was written better than the main couple of the series, keith/allura. there was just something about those two healing each other that was compelling enough not to need much screentime to convince the audience of their sincere bond.

they don’t need to ride off into the sunset together at the end; all they’d need to do is establish the spark/connection, and let the audiences imagine the progression post-series.

romelle bonding with allura and coran:

after that horrible AU altea that allura encountered in s3, she truly deserves to meet alteans who are good, and who better to demonstrate that than romelle?

in DOTU, romelle and allura considered each other cousins (even if the literal relation was rather distant) and had a strong connection based on their mutual desire for peace. i want to see something akin to that in VLD. already, romelle was the one who convinced allura that loto/r was not to be trusted, so we’re off to a great start!

romelle learning how to fight/fly:

given that the alteans didn’t even know how to use their own ships, i doubt that loto/r allowed them to weaponize themselves or fight at all. best to have a captive, docile livestock to send to the slaughter as need be.

in DOTU, romelle was a versatile fighter, using all sorts of weaponry that a situation called for. i want to see her develop those skills in VLD as well.

#vld #voltron #romelle #vld romelle #vld bandor #bandor #lukapost #lukathinks #vld s6 spoilers #pharahsgf #vld allura #allura #shiromelle #shiro

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travelinglifeshighways · 6 years

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Appomattox, Virginia Where our Nation Reunited

Appomattox, Virginia – Where our Nation Reunited

Sunday April 15, 2018

As a Civil War history person I have always been fascinated with how the war played out on so many fronts throughout the South. There were different campaigns with General Sherman’s “March to the Sea” from Chattanooga to Savannah including the Battle of Atlanta where I searched out the different markers or monuments in my youth learning their history then going to the old Cyclorama then in Grant Park to see where different battles were fought then going out in the city to explore the area depicted in the diorama inside the Cyclorama. The battles of Kennesaw Mountain and Peachtree Creek were my favorites but the story of “The lone confederate soldier” in the Battle of Stone Mountain still gives me great laughs. (Lewis Grizzard – look it up on YouTube).

Arriving in the general area of Appomattox, Virginia you can start to sense the history there. The many open rolling hill fields where battles were fought give the impression of horses, cannons, and troops from both sides being in these fields. The actual site of the Appomattox Courthouse was a mini-village with a handful of houses scattered about the grounds. There was a small general store, lawyer’s office and a tavern making it the county seat. General Grant took made his headquarters to the west about a mile up the road next to a stand of trees.

General Robert E. Lee’s surrender bringing an end to the Civil War on April 9, 1865 including his Farewell Address, also known as General Order No. 9 to his Army of Northern Virginia. The day after he surrendered the Confederate army to Lt. Gen. Ulysses S. Grant, Lee's surrender was instrumental in bringing about the end of the American Civil War. The text of the order, which were written and drafted by Col. Charles Marshall, edited and finalized by Lee, was issued as follows:

Headquarters, Army of Northern Virginia, 10th April 1865.

My friend Terry Edwards recites this speech in the band Cullowhee’s song American Trilogy, a touching and moving piece of American history.

General Order No. 9

“After four years of arduous service marked by unsurpassed courage and fortitude, the Army of Northern Virginia has been compelled to yield to overwhelming numbers and resources.

I need not tell the survivors of so many hard fought battles, who have remained steadfast to the last, that I have consented to the result from no distrust of them.

But feeling that valor and devotion could accomplish nothing that could compensate for the loss that must have attended the continuance of the contest, I have determined to avoid the useless sacrifice of those whose past services have endeared them to their countrymen.

By the terms of the agreement, officers and men can return to their homes and remain until exchanged. You will take with you the satisfaction that proceeds from the consciousness of duty faithfully performed, and I earnestly pray that a merciful God will extend to you his blessing and protection.

With an unceasing admiration of your constancy and devotion to your Country, and a grateful remembrance of your kind and generous consideration for myself, I bid you an affectionate farewell.” — R. E. Lee, General, General Order No. 9

Skyline Drive – Shenandoah Valley

I am sitting on a mountaintop in Big Meadows campground tonight as a squall line of thunderstorms roll through towards the coast. This is a no hookup facility so all I have is the battery power in my laptop and a flashlight to write by. Almost like the olden times. Driving up the Skyline Drive I would like to say it’s really pretty with many overlooks and stopping points to look off the mountain to either the east or west but about a mile from the southern entrance the road climbed into the clouds and fog so there was no distant vistas to see or standing in awe to look over and see.

It was a pretty drive like driving through an enchanted forest as there were ghost trees on either side with their branches and limps hanging over the roadway. Visibility was down to just several car lengths as the road made its way up, down, and around the mountaintops. The fog rolled in over the trees and through the gaps alongside the road racing their way down and vanishing in the mist.

Coming around one curve there was a single red brake light which we discovered was a motorcyclist slowly making his way through the fog on the curvy road. He was hugging the center-line and wiping his visor every thirty seconds or so trying to maintain his lane in the roadway. We followed at a distance till there was a passing area and cautiously made our way around him in the fog.

Skyline Drive is the only public road through the Shenandoah National Park, the only national park in Virginia. The road has a north/south direction and is 105 miles long that stretches from Front Royal on the north end to the Waynesboro-Charlottesville area at the southern termination. It takes about three hours to travel the entire length of the park on a clear day but with the many overlooks and stopping places I would plan for it to take a little longer. The maximum speed limit is 35 mph. There are deer, black bear, wild turkey, and a host of other wildlife that call Shenandoah home and regularly cross Skyline Drive. Watch carefully for these animals, which may dart across your path without warning. They were at the edges of the roadway and did not move as the RV drove past. They were usually in groups of two to four every mile or so until we pulled into the campground since it was almost sundown and in their feeding time.

Mileposts along the side of the road help you find your way through the park and help you locate areas of interest. The mileposts begin with 0.0 at Front Royal and continue to 105 at the southern end of the park. These were harder to see than the Blue Ridge Parkway markers so you had to pay attention to not miss them if you needed them.

There are 75 overlooks that offer stunning views of the Shenandoah Valley to the west and the rolling Piedmont to the east. Wildflowers put on a show all year long - in early spring, look for trillium peeking through the grass. June’s display of azaleas is spectacular. Cardinal flowers, black-eyed Susan’s, and goldenrod keep the color vibrant right into fall, when the leaves begin to change and put on their own fall foliage show.

It was a shame that you couldn’t see anything off the mountainside with the fog but after this front passes and the thunderstorm/tornado warnings are over hopefully the road north tomorrow will be a little more scenic.

Traveling Life’s Highways in northern Virginia, a wet stormy goodnight before my battery runs out. Goodnight all, I hope it is a wonderful evening for you! I plan to listen to the sounds of popping corn on the roof of the motor home during this rain.

Monday morning, 4-16-18 – 7:30 am

I got my wish to hear the rain on the roof of the camper as it rolled in strong about sunset but did not gain its full fury until later in the night. The park ranger knocked on the door just after midnight to alert us there were tornado warnings for this area and the bathroom was the best shelter. The weather turned pretty nasty for the next several hours as the rain pelted the camper, lighting flashed and the sound of thunder could be heard. Luckily it was in the distance as the sound was at least eight to ten seconds after the flash of lightning.

The rain continued to four in the morning or so and now a slight foggy mist covers the campground. The tent campers must have had a pretty miserable night as one close to us moved their tent up by the restrooms while others bailed out of the tent and back into their car.

There is no cell service here and my laptop battery is almost dead so that is the update until later.

Brennen’s Campground, Pennsylvania – 10:07 pm

The drive finishing the upper half of the Skyline Drive was a crazy mixture of snow, fog, and some rain. Mainly it was light snow along the crest of the Blue Ridge and quit when we drove off the parkway in Front Royal, Virginia. As the drive over the many foothills in Virginia, Maryland, and Pennsylvania were beginning to wear me down it was punctuated with the hills filled with wind generators spinning away in the blustery afternoon. It was hard to maintain your driving lane with tractor-trailer trucks speeding past with both of us trying to maintain our lanes in the howling winds.

As we drove down the winding road leading to campground the ice/snow pellets were starting to fall once again. Started the day snowing and will end it the same way. What a contrast these last 48 hours from the pleasant heat around 75 degrees to the rainfall, the winds and tornado watch, waking up to it snowing, and then driving in the snow/fog on the mountaintops.

Drove through the states of Virginia, West Virginia, Maryland, and Pennsylvania today, one does not think of Maryland stretching across west to West Virginia and was surprised to discover that. One typically thinks of Maryland along the Chesapeake coast or around the Washington DC area not the foothills around West Virginia.

Anxiously awaiting new discoveries tomorrow; from rural Pennsylvania, Goodnight.

#Road Trip #Traveling Life's Highways #RV #Virginia #West Virginia #Pennsylvania

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dosessndmimosass · 7 years

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You know what I think we are most afraid of? Not knowing. Not knowing whether it’s all really worth it. Not knowing if you should give up or keep fighting. Not knowing why you do the things you do; not knowing the purpose. It’s like when you’re little and you touch the stove and get burned because you didn’t know that it was hot. Not knowing has always hurt us, from the every beginning.

On my birthday I always remind myself that I’ve made it through another year and that I’ve beaten the voice that says I shouldn’t be here but on my birthday I always feel a little bit lonely because three hundred and sixty five days have passed and I am still disappointed with what life has shown me.

It is both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so very deeply.

I am filled with the crippling fear that I am never going to accomplish anything in life and fail miserably.

The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you and you try to understand their situation instead of trying to hurt them back.

Nostalgia is denial - denial of the painful present.

I am not in a good place.

I’m not close to many people anymore.

Maybe I’m better off alone because no one has ever loved me the way I love them and I have never felt like anyone wants me or needs me at all I just hope that people stop using me and start really loving me for who I am and not what I do for them.

I have done bad things. I can’t take them back, and they are part of who I am. Most of the time, they seem like the only thing I am.

Maybe it was really my fault.

Life is impossible.

There are some things about myself that I can’t explain to anyone. There are some things I don’t understand at all. I can’t tell what I think about things or what I’m after. I don’t know what my strengths are or what I’m supposed to do about them. But if I start thinking about these things in too much detail, the whole thing gets scary. And if I get scared, I can only think about myself. I become really self-centered, and without meaning to, I hurt people. So I’m not such a wonderful human being.

Everything is so temporary.

I act and react, and suddenly I wonder, where is the girl that I was last year? Two years ago? What would she think of me now?

Sometimes I don’t know what I fear, what I desire: whether I feared or desired what had been or what would be, and precisely what I desired, I don’t know.

I hope that I would be alive when the day comes that all of these things finally make sense.

I wonder how many times you’ve compared me to her.

When you start liking pain, things start to get interesting.

Your voice is a bird whisper.

A thought is a hard thing to control.

I just want to live a life worth writing down.

The calm, Cool face of the river Asked me for a kiss.

How do you define yourself?

Kind of got los

I want all my secrets back - Six Word Story

Each time you read a book, a tree smiles knowing there’s life after death.

There’s something about sunday night that really makes you want to kill yourself.

I’m too careless. I don’t put out enough effort.

Be with someone that requires you to grow, makes you forget your problems, holds your hand, likes to kiss, appreciates art and adores you.

My only relief is to sleep. When I’m sleeping, I’m not sad, I’m not angry, I’m not lonely, I’m nothing.

Everyday I discover more and more beautiful things. It’s enough to drive one mad. I have such a desire to do everything, my head is bursting with it.

I either eat too much or starve myself. Sleep for 14 hours straight or have insomniac nights. Fall in love very hard or hate passionately. I don’t know what grey is. I never did.

i want to move to a small apartment by myself in a new city and i want to decide which furniture i want and what i want for dinner and whether or not i want to stay out all night and i want to travel and meet new people and fall in love and go have my own adventures because i’m sick of this washed-up place filled with annoying people

all i wanna do is make art and discover new music and make up my own recipes and read books and explore the fucking world but i can’t because i’m stuck in this theory that everyone has to go to school to get an education to get a job to get money to send their kids to school so that they can do the exact same thing and i think that’s about 70% of the reason why i’m sad

When the blood of your veins returns to the sea and the dust of your bones returns to the ground, maybe then will you remember that this earth does not belong to you, you belong to this earth.

Sometimes we get sad about things and we don’t like to tell other people that we are sad about them. We like to keep it a secret. Or sometimes, we are sad but we really don’t know why we are sad, so we say we aren’t sad but we really are.

I have this weird theory that some people are drawn to each other because their atoms were near each other when the universe was created and over time the same atoms keep coming back together

Perhaps our eyes need to be washed by our tears once in a while, so that we can see life with a clearer view again.

do you ever go through those phases where you just don’t feel like talking to anyone for a few days and it’s not because you’re mad or anything you just don’t feel like talking

I was starting to recover. But then you looked at me again.

I’m very perfectionistic and very lazy, which is a terrible combination.

I just hope that one day—preferably when we’re both blind drunk—we can talk about it.

Everyone promises forever until they find someone better. tired of not sleeping I drink too much because I think too much. what if your plants want to kill themselves but you keep on watering them? - Dream Diary I just want to go on more adventures. Be around good energy. Connect with people. Learn new things. Grow.   Make out with me in an art gallery. tired of every day being so much effort Can’t you tell I’m in love with you? I’ve loved you every minute of every day of every month that I’ve know you. It’s like no matter how hard I try to get you out of my head. It’s no good. I want to visit bookshops and music stores en coffeeshops with you. I want to talk to you every second of the day. I want to watch movies with you and cuddle and cook for you. I want to tell you how perfect you are. I want to let you know how I feel. I learned that people can easily forget that others are human It’s 3am and I am scared my heart is racing and my stomach is about to burst When I love, I love with passion. I am a storm in the middle of the night, not a gentle afternoon rain. I am not graceful, I stumble over my emotions. I hate this about myself. I want to feel less, expect less, love less. I want to let go before I exhaust you. Don’t let me. Don’t ever let me go. tired of trying so hard but still not being good enough for anyone ever tired of never really being wanted It’s so cute how you thought I would be ok. Because right now, I am the farthest thing from ok and every single second of my never ending misery is all your fault. I hope that one day you read this and scream.3 i’m just tired. I’m below average.

Art should comfort the disturbed and disturb the comfortable.

I want to do things with my life but I also want to bury myself in a forest and let the moss grow over me so where does that leave us.

My mind is most at peace by the ocean.

I’m scared as hell to want you. But here I am, wanting you anyway.

I always feel like I’m struggling to become someone else. Like I’m trying to find a new place, grab hold of a new life, a new personality. I guess it’s part of growing up, yet it’s also an attempt to reinvent myself. By becoming a different me, I could free myself of everything. I seriously believed I could escape myself- as long as I made the effort. But I always hit a dead end. No matter where I go, I still end up me. What’s missing never changes. The scenery may change, but I’m still the same old incomplete person. The same missing elements torture me with a hunger that I can never satisfy. I guess that lack itself is as close as I’ll come to define myself.

I cannot make you understand. I cannot make anyone understand what is happening inside me. I cannot even explain it to myself.”

do you ever just feel so fucking scared of nothing

Even on bad days, I’ll still be happy with you.

Children must be taught how to think, not what to think

You should look at everything as a piece of art.

I know you and I are not about poems or other sentimental bullshit, but I have to tell you, even the way, you drink your coffee knocks me the fuck out.

Ever since school started there hasn’t been 1 day when I haven’t been tired.

Every time someone speaks your name, I still feel the same, I ache, I ache, I ache inside.

Secretly, I fear life.

Writing isn’t the same as speaking, I struggle with conversation.

There is nothing prettier than a city at 5am with it’s empty streets and cold wind.

I felt too much, he didn’t - Six Word Story

How beautiful would it be to find someone who’s in love with your mind.

It scares me to death to think that one day I might look back into my life and realize that I lived it painfully ordinary.

Life’s too short to drink crappy coffee and cry over boys who don’t care.

I don’t want to care but I do.

Alcohol tasted better than you, anyway - Six Word Story

A photograph is the pause button of life.

Like rain, I fell for you. R In 20 years I won’t remember today; that scares me.

Definition of unrequited love: It’s like drowning but you just won’t fucking die.

I never felt like I belonged anywhere except for when I was laying in my bed, pretending to be somewhere and someone else.

I wonder who’s arms would I run and fall into if I were drunk in a room with everyone I have ever loved.

The sadness will last forever

when i was little i would of never thought i’d grow up to hate myself this much

You only love me when you're lonely

I don’t know if I am actually okay or not but I know I will be and it’s okay if I’m not right now.

It is early monday morning and I am in pain.

And I am bored to death with it. Bored to death with this place, bored to death with my life, bored to death with myself.

There are all types of love in this world but never the same love twice.

I want so much that is not here and do not know where to go.

I look for you in everyone - Six Word Story

How stupid of me; to think I was the only flower in your garden.

I wish I could throw off the thoughts which poisons my happiness.

I want your stupid fucking sense of humor making me laugh at 4am when I have to be up at 6.

Directly, or indirectly, everything we write is for someone.

We all have this perfect picture in our minds of how things are supposed to be and that’s why we all end up being disappointed.

I like art and by art I mean music, poetry, sex, paintings, the human body, literature.

I think it’s important that people don’t feel alone

Not a day goes by that I have not thought of you

Who lives sees, but who travels sees more

Explanation kills art

And I need someone to stop me from drifting

You are probably going to break my heart and I am definitely going to let you

Teach me how to stop questioning my own existence.

I was getting better. I was getting better. then out of nowhere, everything went downhill again. I don’t know what happened.

Beauty without intelligence is a masterpiece painted on a napkin.

My relationship with 3am is the most honest relationship I have had.

The human skin can be hard to live in.

Do animals have less fear because they live without words?

In the world through which I travel I am endlessly creating myself

im annoyed that i dont make time for study, im annoyed that my grades are slipping and im annoyed that there is nobody else to blame but myself

I wish i had like 6 good friends, boys and girls, and we all hung out together, went and got sushi and went to the beach together, and we were all close and knew eachothers secrets

Maybe I’m too busy being yours to fall for somebody new.

Who am I? A part of me wants to study in a lovely city, having a cosy apartment which I will share with my boyfriend. A part of me wants to travel the world in an old bus with lots of friends. A part of me wants to be a successful fashion writer, wearing the most extraordinary clothes. A part of me wants to be settled in a beautiful house with cute kids and a nice husband. A part of me wants to be a skater girl in New York, caring about nothing. A part of me wants to be the inner rebel I am, having a lot of piercings and listen to rock music all day. A part of me wants to die, so I'll never have to choose.

I’m in love with your hands and the way you close your fists and the way your fingertips lightly press down onto my thighs or arms. Pale or dainty fingers. Hands writing poems or stories or even parking tickets. To me, every crease on your palm is a love line.

People do not seem to realise that their opinion of the world is also a confession of their character.

I often think that the night is more alive and more richly colored than the day.

Sometimes your heart needs more time to accept what your mind already knows.

Maybe the wolf is in love with the moon, and each month it cries for a love it will never touch.

I didn't know what to say. I felt like crying, goddamnit everybody in the world wants an explanation for your acts and for your very being.

I'm constantly torn between killing myself and killing everyone around me.

I wonder how many times we forgive just because we don't want to lose someone. Even if they don't deserve forgiveness.

The morning came and killed my dreams. Again.

What do you expect me to do, when you don't know what you want?

But don't act different every time I see you, it drives me insane.

I'm too old to play your stupid games, you like me or you don't.

You could never understand.

I need to get away.

If only you knew how terrified I am.

The thought of her hands touching his hair makes me want to vomit.

Sometimes I can't tell if the past really happened

Silence is also conversation.

I desire the things which will destroy me in the end.

I am covered in the memories of you.

So many people know me. I wish I did. I wish someone would tell me about me.

I'd like to be angry with you, but how could I be angry when you are happy? Maybe you are not happy with me, and I wish to god you fucking were, but if you are happy, then I am content.

My downward spiral started when I was like 8.

I'm not sure what I'll do, but, well, I want to go places and see people. I want my mind to grow. I want to live where things happen on a big scale.

I knew it wasn't too important, but it made me sad anyway.

I see you in colors that don't exist.

I act and react, and suddenly I wonder, where is the girl that I was last year? Two years ago? What would she think of me now?

I noticed everything. I just acted like I didn't.

I need you to understand something. I wrote this for you. I wrote this for you and only you. Everyone else who reads it, doesn't get it. They may think they get it, but they don't. This is the sign you've been looking for. You were meant to read these words.

I need kisses and alcohol.

Hell is loving you in my sleep and waking up alone.

I want all, that is not mine. I want him, but we're not right.

She loves you more but I’m the one who will put you in a poem. You can stay here forever. It’s clean & warm. You beautiful boy, your fragile brain. Someone like me could keep you some kind of safe.

That’s how you know you love someone, I guess, when you can’t experience anything without wishing the other person were there to see it, too.

Being with you never felt wrong. It’s the one thing I did right. You’re the one thing I did right.

I need to stop falling in love with my idea of people.

It's so hard to forget pain, but it's even harder to remember sweetness. We have no scar to show for happiness. We learn so little from peace.

I'm alone in a body that can't love me.

I don't care what you do to me, but I don't want you to hurt me. I've had enough hurt already in my life. More than enough. Now I want to be happy.

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