#i’m on a spiral about them again

[rogueolight]

what the fuck is Their problem actually

#juri arisugawa #revolutionary girl utena #shiori takatsuki #rgu #juriori #i’m on a spiral about them again #happens every time someone i know says a key word

[wavesoutbeingtossed]

Randomly thinking about “tolerate it” (narrator voice: it was not random) and how under the cloak of fiction it is ostensibly inspired by works like “Rebecca” (which Taylor said she read during the 2020 lockdowns I believe?), with the line of “you’re so much older and wiser” indicating that the speaker is significantly younger and inexperienced compared to the person she’s speaking to and a pretty direct reference to the plot of the book.

But I saw something somewhere once that stuck with me about how it might not be referring to relative age between the characters but chronological age as in the passage of time in a relationship. And that made me think about how in a contemporary context, it might not necessarily be referencing an actual age gap between the two characters, but rather a sarcastic or cynical response to the man’s claims that he has matured (“you’re so much older and wiser [than you were before/than you were when we met/etc.]”), which then made me think about that line in relation to the woman. And that it could be taken like, “you act like you’ve matured so much in our time together and like you know everything, while I’m supposedly still stuck as the girl I was when we first met.”

Which then made me think of the “right where you left me” of it all and did you ever hear about the girl who got frozen time went on for everyone else she won’t know it and the bit in Miss Americana where she talks about how celebrities get frozen at the age at which they got famous, and how she’s had to play catch up in a lot of ways not just in her emotional growth but kind of in general. (Which also made me wonder if she’s ever been called out for immaturity/lack of curiosity/lack of education about things in her life…)

Which then made me think about the rest of the song, and @taylortruther’s posts yesterday about “seven” and “Daylight” and the way Taylor idealizes her youth yet contrasts it with an almost sinister reality in its wake, and the line, “I sit by the door like I’m just a kid,” because the discussion raised that her relationship let her recapture some of the childlike joy and wonder she’d lost. So this line is a double-edged sword: the speaker sits by the door with childlike hope that the person will come home and cherish her, but on the darker side, feels like the child dealing with the monsters she doesn’t have names for yet and the feelings of isolation she felt as she aged.

I’m not saying the song is necessarily autobiographical; like most of the songs on folkmore, it’s clearly a fictionalized story based on media she’d consumed and created, but we know a lot of the fictional songs were infused with her own feelings and experiences and… This idea swirling in my head picked up steam and now I kind of can’t stop thinking about it. Sorry but I’m a little obsessed now.

Like maybe it might start to shed light on why she identified so strongly with the novel in the first place…

#the third eye has been opened #😵‍💫 #like tolerate it was always a difficult song #even when we learned it was based on Rebecca it obviously took on new meaning post-joever #and especially in light of ttpd #but the thought spiral i went on last night when i started thinking about all these connections #and the evermore of it all #I’m Charlie at the conspiracy board again #writing letters addressed to the fire #me thinking too hard about Taylor lyrics #evermore my beloved #tolerate it #i kinda gave myself the ick with all this 😵‍💫 #because of the ttpd of it all coming up #and i feel like i remember interviews where Taylor said joe was so well-read especially about like world events and politics and stuff #and supported her when she wanted to start speaking up (not getting into that) #but just based on ~vibes now I wonder if that was like a sore point too at some point #which again i have no proof of but just like… experience with pretentious millennial art bros lol #oh man oh man oh man #this feels like some sort of huge revelation at 1:00 am #when i started writing this lol #eta: when I queued this in the middle of the night i didn't see all the excellent discussion about the seven/folklore posts #so all of you who have been posting about them this morning consider yourselves tagged too!

[mangozic]

HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOO YOUR MICHAEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 YOUR MICHAEL!!!!!!!11 I WEEP AND COLLAPSE!!!!!

you are so real for that, I’m right there with you collapsed on the floor in a puddle of tears (also, thank you!!)

#Iiiii care a healthy amount about him!! yeah! #and gerry #this is wild how much my attitude towards michael and gerry changed over the past month #ima be honest before I made the doorkeay glowy hair illustration I was pretty neutral about them #just had a soft spot for michael because I very much vibe with the spiral #and now here we are #just a downward spiral I guess #i’m so incredibly funny trust me /j #my brain works in mysterious ways and is now inhabited by these two #oh this turned into me rambling again oops #mango rambles

[uc1wa]

apologizing in advance for the woman i will become once the hq movie drops

#am at work and thought about the movie again #i’m gonna spiral #all i’m gonna write is hq #i miss them sm should i reread it for the Hundreth time #xi talks

[revolutionsoftheheart]

that moment when, in distant origins, janeway just throws her phaser at chakotay and he catches it while running for the turbolift.

we love one in sync command team.

#voyager rewatch #star trek voyager #kathryn janeway #chakotay #it’s blink and you’ll miss it moment #i’ve watched it on loop more times than i care to admit #and now i have headcanons about them doing fighting simulations on the holodeck together #and developing this sort of sixth sense about where the other is #(that phase throw is a practiced move-they have done this before) #and being these badass unstoppable people #and tuvok keeps building more difficult scenarios but they beat them all the time #don’t mind me i’m spiralling down in voyager feelings like i’m fifteen again #if i could gif this moment i would #it’s magical #text post

[alexa-crowe]

trying not to anxietypost rn

#hashtag when the positive affirmations do not stop the body-wracking sobs #these are the worst bc they last hours and leave me kinda mentally paralyzed #just spiralling and beating myself up and not being able to stop thinking about my fuckups #and then beating myself up again for not getting up and at least getting other work donr #*done #trying to balance validating my feelings with rational actions #but i was already having a bad week and then a bad morning and now a worse afternoon #and so this attack wasn’t a sudden one it was weeks in the making and i just. i knew. and i couldn’t stop it #and then it’s like bc of the anxiety disorder i can’t gauge how accepting ppl will be when i tell them i fucked up #and i just can’t seem to completely stop crying so i literally can’t move on with my day #and i’m trying to balance between letting myself work through the stress with not indulging in the untrue negative ones #rambling

[priestfrommidnightmass]

i’m not crazy but sometimes i swear there’s a truman-showesque alliance with everyone i know where they all collectively decide when to treat me weird. it’s never just one or two people who talk to me or don’t talk to me. it’s always Everyone. it’s so bizarre it makes me feel fucking insane 😭

#currently in a dry spell rn #literally no one is talking to me #and every time i Do see people they act like i don’t exist #nobody has texted me in like. four straight days 😭 #kinddddda falling into a depressive episode because of this #i’m realizing again that people don’t want to talk to me unless it’s about them #i’m chill enough with myself to not totally spiral abt it i just. really need people rn and no ones there again. sad!

[butch-himbo-king]

honey just start a side blog to talk about those things if you want to talk about them 🧡

i know this is the obvious answer but believe it or not i simply have what you might call side blog related trauma lmfaooo isn’t the internet a wonderful place

#trust me i’ve thought abt it before but #i’ve done it once already and it was a weird coerced into doing it and then made to feel bad for it when it went better than expected bc #it wasn’t supposed to do well it was supposed to make someone else look better for me being into them if that makes sense #and then it turned into a weird unhealthy ‘i have to do it and do it well even when i don’t want to bc it’s now expected of me’ #and spiral from there and turning into me making actual real life physical mistakes with ppl from here in a self destructive spiral #ending once i finally came to the realization of just how much the whole thing fucked me up and me deleting the blog and being wayyyy #happier and healthier without it #all this just to say yes it would make sense for me to just put it on a side blog and yes i think about trying to do again in a healthier #way and with my current way healthier relationship it could be possible but i’m nervous to risk going into that spiral again #LOL ANYWAYS!!!! #answered #anonymous

[iliveinprocrasti-nationn]

one thing abt being disabled/chronically ill that some people don’t get is that sometimes body maintenance that ensures you have the absolute minimum amount of function can also be something that takes away a lot of control and autonomy. you can argue till the cows come home that making those decisions to try and help yourself (or realistically to try to make sure things aren’t worse than they already are) is something that exhibits control and autonomy and stuff, but they can be so limiting in practice because they’re things that take up so much time but have to be done to do anything else

#i have to sleep a lot. i’m at the point where functioning requires 8 hours of sleep if not more #I should probably be getting 10+ but i’m a student and i work so 8 is the minimum. but then also getting ready for bed is a whole process s #the whole thing can take 10-12 hours depending how much im sleeping. just to make sure i can do anything #that is time in my day i cannot use for anything else. it’s not ‘oh but i can push through it’ because i can’t without spending the next da #lightheaded and nauseous and vaguely dizzy and with such intense brain fog I can’t think with my fatigue so bad i genuinely don’t know how #get myself to work a lot of days. my abled peers don’t have to deal with this at all. they have unlimited study time if they want to #and yeah it is a choice i’m making that’s true i could just not do. except i would lose my job and fail out of college because i would not #be able to get to classes or do my homework or think. but being told ‘but you are making choices about your life’ when i have lost so much #of what i used to be able to do because i am spiralling down and continuing to get worse is so. #literally last year i would wake up at 6:30 and then go to school till 3 and then go to my internship until 10 and get home at 11 and be in #bed anywhere from midnight to two in the morning and then wake up the next day and do it all again. i graduated with a 3.9 gpa and made it #into my top college while dealing with my cancer symptoms and then the two surgeries about it #but now i lose half my day to just making sure i can get out of bed. i can’t go anywhere because my body is physically too exhausted #any extra time goes into doing homework or occasionally time to myself #not decimating my health by doing minimum body care responsibilities isn’t freeing. occasionally i have a good day which is freeing but tha #usually goes into just. other things outside class or work or eating. I don’t go do something for myself or go do something fun on good day #because I still can’t. good days just mean i don’t want to lie down on the pavement when i’m going somewhere #I just. I don’t magically have control over my life because i try to get enough sleep. i lose half my day to doing that and ultimately it’s #just a bodily function that would have to happen anyway #this is a vent post im just having a really hard time right now because it feels like im in exponential decline. it was nowhere near this #bad last semester. my grades are tanking and i have no free time because anything outside of sleep is either work or school #vent tw #yall can rb this just ignore my tags completely #disability #chronically ill #i keep trying to explain to people how pots works because that’s all logical but there’s no way to explain what it’s doing to my body or ho #i feel all the time. the last time i felt this bad was when i had a bad flu or immediately after surgeries because i don’t react well to #anesthesia and always come out of them feeling like shit. and now i just feel like this all the time and it’s only getting worse #I can’t even stay up late anymore because my body feels like it isn’t counting the sleep even if I get 8 hours #I can deal if I have a free day the day after but that just leaves Friday and Saturday nights and I usually still have to do homework

[biweeklybisexual]

i can’t wait to rewatch the mentalist episode where a catatonic Kristina tells Jane she’s at peace wherever she is now and oh she’s been able to talk to his wife and child !!!

and then rigsby, seeing how upset Jane is, completely misses the point (bless his heart) and is like oh but it could be worse Jane, Kristina your narrative mirror so essentially you haha could be completely dead !!! At least she’s catatonic, that’s good right ?!

like… doesn’t death seem like the better outcome for Jane/Kristina right now ?

you’re telling as an audience we’re not supposed to interpret that Jane still believes he’d be better off dead and reunited with his family ? what is this

#the mentalist #spiralling again #i could honestly write even more about this but I’m going to sound insane #but I don’t care so : it’s also very hum interesting 🤨 to me that Kristina represents Jane’s delusion #and she’s a character that steadfastly believes in the after life #I don’t think I ever really understood how cruel jane’s fate until now like he’s a man who passed for a psychic #pretended he could talk to ghosts for money but also bc it brought these people relief and hope #and then when his family dies he can’t contact them because it was all fake #what he did for others he can't do for himself #is someone else seeing this ? that’s so unbearably cruel like I’m tearing up rn #But then Kristina arrives and she gives him the Patrick Jane treatment trying to tell him no !! your wife and child are still there #???? I don’t know what the writers were on but they can keep it to themselves this is excruciating

[dirtbra1n]

okay I NEED to write a post that’s not just me taking the piss out of my mind palace and I need to write it like RIGHT NOW because I WANT to admit that there are things I’ve said that I think could be better or more accurate. there ARE bits and pieces I’ve neglected . and there are things that I haven’t articulated yet that I want other people to KNOW ABOUT!!!!

like with things other than himself masato’s poker face kind of sucks. with his older brother he’s way more open about how he feels, but he’s still not saying some critical SOMETHING. masato and tashiro, sometimes, occasionally, (frequently) just talk very easily. their dynamic is like astonishingly….. nuanced? like some days it’s taaaaashiiiiiiiiroooooo-kuuuuunnn and other days it’s

and some days, in my mind, masato is sitting very quiet and still watching tashiro do nothing in particular, and he’s torn between wanting to run away and stay right where he is until he stops breathing, or at least until his heart stops beating so damn hard.

and I definitely haven’t highlighted enough how legitimately functional and . well. “normal” . masato is externally despite his nights being plagued by dreams. or how so much of his angst is because, despite everything, he’s still just as young at heart as his friends are. in the space of his family, he’s still just a kid. he’s not unflappable he gets flustered and caught off guard he’s silly and expressive but he’s hard as hell to read sometimes. he lurks around corners. he’ll oscillate wildly between reflective and flippant. he’s PETTY.

he’s someone younger brother, and he’d rather be at his death bed than admit whatever fundamental something it is that he’s avoiding so hard.

like it’s. meaningful, that’s something I haven’t really gotten to. it’s meaningful that masato is always a few steps away from death, or half a dozen steps past it. he can even wear a detectives hat—it might be the only way he would ever, EVER open up. like. I’m going to loosely quote sunnnfish’s textbook but You can do things to a dead body that you can’t do to a living one.

but I also think that if I went back and altered the. dirtbrain hanzashiro canon, I guess. I’d make it easier to remember that masato isn’t 100% steeped in miseries. because I definitely think that I make it sound like that. like I should say that I don’t revel in his misery. not because it’s true necessarily but because I put so much of myself in front of and also into him that it reflects badly on me if I don’t. but anyway he still has his fun his distractions work it’s just that he’s plagued by dreams. the river is the metaphor for his burdens. that’s the bottom line. so it’s not that he’s being plagued by feeling nervous AND the river. they’re the same. the river is a prominent image in his mind, as it is in mine, but when he thinks of it he’s not thinking of it as the physical manifestation of his burdens, he’s not tying them to the river. they’re distinct in his mind, because he refuses self reflection.

also I’d play into the crime scene thing more. I like masato I want him to have fun and I think he deserves to wear a detective’s hat and dance around dgs holmes style. even if he does still have that massive puncture wound in his chest. even if he is still bleeding all over. like masato’s a weirdo but he’s not in isolation, is what I mean. not practically. he isolates HIMSELF but that’s because he’s ashamed of his vulnerability, not because of any external rejection. he has fun, still, but when he grows quiet, when his eyes open, when his expression is, ironically, even harder than usual to read, he’s being burdened by himself. but otherwise it is out of sight out of mind and hanzawa masato does so enjoy being silly and weird.

the thing, though, is that tashiro, from his outside perspective, DOES think of the river as it’s own entity. how could he not. he hasn’t been filled in yet on the things masato’s been putting up with in that freaky head of his, so he thinks of a river washing hanzawa senpai up like any regular corpse and it’s.. scary! if he could, masato would dance around his own corpse, investigating the lividity and wound in his chest with detached enough vigor, but tashiro isn’t like that. tashiro CAN’T be like that. tashiro had been surrounded by red lighting, flickering, buzzing, and saw the body in the water, and decided that he was here to do something, and he went and pulled him out and bandaged him up. which is a scene I’ve been struggling to write. and obviously “decided” is a bit misleading, because there was nothing else to do. like what sort of demon would tashiro have to be to see someone floating down a river in a scary environment like this and just LEAVE them there?

it’s like as far as chronology goes tashiro’s interactions with the river are complicated. because in MY chronology like as in the order they were written by me. in my capacity as writer. tashiro’s in reality first, only seeing trace unrealisms following masato around (the lanterns in the hallway, the blue hour, etc.) but in THEIR chronology. tashiro, who’s unacquainted with dreams mostly, suddenly is viscerally aware that he’s in one, and there’s a river in it. and while I haven’t gotten to saying so explicitly yet, like with a lot of things, the closest tashiro gets to being in the river is a dangled foot over the side of the pavement, skimming it. not taking a proper step into that world, but getting a feel for it. and then he takes hold of masato’s wrist, then hand, and pulls him out of the murk. bandages him up. mapping intimacy, hands brushing against masato’s ribcage.

and it’s obvious for me to say, I live in my brain and all of these details click together in ways that are mostly going unnoticed, this is before any realizations are fulfilled on tashiro’s part. he’s doing this because he found hanzawa senpai basically Dead in a river and he could help. he’s doing this because he’s himself. he’s doing this because he has no idea why else he would be here.

it’s just like. dirtbrain’s hanzawa to tashiro is a struggle between my capacity as a writer and my understanding that I could tell the story I want to tell so much better in a visual medium that I don’t have access to. so basically while I work out my own shortcomings everyone join hands with me so we can send harusono sensei psychic pleas for news on hanzawa to tashiro. or at least the over 10000 words on hanzawa masato. etc.

#hanzawa to tashiro #AUGH. artistic expressions tiring. i need a drink #sorry for a long post that’s not. 100% one thing. but also i’m really not i could have spent allllll day today #finishing up the post i started last night that RAPIDLY spiraled out of control. that one’s probably two separate posts if done right #and again neither of them particularly narrative in any meaningful capacity. but one points out a detail i’ve been stuck on since august #and the other serves much the same purpose as this one in trying to fill everyone in on the Dirtbrain canon #so that i don’t try to fit all that context into the narrative ones. it’s for the greater good. sort of #really i think i’m due for a media consumption marathon where i’m not trying to actually CREATE anything #but all those posts about how making art i don’t necessarily love is better than keeping it in me. because it’ll make me sick if it festers #yeah. that. whatever. so in the meantime i’m crawling back to being an ideas guy #and as we all know. ideas guys of my caliber just can NOT shut the fuck up. love and light #dirtbrain digression

[thefiresofpompeii]

i don’t want to kill myself but looking at the future sometimes i feel like i have no other option. i fucked it up too far without anticipating consequences and it’s too late to make a change or strive towards any kind of hopeful meaningful existence. there is no way out for someone like me who has nothing going for them, squandered any opportunity, any talent, everything that was handed to them on a silver platter. no interesting personality traits, no aptitudes, nothing to make up for the gaping void where motivation and will to live and thrive and put in effort towards a goal should be. even the most basic steps are a pipe dream. i don’t want to die because i fear the possibility of hell but i no longer see any tolerable way of living.

#i reread parts of mark fisher’s capitalist realism last night and i know it’s unhealthy for theory to cement your own depressive spiral but #i’m thinking of him. even an accomplished thinker and it’s all the fucking same #i’m goinh to listen to swans and cry. i skipped class again and for fucking what #notice how it’s all i i i i i. i have no community no support network no close friends no partner nothing #only my parents who are affluent enough to support me financially but that support is conditional because if #they knew about what i was really like and even parts of my identity that support would be cut off and because i #have no marketable skills i would be left penniless to beg on the street #how long can i keep pretending to be cis and depending on them for vital necessities? until i’m 22? 25? #dropping out isn’t even an option because a bachelors’ degree is prerequisite to getting ANY job that pays above minimum wage but i #feel no passion for the subject i’m studying despite it being literally one of the only things i used to be GREAT at (media analysis; so — #lit major; on foundations for liberal arts; which should be all about PASSION FOR THE SUBJECT) #i’m teetering on the precipice of a steep cliff that drops down into the abyss of abject poverty with no way out #i don’t know what i enjoy doing; what to dedicate my resources and energy to; if i have none left. i don’t even smoke or drink or do drugs #it’s just sober suffering in silence. of course the meds don’t fucking help; meds can’t alter the world around us or our circumstances #this fucking close to going out and buying a rope. i have free will :)) hell can’t be real; it can’t be. worst that could #happen is reincarnation and honestly i could go for a second chance #jamie.txt #tw suicidal ideation

[swordmaid]

AM thinking that if shri’iia had not been kidnapped by the nautiloid she would’ve still been tadpoled and enthralled by the absolute just because they were targeting drows and I’m thinking shri’iia’s matriarch had told her to investigate the drows that have disappeared like specifically a baenre highborn and her army disappeared when they went to the surface? that’s sus and her matriarch is like in everyone’s business anyway. SO in like a companion au if she isn’t recruited, shri’iia become one of the absolute goons you see in moonrise. probably a guard or something. likewise, i like to imagine in her playthrough she’s kind of like 🧍‍♂️ once they’ve visited moonrise and she saw that most of the guards there were the drows she was sent out to investigate. kind of like oh so THATS what happened to them. then when she finds that journal in ketheric’s desk talking abt how they were specifically targeting drow exiles she’s like …huh.

#but something about how the absolute promises love and power to her followers and how that would be SO appealing to lolth sworn drows bc #lolth is anything but that … like ik they’re all brainwashed but I’m so 😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫 at the concept of them being willing to jump ship when #they’re promised love bc it’s something that they don’t get from their goddess … #and lolth’s relationship with the drows being an allegory of domestic abuse bc she’s the reason why they were exiled at the first place … #and she treats them like dog shit and keeps them paranoid and fearful but they stay with her anyway #and to reroute it back to shri’iia - her projecting Lolth on The Matriarch and their relationship being similar in nature #but it’s less physical abuse and more of a mental manipulation #like her Matriarch keeping her isolated so shri’iia becomes codependent #which she DID. and she still is. so when she broke her oath she literally did not know what to do #then she goes into that whole journey of reclaiming her self agency bc she used to just think of herself #her person / her body as a vessel to carry out her Oath and her Oath was the only thing that mattered to her #and it DEFINED her. like that’s her entire existence. but now it’s gone so she has to learn be a person again or else she’ll spiral #so now she is…!! and it’s a long journey but one worth taking .. #also I imagine she never had any boundaries when it came to The Matriarch so she is def learning the power of the word No #and learning what she likes to do instead of being down for whatever the person wants to do #bc she just wants to please them so badly #every time I think of her animal sona I’m like a bunny would be so cute but lbr she is a dog. a hound even

[deadlittledogs]

OKAY….. SLAY………..

this gives me just an inch of closure as the perpetual question solidified in my mind has been “What did I do to make you stop loving me?”

There was such a warp of reality at the end, this denial of truth, it stunk of her disorder but I couldn’t help but ask myself, “Am I asking for too much? Is it really all in my head? Am I misremembering all those years? Am I truly the ‘bad’ one, making fuss out of nothing?”

I take solace in the understanding now that she was consumed by the sickness. I know that I did all that I could, that unfortunately my love, compassion and loyalty never would’ve been enough to escape this. This always would’ve been the outcome as long as she refused to get treatment for it.

It’s interesting to think that she will do this again. She will eat and consume and ruin everybody around her in a desperate attempt to save herself. Every lover she takes will see the trail behind her that she has pillaged but they will believe that they are special, she will treat them special. She will feed the delusion that her love for you is beyond the sickness and what you have together stretches eons. She will not tell you that she will, she will leave you too, and she will not look back.

She’ll never look back.

And this why if I ever get intimately involved with someone with this diagnosis again my rule is that they need to actively be in treatment or it’s no dice lol! (*^◯^*)

#I was so in denial about her diagnosis for so long because subconsciously I knew what it meant for us #and I reaaallly didn’t want to face that fact #but now I’ve truly learned my lesson lol #and it sucks SO FUCKING HARD #she ruined me and I know for certain now that she DOESN’T care #because she found a new favorite person to latch onto #so I’m just. dirt. I’m nothing. all those years were truly in vain. there was no point to them. #she has no guilt for what she did to me because she no longer values me as someone important to her #it’s just……….. fucking disgusting………. #and the fact that she kept putting off getting treatment #even though she KNEW she was spiraling #it’s just so fucking selfish idk #she’s fucking disgusting. I really really truly fucking hate her. #If I ever see her again I WILL be spitting in her face.

[hella1975]

WHY ARE YOU MESSAGING ME NOW OF ALL TIMES 🤺🤺 BACK 🤺 BACK I SAY 🤺🤺🤺

#not the childhood best friend popping up it’s as if he knows my mental health is fucked when I’m home #he said yes now is a great time to reach out actually #and he’s right too! i know damn well I’m gonna respond! #basically <- typed that word and burst out laughing bc idk how to even START explaining this mf to you guys #basicallyyyy me and him were in the same form at secondary so EVERY DAY we saw each other and in year 8 we dated #for a good while actually but tbh my mental health was FUCKED all caps FUCKED in year 8 like there was nothing special about it #it's just i reckon it was the first proper depressive episode i had and being so young i didnt know yet how to handle it #so i just spiralled and i did some really awful things and my home life really suffered for it and being me no one at school had a CLUE #so he was just like 'yes we are in love!' and i knew i didn't like him romantcially but i strung him along anyway #bc he genuinely was one of the few things keeping me above water at the time #which looking back i now know was a bad thing to do and i should have called it off sooner but like #his friendship was EVERYTHING to me at the time bc he was like really. adoring? he was really really infatuated with me #and at a time when i was convinced i was a monster it was just. i cannot explain how much he kept me sane #though he was obvs OBLIVIOUS to all that and when i finally got Mentally Healthy again i obvs broke up with him bc it was the right #thing to do and he was DEVASTATED like this man was vaguing about me on sc and refused to talk to me for MONTHS #but eventually we became friends again and at a time when i was changing friendship groups every YEAR if that he was just #a really consistant point in my life and i loved him a lot. BUT he always went for really batshit girlfriends and they always HATED me #no matter how nice i was to them and he'd always break up with them and crawl back to me and we argued like cat and dog like #he's the only friend ive ever had where we argued ALL THE TIME and he still liked me enough to come back #i genuinely thought the world of him despite everything we just have sooo much history #AND NOW HE'S MESSAGING ME???? god im not your strongest soldier

[ohlovxr]

i’m on my knees begging if there’s anyone who follows me that watches moon knight, pls send me sexy or sweet or any kind of thoughts pls pls pls

#steven and marc are all i can think about #lowkey layla too #i’m about to make my tags long again by saying i don’t know if i’m fully comfortable writing for women #bc it’ll lowkey send me into a whole spiral idk idk but anyways #i’m stopping here so pls pls pls send me thoughts if you’re obsessed with them and we can be thirsty together #steven grant x reader #marc spector x reader