#i'm in paralysis and it's unhelpful

[outofbodyinjury]

my stats final paper is due tomorrow and I sort of know what to do but I think I'm missing so many steps, someone please remind me that it's better to hand in something wrong and maaaaaayyyybe pass than to get scared and hand in nothing at all :(

#i'm in paralysis and it's unhelpful #alternately: if you know how to use stata to do multivariate regression models I could use the help :( #j personal

[gemmahale]

I wish I could explain how overwhelmed I feel right now.

Instead, picture 6 or 7 different flocks of different birds, all screaming their mating calls and whatever bullshit birds discuss at human frequencies.

That's my brain right now.

#gemma rambles #the paralysis is untenable #lists? unhelpful and overwhelming #Pick one thing? what if it's the WRONG thing #I'm a do it all or don't #this piecemeal approach to the house and to my wardrobe and to everything is killing me slowly

[ccarrot]

More Chuuya hcs pls

Lemme tell you a little about my aus while i'm at it!!

Whenever i draw SB lab art, if he's got short sleeves and Dark eyes its chuuya and short sleeves with crazy contracted eyes it's cloneboy! If chuuya's wearing a. longsleeved nightgown it's Chuuya from schoolkoku au!

So the mechanics of Corruption are a little strange because N wants chuuya to say the trigger phrase presumably to "factory reset his mind" but in order to actually activate Corruption he needs to wear the ability proof anti-mindcontrol hat BEFORE he says the trigger so that his mind doesnt get wiped in the process.

To continue on Corruption, if N was intending to get Chuuya to actually activate it, then there COULD be a way for Chuuya to stop it himself. I don't buy the idea that Chuuya's been literally coded to respond a certain way to the words, but maybe it's true that he's been conditioned/brainwashed in a way. In any case it's not lile Verlaine's Brutalization.

Nawy originalaccountname has convinced me that Chuuya has a fear of electricity and lightning storms.

Donut Shop Chuuya experiences an Evangelion Mental Breakdown(tm) at 19. Regains a Lifetime of memories. and the stress of that makes him benched from his executive duties. At some point he just, ditches Yokohama and holes up with Adam and Mary in England for a bit. Donut Shop Chuuya comes back to become Dazai's Bakery employee at some point but not after getting dragged into the Bungo Stray Dogs plot. Hopefully no more fighting for this boy afterwards.

Chuuya's ability is sustained by a singularity ability right? The point at which somthing reaches an infinite value is essentially a singularity, for black holes i think its when the center becomes infinitely dense bc the gravitational pull becomes infinte. My loose memory of physics concepts aside, If chuuya's base ability was enhancement, then Corruption is triggered when the enhancement gets activated on himself, and he's get closer to death when the gravity of his ability gets closer to infinity. Asagiri is a Nerd.

I think if Chuuya ever dies, his ability would like. Explode out of him into a giant black smoke hound thing. A massive BEAST emerges in the wake of his death. Gwahh so edgy.

Like ghhh i think if he never managed to leave the lab he WOULD see N as a caring father figure to look up to. From what we know about N he isn't clinically detached, he's very hands on and manipulative. And we also know that chuuya WILL latch onto any form of kindness and devote his LIFE to uphold that. He'd think of N as his parent.

Most of my skk aus involve Chuuya experiencing the Horrors and Dazai is the pov character who goes through comparitively more realistic trials. I follow Asagiri's formula 👍

More abt hallucinations. That scene was definitely supposed to draw a parallel with him and Atsushi i think btw. So i hc he has issues with night terrors and audiovisual hallucinations, no matter how much he ignores his trauma he wont escape these till he faces it head on. Anyways i think he encounters "ghosts" a lot. The Flags, people he may have killed. Murase really frequently, and N when he gets stuck with sleep paralysis fhh. One he minds the least is Rimbaud actually. Rimbaud's "ghost" is never unhelpful but not one he regrets too much either. Rimbaud's last words to him DID fundementally impact the course of Chuuya's life

Either way he gets bad insomnia. Perpetually has reddish under eyes. He uses makeup lately. The edgy red eyeliner to fit his vibe. Bro is so tired.

Chuuya gets injured easily and a lot but he walks it off like A Champ. Perks of an inhumanly good pain tolerance. Also he gets chronic migranes and pain in general.

He actually smiles a lot. He tries to be really expressive when he talks to people, and if he isn't annoyed or half zoned out he'll try to appear friendly. This doesn't apply to School au or Analog au chuuya, those two girlies are still learning the muscle movements for smiling.

I headcanon Chuuya to be singularly the coolest character in bsd ever and no one can compete. Chuuya won an Oscar.

#ask #headcanons #chuuya

[liskantope]

I always find your thoughts on dating apps to be super interesting, and I'm sorry to hear about the demoralizing nature of it (which has been precisely my experience, too, for the past couple of years).

It got me randomly thinking, do you feel that one reason the dating sites don't generally work is because, counterintuitively, there's too much to choose from? In other words, the very fact that we know there are so many profiles makes us more likely to pass on people who we might have been willing to give a chance in real life.

I'll admit outright that I'm guilty of that, and it might not be the case with most other people, but I do wonder if the overabundance of profiles on the dating apps has some unhelpful effect.

I hope you have better luck real soon, by the way!

Thanks for the kindness and commiseration! In fact, just in the last couple of years, everyone I hear discussing modern online dating seems to express a disgust with it and seems to feel some degree/variety of hopelessness around it. I was at a meetup event organized by a woman for single men some months ago, the purpose being to discuss what the dating world looks like from men's point of view, and the one thing that we seemed to unanimously agree on was "Online dating sucks!" Part of it clearly has to do with dating apps just visibly getting worse. Just twice in the past couple of weeks there have been snarky offhand mentions (one of them on ACX) of "OKCupid, back when it was still good". And I have the same feeling: it's hard for me to put a finger on precisely which changes in the interface of the dating apps I've been on have made the overall experience much worse than it was even a few years ago*, but it's there.

Anyway, to more closely address your question, I've heard the "paralysis and decreased happiness from having more choices" hypothesis from time to time in conversations (mostly from podcasts) about the modern world of dating. It's a much more generally-applied hypothesis as to why there seems to be more unhappiness (among certain populations) in modern times than half a century ago; I even recall there being a famous TED talk on it. I think this phenomenon must have an effect for some people in some areas of the online dating realm, but my suspicion is that this is mostly a factor for women seeking men through online dating. My impression of most women on dating apps who are reasonably attractive and have some ability to post decent photos is that they have a plethora of men to choose from, a very large percentage of whom will right-swipe them back, so they might as well aim for the top. But then, the men they perceive via very limited digital profiles to be the cream of the crop often turn out to be disappointing in person.

This could be an issue for some non-women not seeking men online as well, I suppose (although from what I hear, my experience of putting tons of energy in desperate hopes of getting a single match every now and then is pretty normal for men seeking women, even men I would consider more attractive than me, and plenty of men who are not me follow the strategy of just right-swiping everyone so your suggestion certainly doesn't seem to apply to them). But I don't really think it's an issue for me: as I said in my last post, the vast majority of dating profiles I see show women don't enthuse me on one or more fairly basic parameters (this is particularly the case on OKCupid, where a lot more information tends to be exposed). This sounds like I'm being very demanding -- and whether I am is a question I ask myself all the time -- but these criteria just don't seem like they should be too much to ask for, although I'm beginning to see why as our history progresses and as I get older it was bound to get harder and harder to find them.

These basic parameters aren't as visible with someone you've just met in real life, and maybe if I met some of them in real life I'd find them more dateable than they appear in a profile, and maybe chemistry would take over powerfully enough for me to be more flexible on certain things than I currently think myself capable of. But admitting this possibility is subtly but significantly different from saying that the multitude of choices presented to me on dating sites raises my standards: I just don't think it has, or that for me the larger number of choices has anything to do with it.

Anyway, I wish you better luck too!

*The closest I can come to explaining coherently is that they are more visibly trying to find ways to get my money. Which I find not only annoying but somehow infantalizing in a way I can't quite explain, even to myself. My attitude doesn't seem entirely defensible when I zoom out and consider that there's no reason dating sites should have to be free: they are businesses that have to stay in business and have every right to try to get me to pay money. There's just some holdout within the last bit of my internalized stigma around using dating sites that makes me strangely proud of how I've never spent a single penny on dating sites in 11-12 years of on-and-off using them. (At the single men's event I mentioned above, one bit of advice some other guys gave to me is "if you're a guy, you have to spend money on dating apps, otherwise they're not going to be effective.")

#online dating #okcupid #the paradox of choice

[ao3feed-jonmartin]

A New Approach

read it on AO3 at https://ift.tt/GYrt92D by SkylarSolstice Tim is not at all prepared to be promoted to Head Archivist and Elias really throws him off the deep end. Sasha seems to be purposefully unhelpful until the team realizes something is very wrong with the Magnus Institute. It's up to them to unravel the mystery and secrets of the Archives, hopefully before it's too late. Words: 6201, Chapters: 2/?, Language: English Fandoms: The Magnus Archives (Podcast) Rating: Mature Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence Categories: F/F, F/M, M/M, Multi Characters: Tim Stoker (The Magnus Archives), Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist, Sasha James, Martin Blackwood, Gerard Keay, Elias Bouchard | Jonah Magnus, Original Elias Bouchard, Melanie King, Georgie Barker, Basira Hussain, Alice "Daisy" Tonner, Peter Lukas, Oliver Banks, Jurgen Leitner, Nikola Orsinov Relationships: Sasha James/Gerard Keay/Tim Stoker, Martin Blackwood/Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist, Georgie Barker/Melanie King, Elias Bouchard | Jonah Magnus/Peter Lukas, Melanie King & Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist, Martin Blackwood & Sasha James & Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist & Tim Stoker, Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist & Tim Stoker, Basira Hussain & Alice "Daisy" Tonner Additional Tags: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canon-Typical Violence, Canon-Typical Worms (The Magnus Archives), Archivist Tim Stoker (The Magnus Archives), Tim Stoker Needs a Hug (The Magnus Archives), Sasha volunteers to do so, Martin Blackwood Has a Crush on Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist, Gay Panic, like a lot of gay panic especially Jon's, Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist & Tim Stoker Friendship, Protective Tim Stoker (The Magnus Archives), Bisexual Tim Stoker (The Magnus Archives), Melanie King & Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist Friendship, Sasha James and Tim Stoker Live (The Magnus Archives), But they are sus that Sasha was taken for a min lol, Eventual Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Hurt Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist, Tim Stoker Whump, Lots of emotional whump for Tim cause I'm mean, Tim is marked by the web, Suicide Attempt, discussion of suicide, Demisexual Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist, Martin isn't a lonely avatar cause it's just sad when it's him tbh, Jon has asthma just for funsies, Paralysis, They actually go to the hospital when someone gets hurt, Slaughter Avatar Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist, briefly lol read it on AO3 at https://ift.tt/GYrt92D

#IFTTT #ao3feed #fanfic #tma #jonmartin #jmart #jonathan sims #martin blackwood #jonmartin fanfic

[jarredlharris]

Thoughts while listening to a podcast episode critiquing the spiritual warfare movement.

I did a live thread capturing my thoughts as I listened to an episode of the Go Home Bible (You're Drunk) podcast. The following is an aggregated copy of that thread.

I don't listen regularly to @gohomebible (please don't hate me @JustinDGentry), but I occasionally listen to one of their podcasts. The title of their most recent one caught my eye.

Anything about "spiritual warfare" always piques my interest. For a few reasons:

While In college, I got into the spiritual warfare movement. So I have a history.

As a Pagan witch, I'm often a regular villain in the minds of those who practice spiritual warfare.

As a witch, I'm fascinated and amused by how much of the spiritual warfare practices seem to mimic witchcraft and other forms of magic. This is especially amusing in light of #2 in this list. So, this is a livetweet thread of the latest @gohomebible episode.

(Wow, a podcast listen-and-tweet session by me that's not focused on @ThereafterPod? Can everyone handle it.) Anyway, pressing the play button on the episode now.

.@JustinDGentry: "Current debtholder." Seen, Justin. Seen. @gohomebible

.@JustinDGentry and @ToriGlass are talking about how "putting women on a pedestal" is still objectifying them. @gohomebible

Quick! Someone should start a pool taking bets on how many times I tag the wrong podcast in this thread. @gohomebible

I love how all of these podcasts promote each other. Beautiful stuff. @gohomebible

They're talking about "Sound of Freedom" right now. An important conversation. @gohomebible

Discussing (evangelical) men's need to rescuing "things" (particularly women just puts me in mind of the "Damsel in Distress" trope in video games that Anita Sarkeesian covered years ago. Apparently, saving Princess Peach isn't enough for some guys. @gohomebible

.@ToriGlass is talking about how evangelicals seem to implicitly trust other (evangelical) Christians without fact-checking or critical thinking. Excellent point. @gohomebible

About to get to the spiritual warfare discussion. Can't wait! @gohomebible

So apparently the Patreon levels for the podcast are named after church leadership positions? That's kinda funny. @gohomebible

.@JustinDGentry: If you ever had to cast out a demon or learn to do so, you have permission to drink throughout the episode." Guess I should've bought a ton of booze. @gohomebible

They're talking about how much paranoia there is in the spiritual warfare movement. So true. @gohomebible

As an aside, the number is still "zero," but there have been quite a few close calls. @gohomebible

@JarredH: Quick! Someone should start a pool taking bets on how many times I tag the wrong podcast in this thread. @gohomebible

@JustinDGentry is talking about how people in his life attributed sleep paralysis to demons. I'd imagine that'd be pretty unhelpful and harmful. @gohomebible

In my experience, those in the spiritual warfare are extremely skeptical of and hostile to therapy. Probably a huge reason for that. @gohomebible

.@ToriGlass is giving a high level (and probably simplified) explanation of the neurological causes behind sleep paralysis and it's pretty interesting. Would love to learn more. @gohomebible

.@ToriGlass: "We're weirdos." Reminds me of the line from "The Craft." It was a much better line in that movie, though. @gohomebible

.@JustinDGentry is suggesting that ND people might want to take more nuance when talking about how their upbringing impacted them. Probably, but I'd say that's good advice for NT people at way. @gohomebible

Yay! @JustinDGentry mentioned prayer walks! I forget how many of those I and my friends did while in college. @gohomebible

.@ToriGlass mentioned that there are pastors who teach that autism is caused by demons. I realize he's not the only one, but I gotta ask: Are we avoiding mentioning Greg Locke by name? @gohomebible

Kinda waiting for @ToriGlass and @JustinDGentry to say "victim blaming." @gohomebible

Those poor pigs! (You'll have to listen to understand the context.) @gohomebible

.@JustinDGentry: "If I jerk off too much, can I be possessed?" Sadly, I get how someone embedded in the spiritual warfare movement would worry about that. It's so tragic, though. @gohomebible

I'm amused that @JustinDGentry mentioned he "got rid of the devil rather quickly." It's funny to me that leaving the spiritual warfare movement accomplished the goal of the movement far better than the movement itself ever did. @gohomebible

.@ToriGlass calls spiritual warfare a "get out of the work free card" and I think that's a perfect analysis. @gohomebible

Cleaning up the mentions in this thread so that I don't blow up people's personal accounts with even more notifications. @gohomebible

This was an excellent episode that focused on the psychological harms of the spiritual warfare movement. @gohomebible

Now if I can conclude this thread with a little shameless self-promotion. I've covered the spiritual warfare in various threads in the past from a different angle. I often analyze and criticize the movement from a theological and/or magical perspective.

If that's something that would interest you, I'd encourage you to search through my past tweets.

For example, you might be interested in this thread from January where I watched an analyzed a YouTube video by Julia Dee Motycka called "Power, Prayer, and Spiritual Warfare."

#spiritual warfare movement #podcasts #evangelical harm #Spotify

[cosmic--divinity]

Collective Reading #1

(I hate Tumblr's formatting. That being said, I typed this on my laptop so I'm sorry if it looks weird for mobile users 💚)

Disclaimer: I am not a "love and light only" kind of witch. I don't sugar coat my messages or only give "good vibe" readings because what you need to hear is what you need to hear. I believe in you and your discernment to make the best decision for yourself in regards to my messages.

Cards for this reading: The High Priestess (Reverse), King of Cups (Reverse), 2 of Swords, 7 of Cups, Ace of Swords

Bottom of the Deck: King of Swords

The 2 of Swords was my first card. So, off the bat, there's a hard decision that needs to be made but we're (meaning the collective, reading this ;p) unwilling to even acknowledge that we need to make a choice. Because this is a general, collective reading, I won't know what decision it is you need to be making. Howsoever, I am going to look at what's making this choice so difficult to acknowledge.

The rest of my cards came after and I laid them out in the order above, because it feels like we're too out of touch with ourselves to know where to start in the decision making process. With the High Priestess and King of Cups both in reverse, I have to ask, how are you feeling, my dear? Do you even know or do you have a crack-of-the-whip response to that question so you don't have to think about what you're feeling? That's the blockage though, babe. If you won't acknowledge yourself and take stock on how you're doing, then of course you won't be able to make the decision best for yourself.

But that's the point, right? There's an unwillingness to make the choice because you don't trust yourself to make a good decision (as seen with the 7 of cups). You're about to get stuck in analysis paralysis in trying to discern where you could take the wrong step. You just don't want to get hurt. I understand that completely, sweetpea.

No matter what though, a choice needs to be made. And unfortunately, the answer isn't going to just come to you. You have to think about it. Open your mind up (Ace of Swords) and lay down the judgements you have for yourself, they won't do you any good right now. Be gentle and kind instead of berating yourself for having a bad thought, for "being unhelpful" because your mind is wandering. Whatever it is that makes it difficult for you to work with yourself, stop treating that part of YOU badly. Try being kind about redirecting your thoughts instead. You have to work through the pain, the uneasiness, the discomfort. The more you work through that, the easier it will be to pick your best path. But if you're fighting yourself and telling yourself you're "wrong" for feeling or thinking about a dozen different things, it will just make the process much harder and longer for yourself. You don't have to keep yourself in line when you're by yourself like you do when you're around others. (Which I understand that but at the same time, like, you don't really have to do it when you're around others either but that's for a different time lmao.) Instead, you can be inquisitive about your own thoughts, feelings, and actions. It would be a good stepping point to understanding yourself. You can do this!

And as for the bottom of the deck, the King of Swords, remember that you have the authority here. You are the one making this decision. This decision is best made with the bigger picture, your future, in mind. Take a few deep breaths to focus your mind, get out of your mindless scrolling, and decide to show up for yourself. Decide to trust yourself, just this once, so you can work on making the best decision you can in your current situation.

I believe in you!!! You can do it!! Believe in yourself and come back to me!

Okay, that's all I have for you my dear collective. Thank you so much for reading! If you'd like a private reading, please shoot me a message. I currently have 3 free readings spots open, so first come first serve! Please remember I do have the right to refuse service.

If this resonated, please like, comment, reblog, or follow me! Interaction is the lifeblood that I crave 0w0

#collective reading #tarot #tarotblr #tarot reading #collective #my readings

[letsdiscoverkitty]

Short Update

12.03.22//

I'm really sorry that I have been so pants at writing the update that I promised...truth be told, Im finding it hard to know what to say/where to start and my brain is complete mush/fog right now. Not only that but I am also feeling incredibly embarrassed/ashamed of my current situation.

Things were going so well with my degree apprenticeship. I was making great progress at work, getting great feedback and becoming more confident/settled in the role. Uni side was going fine, I wasn't enjoying the study blocks social aspects but the units were interesting and I was enjoying seeing how it could be applied to my every day job.

However underneath/amongst it all, anorexia has been raging and screaming, holding full control of the reins for longer than I care to admit. Looking back, the whole of my last admission (a top up to help me get out of a relapse after the previous admission before I started work) was dictated and controlled by anorexia. (It was also incredibly unhelpful on the ward and the support I got was just....a shambles but that's a whole other story). Upon reflection, I don't think that I have ever been willing enough or strong enough (or 'whatever' enough) to let it go of the eating disorder, it's rules, behaviours etc. And so the cycles have continued to playing out on repeat. I am beyond tired/exhausted/frustrated/lost for words at myself, and so is everyone else tbh. There really is nothing more/new to say anymore. It's just really shit/sad.

I keep on failing and messing up just when there seems to be a little ray of 'hope' (Uni/travelling/work etc) and it's probably down to the illness getting so engrained and stuck and rigid and me never really willing to let it go or move forwards from it....

My therapist felt at a bit of a loss too, we were working well with SCHEMA and made some important progress, however the sessions then got overruled by the need to focus on my physical health as it became the priority. We then somehow started touching on some trauma work and it brought more to the surface than we realised it would...

But yes, I digress, and I forgot that this was meant to be "short"...

Over the past few months things have deteriorated and I was signed off from work 2 months ago as I was unable to make changes whilst working and studying. The hope was I could turn things around after an urgent review and being given a timeline/ultimatum...but no amount of desire to get back to work or study could unlatch the tight grip that anorexia has had on me. Being signed off from work unfortunately also fed right into the depression slump and I've found myself floating and sinking (whilst simultaneously sticking my head in the sand in the attempt to avoid reality) far more/further than I want to admit.

Sadly time was not on my side and my body hasnt been coping so well and so the my team felt I couldn't be left in the community any longer. So after trying to turn down numerous bed offers for SEDUs (because the last place I wanted to end up was on a EDU and genuinely wanting to do it from home), I agreed to be admitted to a completely different unit on Wednesday (9th March). I feel utterly horrendous and like the biggest failure in the world. Work have been beyond amazing/supportive/kind/understanding but my inner self critic is raging louder and louder. It is so hard to describe the paralysis of wanting and knowing so badly what you need and want to do but being utterly frozen to the spot and unable to move.

It is very early days and I am currently trying to find my feet on the ward - Im terrified for what the next few weeks hold as the refeeding process progresses and I don't know how long I am going to be here but I am determined to make this admission different and make it the last one I ever have to have again. The unit seems to be very different to all my past admissions so I am hoping that might help in elements but I know deep down that it has to come from me. And I am sick and tired of these cycles replaying in my life. It's the same old boring noise coming out of anorexia again and again and again. and Im done. I can't keep doing this to myself or my family. Im done.

I feel sad because there was such a huge part of me that wanted (and still does want) to be doing this in the community, I knew what I needed to do and I wanted to be doing it for myself. However right now I am having to accept that I need a little more help and support, which is hard. I am trying to tell myself that there is nothing to be ashamed of but it is so much easier said than done. Anorexia is so fucking complicated and messy. I genuinely don't think there is one cause or thing and it feels so overwhelming when I try to understand all its roots and twists and turns....it's insidious.

It has been controlling my whole entire life, and the lives of the people around me. I have been its puppet. And it's made me feel like I don't know how to live/move without it. Well this has gone on for far too long. Far too long.

So yes, I suppose that is my "short" update for now. I'm sorry.

#personal #update #I am sorry to be such a mess and disappointment #and I am just as frustrated and annoyed as everyone else if not more so #i hate this

[aftgficrec]

i know this has been asked before because i’ve read through what feels like all of them, but any more/new fics exploring Neil’s PTSD? honestly i’m just a sucker for Neil angst and subsequent comfort (especially from andrew, kevin, or matt)

love you guys and all your hard work! virtual love all around <3

Here are some of the more recent fics we found where Neil deals with mental health issues, as well as some older fics we haven’t rec’ed before.  Take care! -S

Long fics where Neil tries to cope with ptsd/depression here

Neil has flashbacks here

Sleep paralysis/ptsd here

Andrew supports Neil through a panic attack here

‘I'm Not Okay (I Promise)’, ‘It’s not living (If it’s not with you)’, ‘Phantom Pains’ and ‘Beyond close doors’ here

‘and more than a few bleed into you’, ‘and when i'm a little unsteady (stay a while with me)’ and ‘this voice inside has been eating at me’ here

‘Unsteady’ here

‘stifle my choice and the air in my lungs’ here

soft spots make easy targets by Willow_bird [Rated M, 3777 words, complete, 2021]

The few hours Neil was able to sleep weren’t enough to counteract the hungry, gnawing pit of terror that had been replaced in his chest by the nightmares. When he woke it was to an ache under his skin and the press of knives behind his knees, pushing him to run. A year ago, he would have. Most days, if he woke up with that sort of itch under his skin he would at least cram his feet into his shoes and take a run around campus (or around town) until he’d either worn himself down or outrun the impulse to flee. 

But today was Sunday, and even on weekends spent on campus, Sundays were days where Neil did not have to deal with anyone - not even Andrew - if he didn’t want to. 

On a day that Neil should be able to hang back and recuperate, things go from bad to worse when a particular freshman gets involved.

tw: nightmares, tw: violence, tw: dissociation

Dare You to Hurt Me by jjmash [Rated M, 3351 words, complete, 2021]

Neil panics. Neil runs. Neil comes back.

tw: panic attacks, tw: self harm

My Best Friend by lupinseclipse [Not Rated, 2842 words, complete, 2021]

It was a bad day for Neil. So bad. And Andrew and the monsters are away. Only the upperclassmen were in the Fox Tower.

But that's okay.

Because the upperclassmen includes Matt.

And Matt knows Neil.

tw: panic attacks

Dead Yet by demesh [Rated G, 5950 words, complete, 2021]

Neil has a problem. Instead of dealing with it, he does everything in his power to avoid thinking about it — which really consists of a lot of running, a lot of practicing, and an unhelpful case of insomnia.

The exhaustion does wonders to dull his anxieties. That is, until everything comes crashing down in his face.

tw: anxiety

You Try Until You Can't by AliceTabitha [Rated T, 3129 words, complete, 2018]

Neil knew before he opened his eyes that this wasn’t going to be a good day.

Neil Josten has survived everything thrown at him, and he has countless scars to prove it. After all that, it's not unusual for his days to turn sour, but at least he's got Andrew and his team to help pull him back together in the end. With extra support and advice from Wymack, maybe things might somehow end up alright. For today, he just needs to keep surviving.

tw: panic attacks, tw: implied/referenced abuse, tw: implied/referenced violence

Drowning by justdk [Rated T, 2138 words, complete, 2017]

The Foxes' pool party almost ends in murder.

tw: implied/referenced abuse, tw: drowning, tw: panic attacks, tw: dissociation

neil having a panic attack in front of the foxes prompt fill by @honoraryfox [tumblr, 2020]

Neil awoke with the image of a burning car in his mind. Dark smoke still stained his view, billowing up to the ceiling of his room. He rubbed his eyes, clearing away the pictures still surfacing of his dream, and he reminded himself how to breathe again.

tw: panic attacks

Andreil #’s 3 and 4 prompt fill by @play-exy-be-sexy [tumblr, 2020]

“How long has it been since you slept?”

#fic #Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard #Neil Josten & the foxes #Neil Josten & David Wymack #Matt Boyd & Neil Josten #universe: post canon #theme: angst with a happy ending #theme: fluff & angst #theme: mental health issues #theme: ptsd #theme: emotional hurt/comfort #theme: DID #theme: protectiveness #theme: hurt/comfort #theme: insomnia #theme: friendship #theme: crying #tw: self harm #tw: implied/referenced abuse #tw: implied/referenced violence #tw: panic attacks #tw: dissociation #tw: anxiety #tw: nightmares #tw: drowning

[altheterrible]

I saw my pulmonologist yesterday, and he was impressively unhelpful. All the tests that he sent me for were to confirm the diagnosis of right sided diaphragm paralysis. So now I know unequivocally that my extreme, constant shortness of breath is due to having only one functioning lung. Which is something I suppose.

So what do you do when only one lung works? Nothing, apparently. "You can live with one lung," he said, as though the constant fatigue and hypoxia symptoms are nothing more than a mild inconvenience. "There's nothing we can do on my end."

My pcp suggested incentive spirometry to strengthen the left lung and increase my lung capacity, so I'm giving that a shot. I need to be careful with doing too much cardio exercise because my oxygen levels drop to 88% when I'm just walking, but cardio could help increase my lung capacity so I'm torn. I'm just frustrated that this condition is so rare that no one's heard of it and thus no one realizes how much of a disability it really is.

#chronic illness