#idk how to get my words out today

[moeblob]

Deacon loves two things: Ymber and digging himself a grave.

Fulj hates one thing: Deacon.

#my characters #waiting on some info on the next commission so i indulged in ocs today bc i doubt i will have as much time for lil comics for a bit #deacon is so devoted hes like yeah i would kill for a deity that could easily kill anything himself but yknow teehee #and fulj just did you tell him you needed therapy also does he even know youd murder in his name #deacon caught red handed haha no of course i havent told him it should be obvious enough haha.... and its in his defense not his name :c #man really does have some issues but i love him so much and hes so devoted but like. unhealthily after a while #he does in fact need a chill pill and therapy but to be fair #ymber has needed therapy for centuries and yet he just bottles it all up and suffers so #its pretty unhealthy until they yell at each other one (1) time bc they are so insecure about things and get mad over very valid reasons #but then theyre like you know what that was necessary and i still want to stay by your side if you let me #and then fulj is like dude hey sorry you seem really happy did you fu- and ymber is like no please stop there we have not #fulj just squinting cause have not is very different than will not but whatever she doesnt wanna think about that with deacon involved ew #and eventually fulj is like hey ymber im sorry to say but i really do hate deacon and i dont even know why but he makes me uncomfortable #while deacon is just. in the room. hearing this and thinking how he knows she thinks hes weird but wow that wording hurts #and ymber doesnt wanna fill in memories better forgotten by fulj which she had forcefully removed #so he just says oh well his hair and clothing are black and you had someone in the past that you might see in him and its not a pleasant en #so you know maybe its that idk #and fulj is then WHATST i was rude to him for someone i cant even remember? lame im gonna try SO HARD to be nice to him now #and deacon just still sitting there with some food like this is v awkward and i wish i could not be here for it #and later he asks ymber about who he resembled and as ymber is descibing her it clicks in deacons head and he gets really sad #that he might somehow remind fulj of the woman she loved before she was punished for loving a mortal #and he feels kinda bad pestering her so much with his curiosities about deities and he kinda gets it #the fact hes close to ymber might remind her at the core that she was once that close with a mortal if not closer #anyway story time in the tags again #im so obsessed with these peeps and i have made them suffer so much but they do all end on a happy note #its still funny and nice to me that while fulj is creeped out by deacon and doesnt like talking to him #he still expresses the most emotions to her - he tries hard to remain serious around ymber and collected and obedient at all times #and when out and about with ymber he has to be intimidating and refuses smiling but fulj?? all sunshine and smiles and emotions easy to rea #and she is just that is so weird go away i hate you

[queer-reader-07]

something about finding the people who sit through your info dumps with joy on their face and enthusiasm for your passions. something about finding the people who info dump right back at you because they know you love hearing about their passions. something about finding the people who manage to sum up your being in one niche, oddly specific sentence that lives in your mind rent free for the rest of time. something about finding the people who not only accept you for who you are but embrace you for who you are. who not only tolerate your quirks and differences but love and cherish them.

#i’m in my feels today if you couldn’t tell #just thinking about one friend in particular who i don’t get to see in person nearly enough but i text all the time #idk it’s the little things #the way we send each other videos of ourselves explaining whatever we’re learning about right now #the way we don’t write it in a long message because the emotion and vibes don’t translate properly #the way he’s told me that the way i dress is so gender nonconforming in his eyes #how even though i’m afab and i wear glittery makeup and crop tops and have pink hair #i still look so queer and so gnc and so Not Girl in his eyes #how that felt so validating #how i could feel the genuine love in his words #how he told me once that i’m ‘not a person with lore but rather a person with a schtick’ #and how he explained to me what my schtick was and how accurate it was #how he told me he can’t wait for me to get my degree(s) and be an openly queer person in stem #how he can’t wait for me to defend my thesis sometime in the future and be wearing the brightest makeup and the biggest earrings #and the tallest boots #how he loves that i go to my chem lab every week with glitter on my eyes #how it’s cool that i don’t care if i stick out like a sore thumb because i’m me #i remember how he dropped the she/her pronouns immediately upon ne saying i didn’t really vibe with them #(even when they were still technically on my list of ‘ok to use pronouns’) #how his boyfriend who i don’t know very well has always they/them-ed me because my friend does #and if my friend is doing it then it must be the right thing #idk i just love my friends #and this friend in particular is someone i’ve gotten really close with over the past 6 months or so #and i’m so glad to have him in my life #platonic love #friendship #tell your friends you love them

[iceeericeee]

I wonder how many tags i can add on to this

#there must be SOME kind of a limit otherwise posts would get suuuuuuper duper long like is it just 30? #idk but i'm going to find out by simply maxxing out the character limit for each tag and finding out the limit of tags for each post lololo #this is gonna be great. i just have to remember to type without ever using the comma. it shouldn't be too hard right? fuck i almost typed #the comma i'm already bad at this smh my head. also if your still here i commend you. you have a better attention span than i do. #i'm already starting to get bored holy shit this is not happening. i gotta power through this. FOR SCIENCEEEEEEEEEE. or somethinggggggggggg #but fr idk what else to say. maybe just saying that i don't know what to say will be good enough? but does that even count? #I don't even know anymore. ffffffffuck. this is gonna be a while huh? also holy shit if you're still here omg u deserve like. a prize or #something because u definitely didn't have to stay and read all of this bull shit. lololol i typed out bs but decided to just spell the who #thing out just to make it go by faster. i'm so lazy. this is only the nineth tag HOW will i make it to 30. i am sobbing the adhd is adhding #very hard rn. are you still here? bruh this is insane. i have somehow managed to keep ur attention this long and it's just me spouting #absolute balderdash. wait do you know what balderdash even means? i don't care if you do already i'm gonna tell you anyway. balderdash is #basically just another word for nonsense. boom. you learned something new today. balderdash equals nonsense equals this damn post. #why did i decide to do this in the first place. it was a dumb idea. i don't know if i can even keep going. this is only the *counts tags* #it's the 14th tag. we've got a long way to go boys. men. soldiers. comrads. friends. besties peeps. marshmallows. #where was i going with this? oh yeah. trying to max out the limit for tags. dang i almost typed a comma there. i haven't done that since #i think the third or fourth tag. dang that feels like such a long time ago. not for you guys probably. it feels longer because i have to li #type it all out and stuff. so it's definitely gonna feel longer for me. are you still here? good lord don't you have better things to #be doing than reading all of this? we're already on tag number 18. it feels like i should be on the thirtyeth by now. or however it's spell #'toast' you might be wondering 'why are you typing out the names of the numbers instead of say '9' or '5'?' well you see. young one. #this is a strategy i'm using to make each tag slightly longer. even if i don't know how to spell it. it'll make it just a little bit longer #anyway. i got off topic. not that there was ever a topic to begin with. unless it's about making this as long as i can. #which i am apparently good at doing. i guess. are you STILL here? do you seriously have nothing to do? i guess i'm flattered you stayed thi #whole time. instead of reading something else you stayed here. with me. listening to me talk. on the twenty-third tag. oh yeah its tag 23 #except now it's tag twenty-four. how crazy is that. this little talk is almost over. only 6 tags away if memory serves right. this's strang #i kind of don't want this to end. but i know it should. after all there is a limit. but all things must come to and end at some point i gue #i'm running out of things to say. it's probably a good thing it's almost over. hahahahah............... but i don't want to go. i don't wan #to leave this post. i've worked so hard on it. and for what. just for it to end. are you still here? yes? good. i'd hate to end this alone. #thank you for indulging me and my craziness. the end is only 2 tags away now. you can go ahead and leave. i'll be okay on my own. really... #...you're still here? i- i don't know what to say. i suppose a toast is in order. perhaps. for this journey. this stupid dumb post i though #would be fun. i'll make it short. it's the last tag after all. this was fun. but i will never do it again. so long as a i live. i'll miss y

[piplupod]

why do counsellors think it's helpful to tell you "you shouldn't feel that way!" when you tell them something like "I am so stressed about spiders to the point where i have crying breakdowns thrice a week" or "I feel like I am somehow secretly a terrible person that needs to push everyone away to keep them safe from the rot that is inside of me"

like ... golly gee, thank you so much, that's soooo helpful, can't believe i never thought "wow! i shouldn't be feeling this way!" before, pretty crazy that you can just cure me with that one declaration!

#GIRL IF I KNEW HOW TO STOP FEELING THIS WAY I WOULD BE FINE !!! I WOULDNT BE TALKIN ABOUT IT WITH YOU #like okay yes. that is a good STARTING statement. but can u give me... something actionable perhaps. please. #instead of essentially just shaming me for my feelings hsdgjkl #i KNOW these feelings and thoughts are ''wrong'' and unhelpful and unhealthy and hurting me. but like... what do i DO with them... #''i feel like a bad person'' ''well you arent so you shouldnt feel that way :)'' ''....okay great thanks so much see you next week'' ????? #such wise words from a trained professional! /sarcasm #idk man i think that my stories and characters have been far more helpful in therapizing me than actual trained professionals ever have #these ppl do not know what to do with me it seems like #i get so frustrated every time i hear ''you're so self aware!'' bc that seems to be therapist language for ''idk what to do for you'' #or ''i can't help you. you are beyond my capabilities as a trained mental health professional who went to school for years'' #im TIRED. im so tired !!! #anyways im just dreading my appt later today fdjgkl i like this lady more than the last one but she hasn't been very helpful so far #starting to resign myself to the fact that maybe i am just too fucked up to be helped fdsjkl like man. im just stuck this way i guess #unless i can figure out how to fix me on my own then i think im just fucked #pippen needs 2nd breakfast

[pepprs]

im home and already swallowed by despair. can you believe i was in CHICAGO a few hours ago. and now im here. lol

#i know i know. and i need to let the anguish motivate me to get out of here. but it feels like i dreamed it all #purrs #chicago #i had a rough time getting out of the hotel and through the airport to my gate and also im bad at math so i fucked up the calculation about #when my flight lands bc of the time zone change and i gave my parents the time in central time not eastern time so my dad was waiting for m #for like a half hour and texting me and i wasn’t answering bc i was still in the air and he was pissed at me and snarky in my texts with hi #and i was sitting there on the plane and could just feel his words ripping into me and the horrors rushing back in and i still haven’t #recovered from it honestly. it wasn’t that big of a deal he just said something that i misunderstood as him saying he was giving up waiting #for me and going home bc id already wasted his time and even though that was not what he actually said it just kinda burrowed into me that #my parents were mad at me and were probably also mad at me for not communicating with them AT ALL the entire time i was in chicago. and it #just was eating me alive. im home now and we haven’t talked about it but they did say things disapproving of the fact that i did a lot of #stuff by myself which i probably shouldn’t have told them. idk. it’s not even that bad i just am torn apart by their rejection of me and #utter inability to just like be happy for me without criticizing some part of it or restraining me. plus the house is just as much of a #biohazard as it was when i left and all the broken things are still broken and it’s like. a lot. i miss the hotel LOL #i think im just sleep deprived and not in my head right today but i do not want to be here. sinking in quicksand unable to breathe. but i #have to be the one to get me out of it and i should have learned how in chicago but i didn’t it was just a break and now im stuck again #delete later #kind of terrible that instead of being so proud and happy about what i did my immediate reaction is to be miserable that im home now lol

[limielle]

idk i feel like so much discourse could be easily minimized if people learned to say "i think" instead of "it is"

#like “i think this is a bad game” is way less abrasive/aggressive than “this is a bad game” #do u know where im going w this like #it's literally 2 extra words and it could avoid like 99% of confrontation #ofc there would still be people who are like “omg how can u hate smth i like ur trash” but idk i feel like so much of this discourse u see #on twt especially #is like ? just people being deliberately aggressive abt stuff they dont like to antagonise others and then going “its just my opinion” #and it's hard to read tone online so it's often hard for me (and im sure for others ?? idk actually) to read whether or not sm1 is being #like. just sharing what they think vs them trying to bait out people who will defend smth they like #idk ive been trying to find ffxiv people to follow bc getting back into the game and finally being confident in my art to draw for it also #has me looking for ppl to follow but i wanna avoid the big livetweet first time experiencers and unfortunately that leaves #a lot of people who are afraid of dawntrail/unhappy with the current patch quests #of which i am neither and i also dont want to log on to the internet every day just to see ppl shitting on things u know ? #and i have seen a LOT of like #'x sucked' and 'fandom lacks critical reading skills' and whatnot #but then u see what theyre talking abt and all theyre doing is shitting on the game itself or going 'x expansion was mid' #like . if u stopped phrasing ur opinions as objective fact i feel like maybe ud avoid half those arguments id k??? #just words #SORRY im talkative today the truth is i worked on a drawing veyr hard and i do not have the strength to colour it but it will not look good #without colour and i feel like i cant move on without it so i went and replayed shadowbringers instead and cried a lot #and now i have lots of icarus feelings again #WOW loiok at me writing an essay out here i overshare so much im sorry

[straycalamities]

i wanna draw but the thing is: i Think too much when i draw and so the horrors flood in

#txt #a big reason why i had a bigggg art drought for a long time #just could NOT sit and draw without upsetting things assaulting me the second i put the pen to tablet #and like within seconds id be in tears #and i think rn im just not in a good headspace after today so :( #6 day work week with max hours dude #im dying out here #and things that have been adding up for months are starting to spill over finally #rip me #x_x #my therapist suggested just do uh basically vent art but she didnt word it that way #but i forgot how to do that ????? #and would it actually help????????? #and social media's brainwashed me to only draw things worth posting????????????? #and i wouldnt wanna post something that i vent arted in my heaviest moments probably #maybe #idk maybe itd be vague and cool enough #but again idk what id draw to get the feelings out how does that work anymore #do i go back to what i did in highschool and just draw dudes fkn killing each other brutally

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#well. today was a nice day of not doing anything but drawing really. theres an au where i went to art school and am a happier person lol #except not really bc im sure my head would ruin that too. anyway. its a shame i have to return to the pain tomorrow. i have so much to grade #plus a paper to write plus data to work with. a protocol to figure out. and an exam to study for and a final project thatll kill me #god. i also have to get ready for lab Monday. christ. and what shall i say to my therapist Tuesday? well we could try to tackle the deep set #looming issue that prevents me from getting better in our tiny 50min session or i could be like listen. just fucking listen. let me give u #the case 4 and against me having adhd so i can stop feeling fucking nuts. just like give me feedback. ya kno? #it would b inattentive bc im not hyper unless im losing my mind and bordering on hyp0mania. but my focus is something i cant control #executive functioning has always been a problem but now im so worn down im in danger of actual consequences. and its not just things i dont #wanna do. im not just anxiously avoiding. i cant start tasks and stick with them. i flip back and forth and get nothing done. i spiral #sometimes for hours. im not doing anything fun im just not doing anything. frozen in anguish. i dont even wanna think abt how much money ive #lost by not filling out reimbursement sheets which arent hard to do. theyre easy i just never do them. why??? i dont fucking kno. but im not #forgetful. im thinking constantly abt these things. i just cant make them happen. theyre stuck buffering. i do have memory issues tho #my short term working memory is like that of a literal child. so i cant follow complex instructions. i constantly need new info. constantly #need sound. spoken words plus music at the same time. but the main reason i need an answer to this is the reading issue. which is that im #dyslexic but also my thoughts r like an interfering frequency. without realizing ill b thinking and not reading. its a problem no matter #what im reading. its severely disruptive. i will physically read out loud to try to hold my attention in place and still get distracted by #my own head. do u kno how frustrating it is to read something aloud 3 times and not know wtf u just read bc u arent thinking abt anything #interesting u would rsther b reading but u can't fucking pay attention long enough. genuinely if its not adhd and i cant get medication to #fix my focus issues i dont kno wtf im gonna do. im so bad at reading and its extremely frustrating. but is it just dyslexia? idk what i #described doesn't fucking seem normal or like a reading problem. sounds like a focus issue. so riddle me that #idk ive got adhd on both sides of my family plus my focus fluctuates with ny hormones plus homones possibly induce hyp0mania. like i mean #ive got other issues which make a diagnosis difficult to parse but like i feel like that's decent evidence for possibly adhd? my friend said #she was always worried she had a brain tumor before she was diagnosed. to me ive always felt like my brain is full of holes. im missing the #parts that would let it operate correctly. the frontal lobe is just fucked. ugh. i wonder how much accommodation i could get from the #disability office if i actually went to them. i wont bc im fucked up and i dont think they could actually do anything for me at this stage #but alas im curious. ugh. y do i do this to myself? i kno y but not enough time for that in 50min. bad attitude mostly. half my brain #just craves death. the other half is just trying to tread water but its hard with someone trying to drown u. so its all fucked #unrelated

[wickedhawtwexler]

i have looked at my resume so many times that half of these words do not look like english anymore

#i don't think my most recent resume updates are being well-received so i'm making more tweaks #i just keep changing how i word things & shuffling what projects and experiences i put on there. and what buzzwords i use lmao #data science bitches love their actionable insights and their cross-functional teams and their data storytelling #i have applied to 133 jobs btw. BTW!!!! #today i created a list of 35 more listings i'm a match for so at least there's shit out there......... 🥲 #what i need to do is not apply to jobs every single day. i need to pick like 3 days to apply #then spend the rest of the week doing other productive stuff. like side projects and studying for technical interviews #it makes me feel much less hopeless when i scroll through multiple days of job listings and see dozens i'm qualified for #idk yesterday was 3 months since i found out i was getting laid off and i'm freaking out #m.txt

[acaesic]

if yapping in the tags were a job id be jeff bezos

#does that make any sense? #i feel like the words im saying come out extremely convoluted to anyone who isnt me #cause in my brain #i like will re-say sentences without thinking about the previous sentence and how they mesh together #OH YEAH and then i dont provide context for how i got to that thought #so ill say one thing and then the next thing will like sound out of left field almost i think #anyway i really wanna draw gerard way but i cant decide on an image and its so !?!? #AUGH. do i draw nurse gerard or ….. i forgot the word? accountant??? gerard? whatever #or one of the ones where theyre covered in blood which is a lot of them #OOH AND. i really fucking wanna draw 2ourdust pete and soul punk patrick when he had the red suit and the devil horns #BUT I CANT !!!! number one i cant find just the right image of pete to draw and THERES MAYBE 5 DEVIL PATRICK IMAGES #so i was thinking i could just improvise like how i did with my idiots of oz art? and just draw a sp patrick image but colour his suit red #and draw some cartoonish 2D devil horns on instead #idk. anyway #im hoping to draw today . it might happen #ALSO ALSO ALSO!!!! i got vip for my idkhow concert next week :) #HAGSHSNANGSHFNKSLSJHSBCJDNSNSGSBFNJZBXNXKSLFKFBHSGSHFHGAGSHENSHSHSUGSHSBCHZHDKDLSHGDNAGSGSBFNKZHXNDJAGSHDJALSLJFHDNSJFKZBSHGAHSJFKFNDMXMCKF #IM SO FUCKING EXCITED ABOUT THAT #AUGH!!!!!! i also really wanted to draw dallon but if im being honest. im getting so sick of his face #i run a daily dallon blog i have like 8000 images of him ive drawn him 15 dozen times im TIRED!!!!!!! #so yeah. what was this post about again? #chase said something alright

[dancedance-resolution]

exhausted dot png

#i’m cishet neurotypical for the weekend right and i guess bc i was cishet half of the time just two short years ago i thought this would be #a lot easier than it is? like i underestimated how exhausting this would be #not to sound Like This but hanging with all of these protestants really is so different than the catholics. maybe bc i’ve been largely surro #unded by catholics so im well adapted to dealing with them lol idk. #it’s just. i accepted that the cousins wouldn’t accept me if they ever knew but my beloved beloved great aunt….. #my mom is so sure that she would accept me if she knew but i’ve been telling her i don’t know i don’t know now that she’s a protestant it’s #different…. and lo and behold every other fucking word out of her mouth is virulent shit #and idk what to do with it. #i love her too much to lose her over this (for now) but christ i nearly told her i was a dyke at lunch today just to get her to shut up abou #t trans people. #i have no desire for my family to ever know i’m genderqueer bc i don’t need them to know but eventually my aunt is going to need to know the #homosexuality and this trip has just emphasized how. man it’s gonna be shit isn’t it. no doubt to cling to anymore. #anyways i’m expected to go to baptist church tmrw morning and autism brain i kind of want to go just to see what it’s like but me brain i’m #just. so tired. and even if the transgenders don’t get brought up in the service i don’t think i want to go anyways.

[earl-grey-crow]

✨pond theories✨

#I don't have pond theories I have commentary on the latest episode which I got around to watching today #because I was watching gran turismo on sunday (amazing movie) (maybe an even better soundtrack I'm listening to it for the third time today #I just really love kat and thomas's dynamic I'm not saying I ship them I'm just saying they're just really fun to watch together #I know it was unrealistic to expect kat to smash a bottle of rum on thomas what with jacob dying in the background but can you #can you just imagine. if she did. can you imagine how great that would be. #and can you imagine how great it would've been to see him unceremoniously drop her into the ocean like. get drenched idiot. #the way home hallmark #also NOAH we finally got a NAME my word #it's so strange they waited this long to mention it like did I miss it before?? #right now he's barely interesting but idk after that scene where they're singing in alice's room #I feel like he might have the potential to be a friend #I just don't want them to make it a ship because good grief do we need it (no) #and not everything has to be a ship #and also girl. alice. you barely know him. why?? #alice asking why guys can't just say what they mean is the most relatable thing I've ever heard lol #I think it'd be interesting if nick put the pieces together that his alice and this alice are the same alice #it'd add to the chaos which would be fun #that look elliot gave nick at the fire on the beach was soooo so tired. he's just so tired. #and please WHAT happened at the estate WHAT went down at the party and WHAT happened in the past that elliot's so worried about #the way they're drawing this out is sublime #also how painful this is for kat?? and for del?? but especially kat in this episode?? wild #what a good episode #earl crow ramblings

[barredandromeda]

how many coincidences until its the truth

#idk why ive been tweaking over this boy all day bro #at least at school i get to see him but theres no reason for me to care today 😭 #typed out 10 pages ab how much these coincidences confuse me cause no way all of that was just by chance #he literally got up and walked in the opposite direction to pass me daily for like 2 weeks right as i passed him come on. please bro #my friends say he gives off lowkey percy jackson vibes so maybe i just have a type 🙏 which includes weird ass coincidences and #that word i forgot where like not smart but not not smart but just not recognizing whatever #nvm i got it i meant dense #tall white dark haired dense loser boys who cant look me in the eyes and have highkey questionable friends 🙏 #an indian friend of his said he'd yell the nword of it was only those two and so i avoided him and his friend that club day 😭 #i dont get to see him monday. or tuesday. only wednesday if im lucky #THANK GODD I JUST REMEMBERED friday is normal this week ill see him then 🙏 unless he decides to skip but idk hes lowkey a nerd #sorry i need to yap ab him to new ppl cause sid and serenity know fs that everything between me n him were just coincidences #need it to be fate 🙏🙏🙏 #post #erics tag #delete later #kindividual posting

[heartapnea]

had to sneak away to weep a bit about how well my little brother is growing up like. he’s such a brilliant young lad and so compassionate and loving idk for the most part I felt I didn’t know what I was doing when it came to ‘parenting’ but I’m just so fucking PROUD that he turned out the way he did

#tbd soon I just needed to get this out lol #he’s only 12 but he’s so emotionally intelligent #and we talk about so much stuff #today he told me some of his friends have started saying homophobic things and it upset him. but he talked to them and asked them questions #instead of getting angry. he asked them why they felt like that or what they think the word means #and told them there’s nothing wrong with being gay. he said that in class! in front of all the kids!! knowing how mean they can be! #idk I was just so blown away and wanted to cry as he was explaining it to me #he loves his friends and wants them to learn better #it’s just really special to see him grow and use the tools I’ve given him to navigate life. mannnn #my pride and joy through and through

[catkin-morgs-kookaburralover]

I was actually having a pretty good day until just now :/

#i reread and made notes for two solid hours! 15k of words! #i went for a walk and got ransom a toy and stocked up on chocolate (my excuse is that sometimes when i'm feeling awful eating a bit of #chocolate helps lol and this stuff was 50% off) and generally had a good walk! #and i had a bath. first bath of the season! and i read like hafl of out of hte silent planet while i was bathing and it was wonderful! #mum made the BEST ginger pudding today! #so like. i've had a great day today! #so many blessings! #and now i just feel awful because i ate something and i wanna throw up and i mustn't #been struggling more with dealin w eating lately too at times and in the last week have been deviating from what the dietitian's been #encouraging me (variety) bc i couldn't deal with it #but today was a good day! a great day! and now i feel terrible for no apparent reason #yay me :/ #puddleglum hours #personal #incidentally am SO grateful for the job that requires me to wear short sleeves bc i know that by now i would've harmed deep enough to scar #on my arms as well if i hadn't had the knowledge that the next day id have to be at work w that. the reason this is coming up rn is #bc SURPRISE i rlly wanna harm #and i CAN'T my mother found my knife. honestly even having it htere whether or not i used it felt like it gave me an option even if i #didn't take it. it was a comfort. and now it feels awful not having it esp as idk when i'll get it back and also even worse my parents #litcherally gave me that knife for my last birthday. i don't know how mum feels about that #but yeah i just. i want to do smth drastic so bad #and i CAN'T #tw sh #i don't even know why #ugh