#idk like sometimes the shit gets so much and im so tired

[astarsystem]

i struggle to keep relationships because i don’t like knowing people care about me lmao

#idk like sometimes the shit gets so much and im so tired #and then I remember I have like a family and friends and I get so so terrified #this feeling that id be long gone if i didn’t feel so guilty #im not gonna do anything so dw. i just can’t keep this inside my brain any longer #gotta put it on the little computer instead #ill probably try to bury this post or delete it later lmao #maybe I shouldn’t put this on the internet lmao #i can’t remember if anyone I know irl follows this blog Oof #riley tag

[ozymoron]

reading posts that come across my dash and sitting for a minute to debate with my mental disorder if not reblogging this will mean a hell portal will open beneath my feet and i will suffer for eternity for my lack of action or if its all good and i can just scroll on by (its usually the hell portal thing)

#⚠️ #personal #having ocd makes making moral decisions so fucking hard for no reason #cause ill see a post thats like info or seems important and like i can tell its that kind of post just by skimming it st first and somethin #clicks in my brain that just tells me if i dont share that post everyone will know and think im a horrible person #regardless of what the actual post is about #i need like a handbook on how to make proper moral decisions #cause like yeah i do care about things i try to share stuff about things i care about and believe are important but sometimes i dont have #the energy to read long as posts and my brain twists it to make it out that people will know and i am the bad guy #idk my ocds telling me even saying this makes me a bad person #the fact i even struggle with this #sometimes i think im not built for social media but really i think social medias not built for people like me #maybe i should get help for my ocd but the idea of describing all the shit going on in my brain to someone just makes me feel scared #cause like i dont know when to draw the line at making something a problem i should actively have a hand in helping #how much is too much when do i stop #<- in regards to my own mental health like the mental exhaustion that can come from it i hope this makes sense #like some things you gotta invest like emotional shit into and like sometimes im just tired and i come on here and im faced with one of #those posts and i just have to debate with myself what the fuck im supposed to do #this is more a me issue than anything i need to sort this shit out with some mental health professional or something #cause like i dont want to have people think i dont care about these things i do and ik pressing reblog takes like no energy but idk man #im not even sure if some of the shit i reblog is cause i care or is just an ocd compulsion #i feel like most times its both #i cant help but think im the problem here i want to be on social media its just so draining having my mind repeatedly hound me for not like #showing enough care (reblogging more posts) about a certain issue online #idk im so tired of it all im so tired of my mind i wish i didnt have ocd #vent #so funny right after i posted this i scrolled down and one of these posts was rigjt beneath it and the debate happens all over again #lord i need to get out of here

[lesbiangiratina]

Woke up and immediately found someone i want to kill but its okay it happens.

#i dont want to get into it. #just… someone on some fandombrained edgelord shit. with gg. which i just havent seen much of for over a whole year #and what a lovely year it was #like genuinely so refreshing. yeah the Gaming side of this fanbase is full of fucking idiots but well not really on my tumblr dot com. #for real this person is the first transphobe ive seen on like the more ‘fandom-y’ side of gg. i guess #no thats not true. sorry im still tired. but like its uncommon. #idk. they get zero engagement and thats really funny and makes me feel better. hope they have trouble finding any footing with their shit. #sorry for being a really intense hater sometimes do you still think im cute. #the kat goes meow

[dandyshucks]

me waking up at 6am this morning and immediately having the thought "maybe Guz still gets angry a lot because strong emotions are difficult if not impossible to control esp if its rooted in abuse trauma BUT he learns how to apologize, and thus - especially in the beginning - he would lash out as an automatic response but quickly realize what he's doing and apologize for it and we'd move on and be okay" like it had been beamed into my brain from some divine source.

also junebug (waves. thats literally just me.) would have to do their own hard work to learn to not automatically fawn when someone starts seeming the littlest bit potentially displeased or unhappy (because that is unhealthy for all parties involved). they'd BOTH be putting in the work to make it work !!!!!! 🎉

#i keep looking at my extremely strong fawn response and idk what to do about it #but in pkmn world if i got away from parents then I'd probably have some kind of chance at unlearning it fjfkdl #u cannot get better in the place u got sick or whatever the saying is #anyways uhhhmm i think so much about them and the ways in which they make things work even with all the trauma on both sides #by they i mean both Guz and Junebug fjdmfkl #it may not look healthy to outsiders with no knowledge of trauma but it IS genuinely healthy. it is steps to make things work! #so yeah he might yell for a minute but then he immediately apologizes and steps back and they talk it out together #anger especially is a difficult emotion to handle and if you've been physically abused i think yelling is like... pretty mild tbh DBDJLDL #i feel like sometimes a person will never be able to reach NormalTM. sometimes u do the best with what u ARE able to do #and i would be very happy to make space for his automatic anger reactions as long as he recognized it and apologized for it #and im sure it'd lessen over time as we both work through our shit bc brains do slowly rewire themselves over time and practice #and he would also be happy to make space for my (likely tiring and irritating) automatic fawn response as long as i made sure to catch it #and backtrack it and apologize and then work through whatever was coming up that triggered that response #we both are somewhat burdensome but thats okay bc we are happy to carry that burden for each other as long as we're both trying ! #UMMM ANYWAYS LOL. i could ramble about trauma work and recovery and making relationships work ALLLL day sdfjkl #💜a boy and his bug🪲 #💜so good at being in trouble #junebug🪲

[jrueships]

stefs ass is SO fat..... HOW isn't there more fanfiction of diggs/allen. im gonna thr*w up

#sometimes i think abt how much more loved my favs would be by others if they were basic white twinks and i wanna claw the wall #sauce would be a tumblr sexyman rn #diggs/allen would get more love if 1. allen was skinnier 2. diggs was the top 3. diggs was the bttm but he was white #sorry aometimes it's like. frustrating to see even in the simple media #shit is cruel #and i feel like i keep just encouraging more fans for the underrated #and rarely ever make stuff for it myself bcs i keep trying to hold out some hope that things can change #without me #bcs im terrified of starting things off on the wrong start but since it's the start no one notices and it just goes downhill from there #but it's like i think i have to which sucks so so bad #bcs i KNOW theres people who can do so much better than me for it but it just #idk sometimes i hate caring abt stuff no one else does sometimes like it's just so tiring #maybe i just need to leave or give up or smthin like im the outsider and thats just how it's gonna be #im always gonna be attracted to the stray and i cant ever stay it's so tiring it's so tiring #anyways this was supposed to be funny bcs it's me being all harrumph abt little ship fic lol #i need to watch fat albert again i love fat albert

[toastsnaffler]

ykw actually I am angry + disappointed w them. I've been pushing how I feel aside and trying to make it my own fault so it's all contained but I think theyve just been mean. and they really should know me better ik I try to pretend I don't expect more from them so I feel less hurt when they do things that upset me but we've been friends for years by this point. like come on.

#just got home and went to put my shit away but my flatmate was in the kitchen and i got suddenly so mad i had to walk back out #not going to do or say anything while im this upset. i need to be a lot calmer before i can even be in the same room as her #like okay. so originally it was just the two of them getting drinks and theyd rather it was just them bc i dont drink. thats cool #it wouldve been difficult for me to join them after work bc travel. and ik theyd done this before just the 2 of them and had fun #i can fully respect that its why i said no and stuck by that decision when she asked again #but to not mention she was taking the day off work and btw i just found out that BOTH of our other old flatmates joined in too #to not mention that they were travelling that entire distance and that it wasnt just drinks it was a whole day out together #thats just mean. why wouldnt you tell me that why did none of them say anything. #and the fact they did the exact same fucking thing last weekend too i didnt know about that at all #like i need to stop trying to justify it. im allowed to feel unwanted and excluded bc thats exactly what theyre doing. #im tired of feeling like other people dont want me around. i know i can be difficult and annoying sometimes. but im really not that bad #and we're meant to be friends!!!!!! like youre supposed to like your friends. and want to spend time with them. or at least i do #and yeah everyones annoying sometimes thats just part of being alive ur supposed to tolerate it if ur friends #im allowed to want to feel like im wanted. im allowed to want ppl to care abt me. that shouldnt be too much to ask for #but the overwhelming message im getting at the moment is they dont want me around. and when i am around them i feel like they dont listen #to me and that they dont really care how i feel unless it directly involves them or theyre responsible for it #i feel like they dont see me as a real person that exists. only a version they have in their heads and they base all their assumptions and #decisions off that version instead of directly communicating with me. and constantly avoid me under the guise of 'giving me space' #when im upset or having a difficult time and most need support from other people. i just feel really unseen #and ik that part of how i feel IS exacerbated by insecurity and depression. like they do care to some degree #but also a lot of it is evidenced in the way they act towards me. mainly my roommate bc shes the person i interact with most #and personally i find the most direct ways of showing u care abt someone are showing up for them. and making them feel seen #and maybe not everyone feels the same way. but thats how it works for me anyway #so to repeatedly exclude me and avoid acknowledging that ive been having a difficult time is the opposite of that to me #which is the point im trying to arrive at... sorry ik ive probably said similar things repeatedly the last few weeks but i feel like its #crystallising a bit like this is the core reason why im so sensitive and reactive atm and why i got so upset by it #idk. not tonight bc im still very emotionally raw but maybe tomorrow if im calmer i should explain that i was upset + why to her #i avoid doing that so often when im upset bc i dont think theres much point in having a conversation abt it unless u expect some kind of #resolution from it. or if you want an apology but idrc abt being apologised to the crucial thing is what theyre going to do different #and i love her but shes very resistant to changing her behaviour bc of other ppl being upset by it. and like i said before she has

[munamania]

and is there not just generally a certain level of decency that would make you like ease up on a person who's obviously more than a little frazzled i am sorry that i cant process all my feelings and regurgitate them to you in an easily digestible manner while im actively In a situation or have a prepared disclaimer about how im so sorry but im just overwhelmed and need you to leave me alone right now or whatever else maybe i just dont know maybe i cant tell you exactly what im feeling or need and if i have to figure it out and explain that to you my brain is going to explode. but you could read the room. is there not a point where a friend would probably just go oh okay let me not continue pushing this person let me take a moment to reflect on their state and perhaps try to ease that or at least not keep fucking pushing on it. and also maybe not choose these moments to make otherwise innocuous but contextually just kinda meanspirited jabs. ok whatever

#not to be a sensitive little bitch except im not. #i dont want to be rude or too explicitly open about the things i dont really like to talk about #but sometimes. frankly. people need to take on the weight of their own feelings. insecurities. thoughts. etc and then some #some of us grew up with little to no emotional support and in fact took on the weight of their family's issues and the brunt of their #emotional immaturity and sometimes that makes someone feel fundamentally rattled and unsafe in moments like that #some of us had pretty much every big personal emotional. thing. that happened to them minimized and turned into some tragic #family conversation. or had someone reply like huh idk if that could have happened to you i certainly dont remember that #and then you wonder if people were ever looking out for you and if the ones that did just truly didnt care. #um. anyway. this is not just to be like oh im so quirky and different and traumatized lol but im reaching a boiling point when it comes #to people just like. doing this shit. or whatever. im going to start screaming #i shouldnt have to bare my fucking soul to you for you to go oh huh maybe this is a sensitive subject perhaps #frankly we arent the same and we dont relate and aw bummerooni ik im not the only sufferer but good god. #our lives were very different in some ways! #and sometimes all i want is for someone to say its ok kid you did good #again. not to be dramatic. but when ive talked about MY upheaval of feelings or w/e like if thats been impacting #how ive been acting and people start crying at me or get all whatever. oh it makes me wanna be the one to pass the torch #yeah man imagine how tired we are. #ok talking incoherently now so im gonna go do my job i guess. #abby talks #i know no one will save me but maybe sometimes it’d be nice to share the weight regardless

[transgenbur]

hate when people go Ooooh no your friends aren't annoyed with you thats just your brain being mean Brother i have eyes and also ears i might be oblivious but when we're 2 hours into hanging out and ive managed exactly 1 time to talk without having to be asked to shut up and my friends are clearly on edge to the point of snapping when i ask where the dishwasher is and when they explicitly go "i forgot how overwhelming and loud you are" thats not my brain making up shit theyre clearly annoyed like

#when people online just give blanket statements like Nooo youre not annoying Yes i Am annoying very clearly when this is a reoccuring thing #what i dont get is when people say like. well why dont you just tone it down. like you think im PURPOSEFULLY likethis???? #brother this is the toned down version bc i know my friend's already tired & overwhelmed so im trying not to make too much noise #the worst thing is like they suggested we watch ranboo and thats a bad idea cause then i got excited and like idk i think i jumped or smth #and then that was overwhelming so then we switched to . ithink it was fundy #whos obviously great too but like #idk like i was trying not to react too loudly but then i got excited abt watching ranboo so that didn't exactly help #cause then we can't really watch stuff i wanna watch the most bc like i know i wont be able to contain the fucking. mouthing along and shit #or like tapping my feet idkk #and fucking again this is the toned down version from how i act when im like home alone this is like extra Im Trying To Be Quiet #and it doesnt fucking work because i dont fucking know how to be quiet im so sick of it #cause its clearly not my friend's fault like they get super overwhelmed quickly (also bc theyre autistic) like they cant help it #and it makes them snap sometimes . a lot. point is its not their fault its my responsibility but fucking hell #anywayyyy who want me😁 #alex.rambles.txt

[sheepgirlmaidtummy]

really upsetting that black history month just feels performative to me. not when other black ppl celebrate it ofc, but white people won't do shit for it. except drown out the voices of people the month is supposed to commemorate. or just ignore it completely? but you Know they have blm or acab in their bio somewhere

#realizing i dont see much talk about bhm because white ppl refuse to center it. and as it so happens? #the vast majority of posts you'll see online are gonna be from white ppl. #i wonder. if im the only black mutual yall have on here sometimes. likely Yes. #idk. i just wish yall would do better. im tired of this shit #another tangent thats slightly related ig. yall get too fucking comfortable ignoring us when we call for help #i make so many of these posts only to be met with silence. I'm talking to You! say something! if i say i feel invisible as a black woman- #why would you not Say something? yall do this All the time. idc if it'd be clunky and uncomfortable you'd be doing more than most ppl anyway #cant even have a discussion about shit like this in my own polycule cause it falls on white ears to hear. #swagever . who cares

[pepprs]

it’s that time of year where i want to remake my blog so so so bad it’s unreal and then i don’t. lol

#i have way too many followers to be doing the shit i do on here and im kinda getting tired of it. i wish the crab post hadn’t blown up #purrs #i just don’t want to lose the years of posts or like my sideblogs being attached to this blog or anything. and i would want to still be #pepprs but i wouldn’t want ppl to find me easily. idk. ughhh. head in hands #delete later #i wish there was a function to like remove followers en masse. that would fix me #all of u who like regularly like my personal posts would stay of.c it’s just like the literal resacteds of ppl who idont even know and i #feel claustrophobic on here sometimes and all i do is just close the app when i feel like that. but idk #it’s not sustainable. and i miss the freedom that comes w like having fewer ppl perceiving you iykwim. maybe i’ll remake for 2023 idk #i think tumblr has started recommending me to new users too like it’s that bad. and idont ahve any ill will towards ppl who follow me or #anything like i appreciate it. i just want privacy and i get so many asks and stuff all the time ajdni don’t want to sound ungrateful bc i #rly do appreciate it but also i have abt 2% social battery most days and i feel guilty and stressed bc the amount of ppl who want to talk to #me just keeps growing and growing and most of the time i want to hide and just reblog posts and not think abt it. that sounds so mean and is #very very evidential of my lockdown induced mental illness and again i do not want to sound ungrateful bc i really am. im just tired and #overwhelmed and overstimulated every day and i need… whatever you call this. even though i already isolate myself too much irl anyway

[emypony]

.

#damn babygirl i wish people checked up on me more #this self conscious catgirl is so tired #sometimes i WISH people just came into my dms to ask me if im ok #i do it constantly to others because i hope theyre not as sad as i am feeling in that moment #genuinely afraid to have made someone feel bad and drive them away from me #and omg i feel nyself running thin again just bc im afraid to lose the interactions we have altogether because i cant process certain media #in a healthy way whatsoever and i get super hung up on thinfs that really dont matter that much in the end #YEAH IM RAMBLING IT'S 5:30 AM AND I COULD BE SLEEPING RIGHT NOW BUT INSTEAD IM JUST CRYING FOR A STUPID REASON!! #i think ive only had one person check up on me based off the vibes in chat i gave off alone in the past couple of months #which was baffling and surreal btw and i think it broke something within me #it came from someone i wouldve never expected to even notice because sometimes it feels like its such a vast difference between us #i sometimes even wonder how are we friends in the first place #like do i even deserve to call this person my friend do they feel like that? or are we just discord acquaintances? #anyway all this just made me sad and my dumb ass is crying and yearning to be loved by my online peers thats all lol. meows pathetically #idk i guess i just.want to hear / see it more rather than just teying to tell myself that over and over hoping im not deluding myself abt i #personal #sorry for the emotions dump idk whats wrong with me tonight actually #me having to come to terms with the reality that i actually have a following and this might get boticed by more than 2 ppl #bc not everyone follows 3k blogs like i am :skull emoji: yknow #im probably gonna delete later because im actually a super self conscious person to the point i get nauseatingly anxious about it holy shit #i dont vent often and im 120% keeping it in but when i do oh boy #the dam bursts and im left like a sopping wet dog on the floor looking like a sad blob #which i am feeling like right now! #vent #emy rambles #ALSO LIKE THIS ISNT TO SAY IM NOT GRATEFUL FOR MY FRIENDS OMG I AM #k really am #sometimes its still like. idk. unbelievable to me that people are genuinely interacting with me and the things i write or headcanon #and i shouldn't expect them to know whats wrong with me or if i feel bad if i dont say it or communicate that to them #but yknow one can yearn

[dogbunni]

I have been on semi-haitus bc I recently got diagnosed with hypertension (at 24!!!! what da fuck!) so I've been trying to reduce some stress in my life while also trying to like figure out what I need to change diet/lifestyle wise and get all the testing done that I need to get done and figure out medication w my Dr. it's been kind of a lot

#im still SO stressed but that is because i suffer from shit life syndrome and there is little i can do about that #like im in pain all the time and also autistic and also my cat is terminally ill #and also i cant work because of the disabilities so im still living at home with my parents and idk what im going to do with my life #also living with my parents is a special kind of hell no offense to them but 🙃 #so the STRESS #i just realised that i was stressing a little about updating CTTD and i am NAUGHT going to worsen my health over fanfiction #so ive gone on an impromptu tumblr/ao3 haitus #idk when im going to be BACK back #but im still on here reblogging shit sometimes #just not rly making nendo headcanons or screaming in tags #i dont have the energy im SO stressed hahahahaha fuck #i have to get tested for diabetes??? #so my stepdad has been on my case about how much sugar i eat bc i always crave sugar #ive been trying to cut down like ive got zero sugar syrups for my (decaf!!!) coffees #and im trying to eat less chocolate #idk its hard man. my life already sucks and now my mundane little joys are slowly being cut out one by one #idk #anyways thats my life update! #saiki k fandom i love u all and i may not be active or in any of u guys notifs gushing about fan art or neno rn #but KNOW that i am still just as feral about it i am just half dead and so tired i am so sorry <3 #dogbunni diary log

[fandom-blackhole]

.

#you know #ive had chronic headaches since i was little #and chronic migraines since i was 13/14 #but sometimes it really hits me how much i hate them #like the pain has lonv since become nothing but an annoyance #but the fact that like not medication really truly helps #and what does is basically curling up in bed and hiding away until i can focus or think straight again #sometimes it feels like im missing out in so much and sometimes it feels like they are getting worse #like there are ones i can still function through still think staight enough to focus on life #but the ones were i cant #where i feel like my head is gonna explode #where my thoughts arent straight and i can barely move or i get dizzy #they seem to be getting more and more frequent....... #idk i just feel like having them makes me feel like i have to put my life on pause #except its not paused its just passing by me while im stuck unable to do anything #i also fully believe that scrubbing my brain w/those face wash brushes w/ those little nubs would feel divine and fix my issues #or a lobotomy #though that might be kinda a lobotomy #idk but this shit is tiring #anyway this was all brought on by a headache so bad my jaw and teeth hurt too #and turning almost migraine level for a bit #but made me miss out on spending time with my family #(and Sonic food bc i was nauseous 🥲 lol) #anyway sorry for rambling hope everyone else's Saturday is going better than mine

[daiseukiis]

hii how have you been?

i miss my family 🧍‍♀️

#my mom sent me a video about once your child leaves the mom also needs them #to like be there for them when their mom is stressed when their mom misses them #and i cried for a bit bc i argued with my mom a lot #we didnt see eye to eye but i really do think my mom still thinks of me as her little girl #bc despite not being as close i am to my mom compared to my dad i felt like i had so much burdens for being the eldest and girl #so sometimes i would get upset that my brother would get some special treatment from my mom #idk now i just rlly miss her cuz i miss actly waking up to have brekkie w her #i rlly missed cooking w her b4 i didnt like it bc i thought it was bothersome but now i miss it a lot and her cooking !!! #one of my roommates are husband and wife and i helped cut up the onions and garlic for her bc she started crying from the onions #and then i just completely rmbrd how many times my mom would ask me to help her cook and it makes me miss jmy family !! #i dont rlly get homesick often but i have been in a few arguments w my husband but its like those small quarrels where we're both #tired stressed n feeling defeated like there was no wrong but mentally tapped out #i feel hella lonely tbh ion have many friends outside from me talking to my roommates or my coworkers #and i go once a month to my friends thats an hour and half away but i never mind the travel bc their family treats me well #im supposed to go today but our plans got cancelled and since the travel is far i usually sleepover we were gonna watch a movie !! #we were gonna go watch the mario movie but i might go by myself w my teddy bear #or i'll ask my coworker maybe #but yeah other than that im just trying to survive xoxo im so tired #im also getting so much free cosmetics skincare and fragrances at work that i cant even use all of it #tha shit is displayed on my shelves just cuz #but so excited for my smau heheheheh #༊*·˚ koca has heard your wish #༊*·˚ a kiss of blessing #༊*·˚ a wish upon a goddess #༊*·˚ freddie <3

[snekdood]

Im so tired of acting the way i think some ppl on here think i should act. Im tired of assuming theyre seeing me through the lens my ex provides for them. Im tired of feeling like nothing i say or do matters anyways because people have made up their mind about me and refuse to try to see me in another light. I know who I am and I know what im like and im tired of trying to almost essentially help people see me change my behavior for the better from something i never even was? Because i guess i feel like if i act like most people dont know about the issues between me and my ex that means other people will think im just *pretending nothing is wrong or happening*. It feels like i cant win either way. I cant play pretend as this horrible person whos trying to reform and have people allow me the chance to actually change and recognize that change and i cant also be myself and just know myself without people thinking im just ignoring this thing that isnt even a thing i need to work on or ever even fucking did. Im so tired of feeling convinced that other people are convinced im horrible and having to work from there and having to try to navigate that situation and get someone to see my side of things because ive just come to the conclusion that some people just will refuse to and idk. Theres nothing i can do in this situation. I just know i didnt deserve any of it.

#im like one of the most careful fucking people in the world istg #even before all of this but now especially after this bc im operating under the assumption that ppl see me as if im not #i almost feel brainwashed by what i think others perception of me is like online. #and then i try to go through the steps i think someone who did fo those things would do. or as if i did do those things and what id do #in that situation afterward. but i didnt do those things. and i dont need to live and operate as if i did to prove to other ppl i have the #emotional and mental maturity that i do #i dont need to sit here and let people gaslight me into their perception of me or at least what i think it is #i am such a good stinky lil guy. its people like my ex and the people around them online that brought out all this bitterness in me. #i resent those people so much. and i cant help but feel like theyre all stalking me still all the time. they want me to live like that too #like im in a panopticon. but this is what im saying- if i move on like i know myself and operate as myself the way ik myself #THOSE PEOPLE will come around and then act like im ignoring the situation with my ex and 'trying to escape responsibility' #i dont know why i feel so obedient to their perception. i mean i guess i know why like probably bc of my brother pushing me into a box #and me feeling like i have to stay in there or be abused. i feel the same way with my ex- if i dont act like ive been in the box they put #me in this whole time then they are going to get mad at me and try to come after me more i feel like. #i feel like thats when theyre really going to try to sic their followers or friends after me. #idk but im going to stop. i dont care how you see me. its not real. its not true. it never was. i was abused by this person and thats the #final truth about it. im not saying i couldnt have been reactively abusive sometimes with them but all the things they say i did #that they did to me but say i did but x10 worse? no. fuck off. thats not fucking me. you DONT KNOW ME. YOU HAVENT BEEN AROUND ME #ALL MY LIFE GROWING UP. IF YOU KNEW ME YOU WOULD KNOW ID NEVER DO THAT SHIT. YOU WOULD FUCKING KNOW THAT. #which is why i know you dont know me. none of you do. im tired of operating the way i think you want me to. #im tired of trying to empathize with people i dont want to LIKE my ex or my brother or my sister or my dad #im tired of trying to see things the way they do. how my ex is probably just this dumb scared kid inside who does dumb shit and doesnt #think about the consequences and doesnt care about the consequences of their actions because their only priority is #self preservation. like i dont care. i understand but i dont care. they still hurt me. they still did what they did to me. #they still know they did something wrong otherwise they wouldnt have started this whole smear campaign. #im tired of trying to sympathize with them. give them a million chances to change. do what i can to encourage them to actually have empathy #even towards the people they hurt and like to smear. #because they dont do the same for me. i know. i know theyre still shit talking me. i know they cant stop because if they did theyd have to #have more empathy about me on a whole lot of things they dont want to think about bc they dont want to feel about how they treated me #and continue to treat me by keeping up this narrative abt me online. they dont give a fuck so why am i extending so much to them.

[toastsnaffler]

tummy hurts my final message goodbye

#ive had mild pelvic pain for like. half a week now. its a bit like period cramps + in the same area but not as intense. idfk why #I dont think its bowel (<-no other symptoms and pain area is too low down) or bladder related (<- usually more painful + affects peeing) #sometimes I do get cramps a few days before my period but im midway thru my cycle and idk its not usually like this #not ovulation pain either bc thats supposed to only last a few hours. i dont fucking knooooww #im trying not to think abt it or complain abt it bc if i focus on it too much ill imagine its worse than it is. its rly not that bad #just consistent which is annoying. hopefully itll pass in a few more days. adulthood is all abt having mysterious random pains in ur body #sorry for tmi abt my internal bodily functions do u guys still think im cool. #eurghhh. im glad i went out to parkour today but man i rly wasnt feeling like it. another depression weekend :-( #but its ok im a bit tired of complaining abt being depressed. who give a shit. im doing all i can at the moment and thats fine #back to jobhunting tmr hopefully itll be more fruitful. im expecting to hear back from a few ppl. we'll see. rolling my rock back uphill #im gonna go get a hot water bottle i think... my hands are soooo cold and maybe itll soothe tummy pain too #and then read a little more.. finished giovannis room earlier (so fucking good but. devastating) so im back onto deaths end #just another 350 pages to go.. v curious to see where its gonna end up cuz so much crazy shit keeps happening. im just at the fairytales #hope my loyal followers are having a peaceful weekend.... farewell #.diaries