#if I was dead I've have someone tell y'all dont worry | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

tylerwritez · 3 years

Text

11:10 p.m. Tuesday June 29

Hey guys

As I type this I'm a little scared since my parents are arguing downstairs pretty bad... I had to try n brush my teeth quietly so I could stay outta it except my toothbrush is ELECTRIC.... they probably know I heard it all.

Well... I didn't hear it all. I couldn't make out half of it. They just both seemed agitated and angry and my mom called my dad a motherfucker and was on the phone with soemone saying bad stuff about him and the whole time he was saying she was lying and it was just really nasty to have to hear...

11:18 p.m. Its weirdly quiet now. But I'm scared. I'm scared. I want none of this. I don't want them to feel so fucking... upset. I hate that. Oh no. Oh no. I feel like I'm about to cry. But I won't. I won't cry because I'm stronger than that. I won't cry.

Oh shit now they're talking about me... but it sounds like my dad's on the phone with someone and my mom is gone, probably smoking/drinking in the garage. They're pissed I'm not packed yet. Damn, they really can't stand each other.

My mom is faking abuse????

It's hard to tell what he's saying from up here in my room...

It's my responsibility not to be upset about this anyways, okay? I'm just worried that shit will go down... or that my sister is hearing all this.

FOOTSTEPS... MY DADS... SCARED. SCAREDSCAREDSCARED PLEASE DONT GO UP THE STAIRS PLEASE DONT GO UP FUCK

Okay I misheard he just turned on the A/C... didnt go upstairs to my room. Man my ribs hurt. Probably from binding. they hurt so much I cant sleep on my side tonight :( oh well.

12:56 a.m. update: GODDAMNIT I TRIGGERED MYSELF BY LISTENING TO THIS FUCKIGN SONG AND NOW I HAVE SELF HARM URGES FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK HELP HELP ME HOW DO I STOP I HaVE NO REASON TO CUT I JUST GOT TRIGGERED TO WANTING TO DO IT...

1:20 a.m. update: I think I want to be sick again. I look at all this work I've done and I think to myself, why did I have to do this all alone? Why is there still so much ground to cover? It's not bad enough. I should be sicker if I want help.

I think I WANT to fall back into my old habits so I can get help.

That's. Weird.

I'd tell y'all about my day but I didnt really go out. We went to the mall and I l1fted some stuff. Easy peasy. I'm listening to music... I packed some more so lots of music... youtube...

I didnt do much today. This entry looks lazy but my day WAS lazy. It's super hot here... I have a fan RIGHT NEXT TO ME RN and I'm half naked and that's like. A normal temperature. If I were to move away from the fan (and its 2 cm away from me) I'd die of heatstroke.

Here's the song I'm listening to:

I'm alone, in the dark. I don't know. My brain keeps going back to the same memories over and over and over and forcing me to live through it all and forcing me to feel all of that and my physical form can't handle it and I start to twitch and spasm.

Actually I noticed I'm kinda prone to weird movements... this physical vessel is weak. I stim (sometimes on purpose, sometimes not on purpose), I get shiveries, my arms start to tremble if I put any weight on them and keep em in the same position long enough, and MEMORIES make my physical self RECOIL, my ribs hurt a lot..... I'm so weak. So so weak.

I dont know how I'm supposed to feel about that? I dont WANT to be weak in any way. But I mean... it makes sense.

I'm hoenslty really fucked up.. I need therapy like right fucking now but WE ALL KNOW IM NOT GETTING ANY OF THAT :)

Oh the strife that comes with trying to be a decent son and more accurately, oh the strife that comes with being afraid of telling g people that you need therapy... and being afraid of therapy and therapists in general.

If only we could erase the past.

I don't WANT to be a living breathing memory of a boy who's dead now, or a funeral sad about the man he could've become.

... I keep looking around my room and seeing how BARE it looks and it really cements the fact that I'm moving cos my parents are getting divorced and its fucking OVER. Like woah. Just when I finally thought I could maybe get a family,,, it's all torn apart.

I wonder how long they loved each other... and how long they stayed together for us.

Fucking hell. Fuck. FUCK. this is so unfair. I thought maybe... I thought that since they stopped being so scary and mean... I thoguht that since... well okay. They stopped being total dickheads to me and let me express myself more and now things are so much better and as long as you catch them in a good mood... you have parents.

....

Now? I wonder if any chance for me to rebuild our relationship and become a normal family has been taken away.

Fuck, why do I care so much about Parents anwyays? It's too late now. Even if they got back together and started being decent toward me like a real true family, that doesnt undo everything else.

Fuck, but I can never tell them that. They proabbaly think to themselves that hey, at least they did a good job with Kid Number 1... I dont have the heart to tell them its complicated.

I know whoever reads this is gonna think I'm some ungrateful brat. But trust me... I've been through some stuff. The ian you know today is a fucking hellhound. The dog of god, not the lamb of god.

I'll explain later. I'm too tired now. Here, take this post.

1:37 a.m.

Goodnight

Oh shit no not goodnight, Ariel messaged me, one sec

#Spotify #JudeJournals

2 notes · View notes

crystu-cii · 4 years

Note

OF COURSE!!!! I'd say you're hella close to it!!! Definitely closer than I am XDD 💖💞💝💕💝❤️💕💕❤️ A G R EED /hj XDD

Yeah ;w; oohh that sounds super interesting!! I can understand not pursuing a story tho, stories are d i f f icult-- XD fun, but difficult, and you need an attention span for them! (Why do you think I only write one page stories??)

OMS yessss that's so accurate tho-- like I haven't changed much if I'm being honest (I spend a LOT of time inside.. XD) awww-- I can understand that- in japan we didn't have a backyard, so I stopped going outside much at all-- occasionally I biked to convenience stores or walked to vending machines, that was cool, but no backyard :/ having no backyard sUCks, like where am I supposed to scream into the void?? INSIDE?? /j

OMS-- CRYS XDD what a Mood™ tho- "oh I'm gonna continue this thing!!" *does something else entirely*

XDD It was done Against My Will™ (get Against My Will on the album I Haven't Awoken Well Rested Since I Was A Child by the band The Bags Under My Eyes Aren't Makeup! XD) MOOD-- I spent the quarantine summer doing nothing but staying up until the sun rose and sleeping until it was at its peak- where did the time goooo

I AGREE HOW DARE HE- LIKE EXCUSE?? YOU TINY HEATHEN??? anyways now I'm trying to go back to squirting him with a squirt bottle to startle him(even tho he's a fan of water, the harsh spray startles him) but anyways thank you crysss I'm never getting a cat in my life now bc of this rude child (dogs are superior anyways /hj)

(and now time to reply to the OTHER ask cause I'm efficient and not going to send two separate asks to respond to things that can be responded to at the same time.. ....why did I even ramble about that wtf henry(huh I never refer to myself by name that felt weird))

Okay!! No worries dude, you can always take your time with replies, I just don't trust tumblr XD 💞❤️💕💝💝💖💕❤️💖 of course!!! Thank you!!! 💖💕💕💖💞💕

Oooh!!! That sounds super fun!!! Man I miss hanging out with my friends-- but my closest friend(lives in my neighborhood) has a parent who works in other people's houses, so high risk, and the rest live several hours away :)) but anyways yeah that sounds hella!!!! I love that y'all were just like "okay well. we're gonna hang out anyways." XDD

Aww-- I'm glad you are!! My brother and his bf were supposed to come but I think we have to postpone that cause someone in his workplace tested positive for covid :( YESS FOODDDD-- oooh cheesecake?? I've never heard of having it on Thanksgiving!! Usually we have pumpkin, cherry, apple, and pecan pies!! (We're having pumpkin and cherry ones this yeah!! Two pumpkin pies, a cherry pie, and a cherry cobbler--) I... Have never heard of pineapple pie in my life! Sounds like it would make pineapple-on-pizza haters burst into tears tho--

YOURE WHAT-- CRYS YOU HEATHEN IT IS NOVEMBER!!!!! /j I can't stand Christmas music, being a choir student made me not be a huge fan of it-- too much Christmas music.. ugh. (Straight no chaser is tolerable at least. And Pentatonix. And covers by artists I like. But if I have to hear Jingle Bells ONE MORE TIME--) YESSS BESTOW UPON ME THOU'S PRESENCE AND PRESENTS... Ooh nice!! Pfft XDD Yess- I have multiple on my wishlist-- mostly for the switch-- OMS I CAN'T BELIEVE I DIDN'T ASK FOR THSC-- MAYBE IM THE HEATHEN--

Okay, it's January 5th! Literally not even two weeks after Christmas-- Feel free to scream happy birthday at me :3 XDD now I'm curious, what's yours?

awhhh thank you ;w;; 💕💞💕💞💞💕💞

and legiT- and omg- also what i do a lot is thinking i have a story all in control but then i realise that i only focused on the main parts and nOT the transitions and all that shit and then i end up last minute thinking them- XDD and ngl one page stories sound SOO much better- imo- not just for writing- but for reading as well- whenever i go to see a fanfic I always read the ones that has one chapter- dunno how to fully explain it- possibly cause its satisfying to see a story actually have its end other than a long lasting series that will never end- XDD oneshots are my FUEL

buT WoW omg this topic has now made me realise how i barely go outside- XDD i wish there would be other thingd around my neighborhood other than a "park" that has DEAD GRASS and the sprinklers go off like every hour for some reason- duNNo what the builders were thinking but i guess i dont mind- i stay in my house a whOLELE lot xD

and YESS IT GETS ME EVERYTIME- "hey lets draw-" *-WRITES-* XDD AND ABHAHAHAHA (NOW ON YOUR LOCAL MUSIC STORES- XDDDD) and omG MEEE- the times i would usually sleep would be around 3 am to 6 am- ironically my mom has a more screwed up schedule than i do- and SHE STILL HAS- last night she told me that she hasnt slept in 48 HOURSSS- MaMAAA PLEASE SLEEP

GO AWAY CAT HEATHEN- XD and omG a squirt bottle of water yes XDD and awh i definitely understand now how youll not get a cat- sounds like a hecka pain ;0;; i never even had a pet before (or not that i would recall- oh wait i think i had fish but i have an embarrassing story that made my mom ban fish from the household- OH MAN the shame)

and yeahh oh man- i hope you are okay with all these topics XDD and thank you!! 💕💞💕💞💕💞💕💞

awwhh i see- i wish you can hang out with your friends without it being too risky! that reminds me of that one time where my friend said "hey so uh you guys can hang out at my house since at my parent's workplace someone was positive for covid" and then immeadiately after they were like "SO WE NEED TO GO TO ONE OF YOUR GUYS' HOUSE" and Im LIKE- UH- NOO??? nOt AfTEr you just say THAT- nuh uh- thankfully we didnt hang out that day- better safe than sorry xD

and omggg those pies sound AWWESOMEEEE- i always wanted to try pumpkin pie before but when i asked my mom that she was like "nO iTS diSGusTing" and im like "*visible confusion*" and lOwKEY SAME- pineapple pie just sounds a bit off but my mom was really hyped to make it xD i'd actually say its not that bad! but im still not a fan of pineapple so uhhh xD (aNd YEAH IT DOES feel like it would make those haters cry-- XDD)

and PFHAOHFA IM A LIVING HEATHEN- XDD omg at this time of year- it gets CRAZYY for me- first off- Tree is a true filipino- right when it was the first day october- youd hear them say "FUCK HALLOWEEN"(and id just whine to them like "BUT HALLOWENENENEN") and then their family set up a whole christmas tree and over-the-top decorations- and omg- if you hate christmas music- you would despise the philippines sO MUCH- when the FIRST day of SEPTEMBER hits- CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON ALLLLL THE STORES- it will drive you WILDDD ( yeah its actually a normal filipino thing- not that i ever went to the philippines myself at tHAT time of year- but my friends and family tell me all about it- filipinos are the true christmas maniacs XDDD)

and awhhh choir must be a pain ;0;;; that would remind me how on one concert- the beginners class of choir screamed on purpose even though they werent supposed to- the teacher got so pissed XDDD and YESSS PRESENTSSSS- and awh man- i actually dont own ANY consoles at all- so the only things i can ask for is steam games- last year for christmas i got just shapes and beats- which was WORTHHH

and oo YAY- now i shall mark that on my calander- XD and mine is february 7!

#the rambles of crystu

2 notes · View notes

langdonbitchh · 6 years

Text

Soulmate ( M.L. X Fem!reader ) pt.1

Plot ; Y/N was walking down a dark alley around 1 am and bumps into none other the antichrist but she doesn't know that. She looked at the condition he was in helps him get cleaned up, michael is appreciative of this act of kindness towards him and he starts feeling something else when they start hanging around each other more..

( wow that was a long plot description )

Warnings; fluff, crying and yeah basically it oh wait some slight teasing towards the end.

( I'll make a mini series if y'all want me to )

ON TO THE FIC!

I was walking home from a busy day at work. My feet were throbbing from being on them so much today. I didn't get a break or an actual lunch. All I had was 5 crackers then they needed me back to work.

I decided to take the short way home since it would be easier on my feet and get me home quicker. I turned the corner to the empty dark alley and walked with my purse hanging from my side swinging into my thigh. I looked around because usually I don't take this route because it creeps me out. Plus I honestly never wanted to find out what goes on in dark alley's at 1 in the morning. Good thing they pay for me to work overtime.

I heard faint foot steps coming from the opposite side of the alley. Luckily that I can see him in front of me so there will be no sneak attack if he tries. As we start to come closer to each other I notice that his jeans were mangled and so was his shirt. The poor man was covered in dirt and blood. I knew I had to help him. So I picked up speed to get to him faster.

"Shit are you alright? Do you need me to call anyone for you?" I said worried that he has been hurt or some sort but I can't pin point where the blood is coming from. He looked up at me and smiled weakly. "No, I dont have anyone to call. I'll be alright miss." He says quietly, looking at me with illuminating eyes. They were the color of the bright blue sky that you could get lost in. His hair was blonde mixed with dirt.

"Well, how about you come to my place and we can get you cleaned up? That sound okay to you?" I smile and wipe the tears away from his eyes. I don't know why he is crying but I can tell he needed someone. He looked me in the eyes and nodded. I linked arms with him and walked him home to my apartment.

-------

"What's your name darling?" I said softly while cleaning his wound on his hand. I dipped the washcloth back in the bowl of soap.

"My name is Michael Langdon" he hissed when I put the washcloth back on his wound. I mumble a 'sorry'. Should I dare ask what had happen to him?

"May I ask what happened to you?" I pulled the cloth away and looked up at him. He looked full of sadness and anger. He took a deep breath and sighed. He looked up at my face and blankly said "Everyone left me so I took the pain and lashed out" I didn't expect him to say that. "I'm so sorry that they left you but taking the pain out on others is not the way to handle it. Maybe try doing stuff you like to take your mind off hurting people." I got up from my chair and smiled to him. He nodded but I knew from experience that maybe he won't listen to a word anyone says to help him.

"I'm going to draw your bath water, so do you like your water warm or hot?" I tilted my head slightly while waiting for a response. He mouthed hot to me and I nodded and made my way to my bathroom. I laid a towel on the floor so water won't get everywhere and laid a towel on the sink. I turned the hot water faucet on and then a little bit of cold. I could feel a pair of eyes staring at me. I looked back to see Michael leaning against the door frame. I stand straight up and smile while walking past him. I exited the bathroom so he could go in.

"Do you want me to cook something? Are you hungry?" I said looking at him when he took his shirt off. I couldn't help but notice he had cuts by his rib cage. I look down and waited for his answer. "Yes, if you don't mind. I don't think I've eaten in a few days.." My eyes widened and I knew i needed to make more food than normal.

-----

After his bath and he was clean, I had already set up the plates and silverware and the food was on the table ready to eat. He came out with some sweatpants I let him have and my Pink Floyd shirt that I hardly ever wore anymore. He smiled and sat down at the table next to me. He bowed his head and said a prayer I couldn't quite make out. He finished up his prayers and we started eating.

"Why are you being nice to me?" He looked at me taking a bite of the waffles I made. I chuckled a bit. "I felt like it was the right thing to do. Plus you obviously had it rough so I thought why not be a good person and help him." I said taking a bite of my waffle. He smiled thankfully. "Thank you. That was really kind of you." He took another bite and like he realized something he said, "I don't know your name..what is it?" He said looking at me expectingly. I giggled and said quietly "My name is Y/N."

"That's a beautiful name.." Michael said while smiling down at his food. I blushed a bit because not many people complemented me before. He saw that I blushed and chuckled. "How old are you?" He said calmly looking me dead in the eye.

"20 years old and you?" I smile. It was nice having a conversation without someone insulting me all the time. "I'm 22." He took his last bite and leaned back into his chair. He yawned and rubbed his eyes so I knew I needed to make a bed on the couch for myself to sleep on.

Michael looked at me in a confused way. "What are you doing?" He said in a confused tone. "Making my bed for the night. You'll be sleeping in my room so you're comfy." I smiled bright at him but still dreading to sleep on the couch. He shook his head and now I was confused.

I furrowed my eyebrows and tilted my head, "Whats wrong?" I ask in a worried tone. "I don't want you sleeping on the couch. You can sleep with me so you are comfortable too." He looked at me in a wanting voice, like really wanted me too. "Okay, I will lay in bed with you. But fair warning I like to cuddle." I chuckled. He smiled and chuckled too. "Mind if I give a thank you present?" She said while smirking and I knew exactly what he was implying. "Um, actually I think cuddles will do just fine." I blushed a rosey red.

I walked back to my room and I hear him following me as expected. I put the blanket I was going to use back into the closet and when I turned back around i saw him shirtless and only in his briefs. I looked away really quick so he didn't realize I was staring at his body. "Liked what you saw" he chuckled at me and smirked. Well damn he saw me alright. I blushed for the 3rd time around him. I feel a pull between my thighs and I hurry in get into bedand covered myself. He pulled me close to him and hiked my leg over his waist thsn proceeded to kiss my forehead. Again I blushed because what girl wouldn't when theres a hot man in your bed cuddling you.

I laid my hand on his chest and I could feel him rubbing his hand up and down the back on my thigh. I noticed I was getting wet. I prayed to god that he doesn't notice. Then i feel him start making his way up my side and I realized I don't have bra on, just panties and my nightgown. I didn't think I would be in the same bed with him. He hiked his hand under my nightgown and I gasped when he started playing with my right nipple between his fingers. Then a involuntary moan slipped from my mouth. He was just laying there enjoying himself. I felt his clothed rock hard dick against my pussy but I didn't move. I just let him touch me. Soon he pull my panties off of me and he smiled at how wet they were. He kissed my neck and found my sweet spot instantly. I let out a raspy moan. He stopped all of a sudden and cuddled me. He got me all flustered and just stops. I don't know what took over me to let this stranger touch me the way nobody has before. He kisses my lips and it felt like I was in heaven. I laid my head on my pillow and then i was out cold. Naked in bed with a handsome stranger.

#ahs #ahs apocalypse #ahs imagines #ahs8 #american horror story #michael langdon #michael langdon dirty one shots #michael langdon headers #michael langdon imagines #michael langdon smut #satan #satanic

90 notes · View notes

blue-shaded · 3 years

Note

To the anon who replied to me with the big message (yes I read all of it lol), I've seen quite a few speedrunners/people in the community worry that the MC speenrunning community will be like looked down upon/delegitimized to the rest of the general speedrunning community (like other speedrunning categories on speedrun.com), I have also seen a bunch of people questioning the legitimacy of the speedrun mods during the time that it was up in the air about whether or not Dream cheated, so I guess I'm saying that both are being claimed to be delegitimized. And whether he is a Professional speedrunner or not, he's a big name on YouTube in general right now, and I would 100% say it's like 75% or more due to both the manhunt series (which are advertised as hunters vs speedrunner, which implies he is a professional minecraft speedrunner, whether he is or not), and the speedrunning drama (where, obviously, he is speedrunning), and being such a big name associated with speedrunning thanks to both of those, it's not really crazy for outsiders to assume he's a sort of figurehead/representation of the mc speedrunning community and take him as the, like, norm for the community

As for the not condemning his stans thing, I can admit that he has and that I was wrong on that front, but I follow his Twitter and I have been since like December/January, and nit once have I seen him condemn them in a way that he either didn't delete, or wasn't sarcastic. He has a tendency to say things like "Ah yes, let me just control 20m+ people" and "of course 20m+ people will listen to me just because I say not to do something" before saying not to do stuff, which comes off as sarcastic, which comes off as not serious, and stans will take it as such. The only serious stuff I have seen from him has been him condemning stans in replies to other tweets, which dont show up in notifications or on the main tweets page, and is easily able to be overlooked. Imo the most notable thing he's done to say don't be toxic is his Twitter description which just says "Dream stans supremacy (unless you're toxic)"

Imo, he needs to not just say "hey, don't be toxic", and instead condemn the toxic BEHAVIORS (tell them not to tell people to kys and not send hate towards people on his behalf and such), because just saying not to be toxic won't help because the people being toxic most likely won't realize they're being toxic (idk how they wouldn't realize but most of these people are like 14 and under and I know that I sure didn't realize that a lot of behaviors were toxic when I was 14)

I know that people who hate him to the extent my friend hates him won't stop hating him even if he does condemn them (it's popular to hate popular stuff, because you get some sort of satisfaction from not liking the same popular stuff other people like, and I would know I still have some things I very much dislike just because it's so popular), but I feel like at least some people wouldn't hate him as much. Another things is that he has put stuff on his private account (like when he told people that making fun of someone's dead dog was too far), and not many people will see it because it's private and a lot of people can't see the stuff because of it (the dog thing is one of the only serious tweets like that that I've seen honestly which sucks)

I didn't touch on this in my last ask, but another reason people hate Dream stans is because they trend literally everything, which is fair when there'd actual important stuff to talk about (like the black lives matter/free Pakistan/stop Asian hate stuff), but if it's just a bunch of sports stuff trending then I I see how they're doing any harm by trending the name of their favorite streamer because they're streaming and such (the shooters4dream hashtag was a bit much, but im pretty sure antis started that and the stans just jumped on the trend)

The fact that people hate Dream because of his merch is ridiculous though. Hating him for putting a smiley face on a hoodie and selling it for 40$ is ridiculous, and the argument that people could do the same thing for less is also ridiculous. If you want to put a smiley face on a hoodie then do it? The point of merch is to support your favorite creator and show that you're a fan of them, and I40$ for a hoodie is one of the cheapest options for hoodies I've seen, actually, unless I just want a plain one, and THAT'S ridiculous Imo

Anyways this wasn't meant to be hateful towards you, I just wanted to explain my side/how I see some of the stuff you've brought up more, so sorry if I sounds like I'm just trying to be mean, I swear I'm not (also sorry to Blue in case this is a long ask)

-🐬

(Also, about the thing with my friend, it's not necessarily that she's being mean to me/she's always been mean to me specifically, it's just that I'm not in a good headspace rn and watching her say that dream and those who watch him deserve to die is definitely making things worse for me, especially when she used to be/still is such a huge advocate for mental health and internet safety and not hating on people/cyber bullying, so I'm working on building up the confidence to unfollow her)

y'all its okay you can talk to eachother on here!

0 notes

whimsically-ominously-auspice · 4 years

Text

youtube

Y'all getting tortured too..I lost it. I couldn't handle it

I got germ x on a cotton round and started washing my face.

I got more body parts to literally scrub

After my grandpa died of cancer -- well. Denise killed him but they said it was the cancer...

I took a shower and scrubbed my body every day. I got a new toothbrush weekly.

I used a scouring pad from the kitchen and I didn't ever turn the cold water knob but just a tiny stream.

The water was all the way on full blast hot.

I scoured my skin off.

My Uncle Dad took me to the hospital when he finally came home from the ship. It finally docked.

Doctor asked had I burned myself. "No I just took shower and it just didn't feel clean.. It never feels clean"

"How hot is the shower?"

"Oh will the way hot. I turn the cold on slightly about midway to do the final rinse"

"How long do you shower for and how many times do you perform a "rinse"?"

"Well the shower stays on... I'd say 3 - 4 times when it's all the way hot then at least twice, so about 6.. Sometimes 10.. 12... 45 one day"

I heard my uncle dad sob from the corner. I looked st him perplexed. Cause I was doing right. I was keeping the germs off me.

"I just gotta stay clean dad" as he raised his head he sucked in air through his nose. And i saw a man in misery and guilt

"I'm so sorry sorry i thought you could handle the cancer. I thought you'd be okay and i just had ti fo to work but she...."

"I can handle the cancer dad. I just gotta stay clean and keep the germs off of me"

"What kind of products do you use. SOS pads... Denise doesn't buy a lot of Shampoo so i try to keep,that for my hair... So I'll use dish soap or sometimes even laundry. Bleach is good but she doesn't buy that one slot either. I don't like the amoniea. The smell bothers me but I had to use it 3 or 4 times because I didn't have anything else but that was when i found the SOS pads under the sink. Lo and behold they have soap in them already. So, i quiet using extra except when i wash my face with them. Soften the skin up a little bit more than so I don't get wrinkles"

I looked dead into his eyes and told something I didn't tell any other adult about what i did. I told my friends... But not in a way that it was me. "You know someone i heard of was...." Not I did this. But someone did.

My dad according to my DNA4U although there's,a story about that...

He was in the corner crying the whole time I was talking. "No she needs help. I need help for her."

The doctor said they had received a phone call he thought it was from the FBI. But he looked at his notepad and said "Nope the CIA."

"I just have to keep the germs off me tell them that. They need to, too"

"I'm calling them Billy don't you worry"

"Yeah" he said into the phone "i got a situation here. I'm gonna need you to come in and take her. ... Mental ward"

Son of a bitch. I attacked him. I wasn't crazy. I needed to be germ free.

I grabbed the phone "WHAT I NEED IS TO BE CLEAN AND YOU DO TOO GODDAM THE WHOLE WORLD"

And i beat that poor doctor in the head and back wirh that phone until it fell apart and nothing was left.

"And that's how I kill germs" I told his dead body.

Mental institution?!?! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!? THE GERM INFESTATIONS I WOULD DIE IMMEDIATELY JUST BREATHING THE AIR!!! NO WAY IN HELL!!! GOD FUCKING NO!!!

My dad just sat there as i beat the doctor to death m his eyes and jaw open as wide as can be.

"You understand right? I'm not here to hurt you but This place it's so dirty but i came here with you. Because i trust you to keep me safe. But he wouldn't. Not. The dirtiest place in the world he would send me to and i just can't have that. I'll push the panic button to get you some help that you need"

It was right by the door. So these big ass mother fucking dudes came me in started grabbing me to hold me down and strap me to the bed. Big mother fuckers HUGE. Body builders and shit. "ARE YOU GERM FREE!! DONT GET A HOLD OF ME!! LET ME GO. GODDAMINIT!!!!!!!!!!!!"

I killed all 3. "Now i gotta wash my hands and arms. They fucking touched my face and every thing. Stuck thier fingers in my mouth and all. I need to,start with bleach. Can you get me some?"

My dad was in shock.

"Maybe later. I'll ask you again when your nervous system calms down" I washed my face and elbows.

It was 1992 Christmas was a few weeks away. My lie age I was 12. My real age I was only 8.

Finally the CIA came in "are you here to help or force me to wash my hands again?"

He put his arms up as he walked by me and sat next to my dad "well i know Gaberiel and Calvin can help. Gaberial goes to school with her and he said she looks alright but seems to be in a trance like state most of the time. But they will know what to do. Do not worry. Sabrina you cannot keep killing doctors like that"

"I'm not going!! The backwoods motel where they put the strange and i tell you none of them know how to,wash their hands!!"

"You look like a witch!!"

"At least im a clean one fuck y'all shit"

This whole team of huge CIA dudes... They all washed their hands no less than 3 minutes up their elbows for an additional two while I watched.

This big one said "she's not alright you know that. I never washed my hands this much in my life"

I warned him i would kill him if he didn't get off the team "oh no it's refreshing I don't have a problem. My face too here i come"

When he lifted his face he saw mine. "There's nothing wrong with me sir. This world is unclean"

"That's that transelike state. Her voice gets hollow and the carries. Did she kill the others like that Bill?"

"No I didn't. He made me upset while i waited for th3 help I supposed to be needing. Like no one knows,l they can poison me any second"

I knew but i didn't know Denise injected medicine into my grandpa's vein.

I COULDN'T handle this guy at the sink. He wanted to teach me like he could do it better. Like i had something wrong with me. And he didnt like it"

"Out. Just get the fuck out of here. I'll give you a chance to live."

I ended up killing the whole line of people but this one little yellow Asian man.

He was surrounded by dead bodies. 5. They took the 3 guard nurses and the doctor out already.

"Do i wash my hands now? Is it my turn?"

"SIR!!" i said pissed off. I looked around me. My poor dad "well what do you think about your surroundings?"

"You look good. Able to kill real easily. Looks like I need some more training. But I'm just here to wash my hands as i was told to"

He told me the times he needed to wash.

"Well no one else is in line so I suppose that yes it's your turn now"

I laid down on the little check up table bed and fell to sleep. I was exhausted. Killed 9 people. Because they were aliens. And i would let someone live. 3 people in total. Out of 12..

It could be a good day after all, as long as i didn't go to Baywood Inn Acres.. I'd been there before. I escaped and let all the mental patients out. Well maybe if i went I could do that again I thought as I drifted off to sleep. I could still do it. I'd killed 9 today in just seconds.. I could let the rest escape.

Snoop put me on time restrictions. I bit him. I kicked him. I punched him in the stomach. He would walk in with a shield from SWAT to tell me to stop washing at the sink.

It was all scuffed up and I had to clean it. Germs get in them scratches and cracks...

Before he knew it it was all soaped up and If he exposed, his face he would get soaped too. Bar of soap.

Oh boy he was pissed off at me. "You need to kill the right people!!" Him and Alex Laughlin both said

"Then let me use the soap for as long as I want to"

I was a horrror show star. Like a doll. Like poltergeist. There's that doll that turns it's head all creepy. My eyes be glassy I walked around like I was dead.

I was. I was so dead inside. I KNEW my grandpa would die for no fucking reason. I knew and there wss nothing I could do to save that Old man!!!!

And i KNEW i was going get cancer, too!!!

Just wash it all off. Wash it down the drain.,that is I what i would say.

This video to some. But I used to do that.

2 years later I did get cancer in my throat just like I knew I would. I wrote about it.

So I handle death a lot better. Losing one. Germs.

If I know a person doesn't wash their hands and their hands are warm. I freak the fuck out.

"Don't fucking touch me" and I get filled with violent rage.

Some people think it's cool to make fun of me. A violent assassin. To this date with my bare hands no magic included in the last 35 years I've killed 22,489,601,427 people.

So y'all need to learn to wash your mother fucking hands. 35 seconds i recommend.

CDC says it's good in 20... Don't underestimate the power of germs. Scrub faster and go for long term use of that soap you just squirted on you. Go up to the elbows!

Eventually I got okay. To be okay I had to kill people. 862 thousand.

All aliens in stolen bodies. Then i was okay again.

But until then i would sleep walk to the sink wash,me up then hit the streets in a trance.

So they got a kid to live with me... Anton. From Queer Eye... Him...

"No what are you gonna do? He's got germs on him and he's our only kid!" Alex would bark at me.

"Then you kill him" i would tell him. He never did.

So i posted a video earlier. Poor child. "Wash your hands" "wash your hands!" In the video I shared that he shared. Poor child, "Now you gotta wash both hands although only one is dirty. The other might get jealous. Up to your elbows if you want to but definitely up to your wrists"

He played in the dirt a lot. If he didn't Snoop would pour it on him. "Now what are you gonna do?!?"

I smelled him make sure the cat didn't piss on it

Man Snoop did a hard fight. "Its fucking dirt snoop shut the fuck up!!:

I let that boy teach me about dirt. Is it clean? Does it feel fresh? Or smell bad?"

I let him choose whether to wash or not.

Somethings he HAD to wash after touching "raw meat" we had a list of things that could harm us if it was left on our hands.

I had to wash after uncooked hot dogs. Had to. Kid goddam creeped me out because he didn't

I'd just look at him like he was a leeper to give me leprosy from an uncooked hot dog.

"CHILL OUT!!!"

"Uh anuh he touched a raw hot dog and he didn't wash. Uncooked meat!! Its on there check the goddam list in a hurry" he was like a monster under my bed.

"It says raw meats baby."

"Uncooked is raw"

That little boy. Sweet precious angel he is. He said "i didn't agree because i wanted to go out side and play but now I see i take the hot dog containments into the dirt if I don't wash. So i would like to wash please"

I earned a kiss from Alex who was going by Gaberiel. At the time.

It shocked me with surprise. I did something right for the first time in weeks i wasn't yelled at by an adult. I put my head down on the arm of the chair and wept and wailed and cried.

I spent so much time fighting with who was supposed to be my friends. That it made me calm and feel normal. Ever since that day my grandpa died. I had so much built in my chest like a wall. Filled my body so.

Snoop finally understood under all that muscle mass and need to assassinate... I was still there.

"Lets go get some ice cream it's on the list for,being,human and you get sprinkles for crying."

"Lets go ma then I wanna play in the dirt.

I wasn't sure i could leave the house. I felt really wobbly... To go outside and not kill... It was dangerous. I tried to go back in like 14 times. But Alex kept stopping me. Or snoop or the baby Antony.

"Took us 15 minutes to go get us a dam treat,jist from the door to the car. When we go killing shes flying down the steps and first one to the car. Ain't no one gonna know what's wrong with her! Ain't no one!"

"I do! You just need to wash your hands! Wash Your hands!!" I had a sweet little boy next to me... I looked out the window of that white Cadillac and I sure did hope i could figure out how to,keep the world safe. They played and teased and made,him laugh.,all every one,in the car laughing with joy.

I just wanted to open the car door, jump out and die.

Later I finally told. Some movie reminded me of my grandpa... The only one I ever had. The one that allowed me to kill Denise. A prison guard.

"He died from something out side of him. Not inside out side. I can't handle it. It went down his arm.. Pink. It was something pink"

Snoop on his knees. "What was it poision?"

"Watch. Into here down this way to his pinkie then back up and then down around his heart and through his legs and up the other side and to his brain then he could smell the medicine cold cough syrup. And she kept doing it until the full bottle was,in,his body. It didn't work tho. The next day and the next. 3 more,days than,that. Then he was,dead. 2 bottles each day. Of cold medicine to kill tiny germs"

Alex's face,was,in terrified horror. Snoop still as a statue.

"Where do they live at?" Asked snoop.

"Texas. Redway lane"

"That is where you live at".

"That is what i am telling you. And i was in Texas and i didn't go to Arizona"

Snoop began to throw up in his hand and,ran,from the room.

Alex and Anthony looked at me all "why did you have to tell the truth?!"

"I'm trying to watch the movie here!!" Said Anthony "and tomorrow I wanna play in dirt"

"That's ok baby That's what you can do with Uncle Snoop. We'll be quiet now so you can watch the movie."

If you don't get germs on you. You don't get sick. Then you don't get murdered.

Stay Clean.

Corona. I'm telling you. It ain't no different.

Except I was told something worse than eating Vicks Vapo Rub would happen to me from Denise.

I had to kill 981,602,375 people like Denise until I felt satisfied the world was safer.

Until I could breathe again.

I felt my grandpa die. I was with him. I felt his whole body. When his left lung collapsed...

And he was begging "no Denise don't do it. It won't make me better. No Denise I don't want none. Dont put it in my IV. I don't have no cough or cold. I have cancer and I'm going to beat it"

And that Old man died. And I tried so hard. To keep his body alive. Just stay with him.

And his body was so riddled with cancer. He couldn't take being filled with the thick cough syrup.

After a million kills. Grandpa said I could stop the world would get better then. "If I do two more grandpa then it would get allot better"

We killed 6 million predators. By hand. We picked them from prisons.

Death Row and life sentences. They could die early if they wanted. They understood they would die. They signed contracts. And we filled them in gas chambers. And filled the air with a non toxic cough syrup smelling gas that made them relax. Laughing gas. Then we used rat poision gas. Until they died. We had some other gases too. I didnt care.

We did right by our promise and they choked end coughed choked on a white foam frothing from,their mouths. And,died.. And we watched them through a little window with gas masks on our faces.

"You know you could used a little more nitrous" would say Alex

"Only half choke to death. Most of them lay down peacefully to die."

Oddly white men were more often to fight Than the black man.

"Either the black men are innocent or they know,what to do in a poison situation"

One man. Black. Should been,dead. But he was crawling around checking on,the others. In pain he was.

I ran,from the control booth. Dodging people trying to stop me. I swung open the door against policy. Grabbed him up under his shoulders "why did you sign the paper if you didn't have any thing to do with the crime?$?!" I yelled through my gas mask

"All these are all dead i want to,know why I'm not!!: he was crying he was scared. "I didn't sign the paper because i wanted the hell out. I knew if i died I would go to Heaven!: he was sobbing. In a gas chamber. Filled with poison.

Alex held up a gas mask in,the Window I pointed my head towards my direction.

And I held the black man while he was on his knees in a room full of gas. Alex put the gas mask to protect from,gas on his face.

"Lets go you got to get out. You only have half a,mask"

"I can't"

"You got to,get out now"

He chose his fate. No one else. He would tell me when he was ready to live and i would hold him on his knees until he did. I just stared into Alex's eyes. While he said over and over "you got to, get out" like in case i forgot.

"I wanna get out! Can you help me??" I reached down and grabbed him by his waist. Hoisted him up to my hip and carried him out like a toddler. A nice grown man.

This poor man was a mess.

No one mentioned i was covered in cyanide. For 3 hours until when my skin began to itch "you need,to shower"

"When you finally get covered in killer germs you don't care Because you found someone more important, more desperate. Someone more in a bad situation.,then you don't even notice"

"You trained me not to. Could I at least get an SOS pads for my bath?"

Every one wore a gas mask around me. Even the kid. For three days Anthony did.

"Snoop said you can't go in his car covered in,gas,like,that so we got a rental car"

"You gonna drive in that gas mask?"

"Yeah. Sounds fun. We have to roll down the Windows for you to breathe. I know downtown LA but... And also we got you w hotel. You are covered in cyanide!! No on wants you home. But i do"

I think... It was the first time in my life any one ever gave me a bath while wearing a gas mask.

We had to,change,3 hotel rooms. So i wouldn't pollute the place up.

"See? You yelled at me and you're all jist as bad,and,won't even let,me,see my kid"

"Yeah well you trained us to be extra careful. More cautious than sorry"

Gaberiel. Alex Laughlin slept in bed next to me. In a gas,mask.

Sometimes I couldn't sleep. Thinkin about that man and my grandpa.

And I'd look down at the man next,to me. Pased out. Looking like an innocent kid himself.

I adored him. I felt so much love that a person would be in,danger for me. I shook his gas,mask gently

"What you woke me up what do you want? It was on purpose, too"

"Do you think that man knowed i cared? That I might love someone other than myself?"

"We treat you as though you are selfish because you sre using self harm and you don't understand it. No one is supposed to gargle with bleach? What If you swallowed it?"

"It burns my nostrils any way"

"That's not the point but baby doll. You could kill yourself and we wouldn't have you no more. That is,the point.,that is why we called you selfish. Your addiction to cleanliness could,kill you snd no one,wants that to happen. But look what you do. Go,in a gas,chamber FULL of gas with only a half mask on. You're lucky you don't go blind. But look st it this way. We pushed too hard and in the wrong way and you did drink bleach on purpose in desperation to be clean. It was undiluted, too. I know. I watched you. And you Didjt say anything. Just smiled and said "i feel" i wanted to,slap you then for not listening. But when you pushed me back so you could leave,tje room through the door i was blocking. You didnt act like nothing happened. You felt like nothing happened. And I realized we were doing something wrong then two,weeks later you tell us why it was so,important to be kept clean and germs off of you. And i wanted to die for the way snoop and I had been mistreating you. And that is why I started the gas chambers of criminals to honor Yoir grandpa for working at the prison to keep,them in line. End,it for your grandpa and avenge his death with revenge. It would be what healed you both. And next time call the police when someone is being poisoned."

"She did it when i,was asleep. I would fall asleep all kinds of times of days to be with him. I promised when i was a young kid that i wouldn't let him die alone. Not by her. And when i woke up I was too groggy to remember what was going on. I thought it was a dream a bad one i hoped it wasn't real but it was and i can't get over this feeling this fear.. That had me at constant companion"

"What does that mean my love?"

"Evil. My grandpa said"

So y'all in,this world of 2020

Keep,calm.

It is,gonna be okay.

1 note · View note