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tylerwritez · 3 years

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I was gonna post this to my main but decided against it

Disclaimer b4 I type out this post because I know yall are gonna freak out: I am NOT going to shoot up my school. I would never do that. I like my highschool. I have friends, I have a good life, I'm not getting bullied, and I dont even have a gun in the first place. I AM NEVER GOING TO KILL ANYONE!!!! there. Theres your disclaimer, now you can't be pissed off at me.... also tw gun violence tw school shootings, you get the idea. DO NOT KEEP READING IF YOURE GONNA TRY AND THROW ME UNDER THE BUS FOR THIS POST! (tumblr is like a diary to me sometimes)

Okay, now that we've gotten that over with, let's begin. School shootings. I've watched a few PSAs about it (they were both sorta lame and stupid tbh, but I'm not gonna go in depth in those departments), anwyays, I've watched a few school shooting PSAs and I gotta say, the way media frames these attacks is so... I dont know. Maybe I'm looking at it all twisted, but there is a certain fantasy constructed around school shooters that draws in kids who feel theyve been alienated, kids like I used to be in 7th grade. In every PSA, there's always a moment where the shooter reveals himself as your worst fucking nightmare, busts through the doors guns blazing, yelling at everyone "LOOK AT ME!"... there is a power in that moment that I find so captivating. Obviously, I'm not delusional. I'm not a psychopath. I know that in real life, shooting attacks are horrific things. People die. I know this. But oh my god. Those PSAs have really cut me deep, down to some bone whose existence I wish I could ignore. The bone, sawed in half, is crying out to me now. "LOOK AT ME!" it screams. "I AM A PART OF YOU!" and you realize that you have got more in common with that dude on screen than you think. You realize that actually, you and him are kinda the same in this sick twisted way. And in this sick twisted way you wish you woulda done it. You look back to your old junior high and imagine busting through the doors with a gun. You fantasize about the fear in everyones eyes, in their faces, they scream and beg and you finish them off without mercy. The blood, the brains, the horror, and the bodies are there for the taking. You see in your mind such a clear picture.... like in the PSAs. Where instead of the placeholder white teenage boy its YOU, you're the white teenage boy and everyone who ever looked down on you is gonna feel your wrath. It's such a euphoric fantasy. I cant even begin to describe the power!!! In that one moment. The reveal. Everyone is shocked. Everyone is horrified. Everyone runs, afraid of you. Like you become a god, or at least, a predator animal. Then at the end, you save yourself a bullet. Look over the dead bodies,,, your dead bodies,, and then join them. Peaceful exit. Energy spent. Sing a few verses of a song, and then finish the job.

But in the end, that's all it is.

A fantasy. A fantasy from my junior high years that I have trouble releasing. I KNOW that I wouldn't ever do that today. I know that I wouldn't want to do that at my highschool. In the end, I would NEVER do that. But still the dirty thought of it lingers. Every time I see one of these GODDAMN FUCKING PSAs where you have the shooter busting in like that I'm basically triggered into this fantasy. This fantasy I built in secret... this fantasy I must dismantle.

I want to let go of the hate in my heart. Listen, hear me out. I have never in my life had a healthy way of coping with anything. I didn't get help from anyone, so of course I didnt have healthy coping mechanisms, I was a mentally ill child with nobody. It was... not a surprise.

I think that, on a path towards healing, you need to learn to drop your unhealthy coping mechanisms and get healthier ones. You need to drop the god fantasy, you need to drop the self harm, you need to drop the child with healthy parent-child relationship fantasy... you need to drop everything that's downright degenerate about you. For me I think those are the main three. The way they contrast each other is jarring.

Look, I KNOW this sounds borderline psychopathic. But I swear I'm a... okay, maybe not normal... I'm a decent person. I try to be. I try to be kind to everyone yknow? I'm not... I'm not so full of hatred anymore. It's just that sometimes I see somehting like that PSA and the anger resurfaces and I remember and I can feel my past self...

Not even just shooting stuff... that's a relatively minor part of the big picture. In the big picture, it's always things like happy children with their wholesome parents. That takes me back and I can again feel my past self,, even my present self mourns the loss of this. And i am so... angry. Jealous. Sad. And well, I'm at a loss for how I should feel. I always think "why? Why them? Why does that kid get a happy childhood? Why not me? I was the same as that kid is right now. The exact same. And you're giving HIM this experience... this HAPPY, NORMAL, HEALTHY experience... and you give me this clusterfuck of confusion. Okay.

.... who is "you"???? I notice I talk in second person a lot but I don't know who I'm addressing it to.

I used to have a habit of talking to god so maybe it's just that carrying over..

I used to beg god when I was a child. To let me be happy. To let me be normal.

.... I wish things could be different.

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theworldsoul · 3 years

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Han leid

....han varr.

#judejournals

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tylerwritez · 3 years

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Have you ever been in love? Its Tuesday, October 12th and I'm in love. Hes so cute and he makes me laugh all the time with how stupid and cute he is I really like him and I like spending time with him. His last name has got "blue" in it but his eyes are green and they're the prettiest goddamn eyes I've ever seen, like a light greenish colour, hard to describe. I like looking at his face and listening to him call me a nerd. He makes me feel like I love him! Like happy nervousness fluttering inside me but also i know I'm safe with him. His voice, his stupid jokes, everything about him I love. I cant exactly tell him all this though,,, I've already boosted up his ego enough 😅 but fuck it, it's TRUE, I feel like I love him. I hung out with him today and I went home smiling to myself thinking about him. Even though we didnt do any sex stuff really, I still really like to spend time with him, and it hasn't happened yet but like I know I wont regret anything I do with him because I'm pretty much 100 percent sure that I love him and trust him... I love to hug him just,,,, just hug him. I love to kiss his stupid pretty face and look into his eyes and when he touches me I get this rush. This all sounds so cringe but I really really love him and I'm getting emotional over it like I feel like I'm gonna cry from how much I like him oh shit I AM crying fuck okay... but yeah I love him and maybe I'm not the absolute best at showing him that but it's true, it's there, I love him.... and I'm pretty sure he likes me back at least, I mean hes nice to everyone but a little teasingly mean to me (seemingly specifically???) Which kinda feels special lol idk that's cheesy though, also when I told him I liked him he said he had a crush on me too... look, I dont know. Maybe I cant insult him well or beat him in Mortal Kombat or Super Smash Bros or pick up my vape from the floor without falling over off his bed and fucking up my glasses but WHATEVER!!! it doesnt matter to me. He IS better than me, literally in every way. Maybe my insults arent on par with his, my jokes arent either, my musical ability isnt either, my looks aren't either, my strength isnt either... but let it be that way. I dont mind. We're always trying to one up each other and he always wins but it doesnt even matter that much to me anymore if he wins. Let him win. He's meant to. I love him. Jesus. It's really quite the fucking feeling to have. I just wanna hold onto him and kiss him and tell him I love him, show him I love him because I do. It's such a strong feeling. Its lighting my heart ablaze. Everything he does I admire. Even when hes just being stupid (so pretty much always) I love him. Fuck, I wish he knew. I wish he really knew that I when I said "I love you" I fuckin meant it.

I swear to god,,, I hope he doesnt think I'm too much for this. Like, I know he wanted something chill and I hope he doesnt find it weird that I actually like him. I WASNT SUPPSOED TO EVEN LIKE HIM IN THE FIRST PLACE IT JUST HAPPENED!!! IT ALL JUST FUCKING HAPPENED AND I FELL IN LOVE AND I HAVE THIS HUGE FUCKING CRUSH ON HIM!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!

Also did I mention hes really hot? Yeah I proabably did already but fuck it hes super hot and I'm into him!!! And I just.,..,,., I'm literally going insane over him yall dont even understand.

Or do you? Have you ever been in love?

I think now I have.

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tylerwritez · 3 years

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Sunday, September 19th, 2021, 10:31 p.m.

Hey guys

I'm here again,,, which, as y'all know, means I've got something to say.

My life has been sorta stupid lately. I dont quite remember when I posted here last, but,,, a LOT has happened since then. I got into a lot of new music and tweaked my image a bit, my parents found out all about my self harm... and now they are being REALLY strict. No closing doors, I gotta do my art downstairs instead of in my room, my messages got searched, my room and bags are regularly searched, its like I have 0 privacy which ie ridiculous because I'm not going to fucking kill myself if left alone for... omg... a few moments :0

Whatever. They're trying. I love my dad. My mom... I love her too yeah, but idk, I have a weird reaction inside me to her touch, I'm like GETOFFME which is so weird???? But it makes me panicky. Idk why. There are so many things I dont know about myself. I proabably have BPD. IM PISSED at my parents for being so strict but I understand why. It's because they're scared I'll hurt myself real bad one of these days and the damage will be hospital/death level.

I haven't self harmed since I cut up my left leg... so that's how long... lemme check

Since September 11th

It's been only 8 days? WHAT THE FUCKKKK??? it feels like so much longer. I guess that's what it's like when you're addicted... time passes slowly. For example, it feels like FOREVER since I last smoked a cig, but it was really on the 17th.

I made a new friend which is cool. I'm going to call them Velo, which is in their disc user but not their actual name. Velo is pretty cool... they're a chill person, and I'm afraid I maybe came off as annoying, but I'm doing my best at social interaction,,, its been a long time.

Velo has been helping my tattoo my arm, I did a heart and they designed a face to go inside the heart. So far it's looking super epic! I also have a smiley face on my knee, a sad face on the other knee, and I'm going to do a sun so i can match my BFF, whos getting a moon.

Wow I'm so #rebellious

ANYWAYS I'm not here to talk about my shitshow life. I'm here cos I'm sad and I wanna talk about that and HONESTLY doing my best right now Not to hurt myself because I WANT TO HURT MYSELF!!!! so badly. But it makes me feel guilty,... my parents were so upset. Crying and shit. It made me feel so bad, but like, they shouldnt be doing all that crying shit in front of me... I swear sometimes they forget that I have feelings too...

Right now, I'm mostly upset about my slight weight gain... I'M FUCKING FAT and ugly as fuck, my acne meds dont seem to be working and I... my fucking face... is shaped WEIRD.... i look at my body and I dont even see anything remotely human it all looks disgusting and fat and gross and repulsive and like some kinda of monster and my skin is disgusting and full of acne like some kinda monstrous thing and I have got scars and scabs and... it hurts. It hurts knowing how fucking ugly I am. Seeing that other kids my age havent got dots all over their fucking faces, it's just me. Since I was 10 years old. And IM FAT holy shit I'm so fat I'm so ugly I dont even look human my lips are gross and my nose is fucked up and I dont even look like a boy becos my thighs and hips are fuckinf massive I hate seeing little blond children knowing theyll grow up without my fuckinf problems, I HATE IT, I HATE CHILDREN I WANT TO FUCKING KILL THOSE PERFECT FUCKING KIDS FUCK FUCK FUCKKK I hate seeing them knowing their family loves them and they never have to question that, knowing theyll grow up without the struggles of being trans, knowing theyll grow up without the struggles of being mentally ILL and of having everyone deny your sickness and assume you're a bad person and ruin your ability to trust adult authority figures and ruin your relationship with your parents and ruin your ability to walk into offices without crying or tensing up FUCK if I was a bit more off the rails than I am right now id take one of those little blond kids and beat the shit outta them because fUCK, FUCK, FUCK YOU, ,, WHY YOU ??? WHY YOU AND NOT ME? WHY??? WHAT COULD I HAVE DONE AS A CHILD TO DOOM ME TO THIS??? and the answer is nothing. It's not that kids fault, or my fault, or some fake gods fault, or my parents fault, or the teachers fault..... its nobodies fault. This is just how things ended up. A combination of faults from everyone. We are all to blame, but in little, complex pieces that make me think that nobody is to blame.

Its sadder having no one to blame. You cant rile up your anger and point a finger saying YOU did this to me, its YOUR fault... you just gotta put your head down on your desk and cry because there was nothing anyone couldve done to make it better for you.

I'm sad.

Yknow tonight when i went to bed, I couldnt find my nice pillow... it's one of those fuckinf memory foam cool whatever pillows with a batman pillowcase. I looked all over for it but then I realized that the pillow in question is the one I use at my DADS house.... and i broke down crying. I was confused, my brain was confused, between my two houses, because it was thinking of it's old life.... in one house... I'm not even upset about the divorce, I swear to god I'm not. It's just sometimes, my brain is confused about where i am... and I just find that so SAD. It's like oh, right, my parents dont love each other no more, I forgot about that for a moment.

Yikes. ANYWAYS. talking about this didn't help much cos I'm still bawling my eyes out. I'd love to smoke some to calm me down but I only have 2 and I'm saving em for lunch tommorow with my friend... goddamn. I give in. If I'm not too exhausted, I'm going to burn myself and then ill cry some more cos I look like freddy fuckin kreuger then I'll burn myself some more.

Goodnight guys... not that theres anyone out there whose even listening, who even CARES. Jesus.

#judejournals #jude shepard #tumblr journal #tumblr diary #divorce #sadcore #Spotify

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tylerwritez · 3 years

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TUESDAY JULY 13 10:42 A.M.

JUDE IS BACK FROM HIS HIATUS!!!!

One thing I think I will no longer be doing is writing down negative feelings and thoughts and... leaving them there. No. Next time I vent, I delete it right after.

If you want something to be sad over, you'll find something. But if you GENUINELY ATTEMPT to be happy, you will be.

So try harder.

Also, my new phone background is a collage thing of me and my friends at Rebecca's house.

I originally did it as this cool way to remember my besties XD but now it also kinda helps my #SelfEsteem because whenever I think my face is ugly, I look at my phone background and I'm like "that's what you look like, no filter, nothing" and it makes me happier because in that background image I just see a boy being stupid with his friends and I sorta smile like "yeah, that IS what I look like, no filter"

I like it cos, those pictures were taken without me doing anyhting to try and look better, so I KNOW that's like. How I REALLY look. And tbh? Not that bad.

I don't even really mind my smile lines anymore. Cos they're from SMILING!!! means I'm a happy guy.

ALSO I THINK I PASS IN MY BACKGROUND? because I'm that kinda of ugly that says "male" yk, especially next to my friends who are girls/nonbinary I just seem so Boy idk its gender... the photo set is very Gender for my face XDDD THIS IS REALLY STUPID

oh well. Positivity only now, babes.

Also! You may have noticed my HIATUs from posting!!! Yeah, I'll still post, and I'll update y'all on my life... but NOT DAILY... I don't really have the time for that.

I'll do it maybe whenever I feel like, but I'll try and stick to weekly, biweekly, idk, whenever I feel like I should talk about my life, whenever things happen.

Right now I'm actually on a roadtrip!!!

We just spent a day on all the amusement park rides at the Calgary Stampede!! It was AWESOME.

Also we have spent time in #nature and I'm COLLECTING! ROCKS! >:) THEY ARE WAY COOLER OUTSIDE MY HOMETOWN JUST SAYING...

Maybe I'll find a hagstone.

So far no, I've only found cool stripey ones but no hagstones.

Maybe I'm not meant to find a hagstone. Maybe whatever gives me my good luck is protection enough.

ACTUALLY, ON THAT NOTE, I HAVEN'T STOLEN ANYTHING FOR THIS WHOLE TRIP... SO LIKE 1 OR 2 WEEKS. WHICH IS CRAZY!!! PROUD OF MYSELF :)

ALSO I HAVEN'T CUT MYSELF FOR LIKE A MONTH MAYBE(?) WHICH IS SO WOW.

see? I can totally do this! You'll see.

Lately I haven't been stressing AT ALL. like. So much happiness and fun, out on my roadtripppp!

I have had a few stressors.... but like. I've done my best to push them aside, because I know it'll be better not to think about them.

Like, I'm starting to think all my unhappiness cOMES FROM THINKING ABOUT MY STRESSORS TOO MUCH... OVERTHINKING.

However, if I tell myself "don't worry, you'll find a way, you always do" and then try n forget, I'm so much happier.

Here are my current #stressors... since everyone loves some drama (I'm listing em)

1. I MIGHT LOSE MY VIRGINITY UHHHH AND IM NERVOUS AND IDK IF I SHOULD OR WHAT ITLL FEEL LIKE OR IF I SHOULD WAIT.... AAAAAAAA IDK ITS KINDA SCARY COS WHAT IF IT HURTS A LOT... WHAT IF IT FUCKS ME UP. IDK. I KNOW NOTHING.

2. MY STEALING + CUTTING ISSUES... LIKE. I'M ADDICTED???? AND OFC IM HAPPY I MANAGE TO GET BY WITHOUT IT BUT SOMETIMES ITS VERY HARD. TO RESIST. YOUR URGES.

man if that god guy is real I bet hes happy with me (or I guess god can be a girl, or nonbinary, or maybe is not male but still uses he/him, or maybe DOESNT use he him pronouns and we are fuckig it up???? Idk I will just say "he")

(I doubt god has a gender tho lol. He made man and woman in his image yeah? So then.... uh.... he would be intersex(?)

Personally I think god has No genitals at all and No gender either. But then again, I dont even believe in a god...)

ALL IM SAYING IS. IF GOD WAS REAL. THEY WOULD PROBABLY BE PLEASED THAT I AM. RESISTING SIN? SO WELL.

... cos cutting yourself IS a sin....

That used to upset me so much dude. I read this bible passage... and it would be CONSTANTLY referenced. Your body is a temple. Its sinful to harm your body. Its sinful to use drugs, is what they said at school, but like. What about other types of intentional harm? Sin. Sinful.

I used to be so invested in that Catholicism shit, man. And afterward, after I. Did the cutting. I'd be covered in half dried sticky blood. I'd smell the metallic smell so strongly.... because I bled out A LOT... its incredible to me honeslty, how such minor styros and occasional light fat cuts can gush out so MUCH blood. It's a lot. It's more than you'd expect from a little cut. The cuts pool up with blood and then overflow.

It trickles down your legs.

But I'd be patching myself up afterward (basically tryna clean the blood, stop the bleeding, make sure I didnt bleed out onto my sheets and dirty them in my sleep... make sure I didnt leave evidence) and I'd think to myself "this is a sin, I am a sinner..."

Ofc my stupid ass was constantly begging for forgiveness, praying, reading the bible, blah blah, please I just wanna serve you, please help me, please...

What a pathetic state to be in most of my junior high years HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA XD XDDDDD LMAOOOO LMFAOOOOOO ROFLLLLL

like. I had a corner of the school I used SPECIFICALLY to cry.

How sad...

BUT NOW IM IN HIGH SCHOOL!!!! AND I AM PLEASED TO INFORM YOU THAT I HAVE

0 CRYING SPOTS

MANY MAKING OUT SPOTS

like woah its almost like. I dont have to suffer at all.

I'm winning now.

W. What was I talking about before I started rambling. Idk. I forget. Oh well.

POSITIVITY ONLY BABES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ILL KEEP YALL UPDATED I SWEAR

SIGNING OFF,

JUDE SHEPARD

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tylerwritez · 3 years

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Hey guys its uhhh Saturday July 3rd 2021 9:53 a.m.

I literally got 1-2 hours of sleep •_• because I was up into the earliest hours of the morning talking to Jay and Ariel.

... Its homophobic that Jay was away /j :P and not in my room that night because... how do I say this without saying too much... he turns me on, simple. He's in LEDUC. DUDE. COME BACK I WANT TO FUCK YOU /HJ

I told him this before you guys, but my brain does this thing where it randomly sends me back to some memory and I have to live through the feelings yknow? And I twitch a bit. Well my brain has been sending me back to almost entirely memories of him now. And it's. Not even funny. My crush on him grows...

Oh well, I'm patient.

The forums last night were as usual, unhelpful. My dad looks at me as if I'm a tragedy, as if my skin is a crime scene, and we have a total of *drumroll* TWO COMMENTS! One of them was okay in helpfulness. They mostly just wanted to write about their tattoo cover up of their scars but. They were right about how you are the only person who gets to decide what you think about your scars.

If he thinks of me like that... doesnt mean I HAVE to think of my own self that same way.

So true.

Next person said maybe he doesnt think I'm damaged, maybe hes just gawking at the damage done to me?? And how he couldnt stop it?

And like isnt that the same thing honestly.

Oh hey, yeah I gotta tell you about TODAY. not yesterday or last night.

Well uhm I just woke up on my BEDFRAMELESS BED Cos they packed it and left me with the MATRESS xD (I wonder if this is their way of cockblocking me /j)

I got ready and uh I was told like, GET THE FUCK UP DUDE WE R GOING TO THE LAKE RIGHT FUCKING NOWWW

So I'm rushing 2 get ready... well not really rushing. I don't rush. I was getting ready. I go to brush my hair and theres NO BRUSH. ITS BEEN PACKED???? WHAT???

I did my best with what I had on hand and then we left

I'm in the car with my friend and annoying ass sister right now and I got music on

We got Tim Hortons (muffin + ice capp) for breakfast (already over my cal limit... •_• as if that's getting followed nowadays)

lol I dont usually eat breakfast tho so I'll try to skip lunch or have a light lunch, so it doesn't mess me up.

Right now as we are driving to the lake... it's mostly canola fields. Theres lots of canola grown where I'm from lol, just drive a little bit out and you'll see the fields and fields of bright yellow like millions of little highlighters sticking up from the grass. I cant make them out individually though... still waiting on those contact lenses.

Again, I'm patient.

I don't think we're super far out... I mean theres still lots of cars, signs, farms, roadside ads, trees, uh, shrubs, and if we WERE further out the land would be more bare... #grassland #praries #Alberta

Also the sun just makes everyhting look more alive.

Oh NOO IM DESCRIBING THE SCENERY... boring!

Idk. There isn't much to discuss, I'm just listening to music because I'm content with just that. If I come up with anything funny/Insightful(?) I'm gonna make a twitter draft.

10:17 a.m, signing off temporarily,

Judas/Jude Shepard.

4:25 p.m.

We got to the lake, talked, got ice cream, talked, went in the #water... lake stuff.

My friend was gushing over this guy and like... DILF. IF YOU SAW HIM... xD of course I'm just looking though. He just had big pecs which is attractive to me, and the overall build with these broad shoulders XD.

Tbh? I know me and Jay are TECHNICALLY not dating, but I feel like I'm dedicated to him. That's probably because of my crush on him but oh well.

I just keep thinking horny thoughts it's a plague within my brainnnnn and I know its his fault

I did end up asking him but by then he had already logged off so.... he'll respond soon and I gotta be ready. It appears that my mom is signing up for a Christian dating app... we'll see how that goes.

As for Jay's responding, I'll just tell him nevermind.

Anwyays we are headed back, possibly to the bookstore, possibly home.

I KNOW I talk a lot about the same things but that's because I'm infatuated with them.

I'm infatuated with... him.

I think of him in my mind and bam instant horny

I'll try to think of soemthing else,,, this is. Uh. Inconvenient right now.

I'll keep updating you though lol.

Hope I'm not annoying talking about Jay all the time.

I AM doing other stuff, I have a life. I just... I guess I unintentionally highlight certain parts a lot.

11:55 p.m.

IM EXHAUSTED GODDAMNIT MY DAD WAS MAD AT me...

... I wanted to ask to go to my friends house tommorowbut my dad is pissed at me for... closing my door??? dude omg hes like “what were you doing for two hours with the door closed” uhm reading? on my phone? jacking off? im a normal person lol. i said reading and on my phone which IS true and he said”sure...” all sarcastic WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY?? YEAH I JACKED OFF???? stfu

hes not even mad at me hes mad cos my mom is goign on a date lolDONT TAKE IT OUT ON ME STFU

I'm dead.

So I didnt ask cos I was scared shitless lmaooo but I have an appointment anwyays so it works out.

I just read a bunch of this comic called outcast. That's it really. Now I'm gonna sleep after I post to twitter a bit...

ALSO I asked Jay finally about uh. Yeah. Scarring. and he said beauty is in the eye of the beholder. He said I was hot but then he said that on the other hand it feels weird when he runs his hands over them, but in general, he loves me.

So he said "I don't care if you have scars or not, you're still you"

I love him honestly hes so supportive.

I admit I'm a bit sad thinking they feel weird but honestly? Yeah. They do. I felt up my leg where the scars are to check and it feels like hard ribs/ridges to the touch of a hand but he still thinks I'm pretty so I'm not gonna let the scars get me down. Cos I'm still me. It's just scars. Doesn't affect anything.

:,)

Also erin found a hagstone!!!

Gn,

Jude Shepard

#JudeJournals #judejournals

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tylerwritez · 3 years

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11:10 p.m. Tuesday June 29

Hey guys

As I type this I'm a little scared since my parents are arguing downstairs pretty bad... I had to try n brush my teeth quietly so I could stay outta it except my toothbrush is ELECTRIC.... they probably know I heard it all.

Well... I didn't hear it all. I couldn't make out half of it. They just both seemed agitated and angry and my mom called my dad a motherfucker and was on the phone with soemone saying bad stuff about him and the whole time he was saying she was lying and it was just really nasty to have to hear...

11:18 p.m. Its weirdly quiet now. But I'm scared. I'm scared. I want none of this. I don't want them to feel so fucking... upset. I hate that. Oh no. Oh no. I feel like I'm about to cry. But I won't. I won't cry because I'm stronger than that. I won't cry.

Oh shit now they're talking about me... but it sounds like my dad's on the phone with someone and my mom is gone, probably smoking/drinking in the garage. They're pissed I'm not packed yet. Damn, they really can't stand each other.

My mom is faking abuse????

It's hard to tell what he's saying from up here in my room...

It's my responsibility not to be upset about this anyways, okay? I'm just worried that shit will go down... or that my sister is hearing all this.

FOOTSTEPS... MY DADS... SCARED. SCAREDSCAREDSCARED PLEASE DONT GO UP THE STAIRS PLEASE DONT GO UP FUCK

Okay I misheard he just turned on the A/C... didnt go upstairs to my room. Man my ribs hurt. Probably from binding. they hurt so much I cant sleep on my side tonight :( oh well.

12:56 a.m. update: GODDAMNIT I TRIGGERED MYSELF BY LISTENING TO THIS FUCKIGN SONG AND NOW I HAVE SELF HARM URGES FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK HELP HELP ME HOW DO I STOP I HaVE NO REASON TO CUT I JUST GOT TRIGGERED TO WANTING TO DO IT...

1:20 a.m. update: I think I want to be sick again. I look at all this work I've done and I think to myself, why did I have to do this all alone? Why is there still so much ground to cover? It's not bad enough. I should be sicker if I want help.

I think I WANT to fall back into my old habits so I can get help.

That's. Weird.

I'd tell y'all about my day but I didnt really go out. We went to the mall and I l1fted some stuff. Easy peasy. I'm listening to music... I packed some more so lots of music... youtube...

I didnt do much today. This entry looks lazy but my day WAS lazy. It's super hot here... I have a fan RIGHT NEXT TO ME RN and I'm half naked and that's like. A normal temperature. If I were to move away from the fan (and its 2 cm away from me) I'd die of heatstroke.

Here's the song I'm listening to:

I'm alone, in the dark. I don't know. My brain keeps going back to the same memories over and over and over and forcing me to live through it all and forcing me to feel all of that and my physical form can't handle it and I start to twitch and spasm.

Actually I noticed I'm kinda prone to weird movements... this physical vessel is weak. I stim (sometimes on purpose, sometimes not on purpose), I get shiveries, my arms start to tremble if I put any weight on them and keep em in the same position long enough, and MEMORIES make my physical self RECOIL, my ribs hurt a lot..... I'm so weak. So so weak.

I dont know how I'm supposed to feel about that? I dont WANT to be weak in any way. But I mean... it makes sense.

I'm hoenslty really fucked up.. I need therapy like right fucking now but WE ALL KNOW IM NOT GETTING ANY OF THAT :)

Oh the strife that comes with trying to be a decent son and more accurately, oh the strife that comes with being afraid of telling g people that you need therapy... and being afraid of therapy and therapists in general.

If only we could erase the past.

I don't WANT to be a living breathing memory of a boy who's dead now, or a funeral sad about the man he could've become.

... I keep looking around my room and seeing how BARE it looks and it really cements the fact that I'm moving cos my parents are getting divorced and its fucking OVER. Like woah. Just when I finally thought I could maybe get a family,,, it's all torn apart.

I wonder how long they loved each other... and how long they stayed together for us.

Fucking hell. Fuck. FUCK. this is so unfair. I thought maybe... I thought that since they stopped being so scary and mean... I thoguht that since... well okay. They stopped being total dickheads to me and let me express myself more and now things are so much better and as long as you catch them in a good mood... you have parents.

....

Now? I wonder if any chance for me to rebuild our relationship and become a normal family has been taken away.

Fuck, why do I care so much about Parents anwyays? It's too late now. Even if they got back together and started being decent toward me like a real true family, that doesnt undo everything else.

Fuck, but I can never tell them that. They proabbaly think to themselves that hey, at least they did a good job with Kid Number 1... I dont have the heart to tell them its complicated.

I know whoever reads this is gonna think I'm some ungrateful brat. But trust me... I've been through some stuff. The ian you know today is a fucking hellhound. The dog of god, not the lamb of god.

I'll explain later. I'm too tired now. Here, take this post.

1:37 a.m.

Goodnight

Oh shit no not goodnight, Ariel messaged me, one sec

#Spotify #JudeJournals

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tylerwritez · 3 years

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OKAY ANWYAYS its 10:57 p.m. Wednesday June 23

I'm gonna start writing my entry now so that later I'm not too exhausted to actually TALK about stuff.

Yesterday Bee gave me a link to watch Supernatural on my computer so later tonight I probably will.

I'm in class right now, we just had a test on evolution (boring) and I studied some of the book State And Revolution by Lenin (I also took notes) (he's 100 percent correct by the way)

I just had a wonderful discussion with my friend on Instagram XD it was kinda funny. I dont have much else to say Yet. I'm having a coffee and listening to Samaris

I guess that will be my song recommendation for today since I'm listening to it right now XD

Also my parents said yes to letting me go to Jay's house to watch Insidious after school, I just gotta be back for supper! I'm excited abt that... cos he is actually like. The best. So in honour of that or whatever I'm giving yall TWO song recs today... also I dont think I gave one yesterday so here is Jay's fave song XD we gave different taste you'll notice,,, if you pay attention to the stuff I reccomend

Like he listens to old stuff XD he liked this weezer song from my playlist so you get the vibes. WEEZER IS GOOD THO omg thank u K (I'm just gonna call him K) for recommending me weezer! I knew a radiohead fan would give me good music lol.

Actually I talked to K a while ago and told him about how insanely transgender the song Bodysnatchers is and he was like wow so true so I figured I'd tell yall to listen to this if ur trans because like I know everyone's got a #different experience but for me I was like holy Shit this is so trans

Anwyays idk it makes more sense if u listen to the LYRICS.

Please I'm supposed to talk about my DAY now we are onto music oh well I guess it happens sometimes plus I'm bored I hate bio class

Okay so now we have come to the thesis that kinks are contagious wow fun times in the insta chat XD

It's now 4:16 p.m. I'm back from school! Turns out I couldn't go over to Jay's cos he has work :( which made me a bit sad BUT IT'S OKAY! We can always hang out another time you know?

I'm just studying right now for my final exam... TOMMOROW

Update: 8:15 p.m.

I'm out biking. We've mildly vandalized a school, I'll attach images after I remove the exit data... it probably doesnt count as VANDALISM tho like it can easily be washed off.

My sister made some new friends her age and whatnot. Idk, just regular stuff.

Update: 10:43 p.m. I was frustrated while studying because some of the questions are stupid and I'm stupid and I cant remember TWO ENTIRE UNITS so that's fun. I got really upset. Idk.

Also Star is kinda being bitchy. Like, I know shes upset cos I dont give her enoguh attention but like... do YOU give me attention? Like, shes always so mean out of the blue, even if I try to be nice or if I'm BUSY AND NOT IGNROING HER, BUT BUSY... and it puts me off and it makes me not wanna talk to her like what's the point in saying "hey how was ur day?" If shes gonna act like a bitch to me :| I just dont understand like if she wants soemthing she should say it outright and PUT SOME EFFORT in jesus christ.

Sorry. I dont hate her and I'm not mad at her, I'm just fed up! I'm tired!!! Okay??? Am I not allowed to be exhausted sometimes?

Whatever. I mean at least I got to drink monster.

I gotta start dieting again cos I'm gaining weight :( and its upsetting me

Anyways this whole thing with Jay and Star is kinda confusing and dramatic and I'm kinda tired idk. Its MY OWN FAULT but I just want to be able to. Idk. Not hurt anyone. Whatever. It's too late now and it's not really worth trying anymore.

I hope Jay doesn't just totally ditch me when he goes to college... :( I would be so sad... it's a good thing I can spam his number and insta XD

Wish me luck on my final exam. I need it.

And if anyone knows any good ways to avoid cutting myself, TELL ME!!! Because DAMN I really want to go spend all my money on a four dollar knife/steal a knife then SLICE MYSELF UP. SO BAD. jesus.

I think I should just die I'm actually a horrible person.

Update: its 11:22 p.m. and my parents are FUCKING ARGUING AGAIN JESUS CHRIST JUST FUCKING DIVORCE ALREADY. I wish my lil sister didn't have to hear this shit... oh well. I'm already a shitty influence anyways so I guess it doesn't matter.

... have you ever seen your parents CRY? Because I have. And jesus christ it's the actual worst thing ever. Especially if you're young. Especially if it's YOUR fault... Especially if it's over shit you could barely even comprehend because of your age. Money. Shit like that. They LOOK at you with this expression, like a fucking wounded animal. It's the expression of someone just totally fucking defeated. The expression of soemone who is frightened. And its fucking scary, especially when it's your fault.

My mom does this every time she sees I've cut myself again. I hate it. Makes me wanna cut more because STOP IT. she always looks dESTROYED. It's the worst.

Sometimes they argue and fight and shit and they yell at you yell at you Yell at you scare you into submission and fuck having angry parents is terrifying because they're suppsoed to protect you and be understanding and gentle with you, the child, the cattle of the shepard, the egg of the black goat... ESPEICALLY WHEN YOU ARE IN PAIN. Every time you cry they get angrier and angrier, every time you wear what u wanna wear they get angrier and angrier, every time you are ANYTHING OTHER THAN WHAT THEY WISH YOU WERE... they get angry. You start to feel like maybe they dont ACTUALLY love you. There is a disconnect between what you need and what you are given. What you see in media and what you see at home. You start to feel like shit.

Eventually you learn that if you dont want the head of your favourite stuffed animal twisted off or your sisters barbie doll thrown out the window in a moving car or to be verbally insulted or to have them do SCARY things like make moves toward you before they remember they aren't suppsoed to hit you and just punishment that's emotionally fucking damaging all those words that you remember years later but they don't, every time they tell you they wish you were dead.... you gotta be quiet. Shut up. Do as you're told and don't say a fucking WORD. good boy. Upset? Don't tell them. Don't cry in front of them. Say nothing. Maintain the illusion, it'll keep you safe.

Soon enough your entire life is a secret and you need therapy but can't get it and wow, I wonder why I'm like this? I fucking wonder.

They aren't even arguing anymore but I wish they would shut up because I dont wanna hear their voices its making me ANXIOUS...

Sometimes I feel like I never got to develop past a certain point in childhood. Maybe 5, 10, 3, 6, I dont fucking know. Over 2 and under 10. Like my brain is emotionally stuck there and all of my behaviour is stuck there too. Sometimes if shit hurts me in ANY WAY I just sorta allow the bad hurt to happen. I tell myself, endure. Stay quiet, don't say a word. I've trained myself this way and now it's hard to learn to be loud and talk to people and be my own self without being scared. And part of this... is why I appreciate my friends and JAY. Jay, who always makes sure I'm okay. And everyone I know who likes to drop into my messages every once in a while to see how I'm doing... everyone who never forgets about me.

I'm actually so fucking appreciative of all my friends.

I don't know. I just... wish it was easier to sort out my shit but I guess not

Update: it's now 3:09 a.m. and I'm so fucking tired but whatever. I talked to Jay and it's hard to say much because I'm so tired but FUCK I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM JESUS CHRIST IM IN LOVE?!?!?!!! goddamnit it I just wanna be with him constantly...

Also I told him I was worried and he said, with his cute fucking voice, that I shouldnt worry cos he wouldnt just leave me. And. ThaNK YOU JAY. IF YOURE READING THIS, THANK YOU. Sometimes I get this dude's messages and just fucking smile. Hes the best and I love him. His whole self is a thing of beauty that I admire so much hes so charismatic and attractive and CUTE and I always tell him he's overconfident but MAN if i was that guy I'd be such a douchebag from confidence... dont tell him that though, xD like man I'm trying my best but at this point I wouldnt know what to fucking do if he went away. Like I'd cry so much.... I hope he doesnt move on from me too quick.

I'm so. I feel happy. Because I'm looking at everything and I feel so happy I'll cry and so sad I'll laugh. It's like being in a shitty coming of age movie where they play pop punk and the main character has his moment with the hot girl at the school dance or whatever bullshit. I feel like that. But its also like that same main character in his late forties stumbling upon an old photo of him and his highschool girlfriend and killing himself from love.

Here's what I'm listening to now... this plus a bunch of nostlagia inducing songs earlier... I just. Memories. So many. I almsot want to cry. Like. Look at them. Hold them in your hands as if they're these lovely little stones you found on the ground and put in your pockets cos they had cool stripes. Feel their WEIGHT. It's one of those things where it's so happy it's sad. It's so sad its happy. You're laughing and crying all at once and all you want is a hug. Because you can FEEL the human parts of you coming out, seeping out like a styro, starts off white then... blood. Humanity. I am vulnerable and exposed and I leave myself here.

HAN LEID, HAN LEID, HAN LEID,... han varr.

He walked, he walked, he walked,... he became.

I guess I'm still walking. But jesus christ. People affect me so much. So much. These memories, how it was cold or sunset or hot outside or nighttime and dark, how we were there as humans. I'd never be happier than in those little moments but you don't see it until years later. You don't see how important it was until you think of it and cry... fucking hell. Nils, Mark, Gabe, Max, James, Kyle, Liz,, every friend I've ever had. Nothing is better than music and memories because jesus christ I would've loved to have... died.

Died? No. My brain does this thing... I dont mean died. I guess I mean I wouldve liked to be frozen in those moments.

Sometimes I get a similar feeling. It's not the same, but its similar. This thing where you are so happy and grateful and sad because this is a tragedy and wow look. A happy moment in a tragedy. But jesus its happy enough and I want to cry because I really do appreciate the people who's lives cross paths with mine. I cry because I think of every little moment in which I knew that I wasnt alone and every little moment in which I felt their SOUL with mine and every little moment where my heart was touched... even unintentionally and in ways that dont make sense.

There was a girl, I'll call her Jade, I came out to her before anyone else. And sometimes, in the back of my head, I play that moment. In my mind. It was over fucking Skype. But I still felt it.

Oh man... I should proabably tell my coming out story. The story of how I came out to my parents. I was scared. I really was... but I felt like if I couldn't be ME, I couldn't live, or at least I didn't want to.

This was the song I played as I wrote a letter at... around this time actually, 3 or 4 am

I wrote it so spontaneously. I didn't even THKNK. I just wrote it. Because I was tired of crying myself to sleep every night and well... I had camp the next morning. That gave them a solid week or so to think about my letter... that would ensure they would be able to cool off whatever anger it would make them feel.

I wrote on one sheet of sketchbook paper front and back. I tried my best to explain. I tried my best. And that paper is stained with tears and still rests in my moms sock drawer

The whole thing got complicated after that... but in the end it worked out, with a lot of fucking work and persistence on my part.

Soemtimes I hope they look at it and cry themselves like how I did writing it.

Sometimes I just wish things were different. But they're not. I gotta deal with this.

But hey! Hey! We were happy earlier. Because... I dont kNow. I love everyone and I love the planet and i never want anyone to have to be hurt. Okay??? I love. Everyone.

Its hyperbole but still. I just want the best for everyone and I hate when other people are suffering cos it makes me upset. And. I don't know. I feel so... emotional right now. Like right now? I just want to hug everyone. And tell them that I'm here. And that it's okay. Look at me, dude! Look at me. I fucking made it... kinda. You can too! If you're reading this and you feel like shit... pull through. Please. I believe you can. I love you ANF I care about you and if you ever need help, message me.

Whatever I just. I dont know. I feel all like I just want everyone to be happy and at peace.... because I remember SO MUCH and all of it is making me cry a lot because I'm full of love okay? Like. I just care about people. I had to say goodbye to all of them but I don't fucking forget. I NEVER FORGET. It's a curse and... right now? The saddest blessing ever.

I had to say goodbye... yknow, I've never been good at goodbyes. I hope I don't have to say goodbye to Jay for a while. A long time. And when we do... I hope I can listen to his song and think of him and pull out every memory as perfectly as I can for everyone else. I just. I don't know. I see all these people in my mind, in flashes and it all comes flooding back to me. That isnt just a face. That was my friend and now they're gone. That was my friend and now? Not a word from them... that was my best friend and now its awkward. I don't want that anymore.. its painful. All of these people that have forgotten me years ago... who I still remember. Ouch. I dont know. I think I'm being dramatic because tlaking to Jay and being sleep deprived made me all mushy and then I listened to music. So.

Music makes everything feel so much more consuming but I cant live without it.

I dont even know

I'm just happy that I get to experience love.

Even if in the very end I am left alone... even if I'm tormented with memories of a happiness that can only be temporary,,,

I still appreciate it all and I'm full of love and appreciation I'm happy and i want to say THANK YOU to everyone

Signing off at 3:50 a.m,

Jude Shepard

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tylerwritez · 3 years

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Goddamn it I am such a total loser, I'm like the stereotype of a nerd and I'm not even good at that. I'm so painfully uncool. So painfully cringe. I'm ugly and cringe and I laugh when its not funny and I trip over my words because I don't know how to talk to people because I suck at social interaction. The things I pride myself as being good at, like art,... I'm actually bad at those things. I'm painfully stupid. I'm ugly and fat and short and I'll literally never look good no matter what I do so why am I even trying? I'm trying to make myself feel okay because if my face is not covered by my hair somewhat I feel so self conscious... like I swear I'm the ugliest motherfucker on the fucking planet...

On top of that I'm like a fucking nerd like this guy I like teases me about it BUT ITS TRUE!!!! and I'm not really a nerd in a cool way I'm a nerd in a way that's like cringe and terrible and unbearably annoying to listen to, nOT THAT I EVEN TALK MUCH ANWYAYS SINCE I CANT SOCIALLY INTERACT...

You guys, the dude at the comic shop knows me and one of them STOPPED ME 2 GIVE ME A FREE HORROR COMIC (it was like free comic day) you gUYS I GO THERE SO OFTEN THEY RECOGNIZE ME AND KNOW MY TASTE IM GONNA DIE... MY FRIENDS KINDA TEASED ME A BIT AND LIKE... I WISH I WAS COOLER MAN I DO BUT ITS LIKE IM NOT MEANT TO BE!!! all the stuff I like isnt "cool" at all. I like "bad" music, I like "childish" anime, I like "lame" comics and I draw "gross" art... ITS WHATEVER. I'm not meant to be cool!!!

I kinda would like 2 be friends w that guy he really did seem 2 know what he was talking about but it's not like you can just chitchat and try to make friends while someone is working their job 😭

... maybe I need more friends in general I have like 3 real good ones right now but none of em go to my school and sometimes they're busy and then I dont have no one to hang out with xD

When school starts I'm gonna do my best to be more extroverted... I get very anxious in social situations with people I dont know very well like I cant even ask the McDonalds lady for a sweet n sour sauce, so its hard for me to make friends at school... a lot of the times I will be in a class and there wont even be one person who has anything in common with me and its disappointing when that happens haha.

Then because at school I have like no friends and am basically totally isolated, whenever anyone there shows me like, basic kindness, I get very excited about it... i get all worked up thinking "omg maybe this person wants to be my friend!!! Maybe i made a new friend!!!" When all they did was ask if I was okay when I cut myself with a knife in foods class by accident LMAO yes true story that happened...

I dont NEED friends at school, it's just nice to have and it makes the whole school thing a lot easier 4 me.

Anwyays I guess I'm just gonna try to be confident, kind, and outgoing. I'm gonna say hi and introduce myself to people. If it gets awkward, at least I tried, right? Eventually i might manage to actually become the confident person i try to be.

Because I'm actually kinda a nervous wreck...

Since I broke up with my ex it would be really weird for me to still be friends with her friends even tho we are TECHNICALLY STILL FRIENDS,... like it would just be weird because we dont talk much at all, drifted apart I guess... and stepping out of a relationship you start to see things that were sorta wrong with it that you couldnt see while you were IN that relationship. Not saying she was bad or toxic, but some things were questionable yknow? That's just how it is.

Anyways, because of that and because I have all new classes, I need to make FRIENDS!!! I'm tired of feeling like the only person who cares and wants to talk to me is the fucking history teacher who wants to debate communism... man I liked him, I hope I get him next year again, even if I dont agree with him, he was a cool dude and idk I think I had fun in that class and hes the sorta teacher that makes you WANT to do well to impress him.

But like, you see the problem there, right? I need friends and I just... I NEED MORE CONFIDENCE!!! I always feel like the other kids are just so much cooler and better and smarter than I am... it's kinda alienating XD like everyone else is on some other level, we got different humour and all,...

I think I just gotta accept everything about me that's cringey and try to make friends as my real self.

Goddamn, wish me luck in around 3 weeks ish cos I WANT FRIENDS AT MY NEW(ISH) SCHOOL !!!!

#judejournals #jude shep #jude speaks #confidence #making friends #building relationships #spotify #linkin park #trying to make friends #self esteem #low self confidence #introverted #anxious #nervous

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tylerwritez · 3 years

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Tuesday, june 22 2021

I've noticed I'm getting "the shiverys" or "the twitchy" a lot today. Like every time I FEEL something I take a moment to violently tic.... every time I think about certain things I tic.... good things, bad things, things from an hour ago and things from years ago. Tic, tic, tic.

Also, I have... some stuff to explain. Its really no big deal, but you know me: I'll freak out about it anyway. Basically I dissed my friend (rightfully so) around the time that we had just met cos they did something that threw me off.

He saw it in my phone... NOW. it's not RELEVANT anymore and I've since redacted that criticism...and now I gotta explain it to him anwyays. Oh well. I'm good at this stuff. I can get myself outta any situation. I dont even know why I'm talking like this tho... it's not a "Situation" it's just smthn I gotta explain rq.

Oh, today's song recommendation is Spirit Crusher by Death. I'm a huge Death fan...

Also! I gotta study... for my replacement exam. How stressful. Its about photosynthesis, but like, it's not simple. We went DEEP inside those fucking leaves.

One sec, lemme hook up my IV tube

Not an ACTUAL IV tube... just my headphones. But since I'm so #emo, it might as well be a fucking IV tube with the way that I cant live without it.

Its 3:08 and I'm walking home now. I was upset last night but me and Star have made up now lol... it was thAt easy. I'm so defective, making shit hard when it doesnt need to be.

It's so hot out damn. Idk. I had school today, so I had Bio class... I ACTUALLY PAID ATTENTION for once. I had lunch with Star and her friend group, and I honestly kinda feel like they're MY friends now too, even just a little bit.

Actually, I used to rant about feeling lonely like all the time but now I have so many friends it's crazy they all keep inviting me places and it's like people WANT ME AROUND... idk. It makes me happy.

Today I gotta ask if tommroow after school I can go to Bee's house to watch Supernatural (famous homoerotic ghost show)

I should also add songs to Erin's spotify playlist for our picnic saturday which I still need permission to go to.

I gotta ask for Wednesday after school to watch Insidious with Jay which is apparently really good

Also hes the friend that I gotta explain stuff to... the DrAmA... the ThEaTrE....

Update my dad said yes to hanging out with Bee but first I'm gonna miss school to fix my broken brackets on my braces

Also turns out the house I THOUGHT we were moving into has substantial damage from shifting so... we aRENT moving there.

In case you didn't know, shifting is when like the house that's been built literally SHIFTS like it moves around.

Anwyays Jay just texted me... I'm gonna change into shorts since it's hot, set up my study area,.... and respond to him.

The time is 3:22 p.m.

Wish me. Luck.

Luck is plentiful! As it so often is in my risky, risky life.

I play my cards right. It's a learnt skill.

But also there wasnt much to explain since it passed already and was tiny anywyas.

XD so I've made up with the whole goddamn world by now.

Its 6:31, we saw 1 house. Only one. Its kinda hot out but I'm gonna bike now since we just had supper. I finally finished my homework... I just have to finish one mixed media piece as my final project for art!

Friday is my replacement. On photosynthesis and cell resp. We know this. But what I didn't mention, or I dont THINK I did, is that if I finish my art project before then I have the second block FREE!!! Me, Star, and her friend

A are planning to leave for second block and maybe get mint chocolate chip ice cream!

Also I might eat her out XD

Anyways idk. I hope I can bike tonight to call Jay.

I keep accidentally using people's real names here then having to correct it... I dont know how much i care about MY identity being discovered... but to have my friends doxxed would suck.

Man I feel bad abt saying fuck star last night cos we made up....

Wait we r looking at another house? Idk I'm in the car still waiting to go home

Oh wait no now we r goin home

Its 6:39... I hope I still have time.

I went biking, called Jay. Went home. Idk, friendly conversation... we talked more tonight and I also talked to my other friend A. Jay is... I LOVE HIM?? SO MUCH??? I feel so happy. Talking to him thinking about him seeing his STUPID FUCKING FACE JESUS. his eyes alone... I could stare at his face all day probably. I want to kiss him... hOLD HIS HAND... omg... huG HIM!!! Eofjwpxjwie he's so sweet like I can't even... and I'm proabably not good enough for him like. Wtf. Hes easily a 10. And I dont rate things outta 10. How tf do I end up with HIM? Doing stuff, as friends. Like wHAT. I guess I got lucky XD. He says he loves my personality and I'm hot XD ofc I dont see it myself. But like. JESUS CHRIST he could proabably easily pull whOever. XD me?

Whatever though. As long as we r together and stuff. I LOVE HIM A LOT. he said he loved me. Every time he says that it makes me so overly happy.

Maybe I'm just sappy and stuff.... whatever. I think it would be nice to be hugged by him.

Yeah I'm cheesy.

I'm sorta tired now so maybe I'm not writing the best.

I just keep thinkinf about love. Love is a muscle of evil suggestion. But how evil can it really be? I am just a human being and that is all. Everything else is applied. I am just a human being with soemthing in my heart that pulls me all over the place. Love is this strange thing because I'm fucked up and to be able to love without that fucked up part of me, without the damage... is this complicated, hard thing to do and I can NEVER tell if I'm doing it right but I know I'm DOING IT. I know I FEEL LOVE. And soemtimes it's such an intense thing like when you go to surf on a wave at the beach with ur belly but u hit it wrong and it's so big and overwhelming it washes over you and PULLS you down to the bottom and smushes your face into the sand and YOU CANT BREATHE jesus Christ it's like that.

Or maybe I just want to experience love as it should be felt.

Obviously all of my problems surrounding this Damage could be easily fixed if I went to therapy but. there are reasons I can't.

I LOVE a lot. Too much for my own good. Enough to hurt me, get me into trouble, etc etc but also... enough to liberate me. I LOVE. I love Jay. So much. LIKE. MY BRAIN ORBITS AROUND HIM CONSTANTLY THINKING OF HIM AND PRAISING HIM AND MWUAH HE IS SO LOVELY I BOW BEFORE HIM...

I think as much as I love, a lot of the times I tend to focus even more on BEING loved.

If I am told I am loved, and shOwN I am loved... it is one of the most powerful things. Especially since I was literally emotionally neglected in childhood... yeah. I feel like I'm always trying to fill that hole.

Not EVERY feeling I have is for that reaosn but sometimes, if you tell me you love me, show me you love me, hug me,... I'll like start crying,,, that's the childhood emotional neglect kicking in. If you call me #smol and #cute and say I look young and fragile which happens more often than you'd think XD, I know I'm not supposed to like that shit, so I act like I dont....but I do. Which is PROBABLY ALSO THE CEN 🤪 like whatever lol

Anwyays I'm fucked up

You see how quickly things become complicated in my mind?

Convoluted? Is that the word?

Whatever. I OVERCOMPLICATE THINGS COS I OVERTHINK THEM BECAUSE I'm LITERALLY MENTALLY ILL IN SO MANY DIFFERENT WAYS. I'm not joking. I obviously have unresolved undiagnosed "issues"

I do Suspect things, though.

I can make a list

Maybe I shouldn't.

Maybe I will.

I shouldnt.

Whatever.

I used to hate when people brought up my self harm. I would actually panic. I still self harm but now? Now I'm fine with anyone talking about it as long as it's not an adult who can get me into trouble/force me into therapy over it. Because really? I kinda like having it mentioned. It's kinda validating and it's like hey... people can see that I'm sick.

I dont do it so people talk to me about it though. Dont get me wrong. If I did, I'd go vertically on the arms, not for suicide but so it healed and people would ask XD.

My scars are actually VERY hidden... cos I never intended for ANYONE to see. But for those who DO see them,,,, it's nice soemtimes to have people express concern.

I dont wanna be PITIED or anything, but idk I just think to myself "wow, they're CONCERNED... about ME... they arent angry or mean... they didnt yell at me or threaten me... they respect my autonomy and privacy...

And they CARE ABOUT ME..." and it makes me cry.

That's also the CEN.

I dont know. I just like when people express genuine concern. Even if they see and then just ask if I'm okay. That's all it takes cos then I go wow.

Its validating and irs lovely because finally people care... FINALLY PEOPLE CARE. FINALLY I GET SOME EMPATHY OR SYMPATHY AND NO ANGER.

Even just having them brought up tells me its noticeable enough

My brain does this thing where it thinks nothing bad that's ever happened to me was Bad Enough for me to be upset about.

And I dont know... its nice sometimes to be told shit like "omg that looks so bad" or to see that people who do see my cuts are somewhat shocked or revolted... it's nice because I go... "hey, it was bad enough for them..."

Or to have people comment on them with concern. Just ANYTHINT WHERE PEOPLE NOTICE IT AND ARENT ASSHOLES ABOUT IT IS VALIDATING.

Because I'm not used to that...

Because CEN

I'm. The worst perosn on the fucking planet.

I should kill myself.

I suddenly actually feel so self hating I do want to kill myself... oh god.

I ruin everything. Everything. Everything. Everything. What have I done. Like. Why. Oh god.

I'm just remembering when Star said my kindness seemed like an act. And how I've been called out for seeming fake like 2 other times.

DO I SEEM FAKE???? I DONT EVER PUT ON ACTS OF KINDESS.... CONCIOUSLY? but the very idea that I could be perceived that way...

Should I like not try to be nice or some shit?

Jesus christ she hurts my feelings even now when it was a long time ago.

But I cant blame her. I can't blame anyone for how i feel except my parents because they left me with fucking. Heart nerve damage or some shit.

I'm tired and now I'm sad too. Goodnight guys.

#JudeJournals

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tylerwritez · 3 years

Text

7:45 p.m. Sunday June 20th

Okay well... writing about the entirety of my day is gonna be. Quite the task.

Whatever. I'm dedicated to making this blog A Thing.

Today was Father's Day, so the first thing I did was get up and go downstairs. Gave my dad his presents. He made us pancakes. (I definitely ate too much today... but tommorow is monday so itll be easier to restrict)

We are, watched youtube, then we drove to Wabuman Lake. Idk,, the drive was just that: a typical car ride in which I struggle to find "car friendly" songs, aka songs that everyone will like... aka anything but metal and vocaloid... aka Radiohead, Weezer and Soda Stereo XD

When we got there, we rented a yellow paddleboat, which is this clunky plastic boat that you pedal to move, like some weird water bicycle. It was sunny, and honestly? I've always found being on the water to be calming. After that, we got ice cream (I got Blueberry Cheesecake flavour, my sister R got Cookies N Cream, and my dad got Burgundy Cherry)

I noted that there were at least 2 historical buildings there, along with... I forgot what I was gonna say. Nothing important.

Oh yeah, lots of cool old shiny cars.

We drove back. Got home, exhausted. I cleaned a bit. Idk. Didnt do much until after supper. Since we had fast food for lunch, we only ate a piece of bread and fruit smoothies for supper. We went out, I got a monster XD even tho my parents told me not to...

I got home, took a shower. While I was in the shower my dad got pissed at me for eating some of his chocolate but HE WAS SO SO SO MAD I was thinking to myself he cant be this mad over some choclate but you never know with my parents... they kinda hate me but also dont at the same time it's weird and hard to navigate.

Anwyays when I went downstairs he just. Seemed to have forgotten it ever existed and I mean, if he didnt mention it I wasn't gonna either. I did some homework then "went to sleep" aka went to my room, turned off the light, and pretended to sleep but actually talked to people online

People keep inviting me to hang out with them and I just hope my parents say yes to it all...

My friend Bee on Tuesday, Jay on Wednesday, on Saturday a group picnic...

If they say no to any of this I'll cry /hj

My talk with Jay tonight: I want to fuck him again RIGHT NOW. GET IN MY FUCKINF BED. RIGHT NOWWWW ugh. But also I noticed that since I explained one of my tone tags to him... HE USED ONE IN CONVO WITH ME. And idk. That made me so happy? I dont know. I like how he proves consistently and constantly that he CARES about being considerate and cares about me.

That's a lot of the letter C but yeah.

And he said at some point that he missed

My body... and my shitty nerd gaming stuff and like. Omg he LIKES MY INTERESTS. I DIDNT BORE HIM TALKING ABOUT COMIC BOOKS AND VIDEO GAMES! SCORE. also he said he'd be down to cuddle without fucking which is. Great too... since I'm touchstarved and well... I call him Daddy. Nuff said.

As for Star... sometimes she just says shit that concerns me like it's nothing and I never know how to respond because I cant help her! I'm not a fucking mental health professional.

... when I told her mY shit she wasnt one either... why do I even try n help. Why dont I just tell her to go to therapy?

I'm angry at her a bit actually. She says shit like "haha just purged" and I'm like.... okay??? What do u want me to say to that.

Or like,,, I NEED TONE TAGS, OKAY??? I DO. this is mainly why I'm mad. She keeps making jokes without /j and I dont register them as jokes.... or maybe they aren't jokes at all and she just says they're jokes cos I get upset.

Sometimes instead of actually telling me how she feels, she uses this emoticon and... I dont understand what shes tryna tell me. And it keeps stressing me out. Idk. I told her look I dont understand it and she said "I'm tired of this Jude, it's a fucking emoticon" and like...

She tells me all the time no ur not overreacting dont let people tell you that you are and here she is. Telling me I'm overreacting. OUCH. THAT ACTUALLY MADE ME CRY IRL. STOP INVALIDATING MY FEELINGS PLEASE.

It actually hurt me. Like I'm fr crying right now because. Ouch. How hard is it to just put a fucking "/j" after ur words? How hard is it to... use words and explain how u feel instead of giving me a straight faced emoticon. Its frustrating.

Also she keeps saying shit like "omg ur never horny what's wrong w u omg I'm the only one with a sex drive in this relationship how come u never initiate anything I need to fuck someone maybe *sends pic of model* maybe her" which like. A) is ignoring all the times I DID initiate stuff and B) makes me feel inadequate and like. I dont know. I'm tired of feeling like I'm not enough.

:/ I cant really be mad at her for my own brain being stupid.

Why am I so stupid? How come I never understand when people are joking? How come I have these weird things I do to feel comfortable? Why do I twitch and flap my wrists? Why is my ability to sleep restricted by the amount of weight on top of me (I need lots of weight)?

Why am I the worst person ever? I'm being 100 percent serious. My brain doesnt work! It doesnt. My emotions are too strong. They fuck everything up. I hate myself. Like, when Star said "I'm tired of this Jude, it's a fucking emoticon", I started crying. But when Jay said "I always want you to feel comfortable around me", I immediately felt such love toward him and I told him I love you... but I had to say it was as friends. Cos we have a "friends with benefits" thing going on... not even an actual relationship.

Well now I'm sad that he doesnt like me romantically but whatever. Hes too perfect and sweet anywayssss he deserves better than me.

Wait. Where does that leave me?

Alone? Again?

Alone?

ALONE????

Maybe I deserve it... but I actually genuinely cant live like that. I cant. I cant live. Without love. My parents fucked me up like that 🤪

But also I realized that I'm a lot happier in good relationships where people show me they love me and care about me and such.

FUCK JAY JUST TOLD ME HOW MUCH HE LIKES ME... even if it's just as a friendship thing.... I appreciate it so much. Hes so fucking sweet it hurts. I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM SO SO MUCH. he told me, our sex can be rough but our relationship has to be built off trust and respect... LITERALLY FUCK ME RIGHT NOW.

Update we are now officially "best friends forever" but we also kiss and fuck and cuddle okay. That's a thing. I LOVE HIM. it's okay though. I don't know I said yeah let's be bffs then I physcially cringed. It's okay though. I'll be fine. It functions as a sexy romance thing anwyays.

I love him so much. Hes the best. Fucking hell. Hes the kindest person ever.

Also can Star please stop fucking with me. She said she'd stop using the emoticon and I said "thanks" and then she used a weird emoji to react to my thanks because she wanted to "acknowledge that she read my message without liking it".... oh so you dont like it??? What??? I said "okay" and she was like "yikes, you upset?" And I said idk cos I am but whatever and she USED ANOTHER SFUPID DUCKINF EMOTICON THAT I DONT UNDERSTAND WITH THE WORD OKAY OMFG. OMFG. PLEASE EXPLAIN WHAT THAT MEANDS. OH MY GODDDD. I'm angry.

Fucking hell. I just wish... whatever.

If Jay liked me ROMANTICALLY as well... perfect life.

Whatever.

My parents have fucked me up really badly. I know so. Today I saw a comic where a kid started crying while getting yelled at and their mom HUGGED THEM. Omfg. If I cry when my parents yell at me they just yell more. The best thing I can do is stay quiet. Fucking hell. Fuck. I wish I got hugged. When I was upset.

Its 1:03 am. Fuck all this emotional turmoil I'm SLEEPING. Fuck this. FUCK MY PARENTS, FUCK STAR, FUCK MOVING AND FUCK SCHOOL. And FUCK STAR.

#JudeJournals #judejournals

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tylerwritez · 3 years

Text

3:38 p.m. Wednesday June 30 2021

Song reccomendation:

Hey guys. We went to the mall again because it's too hot to go outside. I l1fted a bit but I did buy a blue and purple tie dyed tank top for summer and a Slayer shirt from the hot topic.

We had funsies, me and my friend were chatting and stuff. Not much to say.

I'm feeling sucky now cos we got lunch at the italianos store and I wanted to get Dulce De Leche because what's the point of going to the italianos if ur leaving with NO dulce de leche....?? Its so yummy. My mom said yes but my 11 YEAR OLD SISTER LIKE FLIPPED OVER THE CAN AND READ OFF THE GRAMS OF SUGAR AND CALORIES!!!!! liKE WHAT??? ITS NONE OF UR BUSINESS JESUS!!!!!! thanks for triggering my uh disordered eating... cos after that I wanted to cry and I just put the can back and remembered how fat I am and I ALMSOT HAD A BREAKDOWN IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STORE LIKE IT WAS THE WORST FEELING...

Now I'm worried about my CaLoRieS and jesus it's the worst feeling... thanks sister who is eleven and REALLY MEAN?? she literally calls me short fat and ugly all the time... I think my mom and sister make me the most insecure. My mom is always ragging on what I eat how much I eat what time I eat it's the WORST PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE???? like I'm trying. You think I don't ALREADY feel bad??? Like okay way to shame your HEALTHY BMI (bmi 22) child for... eating a sandwich for lunch? I can't even. Like YEAH IM A BIT CHUBBY BUT IT HURTS MY FEELINGS FOR Y'ALL TO POINT IT OUT COS IVE BEEN INSECURE MY WHOLE LIFE AND I JUST CAN'T EVEN. I CAN'T.

.... but we had fun at the mall. So yeah.

I think I ended up l1fting like, a choker, some masks (for covid), fake nails (for my sister), and some hair bands (since my hair is crazy in the morning and always gets in my eyes)

Also some mentos XD but I won't be eating those since I feel like shitttt thanks family ily ♡ /s no I don't

Also that stuff I was talking about being upset over the divorce? Last night? I'm better now so dw.

.... I'm ravenously hungry right nowwww but. We are going to ignore that. Because hungry is good. Itz good to be hungry it means you're on the right track and if you stay hungry long enough you DO lose weight. You just gotta stay hungry. ALSO, ALSO IM TRYING TO AVOID BLOATING because if I bloat then I get insecure with no top on,,, and it's hot out, so what I wanna do is keep my tummy flat ALL DAY so I can wear like just my sports bra or smthn... i hate saying that I'm wearing a bra but like thAt's what it is if I called it anything else I'd confuse you.

If you're on this blog for the first time,,, I'm MALE, so like don't just assume I'm a girl.

I feel like I dont pass enough but also I dont really mind? Like people keep calling me a girl but I dont see it? I personally dont think I look feminine??

.... I guess when I'm naked... JAY.

and when I dont bind, and my voice, but that's about it.

Also uhm. I'm kinda a kleptomaniac. I'm gonna check the diagnostic criteria for that because... I sorta l1ft every time I go out. Even if I dont NEED anything. It's not a problem, since I'm not getting caught, but it's still a CRIME and I should try and slow it down a bit.

At least I'm not HAULING as much as I used to.... I would FILL my mfing backpack, bro. I would go nuts. So I gotta try n be more careful so I don't get caught. I take too many risks... sex!!!!, theivery!!!!, and light drugs.

But isnt that what being 15 is about? Idk. I'll post pics of what I l1fted to my l1fting blog after I remove the metadata/exit data (location data) so I don't get doxxed...

Also I dont know if I told yall this but I might get contact lenses :) I think glasses make me look ugly so i dont wanna wear em. Also i hate having em on my face all the time it's just plain annoying.

4:18 p.m. update: okay so we're going home.

My mom is being kinda annoying shes like mocking me... Whateverrrrrrrrr idc. Jay is at his friends house rn, Eden is busy and Erin proabably won't come if Eden doesn't come so I guess I'm resigned to biking alone tonight.... probabaly after I pack all my shit of course.

11:20 a.m. update:

I didn't end up going biking... we took the bottles to the bottle depot, I got 20 bucks, and so did my sister even though she didnt even come :P

I got home and just went online. I was scouring Encyclopedia Metallum for any good active local metal bands that I could potentially see live in a concert in my city!

I ate okay today, kinda ate more than I intended to before I slept because I was so hungry :| willpower 0 (zero)

Anyways I ate to maintain today :/ which is okay I guess.

I'm a bit upset since my dad was crying about the divorce and like I tried to comfort him and said it's okay to cry and stuff but... MAN THATS PAINFUL.... and like... shouldnt it be the other way around? I hate this. I hate everyone feeling bad. And I hate having to be so grown up.

Oh well... I was always the hound of hell, not the lamb of god.

4:15 a.m. update

Everyone wants to hang out with me XD so I gotta ask about that

Roadtrip soon.

Idk, not much to say.

I'm uh, listening to MUSIC right now. I love music and I wanna play bass again. I also feel very insecure and want to cut my junk off so that's fun.

Goodnight ig

#Spotify #JudeJournals #judejournals #jude shepard

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tylerwritez · 3 years

Text

Monday June 28

Morning update:

Oh my god.

I was packing my stuff for the big move after my parents divorce and I found an old prayer thingy.

It said:

"Dear Jesus,

Thank you for the music and the trees and my friends and family, and for the time to really look around the world with colorful skies that are so beautiful, the whole world is beautful and in balance and natural and that is how I'm gonna be. I dont want this to be a temporary, spur of the moment thing. I understand now. I realize that it's not the world that's ugly, but the sin that plagues it. I understand what He wants now. I'm sorry, God. I'm sorry, Jesus. I know I'll go to hell no matter what I do but I might as well try to live a holy life.

I understand.

But then, why all these STRONG feeling? Please, you gotta help me through that.

He made us to serve him. I understand that. Give me the strength to serve you, please. I'm so weak.

Sincerely,

Jude"

I felt so angry cos of it. Once I saw all that shit about "serving Him" I immediately ripped it up in RAGE, just blind rage.

I was just a fuCKING CHILD. HOW COULD THEY DO THAT TO ME???

8:50 p.m. update: HOLY SHIT OUCH ON MY WAY HOME I HIT A SIGNPOST COS I WASNT PAYING ATTENTION AND IT RAMMED THE HANDLEBAR OF MY BIKE RIGHT INTO MY DICK JESUS CHRIST IT HURTS GODDAMN

12:38 a.m. update:

Okay so you maybe noticed that today's entries arent really organized and that's cos I've been BUSYyyy

I'm gonna add Litten the pokemon to my kinlist also Piplup

Anyways today I went out with my friends. My dad was mad at me cos my room was all messy cos I'M PACKING MY STUFF TO MOVE?? idk what he expected my room to look like. So anwyays I left the house, me and Erin and Elle, who I'll now be calling Eden because its weird to keep using Elle for reaosns I wont describe...me and Erin and Elle went to the library and I checked out some mangas. I checked out volumes 1-2 of , , and volume 1 of

Then we went to Safeway cos it was too hot to be outside and it was another place with free A/C that was nearby. I stole some Stevia and probably other stuff that I can't recall right now.

We ate sugar cookies (those nice crumbly processed ones with icing on top) at the park, then I went home for supper.

After that i met them at the park and we biked to this Ravine area with like trees and water and a bridge and shit and we were looking for Hagstones which are rocks in the water that get holes worn into them. It's for protection from Jordan's hexes.

We found loads of nasty bugs... but no hagstones. Also the thornbushes scratched up my legs, the bugs bit me up, and the water was sorta nasty and I went on hands and knees in it looking for those rocks XD.

I had fun but it was quite uncomfortable with all the HEAT and bugs.

I got home then and idk not much happened.

I've been eating fruit instead of my usual snack foods and i think its helpful.

1:06 a.m. update:

... I feel like I'm going to cry.

I saw a post about families and now I'm upset because I... I see this shit and I feel like I'm 10 or younger even... all over again. It all comes back to me. The reason I cry at night so often... the reaosn I cant tell reality from shit my brain made up. The reaosn i need therapy and the reason i feel so TORTURED AND IN PAIN...

All I ever needed as a child was love and support and I didnt fucking get that so now any posts about happy families make me feel sad. Especially if they have a kid who is "difficult" in some way... like how I was... who still gets treated well.

Fuck man. I wasnt difficult, I had emotions. I wasnt difficult, I needed extra help. I wasnt difficult, I was trans.

I WASNT DIFFICULT... I DIDNT DESERVE TO BE ABANDONED THE WAY I WAS. holy shit. I was just a child like any other. Literally all I needed was love and support.

Fuck my parents. Now I feel like I've missed out on like... a whole childhood... as myself. Instead I spent it being who you wanted me to be to avoid your wrath.

I'm so sad.

And its cos you saw a fucking child telling you he was in pain and punished him.

I was so young.

Jay keeps misgendering me... he just referred to me as my father's daughter. OH MY GOD... I GET IT! I UNDERSTAND! I GET IT. I DON'T PASS. I GET IT, I LOOK LIKE A GIRL... I GET IT, YOU'VE SEEN ME NAKED. I UNDERSTAND.... I understand that your mind doesn't see me as male... but please. PleAse make some fucking effort. please. cos it actually hurts me to be misgendered cis people could never understand. Fuck man, cis people could never undertsand the shit we go through and I feel upset now because no matter how well intentioned he is... he just doesnt seem to Get It.... or like..I DONT KNOW! IS HE EVEN TRYING?

Like. No matter what I look like, I'm still a guy. I'm no ones daughter.

Sorry. I know I'm being rude about this and I should have more patience.

I'm just sort of upset. Why can't he see me?

Fuck man, NOBODY can see me. I'll never be seen. Cos this isn't fucking me but it never will be.

I hate this. So much. I want to RIP OFF ALL MY FLESH. WHY HAVE I GOTTA BE BORN THIS WAY HOLY FUCK HOLY SHIT WHY CAN'T I JUST BE FUCKING NORMAL GODDAMN IT I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS FUCK GOD I HATE GOD FUCK GOD ILL KILL GOD IF I EVER FLOAT UP TO HEAVEN IM GOING TO LITERSLLY FUCKING KILL GOD ILL CLAW MY WAY UP FROM HELL TO KILL THAT MOTHERFUCKER FOR DOING THIS TO ME

LIKE HOLY SHIT MY CHEST??? HAS JUST GOT THIS STUFF ON IT AND ITS MAKINF ME SO UNCOMFORTABLE I WANT TO PERFORM SURGERY ON MY OWN SELF.

3:30 a.m. update:

Oh btw one of my friends says their friend had a crush on me in junior high 👀

Idk man its fukcing 3 30 I'm just on my phone. Soon l get off, piss and sleep.

Total calorie intake today was 979 cals.

Goodnight

#JudeJournals

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tylerwritez · 3 years

Text

9:17 Sunday June 27

I almsot forgot to write today XD

I'm walking home from the park right now lol.

Me and my friends Erin and Elle and a few others (Iris, Rachel, Sage, Jordan, Sam)

These are all fake names or not legal names or names that I dont think could lead to their identity being found out, DUH, to protect my friends cos I wouldnt feel okay exposing them like this lol.

We played games and had fun!!!

Basically my besties that go WAY back are Erin and Sam. I also know sage and jordan from a long time ago but not as well/favorably?

Elle is so bestie we are basically brother and sister.

Iris and Rachel are Erin's new friends from their new school and we just met them today.

Theres some drama... basically Jordan has always been sorta sucky. She is super attention seeking and constantly feels the need to divert attention to her. She never stops mentioning her boyfriend and brags about having like 20 hour discord calls with him and how he sends her anal toys like dude. Nobody asked, she just randomly brings it up. Also she hexed a girl really badly over petty boy drama and actually ended up hurting her... it's a thing. Also she keeps talking about Erin on twitter behind their back.... she romanticizes mental illness and tries to use it to get what she wants like "poor me I'm depwessed and its ur fault!" She legit blamed it on Erin cos shes jealous...

Overall I cant explain any of this well but shes toxic and if you met her you would know.

She feels the need to keep eyes on her, to flex multiple relationships... to feel external validation. But WOW ITS ANNOYING PLS TALK TO UR THERAPIST.

If you try n tell her u feel bad and need support she will always redirect it back to her own suffering and stuff. Its sucky and annoying. She also kept bringing up our past relationship WITH EVERYONE ELSE THERE and it made me a bit uncomfy because I dont want these new people to think that Jordyn was the extent of my... sexual exploration... COS IT WASNT.

Also I ATE SO MUCH AT THAT PICNIC my tummy hurts and I'm bloated and I feel So So ugly I'm actually very upset about it...

I feel like I've been relying on not bringing a lunch to school and therefore not having access to food... to not binge. And now? I binge a lot more.

Diet plan for the following week

Breakfast nothing/coffee

Lunch smoothie blended with water/nothing/egg, "I ate lots yesterday" "I had a big breakfast" "I'm not that hungry"

Dinner: whatever my parents make, small portions, no dessert

Snack: water, monster, diet soda

I'll count my cals every day and post them

I'm too fucking fat. My legs are fat. My stomach is fat!!! I need to lose weight or I'll kill myself.

Also my mom found an old copy of the bible that I tore up and spit on and ripped up in a fit of rage and she refuses to throw it out despite the fact that its torn up and the pages are cakes in like spit and tears and blood because "its sacred" like Omfg wow. Christians 🤦🏻‍♂️

1:34 a.m. update:

I've just been talking to my friend and to Jay.

Sleeping now tho... I'm too tired n it's too hot

#judejournals #JudeJournals

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tylerwritez · 3 years

Text

Friday June 25 2021

12:33 p.m.

Today was missed assessment day so they wouldn't even let me into the building ...

Me n Star went out walking, first to the dollar store, and I l1fted a black nail polish, a new knife, 5 sparklers, and two metallic sharpies, yes, for mild acts of vandalism, but also to fix my Jeans. I wrote "lucky you" on the inside of the zipper and it came off in the wash lol, so I'm redoing it for Jay to see and maybe laugh, cos it's funny.

We sat in the grass, lit some sparklers, drank diet soda and just Talked.

I told her about how I'd cheated... we broke up last night lol. And ever since we have, it's like the air between us has been cleared.

I told her and I was surprised to see that she wasnt hurt or really upset at all.

She listened intently and asked for the details like how your best friend would. I'm happy she isnt hurt.

This is cos she was kinda already over me and... she had also found someone else. They only did Online stuff so far, his name is Kevin lol. So now we are back to friends, and nothing has been ruined and no one has been hurt, which I take as further evidence that I'm a living breathing good luck charm xD

She likes to pick up cigarette butts from the ground and smoke em with her lighter XD. We saw some cute birds and fed them bread, but while we were... birdwatching??? I found GOLD.

Look, as far as drugs goes, I'm a fresh faced newborn baby. I've only ever vaped... and had a weed tea on accident that did nothing.

But I found gold. A CIGAR butt... not a cigarette! And by "butt", I mean around HALF! half a chunky cigar on the ground.

I picked it up like, i think i found a cigar butt and she was like omg THATS epic. Her lighter was shit so we got another one and after trying to get it to light like 247466280203939646739292020 times,

We succeeded.

The cigar had been LIT. She shared it with me since I found it and also since a cigar is soemthing special.

A cigarette? Cool.

A CIGAR? the father of all tobacco.

I sorta felt like a mafia dilf mob boss or something smoking it xD, it was spicy, and WEIRDLY SWEET, which Star told me is uncharacteristic of cigars... mustve been a special flavoured one.

It was good XD, I admit it, I'm lame and I know nicotine is so last year, but it was nice, and for like an hour afterward I could taste the sweetness on my lips.

I thoguht about what it would be like to kiss soemone... jay, after that. Would he taste it too? XD

I just had lunch alone in a field in the shade cos its HOT out and now I'm drawing again. I'll head home sOON.

Update: 11:09 p.m.

I just got home XD, brushed my teeth and am currently in bed wishing jay would dm me back faster :( I miss him.

I went out biking with Elle and Erin, since it's summer we can do whatever. We went to a park, joked around from 6:30 to 9:00! Without realizing the time, then got slurpees and went to AJM park to sit in the sunset and talk in that calm peaceful way.

I'm happy to have hung out with MY BESTIESSSS

Now I'm just exhausted XD, I should sleep.

Also apparently condoms expire so i have to check the ones I stole for their expiry date lol, also they're ultra thin... I hope that doesn't mean less durable/more likely to break...

Cos I wanna fuck him, I think about him all the time...

When I told my friends about it they were kinda put off by our age difference but ITS IT'S ONLY 3 YEARS? We met in the SAME CLASS? 18 isnt some magic number where all of a sudden you're a fully grown adult... smh.

Also it's legal, I checked: https://myhealth.alberta.ca/Alberta/Pages/understanding-consent-for-sex.aspx

And I only checked cos they were like UR BEING GROOMED OMG IAN and I think they're just scared cos I HAVE been groomed in the past but... that was a 37ish year old man like... I dont think 3 years age difference is comparable to soemone twice my age 🕺🏻

And I love him and I trust him and I feel comfortable with him.

So anyways. I wanna fuck him.

I'm lowkey dick drunk ever since I went over to his house...

There's just something about his cock that is so fucking sexually attractive like... especially when it gets all hard didhwkwnd I'm sitll thinking of making out with him and grinding on his hard dick and duajkdhkdhkdnt r nf I need to fuck him I lust for his body and I lust to feel his dick stiffen and swell in my mouth...

The CUM..dm,.z.,.z ,owgue0ueiu2

I'm so horny just thinking about HIM. He has a certain demeanor that just. Ugh. FUCK ME. FUCK ME PLEASE.

#jude shepard #Jude Journals #JudeJournals #judejournals

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tylerwritez · 3 years

Text

Okay so today is Thursday June 24 2021

Its 10:59 a.m.

I asked my parents in the morning and they said I could go to Jacob's but they were very adamant about him coming to MY house instead... I told them no, we planned it this way XD idk what they think is up but they definently think something's up.

Hey, at least they said yes! Now we can watch that scary movie (insidious)... I can only hope that afterward he doesn't torment me with a fucking adam Sandler movie /hj

I finished my final exam at like 9:45 so I just went outside, found a spot in the sun and I'm drawing and listening to music and WOAH the combination of the heat threating to kill me plus the music... okay maybe just the heat, but I'm sorta reminded of being in spain.

This would be a cool day for spain tho xD, cos they can go up to like plus 40 some Celcius and right now itd proabably high twenties... idk it could be low twenties and I'm just sitting in DIRECT FUCKING SUNLIGHT like an idiot but I LIKE the sun. I think it's good for life. Think about it: you know how plants like the sun right? And dogs will always choose a sunny place to lay before they choose a shady place, despite their coats of fur?

The sun is good for living things, mostly, I think.

At least, I feel happier with it there.

Enough about my decision to overheat and die on purpose.

I'm out here drawing lil cartoons of my friends haha, I did a page of me and Jay and I'm doing one or two pages of me and Elle and Erin.

I wont bother using fake names for them but, elle is a nickname and Erin isn't their legal name so, I dont think I can get them doxxed lol. Since y'all dont know, Elle and Erin are like my besties since Junior high (I'm in high school now) so that's a long time.

Jeez it's hot.

This reminds me of a book I read about this dude who was called the "eco killer" who would kidnap women from bars and then leave them in deserted areas to die of exposure and leave notes and shit... he would say, "clock ticking, planet dying... heat kills"

So I guess it can go both ways xD

Also that dudes dad or mom or brother or some shit like that dies in a fire in that book, or like, he had an abusive dad and lit his house on fire? Idk. But the biggest twist of that book, it's called The Killing hour, is that the killer was this dude you thought was good all along. I love that shit. I eat up book betrayals even if I see em coming. It's fun stuff.

I'm gonna give yall Say It ain't so by weezer, de musica ligera by soda stereo, and decollage by theivery corporation today.

I thought my coffee would be cold by now... but it's in a metal container and the sun is heating up the metal and keeping it hot, maybe hotter than it was when I brewed it this morning. I take it black, not cos I'm edgy but because it just tastes better like that and like... what's the point of having a zero calorie appetite suppressing diuretic if you're gonna add calories to it. What. Why. Why would you have a 20 cal drink when you can have a 0 cal drink. I'll never understand.

Idk, I'm kinda scared of liquid calories XD... I have weird eating habits because I'll freak out over like. A subway sandwich or a non diet soda, But I'll binge later on like candy and just be fine with that.

Overall though I hate liquid calories cos it's a LIQUID why should I waste calories on a drink.

I started a binge cycle (I was losing a lot of blood so that might be why) but dude. I gotta break that and go back to normal before I gain.

Whateverrrr

OMG YES WIND!!! FINALLY SOME FUCKING COOL BREEZE OVER HERE JESUS ITS LIKE A DESERT LIKE A REAL SUNNY FUCKING DESERT THANK GOD FOR WIND

Okay so update it's now 12:16 p.m. and I just had lunch with Star and by lunch I mean I drank a coffee XD

I'm at my class now, painting the finishing touches to my final project.

It was a little awkward to talk to her because we were mostly silent but I can tell that this can be rebuilt.

I feel bad though because I've already tore it all down without saying a word yet. And like, obviously I'm GONNA tell her. I have to. But like... how the fuck do you just tell soemone that? "Oh, hey, by the way, I cheated on you"

Like?

What difference does it make the Smith's

I dont really understand. Like. I KNOW THIS IS ALL MY FAULT OKAY? I know I did a bad thing. I'm aware I'm a bad person. Bad jude.

But like. You gotta admit it's a hard situation. I dont expect your sympathy, or anyone's, for that matter. Hate me if you will. I deserve it, I KNOW. But damn, it's really hitting me now that I gotta TELL HER, probably break her heart and make her hate me forever. I deserve it, I brought this upon myself, but I still feel bad.

Update now its 12:48 and I tried to talk to her a bit over text but shes being fucking mean... what's the point in trying anymore hoenslty. We're breaking up soon.

She posted on her story a dm from soemone with no other context saying "god ur hot, u made me horny" so shes cheating on me too so like. Should I even feel bad. No.

And also update she asked if I would hang out with her/if I had plans and I said I made plans COS I DID and she was like "ok have fun," and at first I thought it was sincere but now I realize that SHE WAS BEING SARCASTIC. so yeah.

Not that I even care that much anymore tbh. I tore this apart some time ago.

I finally finished my final project.

Idk if its my best work but I had 1 class left to finish and hand it in and

Its 3:22 p.m. and in like 10 minutes dad is driving me to Jay's houseeee and I'm eXCITED

Update its 7:08 p.m. I JUST GOT BACK FROM JAY'S and ate a burger at my house lol

(Its so weird to use fake names but I just wanna protect ppl yknow? From the scary internet with scary doxxers and such)

Anwyays... we didn't really end up paying much attention to the movie....

I'm honestly REALLY HAPPY.

Honest. I think this time when I sucked his dick, it was better. Experience helps XD, like I started angling my throat differently so I didn't choke as much and I honeslty enjoyed it and hE CAME IN MY MOUTH AND I SWALLOWED IT...

VAKXMAIDHWPDWK I think I'm gonna die because like I actually liked that a lot.

HE ALSO SAID I DID GOOD THIS TIME so I'm happy and honeslty I think soon I might be ready for. Actual sex as in penetration. I stole some of my dads condoms JUST IN CASE. just in case. I dont wanna rush it but... just in case.

Cos JESUS. JAY IS HOT.

... I want to taste his cum again GaHHHH!

We kiss and he gets hard right away diwotjoejwo and we sorta cuddled a bit but we were both horny so. That didn't last long...

I love when he uses his mouth on me... it's very good.

I WANT HIM TO STICK IT IN ME!!! JESUSSS!!!

I'm a lil nervous cos I know itll hurt but. I want it.

If anyone takes my virginity I want it to be him.

He can play guitar really well and then we played video games for a bit which was fun haha for the record he's way better than me at all the games but I got the hang of it.

Then we were kissing and i was grinding on his hard dick and GODDAMNIT FUCK ME FUCK ME FUCK MEEEE

Also HE CAN PICK ME UP WITH EASE??? We checked omg and I was like am I heavy and hes like actually no? Like woah when we sit or lay down the size difference isnt huge but its sorta a shock when we get up XD because I'm 5ft 3 and hes 6 ft 2 I'm pretty sure which is crazy nuts XD like he literally picked me up and sat me on his kitchen counter to kiss before I left...

I STILL RMEBEER HOW HIS CUM TASTED IT WAS AT THE VERY BACK OF MY THROAT SO I HAD TO PAY ATTENTION TO GET TASTE FROM IT BUT MMMEKODJ2O ITS KINDA SALTY LOL BUT I WANT MORE OF IT... wow his advice rings true. Sex isnt about tryna make ur partner cum as soon as possible. It's about like. Enjoying urself and shit. and you shouldnt push urself or hurt urself yk? You dont need to go deep every time and destroy ur throat xD

Plus all I needed to do was CHANGE THE ANGLE IT HIT MY THROAT AT WOW. IM AN IDIOT... it's okay though.

Practice makes perfect.

Also since me and Star broke up now things are so much less stressful it's like we got past this blockage and now we can just be chill friends and it's so much less stressful wOw.

Now I dont feel bad at all cos it's not cheating cos I'm. Not with her anymore.

And I mean. Jay is something else. Have yall seen his PRETTY FUCKING FACE. JESUS CHEIST. Have yall seen his eyes. They're like fucking greenish and soqpsoosn idk I love staring at his eyes and I love when he does that dumb stupid fucking smile like. I LOVE HIM AND I LEFISLXKPK2OSPQOZ Q. am in love.

Hes so sweet and charming and caring and I actuallysoslahzuskxmwekpf epfn2r9gweuxhw9gue. Theres no way to describe how obsessed I am with him.

His face, his demeanor, his touch... his TOUCH...

he can literally pick me up :,)

Signing off early sicne its 3:05 am and I'm tired,

Jude Shepard (happier than ever)

#Spotify #JudeJournals #judejournals #jude shepard #tumblr diary

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