#im not gonna talk about this anymore its not real

[harvestmoth]

sorry

#wouldve drawn it but when i tried i couldnt. didnt feel like it #anyways haha discord au im so original. sorry #i dont really use discord though and ive never been in or talked in any big servers with like. actual mods and stuff #that being said ive been plagued by this au idea since 9 this morning im so mad that im actually thinking about it seriously #its sucks and i hate it. i already have a general kind of plot idea for it. #im not gonna talk about this anymore its not real #sorry im done. have a kind of ashkuyo for the first time in like a while i think #they haven’t really been in my brain in a while i hate that this is what brings them back #ashkuyo

[ouchhq]

>:(

#i need to vent a little im sorry pls ignore this if u are bothered by my thoughts #SH tw !!!!!! #this morning i was supposed to have my weekly therapy session but i had to cancel bc my mom got covid and obviously stayed home from work #and i do online therapy and i didnt feel comfortable doing it with my mom around but i really needed to do it tbh #and then my professor replied to my email with all of the things ive been working on since august and didnt say anything about the material #he just asked to call me on the phone tomorrow and i started to spiral…. like Spiral with a capital s #even now thinking about it my stomach sinks bc i have this feeling that his feedback is going to be negative and i just know my #barely existent self esteem is going to break and idk what im gonna do with myself then #this afternoon while i was spiraling all i wanted to do was /hurt/ myself. i kept thinking that i wasnt good enough and i had done a #horrible job.. so bad that he couldnt even tell me by email but needed to do it on the phone and i felt like throwing up and i couldnt get #/​that/ thought out of my head and i could only cry #and all of this not even actually knowing what my professors feed back is going to be because this is just all in my head #but i was talking to my school friends and they were like oh its gonna be fine even if he doesnt like it u can still put the project in ur #portfolio hes not even our professor anymore and so on #and i kept saying that i knew that but i just could not handle that sort of feedback and rejection mentally #i was telling them that i knew i would crumble if i got real negative feedback and i was terrified of that and they just couldnt get it and #idk it made me feel really lonely #im a bit calmer now but i feel so depressed #i am really anticipating something that will hurt really bad

[kkoct-ik]

i can def relate to having an abusive mother, the worst part is that people always assume mothers to be good people. thankfully my dad and mother don't live together so i chose to stay with my dad permanently but my dad's girlfriend is constantly talking about how i should make up with my mother because "you only get one mom" and she completely ignores me when i try to talk about how abusive my mother was

yeah. ugh. sorry about your situation anon. it sucks and im sending sympathies

#ask #i just dunno what to do with myself #as if complex trauma isnt enough im now dealing with a lot of complicated situations regarding what to do now #i dont live there anymore. but my siblings do. hi guys i have 4 younger siblings #and me as much as everybody else just wishes there was a nice family to help us develop stable and normal #so im doing my damn best. im trying to stay in contact with the kids. im hoping they have a better support system than i did #but family policy means the teens get no texting privacy no internet time. so as if i can fucking stay in touch and look out for them anywa #i dont think i can do anything. it feels inevitable that every kid is gonna get completely fractured like me #and the only other alternative risks making it worse and uncomfortable when its none of my business anymore #(taking up my therapist on calling cps. lol) #i cant talk about it with my siblings (no real access to them) and it makes me insane #i cant talk to my dad because he has enough shit and i dont want to drive the family to pieces #i cant talk to my mum because she has a habit of abusing the kids and then telling them its because *I* made her mad; blame me #what am i meant to do #as if the past isnt a lot to process right now. im also dealing with the present that this is probably ongoing and theres fuck all i can do #sorry for venting. im in hell. im trying to be normal and failing spectacularly #abuse #domestic abuse #for cw #i wish i didnt have to worry. i wish this was never a problem in the first place

[pinkseas]

girl help i started thinking Too Much about the fic avert your eyes

#im doomspiraling #or w/e the fuck youd call it #it feels Boring and mediocre and like none of the plot is actually captivating #its not mysterious or weird it just feels predictable #half of the scenes are repeating themselves its just the same stupid shit #its Flat theres no real emotion no stakes nothing youre waiting for its just. something you skim over and click away from #ugh. UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH #i dont do this too often anymore but the further i get into the fic the worse its gonna get #because ill be rereading my own shit over and over and itll feel less impactful and more predictable #and then its So Hard To Tell whats GENUINELY bad and what im just bitching about #im going to explode #watch me spend months talking about this and writing it and then i FINALLY have it done and its just. neutral face emoji through and through #<- too braindead to find the right words to describe how im Feeling and the emotion or lack of such the fic will invoke #god help me fr #ughgghhgghghhghgghghghhhgghghghghgh #itd also be So Much Easier if i didnt have that whole Thing with lying and constantly assuming ppl r lying to spare my feelings :sob: #like i could trust someone to the moon and back but if they read it over and liked it my brain would just. #'theyre lying its awful its so bad theyre embarrassed for you and they dont even know where to start which is why theyre lying abt it' #'its so fucking indescribably awful and no one will ever tell you and youll live in ignorance of the fact' #like girl. GIRL. #GET A GRIP !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #ive gotten soooooo much better with so much of my shit but that one has persisted through so much #gonna try talking to my therapist about it in a couple days bc its Been a problem #like fr my writing will get complimented and i jump instantly to 'theyre lying and it sucks' GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!! #i am Not Special Enough that people would go THAT far out of their way to lie to my face and make me feel better #<- exact same thought i had last time when a bunch of ppl spent months lying to my face to spare my feelings abt Really Important Things #praying that no one reads this far down the tags and if u have ermmmmm dorry im having a hashtag girl moment u know how it is #ill delete this in the morning when i am Sane again

[slutdge]

#state of my mental health rn #i gotta keep it real with yall!!!! im tired of grieving and being abused and wanting to die all the time in isolation #i really cant articukate it anymore lmao i am completely hopeless and on my own at this point #i feel like theres nothing left i can do #i know all i do is bitch and complain go away then im not holding a gun to your head lmao #i feel like my bodies just gonna fucking explode lmao #im too tired to find the words that really give it justice how much i wish i was dead anymore #its too much all the time lmao!!!! im tired its too much and im a pussy i cant take it!!!!! #and i dont think im crazy for being this tired given the circumstances #i talk about how bad and unsafe im feeling and im a manipulator #i internalize it all and feel like i dont deserve it and should be treated better and with urgency of my situation and im a narcissist #i cant win with emotions i cant win with other people like. my entire life is a series of games i cant win #i feel guilty because of everything so does it really even matter lmao #ill never feel absolved

[pyrodigy]

#vent #negative #i think im gonna unprivate my older posts (since i never really bounced back from that reboot anyway) and step away #so if i dont come back i'll at least leave the good stuff behind #im sorry #i do want to specify this is not aimed at anyone in particular. i dont think theres anyone purposely shunning me specifically #its just the general dynamic of (genshin ?) tumblr rp. its not it anymore #ive run out of ideas to try and make it 'it' again #and im sorry to those who engaged and made it worth trying #please do say hi on discord if you want. like i said i still love writing and talking about muses #i dont think that passion is ever going away #im just not sure tumblr is the right place for it anymore and i need a break to figure that out #a real break. one where i just stopping logging on altogether #instead of checking my dash daily and lamenting that i cant do as much as id like #sorry again #but if this is it. thank you for having been a part of it #i'll cherish the memories and interactions dearly no matter what

[lemondoddle]

the pure gut-wrenching dread of a straight guy texting you

#lane speaks #this fuckin like im pretty sure he's 17? boy i work with who like #ive talked to him like three times and the first was a real uncomfy discussion with him against me and two other people #on like 'so why dont you like trump' #and then he made a joke of like 'im white but you cant say that anymore' and i called him out #and then today out of nowhere he asked me abt my gender identity and was like. very genuinely curious and surprisingly respcectful #to a degree????? and then he asked for my insta and i SHOULDN HAVE GIVEN IT but i was so thrown off guard that i did #and now hes sending shit like 'i wanna know the REAL you how about a q&a' #jesus christ #i stopped responding and im just gonna hope and pray he moves to another poor soul soon #ugh i forgot what its like to fear that every message is one step closer to something real inappropriate

[todayisafridaynight]

YEAH NO TONBI GOT HANDS.......... my timing on suggesting it may be Questionable but I AM very glad it holds up as a movie :] hopefully the interview and We Make Antiques are fun diversions! But also take it easy <3 can confirm Nakai is Pretty Moe in both though <3 And I WILL harass you about Masato's VA next week...

TBF YOU SUGGESTED IT A WEEK OR SO AGO twas on me for taking a while to get to it... nevertheless i did really enjoy it thank you..... AND YAYA IM SO STOKED TO WATCH THE FULL INTERVIEW AND WMA2 THANK YOU SO MUCH AGAIN ☆*: .｡. o(≧▽≦)o .｡.:*☆!!!!!

esp cant wait to hear about masato's VA in the future.. 👁️👁️

#snap chats #LISTEN i think we all just have to accept at this point any time there's a story about a doting father or fts a doting father #i will cry like its unavoidable. so whether my life's falling apart that week or everything's fine #There Will Be No Difference In How Much I Cry ☠️☠️ im just built terribly what can i say it makes for GREAT inspo tho #tonbi WAS real cute tho and i did enjoy it a lot Because yasu did remind me of my dad a lot #very lucky to say my dad's never slapped me or thrown water in my face tho so LMAO BUT FOR THE MOST PART Yeah... #in a way it weirdly felt like watching an AU of my life. if i may sound insane. listen i already said the kid's name had me twisted LISTEN #fr tho cause ive always wondered what my life wouldve been like if i was able to be raised by my dad instead #im gonna make myself start crying if i get too deep into it LMAO NEEDLESS TO SAY i really enjoyed the movie :) #EVIL that they really did let us see akira get married and now yasu gotta give a speech and If He IS Anything Like My Dad #i know damn well he was winging it and didn't prep a script and I Will Start Crying if i think back to my sis's wedding #STILL MAD THAT THE ONE TIME I HAD TO PISS WAS RIGHT BEFORE HIS SPEECH BUT WHATEVER MOVING ON #said i wasnt gonna talk bout the movie/my dad anymore lest i make myself UPSET yet here i am... always saying more when i shouldnt ☠️ #but yeah... i have ONE (1) more comm this week Lest Someone Wants To Snipe A Spot IDK #SO im gon do that :] #and im kinda tired rn... but the uncertainty of how much time i have nowadays urges me to work on it a bit #i dont THINK it should take super long but it IS a full-rendered piece so.... it will take time needless to say #n e way not to sound insane but nakai is An Endearing Chap. is the most sane way i can put it #i mentioned it durin a stream but somethin bout him just naturally exudes cute... idk... im delirious probably ANYWAY BYE FR NOW #CANNOT WAIT for next week to be harassed 🥰🥰

[peejsocks]

I now must know the aesthetic

oh its just the popular impeccable glamorous party girl aesthetic

#it has infested all my friends and im so sick of it #i mean like expensive clothing on point make up exclusive hang out spots (clubs and restaurants) #a constant need to reaffirm to oneself and others that you have access to ‘finer’ things idk. that real ‘exclusive’ shit you know? #and there’s a huge concern of ‘other ppl need to know we have fun’ #idk how present this is for everyone else but its all i see on ig/twitter (which is why i dont have ig anymore) #and the people they ‘look up to’ or like the most are other ppl who fit into this aesthetic too #i love my friends but when i hang out with Their friends too it feels like it’s just about taking pictures and looking perfect. #not a single thing is out of place. it feels alienating and dishonest as fuck and its v uncomfortable idk #maybe im just unhappy but idk like i just dont have fun hanging out anymore. it feels like theres a pressure to look ‘cool’ #and in reality most of the time its just very fucking boring #there’s a party i really want to go to next week but its the company that’s bothering me lmao ik its not gonna be carefree #i promise its not a pick me thing i am the biggest supporter of my friends feeling hot and confident bc they truly are fucking gorgeous #i always mention to ppl how ny friends are all pretty lol #but its just . they all have a LOT more than just that except when we go out its like none of that matters and its all about Looking #Interesting and Unapproachable #like there’s such a big concern of looking like you have fun that most of the time is spent crafting perfect pictures than actually fucking #doing something. anything. lmao. #dont get me wrong i LOVE dressing up and feeling good about my looks but its maybe 30% of the fun for me. or should be anyways #im just like we dont even LAUGH people what the fuck did we leave our houses for ?? stand around and try to look attractive to strangers ?? #and talk shit about those strangers ??? #its like when we hang out its not about us its 100% about others #like i said i love my friends theres a lot more to then than that but i dont feel like hanging out anymore in certain scenarios bc of this #and its shit bc i want to go out and party too but like damn u motherfuckers are BORING obsessing over this shit. #all these people feel like fucking robots and its boring as shit #now whenever i want to have fun (in the partying sense) idk who to go to #thats all i mean when i say i want the jackas teenage dirtbag aesthetic back. i just want to be able to hang out in shitty cheap places and #dress however i want to or put as little effort into my looks and have ACTUAL fun. live a little jfc #and i feel ??? why am i even here then ??? #sorry about venting its just been bothering me for months now #not jackass

[meringuejellyfish]

the funtimes feel to be inspired by rolfe dewolfe. you know of a rock-afire explosion fame. with foxy having the personality and freddy having the puppet and uhhh yeah. thats my fnaf observation of the day

#watching a documentary and thinking about animatronics ... #i dunno how much real world animatronic inspiration there actually was in fnaf though #sister location is funny because theyre not even animatronics anymore those are straight up just robots #which is a character design choice that saw through to security breach #but to be fair. fnaf character design never really intended to be too true to actual animatronics #its fnaf its not gonna be realistic. i dont mind this honestly like. i dunno it just has its own idea of an animatronic #the concept of a springlock suit is still really funny to me though. hello #if i make my own thing about animatronics id pull from actual animatronics but also just do whatever i think is cool. you know #i like when people draw fnafs but with wrinkly face plates and like clothing and stuff. #i have my own redesigns in my head but its also like. well if you stick to face plates then that kind of #makes it hard to bite things. taking away a major aspect of i dunno fnaf ''''lore'''' i guess #with fnaf animatronics the whole thing is (atleast in the first game) pulling from the essence of what about animatronics frightens people #and then just. making it so they have jaws that could actually bite and leaving huge spaces in the eye holes and making the joints visible #not like. what i would have done but i understand why its so iconic and works as a good design within these games #in later games some of the designs are just so obnoxiously trying to be scary that it just doesnt really work. #fnaf ... is stupid. #anyway not a lore guy i just like animatronics and observing things. if you couldnt already tell #fnaf is really fun to talk about and dissect. because it makes me wanna make things that are good and cool #e #i gotta stop here im gonna go on forever #getting teardrop to talk #this post was from yesterday i finished the documentary . btw the letterboxd reviews are so mean

[pepprs]

ok update i just finished making my card and i said / drew (lol) basically everything i wanted to say in it (except for the things i definitely can’t say now that this is happening lol). so i think maybe i might be ok with not saying what i want to say directly to her. but then when i say that im not ok with it at all LOLLLL so i think i need to sleep on it and maybe see what tomorrow brings

#purrs #sobbed hysterically writing the message and that was like 4 hrs ago (yeah.) and im still like dizzy and puffy eyed from it. i am not having #a good time lol. and it’s only going to get more intense this whole week and i don’t know if i can handle it. ive been overstimulated / #sleep deprived for like 2 straight days bc yesterday i was doing everything in my power to avoid thinking abt it and today i was doing #everything in mt power TO think abt it including being subjected to things that were hard and ofc the walk being a flop kinda lol. but omg. #mutuals i know it’s so deeply cringe but i have been vagueposting abt my work life since before i even got the fucking job. i know i look #mentally ill about it and i definitely am but my colleagues past and present are my best friends and my number 1 reason to be alive #actually. so this is just. idk. this feels very……. especially when this is someone who was never supposed to leave this suddenly. who i thou #thought i had years and years left with. and it’s just over like that and we have to say goodbye and i know it’s not even that big of a move #but it’s actually killing me. like physically. that this is happening rn. i don’t know what the fuck im going to do. and we aren’t even f #gonna be able to grieve openly at all but we are grieving and she doesn’t even.. like idk. maybe it just hasn’t occurred to her that we are. #but we literally are and its soooooooo bad. it’s so bad. i feel like im having a bad dream every day. i already felt like nothing was real #anymore and this helped abt -50000% with that sensation. like wtf is going on rn. she’s LEAVING. ON FRIDAY. FOREVER. FUCK! #but uh yeah the point is i do want to talk to her and if it was anyone else i would. but when it comes to emotional stuff and being honest #w each other abt how one makes the other feel… we are incompatible im afraid. she doesn’t want to talk abt it and all i want to do is talk b #but im shy and weak so i cave and just do everything in my power to give her what she needs and then i feel shattered for the rest of the #day / week / whatever. it fucking sucks and im not like that w anyone else in my little irl world (except my p*rents ofc LMAO) but it’s like #onmgggggg. can we please just talk abt how it is so painful you are doing this and comfort each other in it somehow. LOL! like i am in so mu #much pain i can’t even speak and she didn’t even look at me when i flicked my eyes over to her during the silences. CRINGE! girl she doesn’t #care about you 😭😭😭😭 except she does. idk. it’s just sooooo. idk. my brain is not right it hasn’t been since i got the news. i think im dying #delete later #OMG ALSO it is now the wee hours of july 26 which means that 3 yrs ago right abt now i did something so very stupid that made me have my #first very bad breakdown ever and it led to me realizing i needed counseling again. so maybe in the spirit of this anniversary i will do #this stupid thing (of asking to talk and then saying what i want to say even though i wrote it out) and then have a very bad breakdown and t #then go to counseling 🥳✌️

[sanstropfremir]

haha I wish sf9 made the cut but no. I watched the video to see how rough it'll be and wow they're treating this like a research project I'm??? Like it's not that deep. I promise.

Welp they looked at 4 groups (ateez, bt/s, monstax, exo) and ranked them like this.

First as a group stage presence??

4. Exo

3. Ateez

2. Monsta X

1. Bts

And in individual rankings (there's too much and my brain hurt when they were talking about overt/Covert, masculine/feminine, charismatic, sensual something else but I don't wanna go back lol) I'll give the top 10 which are:

10. Xiumin (masculine Covert charismatic sensual)

9. Kihyun (masculine overt charismatic)

8. Jungkook(masculine overt dominant charismatic)

7. Wooyoung(masculine overt dominate charismatic. developing a sensual side *idk what this even means*

6. Jimin(feminine overt dominant sensual)

5. Seonghwa(feminine overt sensual masculine overt dominant) doesn't fit in a box, depends on era

4. San(masculine feminine overt dominant sensual) I guess he also doesn't fit in a box either I dunno I forgot what they said

4. Jhope(masculine overt dominant charismatic) tied with san

3. Hongjoong(masculine overt dominant charismatic)

2. Jooheon(masculine overt dominant)

1. Kai( nothing bc she doesn't know he's too difficult to pin down, 3 dimensional)

My thoughts: ... why?? Why is there a need to place everyone in a cute little box??? They're performers they PERFORM

oh my fucking GOD LJDLKSJLKDJFLKSDJFLKDSFJLDKSFJDLSKFJ somehow it is SO much worse seeing it written out jesus fucking christ. sdlfkjdslfjdsljf she really just picked four popular groups that have no relation to each other huh. i'll give her a single point for recognizing that hongjoong is the best performer in ateez but this is actually insane. firstly, the gall to rank bts above mx for group presence like mx hasn't spent their entire career having the most distinctive stage presence of any 3rd gen group. and secondly, the gendered shit was bewildering the first time and now it's just infuriating and gross. like HOW do you not see the problem with unironically and enthusiastically gendering people's MOVEMENTS like this........ girl get fucking help.

#absolutely hilarious to me that she literally cannot quantify kai.....its almost like........... #good performers.........are flexible with what kind of attributes they portray for different performances........ #almost like.........acting.........is a thing.................. #im rescinding the words stage presence from the kpoppie vocabulary. no one is allowed to use it anymore since ITS LITERALLY NOT REAL #AND NOT A THING YOU CAN QUANTIFY!!!!!!!!!!!!! #i still cant fucking believe she just made all this shit up #like she really sat down one day and said 'im gonna make up this system to quantify something that no one is talking about #so i can put people into neat little boxes for no reason!' #like girl. girl. #like her instincts are not overall wrong. she does have a........vague........understanding of what a good performer #but the whole labelling schtick is just sooo much and the lack of awareness about performance as an art form is ASTOUNDING #like i said last time: if you do ''research'' and 'no one' is talking about something in an art form that is literally 1000s of years old #you are not inventing a new type of critique or method. you are just making shit up with no historical evidence or theoretical merit #text #answers

[hecksupremechips]

My biggest fear is that I’ll spend so much time beating myself up for not being good at writing that by the time I get the words down, all my passion will have run out and my ideas will have been long expired and I’ll have disappointed everyone by failing yet again to keep my promises

#the klock keeps ticking #i cant ever think about anything else but the stories i wanna write its the only thing i got on my mind its all i want #but i get so stuck in my head that i cant put any words down and when i do i beat them up so much i cant move on #so it takes me a really long time to create nowadays. if i even try #and idk im really tired of this like it isnt just art and writing its how i do everything #i talk about it so much but i never make anything a reality and i stay in one horrible spot forever #and then i complain about how miserable i am that i havent done anything with myself when im too scared to actually do the work of making #things real #like hnnnghh idk i finally forced myself to stop making excuses and just fucking start officially writing the first chapter of my big shinji #project that i keep gushing about in my head but ive only been able to write a few paragraphs #i cant get much further without getting hard on myself because i feel like every single word i choose is wrong #and i also have been sleeping waaaaay worse than usual the past month from extreme stress so im fatigued much easier #and im just scared im gonna spend so much time on this that like by the time ive finished the first chapter i wont even care anymore #which will really suck cuz ive wanted this for so long and for once i just want something of mine to go good i want to make something #that i want possible just to prove im capable of something so basic #its just all this damn pressure AAAAAAAAAAA i hate everything

[featherymainffins]

Binge-reading Dungeon Meshi because it's the only thing standing between me and suicide ngl.

#it at least gave me the single molecule of mental energy required to force myself to eat at least one slice of bread #because it's like the physical energy is there sure but mentally I'm like 'noooooo I don't want to eat anything i hate food #all food tastes bad and i hate life and i want to eat nothing at all and furthermore i need to lose weight so i should starve myself' #I'm thinking that it might actually make me last until I either convince the crisis center that I'm for fucking real for real #or until my appointment with the school counselor. which idk when would be because i was supposed to go on the #2nd of April but i guess there might be holidays because he called me when i was atva lecture but i couldn't take it #because i had a lecture and he hasn't called since but I'm assuming #that hell call again and that he wants to let me know that the date is impossible #but I want to like wait and see what he says. and if he goes like 'oh actually im on a long vacay now goodbye forever' #or whatever I'll just go '...slay' and ride my ass to the hospital tomorrow. #show up at the crisis centre looking exactly like the patients with chronic pain who report pain 7 while looking unphased #like 'hello i am an active danger to myself I can't get out of bed most days; i need 16 hours of sleep to function for 4 hours #my meds have stopped working I haven't eaten anything but exactly 2 pancakes and a slice of bread in the past 4 days #and i exhibit a strong refusal to change this marked by thoughts present in people affected by eating disorders. no activity #feels fun anymore and they were marked by a strong sense of anxiety a few days ago but now i just feel nothing at all. #at this point I'm not even refusing to do any of my hobbies because im increasingly afraid of failure and its #consequences while being hunted for sport by anxiety from the opposite end telling me that i need to finish 50 masterpieces #immediately or nobody will ever like me again and they'll all see me for the talentless fraud i am. at this point i just don't care. #i don't do anything because i feel sluggish and my body is heavy and I'm so so tired and I'm tired of being awake and I can't think straight #also i think i might be going into a psychotic episode again.' #they're gonna tell me to get the fuck out of their faces anyway but it's worth a try. #like idk i feel like they might kinda listen because yesterday I guess they wouldn't have but today i have stopped caring about cars #and looking both ways. which is like. not a good sign probably. also yesterday i was still somewhat able to talk to people #even though i was in a very irritated and drained out state but today I'm feeling like if anyone even fucking attempts to talk to me #or if i hear any loud fucking sound at all I'm just gonna punch myself in the head until the pain drowns out all the sound

[be-good-to-bugs]

why can i not clean my room?

#the bin #i was planning on cleaning it today but my sister called out and is having a friend over so im not #but its in a state :/ well maybe tomorrow i guess #going to try to draw maybe ill make smth or maybe i wont #feeling weird in my lofe all the time sucks a lot but im trying to improve it #i think first step is to clean my room second step is to clean my kitchen third step is eat actual fucking food oh my god #been loving off goldfish for the past month. a lil snack cakes here n there n occasionally some mac n cheese but mostly just goldfish #and goldfish r good but like. also not good for me for sure #well now that im not dreading the mornings so much cause they arent 3 hours of miserably working in a very empty kinda dark store #and instead im in close proximity to my v friendly coworkers i think maybe ill try actually waking up real early n eating and washing my #face and stuff before i go to work like a normal person. maybe. maybe not. but im gonna try #i need to be able to wake up at 4am easily anyway bc i could be working at 5am so its prob better if i wake so early anyway #but i dont like to go to bed that early either. well. at least winter means the sun isnt up for too many hours which is nice #idk. this new job has made everything about my life so much less sad and crushing #even starting it and being there is much less bleh than my prwv job was when i started. i think cause i talk to my coworkers a lot #and its not a constant and continue thing of work that does not end the whole time. the work comes and goes with orders #its nice. much kess monotonous. and since my life outside work is all the same every day its awful if work is also that #maybe omce im working more hours ill feel bad again but i honestly think ill still feel ok. and im not aiming for 40 hours a week anymore #either. more like 36. so i think its good

[epicdogymoment]

shout out to brown and levisons face theory

#leologisms #statements that will make sense to [glances around] zero people. other than me #like on one hand it is kinda. very funny to me that there is a serious linguistic theory that codifies 'save face' and 'lose face' as 'real #linguistic concepts. and on the other hand to me its a really good way to conceptualise of human interactions. like its a linguistic #theory but. its one that relates to conversations between people. so it can also be applied to other interactions in general #[uh oh. hes gonna start briefly explaining face theory] so theres positive face and negative face. i think the easiest way to conceptualise #of it is that positive face relates to the desire for acceptance + connection // negative face to the desire not to be imposed upon #and then there are face threatening acts (which are basically what it says on the tin) where you somehow damage either the +ve or -ve face #of either the listener or the speaker. and these can be accidental or intentional #and a lot of the time FTAs towards the self are used to make elevate the listener by comparison. or maintain the listeners face #a lot of mitigation strategies make use of FTAs toward the speaker in order to downplay the effect of a FTA toward the listener #because. politeness theory. which i wont bother explaining because its not too important i guess #anyway yeah. why was i thinking about face theory? oh yeah. because lately ive been thinking about how i speak #(again.) #saying something weird and then immediately commiting a +ve FTA against myself shows that a) im aware that ive said something #wrong and bad and b) turns the previous statement into a joke. even if i really meant it sincerely. its a painful strategy for existing as #person in the world who doesnt want to be outcast by the people surrounding them. living like this sucks. being so afraid of imposing on #other people that you avoid committing a -ve FTA against them at all costs sucks. #i dont want to keep talking about this anymore the vulnerability is getting to be too much