#im staying clear from the trial and any discussion of the trial because I don’t want to engage in the phenomenon it has become

[statticscribbles]

Wind Chimes Pt 2

Summary: Sweet Pea/Reader Request: A Part two of Wind Chimes, TW: Abuse, Discussions of Abuse

You don’t mean to spend the night over in Sweet Pea’s, but its almost morning anyways theres no point in going back to get yelled at more. FP doesn’t push you instead asking how your mom’s been doing explaining how shed stopped showing up to meetings, you in return explained how she wasn’t allowed to go anywhere without Micheal, and since he wasn’t a serpent he couldn’t go. You try your best not to make a mess or bother sweet pea, opting to stay on the couch once FP leaves; after assuring you he’ll talk with your mom. You fall asleep and wake up in the bed, sitting up and looking around the room has you identifying the suddenly odd shaped couch as having Sweet Pea sleeping on it.

You manage to sneak out, after leaving a note letting Sweet Pea know you’ve just gone home. Your mothers making breakfast when you open the door, she turns cheerfully and offers you a plate, you claim you’ve already eaten as her boyfriend emerges. You can tell he’s looking at you when the content look drops off his face. “The kids back, you been slumming it with those snakes again? you know you’ll just end up knocked up and alone if you try to get with them. you know they wouldn’t want you as one of them right?” you don’t say anything just bow your head slightly; evidentially he wanted a verbal answer with how he shoves you, repeating himself.

“i know, they wouldn’t want me anyways. You don’t have to worry about me Micheal” you mimic whatever you think he wants to hear, relieved when he nods and gestures to the door. “I’m not worried for you. Hanging out with gang members is putting stress on your mother and i, how’re we supposed to get anything done with you running off with who knows doing god knows what kinds of drugs and going to parties. well go on I’m sure they’re waiting to bring you to school, if they even go of course.” you bite your lip to avoid saying anything as you start to walk to school.

“Need a lift y/n?” you nod as sweet pea pulls to a stop beside you, he offers you his helmet and waits till you nod to start his bike again. You feign a little more fear than necessary during the ride as an excuse to cling to him more. You worry you’re being clingy and annoying but Sweet Pea just smiles and tucks his keys into his pocket. “Your helmet!” you start to tug it off and he waits as you hover it out towards him. “Keep it, i’ll give you a lift later.” “What about fangs?” you question, confused when he pulls up in a car with Toni and a few other serpents. “Oh so thats why you wanted to take your bike, showing off like that is no way to impress a lady, you need to buy her dinner.” Toni laughs and Sweet Pea glares. “Shut it.” he smacks fangs on the shoulder and you jump.

“Sorry, fuck I’m sorry.” he speaks before you can react fluttering around you, the rest of the serpents watching curiously. “You not a fan of violence then?” Fangs asks and you blink out of your momentary stupor to shake your head. “I don’t mind just brought back some uncomfortable memories.” they nod leaving you and Sweet Pea alone. “Memories?” “It happened in the past, that means its a memory.” you counter and he smiles a tiny bit before looking serious as he looks you in the eyes. “I’m really sorry about that babe I didn’t even think about it freaking you out, I really am sorry.” Sweet Pea hangs his head. “Babe?” You question. “Yes?” “No I was asking why you called me babe.” “Oh. Cause I can; I can stop if you want.” You know you’re probably blushing. “No you don’t have to, its nice.” you smile and nod to him and then towards the school. “We should get to class.” He nods repeating what you said and following you, staring at the ground.

“You only like him because he can protect you. You don’t know the first thing about him” Micheal starts the minute he gets home, you know he saw you riding on the back of sweet peas bike. “I bet the first chance he gets, the minute he gets you alone he’ll hit you.” “Like you?” you cover your mouth but know its no use; Micheal stalks forward face blank as he curls his fist.

You try your best to cover the black eye with a mixture of your hair and makeup, its still visible, but looks healed by a few days, all you have to do is lie about the pain and no one should bother you. Micheal seems almost proud at the disgust on your mother’s face when she catches sight of you; you hope its disgust at what he’d done, not at you. You shake the thought from your head trying your best to not to let Micheal’s verbal attacks wear you down more. “I’m going for a walk.” You say mostly to the carpet as you take your keys and step three doors down.

“Hey y/n whats up?” You don’t respond stumbling forward trying to avoid touching your hair. “What happened y/n” You know sweet pea knows, you can hear the concern lacing his voice and when he cautiously tugs your arm you fold into him crying off the makeup you’d spent hours on.

Micheal learns from what he calls his mistake, you learn to keep any comments to yourself and he learns its much better to hit you in places you wont show anyone; of course since he thinks you’re sleeping around he concludes at least there will be bad lighting to hide it.

“Come on kid, no one actually wants to look at your face when they fuck you, they wont notice the bruises anyways. Suck it up; if you’re going to end up as the plaything for the serpents like your mother was the least you can do is take a hit without crying about it.”

Your excuse is you’re taking a shower, you shove you school bag full of as many clothes as you can, unsure of when you’ll be back. You’re thankful you don’t have to go far, sliding out your window and knocking three doors down. “Hey, study session right?” You know other people are here right now with how his hands grip the door. You hate that sweet pea got dragged into this, he can’t even spend time with his friends without you interrupting. You offer a slight nod.

“I can come back if you’re busy.” “Is that y/n? Tell her to come in; I need to talk to her.” You cringe at FP’s voice and follow Sweet Pea. “Hey Mr. Jones.” “I’ve told you its FP; now-“ “Actually before we talk, I wanted to ask; can I join the serpents?” You blurt out trying your best to avoid looking him in the eye. “Well great minds think alike, Sweet Pea and I were just talking about it. We both think it would be best, just for added security. Well I do anyways.” “You don’t want me join?” you frown at Sweet Pea who shakes his head.

“No i just, its complicated, we can talk later..” He nods to FP who laughs. “I know when I’m not wanted, see you two at your trials; Sweet Pea, no cheating to help her okay..” Sweet Pea nods and you turn to him nerves building. “Listen I get I’m a burden and a nuisance right now, but if I join the serpents I don’t have to shadow you all the time so you can get your life back. I get I don’t offer anything of value to the- Sweet Pea?” You break from your rant to watch him frown.

“You’re not a burden, or a bother or a nuisance or any other thing like that. Im spending my time helping you because I like you, because I want to protect you, I want to help you. I’m going out of my way, sure, but its worth it knowing you’re safe.” He sighs. “Let me put it this way, if I have to sleep on the couch every night, just so I know you’re not sleeping in the same place as that asshole, I’m more than happy to do that.” “we can just share the bed, or i can take the cou-” You shrug half heartily pausing at his scowl. “-sharing the bed it is then.” You smile at him setting your bag down. “Oh here, I cleared out a drawer for you, well its mostly Fangs’ and Toni’s things, they used to stay here a lot.”

It becomes normal, a relief to return to Sweet Pea’s everyday. You’re an official Serpent; Sweet Pea insisting that you’re the best recruit they’ve ever had. The Serpents themselves seem relieved, and a few of the older ones ask about your mom, you give what updates you can, she seemed to be doing better although Micheal still came around too often for you to want to go home.

“I’m sorry please don’t-“ You don’t finish the sentence ducking down to pull the plate fragments from the carpets, nervous when Sweet Pea stops you. “Hey y/n, it’s okay sweetheart, it’s fine.” “You’re not going to hurt me?” You cringe as you calm down from the panic, he’s staring at you. “No y/n, I’m not going to hurt you, I’d never hurt someone I love.” You nod nervously still holding the plate shards and he pulls the trashcan over. “There, all clean, hey wait don’t step there you could hurt yourself.” Sweet Pea says, lifting you up and swivelling to place you down in a plate free area. He finishes cleaning up returning from dumping the trashcan outside. “Whats wrong Y/N?”

“Hm? oh, nothing, I love you too.” You try your best to sound nonchalant but cant help the smile when his face pinks. “You love me; wait too? Did I- dammit, I was saving that for a more romantic moment.” “Picking up a plate is plenty romantic.” You counter and he smiles nodding to the bed where you curl up next to him. “ So Y/N, would you like to be my girlfriend then?” “Yes please.” “You don’t need to say please I asked you.”

“It’s polite, you need to learn manners.” You laugh and he shakes his head. “i have manners, it’s just silly of you to ask if you can be my girlfriend when I already asked you to date me.” You blink shaking your head. “That doesn’t make sense, dating doesn’t mean we’re boyfriend and girlfriend.” “It does to me” Sweet Pea nods to you. “Same goes but-“ “Then theres no buts, were dating and boyfriend and girlfriend that’s how it works.” “Not always.” You counter and he laughs. “Of course, but for us it does.” You fall asleep in Sweet Pea’s arms and when you wake in the middle of the night he’s still next to you, you turn slightly curling into his arms as he half wakes up. “What’s wrong?” He mumbles still half asleep. “It’s quiet.” You shrug a little and he presses a kiss against your cheek. “Go back to sleep babe, it’s too early.” You nod settling down but jump bumping into his arms as you hear a sound outside the door. “Y/N, it’s okay sweetheart, just the wind.” He nuzzles into your hair pulling the blanket closer.

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#sweet pea x reader #sweet pea x you #sweet pea x y/n #sweet pea imagine #sweet pea reader insert #jordan connor #jordan connor imagine #jordon connor reader insert #stattic

[shadowhuntertrash]

hello! im really mad at myself for not taking time out to talk with a fellow fanfic writer such as yourself, but could you please do a fic with matthew and cordelia (platonic) discussing Cordelia's situation with Elias? thank you 💜

This was forever ago and I'm so sorry <33

Cordelia desperately needed someone to talk to but had no one to go to. She was extremely stressed out about Elias coming home and normally she would talk to Lucie about these things but she seemed to conveniently disappear every time Cordelia blinked.

  She couldn’t go to her mother or her brother as they were both stressing over the same thing and they both also had other things on their minds. She couldn’t talk to James, not that they were ever close enough for him to be a real option but he’d been distant ever since their engagement and oftentimes only saw her when they went out in public together.

   So really Cordelia had planned to just keep it bottled up since she really knew no one else to go to. She had briefly thought about Anna but she didn’t seem the type to take things seriously, not to mention Cordelia was fairly certain there was some tension between Anna and Ariadne that she wasn’t supposed to know about.

   Cordelia couldn’t help but be relieved when Matthew cornered her one day and had announced that they were going to Devil’s Tavern. It was a nice distraction and Matthew and herself had been getting rather close so she hadn’t minded it though she knew she wasn’t supposed to go anywhere or be left alone with any man that wasn’t James.

   Matthew had surprised her when he walked straight past the bar and towards their room instead of getting whiskey or wine of some sort. Matthew lit the fire and sat on the floor, his back against the fireplace as his eyes lingered over her curiously. Cordelia took a seat on the couch that was facing the warmth the fireplace was now giving off.

   “Is something wrong?” Cordelia asked, shifting slightly to rearrange her dress beneath her. Matthew shook his head, his blonde curls bobbing slightly. “No, I just figured you could use someone to talk to.” Cordelia frowned at her hands and wondered briefly if she had truly been that obvious.

   “It wasn’t obvious,” Matthew said quietly as if he could read her mind. “I am just well acquainted with that feeling and everything’s been so crazy I know you haven’t gotten to talk about much and it’s clear to me at least that something’s wrong.” Cordelia bit her lip and felt a wave of appreciation roll over her.

   No one ever realized that Matthew was the mother hen of the group. He cared about his friends deeply and was there whether they knew they needed him or not. Most people thought it was Thomas who took care of them all and while he was also always watching out for his friends, he tended to be rather distracted these days. No one could blame him for being distracted after all he’d been through though.

   Cordelia smiled softly at Matthew. “Ever the mother hen, you are. It’s absurd.” She said, wondering why she was deflecting when she’d been wanting to talk to someone for so long. Matthew scoffed and rolled his eyes. “I’m not the mother hen I’m the father rooster.” The playfulness left his face and his eyes narrowed at Cordelia as if he were trying to see her soul.

   “What’s wrong, Delia?” Cordelia let out a little sigh at the name. Since they had become friends he’d never called her Daisy because it had always been James’s name for her and it felt weird so he had come up with his own.

   Cordelia bit her lip and frowned, relaxing into the couch. “I don’t know. I guess I’m just anxious for my father’s return. Knowing what I know now I truly wish I hadn’t tried so hard to get him back. Does that make me a bad person?” Cordelia asked, her eyes seeking Matthew’s green ones that she knew would be full of reassurances.

   As expected, Matthew’s eyes were reassuring as he shook his head firmly. “No, it doesn’t. I’d have to say if I were in your situation I’d probably be feeling very similar.” Matthew scooted from where he had been resting against the wall to situate himself on the floor in front of her.

   Matthew took her hands gently. “I can tell there’s more going on than that. If you want to talk about it it’s fine I’ll listen and if not that’s okay too it’s your call. I’m here if you need me, to listen or distract s up to you.” Cordelia smiled at him and wrapped her arms around his shoulders, hugging him tightly.

  “Thank you.” She said quietly as Matthew wrapped his arms around her to return the hug. “Always.” Cordelia pulled away and her hand went to Matthew’s hair absentmindedly when he rested his chin on her knee. 

   Cordelia let out a sigh before she began. “I’ve always seen my father as a good person, a good father, but now things have been brought to my attention and I can’t help but look back and see that all those times were falsely remembered.” Cordelia frowned and Matthew grabbed her free hand encouragingly. 

   “I used to think he was sick, that’s what Alastair told me anyway. He wasn’t, he never was, he just had a problem with alcohol. He could drink it like water and then be sick and have a lapse of memory.” Cordelia bit her lip, now feeling rather bad for having this conversation with Matthew, but Matthew as if reading her mind again shook his head. 

   “Keep going.” He said gently, giving her hand a reassuring squeeze. “Did you know that the reason he was on trial was that he was so drunk he genuinely couldn’t remember what happened. It’s why the Mortal Sword didn’t work on him when it asked him questions.” Matthew’s eyebrows furrowed together in distaste. 

   Cordelia knew Matthew was a drunk as well but he almost never got blackout drunk. “I’m just- Really I’m worried about Alastair.” Cordelia almost expected Matthew to scoff or dismiss the subject since he was quite adverse to her brother, but he almost looked concerned.

   “Why?” He asked quietly, his chin lifted off her knee so he could look her in the eye better. “He and my father don’t have the best relationship to put it lightly. Alastair grew up protecting me and my mother and it wasn’t always an exchange of words.” She said carefully, not wanting to say it aloud.

  Matthew seemed to have understood if the dark look in his eyes was anything to go off of. “Has he ever hurt you?” He asked darkly. Cordelia was torn between wanting to yell at him for suggesting such a thing and thanking him for being protective. “No, he hasn’t ever hurt me or my mother but there have been many occasions where Alastair has dealt with it.”

   Matthew frowned and looked down, Cordelia could practically hear him thinking. “I know I have never liked your brother but I wish that hadn’t happened. I hope you know that if that ever happens again or if he turns on you or your mother that we will all be here for you. All of us. Your family could stay at the Institute if something were to happen so all I can say right now is that we’ve got your back. Not just if something happens but we’re here to listen too. That’s a lot to go through, but I hope you know how strong it makes you to have gone through all that and come out the person you are, Cordelia.”

   Cordelia felt the anxiety that had knotted in her stomach loosen some. Matthew was right, she did have many people who were there if things went wrong. It wouldn’t do any good to stress about it and she knew that Alastair would never accept their help but she would ask them in a heartbeat.

   Cordelia leaned down and hugged Matthew again. “Thank you. It means a lot and just thank you. For being there and willing to listen.” Matthew laughed softly against her. “Of course.” He whispered. 

   For the first time in a long time, Cordelia felt like everything might just be okay.

#cordelia carstairs #matthew fairchild #elias carstairs #tlh fanfic #tlh #the last hours

[stattic-writes]

Wind Chimes: Pt 2

https://statticscribbles.tumblr.com/post/639099629845233664/masterlist

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[human-zim]

this is peak Tumblr drama. people demonizing each other after they break up, the source of the breakup not really clear at all, it goes on and on and on as they gain followers to rally against each other.. forced to pick a side, etc

HAREM MEMBER I can NOT believe how wrong you are. You must be new, so let me give you the FULL RUNDOWN OF SKOODGE AND I’S RELATIONSHIP (as much as I can recall, which knowing how great I am is EVERYTHING) under the cut:

- SKOODGE and I used to be best friends. ROOMMATES and PALS. It was so long ago, yet so recent...I’d say somewhere in March or April of this year, if you want go by the Gregorian calendar 

- However I LOVED SKOODGE, inexplicably, unreasonably, that fat bastard had my heart. He was annoying! And a loser! But he was MY annoying loser. I would defend his honor with a passion

- I NEVER SAID this. Why would I? I did not WANT it to be true, I did not WANT anyone to know this! I have recently COME AROUND (after a discussion with @hi-im-tak) to this thing called EMOTIONS, however, and apparently I have lots of them. So I am open with this information NOW but not back then

- SKOODGE! That SCOUNDREL! After I had so RESPONSIBLY HELD MY TONGUE, guess what he did? HE SPILLED HIS GUTS OUT, ALL OVER THE CARPET. He just-! CONFESSES-! Sloppily, messily, ill-planned - like he had the right to the comfort of sharing one’s feelings - that HE TOO, HAD FEELINGS FOR ME, ZIM!! And Let me Tell You I Was LIVID. I was ANGRY. My THERAPIST told me that I was EMBARRASSED, TOO, which spurred some of the anger, but BAH!! 

- I told that man I told him, I said “fuck you SKOODGE, you scoundrel you, look at what you’ve done” not VERBATIM but something like that. I believe he was sad about it

- all of a sudden EVERYONE WAS UP IN ARMS ABOUT IT!! Keep in mind, this was right after a set of individuals both known and unknown had been coercing me to, “come on ZIM, just tell SKOODGE you love him, you deserve each other, you deserve to be happy”... and right when I was coming around to the idea of it, getting ready, weighing my odds - that BITCH SKOODGE JUMPS IN AND DOES THAT and those SAME PEOPLE were then like “OH, ZIM, you were too harsh-!” “OH, ZIM, you need to apologize!” They were all thinking that I was SO MEAN TO SKOODGE when I rightfully called out his faults...but what they didn’t get was that it was, as the word goes, SWEET of me to say all of those things because I still loved him anyway...He was a loser, and that was just SKOODGE. So What? I didn’t care, But evidently SKOODGE did, and was all “”SAD””” that I said those things and EVERYONE was tellin me to apologize!! AS IF ZIM WOULD EVER!!!

- SKOODGE is resilient THAT IS HIS NATURE. He is not one to BREAK over silly things, and that is why I can say What he Is...he will bounce back. but if he DOES break, he GETS BACK UP AGAIN. And that’s what he did. HE GOT BACK UP ALRIGHT. Somewhere in him he SPURRED this, this, this - INCONSOLABLE CONFIDENCE that would NOT let me speak. He wrangled apologies out of me - everyone did - but I was still slighted, so I gave him the occasional insult myself. But I Apologized. Did He Forgive, Though? Did He?...

- I thought I could hold my own, I am ZIM, after all. I was not going to be controlled by this...I am ZIM and he is SKOODGE, I house him and care for him, he is a FRIEND. But he never relented to me, he never forgave, he never gave me an absolute “It’s Okay, ZIM, I forgive you for saying the accurate things you always say and also my previous ill-planned confession still stands.” No. None of that. And I found myself apologizing more and more. The insults...the apt statements...lost their fire. I was no longer weaving around the apology - no- I was SAYING IT, Up Front, and I was SAYING, UP FRONT, “I love you, SKOODGE.” I did not realize at the time, it was all happening so fast - SKOODGE was no longer giving me the time of day, and I was slipping down a hole. A manhole, a Sewer hole, with the rats. I was growing desperate.

- I asked, sometimes, on here. I asked Why, and my speech implied my troubles. I still got the same old responses - “You just gotta be nicer, ZIM!” “You just got to apologize, have a heart to heart, you’re hurt but he is too.” But I KNOW SKOODGE, if he was not willing to talk he WOULDN’T, and he is so much STRONGER that everyone was pegging him to be. I APOLOGIZED. I WAS NICE. he would humor me, sometimes, FINALLY relieving my mounting stresses, but he was gone before I knew it. And I followed. I followed! ZIM! A follower!

- He had grown SO COLD. I was MISSING my friend SKOODGE, MISSING my love and my roommate, I had had to come to terms with it then - I MISSED him, I LOVED him, and I APOLOGIZED - what else was I supposed to do?! He had become inconsolable. I don’t know what he was doing - RECLAIMING HIS LIFE, AFTER LIVING AS AN UNDERDOG FOR SO LONG? RELISHING IN THE POWER, OF HAVING SOMEONE CRAVE AFTER HIM? But being an underdog- that’s just SKOODGE. Acknowledging the will of others - that’s just SKOODGE. What was the problem? Why did he feel the need to seek this POWER after living as a shamelessly self-loving HELPER for so long? What changed?

- I have spoken with two - TWO - people privately on here about this...guess what they told me? Can you guess? “Just go talk to him ZIM, just talk about it!” but no no NO, couldn’t they see? It wasn’t up to me anymore! SKOODGE had all the power, ZIM had lost it!! SKOODGE had stolen it all from him after ZIM was a fool enough to show him his heart. He had me hanging on to every last word of his. It was never a lot - a word there, greeting here, just so cold, so distant. Wasn’t even AROUND half the time and he never told me where he was going. He shot an arrow at me once. Sure, I had done it to him, but in the name of SCIENCE and after he had consented to my vaguely described weapon trial run. You can shoot arrows at each other and still be friends - we had BOTH suffered worse. But it was how it made me FEEL - yes, FEEL. I was pulling the arrowhead out of my skin, and absolutely LOVING IT. I was LOVING the ATTENTION I was finally getting from him. he had ignored my messages ignored my greetings so this - arrowhead - meant the world to me. 

- after the Arrow Incident I REALIZED that I was GONE. I was an EMPTY SHELL. What kind of invaderHuman Person LIKED to get hit with arrows? I had no control over my own home anymore, my own feelings, my own actions. My AUTONOMY - GONE. I was LIVING for this ugly motherfucker who lived in my vents and bred rats!! The ABSURDITY made me want to VOMIT once I finally realized it. But I couldn’t say anything. I COULDN’T. Not only would he just ignore me, but I was afraid of something worse than that. I was afraid that he’d leave.

- I know SKOODGE I know IrkensPeaople Humans and I KNOW how the cycle of power goes, Believe Me. You live it! You bore! And you walk. I was just TERRIFIED of the day SKOODGE realized that he was bored of me - he was staying out of MORBID CURIOSITY ALONE, I could tell, since he seemed to be living so well without me. I DENIED this at first and tried to give myself MORE POWER - I was like, OH, he is in MY HOUSE, he NEEDS me, and OH, he uses MY supplies, he must NEED me, but in reality...it didn’t matter at all. It wasn’t about me, and he didn’t need my stuff. He was just using it all. Cause it was convenient. Cause I was letting him, although I had no say in the matter any more - it was his. he stole it. He stole it all. And it was just a matter of time before he bored of me scrambling after him like a RAT IN THE SEWER, SEARCHING FOR THAT SWEET SWEET SUNLIGHT BY THE MANHOLE IN THE STREET IN WHICH HE ENTERED!! It was just a matter of time before he walked out with his bright pink thigh high platform heels, walked right on out of my life.

- BITCH ANON saved my life on this. After this was all clear to me, I realized that WAIT, I WAS ZIM, I am POWERFUL and ALMIGHTY and I shouldn’t have to live at the heels of those bright pink boots!! I shouldn't be fixin to get stomped on because it was all the attention I could get out of him!! BITCH ANON was the only one who gave me some solid advice at this point: they told me to THROW DOWN WITH SKOODGE and TAKE BACK WHAT WAS MINE. SKOODGE STILL IGNORED ME on this Messaging System but today it all came out..

- What you see today is ME BREAKING AWAY FROM THAT TOXIC BEAST!! He has had me BEGGING FOR BITS AT HIS HEELS for far too long. He is GOLD-DIGGING- HOME-WRECKING- HEART-BREAKING and just downright MANIPULATIVE and I am CURSING him from my home. I have built my HAREM, WITHOUT HIM, which is full of friends who support ME and ONLY ME, and I have appointed my good friend BITCH ANON as TOP BITCH, for they are always there for me, and had been, this whole time.

I am ZIM, AND I BEG AT THE HEELS OF NO MAN!! Especially not bright pink ones!!!

So you See, HAREM MEMBER, there IS a clear source of a break-up and there IS reason to “demonize” SKOODGE...he is a RAT BASTARD who broke my “”heart””” and for that I will never forgive him. It is CRUCIAL that my support system does Not condone that bitch for my own Safety and Well-being, and You, HAREM MEMBER, are no exception...I hope this was informative as to the intricacies of ZIM and why he absolutely will not tolerate SKOODGE-lovers in his HAREM :)

#(((uhhhhhhhh whoops lol got carried away sorry...this is alot i know for a shitpost blog and you dont have to read it all it's kinda long))) #(((thanks for putting up with the drama today yall!!))) #2dmensionz

[smuttyfairy]

Recovered Hearts {OSH}

Description: He would do everything in his power to make you happy again.

Genre: Angst/Fluff/Smut

Word Count: 10,153

Warning: mentions of abuse, mentions of rape, consensual smut, panic attacks, small PTSD moments (please do not read this if any of these things can/will trigger you)

Pairing: Police Officer!Oh Sehun x Reader (feat. Police Officer!Yixing)

Author: Admin Xiufairy ㅅㅇㅅ (THIS IS MY FAREWELL EVERYONE!! I hope you enjoy it, it wasn’t easy to write.)

Xiufairy’s Masterlist ㅅㅇㅅ

Sehun had seen it before anyone else. Yixing soon caught on after that, but you’d never admit it to them. Not only to hide your own shame, but the shame of how much you still loved the man who hurt you.

He hurt you in every way possible, and there was nothing stopping him from doing it again. Yixing and Sehun were both cops - partners that usually patrolled the streets together. It was the day that he’d beaten you until you couldn’t take it anymore that you finally called the cops on him.

Yixing and Sehun, being the closest, were the first to respond. You hated that they saw you like that, beaten, bruised, and cowering in the corner. You even flinched away from them trying to help you.

Sehun was more than a bit rough when he was putting your ex boyfriend into handcuffs. You hated this image of you that they saw. You were sure you were going to at least have a black eye and bruises all over you. Your top was ripped in a few places. You were glad they’d arrived before it got worse.

The trial was hard for you, but you stayed stronger than you ever thought you could be. You sat next to your lawyer, Park Areum, and Sehun. You brought Sehun because you needed someone you recognized in order to speak freely. You knew that Sehun would protect you no matter what. He was also a witness for the forensics department at the police station.

He’d be presenting the evidence of all of the harm that came to you.

He went up to the stand, reluctantly leaving you to watch as your ex glared at you. If that wasn’t proof enough, you wondered what would be.

“So, Officer Oh,” your lawyer paced back and forth as she regarded your friend, “you said that the department has examined my client. Describe her injuries for me.” Sehun glanced at you and all you could do was nod. He had to do this - you had to do this.

Sehun cleared his throat. “Well, for starters, we saw her appearance when Officer Zhang and I arrived on the scene. She had bruises along the left side of her face, bruises forming on her neck, and her clothing was ripped. There was also evidence of rape.” You cringed at the word.

“And how long have you been friends with Ms. (Y/L/N)?”

“I’d say almost ten years.” He looked at you and just by your posture he knew you were becoming uncomfortable. Your arms were crossed over your chest and your eyes were everywhere. You were checking your surroundings.

“When you arrived at the scene, what happened?”

“Officer Zhang and I were closest, so we responded first. The house was a mess, a definite sign there had been a struggle.” Sehun’s eyes kept trailing to you, making sure you were comfortable.

“I’m going to have to ask you to stop looking at her, Mr. Oh.” Your lawyer snapped, he reverted his attention and he nodded. She gestured for him to continue.

“After he was arrested -”

“Say his name.” You knew your lawyer had to be thorough, and all Sehun was doing was trying to protect you. He didn’t want to upset you.

“After we arrested Kim Mirung, I went back inside in order to help Ms. (Y/L/N).”

“And what happened?”

“Even after ten years of friendship, she flinched away from me.” The sadness in his voice was evident, even nearly six months after the accident, he regretted not being able to help you. You quickly wiped away the tear that had snuck past without your knowledge.

After a few more questions, your lawyer turned to Mirung’s lawyer.

“Your witness.”

“You said you arrived on the scene and she was already beaten, correct?” Mirung’s lawyer was named Im Sungmin, and he was just like the man he was defending - scum.

“Yes, that’s what I said. Under oath. In a courtroom.” Sehun’s natural sass was coming out and it was clear that he had no respect for the older man.

“Then how did you know that it was Mr. Kim’s doing? What if he had just arrived?” He turned to the jury, as if to get their opinions. None of them were impressed.

“Mr. Kim’s knuckles were completely split down to the bone, sir. It’s safe to say that he was the attacker.” Sehun answered calmly, but you knew how he was. He was probably clenching his fists beneath the podium he sat behind.

“You said she showed signs of rape. What were these signs?”

“There were multiple lacerations of the vaginal wall and her uterus was damaged. She will most likely never have her own children.” The one thing Sehun was bad at keeping hidden was his emotions. His anger and concern showed clearly on his face.

“And how many of these wounds were caused by you?” Sungmin’s words sent the courtroom in an uproar. Your hand shot up to cover your mouth as your eyes welled with tears. Your lawyer stood up, slamming her hands against the table.

“Objection, this is outrageous! Judge Kwon, you can’t actually use this in any records -”

“No,” Sehun stood up, “I’ll answer it.” The courtroom quieted down, as everyone stared at him in shock.

“Sehun, please, don’t -” your lawyer began.

“I’m under oath, aren’t I?” He narrowed his eyes dangerously at Sungmin. “And the truth is what you will get.” He lifted his hand and pointed at you. “That woman over there, is my best friend. She has been since freshman year of high school and I’ll be damned if you ever demean her for something that wasn’t her fault. She was abused for a year and half before she finally broke and called the police. As much as I want to protect her, I’m not here today as her best friend, but an officer of the law. I may be a man, but I’m not scum like you. I don’t get into every woman’s bed, and I also don’t lay my hands on women. With that being said,” he looked at you, “I have never touched her inappropriately, or without permission.” With that, he buttoned his jacket over his shirt. “And I believe if that was your last question, we’ll move on to the next witness.”

“That’s surely enough.” The judge seemingly approved of what Sehun said. He struck the gavel against the wood. “The answer will be recorded. We’ll take an hour recess.”

Sehun walked to you quickly. He smiled at you in an attempt to calm you down as he led you out of the courtroom. He drove you to your favorite restaurant, which was really just a small diner.

“I don’t think I can eat anything.” You shrugged.

“I know it’s hard, but it’ll be over soon. I need you to keep your strength up. At least get some soup or something.” He gave you a small smile, sitting next to you at the table instead of across. He always did that, not that it bothered you in the slightest. Today, it seemed as if there was a reason. Your lawyer sat across from the two of you, and Yixing soon joined after her.

His words kept coming back to you, ‘she will most likely never have her own children’. That was probably what hurt you the most in the long run. The three of them kept discussing the case while you were quiet, slowly eating the soup that Sehun made you order.

With fifteen minutes left, your lawyer and Yixing left, leaving you alone with Sehun and your half eaten bowl of soup.

“Look at me.” He said quietly, his voice was only ever that soft with you. You didn’t hesitate to do what he said.

You looked into his eyes.

“We’re going to win this. He’s never going to hurt you again, okay?” He looked at you until you nodded. Sometimes when he got too close to you, you would flinch or tense up, but that was slowly going away. Sehun was the only man you would feel comfortable with sitting this close to you. Yet still, you were unable to trust anyone completely. Your mind shut him out.

Just as you were about to speak, you heard glass shatter. You gasped quietly, grabbing onto Sehun’s arm. You saw the worry in his eyes as he pulled you closer to him.

“C’mon, we have to go.” He whispered. As he got up, you grabbed onto his hand and followed him, attempting to blink away the memories the glass brought back. He put money down on the table and before you had time to argue he intertwined his fingers with yours and he led you to his car.

“Do you really think we’ll win?” You asked quietly.

“There’s not a chance in Hell that he’ll get out of this, (Y/N).” He looked at you as he turned on his car. “I’ll put him away for a long time, I promise.” You knew Sehun was angry - obviously not with you - and he was dangerous when he was angry. The man who hurt you would never lay a hand on you again, and you knew that for a fact when you had Sehun with you.

“Thank you.” You found his hand again and he gladly held yours, even as he walked you back into the courtroom. The two of you settled down in your seats and the case started once again.

Twenty minutes after being back, it was time for each lawyer's closing statement. Sungmin didn’t have much of one, and once Areum stood up, Sehun gripped your hand tighter.

“We’ve come together in this room to serve justice. You all know the truth in your hearts, but whether you listen to yourselves or not is on you individually. If you choose to set this man free, not only will Ms. (Y/L/N) still be in danger, but so will more women in the future. (Y/N) has nothing to gain from being here today. She isn’t plotting against him, she’s not here for that. The only reason this wasn’t found out earlier was because she loved him, she protected him, no matter the sick things he’s done to her. This includes, beating her until she passed out, raping her, doing whatever he wanted to a body that was not his. Had she not called that day, he could’ve easily taken her life. If you look at her, you’ll see the truth. She was so traumatized that it’s taken her months to even let her best friend hold her hand. Her ability to have children was taken from her by the same man she once saw a future with. Just because they were dating did not give him the right to her body. It did not justify any blows he delivered to her, of any kind. Your purpose here today, is to serve justice.” Areum looked at you from across the courtroom. “So do your job.”

Shortly after her speech, the jury went away to discuss their verdict. Sehun was talking to you, but after only five minutes of deciding, the jury members walked out and retook their seats. The one closest to the judge stood.

“The verdict?”

“Under the charges of domestic violence, we find the defendant guilty as charged.” There was a long pause. “Under the charges of rape, we find the defendant guilty as charged.”

“Very well.” The judge hit the gavel against the wood. “I sentence Kim Mirung to 15 years without parole.” You felt the tears well in your eyes as you grabbed onto Sehun’s sleeve. You tugged on it until he looked at you.

Your heart was beating faster than it ever had before as you wrapped your arms around him. He was shocked at first, you hadn’t gotten this close to him since that day. The most you’d done was hold his hand. He slowly wrapped his arms around you as well, resting his head on top of yours as he held you tightly.

You hadn’t realized exactly what you’d done, but you still felt safe with Sehun. You cried and he held you like his life depended on it.

Just an hour later, he was sprawled out on your couch and you sat at the end. You were slowly beginning to doze off when he realized how tired you were. He sat up, startling you once he touched your shoulder.

“Shit, I’m sorry.” He said quickly. “I didn’t mean to scare you. I was just going to have you go lay down. I can go home.”

“No,” you mumbled quietly, “stay here with me.”

“You’re tired, you need rest.” He replied simply.

“Scared,” you muttered, your eyes barely staying open. Sehun shifted closer to you. He watched as you tensed and he touched your shoulder.

“I’m just going to put you in your room. That’s all I’m going to do, I promise. Do you trust me?” He looked into your drooping eyes, waiting for your approval.

You nodded, only tensing a bit when his arms slid under your body to lift you up. He carried you into your room easily, gently setting you down against your mattress. As long as you looked at him, the way he pulled the covers over you ceased to bother you. He sat on his knees in front of you and he smiled softly.

“Get some rest.” He brushed your hair behind your ear. “You know I’ll protect you.” He placed a gentle kiss against your forehead and you watched as he walked out of your room. He looked at you once more with a smile and a gleam in his eyes that you’d never seen before. He turned the light off and closed the door quietly.

You quickly lulled off into sleep.

When you woke up again, you stirred with a groan. Your dress became uncomfortable, so you stretched before getting up. You unzipped the back of it, sighing as you caught sight of yourself in the mirror. At least the rib he’d broken was almost healed. The bruise was still dark, but lighter by the day.

You slid some sweatpants on and a t-shirt. You walked out of your room, almost confused when you saw Sehun asleep on your couch, his suit jacket it hanging over the top. You sighed, walking back into your room to grab your blanket. You covered him with it, running your fingers gently through his hair. You felt tears well in your eyes again, but you blinked them away. If only you could forget.

If you could forget Mirung, you could love Sehun.

You wanted to love Sehun with all of your heart but you were so scared, so mind blowingly scared, that you couldn’t even bother. Your heart knew he would never hurt you, your heart trusted, but everything in your mind told you to get away. Your fingers trailed from his hair to the soft skin of his cheek.

You remembered the gleam in his eyes and wondered if he had somehow fallen in love with you - fallen in love with the broken shell of a woman that you were. You took a deep, shaky breath before you walked away from him. You grabbed your laptop and went online to order a pizza for the both of you.

No matter how much you tried, Sehun wouldn’t leave your thoughts. You thought about how happy you could be with him, how easy it would be to trust him.

But you couldn’t trust anybody, at least not yet.

It would take time for your heart to heal and you hoped he would wait for you. You sat at your kitchen table for a while, not really wanting to wake him up.

Until he woke up, you really, truly wondered if you could ever love him without hesitation.

The next six months, you slowly began to get better. All your physical bruises had healed and you were able to laugh more. You slept well at night knowing that he couldn’t hurt you while he was in prison. He couldn’t, and for now, you were safe.

Sehun was taking you out to dinner, attempting to erase any harm that your abuser had caused you. With Sehun’s help, you could now talk openly about it. If you got asked a question, you’d be able to answer. Sehun was able to touch you without warning you first, it was almost like you were you again.

It was exactly a year after you’d gotten away from him. Sehun knew what this meant and neither of you liked it. Every time you saw the date, whether it was on your phone or elsewhere, whatever smile you had would fade.

If you heard glass shatter, it still sent you into a panic. If someone raised their voices at you, you’d flinch. Your boss hadn’t known what happened to you, and you had to explain after you calmed down from a panic attack in the middle of his office.

After that, he was nicer to you, he tried to be sympathetic with you.

Sehun showed up at your apartment at exactly four o’clock in the afternoon, ready to escort you to a fancy dinner which you were eager to avoid. You knew it was for the best, so you just listened to Sehun. He watched as you curled your hair and put on your makeup. You pushed him out of the room so you could change, finding a dress you hadn’t worn in a long time. It was a burgundy color, it was tighter than what you usually wore and fell down to about mid thigh.

You shouted that he could come back in and you saw the shock on his face.

“What? Is it bad?” You tilted your head to the side.

“No, exactly the opposite. It’s good. Really good.” He nodded, giving you a small smile. “Oh, that reminds me. I have something for you.” He searched his pockets. “Hold up, it’s in my jacket.”

He came back holding his jacket and a small box. He handed you the box almost nervously and put his jacket on over his white shirt. You opened the box and your jaw dropped. The necklace was on a silver chain, a pretty stone in the middle that you could only hope was a fake diamond.

“Sehun, please tell me this is fake.” You whispered breathlessly.

“What kind of best friend would I be if I didn’t buy you things?” He shrugged.

“A regular one!” You put your hand over your heart. “I can’t take this, it’s way too much, I’d be buying you food for the rest of our lives -”

“I don’t want anything in return.” He told you. He took the box from your hand, taking the necklace out of it. He walked behind you, moving your hair. “This is the least I can give you.” Your heart was beating a thousand times faster than it should’ve been. He clasped the necklace, letting it rest around your neck. The material was cold against your skin but you welcomed it.

You turned to look at him, having to glance up to find his eyes. They held the same gleam you’d seen quite often by now, and you’d begun to realize what it meant. Your mind was a whirl of anxiety and you were sure he could tell.

“I’d never hurt you.” He whispered before grabbing your hand. “Let’s go, we’ve got a reservation.” You easily followed him, not minding the way his fingers naturally intertwined with yours.

You loved Sehun, you knew you did. You also knew that he loved you. The way he took care of you, his gentleness, the gleam in his eyes, and now the necklace, you knew.

The two of you had a great time at the restaurant. You were comfortable enough now that he could sit across from you. You found an undeniable happiness consume you when you were with Sehun.

You had at least three glasses of wine and you were in a good state of mind. Like this, you could let go of your fears and love Sehun. You could love him and you loved that. Once it was over, you felt your good mood dampen.

Sehun would have to leave you at your apartment alone. The idea scared you, especially on this day. Sehun had always been careful with you, supportive, and kind. He waited for you. Maybe he would stay with you.

He led you up to your apartment and the two of you stopped outside of the door.

“Did you have fun?” He asked you.

“More than I’ve had in a long time, Sehun.” You told him honestly, not ready to release your grip on his arm.

“I’m glad.” He smiled at you. “I should go now, it’s late and you’ve got to -”

“Will you stay with me? I don’t want to be alone tonight. You have stuff to change into here and you always used to stay before -”

“I-I don’t think that’s a good idea.” He said quietly, running his fingers through his hair.

“Why?” You pouted, tugging on his sleeve. “I miss our sleepovers.”

“I do too, (Y/N), but there’s...something you should know. Before I keep hanging around you.” He began.

“Is everything alright?” You frowned.

“I think so, yeah.” He nodded slowly. “I just...I can’t hide this from you anymore. I know it’s unfair of me to say this to you, but I really don’t expect anything right now. I want you to take your time and think it through, okay?”

“Sehun…” you looked at him, “are you going to tell me that you’re in love with me?” You saw the flash of vulnerability in his eyes that you’d never seen before.

“That’s exactly what I’m telling you.”

“I don’t need time to think it through.” You shook your head. “What I need is for you to give me time to figure myself out. I do love you, I know that, but I’m…”

“You’re what?”

“I’m damaged, Sehun.” Your eyes welled with tears. “There’s something about you that makes me feel like I’ll actually be okay, you know. I just...I look at myself and see scars that were forced onto me. There’s emotional and physical scars that will never go away and I’m so terrified that you’ll see them.” Your voice shook as you spoke, clenching tighter onto his sleeve.

“Listen to me,” he whispered, moving his hand up to cup your cheek, “I love you. I don’t expect you to be perfect by any means, I don’t expect you to be perfectly new after what happened to you. I don’t care if it takes years for you to open up to me, I’ll be here.”

“I love you and I know it in my heart but my mind...it’s trying to tell me that this is a bad idea.” A tear fell down your cheek but Sehun quickly wiped it with his thumb.

“And is this a bad idea?” He asked.

“No.”

“Good.” He took your breath away when he kissed you. Your mind melted away and your heart took control. Your own hands reached up to him, holding onto him like your life depended on it.

When he pulled away, his forehead rested against yours. He attempted to control his breathing.

“Was that okay?” He asked, his eyes flashing with worry. “I should’ve asked -”

“It was more than okay, Sehun.” You reassured him.

“Let’s get some sleep.” He said softly, agreeing to stay with you. You unlocked the door and for some reason you were nervous. This was your best friend, why were you scared? You knew he’d never hurt you.

The two of you entered your bedroom and you made him turn around so you could change. It was hot in your house, so you put shorts and a tank top on before you found stuff for him to sleep in.

Once the two of you had changed, you let him crawl into your bed first. It wouldn’t be the first time you shared a bed with Sehun. You’d be lying if you said that you didn’t have ulterior motives. You wanted to see just how far you could push yourself with him.

“Sehun,” you whispered, waiting until he turned to you, “can you do something for me?”

“Anything.” He replied. Satisfied with his answer, you leaned forward and kissed him, slowly at first. When his hand touched your hip, he felt you flinch. “Not this. You’re not ready.” He gently pushed you away, making eye contact with you.

“I’ll know when I’m ready, Sehun. I want this to happen.”

“What if I hurt you?” It was genuine fear you saw in his eyes.

“You won’t, Sehun, I trust you.” You reached up and cupped his cheek, running your thumb along his skin. You were able to prevent yourself from flinching away from his touch. All you had to do was tell yourself that this was your best friend, the one who would never hurt you.

“I’ll know if you’re uncomfortable.” He whispered against your lips. “You can’t hide it from me.” He kissed you again, then moved to your jawline, then to your neck. You felt it again, the undeniable sensation of fear and you knew he felt it too.

“Sehun, I want th-”

“You might want it but your body’s rejecting me, (Y/N). You don’t have to force yourself to do anything. I told you I would wait for you.” He sighed. “I’m not going to do this because I love you, you know that, right?”

“Are you leaving?” You frowned. “I won’t do it again, I’m sorry. Don’t leave.”

“No, I’m not leaving. It’s time for bed, okay? We can talk more in the morning.” He laid on his side, facing you but not close enough for your liking. Sehun was the only man you could get close to. He was the only one you trusted. You slowly scooted towards him, burying your head into his chest and you felt his arms wrap securely around you.

“I love you.” You whispered quietly.

“I love you so much more than you know.” He replied, kissing the top of your head.

You woke up the next morning when Sehun was getting up to get ready for work. You sat up, one of your eyes closed as you adjusted to the light shining through the blinds.

“You’re leaving?”

“I’m afraid I have to. I didn’t mean to wake you up.”

“Can’t you call in or something? We still have to talk.” You stretched your arms.

“Unfortunately, I can’t do that as a police officer.” He chuckled quietly. He walked over to you, cupping your cheek before kissing you gently. “I’ll come back after work.”

“Promise?”

“I promise.”

“Fine, I’ll walk you out.” You led him to your door, allowing him to kiss you again.

“I love you.” He hummed against your lips.

“I love you too.” You replied easily. He touched your arm gently before he left, leaving you unsure of what you were going to do next. You watched a couple movies on netflix, and you had no idea when you’d fallen back asleep.

You woke up to the sound of your door opening. You shot up, feeling yourself tense up immediately. You had kept a knife in the drawer of your nightstand just in case anything were to happen. You opened your bedroom door and saw Sehun.

You groaned in relief, and you saw his eyes travel down to your hand.

“Are you going to kill me?” He said, humor laced in his tone. You rolled your eyes and put the knife back.

“I keep it in my nightstand.” You explained once you walked back out. “What are you doing here, aren’t you still supposed to be working?”

“(Y/N), it’s almost five o’clock. I got out an hour ago.” He walked to you, a small smile on his face. “I only had to arrest one guy today, it was really boring. But it did give me time to think about you.”

“What about me?”

“Just how lucky I am that you’ve become comfortable with me. I remember when you could barely hold my hand and I really, really wanted to bash that asshole’s face in.” He shook his head. “You’ve gotten so much better and I’m so proud of you.”

“I’m only better because I’ve had your help, Sehun, I feel safe with you.”

“You are safe with me, (Y/N), I’ll never hurt you.” He pulled you into a hug and you didn’t hesitate anymore.

“I know.”

“Let’s talk now, okay?” He pulled you into the kitchen and the two of you sat at your table.

���I’m sorry,” you blushed, shaking your head, “I shouldn’t have asked you that last night.”

“Don’t apologize, I just don’t want you to do anything you’re not ready for. I want you, I don’t care if that offers anything or not. We can go as slow, or as fast, as you’d like as long as I know you’re comfortable with me.” He seemed just as awkward as you but you could hear the truth in his words.

“And what if I can’t?”

“It doesn’t matter.” He shook his head. “I promised I would protect you and I love you, whether you can do things or not is not a factor in how I feel about you.”

“I-I don’t know what happened last night, I knew it was you and I know I’m comfortable around you. I closed my eyes and...and I think it was your breathing.” You sighed, shaking your head. “That’s ridiculous, because you obviously have to breathe, but…”

“You’ll get better with time,” Sehun squeezed your hand, “don’t force yourself to do things because that’ll make you hate me. I don’t want you to hate me.”

“I could never hate you.” You told him honestly. “I just want you to be happy.”

“You have no idea how happy I am.” He chuckled. “Just having you like this makes me happy. But...there should be some guidelines. I want to know what you’re uncomfortable with.”

It was hard, bringing back memories so you could tell Sehun everything. He listened to you easily and he made you feel comfortable talking about it.

After the long talk with Sehun, he stayed and watched a movie with you. You leaned against him and his arm was draped over you. About halfway through the movie, his phone began ringing.

He excused himself to the kitchen to answer, saying it was Yixing. You didn’t even try to listen to him, he was far too quiet and you actually were invested in the movie you were watching.

You saw the look on Sehun’s face. Something happened. He sat down next to you again but you paused the movie.

“What is it?” You asked him, but he avoided your gaze.

“It’s nothing, just play the movie.” He cleared his throat, but you could tell he was distracted.

“It’s clearly not nothing, Sehun.” You frowned. “What’s wrong?”

“Mirung is dead.” He told you. The shock flooded you before anything else could. You felt the tears fill your eyes almost instantly as you backed up from Sehun.

“What do you mean? How? I thought he was in jail?” You stood from the couch and Sehun’s eyes followed you.

“H-he was. I don’t think I should tell you how.” Sehun took a deep breath, and you knew he didn’t want you to ask any more questions. You had to know. You had to know how your abuser had gotten away from his punishment.

“Please, Sehun, I deserve to know.”

“The other inmates figured out what he was there for.” Sehun stared at the TV screen, unable to make eye contact with you. “They beat him to death.” You felt your heart clench and your mind crumbled. Panic whirled through you and you felt your chest tightening.

“You’re lying.” You breathed out almost pathetically.

“I’ve never lied to you.” He whispered.

“But...he...I…” You stood from the couch, calling out in surprise when he wrapped his fingers around your wrist. He pulled back immediately, the shock on his face was evident.You could feel your heart beating, the blood running through your veins. You saw his face but your mind didn’t see him. Panic began to set in and you backed away from him.

He stood up, his eyes wide with worry. You ran into the plant stand by your door and the vase fell to the ground. When it shattered, you screamed, your legs giving out beneath you and your hands shooting to cover your ears. You curled into yourself, trying to make yourself as small as you could possibly be.

You felt Sehun’s hands but your mind told you it wasn’t Sehun. It wasn’t him trying to help you up, he wasn’t trying to help you, whoever this was, was going to hurt you. He was pulling you towards him and all you could do was fight against him. All you could do was struggle to get away from him.

You could hear him talking, but you didn’t process it. He was probably threatening you - you kept fighting against him. His arms wrapped around you and you were sure it was all over for you.

“It’s okay, (Y/N), I’ve got you. I won’t let him hurt you again. He’ll never hurt you again.” You slowly began to recognize the voice. You were shaking as your surroundings came back to you.

“S-Sehun?” You whispered quietly. You heard him sigh in relief as you slowly felt yourself relax. You were in his lap, his arms wrapped tightly around you in order to stop you from lashing out. He slowly loosened his grip and you saw what you’d done. There were deep red scratch marks on his arms, a couple of them actually bleeding. You looked at him and gasped, his lip was bleeding.

“I promised that I wouldn’t let anybody hurt you. Come on, get away from the glass.” His voice was soft as he helped you stand.

“I-I’m sorry that I hurt you.” You frowned. “Let me help you like you help me.” You brought him into your bathroom. You got your first aid kit out and focused on his arms first. He flinched a bit once the alcohol touch the wounds, but you effectively put bandages on the scratches that had begun bleeding.

“Don’t be sorry, you were panicking.” His hand trailed up to your face, making you look at him. “I told you that I’d protect you, even if it’s from myself.”

It took a couple days for the scratches to heal, but almost a whole week for his lip. You attempted to keep your distance from him in order to stop yourself from potentially hurting him again. You couldn’t stand being the reason for his pain. He hardly allowed that, he often showed up uninvited and demanded that you go somewhere with him.

You were getting ready to go out with him again. You wore a simple light blue dress, not forgetting to put on the shining necklace Sehun had given to you. Your fingers ran over it as your bedroom door opened. You saw Sehun in the mirror you were standing in front of.

“How’d you know that shade of blue was my favorite?” He chuckled, wrapping his arms around your waist and resting his head on your shoulder.

“And here I thought red was your favorite color.” You narrowed your eyes at him.

“It was until I saw you in this color.” His words made your heart flutter. “Thank you for enlightening me.” Your fingers still traced over the necklace.

“Sehun, are we best friends?”

“Of course we are.” He replied easily.

“Is that...all we are?” You watched his face in the mirror as you waited a few moments in silence for his answer.

“Is that what you want?” He asked you.

“I’m asking if that’s what you want.” You put your hands over his. “I don’t want you to feel like you have to hold back with me.”

“Then that’s definitely not what I want.” He breathed.

“What do you want then, Sehun?”

“I want you. I want you to feel safe with me and I want you to trust me more than anything. I want you to know that you can rely on me and that you can love me. I would never hurt you.” He said it so confidently that you had no choice but to believe him. You turned to face him, your hands on his chest while his rested on the small of your back.

“I’m scared.” You looked into his eyes and couldn’t help but think of how they sparkled. They sparkled in the dim light of the lamp on your nightstand.

“I know, but you don’t have to be.” There was something within the silence after that. All the words that could never be spoken out loud were said by the quiet. The smile he gave you was so small that it was almost non existent, but when he leaned towards you, his eyes fluttering closed…

You finally escaped your mind. You closed the distance, gently pressing your lips against his. For once, your mind was silenced and your heart took over. You moved your hands to his hair, feeling the soft locks with your fingers as you moved closer to him.

“Is it too late to ask you to be my girlfriend?” He chuckled against your lips.

“What a stupid question.” You rolled your eyes.

“Is that a -”

“It means you’re a bit late, but sure, I’ll be your girlfriend.” Your words made him laugh before he kissed you again, his grip on you tightened, pulling you as close to him as you possibly could be.

“Better late than never.”

It took another three months for you to be sure you were completely comfortable with Sehun. If it was possible, he spoiled you even more now than he had before as your best friend. You had no idea how to bring the topic up to him. There was no way he would bring it up and you knew that.

You’d slowly allowed your heart to take control, even over your mind. You would no longer flinch when he touched you unexpectedly, you welcomed it now. You welcomed him.

There was a banquet in honor of the police department and as Sehun’s girlfriend, you were invited as well. Sehun made sure (at least fifty times) that you were okay with going with him, because no matter how much he wanted you to go, if you were uncomfortable with it, he would never make you go anywhere.

It was a party. You enjoyed it and you were glad Sehun never left your side. He proudly introduced you as his girlfriend to those who had never met you before. It was nice to have people not know who you were, you wanted the past to be over.

Sehun leaned down to your ear. “Would you like something to drink?” When you told him that you would pass, he went to grab his own drink and you waited for him. You felt a tap on your shoulder and you turned around, facing whoever it was with a smile.

It dropped as soon as you saw who it was.

“Sungmin.”

“(Y/N), I know the first time we met wasn’t under the best circumstances -”

“You mean when you tried to accuse my best friend of raping me?” You tilted your head a bit, surprised on how the topic didn’t send you into a panic.

“I don’t think I...that’s not the point. I didn’t come here to bring up old memories, old hardships. I just wanted to apologize. I didn’t realize how much pain you would go through because of that.” Sungmin looked genuine but you didn’t think you would ever find it within yourself to forgive him.

“You...didn’t expect to bring me pain by trying to say I was lying about my abuse? There’s only one proper response to that and that’s fuck off.” You scoffed, turning away from him.

He grabbed your wrist and everything Sehun had taught you kicked in. You jerked your wrist away and turned back to him.

“Don’t touch me.”

“You have to understand -”

“She doesn’t have to understand anything.” Finally, Sehun returned. He wrapped his arm protectively around your waist as he regarded Sungmin. “I’m only going to ask you one time to step away.”

Understanding that there was a threat laced under his words, Sungmin backed down quickly. You released your tight grip on Sehun, muttering a quick apology.

“Are you alright?” He asked quietly.

“I’m surprisingly fine.” You chuckled. “Let’s just enjoy ourselves, okay?”

The two of you spent the rest of the night laughing and dancing to the music. At one point during your dance, you had to stop because you were laughing so hard. He just pulled you close and laughed with you.

“Shit, I’m so in love with you.” Before you could respond, he caught your lips with his. You kissed him back easily, hoping he would get his response through that.

“Damn, Sehun, let her breathe.” You recognized Yixing’s voice. The two of you broke apart to face your friend of ten years.

“I was breathing just fine, Xing.” You chuckled, leaning against Sehun’s shoulder.

“I’m glad to hear that.” Yixing smiled at you. “Sehun, can I talk to you for a moment?” Sehun nodded, kissing the top of your head before following Yixing. It was only a few minutes before Sehun returned and before you could ask questions he spoke to you.

“We should get going, it’s almost midnight. Are you ready?”

“Oh, yeah. Are you staying with me tonight?” You asked him allowing him to lead you to his car.

“If that’s what you want.” He smiled at you.

The two of you arrived at your apartment and you realized just how tired you actually were. He followed you to your bedroom. He stopped moving around when he noticed you looking at him.

“Is everything alright?” He asked with a worried frown.

“Sehun…” you paused, “I’m ready.” He walked to you slowly, almost hesitant in his actions. He placed you in front of the mirror, standing behind you.

“Are you sure about this?” He whispered. “You’ll be able to see that it’s me.”

“Completely sure.” You said back, confidence in your tone. He looked at you in the mirror, seeing the look on your face confirmed that you were. He gave you a small smile before you felt his fingers push your hair away from your neck.

Your breath hitched as his lips made contact with your skin.

“Relax,” he told you, “it’s just me.” His fingers then found the zipper of your dress. The you just last week would’ve tensed and pushed him away, but the you now trusted him more than you ever had.

He unzipped it slowly, allowing it to pool at your feet. You turned towards him, stepping out of the fabric before you pushed his jacket off his shoulders. Your fingers were steady as you unbuttoned his shirt, maintaining eye contact with him.

You weren’t nervous, but he was. You could see it in his eyes. You kissed him, unbuttoning the last button of his shirt and sending that to the floor as well. Your fingers tangled in his hair and you allowed him to walk you backwards until the back of your knees hit your bed.

Instead of letting you fall onto the mattress, his arm wrapped around you and gently placed you against it. He climbed over you, his face just centimeters from yours.

“I love you.” He whispered.

“I love you too.” You gave him a smile and you arched into his touch once his lips found your neck. Your eyes fluttered closed once his teeth gently scraped against your skin. One of his hands trailed up and down your thigh, the action actually driving you crazy.

You felt your wetness begin to soak the material of your panties, something that hadn’t ever happened to you. You let out a quick moan when his tongue joined his lips on your neck. He let out his own sound in response.

His fingers trailed over the hem of your panties and you silently begged for him to continue. He did, slipping his hand under the material. He did so cautiously, feeling your fingernails dig into his shoulders when his finger traced over your slit.

“Are you okay?” He asked, his voice strained.

“Yes, I’m ready for you, Sehun, I promise.” You kissed him to reassure him, gasping against his lips when you felt his finger slowly enter you. You would’ve assumed that it was going to be uncomfortable, but once he started moving his finger inside you, you felt pleasure. A pleasure that you hadn’t felt in the longest time.

The fact that the man above you was Sehun increased your pleasure. He was everything to you. Your best friend, the man who helped you in every way he could.

He slid a second finger in along with his first, a shaky moan leaving your lips as he kept a steady pace. You could already feel something within you tightening. You let out small moans against Sehun’s lips, and he sped up a little bit.

When you hit your high, you arched your back and loud moan escaped your lips. At the sound, Sehun had stopped his lips against your neck, his breathing unsteady as he pulled his fingers out of you.

“It’s not too late to say no.” His voice was thick as he spoke to you.

“Sehun, I promise that I’ll tell you if I’m uncomfortable. I want you.” You cupped his cheek, running your thumb over his skin. His hand that still rested in your panties pushed them down your legs, leaving you to kick them off completely. His hands trailed behind your back to find the clasp of your bra.

He sat up on his knees to work on his belt buckle. Your eyes traveled down to the very evident bulge straining against the black pants he wore. You hadn’t meant to stare but when you realized Sehun’s hands had stopped moving, you looked up at his face.

“You’re making me nervous.” He whined, making you laugh.

“You act like I’ve never seen you naked before.” You scoffed.

“Yeah, that was like seven years ago and it was...different.” He sighed. “I wasn’t...hard.” He paused at the word with a small cringe and you started giggling.

“You act like it makes a difference whether you’re hard or not.” You groaned, grabbing a pillow to cover your eyes with it.

“It does, it’s bigger when it’s hard.” He was pouting, you could tell by the whininess of his voice. You fell silent as you heard the undoing of his belt and then the rustle of fabric. There was a dip in the bed and you knew he was over you again. He moved the pillow away from your face, the pout replaced with a soft look.

“How much bigger?” You couldn’t say it with a straight face, and you suddenly burst out laughing.

“Stop laughing at me!” He whined, but ultimately laughing with you. “You’re so lucky I love you.”

“That’s the first right thing I’ve heard come out of your mouth today.” You feigned a gasp, watching as he rolled his eyes. Your own eyes widened when you felt his tip press against you. Your body shifted but you weren’t uncomfortable.

“Are you completely sure you’re ready for this?” He asked.

“I’ll tell you if I’m uncomfortable, Sehun. You’d probably know before I did anyway.” You smiled reassuringly at him, he was the only one who was nervous. He leaned down and stopped just before his lips touched yours.

“Just remember that you can stop me whenever you want. And tell me if it hurts.” He kissed you gently and you felt pressure against your entrance. Your first instinct was to move away, and if the man above you was anyone other than Sehun, you would’ve. Instead, you spread your legs further and gripped him tighter.

Your breathing had already begun to pick up with his tip inside you. He slowly pushed his hips closer to yours, his eyes watching your face for any sign of discomfort. He buried himself inside you and still with no sign of discomfort, he sat there for a moment.

“How do you feel?” He asked, his voice shaky with what you could only assume was desire.

“Honestly?” You smiled at him. “I feel free.” You pulled him down to kiss him and you lifted your hips up. He gasped against your lips, shifting a bit in his attempt to make sure you were okay.

Despite the situation, the look on his face proved to you just how much he really cared for you. At your words, he was smiling. All he had ever wanted was to help you heal and that was exactly what he’d done.

“You can move, Sehun.” You chuckled. He nodded, slowly pulling his hips back to push against yours once more. The friction made you moan, everything about the way he filled you was right.

“I fucking love you so much.” He set a steady pace, one that wasn’t too much for you while still satisfying both of you. A thin sheet of sweat had already began to cover your skin. You never thought you’d be able to have sex again, that you’d be able to trust anyone enough ever again, but here he was - making you defy even your own logic.

“I love you more,” you replied easily, lifting your hips to meet his thrusts.

“Sorry, I don’t think that’s possible.” His lips traveled down to your neck, sucking and nipping at the skin. You wrapped your legs around his waist, long moans escaping both of you as he got deeper inside you.

There was an undeniable warmth spreading through you that sent pleasure all the way to the tips of your toes. There was a tight coil in your stomach ready to unravel and the way Sehun rubbed against your walls was making it easy to prepare for that moment.

“Sehun, I -”

“I know, I’m right here. Hold onto me.” He whispered, even though his voice had become heavy. You dug your nails into his shoulders as you prepared for what was about to happen to you.

You moaned louder than you had that night as your high hit you intensely. Your thighs shook and you lost control of your body as the pleasure consumed you. Just as you could make sense of your surroundings, you heard a low moan tumble from Sehun’s lips. He kissed you deeply before you felt his cum spill inside you.

You gasped at the sensation, finding it weird that you could enjoy it with him.

“Shit, I’m sorry, I didn’t even ask if -”

“Sehun, calm down.” You were out of breath as you made him look at you. “I’ve enjoyed every moment we’ve spent together.” He smiled and kissed you softly before pulling out of you. He pulled the blankets over the two of you, throwing his arm over your waist.

You turned to face him, running your fingers through his hair.

“When I asked you how you felt, what did you mean by ‘free’?” He asked you.

“I finally feel like I have control over my life now. I feel free in my choice to love you.” You explained. “It’s hard to describe, but I would still be a wreck if I didn’t have you. You’ve set me free, Sehun.”

“Come here,” he pulled you close to his chest, “we both need rest.”

You had no trouble falling asleep in his arms.

When you woke up in the morning, Sehun was still sound asleep next to you. You smiled at his sleeping form as you remembered the night before. He’d been so gentle with you, so understanding - all because he was in love with you.

You quickly and carefully got out of your bed, going into your drawer for some clean panties before you grabbed his shirt off the floor, buttoning it over yourself. You went into your bathroom to brush your teeth before you walked into the kitchen.

You started your preparation of pancakes, hoping he wouldn’t wake up too early. He was still asleep when you finished the pancakes so you decided it was time to take things into your own hands.

You entered your bedroom, leaning against the doorframe once you saw him half awake in your bed.

“What kind of world did I save in my past life to deserve a sight like this?” He grinned, sitting up.

“I’m pretty sure you would’ve destroyed the world if you had the opportunity.” You teased him. “Come eat, I made pancakes.”

“You’re using food to bribe me out of bed, how unfair is that?” He faked a groan as he stood from the bed. You admired his butt as he found his boxers. He looked over his shoulder, almost like he knew you’d be watching.

He smirked at you and you couldn’t help but roll your eyes. You waited until he’d found some sweatpants and a t-shirt of his to put on.

The two of you sat at your table eating breakfast before he brought it up.

“How long do you think you have to date someone before you get married?” He asked, nearly making you choke on your pancake.

“Oh, um, I don’t know.”

“C’mon, is it a few months? A year? A few years? Ten?” He tilted his head at you.

“I guess it depends on the people, you know? Everyone’s different.” You shrugged, hoping he would drop the topic.

“Us. I’m talking about us.” He said it easily. “I know it might not be the first thing on your mind but I’ve loved you for so long and I...really want to prove that to you.”

“You have proved that to me, Sehun, but I...can’t get married.”

“Why?” He frowned. You saw the hurt clearly on his face.

“Because I know you, and you’ll want children eventually and I...I can’t give you that.” You cleared your throat, feeling an old wound being reopened. He’d said it himself in court that no doctor believed you’d be able to have children.

“I know the things you can’t do, (Y/N), and if I cared about that, why would I bring up marriage? Bring our relationship this far? I’m in love with you, and I’m afraid that’s never gonna change. I’m not in this for what you can give me, I’m in this for you, I thought I’d proved that enough by now.” He reached across the table and touched your hand with his own. You felt the tears well in your eyes and you immediately shook your head.

“I’m sorry, you’ve done nothing but prove yourself and I’m being so unfair -”

“No you’re not, you’re still healing.” He defended you. “Some things take longer than others to heal. You might never heal from the fact that you can’t have children, but that doesn’t make me love you or want you any less. Just tell me how long you want to wait until you can marry me.”

Six months after your conversation, Sehun had begun to move into your apartment. The two of you were more than excited and you felt like you fell in love with him even more each day.

It had come to the point where Sehun spent more time at your apartment than his own, so you proposed that he moved in with you. He didn’t hesitate to say yes. Life had become easier for you to live the longer you spent time with him. He was still as gentle and sweet as he had been since the beginning.

He loved you and he was sure nothing would ever change that. It was thanks to Sehun that you could be yourself again. Of course, there were setbacks - there always was - but he still stayed strong and helped you through them.

Now you barely flinched when someone touched you randomly. You didn’t get scared when glass shattered. You were well enough that you and Sehun could have sex often. He had set you free and while sex didn’t seem like a big deal to most people, it required more than just trust on your part.

In every way, you loved him. You loved the way he laughed at the worst times, the way he held you when you needed him, even the way he (unfortunately) giggled whenever the word ‘penis’ was mentioned. Every time he laughed, you laughed whether you wanted to or not.

Sehun really was the one for you, and no matter how much you knew that, the fact that you’d never give him children was what held you back. Sehun had known, even from a young age, that he wanted children. What use did you have? What could you give him?

Nothing except for yourself.

And while he insisted that that was enough, you weren’t convinced.

That’s how the two of you ended up in your shared apartment, you once again rejecting his proposal, even if the first one hadn’t been proper. This time he had a ring, it sparkled beautifully in the light but you could never take away his chance at children.

“I don’t get it.” He breathed out. “I’ve been so patient with everything but this...I don’t want to wait for this.”

“I know, Sehun, I’m sorry, but I can’t.” You attempted to reason with him.

“Yes, you can, (Y/N), we’ve been over this. I don’t want children if I can’t have you, and if having you means no children, I’m fine with that. Why can’t you see what I’m saying?” He had never even shown the slightest bit of anger towards you until now.

“Because, I - every time that I think of marrying you, I think of children. When I think about children, I think about what he took from me. I don’t want to think about him for the rest of my life.” You felt your eyes well with tears and Sehun turned away from you.

“Why should you be punished for what he did to you?”

“Because I should’ve stopped him, Sehun, I should’ve gotten away when it first happened. I should’ve fucking gone to you before it got that bad. It-it’s my fault that this happened to me, so why should you be punished for my stupidity?” You shouldn’t have raised your voice at him, but when you saw his face drop into sadness, it was your turn to look away from him.

“Please don’t ever blame yourself.” His own voice was shaky, like he was on the verge of tears as well. “You weren’t stupid, (Y/N), you loved him. What he did to you...it’s not your fault. It never has been and it never will be. B-but we can put all of this behind us, we really can. If we get married, you’ll be doing the things he tried to prevent. Don’t let him win.”

Sehun’s words set in and you agreed.

You wouldn’t let him win.

You certainly didn’t let him win as you walked down the aisle to find Sehun waiting for you, a big smile on his face as he took in your appearance. You could tell he was nervous by the way his palms sweat, by the way he was shaking.

“You look beautiful.” He whispered to you, making a warm blush spread across your cheeks.

When Sehun read you his vows, you knew you’d never forget a single word that he said.

“I vow to always protect you, to always love you, and to always understand you. We have been through so, so much together, and I am absolutely in love with you. You were like a blessing when you first came into my life as you still are now. I remember when you were just seventeen years old, you always wondered who you would marry one day and I told you nobody because I was a dumbass seventeen year old boy. I realized that as you talked about marrying someone else, I could only think of marrying you. We have faced...so many hardships, too many to count, and you are the strongest woman I’ve ever known. And yes, I vow to love and protect and understand you, but my most important vow is that I will never hurt you, because to hurt you is to hurt myself.”

#sehun #sehun imagine #sehun angst #sehun fluff #sehun smut #sehun fic #exo sehun #exo imagine #exo #exo angst #exo fluff #exo smut #exo fic

[mental-health-advice]

Submission tagged Coffee Addict

It’s okay if it takes a while for a reply I think I just need to vent. I’m off my meds (they made me so anxious and nauseous it was awful) and I haven’t seen my psych in months. My mom had a psychotic episode and went missing for five days only to show up naked at a neighbor’s. She’d already been unfairly sanctioned less than two months before so she refused to go back to the mental facility and–surprise–that’s where I went too. So she didn’t trust them anymore and I had to say goodbye to my mental health care after missing my last two appts for the same reason. I wasn’t mad at first. My last conversation with my psych was normal–he upped by dose, asked about seeing/hearing things, the usual. I was only on anti-psychotics nothing for anxiety and I was trying to see if he’d give me something and I was about to leave when I remembered ‘oh yeah, hey doc, I really want to gouge my eyes out sometimes. It’s so strong sometimes I just feel my eyeballs to figure out how I’d do it’ and I honestly didn’t think it was a big deal. I’d had the feeling for almost a year itd come and go and I obvs hadnt done anything yet. He made me get my mom (before the sanctioning incident) and sat her down with me to explain to her about the eye thing. Apparently its not that uncommon and with my family’s mental history and my own psychosis he wanted to make sure someone knew to get me help if I needed to go to the hospital. He asked me about mirrors bc schizophrenics who want to gouge out their eyes are normally also scared of mirrors and my mom was in the room and I didn’t want to admit that I think they’re a portal to another dimension. So I havent seen him since and i really miss him we didnt have long together but he genuinely listened to and believed me and I really think I just need that now. My family situation is so screwed up we couldn’t afford the meds even if we could afford the appts. With my meds gone my anxiety is normal again but the depression is back and Ive honestly come close to ending it three times in the past 3-4months. I just feel adrift. Im seeing stuff as always and hearing things but ive just gone back to ignoring everything like I used to instead of taking notes for my psych. the eye thing has gotten better and when I do feel the urge it isnt as strong as it was on abilify. rispirdome made my psychosis worse and now I think the abiify was too. I wouldnt mind going back on abilify as long as i had something for anxiety and ive already made up my mind if i ever get to see a psych again ill tell them exactly that. i dont want to stop seeing and hearing things tho if you can believe it. when my depression went away i felt lost but when my visions faded? i felt like i lost an arm. or my eyes. i was there to get a diagnosis for just what my psychosis was and now i feel like ill never find out whats wrong with me. i get tactile visual and auditory things, the eye thing was the only delusion i told him about. the relationship was very new and i didnt want to reveal how crazy i was just yet. now ill never get the chance. i just feel so alone and i dont know what to do with myself. at least im not disassociating 24/7 anymore.

Hi lovely,

I’m sorry to hear that you are struggling with anxiety and psychosis, I can only imagine how hard this must be for you. I think it’s great that you have reached out for help though, that’s such a positive step towards recovery! Hopefully I’ll be able to give you a little advice to make things a bit easier for you. 

I am not a professional, so cannot diagnose you in any way, but there are a couple of things I want to point out. Firstly, hallucinations can be caused by many things, such as a side effect of medication, a lack of sleep and nutrition, and of course mental illness. You mention that you struggle with anxiety - anxiety can cause psychotic symptoms such as hallucinations, so there is the possibility that you are not struggling with psychosis, just a severe anxiety disorder. I really recommend that you go to your doctor about this, as they will be able to discuss properly with you the possible causes and treatments for what you are experiencing. The other things is concerning your medication - because everybody’s bodies work differently, medication can be really tricky, because one medication will not work the same for lots of people. This means that it can take a lot of trial and error before you find a medication which is right and effective for you; there are many different medications that you can try that your body will likely react better to. Again, this is something to discuss with your doctor, and remember that it may take a while before you find the best course of treatment, but there will be something you can try that will work better for you - please don’t give up!

Something that may help you to separate your hallucinations from your daily life, is journaling. You could write about your hallucinations in as much detail as you wanted so then you have a permanent and clear picture of your hallucinations. You could also try writing only about the things you know are real; this could help you to keep a clearer idea of what is real and what is a hallucination and may make recognising the hallucinations easier. Anything that can help you stay more in touch with reality is really useful, so along with journaling, it might be useful for you to keep some grounding techniques in mind that you could use whenever you are beginning to hallucinate. We have a page about grounding techniques here; I would recommend something physical like running your hands under ice cold water or counting out the change in your purse, or even something like jumping up and down on the spot. Grounding techniques help to bring your focus away from the hallucination and back to reality. Is this something you feel like you could try? I am also going to link you to our self-help and calming pages about anxiety. These pages have some great tips about dealing with anxious thoughts.

You are not alone or crazy, lovely! It is completely normal to not want your hallucinations to go away - our symptoms become such big parts of our lives, that losing them can be really hard; just try to remember that them going means that you are getting better, and you always come first! Mental illness does definitely not mean you are crazy, it just means that you are struggling right now - but you can get help and live a happy and successful life. Is it possible for you to begin seeing your therapist again? If not, and if money is a concern for you, maybe web counselling would be a helpful and affordable option?

I hope this has been of some help to you, lovely. Please remember that we are always here for you, so don’t hesitate to get back in touch if there is anything else we can help you with! 

Please take care,

Rhiann xo

#coffee addict #mha #advice #advice blog #mental health advice #mharhiann #psychosis #hallucinations #anxiety #anxiety disorders #calming anxiety and panic #getting help #can't afford therapy #psychosis and anxiety #journaling #medication #finding the right medication

[lunatheranter]

#5 Series: White People Are Evil!!!1!!

Yes, we are all evil. Every single person on the planet with pale skin is 100% Satan-born ignorant scum. Nice 👌 This rant is coming from several places. It's coming from my own experiences and perspective. It's coming from my POC friends who are tired of having oppression prescribed to them. Who are as tired as I am with their white friends being attacked for disgreeing or agreeing or just showing up to the party. It's coming from a place that's unplugged from the fucking matrix. This rant is largely anecdotal, because it's also personal, but who doesn't love a good anecdote? Or ten. 1. "Why don't you just leave then?" Recently in the comments of some or another Facebook post, a (white) girl made a joke about the US being a mess. Somebody subreplied that she should just leave, if she hated it so much. This girl came back like lol I'm from Hungary idk what you're talking about. Because some white people AREN'T AMERICAN!! ISN'T THAT AMAZING!!!! This is sale point one of this rant. Europe is hella white. Some white people, would you believe, were born in largely POC countries. Would you believe!! There are all types of people everywhere!! NOT ALL WHITE PEOPLE ARE AMERICAN ISN'T THAT INCREDIBLE!!!!!! 2. You White People™ Again in the Facebook comments (notorious for The Discourse™). I watched a clip from a film in which an African guy had taken artefacts from a museum & was on trial, arguing that he had not stolen them because they had been stolen from Africa in the first place. (If anybody knows what film this is hmu bc I lowkey wanna watch it). I noticed in the comments an ongoing (in some places surprisingly civil) intersectional debate about the ownership of art, with even many native Africans suggesting that the art should stay in the museum because art belongs to everybody. I commented on this discussion: [I'm not sure how I feel about this perspective. It's interesting to see the contrasting views across race lines in the comments. "Does anything ever really belong to anybody?" It's a curious thought.] This was my entire comment. I did not state an opinion. I expressed my interest in a discussion. The tirade of abuse I was subject to was unreal. One person subreplied with an entire rant, condensing me to an Evil White Person™, accusing me of ignoring historical fact and trying to blot out Black culture. The main catcher? My name is Luna Kwon. It is a Korean name. In my profile picture, my face is mostly obscured. This person had no reason to assume that I am white. And I didn't express an opinion. I was on an endeavour to educate myself on the opinions of others. I literally got dragged for thinking. 3. Yes it's Facebook again. This is the article which largely prompted my writing this rant this morning. You can read it here: http://afropunk.com/2017/07/white-friends-comes-trauma-im-not-willing-deal-anymore/ A few things to note: it's on Afropunk which is a POC forum, and while I understand that this is a POC space, the headline is nonetheless inflammatory. Secondly, it is one person's experience. One American person's experience in a Southern state and we all know what they're famous for. I read the article. I read the article and spent the whole time thinking "What? Really? Who does that??" Because I certainly wouldn't even consider behaving like any of the situations this person describes, and I don't know anybody who would, either. Maybe it's because I grew up in a metropolitan area, went to a metropolitan school, and have all of about 3 white friends. Maybe it's because I view every individual as an individual and I cannot comprehend judging person B, C and D based on person A's behaviour. Before anybody starts going off like we're in the Facebook comments, I'm not trying to invalidate this woman's experience. I hope she would not try to invalidate mine. What she's dealt with is what she's dealt with and if other people identify, that's their experience. Nonetheless this view (the inflammatory nature of the writing, not the content) is grotesquely separational (as somebody got dragged hard in the comments for pointing out) bc if my POC friends suddenly dropped me because I'm white (not only would I have no friends but) I would be very upset. I would want to understand exactly what I did to offend them. I would want to correct that behaviour. But I'm sure that this would never happen because, as I've said, I cannot imagine behaving in any of the ways the author of the article described and I would say to her: those people are not your friends. And it's not because they're white, it's because they're ignorant bigots. What you want to say is "having bigoted, ignorant, racist friends is a trauma I'm not willing to deal with". Because I'm from the UK. I live in a metropolis. My closest friends consist of: one Yemeni Muslim, one Punjab Indian, one mixed-race British-White/Indian, one Caribbean, one Korean (born and raised), one Chinese, one White with untraceable lineage and one White-British. I have no concept of racial sterotyping. Disrespecting another culture is completely alien behaviour to me. I've spent my whole life trying to understand and integrate into other cultures, to cultivate a greater understanding of my friends' backgrounds, to gain a deep comprehension of what it means to be culturally respectful. Because I grew up in this metropolitan environment, it is second nature. I don't even think about it. I also want to point out that the person in point 2 decided that I can "probably trace my lineage down through many generations" so let me clear that up *just incase she's watching*: my family (father's side, my legal family name) originates from German war refugees. I can trace my lineage back to the First World War, because my surname was fake from the moment they hit dry land. My mother is from a closed adoption. I have no freakin idea where I come from. As opposed to some of my friends, who can trace back to their great x16 grandmother's neighbour's uncle's cat's second cousin because they are descended from migrants. But yeah you looked at my skin tone in bright sunlight and determined that you know everything about me. So how about you take a fucking seat. When I hear "white people" I hear "yeah, you". When that finger is pointing, you better be damn clear who you're pointing it at because I am sick of being shamed for my skin colour and I am sick of feeling ashamed. I am Welsh. We have a rich history and culture dating back to the ancient Celts - can I not celebrate that, because it's a white culture? Empowerment is one thing, and I'm all for it. I hate that many POC suffer on a daily basis, I can't comprehend it, we should all be equal and free to seek happiness. But shaming people you don't know based on their skin tone is (racist and) not born from a desire for empowerment, it comes from a place of anger-fuelled supremacy. When I hear "white people are evil" I hear "I am not capable of rational thought". I hear "I think I'm the centre of the universe and everybody shares my experience and view". Shaming others is not the path to empowerment. We've already established this argument within feminism: tearing down other women does not make you an empowered woman. Well tearing down other people does not make you an empowered person. It makes you a bigot. You attack me for something Person A did, that makes you the same as Person A. Go yell in the mirror.

#Luna the ranter #I am so very tired #the discourse #white people are evil #people are evil tbh #yes tarring everybody with the same brush really helps me to take you seriously #acting like you know shit about me smh #get off Facebook and actually work toward making a difference maybe