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flowercrowngods · 1 year

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@steddie-week

part 1 (bc this is one big 7 part story)

day 02: bittersweet & angst

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eddie The Problem munson: engagement party on saturday babyyyy 🥳🥸🕺

Steve’s been staring at the message for two days now. It's sitting in his notifications, staring at him like a painful reminder of what happened exactly seven days ago. A week. It's only been a week, and Steve somehow it feels like it was both only one day or seven months ago.

It's an almost liminal experience, walking through life without texting Eddie every second of the day – because texting him would mean opening his message. It would make this real.

And that's the last thing Steve wants.

"I'm not going," Robin declares as they're cuddling on the couch, wallowing in their misery as Mayday Parade's Oh Well, Oh Well is playing for the eighth time on repeat. "Tell me you're not going, Stevie."

"Robbie," he sighs, squeezing her tighter as she tries to wriggle out of his arms to glare at him.

"Steve."

"I can't not go."

"Yes you can." She pokes him in the ribs, but he doesn't budge. She pokes him again. "Not going to things is literally the easiest thing in the world. It's a hundred times easier than going to things. You should try it sometime, trust me. You go to too many things, and–"

"Bee," he hums to get her out of the rambling spiral before she can get lost in it.

"What I'm saying," he interrupts herself dramatically, "is that you can't do this to yourself. They're engaged. They're getting married. We're going to keep our distance until our brains and hearts and the traitorous little chemicals in our bodies catch up to reality, and then we get over them, and then we can go back and see them ever again. That's the logical thing to do, Steve. But you can't... You can't just go and get your heart broken and talk yourself into thinking it's the right thing to do. It's not."

Steve sighs into her hair and buries his face in her neck. He knows that. Technically, logically, he does.

But not going feels wrong. Wronger than anything else that's been hollowing out his chest and leaving nothing but emptiness and the ghosts of every smile, every touch, every baby, love, sweetheart, sunshine. Every imaginary future, every scenario where Eddie meant it. Meant those words, meant those smiles, meant it when he took Steve's hand to hold it.

But Eddie did mean it. Every time, he meant it; because he calls Argyle and Jeff and Gareth baby and sunshine and sweetheart, too. He takes their hands, too, leans in to kiss their cheeks and just holds them when he needs to. That's just the kind of person Eddie is. Always has been.

To go and assume he never meant it would be unfair.

To go and hope it could ever mean more when Chrissy has always been right there would just be stupid.

Well, good thing Steve has that kind of reputation with a few people anyway, so it's not even a statistical outlier, that one. It's not even worth a side note.

"I know," he rasps, his eyes beginning to sting as the next lyrics are carved into the empty space of where his heart used to be.

Oh well, oh well I can't live with myself As I'm climbing in your window to get to your bed.

And I'll be what you need, You can call me anything. Just as long as we're still friends.

Tears prickle in his eyes and he doesn't bother to hold them back. Not now, not with Robin. They've both been crying on and off all week, even though Robin took it better than him.

"I know," he sobs, wrapping his arms around her even tighter as she lets herself be held because she knows that's what he needs. "I know, I know, I know. But I have to. I can't just... I can't just stop, Bee."

"I know," she sighs, climbing out of his hold eventually to wrap her arms around him in return as he cries into her shoulder.

The world (read: his Spotify playlist) makes it worse by playing Sum 41's With Me next, ripping out even the newly carved words.

Robin holds him for the rest of the night, even as he finally opens Eddie's message and types out a reply.

—I'll come!

And especially when there's a new message immediately.

—hot 🥵❤️

He leaves Eddie on read after that.

~*~

Saturday rolls around in a haze, and suddenly Steve finds himself looking at the front door of the little house Chrissy inherited after her mother passed a few years ago. It's a nice little house. Quaint. Perfect. Everything Steve could ever dream of, actually. And she deserves it. All of this and more.

There's noise coming from the garden, where people are laughing and having a great time. A happy time, celebrating their friends and all the good things in life that come with a love well placed.

God, what is he doing here? He can't do this. There is no way.

He's just about to pull out his phone and call Robin, tell her he's coming home, or ask her to tell him everything's gonna be alright, when–

"Steve!" Chrissy hurries towards him, throwing her arms around him in a tight, warm, perfect hug. God, he loves her so much. He melts right into the embrace, wrapping his arms around her middle to spin her around with a grin.

She giggles in delight and tells him to let her down again, which only makes him spin for another round, his grin turning into a genuine laugh.

"No, I hate you!" she laughs, but still doesn't step away from him when he puts her down again. Instead, she leans up and brushes a kiss to his cheek. "Hi, asshole."

"Hi."

He grins and takes her hands in his, just smiling at her for another moment before his eyes trail down to a ring he's never seen her wear before. Ah. Right.

"Oh shit! That it?"

"That's it," Chrissy says, looking down at her hand to look at the ring with a fond, happy little smile, her cheeks flushing red. It breaks Steve a little, but it also fixes something inside him to see her so truly, genuinely happy. "Pretty huh?"

"Very," Steve breathes, hiding the lump in his throat with a sound of awe.

Chrissy hugs him again for good measure and then takes his hand to drag him into the backyard the same way she just came out front, through a little gate off to the side instead of through the house.

Steve loves their backyard because it's always covered in sheerly endless colourful strings of light that are wrapped around decorative arches or poles, framing the back doors and the canopy swing set on the lawn, and just give it the most homey and comfortable atmosphere.

"Stevie!" Eddie exclaims immediately and jumps off from his chair, interrupting a conversation he's apparently been having with Argyle and Nancy to run up to him with such a giddy expression that Steve wants to cry. His heart leaps in his chest, coming back to life and saying one last goodbye at the same time.

"Hi," he says, hugging Eddie close before he can so much as think about what he's doing. But no matter how hurt he is, there will never be a world in which he won't want to hug Eddie Munson. "Sorry I'm late."

"No sorries, it's fine," Eddie murmurs into his neck, staying in the embrace endlessly, and Steve takes the chance to breathe him in. He smells so good. So, so good. It clogs his lungs and renders him unable to speak.

But who needs to speak when they have Eddie in their arms? Who needs to speak when all they have to do is never let go?

Eddie squeezes him a little tighter, and Steve wants to cry. He slowly, gently pushes away from the hug and turns towards the other guests, greeting them with a grin, a hug, or a handshake if they're not familiar.

When he gets to Wayne, the man eyes him with a look that Steve doesn't want to read too much, and his embrace is just a little longer, just a little stronger than usual.

“You look tired, son,” he says by way of greeting, and Steve can’t help but snort and shake his head a little.

“Good to see you again, too, old man.”

Wayne eyes him for one moment longer, then breaks into a small smile and pats Steve’s shoulder before stepping around him to go grab another drink.

After that, the night passes in a blur of talking to his friends, trying to understand what the hell it is that has Nancy and Argyle arguing so profusely, but with smiles on their faces. He fails. But it’s good to see them again, so he just basks in it for a while.

Or, he tries, because every second that he’s not talking or listening to someone, his eyes flick back to Eddie. Eddie, who’s lifting Chrissy from behind and smacking a loud, wet kiss to her neck, her jaw and her cheek, accompanied by her delighted squeals and laughter.

Eddie, who’s looking larger than life, a happy grin permanently plastered on his face as he reminds their guests that Chrissy was his bisexual awakening.

“I swear, she just swept me off my feet after years of thinking I was only into dudes. Knew I had to marry her, but man, I don’t know why she said yes.”

“I’m settling, honey,” Chrissy calls from the other end of the table they’re sitting around. “Only in it for that rockstar money and all.”

The whole table laughs at that.

“Hear, hear,” Eddie snorts, lifting his glass in a toast. Steve and the others lift theirs, too, even though Steve’s hand and arm and whole body feels numb and he’s not entirely sure he’s breathing.

A while later, he grabs a drink and retreats to the canopy swing, illuminated in the soft pink flow of the fairy lights wrapped around it. Eddie’s eyes land on him for a second and Steve thinks that he’ll come over and join him — but then one of Chrissy’s friends says something that distracts him and seemingly makes him fall into a monologue of sorts.

Steve watches, feeling only loss and longing as he does. Eddie is a force of nature. A spectacle. Something beautiful, something powerful, something secret that only a select few get to witness. To know. To appreciate.

Staring as he is, blind to the rest of the world, he startles a little when the swing jostles with another weight settling on it. He didn’t see Wayne coming to join him, and he’s not quite sure whether he should be grateful for the company or apprehensive of what the man who’s like a father to him might have to say.

“How are you doing, son?”

He frowns. “I’m alright.”

Wayne only hums, and Steve’s frown deepens. There’s a nagging feeling in the back of his mind that tells him Wayne knows something. That he knows.

“Y’know,” he continues after a while, not looking at Steve but rather at his nephew and his fiancée. “I always figured it would be you.”

Steve crumbles. Yeah, me too, he wants to say, but that would be a lie. Watching the way Chrissy sits on Eddie’s lap with his arms around her, his chin on her shoulder as he tells her something that makes her laugh that cute, pretty, adorable laugh that Eddie then can’t help but join — that’s just something Steve would never compare to. Nothing he’d ever want to come in between.

Eddie and Chrissy are perfect. They’re happy. They fit, they match, they work. They worked so hard and treat each other so right.

They look giddy and serene at the same time, and it makes Steve’s eyes sting. Because he can never make Eddie look like that. He can never make Eddie look at him like that.

I always figured it would be you.

But he couldn’t. That bubbly kind of love, the sunshine kind of love. He knows that’s not for him. Steve’s too much for that. He would never be enough for Eddie — even if without Eddie, there’s nothing left of him.

“Don’t get me wrong,” Wayne continues, unaware of Steve’s thought spiral. “I love that girl, I do. Always will. I think she’s too good for Eddie. Don’t tell him I said that,” he adds hastily, and Steve smiles through the tears that threaten to fall again.

“They’re perfect,” he rasps, laughing wetly as Chrissy starts chasing Eddie, who’s hiding behind a very distressed Argyle, who just wants his brochachos to chill!

Maybe it’s a laugh, maybe it’s a sob. He doesn’t have it in him to find out or care.

“They are. Doesn’t mean they’re right, son.”

Steve sighs and tears his eyes away from Eddie. “Wayne.”

“I know, I know.” He lifts his hands in defence. “Shutting up.” After a long pause of holding Steve’s eyes, he asks, “Will you be okay?”

No, he thinks immediately, the lump in his throat too big to say anything. So he just shrugs and swallows. “Sure.”

Maybe. Hardly. Probably not. Definitely not.

"No matter what happens, you'll always be a son to me. You’ll always have a home with an open door with me, you hear me?"

"I’m not going anywhere, wayne," Steve says, though for the first time ever he doesn't really believe that. Maybe he needs to leave. To leave Eddie behind. Get over him. Cut out his heart and leave it here, run away to heal somewhere else, come back as a new person, or just stay away forever.

The thought makes a tear spill as an empty kind of desperation spreads it’s ugly wings inside his chest, and he's too frozen to wipe it away.

"You hear me?" Wayne repeats, gentler this time, but no less urgent for it.

"Yeah," steve rasps. "Thanks."

Another tear falls as Eddie gently pulls Chrissy closer to him and kisses her in the soft glow of the fairy lights above and around them. Their friends cheer. Steve wants to cry his heart out again.

“I—“ he swallows, wiping at his eyes and pinching the bridge of his nose. I can’t do this, he wants to say. For the first time, that’s what he wants to say. “I think I’m gonna head home soon.”

“You bring your car?”

He shakes his head, feeling foggy and dazed and empty and endlessly, endlessly sad. “Was gonna, uh—“

“Let me drive you.” There’s no room for debate or argument there, and Steve wants to crumble again, but still he shakes his head.

“Wayne, no—“

“I’m taking you, son. Make sure you get home safe, or I won’t be able to sleep tonight. Don’t wanna keep your old man up all night, do ya?”

Steve concedes with a fond eye roll and a grateful smile. “Wouldn’t dream of it.”

“That’s what I thought.”

They sit like that for another ten minutes — and if Steve leans into Wayne’s side a little, then that’s nobody’s business but theirs.

The car ride is quiet, but it feels weighted even as Wayne pretends not to see the way Steve keeps wiping at his cheeks as the silent tears keep falling, leaving him powerless to stop them.

I can’t do this, he keeps thinking over and over again.

“Just a little warning,” Wayne speaks up again as he pulls up to Steve’s building. “I think he’s going to ask you to be his best man, Stevie. Don’t do anything you’re not ready for, okay?”

I can’t do this.

He nods, numb again.

“I’ll do anything for him,” he breathes.

“That’s what I’m afraid of, yeah.”

He gets out of the car before he can find out what exactly Wayne means by that. The car stays where it is until the front door closes behind him, until he’s up in his bedroom and finds Robin already asleep.

Ten minutes later, he cuddles close to her and tries hard not to cry, but tonight’s memories have burned themselves into his mind. And he shouldn’t have gone. He knows. He knows.

I’ll do anything. I can’t do this. I’ll do anything. I can’t do this.

He can’t breathe, and Robin holds him through it, whispering sleepily to him as he cries himself to sleep, wishing for a world where he’s not absolutely and utterly in love with Eddie Munson, but failing to imagine one.

I’ll do anything. Anything but this.

tagging: @sexymothmanincarnate @mcneen come back tomorrow for idk which prompt | read part 3 here

#steddie fic #steddie #steddieweek2023 #dio words #listen i barely got any sleep last night and it’s almost 2am again and i’m SO tired so if this doesn’t make sense if it’s too repetitive or #anything??? then that’s just how it is (wap bap)#they all love each other so much it’s a whole mess #would love to give you hurt/comfort tomorrow but that would be rather soon huh #also please nobody be mean to/about chrissy i swear to god #everyone who’s commented and/or reblogged the first part: HI HELLO MWAH!! 🤍🌷

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linkbetweenlinksau · 6 months

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Some references and written descriptions of the lbl boys. I’ll update the rest later, but for now, take Sky, Minish, Time, Legend, Hyrule, and Twilight.

Please for the love of all things that are holy read the tags and don’t tag this as LU

Next one

#with updated designs #I will NOT touch them anymore I will NOT #they are PERMANENT NOW #sorta #obviously they could change lol #anyways I’m hoping that people can understand their personalities just a tad more #btw anything I said in the past about lbl might be retconned #I explored the story a lot and stuff is still unsure #and the lover box means someone they are actually DATING/ married to #pining doesn’t count #so it’s a very small group of Links who do have lovers #ok Everyone looks so long but shhh this is a ref it’s not supposed to look perfect #I swear shoes are my worst enemie #legend of zelda au #zelda au #legend of zelda #lbl Sky #lbl Minish #lbl time #lbl legend #lbl Hyrule #lbl twilight #link between links #watch smiles attempt at the Hylian languages #I HATE them #also some people may not agree with some choices on here like the bad with teamwork or whatever #but this is about how I wrote the characters #and if you don’t agree with some aspects of the design #move on with your life

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witchy-kittyy · 2 years

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Had some fun studying some art styles and doodling Raiden 💛

Idk man I think he’d get his tattoos done again on his civilian body.

#i love him so much you don’t understand #also I lied I think I’ll be posting on tumblr more often again just my Raiden stuff mainly #also Raiden in his training clothes gives me life #raiden #mgr raiden #Raiden mgr #mgr #mgs raiden #mgs #my art #also I promise you I’m not sinning. i mean I am but he’s a fucking ken doll really. smooth as anything.#so I don’t think I’m REALLY sinning he just doesn’t have pants that’s all I swear ;u;#raiden metal gear #metal gear rising revengeance #metal gear solid raiden

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crenna · 14 days

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omg omg my friend that i’m totally not interested in asked if i want to call like just us two sometime (my friend is in another country for a couple months rn) stay calm lili omg

#LIKEEEEE this doesn’t mean anything i mean friends call each other all the time but i met this friend through my brother and #usually we all talk together or even with one more mutual friend #bc we all love hanging out together #so even tho me and this friend get along great we haven’t hung out that many times one by one #and we do chat from time to time but likeee this is different ok #AND LIKE. i haven’t had a crush on anyone IN LITERAL AGES and i wouldn’t say this even counts as one #but if it doesn’t mean i’m at least interested in her then why am i all giddy and like ”omg omg” about this dkfkskf #anyway nothing is realistically gonna happen but i’m just happy about this! like even if nothing ever happens it’s perfectly fine #alsooo SORRY I’VE BEEN SO INACTIVE on all of my blogs i swear i’m gonna be back 💖#lili’s rambles

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stinkrascal · 1 year

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yall gotta learn to just not answer asks that annoy you bc sometimes yall get so mean for absolutely no reason

#i swear someone could be like ‘whats your favorite color?(:’#and someone on simblr would call anonymous an invasive creep who doesn’t understand boundaries #tHiS iS a SiM bLoG wHy ArE yOu AsKiNg Me ThAt #like okay. if being unapproachable is your goal then you did it!!#seriously such twitter energy on here sometimes. like people are WAITING for the chance to make a witty mean-spirited comeback #this is why i never send anyone anything. y’all are not gonna yell at me to make a spectacle i will not allow it #this isn’t about my mutuals obviously ily guys. i block everyone who does this bc it’s annoying 😭 i just hate mean people #standing up for yourself is good! yelling at someone bc they asked you what your favorite color is is cringe!

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simply-not-an-egg · 1 year

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WHAT EREND HAVE YOU BEEN SEEING THE FUCK??

#i mean yes erend’s a nice guy #but he’s not a ‘nice guy’ you know?#also he flirts a handful of times in the first game and after that he doesn’t do much of anything because he respects aloy’s boundaries??#I swear you been playin a whole different game to the rest of the fandom cause this is not Erend at all?#erend #erend vanguardsman #horizon #horizon zero dawn #hzd #horizon forbidden west #hfw

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twilightarcade · 11 months

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meow :3

color refs for me 🔥🔥🔥🔥

nevaeh thompson, she/he - secretary but not in a sexy way more of a bit of a loser way. They’re all losers

Jacob “”””””jake””””” Mulligan, he/they - always put a particular amount of spiteful emphasis on his nickname being jake if you do mention it, unless you just want to be normal about it

going to let you in on a little secret everyone here really uses any pronouns because like. That’s not my job. Make ur own pronouns dude. But also they CANT so I’m sitting here assigning arbitrary pronouns to them

#notwordswordstag #caustic corp #this pose was originally for a bigger piece I doubt you’ll see but if you do then this drawing doesn’t exist ok?#you may notice they all have slightly different tints of white it doesn’t really mean anything unless you make it which you can #but it’s mainly what goes with their design #iris' white is literally off magenta and I'm not really sure how that happened #they all end up either red or blue and it's super noticeable when they're standing next to eachother and I'm going to try to remedy this in #the future #but also it's not too big of a big deal because 90% of the time I go a bit off ref anyways #their EARINGS' colors however are chosen with a tiny bit more care #idk why this is captioned meow but it's staying <3 #I need to start drawing at a reasonable brightness because I swear to you nevaehs face was near unreadable as I was drawing this and I fel #felt bad because I couldnt see what was going on but couldn't fix that #looking at it again it's not nearly that bad #I also neglected to color some of the outlines because they looked about the same color and I figured coloring them wouldn't make much of #a difference but I was WRONG like a fool but it doesn't effect the drawing as a while much #I didn't make the upper half of jacobs arm defined but that's just a him problem I think. I'm not responsible for his arm (I am)#eventually I'll do a wip dump and you'll get to look at all the art that's never getting finished but would be pretty cool if it did #she's holding her clipboard close to her chest which is something I changed from the original because she was #going to hold it behind her back but you couldn't see it then. rude.#specifically with the papers facing away from her

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mariju-anas · 7 months

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My bingeing has gotten so bad that I’m not even worried on restricting rn, just maintaining. I feel like such a fuckin fraud lmao

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asteroids-and-tractorbeams · 1 year

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Despite the rumors that show up every six months about Mara Jade finally showing up in live action post-Empire/during the New Republic, IF they were going to introduce her I think it actually wouldn’t make sense to set her introduction then because of her extensive behind the scenes work during the Empire

#which is to say she should be introduced during the empire era a la choices of one #because to do otherwise would probably mean extensive flashbacks or explanation #I swear if I see one more headline about how she used to work for Thrawn and therefore should be introduced with him #she didn’t!! she’s doesn’t like him!!!#(to be clear this isn’t in response to anything I was just thinking about it)#mara jade

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castielmacleod · 1 year

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''Same person different font'' thing regarding Mary and Dean's characters irk me so much lmao...

RIGHT omg like. On one hand we have a person who is authentically compassionate, is capable of acting outside of her own self-interest more often than not, doesn’t take out her emotions on the people around her, and owns her mistakes and shortcomings. On the other hand we have a person who is none of those things, and is furthermore a violent control freak who categorically abuses those closest to him. These are fundamental differences in the way these two characters interact with the world and others, which is far more significant in a comparison than any surface-level similarities. Liking cars and jerky does not a “same person different fonts” make.

Like lol I mean… I won’t be wholly disingenuous, I’m not going to pretend Mary and Dean have no commonalities whatsoever, because they do. In my take I’d say they both have something of a lying habit that they view not as necessarily harmful but as protecting others, as well as a tendency toward self-destructive behaviour and definitely some kind of saviour complex(?). But those similarities are still not nearly enough, in my opinion, to overshadow the fact that these two characters are otherwise, as outlined above, pretty much morally and socially disparate people. Which is to say, very much not the “literal same”.

It also just feels so reductive and honestly lazy to just write Mary off as just Dean: the Prequel or whatever and leave it at that. People do much the same with Claire (Dean 2: Simba’s Pride) and even with Max Banes (Dean the 3rd), and honestly it’s kind of. Dismal. That these characters can’t just stand on their own for a significant portion of the fandom and have to be reduced to “Dean mirrors” to warrant any thought, and are then only really thought about through that lens. Like I’m sorry that is NOT the deep character analysis you think it is 😭

#It’s not even that I think parent-child comparisons in character analysis don’t have merit because I do #Like from my perspective Crowley and Rowena share some fascinating similarities that I like writing about #But it’s also not the be all end all to either of their characters for me #And more than that I don’t think it’s a stretch to say they’re similar people in the first place.#But it’s really obvious to me that Mary in situ is actually so much closer to how people wish/pretend Dean is #than Dean in situ is actually is.#The “secret good” fanon Dean might be Mary in a different font (in a nearly literal sense too) but canon Dean is not #That’s just my opinion anyway #Ask #Dean critical #Also. Maybe a character has some overlapping traits with Dean but that doesn’t mean they have to be “mirrors”??????#I swear these people would have you think that every character in the entire show is just a version of someone from t/f/w #Not that I want to give the writers too much credit for anything like originality lol but like. Please #Even if the writers WERE just hitting control-V on Dean every time they came up with a troubled character or whatever #I can’t imagine a more boring lens for analysis.#DeangirIs talk like they’re trapped in Naomi’s Dean clone warehouse because every character is Dean to them #EXCEPT DEAN. WHO IS AN OC THAT THEY MADE UP 😭#Anyway lol. Anyway #Mary Claire and Max are running circles around DW as we speak

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bowlofr1ce · 8 months

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Stuff has been on my mind lately. And I can’t stop thinking about it.

I am giggling and kicking my legs that something I’ve been waiting over a year and a half for will be releasing soon. Every time I ask my friends “should I go for it?” And they always responded with “wait” and it’s just been like this every single time. And it’s finally happening.

But then in the back of my mind I hear “are you sure you really want to do this?” “it’s a lot of money. and your current employment is in jeopardy.” And then I tell that voice “I have been waiting for months! I have been waiting! For SO LONG! And I am SICK! AND TIRED! OF WAITING!” But then that voice retaliates “THINK about the money though! THINK about what mom and dad would think.” And that immediately halts me in my track. This is something I’ve been waiting a long, long time for. It’s a large scale investment that I’m willing to make with my own hard earned money. And yet. I fear that they’ll think I just sunk a lot of money on another toy. It’s not a toy, it’s basically a console. It’s the equivalent of buying a Switch 2 or a PlayStation 6 or something that will be in the future! But I’m scared. It’s fricking half a grand. I have the ability to spend that sort of money. I have the security to spend that sort of money. But I’m scared to make the leap. I’m scared of, well, spending money. And my parents, who usually make really good financial decisions, they might judge me because I indulged in something that I’m interested in. And it’s not what I’m interested in that’s the problem. It’s the cost that’s the problem. If I were to ask dad if I should go for the older, soon-to-be-irrelevant, cheaper option or the newer, more future proof, yet more expensive option, dad would probably say to go for the newer one.

Thing is I don’t know if they know this is something I want to do. I’m scared of how they’ll react if I suddenly said “hey! I wanna spend $500!” Like it’s something I just came up on the spot. Like no! This is something I’ve been thinking about and researching for years, and I decided that this is something I will be doing since over last year, and now this year, I am deciding to take that leap! But I’m still scared. I’m scared of the loss of money, and my current employment situation not looking good at the moment now that college kicked in. I’m scared of my parents who i feel should be okay if I explain myself about this but he problem is that they don’t give me a chance to speak. And especially mom if she has her mind on something it’s hard to take her mind off of that. (I.e. if she thinks you did something wrong, that means that you did something wrong, even if you didn’t do anything. And you can’t explain yourself either. I told this to mom that we should be able to explain herself but she basically dismissed that saying “explaining yourself won’t fix things. If you explain yourself with ‘oh, I needed money’ after robbing a bank, that doesn’t make what you did okay” LIKE??? THIS AND THAT ARE COMPLETELY DIFFERENT SITUATIONS!!)

I suppose the only thing that will stop me from making this leap when it’s possible isn’t the money, but the fear of judgement and disapproval from my parents from doing so. And unfortunately, I’ve come to realize that this dictated most of the decisions I made in life.

#for context what I’m talking about is the upcoming quest 3 #and to clear any possible misunderstandings I am not abused! my family loves me very much (a rarity it seems nowadays) and I love them back #and I couldn’t ask for anything more!#however this doesn’t mean I don’t have anything bad to say about them. especially mom #I never feel listened to when it comes to bigger situations with her. which is why I usually come to my dad for these sort of things.#she literally told me ‘I am a parent and you are a child. we are not the same. therefore I do not treat you the same.#my job as a parent is to raise you right. not make you happy. and your job as my child is to respect and obey me.’ LIKE??????#OKAY GUESS IM NOT HUMAN THEN??!#I just- It’s hard to justify not being an abused child when putting it like this in the view of the child. but I swear I’m not!#she’s not always like that. very rarely she ever does this. all I wish is to have a voice. maybe then I won’t be so scared of talking to her #yeah.#vent #rambling

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