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ace-fender-bender · 2 months

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Dear diary,

My mum threw out/gave away all my dad's things. I feel a little stupid for expecting them to still be there, but she always promised they would be. When we first started cleaning out the house I got to get a few of my own things but after that day it was all "we put all the stuff in the in law suite, you don't need to get them now they're safe they're in the in law suite".

I asked her about them yesterday and she laughed. She LAUGHED. She swears she told me they were getting rid of everything and she told me to take what I wanted. I literally used to beg to go back for more stuff and she told me they were safer where they were. I was young at the time. I only wanted my stuffed animals and guitar and board games and maybe my dad's sweatshirts. I didn't think much about his things but I didnt have to because they were supposed to be safe in the in law suite!!

His shelves and shelves of dvds cassettes and books, just gone. They should've been mine! The copy of the complete works of William Shakespeare that I broke my wrist trying to get off his shelf, the ABBA cds he said he'd give me when I got a little older, the manual for making miniature houses we were going to read together, the dvds he wouldn't let me borrow because I was never careful with them, the journals filled cover to cover with his slanted handwriting. Gone all of that just gone. AND ITS SO UNFAIR

"But he left you a house look at the nice house." What in gods name am I supposed to do with that house when he's not in it? I feel like I've lost him a second time and there's a sickening finality to this one. It's tragic enough that he'll never know me as I am, but now, I'll never know him as he was.

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lefaystrent · 5 years

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Some days

Fandom: Thomas Sanders, Sanders Sides

Pairing: Platonic LAMP, Virgil-centric

Summary: Some days are better than others, and some aren’t. These are Virgil’s days in the mindscape.

AO3 Link

Some days are better than others.

Some days he’ll linger in the common rooms of Thomas’s mind. He’ll lounge at the bottom of the steps, music setting a steady rhythm from his headphones. Roman complains when he nearly trips on him in his rush to get by. Logan lectures him on proper seating habits, pointing out the perfectly good couch and chairs while asking, “But why?” Patton saunters down the steps, announcing over the beat in Virgil’s ears, “Leapfrog!” or something silly of the sort, never failing to spring Virgil into action and abandoning his spot for the greater good.

Some days he does it on purpose, you know? It isn’t easy to be upfront, to leave yourself open. Better to be patient and sit where someone’s bound to notice you eventually. Safer to pretend it doesn’t really matter if you never ask for it with words.

Some days he doesn’t have to sit and wait. With group summons from Thomas, it’s expected. The others are the first to show up usually, but when the tensions run high, Virgil will nevertheless crawl out of his hole to point out all the problems. He used to find it such a chore, having them point the finger at him until . . . he was the one pointing at himself. Give room for misconception to bloom and soon enough, you forget which perception’s the real one.

Some days he does forget. Some days he’ll antagonize and throw out a jab or two unthinkingly. Or maybe not so unthinkingly. Years of believing you’re bad, terrible, in the way, worthless doesn’t just go away with a genuine smile or two. A cup of coffee with a couple grains of sugar is still bitter.

Some days though, Virgil forgets all that. Try as he might to pull back, the others drag him right back in. Not to use him as a scapegoat. Not because they need him to do his job and keep Thomas out of trouble. Not anything other than because they want him there.

Some days logic grounds him. Logan pops his head into Virgil’s room, asking if he’d like to do a puzzle with him. Or they’ll play a game of chess and Logan never points out how long Virgil takes with each move. Or they’ll sit in a corner of the mindscape, Logan with book in hand, Virgil scrolling on his phone, and they won’t say a word because they don’t need to.

Some days creativity sparks within him. Roman pleads for Virgil to join him on an adventure through the imagination. Or he’ll insist that Virgil listens to him practice for his next audition because Virgil’s comments “drive him to be better.” Or Roman will corner him for a brainstorming session to bounce ideas around. And yeah, it’s all very pushy, but sometimes you need a push to think outside of your box.

Some days morality reminds him. Patton looks at Virgil with puppy-dog eyes, arms full of Steven Universe DVDs, and Virgil caves no matter how many times they’ve watched it. Or Patton lights up when he walks into the room, sometimes forgetting himself and rushing to hug him, overwhelmed with excitement as he can get. Or Virgil throws out his usual self-deprecating humor and Patton actually throws a book at Virgil titled “101 reasons why Virgil is my best friend”. Virgil keeps the book on a shelf in his room, letting it remind him that even if he doesn’t love himself, there are others that do.

Some days it’s more than enough to keep him going.

Some days, it isn’t.

Some days are harder than others, and all the little things are pounding in his chest, hurting him with each rising heartbeat. He locks himself away on those days, unable to bear their eyes on him, though he can still feel them cutting into his skin despite the walls and bolted door. Pacing gets him nowhere. Clawing his skin can’t get it out for good. Curling up under mounds of blankets feels like admitting defeat, and the mocking thoughts come crash-crash-crashing down on him. And every breath feels like his last, but it’s all he can do to count them and bury his face in a pillow when the pressure in his eyes becomes too much.

Some days . . . he wonders why he should even get out of bed.

Some days the shadows are inviting, the darkness like a blanket, safe and numb.

Some days he’s just too tired, body a dead weight, one step like moving a mountain.

And some days, that’s okay.

No matter how much he hates it, how stupid he feels, how the doubts devour his motivation and make him feel like a failure.

�� Some days it’s okay to be overwhelmed with sadness, consumed by anger, or crippled by loneliness.

Because some days Logan grounds him in reality by making him tea and sitting with him quietly, not pressuring him to speak, his stable presence relaxing him until he’s able to talk again.

Because some days Roman sparks his deadened nerves, softening his voice to a hushed lullaby, singing as he goes around the room because he knows Virgil is listening and hanging on to every word until he feels alive again.

Because some days Patton reminds him that life is worth living when they’re huddled together in a pillow fort, sitting under fairy lights and lazily looking through a picture album of Thomas’s fondest memories until Virgil feels the strength to laugh again.

Because some days they’re eating together, watching movies together, bickering together, becoming better people together, or maybe a better person together, seeing as they all share one headspace. But what matters is that they’re together.

And you know what?

Some days, he thinks on all of his days, and in the end he realizes this is why he’s here.

#sanders sides #virgil #virgil sanders #patton #patton sanders #logan #logan sanders #roman #roman sanders #Thomas sanders #anxiety #morality #logic #creativity #lamp #hurt/comfort #writing #fanfiction #some days

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