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moominsuki · 10 months

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✎ᝰ GOJO SATORU ; — i hate how you make feel while simultaneously being so incredibly unfeeling

࿄ ! warnings - afab!reader, angst, lowkey reader is a meanie but she has reasons, okay! no other warnings :}

love is fruitless with gojo satoru.

he’s attractive enough - shiny grey-blue eyes, tall, tan: the whole shebang and it’s no wonder that girls fall at his feet for a single chance to bed the man. and, in a twist of fate: when a lucky girl gets to have gojo in her room, she’s met with the night of her life before he slips into the night, inconsequential and cold to the world - as if he hadn’t ran his hands on her naked body.

that being said, once you get to know him, you come to realise it is virtually impossible to be around gojo without wanting to pull your hair out. you once told him that you couldn’t be around him without feeling the urge to pull out handfuls of your hair. he laughed at that; bandage crinkling across his eyes and rows of bright teeth blaring haughtily at you.

even at moments that would require some warmth and thought-provoking soul searching, he’d look at you with the same expression he always gives - one of faux joyousness and a chastising turn of his lips poking fun at you because you felt something that happened to be the antithesis to what he’s feeling… if gojo could actually feel anything at all - given how he presents himself. how could you ever enjoy the presence of someone like that?

“what do you think of gojo, y/n-san?” asks utahime across the chabudai and you snicker, the sourness noticeable even in the tone of your laughter - if you could even call it that - ‘laughing.’

“arrogant. egotistical. one track minded. sometimes i want to wring my hands around his neck to get him to be quiet but-” (utahime giggles slightly at your words and you beam a little - only a little).

“it’s not fair to speak about someone when they’re not here to defend themselves,” interjects a voice and you can practically hear the pout in his tone.

“who said i was being fair?” you hum, a sip of ginger and lemon tea running past your lips and it does little to satiate the rumble in your gut and the rise of acrid bile in your throat. damn you, acid reflux.

“well, if we’re being unfair to each other, i think utahime should ask me what i think about you,” says gojo pointedly and he sits cross legged at the low table - raising what seems to be a brow under his many layers of bandages.

“for your information, we were not playing a game-”

“no, you can go on and ask him, utahime. i’m a big girl. i can take it.” you narrow your eyes at the white haired man when you say that and it’s somewhat laughable that even though he’s sat down, at your level, gojo is ridiculously too statuesque to look right at you - prompting what you can feel is a fiery blush erupt on your cheeks when he leans down. you want to kill him so badly. just who does he think he is?

“um… o-ok, if that’s alright with you then… what do you think of y/n, gojo?”

a beat passes and you hold down a swallow, a gulp, at the silence that ruminates the staff room. gojo looks away, as if in deep thought and you roll your eyes at the over the top act.

the man leans down again, elbows on the chabudai, “i think y/n is afraid. constantly running from anything that invokes even the slightest bit of fear and feeling in her bones,” and utahime chokes in disbelief, shaking the palpable heavy tension in the room.

“i don’t think i’ve ever met a jujutsu sorcerer with traits as undesirable as those- i mean, have you, utahime? talk about a red herring.”

another beat passes and you haven’t said a word; if the furrowing of your eyebrows and embittered scowl on your lips was anything short of an answer, though, then gojo had definitely hit a nerve.

unfortunately for utahime, if gojo goes low, you simply go lower.

“huh. maybe you think you’re right about me, gojo…” and he smirks, victorious in this little dance that you’re both caught up in - with utahime caught in the superfluous torrent of it all and you let a moment pass, you let gojo believe he’s won before you continue, “but it actually couldn’t be further from the truth. at least i’m deliberate about what i let others perceive about me. you want to know what i really think of gojo satoru? i think ‘how can someone as powerful and omnipotent as you be so unimaginative… so boring and so miserably orchestrated?’”

you look down at your hands, playing with the rings on your fingers and wanting to avoid the looks of the other two heads in the room, shaking in belligerent disgust and just second hand audacity.

“above all, though… gojo satoru is all too obvious yet not at the same time. it becomes neither cool or interesting when you pretend to be some suave and sexy man who strolls through life. no one knows gojo better than he knows himself and he knows that every night, when the capes and the glasses and the- the fucking bandages come off, all what stares back at him is what he attempts to hide and that’s when he really starts to feel. in the four walls of his empty room with empty eyes staring back.”

you finally look back up to see a pair of disbelieving eyes staring back at you and you can feel another boring into your soul. the bile sits at the back of your throat again and a pang knocks at the edge of your heart.

“i may be scared but you’re terrified and you go about your life like you’re not constantly thinking - worrying. if my problem is that i don’t let myself feel enough then, gojo, yours is that you pretend to feel and act superior to us normal people because you’re a fraud.”

you’re panting - breathless - by the end of it and your eyes widen, burning and brimming at the implication of what you’ve just said. your hands are clammy and the burning - the sourness starts to grow all over again. you can’t bear to look at gojo for even a second before stumbling from under the seat and storming out of the room.

consequently, that evening after the whole debacle, with gojo sporting a frown that didn’t curl up once even in the company of his students, does gojo let himself feel something. and it feels pretty damn good.

he just wishes that it hadn’t come from you of all people.

#sorry miwa clocked your tea at the beginning #this is a huge hc of mine #gojo doesn’t let himself process things and #it makes me sad :( i do adore him #dw there has to be a part 2 he’s not going out sad like this #gojo x reader #gojo angst #gojou x reader #gojo saturo #gojo x you #✎𓂃stamped: (jujutsu kaisen)。°˖⌕#jujutsu kaisen angst #jujutsu kaisen #angst #jjk x reader

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sun-stricken · 3 months

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Some ideas for you! Take your pick!

Gray frequents the infirmary the most. In one of my ideas lately, after thinking about iced shell, maybe ice make makes the body a bit more…prone to cracking? Maybe he bruises easy and gets a lot of head wounds. It’s why he’s always in bandages longer. I like the idea of Porlyusica getting sick of him.

Team Natsu/the guild/slayers taking care of him, even when he doesn’t realise it. (Against pervs, against himself, maybe people are a bit racist (with him being not from Fiore).

Gray gets sad sometimes and dissociates.

Gray has night terrors so he has sleeping pills, but on missions he also has caffeine tablets to keep him awake so he doesn’t have terrors around them. Safe to say, they aren’t happy when they find this.

Lucy asks Gray about where he’s from, traditions etc, and the guild realises he might be homesick so they secretly try to learn things for him. (Over the years they’ve picked up swear words (Gray doesn’t realise he’s doing it and they’ve never told him))

Gray’s actually quite touch starved. His body temperature is cold so most people stay away/ don’t touch him (but don’t realise they’re doing it). The only one who can stand is Natsu because of his magic. Maybe it gets worse after becoming a slayer.

…also do you take spicy requests?

you cant just give me all these amazing concepts and tell me to pick☹️ i will do a little for all of them if it kills me

Also yes! i absolutely do take nsfw requests! feel free to ask me anything! im surprised it took so long to ask me that tbh

there is a lot here so vv

* Hes the single reason why the guild infirmary is always having to restock

* Due to Grays multiple usages of iced shell some of his body did turn to ice, most sections of his bones, it looks like a normal bones but it acts like ice, which means hes more likely to break a bone

* unfortunately, its not like a normal broken bone for obvious reasons. itll splinter and have hairline cracks all over the bones before it breaks.

* It takes less time to heal than a normal break, he just has to get it wrapped and limit his usage of his magic so it can ‘heal’ (as in, ice it over again) the breaks and cracks. It takes less time to heal and also less pressure to break, win lose situation tbh

* Which is also why head wounds are especially dangerous for him, skull fractures are more common for him than anyone would like, which is to say any at all

* His external body temperature is low and causes him to bruise like a peach, getting a friendly slap on the back can cause him to bruise for weeks, especially from Erza

* bro hasnt gone a day without a bruise in like ten years

* Hes been dragged to Porlyusica so many times now that anytime she sees him (on the field, in her office, even completely out of context and hes not visibly injured) its like second nature to check him out first

* if she could go a month, or even just two weeks! without seeing him she might consider changing her views on humanity (probably not but its the thought that counts)

* Also Gray has small sections of what people think is frostbite on his hands and feet. It doesnt hurt or limit him at all but theyre there, showed up some time post devil slayer magic

* ALSO! His blood runs slower and is darker due to his low body temperature, causes him only the vaguest of problems but its a thing (this is common in most powerful ice wizards)

* Gray likes to pretend hes good at taking care of himself, but hes not hes really not

* Luckily he has a lot of nosy and protective friends thatll do it for him (in their own ways)

* Natsu literally temperature exploding some guys glass at a bar when he got wayyyy too friendly and handsy with Gray

* they were kicked out but he was really proud of himself

* Rogue drawing shadows towards Gray if he needs to sleep and its too bright, or Sting creating a warm light beam when its dark out and Gray wants to embrace his inner cat and sleep in a sunbeam

* Wendy checking him over first bc she knows hes one of the people who wouldnt ask for help if he was injured

* hes had multiple people physically remove him from fights/training sessions because he was visibly pushing himself way too hard

* Part of the reason Gray learned Fioren so fast was because he was sick of people looking at him like he was stupid for not speaking ‘right’

* he mentioned this to the little slayer group they got goin on and from then on out they were like, hella hyper vigilant with anything that could make him insecure like that again

* It really scared him the first couple times he did it, it still does. He hates losing time

* It started happening during his time with Ur, he cant remember a lot of it, training, blink, fighting, blink, training, blink, training, you get the idea

* It doesnt happen often, and he tried not to think of it past the point of trying to get it to stop

* Its happens often when hes highly stressed but theres no immediate physical threat, his brain doesnt understand whats going on or why its so stressed but knows he doesnt need to physically protect himself yet so it mentally protects him (if that makes sense), usually when hes alone, or when a threat is gone

* he confided in Erza about this once, and now more times than not when he ‘wakes up’ shes there talking to him

* only part he feels is good about it is that it makes him exhausted and lets him sleep easier

* He doesn’t usually dissociate often, not that he has much of a choice, if he did it wouldnt happen at all, but it was a lot worse when he was younger, his memories of early fairy tail are all blurry and he felt like he was on autopilot even when he was ‘awake’

* he hates it

* After his team found out abt his vast array of pharmaceuticals they were so confused and concerned and probably borderline paranoid, because who needs that many medications for one person??

* Gray had been taking sleeping pills at a high enough dose to let him have a dreamless sleep for so long that most over the counter brands dont actually work on him

* but he kept all the old bottle that didnt work just in case he got desperate to sleep and they suddenly magically worked again

* The caffeine tablets were self explanatory after seeing all the sleeping meds, but he also (unwillingly) admitted he takes them on missions so he wouldnt wake them if he had a nightmare, and also for days when they were especially bad so he could go long enough without sleep hed just crash and sleep with no issues. Canr have a nightmare if you dont sleep

* His team was also extremely unimpressed by these explanations

* Erza and Natsu (and also Happy) strong armed him into going to Porlyusica for actual helpful solutions since he refused to go to his actual doctor

* While Lucy and Wendy disposed of the full fucking pharmacy (seriously, he coulda started a business or smth) he had in his bedroom

* For some odd reason he felt lighter and less moody when he was on actual helpful medication and was getting genuine rest

* how strange

* and if his team checks his house for another pharmacy in the making thats nobodies business but theirs

* Also Erza tried to ban Gray from caffeine while on a quest , or at least limit it, but he looked at her like she was absolutely batshit crazy to the point she got embarrassed and had to retract the ban

* But she will tie him to the bed to make him sleep on quests if she has to

* The first time Lucy asked where Gray was from was before Galuna, he ended up giving her a shady answer and redirecting the question to her (reminder, before galuna, before phantom lord) which she ended up also being a bit cagey about so she let it go

* But Lucy is nosy (endearing) by nature, so she asked if he had any different holiday type traditions sometime after Galuna, and to the surprise of, well, literally everyone, he did and gave examples

* which lead down a rabbit hole of the guild fretting a bit abt how to make him comfortable (even though hed been with them for a decade) bc he mentioned he used to be really homesick the first couple years, and sometimes still is

* Most the guild still had no clue where he was from so they were really just running in circles for awhile

* Levy tried to figure it out from the time he accidentally dropped, what she assumed to be colorful curse words, random foreign language bits

* didnt really work but she tried

* so for months he was bombarded with ‘subtle’ questions about his hometown and its culture, which got shut down most the time

* Thats not to say he didnt give them anything, he gave them enough that they were incorporated into existing traditions and holidays they already celebrated

* it was a very sweet gesture that Gray absolutely did not tear up at, so shut up—

* Gray is the most touch starved fool on the planet. ive always loved the idea of him liking touch a lot

* He grew up in a pretty affectionate family, his parents were always around to ruffle his hair, or hug, or hold his hand, or carry him, they were just very physically affectionate and he enjoyed it

* With it made him nauseous, guilty really, because Ur and Lyon were also physically affectionate but it wasnt them, it wasnt his family

* Also it was plain uncomfortable at times, part of learning ice magic was to almost numb himself to cold, but in the beginning numbed him to everything and it became uncomfortable to be touched because it was tingly and it hurt

* Early Fairy Tail he was completely closed off, couldnt stand being touched, didnt want to get cozy and make friends because he planned to leave anyways.

* Ice mages (Fire mages also) temperatures can fluctuate depending on how they feel, for example, if they’re experiencing negative emotions their temperature and the space around them will get colder

* and Gray used to be so angry and upset all the time, and hed just beginning to learn magic so he didnt know how to fix it yet, which caused a lot of discomfort for people.

* People didnt stay around him long because the discomfort of being too cold, and what was he gonna do about it? ask them to come back?? hell no

* So he gained a reputation and people didnt want to disrespect a volatile childs apparent boundaries so they didnt question it

* He was fine with fighting being the only real prolonged touch hed get, totally

* But Natsus got this thing about him that makes him think he can do the impossible, which includes shaking Grays world view and comfort levels

* At some point in their teens Natsu would not let go of the alleged fact that Grays didnt like being touched for some reason, so he did what he does best and pressed the issue

* it ended with Gray being a puddle in his lap while he had a crisis about everything he thought he knew about himself while Natsu celebrated his victory against him

* Its not completely public knowledge but the guild most definitely knows at least a little about how much Gray is touch starved

* he doesnt openly welcome it with open arms but if its happening and he trusts the person hes not gonna say no

* he probably gets a euphoria high from a head pat or smth

* After getting his devil slayer magic is absolutely got worse, having two powerful ice magics, one of which he was still struggling to get the hang of, in one body made it difficult to control the temperature around him, and after long enough people would start shivering if he wasnt careful

* it sucked, totally and completely sucked

* Natsu still remained unbothered and would increase his own temperature to counterbalance Grays, which helped a lot

* he still gets all up in Grays space no matter how much Gray tell him to fuck off, he knows he needs it

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lollytea · 1 year

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She was driven mad by the truth (Clover and Emmeline love Hunter to pieces)

#that scene in ftf makes me fucking insane!!!!#their concerned little faces as they trail after him #like. hes not going anywhere. hes just pacing. they dont need to do this #but theyre silly brainless little creatures. they dont really know how to comfort him.#all they know is that hes sad :( and they are filled with love for him :( so they want to be close to him so hes less alone :(#do you ever think about how #clover and emmeline spent who knows how many years lost and forgotten #without a witch #i feel like a bond with a witch is the core of any palisman. they feel a void if they dont have one #so their little brains can certainly put together how devastated hunter must be to lose his ''other half''#its literally the worst thing their little brains could think of. its heartbreaking for them to see #but again. thryre not the brightest. theyre just like ''he's all alone'' :(#so their solution is to attach themselves to him so hes not alone #thats all they can think to do. theyre trying #also i feel like a part of their love for hunter is influenced by willow and gus' love for hunter #considering witches and palismen have a mental link im sure they fully understand just how deep the adoration for this boy runs #and thats all the reason they need to love him too #(i cant sleep. so you get very emotional babbling about palismen)

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robotsafari · 2 months

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deep in the kingdom hearts trenches..

#beep boop you want fries with that #kingdom hearts #vexen #lexaeus #riku #ansem #i wanna draw lexaeus more but HIS HAIR IS GD NIGHTMARE #on the topic of lexaeus ik he doesnt raise his voice often but i made him do it for the bit. can you forgive me #btw vexen owes like. 50000 munny.#ALSO. riku-ansem. i liek in kh1 when ansem acts liek a gd FREAK in his body like sir WHAT ArE YOU DOING.#he does the exact same mannerisms and everything liek wooahh i love the attention to detail in kh and kh1 specifically.#guys did you know it took ppl many years to realize you can freeze the stove in trickmasters fight to make it easier wooaaahh #unfortunately riku-ansem in kh2 doesnt really have riku’s mannerisms reflected in ansem’s body which. sads #that wouldve been cutes.#the only time i cant think of that happening was when riku appeared hooded in front of sora in the mulan world #teh little gesture he does. and sora is liek. that must be him the only guy who does that is riku #but liek. the gesture is cute and awesome but riku’s expressions dont show up on ansem’s face sadly.#if you think he did then you are probably thinking of the manga. or theres a scene i havent seen yet #bc my kh2 knowledge is sloppy (LOL DAYS REFERENCE) due to me not having played the game when i was young #i only wwatched a cutscene comp when i was little #and memes. lots of meme videos #also hey can we all look at riku’s deranged smile when he was going to hit sora with the keyblade of the heart #FRANKLY ADORABLE.

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pushing500 · 6 months

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Today I was watching Toddler Ro run around the colony doing his thing (mostly bugwatching) when he started to get tired. He's perfectly capable of going to bed by himself, but Henry came over to carry him to his crib anyway. I bet Ro thinks Henry is the coolest big brother ever. <3

Andy drew a very helpful label/sign on the ship landing platform in case the landing beacons weren't enough to let passing shuttles know where they were supposed to touch down.

We had guests from the Hare Clan, and one of them was our ex-colonist Boomer, who we let go in a Diplomatic Marriage event.

He is not married to Eggardus yet, but the Vikings of the Hare Clan did entomb him in a warcasket. Poor boy. I might not have liked him very much, but I think he deserved better than to be reduced to little more than a machine of war.

Then when the guests from the Hare Clan were departing, they left me this very thoughtful gift. I haven't decided if I'm going to keep it or not. Part of me thinks it would be a very weird thing to use, but another part of me thinks it would be really, really funny.

First | Next | Previous

#rimworld #gracie plays #The Animist Alliance #art #my art #traditional art #rimworld art #unpolished art #slightly more polished art than usual #Henry is engineered as a soldier #I think he is fiercely loyal to everyone at Eureka #And if they won't let him fight to protect them then the least he can do is carry them to bed when their legs are tired #He's definitely strong enough #Plus I thought it'd be cute to draw #Just like Andy's adorable rocketship drawing #“Spaceships go here” he says as he scribbles with chalk on the landing platform #I wondered if we'd ever see Boomer again #I'm glad he came to visit but it makes me a bit sad at the same time #I liked his whacky old-timey sleazy salesman vibe #Big robots and battlesuits aren't really to my taste #which is an odd thing for a T'au player to say now that I think about it #Oh well I don't like the T'au for their battlesuits anyhow #Any ideas for what to do with the thoughtful gift of muffalo mammaries are welcome #Have a fabulous day everyone!! xoxo

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honeydewtreacle · 8 months

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Clips of my favorite lost puppydog! I may be endlessly saddened by this incarnation of him, but I can't ever bring myself to love him any less.

(source)

#alex brightman #wicked boq #i ADORE this loser #but do not get me started on my very strong feelings when it comes to his changes between book and musical #I'm sure anyone whos read the book knows what i mean #it just makes me sad #i fear for the movie but i also risk being optimistic - that with all that extra time he might get his personality back?#that or he'll be made 1000x worse and i don't know if my little heart could handle that #sorry i love him!#im too shy to put this in the main wicked tag #brighty

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sapphicdib · 5 months

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hey random thought but I was looking at the overseer description on the rain world wiki and it said that the green overseers only spawn in outer expanse and subterranean and that got me thinking

unlike spearmaster who had srs watching over them through the red overseer (until pebbles zap it outta existence) Hunter didn’t have any overseer watching over them

That means that Nsh wouldn’t know for sure if Hunter succeed in the mission because Hunter never made it back home, either succumbing to the rot or passing on through the void sea and Siggy wasn’t watching his cat unlike Suns

Nsh probably thought that once Moon wakes up, she could message the entire local group again however, Moon’s collapse left her in a state where she couldn’t communicate with the other iterators even after her revival

I mean, to cut slack for Nsh. Pebbles did put the entire region into lockdown (see five pebbles dialogue for when gourmand first enters the cann) so he probably couldn’t get in with Hunter but still

from Nsh’s perspective moon’s fate is uncertain. His hunter’s fate is uncertain.

Maybe he saw the little messenger going through subterranean which meant that Hunter probably succeeded. Maybe the last he has seen if his slugcat was before the Hunter entered the region and Hunter hasn’t returned home yet nor did Moon showed any signs of activity.

Maybe his plan worked and the keys were delivered. He wouldn’t know for sure…

basically all I’m saying is that Nsh feels like the person who would had definitely thrown more (hopefully non-cancerous) slugcats towards Moon instead of tossing Hunter and the angstiest option for why he didn’t was because he thought his plan fail as Hunter will never go home in the base game and Moon couldn’t communicate her revive

UGH YES!!! i hc that you can still see sig’s overseers sometimes in subterranean/outer expanse is because she’s still…well, desperately searching. at first for a sign of hunter, and then for a sign of moon when he realizes hunter’s probably not returning, or perhaps a way to get into the facility to see if his plan even worked.

part of the reason i think hunter was so sick is just because by the time sig made her, his facility wasn’t in the best shape, and he was rushing, desperate to save moon. in the note she sends her it literally says “excuse the unorthodox delivery method, equipment eroding etc etc”. i truly do not believe sig is “bad at making slugcats” or “didn’t follow suns’ instructions” because his dialogue PROVES THAT HE CAME UP WITH THE CONCEPT FIRST. (sorry that shit grinds my gears when ppl brush sig off as either stupid or malicious when it comes to hunter) because like…this mission is SO important to her. why the hell would he make hunter sick, therefore limiting her time to get to moon and possibly causing her death before she could reach her goal?

hunter’s last wish in the void sea is to be back in sig’s arms. if he were truly malicious/didn’t show respect for her messengers, why would hunter want to return? so yeah, seeing his overseer out in the outer expanse, searching for hunter or a sign of moon being alive just ;-;

i don’t rlly think she sent more messengers after that, mainly bc he knows any slugcats he makes after hunter will likely meet the same fate due to the erosion of her equipment/the fact he thinks “there will be nothing left of moon by the time one is ready”. sig just breaks my heart because she tried and tried and tried, reaching out as far as he could, and still never knew if his plan even worked. i’m gonna stop here bc if i keep talking i am going to be writing a goddamn essay that would be better than anything i ever turned in in university LMFAO i have so many goddamn Feelings about no significant harassment rain world.

also me n ghost are actually doing an rp that’s kind of like this lmfao, and in it the reason hunter gets sick is because sig basically works herself so hard she ends up damaging his structure and the sudden power failure/shutdown affects his experiments. (obviously that has no basis in canon and is more just us writing fanfiction about what could have possibly happened)

anyways after all that angst, here is a screenshot from my game where sig’s overseer showed up and sees moon bringing sluppy hunter home :’) in my dreams i can pretend she made it back LMFAO

#THIS GAME HURTS ME SO MUUUUCH #GOD I LOVE IT #GOD I LOVE SIG #i could literally write essays about sig’s personality and motives and stuff like #do not get me wrong. i love the silly memey jokester personality the fandom gives her…but that is covering up so much grief and anger that #it’s clearly just a mask he’s using to seem okay…as much as i hate the whole ‘happy character is actually sad’ trope #i absolutely adore sig. i love making him goofy and sweet but god is he carrying so much angst on his shoulders #tbh he really gets the short end of the damn stick in game…at least suns gets their messenger back lol #anyways yeah. i love my goofy bioengineer who loves his friends and tries to keep the mood light but in the end just gets crushed w grief #HOUGH. HUNTERS CAMPAIGN IS MY FAV FOR A REASON.#rw #letters #sorry this took so long to respond to i wanted to make my thoughts at least semi organized

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gamethecry · 4 months

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#jeez. i wont say much there's a lot of emotions behind this for me for numerous numerous reasons that i won't get into too too much #so i put it in the tags how i feel in this moment of clarity yet also somber #i am going to miss matpat in ways i do not believe i can express in words and i know that sounds like a lot to put into some guy #some guy on youtube no less; but he has helped with through so so much turmoil and sadness that would not have been pushed through #had it not been for him and the way he is genuine and kind to his fanbase #im sad ill never have met him in person; he is by far one of my favorite creators from my wee ages to now and a huge inspo to me to do what #i love and not want works; but to strive to be a better person and to make a difference where i stand.#this blog means a lot to me and is in my own way my little child that i was sad to part with time and time again #i think this is my sign to mayhaps retire this blog fully; but who knows! i wanted to post something funny and acknowledge this was happeni #because it honestly hit really hard all of a sudden #sorry for rambling and thank you if you read all of this!#▇ 🌟┊🎮 ❝ isucc ❞ 🎮┊🌟 ▇ (isaac murmurs)#▇ 🌟┊🎮 ❝ just an adoring fan ❞ 🎮┊🌟 ▇ (ooc tag)

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catominor · 5 months

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This Years Thoughts On Reading. tbh

the past year i read a lot more than i had in quite some time. to be fair, i didn't finish most of the books i started, didn't start most of the books i want to read, and spent most of my time wasting time on social media still (i don't know why i can't stop doing this. i don't even enjoy it past a certain point). i didn't do well in my university classes. but for a really long time i've found it very difficult to read at all, even to read fiction. i read a lot of fiction (by my standards) this year, especially historical fiction set in ancient rome (though i also read some other good books, favorites among which are probably queer by william burroughs, night side of the river by jeannette winterson, and invisible cities by italo calvino. i also read quite a few short stories and a bit of poetry), i read or started /some/ nonfiction, i read or started /some/ ancient literature, and i had a poem and a short story published in my university's poetry journal and newspaper respectively...

but, really, i feel a little in over my head. i don't really feel like i can do this, by which i mean i still don't think i'm trying hard enough at university. i feel behind everyone else, despite the fact that since i've transferred to a different university having done 2 years before, i still have this and another year before i graduate. even though most of the people in my year will be 2 years younger than me i feel like i am behind them (did i mention that i did badly on my exams last year?)

especially before university i was never a particularly good student, honestly (i was like. a C average, though in my 3rd and 4th years of high school i started to try a little harder) and i think i spend a lot of time now fruitlessly wishing that i had tried harder and taken more of an interest in things. i still wish i tried harder. i still wish that passion was enough to fuel me to actually focus on filling out my historical reading. i wish i just didn't feel so stupid sometimes, honestly. sometimes i'll open a book that's a bit dense or technical and it just makes me feel like the biggest idiot in the world. i wish i was better at articulating my thoughts. i also wish i understood literary analysis or criticism. in a lot of ways now i feel dumber than i was a few years ago, and i don't know why.

#on a lighter note at least i can post about cato on here.even though i may be stupid i think i can be a little funny about history sometimes #tbh. books that made me feel stupid this year: thomas yingling's hart crane and the homosexual text. i tried to read this and it was #utterly incomprehensible to me. which was so sad because i absolutely adore hart crane he's my favorite poet. and also weird cause crane's #poems are also very obscure and hard to understand but one of the few things that makes me Not feel stupid is that i enjoy them and at leas #sort-of understand them to the degree one can (even people who study him admit that he is very difficult)#and books that made me kind of feel stupid but also feel like reading them was making me smarter: girard's violence and the sacred. i am #only like. 2 chapters into it and it takes me days to read one because it's so dense however it's one of those books that like. i can feel #it reordering the way i think about things. it's sooo fascinating and good and i started it cause i heard ppl talking about it on here #honestly i think a lot of my problems around the kind of thing in the post with school though is that i was always this person where everyo #would constantly tell me how well i could do if i would only try harder. but the problem is i just Couldnt try harder. i dont know why and #still dont know why i cant do it. it was constantly told to me that i had Potential. but i can never.actually access this supposed Potentia

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