#it's not even the covid itself im scared of (and i am) as the thing that has happened every time AFTER i had covid | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

dramaqueeenamby · 3 years

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Waves: Quarantine

A/N: It's been way too long since I've done something for the Wavesverse, and I apologize deeply. I have a few requests related to this series to complete, but I couldn't knock this idea.

Words: 4K

Warnings: None

Tags: @babe-im-bi @notacamelthatsmywife @missyperle @queenoftheworldisdead @tashawar @valkryienymph @letsshamelessqueen-m @hello-therree @mani-lifes @liquorlaughslove @toni9 @koko-michelle @theequeenofcurses @taylortheeshowpony

Waves

Summer placed her phone inside of the mount and made sure that it was secured before she sat back in her bed, getting comfortable with the mass of pillows supporting her back, and smiling tentatively. “Hi, guys.”

Summer!

Someone tell me this isn’t a joke???? Please???

She lives!

Sis, blink twice if you need help.

Summer rolled her eyes. “Ya’ll better stop. I know it’s been a minute since I’ve hopped on live, but it hasn’t been that damn long.”

Summer continued to read the comments where more than a few people pointed out she hadn’t gone live on Instagram in over three months. Her mouth dropped. “Ya’ll lying. It has not been almost six months, has it?” She placed her hand over her mouth when people started dropping dates in the comments. “Okay, I stand corrected. Damn, I’m sorry, guys.”

Don’t be sorry, bestie. Do better!

Damn, ya’ll are so entitled. Celebrities have lives too.

What life? We all been in quarantine.

Rich people quarantine be different from us poor folks, I guess.

“So that’s actually one of the things I wanted to talk about.” Summer cleared her throat. “And I’m going to try really hard to make sure I word what I want to say as clear and as effective as I can, but I know this is still going to end up as a salacious headline. So, it is what it is.”

Oooh, Summer about to drop some tea.

I don’t see her wedding ring, ya’ll…..

I’m scared omg.

Watch this be nothing but a role announcement.

She shrugged and took a deep breath. “Okay, so a few days ago, I did the Buss It challenge, after being harassed by Sanda. And can I just say that filming was a challenge in and of itself? Not necessarily the movements but preparing? I’ve got two kids, twins, who are like the Tasmanian devil. I was literally up at 3 something in the morning trying to record it because my wild children won’t let me be great.” She chuckled. “Kids are something else.”

Summer truly jumped through hoops and was a damn near acrobat trying to figure out when she could not only get herself done up but actually record the challenge. Being the perfectionist that she was didn’t help, but the fact that she couldn’t recall the last time she’d put on makeup and dressed up was a whole other fiasco.

Quarantine definitely brought out her bum side.

“All of that aside, I truly was satisfied and happy with the final product when I posted it. In hindsight, I should have just left it that, but I wake up every day and choose chaos, so I decided to read the comments.” She blew out a breath. “One of the most frequent comments and really, insults, I’ve received my whole career. Primarily, since I was cast as Storm, revolves around how I look. I.e., my weight. I’ve been called fat, obese, out of shape, and so many other things.”

It was 100% true. The minute Marvel announced that she’d been chosen to play Storm, the racists came all out of the woodworks. She was too short, too chubby, too dark, too black. And Summer didn’t care, not a bit.

“Even,—and I’ll tell you guys this, when I first started my SS training, that’s what I call it, SS for Storm Shape, there was a—person who worked for Marvel at the time who came to visit me while I was training.” She smiled thinking back on that day. She could still recall it so clearly. “He basically was pissed because to him, I still looked the same, fat and out of shape.” She adjusted her top and shifted in her bed. “That same day, I deadlifted and bench-pressed over 200lbs” She paused for effect. “What I need for people to stop doing is stop fucking projecting—and I’m going to cuss in this, so if you don’t like it, oh well. I work for Disney, but I’m a grown ass woman, and I’m going to say what I want.”

I am screaming. Summer said we getting alll the tea today!

So, it’s wrong to point out that someone is physically unhealthy now, cool?

The problem is that no one wants to see a fat superhero. It’s not realistic.

^^^^ Tell me you have a small dick without actually telling me you have a small dick.

“I saw Lizzo, whom I adore, post a Tik Tok where she basically said that she workouts to have the body she wants not what ya’ll want, and honestly? Same. She said that her body type is no one’s fucking business, and that’s so true. Ya’ll love to hop on this internet and pick apart people you don’t even know and criticize bodies you don’t even have to live in and move around with. And for what?” She shook her head, slamming her fist into her open palm as she spoke. She was fully invested now. “I know we in quarantine, but damn, pick another hobby cause being a bully is not it, sweetie.”

I really needed to hear this today.

Using Lizzo as a point of reference makes everything you’re saying null and void. Lizzo is clearly overweight and at risk for diabetes, heart disease, just to name a few…..

I been saying this! You can’t look at a person and say they’re unhealthy.

Bodies come in so many forms, and all are beautiful.

“Now, I bring all this up because a lot of people were commenting on my Buss It challenge and pointing out the fact that I’ve gained weight, and guess fucking what? I have, and you know what else?” She leaned over to whisper while covering her mouth with her hands for focused effect. “I don’t care.”

Summer laughed and shook her head. “As others have pointed out as well, yes, we have a gym in our house. I 1000% acknowledge the fact that having the resources that I do as a celebrity and someone who has money puts me in a different category. Hell, my husband has a whole fitness app. I recognize that. If I wanted to keep up with my workouts, emphasis on wanted, I could have. I own up to that, but I just didn’t feel like it, and that’s okay. What’s not okay is to send and leave mean messages calling me all kinds of names.”

Summer had thick skin. She always had. Growing up with her family, who always ensured to feed her self esteem and make sure she knew that she was beautiful, definitely paid off. It was just a combination of quarantine and not having a lot of opportunities to keep herself busy with work that had her feeling some type of way.

“And that’s something else I wanted to bring up.” She blew out another breath and tried to gather her emotions. This was the subject she was almost certain she’d grow teary eyed discussing. “I love my husband to death. My children are everything. Christopher’s family is like my own, but— I haven’t seen my family, like my mom, grandma, brothers, etc in almost a year.” She paused, dwelling on that. Almost an entire year since she’d been able to physically hug and interact with the people who made her who she was. “And I’ve always made it clear how much I fucking love my family. I live in Australia. I can’t do a drive by with grandma so I and my kids can at least see her on the doorstep.” She quieted again, eyes darting off as she quietly cursed. “I’m trying really hard not to cry right now.”

Please don’t cry, bestie.

This is the side of quarantine that people don’t talk about enough.

Has this woman never heard of FaceTime????

I feel her pain. I live in Europe, and my family is in the states. This quarantine has been brutal.

My grandma died from COVID, and I couldn’t even go to the funeral. Summer is bringing up a good point.

“Damn,” Summer chuckled bitterly and wiped at the tears that fell. “I’m okay, I promise. I just bring this up because quarantine has also been very hard for me in that aspect. At certain points, I’ve been down, I’ve been in my head a lot, and I just was not, for the most part, in a space where I felt like I had to keep up my fitness regimen. And that’s okay. I put my mental wellbeing ahead of making sure my body is socially acceptable. Sue me.”

I really appreciate her honesty.

Summer never goes beyond surface level in interviews, so seeing her this vulnerable is really surprising.

Are we supposed to feel bad for her? She’s rich. She can afford whatever help she needed.

These comments are not passing the vibe check.

Ya’ll are all mental health advocates, but when a black woman is opening up about her struggle, it’s discarded?

“And let me make this clear too, I have an amazing husband who is so patient and so kind. He’s one of the best people I can go to when my anxiety hits, so I don’t want this to come across as me complaining that I’ve been alone. I have him and our children. I just miss the rest of my family. That’s all.” She dried her eyes and started to read the comments, unsurprised by the mixed reaction. She expected as such and was unaffected. At least until she saw one comment.

@ChrisEvans: ❤️❤️❤️

“Evans!” Summer wasn’t expecting to see his name pop up. It’d been such a task convincing him to join IG, let alone teaching him how to operate it. “Let’s go live.”

Not my husband and wife in my head about to go live!!!!

Imagine being able to call Chris Evans your best friend

I still say they smashed idc

It’s Christopher Jamal Evans hopping on this live for me.

^^^ I’m so sick of y’all with that shit.

“Let me try to add him,” Summer spoke to herself, scrolling through the comments to find his so she could request him. “Alright, I requested him. Let’s see if he answers.”

She wondered if she should have sent him a text asking if he was available when he appeared on her screen, effectively splitting it with her on the top and him on the bottom.

“Punk.”

“Kid.”

Summer smiled and greeted, “Hi, best friend.”

He chuckled. “How you doing, Summer?”

“Clearly not as good as the people watching,” she chimed. Summer saw nothing but heart eyes and hearts in the comments. “These people really love you. You truly are a manipulative bastard. He’s an asshole, guys.”

“Don’t be jealous, Summer. It’s so unbecoming of you.”

“You can go to hell.”

“Language,” he playfully reprimanded. “Where are the kids?”

“At preschool. Things are finally starting to open back up over here. Thank God.” She clasped her hands together. “Y’all, please wear masks. Don’t be Karen’s.”

Chris laughed, grabbing his chest. “We’re getting there, Summer.”

“The lies you tell,” she countered. “Don’t A Starting Point, me. Ya’ll are far from getting there, and I’m tired of it. I wanna see my family.”

He sighed. “I know, but how are you feeling today?”

“I got rid of the kids, so that’s definitely a weight lifted,” she answered honestly, laughing when she saw judgmental comments in the chat. “Listen, if you’re a parent, you know where I’m coming from. You love your kids, but my god, sometimes you just need some space.”

“As soon as this all blows over, I told you to send em’ by me for a couple of weeks.”

“Best friend, I already purchased their tickets.” He laughed. “As soon as I get the green light, they are all yours. Feel free to keep them.”

“You guys see how she is?” He pointed to Summer, leaning and squinting to read what was being said. “I do love kids, especially the twins, they’re amazing.”

“He is really really great with them, guys,” Summer added. “One thing about Evans, he’s patient as hell and really, just a big kid. Why do you think him and Christopher get along so well? 40 going on 4.”

“I resent that.”

“Is it a lie though?”

He hesitated. “No.” They both laughed.

I’m loving the dynamic between these two so much.

Is it just me or are they flirting with each other…..

Ain’t nothing inappropriate about this conversation. Ya’ll are reaching…

Ya’ll remember that blind item that came out years ago alleging Chris (Evans) was the biological father of the twins? Hmm…..

^^^^^This kind of bullshit is the reason we’re in a global pandemic.

As always, Summer and Evans ignored any foolery that was being dropped in the comments when she caught a comment that didn’t contain some ridiculous rumor.

“Yes, it is true that Evans and Christopher weren’t allowed to do press together anymore. Ya’ll, they literally could not stay serious for more than a minute. I felt so bad for the poor interviewers.”

“Hey, we were not that bad,” Evans protested, his Boston accent more prominent.

She gasped. “You guys were terrible, Evans, and you know it. I was so mad when they put me with ya’ll those few times. I could barely hear the interviewers over your laughing and stupid commentary that literally no one asked for.”

“We did not.”

“There’s deadass video proof, Evans.”

“Fake news.”

She opened her mouth but caught herself. “I was about to say something.”

He laughed and asked, “Do you remember how we all got drunk before the Infinity War premiere?”

“No, ya’ll got drunk. I was big and pregnant, remember?”

“No,” he dismissed. “You were drinking with us.”

“Evans, how was I drinking when I was pregnant?” She challenged and reminded. “I got drunk with ya’ll for the Endgame premiere, not Infinity War.”

“That’s right,” he remembered and chuckled. “You think we’ll get in trouble for saying this?”

She shrugged with one shoulder. “You’re dead, Christopher never gets in trouble for anything, and I do what I want. I think we’re good.”

Kevin Feige watching this live right now like 🥴🥴🥴🥴

I never realized how arrogant she is……

LMAO. Not the whole cast showing up drunk to the biggest premiere of their lives.

Chris Evans is too damn fine to be approaching 40 and still single.

Their friendship is so goals omg

@ChrisHemsworth: Snitches

Summer’s jaw dropped as she caught the last comment, swiping up to click the name and make sure that she was reading correctly. “Christopher, what the hell are you doing on my live?”

Evans brows furrowed. “Hemmy is here? Shouldn’t he be working?”

“That’s what I want to know,” Summer supplied. “And how long have you been watching?”

@ChrisHemsworth: Long enough.

She smiled nervously and looked off to the side. “I feel weird now. I don’t like when he watches my lives.”

“Aren’t you guys married?”

“Aren’t you supposed to be shutting the fuck up?”

Evans lifted his hands in a defensive manner. “Touchy subject, I see.” They shared another laugh as he cleared his throat. “Why don’t you add him now? I’m supposed to be helping Scott cook.”

“My favorite Evans,” she gushed and furrowed her brows. “You, cooking? Since when?”

“Get out of here.” He waved her off and reminded. “I’m not the one who constantly causes near fires when in the kitchen.”

“So, you really just putting all my business out there like that?”

“Summer, it’s not secret to anyone that you can’t cook for shit.”

“Wow, it really be your own best friends.”

He chuckled. “Love you, kid.”

“Love you too, punk,” she blew a kiss. “I’ll text ya’ later.”

“Alright.” He smiled for the camera. “Thanks for having me everyone.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” she said jokingly. Evans and Summer said goodbye one last time before he left the live. She blew out a breath and ran her hand through her hair. “Baby, comment something so I can add you. It’s too many comments to wade through.”

Summer adjusted her phone and checked the time on the clock on the wall. It’d been a while since the kids were away at school, and she didn’t want to get so caught up that she was late picking them up.

@ChrisHemsworth: I can’t. I’m too drunk.

Summer released a mixture of a laugh and a snort reading his comment. “You are so damn petty.” She clicked his name and adjusted her outfit while waiting for him to answer. She almost cursed when it seemed like he wasn’t going to join, only for her to smile when his face appeared on her screen.

“Hi,” she greeted in a soft voice with a small smile.

“Hello, Sandcastle.”

“Did you just—I swear to god, it’s always something with you.” Summer rubbed her temples and shook her head. Christopher smiled in response. “Why aren’t you working?”

“I am.”

“You are?”

“Yes.”

“If you’re working, how are you talking to me?” She asked, sassily.

“Umm, a little thing called multitasking, ever heard of it?”

“Wow. You are an asshole.”

“That’s mean.”

“You’re mean.”

“Christopher, you are literally a child.”

“Does a child have muscles like this?” He flexed, and Summer stilled. Christopher stayed in ridiculous shape, but this was another level. He’d never been this massive, and she wasn’t too proud to admit that. Just not aloud.

She faked a yawn. “Am I supposed to be impressed?”

They really just be roasting each other all the time, and I’m here for it.

Summer must be legally blind because this man is stupid fine tf

It’s gotta be steroids. That’s not natural.

^^^^^He’s the god of thunder.

Summer rolled her eyes at the typical nature of the comments. These were the reasons she limited her time on social media and especially stayed away from reading the comments. Her attention was redirected to the top of her phone. It was a text from Christopher asking her to call him.

“But we’re—oh, I get it.” She realized he wanted to talk to her, not her and her tens of millions of followers. “Alright, guys, I’m gonna get off here so I can talk to my husband, alone.”

“She just doesn’t want to share me with you all, that’s all.”

“Don’t even start, Christopher,” she lectured while he laughed and got serious, for a minute tops.

“Hope you all are taking care and staying safe,” he spoke honestly. “And we’ll talk to you soon.”

Summer waved and smile. “Bye, guys. Remember to be kind.” Summer offered a final smile before ending the live. Closing up the app, she moved to open FaceTime and called up Christopher. He answered almost immediately. “You know I hate when you watch my Lives. Now, how much did you see?”

“Enough to know you’re coming to see me tonight.”

She laughed aloud. “Funny.”

“I’m serious, Summer.” Focusing on him, she realized that there was no humor in his voice nor his expression. Summer also noticed that he didn’t have the Thor wig on yet, which was probably why he was able to go live with her. He was waiting to get into hair and makeup. “Leave the kids with Liam. It’s not like he’s doing anything.”

“Christopher!”

“What? Is he not a professional unemployed bastard.”

Summer’s smile remained as she shook her head. “You are so mean.”

“I’ll handle the flight arrangements. You, my beautiful wife, just make sure you get on the jet so I can handle you.”

“Christopher, you’re working. People with everyday jobs don’t just up and show up to their spouses workplace because they miss them or need a break from the kids. That’s how folks get fired.”

Christopher started to move around, walking somewhere, she realized. “What are you doing?”

“Hey, Tike.”

Summer’s eyes widened slightly. “Christoper!”

“Sup, man?” Taika asked casually, as Summer laughed again. Taika Waititi was such a character.

“You mind if Summer comes up for a few days?”

“Sure, man,” he replied almost right away. “Bring the kids and chickens too.”

“I am not bringing those damn chickens,” she immediately protested.

Christopher made a sound. “Ha, so you are coming!”

“I didn’t say that.”

Taika joined Christopher so that he was in camera. “Hey, Summer, why don’t you come on join? You can have a cameo. Chickens, too.”

She rubbed her temples. Taika’s and Chris’s friendship would never not make sense to her. They were cut from the same cloth. “One, hey. Two, I was already in Ragnarok. I’m good on the cameos. Three, what is with ya’ll and those creepy looking chickens?”

“Whoa, creepy? What did the chickens ever do?”

“Exist,” Summer answered dryly. She still hadn’t forgiven Evans and Christopher for convincing her to let the kids keep those damn things. Her home was becoming more and more of a farm with each animal that joined the household.

“Tough crowd, that one, ehh?”

“Always,” Christopher agreed.

“I can hear you both,” she reminded and groaned loudly. Summer would love to spend a few days away from the kids. Chris would be working, yes, but she’d at least get some time for herself. Even better, alone adult time with her husband. That had also been a bit tricky during quarantine because of her rambunctious twins. Still, she disliked using her status as a celebrity to gain things, and this would definitely be a case of using status for pull. “I don’t know….”

Deep in her thoughts, she hadn’t realized that Chris had walked away and returned to wherever he was prior to finding Taika, most likely his trailer.

“What if you only stayed a night?” Chris tried to bargain. “The flight is only an hour and a half. That will give you more than enough time to come here, let me fix you dinner, run you a nice bath, maybe get in the good ole’ horizontal tango—”

“You know I hate when you call it that,” she reminded quietly, admitting. “That does sound nice, though.”

“Or, I can come to you—“

“Absolutely not. Christopher, you’re already doing so much back and forth as it is.” One of the good things to come out of quarantine, to Summer at least, was that it forced many people to take a much needed break. Her husband was one of those people. Christopher had been working nonstop since she met him. Project after project, film after film, many of them Marvel films, which put a whole other layer of difficulty what with the strenuous physical requirements. Even now as he shot Thor 4, he was in the best shape he’d ever been, muscles nearly tearing the cotton of his clothes. He looked amazing, but it was what they couldn’t see that she was starting to grow a little concerned over. Christopher wasn’t as young as he once was. He had to slow down, eventually.

Summer realized this would be a perfect chance to have a conversation about just that with him, which all but led her to her final decision.

“Alright,” she conceded, finger up as she made her demands. “Three days, and I stay at the house while you shoot. We may be returning to normal, but we’re still in a pandemic. I won’t go around anyone except you.”

“So I get you all to myself? Hardly consider that a stipulation.”

“And…we talk.”

“After the horizontal tango—“

“I swear to God, if you don’t stop calling it that—“

“What was that, sweetheart? I wasn’t listening.” She saw that he had paused the screen, causing Summer to remember that she hadn’t even consulted with the babysitter. “Making flight arrangements for you.”

“Shit, let me text Liam and make sure he’s available.”

“He gets reception in the box?”

“Christopher! For the last time, your brother is not living in a box.”

“Do you know that for certain?”

“Goodbye, Christopher,” she prepared to end the call before smiling softly. “I love you, Christopher, and thank you.”

He winked. “I’ll always do anything for you, Summer. Anything.” A beat. “Don’t forget to leave the clothes. You won’t need them.”

“Christopher!”

#chris hemsworth x black!oc #chris hemsworth x black!reader #chris hemsworth fanfic #chris hemsworth fandom #chris hemsworth fanfiction #fic: waves

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fairycosmos · 2 years

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The whole idea of death and not existing anymore literally terrifies me. I genuinely can't cope with thinking about my own mortality. It sends me into an anxious spiral. A lot of people say it's irrational and egocentric and we're not supposed to fear it and there's not point fearing death but like not wanting to die is kind of a crucial part of keeping yourself alive so how is that irrational? I feel like it's human to fear death, like it's ingrained in us for survival. But it's also human to accept the reality of death because we all know it happens. Idk. Covid and the state of the world got me thinking and stressing a lot about mortality lately.

yeah i totally hear u. it’s weird because i oscillate strongly between suicidal ideation and an extreme fear of death so im constantly in two minds about it. but like you said, being scared of it is the most natural thing in the world. our survival instinct is the strongest drive powering us nd death is the greatest unknown, which again we’re programmed to be afraid of. so i don’t really understand why anyone would try to minimise ur feelings towards it because they make total sense! it’s not black and white. a lot of people think death is treated very distantly in the western world, that we’re not very engaged or in tune with it as a society anymore which could contribute to the paralysing fear surrounding it, but who knows. it’s a genuinely terrifying part of being a human and i am not sure i will ever accept it either. when the blind panic regarding dying overwhelms me, i try to ground myself in two rationalities. the first being that it’s inevitable, and no amount of worrying is going to change what will be. and the second is that i am probably not even going to realise i am dead once i am gone. there will be no burst of loss or earth shattering grief. will probably just be like going to sleep one day and not waking up. which is an awful thought in and of itself, but it’s not going to be some big dramatic heartbreaking event that i am consciously aware of at least not for more than mere seconds. sometimes in my effort to reassure myself i even get sort of stupid about it lol - i start imagining myself as a 300 year old immortal being with a decaying body, and then the idea of death becomes vaguely preferable. it’s just the ebb and flow of things, and it’s terrible of course. especially when it doesn’t happen naturally. but i suppose there’s no point in grieving the future as it hasn’t even happened yet, and you still have a whole life to live. unfortunately i think we can reassure ourselves all we want but at the end of the day our own mortality is going to tower over us until the end. covid and grief definitely exacerbated it for me, too. it’s such an inexplicable thing. i hope ur able to find ways to manage the anxiety and to live fully despite it, though i know it’s easier said than done. there’s definitely a lot that can be done in terms of therapy that will help you come to terms with this in time btw, since existential dread is so common. engaging in professionally recommended self soothing techniques and even just talking about it can lessen the weight a little. since you can’t change death, all you can do is try to change how you cope with it. hope u can consider it. sending a huge hug ur way x

#anon

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iznitlovely · 2 years

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I posted 303 times in 2021

9 posts created (3%)

294 posts reblogged (97%)

For every post I created, I reblogged 32.7 posts.

I added 22 tags in 2021

#personal - 13 posts

#interesting - 1 posts

#so goodddddd - 1 posts

#my yeonbin hearttttrt ugh - 1 posts

#cant get over how good hueningkai looks blond - 1 posts

#look at him - 1 posts

#levi can like... get it - 1 posts

#sexy fidget spinner man - 1 posts

#im so excited - 1 posts

#amazing - 1 posts

Longest Tag: 97 characters

#retweeting reblogging reposting every single blonde hueningkai pics im not over how good he looks

My Top Posts in 2021

Working in a fast-paced environment is so tiring. I don't think I can do this for 10-20 more years. I might've adapted, but the truth is, it's really unhealthy.

1 notes • Posted 2021-10-06 07:38:56 GMT

I haven't been feeling too good lately. My procrastination's has been worse since the past few weeks. My anxiety is over the roof. Sometimes I needed to cry, just to relieve the pain. And yes, I know I need a professional's help with this. I've been procrastinating that too. What is wrong with me? Is it the pandemic that's making me feel this way? Am I scared to go out of the door because of covid or am I scared of confrontating a doctor?

My heart's beating so fast. Is there any traditional cure for anxiety lol? No one can help me, unfortunately this thing has crawled its way into my brain and set up camp there. The thing is, I know these thoughts are dumb. Idiotic, even. I just can't seem to shut it off.

I wonder, is this the reason I feel the need to be 'productive' in every second of the day?

One of these days I will. I will make that doctor's appointment. Please oh please, I hope I will.

1 notes • Posted 2021-02-18 11:04:09 GMT

I've resigned

I've been procrastinating excessively these days. Is it because of laziness or just "my work is ending" syndrome? I just feel so unmotivated to do anything. My boss gave me a big task right before I leave haih. Is this the resignation blues people talk about?

2 notes • Posted 2021-09-27 03:23:16 GMT

Finished watching attack on titan on netflix and cant wait for the next season so im just gonna read the manga. I'm superrrrr impatient right now plus i need to see my precious Levi 😭😭

2 notes • Posted 2021-04-29 09:21:54 GMT

Do I really look that gullible? Sighhh.

Yes. I know you need my help to do stuff. And to be honest, I’m really really REALLY okay with helping. It’s just that I wish you guys would give me the same effort and energy to me whenever I need help. I help u guys with big big stuff. BIGGG STUFF! and whenever I need help, u give this half-assed effort. Sometime u guys even ignore me????? I feel so dejected. Please I’m begging, do better.

You might not have meant to ignore the stuff from me, but I’m telling you it hurts like a bitch. No matter how busy I am, I’m always prepared to help and lend an ear. In a heartbeat. I’ve experienced this heartbreak before and I don’t want history to repeat itself.

3 notes • Posted 2021-02-10 12:13:52 GMT

Get your Tumblr 2021 Year in Review →

#my 2021 tumblr year in review #your tumblr year in review

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surpriserose · 3 years

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Literally serophobia is still a big problem and this shit is important. Im speaking for america here but the lack of good informative sex ed and not scared straight pseudoscience when its not straight up religious bullshit plus the lack of education about the hiv crisis in history classes slash the lack of focus it seems to get nowadays in popular lgbt circles and culture due to rainbow capitalism plus the shitty status of care and understanding slash criminalization of drug addicts just makes the problem worse. Sorry for that middle point im actually mostly thinking of like pride parades and shit becoming advertising opportunities instead of political statements and stuff. I think w/ pose for all its problems and celebrities starting to be open about their hiv status things are actually pretty good?

Iiiiiii am super rambling and unorganized here sorry this is just an important issue to me and it affects so many vulnerable communities. And i know people who are hiv positive so. Also this shit is really important considering the Republican response to covid and evangelicalism and ahhhghhhhhh.

Anyways im saying all this and i cant rly point to resources to learn more. I think most people will tell you to watch the open heart i think its called or read and the band played on but i cant speak for them. I would recommend reading Danez Smith's poetry collection Dont Call Us Dead which deals a lot with the intersection of being gay, black, and hiv positive. even if you dont like poetry please give it a chance. Their stuff is just that good and it made me cry. there is some explicit stuff in there so i wouldnt reccomend it if youre a minor. I think you can find some videos of them preforming their poetry if you cant find the book itself.

#This is just so rambling im so sorry i just have strong opinions and emotions tm #Covid mention #Ask to tag #This turned into a post to promote dont call us dead but its so good its the book that finally made poetry click for me #Long post #religion mention

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preachersooc · 4 years

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So i was debating on whether or not to say anything about where I've been or why I haven't been around a lot. I'm still not sure if its the right thing as the few people that I'm remotely close to on this platform were already told in the Perished discord.

And lemme say that I ain't doing this for sympathy; I dont wanna hear how you'll pray for me or keep me in your thoughts 'cos most of yall dont even know who I am or even care enough to remember there is more to the people on this platform than the stories we weave like spider's webs.

The past couple of months I've been dealing with huge amounts of stress; we all have with the state of the world being what it is. Being thrusted into a position I wasn't completely ready for, dealing the stresses and issues that come with going from a small group of people I was leading to a team double it's size.

But lately I've been dealing with things I think people are thinking is a joke, thinking is a lie that one side of the politician's picket line is pushing to spread fear and scare folks.

Well I am scared.. Not cos they lying but cos I've become one of the statistics; last week I got diagnosed and tested positive for Covid.

I did everything I was supposed to. I washed my hands with water and soap I thought was gonna slough my skin off. I used hand sanitizer so much yall think I was drinking it. The only people I'd get anywhere close to was my lady and my daughter. I didn't even go into walmart and instead had them grab my food and put in the car to minimize the amount of nasty ass people I came in contact with.

But it wasn't enough I guess.

Im better than I was but I'm not 100 percent. It still hurts to breathe, feeling like i got a barbell on my chest. Its hard to sleep. I can't eat anything without it Amazon priming itself right out my body.

I'm scared. I'm scared what this means in the future; this how I live now? Am i gonna get complications further down the line like these people that manage to survive are saying they have? Am I gonna end up ashes in a trash bag, buried in the dirt before my time?

Yall might think this is all a joke, think this is all about making sure you cant get your hair did or keeping you from going to singles night at the bar. It ain't, it's about making sure you don't end up sick like me or worse, sick like those people that have died from it.

Take care of yourselves...

#trigger warning #coronavirus

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mybeloved73 · 4 years

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My name is Chelsea and I’m a ITU Nurse.

I’m also a newly qualified nurse - I literally left Uni last year and began my job in the September.

My background - I didn’t always want to be a nurse. I wasn’t cut out for that sort of compassion or care. I dreamt of being a PT, an athlete, anything that was sports driven.

Until my boyfriend had a bike accident, that then left him in ITU. He later succumb to his injuries and passed away. The nurses looking after him, changed my life. Shining light kind of moment - I want to be just like them kind of thing.

Granted it took me 4 years to build up the courage, battling my PTSD, severe depression and anxiety to even apply to uni. But I did it - and Sept 2019 I got my Pin as a registered nurse.

Now, if you 1) think covid19 was made up, a conspiracy or the numbers have been made up as a scare tactic or 2) you actually believe wearing a face covering will cause ‘respiratory arrests’ ‘acidosis’ blah... stop reading. Because this isn’t for you. Or even 3) you have the view of ‘its their job’ - back away from your screen.

You’ve seen in the news about the public sector pay rise? That nurses aren’t included, nor the junior doctors, physio’s etc (I use etc as there are so many people being forgotten in all this and it is used lovingly and not to cause offence)? Honestly, Im so glad that others are being recognised for their input and help during this - the teachers who put in extra work for children of key workers, who sacrificed their home life to entertain little ones every day and try give them the education they need and deserve, to the police, military - anyone receiving this recognition. Honestly you deserve it. And the NHS will not shadow that or take it away from you.

We agree’d to a 3 year pay deal, that had the options of being reconsidered earlier than the final date if there was a change in circumstances. Covid19 should really be considered as a change in circumstances. I mean being told that you’re already ‘unskilled’ and watching people clap to STOP pay rises... was hard enough. But to have everyone else recognised for their vital contributions and lay something that was agreed in 2018 - is inexcusable.

You realise that most nurses didn’t get to see your claps on a Thursday? That’s handover time. And due to covid19 if their handover time was earlier - they were usually late because of how busy it was and still missed it.

I saw one. Because it so happened I had come off of nights the night prior.

So! My life during covid19 starts off with the busiest winter that my hospital has seen in ITU. We have 10 beds. We are funded for 7/8? We had to open an escalation centre that we stole from our day surgery unit to give us a further 3 beds.

Which in itself is hard - looking after seriously sick patients away from your actual designated and designed ward and without the continuous presence of doctors.

That wasn’t enough.

We had to then stole half of the recovery room, which usually houses patients post surgery whilst they wake up.

Going up to 16 patients. Remember - at this point. I’m THREE MONTHS qualified.

Learning is hard, steep, and in-depth. You’re suppose to be trained over the course of a year as a newly qualified, with study days and help from mentors etc. I couldn’t attend some of those days because we didn’t have the staff to look after the most patients our ITU had ever seen.

Now I know ITU is hard. I picked it.

I knew what it entailed, well partly.

I have to maintain my patients artificial airway. They either have a tube in their mouth or in their throat.

They’re then connected to a ventilator.

Every single setting on that machine, every button - changes something drastically.

From the fio2, PEEP, PS, PC, TV, MVE, PEAK, RR, PF ratio, ... one button, one alteration or mistake... literally can stop this person breathing. Cause respiratory distress, arrest.. trauma? anything.

Did you know I have to move that tube in their mouth every hour to stop pressure sores developing in their mouth? And I still have to brush their teeth and give oral care?

I have to suction down their throat and clear their lungs? Or suction their actual mouth for extra secretions?

And record all this data hourly.

To ensure that this patient is comfortable with this tube... I have to medicate this patient.

I have to keep them in an artificial coma.

Titrating the drugs to their optimum levels.

Some are measured mg/hr, mcg/hr, mcg/kg/min..

some have limits on maximum dose per hour you can use.

Some have really severe side effects.

Such as noradrenaline. Which can literally cause your fingers and toes to become necrotic.

I have to monitor someone’s glucose - whether you’re diabetic or not, and correct it if needed with insulin or dextrose.

I have to give diuretics but not allow your body to become too negative, I have to give fluid challenges to ensure you’re not vascular depleted.

I can help your kidneys with the use of a dialysis machine. Literally filter your blood of toxins your body can no longer remove without help of a machine. This requires constant blood tests to ensure that you aren’t collecting dangerous toxins or you need additional support from the machine.

I can use a machine to check your cardiac output and interpret it to make sure that you have enough fluid vs a drug that’ll help squeeze your heart instead.

I can read an ECG and tell if you need additional supplements such as potassium. Do further tests for magnesium, phosphates etc. And deliver those.

I can feed you through a tube down your nose, and ensure you absorb it. But it’s okay I can give you medication to also help that - these require me to do daily ECGs though, and interpret the data of your QTC to make sure it’s not affecting your heart.

Now. If that’s not enough. Covid happens.

Now remember our record was 16 patients?

Try doubling that.

We worked in our ITU,

Escalation centre

Recovery - we took the whole thing.

Next - we took over operating theatres.

3 patients in theatre 6

3 in 5

3 in 4

2 in 3

We stole theatre staff, recovery nurses, ODPS, ward nurses, retired nurses, health visitor nurses, anyone we could relocate to help us.

March - I’m 6 months qualified.

I’m now the most qualified ITU nurse in my theatre.

I have people who have never looked after a ventilated patients before asking me for help. Please don’t silence my alarm if you don’t know why it’s alarming. I know it’s loud and annoying but it’s telling me everything I need to know with enough time before I need to panic.

Now - covid patients weren’t just sick. Weren’t just needing help to breathe. These patients were all sorts of ‘new’. Nothing made sense!

These patients COULDNT be ventilated. We needed to paralyse them to literally be able to take over their breathing properly! No amount of sedation worked! Their lungs were fibrous and acting like elastic under tension.

Side note - if your patient wasn’t sedated enough compared to paralysis - they could be silently awake, but completely paralysed. Knowing everything happening to them. But unable to do anything - not even breathe. Every time you start rocuronium you need to remember that. If you’re withdrawing treatment - TURN THE ROC OFF FIRST. And wait before you do anything else.

Back to it. They were so unstable that you try roll them, which we usually do 4 hourly to prevent pressure sores - they desaturated to numbers so low that you would usually see some hypoxia brain injury after.

We couldn’t roll these patients without risking that. So you know what. You don’t roll.

So we couldn’t protect their skin integrity. You just watch them, and feel guilty.

Nursing school 101 - pressure sores are PREVENTABLE. Roll your patient. Skin care and hygiene is your best friend.

Now covid went against everything a nurse knows and holds dear.

Our ITU never had pressure sores. Until covid. Some had grade 4’s.

Maggot therapy.

Vacuum dressings.

These patients were also clotting, and sending off clots to their kidneys, liver, heart, brain. Covid made your blood super sticky!!!!

People were having strokes whilst being sedated, going from fit to multi organ failure in days. I’m trying to save these people, knowing they could possibly wake up with complete left side paralysis? Never talk again? Never be them again?

Now you know about these past medical histories etc?

You realise what that is?

that it could be Type 2 diabetes?

Hypertension?

That was it for some.

None of this thinking they were super sick, with lists longer than my arm, and that’s why they didn’t make it. No.

Literally things that happen with age. Poor diet? That 120/80 you’re happy you got - THATS PREHYPERTENSION.

I was probably hypertensive the entire time with anxiety.

Did you know We had to use the old anaesthetic ventilators. None of us had used those before. Those big bellows you see in films going up and down rhythmically. Those.

That was scary.

I’m use to a single touch screen button (hello modern technology) to deliver 100% o2 if my patient needs it. This has a switch to a bag, a button, dials to titrate o2 with normal air. And if I didn’t monitor the crystals in the bottom my patient would retain their own co2 and I wouldn’t know why.

New found love for anaesthetists and ODPS - these machines are NOT designed for prolonged use. But they helped us keep our patients alive. By literally guiding us and helping us look after the machines so we could do our job.

Now. All of this is made worse by PPE.

I’m hot.

It’s hot.

And intense and I’m working hard because tonight, I have 3 ventilated patients. By myself.

I have a gown on.

2 sets of gloves

An apron

An FFP3 mask

A hat

A visor

And no air con.

But I’ve got this. I can’t do my hourly checks because I am one person.

My super sick patients now have 2 hourly because it is physically impossible.

Where are the other staff?

Sick.

You’re watching these people struggle to breathe on machines and then being told your close friends at work, your mentors, your seniors are spiking temperatures. Some being admitted to hospital. Some not being able to come back to work for weeks.

Some ending up on your ventilators. It’s okay. I’ve got this.

I’m an ITU nurse right?

CPR wearing that get up. Is TOUGH. 27mins. I cried that day.

We lost 3 patients in 12 hours.

I held the hand of so many people as I turned off their ventilators because their families couldn’t be with them and no one should die alone. No one. I tried my best.. and then once my day had finished, I had to come home to my dad who is immunosuppressed. Who doesn’t understand boundaries. “Kevin stay in the other part of the house!”

*knocks on bedroom door with dinner*.

Proning. What an experience that is. And doing it Daily. The complications of that were scary before you even approach the patient.

So I’m going to flip my patient - who has a tube down their mouth to help breath, who is on medication for sedation, paralysis, to keep their blood pressure up.. from laying on their back - to laying on their front.

Seems easy?

Well it’s not. And requires like 8 people.

8 people.

We don’t have enough people as it is. So we now develop a proning team made up of everyone.

There are consultants, there are experts in their fields, there are physios and then I don’t know who else.

Honestly I couldn’t thank these people enough. More people would have died if we didn’t have a proning team. But now, people spent 23 hours laying on their front. Pressure sores on their faces. Potential of going blind? New complications of not being able to breathe we never expected.

We are finally back into one unit now. I’m still less than a year qualified. And I’m still running on adrenaline expecting this second wave. Those still reading, I know you’re thinking that she picked this job.

She knew what it meant.

And you’re right! Give me those complex drug calculations and ventilators. Oh and the scrubs!

But a pandemic? I didn’t pick that. The world didn’t pick that.

Honestly thank you, to the ward nurses - your lives got flipped upside down.

The physios who became best friends.

Consultants who literally got down and dirty with us.

To the domestics who cleaned furiously for us.

OT’s To literally orientate our patients when they’re waking up like 70 days later.

Every

Single

Person

Who

Helped.

Oh communication team made up of medical students, who updated the families because... I couldn’t. I couldn’t leave my patient. Not like this!

Matron who literally had to facilitate all this, with people who knew nothing about ITU. Being in ITU. Looking after ITU patients. Whilst her own ITU staff were sick, in hospital, or newly qualified, or working to the point they broke.

To the countless companies sending food, goodies, moral support !! Oh my god that was incredible to come to after not having a break for 6+ hours ... mmm... food!!

Did you know they’re offering support for the nurses to stop PTSD, or anxiety or just to help up digest what we saw? Psychological support for just doing your job?

But it’s okay.

We got a deal in 2018 for the pay.

We got clapped thursdays.

We all know that’s not enough, but we will still turn up for work.

We can’t leave our patients.

We can’t strike.

They’ll always mean more to us than pay. And the government knows that. Abuses that.

540 NHS staff lost their life doing ‘just their job’ - today the NHS staff walked through London protesting, to be heard. To be listened to. To be acknowledged. To be paid fair.

Sign the petition for us. Because we aren’t just here for covid. We’re here for life.

https://petition.parliament.uk/petitions/316307

And just put your mask on - please - for that hour you go shopping.

I’ve been wearing mine since March 6th. 13+ hour days. Developed a nice grade one on my nose, my friends faces bleeding from using a rubber respirator....

And We’ll be like this for the foreseeable future.

Now that we have the stocks to do so anyways.

Oh and I’m pissed my graduation was cancelled! All that and I don’t get to wear the hat and gown. Bastard virus. (I understand there was more lost but humour me).

Signed, your registered ITU nurse. We will always continue to monitor.

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ophexis · 3 years

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I made kind of a big deal last year about doing better this year but tbh the only thing i did more is disappointing myself sdfsg

I don’t rly expect anything better from myself for next year, but I hope everybody else gets to have a much better year.

I did move out to my first appartment last march, and at least that went well. The moving itself was smooth. We had a bed bug scare, which was awful, but thankfully ended up being nothing even if it was a lot of money thrown to the wind. But now we’re comfy and despite everything we haven’t had any issues, and I still have a job and I’m safely working from home.

I managed to avoid covid, despite living in quebec’s no1 hot spot. I’ve barely gotten out of my appartment except to get mail at the drugstore. My mom’s been working retail since the begining and its a miracle she hasn’t caught it but I’m so glad because she does not deserve this. Both my parents are ok but I wish I could’ve seen them for christmas. All my friends seem ok too. I really want to go to the restaurants with them again.

My job performance went to shit but I still have it, at least. I got on the project I wanted to be on instead of MK but it hasn’t been enjoyable at all due to a lot of things out of my control. Couldn’t get my level up despite the 4 years of experience and leads having nothing negative to say about me, so at this point I think I’m just gonna be stuck at being considered only one step above a new employee forever. it’s been rly hard working everyday.

I started suspecting I may have ADHD, but theres nothing I can do about it, which is frustrating. I’m on a waiting list for a doctor, and therapists need doctor recommendations, especially adhd specialists. Probably won’t have a doctor ‘till next year, so I get to wonder how the hell I’m gonna weasel my way thru the next year. Idk if it’s the working from home, or the isolation of being here everyday since march but I feel like the biggest fuckin idiot and I just notice way more of my fuckups than i used to and its frustrating as hell. Even if I do get to talk to someone, the idea od talking to a therapist about my dumb feelings fill me with more anxiety than anything so I don’t know how im gonna do this. I’ve never talked out loud to someone face to face about my feelings. and if they end up being shitty im gonna have to go thru the whole process again. i tried looking up tips and whatnot but tbh I haven’t been able to focus on rearranging my life around potential adhd so idk. I cant get started on anything.

I’m having variably bad back pain and what i assume is the occasional sciatica flareup, but not much I can do about again as I don’t have a doctor and I’m not familiar with local chiropractors here and well covid is a thing. i could barely walk yesterday which ws the worst i ever had and im not sure how that one happened, but it seems better today

I tried drawing more, I think in a way I did, but I’m still increadibly unhappy with my art and it’s hard. I hate all of it.

I got ring fit adventure and managed to play daily for a month, and now its hard, which is again frustrating, like, why am i like this.

i dont have any hopes or goals for my future and i dont rly know who i am anymore. and i dont rly know what i want to do so im just existing around, playing ffxiv and animal crossing and trying to get thru my work days. I’m looking forward to Monster Hunter Rise which looks like its gonna have the life that mhw was lacking, so thats gonna be nice at least.

im excited for the new star wars stuff announced. anything thats made by favreau and filoni should be excellent. rly excited for the Taika Waititi movie, it should be a nice good breath of fresh air in the franchise like the mandalorian was. I’ve been playing swtor too and made unsurprisingly no progress on my irl mando armor.

so yea that was lil ole me. I didnt post a lot this year cuz tbh i havent done anything. But I hope y’all managed to have some good things happen to you in 2020, and I truly hope the next year will be better, even if thats not quite how things go, but I hope you can all find some good things.

#Phex Ramblings #mostly negative rambling so like dont mind me sdfgh #i didnt do anything good on my own this year aside from being a huge loser and not finishing anything

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niamh-erin-colclough · 4 years

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Covid-19: A Diabetic’s story

***(This is another online story I have written for my portfolio on the current situation we are in. I used this as a blog post also for my other blog site. This is one of my favourites.)***

This was not how I expected to be spending my spring and summer to say the least. Feels like yesterday that I was off to meet my friends, hugging them, having fun and planning all the amazing things we were going to do together that summer… taking every laugh for granted.

I’m 20 years old, and I look and feel healthier than ever, however this is not the case for me. I have type 1 diabetes. My diabetes has never really caused me too many major problems, I’ve had my ups and downs over the years with it, as any diabetic will know, its a bitch… but it has never truly effected me until now. Physically, mentally and emotionally since this outbreak I have been drained.

Since the day I was diagnosed my mom has always told me:

“Diabetes lives with you my darling, you don’t live with it.”

I always listened to this, I never allowed myself to let an illness that was out of my control, take over my life and stop me from doing the things i want to do. And even though over the years I have been in some scary situations due to my lack of care (being diagnosed as a teenager it was hard at first to accept that i was going to have to live with this for the rest of my life) but never have I been as scared as I am now…

Covid-19 is scary for everyone to say the least, the world hasn’t faced this kind of epidemic for years, and never have i experienced anything even remotely similar to this in my 20 years on the planet. As a young woman everybody keeps telling me “you’ll be fine, you’re young, you’re fit and healthy!” little do they know that I suffer with a long term health condition that has changed my immune system immensely. At the start of this whole debacle, I tried so hard not to worry myself, this was until I saw an article online about who will be most effected by the virus. Being a journalist and having a thirst to know everything about everything I clicked on the article, something i now wish I never did.

“The people most at risk of fatality are the elderly, pregnant women and people with diabetes and heart conditions.” — NHS

This was the moment i became truly scared. I had felt fear before, the kind of fear when you watch a horror movie or taking off in an airplane, but this was a different kind of fear. I felt my chest tighten and my heart racing, i couldn’t catch my breath. I remember closing the article immediately and just sitting on the edge of my bed with thousands of thoughts running through my head. I looked back on the past five years on my life and how little I’d looked after myself and my diabetes, being a young women I had started to resent it and almost pretend it wasn’t there for a long period of my life. I thought about my HBA1C levels (the test they do to check your average blood sugar reading over a year) and how they had been sky high for the majority of time I’d been diagnosed. I thought about the effect this will have had on my immune system, diabetes effects your immune system even if you have it controlled perfectly…and mine was far from perfect.

But I remember the main thing that I couldn’t stop thinking about was my family. Diabetes runs in every generation of my family, my mom, my granddad, his granddad, everyone. When I thought about this I didn’t really care about what might happen to me anymore, I cared about what might happen to them.

Two days after this, and after two days of panicking in my apartment in Cardiff — self isolating already — I decided I’d rather be at home with my family through this awful time and I wanted to go back while I still had the chance. I never really know why it is, maybe because I’m a journalist or maybe just because of who I am as a person and have been raised to be, but I’m a realist, I see things for how they are and even though at this point bars, clubs, restaurants where still open, and people were still living their normal lives, I somewhat knew how serious this was quickly going to turn.

Due to my diabetes, me and my family decided to start self isolating anyway, leaving the house as little as possible to protect ourselves. This was scary in itself and all of my friends where still out and about living their normal lives. I felt like screaming “WHY IS NO ONE TAKING THIS SERIOUSLY!!” I couldn’t get over how selfish some people where being, my friends would say to me “well I’m young, its not going to effect me.” What about the other people it will effect? What about me?!

As things rapidly declined so did I, mentally and emotionally I was becoming drained. The constant worry and fear was giving me extreme anxiety and ultimately this was messing up my diabetes even more than usual. My mom had to start ordering mass amounts of insulin, as it wasn’t just me who used it, so did she and so did my granddad. Seeing how worried she was for me broke my heart, and for some reason — even though I knew it wasn’t my fault — I felt an overwhelming sense of guilt that there was this added stress that I was causing because they love and care about me so much.

I had to stop thinking this way though, I suffer with clinical depression and I can easily slip into a very dark place if I’m not careful. I had to make sure this wouldn’t happen, I had just managed to pull myself out of a dark episode and refused to go back to that place again. I was told because of my diabetes that I would have to stay in isolation for at least 3 months, and being someone who suffers with mental health issues the idea of this terrified me more than the idea of getting unwell with the virus itself. So I started to force myself to change my mind set. Instead of being worried all the time and thinking about the awful, scary things that could happen to me and my family, i started changing these thoughts to remembering how lucky and blessed I actually am… Every morning I started to count my blessings instead of my afflictions:

№1 — I’m home, with my wonderful parents who love me more than life itself

№2 — I have a beautiful home, with lots of space and lots of love in it.

№3 — I have a dad who would do absolutely anything to make sure I’m happy, not only during this awful time but in life in general.

№4 — I have a mom who I am so close to, so close that I can tell her anything. Anyway Im feeling she is there for me.

№5 — The most important… Im alive. I have a roof over my head, Im still waking up every morning with air in my lungs and blood in my veins… I’m alive.

I started speaking these to myself in the mirror every morning, to cope with my anxiety and dark thoughts. I could sit here and end this blog post by saying that its worked miraculously and that I have no horrible thoughts anymore and everything is fine, but that would be a lie. I still wake up in the middle of the night panicking, I still cry randomly throughout the day -sometimes more than once- when things get to much, I still worry myself sick, but I also now am reminded of just how lucky I still actually am. There are some people out there at the moment who have hardly any hope at all, who aren’t as lucky as me to have a wonderful loving family and a beautiful home to go through this traumatic time in. And sometimes i have to step back, wake up and smell the coffee.

I will get through this, my family will get through this, we will all get through this.

“Diabetes lives with you my darling, you don’t live with it.” — Wendy Colclough

#covid_19 #diabetes #health #mental heath support

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butchbobbyhill · 2 years

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I HATE MICHIGAN BUT I GUESS ILL STAY HERE

I’ve been adhd glued to the couch for hours I’m gonna take Ruby for a walk!

My mental illness claws itself out of the gutters we keep going and surviving. I did watch good documentaries. One was Transformer, a doc about Janae Kroc, a transwoman from ypsi Michigan, who was a professional body builder. I can’t believe I’m living in a time where I can see someone from Michigan transition.

I’ve met so many trans people in Detroit and literally all of my former friend group in high school ended up trans. Like we are really out here and it’s amazing to see. But also I hate lichigan and want to leave, but fear I’ll keep running from *small town/state fear of becoming nothing* and lose out on great community bc I always dreamt of the real world being in LA or New York New York New York. And I feel the farther a that ppl get from my hometown that I hate talking about being from thinking of is chicago and I would even settle for there bc I LOVE chicago even tho I am totally falling out of love with cities as a concept. Like yes I love living in the city, I’m living my dream, I wish it wasn’t COVID so I can go wild and not deal with my debilitating self isolation suicidal ideation. But I’m living with my dog! I’m on T! I actually have a relationship with my mom and aunt and older sister while transitioning! I haven’t talked to my younger sisters explicitly about it (I’ve been like “im a they them. Im a brother) or my grandma about it and those are the people I’m the most nervous about. Im really thinking about telling my grandma around Christmas tho. Because I want an authentic relationship with her. I think she will yell or say something about being disappointed in me. Im afraid she will think I’m a pervert. She is from El Salvador, she is a catholic grandma even tho she’s dealt with like an immigrant grandmas worst nightmare: teen pregnancy, another child who was like a literal punk party kid, and then raising two grand children who were just Sad Kids. I know it will be hard for her to understand but I just can’t live without her love. I have always suppressed myself to be easy to raise because two women trying to raise two kids is so challenging. I always said I had two moms growing up because my grandmother raised me. I feel like a sibling to my mom sometimes. And I always wanted to do well to take care of them. I’m so afraid of losing her love because she’s said some terrible things to me. She slapped my mom when my mom told her she was pregnant as a teen. I think I’m gonna write a letter explaining transness. I’m gonna remind her of how much I love her and that all I want is for her to be proud of me. And then I’m gonna leave immediately and maybe just double mask it or triple mask it at the club but I physically need to go dancing. I might not go at all and dance alone at home but yeah after Christmas ill try to stay away for a bit to give hee time. I also need to stock up on t tho and actually get seen in Detroit. I will hopefully upgrade my car in 2022 bc that was the WORST impulse decision of 2021 when I had money. Im gonna work hard at massage and also get a chiro to fuck my back up right and then maybe I’ll get top surgery and bulk up and work out and not be the SCRUBBIEST of scrubs because all of these beautiful bois out here and I am just a bundle of mess. Idk glow up is coming love is coming and my grandma WILL get over it when I’m the prettiest boy alive.

Anyway I think I want to stay in this area for 5 years. As a home base. My sisters will be 12/13 when I leave ? (This is to say if I don’t get to go somewhere abroad hopefully during my academic career because what the actual fuck am I going to college for if not that) but like weather and global warming scare the fuck out of me so staying in Michigan is a good plan. Buying land in Michigan is a good plan. Building a trans commune in Michigan is a good plan. I just really really never wanted to stay in Michigan and I feel I’m trying to convince myself to stay. But reality is putting my dream here, the ability here, the opportunity here, and I should take it while I can. Hopefully travel is in my future later. Please. All I’ve ever wanted was to try and get far away from the places of pain. See the beautiful things others could see. Travel and roam freely. And I can barely get out of my body sometimes. I’ve spent so much of my childhood just in rooms or mental institutions just waiting and waiting and waiting. And now I feel like I’m waiting for acceptance, for a full transition that will never come, for apologies that will never come, for closure that will never come. For healing that will never come. For satisfaction that will never come. Resolution is not real, I’m learning. Everything is unending

So maybe I can just jump into the middle of being a hermit farmer in the state I was born in. I can claim one for myself and my friends and my family. I am unlearning the settler concepts of landownership and everything. My family is a history of migrants, and my fathers side is severed, so I’m learning from the Detroiters around me, and looking at severed and stolen ancestry. I’m trying to find connections and roots and look at what the land tells me. I’m trying to find my home.

Okay if you read this far I want to give you an energetic kiss, an e-kiss if you will. I hope healing is abound for us. We can build a better world. I’m trying to believe that I have a part in it.

#wow a journal #I’ve been unmedicated for maybe a month so this is rambles #but honestly you can talk to me about any of this if you can’t tell I’m speaking into the void and would like to hear an echo

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thoughtdestroyer · 3 years

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Just over a month and I’m still here! Patting myself on the back because I am nosediving in so many other ways, i need to support myself where I can.

My thoughts have been off the rails. Lots of social media and screen time. Zero reading, barely getting to 40 minutes per meditation session. I started eating ramen again and immediately saw what it was doing to my body. Still eating what I bought until it finishes… the point is that I bought so much in the first place. Other self sabotaging things that I might reserve for my journal, but it’s been a lot of backsliding overall. Fear is wreaking havoc on my psyche.

Many of my close relationships are long distance these days. I feel so nervous about seeming clingy or pushing them away with my words. Now that my sister is also away, I’m loving the free time but I’m hating not having a person to do things with. Spending time with my brother is also fun but not in the same way… (he didn’t want to come into the hair shop with me!! So rude)

I want to ask(?) for more quality time with my friends but for now I’m trying to also not use it as a crutch. There’s a guy I like (there always is) and it’s been interesting. Yet another in person connection, turned into a long distance connection. This has also made me a bit anxious about the new people I’m meeting, like I’m not in a good place for newer friends imo. Even with these hang ups, I’m trying to organize a lunch day with some new friends, so I’m proud of myself for still doing this social life thing.

I’m scared to make that first step into my job as a CNA. That’s ‘real’ work that counts towards my career. Anything I do here truly counts. (I realize that in reality my whole life counts and this is just another day, but my future career has always meant a lot to me.) Im terrified that on the brink of change, one more devastating thing might happen. I couldn’t even tell you an idea of what that might be, but it always surprises me so I don’t even bother to visualize anymore.

I hate to be stuck in the past, but it hasn’t even stopped! This year alone I’ve been blindsided so many times. COVID, the ultimate blindsiding experience itself, was just last year and is still ongoing, I feel like I’m one more disappointment away from needing to get off this planet.

Fear aside though, life is really good. I’m gonna do a new hairstyle, I’m forcing myself to apply somewhere tonight, doing my schedule for next week… soon I’ll have enough of a personal routine to feel just that bit more confident. I know I can overcome all these problems I’m thinking about right now. Time to face the music.

#thoughts #i am also feeling these anxiety flashbacks about one of my breakups #…it’s been pretty painful #not 3 breakups in 1 year bitch damn

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kyunsies · 3 years

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Hello Mädch ahsdjaksdh <3 !!

how is college going? dw, I hope you are settling in super well and feeling optimistic about school and all the amazing things I know you are going to achieve this year! I am excited that you are starting your rotations now! you are going to do awesome, I know it! I'm sorry that you didn't get that ICU first like you wanted but hopefully it's all part of the plan so that you get it at the right time for you <3 let me know how they go, of course. I hope they go super well.

the week has been a bit weird to be honest, in my team I had a semi argument that was properly tense for the first time with someone and it was just so unpleasant. you know those people where they aren't horrible but you know that you'll never completely see eye to eye with them? i think it's just one of those things, where we'll never just completely read each other or get each other? and it's not, like, a massive issue or anything that we can't deal with, but I feel like usually I get on really well with people or not at all (all or nothing person I guess haha) but with this person I've just got to admit that we're always going to be a bit in the middle? like, we talked it over, and I've still found sometimes we misunderstand one another? so things are still good in work and clients, but with workpeople it has been the more difficult battle? hopefully we should get some more cool media stuff with the K-pop people soon, so that's an up?

OMGsh your coworkers are so much older than you! [lease do post a picture of your room, I am 100% confident that you have made it so dreamy and pretty. Thank you sm for telling me more about these operations though! I feel like everywhere is on red alert at the moment when it comes to health and care and making sure that people look after themselves and not put others at risk, you know? the doctors that to talk to me about my potential surgeries too have said the same but it's nice hearing it from a friend, you know? so thank youuuu <3 <3

I was the same as you, I would get so so so anxious and stressed if I wasn't studying or working or anything like that? but my mum is like your mum and grandma, where she gets up early too! but I feel like I need to do the late night thing instead? but then once I got into this crazy spiral where I would wake up really early and go to bed really late and like nap in between so I ended up like having two hours of sleep either side? that was peak wth at the time haha XD so now I try and let myself wake up a bit later really XD ha ha I'm in barely adulting! like I work so much but I don't earn a lot ha ha – I don't think that's very effective adulting? or like, I don't know I guess for a lot of people my age there's a work hard and hope it pays off thing in certain industries? so you're definitely more effectively adulting than me right now! like, you're going to do stuff that's gonna actively help people and you'll see that right in front of you, you know!!? sometimes my work gets out there but I rarely see directly if it gets to make peoples lives better you know? so the path you're on is so so admirable <3 <3 <3

I get you though, do you find that you thrive under the pressure even though it's sometimes a lot? I find that sometimes it does help me, but sometimes I forget to identify the times when it isn't helping me? or, sometimes I take it too far? so please look out for yourself and take care of yourself <3 and when you're worried if you're on the edge know that it's enough for you to take a rest and not be super perfect. i sometimes tell myself to except that I'm probably gonna make two or three stupid mistakes a day? It sounds kind of silly but it means that it makes it easier for me to accept when I mess up, idk, I think it helps me balance the pressure sometimes? i 100% understand what you're saying - at school do they have people that can directly help? or like peer supporters so it's not as stressful or official feeling as a therapist? if you ever want me to come off anon to help lemme know <3 i'm always here for you <3

oh my gosh your grandparents have been able to live long too! all my grandparents lived close to 100 before passing, and one of my grandmothers had the same as your grandfather. he sounds so sweet and so kind though! i love that he knows how to FaceTime you! Some of my aunts and uncles still don't properly haha. it sounds like he knows that he's super loved though, he's very lucky <3 <3 i've been thinking about all this really lovely stuff and how it grounds you when stuff like careers can stress you out and feel like the most important thing when it shouldn't be? what are the personality differences between the different areas of the US? my East Coast friends seem to straight talk a lot more than my West Coast friends? like they're a lot more realistic as opposed to being, I don't know laid-back or if not laid-back sometimes just more comfortable with superficial stuff? Not like my West Coast friends are superficial people, but I think they accept it as part of the world a bit better? my friends on the east coast will rail against that stuff a lot more, like they buy into the influencer bullshit less? but I guess these are all sweeping generalisations anyway... I might have to travel a bit in europe soon... I got asked to go to otaly for some work today, and to holland next month. Idk if it will end up happening though, things change all the time? I have to keep checking quarantine rules all the time with countries! but YAY and YES Europe tour trip one day :D !!!!!!!

you know what? when I first saw you compare bowling and golf I was like, wait, what? but now I totally get it! i know a golfer and they talk about how physical and strenuous it is on the arms and stuff all the time which I don't think always comes across when you watch it and it makes a lot of sense with how you describe how you trained for bowling! i used to cox in rowing and I always used to find it really funny that I said that was the sport I did because honestly I just sat in the boat all the time and steered XD

obligatory YES WTF ARE COTTON SCENTS! quite a few shops in the city where I live have been closing down because of Covid but our Jo Malone is still going strong! I love that lots of already classic clothing shops have now gone out of business but for some reason the people where I live cannot live without their perfume XD I think I'm gonna go in later this week or next week to take a look! with all this travelling I kind of want to buy something new? also, my hands have been acting up with injury so I have to rest my hands more anyway – so might as well look for perfume right? do you have any recommendations or would the blueberry one you've just gotten be at the top of your list?

the exciting thing is that I'm doing a bit less this week! I need to wait and see if that job wants me to fly out to Italy within the next 48 hours, if not next week, but if not I think I'm gonna figure out how to rehabilitate my joints a bit and get my brain okay? It's been existential Covid crisis week haha - I think a lot of me and my friends have been feeling like we've lost so much of our lives and potential during this time and I've really tried to hold in and ignore it for the past 18 months? i'm not one to ever feel lonely or to really really want to be in a relationship like some of my friends, but I've just been feeling it this week? like, I love my independence, but I wouldn't say no to a boyfriend right now you know? I feel silly saying that sometimes because I'm so against feeling like you have to have someone in your life to be okay, but I guess that's just a result of how the world is has been recently?? but I think all my feelings exploded around this stuff now so, I am trying to get back into a better place? so it's not as exciting as some of the stuff I've told you about before, but it's what's up I guess?

how are your mum and grandmother doing? are they doing good? [lease send all my love to them too. I'm glad these help you reflect on your week! they do with me too and I'm always happy to hear from you, no matter how long you might need <3 <3 hope you manage to reward yourself for working so hard these past days and that you remember you're always doing 110% so you deserve the best!

love you lots and lots - 💥

ANGEL HELLO !!!!!!!!! i told myself i would stay on top of this and swear in a timely manner but ;_____; a full week + 2 clinical rotations later here i am on a sunday, it seems this is always the case :( maybe my get back to you day will only be on sundays LOL i will try my best in the future babe, but ofc thank you so much for being patient with me <3

uni is going fine so far hun !!!! i've started clinical rotations as i've said on thursday and friday, and then my first exam is on tuesday so i read some chapters yesterday so i'm not squished for time lol :) and ,,,, what you said "hope it's all part of the plan" is very much my way of thinking lol wha is your sign? i'm a sagittarius and that's like, a philosophy i go by like everything is how it's supposed to be even if it's not what u want like everything will work itself out :') i'm wondering if we are one in the same !!!!! <3

and omg ;_____; conflict within the workplace is NEVER easy bc all everyone wants is to reach the goal you all are reaching and bc there's some bumps in the road it makes everything that much more stressful :( and i know exactly the type of person you are talking about LOL i've had to work with some of my peers in the hospital who really didn't treat me all that nicely , but i still have to partner up with them anyways bc we had to move a patient lol ; like they never do anything terrible to you but you just cannot come to a proper agreement with them? i know the feeling :( but i can tell you are doing ur absolute best ;_____; it's a tough situation ,,,,,,,,, but may i propose something ??? maybe since things are high stress in the workplace, would u be willing to meet them outside the workplace, like a quick coffee meet up and then discuss those issues? maybe talking about it in the work environment is way too stressful for both of u and it is hard to come to an agreement, but maybe in a calmer, more informal setting do u think maybe the both of u could be like "hey, what u were talking about i'm not really head over heels for but this is what i think and do u think we can do something where both of us will be happy?" im thinking maybe will opening up a means for more civilized discussion?? just a thought LOL :') let me know how it goes :( i hope u are all able to figure everything out !!!!!

about the surgeries !!!!! like i said i know it's super stressful to think about bc this is one of the very few times in life where things are absolutely out of our control and that scares us, and we as medical providers aren't supposed to give u a false sense of security, but i promise u everything will be just fine as long as u correctly follow up with care post-op :) we wouldn't want an infection !!!! >;( i remember last year i had a patient and she was going in for a routine colonoscopy and she was scared shitless ,,,,,,, but i was like "listen ma'am i know it can seem scary but i was just in there with the doctors and everything is super relaxed and they know what they're doing in there, you'll be out in no time and i'll be here waiting !!" and that seemed to help her a lot, after the surgery she was on me like flies on shit LOL she was like "THANK U HONEY" (but i think most of it was bc she was still drugged up hhh)

LOL us with our family members waking up early <3 literally this morning i decided to do my laundry at 8am (its only 10 right right now lol) but idk it just make u feel a little bit better doesn't it? but oh my gosh no i don't see u in this way at all ;_____; babe like you're already THERE in the world working and to me like ,,,,,, being an effective functioning person in society is like all i ever want i just want to be COMPETENT and the fact that u manage ppl ???? it's already a lot of responsibility but you do it everyday like you go to work u make food for yourself u pay bills like yes this all kinda sucks but you're there doing it and idk ,,,,,,,, like u being in this position is like yeah their surviving in the world and doing okay !!!! so that’s how i see u hun ;_____;

and i don’t think i necessarily thrive under pressure but i just kinda ,,,,,,, handle it?? like i think i handle my stress quite well !!! i think the reason why making mistakes scares me so much in my field is bc if i make a mistake i can like, kill someone or seriously harm them if i do something wrong SLKDFJ but i have to remember i’m still just a student and a lot of the things that i’ll learn won’t even be in these last few months of nursing school, but rather during my months of orientation on the floor i’ll be working on when i finally land a job ,,,,,, i know i just have to be patient and kind to myself, but it’s hard not having these high expectations for myself bc everyone else pushes themselves super hard (nurses i mean) so i feel like i should be too , ya know? ;_____; it’s a hard balance that i’ve yet to find but hopefully once i graduate i’ll have just a little bit more confidence in myself :’)

and omg your grandparents lived a long life as well !!!!!!!! a lot of my friends’ grandparents are really young still, so it’s hard for others to relate i think LOL but :(((( i’m really lucky to have them around still and like, i feel like my grandparents are the cornerstone of our whole entire family; once they pass i’m not quite sure what will happen ;_____; so i’m just trying to cherish every moment that i have with them even tho sometimes it’s stressful lol ; also BOUT THE DIFFERENCES FROM EAST TO WEST COAST LOL ; i think u described it really well actually :) like among the friends u have the are from different parts of the states, it’s very accurate in my opinion !! and again after all it is just a very broad assumption, in general east coasters have this “workaholic” attitude, they tend to be very realistic which i actually appreciate a lot lol, i’m hoping to live near the east coast when i move out <3 now where i am from it is considered the midwest even tho it’s more east than west if u look at it on the map LMAO and like, it’s really funny bc if u say to someone you’re from the midwest they’ll tell u our reputation is being “too nice” LSKDLFJSKLD and like that’s our thing, a happy medium between coasts with big cities but small towns too and generally just very chill and nice ,,,,,,,, the south of the US is also known for having that “southern hospitality” overall very cheerful ppl with personality and super kind attitude on life :) now the west of the US i’m not saying there aren’t nice ppl out there bc there are LOL but esp near lost angeles or hollywood ofc you’re going to have ppl very stuck up bc ya know they made it to big bad LA and they want to be trendy with all of the fake health shit (celery juice does NOTHING FOR U sorry lol) generally my view of the west is just very fake and i would never want to have my family grow up there LMAO but that generally like, california and washington but like, utah or wyoming or colorado are just absolutely gorgeous and they have small town ppl there bc there are a lot of ranches there ,,,,,,,, does any of this make sense to u ??? KLASFJ

i’m going to skip a few paragraphs bc this is so long already LMAO but trust me i’ve read everything so far lol ; it seems like you’re doing a lot of traveling !!!!!! <3 i’m so jealous !!!!!!!! italy sounds so beautiful i would love love to go some day :( ALSO U SMELLED THE BLUEBELL PERFUME RIGHT ???? U LIKED IT ?????? doesn’t it smell absolutely divine??? no matter how many scents i smelled after that i knew it was the right one for me ldkfsdlkfj <3 i’m still so in love with it ;____; also about ur lil rant about feeling lonesome :( bub i can really relate to this and i feel the same way like my mom and the rest of my family never pushed me to meet anyone and i’ve always never had a problem making friends, but like, as i’m older and i realize i’ll be alone a lot more of my time once i graduate like i really do want to share my life with someone :( i have a lot of love and i want to be able to show it to someone i care about a lot but i just never really take the initiative to do that bc quite honestly i’m not confident in myself lMAO so ,,,,,,, i know we never feel like we need to be dependent on someone but sharing experiences with someone who feels very strongly for u seems nice, doesn’t it? i wish this for both of us really soon okay?? <3 i tell my friends i would LOVE to be engaged right now lskdjfslfjs :’)

but anyways !!!!!!!! my mom and the rest of my family is doing well <3 and i’m doing okay too !!!!!! i don’t want to bore u with how clinicals are going but if u want me to tell u just let me know LOL and angel i know i say it all the time but always thank u so much for being patient with me okay? u are the absolute best !!!!!! also as promised, here are a few pics of my dorm room LOL it’s a shoebox but it’s my shoebox :) enjoy !!!!!!

#asks #💥 anon #my dorm is the oldest one on campus so :’) it looks a little ugly but I try my best MXJDJD #ignore the popcorn bag on the side :)#also peep the jo malone perfume LOL

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