#ive talked about it before but there is WAY more to him being autistic than just the buzzer noises. when i first watched that i was like | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

xxmoonch1ldxx · 4 months

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hellooo, ive read through ur fics and they are beautiful and i humbly provide a prompt 4 u; Anthony stimming in front of Ian. thats it that the prompt. since their reunion, Anthony has finally felt comfortable enough to stim in front of Ian when he wants to without shame or sum idk im autistic and love projecting onto my favourite content creators

Hey Anon, finally getting back to you after a milennial. I'm sorry for the wait! I got you, I too am autistic and love projecting so here we go :)

Anthony had always held himself to some pretty stupid standards.

When he was younger, he believed he needed to always put socks the same color or people would definitely notice and laugh at him. As he grew older, it became about straightening his hair, not only for the emo style but mainly because he was ashamed of his curls and thought he would get mocked for them. Mainly, though, he battled with his, for a long time undiagnosed but very obvious, ADHD and everything that came along with it.

The shame he felt at his own behavior started pretty young, when he used to simply stay mute instead of allowing himself to talk to people in kindergarten. He knew he had a loud voice and an even louder laugh, one that his mom always told him to quiet down. Even though she was never mean about it, Anthony had ended up taking it more personal than he should have. Sadly, though, it didn't get easier; there were so many assignments he failed because he hadn't been able to focus and was to ashamed to ask for help from anyone, lest they tell him to get his head out of his ass and listen.

Anthony tried, he did, but that never quite worked.

It didn't quite work like a lot of things did, but one person he did let into his life and his odd behavior was Ian. Ian never whined when he laughed too loud, Ian never minded how he jumped subjects of conversations and Ian always helped him in the classes he failed to understand due to having lost focus. Anthony had always been so, so grateful for that, but there was still one thing he had struggled with.

Stimming. Anthony had a lot of small habits that he always suppressed, mostly in fear he would get judged. Even with how much he loved Ian, he always feared he would disrupt the younger man with those repetitive behaviors. He also remembered a few times where he had been unable to help the thrumming of his fingers as he worked, the stress of his later years at Smosh taking a toll on him and making him unable to stay still even more than usual; Ian used to turn around and ask him to stop in this irritated voice. Not mean, once again, but it hit the nail in the coffin.

He was disturbing people in a way he shouldn't be, or at least, that's what he thought.

And then, after a few years of therapy, an official diagnosis, getting on meds and finally unloading all of this trauma, Anthony and Ian had reunited.

The core of the relationship, their comedic chemistry and the ease they had once felt around each other came back, even stronger than it had been before. Anthony had never been more grateful for something in his life; or maybe he had, but only about the fact he and Ian were now an official thing. A couple. Boyfriends.

They had learned how to live around each other again, speak out what bothered them and be honest. Issues were solved way faster today, and way easier too. Working was comfortable, funny, fulfilling in the same way it had been back when they started Smosh. Hanging out was, too, and they now found comfort and pleasure in the mere act of being together, opposite to the later years of their friendship when they barely spent any time together outside of work. For that, Anthony was fully grateful too; it sure was fun that being together now included more things like kisses, hugs and more...Physical activities. Anthony loved those improvements.

Ian and him now were together more often than not, and there was an ease about it that had never been there before. Sometimes, they didn't even do much; Ian would be watching yet another history video and Anthony would be laying with his head on his boyfriend's lap, working on his new interview. He cherished those small moments, especially the few instances when Ian would interrupt him for a bit just to press a fond and loving kiss on his lips. It was lovely, it filled Anthony's heart in a way nothing else ever had.

One of the things he cherished the most, though, was how earnest they had both been with each other. Vyvanse pills might work for focus and other symptoms of ADHD, but the stimming part couldn't be erased from him. Happily, though, Anthony didn't feel the need to hide himself anymore.

When they were in the office, he would sometimes be playing with everything that fell under his hands. The little holder of his phone, the pencil he was holding, his rings that he wore; it was a thing that greatly helped him focusing when they were brainstorming. Instead of whining like he had sometimes used to, Ian would always look at him fondly, with a smile that screamed 'I knew this would happen', but would never interrupt him. He had even started bringing a few of those little water toys that could be squished for Anthony to press on as he talked. He had brought one in the shape of a black cat, because he said it reminded him of Anthony. He was blushing as he said it, but Anthony had thought it was so cute he had kissed Ian on the mouth hard enough to bruise his lips.

Then, there was the way he often hummed as he did things. Really, anything; it would also help him focus and he didn't even notice it at time. Ian would sometimes join him in his low singing when he did the dishes or even worked on some scripts, a smile on his lips. Neither he or Ian were particularly great singers, but they always ended up laughing so hard they cried or just having a sweet, domestic moment.

Ian had also brought a few rocking chairs inside the office, decision that had been questioned but Anthony was forever grateful. It was easier and grounding to rock on a chair that was made for it, a habit Ian had probably noticed and remembered from their time at school and how Anthony couldn't keep himself still on a chair for two seconds. Ian always scolded him when he brought his chair on two legs, telling he might fall and to stop; this was something else that Anthony cherished about him. How protective he had always been, how much he cared.

Most of the time, Anthony thrummed his legs endlessly. This habit put a strain on his muscles, something Ian knew, so he would lean in to place a hand on his thigh, remind him to calm down. Ian would rub the skin and pat it simply before retrieving his hand, knowing Anthony didn't even notice what he was doing. There was also how he would reach out to tug at Anthony's arm when he either bit his nails too much or scratch at his skin until it would become red. Sure, there were days Ian wasn't there to do so and Anthony would end up breaking his skin open, but his boyfriend would always be there once he came back home to rub the skin with lotion and kiss the scar, achingly soft and tender. Anthony didn't think he could love him more, but Ian always outdid himself. He once bought gums and straws just for Anthony to chew on when he needed to.

Even with his weirder habits, Ian didn't judge. He didn't judge when Anthony cleared his throat too much or repeated random words or sentences. He didn't judge when he would flap his hands and move them a little too much as he talked. He didn't mind when Anthony would get excited and jump a little too much, or he would get all over the place. Instead, he seemed to find it very amusing and so, so adorable. Just like he cherished the little tunes Anthony whistled when he was particularly engrossed into something.

All those little things that Anthony had spent years hiding and taming down, all the habits he had taken that included hurting himself and then dealing with the consequences himself, he didn't have to face them alone. Ian would always be there to ease the ache in his muscles after he pulled at them too much by how much he moved, or to cream his red and sore skin, massage his jaw when he had chattered his teeth too much. Anthony treasured all of those actions, how much care Ian had towards him and how he showed him all the time. It was a little wild to find someone who finally didn't mind all those things about him, and especially someone who even cherished a few of those habits. Anthony would see it in the fond smile stretched on Ian's face when he stared at him, just like he hung the moon, when he was just whistling while doing the dishes. He would feel it in the way Ian kissed him softly when he would sing, how he wouldn't even note the flapping of his hands and simply lean over to brush a strand of hair away from his face.

Anthony felt comfortable to be fully himself in a way he had never had before. He knew and could feel the way Ian loved every little thing about him, from the way he smiled so softly to the way he catered to his every needs, even when Anthony ignored he had them.

Anthony simply cherished Ian himself, fully and wholly. He had never been more grateful of something than the fact Ian felt the same.

#smosh #anthony padilla #ian hecox #ianthony #🔎☀️#smosh fanfiction #heres me projecting as an audhd boi

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gravechimera · 7 days

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YAPFEST AHEAD, BE WARNED.

making a seperate blog for this because i dont feel like my main one is safe for this specific topic. please do not try to guess or out my main here. this is a blog where i specifically talk about gender thoughts & confusion i have, because i dont have resources to talk to anybody in real life. as of writing this i am questioning whether or not i am transfem/a girl, i currently call myself agender on main but in reality im still dealing with the question of whether im full on transfem or not.

for the record i am a teenager in highschool, i began questioning my gender when i was 11 years old, there were some obvious signs before then but i didnt necessarily have the knowledge or words to piece those together. ive identified as various nonbinary labels over the past few years, starting at demiboy then shifting towards countless xenogenders*, starting off with space themed ones then becoming more accustomed to cutesy pastel themed ones. i actually used to run a blog that coined terms like those, i ditched it but it definitely still lingers. now im agender on main & questioning transfem on the side, basically i slowly & extremely hesitantly accepted the fact i dont feel like a boy. ive only recently considered falling under the girly umbrella somewhere near the beginning of highschool when i had started realizing that lots of my favorite content creators are also trans girls, most notably patricia taxxon.

(*yes, i do support xenogenders & neopronouns.)

but i dont necessarily feel like a girl either? ok well sometimes i do but in a way that rejects most ideas of what girliness is? i feel like theres a distinction between wanting to do typically girly things like paint my nails, wear dresses, etc & actually feeling as though i am a girl or would be happier living as one. i dont like being called he/him pronouns (not like i have a choice) but i also dont like being called she/her, i usually gravitate towards they/them, it/its & any *edgy" neos like bone/bones & bat/bats. my relationship with femininity distinctly goes against traditional femininity, both cis & trans forms of the sense. i have a sorta emo furry thing going on as opposed to the usual pink cat thigh highs bridget stereotype.

i am unhappy being percieved as a boy, but terrified of being percieved as a girl due to all the societal troubles that comes with it like getting hit on by creeps, stared at, groped, all that shit. not to mention im already black, diagnosed autistic & a furry, why add another target on my back? i feel like the term girl doesnt even describe me all that well, its deeper than that. but neither does nonbinary despite me clearly not falling under or even believing in the gender binary most of the time.

theres also a part of me that wants to just ditch this question along with the concept of gender as a whole, hence identifying as agender on main. most times i do see binary gender norms & the like as bullshit, but the feminine feelings creep up like a tarantula & i begin questioning myself, while still despising the idea of gender. i think part of this hatred towards said binary comes from the fact i am therian/identify as nonhuman & see human binary concepts as something holding me back. from what exactly? i dont know, it just is.

also related to my therianthropy, i find myself conflating species dysphoria with gender dysphoria & confusing myself because of it since the thoughts directly contradict eachother. one moment i find my body hair ugly because its masculine, then the next i find it ugly because i wish i had more to emulate fur. one moment i wanna be socially percieved as feminine, then the next i dont even wanna be percieved as the same species as anybody around me. it makes exploring my gender really confusing because the thoughts attack eachother while also trying to attack me.

i will say though that the nonhuman thoughts are way stronger than the feminine urges. i dont care about feminizing my voice in the slightest apart from my aspirations towards being a voice actor, i dont shave nor do i want to, im indifferent towards my gen*tals because nobody in public should be seeing or thinking about them. however i do absolutely despise being referred to as the name i was given at birth, alongside any possible variations of it, including neutral or feminine nicknames/alt spellings/etc. i would much rather be called either scarlet, chimera*, or cherry, all of which i picked because they both suited my emo theming, i hadnt even thought of how girly any of them sounded while picking them.

(*chimera also happens to be the name of a notorious creep within a fandom im in, complete coincidence. i might refrain from going by that so i dont get mistaken for them.)

theres also this conflicting second hand antidysphoria, i guess? specifically towards people that remind me of the very things i despise about myself. i have a sort of obsessive fascination with the idea of how somebody could find solace in the very things that plague my existence, for example transmascs that pick my deadname as their new chosen name, those with interests in media thats been permanently tainted in my eyes due to abusers, etc. theres a weird beauty in it, it makes me want to sort of embody them in order to lessen the burden those things have on me. i know if i explained this to somebody directly theyd assume im a freak or something, which is honestly a somewhat reasonable take. just putting it here for more background i guess.

what do you people think? is this a normal case of gender questioning? do any other queer therians experience this weire conflicting double edged dysphoria? am i a fucking lunatic? am i just a confused child being brainwashed? let me know & feel free to ask questions.

#gender questioning #trans questions #transfem #therianthropy #species dysphoria #therian thoughts #enby things #nonbinary things #transfem things #trans things #i think

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boywonderasf · 4 months

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OKOK HEREA WE GO

before i begin Insane TED-Talk of The Day, im gonna preface that i love this take so much, but my brain does things more than one way. but both is v good!!!

anyways mb bout the rant and dont come for me if anything is incorrect or wtv. erm also i mostly focus on the main 4 batboys so pls dont be upset i didn't mention the other kids💀

ANYWAYS as the post said:

"Bruce Wayne is a dad in many different ways and for many different reasons, but chief among them is his ability to know that one of his kids is sick just by looking at them or hearing them breathe.

He can diagnose a fever with just the back of his (gloved!) hand on their forehead. He knows when they’re about to be dizzy before it even happens. He is A Dad."

OKAY NOW BUT WAIT WHAT IF HE ISNT THO LIKE MAYBE WHEN THEYRE YOUNGER BUT AROUND THEIR TEEN YEARS? ESPECIALLY DICK, WHO TURNED THIS INTO LITERALLY HIDING ILLNESS JUST SO HE COULD STILL WORK FOR BRUCE AND "NOT DISAPPOINT HIM" ??

DICK, WHO WORKS HIS ASS OFF 24/7 AND IS ALWAYS ON EVERYONE ELSES ASS SO THEY TAKE CARE OF THEMSELVES ??

CONSISTENTLY DICK HAS TRIED TO GET AWAY FROM BRUCE'S TEACHINGS AND (even though Bruce probably didnt mean for it to be unknown,) ALWAYS MAKE IT KNOWN THAT ITS OKAY TO TAKE BREAKS AND CARE FOR YOURSELF

RAUGHHH AND ON TOP OF THAT, HIS EFFORTS ARE JUST SLIGHTLY LESS THAN USELESS (slowly getting better, but still) BECAUSE HIS SIBLINGS WERE ALL STILL WITH BRUCE AND SO IT GOT INSTILLED INTO THEM TO HIDE ILLNESS AS WELL IM GOING INSANE

JASON NEVER GOES TO BRUCE FOR ANYTHING AND ALMOST NEVER GOES TO ANYBODY ELSE OR ASKS FOR HELP (for many reasons, but still)

SAME WITH FUCKIN TIMBO! KID DOESNT HAVE A SHRED OF KNOWLEDGE FOR SELF CARE IN HIS BODY

Damian was already just like that, but hes also Dick's chance to help Dami unlearn all of those behaviors the others (including himself still bc hes a giant hypocrite) couldnt unlearn. Damian is still young enough to unlearn them quicker than the others can

and listen, this may all be stemming from me wanting the ultimate hurt/comfort with this shit, Bruce not noticing one of the (18+) kids is sick and all the other siblings jump to help care for and defend that one ill person.

cause its nice. you get the hurt from Bruce being oblivious and get to use the line "worlds greatest detective my ass".

and then you get the comfort of family caring for each other/significant other caring for sad and sick batkid whos upset that Bruce didn't notice.

yeah shut up ive read a fic like this before, and yeah it was fucking fantastic actually, but still this is true regardless!!!

anywasy, again please do not come for me if this all sounds dumb as fuck and is completely incorrect for some reason, im superstoned and autistic and this is what my brain decided to fuck around with tonight.

#dont kill me pls im just silly #ig technically its snz but not really??#idk #mb i got technical with it💀#so anyways #b/atfam #d/ick g/rayson #b/ruce w/ayne #j/ason t/odd #t/im d/rake #THE DAMIAN PART IS NOT EVER GOING TO BE KINK RELATED HE IS A MINOR PLEASE-#however the others i cant say have the same fate #damian is always nonsnz cause minors nah👎begone #im including wally cause birdlflash go brr #oo bee ranting #stfu u autistic lil cucumber🦀

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jounosparticles · 5 months

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HAJDSJD omg im glad we're both brain rotting about this now LMAO okay

i thought about the surgery thing. it was mentioned that tachihara was given less than the others due to his nature as a spy, but im not sure if he can survive or not. if worst comes to worst, im sure he could get the surgery files and have a more private doctor do it. i admit that i haven't thought enough about it, i just kind of assumed tachihara would be fine or somehow find another solution

ALSO YES YES OMG DAZAI AND JOUNO BONDINF!! j feel like the parallels between their pasts would cause some tension at first though. in my mind jouno probably avoids his past like the plague, while dazai embraces it as a part of him or whatever. maybe they intimidate each other at first and then come to realise that they're not threats & actually have a bit in common.

also this doesn't relate to the whole topic but i really desperately want to see tachihara and jouno bond over blindness. like.. as someone that's been losing my vision my whole life, it can be very scary + tachihara's wound was due to a traumatic and severe injury, not just a disease. jouno and tachi seem to be fairly close, from what i barely remember of season 4 and i think this could bring them closer, mafia aside.

also, ranpo and tecchou are very autistic coded. i feel like their autism would clash personally. like in my mind ranpo has very visual stims but tecchou is sensitive to the light. i don't think it'd be a huge deal, they'd just learn to leave each other be when clashes happen.. but i can also see them growing close too.

ALSO YES TECCHOU AND KENJI MENTORSHIP/FRIENDSHIP. tecchou is definitely a big brother figure imo like i think he'd be great at taking care of people. not in huge gestures but in little ways like bringing them stuff that reminds him of them or minor acts of service. and kenji very much seems like a family oriented type of person.

IDK THERES SO MUCH TO THINK ABOIT LIKE?? im going insane this au is ruining me

- 🗡️

oh my god your brain. literally making me so happy i love talking about this!!!

good note on the surgery thing for tachihara!! i didn’t know or didn’t remember hearing that, but it clears it up. possibly there are similar doctors within the mafia as well.

one slightly brutal thought i’ve had before is if something happens to the hunting dogs doctor. they’d be easier to attack than the hunting dogs themself and if they died all of the hunting dogs would slowly have to rot to death. what a vile and awful death to face. ive thought about writing this before but it also makes me a bit sad to think about.

jouno and dazai bonding would be really nice to see. i feel that their senses of morality and justice are vastly different though to the point where becoming close would be hard for the two. with that in mind they could make an interesting combination when it comes to discussing pasts. i fully agree with what you said about jouno hiding the past whereas dazai appreciates his.

and about jouno and tachi i truly hope they do that as well. i have a feeling they’re going to use the vampiric ability to heal his eyes or use yosano but i hope instead they have jouno help him adjust to learning to live without sight. it’s always good to have representation of disabilities in media. i think jouno thinks fondly of tachihara, he addressed him in a friendly manner when they reunited in S4. i would love to see more interactions

I GET YOU with the autism part as well. i feel like they would clash a lot just due to being very different in symptom display. id love to see them talk about how confusing people can be together, i feel that would help them get each other a bit. i glad you see the tetchou autism hc as well!!!

YESSS. kenji and tetchou brothers please!! i love the found family trope. kenji is also just super sweet and probably wouldn’t mind any of the strange things tetchou does.

i love your mind. your ideas are so good!!!!!

#asks #bsd #bsd hunting dogs

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sizhui · 2 years

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angie -waving rlly hard -0 why cant i backspace on asks. anyways can i hear ur thoughta on eichi. please ignore the spelling mistakes. ive never heard empathy and eichi in the same sentence and im so curious

HI MATTHEW WAVES BACK!!! of COURSE i've been wanting to talk about Eichi here again seriously so thank you so much for asking ^__^ wait let me sit down and get a glass of wine. Okay. I have a LOT of thoughts about Eichi which are tied to my thoughts about Enstars as a whole so this might end up being incomprehensible but im gonna try to be systematic!

AFTERWORD AFTER WRITING THIS: im genuinely sorry for how insane and reach-y this might sound, this is just my interpretation of the story of enstars and I’m an extremely autistic literature major who read too much pandora hearts in his formative moments...

i. The true nature of the world of Enstars

To talk about how Eichi fits into the story of Enstars, I first have to explain how I view the story itself. The quote that first prompted me to start thinking about Enstars as a sort of a metafictional story was this Wataei conversation from EP:Link:

Wataru: Therefore I plead of you, do not leap to your death nor do anything similar, alright? This world is a dream that you are seeing, so if you die, those who live inside it - yes, even we - will disappear.

Eichi: Is this Alice's adventures in wonderland? Do stop that - if you're the one saying such things, they seem much more plausible... I'm not God, you see? I don't want everything to be just a fantasy of mine. Until the moment my dreams came true, I have always resented God. So, if I truly were God, I would have just been living a farcical one-man show of a life this entire time, no?

Wataru: Even a one-man show can be fulfilling, so long as an audience is there to view it.

I started really racking my brains when I read this. I definitely do not think Enstars would pull a twist as cheap as "everything was just Eichi's fantasy in his sickbed", but this definitely means thatt the world of Enstars is something else than what it appears to be at first glance. After a lot of thought, this is the thesis I came up with:

The world of Enstars functions like a story. The story of Enstars functions like an independent world. Various characters are, to various degrees, aware of this and of the outside audience consuming it, and attempt (and sometimes succeed) to manipulate the narrative and their role within the story. Originally (AKA before the War) everyone within the world of Enstars was very strictly defined by their narrative role within the story: there was the Protagonist (AKA Top Idol - the Godfather, Akepapa, Hidaka Seiya...), there were minor characters (such as Keito who speaks of his struggles to accept himself as a minor character in Crossroad) and then there were those with more interesting roles, such as the Three Eccentrics/Oddballs before they became Oddballs - whose role was more or less to give and give without recieving anything in return. Can I take a small detour and talk about Kanata? I am going to take a small detour to talk about Kanata.

i. i. “the unconditional giver”

I alwayssss see Kanata’s story quoted as the example of Enstars being cheap shock value... but to me, Meteor Impact was one of the most interesting, subtle and thought-provoking stories I read! It presents Kanata’s life this way - he is a God who fulfills wishes. Both for the Shinkai cult and for his peers at Yumenosaki, he fulfills them without being extended any empathy in return. That’s all he is - a wish fulfilling machine. And he seems to be content with that, because it’s all he knows. Once a great calamity comes, the Cult will sacrifice him and feast on his flesh. The end.

One of the heaviest scenes of Meteor Impact, to me, is Kanata finally realizing that his living situation is inhumane through his friendship with Chiaki, a “normal boy” - This kid has never been hugged by anyone before��? says Chiaki. Did he live in an environment that never let him think of that as lonely and misfortunate… and was enshrined as a Living God, just to continue granting wishes? This really is cruel. If there is such a thing as evil in this world - then it must be this.

Yes, so it seems, Kanata finally realizes. I didn’t know that, because my household is within the ocean, I had not once thought of it as agonizing. Humans can’t breathe underwater. Oh gosh, couldn’t someone have at least told me that?

A child being unable to recognize its own abuse and mistreatment isn’t something that only happens to victims of cults and cannibalism. Kanata explains the process of his sacrifice like this: They tore the sacrifice into parts and everyone ate a piece of it. (...) Once they become sacrifices, they are no longer humans. They become fish - beings made to be eaten. What would a being made to be eaten to satisfy the needs of everyone represent in a more everyday situation? Let’s take a look at it from a different angle.

Shinkai Kanata is a good child, a good student. to the Family and to his peers he fulfills expectations and emotional needs without being extended any empathy in return. He is liked, respected, and even loved, but in the end that’s all he is - a wish fulfilling machine. And just with that, he is content, because it’s all he knows. Once he realizes this is unfair, everyone will have already “eaten their share of him” - taken what they wanted and left.

“Humans eating fish” represents his dehumanization from the Cult/Family. Dehumanization is a major theme in the story of the Three Oddballs - in fact, an “Oddball” is an artificial narrative role fabricated by Eichi whose purpose is to be dehumanized, to become an object for the minor characters to rally against and earn their self respect by trampling the Oddballs over.

In Rei’s case, the Other are vampires instead of fish. Let’s look at Rei’s quote during his one moment of feeble rebellion against being reduced to the role of an unconditional giver - I have a dream too. I have my own life. Are you telling me to give those up to serve everyone else? If you’re telling me that’s a sin, if even that level of selfishness is unacceptable, then I wish I’d never been born. Isn’t everyone living for their own sake? Why am I the only exception? Is it because I’m not human, but a vampiric demon?

Let’s connect the three stories - one about a fish god, one about a vampiric demon, and one about the greatest performer for whom every trick is possible - into a singular story about a child who everyone thinks is so advanced and mature that they deny them their right to a normal childhood. About a child who will give and give to family and friends in return for hollow praise until nothing remains of their original self - until they are reduced to a creature who lives to be consumed by others.

Which leads us to...

ii. the War

If we’ve established that the world of Enstars is a story, then a battle for prestige within that world is automatically a battle for prestige within the story. The infamous War of Yumenosaki, approached from this angle, is a battle for relevance within the story, characters battling it out for the role of the protagonist. Tsumugi describes it in Element very clearly for what it is, without any metaphors:

Convinced that they are the main character, they chose the best option for themselves. All they did was put in the effort to make their lives a little better, for the sake of their own happiness. You can’t deny something like that, and it’s not even “evil”. They simply wanted to give a happy ending to the story where they’re the protagonist - the book known as “their life.” They simply just wanted to be happy. And in the story of Yumenosaki Academy, where Eichi-kun became the main character...”

So, to win battles in the war means to elevate your own importance to the story, while to lose means... we all know what happened to Naru’s admirer. The people who died in the war did not only have their dreams broken and commit suicide - they were entirely pushed out of the narrative, not even given names. Even worse than that - they became nothing but a source of guilt for Eichi or something pushing Naru to change as a person - and that, being reduced to mere fuel for another’s character arc, is the most tragic fate for a character who aimed to be the protagonist.

Okay, we finally got to Eichi. Eichi’s original narrative role seems to be something along the lines of “to die misunderstood.” But Eichi, despite being a person who barely understands human relationships and emotions on a human level, has very good understanding of the mechanics of his world and the nature of the characters around him. He utilizes the roles of the Unconditional Givers and fabricates a new artificial role, turning them into Oddballs, and he has all the minor characters of Yumenosaki “eat their share” of them until they are completely trampled over. Some minor characters, such as Naru’s admirer, fall, while some, like Eichi, rise. Tsumugi also had a major role in this (ough Tsumugi deserves an entirely separate post tbh but I’ll just say that his role is unlike otherss because he seems to see himself as someone “outside the story” rather than a character in it?) And through a long chain of using others and being used by Tsumugi to reach Tsumugi’s vision of the Maximum Hapiness of the Majority world, Eichi finally usurps the role of the Protagonist. As shown in Daydream:

Hey, Wataru. You might not believe me, but you were my hero (idol). So in the end, I defeated you. I had all the heroes I’ve admired crawling at my feet; overcoming my inferiority complex, I obtained my life. An ephemeral, vain dream, but my life. My story.

My body trembles, and I throw up. Unable to hold it in, I cough up a mass of blood. Ahh, Wataru’s graceful, perfect, beautiful face is dirtied with blood. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry for being born.

As we see, Eichi has won. But he is not happy. In fact, he is extremely, extremely suicidal, and while rising through the ranks of the story, he sets up a death trap for himself: Hibiki Wataru.

Eichi sets Wataru up as the final opponent, the final bite to eat, his human prize - but in Element, the night before Wataru’s execution, he makes a frail confession: I don’t actually want to see you lose. Uttering those words, Eichi confesses: It is I who wants to be erased.

Between the War and EP:Link, the relationship with Wataru was meant to be Eichi’s means of committing suicide. The final betrayal from Wataru he talks about in EP:Link, the logical conclusion of their story, was supposed to mark his death. This is why Eichi goes to commit suicide in EP:Link after Wataru seemingly abandons him to join a theater troupe. All Wataru has to do is trample Eichi like he’d trampled him and his companions, and all would be well…Or would it?

Natsume: ...you are always so sharp-sighted. If Master can only dance according to a script, then all we need to do is prepare a scenario where the Five Oddballs will win against Fine. (...) I looked for the possibility of us reaching a happy ending. Don’t we, the Five Oddballs... don’t we have the right to be happy too?

Wataru: There is happiness even for villains. You simply do not understand, as you are still young... Everything you desperately prepared is a dream that cannot influence this reality. If we trample upon countless others for the sake of our own happiness... we really will become monsters.

Hibiki Wataru has a plan.

iii. poop i dont know how to title this poop

Let us go back to that first defining scene I mentioned - Eichi has built the foundations of his dream, deduced that Wataru has abandoned him, and prepares to die, and fulfill his original role. Wataru’s words here are enigmatic and interesting. For one, he says Even a one-man show can be fulfilling, so long as there is an audience there to view it. Who is the audience? The audience is “you”, the story’s reader. Even Wataru’s hollow existence as a farcical clown can be meaningful so long as someone turns his eyes to him and finds meaning in it. But how does he get you to do so? What does he do to turn your gaze, among so many characters, to him alone?

He decides to love Eichi.

This “transformative love” is also described well by Keito in crossroads. Though Keito’s love for Eichi remains one-sided and unfulfilled, I find this one of the most meaningful descriptions of love I’ve seen in a story:

Eichi, your dream and mine might not be exactly the same. (...) For it seems that you harbor a pitch-black and muddy hatred within your chest - something that not even I, who has known you for years, cannot comprehend. A darkness that cannot be purified, no matter how many times I recite the sutra. But I still want to save you. Because you have always been my one and only comrade. It’s as if we are separate halves who share the same soul. You are no stranger; you are my very best friend. And I am the son of a temple. Even an incomprehensible creature who is not loved by anyone - it is a monk’s role to hold them close, to love them, to save them. By helping you - you who are just like me - I feel like I myself can achieve salvation as well.

Unfortunately, Keito was not able to save Eichi in the way he needed to be saved. Let us go back to the ending of Daydream.

Eichi: But I could only choose a path that lead me neck-deep in a sea of blood. And that’s why, even if it’s with my enemy, I longed for warmth. Being supported by arms. Embraced. Unconsciously wanting to be spoiled, I rest my cheek against my enemy.

Alone on top of the world, Eichi realizes that his dream all along has been love. Not to become a protagonist on top of the world, but a world where everyone, even he, can become the protagonist. And Wataru tells him, This world is a dream that you are seeing, so if you die, those who live inside it - yes, even we - will disappear.

He tells him, look at this world, and you will see that that dream has already come true.

There aren’t many memorable things about the first Main Story of Enstars, but one thing that always stuck with me is how Trickstar’s true revolution wasn’t in winning a drefes - anyone could do that, become a new Protagonist, and continue the endless cycle. Their true revolution was in, in the end, perceiving Eichi as an equal and, iirc, letting him choose if he wants to break their tie or put his health and life first. In extending empathy to him.

After that act, Enstars as a story begins rejecting the notion of a protagonist and becomes a story that repeats the same events many times from everyone’s perspective, giving everyone’s worldview equal importance and being equally meaningful no matter who you choose as your viewpoint character. what Wataru wants to tell Eichi that despite his “crime”, despite Eichi seeing himself and his deeds as disgusting, his dream has reached people - even people outside their world, the readers looking into their world. Despite Eichi being a selfish person - which he is, in many ways - his dream of love and compassion sustains an entire narrative defined and transformed by love.

You can take all mentions of “the story” in Enstars as purely metaphorical, but if you look at it from a meta perspective with certain characters such as Wataru and Eichi being aware of the story’s existence, then the world of Enstars is a story that’s reached its good ending the moment a reader approaches it with enough goodwill and compassion to come to think of it in such a way. The moment you realize Trickstar’s true revolution wasn’t in winning a DreFes, but in taking Eichi as their equal and empathizing with him. When you as a reader do the same - extend enough empathy to understand everything about Eichi: his desire to win, his desire to die, his selfishness, his selflessness - the storyworld of Enstars unravels before you and rewards you with a good story.

And it doesn’t stop at Eichi. Enstars repeats the same thing again with Eden and then Crazy:B - introducing a character as initially antagonistic, but also revealing their past and their worldview to the reader in a caring way, urging you to want to understand them and empathize with them. This is the only way to “win at Enstars”.

iv. the answer

I believe that the following quote is the most defining sentence in all of Enstars:

Wataru: We are human beings, and so we change, and we grow to love and admire people and such. That is precisely what the answer is - love is precisely what the answer is. I love you, and that is why I’ll continue to be with you from now on.

Eichi is a person with a limited capacity for empathy. As we see in Checkmate, he sympathizes with people by projecting on them, and thinks everyone thinks the same way he does. And one of Eichi’s biggest errors is thinking that human relationships are purely transactional. This is why after Daydream, which can be taken as Eichi “confessing to his crime,” he always believed he would be betrayed in turn by Wataru, and accepted it.

And if it were the same old story, he would receive his punishment willingly, and the cycle would repeat. But Eichi is not the only one who changed the story of Enstars. Wataru - who is, if you remember, aware of the existence of the story, rather than punishing Eichi, chooses to love him and accompany him through the hardships of life. Why?

Wataru’s narrative role is that of an unconditional giver who receives no recognition or satisfaction in return, doomed to only skillfully copy for an eternity, never having anything of his own. And rather than fighting in the War to elevate his role, Wataru employs a different strategy to give his own existence a purpose. He subverts that role - he realizes that the only way he can make an impact on the narrative is through changing Eichi, consciously devoting his role in the story to Eichi so that Eichi can experience unconditional love for the first time, and so the narrative can be transformed. Yes, it was Eichi’s dream of love that changed the world of Enstars, but it’s through Wataru’s loving influence that that dream could be realized. And Wataru isn’t doing it only out of love for Eichi, but also as a rebellion against his own predetermined role by becoming an active giver rather than a passive one.

Eichi: ...A mask? Isn’t that a precious item of yours, part of your collection?

Wataru: Indeed. This is me, and I offer this to you.

Wataru doesn’t devote himself to Eichi because it’s something Eichi wants or deserves - he does so because devoting his role in the story to another is an ultimate act of love in a world that is itself a story. It’s the only way to meaningfully change anything. By choosing to love Eichi, the person who “ desperately tethered him to this world”, Wataru is giving you, the reader, a push towards his own ideals. He wants you, the reader, to see a better story than the existing one.

And love, in all forms, is at the center of the whole story-world of Enstars. This story of Eichi and Wataru, of a person being senselessly, completely loved and accepted for the first time, lives in every other character’s story. In Leo finally being wanted for more than just his songs, in Kuro being able to sew with his hands that once only knew how to hurt others. Wataru, that person who is doomed to copy others, found a way to make himself the blueprint for all love in Enstars, and its world is defined by that love. And that is his rebellion. That is his strategy.

Rather than squabbling with others for the role of the protagonist, he reaches outside the story, directly to the reader and grabs you - look at me. I am everywhere. Wataru won the war.

SUMMARY:

Only through extending empathy to Eichi could the story of Enstars be changed on an in-universe level, and only through extending empathy to Eichi can a reader outside the story come to realize its full potential and meaning! Loving Eichi is the key, and Wataru showed you how to do it!

#meta

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huntingsys · 9 months

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hi there! i dont follow your stuff but i wanted to ask for your opinion on something since youre a autistic system.

im apart of an autistic system, and recently ive been feeling like im not myself. my mannerisms have changed, my mood has changed, and even my mindset has changed. most notably is my mannerisms, which is why the autistic part is important. nothing in my life has really changed, which is why i know its not that.

recently ive been expressing myself/acting in a different way, which feels better than how i did before, so i think i mightve been masking heavily and now that im expressing myself in a way that feels more natural i feel better.

HOWEVER, i've felt recently like a part of me is missing, like a chunk of my identity was tore away. i also literally cannot remember a serious chunk of my trauma with one person when i could recount ~80% of it before.

my latest headmate (to my knowledge) formed about a month ago, and i think ive started feeling this way about a week after that. i still feel like that.

i cant recall a time (recently) where ive felt this way so intensely, so im wondering if you think this could be because of my autism or if its system related, like a split thats just been extremely intense. idk? i usually dont notice when we split other than the increased migraines and the sometimes blurry identity :[

ahhh idk! sorry if this was too long, im not good at explaining stuff :P

hi mate :]

we’ve had very similar experiences to what you’ve been explaining, specifically with our protector and our old host. both times something happened which caused a large shift and splits.

sometimes an alter might split from another and take certain aspects of their mannerisms/personality with them. you might not realise until a little while after that it has actually happened, which could potentially explain what happened to you. that’s what went on with the old host- renny split from him and took a lot of his personality with him.

however i totally get the masking thing. we all express our special interests openly now and that has felt much more comfortable, but we also went through a period of questioning- especially when a couple introjects/fictives began popping up ((stares at funtime foxy who appeared out of NOWHERE))

i guess one of the biggest things to note is that these things are absolutely gonna overlap- maybe the process of unmasking caused your brain to go “oh hold on what are you doing here” and hit the split button. it’s one of those things which are gonna be near impossible to find one specific answer for.

all you can really do is (when possible) talk to your headmates about the recent split, if they noticed the similarities between the two of you, but also the split directly if they’re comfortable. you’re all in this together. they might not have all the answers, and it may just end up being a case of just letting these things happen.

i wish you the best though!! you got this <3

- JAMIE 🖇️

#did #osdd #did osdd #osdd community #autistic system #did system #dissociative system #osdd alter #osdd system #dissociative identity disorder

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biboyhalo · 1 year

Note

as someone who does go here i think you're right. i think people don't take them seriously enough 😭 and I'm gonna be honest, going back to what you were talking about before, and I say this as an autistic person, BBH is just... too autistic for them. Makes naurotypicals uncomfortable, especially if they have to see him as a sexual being or a person with a love life and complex emotion. They see what they want to see and that's a man with "weird" mannerisms and an innocent mind.

oop there it is. i literally have so many feelings about this. i think what contributes is that his autistic traits cant be seen as "quirky" character things because he's not conventionally attractive. obviously hot autistic people get ableism too im not saying they dont but on a surface level certain traits will go over easier with hot people than with people society deemed as ugly. and badboyhalo's more socially unnacceptable traits are quite visible in his mannerisms and the way he expresses himself as well. as u said they will just find him "too autistic" for their liking.

i saw some people comment on his behaviour yesterday and whats surprising it was people who reacted positively to his more neurodivergent traits on non-irl streams. like his stimming and overall non-caring about being perceived as cringe. but then suddenly they see him avoid eye contact and have non-regular facial expressions and reactions and its "awkward" even tho it rly wasnt 😭 like some bits they played up for fun but it was so obvious to me theyre comfortable with each other.

lmao sorry for the bbh autism rant i just. theres many thoughts head full and ive been holding it in for a long time lmao

here have this i sent this in tc in may lol

#anon #asks

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quodekash · 1 year

Text

HELLO I FINALLY HAVE TIME TO WATCH THE FIRST OS2 SIMM EPISODE

im really hoping they do seanmaitee and not naysean for this, bc otherwise ill probably scream and riot. i love winnysatang with all my being, but their characters in this show shouldn’t be a couple in my opinion (if you ship them i have absolutely no problem with that). from memory (and i binged simm not too long ago so i think my memory is reliable), they’re literally only in the same room together once, and they dont even interact at all. SEANMAITEE, ON THE OTHER HAND, were SO CLEARLY being built towards in the show (the way maithee would hit on so many people, and sean would constantly stop him, but then when sean watched someone else hit on daonuea but didnt stop him, and the way sean always has a protective arm around maithee, and gejrdhfbghr i could talk about them forever honestly), and then the COWARDS freaking DIDNT MAKE THEM OFFICIALLY CANON???? im so salty about this and need confirmation and i will be Angry™️ if they do naysean instead of seanmaitee

anyway, time for the actual commentary to begin (that was a really long introduction, damn) (future egg here to tell you: it gets worse. the commentary is really long on this one. it’s mostly keysmashes about seanmaithee. good luck.)

THIS IS PROMISING, VERY VERY PROMISING, PLS P’NEW AND SCREENWRITERS AND GMMTV AND STUFF, DON’T CHICKEN OUT LIKE YOU DID LAST TIME

im actually stressed out why am i stressed out

im genuinely scared for what’s gonna happen

what if they do naysean

theyd better not do naysean, PLEASE

grebghreb

(im literally 20 seconds in, why cant i just watch stuff without needing to spam my thoughts)

THESE FLASHBACKS ARE SO SWEET

SIMM HAS BEEN SITTING IN THE BACK OF MY MIND BC EVERY OTHER SERIES IVE WATCHED SINCE THEN HAS BEEN SO MUCH MORE BRAINROTTY THAN THIS ONE BUT I STILL LOVE THEM

“i still love daonuea, i love daonuea, and i love daonuea” ITS SO FREAKING SWEET WHAT THE HELL

this has definitely been said before by like everyone, but something i love about this series in particular is how kluen was terrible at showing his emotions and feelings and inner thoughts, he was this blank slate going around and showing nothing. but then, as the series progresses, he tries harder to show nuea that he likes him. but my boy doesnt have it figured out yet, and there’s communication errors and it seems like he’s pushing himself on nuea and it seems like an unhealthy/toxic relationship, but it’s not, he’s just autistic and doesnt know how to communicate his emotions and he’s trying for the first time and doing it wrong but he’s trying. and then it gets to the last episode (or two? i cant remember) and theyre so happy and fluffy and good vibes and its because he’s finally figured it out, he just has to say ‘i love you i love you i love you’ and even pronounce it to the world ‘I LOVE DAONUEA’ so that everyone knows and so that nuea knows and so that they can both finally understand and be happy and ghrbghrb they make me happy

that was so incoherent but you probably get the gist of what i mean

okay im gonna stop ranting now, im still only a minute into the episode lmao

HELL YES THIS FREAKING INTRO

MY FREAKING BOYS

THEYRE COMING BACK NEXT WEEK

ANJGHBERJDHGBERHJBGEHRAAAAAA

sorry this post is supposed to be about simm, ill try to keep the eclipse keysmashes to a minimum

AND PUENTALAY ARE COMING BACKKKK

im much more excited about puentalay than i was last week since i rewatched vvs a few days ago

NOOO THE LITTLE HAND KISS- IM GONNA CRY

TINNGUNNNNN

sorry i should stop freaking out about the shows that are coming and start freaking out about NUEAKLUEN THEYRE BACK HELLO MY BOYS

GUY4ERGHKBER SATANG

HELLO SATANG

ILY

ILY A LOT

AND MAITHEE STANDING NEXT TO SEAN AND STARING DIRECTLY AT HIM LIKE THERES NOTHING ELSE IN THE WORLD HE SHOULD BE STARING AT?? THIS IS PROMISING

kluen why are you slightly late

he’s gonna profess his love for nuea in front of all the freshmen isnt he

i know he’s gonna do it

“that’s the hottest senior from the faculty of dentistry” yup. absolutely. he’s gonna profess his love in front of all the freshmen

if he doesnt profess his love in front of all the freshmen, then im a bar-ba-loot from the lorax

yUP

im shaking my head in a supposedly disappointed way rn but im actually smiling bc i love him

he’s so pretty and in love with his pretty boyfriend and their love is pretty

HIS FREAKING SHIPPER FACE

SEAN’S KNOWN FOR LONGER THAN ANY OF THEM AND I FREAKING LOVE HIM

omg he did like a little sway and nudged maithee a little bit with his shoulder ghjerbgdh

by the way im gonna switch between spelling it maitee and maithee cos idk which one is right so im playing both sides, so you’re just gonna have to deal with that

(there’s a high likelihood that no one’s noticed the spelling alternations and now that ive pointed it out everyone’s gonna be hyperaware of it, but its fine)

he knows what he just did

“i just wanted to make it clear from the start in case some freshmen hit on you” i love him

also i was about to say that kluen is supposedly the hottest senior, so shouldnt he be more worried about himself getting hit on, but then i remembered that in this universe dao is the sun and everyone else is the solar system revolving around him, so of course the freshmen would try to hit on him lmao

except for sean.

sean’s a moon revolving around maitee

THE HANDS THE FREAKING HANDS LOOK AT THEM HOLDING HANDS

I KNOW THEYRE DATING AND THEY HAVE BEEN FOR LIKE A YEAR

BUT I JUST LOVE HOW THEYRE SO OPEN AND FREE AND HAPPY AND IN LOVE AND I LOVE THEM AND THEY LOVE EACH OTHER AND I SWEAR IM OKAY (im not okay)

“but after meeting you again, i knew i must start loving you. there’s no way i will let go of you again” THIS MAN IS GONNA MAKE ME FREAKING CRY WHAT THE HELL THAT’S SO FREAKING SWEET

THEY LOVE EACH OTHER

AND IT’S SO RAW AND PURE AND GHJRBDGHRB

HIS FREAKING SMILE, HE LOVES HIM SO MUCH

“you’re shy, so you’re walking away, darling” dARLING-- IM DYING

fun fact, i was watching vice versa with italian subtitles and at one point one of them called the other ‘darling’, which is ‘tesorino’ in italian, and i knew that the suffix -ino means ‘little’, so i looked up what ‘tesoro’ means and it’s ‘treasure’, whcih means if you’re calling someone darling in italian youre calling them ‘little treasure’ and i just think that’s so sweet 🥺😭

I LITERALLY JUST GASPED

THEYRE STANDING NEXT TO EACH OTHER

AND IT’S MAITHEE’S ARM AROUND SEAN INSTEAD OF THE OTHER WAY AROUND???? PLEASE TELL ME THAT MEANS WHAT I HOPE IT MEANS

HE’S SO FREAKING HAPPY, IT MAKES ME HAPPY

CONTAGIOUS HAPPINESS

GRJKGB

ARE WE ABOUT TO GET A FULL FREAKING SCENE WITH THEM???

or am i clowning

i was expecting just crumbs but pLEASE TELL ME THEYRE GIVING US A FULL SCENE

PERHAPS EVEN TWO SCENES

honestly just let pawin’s characters be happy and gay

also i find it funny that the order theyre going in is the first three are all of pawin’s in a row

(and in all of them he’s gonna get a happy and gay side character plot line??? please????????)

gosh darnnit nuea is in the scene now

perhaps there will be something later in the episode? maybe in tonight’s episode??

THE SHOULDERS THE ARM AROUND THE SHOULDERS IS PAWIN FINALLY BECOMING MORE PROTECTIVE OF SEAN IS HE FINALLY REALISING HIS FEELINGS FOR SEAN AND/OR FINALLY BECOMING OPEN ABOUT HIS FEELINGS FOR SEAN PLEASE TELL ME THAT’S WHAT THAT IS

THE ARM AROUND THE SHOULDERS IS A METAPHOR

OR SOMETHING

MAYBE

let me dream, okay

ya know who else ignores everyone and focuses only on the person he loves intently? sean

maithee why is your voice so croaky

is that just pawin putting on a particular voice for the character

or was pawin sick

or is maithee sick

if its one of the last two, i hope he’s okay (be it the character or the actor)

so... the croaky voice was intentional?

THE L O O K

sidenote, satang is so freaking pretty. why. who decided that.

MAITEE ARE YOU COPYING THEM??? PLEASE TELL ME YOU’RE COPYING THEM

SEAN WHY DID YOU LEAN AWAY YOUVE BEEN IN LOVE WITH HIM FOR YEARS

it’s the fate of The Captain

just ask tiw, he knows how it feels

or wat, also ask wat

or aoi and jack

or- sorry ill stop lmao

kluen arent you a dentist. why are you sitting at nursing.

idk how dentist school works

did he have to go through nursing stuff to get to dentisting?

im an arts and literature kid, idk what im talking about

OMG, STRAIGHT PEOPLE??

this is a rare phenomenon, folks

hello straights / straight presenting potential future couple

omg its literally been nearly an hour since i started watching and im still only 8 minutes into the episode

OR, PERHAPS, LESBIANS???

there could be anything, really

in my mind, every single character in ever single piece of media is pansexual until proven otherwise

bro you’re leaning into each other so much, JUST KISS

also i sense that sean’s about to become the unwilling captain of yet another ship (but he secretly loves it)

kiss.

lmao theyre not sponsored by the anime sparkling water, it’s just normal water, the little plebs

soundwin were sponsored by the anime sparling water

and then tiwpor were

but soundwin did it first

soundwin always did it first

anyway, it’s seanmaithee time not soundwin time

KISS. (again, the frEAKING ARM OVER THE SHOULDER GHBRHGB)

there was a slight scene change and i thought that meant that maybe we wouldnt see much of them for a while, but nOPE, THEYRE EVERYWHERE

i wouldnt be surprised if they were behind me right now

hello seanmaitee, how are you today

(i wish)

lmao they even blurred the water bottles in post just so that everyone knows that THIS ISNT A SPONSOR

THEY BACK TO THEIR ROOTS, SEAN’S HAND ON MAITEE’S SHOULDER

BRO YOU’RE ALWAYS SMILING AT HIM IN MOMENTS WHERE IT DOESN’T FEEL LIKE IT FITS THE CONTEXT TO BE SMILING AT HIM

YOURE IN LOVE WITH HIM

KISS HIM

“you two see that kluen and i are in love, but let me tell you that-” THAT YOU TWO ARE ALSO IN LOVE???? “we actually love each other much more than what you see” DANG IT I WAS WRONG

im right tho. seanmaithee are in love.

HES SO UNNECESSARY AND DRAMATIC, I LOVE HIM SO MUCH

im sorry what the hell does that mean

omg maybe its because he knows how to make people jealous because he knows that he’s always made sean jealous and he knows that now because theyve already confessed to each other and theyre already dating???????

im definitely clowning but shut up i dont care

whoop, helmet putting on time

(guess what, soundwin did that first too-)

i smell a sponsorship in this motorbike thingy

this makes me so happy

why does this make me so happy

he knwos him so well and knows he loves art and stuff

so he wants to take him to buy watercolour

i love them

i love them so much

grhgbtrhbgfr

OH HE EVEN KNEW HE WAS RUNNING OUT OF WATERCOLOUR??? BROOOOOO

theyre so sweet

sorry im tryna take the commentary down a notch because this is long enough already lmao

FINALLY, IM FINISHED 1/4

THAT TOOK WAY TOO LONG

IT WAS ONLY LIKE 15 MINUTES LONG AND ITS BEEN OVER AN HOUR SINCE I STARTED

omg i just remembered i forgot to watch the mv for the ost for this

i was gonna do it like four times yesterday but i kept getting distracted and forgetting

dang it

OMG OISHI SPONSOR

I FREAKING LOVE OISHI SPONSORSHIP SEGMENTS

THEYRE MY FAVOURITE SPONSORSHIPS AND I CANT EVEN EXPLAIN WHY

is it just bc i love ice tea? that could very well be it

lmao nueakluen stirring things up just to make seanmaitee confused this is so funny

im loving this storyline

we’ve barely seen it play out yet but i want typhoon to be happy and this is so nice

lmao what girls

seanmaithee are in love with each other, bro

aweeee little accidental kiss

FOREHEAD KISS

“CAN I KISS YOU”

and he asked in ENGLISH

its always so offputting whenever they speak english for like one sentence bc im never expecting it

i love it

but also i hate it

why are you speaking english

stop speaking this rubbish language

it sucks

a lot

its the worst language

keep speaking thai, please

AWW KISSEEEE

“of course” STOP IT WITH THE ENGLISH, PLEASE

AWWWWWEEEEEHBRDHFGBREHJDG KISSSSSS THEY KISS

HAPPY

“you only kissed one cheek so i only open one eye” hes so silly (affectionate) i love him

brEAKFAST IN BED???

EGWSVFHGSGV “will you eat breakfast first or eat me first” bro

THE FAKE DRAMA THEYRE STIRRING UP- THIS IS SO FUNNY WHAT THE HELL

GEIRHBDGHREDB TYPHOON AND... i forgot her name. the girl. TYPHOON AND THE GIRL THEY MEAN SO MUCH TO ME

shes so pretty

THE FAKE ARGUMENTS

ITS SO FUNNY

KLUEN’S GETTING SO INTO IT HIS ANGER LOOKS SO REAL OMG

mIN, THAT’S HER NAME, MIN

“if this thing makes them break up, let’s get ordained, shall we?” the way this is worded it sounds like some kind of marriage proposal

“i told you i already have a date with a girl” NOOOOOOOOO

noooooo, maithee had a date with a girl, and the only other person other than their group that’s going on the trip thing is nay, and theyre definitely gonna do a naysean thing, gosh freaking darnnit

unless they dont

unless maitee only had the date so that he could try and get over his feelings for sean bc hes convinced himself sean doesnt reciprocate, but my hopes are not high

BUILDING A HOUSE TOGETHER???? PLEASEEEEE

theyre so freaking in love i love them so much

LITTLE KISSE i love when they little kisse

damn its over now

NOOOOO IN THE PREVIEW THERES A SUPER CLEAR NAYSEAN THING

I LOVE WINNYSATANG A LOT BUT WHY CANT IT BE SEANMAITHEEEEEEEE

pls i just want pawin’s characters to be happy and gay in every single os2 episode that he’s in

and because seanmaithee hAVE to be together

AAAAAA

welp i take too long to watch things and now the next episode comes out in a little under 2 hours, and i started watching this about two hours ago so thats fun

#quodekash watches our skyy 2 despite desperately needing to sleep #quodekash annoys everyone about star in my mind (im so sorry)#star in my mind #star & sky #khabkluen #daonuea #nueakluen #kluennuea #kluendao #seanmaitee #seanmaithee #joongdunk #joong archen #dunk natachai #typhoonmin #mintyphoon #pepper phanuroj #pawin kulkaranyawich #satang kittiphop

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screechthemighty · 2 years

Text

Okay, so, remember that “the Knight System is autistic” fic I posted the first chunk of like two weeks ago? Because technically it’s still not done. But I realized after the finale that I could tweak it before posting it to AO3 and make it canon-compliant and most of it would actually make more sense. Except I also wrote part five (which is the longest part before/after ep. five and included some bits that are decidedly non-canon now. But I’m too attached to them to not share them. So...yeah, here’s the plan:

1) The second chunk AKA part five will be posted below.

2) I’ll finish up part six and then edit the earlier parts to be canon compliant.

3) Then I’ll post the whole, canon-compliant version to tumblr/AO3 and you’ll be able to read it all in one go instead of chunked across two posts and incomplete and non-canon, lmao.

Yeah, I know, it’s a mess, but I’m Trying(TM). (Also I have another Moon Knight fic coming that will be a LOT more cohesive I promise).

Anyways! Alternate version part five of the “the Knight System is autistic” fic! CWs for internalized abelism/some abelist language, mentions of Marc’s suicidal thoughts/behavior, brief mention of child abuse, and a public meltdown.

iv. sensory overload

It hadn’t been the best day.

It felt like neither of them had slept all week. Marc was there, but only barely. Layla tried not to let that get to her, but...

“Can we not...can we not do this today?” Marc reached over to turn off the radio. “I’m sorry, I just can’t...”

He did sound guilty. In another time, she might not have thought twice about it. But that day, the silence made her feel like she was being buried alive. Marc leaned against the window with his eyes shut, hand opening and closing above his knee.

Damn it, Marc, say something. He didn’t, so eventually she had to. “So, you don’t happen to have any contacts in town that I don’t know about, do you?” she asked. “Because we could probably get this done faster if we split the work. I’m sure we could think of something to tell them.”

No response.

She let it sit. Let it sit until she couldn’t take it. “Marc...”

“I don’t. I don’t. Have anyone.”

“You sure? No war buddies? Maybe Duchamp or...” She glanced his way. “The woman you told me about, from the Marines? What was her name?”

Another long pause. His breathing sounded harsh. She’d thought it was just her imagination, her frustration making her hear everything more loudly, but even the rise and fall of his chest was choppy. “Marc?”

“I’m okay.” That was a lie. One of the few he had the nerve to say to her face. “Army Rangers.”

“What?”

“Walker was Army Rangers. Not Marines.”

Then he went quiet again. End of conversation, I guess.

Layla kept her gaze fixed on the road after that. A few times she thought she felt Marc glance at her. She couldn’t bring herself to look his way and confirm it. Just in case she was wrong.

Eventually, they reached the grocery store. Marc’s shoulders were tenser than ever as they went inside. She should’ve taken that as a hint, but Layla could really only think two things: that Steven wasn’t going to like how sore his neck were going to be, and that she couldn’t handle the silence anymore.

“So,” she said. “Are we ever gonna talk about this?”

Marc flinched, but didn’t look at her. “Can you please be a little more specific?” he said, his voice as tense as his shoulders. “I’m not a mind reader.”

“Any of it? You’ve barely been speaking to me about anything. We talk about work and that’s it.” Layla tried to angle herself so he had to look at her, but somehow he found a way to keep his eyes fixed on the shelves of bread. “Something’s eating at you. I want to know.”

“It’s nothing. I’m fine.”

“Then why are you clenching your jaw again? Why have I been seeing Steven so much lately?”

“I thought you like Steven.”

Layla straightened up. Was she imagining it, or did he sound...annoyed? Accusatory? “What’s what supposed to mean?” she said.

Marc closed his eyes tightly, as if his own words had caused him pain. “Nothing. I’m gonna go get more aspirin.”

“Marc - !”

She hesitated. That was her next mistake. She was so thrown off by him just walking away again that her body took a second to catch up. By the time she started looking for him, he was already lost in the crowds and the aisles.

How many times is he going to do this? How many times is he going to walk away from me?

Screw it. Layla didn't bother trying to look for him. She kept following her own list, head down. She tried to ignore the little doodle at the bottom Steven had drawn. Some stick figure monstrosity that roughly looked like Khonshu with a speech bubble that said, Weh, meh, I’m Khonshu and I’m bloody ungrateful, shut up worm.

Layla sometimes wondered what the deity was up to lately. If even Steven was starting to get outwardly annoyed...

Something shattered a few aisles over. Layla flinched and looked around. Everyone else seemed startled, but even after a few heartbeats, no one was panicking. Some kid must have dropped a jar. Nothing to worry about. She turned back to her shopping, until...

“Sir? Sir...”

Someone ran past her aisle and for the door.

Not just someone. Marc.

His head felt like it was being squeezed in a vice.

He couldn’t even tell which part was wrong. The lights were too bright, too loud. Every car that had driven past outside sounded like its engine was blasting directly into his ears. He could feel every seam on his clothes. Everything compounded to a swirl of nightmarish sensation.

And then there was Khonshu.

“HOW MUCH LONGER ARE YOU GOING TO STALL, MARC?”

Marc tried to keep his eyes fixed on the jars in front of him. He was trying to remember what kind of jam Steven liked. It felt like every memory was fading into nothing. Even the ones he’d been fully present for. How long had he been in this aisle? Where was Layla?

Layla. You snapped at her. You upset her. Fuck, why can’t you do anything right?

“WE HAVE WORK TO DO, MARC. YOU CAN’T WASTE TIME...”

“I’m handling it,” Marc said, or thought he said. Was the floor tilting under him? Sit down. You need to sit down. Sit down where, this is a grocery store, are you gonna sit in the aisles like a child... “I’m handling it...”

“Doesn’t seem to me like you’re handling anything.”

Marc thought he saw something move in the distorted reflection in the jam jars. He closed his eyes. No, that was almost worse. Light still trickled in through the gaps. His chest felt tight.

Breathe, Marc.

“YOU AGREED. MY FIST OF JUSTICE. WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING WITH THAT LATELY?”

He didn’t know. Nothing had felt right in weeks. He couldn’t focus on being the fist of justice, he couldn’t focus on trying to make things better with Layla, everything felt wrong and it was so much worse now in this fucking grocery store...

Somewhere, a kid shrieked. Marc flinched at the sound, his body jerking away from the shelves—

Elbow hitting a jar—

The sound of shattering was worse than the shriek had been. Next thing Marc knew, he was hunched over in the aisle, hands over his ears. It didn’t stop that shattering from echoing in his skull. People were talking. Looking at him. A memory bobbed to the surface. Much younger, in a store, lost, lights too bright, too loud, all these faces, some concerned, some disturbed. What’s wrong with him? Hey, where’s your mother? Is he crying? Sir...

Sir, are you hurt?

The hand brushed his shoulder.

That, of all things, was the last straw.

Marc ran for the door.

He somehow made it outside without hitting anything or anyone, but outside wasn’t better. The sun was blinding. People were trying to get in. Cars...

I can’t do this. Someone was calling his name. More than one someone? Khonshu (leave me alone), Layla (no, no, she can’t see me like this, she can’t), Steven...

Steven?

Please, please, I can’t do this, help me, please, I can’t do this, I can’t...

A car horn blared.

Steven scrambled to a stop, hands outstretched. The driver looked at him with aggravation, shouting something muffled by the engine. “Sorry! Sorry, sorry, sorry...”

Wait, where was he?

Steven focused on getting out of the way of the car before looking around. Parking lot. Grocery store. Wasn’t sure he’d ever been here before. His skin had this horrible, residual feeling of wrongness crawling over it, and there were tears on his face.

Well, that’s not good. He wiped them away and took a deep breath. I should get somewhere quiet. I can think if it’s quiet. Where was the car? Where was Layla?

“Marc!”

Uh oh.

Steven turned around. He didn’t have to explain it. From the look on her face, she’d figured it out. “Sorry,” Steven said again. “I think I...we need a minute, d’you mind if I...”

He noticed something grasped in one hand as he gestured towards the parking lot. A bottle of aspirin. Marc had been holding it so tightly their fingers ached. “...didn’t pay for this, did he?” Steven said sheepishly.

Layla laughed. It quickly became clear that she didn’t find it funny. It sounded like she might cry. For a second, Steven’s own conviction that he might start crying himself any second now seemed irrelevant. “Hey, hey, it’s all right...”

He tried to reach out, but all Layla did is take the aspirin. “It’s okay, I’ve got it,” she said. She passed him the car keys. “It’s down that way. I’ll see you in a bit.”

She had that look again. He still didn’t quite know what it meant, but she always seemed to wear it when she came to him expecting Marc and found him instead. Not disappointment, but...something else? He didn’t have time to analyze it. She was walking away and he really needed to get to a quieter environment.

Steven speed-walked to the car, into the driver’s side, and only started the car enough to turn on the air conditioning. The white noise of the fan running and the cool air on his face gave him near-instant relief. Steven carefully leaned against the steering wheel and closed his eyes. “Bad time of day to go shopping, mate,” he mumbled.

Was that what happened? Out of everything he and Marc could have in common was...that on the list? He’d have to ask Layla what happened later. He didn’t feel good about it—he tried not to be nosy about what happened between the two of them, especially since everyone was still trying to work out what the boundaries were. But it was perfectly acceptable to ask about things that affected him, too. Waking up in the parking lot and nearly getting hit by a car because Marc had run out of the grocery store for some reason was definitely on that list.

Besides...he did worry. After everything he’d seen...what he knew and understood about Marc now...sometimes it felt like the only reason Marc was keeping himself upright was for Steven’s sake, not his own.

That couldn’t be enough all the time. It just couldn’t.

Layla came back eventually. Steven helped her load the car and quietly moved into the passenger’s seat as they started driving away. Despite his resolution to ask her, he spent at least five minutes trying to think of the right thing to say.

And of course, the first thing to come out of his mouth was, “Shopping trip didn’t seem to go well.”

Fortunately, as with the comment about the aspirin, it got another laugh out of her. Unfortunately, as with the aspirin laugh, it sounded like she didn’t really find it funny at all. “No. No, shopping trip went horribly.” They stopped at a stop sign. There was no one else around at that point, but Layla stayed stopped much longer than she had to. “I think it’s partially my fault.”

“What? No, how could it be?”

“I just...tried to talk to him about something sensitive and...it wasn’t really the time, but there hasn’t...” She shook her head. “I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

“I don’t want to drag you into this. None of it is your fault. There’s nothing you can do about it. It’s not fair.”

He understood where she was coming from, and a part of him was grateful she was thinking of his comfort. But this time... “I don’t know about that. He listens to me sometimes.” Steven tried for a smile. “Besides, I think...maybe this is starting to affect me, too. So maybe I should start getting involved?”

Layla considered it. When she finally moved the car forward, it was to pull over.

Then she started talking. It was a lot to take in, and it seemed like she’d be holding onto it for a while. But Steven go the gist of it.

He hasn’t been talking to me. It’s like he’s shut off. I can see him burning himself out but he won’t do anything about it. I thought we were supposed to be making things work, but...

They were. That was the whole idea. “So, I’m guessing all of this...boiled over, and then you tried to talk to him in the store,” Steven guessed. “Is that when he ran off?”

“No, it was after. He walked away from the conversation to get the aspirin, I didn’t go after him, I heard something break...next thing I know, I see him running out of the store. The clerk I talked to asked if he was okay, said he looked pretty freaked, but I don’t know...”

Steven thought about the tension in their jaw and shoulders and the fact that he’d come to in a parking lot with tears on his face. He thought about how bright the sun was and that it was, as he’d said, a horrible time of day to go shopping. He only ever went when it was late enough that only the stragglers and closers were left, or on the blessed days when his day off and the sensory friendly hours overlapped. And all the rest of that...

Hold on.

“Burning himself out working on this...Moon Knight thing, yeah?”

Layla nodded.

...damn it.

“Hold on.” Steven opened the car door. “Need to have a word with someone.”

He wasn’t sure it would work, but damn it if he wasn’t going to try. They’d pulled over next to a field, which worked just fine for his purposes. “Oi!” Steven yelled. He had to squint against the sunlight as he looked around. “Bird brain! What have you been doing to Marc?”

The shadow cast over him probably should have terrified him, but he was too angry to be afraid. “I HAVE REMINDED HIM OF HIS OBLIGATIONS-“

“Obligations, right. So you’re running him ragged? Yelling at him when he’s already working himself to the bone?” Steven turned around. Khonshu was doing his looming thing again. The sight did briefly make his throat close up, but his frustration overrode that quickly. “You’re killing him, you know that, right?”

“I...”

“No, shut up for five seconds! He’s so tense I need painkillers, he had a meltdown in a public place, you know he’s afraid of people thinking he’s bonkers...he needs to rest, and he doesn’t need you shaming him for it! Don’t, I’m not done!” It was impossible to read a facial expression when Khonshu didn’t have one, but the way he jerked his head back said indignant. “Did you learn anything after Harrow? Your last avatar tried to unleash Ammit on the planet, so you think, oh, I know, I’ll just badger the next one to an early grave! Marc’s the best possible avatar you could ask for, I know you know that, and if you had half a brain in that stupid skull of yours, you’d be doing whatever it took to keep him alive So, here’s what’s going to happen. Layla and I are going to make sure he rests and takes care of himself, yeah, and you can either get with the program, or I will personally make this whole arrangement very difficult. Understand?”

Khonshu bristled. “WE HAD A DEAL.”

“No, you and Marc had a deal. I didn’t agree to do anything.” Oh, he was on shaky ground and he knew it, but what else could he do? What else was going to work? “We do this on my terms or you find a new avatar. And I don’t just say that because of what I plan on doing. I don’t think he’ll want to take your offer a second time. He barely took it the first time, least you forget.”

He felt ill bringing that up, but...weirdly, it seemed to work. At the very least, Khonshu didn’t say anything as Steven stalked past him to the car. Layla looked...more than a little concerned when he got back in. “Were you just yelling at Khonshu?” she asked.

“...yeah...” His hands still weren’t shaking. Huh. “Guess once you’ve been claimed by the Duat, nothing really scares you anymore.”

“Huh?”

“Nothing. Long story.” Steven adjusted the vents as they drove. He felt like he’d re-ignited that headache by shouting so much. Hopefully it was worth it in the long run.

There was, he realized, one more person he should try to talk to. At least this one would be more willing to listen. “Look, don’t tell Marc I told you this, but...”

Oh, he definitely won’t like this.

“Y’know, couple people at my old job thought I was...on the spectrum, you know what I mean? Not in like a, oh, look at Steven, being weird again way, they actually meant it. And I don’t think they were wrong, I was just already on the wait list for a sleep test...” He couldn’t hold back a laugh. “...guess I don’t need that anymore. Anyway.” He glanced her way. She had both eyes on the road, but the expression she used when she was trying to pick apart a puzzle. “I don’t pretend to know how all this works. But what’s happening with him sounds familiar, and...if it is, if I’m right, he’s not doing this on purpose. He’s just got more to jump through. More than having me rattling around. I know, that doesn’t make things easier for you, but for what it’s worth...”

Layla nodded. She still looked so tired, so...sad. There had to be something he could do to fix this. Not just for Marc’s sake. But how? It was a lengthy conversation to have...they could talk, but this would take some extra effort.

Maybe...

“Hey, do we have any extra notebooks?”

He shouldn’t have been disappointed when he woke up. He was trying to move past all that. He was really trying. The fact that he woke up feeling decently rested, not even a little sore, only made it worse.

He still takes better care of us than you do.

Marc rolled over and pulled the blankets further up. He might’ve stayed there if he hadn’t heard Layla moving around.

She’s not leaving for good, is she?

The thought was enough to make him get out of bed. He wasn’t sure what he’d do if he was, what he could say that could make things right (especially with how he’d been acting lately), but he knew he’d never forgive himself if he didn’t try. He had a speech all ready.

He didn’t need it.

“Hey, you might want to sit this one out,” Layla sad without looking up. “It’s not dangerous, this guy is just kind of an asshole...” Layla did a double-take when she saw him. “Marc?”

“...yeah.” He was taken aback to hear...relief in her voice. “How long...?”

“Three days.” Days. Of course it had been days. “Do you remember what happened?”

“Think I...freaked out in the grocery store. I ran...don’t remember anything else after that. Was Steven okay?” Steven, left to pick up the pieces again. You can’t keep doing this to him.

“He’s all right. Worried about you. We both are.”

Marc wasn’t sure how to respond to that. His chest was a hurricane of emotions—relief that she wasn’t angry, confusion as to why she wasn’t angry, shame that he’d made her worry, that she was worrying about him despite all the bullshit he’d pulled lately...what are you still doing here? Steven’s stuck with me, but what are you still doing here?

“Listen, I...” Layla hesitated. “I have someplace I have to go, but I can handle it alone. You should stay here and rest. And...” She got something off the table, one of those black and white notebooks he remembered from school. “...Steven wanted you to read this.”

Marc frowned slightly and too the notebook. Weird. Steven had never written anything for him before. “Are you sure you’ll be okay?” he asked.

“Yeah, I’m sure. Like I said, nothing dangerous, they’re just assholes. I didn’t want them bullying Steven.” She hesitated before squeezing his shoulder. “Promise me you’ll rest?”

Marc laughed bitterly, despite himself. “Don’t know how much of a say I get,” he said. “But...I’ll try.”

“Okay.” Layla hesitated again. He wished he knew what that look on her face meant. “I’ll see you later.”

“See you.”

He hated how dubious it sounded, even to his own ears. Hopefully Layla didn’t hear it.

Despite his promise, Marc put off reading the notebook at first. He just held it, fingers tracing over the cover as if he could guess what was inside just by touch. The longer he sat there, the more strongly he felt eyes on him.

“What?” Marc asked dully.

Khonshu at last had the decency to loom on the other side of the room. “YOU SAID YOU DIDN’T KNOW.”

“I did?”

“WHEN I ASKED.”

...no, they weren’t doing this. Marc stood up, gripping the notebook in both hands. He barely made it to the door before Khonshu stopped looming in the corner and starting standing in Marc’s way. “DO YOU KNOW?”

Marc gritted his teeth, sending a twinge of pan up his jaw. “Do you actually want to know?” he said. “Do you give a shit about the answer or are you just hoping I’ll make you feel better?”

Khonshu didn’t reply.

“Can I go? Please?”

When he looked up again, Khonshu was gone. Marc sighed and headed straight for the coffee maker. If was going to read the damn thing, he might as well be awake when he did.

Once the cup was brewed, Marc settled down, took a deep breath, and forced himself to open the notebook. Steven’s handwriting was getting to be familiar at this point, almost calming. Or it would’ve been, had his stomach not been trying to claw its way out of his body.

Hello! Feels a bit weird to be trying this, but I’ve got a lot to say and I know a lengthy conversation would be a lot of effort. Long and short of it is that I’m worried about you. Layla says you’ve been struggling lately and I can feel it, too. (Unclench your jaw. I know you’re doing it right now.)

“Funny,” Marc muttered, though he did make a conscious effort to relax his jaw as he kept reading.

Thing is, I know you’ve had a lot on your plate. Not just lately. I’m guessing forever, and I’m guessing it wasn’t just me. Now I don’t want to make any assumptions, so just tell me if any of this sounds familiar:

You don’t notice you’re hungry until it’s too late (especially when you’re working)

Sometimes it feels like the same amount of work feels like it takes twice as much effort as it does everyone else

You have at least three bad sounds, five bad kinds of fabric, bright lights make you want to claw your eyes out, and being out in public too long feels worse than a fist fight

You can hear the phone charger at night and no one knows what you’re talking about when you mention it to them

You can’t always tell what people are thinking from their faces, but everyone acts like you should. Really people act like you should know a lot of things when you don’t. It’s like they want you to be a bloody mind reader.

I’d ask if you talk too much sometimes, but Layla said you stop talking entirely. Still counts towards my point

You kept having “tantrums” even as an adult. (They’re not really tantrums I’m telling you that now. But everyone calls them that, because people are stupid. Anyway!)

There was more to the list, but Marc stopped reading the list after the last one. He had to set the notebook aside and breathe past the memory...panic, lights too bright, hands harshly jerking him along out of the store...

You’re too old to be doing this, Marc!

It was like all he ever did was give her reasons to hate him.

But how did Steven know about all that? He wasn’t supposed to experience those moments. That was the point. Marc picked up the notebook again, bypassing the rest of the list to get back to the main point.

Now you’re probably wondering, “Steven, you handsome devil, how do you know so much?” Because I’ve been living that. My whole life. And I know there’s lots we don’t have in common, but we could have all of this in common. And if we do, I can help.

I know that this isn’t something you like to talk about. But none of this is your fault and none if it is anything you should be ashamed of. You don’t have to push yourself to be like everyone else. I understand. Layla does, too. We’re both worried about you, and we don’t want you to keep hurting yourself like this.

I wrote down some of the things that help me. Just promise me you’ll think about it? If not for your sake, then mine, and Layla’s. He’d scratched something out there. Marc could guess from context: it’s hurting us, too. Steven had probably taken that out, not wanting to make Marc feel worse than he already did, but...

He wouldn’t have been wrong to say it. Marc knew his behavior was hurting them both. He just hadn’t seen a way out. Story of his life, now that he thought about it. Backed into a corner. No way out. No way to ask for help, because there was no one to ask, or because asking would mean admitting that he was...broken. Unlovable.

But here was someone holding out a hand. Steven. Saving him again.

Marc flipped the pages. Steven had filled them with various bits of advice. Less exhausting times to go shopping. Earplug brands. All things Marc might not have thought to do—or allowed himself to do, because he didn’t want to attract attention to himself, because he couldn’t stand people looking at him like he was insane...

But when Steven said it, it felt like permission.

That’s it, really. We can chat if you have more questions. We love you. Laters!

And then, right under that:

He’s right.

Don’t kill yourself over all this.

-Jake

“...shit,” Marc muttered. That was unexpected.

For a long moment, he sat in silence, fingers tracing over the words. Eventually he got up and moved to the bathroom, and the mirror inside. It was a bit embarrassing, he’d never admit to it, but...if he rested his forehead against the mirror and closed his eyes, he could pretend. Just for a second.

“I’d hug you again if I could,” he muttered. “And you too, Jake, you asshole.”

It was the calmest he’d felt in months. Maybe not calm. Just…understood.

It felt good.

#moon knight #my writing #my fanfic #I'll link to part one in a reblog because I don't know who has and hasn't read it

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cruelsister-moved2 · 2 years

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tbhhh the op of this is kind of right dont get me wrong they went about it very poorly and very centred on their own view without considering the experiences of others so i completely understand where the criticism is coming from & also some of their reasoning is not great like i don’t believe ‘autistic people are EXTREMELY disconnected from the world around us’ or that not understanding NTs will turn you into a narcissist HOWEVER i do believe radicalisation and moral rigidity are for real things that affect autistic people disproportionately - not just alt-right, but any kind of extremism, religious fundamentalism, cults, etc. and also on a shallower level ive seen autistic ppl disproportionately swept up in like shipping discourse or whatever which does cause pretty serious negative impacts to their wellbeing (including like kids being groomed through it). i think there are people who KNOW to take advantage of vulnerable autistic people in this way and we should all be looking out for it and learn how to protect the more vulnerable members of our community. like i dont know if theyre trying to claim autistic n/zis shouldnt be held accountable or whatever and if they are then obviously thats insane, but when u follow the trials and start to see how many like extremist attackers are autistic you cant just turn away from that. from my perspective like addressing the vulnerability of autistic people to certain types of radicalisation could save the lives of their victims sooo i dont think we should avoid doing it... and i get its difficult bc u dont want to look like ur saying autistic ppl are more likely to do xyz bad thing, its just that autistic people (esp white men/boys) are especially vulnerable to online radicalisation and thats a fact... like obviously the goal is to have people who could never be convinced to harm other human beings, but if you have a certain number of those people in the population and its specifically autistic men who are being radicalised to act on it, thats a specific problem?? its not about the individuals, being like ‘oh this mass murderer is autistic so we should all forgive him’, its like on a systemic level lets acknowledge that autistic people are disproportionately vulnerable to radicalisation so we can address that and prevent it in the future... i also think, like i’ve talked about before, that the way society handles autistic boys is insanely toxic in a way that FREQUENTLY produces young men who are a danger to the people around them - NOT inherently bc of autism but bc of a particularly toxic form of male socialisation which we can literally prevent (particularly by increased visibility autistic women & autistics of colour bc just our existence is so combative to harmful stereotypes abt autism) so i think its important to include the gender & race elements when talking abt this kind of radicalisation, but i also think as the other side of that coin autistic women are more vulnerable to cult programming and other forms of radicalisation where the victim is you rather than others & op omitting that is frustrating and undermines their point but i think its super important to talk abt. does that make sense like ugh its hard to figure out how to summarise what im getting at but ive literally been noticing disproportionate numbers of autistic ppl involved in extremism and its like ok so is the correct response just to ignore that or

#and for real i mostly despise white autistic men #but its also like ok theres like clearly a failing here thats causing this problem for all of us #i genuinely think a lot of MRA types and the transmisandry truthers too are autistic #and its a type of moral rigidity coming from a place of like #inability to empathise + manipulation by others #and its like id be the first one to say i hate those guys im not saying we baby them and excuse them #im just saying maybe if we recognise this we can combat it #and there are a lot of types of radicalisation so..it is kind of something that affects everyone..

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chaoticpanenergy · 2 years

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Hi Peregrin!! I hope u have a wonderful day!!!!

Here r some fun questions:

1. Do u like sewing, knitting, or other kinds of craft stuff like needle felting etc?

2. Do u play video games? If so, which ones are ur favourites?

3. Are you working on any stories at the moment that u want to talk about?

storm i love you with my whole heart for that third question especially akhkjdgdhsf i have been. super busy lately, and i did not have the greatest weekend or last couple of days BUT starting at like 11pm last night i have been absolutely FANTASTIC so! it evens out i guess!

1) yes yes yes omg!!!! i love embroidery the most, ive been doing it since i was really little. and i have like. very basic knitting and sewing abilities, nothing fancy but certainly functional. i actually have never needle felted before tho!! i would love to try sometime.

2) i mostly do not—my parents didn’t allow them growing up, and now most of them just. are not fun for me because i don’t have the baseline experience needed to enjoy them lol. but i do like to get the free phone versions of certain games—i have the free phone app version of the sims and of animal crossing specifically, and tbh i suspect i like them more than i would like the normal versions of the game anyway XD

3) AAAAAAAA OKAY OKAY SO. first of all if d&d counts the campaign im in rn is SO delightful and good but i’ll probably just make a post rambling about that some other time.

i am also working on figuring out the plot for a new novel!! the main characters are brian (he/him) and xeno (they/them) and they are both aro (brian is aroace and xeno is non-SAM) and they are qpps, and they are both autistic and brian also has adhd, and they are very much the "sunshine character and grumpy character" dynamic trope (brian is sunshine and xeno is grumpy), and they just graduated college, where they were roommates for two years; xeno was an accounting major, and brian is a wizard.

brian’s whole family is magical and also super fucked up; their thing is like. they save the world from terrifying magical threats. but they don’t always win, so the strategy is just to have So Many kids that it’s okay when some people die because someone else can step in to save the day. so brian (who is the fourth out of nine kids, plus has tons of cousins) was raised with the mindset that his life didn’t really matter and that he was expendable; he fully expects to be dead before he reaches 30.

and while his family is mostly okay with queer stuff, brian coming out as aro was super rough, because he came out to give himself an “excuse” for being like “i am not comfortable with getting a life partner or having children, because that would mean i would be bringing people that i love into this family, which inherently puts their lives at risk, and i could not bear to do that.” (which. is not actually connected to his aromanticism at all, it’s bc of how his family is, hence coming out being an “excuse” for that so he wouldn’t have to admit the real reason.) so since then brian has been a tiny bit disowned bc the family has a HUGE expectation for everyone to get married and have kids ;-;

but then he met xeno!! and for a while they did not get along at all, because brian tends towards hyposensitivity and xeno tends towards hypersensitivity so their sensory needs often clashed, but then they figured it out and started to get super close and ultimately entered into a qpr. and for a little bit it was the happiest brian had ever been and he was able to just be himself without anyone expecting things from him. and it was so so good. i love them.

and then brian’s family shows up to bring him back into the fold. specifically, his older sister and brother, who are both. super manipulative and emotionally abusive. and brian goes along with it because like. he really doesn't see that there even could be a way out of his family's control or any other choice that he could make but to obey. so xeno, who is absolutely FURIOUS about all this, accompanies them on the magic adventure that brian's family summoned him for, even though xeno really dislikes magic generally and REALLY dislikes brian's family.

meanwhile brian's older sister has lowkey identified xeno as. a target. with the idea being that if she can convince xeno to take up magic and join the family, it will cement the family's control over brian through xeno. and she's definitely being super amatonormative about it too and refusing to acknowledge that their partnership is not at all like a typical romantic life partnership. xeno haaaates her.

so!! so ultimately the outward story is that there's a big old save-the-world magical adventure with wizards, and meanwhile the inward story is for brian about realizing that his family is super fucked up and abusive and he needs to leave, and for xeno i havren't talked about the stuff leading up to it much here but for them in addition to trying to help and support brian, there's going to be about a lot of personal growth stuff relating to how they distrust magic (which ultimately is going to be a symptom/metaphor/something for a lack of self trust) and learn to fully lean into their own power and own all the aspects of themself, and they'll wind up saving the day because they can provide an outside perspective when it seems like there's an either/or choice to be made with the magic stuff, and be like "actually there can be a third option because i said so, and im going to make that third option exist by incorporating my personal skills with what i've observed about magic to create it" and just. it's going to be so good. im hyped.

then for ts fics, there are several in the works but they are all big bang fics so i think i probably should not say super spoilers rn. but one of them is the logince fic i told you about ages ago that would take place in the same au as that anxceit oneshot i did, and im very excited for it, and the other two are both canonverse and super angsty with unhappy endings (one is abt the split and one is abt how virgil left the dark sides) and i am being so mean about it but also im having so much fun ahsdjklfhglsdg

OKAY THANK U FOR FUN QUESTIONS your turn now!!!!! <33

#star tag!!!!#peregrin answers #xeno and brian #peregrin said a thing

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