#just because you can’t see my pain

[thebitchbehindtheslaughter]

Man I’d probably love sports if my nerves weren’t little bitches 

Like damn, I remember playing and loving football. I love chasing black ‘n’ white balls across fields, but I couldn’t run for too long so I was made a goalie. I loved blocking shots and helping my team, but that actually hurt like hell so I couldn’t play anymore 

I’d probably love going hiking and climbing trees and not stopping every ten minutes during nature walks but man, do my nerves have issues 

I remember one time my eighth-grade teacher got all passive-aggressive with me when I had to stop football mid-season. Like damn bitch, sorry I was missing days of school after one game because everything hurt and I literally couldn’t move 

Anyway, my brain still tells me I’m lazy for not being able to go for jog, but external voices also telling me I’m lazy is definitely helping 

#man I love sarcasm #disabilities #chronic pains #just because you can’t see my pain #doesn’t mean it’s not fucking there #like excuse me for not rolling on the floor and crying and shitting #and instead calmly limping away #sorry I don’t participate in sports #I actually really like track and field day: #shotput #triple jump #100 metre dash #but I had to sit on a bench and watch everyone else have fun #y’all whispering about how I was “lazy” and “probably faking” totally made me feel better #(my frustrations aren’t aimed at you dear reader #(unless you were one of those kids/teachers #(then yes I do kinda want to drop kick you) #thanks for reading all these tags btw

[adriancatrin]

me: i want to draw something romantic

my braincell: sokka steals zukos NOODLES

#my art #i suck at coloring so i added the b&w too #i did Kind of try w the coloring tho #it’s just ugh #color shmolor #shadows shmadows #also why do reds not blend as well as other colors?? zukos clothes gave me pain #speaking of his clothes i put him in his ember island incognito fit because u can’t stop me #also also i kind of HATE drawing zuko where you can't see his scar?? it feels wrong somehow ugh #but this was the best layout i could think of so:( #if anyone wants to color it better somehow feel free lololol just source me ofc #for some reason my image description deleted and i can't get it back??? #gah i suck at tumblr now it's been too long #this is pens and copic markers on stone paper #zukka #sokka x zuko #sokka/zuko #fan art #atla

[tennessoui]

There are so many lines in the Hunger Games AU I love but also THIS TAG: he has to write the girl's name on his hand so he doesnt forget it If you ever expand this I will be sooooo excited. The tone and dark Anakin is just A+++

hunger games au anakin is like the most tunnel vision anakin ever he is like “you are not integral to my love story I don’t even know who you are” he kills like 10 people the first day he’s known as the Betrayer because he makes a bunch of Allies before going into the arena and kills them all

Some guy from district 1 captures the girl from anakin’s district and tries to use her as leverage like “if you take a step closer I’ll slit her throat you wouldn’t risk that would you? Not your love!”

and anakin probably like covered with the blood of other tributes is like (deadpan) “you kill her, you die” (telling a fact not dependent on the implied if but just a statement of events)

and the girl is like no don’t do it he won’t care (telling the truth)

But obviously the other guy has heard so much about their romance that he really thinks he has the upper hand and then anakin takes a step forward, and the guy solves a lot of anakins problems right then and there 😌

Especially when he dies and there’s only a few other players left in the game (you know, 2 days in)

#asks #hunger games au #also the scene where anakin asks obi-wan not to watch his games #and obi-wan is like I’m your mentor I have to watch #and anakin is like just remember everything I do I do for you #andobi-wan thinks the guilt may kill him when he’s watching #but he can’t help but feel happy that anakin is going to come back #because obiwan suffered ok anakin was supposed to be his nice thing #also lol imagine tue district 1 guy like just slightly cuts her throat #and anakin is like oh no my beloved don’t worry #i can’t see you in pain. mercy kill. #and the girl is like I’m fine! barely bleeding #and anakin is like 😌mercy 😌kill #obikin

[nuppu-nuppu]

Sorry for not making any art in a while I swear I’ve been trying but Idk if it’s artblock or something but it’s just not working out 😭

#also i’m going through the ect treatment which is like twice a week so I’m just not capable of drawing #because I’m just sleeping the pain away lol #i really wanna draw tho #but I’m going to my father’s place for Christmas #so I can’t make anything digital #but I did take my sketchbook with me #so we’ll see #<333333333 #i love you all

[a-walking-fandom-reference]

it can be really frustrating being a chronically ill person and living with an ableist non-chronically ill person when they have an injury or are sick because it’s hard to have sympathy and in turn compassion for them when they never seem to have the same for you

#is this word does this make sense #basically my mom’s leg has been bothering her this week and my dad has the flu or something idk #and it’s just like they see me and my sister as lazy because we are disabled but as soon as they have an issue we need to be there to help #them even though they don’t want to help us because if your in pain all the time shouldn’t you be used to it by now and you don’t #complain about it constantly so it can’t be that bad just deal with it #(even though i was taught early on to not voice my pain because it was annoying to my parents) #like for some reason they kinda still think it’s a choice but when they are ill it’s way worse because they didn’t choose this #idk it’s just FRUSTRATING #and my mom like doesn’t ask for help she just loudly complains and then is like why aren’t you helping me LIKE JUST ASK OMG #rey actually speaks

[robotic-maid]

How things are going again… update I guess? Still can’t figure out how to read more on mobile. I’m just typing this out so it can leave my head.

#nights are really hard for me #mornings are also really hard for me #I think my jobs burning me out #and I haven’t been able to sleep very well much at all #I’ve only been getting 3-5 hours if I’m lucky because my nightmares are really bad so I usually just stay awake #I mean I have to get up at 4am anyway so what’s the point #do you know how it feels to be in pain but you can’t cry because your body’s grown so used to it? #so it feels like crying because it’s Wednesday again #which I can’t justify because tommorrow is Thursday and that is your new normal #your new normal is working so hard you don’t have the time to see your dog and your cars ac is out and you spend all your money on the room #you sleep in 15 minutes away from the office you are stuck at more than 11hoirs a day #you ask your job to adjust your schedule and they say they can’t without cutting your hours and you need the money to survive #it’s too much #but feeling this way or not feeling this way won’t make a difference because the only other options will make your living situation harder #I’m so tired but I don’t have any better options right now so I have to keep waking up and working #I feel horrible spending time with me friends because I get tired after an hour and I worry that I’ve become #too flaky or something #I can’t stay up late and I’m already stressed out so I just can’t keep up with everyone and I don’t want to be a drain #I wish my heart would just stop some times #my meds stop me from hurting myself or crying or sleeping too long but these feelings always come to me when I wake up #I’m disappointed I woke up again #I don’t want to keep doing this I don’t know how long I can keep going #my body is breaking down like my car is breaking down #I don’t want to keep doing this I need more than a day off work a week I want to see my dog I don’t want to be poor but I don’t want to #wake up just to spend all day in an office getting yelled at while my coworkers come in and leave before me #I know I can do this I know I need to keep doing this I know there’s nothing better for me than this #I shouldn’t say these horrible things out loud because they’ll just wear me down faster #there’s nothing that will help me I need to help myself #this is en endurance test and I need to keep it up because if I fail I will lose so much more than I have #I wish I could cry I wish I could break down and scream but what would be the point? it won’t help it won’t fix anything m

[danielnelsen]

there’s so much i wanna do this week/month/etc but i’m just too sick, i have no energy, i can’t sleep, i’m constantly nauseous and headachey and on the verge of a migraine, i’m stressed and irritable and impatient and panicky…….how tf did i survive nearly 5 years of high school untreated if i can’t even manage this when i don’t have any major obligations rn

#at least i finally got my meds so hopefully i feel a little better soon #although i’m now on 20 pills per day which is Just Great #whenever i’m in remission it’s nice to just. forget sometimes that this can happen at any time #kinda wish i had the typical kinda chronic illness that people talk about with ‘flares’ #or at least triggers that i can plan around #the other times have all had an easily identifiable stressor tho tbf. idk what caused this one #the first time was whooping cough and the next few were all very major life stressors like my cat dying right after i started uni #and i think also towards the end of my honours thesis? #but this…….there’s no major stress right now. nothing wildly beyond normal #i’m a little concerned about my joints tho. they’ve been so much worse than normal the last few months #so i’m kinda worried i’m developing rheumatoid arthritis (also an autoimmune disease and it runs in the family specifically) #so if that’s happening then it could set my thyroid off? probably should get to the doctor at some point #obv i’m seeing my endo for thyroid stuff. but i should see my gp and get her to run all the autoimmune blood tests again #i’ve done that before but it’s been a few years and my ankles and knees are so painful i can’t even walk properly a lot of the time #BUT I JUST WANNA DO THINGS I ENJOY AND I CANT AND I WILL CONTINUE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT IT #‘oh you’re so lucky you don’t have as many obligations because you’re chronically ill’ ha ha ha please swap lives with me immediately #personal #but seriously. i wasn’t diagnosed until i was nearly 17 and we can trace it back to whooping cough when i was 12 #so it was the last half of year 6 and then all of years 7-10 and the start of year 11 of just being. uh. ‘very lazy and complaining a lot’ #and TEACHERS joking about me and my sister (who was dealing with an arguably more severe undiagnosed disease) missing so many classes #wow so funny pdhpe teacher who’s supposed to be teaching is about health #and the thing with being a mentally ill teenager is that hyperthyroidism can just look like a very severe anxiety disorder #so i didn’t go to the dr until i was too sick to go to school at all. and luckily had a good dr who did a blood test #i’m just rambling now because i can’t sleep and i don’t wanna lie here doing nothing #might go play pvz or something. that’s been keeping me entertained

[flowercrowngods]

Oh, I see. Crying throwing up. Crying throwing up while it's hot. Hot on my floor and time travel steve hurts. Hurts in the best way where you understand. Thank you for sharing him.

*screeching goblin noises*

#hhhhh he!!! he the boy!!! lost and alone and grieving and mourning and traumatised #barely able to breathe. barely able to see to hear to speak to be aware of his surroundings #because the human brain is not build to withstand this much pain without a break. the human brain is not made for time travel #it cannot even imagine death and the end of all things. how is it supposed to live through the end of all things twice?? #how is it supposed to prevent them?? he’s just a child. a boy. one look at him and maternal & paternal instincts go ham #we see it with joyce in chapter three we see it in hopper again and again. #the boy is so messed up the narrator needs to be unreliable #he’s. he can’t. he can’t look in the mirror anymore. he can’t talk anymore. he #god. yeah. uh. you’re welcome nonnie? 😂😭 i’m right there with you tho #not to be that person but like. i wrote this? these are my words?? damn 😭 etc etc #time travel au

[void-tiger]

What do I want? I want to be seen as a peer.

#tiger’s roar #mental health bullshit #…and I feel further away than ever with my damn disability that I got told was psychosomatic without directly saying those words #because unstable tendons that pop grind sproing every time I really do anything #can’t Possibly be painful #or WHY my muscletone and stamina is shit #oh noooo it MUST be all in my head nevermind I CAN’T TAKE SEROTONIN. every drug with it makes me suicidal or worse #…anyway. I will be stranded as soon as I move out to attend university #which is only possible with taking out yet more student debt #and keeping a credit load far higher than I could ever do (nevermind my physical disability) #to keep my scholarship. and then Hope I still get a Pell + misc school scholarships #but there’s No Way around I Won’t be able to cope with a job with 15 credits mentally even if I could physically #…yEAH I’m Terrified. and I’m sick to death of people telling me to NOT take out loans #when this is The Only Way to pay rent and tuition to Even Attend At All #…and ALL Of This ontop of… you want to spend time with me? NOW that you’re at the end of your master’s and I’ll be getting things in order? #Do You See Me As A Creative Peer Or Someone Who Could Be One #or am I just a Pretty Gurl Who’s A Poor Lost Waif Who Sings Pretty #…you never did tell me what you thought of my script’s draft #and have been suspiciously Silent about your own art #do you REALIZE that to do ANYTHING together…you’re gonna have to drive. and I don’t want to do anything that costs money #because 1) it feels unbalanced (regardless if it’s a date or simply hanging out. but your body language screams Date?? not Hangout) #and 2) …I’ll be needing to keep a fisthold control of my finances as it’s gonna be stuck as reimbursements + debt #I…cannot see how I can mentally or physically take on a job. nevermind nobody’s wanted me to work for them for anything not janitorial #…so…yeah. how the hell can I even feel like anyone’s peer #when I’ll be at least a decade older. mentally ill. disabled. and can’t work because of it #how am I supposed to feel like anything but a porceline doll with rotting rubber joint connections + glockinspeal

[sassmill]

I haven’t looked in on the unfinished side of our basement in a while and… my dad’s hoarding has actually gotten significantly worse. And we just heard from my grandfather last night that he’s pretty sure my grandmother is going to pass soon. And when that happens, my father’s hoarding is absolutely not going to get better. So. That’s a lot. I brought it up to my mom and she told ME to research psychiatrists that specialize in hoarding. It’s a very eldest daughter kind of day.

#it will be a relief when my grandmother passes mostly because it has been causing my grandfather so much pain to care for her like this #she’s been in decline since 2016 and has been in basically a vegetative state for the past 2 years #so we’ve already made our peace with that and started that grieving process #but I am the most worried for my father #he’s been in therapy for a couple of years #but he still doesn’t have many coping skills #his binge eating has gotten worse his hoarding has gotten worse #so we’re absolutely headed for a breakdown if intervention doesn’t happen NOW #and my mother has kind of resigned herself to it happening which means it’s all on me to make sure it doesn’t #because apparently I’m the only one in this house that actually gained coping skills #‘your parents trauma isn’t your responsibility’ i can hear my therapist saying #but Ashley I still have to live in their house so if I want to stay sane while living here #it has to be somebody’s responsibility #and like many times in my family history: nobody else is willing to do it so if I don’t do it it won’t get done #thank you for coming to my ted talk #taking a friend to see a movie later because his mother just had emergency spinal surgery and can’t walk #and she’ll be in a rehab facility for over a month #*heavy sigh* #eldest daughter syndrome

[toomuchdickfort]

Vent abt smth that gets on my Nerves

#tried bringing up to mom like. hey how could I bring up coming out to family. and she was like visibly uncomfortable so I was like dw I’m no #gonna like try to ruin Christmas with it or some shit I’m just. nervous u see. and I’m sat there anxiety rambling abt it because oh my god. #and she pulls out the fucking. ‘can’t you just be a person?’ mom I am a person already. the problem is. the PROBLEM IS. EVERYONE THINKS I AM #AND THUS TREATS ME AS A GIRL. like oh my god. #vent #it’s not a huge vent like if it comes up I’m not gonna Lie moms discomfort abt the matter be damned. #but like. ‘can’t you just be a person’ is what she says every fucking time it comes up. like mom. mother. mi madre. do you realize how much #of an insult that feels like when you say it EVERY TIME I bring up trans anxieties. or dysphoria. or any of the ways my transness affects my #life. like being trans doesn’t make me less of a person oh my god. but also frankly I don’t have the patience to be nice about getting into #things and I don’t have the heart to hurt her about it and even if I did have one of those I don’t have the patience to hold her hand #through all this shit. like I gave up having mom on this journey ages ago do you know how painful it is to un-give up on something that #immense. it’s hard and it hurts and it burns and it’s like. giving up to begin with didn’t hurt too bad- it’s cutting off the festering #wound. but. but then. you find out that. you can in fact work with that. and suddenly you have to try and clean the wound. care for it and #wrap it and do it all over again. and god it hurts. and. I’m not entirely sure I want to un-give up all the way on this? it’s. a lot #like I get and I appreciate that she’s trying to do. something. in theory at least. she avoids the subject when I bring it up and all but #cringed when I brought up coming out to her side of the family. she calls me my deadname and her daughter more than she did before she said #she would try. and I don’t have the energy to uncover that wound enough to start cleaning it. I’m just letting it sit there because frankly #it’ll be such a huge thing because it’s Always a huge thing when I don’t let the subject drop mega fast and I’m. I know she’s not gonna cut #me off for just being trans but GOD I want to keep ONE of my parents in my fucking life when I’m able to stand on my own two feet holy shit #and. man. it appears this is. still more of a thing than I thought it was. thats. annoying and inconvenient

[weardes]

#suburra #aureliano adami #spadino anacleti #my gifs #the way he immediately tries to stifle a sob when Spadino sits down beside him #holds his breath #and then exhales very slowly #with control #there’s so much pain and longing for comfort bottled up inside #pls let yourself go bby and cry into your boyfriend’s shoulder #you know you need it #also that’s probably a little weird but I just love how Aureliano SoUnDs in this episode? #all these scenes with Livia where he’s like a raw nerve #he breathes hard through his nose and huffs and cries and growls like a wounded animal #when he says ‘I’ve been many things to you but never a boss’ #so low and choked and resigned and just so so sad I can’t even *inhuman screeching* #when he sees the dead bodyguard and calls Livia’s name desperately #and his voice breaks because he’s so afraid he’s going to lose her again #when he cries over Livia’s body like a little boy #and then this scene on the beach #top quality sounds my man #i want to crawl into a hole and die

[seventh-district]

*puts a photo of me in between two random photos i took of the sky today, not because they go together whatsoever but simply so any poor soul that happens to scroll across this post won’t be jumpscared by one giant image of me taking up their entire dash* :)

also yes those are the Everything Stays shoes that i wear far too often and i thought about Moon and flustered my damn self when i was putting them on today and if you want to know why i thought of him specifically… well, you’re just gonna have to read Ch. 4 of ES when i post it on Thursday and you’ll find out 😊

#Seven.txt #my face #i love how i use the my face tag as my catch-all selfie tag and then. you can hardly even see my face in the pics #anyways. *wears my daycare fit to my root canal appointment bc i am a fucking clown for letting my tooth get this bad* 🙃 #also it’s just very comfortable and i like it. but yeah! 4th dentist appt. out of 7 is done and dusted!!! #yes it’s 7 now instead of 6 because of course it is. of course it is. #it’s fine tho. i think today was the worst of it and it was overall a very fine time! i once again had no need for the sickening amounts #of anxiety that kicked my ass for the last two days prior to the appointment. as soon as i got settled in the chair that weird haze #of Calm washed over me and everything went well! but does my anxiety care about that? does it learn? no! never! #so i’m sure i’ll be sick with fear again the next three times as well but oh well. what can i do but suffer thru it #anyways if u wanna know what burning trees smell like and hear a disconcerting sizzling noise coming from ur mouth just get a root canal #it’s fun it’s a really great sensory experience (/i am Lying it is Not a fun sensory experience. take care of ur teeth and avoid the pain) #it’s lighthearted though it’s really not That bad. like i could tolerate it totally fine but it’s also not. fun. it’s just. Unplesant #anyways on another note i think i’m developing a crush on my dentist’s assistant lmao #like not Really but like also that’s not a complete joke. like. do u ever meet someone and just feel like you’d be friends #like it’s not something you’ll ever act on but you can’t ignore the feeling regardless? #it’s wild bc they look So fucking similar to someone i used to have a brief weird thing going with #like they both have such distinct eyes/facial features that i’ve never really seen on a lot of other people #and they compliment my hair and i compliment their tattoos and they tell me about the latest movies they’ve watched while i’m laying there #in the dentist chair for 50 minutes waiting for the dentist to finish with an unexpected drop-in patient #and they open the blinds to see what the deal is with the screaming old people outside the windows and they crack jokes and ramble about #their travel plans and they struggle to mix the temporary filling paste into the right consistency and they apologize for their handwriting #on the appointment cards they give me and i tell them it’s good handwriting and i mean it and Oh No i’m romanticizing my dentist visits. #aren’t i. lmao ANYWAYS i’m that dumbass that falls for every single person that is ever nice to me at all ever it’s fine i’m normal #the dentist delay was nbd btw i’m one of those freaks that actually enjoys waiting and also it was a bit of an emergency #for this mennonite mom and her son with an abscessed tooth so like who could be mad abt that #i’m never making another afternoon appt. again tho cause holy shit they get busy. i was in the waiting room for 30mins alone #1hr appt. turned into a 2.5hr appt. :) but it’s fine i just read fanfic on my phone to pass the time. and you’d think it was a dca fic #based on my clothes but no it was BG3 Astarion x Reader Hurt/Comfort bc i’ve latched onto a new blorbo this week and can’t get enough #so i’m obsessed with this traumatized vampire elf now but that’s a story for a different post’s tags

[peapod20001]

I am the nail growth self saboteur!!

#random post #guess who rammed their hand in a wall and broke off the literal short nail on their hand?? this guyy #I’m prone to ramming parts of my body into things. it’s comical really #like a week ago I somehow bashed my hip into a drawer handle. because that’s how I roll 😎 #it hurt bad enough to shock me into silence </3 I got scraped bad enough for my parents to go ‘GASP. PEAA!!!! WHAT DID YOU DOOO???’ #read that in concerned parent voice if u would #it’s funny when I get hurt or do smth bad and I’m asked why I’d do that. like we both don’t know I function like a scarecrow brought to life #and learning to walk with no bones or muscles HHFSCREE #it’s fine now pain only hurts in like the first few moments and then it’s chill #got off topic there but anywayssss yea :> I’m just glad it was the one that was already broken an not a longer one #I’m surprisingly optimistic I’ll have u know. contrary to popular belief #adhd moment but do u ever think how we’re the first generation that will grow up and grow old on the internet? #do u ever think about what that’ll mean for us? or what it looks like? will there be a time when we just don’t log on ever again? #I also sometimes think of the internet graveyard. the millions of accounts that are no longer used either by choice or by some other #circumstance like passing away. I think we’ll only know when the future generations see a post by someone with a date 100 years in the past #these aren’t negative thought they’re just thoughts I have. a negative thought would be me wondering who will tell the world I’m gone so I’m #not waited on. obviously that’s not a problem I hate to worry about now but then intrusive thoughts do be intruding. anyways yea when I’m #gone at like. 80 (?) I’ll release my creations into the wild for people to do whatever with. it’ll be like an intrusive species lmfao my #impact on the world will be fucking up the online ecosystem forever #ok I’m done rambling now lol did you know I was holding a muffin while typing this entire thing? one handed I might add!! the chaos can’t #be contained no matter how much adderall u pump in me

[starpros-sunshine]

Guess what I’ve been doing for the last few hours.

#I WANNA DRAW MORE #but I can’t because I need to eat something #what is anatomy #i Love how you can just see my effort going down #but actually it went up #i did. the first two on one layer #and then the last one was the most tedious because the outfit #it is so cute but GOD IT IS S PAIN #well not really it’s alright but it is tedious #also I have never drawn Mika and it shows #why do you look like that sit why don’t you look like a crow picked up from a dumpster #he doesn’t look fucked up enough for my taste but I’ll take it #and then we have Kasa #i wanted to draft for my wonderland au and he’s the queen of hearts because it just fits #and now that I’m reading the book I’m honestly thinking about making Tori Alice because Tomoya is not that….silly is the wrong word #but Tori fit’s the part way better if we go by character similarity #and we could get homoerotic tension between Alice and the queen #though that’s not really a main thought #i wanted Sena as the mouse mecause Mouzumi #it’s like a side dish #a Bonus but irrelevant #and wataei hug<3333 #for the comforts <333 #again what is anatomy #eichi tenshouin #hibiki wataru #wataei #mika kagehira #tsukasa suou #my art