#just needed to get it out

[hoshiseon]

rant ig [talks of anxiety/depression]

i've been feelin so shitty lately like any minor social interaction has my stomach doing literal flips for hours afterwards. not to mention imposter syndrome hitting me everytime i'm around ppl my age.... this shit absolutely sucks. i feel like i don't belong anywhere, with anyone. and not in a "im so different no one understands me" way. i just feel like a fly on the wall in whatever room i'm in. like no one rly cares whether i'm there or not. i struggle with making friends i struggle with talking to ppl. i truly feel like smths wrong with me sometimes... i don't know

and the worst part is, i KNOW i need therapy but i literally cannot afford it

#🪐 — ki's yappin #definitely deleting this l8er #just needed to get it out

[justfriendsbestthings]

My cat does not have to go back to the vet this nightmare might be over now omg everybody cheer (until she develops a new thing for us to worry about)

🥳🥳🥳

#these past couple of weeks have been intense #not just because of the cat (but mostly because of her) #several other things also happened #sorry for venting #just needed to get it out #fingers crossed for a calm December 🤞🏻 #just mimi things

[altijd-november]

my parents are fine most of the time, there's a lot of things that could be better but they also could be so much worse

but sometimes im just genuinely wondering why the fuck someone would say something like that

take today, they didn't bother to ask me what time i'd be home but assumed itd be too late. so since my mum had something to do tonight they started dinner without me. i came home a lot earlier than they thought (the exact same time as every week) so I then had dinner alone while they sat at the table cause they fault bad for not waiting. my brother and mum were doing something on my mums phone and my dad was doing whatever on his own phone. i said somewhat jokingly "wow i feel so unloved right now" and my brother says completely serious sounding "you are". apparently that's a normal thing to say because my mum started laughing. i gave him a bit of a 'that's fucked up to say' look, which offended him somehow. my dad agreed that it was a bit weird to say but they brushed it off. then my mum said something else that was really fucking not okay to say that i wont bother repeating here, but i looked at her, rightfully upset in my opinion, and she just laughed again.

i think this might be the first time ever that my dad agreed with me on how upset i am/should be about something, but my mum and little brother just don't see how their words affect others, and if i say something about it I'm the one who's being rude, but if I don't say something but get upset I need to learn how to communicate my feelings. yet they wonder why i never tell them about anything important to me.

I'm so fucking done with family.

#sorry if you read all that #just needed to get it out #will probably not be online much till tomorrow but im safe and okay-ish

[galaxywhump]

going through it, venting in the tags

#idk the last few weeks have been so rough #i recognize it's mostly the shitty weather and general gloom making my depression worse #but that doesn't make it suck any less #it's been this constant onslaught of negative emotions #and even more negative thoughts #including very drastic ones #i'm behind on a lot of things but i can barely motivate myself to do anything at all #and i'm yelling here cause i don't have irl support and bottling all that up is horrible #so i don't know. if anyone has any advice or something that would be wonderful #but i'm not really expecting or demanding that #just needed to get it out #so thanks for sticking around #today's been a day filled with full-on sobbing and randomly tearing up #i'm gonna have one hell of a headache tomorrow #anyway #marti vents #venting #suicidal thoughts tw #just to be safe #mental illness tag

[granhairdo]

i seriously don’t understand why the fandom is starting to loop back to this idea of eponine being “morally grey” in the book. yes, she does do a few pretty bad things. but we do need to look into the the context of everything here.

she is very young, and in a really difficult situation. she isn’t in a good state mentally and is not fully capable of making rational decisions. nobody at that age is fully capable of making rational decisions! especially someone in such a vulnerable and desperate position! like at this point she’s operating on pure desperation and basic instincts.

while i do agree that she’s done bad things, i don’t think she should be labeled as a bad, or even “morally grey” person.

if anything, she contributes more goodness! you can really only name a couple bad things she does, while you can name at least 5 or 6 good things directly, and dozens indirectly.

i guess my point here is eponine is not in a state where she can make well thought out and smart decisions and shouldn’t be regarded as “morally grey” because of the few bad decisions she does make.

#les mis #sorry for this #just needed to get it out #eponine #dont get offended anyone please im just trying to voice my opinion here #if you disagree whatever

[ravynfyre]

“Sleep that knits up the raveled sleave of care, The death of each day's life, sore labor's bath, Balm of hurt minds, great nature's second course, Chief nourisher in life's feast.”

so, like, i am well aware that this is Not A Good Thing. but, true to the crux of the matter, i find that i am apathetic at best that i find no joy in much of anything right now. retail therapy is fun, but it's a crutch, and a pretty bad one at that... but everything else is very... meh. i'm not sleeping well. i'm on day... 10? 11? 15? of not being able to sleep until at least 3am or later, and it feels like each day it gets a little later than the day before. except for tonight, when it just completely went tits up and it's now 7am, with only about 45 minutes of sleep at 1am under my belt. (the first time in weeks that i crashed as soon as i went down... and it didn't even last an hour) when i try to sleep, i'm cold. i'm hot. i'm cold AND hot at the same fucking time. everything hurts, but it hurts in a way that seems... not significant enough to bother taking the advil and tylenol that are pretty much my only recourse for any levels of pain, due to being allergic to all but the most powerful narcotic analgesics, which no sane doctor would prescribe to me for my (life-altering but still somehow) "minor issues". reading fic is meh. writing fic is meh. drawing is meh. work is extra meh. youtube is meh. walking the pasture is meh. exercise is meh. even eating is meh, and i tend to self-medicate with carbs so that's especially concerning. except i don't care. the taste of water makes me feel sick, like a cannonball just wallowing in my gut. the only thing that does taste good, that quenches at all, is my one-mt.-dew-a-day, which i am cheating and having early in the hopes that the dose of caffeine will either spin me down enough to sleep, or spin me up enough to not feel so fucking exhausted. doesn't seem to be doing either just yet. i cuddle my dogs, which helps, but it's just... not enough, and even that becomes meh. not the dogs. i love my dogs. but the... activity, and the doggy expectation, and the way they worry for me. it feels like i'm failing somehow, and that makes even that failsafe meh. i am tired of getting snatches and snippets of songs stuck in my head so hard that i literally cannot get my brain to stop playing the same few bars over and over and over long enough for me to pass the fuck out. i just need some sleep, but i am so fucking tired of sleeping in until noon because i didn't manage to get TO sleep until, like, 4 am or later, and when i do sleep, waking up and just... not wanting to get up. not wanting to BE up. when i DO sleep, most of my dreams are nightmares, with the occasional night terror thrown in for shits and giggles. if it's not one of those, it's something so fucking random and weird that i find myself desperately trying to cling to sleep to finish the story out, because it's *interesting* in a way that nothing else has been for a while. there is so much work that needs to be done around my house and my farm, but i just don't have the energy or the give-a-shit to do it. i'm doing what needs to be done to keep everything else alive... but i... i just want to stop.

and i'd really like to get some sleep.

#mental health crap #UNgood mental health crap #meh #should probably ignore #just needed to get it out

[naralanis]

Been having some hard few (many) months when it comes to writing and finding any motivation whatsoever to do things for myself. I got to a point recently where I was debating just deleting all my WIPs because I got into a headspace where I just thought "what is the point, I'm never going to finish them, anyway, I never finish anything."

I was really, really close to not just erasing my WIPs, actually. I was considering deleting my entire AO3 account -- in fact, I logged on for the first time in quite a while to do just that yesterday. It hurts to see all those unfinished stories, those little red squares where I so, so want to see a green checkmark but I just can't seem to make it happen.

(Dramatic, I know. Bear with me through my little crisis.)

But logging on to AO3 led me to my long-forgotten inbox. I never really open it, I usually just read the comments as their notifications appear directly on my email. It's amazing to see all these comments, even on my unfinished stories -- especially on those stories. And IDK, man, I'm getting sentimental over fanfic, sue me. It was just. Nice. I read through all comments I've ever gotten, on all my works. Every single one. I got to remember all the fun I had writing, all the rage and excitement over cliffhangers, the unintelligible keyboard smashes, the shock and excitement over plot twists, the pterodactyl screeching over a drawn out slow burn, everything. And it was just. Nice. A little bittersweet, but mostly nice.

All that is to say, after that little (and frankly embarrassing) crisis, I sat down and was finally able to write a scene I've had in my head for years, all in one go. It's been so long since I've written something, anything just for fun I forgot what it felt like when I get into a groove and the words just. Flow.

Idk if I'll ever post that scene. Idk if I'll actually be able to finish what I want to finish, but I'm sure going to try. Reading back on those comments felt really cathartic, and I just want to say, to anyone who's ever read one of my stories, anyone who's ever left a comment: thank you. Truly, truly, thank you.

And no, my AO3 isn't going anywhere. I've decided to keep the sucker.

#nara rambles #might delete this later #just needed to get it out #anyway #back to our original programming shortly

[acen404]

Hope you all have a good day/night

#just needed to get it out

[theunstuffedpepper]

Still in bed this morning, my husband asks me if we (Pip and I) had a rough night last night. All three of us sleep in our bedroom together, Pip by my side of the bed in his bassinet. While my husband gets to try and ignore the baby fussing at night, I’m the one getting up with him to change him, feed him, or burp him, or when he otherwise needs something. While I know sometimes we wake him, I try to be as quiet as possible and often my husband snores through our entire nursing sessions overnight. Once last night I had to all but roll him back over because he starfished out while I was out of the bed.

So when he asks if we had a rough night, I reply actually no, the baby woke at his normal times - 1:45 and 4:00 - and I changed and nursed him both times and he fell right back asleep. No need for supplementing with a bottle, which was a nice feeling for me and also saved me some time overnight, allowing me a bit more sleep, I think.

I return the question, asking how he slept. “Not good. I don’t feel rested at all. I don’t know why,” he replies, as I’m nursing our son again. He says maybe it’s because he feels on high alert for the baby, and I assure him he doesn’t need to be.

This, I guess, is to say: women are incredible. Men could never, ever, ever do what we do.

#wee bit frustrating #then we get downstairs and he sees that I prepped the coffee last night #he pours the water into the machine #he makes himself a cup and sits on the couch while I’m still nursing pip #and doesn’t even offer me a cup #I mean #ladies #are we serious #but I digress - I will not be resentful #just needed to get it out

[kayfabeyuri]

what if you kept getting "randomly" selected into my wrestling gimmick and we were silent acquaintances who hung out backstage without doing anything but we both ended up right at each others doors if we needed someone and you grew more infatuated with me as i got comfortable and became affectionate and what if i got so pissed at everything in the industry and came to you to rant about it and got overwhelmed because youre the one damn good thing that happened to me by coming here and i angrily made out with you and then you held me for a while and the next morning i would be filled with so much dread that youd end up hating me and so much guilty that i did that in that moment because i really do love you and you are one of the few good things to happen and i didnt want to ruin our friendship and

#just needed to get it out

[lesbianbeliever]

There's been so many things going on in my life right now that it's been very hard to keep my head on straight. Things at work, things at home, everything. I've been dealing with the loss of my grandfather, the stress of being degraded and yelled at by customers (I work in retail) and even painful reminders about my biological father; who keeps making it clear that he never wants to see or talk to me again. (we haven't spoken in over 13 years, but there was a recent phone call with my mom where he said very terrible things about us. All over again.)

It's all been very overwhelming and very painful.

But deep inside me, I know I at least still have God. At least I'll never be truly alone as long as He's got me. Plus, I think this is a good time of year (Easter) to remember that. Look how much He loves us all...I'm trying very hard to keep my head above the water. I guess all I can do is talk with those I love and lean on Him when I need it most. All I can hope is that things ease up soon, even just a little bit.

#sorry for rambling #just needed to get it out

[starryrosebud]

One of my cats,Salem,used to be a street cat, he would climb everything and jump everywhere,when we take him from the streets he was already grown up after that we neutered him and he got really really fat.Anyway we moved to another house and the dumbass thought he could jump in neighbour house (completely abandoned) and come back as if he was the same skinny cat he was 3 years ago! It’s been 2 days and he doesn’t help because every time I jump the wall (yeah, it’s a crime but fuck off ,the man abandoned the house) he runaway 😢

#random #just needed to get it out #I am so tired #this cat only likes my mother and she physically can’t jump the fucking wall #personal

[we-all-needlove]

I feel like none of my friends really want to talk to me anymore so this rant post will happen to get it off my chest...

This has honestly been the longest and hardest mentally draining three weeks. I been working non stop and also had to make sure my sister was okay from her surgery. I love my sister and none of that was the problem, I just sometimes have no social capacity which stresses me out and make me think if I am being rude or disrespectful because of it. I have a hard time sleeping in other place and I didn't sleep in my bed for almost two weeks. I got sick and then worked non stop and then had my birthday off and ever since have been working.

I am just so exhausted. I have three more days left of my work shifts for my weekend and I feel like I am going insane. I haven't been able to see or be with the one person who makes me feel safe, who makes me feel happy because of these busy weeks and no access to vehicle.

#rant #personal #just needed to get it out

[tired-eyes-cold-as-ice]

I often think of myself as a willow.

The keeper of all secrets.

The one you can whisper to when there's nowhere else to turn.

The one that will gladly take on your burdens for you.

I often think of myself as a willow.

Sometimes I think that's all I am.

Sometimes I don't even feel like a person.

I don't think I'm much of a person anyway.

So I'll be a willow.

Bending under all the weight that is no longer weighing down on you.

I'll be a willow.

That's all you need anyway.

That's all I need to be.

#personal #what even is this #i dont know #just needed to get it out #is this poetry? #sure #who the fuck cares #im tired #ill be fine tomorrow #poetry #my poem #whatever i dont know

[vvitchy]

i don’t know why i’m so uncomfortable talking about my sexuality with irl people especially those i’ve known a long time. unless they’re also lgbt. but it just stresses me outttttttt idk i was talking to the mum of 2 of the kids i watch and she’s completely chill and we started talking about how to introduce lgbt subjects to kids/what her school aged child has learned in class etc. and i just could not share my own experiences with her like i kept talking about my friends who are lgbt but i never said anything regarding myself. i wish i could get over it. it’s not like most people don’t know it’s just that i CANT talk about it!!!!! but i don’t hide it like im always wearing rainbows and i don’t shave and i don’t enjoy being around men and most of my favourite characters are lesbians but it’s like they know if they say anything about it to me directly then i will explode

#to be clear i’m bi but i do not like men so people assume i’m a lesbian a lot of the time #if only they saw me on tumblr . com bloggin it up about jankles #anyways idk what the point of this was #just needed to get it out

[largesunglasses]

The other assistant manager and one of our part timers worked it out without me knowing or asking so I could get an extra day off this week. It was very nice of them. I had switched my days with the other asm so I had Sunday off instead of Tuesday and then they got me today off. My knee lump has gone down a bit and I've been icing and elevating all day. I miss the treadmill but know I have to let it rest and heal. I need to figure out meals for the next few days for work. I've been lazy about that and spending too much money.

#this was just a ramble #just needed to get it out