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missnmikaelson-main · 4 years

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National Anthem 2. June 4, 2020 - Part One

She clutched the yellow legal pad to her breast and leaned back, propping her heel on the wall. With her weight balanced on one leg in a state of semi relaxation she ignored the myriad of noises that filled campaign headquarters in favour of the small television mounted in the corner above. Someone had helpfully turned the volume up, but she still had to strain her ears.

And if anyone asked she was making mental notes for the follow up article. She was not under any circumstances listening to the rise and fall of his voice and thinking about the very fine figure he cut in his suit.

Nope.

That was not what was happening.

Notes would have sold that story better, not that there was a story to tell, but if anybody asked she could easily cite the clearly labeled folders on her laptop since driving Caroline crazy only ever extended to her desk and packing habits.

She could have recited his platform in her sleep.

And if she bit her lip it was because she wanted to commit the televised interview to memory. It was not because he liked to gesture with his hands and she couldn’t stop thinking about the way those long fingers liked to deliberately graze her palm at every turn.

Nope.

Her skin was not tingling with memory.

She was not subtly rubbing her thighs together because three nights ago they sat beside each other at a dinner where she gleefully let him tease her and ruin yet another pair of underwear. She was not imagining those hands stealing under her skirt.

And she was not conjuring up wild dreams of what they could do to each other if they ever managed to get a little privacy.

Okay…

Maybe she was thinking about that last one, but in her defence it had been three months. Three damn months had passed since she joined the campaign trail. Three months had trickled by with all the speed of poured molasses while they flirted, while they teased, while he strung her higher than a kite.

“Many comments are being made on your accent.”

She tuned into the onscreen interview again as they wound down and approached the human interest portion that the entire country denied they eagerly awaited, though as far as juicy gossip went this morsel wasn’t that good.

“I’ve heard a few of them,” Kol chuckled.

And damn that laugh did things to her.

“According to all of my sources you were born in Northern Virginia, contrary to some commenters suggestions that you were not.”

“I can guess where those rumours came from.”

Elena could guess too. There were some opponents who thought they could knock him out of the presidential race by insinuating he wasn’t actually American, and she knew precisely which one. She also knew that the one starting that rumour knew how false it was.

“… but I assure you, Mark, I’m as American as you.”

“Can I ask how you came by the accent?”

“It’s not much of a story,” Kol shrugged, smiling that damn adorable smile that made him look so much younger. “My parents wanted the best education for us…”

“More like wanted you out of the house,” Elena muttered so low nobody could hear. She was still upset with Mikael and Esther’s decision twenty years after they ripped apart her childhood friendship. Luckily she got to reconnect with Rebekah and after everything they were stronger than before, but there had been years where she missed the blonde like crazy and thought their letter correspondence wouldn’t sustain them.

“They sent my siblings and I to an elite boarding school in the United Kingdom when we were young. Each of us attended until graduation and all of my siblings with the exception of one of my older brothers caught the accent. Haven’t been able to shake it. We often joke about it actually. Elijah never lost his own accent, yet he spent more time in the UK than any of us.”

She tried to hear Kol’s signature ‘darling’ with a heavy southern drawl and giggled.

“Something funny Elena?”

Her eyes snapped to the campaign manager and she shook her head. “Nah Josh, I’m just imagining Kol with a Virginian accent.”

“As fun as that sounds,” he rolled his eyes, “don’t you have an article to write. I’m sure your publication isn’t paying you to stand around and watch the news.”

“It’s already written,” she waved one hand.

“Including the new information you just heard?”

“That’s hardly knew information,” Elena shrugged, straightening up. “The Mikaelson siblings attended Westminster School London and spent summers and holidays at the family mansion in Mystic Falls, Virginia. Before that they each attended Mystic Falls Elementary School.”

“That’s more information then the Senator has ever given,” his eyes narrowed.

“Yeah, well,” Elena tucked her hair behind her ear, “he also has never said he once set off a glitter bomb in his little sister’s bedroom during a slumber party and put frogs in his oldest brother’s cereal.” She had no issue telling the tales of his pranks to Josh. Outside of the polaroids she kept in a shoebox under her childhood bed there was no physical proof and even if the stories got out they would only serve to make him appear endearing.

And she did not think he was endearing.

Nope.

She was not still laughing about the things he used to do in the summers before growing up. She was not thinking about the time he dumped Klaus’ paints over Rebekah’s hair and looked at her when she tried not to laugh.

“Is he giving you exclusive interviews or something?” Josh’s brows rose.

Phantom hands grasped her hips as ghostly touches grazed the column of her throat. She would not label that an interview, no matter how telling it was.

“I’m from Mystic Falls,” she explained. “His sister is one of my best friends and technically I’ve known him since I was five.”

“I take it your editor didn’t know that.”

“Not the details,” Elena tilted her head. From the corner of her eye she saw the interview wrapping up and turned her head to catch the last question.

“Anyone new in your life?” The way the question was phrased made it very clear what was really being asked.

“I meet new people on a daily basis with the campaign trail, but I sense that’s not the question you’re asking.”

“You got me. There’s been a lot of curiosity lately.”

Lately was an understatement. People had been snooping around since his last long term relationship; not that Mary could really be considered long term.

“So anyone new?”

“No,” Kol’s eyes flickered beyond his interviewer and directly into the camera until she felt certain he knew he held her gaze, “there is nobody new.”

Elena ducked her head and stared at the empty legal pad, hoping her hair covered whatever blush stained her cheeks. “I should go get to work.”

She slipped into a dimly lit hallway and shut the door, leaning against it as she did. She had just managed to get her heart under control when a smooth voice interrupted what she had thought to be solitude.

“Do my eyes deceive me, or are we finally alone?”

Her skin tingled as he moved closer and stopped a few inches away. She felt his body heat before she looked up through her eyelashes.

“It’s the main hallway in a major campaign headquarters,” she whispered, and her fingers were not smoothing down his tie. “I wouldn’t count on being alone for long.”

“Oh,” he sighed, “so I don’t have enough time to wrap you around my body and have my wicked way with you.”

“Probably not,” she meant for her voice to be exasperated, but it may have come out breathless as she imagined digging her heels into lower back and her fingers into his perfectly styled hair.

She cleared her throat and found her voice - the one that wasn’t indicative of the hot mess he made of her insides.

“I would hate to be the one caught defiling the baby of the house.”

“I hate that that name stuck.” He groaned, chuckling as he covered her hip with his hand.

“That’s what you get for being the youngest member ever elected,” she teased, moving her hand to smooth a non-existent wrinkle from his suit.

“There are younger members than me now.” His gaze flickered between her laughing eyes and parted lips.

“Maybe,” she conceded, “but you’re the youngest ever, and it doesn’t help that you look young.”

“You’re not about to call me boyish are you?”

She shrugged, smiling from ear to ear. “You look it in every interview. Young,” she reached up, trailing a finger over his jaw, “fresh faced… boyish…”

“I assure you darling,” he caught her wrist, twisting it to press a hot kiss to the sensitive skin, “that there is nothing remotely ‘boyish’ about me.”

“Really?” She shivered, letting her legal pad fall. It hit the floor with a soft thud. “Cause I have this picture in my head of a scrawny kid switching out the sugar for salt and catching a picture of his big brother’s faces.”

“Scrawny?” He gasped, mock offence etched in every inch of his face.

“Thin arms,” she nodded, “bony knees, and hair that sticks up in every direction. And of course that constant smirk that said trouble. I’m sure you remember me just as fondly.”

“I see a little girl with perfect curls and huge brown eyes, somehow always looking like a doll. Until she fell in the mud, anyway. I don’t recall you ever being scrawny.”

“You were at an elite boarding school and missed that phase,” her eyes sparkled. “And I remember you pushing me in the mud.”

“Technically I pulled,” he tilted his head. “You pushed me.”

“You pushed Rebekah,” she smiled, “I had to avenge my friend. And you were really skinny, so easy to push.”

“I assure you darling,” his voice dropped half an octave as he pressed her palm to his abdomen, “there’s nothing scrawny about me now.”

And she did not bite her lip because she could feel those abs that were still oh so lickable.

“Shall I show you?” Amusement danced in his eyes.

“Here?” Her fingers hooked in his belt loops. “And have the future President arrested for public indecency? Press will have a field day.”

“Only if we get caught,” he breathed, catching her chin with his finger.

His nose brushed hers and it would have been nothing to close that last inch, but before she could a door clicked down the hall and they were forced to separate.

He cleared his throat when there was a respectable distance between them and caught her dark eyes. “I can’t believe you’d bring all that up.”

“That’s what happens when you surround yourself with not new people,” she winked, hurrying to walk around him.

++++

She hooked her right leg over her left after toeing off the heel. It wasn’t like the bottom of her shoes were filthy, but there was always the chance that enough dust had collected to leave a telling line, and she couldn’t have that. Physical evidence wasn’t the point of teasing.

“So Elena,” Josh caught her attention from across the table, “did you get your article finished?”

“Almost,” she smiled her sweetest smile. In that moment, at this dinner, Josh was her new best friend, even if he didn’t know it. The seat he had snagged was the one she normally took, and while her skin ached for the covert touches that left her panting and barely able to string a sentence together sitting across the table had its own unique advantages.

And he was about to experience first hand what he had spent three months putting her through.

“I’ve got a couple of things left to proofread and then it goes off to my editor,” she cut a small piece off her chicken and popped it in her mouth.

“And I suppose you threw a few of those other details in,” he grinned, taking a drink.

“Other details,” Kol cocked an eyebrow, “what sort of details?”

“The truly sordid ones,” she let her eyes flicker over his features.

“What did you tell him?” His eyes narrowed suspiciously.

“She might have mentioned a glitter bomb, and something about frogs,” Josh laughed. “You didn’t tell me you two knew each other.”

“Elena and I go way back,” Kol took a drink.

“We do,” she nodded, letting her toes make contact with his thigh. The response she got was priceless and as close to dropped composure as she would ever get in public, and she wanted to make his eyes pop open again. “Kol and I go all the way back to knobby knees and skinned elbows.”

He swallowed and caught her ankle, but her flexible toes curled and gently stroked his length.

“Knobby knees, huh?” Josh leaned an elbow on the table.

“I refuse to believe I ever had knobby knees,” Kol shook his head, a fond smile on his lips. He brought his hand up to the table and focused on cutting his food into bitesized pieces.

And if he held the knife a little tighter then strictly necessary nobody mentioned it.

Just like she didn’t mention how feeling him harden beneath her toes was having the same effect his hand had on her thigh.

“Deny all you like Mikaelson,” she bit the corner of her bottom lip, “but I’ve got pictures.”

“Let this be a lesson to you Josh,” his brow lowered as he caught Elena in his gaze, “never start a potentially life long friendship with a journalist.” He turned, giving his campaign manager a quick wink as he stage whispered. “They keep everything.”

“And twenty-eight years later write a tell-all detailing the time he pelted me with paint filled water balloons,” she raised her glass in salute.

“In defence,” he held out his hands, “the paint was water based and it was really hot that day.”

“I was wearing white,” she gasped with a dramatic little shriek. And no, she was not thinking about her retaliation and the way the coloured water had beaded on his bare chest. “Everybody could see through my sundress.”

“I replaced that dress…”

“Because Rebekah made you,” her eyes sparkled while her toes applied a light pressure to his length.

“And you were wearing a bathing suit underneath,” he leaned across the table, gesturing to her with his fork, “it’s not like anybody saw your underwear.”

“How old were you two when this happened?” Josh tilted his head.

“They had to have been kids,” Marcel joined in, grinning from ear to ear on Kol’s other side. “Must have been back when you had those knobby knees.”

“I don’t know,” Cami tilted her head, casting her eyes from Kol to Elena. “Water balloons sounds more like adolescent antics, maybe pre-adolescent.”

Dishes clinked as a busboy scurried behind them.

“Well,” Marcel prompted.

“Oh,” Elena tipped her head back in thought. It had been so long ago, but she distinctly remembered the warm tingling feeling that she had not gotten when he tore off his soaked t-shirt. “When was that?”

“It was after that year you shot up four inches and started dating that Salvatore,” he supplied, mouth twisting on the name.

“Right,” Elena nodded. “I was seventeen, and you were nineteen,” she levelled her fork in his direction and turned her head towards Cami. “I’m guessing that’s a little old to be pelting the baby sister and her besties with water balloons.”

“A little,” Cami laughed. “Tell me you at least gave as good as you got.”

“Oh, I gave,” she grinned, pressing down with her toes. His thigh clenched under her heel. “Rebekah, Caroline and I got hold of his ammunition and drenched him from head to toe,” she lifted her eyebrows. “Then he shoved Rebekah in the pool.”

“I was out of water balloons,” he shrugged.

Elena was pretty sure she saw his jaw pull with strain, so she eased the pressure and reigned it in to the lightest of touches that resulted in little more than a tickle; and dammit, if that tickle didn’t travel straight up her own leg.

“Water balloons, frogs, glitter…” Marcel tilted his head.

“Don’t forget the sugar/salt incident,” Elena chimed in.

“So, what I’m hearing,” Marcel leaned back and steepled his fingers, “ is that you were that kid.”

“What kid?” Kol’s brows lowered, but the smile stayed on his lips.

“A little shit,” Cami supplied, and from anyone else it probably would have come off as an insult but the psychologist said it with affection.

“I was not a little shit,” Kol scoffed.

“I’ve got a handful of people on speed dial who can confirm that you were,” Elena grinned, making to reach for her cell phone.

“Leave my siblings out of this,” he rolled his eyes, “and I’ll admit that I maybe, just maybe, I was that kid.”

“You were that kid,” she tilted her head, “and the only reason you wanna leave Rebekah out of it is because she’ll tell stories from boarding school that prove my point. Also I’ve got more than your siblings; Bonnie and Caroline would gladly take the stand.”

“How has none of what you know found its way to the masses?” Marcel shook his head.

“Because we’re friends,” Kol kept his eyes on Elena.

“Surprising after everything, that I assume is just the tip of the iceberg,” Cami waved a hand between them, “you did to her.”

“Like I said,” Elena smirked, “I always gave as good as I got. And it wasn’t all bad.”

“No?” Josh toyed with his water glass.

“Nah,” she nodded. “He did help me study for my SATs and stepped in when my escort pulled a disappearing act during the town pageant.”

“Did you win?” Marcel asked.

“My friend Caroline did,” Elena shook her head. “She was more qualified, though I think Kol’s abysmal dancing is what really knocked me out of the running.”

“Excuse me,” he scoffed, “I’m a wonderful dancer. And I think I excelled at the near touch,” his fingers traced the air just above her ankle, “and flirting with the eyes.”

“You sound like Mrs. Lockwood,” she laughed. “He also taught me how to cook a decent meal that wouldn’t give my boyfriend food poisoning.”

“If I’d known back then that it was for Salvatore,” his mouth twisted again, “I wouldn’t have bothered.”

“I take it you didn’t like this boyfriend,” Marcel caught the second grimace.

“Salvatore?” Cami mused. “Damon Salvatore? Your opponent?”

“Those two have been competing for years,” Elena took a drink of water, “but it was Damon’s younger brother Stefan.”

“Not that I liked Damon much either,” Kol swirled his drink in his glass. “He always looked at you in a way that I didn’t like.”

“You almost sound jealous,” Cami laughed.

“Damon was an ass,” Elena blinked slowly. Something had gone down between one of her best friends and Damon, and though Caroline never went into details about it she had gotten the sense that it was really bad. The second her friend told her she had broken things off with him and was happy she hadn’t been involved long enough to gain deep feelings. He was the definition of a two-faced politician and the basis for her rule.

She was pretty sure that rule was out the window; assuming it had even gone with her onto the bus.

“Speaking from experience?” Cami tilted her head.

“Two dates, and during each one he ordered for me,” her eyes narrowed at the memories. She had given him a second chance after the first date went badly, blaming it on what she thought were first date jitters, but after the second when she had opened up to Caroline and let the name, that her best friend confirmed was the ass from high school, out she stopped taking Damon’s calls. “Let me correct myself. Damon is an ass.”

“Bring it into the present tense,” Marcel nodded.

“Something about that guy’s face in interviews just makes me cringe,” Josh agreed.

“Might I suggest a toast to knocking him out of the race,” Elena raised her glass.

“I’ll drink to that,” Kol clinked glasses with her, holding her gaze over the crystal as everyone drank.

“Shouldn’t you actually knock him out of the race first?” Cami asked, reaching for her own glass and staring at the wine.

“Here’s to soon knocking him out of the race,” Elena amended.

Her abdomen clenched with the whispered promise in his eyes. She thought maybe, just maybe, her words referred to more than politics.

Dinner continued with a side of light teasing through dessert until she had to lower her foot and replace her shoe. She rose from the table in a single, fluid, motion with the rest of the party and had to bite her cheek to keep her smirk hidden when Kol remained in his seat.

“Are you coming, or spending the night at the restaurant?” Marcel cocked his head to the side.

“Just finishing my drink, mate.” The look he shot her promised torment as he reached for his glass.

“Looks more like you're nursing it,” Elena said, licking her bottom lip. She lifted her jacket from her chair and slipped it on.

“Well, darling, this bourbon is amazing,” he sipped the amber liquid and made a show of appreciating it. “Truly astounding.”

“Enjoy it then,” Josh rolled his eyes and laughed while gesturing towards Cami and Marcel, “we’ve got competitor speeches to go over.”

“And by that, he means that I do,” Cami winked at Elena. “Got to find their weak points.”

“So what do these two do?” Elena stage whispered, pointing rather obviously to the pair of them.

“Verbally insult the competition, drink expensive liquor and make my job ten times harder and infinitely more fun.” She shrugged her shoulders and smiled. “It’s not a bad way to spend a Thursday evening. You wanna join us?”

“While that sounds like it would be highly amusing, and the chance to insult Damon Salvatore with like minded people is always welcome, I’ve actually got a little work of my own to finish up.”

“Then perhaps you’d like to drive with me instead,” Kol suggested. He stood from the table and folded his jacket over his arm to hold in front of his body while everyone watched Elena for a reaction.

“You’re gonna go way out of your way to drop her off at her hotel?” Marcel tilted his head.

Elena smiled softly.

“Since we’ve been in Washington the last few days and we’ll be here for at least another week, Rebekah offered me her apartment so I didn’t have to stay in a hotel. And since I was getting really sick of take out I jumped at the chance to have a full kitchen again.”

“And it had absolutely nothing to do with the king size bed, rain shower and jacuzzi tub,” Kol cocked an eyebrow.

“I never denied the tub was a draw,” she bit her lip as she smiled. “That thing would fit three people in it and has this sort of waterfall feature,” she looked at Cami while waving her hand in a sweeping arc. “Plus Bekah’s got the most amazing selection of scented candles, bubble baths and epsom salts, plus wine that I am encouraged to drink.”

“Damn,” Cami breathed, casting her blue eyes to Kol. “Do you think I can stay at your sister’s place? It beats my airbnb.”

“And the hotel by a mile,” Elena nodded.

“You’d have to take that up with Rebekah,” he nodded to Cami, “and it’s not out of my way. It’s very much in my way.”

“Rebekah lives on the floor below him,” Elena explained, “at least when she’s in town.”

“In that case, I guess we’ll leave you in Kol’s capable hands,” Marcel clapped him on the shoulder.

Elena lifted her eyes to stare up at the chandelier and bit her lip. “I suppose that would save me the cab, or asking any of you to go out of your way.”

“Elena,” Kol offered his arm, nodding to the others as they said goodbye.

She tucked her hand into the crook of his elbow and set off through the restaurant at a sedentary walk. Ahead of them Marcel held open the door for Cami. Josh stepped out last and the three of them disappeared down the street.

They weren’t far behind them and Kol steered her to walk up the street.

“Where did you park?” She rubbed her fingers in tight circles, feeling the tension in his coiled muscles.

His only answer was to take a sharp step to the left. He pulled her with him, yanking her almost violently to his body as his mouth covered hers hungrily.

And if another option existed outside of submitting to the cruel ravishment of her mouth she didn’t see it. And quite frankly she wasn’t sure she would have taken it because the way his tongue dominated hers made her toes curl in her high heels.

Not that he was affecting her.

Nope.

And she wasn’t clinging to his shirt for dear life.

Through her jacket she felt the impact of stone and the scratch of brick snagging her hair. The kisses shifted from punishing to searching, and she moaned into his mouth.

He ground against her hip and it was not having an affect on her.

No siree, no affect whatsoever.

She was most definitely not aroused enough to be dripping.

At least that was the story if Rebekah got wind of the incident and asked. But when he kissed her she definitely kissed him back, if only to see what it was like.

Why had it taken them so long to kiss?

Of course that excuse only worked the first time. She couldn't rationalize or deny how she carded her fingers through his short hair and hooked her leg around his waist.

She gasped for air, letting it fill her burning lungs the moment he pushed her further into the wall.

She had a sinking suspicion she would merge with the building material if she didn't merge with him and merging with him sounded like more fun.

“Kol,” she panted, biting her bottom lip.

He bit her throat in response, and that did get a response she could never deny. Her throaty moan could not be written off.

There was also going to be a mark on her throat.

Thank God for Caroline's obsessive packing that resulted in half a dozen stylish scarves.

“Kol,” she whimpered, rolling her hips. His length pressed deliciously against her. “I should really get back.”

“That eager to get away?” He growled, and damn if it didn't make her want to rip off his pristine white shirt and use that freaking tie to shut him up for a while. On second thought she might need two; one for his mouth and one for his hands.

Then again, she could use his belt for his hands. Or his tie for his hands and her ruined panties to shut him up; he’d probably love knowing just what he did to her body.

“I've got some work to do,” she ground down. Her hand held the back of his neck as she breathed hotly against his ear. “I thought you could look over my article.”

“Is that what you want me to look over?” He nipped at her ear.

“Amongst other things.”

@kol-and-elena-fanfiction @elejahforever @elejah-wonderland @cry-btch @geekofmanyfandoms @morsmornte @xanderling @bellemorte180 @iw1shiknew @blndbandt

#kol mikaelson #Elena gilbert #kolena #marcel gerard #camille o'connell #josh rosza #the vampire diaries #the originals #national anthem fanfic

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tessatechaitea · 7 years

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Dark Days: The Forge #1

Sometimes when I see John Romita Jr. artwork, I think, "What did I ever have against Rob Liefeld?!"

Hawkman's final journal? Hooray! Go to hell, you stupid prick! And I thought these were going to be dark days!

Does anybody else find it weird that Carter Hall records his journal on Swiss cheese? Many years ago (I guess? There's no time stamp on the opening scene!), Carter Hall recorded the crashing of a spaceship on his lunch. But since he didn't know the word "spaceship," he wrote "sign written in metal." That will probably be important later but for now, it's time to move the story into the present. And where better to begin an adventure story than The Bermuda Triangle! Wait. I should rephrase that. "Where better to begin an adventure story in the 1970s than The Bermuda Triangle!" Oh boy! Eight year old me just came in his pants! I mean if that were possible. Nothing but pee would be coming out of there for at least another five years.

You know you can read and reread the data once you get somewhere safe? Or did you not save your data to the cloud? Idiot. You should use both terrestrial and cloud backups!

That scientist sounds like me in high school after first hearing Mr. Crowley: "There's something in the metal!" Batman rescues the scientist whose name is Dr. Madison (MADISOOOOOON!). Batman tells Dr. Madison that the only to safety is back through the volcano. Batman: "The only way out is in!" Dr. Madison: "Does that actually make sense? I don't think that makes sense." Batman: "If we don't go back through the lava, we'll be covered in lava!" Dr. Madison: "Do you ever listen to yourself speak?" Batman: "Outside will also have flying debris! Inside is just, um, you know! Liquid hotness!" Dr. Madison: "You mean lava?" Batman: "If you want to get technical about it! Now get in my Liquid Hotness Proof Bat-mech (trademark and action figure pending!), sit on my lap, and don't ask me if that's a bat-grapple in my pocket or if I'm happy to see you! I'm never happy!"

So they had to go back through the lava to get to the ocean? Batman does know Dr. Madison was standing in front of a window overlooking the water, right? How was just crashing through that not an option? Especially since Batman loves crashing through panes of glass!

Whenever an editor tells Scott Snyder to make something more exciting, he should just say, "Shut. Up!" Aquaman helps with the rescue and then he and Batman get into an argument about who's keeping bigger secrets. Batman probably wins that one because even if Aquaman had some really juicy secrets to tell, I'd never remain interested long enough to hear them. I'm already bored with this paragraph because I had to type "Aquaman" three times. Apparently the Blackhawks have some super secret covert black ops shit going on again. Remember how they returned in All Star Batman? Oh, you got tired of reading that series too? Well, believe me. They returned there. Meanwhile on Mogo, Cornelius the Guardian wants Hal to do something seedy to him.

"Don't tell Guy! I just got him to stop calling me gay!"

Oh sorry. His name is Ganthet. I must be thinking of Roddy McDowall's character from Scavenger Hunt. Speaking of Scavenger Hunt, I caught an episode of Family Ties the other day when some actor walked on and I was all, "Hey! That's short sleeves, checkered shirt, black sneakers!" Plus his son in the episode was Chunk from The Goonies. Should I mark irrelevant passages like these with asterisks?!

Ganthet having once asked Hal to jerk him off is now canon.

Once again, everybody in the universe is gossiping about how Earth is going to destroy the universe. If only the Justice League would stop saving it already! Just let somebody destroy Earth for the greater good, you hypocrites! Ganthet has pinpointed the threat to the universe in the Batcave so Hal Jordan decides to go invade it and not radio Batman saying, "Hey, buddy. I've got a possible issue that maybe you can help out with. Let's meet up in the Batcave." Instead he decides to sneak in and start going through Batman's things. I get it. It's the only way to ensure that a couple of heroes fight so all the fangenders can lose their shit over it. This part was probably Tynion's idea. "Hey! You know what I've read in comic books about five thousand times? That part where two heroes fight over a misunderstanding! Can we add that scene?!" And Scott Snyder snorts and wakes up and is all, "What? Whatever. Just write the script already! If I wanted to write it, I wouldn't have purchased you from your parents!" Anyway, Batman isn't home so Hal has to fight Meadowlark. You know, Not-Robin. Duke!

What is Duke reading to get his Green Lantern information? The Who's Who books from the mid-80s? That's where I get all of my information too!

Is Green Lantern just fucking with Duke or is there something about the yellow flaw that I don't know about? I thought it was completely gone. Is this Snyder and Tynion trying to backdoor the flaw back into the ring but only if the person using the ring is inexperienced and stupid? In the next panel, Hal Jordan says, "It's good to see Batman's still recruiting teenagers." Hey man. You better be careful with statements like that. At least he's not, you know, fucking them. Duke Thomas admits to not having a code name yet. That's adorable. All this fucking time and he still doesn't have one. Why can't Snyder just spit one out already? Waiting to find out his superhero name is like waiting for Sting to come in your mouth. Not that I'd know and not that it was the worst sixteen hours of my life. Meanwhile there's this place called The Campus underneath Philadelphia where The Immortal Men are headquartered. One of them is Immortal Man because of course it is. The other one is a guy in a robe with shaggy eyebrows that might be Carter Hall but I'm hoping is anybody else. Another one of their possible members would have been Elaine Thomas, Duke's mother. But she went crazy from Joker Toxin. They apparently know they need to save the world from something bad that's coming because it's always easier to tell a story about prophecy. It would be too hard to wedge these Immortal Men into the story if they didn't already know some huge Crisis was about to happen. So the guy in the robes isn't Hawkman because Hawkman gets the next scene. He's been having visions during the times between death and reincarnation. Whew! I thought he wouldn't have some secret inside information to get him right into this upcoming Crisis! In his vision, he sees a gigantic Batman statue with lots of people tied to its legs. I guess somebody is going to have to kill Batman before he becomes evil! After that scene, John Romita Jr. takes over on the art. I should probably snort some Ativan before continuing. Mister Terrific is helping Batman with the Mystery of the Dark Days. Hopefully they'll explain it in long, large word balloons that cover up most of the art. Something has been interfering with the harmonic frequencies of Earth-Main-Earth and Earth-2 (which I guess is back to its normal self? Or maybe Mister Terrific just got off before he wound up in that whole World's End mess? For some reason, I can't remember the story well enough to know if Mister Terrific was in any of it. Thank Jesus!) but neither Batman nor Mister Terrific know what's going on yet. To help them figure it out, Batman decides they must let Plastic Man out of his prison cell. They say they agreed to lock him up because he was too powerful but I think they just got sick of his stupid jokes. Back in the Batcave, Duke and Hal are investigating the Mystery of Batman Investigating the Mystery. It all started when somebody said, "That whole electrum in the tooth thing that resurrects the dead Talons is stupid! It's not scientific at all! Who comes up with such dumb shit?! DC Comics sucks!" Then Scott Snyder was all, "Wait! Wait! You haven't heard the whole tale of that! You shouldn't believe everything you see at first sight! You should wait for the second sight! Or maybe the third sight if everybody on Twitter complains about the second sight! But I don't think they will because this is going to be a huge Crisis! You'll love it!" So instead of electrum being in the teeth, Batman found a metal that shared the same energy signature as the helmet of fate, the quintdent of Aquaman, and the bracelets of Diana. To investigate this metallic mystery, Batman created a team that everybody forgot about. Everybody except me, of course!

Halo's costume is terrible. But Geoforce had better stay away from her anyway!

Duke has no idea who the wobbly speech bubble is. But that didn't stop him from saying, "Dick? Is that Dick? You know, Dick Grayson? Nightwing? Is that you?" So the metal is probably Nth Metal which would make it more believable that it was resurrecting the Talons. Because nobody is going to say, "Nth Metal can't do that!" I mean, they might. But they'd be wrong because Nth Metal isn't real and it can do whatever the fuck it needs to do when the writer needs it to do it. Although if it were Dionesium, nobody would say, "Dionesium can't do that!" Because that's exactly what it was made for! It's just that Nth Metal works better, plot-wise. Why would Aquaman's five-pronged trident have Dionesium in it? Deep in Batman's secret Batcave, Duke and Hal come to a door. Apparently the owner of the voice is behind it. I hope it's not The Joker. I hope it's Detective Chimp. I also hope it's revealed before this issue is over! Batman has also been keeping another secret in Superman's fortress. With the help of Mister Miracle, he unlocks the unopenable room it was stored in. It's a big yellow tower that Mister Miracle recognizes but I don't. Maybe it's Qwardian! It could also be something from Final Crisis which I've never read. Or something from an obscure 1967 Batman story. Or maybe it's something that, when it's explicitly named, I'll say, "Oh yeah. Fuck. I totally remember that thing now!" Anyway, I don't think it's important enough to reveal this issue. Because The Joker needs to be revealed in the Hal Jordan scene! Oh look! The Joker was the voice! What a surprise! Surprise! Are you surprised? Oh! You should also keep in mind how there were three Jokers, remember? That was a dumb bit that had to be thrown in so that Batman would say, "Impossible!", when he asked the Moebius Chair what the Joker's name was. Remember how that one guy on Tumblr got all pissy with me when I said they'd never reveal The Joker's name and how could I know that and I don't know what I'm talking about and all that shit? Fucking stupid kid. I didn't even get to say "I told you so!" to that kid when the reveal was that the Chair's answer was that there were three Jokers! Well, I'm doing it now! I fucking told you so, kid! So that's the end of Dark Days: The Forge! Maybe that thing Batman revealed was The Forge. I guess the next stop in this series is the event, Metal. It'll probably be about Dionesium and Nth Metal and how, when combined, everything is destroyed! What will this Crisis be called? Not just Crisis in Dark Days, right? How about Alchemical Crisis on Earths Starring Plastic Man?

#Dark Days #The Forge #DC Comics

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