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talesofanaudhdnothing · 9 months

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Introduction

Good morning, it’s 1pm.

I’m a vlogger at heart and hope to keep up with my channel but thought I would try another avenue of connecting? Anyways the point of that was to explain how I got so used to saying good morning to my camera that I would accidently do it at 4 or 5 pm on my way home from work in the video diaries I would make (not even to upload, I just like to talk but only to myself). Eventually I just started to do it on purpose and while i’m sure no one actually cares, I personally find it hilarious so I have claimed it as my thing.

I’m Bee and this is my blog! Could I tell you what I’ll be posting here? No. Basically, this is just a void for me to shout into just like my youtube channel. I like to think I can offer a pretty realistic and relatable perspective on life and that’s why I like to share. Because I like to consume content I can relate to, and I want to be that content for other people. I crave connection into the world I feel like an alien to. I have autism 🎉 !!! I’m not sure if it’s related but honestly, it checks. Before we go any further let me give you the alphabet soup recipe:

Level 1 ASD

Combined ADHD

Generalized anxiety

depression

And probaby cptsd, arfid, dyscalclia ????

Aaaand as of now that’s it but give me another month or so of introspection and observation and i’ll get back to you. It’s weird taking a piece of yourself and focusing so hard to figure out what it is like that. Things I thought were just normal, aren’t. Everyone isn’t having the same thoughts and feelings and emotions as I am. Everyone is not having as tough of a time as me. I’m also hyper-independent… for some reason so that doesn’t really help with ever asking for the support I need. Weird, right?

I was officially DX with audhd on april 4th, 2023 through some place online that I still kinda squint my eyes at. But I got my silly little paper that says i’m autistic so that’s really all I needed. And tbh I could have paid for and had the best ASD evaluator in the world and I’d still be like “ ok but like..are you positive bc?”. Not because I don’t want to be autistic, god no. I was RELIEVED to discover I might be autistic. And I totally respect everyones feelings and they are very valid but I never understood being upset. To me; If you are autistic, you’ve BEEN autistic. Having the words to it isn’t going to make it worse. It doesn’t give you autism to say you’re autistic. But what it does is validate that you aren’t crazy or weird or just an outsider. You aren’t alone and now you know how to help yourself. Why would I be upset to learn that the reason I get so irrationally angry and deeply terrified when someone revs their motor is because I’m autistic and I’m not just being dramatic???

Maybe I just guessed all the right answers. I don’t do XYZ or experience XYZ like other people who are autistic so maybe I’m really not and i’ just weird and destined to never fit anywhere. What if I’m just faking symptoms (not for attention because I keep it private because I’m embarrassed).

But I know it has to be true, deep down and it always has been and always will be. And I just want to share my experiences and my knowledge. I want to help other audhd people like me. So I want to start this blog to talk about myself; Share my experiences, pass along my knowledge, and share the good and the bad. I want people to better understand us because I know I feel chronically misunderstood. And I just wanna have fun man. I have a lot to say when it’s on my terms and I want to say it!

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soulhum · 1 year

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The Girl That Never Got to Be Wednesday

I'm sobbing, 12:43am...I need sleep. Lord knows my chronically ill body needs the rest but I'm restless and scrolling through social media only to see the last pebble, needed to crack my damn of grief, drop into place. A beautiful boy, elegantly dressed in an all black gown, relaxing his face, gazing with unblinking eyes as he pays respects to Jenna Ortega's remarkably choreographed dance as Wednesday Addams. Tears had enough of my stubbornness...inattentiveness to them, so they rolled and dragged along clarity.

For the last 48 hours, at least, I've been watching the internet aflame with videos of people dancing as Wednesday, a character that is so heavily autistic-coded even my high masking, late-diagnosed, self could feel it immediately. In these videos, so many interpretations, with each one thousands of people responding with celebration of the beauty within all the Wednesday-ness. Don't get me wrong, I'm aware there's many factors at play for this show, and that scene of her dancing, being celebrated this loudly. It's shot pristinely. The cinematography of that scene, the lighting, the editing being just enough to keep our eyes on her and feel like we're in the room. It's coming to me now how even that was guided by an autistic hand, Tim Burton's, framing this gem with a resonating eye. Then at centerstage - is Wednesday in all her blatant autistic being...mesmerizing us. The beauty of her oddity, palpable. Now the internet is on fire, millions inspired by her. Thousands swaying as she did, gazing as she had, calling it wonderful and that breaks my heart... It was never safe for me to be like Wednesday, but at my core, in my most unmasked state, I am so viscerally like her. There are some differences. My cocktail of neurodivergence is precisely that, a blend. I also have ADHD. My visual fixations lean more towards prints and color. Black is more of an accent color to me or an occasional statement piece (a lá little black dress). My special interests don't include death, torture, or any of their friends. I could go on, in very overly detailed autistic fashion, but as an ADHD'er I will spare you. My point is, there's a substantial portion of her ways of being that I am like, but had to hide for survival. Depending which -isms were at play, who I am got various names: Cold/Coldhearted. Robot. Manly. Man-eater. Rude. Stuck-up. Know it all. Difficult. Selfish. Did I mention cold? That was a big one.

My Blackness. My Woman or Girl-ness. My ever-hyper-sexualized Latina-ness. My introverted-ness. My undiagnosed and therefore unaccommodated yet still very neurodivergent-ness. My child of an immigrant-ness. My surviving violence at home-ness. Fragments of my story all bobbed and weaved together into an easily found target on my back. There was no more room for difference from me. I was already too far removed from our society's most protected center-- white,rich,male. Behaving as my fullest self, autistic-ADHD flare and all, meant one more step out of line. I did just that for quite some time, but I learned to stop young enough that I now live with the health consequences of longterm high-masking. None of my other qualities were editable. The presentation of my neurodivergence was. So my inner "Wednesday" took one for the team. There's flickers of my core still. There's pieces of me I never hushed or fully hid, but I wish she-- I was all here....Wish I didn’t have to dig myself back up. I wonder how I would have evolved, how much physically healthier I'd be, how much lighter I'd feel, had this world been safe enough for me to be my own complex, mesmerizing, oddity as this fictional world shapes up to be for our beloved Wednesday Addams. I wish more people were kind and accepting, let alone celebratory, of autistic people off-screen who don't dance to pleasantry demands, who look intently, who care deeply but express it in varying ways. I wish endlessly... as I hold in my body the ramifications of vicious social realities, and watch the world cheer on a girl who embodies the most rejected parts of myself.

#WednesdayAddams #Autism #Autizzy #Wednesday #AuDHD #lateDx #lateDiagnosis #unmasking #grief #mentalhealth #healing #amwriting #insomnia

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annemarieprice · 1 year

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Home stretch. I went and grouted the hair with white grout at this point so it would dry and set before I do the rest in black grout when I’m finished with the rest of the background. I’m using @mapeiusa Flexcolor CQ so I can do these two grout colors easily this way. (Colors won’t bleed.) My intent with this piece is showing the good and bad of being able to hear things so intensely as an autistic person. My choice in andamento on each side as well colors help explain this to a certain degree. It’s always much more complex for each autistic individual. It can be a truly wonderful and enjoyable thing to hear so intensely and a very hard and painful/unsettling feeling kind of thing. Sound level can be an equation but also not be. (Just a very small example is I love loud music..concerts..the sound of jets..it gives me wonderful chills and I feel alive and focused..but a loud motorcycle or quiet tapping or beeping sound can overwhelm me and make me not be able to focus and can actually feel painful to me. The sound of ocean waves seem to be the most calming sound to me. This explains why I feel so content on a beach and focused.) **Note…These things are what I personally feel. Everyone is different or somewhat similar in what they feel. #mosaic #art #annemarieprice #actuallyautistic #stainedglass #sound #sensitivities #sensory #autism #auditory #hyperacusis #mosaicart #talkaboutit #saywhatyoufeel #lateDX https://www.instagram.com/p/CljZ7ZQpHgL/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

#mosaic #art #annemarieprice #actuallyautistic #stainedglass #sound #sensitivities #sensory #autism #auditory #hyperacusis #mosaicart #talkaboutit #saywhatyoufeel #latedx

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