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imamess1307 · 9 months

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Ooh, Better Than Me?

Chris Knight x Tutor Reader (Afab)

Summary: Chris, during his senior burnout, has found himself struggling with English classes. so you get assigned to be his tutor to help him pass exams. Chris soon realized you have a higher IQ than him, and it makes him very perplexed to the idea of someone being smarter than him.

Warnings: obsessed Chris, smart reader, touchy Chris, use of Y/N, smut at end, dirty jokes, probably penis jokes, smut with plot, infatuation, slight rivalry, nonchalant reader, Kent. Sorry if forgot anything

First fanfic. (Please be nice I’m autistic and sensitive) (I also have a tendency to take people’s knee caps if they’re mean)

I started my day normally like I usually do. I walk out of my house and start biking over to Pacific Tech. I see the most stereotypical people walking around. Most with books and others with inventions they have made.

Usually I don’t have any classes today but under recent circumstances my English teacher wanted to see me. I knew you weren’t in trouble or failing because I actually liked her class. One could say that one of my beige flags is that if I don’t like it, I don’t care. Truth be told, people were right about the senior burn out theory.

I used to be eager and so ready to take in any knowledge I could, but now I just don’t care unless it’s something that truly interests me. Which recently has been English and Chemistry. I was awfully good at those topics naturally and it has surprised my teachers on multiple occasions.

The sun shines through my hair as I walked around the campus to get to my English class. I stroll along happily until a guy with crazy blonde hair bumped into me while running.

“Sorry! I’ll buy you a car! I don’t have it right now but I promise!” The blonde yelled as he ran down the corridor. My brows furrow in confusion but I continue to walk to my English class.

I arrive at my English Class and I quietly walk in. I see my teacher, Ms. Jen, sitting at the desk in the front of the room and I walk down the aisles to get to her desk. The middle aged woman, who was in her mid 30s at most, smiled as she saw me and she greets me with a soft handshake.

“Hello Y/N. I’m glad to see you could make it,” she said with a kind smile on her face. I softly smile back at her and sit down as she motions for me to do. “I had nothing going on so I decided to stop by,” I said. “I’m glad you could. I wanted to talk to you about something important.” I look at her curiously and she opens her mouth to continue.

“There is a student who needs some help and you have almost perfect scores in my class, so I was wondering if you could tutor him.” I looked at her slightly shocked and then nod my head before opening my mouth to speak. “Yeah… I could do that” Ms. Jen smiled kindly and immediately took my hand into hers gently. “Thank you. You’re a very kind soul.” I smile at her words and pull out a pen before writing my contact on a small piece of paper.

“You can give him my contact and I’ll start tutoring him” I smile slightly and she nods her head in acknowledgment. “Thank you once again.” She smiled up at me as I stood from the seat. “Of course”

After we bid goodbyes I start walking out of the campus and back to my bike. I slowly bike home not being in a rush and when I get home I put my back pack in the hook by the door and start walking up the stairs to my bedroom.

I immediately flip into my bed and sigh happily just feeling joy from being at home. I groan as I hear the phone go off beside my bed and I pick it up.

“Hello?” I ask blankly. “Hi is this my new tutor?” The guys voice is cheerful and almost sultry like. “Uh… yeah it is.”

“Great. So when can we start? Just asking because I need to start passing as soon as I can” I smile over the phone as his voice sounds funny and humorous. “We can start tonight. I live in the white house on Ivy Blvd.” my voice is blank and quiet as I talk. “Alright what time?” He ask with a more normal tone. “Anytime is fine. My dad doesn’t get home till 6 so whenever is fine.” I smile slightly and I can here him start to shuffle around over the phone. “On the way.” I hear the sound of him hanging up and my eyes start to widen softly as I get out of my bed and start to tidy up my room and making sure there are no straggling articles of clothing like bras randomly stranded around.

I head down the stairs and smooth out my grey sweater before sitting on the couch with a magazine. I smooth out my hair and hum to myself as I read the magazine and kick my feet up on the couch. After a good bit I hear my doorbell ring and I get up to go answer it. I smooth my hair and sweater before opening the door with a blank expression.

I open the door and see the blonde guy that ran into me earlier. I raise my eyebrow and the open my door for him to come in. “You’re my tutor right?” He asks with a crazy smile. “Mhm. Let me get my bag and we can go upstairs.” I grab my back and start walking up the stairs with Chris behind me.

“You have a nice house,” he said while looking around and smoothing his hair a bit. “Thanks” I open my door and allow him to go inside. I grab a few pens and a couple of highlighters from my desk and sit on my bed. Taking in his personality, this is going to be a crazy few weeks before finals.

#chris knight x reader #chris knight #val kilmer #real genius 1985 #real genius

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bigmafluff · 3 years

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Unreal Love Story “Henry Cavill” chapters 1-3

Sequel To My Story “Tom Hiddleston”

Summery

“ Tom Dear ! She is gone!” His mother says when her son barges thru her front door. Diana Hands a sobbing Charlie to His Stunned father Leading them into the house to a computer sitting @ her kitchen table with a flash drive in it. Just as Tom is about to say something . His Mom hush's them both and starts the video. I start with calming Charlie through the computer. “ Hello Little one . I'm am sorry I have to leave you so. But You are a strong young man . Sometimes even stronger than your father at times. Just know that I love you dear one and will always be your special friend . Now dry those tears and Go see Nanna . So Your dad and I can talk.” I said to Charlie thru the computer. Tom Knew after that our relationship was over maybe had been over for a while.

Chapter 1

Numbness,& NASCAR

I couldn't Stay in London. It hurt too much all I saw was pain. I couldn't go home yet still felt like I failed myself some how so home wouldn't work. So I numbed myself out in Cali. I did what I swore I wouldn't. I went full Party Girl. Between the parties ,clubs, Bars I was wasted most of the time. But I knew that being In Love Like this before then Losing love has it's down side . Tom and I had been it for 3 years. But towards the end I was more His son's nanny than his girlfriend . Most of his friends warned me this was one sided . He never got over Sophia Di Marino ,Charlie's Mom. The split was Mutual. I'm Not mad to be truthful. Annoyed really that I let it go on this long ..

So California I went , to numb the hurt. I don't give a rat's ass what they say about better to have Loved crap ! It still hurt's dammit! So Party Shannon I became. I still wrote my stories without impairment. By day I was the mildly hungover writer coffee in hand . Luca was still Daydreaming so I was still writing. But @ night Let's just say in the great words of Bill & Ted .” Party on Dudes” So I did. Shaking my ass Beer in hand in a club in south beach ! Rockin' out to Pink. I am vaguely aware I am Jamming with a rather large Englishmen Go Figure ! He has a familiar tone I can't place ,frankly all I see is curls ,beard & muscle , Cause I'm too drunk and don't care but he was hot and can grind Like no other. But even though I was no lady ,he was a gentleman And at the end of the night I was in my Hotel room clothes and dignity intact.

Woke the next morning with another hangover that I never use to get when I was younger. They still Suck! UGH! I'm about to start typing when I get a feed from TMZ. “TWH PROPOSES TO SDM!” I switch on my TV and sure enough The rock on her finger is massive and Charlie Looks so Happy . The numbness lifts along with the pain . I can see the sun again so I finally pack my stuff .

But not for England . I head home. I decide I need time with my son . So Arkansas, Hot Springs that is. Although when I get there I find out my son is in Florida . In Daytona Beach. At the Racetrack! My nephew Christian and his wife Kiki took Lucas to a NASCAR race and Somehow Lucas Landed a job as head mechanic for Carlos Contreras's race team. Shocked as I was, I get on a flight to Florida it is a good shocked but WOW. I got a Hotel room and then went to the track . Took me a little convincing to get in . Security walked me to the Pit where I found my baby boy covered in grease. Under a car . When Lucas jumped up and hugged me they left us alone . test moment's in a parent's life is seeing your child seceded at something he loves. This was Lucas's dream !Like writing is for me. It was his turn. Lucas Introduced me to Carlos with sparkles in his eyes . Carlos seemed to Like what My Son does. Even tells me that Because of my Boy, Carlos has won 8 races. How more proud can I get I am in tears. While I was here I went to a few races and Lucas and I raided the theme parks. Then one night Lucas had a grown up moment and told me I had to go back to the U.K.. He said I write my best stuff there and I need to make peace with Myself. How did my Autistic Son get so smart. Then he tells me. He is a big Guy now and He didn't need his Mom to hover.

Chapter 2

Something New

So once I'm back in London. I dust off My flat that Luke made sure I got despite me moving in with Tom. Besides writing, a few friend's gave me the intro to the London night life and I found a outlet to unwind . But I didn't drown myself like in Cali. But I still maintained my Party Mama status. Also I am exercising regularly, to compensate for the Night life . But I found that I have way's now that I am Back to make exercising fun. I do the Gym of course. But I also like rollerskating in Hyde or St. James park, when it's sunny. I found a Ice Skating rink that is 7 day's a week. And there is a indoor pool at the Gym I go to. .

But I realized some things while I was home in the states. I can't ever forget where I came from . So I pay it forward to 4 special organizations for charity and I never write them off my taxes . I went back to church I actually found a Nazarene church in the U.K. Honestly Church is what keeps me semi sober in the clubs on Friday and Saturday. No hangovers in Gods house .So I have been busy. By maintaining the order of my life like I did way before when My soul purpose was being a MOM. God, Family Friends career is a new addition but not that high on the list.

I found a way to keep myself going .My heart has even healed to a point and I am actually making good friends with “ The Hiddleston “ I can't even comprehend The fact that Sophia took Tom's name . I didn't think her agent's would let her do that. Any how I Am officially Aunty Shannon to Charlie and he even still talks to Lucas and they talk cars regularly according to Tom. As for right now though I'm actually doing more than writing I am at The Harold Pinter theater in London as a Producer and assistant to Kenneth Branaugh the director of a play Based on one of my fan fiction stories . It's a Vampire Love story with a family twist. No Not Twilight no blood sucking fairies here. But what has me excited is the cast . Tom is in it along a whole bunch of my fave idol's Including Henry Cavill as the male lead. . OK! I fibbed Kenny doesn't need me the whole time so I am writing when I am not teaching Charlie Who is acting for the first time. Tom is One Proud Papa! I will tell you what. And Charlie Looks like he is having a wonderful time despite playing a Girl demon!

also I do have a little Mystery of my own I am trying to solve. Every morning when I get to work. Yes I'm getting paid for this production. I go to my seat and drink my coffee but I find a different colored long stem lily in the seat . I asked Tom. If Charlie was doing it and I even ask Ken. None said It was them. Both even offered to investigate with me . Saying they have a little experience because they played P.I.'s

I was actually flattered I had an admirer. I just hope I won't regret taking the Lily more seriously. Anyway The play is gearing up for opening night I called Lucas's aide Reed to Se if He will be able to be in London for my Play . Which If it does well it will head to the States and go on Broadway. Now tell me if that ain't totally awesome. I.K.R. We as far as my Book's are concerned Luca start's Middle School. So Social interaction and puberty mixes in with his amazing world which should make for a wild ride for our readers. My honorary nephew is even reading them which make's my heart sing Oh! So I don't leave it out my lily was Aquamarine and silk today not real but it had a pink bow and it sparkled . He-he! Who ever this is knows I like things that sparkle. It makes me giddy.

Opening Night!!!!

My Lucas is here . Looking Just Like he did Prom Night When he took my god daughter to the prom. My boy is So handsome. Lucas has been working out so My lucas is Tall and Jacked thanks to His Buddy Phillip Hull. We get to ride in a Limo It will be Lucas's first time in one. Me! I'm In all Red Long red hair with a touch of gray at the temple and proud of it. A Long Jessica rabbit dress that sparkles in the light. Red flat's I ain't that crazy . It's gonna be a long night and I am in my 50's Heels are not in the program. I had red cloves and a red silk Shaw. I felt amazing and all my boy could say is Wow mama Look Pretty! LOL! I am also excited not only for the play but according to the Little note I got with My Red Rose that was sitting in my seat on the last day of practice. I get to meet my admirer tonight too

So Lucas and I are off Lucas is Like a school boy Looking around and he is also a little nervous. I can tell he Keeps Playing with his collar and tie. I made sure Luke had a pair of ear buds and his fave music in a MP3. And sunglasses to help with Lucas's experience. Plus so he doesn't have to deal with the red carpet stuff Reed is here so Lucas will be with me only for a few pictures then Reed will take him inside while I deal with the popularity this sold out play has caused . New York here we come!!!!!!

Lucas went inside as planned. And Luke is by my side in his place as my escort. Luke felt I shouldn't be alone. Because of the split and Tom's marriage. Even though Tom and I are cool talking about and he is even here with Taylor so I'm cool. I was having lot's of fun taking little interview's and pictures and such. Luke always said I was surprisingly easy going in the lime light and it shows tonight. `Sophia , Ken and I had some fun with the photo people and Kissed Each side of Tom's cheeks while he was trying to pic up Kenneth, then we Bent down to Kiss Ken's cheeks when Tom dropped him on his butt ,our booties where purposely in the air. Let's Just say we made Kenny's night! I was all in good fun Tom told me that Charlie was inside with new Hot wheels car's to show Lucas cause they are NASCAR ones.

Finishing up the pictures and fixing to go inside I was about to give up hope on there being an admirer. When I went to take one last. Picture, Henry Cavill came to Join me in the picture and whispered in my ear to Look down, as he grabbed my waist for the picture . I did. And their was a pink Lily and a white rose in his hand tied in a pink bow. Let's Just say that pic had my mouth hanging open and Henry laughing as we went in to the theater. Let the new dance begin.

Lois Lane never Got Superman this way Ha!

Chapter 3

Don't jump! One moment @ a Time.

As far as the play went it was as major success. I couldn't pay attention at all . I was staring at Henry the whole time In awe of all of this.As far as I was concerned it was like I had never tasted this before . I won't lie, it scares the shit out of me . I was a ball of nerves the whole play . It was Thomas all over again. @ least that was what I thought. Until Henry asked if I would sign a book for is Nephews Daughter who has Down syndrome. I was politely surprised . He then introduced himself to my Son. Which Lucas can recognize any actor who has ever played a Superhero or villain . Henry was one of our faves. He asked if we wanted to grab a bite to eat . Lucas always could eat. Even in his 30's endless Belly! Can you see 3 adult's in fancy dress in Mc. Donald's. I Loved it Because Henry took the liberty to date Lucas first. To me that Mc. Donald's was 5 stars. The Limo dropped 2 very full and sleepy men at My son's Hotel. I was sparkling in happiness. We pulled up in front of my flat but Henry wouldn't let me out yet. I think he wants to talk . So naturally I listened.

fore I could even say anything He Quieted me and held my hand . Baby Blues connected. Then he spoke. “ Shannon I know what you went through with Hiddleston. I grilled him after meeting you . Actually I'm kinda surprised he didn't rat me out. Story for another time. Now that you understand my intent. I want time. Time to know you. Also before you get nervous, will it help If I got permission from Lucas to date you and Charlie Hiddleston second's the permission. I'm normally a prideful Man But Shannon something inside Tell's me I am supposed to started something new with You. I want get to know you Date you proper. If anything let's see where it goes. Even if we don't connect more personally . We can at least catch a grind to a tune and groove like buddies”.

My breath hitch because I just realize that dude I was grinding with in California at that club. The English Dude. That was Henry!!!!! He notices my blush and Shakes his head showing me the bracelet. I smack his shoulder Laughing my Blush off. Then I told him I am willing to try and if all else fails Partying in New York won't get boring . Then he kissed my Palm and let me out . I gave him my # and told him to give me a call when he was ready to try. The Limo waited till I was Inside. But instead of Leaving The door opened and Henry came running up to me . Grabbed my waist, pulled me close and Kissed me. We exploded!!!!

Hand in Hand at JFK airport Henry and I go straight to the Hotel . No Not for that . We came early so Henry could as he says Court me proper. LOL! There is nothing I'd rather do the then run all over NYC for the first time with Henry. I have jumped in fully no comparing to any other love . This is true Eros and I'm going with the flow. That was our agreement for each other the next morning after the Play. To Just Love & enjoy till the fluffy lady quits singing.

I exploded because of SuperMan!

{None of this story is real the pic are from Googles images !!!!!!!!!!!!}

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marxsgrandson · 4 years

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“You’re not Russian, you’re just American with some Russian blood”- my Israeli PS professor (who is neither Russian nor American nor knows anything about me)

Long post ahead: read it if you’d like but mostly just hoping there’s someone else who can relate to the feelings I’m about to express. So here goes:

Had an unbelievably shitty day today.

I’m in this one political science class. It always ends up somehow ruining my mood. It’s the one with the shitty German men who confronted me in a group after class accusing me of being uncritical towards the Soviet Union, being an antisemite (lol these aryan guys were calling me an antisemite. Like they’re confirmed non-Jewish) and being a dumbass for not idk sucking Gorbachev’s dick personally would be the next leap there. Idk if I posted that here, but it’s necessary context.

Anyways today we were talking about Russia’s motive in x place and just jumping around to every unrelated topic about something about Russia because our class always gets sidetracked and never finishes the lesson we were supposed to do. And of course the Europeans were being pieces of shit.

And the prof said something like “I wish we had Russians in the class to offer maybe a Russian perspective too... like gosh that would be nice. Do we have any Russians?” And I sort of tentatively raised my hand half way because I’m half Russian and when she was looking around the room and didn’t see me, I said “I’m half Russian and this is actually something I heard and talked a lot about growing up, I could take a try at it”

“You’re not Russian, you’re just American with a little Russian blood” she said, dismissing me entirely as the class laughed like it was the funniest thing they’ve ever heard. I now realize what it means when people say they feel stung. I was paralyzed by those words and I don’t really know why. What makes it hurt more is that starting two seconds later she called on a series of five German douchebags to try and explain Russia’s motives and says “huh that’s an interesting idea” after each of them say something painfully obviously wrong. And I felt frozen.

If given the chance to unfreeze myself, I wish I said what I was feeling but didn’t have words for: “Hey. That’s not true. Russian was the language I said my first words in. It’s the language of my childhood and my soul. It connected me to something I felt distant from during the school day. I taught myself to read this language as soon as my mom taught me the alphabet as a little kid. I went to Russian school on the weekends when I was young. I worked hard to keep up this language even though I went through shit from my peers for it. I was the only speaker of this language I knew that was my age after the age of 10. The only other time I’d hear it was when my mom criticized me, wanted to manipulate me (because I told her she sounded sweeter in Russian so she used that to her advantage in making my life hell) bc my brother stopped speaking at a young age.

The only reason I have this connection is because I’ve never worked harder for anything else in my life. I took years of Russian lit courses (in Russian) at the local uni when I was in high school. Until then I’d only done math and reading (just for fun not for school) in Russian. Having learning and sight disabilities and being expected to keep up with both college and high school class and workloads was overwhelming at times. Like I was 14, this wasn’t an “easy A” as my friends joked, it was a college level literature course. But I loved it like nothing else. It was an oasis of peace during my adolesence just getting to hear my dearest language spoken by both native speakers and those who adopted it just because of their love for it. It was the first time I realized that this aspect of me isn’t shameful. Plus, the college kids treated me like I was such a hotshot because I grew up speaking the language and I was like a tiny 14 year old in a russia Olympic jacket and a bowl cut so that made my life. Just getting to be around places where for once, I understood everything that was being said in the exact emotion it was intended, having my cultural touchstones be the norm and that I got to interact with instantly more people in this language was really special.

Maybe what pissed me off so much is not only that I think it’s wrong, but that I think she’s right. My experience is different from a Russian experience, which is why I never claimed to be Russian even when I was the most Russian person in that classroom. My experience of being Russian (Jewish) (Italian)American is as much a story of love and connection as it is of shame and disconnection. It is the story of pain feeling inadequate to everyone, always. When I was six, kids were already refusing to play with me because their parents told them I was a spy or an enemy (which wtf who parents their kid like that) just because I talked about visiting my family in the summer (which is a normal thing to do) and gd forbid they live in RUSSIA. The bullshit hasn’t stopped since. My entire childhood, my mom was vigilant about who I was allowed to tell about being Russian because of it. I thought Russian a really important language to people here. I thought they cared about us. I thought someone else who didn’t have to care about us, fucking cared about us Russian Jews. How can a fellow Jew, an academic, not understand the inherent pluralism of Jewish and Russian experiences when she’s lived in this country surrounded by Russian Jews her whole life?

And I get it. I’m not technically Russian. I don’t have a Russian passport. I didn’t grow up in Russia and that still means there’s always someone more qualified to answer certain questions. But I didn’t think it was going to be some goyische fucking German. Cuz at least I saw saturated with these types of discussions about Russian politics, not being allowed to voice my opinion bc these are Russian jewish middle aged and older people lol kids don’t have valid opinions to them, but listening intently since infancy. I watched Russian news and tv shows (we didn’t have money for both English and Russian language tv so my mom chose the Russian tv channels) on the rare occasion I sat in front of the tv. I hung around Russian speakers more than English speakers (of my parent’s age and older) for most of my childhood until this year. And it’s not just the language, it’s the culture too. It’s the fact that no one around me shared these cultural touchstones growing up. and I didn’t share their American ones even though I grew up in the US.

But trips to Russia didn’t make me feel understood in the ways I craved it would. My family always commented on how amazingly I spoke Russian «просто без акцента!» (without an accent) *insert kisses from relatives you don’t even know who they are but they know everything about you* so I was always kind of aware that I couldn’t seamlessly fit in there either. Especially when in my mom’s small town, children who played with me had literally never seen someone with my color of skin and told me I looked “dirty” which catalyzed my whole washing my hands till my arms got dry and peeled and being frightened that I wasn’t getting “cleaner” and then getting diagnosed with my second subset of OCD at the age of seven. I had so many fond memories of my mom’s hometown. So much nostalgia. But I also have memories which pain me, like the many times I was chased out of stores or once in a doctor’s office because the person assumed I was Roma because of my appearance (like I said, small town). Things got even worse when the school I went to summer camp/summer classes in my mom’s hometown found out I was JEWISH. Oof. My mom convinced me that I was betraying my culture and my ancestors and alienating myself from my grandmother when I came out to her at 11, when I cut my hair after three years of her daily verbal harassment in my mother tongue (she knew it hurts more like that). She said if I wanted to continue “on this path” I would lose all connection to Russia.... “and you don’t want that, do you?” Suffice it to say, I got the message pretty young that I don’t belong in Russia either.

My whole life I’ve been translating half of my world to the other half of my world. And within each of these worlds I must translate my contexts many fold times more. (My Babushka still doesn’t know why I’m putting “poison” in my body for what she sees as a character flaw because she just doesn’t have the context for what ADHD is and the way I was taught to translate it in Russian is «дефицит внимание» or “deficit of attention/carefulness” which as far as she’s concerned is just an American invention for what could really be solved if I just sat more still.) And this has made my world so much richer to be lucky enough to have two native languages in which I learned how to express myself and gave me two whole realms through which to intimately understand the world and all of its nuances. You gain a family when you speak a language. It’s unlike anything else! It was even more special that I got to add Arabic at 12 and now Hebrew. I’m so lucky. But an inherent downside of being taught world views that conflict with each other in some very fundamental ways is really hard when you’re autistic and have ADHD because you have to juggle not just one set of social cues and norms, but two (or more, shout out to the multilinguals from childhood). It’s hard but it’s important and I’m so lucky that this was my birthright. I just wish people would take two seconds to try and understand. Or at least think about if something they said might make someone else feel like this, especially if they’re jewish. Like to ya it’s not a new thing to be torn in many directions. Even here where it’s the dominant culture, I expected her as someone who lives here and is an academic, she’d be better.

#jewish #class #school #study abroad #russian #russian jewish #queer #trans #russian jew #jew #adhd #autism #diaspora tag

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nuson84 · 5 years

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The Body of a Black Autistic

I feel like an uninvited guest in my own body, not seeing through my own eyes but rather watching a reality that I'm not a part of play out in front of me. I recognize the person in the mirror as me from the indentation on my forehead from some careless fall as a child. The rich mystery dark skin that as a child I tired scrabbling raw for I thought of it as dirtier. I love my long slightly feminine eyelashes that I got from my mom, my large thick lips which I owe to my ancestry. The disconnect I feel come not from a dislike but what I can only describe as mechanical. I feel like my body is a machine that I'm operating but know not the function it designs to perform. I know not what my meaning is or purpose, and with this very thought I think why I haven’t found a church to take me or a place I am need. I have hands and yet haven’t built anything of use, feet but have gone nowhere. I am blinded but not cause of a lack of slight but rather I choose to cover my eyes during the scary parts. I have come to understand fear as simply not knowing but my ignorance is of my own choosing. I have an Instagram but rarely if ever I post not out of modest but of what it revealed of me a part that I don’t always recognize of in the body I’m in.

Now is probably as good as any to state that while I understand that some might have described similar feeling by those in the train’s community. I never feel that I was born to the wrong gender, I say this because I don’t want to cheapen any understanding of that trains people have about they own identities. Finding one own identity for many is a life journey for accepted and if you know that the body you in isn’t the one you meant to be in then the courage come when you can accepted your truth. Some may find another explanation if not deny than it surely Depersonalization disorder and if I was to simplify it a medical diagnosis where one feel disconnected from one’s body. I already WebMD it and while I sure studies have been done; I feel this to be a lazy diagnosis. Let me go more into detail, this feeling isn't the same as depression for I have at different points in my life been depress I know the different. When I was deep in a depression state, I thought of suicide but then feeling that if this body isn't mine, I would be trap within it behind closed eyes and a darkness that is endless. I believe in a soul but much like taking your car off a bridge into the ocean if the windows are roll up then you are trap, bury beneath the ocean unable to escape.

I never quite know what to do with my hands putting them in my jacket packets in the winter months and during the summer taking hold of them in one another. For most of my life I have been left off cop’s radars, being pulled over only once for a burned-out headlight. I tied remembering where my hands were at but as I reward back, I found that most of the tape to be blank. Even when it just me I find that I will at times sit on my hands so of to not reach for some idea thing. Smartphones have made it a lot easier to busy my hands as I scroll through my Twitter feed. Being black and on the spectrum is of course reason to be cautious as society see my race as a threat and cops see my actions as suspicious. People who are on the autism spectrum tend to be view as suspicious add on being black then you’re also now in the eyes of a cop a threat. In this age of smart devices, it a bit easier hiding in yourself behind a screen and simply being as everyone else.

The public show symptoms of autism but being black can still single you out and get you shot. A phone is a gun and I constantly remind myself this when pulling out my phone. It happens all too often to be by chance and giving that most diagnosis of African Americans come later than that of they white peers. I'm lucky cause I can be self aware of traits reminding myself to make eye contact and to take my hands out my packets when walking into stores. American will quickly remind you that you’re other forcing you to learn whites feeling of uncomfortable is a sign that you should then feel endanger. Not the same when you on the spectrum and black. Because you’re unable to pickup on other body language you’re unaware that jumping up flapping your arms is seen as a threat by them.

I led a tour of my body with my hand recognition every scar, every line, as mine own. It's not a comfort that one feel by the sense of a touch but more as so an invading of another space. Every scar I leave upon it feels like a violation of another not me. Growing up I played with actor figures and though they body differ I knew that the arm connection to the shoulder. In this connection I was able to identify each part of each one of my action figures. Matching the plastic green legs to that of plastic green hips, their simply shaped together and became one. If I had to pin an exact extremity that I feel most disconnect from it would be my legs. Legs that wobble like stilts I can't speak for all on the spectrum, but I do know a few who had described something seemly in feeling like a disconnect from one own body. It not something easier Google as most don't know how exactly to describe it, many had called it not having awareness of their body. Most that I know on the spectrum tend to walk in a skipping fashion or drag their feet. Many females who are on the spectrum tend not to be aware of their development bodies and will continue to dress like adulation. My cousin whose also on the spectrum is nonverbal and tend to at times not be aware of pain, not in the sense of not feeling it but a delay reaction. Autism people aren't lost in their own world but rather trapped in their own bodies without a mean to expression themselves.

Depersonalization disorder is marked by periods of feeling disconnected or detached from one's body and thoughts (depersonalization). Diagnose are objectionable to racism as well sexism and I make it a point not to accept a false or positive as an answer. The only time white men are diagnosed with anything is when one carried out a massive shooting. Our election officials think a man identifying as other is crazy, but what to say of the man who subscribes to Soldier of Fortune. There are those who feel more comfortable seeing a white man with a gun than seeing a brown woman wearing a hijab. This to them is depressing they feel it they right to stare and own. I don't like wearing shorts mainly cause as a child I had terrible eczema on my legs. Even though I'm not that child anymore I still don't like wearing shorts. People feel it they place to asked me why when it 90 degrees out I’m wearing jeans. All of me must be reveal if not then I must be hiding something. About a week ago a woman I met online asked me to show her my dick, so she could size it up and I did. I didn't want her to think I was hiding anything but whereas other guys take, they shared of dick pic. A part of me feel exposed and when she bluntly said, “oh I need more dick to satisfy me “. It didn't bother me, more so her words were read but I was not at all hurt. I’m not attached to an ideal of masculinity and don't defend it as an identity.

So yes, I’m scared and share this because it not shames that I feel or a secret hiding behind brand clothing. Identity isn’t as simple as checking a box or putting other. It’s not rejecting what is projecting but rather not letting it be the only thing that defines you. I’m not someone ideal of a characteristic portray of masculinity. If they say I carry myself queer then be that which is made I don’t have anything to prove. I’m autistic and black kinder awkward and love geeky shit. Its not a identity but who I am and at 35 it no longer bothering or do I feel the need to impress. I’m the best version of me and I the only one who have to live with me.

#Black #autistic spectrum #autistic life #justice

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dailyaudiobible · 5 years

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08/06/2019 DAB Transcript

Ezra 3:1-4:23, 1 Corinthians 2:6-3:4, Psalms 28:1-9, Proverbs 20:24-25

Today is the 6th day of August. Welcome to the Daily Audio Bible. I’m Brian like every day and it's great to be with you like every day here around this global campfire that we call our community as we come in out of whatever and join hearts and minds as we allow God's word to speak to us. This week we’re reading from the God's Word Translation and we’re kind of just getting going in the book of Ezra and in the letter to the Corinthians, Paul's letter known as first Corinthians. So, we’re at the front part of both of those books. And off we go. Today, Ezra 3 verse 1 through 4 verse 23.

Commentary:

Alright. So, yesterday when we were reading from first Corinthians, Paul's started talking about the nonsense of the gospel and we kind of explored that a little bit but as we continue through the letter Paul continues on with his discussion and basically Paul said that God's plan to redeem the world was something that was ancient and had been hidden but was revealed in Jesus through the power of the Holy Spirit, but only for people with eyes to see and ears to hear, which is basically what Jesus said throughout His ministry. If we think about this from our own perspective, like from our own human understanding of the world that processes information through five physical senses then what we’re reading doesn't really make any rational sense, that God's plan to redeem the world was ancient and hidden, but was revealed in this person named Jesus through the power of the Holy Spirit's but the only people who would be able to find it would be those with eyes to see and ears to hear, right? And most people are like, “I have eyes and I see, and I have ears…”, like it doesn't necessarily make sense. However, once you've felt the truth of it, once something has come awake inside your soul, you can’t see the world any other way, which is like what we said yesterday - incredibly difficult to describe to somebody who doesn't see, who doesn't hear, who doesn't experience the world as a spiritual being. And Paul commented on that. He said, “not one of the rulers of this world has known it. If they had, they wouldn't have crucified the Lord of glory. God has revealed those things to us by his Spirit. The Spirit searches everything, especially the deep things of God.” So, for those of us who are mostly rooted in rationalism, which would be me, I need to know how things work, then how do you reconcile this apparent disconnect that happens between our own reason and this awareness that somehow there is a spiritual reality more tangible than anything else in the world? This is what Paul was trying to explain. It’s like not a new question. And, so, here’s what Paul said. “Who knows everything about a person except a person's own spirit? In the same way no one has known everything about God except God's Spirit. We didn't receive the spirit that belongs to the world. Instead, we received the spirit who comes from God so that we could know the things which God is freely given. A person who isn't spiritual doesn't accept the teachings of God's spirit. He thinks they’re nonsense. He can't understand them because a person must be spiritual to evaluate them.” So, basically, according to the apostle Paul, our human mind by itself on its own can't reason the ways of God. We need something more than our own mind. And, so, for Paul there’s only one way to reconcile this and in reconciling this and explaining it he gave us one of the most quoted verses in all of the Bible, “we have the mind of Christ.” So, as we experienced in Paul's letter to the Romans, his writing is highly theological, highly technical, so, you know, we could go intellectual and just try to understand what we’re talking about here today or we can try to boil this down into something that we could live into today and thankfully words, much older than Paul's letter to the Corinthians gives us advice. From the Proverbs today, “the Lord is the one who directs the person's steps. How then can anyone understand his own way?”

Prayer:

Father, as we enter into that, we see that there really is a constant battle between what we believe and what we perceive, and this is simply exposing the line inside of us where we are of the world and where we are not. So, we invite Your Holy Spirit to help us today to see things spiritually and not to see them as something, a problem to figure, but as a way to enjoy life with You. Come Jesus we ask. In Your mighty name we pray. Amen.

Announcements:

dailyaudiobible.com is home base, it is the website, it is where your find out what’s happening around here.

And in short weeks, very short weeks from now before this month is up, we will be excitedly hosting the Daily Audio Bible Family Reunion for 2019 here in the rolling hills of Tennessee. And we are looking for to that and you are indeed invited, and I hope you’re coming. I hope you can come here to the beautiful Nashville area and experience the rolling hills for yourself. You can get all of the details at dailyaudiobible.com in the Initiatives section. There is…well…you'll see, Family Reunion 2019 and you’ll click in there and every detail that you would want to know or need to know is in there. While you're in the Initiatives section you may also…well you’ll see the other initiatives but one of them is Israel 2020. And we will be going back to Israel in 2020, although we will not be doing the More Gathering or the Family Reunion in 2020. We’re taking a little bit of a break from such an aggressive pace that we've been keeping for 14 years. Taking a little break. So, we won’t be doing the Family Reunion next year. So, this one is one that we’re really looking forward to kind of hold us over, get enough hugs and enough handshakes and enough conversations and that will hold us over for a little while. So, we’re looking forward to that, but we will be going back to Israel and there are precious few spots left for Israel 2020. So, if that's been on your list, you can look in the Initiatives section where you are already looking at the Family Reunion and you'll see the Israel 2020 and you can get all the details there as well. So, hoping to see as many of you as possible. That is the next couple of things that are coming up.

If you want to partner with the Daily Audio Bible, you can do that at dailyaudiobible.com. There is a link that lives on the homepage and I thank you with all humility and with all of the heart that I can put into the fewest words possible. Thank you that we are in this together and thank you for your partnership. So, there’s a link on the homepage. If you’re using the Daily Audio Bible app, you can press the Give button in the upper right-hand corner or, if you prefer, the mailing address is PO Box 1996 Spring Hill Tennessee 37174.

And, as always, if you have a prayer request or comment 877-942-4253 is the number to dial.

And that's it for today. I'm Brian I love you and I'll be waiting for you here tomorrow.

Community Prayer and Praise:

Brian I’ve been with you every day for nine years. You inspired me to write the book “Jewels of the Bible”. I took the Bible line by line, I pulled out the stories and I made them alive because I have cancer, breast cancer and it’s moved to stage IV and it went to my brain and I just got a new oncologist who basically told me to put my affairs in order. I have two autistic boys ages 19 and 22. King David said, I’ve never seen the righteous forsaken or their children begging for bread. I am not righteous but Jesus is my righteousness and I just would like prayer for the boys, Michael Josiah and Elisha Benjamin. My husband after 25 years when I got cancer he left. I know this is a two-minute call but when I wrote the book, when I made the Bible alive for kids for the next generation it’s like that when the attacks started. So, Satan’s trying to get my brain. I left it for the world and I want you guys to know that it’s there and I love you all so much and I trust Jesus to go with __ these babies…well they’re not babies, they’re young men…I would be happy to go see Jesus and I know Jesus will take care of everything and I know this is more than two minutes but God bless you all. I love you Brian. You’ve helped me through so much of my life. God bless.

Hi, my name is Jessica I’m calling from Michigan. It’s August 1st. Actually, it’s August 2nd but still not officially because I haven’t gone to asleep yet. I am a college student, I’m 19. I started listening to the DAB when I was 15. I have an interesting spiritual journey throughout my childhood and I really needed to feel close to God and DAB was one of the ways I was able to do that because I didn’t really have any spiritual friends, or my family really didn’t go to church very much. But I got a campus ministry college. That was great. I got some great fellowship opportunities and made some good friends but a few months ago when I started fighting a doctor in a few and it really confused me and made my relationship with God kind of uncomfy and in seeking out answers and trying to understand this side of things and I ended up finding way more questions than I thought and not many answers and it really made my relationship with God kind of bad. So, I reached out…not reached out…but decided to listen to DAB again today and that was great because I haven’t listened in a while. I’ve been reading the Bible chronologically more for historical contextual study __. But I really found what Brian said about not fighting people on doctrine to be helpful and I guess I felt inspired by that and I just wanted to reach out and ask you to pray that I can have a better relationship with God because I miss Him a lot…

Hi Brian, hi Daily Audio Bible community. I just want to…this…my name is Norma…and I just want to thank you so much for your…this app and this community. I know that the Lord led me to you as I was praying for deeper study in the word and I know that I have found that with the Daily Audio Bible. And I also would like to…I was led by the Holy Spirit to call in to offer some words of encouragement to all of those who have called with problems with her health and finances and those that have had lost a loved one. I just wanted to share a couple of Scriptures with you and just…reading from John 14:2. He says, “in my Father’s house are many mansions. If it were not so I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you.” And in second Corinthians 4:18, He says, “while we do not things which are seen but at the things which are not seen for the things which are seen are temporary but the things which are not seen are eternal.” So, I want to encourage all of you community that are going through some things, that what we are going to see here on earth, as it says in the word, is just temporary and I know that during this time of suffering it’s really difficult but remember also that as the word says in John that God is preparing mansions for us and we have so much to look forward to when we are raptured and I just encourage all of you…my heart and compassion call out to all…

Hello Daily Audio Bible family this is Treasured Possession coming at you from the blessed lake state of Minnesota and I’m calling to encourage other believers to give up. I want to thank Pastor Brian for all of his dedication for years and years of speaking the word every day. I have been listening for a long time but this year, first year consistently all the way from January 1st up until today. And I want to say I am so excited. Second Chronicles 32:7-8 pretty much describes our marriage of 33 years. My husband and I will be married 33 years of the 9th of August and it is because of exactly what pastor Brian talked about today, the one thing that has changed in our marriage is just what he talked about. If Satan can get us discouraged full of self-doubt, blaming others for what we’ve done, he’s stolen our faith. And often Satan uses the past, debts, results of previous sins we’re still experiencing to try and convince us that God wasn’t enough then and He won’t be enough now, so just give up. But that’s only the story from this world’s point of view. Our faith says God was there then and He’s there now. We live in Christ as a people resurrected from death, the death of our past sin. We are made completely new and alive in Christ, that every spiritual blessing and the power to obey with joyful and peaceful hearts. Jesus gives us His authority to overcome the enemy as we step forward in faith, learning to trust the Holy Spirit’s guidance through suffering, missing the mark, confessing, getting back up, and going deeper into faith with Jesus. Praise God. I love you all. Be blessed.

Hi, good day, my name is Marcia from Jersey. It’s been a while since I called the line. It’s been like about four years. I know when I called first, I mentioned I was diagnosed with lupus and I was able to experience a miracle. The Lord has healed me. I went on to have a baby boy. His name is Joseph. But the reason that I’m calling today is because I heard the prayer request from Gary from northern Idaho. He was saying that he was diagnosed with metastatic prostate cancer. Gary, today I’m calling to say to you that you’re under a spiritual welfare. I want to say to you that I admire your strength. I listened to your call and you said you…you know, I’m saying to you that I admire your strength and your stance. I want to reiterate what you said, that you are throwing down the gauntlet and your fighting side-by-side with Jesus. Keep it up. Keep it up my brother. You’re going to win. I’m am declaring today that your cancer free. You said you’re following in the great commission. I love it. I love it. I love it. I want to pray for you. Today I’m going to pray for you. So, father today I come before You. I say it today God, Your name is Jehovah. You’re Jesus Christ, the one that sits at the right-hand side of God the father. I am declaring today God that Gary is healed and delivered from metastatic prostate cancer. I’m binding up and chaining up and am casting in the pits of fire every demonic force that is standing against him. In the name of Jesus, I destroy right now the authors of the enemy that have him tied. I break every yoke in the name of Jesus. God…I am speaking of God…I am setting him free right now in the name of Jesus. Father, I thank You for him oh God, every record keeping instrument with his location and identity I’m destroying it in the name of Jesus. I rebuke the devourer, I reverse every agreement now made against him. I’m destroying every evil work from its root and severing the ties of the enemy. I’m speaking to him oh God and I’m saying who the Son set free is free indeed. John 8:36. The Lord bless and keep you in the name of Jesus. Thank you, Lord. Thank you, Jesus.

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kootenaygoon · 4 years

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So,

Niles was on crutches, watering his garden.

It was late Tuesday afternoon, and we’d just put the Wednesday edition of the Star to bed. Despite the fact it was mid-October, the weather was still summery, with a light wind rustling its way up the valley. The Slocan River had a magical sheen in the distance as my RAV broke out of the trees. Brutus was running laps of the yard with a dog I didn’t recognize, too busy to bark at my arrival, so I followed the driveway around to the barn unmolested and parked beside a mud-spattered, half-deconstructed Jeep. Niles had invited me over to discuss his latest manuscript submission, which was over 100,000 words long. It sat hefty and dog-eared on my passenger seat, riddled with highlighter and scribbled notes, alongside a six-pack of Blue Buck. I wasn’t looking forward to this feedback session, because I wasn’t sure if he was mature enough to hear what I had to say.

“We’ve got the house to ourselves tonight, Goon. I’ve got the second season of Fargo queued up, plus I’ve acquired some fabulous Afghani Kush that will blow your hair back,” Niles said, his crutches squelching in the mud as he clopped over to my side door.

I lifted up his manuscript, which was called The Fox and the Fawn. “Did you forget about this?”

Since my arrival in Nelson I’d been keeping a small roster of three to five students, helping them develop everything from a fictional account of the Rwandan genocide to a fantasy novel about an autistic teen adventuring through an alternate dimension. The trouble was, I was starting to feel like an imposter. My repeated attempts at finishing Whatever you’re on, I want some hadn’t resulted in the fame and glory I was imagining, and now I was wondering if I’d been kidding myself this whole time. Yeah, I had my Master’s, but so what? Could I really be a writer? And if not, was I really worthy of being a teacher? Who was I kidding?

“I figured you would’ve burned that thing the moment you realized what a gargantuan turd it is,” Niles said, his blond hair hanging limply around his dishevelled face. He wasn’t looking healthy.

I climbed out and shut the door. “I read some of it to my new roommate Mika, actually. We had a little reading in my living room.”

“You didn’t.”

“Yeah, she wanted to hear the sex scene.”

Niles roared with delight. That’s what he was always looking for, an audience to the lewd reality of his existence. As far as he was concerned, he was the best kind of criminal — the kind that never gets caught. The Fox and the Fawn was a fangirl tribute to himself, to his gangster exploits as a Slocan Valley weed king. With legalization finally here, he felt it was time to tell his story. The manuscript was Bukowski mixed with Kerouac, demented and perverse and shockingly violent. At one point he even casually admits to date rape, including a scene where his girlfriend rages at him for taking advantage of her while he was drunk.

“I didn’t know you had a new roommate,” he said. “What happened to Brendan?”

“Nothing. I just found a new place, levelled up. Teamed up with this girl Mika who works at my pot dispensary. She’s got a pet rabbit.”

“You’re still getting your shit from there? Why aren’t you coming to me?”

Niles was wearing a brown bathrobe. He opened his front door, told me not to worry about my shoes, then handed me the crutches while he hopped on one foot up the carpeted staircase. He grunted and sighed with each step, muttering swear words under his breath. I’d never seen him like this. When we reached the top I gave him his crutches and the beer, and he motioned for me to take a seat in the living room. As I passed by the familiar John Cooper paintings, I noticed that he’d hung the self-portrait I’d given him as a present a month earlier. I’d painted it with Natalya.

“You hung my painting upside down?”

He laughed, opening the fridge. “Yeah, I dunno why I did that. Just seemed to me like it looks better that way. I get a kick out of it.”

I shook my head. For the past month I’d been painting furiously, and it felt like a swirling green portal had opened up inside my brain. My writing may have stalled, but this was a way to channel my creativity into something other than journalism. I was getting sick of the Star, getting sick of taking the same pictures of the same fundraiser events, getting sick of the constraints. My relationship with Ed and Kai was strained too, as they were tired of my entitled laziness. Maybe they knew I was stoned every day, slumping into the office uninspired and half-assing my stories. I felt like the universe was wasting me, but painting had become a soothing therapy, something I did exclusively for myself. I was giving myself permission to be sloppy and flamboyant and outrageous, slathering my canvases with dribbling glitter and chaotic streaks of inspiration. This painting I’d given Niles was my first.

As he banged around in the kitchen, I walked over to the living room window and looked out at the Slocan Valley. The trees were the colour of flames, red and orange and electric yellow, and they matched the darkening sky. Lately I’d been feeling a subtle dread, like the magic was slowly draining from my surroundings. Winter is coming. I hated being single, hated being a chronic stoner, and hated how much of my life I spent stressing out about money. In university I’d become so convinced that I had life sorted out, that I was on a consistently upwards trajectory, that it was only a matter of time before I would be rewarded with creative success and lifelong fulfillment. Now I wasn’t so sure. It was easy to blame Paisley and all the drama she’d brought to my life, but she’d been gone for over a year now. At some point I would have to address my own shit without using her as a scapegoat.

“I don’t know how much longer I can do this, man.”

Niles scuffed back into the living room holding our beers. “This?”

“The Kootenays. The Star. I got into a bit of a scrap with Kai and Ed today, in the newsroom,” I said. “Over our coverage of Me Too.”

He laughed, sinking into his recliner. “You’re too radical for them?”

I shook my head, crossed to the couch. “I’ve just been seeing all these posts, right? Women sharing their trauma, men self-flagellating, but the discourse isn’t actually going anywhere. It’s not actually accomplishing anything. But I wanted to do something tangible, so I interviewed the superintendent and a bunch of principals about how they’re responding to it. Just to get it official, on the record, how they plan to change things.”

He snorted. “I’m sure they loved that.”

“So I hand in this 1200-word behemoth of a story, with all these different angles and perspectives, and they told me it didn’t have any teeth. They said it’s just a bunch of talking heads. I tried to argue, you know, that it’s important to be holding these people accountable and that their words are powerful, but they weren’t hearing it. They said if I’m going to write a story about sexual assault then I need a real sexual assault.”

He frowned, shrugged. “So what’re you going to do?”

I felt myself getting worked up. For the past few days I’d been endlessly scrolling through Twitter and Facebook, feeding on the outrage and vitriol. It was bringing everything up, Trent and Galloway and my strange obsession with crucifixion. The topic of sexual violence was like an intricate bomb I was trying to defuse with nothing but a screwdriver. As far as I was concerned, the conversation had to move beyond the rage to solutions. Men had to own their complicity, with more than just empty words, and propose tangible solutions. I was determined to prove Kai and Ed wrong, to show that my journalism had real teeth.

“Well, I’ve already started writing a column about it. About my personal feelings on the subject. And I’m going to illustrate it with a picture of my face with the words ‘Part of the Problem’ scrawled across my forehead.”

Niles laughed. “That should piss off the right people.”

“Not only that, I’ve found two girls who are willing to go on record about their assaults. One who was a student at Elephant Mountain Secondary, and the other from Selkirk College. If I do this right, this could be the most powerful story I’ve written since coming to the Star. Like, I think it could be a really big deal.”

“Well, Goon,” he said. “I think your saviour complex is alive and kicking.”

Eventually we pivoted to discussing his manuscript, and I flipped through it on the coffee table as I took him through my notes. All of his female characters came off as interchangeable, he had a tendency to summarize scenes rather than depict them, and by the end of the narrative he came off as completely unlikeable. Being self-deprecating is one thing, but it was like he was going out of his way to shock the reader with his shitty behaviour. It felt like he was daring his audience to hate him. At times it reminded me of the memoir A Crowbar in the Buddhist Garden, by Stephen Reid, so I recommended he check it out for inspiration. I felt Reid struck a fine balance between owning his mistakes and aspiring to be a better human being.

“That’s the bank robber?”

“Yeah, they made a movie about him. Point Break.”

“That surfer movie with Keanu Reeves?”

“I think they fictionalized it a bit. The point is, there’s a guy who has actually grappled with his own soul. That takes balls.”

He nodded. “A Crowbar in the Buddhist Garden. I like that.”

Once we were finished with notes, Niles padded off into his bedroom and returned with an elaborate dragon-themed bong. As we smoked together I thought of the caterpillar from the animated version of Alice in Wonderland, asking in his condescending tone “Who are you?” That was the sort of question that was getting harder to answer all the time. Thinking about rape culture all day had me hating myself to the point where I felt physically sick, but at other times I was convinced of my own prophethood, my special destiny to save the world somehow. If I could tackle this Me Too story from exactly the right angle I knew it could have a legit impact. Everyone was encouraging women to speak while men listen, but I had been listening. And now I had something to say. I leaned back in the couch and examined the light fixture in the ceiling, composing my column in my head.

“Here,” Niles said. “You want another hit?”

The Kootenay Goon

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subasekabang · 7 years

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Title: Anything To Make you Stay, Chapter 8 Rating: T Word Count: Total: 15,761, chapter: 1,961 Characters: Joshua, Neku, Shiki, Eri, Beat, Rhyme, Hanekoma, Kariya, Uzuki. Pairings: Josh/Neku. Warnings: Suicide, Major Character Death, Depression, semi-detailed depiction of dead bodies, mentions of ableism, one minor allusion to transphobia Summary: Joshua and Neku have been best friends since they were 11, but their friendship starts to fall apart after Joshua goes missing for a week, soon after his 14th birthday. Lies corrode the bond, and Neku’s vivid nightmares of finding someone’s dead body does not help. A year and a half later, they hit the boiling point. Always look before crossing the road, kiddos. Author’s Note: Autistic Josh and Neku! Afab demiboy Josh! Agender Rhyme! Usage of sign language! This was a fun fic to write please enjoy it.

Chapter 8:

They wake up at the Concert Stage, because of course they do. It’s pitch black, and Josh groans. He shouldn’t use his power to light the place up, that would be irresponsible. So when he and Neku get the mission mail, Josh takes the longer time limit as an excuse to drag Neku around and go shopping.

First stop, Lapin Angelique. He insists on paying for everything, it’s only polite, of course. And it lets him dress Neku up in stat-boosting gothic lolita clothes like he’s always wanted to.

“Josh, is this really necessary?” Neku asks, as he tries on the vampire dress.

“Yes, it absolutely is. This is a Game, and the stuff you equip will effect your stats. We’ll be taking what we can get right now.” He grins, paying for the Bunny Parka and throwing it on. “We should also probably be level grinding, fighting more Noise and whatnot, getting the drops.”

“Whoever thought that making this work like a video game was a good idea is out of their mind,” Neku says, and Josh snorts. Neku’s got a point, it’s not something anyone would reasonably expect from the Reaper’s Game.

“That’d be the Composer you’re talking about. Head honcho here in the UG. The Composer is tied intimately to the city, unable to be separated from it. The Composer is the god of the UG in which they are connected to. They’re the one that brings the Players who win back to life.” Josh buys two capes, putting one on and tossing the other to Neku, who frowns, but puts it on.

Josh grabs the lace-up dress, rolling his eyes at Neku’s scrunched up face as he slips into a changing room to put it on.

“We both look ridiculous and this is awful,” Neku says, when he comes back out.

“You’re just annoyed because I can rock it better than you.” Josh smirks, before turning back to Princess K and chatting with her a bit, purchasing at least one of every pin in stock, tossing them to Neku as they leave. “Here, you should have a use for all those. I don’t use pins. I channel the pysch through my phone, and drop shit on the Noise.”

Neku takes the pins tossed at him, and follows Josh out the store. “How in the world did you learn to do that?”

“Just felt natural, I guess. I input commands by tapping some buttons, and the stuff I summon falls out of the sky and hits them. It’s very satisfying to see happen.”

As Josh steps out the door, a girl runs into him, and she steps back and yelps. “Oh gosh! I’m so sorry! I didn’t see you there!” It only takes a glance at her to know who she is, Shiki Misaki, and the other girl behind her must be Eri. Joshua had hoped those two would Partner up, it’d let them settle some issues.

He shrugs. “No worries. I’m Josh, that’s Neku, my Partner. I’m assuming you two are Partners as well?” he asks, and hides his laugh as both of them look at him in surprise, jaw dropped and eyebrows raised. It’s bizarre, seeing two people with the same body do that.

“Are you two like, twins, or something?” Neku asks.

Shiki shakes her head. “No, no, we’re not. Just friends. I had some… Jealousy problems, my Fee was my appearance. I’m Shiki, by the way. Eri’s fee was her voice,” she says, and motions to the pad of paper and the pen in her friend’s hand. “We picked that up so she could have some way to say stuff.”

“Useful, if you don’t know sign language, I guess. Neku and I both know sign, which was handy yesterday when I went nonverbal.” Neku rolls his eyes at the repeat of the pun, and Josh just gives him a grin. He slides out of the way of the door, standing to the side with Neku while they speak to the girls.

“Ooh, maybe you could teach us sometime!” Shiki says, and Eri nods.

“I’m not opposed to that. Neku?” he asks, looking over at him.

“Sure, whatever. How about after the mission?” he says, and Josh rolls his eyes.

“Fine with me. Do you ladies know anything about it yet?” Josh asks.

Shiki shakes her head. “Not much. There’s some guys hanging around front of the concert stage, they’re from a band. Their tech is missing, said he went off to get fuses and should’ve been back by now.”

“Makes sense, it’s dark as hell in there,” Neku says. “If the fuses blew, then no wonder we can’t see anything. Maybe if we get the lights working again, we’ll find whatever we need to fight.”

“Let’s split up, we can share any discoveries we make with each other, and do more apart than we could together. There’s another pair of people running around, Beat and Rhyme, if you see them, be sure to fill them in,” Josh says, and with a few quick goodbyes they part ways.

It takes some running around, and they stop by Sunshine and Dragon Couture for some food and threads. It’s here that they also run into Beat and Rhyme again.

They swap notes. Rhyme tells them about memes and Imprinting, Neku tells them about the tech and getting the lights back on.

They’re about to part ways when Josh speaks up. “Hey, Beat, can I have a chat with you?” he asks.

Beat frowns, but nods. “Sure, whatchu want?”

Josh looks over at Neku and Rhyme. “You two wanna go try Imprinting some people? I promise I’m not trying to pull anything, there’s just something I want to talk about, and I’m sure once Beat knows the topic, he’ll agree that the conversation should be private.”

It takes a moment, but both Neku and Rhyme agree to give them a bit of privacy. Once they’ve gone, Beat turns to him. “What’s this about, yo?”

“Rhyme’s your sibling, aren’t they?” he asks, blunt. He’s never understood why people would dance around a subject.

A look of shock crosses Beat’s face, eyes wide. “How’d ya know?”

“Resemblance, matching skull motif,” Josh flashes a grin, but drops it as he moves on. It’s not the time for humor. “The way you reacted when Rhyme said Partner, like you were hoping for a different word to come out of their mouth. Entry Fees can be nasty things. Seeing the most important person in your world forget about you? That’s a special type of pain. A jab to the heart anytime they can’t connect the dots between the missing memories and you.”

Beat flinches. “Shuddup. You got no clue what it’s like yo.”

“I’ve known Neku since we were both 11, he remembers nothing from before the Game,” Joshua deadpans. “Your experiences are not unique, there are others going through the same stuff as you. Take comfort in that, and know that you are not alone in what you feel.”

Before Beat can reply, Josh walks off to go see how Neku and Rhyme are doing. Which is bothering a business man, apparently. They’ve both taken to Imprinting what they have on him. Josh cracks a smile, grabs Neku, and decides that it’s time to visit Dogenzaka.

They find the tech at Ramen Don, and send him on his way to get the fuse. Then it’s just a matter of waiting until the boss appears.

When the bat does, Neku and Josh hop into battle. He has some fun throwing objects, while Neku pummels the big boss with fire and lightning.

They have a bit of time to spare, but the timer hasn’t disappeared yet. It doesn’t, not until Beat and Rhyme appear from their battle with the small, golden bat.

Things go fuzzy after that.

They all wake up at 104, and Josh has a chance to appreciate the fact that he budgeted a lazy day. Get to Towa Records, no time limit.

It’s a bit of a blur. Shiki and Eri rope them all into a ton of shopping, and Josh can’t deny he had a part in that. He’s not being stingy, tossing out yen pins to everyone. It’s not a blur like day 2 was, it’s exciting, he can feel the pulse of the city beneath him as they all take turns between battles. The rhythm vibrates through him, the Music flowing around them all like the wind, and really, how could he ever want to stay on the higher vibes, when the rush, the thrill of the Game had adrenaline coursing through his system.

Throughout the day, Neku and Josh show off some sign language, teaching the others some basics. They aren’t bothering with grammar for now, just showing the signs for what they encounter.

The flow comes to a halting, cacophonous, stop as they arrive at Towa Records.

Instruments tumble over, unsure of whether to continue, as Rhyme pushes Beat out of the way of the shark trap.

Time slows.

Time stops.

Rhyme is halfway static as the world goes grayscale and freezes. Joshua takes measured steps to her side. A simple zap of power to the Swing Shark vaporizes it, the static flowing past them, back into ambient Shibuya, as he presses a hand to Rhyme’s forehead, pulling their Music back into one place, rebinding the body and Soul. He lets Rhyme shift into timeless space with him, and they look around first, panic evident, and then at him.

“What did you just do?”

Josh shrugs. “Erased the Noise, froze time to do it, reassembled you. You were almost shark bait.” He pauses, lets out a short laugh. “This is why Composers shouldn’t Play in their own Game, huh? Getting attached isn’t good when you need to be an impartial judge.”

Rhyme’s eyes widen, mouth dropping. “You? Composer? What?”

He smiles. “For about a year and a half now. I’ve always seen the UG. I’ve been friends with Neku since we were 11, became Composer a few days after my 14th birthday. He died after we got in an argument, he marched off and into the road. I… owe it to him, to keep him safe. Didn’t expect to be doing that for others, but I don’t think I’m gonna regret this.”

“Does he know?” they ask, and Josh shakes his head.

“No. I’m planning on telling him everything after we win the Game, but his Fee was his memories of me. Gotta get him those back, first. So I’d appreciate it if you could keep this secret for me.”

They mime the motion for zipping their lips, and nod. “I won’t tell anyone. You have my word.”

Josh smiles, falling back into place with the others. Their minds will accommodate, Rhyme was a near miss, the shark disappeared when it failed, things happened too fast for everyone’s brain to process. He snaps his fingers, and time resumes.

“RHYME!” Beat shouts, as he lands on the ground. He’s on his feet in seconds, ready to do whatever it takes to protect Rhyme, no doubt, but instead he finds them brushing off their knees, otherwise uninjured.

Shiki and Eri run forward, Eri signing [Are you okay?] as Shiki asks it, hands and voice messy with worry.

Neku hangs back, but an aborted yell hangs heavy on his lips, eyes wide. Josh takes a singular step forward, playing the part of surprised and worried friend.

There’s a lot of hugging and worrying over Rhyme, but Joshua looks beyond, at the Reaper who placed the trap. Uzuki looks annoyed, yes, with an eyebrow twitching and frown set on her face, but she’s eyeing him. She suspects his intervention, no doubt.

Kariya must have informed her of their previous Partnership.

#fanfic #submission #TWEWY #TWEWY Bang 2017 #composerwithashotgun

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myfirsthaircut · 7 years

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March 26th, 2017, Okay. So the day started kind of bad because I told my mom I would cover a shift at the deli and it was a 9am-3pm shift. This meant I gave up one of my few sleep in days... which, quite simlpy, sucks. Once there I had to slice cheese and clean and cook and organize things and run around and just generally be miserable and not get paid a lot. Highlight of the shift was when a middle aged guy came up to the counter to pick up food his wife ordered. I gave him his food and he asked me when the truck parked across the street burned up. I didn't know what he was talking about ( turns out a parked and empty tractor trailer blew up in the lot across the street the night before), so I looked him dead in the eyes and said "I don't know, I don't work here." The look in his eyes was just priceless. He was so utterly confused. He was saved when the cashier came over and answered his question. He seemed satisfied with her answer regarding the truck fire, but still concern by my assertion that I didn't work there. Anyway, moving on. I drove home from work with my windows down because it was 60 degrees out and gorgeous. I was listening to my music and having a good time when I looked over to see the douchebag in the car next to me leaning across the woman (presumably girlfriend) in the passenger seat and quite clearly yelling at me in some deragatory way while his girlfriend laughed. Jokes on them though, cause I have no idea what he was yelling. He could have been cursing and hurling insults, but I had my volume up to combat the fact that my windows were down and thus could not hear him at all. I wouldn't have even known he was screaming at me if I hadn't checked that way at the red light. I shrugged and kept singing along. I could tell by the look on his face that he thought he was being clever and snide and superior, but he just looked like a fool. Even if he was trying to mock my taste in music (it was a Hamilton song, boy had no grounds) or whatever other self aggrandizing mission he had, when a girl has her music on, she doesn't give a shit what you have to say, and in this case, I didn't even have to suffer through hearing it. He then cut in front of me after the light but, yet again, jokes on him, cause I switched to the other lane to not drive behind him and he got stuck behind a slow moving truck and the other lane wouldn't let him in. Last I saw of his little black wannabe sports car was in my rear view as he got stuck at another red light. These are the moments when I believe in Karma. Moving right along, I got home and ripped off my work clothes like I was preparing for some torrid sexual encounter. Unfortunately, the only satisfaction I received was the sweet relief of taking off work shoes and collapsing into a bed. After a few minutes of dicking around on my phone, I decided to check the showtimes for the new Power Rangers movie only to discover there was a 4:15 showing, which meant I could get see it before dinner. My original partner in crime was busy studying for grad school exams so I chose to fly solo. Mom was getting ready to leave for her 2 hour bitch shift (she gets paid to go in to a 7-11 twice a week to write orders and yell at people) and the car she usually takes was parked on the street in front of the house. Not wanting to lose the weekend parking space, which is hard to come by, I suggested she just take my car and drop me off on her way to work. The movie theatre is only a couple blocks from my house, and barely out of her way. She agreed and I slipped my water bottle into my jacket pocket and away we went. I sat down in the theatre just as the previews started. Now, the Power Rangers movie... go see it. It's just entertaining. It's funny and charming. It's family friendly without being lame. It's action packed without being plotless. And most of all, the characters diversely address teenage issues and decision making processes. They're human, and have character names, but let's go by Ranger color for simplicity's sake: Red is dealing with parental pressure and failure. Pink is struggling with what kind of person she is and what kind of person she wants to be. Black is trying to find strength and hope with an ailing mother at home. Yellow! Yellow is figuring out her sexuality while navigating a family, specifically parents, who are painfully conventional. She isn't sure what she is, all she knows is that she could never talk to her parents about her struggle. And Blue. I saved Blue for last because I think he is my favorite. He's on the Autism spectrum and he is unbelievably endearing. If you get to the end of the movie and don't adore the Blue Ranger, you have no soul. To see heroes of a movie that are autistic, and gay, and struggling with identity and responsibility, and all these things that are so indicative of what it is like to be a young adult... it's amazing. Seriously, if you have the chance, just go and have a good time. Anyway, this has been a long post, so I will bid you adieu. P.S. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow morning and I don't like going to the doctors. I have no really good reason why I don't. I'm not afraid of doctors or anything, I just don't like going. I think I am still self-conscious about my body and my depression. I always feel like I am wasting a doctor's time because I am a relatively healthy person and there are people who need doctors way more than I do... I understand that this is a ridiculous way to think, but it stems from the element of depression that makes you feel guilty about even thinking about asking for help. I'm managing my depression, and to directly combat my tendency to say everything is fine when everything isn't, tomorrow I will be specifically asking for an inhaler. I have been struggling to breathe every time I work out or swim for years. I have a hard time taking deep breaths, and it hurts when I try to take too big a breath. In high school, my gym teacher once came to my side while I was gasping for air and asked if she could go get my inhaler for me. Upon learning I didn't have one, she said I should get one and moved me to the shallow end of the pool (the pressure of the water on my chest makes it even harder for me to breathe). Clearly I have needed an inhaler for some time now, but I've always fallen short of asking for one. But tomorrow all that changes... in theory. I haven't been to a doctor in about four years. Wish me luck.

#hair #power rangers #power ranger movie #Karma #doctors #health #asthma #This is longer than I intended #akf #always keep fighting

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