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roobylavender · 1 year

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do you believe Bruce is emotionally abusive? ik fans prioritise physical abuse and ultimately ignore emotional abuse tactics like parentification etc because it’s not “that bad”. I don’t believe Dick ever resents Bruce for letting him be robin (he’s grateful for it) , but in ntt he mostly resents him for being emotionally closed off, and rejecting him as a partner. Bruce worries for his kids safety so he pushes the whole “if you’re not perfect you’re dead” mentality onto Dick which ultimately is harmful to him. He’ll never regret being a hero but the rift between the two isn’t just a “we want different things” scenario but more that they’re incapable of giving the other what they want.

bruce being emotionally closed off from dick is what’s revisionist about that version of canon though. i think bruce can be bad at communicating sometimes esp when he’s deeply pained (like in knightfall, for example) but for the most part he and dick are shown to have great communication for decades before new teen titans and the adjacent post crisis starlin canon starts to rewrite that dynamic into something else entirely. per that version of canon i do believe he’s emotionally abusive but it’s not a version of canon i particularly appreciate bc it requires overriding the dynamic they had previously where they could certainly be prone to disagree at times but bruce was nonetheless willing to have an open and understanding conversation with dick about whatever the disagreement was. even the whole idea that bruce is responsible for dick believing that he has to be perfect or he has to be dead is one that new teen titans cements (or that issue of batman where bruce makes dick quit and jason is introduced thereafter)

i get that it’s easy to take new teen titans as gospel bc it is in essence the textbook source for dick but i think there should be some awareness too of how it twists that relationship between them and not necessarily for the better. i’m not opposed to bruce having faults he has to answer for. i absolutely agree he’s not cognizant enough of the complexes dick develops as a result of wanting to be seen as an equal, and thereby can’t realize the effect it has on dick for him to still be protective and fearful even if it’s ultimately out of goodwill and love. and there’s also the fact that even if he gives dick the space he desires to lead his own life it doesn’t mean he should be hesitant to reach out bc he’s afraid he’ll overstep by doing so, as a parent he should reaffirm his love for dick regularly regardless of knowing he might get some pushback bc dick is growing into his own (again, knightfall is a really superb example of this). but i also think those are tensions you can wholeheartedly explore without rendering bruce into a controlling and abusive figure, and i’m not sure who it benefits to write bruce as such in the long run

some of dick’s problems have to be his own, and he’ll never escape bruce’s shadow if the only source point of issues in his life is his relationship with bruce. that’s something i would actually apply to the robins at large. hardly any of them are allowed to explore problems entirely unique to themselves and i think that’s in large part bc writers simultaneously portray a mildly to explicitly abusive bruce at their leisure while refusing to ever actually address the elephant in the room that is literally of their own creation. a lot of people believe the bruce shouldn’t be an abuser argument is framed entirely as a resistance to bruce’s character assassination and for me i can admit that’s part of it, but a more pertinent part of it should also be the fact that bruce being written as an abuser is what truly chains his children to him forever to the point that they can never grow beyond that abuse bc writers refuse to allow them to. imagine the problems the robins could be addressing individually in their lives if not everything came down to them being fucked up bc that’s the way bruce raised them or failed to thereby. there’s a lot about the robins as individuals that’s deeply interesting and i think it’s not just a disservice to bruce but to them as well to write the relationships this way bc it obscures their own agency and ability to be explored for more than a haunted legacy narrative

#sry this is so very long. please know it is not me venting at you i simply have many thoughts 😭#but yeah like i think something that gets lost in translation is like. i absolutely do think those portrayals of bruce are abusive #i simply don’t think he should have been portrayed as such to begin with #starlin era bruce is very bewildering for me in all honesty i dislike it deeply #the issue where dick meets jason is one of my least favorite for the way it portrays bruce it feels so out of character for me #considering bruce was more than happy for dick to go off to college or to find his own place with the titans #and even with that famous issue where dick meets bruce after learning jason has died the writing is quite odd to me #i think bruce is very much someone who directs blame and frustration inward as opposed to outward #he’ll let himself get dog walked if he thinks he deserves it. which i think knightfall illustrates fabulously #the beginning of no man’s land as well #what i don’t think he would ever do is lash out at others when he knows the blame lies with himself. bruce is very self critical #so honestly that whole scene in the cave with him and dick. doesn’t exist to me i would literally rewrite it 😭#and i think it is very significant that wolfman chose to recreate that slap three times if memory serves while every other write in bat #editorial at the time straight up ignored it and acted like it never happened. like idk that plus the way bruce was characterized during #knightfall to me says a lot about how that was not supposed to be the status quo at all #anyway. sorry this has devolved into a whole other rant please do not mind me 😔#outbox

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tomatoluvr69 · 4 months

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I think you’re very wise so I’ll ask you: how does one make friends in their 20s. Like I have a friend group and stuff but I’d like to branch out more. Maybe fuck around find love. Who knows. But how …….

I’m pretty floored by this compliment not gonna lie…and I should be clear that I’ve also struggled with finding friends out of college. I wound up moving back to my college town where I had some connections already, but I can tell you what I did to branch out from those people and make new ones? This is just what’s worked for me, and it’s been slow going, but here goes :-) putting it under a readmore because it got really long and rambly hehe

I had a pretty rough summer when, after 5-6 months of my living here, two of my closest friends (literally 2/3 of the people I decided to move here to be near!) moved to other cities in rapid succession & i had a tough adjustment. What I did to heal was to take some time where I was very intentionally kind of scaling back my social life because I recognized that the irrational hurt that resulted from those departures made it so that I wasn’t in a healthy headspace (thinking a lot of thoughts like companionship is pointless, friendships are born to die, my life will be a long and pointless cycle of making friends -> they abandon me for a partner -> make new friends -> they abandon me for a partner). I had the wherewithal to recognize those thoughts as reactionary, and pretty far removed from the truth, but I was still having them all the time. But I gave myself a purposeful fallow period and I think it REALLY helped. I know that’s not your situation but it’s helpful to explain my experience. (And also just to say, see if you can recognize thought patterns and doubts you have around new friendships as fallacious or insecure if you think they are! Challenge them in your head, and correct them.)

Then, in the fall, I found myself opening up again. Because of my little break (I spent a LOT of time with my very close friend, which maybe wasn’t the most ideal for either of us— but we weathered it) I had the clarity to observe what worked for me and what didn’t, and set challenges for myself. I’m a pretty shy person, and the really fucking annoying truth I’ve come to realize over and over again is that in order to have a rich and thriving social life, I must grit my teeth and fight against those impulses nigh constantly. It is not my nature to cold text an acquaintance who’s on the brink of being a friend to make plans for the first time. That shit is scary to me!!! But I have been fucking forcing myself to make that kind of leap. Basically, the rules I have been trying (and oftentimes failing!) to hold myself to:

1. Almost every other young adult around you is also quietly lonely and hoping for more social connections, especially at that post-college stage. People are thrilled to be reached out to. Remember this first and foremost!! Reassure yourself that no one thinks you’re a freak for being friendly.

2. Text first sometimes (often). You HAVE to do this— if everyone sat around and waited to be enveloped into friendships, no one would have any friends at all. Think about how touched you are when someone makes the first move to you— asks for your number, uses it, suggests a hangout. It’s scary and it sucks but then it’s sooo worth it.

3. This one’s controversial…but I have a policy of “yes”. I do not say no to an invitation. And I do not allow myself to cancel unless I’m ACTUALLY ill. No “self care” excuse. No “I’m tired/depressed/long day at work” excuse. The ONLY exception is if I have a rigid commitment already (or if I’m vomiting or have covid which is…infrequent lol). I always go to the scary party, the nerve-wracking dinner at a friend of a friend’s. Sometimes I have a hunch I’ll hate it, and I do. But most of the time I have that hunch I’m proven wrong and very pleasantly surprised at how nice of a time I’ve had. This is how I’ve deepened acquaintance relationships into friendships, because it allowed me to see people a whole bunch of times and get accustomed to them and talk to them little by little and be less scared of them. but it was harrrrrrd, and it took a long time. I’m only now feeling like I’m actually friends with people I met like… 6-10 months ago.

Those are my rules, but basically it boils down to forcing myself out there way more than I’m comfortable with. And honestly, it’s already changing my personality and becoming more easy.

Also re: seeing people again a whole bunch of times. Become a regular somewhere!!! Join a club, my friend is in a writer’s group that has formed some very solid connections, I have friends who meet up all the time in an earth skills sharing capacity. I have a friend in some sort of trans baseball league or something? I’ve seen posts online for like idk a queer craft meetup, a diverse authors book club, affinity hiking groups, etc. A lot of my friends (and sometimes I!) go to a weekly themed night at a dive bar & over time have gotten to know a lot of the other regulars. Is there a bar near you that has a recurrent event that intrigues you? Goth night, dyke night, karaoke? it won’t happen overnight, you gotta go again and again and and again. But find social hobbies, and by seeing people again in the same place, you will first recognize them, then become friendly, then perhaps even become friends.

Now some disclaimers: I’m very lucky to be well positioned as the best friend and roommate of an incredibly outgoing person, who is the type to become a nucleus of any social scene he enters into. People love him, and want him around, and he loves me and wants me around! This makes things much easier for me, and without that connection, I’d be much more isolated! So I guess some advice there is to be on the lookout for the type of person who effortlessly gathers people. Sometimes I think (unfortunately lol) of the biblical phrase “fisher of men”. But it’s quite apt. If you find yourself being fished, go along with it!! Even if you don’t click completely with that gregarious person, the likelihood that you’ll be thrown into orbit with others is high, and you may find people through that. Let them invite you places! Meet their friends!! Friends who have served this role in my life have been absolutely indispensable for me & I try to actively emulate their modi operandi as much as possible

If you have a pretty closed off friend group, you could work on changing that? Another concrete piece of advice (and one that’s brand new to me lol) is to become a host! Have a brunch potluck or throw a birthday at your place. Invite your friends and have them bring along someone you might not know! Invite people you’re friendly acquaintances with. One of the nicest ways to build community is through like casual, open, and recurrent gatherings. Highly, highly recommend low stakes evenings like potlucks & yard fires & movie nights but especially potlucks. Sometimes you gotta be the gatherer if you want it to happen. I’m brewing up a brunch potluck later this month & im forcing myself kicking and screaming to include a few people I don’t know that well, despite the voice in my head that’s like “why would they want to come hang out with YOU…” (see rule one!!!!!). And again, I’m very lucky to live in a very special town with social people all around, but no one is going to come along and create that culture where it doesn’t already exist. Well, they might…but you can either sit around and wait for them to appear OR you can start fostering that community for yourself. I guess the idea is to take the connections you already have and BUILD! :-) I’m happy to hear you have some friends around you already, I’d really encourage you to start holding casual gatherings and make it explicitly clear that you’d love for them to bring people along.

Oh and also, I’ve found that hosting things TOGETHER is a huge help, it’s hard for me sometimes to put myself out there as the person for whom people will be showing up— but I have teamed up with friends to take the scary edge off. Me and my best friend had a combined birthday party last spring despite our birthdays being a month apart. No one cared about that, and we had so much fun with our goofy wacky theme!! And me and my roommates are all hosting a backyard party together at the end of Jan. This is a great arrangement for me as the shy one of the trio lol. So team up, if you and your friend see a tiktok of a theme dinner, or a costume party, or a scavenger hunt you’d like to recreate, toss it out there! Throw the soup party. Throw the dress like your fave character night. Throw the movie night with themed snacks.

My other disclaimer is that I have a healthy and moderate relationship with drinking, and because of that, I can have a glass of wine or something to help me out at a gathering where I feel very scared. They don’t call it liquid courage for nothing. That’s not an advantage everyone has, and I’m not necessarily advocating for it, but boy does it help me feel less like an alien robot when I’m out somewhere. Having a single g&t sometimes makes all the difference between going into the bar where my friend is playing a show and running back to my car and driving home listening to radiohead all alone. Weed has the opposite effect so I avoid it almost entirely lol. Just pay attention to the way substances affect you if they’re rife in your circles. If you’re sober, look for people who do lots of other things other than drinking— easier said than done, I know, but that’s another reason to throw your own little gatherings— they can be dinners or brunches or movies or hikes or museum outings where there’s no need for things you don’t partake in.

Ok the TLDR of all this is a) push yourself by force to put yourself out there. This is unfortunately an iron-clad prerequisite, like it or not (and I don’t like it…). Grab someone’s number, text them first, go to your random nice coworker’s birthday party where you’ll only know the host. throw a potluck so you can gather budding connections together. b) find what you love to do and do it with others, regularly. You don’t even have to like it that much I guess— just find a way to be exposed to the same people again and again and again. c) repeat to yourself over and over and over and over again that people are WAYYYY more receptive than you think they’ll be— they’re fucking lonely! Our way of life is fucking lonely!! And they think WAYYYY more positively about you than you think they do!!! I absolutely promise. I have ABYSMAL social self esteem and am frequently floored by this discovery but it’s very true. But people want me around because I’m funny and smart and kind and unique. And they want you around for all those same reasons, I promise.

And last thing, it takes fucking TIME. it takes forever. It takes practice and discomfort and stomping all over your hard-won instincts and behaving in ways that are terrifying and brand new to you. But keep seeing people, and take the leap of being the initiator, and give it time and effort and you can do it!!!!! Again these are just the things that have worked for me, your mileage may vary! But genuinely best of luck and I would LOVEEEE to hear updates :-)

PS (I hope this (or like any of this answer lmao help) doesn’t sound condescending, it’s not meant to come across that way, I just tend to ramble. And also I tend to forget that other people don’t always have as much trouble with these social skills as I’ve had so if I’m overexplaining that’s why!! Lol) you can rehearse things in your head as much as you want and no one will ever know. I literally have small talk scripts lmaooooooo. I’ve literally used strangers to practice a method of like interviewing people to get to know them where you just continue to ask questions relevant to what they just said. and you could practice saying things like “want to grab some coffee after this?” or like “hey let me make sure I grab your number, here’s my phone!” and no one will ever know you had to practice like you’re in an elementary school play LOL. I’ve learned so many like normal person social skills just by watching gregarious friends talk to people and straight up intentionally emulating them. bc im normal…. And also intentional and borderline saccharine phrasing like saying “I’d love to have you!” Instead of “if you wanna come” or something. Ok actually I’ve rambled on for soooo long now I hope at least a tiny shred of this was helpful :-)

Okay and another quick edit SORRY. CAMPING!!!!!!!!! If you have ANY desire to camp whatsoever DO IT!!!! NOTHING jumpstarts a new friendship like a camping trip, you can like fast forward through literal months of the early stages if you can get your friend to bring a friend etc. and if not, a nice long hike, if that’s something your body’s not gonna scream at you about haha. GO OUTSIDE WITH PEOPLE IM SO DEADLY SERIOUS.

#asks #also it’s funny that I’m perceived as social by tumblr standards bc I frequently feel like one of the shyest quietest ppl in my circles irl #but I’m in like…abnormal circles by national standards. very very lucky #and it really must be emphasized that a lot of the time I’m like…waterskiing on the social clout of my best friend who does this shit #effortlessly #like a recurrent theme for him is ppl telling him he could lead a cult…#i have learned so much from straight up just copying and imitating him it’s actually unreal. i used to straight up be like at a party and #think to myself What Would [friend] Do/Say and it was like a crash course in being charismatic #but really I moved here a yer ago almost to the day and I only just now feel like I have a pretty robust network LOLOL #but I LOVE parties when they’ve got lots o people I know at em :-)#our bday party was Frenchman vs h*nchmen themed btw. it was awesome #im so lucky to be in a spot where I can be very odd and still like…fit in…#I just gave my number to a roommate’s friend so we can process roadkill together. that is not like a suburban Atlanta experience!

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