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wannabecoyote · 4 years

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Sasha woke up, she didn’t remember falling asleep but that’s just every Tuesday for her. Her whole body is sore and lethargic, also a normal Tuesday. What isn’t a normal Tuesday however is WAKING UP IN AN UNFAMILIAR CELL. She very much does not appreciate being imprisoned for god knows whatever reason or at all really. She sat up and tried to practice the breathing exercise she and her friends found.

Breathe in for four seconds. Hold for seven. Breathe out for eight.

Rinse and repeat.

She swallowed once she feels calm enough and looked around the room. She’s very surprised that she isn’t descending into yet another panic attack but she ain’t gonna question her good luck now.

She felt for her phone and breathed out a sigh of relief when she found it is still in her pocket. With trembling hands she typed a message to her friend.

‘dude I could be dying rn. im pretty sure I was kidnapped. no cap. idk where I am. keep my witch stuff.’

She took a picture of the cell and sent it to Dylan.

She pocketed her phone with another inhale to fortify herself. She looked around and found her cell sealed with a laser beam thing. Like a sheet of light keeping her in. Like some real Steven Universe shit.

She walked up to it and tried to touch it. She pulled her hand back with a curse when she was zapped unceremoniously by the rude laser. She started flicking her hand trying and failing to shake the pain off.

She put her singed finger in her mouth and looked around for something that could help her. To the opposite of the laser gate was her cot, a raised platform that comes up to her thighs and padded with cushion. To the right hand side was a sink with running water and a glass near it. She assumed that was for her to drink. All she found that are detachable from their posts are pillows, the glass, and blankets. She walked over and snatched the pillow from the cot to test it against the laser.

She held the pillow forward and slowly touched the other side to the laser. She was startled from this when a something moved in the hallway. She threw the pillow away and focused on the figure that slithering closer to her cell by the minute.

She pulled a face of disgust when a weird hybrid of gorgons, aliens from the movie Aliens, and freaking predators came in front of her. It was very disconcerting.

“Human, you are before your queen, bow.” The talking monstrosity said.

The audacity!

“I’m sorry but you ain’t my queen. My queen is Sappho and you don’t look anything like her,” she said and the guards beside the queen gasped.

The queen’s face distorted in anger. Sasha’s face showed her disgust at how uglier the queen became.

“Eugh, dude seriously ngl you look like someone punched your mother’s stomach when she was carrying you and then when she gave birth to you she somehow dropped you multiple times because she always gets surprised by how ugly you are,” she said with a shrug. If she was gonna die, she’s gonna make the most of what she has right now.

The guy on the left let out a noise that sounded a lot like a laugh. Sasha smiled proudly and gave the alien a wink. It feels good to know someone appreciates your humor. They stepped back a bit, spooked. The queen’s face becomes more distorted but this time she was looking at the alien that laughed.

“You find this amusing? You are nothing but dust in the cosmos. You are nothing. Remember your place [species slur]!” she shouted at them. The poor guy bowed their head and uttered a silent acquiescence.

“HEY DON’T YOU FUCKING SAY THAT TO THEM YOU NIGHTMARE IN ELMS STREET LOOKING ASS!” Sasha shouted. NOBODY, FUCKING NOBODY FUCKS WITH THE ALIEN GUY. HE IS B A B Y.

Both aliens looked at her, one with a look of horrified admiration, and the other with pure contempt in her eyes. Nine of them. Creepy. Why’s it gotta be a fucking odd? Why fucking nine? It’s fucking gross. Eugh.

She was startled out of her disgust for the nine eyes by the sound of someone pressing in the code for her cell…presumably. The laser wall disappeared and the queen loomed ominously over her. She bolted as soon as she can. Narrowly dodging the disgusting snake alien thing that tried to strike her. She took the alien’s appendage and ran. Dragging them along with her to wherever the fuck.

“Why are you doing this human? I am not an ideal hostage, no one cares about me,” the alien said. Sasha’s heart broke with the way that they said it. As if it was something factual. No one should be made to feel like that. If she was gonna escape she’s gonna take this bean with her.

“You are not a hostage,” she said. Behind them the queen is screaming profanities at everyone and the soldiers are gaining on them. “You’re a friend, I can see that you hate it here. You’re as much of a prisoner as I am. We’re gonna get out of here, yeah?” she looked back and her alien friend nodded with a look of disbelief on their face.

“Why?”

“Because they don’t treat you right.”

“That doesn’t have anything to do with you, besides, I will slow you down.”

“Of course it does! I made you laugh, you’re my friend now.”

“What exactly is a friend? You’ve mentioned it twice now.”

“You don’t know what friends are?!”

“I do not. I am sorry,”

“No! Don’t be! I wasn’t mad at you or anything.” She sighed, this is difficult. “A friend is someone that you like, someone you spend your time with. Someone that you can rely on. Someone who can rely on you.”

“…and I am your friend? How?”

“Like I said, you laughed at my joke.”

“That sounds superficial, especially compared to what you mentioned friendship entailed.”

“It doesn’t have to be really deep, does it? I like you because I do. Do you not want to be my friend?”

“It is not that I do not, it is that I do not understand why you would want to be mine.”

“I just do okay? You’re a great dude.”

She looked at the soldiers chasing after them.

“How many?” she asked the confused alien. “Few. There aren’t much.” She nodded and asked where they are as they ran for their lives. They yelled out directions and she followed as best as she could.

She ran faster than she ever has in her life. Adrenaline pumped through her veins. Her alien friend tried but they couldn’t keep up with her. They lagged behind but she wouldn’t leave them. She couldn’t.

They reminded her too much of herself.

So she stood. In front of him. Shielding him from the soldiers that had caught up with them. Her friend told her to run. To leave them. To save herself. She didn’t.

The first soldier engaged her and she punched him. Remembering all those self-defense lessons from tiktok. They were bipedal and has almost the same structure as humans so she assumed they have similar anatomy. Her assumption proved true when the alien she punched in the throat gasped and flailed for air. Her confidence renewed she jumped to the next alien. She tore through them, using everything she has on her arsenal. Her hands, fingers, nails, feet, her teeth, and everything else that she has.

They were fragile. They were easy to destroy. She has cuts all over her body but she cannot feel pain right now. Her friend is looking around at the carnage she has brought with fear in their eyes. All the fight left her body when they looked at her with fear. She moved forward to reassure them that everything was going to be okay but the queen arrived.

She was holding a gun of a sort and she was pointing it at Sasha. She ran straight for the queen, her teeth barred, screaming at the top of her lungs.

The queen expecting her to run was thrown off guard when she slammed against her. Sasha rained punches on her captor. Blindly smashing and hitting. The sound of pounding of flesh and bones crunching filled the air. She did not stop until two arms wrapped around her and restrained her.

“…okay, it’s gonna be okay. It’s alright, you’re alright. You’re safe.” It was a familiar voice. She didn’t know whose voice. She can feel the strength leaving her body. She hasn’t slept in two days.

“Alien… friend… safe..?” she asked, slowly losing her consciousness.

“Yes, your alien fiend is safe.” He sounds like he’s smiling.

#humans are space orcs #humans are weird #humans are space australians #humans are insane #humans are deathworlders #humans are adorable #earth is a deathworld #earth is space australia #aliens #alien #alien friend #friendship #violence kinda #gen Z #i dont fucking know aymore

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doyouevenshipbr0 · 4 years

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gruvia drabble:

author’s note: OK SO a little while ago @lovelocksers posted a GENIUS hc that juvia has probably killed someone before like when she was in phantom lord……. so…… i wrote this to go along w that hc hehe❤️❤️❤️ enjoy<3 also. yes. im reposting this. cus heres the thing..... NOTHING I FUCKING POST SHOWS UP IN THE GRUVIA TAGGGGG its so annoying but anyway yea sorry im re-posting this lol uwu

He was dead.

Juvia hung over his lifeless body, screaming for him. Begging him to wake up. She shook him up and down, side to side, but to no prevail. She needed help. She looked around at her surroundings, and was not granted any sort of comfort. It was just the two of them and the enemy, after all. Hell, Gray didn’t even want her there in the first place. Juvia hated when Gray went on missions on his own, though, and she had a bad feeling that something was wrong. To her dismay, she was right. The enemy was rambling about something, and he had a disgusting grin on his face, but Juvia couldn’t hear what he was saying. It was all fuzzy.

Juvia slowly turned her glance back to Gray, her head was heavy and it pounded. She placed two fingers at his wrist. Nothing. No beat. Only coldness. Just as she suspected.

If only she was just a few minutes earlier. Then maybe, Gray would’ve had a chance. Or if she insisted that she went with him in the first place. But that didn’t matter now. Her vision of Gray was becoming blurred with tears flooding from her eyes. She decided she couldn’t look at his pale face any longer without physically breaking, so she looked back up at the enemy.

Mindlessly, Juvia rose to her feet. It was only then that she noticed the torrential downpour that she was causing.

“So you’re finally done crying and ready to fight?” The man snickered, getting into a fighting stance.

She didn’t waste any time. As much as it would’ve felt great to beat everything out of him, at this point, she only had one thing in mind: revenge. This was exactly as it should be. An eye for an eye.

“Water Lock: Unbreakable.” She swore to herself to never use this spell— this curse, ever again. Not only was it a ruthless spell, but it took a lot out of her as well. One could only cast it if they were confident in that moment that their heart was cold, not a drop of good to be found. She hadn’t cast this spell with such confidence in so long, but she didn’t care.

As her hand stretched out in front of her, an orb of dark water encased itself around the enemy. She watched as he fought and squirmed and did everything to try and break free, but Juvia clenched her hand, and his body crumpled and cracked. As she twisted her hand, so did his body, and although she sadly could not hear him, he was letting out cries of agony.

Gray felt a burn trickle across his body. He finally awoke from his unconsciousness and was met with boiling hot water streaming over his body. It wasn’t just hot water, but it was rain. The rain was steaming hot. The last thing he remembered was his heart slowing down and his body going cold, just as he went limp. He had a feeling his body was shocked back awake by the heat of the water drenching over him.

“Tsk!” He recoiled, and finally sat up. What was happening? Where was he? He was dazed, but he knew the pouring rain was never a good sign.

He looked to his side and saw the back of Juvia. She stood firmly as she had the enemy in her water lock. Except, this water lock was different. It was dark, and menacing. He was still regaining his vision but he could see that her hand that was usually flexed and firm while casting this spell was bent and twisted, which matched the twisting of the enemy’s body.

With what little freedom the man had, he held at his throat, and clawed at it. He needed air. Juvia however, didn’t seem to notice—or mind.

“You—!” Juvia finally screamed. “You took him! You took him from me! You took my everything!”Her raspy voice boomed as she screamed at the man trapped in the bubble. “Now you have to pay.” She finished.

She thought Gray was dead.

And now, she was going to kill him.

“No…” Gray breathed out. His eyes were wide at the sight before him. He couldn’t see Juvia’s face, but honestly, he’s not so sure he would want to. The pain, the infuriation, the anguish, it was all in her voice, and he could only assume her face matched it.

“Juvia!” Gray’s call was weak, but it was there. She didn’t budge, though. The rain was too much. “Shit!”

“Juvia! Stop it!” He called again, louder, but still not loud enough.

Gray looked around, and saw everyone was down. His body was numb from the battle, but at least Juvia’s rain was there to heat him up. He knew he would regret sudden movements later, but he didn’t have time to think about that now.

Juvia’s tears that leaked down her face felt cold. Paired with the rain, her tears were icy on her hot skin. Although it was a weird sensation, this was not all too foreign for her. She had been down this path before. She did what she had to, and while she could never forgive herself for it, she knew she had to move past it.

After this though, she didn’t know what she would do? Could she bounce back all over again for taking another life after so long? Without Gray, she wasn’t sure what she would do.

But it didn’t matter now. Right then, all that mattered was the problem at hand. She has to right the wrong that was done. She watched as the man squirmed, but his movements became less and less as his air lessened.

He was going to d-

A pressure suddenly fell on her back. Familiar arms were wrapped around her shoulders, and she felt a knock of the back of her head, with what felt like another head.

“Don’t.” The word was all she needed. The voice went along with everything else she was feeling. It wasn’t too good to be true. Gray was there.

Without another word, she dropped her hand, and down went the man in the water bubble. He coughed and wretched, gasping for air just before passing out.

Her skin went clammy as the heat of the rain went down tremendously, and eventually came to a complete stop.

“Gray…sama…” Her lip quivered slightly.

“It’s okay. I’m okay.” His forehead was still pressed, firmly against the back of her head, and his brow furrowed against her wet hair. Although the rain and battle stopped, his grip on her didn’t falter.

“Y-you’re-“ Juvia stammered.

“Yeah.” Was all he followed with before Juvia collapsed to the ground. Her knees hit the mud, and she instantly wept. She cried out brielfy before muffling her screams by putting her face in her hands. She had yet to even look at Gray yet, but he was still there. He remained upright on his knees, embracing Juvia’s shaking frame.

“Juvia— Juvia almost—!” She gasped for air, and her chest tightened. Her hand was now only covering her mouth, and her eyes were bulging as she stared at the ground. The last five minutes played over and over in her head on loop.

“Stop. Just breathe.” Gray’s voice was soothing, and Juvia couldn’t help but melt into it. She finally turned around and saw her beloved’s face. After finally being able to look into his comforting eyes, she fell into his arms, this time her chest was pressed up against his.

“I’m so sorry Gray-sama…” She sobbed, and Gray responded with a tight hold on her head, keeping her pressed into him.

“Don’t be. You didn’t do anything.”

“Didn’t do anything?!” She shot up. “Juvia almost took that man’s life!” She cracked

“But you didn’t.” Gray was firm.

Juvia moaned and shook her head. “But I would have.” She was in such pain, and it showed in her voice.

Before Gray could say anything, Juvia continued. “And it wouldn’t be the first time.” Her tone was surprisingly clear.

Gray felt his body tense up at the confession. He was a bit confused, and Juvia read his expression, following with a brief explanation. “At Phantom Lord, you just did as you were told.” She hugged herself and shrugged. “No matter what…” She trailed off.

Honestly, Gray hadn’t thought much about Juvia’s life before Fairy Tail. Now, she lived by the same virtues as everyone else in Fairy Tail, which was not to kill. But she lived 17 whole years before that. Not only that, but she was a member of a dark guild, a group that doesn’t follow any sort of rules.

“Hey, we all have a past.” Gray said, calmly.

Juvia looked up at Gray, her eyes still hurt. “And what about the present? What if Juvia hasn’t changed as much as she thought she has?” Tears dripped onto her hands that were now placed at her knees, and her head dropped.

Gray wasn’t always the best with words. He was always more of an action kind of guy, so he did just that. He wrapped Juvia up once again, this time he had to force her into his chest rather than her falling. She struggled for a moment, but she eventually reciprocated, and wept once again.

“Juvia thought you were dead.”

“I know.”

“Juvia thought…” She sniffed. “Juvia thought he killed you.”

“I know.”

“So…” She paused her weeps. “Does that make it ok?”

Gray wasn’t sure how to answer that, and he didn’t want to lie to her either. He wasn’t the one to decide what it meant to take a life “I don’t know.” He confessed.

Juvia cracked at his uncertainty, folding in even more, crying harder. “But what I do know, is that you are not the person you were in Phantom Lord.” Gray continued.

“You are bright, and kind, and cheerful, and you are easily the most caring and generous person I know.” His voice gained confidence the more he spoke.

Juvia broke, slightly, from Gray, and looked up at him with wet eyes. It was the sight of her face, her red sorrowful face so close to his, that finally made tears rush to his eyes as well.

“Really?” Juvia asked.

“Really.” He nodded. He placed a hand on her forehead, brushing her bangs out of her eyes. “You’re an amazing person, Juvia. We all have our vices. You’re not alone, and I want you to remember that. Anyone at the guild would be more than willing to talk to you about anything, too, because we love having you as a member.”

For the first time in what felt like ages, Juvia gave a hopeful smile.

“If Gray-sama thinks so highly of Juvia, then that makes me very happy.” She nuzzled back into his chest.

“Good.” He topped her head with his chin. “Crying doesn’t suit you.”

“Juvia is so lucky to have you, Gray-sama.” She said sweetly, grabbing at his bare back.

He held onto her like he would never let go.

“That’s my line.”

#gruvia #fairy tail #doyouevenshipbr0 #juvia #juvia lockser #gray x juvia #juvia x gray #gruvia fanfic #gruvia fanfiction #gruvia drabble #fairy tail fanfiction #ft #fairy tail fanfic

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blkmxrvel · 6 years

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Dating Cheryl Blossom Would Include

Warnings: Implied Smut, mention of soqm

a/n: cheryl marjorie blossom[-topaz ;)] has my entire heart and she deserves to be protected at all costs. also, this is my first ever headcanon so i’m sorry if this is completely trash. I tried to make it as descriptive as possible :) I'm sorry it's so longgggg

although you both grew up in Riverdale, you two have never met

you were southside, cheryl was northside

so when southside high got closed down, you were not happy when you had most of your classes with cheryl

cheryl always making snarky remarks about the southside when you walked by

"so i guess showering is another thing you disgusting southsiders don't have the decency for"

you nearly ripped her hair off her head

you ignored cheryl most times

you two getting assigned as project partners in science

not this trope again

"Mr. Henderson, with all due respect, I feel like I should have a partner that can actually help me with this project and not run off to fight gangs"

"Y/N is one of my best students Cheryl, GPA is higher than yours, don't underestimate them. My word is final"

Cheryl picking up her jaw and dignity off the floor

Cheryl being surprised when she realizes you're actually smart.

getting an A on the project

"Is Cheryl always that pessimistic? Like damn I knew she was bad but I didn't know she was THAT bad."

cheryl totally didn't hear that

cheryl apologizing in your next class

shocker i know, you couldn't believe it

you taking her words at face value and saying to forget about it

but you were hurt and cheryl saw that

cheryl suggesting that you two go to pops and talk more, go get to know each other

is it opposite day because what the fu-

You two actually getting along from that night one

You still didn't trust cheryl 100% but you slowly gained feelings for her

hearing a lot of shit from your friends when cheryl asked you out and you said yes

"Y/N, what the hell? You're seriously going to date her after all the shit she's put us and YOU through?"

"I thought it was bros before hoes dude."

Cheryl feeling bad she ruined your friendship

you reassuring her that they'll come around

they aren't that hard hearted

They cared about you and wanted to see you happy

cheryl planning the best fucking dates ever

picnics on Sweetwater river

buying out pops for the night so it was just you two

Taking you to concerts in the city of your favorite artists

Really just the best money and affection could buy

you didn't have as much money as cheryl did but your dates weren't too shabby

you just used your head a bit more

Cheryl loves art right

why not get a big ass board and paint something on it with her

paint was everywhere

faces

hands

butts

but that was perfectly fine for Cheryl

Cheryl realizing she was in love with you that very moment

you being surprised when cheryl said she wanted to go on the southside

"you've seen where im from. I wanna see where you're from. What made you into the beautiful person you are today."

you crying at that

showing her all your favorite hangout spots and places to eat

taking her to the white wyrm on a quiet day

the rest of the serpents warming up to her and seeing she's not as bad as they thought

"I'll admit it, I'll admit it, you aren't that had red. I kinda like you."

Cheryl fully opening to you and telling you everything that's ever happened to her.

You doing the same.

Both of you crying in each other's arms while still still supporting one another.

PDA 24/7

Cheryl wasn't possessive

she was just deprived of affection for so long she's gonna soak up as much of it as she can

holding your hand in the hallway

pulling you on her lap and holding you tight

laying right on top of you like a koala

kisses on the hallway, at lunch, in classes, at practice

there was literally never an hour where you and Cheryl didn't touch

it took getting used to, but you didn't mind it

you defending anyone who talked shit about cheryl

you were tiny, but you could pack a punch, and some words

especially to the sad breakfast club

"seriously what the fuck is your deal? hasn't your mother ever told you to shut up if your words weren't nice? So what if Cheryl's been a Bitch to you? Don't act like anyone of you hasn't been a Bitch to someone else too? Betty? Threatening Cheryl with that tape just so some diner could stay open? I don't want to hear it?" Don't act all high and mighty and call someone shitty when you aren't any better. At least Cheryl has the decency to apologize and try make amends. Learn from her."

scary

you nearly pooped a blood vessel

your face was red and your heart was pounding

cheryl running to you and kissing you with everything that she had

"I love you. My house now."

Who knew Cheryl could be so.... Appreciative and thorough

Cheryl showing you off to everyone and not caring what anyone had to say

Including her mother

cheryl jumped out the car and ran the opposite way when she Penelope was taking cheryl to soqm

you and the serpents going to pick her up before reeking havoc on her mother

calling soqm to get it shut down

getting Cheryl emancipated and sending penelope to jail

helping take care of nana rose

being in love

always having each other's back no matter what. (the serpents too)

#cheryl blossom x reader #riverdale #cheryl blossom #toni topaz #cheryl blossom hc #southside serpents #betty cooper #veronica lodge #wlw #headcanon #lgbt #cheryl x reader #riverdale x reader

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caringisdying-blog · 6 years

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♡7:57PM♡

i’ve been fasting for 22 hours but i feel so tired, hungry, and sad. i want to eat an entire box of pizza and macaroni, but i need to be better than that. my longest fast was about 65 hours, and i want to beat that. i’ve only started restricting and becoming so involved in this last month, approximately a week or more before my birthday at the end of the month. it could be a phase, i could be faking it, but i want to be thin and continue this so badly. it takes 21 days to make or break a habit, analthough its almost been that long i have failed multiple times within these days; eating more than enough because i had thought ‘dear god, theres no point to this. im faking it, why am i doing this to myself?’, but this is what i need to be thin. i’ve been overweight since grade three, and i want to end that streak now. i’m at my highest weight and i cant keep gaining ten pounds every year because i simply didn’t care about what i was stuffing into my mouth. the sounds of my stomach churning and aching for food makes me proud, like i’ve finally achieved something. the side effects of not eating is such an addicting pleasure, it’s so hard but so worth it. but the thoughts of ‘it’s just a phase’ ‘you’re faking it’ ‘you’re trying to force an illness on yourself, that’s not how these things work’ ‘you wanted to have an eating disorder, you can’t get a mental illness simply from wanting one’ make me lose pounds of motivation, is this all just a stupid play? is it for attention? it’s as if there’s an angel and devil on my shoulders, one telling me that i’m doing well, that if i continue this i can be perfect, but the other is telling me that everything about this is scripted and fake, that it’ll fade away in a month and i’ll forget i even cared about how many calories were in an apple. i’m forgetting to separate all these clustered sentences into paragraphs, it looks like a mess, but i’m too tired to organize it. i want to sleep, sleep forever, until i’m beautiful and perfect, but unfortunately that’s not how this works. lots of people suffering of eating disorders had developed them in their younger years, 15 is much too old to acquire yet another mental illness, i’m just trying to find easy ways out and get attention, but i need to keep this up as long as i can, and prove to myself i’m not a faker. i want to be so disgusted by food that i don’t even want to eat it, no matter how delicious it must be. did you know a box of kraft dinner is 800-900 calories? dear god. i used to eat entire boxes in one sitting, and i wondered why i was only gaining weight and never losing. jesus, why is this so long? anyways, i had made the mistake of telling two of my friends and my counsellor that i was starting to have problems with eating, oh how i regret it so much. you don’t tell people about these things, if you do it’s because you want attention. at least that’s what my subconscious tells me. my counsellor! my goddamn counsellor. she didn’t seem too consented about it, since it’s only been a thing for less than a month, but if she asks me about it next time i’ll reassure her that it was just a phase because i was stressed, and reassure my other two friends that it’s not a problem, that it was just a stupid teenage girl phase. i need everyone to think i’m fine, i feel sick after telling people, i can’t do that again. i seriously can’t. god i’m such an idiot, i cant believe i told three people. three. i don’t want to talk about that anymore, my brain already hates me enough. you know what’s disgusting? seeing a girl that’s dying with bones sticking out all over her and thinking it’s beautiful. i shouldn’t think that, and i’m aware, but god, how i wish i would look like that instead of a jawline made invisible by pounds of fat.

oh look, i’m actually separating into a paragraph, go me! i’m getting tired, i’ve been tired since i started writing this and haven’t had the energy to take the time and make this whole, whatever you call it, diary entry, i don’t know, more dramatic with italics and fancy details. oh, and debating wether or not to shower, decisions decisions. do i wanna risk my hair getting greasy overnight or just get clean? first world problems. this is my goodnight to the zero people reading this, or other few people who read one sentence and god bored so scrolled past. goodnight to all you lovely people, sleep well and have sweet dreams!

xoxo, eleanor ♥︎

#tw #not pro just using tags #eating disorder #ed #ednos #osfed #anorexia #pro ana #ana #bulimia #mia #thin #skinny #thinspo

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d-erica · 4 years

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worth living

Life is as beautiful as you can possibly make it out to be.Life is very much taken for granted. But everyones perspective is different. We can deny it as much as we want, but the ugly truth is that at some point almost everyone has sat in their bed in complete darkness and hoped and prayed for a better or just in general a different life. But we didnt magically get that now did we? No. This post is primarily my past perspective on life. I dont know if anyone else has felt or at least thought in this same way, but this is my input. Now I am not going to sit here and write lies saying that my life was consistent of good or of bad. Childhood was really weird and awkward for me. My memory has blocked alot of those earlier days out primarily because I never learned the basics of being in touch with my emotions so yes in elementary i had bestfriends, but what everyone else felt it seemed kind of impossible and foreign to me. I didnt understand the meaning of hugs and of saying the words ‘’ I love you’’. Saying the word ‘’bye’’ always rubbed me off the wrong way because I knew at a young age that when i said that word to my dad before he was stationed overseas in the air force that that potentionally could be the last time that Id be considered ‘’daddys little girl’’. I knew too soon that things couldnt be perfect forever so I already started putting up a wall trying to protect myself from any harm or abandonment. I grew up with the same routine all the way up to high school avoiding certain interactions and any type of physical affection. I came off as nonchalant or as alot of people would refer to me as ‘’emotionless’’. I knew for a fact that I had emotions and some type of heart deep down inside of me somewhere. My comedy made up for the missing aspects of me i guess. At least for awhile. Fast forward to sophmore year of high school. Something in me changed, it was like a switch. Sixteen years of built up anger, disgust, sadness all came and took control over my entire mind,body,and soul. The funny, lively side of me people once loved changed, people saw the drastic change. I knew they knew something was wrong, and alot of people tried their best to uplift me but no matter what they said. I was still me, I was still the only one in my head. I made myself think and feel like I was all in this alone and that i couldnt get pulled out of this rut. I was just so bitter to the world, just so over basically everything. For someone who used to cry twice a year, i started to cry like five times a day everyday of each month in that time frame. These feelings went on for such a long time that I started to hate myself for me being so uncontrollably sad and weak all of the time. My grades in school went down and down. My family life was at the peak of being the worse thing Ive ever had to see. I think i was just overall disgusted with the way I allowed myself to bury myself in my bed and my feelings without seeking or reaching out for help. During the time frame, I lost all ability or energy to go to school, sleep at night causing my extreme insomnia even now to this day, perform my best at my job, be happy in public settings with friends, leave my room to show my face to my family, and mainly stopped eating and drinking appropriately, I lost like fifty pounds just during the time of being so numb and hopeless. My bones became brittle so I could sometimes barely stand without feeling like falling over. This basically just gave people bigger and stronger than me the green light to sexually abuse and psychically abuse me. Everyday it seemed like another thing to break me. Months went by and I just grew tired. Absolutely tired, exhausted, literally depression won over and over again. My mind shifted from feeling utterly lonely to developing to mental nightmares. No matter how much trauma Ive witnessed or been through, my thoughts are what ruined me, No one else did that to me. Only thing that went through my head was how and what was the easiest way i could possibly die, I didnt want this life. Obviously the odds werent in my favor. Obviously I was a lost cause because no matter what loved ones said or did it didnt stick with me throughout my whole day. Therapy didnt help probalby because I sat there stubborn for two hours with blank eyes, they offered prescriptions that seemed like placebo. ‘’ Here take this when you wake up every morning so you can start off with a clear mind.’’ Yall know how hard it is to look in the face of a therapist you had since seventh grade and hold back the words ‘’ Mrs. Witherspoon I dont plan on waking up in the morning, Im really tired you know.’’ I never told her that and couldnt bring myself to say ‘’bye’ because it brought me back to childhood where I knew itd be the last time. I wrote my notes to individual people. I knew what action I was going to take that night to finally put things and myself to rest. I was on the edge of putting myself at peace then like in a split second difference I got a ft call that I didnt answer. Seeing the name of the person made me stop in my tracks though and something told me to check my messages and look at the previous loving paragraphs Ive ever gotten. I just could not continue. I knew the people in my life didnt deserve the heartache and confusion that would be left after my self afflicted passing. I burned the handwritten goodbye notes and went to sleep . I vowed that I wouldnt put myself in that situation ever again. Yes, things in my life didnt magically improve but I did try to look at things in a different manner. Months went past and I wasnt in as a bad place anymore, but I just wasnt fit for some relationships anymore because it was just unfair to give half of me all the time when people did nothing but give me love and sense of patience all the time. I guess there was alot of pressure to be perfect and it sort of started messing with my mind seeing everyone happy and wondering why Im not i guess. People definitely deserve better than what I ever had to offer, I wish nothing but the best for anyone who has stuck with me in the times around a year ago. Fast forward it is the middle of senior year and I am really happy right now. Ive gained alittle weight, I feel beautiful in my own skin, my grades are so muc better. I should get at least three to four cords at graduation from my honor society clubs here this upcoming spring .Isolating myself in a positive way and letting go of bad situations and coping mechanisms was the best decision I have done. Lately Ive been taking one day at a time. This transformation definitely wasnt overnight, it was like a two year process. Even though some things from those times are still hard to think about, im forever grateful for the hardships and obstacles. Life experiences definitely has shaped me into the young woman I am now, I was kind of mature before everything but this definitely pushed me to see clearly and handle things with more thought and overall process of how and when to react. I used to pray that I could have a diiferent life and even though this is not exactly what I meant, It is still really good at the moment. Ive reconnected with some people from the past, and Ive also attracted more people recently who have come my bestfriends, Things do look up eventually. Life is truly what YOU make it.

#selfworth #recovery #mystory

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