#like no I fucking wouldn't. i grew up

[lord-radish]

There's this post I keep trying to write about listening to the mountain goats at work but it comes down to it being the only music I would feel comfortable being "caught" listening to. And that opens up a whole can of worms about where that comes from, which you wouldn't necessarily think - like usually it's like "ahaha I wouldn't be caught dead listening to this" - but it's most of my music taste and I managed to realise where it comes from.

My sister would put me down and belittle me for things like that. Like we used to play a lot of SingStar 80's, but there was one time - like legit the only time in years of us owning the game - where I went to sing "I Want to Know What Love Is" by Foreigner, and she teased me by saying "hahaha, [mallard] wants to know what love is!" and making me feel really embarrassed and shitty for just wanting to play that part of the game.

And that was how she approached pretty much anything that would make me look vulnerable. Like the reason I had never tried to play that song before is because it was something I thought she'd pick on me for, which she then eventually did. She mocked me for YouTube videos I watched sometimes, or for crying at a movie one time. She even managed to turn me saying that I was reading into some weird, gross jeer about how I said I was "breeding", like what the fuck right?

So if I'm at work by myself and I can put some music on, I put the Mountain Goats on because if someone walked in, I would feel less ashamed being caught listening to that than most of my music library. And I like the Mountain Goats, but I hate that I can't let go of that shame or insecurity because it's too much to deal with. That embarrassment is amplified by the thought of being judged as harshly as I have been for my interests and behaviours in the past.

#messyposting #there are times where I've said and done some fucked up things but my entire childhood was enveloped by being bullied #i was bullied at school and then I was bullied at home. and she would go 'i protected you from bullies!' #and to her credit she did protect me a few times. she probably protected me plenty of times I didn't know about #but it doesn't excuse the constant mockery and shame. it doesn't excuse her ruining one of my new years by choking me #it was for like two seconds but it shocked me to the point of silence. which was the point because my excitement got on her nerves #she was a closeted lesbian with undiagnosed bpd - and I'm applying that from like age 8 to her eventual 20s - but it doesn't change things #i feel sorry for her hardships but the treatment I got at home was scarring and horrible #she's not the only source of that - we have a mutual dislike of our mother's partner - but she's a huge factor in it #and she *still* makes fun of me and laughs it off as 'you'd do the same to me' #like no I fucking wouldn't. i grew up #I'm cutting her out of my life. I just am #I used to spend entire days just consumed by these thoughts of fending away my former best friend #as he tries to rationalise his way back into my life against my wishes #lately I've been thinking of telling my sister off and cutting her out of my life #refusing to let her see my home and just screaming at her to stay out of my life #literally all of this started with a Tumblr post about how the mountain goats are a good band to listen to at work. at least to yourself #it was like 'tmg are the only band I like to listen to at work' and I was gonna break down why. and then it hit me why #yeah that's the repressed shame that comes from a lifetime of bullying and being put down and othered all the time #most of all from someone at home because you have no escape

[the-velvet-worm]

actually one of the craziest things about harrow and gideon's relationship is the fact that they're like, unhealthily obsessed with each other but also both think the other does not care as much as they do. gideon literally died for harrow and thinks that harrow hates her so much that she erased her from her memory. harrow lobotomized herself because she couldn't allow herself to destroy gideon's soul. and they're both still just like, "she could never love me." ARE YOU BOTH FUCKING STUPID??????? (the answer is yes)

#like to be entirely fair #if I grew up in a shitty little moon planet death cult I also probably wouldn't be very emotionally intelligent #but they are like. holy FUCK read the ROOM #the locked tomb #tlt #gideon nav #harrowhark nonagesimus #griddlehark #gideon x harrow #harrow x gideon #gideon the ninth #harrow the ninth #nona the ninth

[winepresswrath]

I am BEGGING you to elaborate on how sangcheng post canon is also wwx related (because as I was reading that post I was thinking chengyi was def more wwx related than op assumed but had no additional thoughts on sangcheng) because my grubby little hands need more chengxian to grasp onto

It's honestly not very chengxian flavoured (or is it? i cannot say I have my finger on the pulse of chengxian) I just think that actually if NHS was going to make a move on JC post canon it would be in large part about

a) just wanting to feel something, you know? and look, there's a free jiang cheng just lying around waiting for someone to pick him up. ooooh wwx the devil's got your shidi but that's fine because you're so well adjusted and estranged. this one is very vibes based but I think post canon NHS is emotionally exhausted and a little bit irritated with WWX in ways that could easily snowball via externalized self loathing and lack of anything better to do

b) the thing is NHS did many schemes, including luring Jin Ling to Xue Yang, which I don't know JC would forgive. However JC doesn't know he did that! WWX does know he did that but has no hard evidence and kind of thinks JC hates him and wouldn't believe him. I think there is some real potential for WWX to insert himself into that ship even if sangcheng are just exploring life after pyrrhic catharsis via each other's bodies.

#again if op sees this i love your diagram it is so big brained and sexy i am just addicted to making everything about wwx #out here being accused of being a yanli loves wwx more truther #i was maintaining that she loves them both and jc mostly knows it and also that there's basically nothing she wouldn't forgive him for #when those were unpopular opinions!!!! #she is the only person in the whole world whose love he actually trusts and she earned that. like it's fucked up and sad that she felt like #she had to be his mommysister but she was an amazing mommysister and he knows it and honours it and tries to be a good and giving #presence in her adult life. like he really grew up and said jiejie rights

[butchriptide]

genuinely really frustrating that people will like. choose to accept the age mistake made in assassin as canon for deathbringer when it actively contradicts older material. like. sorry idk if this is me being unfair here but genuinely like. why would you think it's intentional when deathbringer is described in main series as maybe a year or two older than glory at most, and can canonically not be any older than 9 due to stated timeline facts in the main series.

like. I get not liking glorybringer, i really do. no ship is for everyone. hell, even if assassin specifically makes you feel weird about it, so be it, to each their own. i can undertsnad that too. and yes, the glorybringer fans who think the age gap are canon are also in the wrong. they're being really gross, i don't think it's necessary to disclaim that, that feels given, but like... that only comes to my point still of like, i really don't understand taking a spin-off as canon over the main series. i don't really understand prioritizing later content as canon as opposed to the main work over spin-off as canon. why should a spin-off take jurisdiction just cuz it's newer? i feel like the older the canon is, the more likely it is the newer stuff will make mistakes. to me, in the case of a contradiction, the main series should be taken to? a spin-off is meant to supplement the main series, so shouldn't it only supplement canon that doesn't contradict?

like also, i get being frustrated it isn't fixed, but also. like. i obviously have not worked with a publisher before, but if I was writing for fucking scholastic books, no matter how well fucking beloved my series was, I don't know if I could risk being like "hey. can you pull my books from shelves and e-stores for me so that I can edit one line?" Like. I really don't think there's any reality in which I can make a corporation agree to that kind of thing, no matter what that one line may fuck up about my main story. like it's not even the only mistake she makes in the winglets. she calls deathbringer a rainwing in the flip book, but we're not hailing that as canon in retrospect, right? I don't know. I think it's unfair to presume that she's choosing not to fix it as opposed to it being an improbable to downright impossible thing to ask of a publisher. like yes tui is an incredibly successful author but i really don't know if we can presume she has that much actual sway on her publisher.

it's just really exhausting as a deathbringer enjoyer to feel like if I want to talk about and enjoy his character, and yes, that includes context given in the assassin winglet once you ignore the timeline error, i feel like I constantlyyy have to be saying "yes I think the timeline error is an error. no i don't think deathbringer is 13." like. every time i bring him up. i'm a riptide fan I'm used to it but also it's sooooo tiring to go into a character tag for a guy i like and be swamped with hatred for him and it's so much worse for deathbringer than riptide because in the deathbringer tag I have to deal with being actively accused of excusing gross shit for liking him instead of people just saying that my blorbo is boring.

#by nightwings standards deathbringer isn't even a fucking adult. like even when I was first reading the books he never read as an adult to #me. and the assassin winglet only further adds to this for me not lessens. he reads so much as #teenager/barely in his 20s guy who grew up #way too fucking fast for his own good but fully buys into his own narrative that he's got everything sorted and together #the way the age system works as I've always interpreted it is that like. each age up to 7 covers a wide but decreasing number of human #maturity years every time and then slows to the years being one-to-one by the time they're 7 #with 7 corresponding to 18 #which makes the nightwings not counting dragonets as fully grown until 10 the equivalent to how 21 is kind of like being an Actual Adult #law wise in America at least i mean to say #deathbringer can't even legally buy beer yet is what I'm saying. some hotels wouldn't let him check in without an accompanying adult #deathbringer #misc #wings of fire #wof #sorry for complaining in main tag but I'm so fucking tired of being made to feel gross for liking a character over material that #no casual fan of the series is even going to know exists or read that is so clearly a timeline error based on everything in the actual #series that I read #does my joke about him not being able to buy beer make up for it #do you guys still think i'm cool #on the note of publishing too #there's no reason to think scholastic could even make it happen in a timely fashion even if tui did ask for the change to the books. like. #looking up working with scholastic reviews some of the most common negative reviews are about poor management #i'm not trying to white knight for her or anything i think she's a flawed human being like anyone else I just think if ur gonna critique he #you should do it about stuff that's like actually poorly handled in her series. not a timeline error in a spin-off. like. come on.

[cliffburton]

i don't think i'm a butch. LOL

#it's the most accurate way to describe the way i relate to the world and myself but it feels too much for me #like. idk. maybe my idea of butch doesn't encompass myself #maybe it's that i'm too young maybe i'm just a tomboy still. #but if im not butch ig ill grow into one #i'm a lesbian! this post isn't abt that and there's no questioning to my lesbianism anymore. #i guessssss you can describe me as 'masc' but idk i don't like calling myself that. idk why. #i don't give a fuck abt makeup n dresses n all that shit that's expected from women. i grew up watching makeup tutorials #and that made me realize that it's too much effort for something idgaf abt!!! #and i base my clothing decisions on comfort snd metal dudes. #i think i am/will be butch if i view myself from another person's eye but i wouldn't have come up with that way of calling myself on my own #....which... well‚ there's a whole discussion on what self description means and how much weight it holds... #but that's. Whatever. #incantations #borrar luego

[spokelseskladden]

Ugh I'm not ready for the polar nights again, can't believe people live further north than me and has to deal with this bullshit for longer

#if anyone comes for me‚ even if you like being awake at night polar nights are still fucked up ok #it messes with your head and makes you sick‚ and not seeing the sun at all for ages will literally kill your spirit I'm not fucking around #people down in south norway think they can deal with it but hello! even the people who grew up here can't handle this! #i know some of us who grew up like this that moved even further north to Finnmark and had to come back down #because their health took a major hit. i wouldn't personally move down to the south but i get it if you don't want to move here #it's insane that we're even here to begin with i lack vitamin d at all times like i legit can't get my levels up

[cimeriansparrow]

My mom got mad at me this morning bc "I never talk to her," but every time we try to really talk, it turns into a massive fight (guess what happened 15 minutes ago)

I can't even ask questions without them eventually leading down a road where she keeps cutting me off and begins to yell at me. Obviously I'm taking a tone with you. Not only am I literally just speaking to you in the way that you speak to me, but being spoken down to for 22 years really teaches you that it doesn't matter How I speak to you, you won't ever Listen. Idk. I'm tired of living in a house where I can't even try to talk to my parents about the smaller stressors that I have.

Tried to bring up what's been going on the past few months bc she accused me of being depressed and lazy and. Yeah. I was depressed for 3 months. Thank you So much for noticing. It really speaks volumes to me that you didn't say anything about it while I was going through it?? I tried explaining that a new medication (that she knew I was taking!!! I told her when I switched to it!) Was causing me immense brain fog and seriously scary suicidal ideations that I did nearly act on.

And she got pissed and started yelling bc I never talk to her, and when I asked her to stop yelling she told me that she's gonna yell because she shouldn't be made to feel like this in her own house. She just went through a massive surgery and she's had to walk on eggshells around us when we should have been taking care of her (which we did. And it fucking tears me apart that she doesn't realize how much of my own life I've given up already to make sure she's been taken care of) and she's done with tiptoeing around all of us and she just kept going and going and going and going and going because she doesn't actually ever know when to fucking stop.

No shit we don't talk. Every single time I try to talk with you it ends up like this. With me trying to calm down after stepping away after you've accused me of some wild shit and when I come back to try to talk normally you're still yelling. In fact, you're more incensed than before.

For some reason she thinks adhd medication will fix everything. Like it's some sort of cure all and I don't have a decent handle on it. And every time I bring up that I've done some research and I feel like I might be on the autism spectrum she tells me that's stupid and people are making a trend of it and that's why I feel that way and I shouldn't think that because none of us (myself and two younger sisters) are autistic.

If none of this makes any sense to anyone reading, know that that's how Every Single conversation with her goes. If she's not in a good mood she's going to bring you down to her level of emotion. She will make it about her through the stupidest methods possible, and after being emotionally manipulated like that my entire life it's hard to see exactly what's going on because she comes at you so fast.

#my post #i know that I'm already forgetting things about it bc every time this happens my brain is trying to protect itself i guess #so i block out what went on so that i can continue living in this shitty ass fucking house with these shitty fucking people #and i try to avoid them most of the time and that's still not enough #because then it gets me in trouble later #i don't know what to do anymore #i can't live here but i can't leave #like i literally can't leave. #i don't have the money and no one will take care of my stinky awful cat that i wouldn't be able to bring anywhere with me #and i like my room #and i know that's stupid for everything i have to deal with but i finally created a semi safe space for just Me #(and the cat. i want her litterbox out eventually so my room won't smell) #but i finally have my own space #i grew up sharing a room and people always barge into my area but it's My Area #i don't want to leave that im worried that they'll get rid of all of my things if i have to leave some stuff behind #I'm too stressed for this to be a safe environment to keep living in though #i don't know what to do #I'm scared

[cursedthing]

.havign lots of thoughts about how npcs are portrayed learning about the nature of their universe in works

#ines screams into the void #.most of the feelings were thrown onto evan since like. i dunno feels like a lot of the works like that write the npcs as fi the npcs- #.are actually people from outside the game transported into the game and have points of refrence about this whole thing and react how ''rea #.people'' would react to learning that they were inside a video game #.when really the npcs would prolly react closer to just going yea okay. since that's their world. they have no other world. that's their #.universe. and now they ave a little bit more info about their own universe #.yea they could have an existencial crisis if they knew what it means but also like #.''ooooh that means that i'm not real'' uhm. yea they are. they still are. that world is real from their perspective and continues to be #.real even after the learn about this #.from OUR perspective they aren't! but from theirs? yea! they are! #.also it9 s not like they would instantly know everything about how video games work even if they had no prior knwledge of that #.why would they try to change the fact that they're made out of lines of code #.that's like being mad and wanting to change the fact that they're made out of atoms #.except in their case it's ones and zeros in a computer #.PLUS!!!!!!!!! IN SOME CASES!!!!!!!!!! MAYBE THEY DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT VIDEO GAMES OR COMPUTERS ARE!!!!!!!!!! #.IT ALL DEPENDS ON WHAT SORT OF WORLD THE VIDEO GAME PORTRAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #.IF THE WORLD HAS COMPUTERS IN THERE THEN THEY KNOW A LITTLE BIT MORE! #.IF THE WORLD IS MEDIVAL THEY WOULDN'T FUCKING KNOW SHIT! #.once again pointing at evan and how we threw bunch of our feelings about this onto her #.since like he grew up in a world post combine invasion and like. technoglogy isn't really the best #.like barely anyone has any access to it other than the combine and all that jazz #.so she doesn't know what video games are. maybe has heard of what computers are #.she learned about being in a video game but to him that's the same as learning how our solar system travels through the galaxy and physics #.it's just another little detail about the world thta may explain some things. or maybe it doesn't #.when facing with her code she sees it as her dna. yea she's reading it but she deson't understand a thing in it #.maybe some fragments maybe not #.just like how everyday people wouldn't know how to interpert dna if they already haven't studied about that subject #.and when him getting corrupted. she doesn't know what happened. he just knows that something did. but she can't do anything about it #.and instead just learn how to navigate the world with more difficulties #.like how one would with a pernament injury

[unhonestlymirror]

Maki can be called the strongest or whatever, but she will always be a too shitty older sister to me

#im saying this as someone who used to be a shitty older sister. i hope.... #to me maki is the definition of a bad older sister. #i feel like i can't even explain what exactly she did wrong to Mai but... it's just wrong. #and by wrong i mean something she could have actually done in her situation- but she didn't. #the story wants us to think that Mai is the reflextion of Maki - but yk what? she is not #Mai is the whole damn separate character #naoya however can be called a reflection of Maki #jjk thoughts #after all the things Mai told her in the forest - #how could have Maki be EVER surprised by the fact Mai went with her on a suicide mission? #this is straight up blind arrogance #just like naoya has #even Maki's MOM knew Mai went there - and that's why she tried to stop Maki in her own way #she didn't want to lose her daughter #I am sorry I hate characters who communicate through violence only #OF FUCKING COURSE YOUR MOM WOULDN'T ANSWER YOUR QUESTION MAKI #YOU SHOULD HAVE KNOWN THAT YOU GREW UP IN THE SAME SOCIETY #why couldn't Maki understand that??? #how can you grow up with your mother under the same roof - and to not try to understand her even a little? #the same with Mai #Mai was the first one EVER who straight up said what she felt #i respect her for that #but Maki still thought - ugh she chose the wrong way and I chose the right way - when there was no wrong ot right way EVER #it doesn't mean Maki is wrong. it means she should have tried to listen to her sister #the only time she actually listened was when Mai FUCKING DIED #this is just. so shitty older sister behaviour. #you can disagree completely with your close ones - but you should always give a try and listen to them when they need your support #otherwise you just don't perceive them as your close ones? #Maki reminds me of my mom. #She regrets only when her close one dies - but even then she doesn't change herself

[cinna-bunnie]

bleh

#having a bad morning tbhhhh #i envy the ppl who grew up here :| it's so much easier to make friends when u went to school w ppl and grew up with them #i have been here since 2016 and was just trying to get stability the first 3 years financially/housing-wise. #and when i was Finally ready to start making friends the pandemic happened. #the closest thing I've had to friends were made thru my ex and when we broke up they ghosted me. #to this day i have not made a single genuine friend and i can't articulate how hurtful that is to think about. #and i get excited when i might have a new friend but do the audhd balancing act where i tone myself down so i don't scare them away #but then idk. maybe i just come off as uninteresting or indifferent. idk what the perception of me is bc no one ever tells me anything lol. #i just get ghosted a lot 😭 it's Literally so much easier to find ppl to fuck than it is to find friends. idk why this is so hard but it's #frustrating. everyone has lukewarm interest in me at best and i have so much to offer when I've opened up to someone. #and i can't rly talk w ppl about how I'm feeling. and i can't do anything but keep trying over and over or else i WILL fr have no friends. #it's just. like. I'm not a normal person w normal circumstances and interacting w people who already have a ton of friends and stuff #going on is hard. there's like this burning desire for companionship in u as the person NEEDING it that no one else has #bc they already have it yk? ur just kind of a footnote on everyone's day/week. u don't have that kind of relationship where #u can Just Go Over or just have ppl over. ppl can hang like once a month maybe. i hate it here but also don't want to leave :| #everything is great except trying to make friends. idk i just wanted to vent lol I'm done ranting and might just delete #but this feeling wells up inside me and some days is so hard to ignore 😭 #'i have been here since 2016 and don't have a single genuine Friend' what the fuck 😭😭 #ik that wfh doesn't Help but i wouldn't be able to get anything done in person in my position lol. plus it's less about where ppl are #and more about how relationships (dont) develop past a certain point. #i have someone I've been talking with probs longest out of everyone so far and we're gonna hang this weekend #but I'm also perpetually afraid I'm gonna scare them away or something and be back at square 1 😭 #and idk im afraid that might translate into seeming shy or something and I'd hate for them to lose interest anyways ._. #but idk how much of that is valid vs my brain just being mean to me and paranoid over my other experiences. #anyways... yea thnx for reading if u did. i feel crazy 😮‍💨

[west-tokyo-incidents]

Sits up

Paresse and Mizho discovering that Paresse was the original ultimate evil before Vice wakes up in the modern era and basically declaring war on him and intimidating the other sins into following them, but he ultimately treats them better than Vice would. so after Vice wakes up and calls the sins they just don't fucking show up.

Until a very, very pissed off Paresse appears with his master and the six sins behind him.

#gang violence au #/j #also in this au Paresse absolutely kills Iruma and Jealousy has a different master #cause Paresse wouldn't tolerate him #kaizo is easy to intimidate and manipulate #fusataro is pretty and also has the fucked up background #but this is very much modern evil-douji-form-a-gang type idea #cause like i know we talk abt mizhos mom but i usually hc her as an orphan who grew up dealing with yakuza/gang violence #tho ig with a neglectful mom that could still work #idk! i just like the idea of Paresse and Mizho running this gang of punks and Vice going 'ooooh shit.' #Youtube

[killerchickadee]

I do remember that, yeah.

I also remember the text above from 5 days ago when my grandmother died and you didn't say a single fucking thing about it. And then went on Facebook and posted pictures of you and your stupid wife putting up your christmakkah tree.

Jesus fucking christ are you serious right now?

#what the actual fuck is wrong with my family???????????? #christ i know you left my mom 20 years ago but a little basic compassion goes a long way you shithead #on that note when i called my boss on sunday to tell him i wouldn't be in monday his reaponse was awwww did your grandma die? #said it in a baby mocking voice #like I'm mostly ok BUT WOULD IT KILL PEOPLE TO BE NICE TO ME? #i keep thinking about her frail tiny body just giving up #about how my mom said all she's done the last few months is sleep #i have more memories of growing up with this woman than anything else #like i can't remember doing things with my mom but we basically grew up at my grandparents home #like most of my best memories from when i was a kid was at her house #and she's dead and i just want people to be nice to me! #i don't think that's asking too much! #am i losing my fucking mind?

[kkujo]

school is so weird... you see the same people in the same building five days a week for the best part of a decade and even if you're not friends you know their names and faces... and then one day school ends and you just. leave. and never see most of them again ☹

#thinking about all the people who touched my life who i'll never see again #wondering about my impact #do people ever think about me #the guy who would play chess with me at lunch when my friend group started excluding me.. #the girl who came and sat with me at prom to watch the firework display even though we'd never spoken before because i was sitting alone.. #the way people impact you and then they're just gone forever. sickening #but people are kind and good. like. i have faith in humanity #there were mean people too obviously but. there's always kindness #anyways just thinking about that. like. the people i grew up with. i wasn't friends with most of them but we watched each other grow #some of the people in my class had been in the same classes as me since we were 4 ☹ and then one day you're grown up and they're gone #that prom thing was important to me tho bc prom night was literally the last time i saw everyone #bc i finished my exams the week before so. aside from going in to pick up my results #prom night was the last time everyone in my year was together ☹☹ and then i just never saw anyone again #i hated school but i miss it so much. most confusing nostalgia ever #i didn't want to be there and i was so happy when i finished and i wouldn't go back if i could #but it hurts bc i missed out on so many experiences and just being around people.. i miss it #starting college (uk college not university) in september so maybe i'll be able to heal a bit #bc getting sick and dropping out of school ☹ being stuck in toxic friend groups and never having proper teenage experiences ☹ #kinda fucked me up i'm ngl ☹ #(no surprises by radiohead playing) no it's fine. it's fine #the way you spend so long in one place... with the same people... and then it's just gone. fuck 🤦‍♀️ #even if you didn't like the place or the people... it aches in such a weird way omg.. #i literally couldn't drive past my school for a bit bc. i used to get up at 7am & go there every day. and now i don't. does this make sense #ok to rb

[crimescrimson]

First and final warning guys! Don't tag my stuff with any type of Cleon tags please! Someone just did and the ship makes me very uncomfortable! I don't like blocking people because of this kind of thing but I have and will do so if you refuse to listen to me. It's the one and only boundary I have for now when it comes to my gifs, please respect that!

#Crimson's Announcements #Anti Cleon #i literally put please don't tag as cleon in the tags of that post and i fucking knew someone wouldn't listen to me #it makes me so sad to have to block people because of it but again it's just one basic rule #i don't think im gonna gif claire and leon together again for a while #just in case someone actually is curious why i don't like the ship #I grew up with Ada and Leon in RE4 and 6 being pretty much the poster for romance with their grand gestures of saving each other #and aside from Aeon being the front and centre ship muse for me #I've had pretty bad experiences with cleon stans who almost couldn't help but put down Ada #so essentially it comes down to my personal preference and also bad experiences with people who can't respect my own opinions and decisions #i'm not going to judge you for liking cleon as its everyone to their own #but for the love of god #just respect my decision to not want anything to do with it #i paralleled claire and sherry with ashley and leon to show that leon got to save someone in the end #because in re2r he couldnt save a single person out of the 7 he meets and then he said in 4r this time is gonna be different #and it was!! #Not to ship claire and leon for gods sake :((

[anarkhebringer]

Day infinity of my mother reinforcing why I have a personality disorder.

#negative #TLDR she lost her shit at me for daring to rightfully assume she's accusing me of things when that's her default #she ALWAYS does it even in the most menial conversations she's always like ''don't get offended BUT'' with the dumbest shit #and then when I interrupted her as soon as she started and left she accused me of ''running when we have heated debates'' #and then proceeded to scream about it to herself for like 5 minutes #if she weren't the sole controller of the money and it wouldn't ruin us financially if she died right now... I shan't say it #3 of her 4 kids have wanted her dead as we grew up and 2 of the 4 still hold to that desire #and it's because 1 of them fucked off to Kansas and cut all contact and realized she missed bumming things off my mother #my older brother and I are so sick of her but we can't leave #like when she was dying of sepsis a few years ago I was the only one to do anything and it was only when I walked by the room #my older brother just closed the door on her and was gonna let her die in there #she took herself to the ER that day and died #but they brought her back #she deserves it she truly does she's ruined our lives in new and creative ways as we've grown up and we can't do a thing about it #since we're all disabled and rely on her as our carer in a state that regularly murders disabled people in the inpatient care facilities #so my older brother and I are doing our best to not kill her ourselves by making her as miserable as possible in return for her ''love''

[disorderly]

.......

#vent #vent in tags #I realized how triggering it would be to go to psychiatrist / therapy appts with my brother #for some reason I feel invalidated having to talk about someone else's trauma because the attention is not aimed at me #when I have a lot of my own trauma to deal with. but we grew up in the same house so idk why I feel that way ..... #I don't think my brother will easily open up to someone without me there to kick things off a little though #he did get along with one therapist I think but that was because they were trans...and my very wise mom decided not to go back #and her reason was because it was a long drive and she didn't like the therapist 😍 #like great! put your own comfort before your childs...the one who will actually be speaking to the therapist.. #if you can get my brother to open up to someone why THE FUCK wouldn't you take the opportunity...I don't know #I've realized my parent's don't prioritize much if it involves our health in anyway so