#like. to be clear this was the first time i've been literally anywhere but doctor's appointments in 4 years

[dazais-guardian-angel]

went to my first con in 4 years on Friday to meet Kaiji Tang and got a Dazai autograph + video recording of him reading to me. He was the sweetest person (as I knew he would be) and interacting with him was lovely, but also at the same time oh boy it sure was an extremely stressful, ugly wake-up call of what it feels like to live in a world now where everyone around you has blissfully moved on from covid and can enjoy things normally and happily, while you'll forever be trapped in a hellscape of perpetual fear 🫠🫠🫠

#like. to be clear this was the first time i've been literally anywhere but doctor's appointments in 4 years #not just because of the pandemic but because of mental and physical exhaustion #so it was a Big Mistake to go from 0 to 100 and not ease myself into it at all #but at the same time........ it was a fucking hellscape of people. i don't think any kind of buildup could have prepared me for it at all. #it was so much less crowded in 2020 (ironically the very last place i ever went; literally on the BRINK of covid) #and now idk what it's become. a monster con. it was unbelievable. #but i was only there for less than an hour but i was so so so terrified that i very nearly left before even seeing him #i couldn't even fully enjoy meeting him as kind as he was because i was so anxious and distracted #and when i got back to the car i just fucking cried......... #the last five days i've just been sitting in fear waiting to feel Any sort of symptoms #i wore two masks and again was barely there for long but Still #and everyone around me was so chill as if everything was normal and No One was wearing a mask :))))) it's not fucking fair man :))))) #insert the 'they don't know' meme; they don't know how much covid can destroy your body even if you get a 'mild' case #i would never want to be that ignorant even if i wasn't disabled and didn't have reason to worry (but everyone has reason to worry!!!) #but also. ignorance is bliss and it just really fucking sucks man. #it really fucking sucks. why do they get to be happy and enjoying life and not /me?/ #why can't i do just ONE thing for myself without having it tainted by anxiety and fear that i'm going to die horribly??? #while they get to do fucking EVERYTHING??? #if they all just wore masks we could all enjoy ourselves much more comfortably than some of us are now #but no that's too much to ask from people 🙃🙃🙃 #shit sucks man. the world sucks. something that should be a happy memory for me was simultaneously the most awful experience #and i don't know how to feel about it now that it's over #he knew that i was afraid and at the end he told me that he hoped to see me again at another event someday #and that made me cry because it felt like dazai telling me to live. and i want to. but i don't know how to when the world is like this now. #i desperately want to be able to see him again someday but right now after how terrifying that was i never want to go to a con ever again.. #i wanted to ask him things about the manga and about dazai but i was being rushed and stressed so i couldn't ugh #(and doing that is hard enough anyway cause disability and i have to talk with my phone bahhhh) #at least i was able to give him my note *sigh*

[enigmatist17]

Helping Hand

So I've been playing with the Stardew Valley Expanded Mod, and Morris kind of grew on me.

Also, I wrote a fic a very long time ago, and hc the farmer you make is mute.

--------------------

When the superiors at Joja Mart laid down their displeasure at losing Pelican Town, Morris was cut loose within the week. No one came to work anymore, the villagers all ignored him, and then a freak storm literally destroyed the building.

Morris had been on the rocks before, but this was an entirely new low. Without income, his pitiful savings that he would normally put back into the store was draining fast, and homelessness was soon a real worry.

However, salvation came from the one person that seemed to cause Joja Mart's entire downfall.

The farmer noticed him picking through what remained of the store one day, and offered him their canteen of coffee. He wanted to reject it, but having sold his coffee maker to stretch his money, Morris took it and downed it within seconds. The farmer didn't seem phased, instead handing him their entire lunchbox before heading off to do Yoba knows what.

It was his first filling meal in days.

Morris eventually salvages what he can, and realizes one day he'll no longer be able to afford the bus to come back to town. No one around wanted to hire him, which wasn't terribly surprising with how hard he had pushed Joja. A company he thought had his back, a company he thought cared, and now it hit him that no, no matter what he did they just tossed him aside like garbage.

He sits at the bus stop, feeling miserable for himself even as the farmer stops by. They look concerned, and for some reason, Morris just spits out all the words that he'd internalized.

"I'm about to lose my home."

The farmer looks shocked, then horrified, and Morris is waiting for the sneer that never comes. Instead, the farmer pulls out their notepad and scribbles down something before handing it over, along with some money.

Go pack your things, and then come to my farm.

He wants to argue, but knows his stubbornness won't really get him anywhere. So he takes the trip home, packs up, and returns the next day. Pam seems surprised to see him with bags and goes off to gossip as Morris takes the short walk over to the farm. It's a nice place, some chickens scurrying around him as he makes his way to the main home. The town doctor is sitting on an outside bench, and while clearly a bit weary, motions for him to head on inside.

"We have you set up in our den, my dear has gone to see about arranging your own home for the time being."

A home?

There's a curtain partitioning the den from the rest of the open house, giving Morris some privacy he was extremely grateful for. It's clear the futon spread out had been hastily placed, but when Morris was expecting to sleep in a barn, it was a welcomed sight. He spends most of the day just sitting on the futon, before he's dragged out to join the doctor and farmer for dinner. Harvey, his name is Harvey, interprets for Morris what the farmer is signing, saying Morris is welcome to stay until he gets something figured out.

"Why are you helping me?" It sounds a bit rude, but the farmer just smiles.

I used to work for Joja, and I know. You were just doing your job.

It was nice to hear such kind words.

True to their word, a decently sized cabin is set up near the pond located on the farm. It's strange to just be handed this, but Morris isn't complaining as he lays down on a real bed for the first time in a few days.

It's nice, just to be able to have someone he could truly count on.

A friend.

#stardew valley #sdv #morris #morris sdv #sdv farmer #sdv harvey #dr harvey #stardew valley expanded #I just #I feel the poor guy #he literally sleeps under his desk #like :(

[disdaidal]

I can't remember the last time I've cried this hard, but I guess it was time.

So my new school is pretty much now pressuring me to find a place to train at, which is not stressful at all, because the workplace I went for an interview last week hasn't returned my calls or my email, despite the principal initially seemed genuinely interested in my application.

Thing is, I wouldn't be this stressed out at all but my new teacher made it pretty clear today that next week is gotta be the deadline for that contract - otherwise my studies really aren't going anywhere.

I also missed my doctor's appointment yesterday because I missed the train. I had to wait for that appointment for 3 fucking months, and because it's related to my financial situation (I'm really trying not to get more student debt, especially with the way how I've been and how I barely managed to keep my shit together during pandemic). Luckily I was able to talk on the phone with her and the social worker, but my new appointment was rescheduled at the end of the month. I also talked to my nurse on the phone a little after that; a nurse who I haven't seen in the last six months because all our appointments have been cancelled at the last minute. So I got a new one in September.

My sleeping schedule has been pretty much fucked up all July-August, and for the last two days that I've been going to the city and attending these classes, I've slept like 6 hours in total these two days. Both days I've come home feeling extremely drained (besides those 6 hrs in total, I napped all evening yesterday). And last night I slept something like 2 hours before school and when I finally got back by train a couple of hours ago, I tried to sleep on the train but I felt so nauseated that I thought I was gonna hurl. Needless to say, my car ride back home was all but fun.

When I finally got home and laid down in my bed for a while, I started crying. Like I know it's probably because I've literally slept like 2hrs last night and it wasn't even a deep sleep, so, think I've just had it. My body and brain couldn't take it anymore.

But when I was on the train, I was going to call the school's office (the one I went to that interview for), but naturally their calling hours had already ended at 2pm. I also thought about sending another email but like I said, I felt extremely tired and anxious; making more phone calls and sending more emails when I'm feeling this way really isn't the way I want to go again. Especially since I already tried both on Monday when they were supposed to inform me last Friday, and I haven't got any response since. Which is not very nice to be honest (my new teacher did comment it's kind of unprofessional of them, and I gotta agree a little bit there).

But seriously, the only thing that's even made my last two school days tolerable, were the other students in my class. I kind of took up smoking again (bad habit I know) because of all this stress and shit that's been going on with me lately, so at least it was an easy way to get to know some of our other students, and got to spend some time with them, so at least I didn't have deal with my worries all alone. Our Moroccoan student (whom I've talked a lot with; I got along with him already on our entrance examination on May) tried to encourage me today when we were smoking, and even said I could try and apply to the same place he works at - which is working with immigrants mostly. Since I did choose international studies as one of my optional subjects, that could also work, because sooner or late I'm gonna have to work/train at a place like that anyway.

But obviously my first and foremost goal right now is try to find a place near where I live because obviously traveling isn't cheap, and I might indeed have a couple of places around here in mind that I could ask for training opportunities.

In any case, if I don't get an answer by tomorrow (we'll have another long school day so I probably won't have any time to be making extra phone calls anywhere), I think I'm just gonna ditch this thing and start calling other places on Monday.

If this is how it's gonna be and I'm on a strict deadline here, I don't suppose there's any other choice. I'm not willing to give up just yet - though I admittedly thought of that for a moment, too. Since I've become somewhat depressed lately again, clearly, and that must have something to do with my bpd. Which is fucking *nice* because right now I'm supposed to be active and efficient so I can actually get shit done and get my studies properly started - and yet right now, I'm feeling all but that.

So I guess I'll go to another class tomorrow - we have a special day anyway as we're visiting a local museum at the end of the day, so. Maybe I can try to forgive myself for being the way I am and give this whole thing a rest until weekend. And if the teacher asks about it tomorrow as she might, I'm just gonna say I'm going try again on Monday.

Cause I really don't see any other choice right now. But again, I'm really not lying about this. I'm not feeling my best right now, and this kind of pressure and stress is not doing me any favors.

#personal #a vent i guess #i'm kind of losing it right now and barely keeping it together #i guess #i don't know yet

[butterflyintochains]

Long Distance No Longer

Or, the Tangerkarlsson ficlet I've been ruminating over for three days, but haven't felt well enough to write. Anyway, here's what happens when Erik finally arrives in the Steel City. Enjoy!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Kris can barely believe that this has finally happened when he opens the NHL app for the first time since he arrived back in Pittsburgh. Stuff like this doesn't happen to him, right? He's never been so lucky in his life. Surely this is some fake news headline to grab attention, right? But, this is the NHL site, the site dedicated purely to the sport and nothing else. All these painful years apart could be over literally today, permanently if the story is any hint at the contract. No one's in the group chat, why would they be? No one else knows about them yet. Just Flower, but he's not a Penguin anymore, not in the playing sense anyway. Flower, accordingly, does text him right then.

Flower: Go, go get him, mon ami. He'll be there. Go get him.

PPG Paints, his home from home, his kingdom, not too far away. But, it's all too much. Aware of his heart, he does the breathing exercises his doctor taught him after the first stroke, downs the last of his coffee, and grabs his keys. He drives down to the arena, cursing under his breath at some slow drivers he gets stuck behind. Don't they get it? Erik fucking Karlsson is here! Here for him! Finally, he gets shot of the slow people, and turns down the road to the arena. He parks in his normal spot, seeing another car a few spots down, he gets to the door. Security buzz him in, the air feels different once he's inside: lighter, happier, less... lonely. He prays Kyle and the rest have cleared off, he wants Sid and Geno to know before management do. The gym is empty, so is the dressing room, the rink is being set up. God fucking dammit, he knew he was getting his hopes up. Last place, the dining area. Finally, he finds him.

Erik is finally here, they're finally together. ''Well, hello, hjartat mitt.'' He says, and that's all he needs. They finally embrace each other. It's dizzying, all these years apart, finally over. ''I can't believe you're here, amour, after all this time.''

Erik runs his fingers through Kris' long hair, he's always preferred it like this, for more than one reason. ''I'm here, alskad, and not going anywhere.''

Kris kisses his other half softly. ''I'm glad to hear that, tresor.'' They sit down together, hands still locked together over the table, Erik relays the breakdown in his relationship with San Jose. ''That team is just a lost cause, Kris, too far away as well. I should've never signed there.'' Kris says, rubbing circles onto the back of Erik's hand. ''Don't beat yourself up, Erik, we made it work, didn't we?''

Erik changes the subject a bit. ''Do Sid and Geno know about us yet? Have you told them?''

Kris says. ''No, they don't know anything yet. Now you're here, we can tell them in our own time, I guess.'' He takes a deep breath. ''So, you ready to get home?'' He asks Erik, hopefully.

Erik beams, and nods, brown eyes glassy. ''Yeah, I'd like that.'' They head out together, and get back in their cars. Kris leads them home. Once they arrive, Erik gets his bags unpacked. Kris is thanking God that PO is moving in with Drew once everyone is back, that makes everything a bit easier. ''Well, ready to be a Penguin, amour?'' Kris asks.

Erik slumps down next to him on the sofa. ''I've been ready for that since we got back together, hjartat.''

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A couple of mornings later, they wake up slowly, the moving truck with the last of Erik's stuff arrives in three days. Kris rolls over in bed, blinking sleep from his eyes. Erik is still out cold, the travel must have caught up with him. San Jose to Pittsburgh is just over six hours, after all. Kris can barely believe this is real, this is their home now, this is their life now. Things like this don't happen to him, right? Except when they do. Gently, he sweeps a lock of hair back behind Erik's ear, and kisses his cheek. He goes to get ready for the day, and make breakfast. Sid gave him a good banana pancakes recipe ages ago, so he makes that. Movement upstairs piques his ear, Erik comes down wearing his Tre Kronor shorts and shirt. ''Bon matin, amour.'' Kris says.

Erik kisses his cheek. ''God morgon, hjartat.'' He gets some coffee going, Kris finishes making their breakfast, and they eat together. Erik says. ''These pancakes are amazing, Kris, your recipe?'' Kris chuckles, baking isn't his thing. ''No, Sid's.''

Erik looks surprised. ''Sid bakes? Since when?''

Kris laughs, drinking some of his coffee. ''Yeah, he's really good at it, too. His banana bread is really good. Started during lockdown, must've been bored while locked up with Geno in Halifax.'' Erik nods, finishing his breakfast. ''I get that, remember how bored we got in Montreal? You actually got me into F1 somehow.'' Kris laughs, finishing his own meal. ''Well, that was payback for getting me into Arsenal against my will.''

Their day is lazy, relaxing together watching stuff on Netflix and catching up on some F1 and Arsenal highlights over dinner. They may be having a lazy day, but they're still athletes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

They go down to the team's gym the next day for a workout session. The team's top defencemen cannot be caught slipping once preseason rolls around. It's nice, Erik muses to himself, finally having someone to do this with. He'd always stick to himself in San Jose, too many people who obviously wanted to get him away from Kris. Some tried, they all failed. Erik times Kris doing some balance exercises, then they switch places. Halfway into the day, they grab some lunch, and lace up for a simple skate. The first blades on the fresh ice. ''Wow.'' Erik says, looking up at the rafters.

Kris takes his hand. ''It's a lot, huh?'' Erik says, opening a bottle of gatorade. ''Yeah, I mean, I've seen these banners so many times. But, now it's hitting me, I'm a Penguin now.''

Kris beams, he's wanted to hear that for years. ''Yeah, we're teammates now. And, y'know, partners on top of it.'' Erik's eyes crinkle as he smiles. ''Yeah, we are.''

After showering and changing, they get going home. Talking about game plans already as they get inside.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The next couple of days are slow, mostly continuing to get settled into living together at last. One morning, Kris wakes up alone in bed, he grumbles to himself, and gets up to go find Erik. He's in the kitchen, working on breakfast. ''Bon matin, mon coeur.'' Erik says, in the french Kris taught him all those years ago. It could still do with a bit of work, but he'll not complain. Kris plants a kiss on Erik's shoulder. ''God morgon, alskad.'' He says. His swedish is an eternal work in progress, but he's had two fantastic teachers. Horny found it weird at first, until Kris told him it was for a good cause. ''I was planning on bringing this upstairs so we could eat in bed.''

Kris yawns, and takes his blood thinners. ''The bed was cold without you.'' Erik notices the pills, he fucking hates that Kris has had to go through what he has, but also fiercely proud of his partner for coming out of it all like he has. That beautiful Masterton sitting on the bookcase being his reward. ''I was so happy for you that night, you know? When you won that.'' Erik says.

Kris smiles, looking lovingly at the trophy. ''It was a pretty good night, wasn't it? For both of us, you winning the Norris and all. You looked fucking incredible in that lilac suit too.''

Erik forks some of his egg. ''Says Mr James Bond.'' Kris smirks, he must admit, they are the best dressed dmen in the league. ''How do we want to tell Sid and Geno about us?'' Kris asks. Erik smirks, always a signal that he's plotting something. ''Maybe we don't? Maybe we just... let them put it together?''

Kris' jaw drops, he puts his mug of coffee down. ''Oh, you are evil!'' Erik jokingly asks. ''Are you in? Be obvious, but not too obvious?'' Kris nods, running a hand through his hair. ''Oh, hell yeah, I'm in!'' They've always been each other's biggest enablers. They finish breakfast, and get ready for a run together. Pushing each other to go further, racing each other around the park. ''Three laps of the pond before we head home, amour?''

Erik nods, loving the light competition between them. ''You're on, hjartat.'' They go their three laps, and run home together. After a shower, they crash on the couch. They could get used to this, this domestic calmness they've both been craving for years.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Erik's team casual gear arrives with the moving truck. And, they spend the entire day at home getting Erik properly moved in, making this house a home for both of them. Shifting things around, sifting through things they can get rid of, doing a deep clean of the house in the process. Kris' phone rings on the breakfast bar, he goes to pick it up, it's Sid. ''Bonjour, captain, how's life?''

Sid says. ''Good, excited to finally get going, especially with our new teammate. How are you doing?''

Kris says, beaming over at Erik. ''Great, looking forward to seeing you and Geno again anyway. When do you two get back north from Florida?''

Sid answers, after a moment of silence. ''We fly in tomorrow, how about you come over for dinner? With Erik too, if he's in the city already.'' Kris purses his lips, thinking of how to say this, it would be so easy to just admit everything, but that would ruin the game. ''Yeah, sure, I'll fill him in.''

Sid's voice is bright as he says. ''Cool, see you tomorrow, then!'' Kris nods, throat suddenly very dry. ''See you tomorrow, give Geno a hug for me.'' They hang up. Kris returns to the living room, where Erik is trying to figure out where some of his milestone pucks should go. ''Sid wants us to go over for dinner tomorrow night, he and Geno get back tomorrow morning.''

Erik says, arranging the pucks how he wants them. ''Let the game begin.'' Kris laughs, and presses a kiss to Erik's temple. He gets back to setting the house up.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dinner arrives, and they pull up at Sid and Geno's house. They share a devious look, time to begin their little game. Sid welcomes them inside with hugs. They go through to the dining room, and get seated. Erik places an apple pie on the table, Kris hands Geno a bottle of wine. ''So, you enjoying the city so far, Erik?'' Sid asks, ever a diligent captain. Erik nods, forking some of his steak. ''Yeah, I never quite knew how interesting Pittsburgh was until now.''

Kris jokes, nudging his partner's knee with his own. ''Guess you can't get to know a place when you're constantly in and out, eh?'' Erik nods, ever aware that his partner has never known anything else but this city for eighteen years. ''Yeah, now I'm in, I'm seeing things better.''

Geno asks Erik. ''You still wearing 65?''

Erik nods, he'd never willingly give up his number, it means too much to him. ''Yeah, I was so glad it was free.'' Sid adds, sipping his beer. ''Yeah, it's been a while since Hainsey.''

Kris braves some light flirting. ''It'll look so much better on you, Erik, trust me.'' Erik narrows his eyes, Kris is so much better at playing this game already. ''It'll look good with us too. 65, 58, 87, 71.'' Geno observes. ''Yeah, I hadn't noticed that, our numbers all make a chain.'' Sid says.

As dessert is dished out, Erik says. ''I hope you three don't feel as if I'm replacing Flower, y'know? Like, new core, yeah. But, Flower is irreplaceable.''

Kris shrugs, Flower leaving hit all three of them, not least that being the first summer he and Erik spent apart after their breakup. He had no one to help him through that grief. ''Times change, Erik. Flower is part of our family, and always will be. And now, so are you.'' Geno nods, and adds. ''Yeah, Legenda, Jarry still talks to Flower every week. Our family has grown.''

Erik asks, furrowing his brows. ''Legenda, Geno?'' Geno sits down at the table with his coffee. ''It's what I call Kris - Legend. It's on his gear and everything, my idea.'' Erik smirks to himself, storing that for later, for no reason at all. ''Oh, okay.''

After dinner, they get driving home. They'll need to start getting to sleep earlier, training camp is right around the corner. They get ready for bed, Kris says. ''Well, I think that went well, wouldn't you say?'' Erik joins him in bed. ''Yeah, I'd say so.'' Kris lets Erik curl into his side, and asks him. ''You ready to be a Penguin, amour?'' Erik leans up to kiss him. ''I've been ready to be a Penguin for years, hjartat.'' Kris kisses him back. Eventually, they get to sleep.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Day one of camp dawns at last, Kris is up and ready first, packing his backpack for the long and hard day ahead. Erik comes down with his team jacket on, dress code for today was casual. He drops his backpack on the sofa, and ties his shoes. Kris grabs his keys, and they get out to the car. They arrive at Cranberry, and head inside to gear up together. All of the others head out to take to the rink, Kris nudges his partner. ''Ready?''

Erik nods, and says. ''For everything.'' They fist bump, and head out together. Some of the longer tenured Penguins flock over to talk to Erik, even Sully is drawn into the circle. Kris, for his part, could not be happier. Erik looks over to him from his conversation with Marcus. They share a look and a nod, they'll be okay now, there's no more distance to negotiate. Things like this don't happen to them, right? But, it finally has happened for them. Now, it's time to get serious.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Well, this took a bit to figure out! I think it turned out okay. I've had this idea in my head for days now, so I'm happy to finally have it manifest like this!

#hockey rpf #tangerkarlsson

[heiseidominantation]

Heisei Cataclysm "Anima • Animus • Isolate" (Keseran & Siomidu)

A clouded sky. 

A shower of sticky black rain. 

A strange street. A strange building.

There were two figures on the spire-like roof of a Western church.

—Again.

Though she thought as much, she couldn't move. She just stood there. She stood there looking at the two people facing each other. One was a boy. The other was a girl. They looked as old as she was, and she was sure they were around the same age as her. Under the lightless sky, she could only make out the pair's eyes. Both had red and blue eyes. But what dwelled in that bright stone-like clear color was a freezing murderous intent. This wasn't just a fight. One person was definitely trying to kill the other in a literal sense. And they would try again tonight, too.

The black-haired boy, dressed in a school uniform with a stuffed collar, used a blue light as his sword and slashed at the girl, who wore the same clothes as him, with her snow-white hair tied in pigtails. The girl, on the other hand, took the boy's sword with a red sword in her hand, washed it away, and waved the blade to his torso. But her sword didn't reach the boy. In an instant, the boy jumped back and thrust his sword at the girl's neck. In an attempt to respond, the girl held up her sword and rushed at the boy's chest.

The two shadows crossed. In a moment when there was no time to scream, a splash of something spewed from their stuck faces. The smell of iron. 

The two in front of her were no longer moving. Their expressions had seemed like they were crying, or perhaps smiling.

"—Uwaa!?"

Her heart was beating fast and she woke up in a nervous sweat. When she looked around, she found her own messy room as usual. The light leaking through the gaps in the curtains was the sign morning had arrived. She rubbed her face with her hands, but there was nothing out of the ordinary. It wasn't dirty anywhere, and there was nothing strange about it.

"Oh, it was just that dream again today…"

She muttered, and on the bed, Tokido Haku raked up her natural gray hair.

※

This time, it was a mutual attack.

When she finally calmed down, she brushed her teeth and looked at her short hair in the mirror and her half-asleep face. Ever since she was in junior high school, she always had nightmares every night. 

The dream of a boy and a girl whom she had never met before. The place was always the same. The situation was always the same, too. But the results were different every time. In her dream yesterday, after a fierce battle, the boy had cut through the girl. In the dream she had the night before yesterday, the two of them got tangled up and fell off the roof. And the night before that, the girl put an angelic smile on her pretty face and cut the boy's neck.

Ew… No, I don't want to remember any of this. It'll make breakfast taste bad.

She spat water into the sink and wiped her mouth with a towel. Her friends often told her that brushing her teeth before eating was meaningless, but somehow she felt restless.

Today is Saturday. Did I have any plans?

Looking at the high school uniform on the wall and the calendar next to it, she did nothing but wear her pajamas. Her uniform consisted of a sailor fuku and skirt. Despite how boyish her voice sounded, Haku was a girl.

I'm sleepy. I don't feel like I've slept ever since I've had that dream every night. But I've never had another dream after sleeping twice. I wonder if I should go to the hospital.

—On second thought, let's not do that. 

Haku immediately canceled her idea. She couldn't tell the doctor that she dreamt of two people killing each other every night. In the first place, she didn't think it would be solved if she consulted the doctor anyway. Her parents had been traveling abroad for a long time because of work, and although she had friends, she didn't want to worry them about strange things.

If possible, she didn't want to have a dream like that again tonight. But…

Those two seem like familiar people, don't they?

Maybe it's because she watched them every night. With that in mind, she reached out to the bag of breadsticks. The sound of her silent smartphone shaking made her jump up. She picked it up by her bedside and found a new message.

"Where are you now? Did you forget our plans? Gather in Katakago!!"

There were about 10 other messages. It seemed to have been sent many times since about two hours ago.

"Crap!!"

She was so distracted by her dream that she didn't notice the incoming call at all. This was bad, she was completely late. 

She completely forgot — today was a "club" day!! 

She hurriedly put on her clothes, slung her bag on her shoulder, pushed the bread into her mouth, and rushed out of the 1DK apartment. 

The weather was clear. The era's name was Heisei. At this time, the world was still "peaceful".

※

"...You're late. Haku, you're really weak with mornings!"

"Sorry, Liz. I remembered it well before I went to bed last night. Forgive me!"

At the entrance of the arcade "Katakago", stood a person she knew waiting for her. Another girl, Amemiya Lislette, with her blue eyes and hair tied like a headband, turned a sulky expression to the late Haku.

"It's not crowded yet, so it's still okay. I'm looking forward to your success today."

Akari spoke soothingly to Liz. Mitsuoka Akari was a girl with a gentle smile and intelligent glasses. The two were precious friends of Haku's and members of the same club.

"I guess so. It's a time when families haven't arrived yet, so I think there's still room available."

Liz spoke, still dissatisfied.

"If you're aiming for a ranking, you have to start early. Haku, you're our ace. Be aware of that and do your best."

"Well... I'm not trying to be an ace."

"Just be aware you're going to be big! Now go right away!"

With a sudden turn of her back, Liz made her way to the elevator in the hall.

"D-Did I offend her?"

She thought she was being modest, but Akari whispered softly to her as she scratched her cheek.

"Fufufu, Liz-san isn't angry. She's been worried about Haku-san for a long time."

"H-Hey, Akari!?"

Looking back, Akari smiled at Liz, whose face was red, and continued on.

"She's been holding her cell phone and looking outside, saying, "It's dangerous these days, maybe she was involved in an incident.". I was afraid of how worried she was."

"I-I didn't realize I made you worry so much. I'm so sorry, Liz."

"S-Shut up! It's only natural, isn't it? …Because we're friends."

"Yeah, thank you."

When Haku thanked Liz, Liz humphed with dyed cheeks. Akari looked at her gently.

It was a warm exchange. Because of these girls, Haku could forget her nightmares during the day.

"Oh, come to think of it, where are Kyou and the others?"

When she realized that there were missing members, Akari informed her.

"Kyou-san and the others went to the station."

"They've all gone that way for reconnaissance at other arcades, even though it's just been done. You and I are the only ones who can increase our rank."

"I see. I'll have to work harder because there are less members than usual."

"That's what I just said!"

"Now now. Well, let's go. As your advisor, I'll do my best to record it."

Haku pressed the elevator button while following Liz's tsukkomi and Akari. 

The gun shooting game section on the 3rd floor. That was the location where their "club activities" took place. And the "Heisei Snipers" — that was the name of Haku and the others' "club".

She held the gun controller, positioning it directly in front of her, and looked at the screen. Shooting right, shooting left, dodging incoming bullets. With her smooth movements, Haku had, as a matter of course, struck astronomical scores. She couldn't hear the noise of other game consoles or the admiration of Liz and Akari watching. Haku, however, was absorbed in the task of shooting an enemy on a panel larger than her own height.

It was a very simple game. It was an ordinary story about becoming an agent to rescue the kidnapped president's daughter and shooting at the enemy. However, the difficulty which gave the fear of being the first to die and the heat of the score ranking match, which was updated in real time, were the reasons why this game was loved by so many people — and why Haku and the others were working hard. 

The "Heisei Snipers" were a group of boys and girls of the same age who liked arcade shooting games. Even if it wasn't an official club, they were enthusiastic about their club activities. The members who found out that they liked the same games naturally gathered together, and started this "club" back in middle school. Even now, they continued their activities as high schoolers. And Haku was the ace recognized by everyone in the "Snipers". Haku was so good at shooting that she couldn't believe that she had only started playing games after she became a middle school student. She may even have been what was called a "born genius". 

No matter how unreasonable the game was, Haku felt a little embarrassed when her friends trusted her to clear it at the top level. However, Haku was also happy to receive compliments towards her game hobby. And she really liked the tension and the sharpening of her thoughts when she faced her enemies on the screen.

She could do it. She looked at the boundaries of the stage and the score in the upper right corner of the screen. She was in good shape today. If this was the case, she thought she'd be able to surpass the high score that she hit 10 days ago.

Haku exhaled thinly, putting her strength into her grip, in order to engage in the last boss. When…

Huh…?

She naturally lost her groove in the game. As if she had been sucked in, as if she had discovered something she couldn't miss, her eyes went puffy and she turned to her side. And before she could understand the reason for this, an unmissable being moved swiftly through the edge of her vision. 

Short dark hair. Clothes with a tight collar. A strained expression. And mysterious eyes shining red and blue.

—That was the boy. Every night she dreamt of the boy killing, the boy being killed, the boy dying. This was that same person. He was the boy who wielded a blue sword!!

"Ah…"

Just as she thought about it, there was a faint moan coming out of course.

Was I seeing things...? No, I wasn't. He was really walking over there. But that can't be true, right!?

She looked for him, but he was nowhere to be seen as if he had disappeared. Her aimless gaze wandered in the air—

"Haku!"

Liz's voice suddenly returned her consciousness. She hurriedly turned her attention back to the game and found an agent lying on the screen before the enemy's fierce attack.

"...O-Oh no."

When she looked back, she saw Akari operating the tablet in a depressed manner, and Liz's worried face.

"The no damage bonus no longer applies. That's unfortunate…"

"What's up with you? Are you okay? It's unusual for you to space out when you're playing a game."

"Oh, y-yeah."

While playing the game that started from the beginning of the last boss match, Haku thought and answered.

"Um, I'm a little short of sleep today. No, or maybe I've slept too much."

She didn't want to make them worry about something weird.

"I was just a little dazed. I'm sorry, it's alright now."

"If you say so, then…"

"Let's take a break at the drink bar later."

At the same time, she felt both relieved and guilty about the two people who understood her.

Sorry for lying to you. It's because I don't know what's going on, myself.

Was "the boy" real or a hallucination? Was she crazy or not?

Haku clenched her teeth and shot at the enemy, as if her dreams were eroding reality. It wasn't long after that that she had cleared the game.

※

"I feel that your top position remained unwavering today, after all."

Liz shrugged her shoulders as she sipped cola with a straw at the arcade's drink bar.

"Yes, you're always amazing. There was a crowd forming earlier."

"A crowd of people, huh..."

As Akari smiled with tea in her hand, Haku held an orange juice cup with both hands and looked down. There were a lot of people in the crowded area — maybe "the boy" was one of them. Or was she seeing strange things and "the boy" never existed? The nightmares up until now had been nothing but childhood dreams.

"What's up with you? You're acting really weird today. You didn't catch a cold, did you?"

"Eh!? Oh, no! I said it's alright!"

When she answered, she drank some of her juice. The sweetness eased her anxiety a little.

"It's a time when there's a big difference in temperature, so be careful not to catch a cold. It'll be a big problem if you had to rest... Oh. Come to think of it, we have a test on Monday."

"Geh! I-I forgot!"

Liz and Haku were drawn back to reality and looked at each other.

"It's an English test, isn't it? I wonder why the teacher wants to take the examination at a strange time."

"Ugh. I don't even remember what I did in that class."

"It's alright, the both of you."

Akari spoke with a chuckle.

"The teacher only asks questions about the syntax in the class, so there's no problem if you review it in your notebook."

"You can only say that because you're Akari, who takes notes and studies…"

"I think so, too! Ah, I'll have to study when I get home!"

"I'm finally going to do it and I won't forget!"

If she had a big problem in front of her, the problem far away would look small and hazy. The day after tomorrow's test was more worrying and weighed more on her mind than "the boy" who had disappeared like a vision.

As I thought, there happened to be someone who looked like him, so I guess I had just mistaken that person for him.

—Let's go with that.

"Now, once you've taken a breather, it's my turn. I'll repaint Haku's score today!"

She nodded to Liz with a "yes". And while she was having a good time, Haku was completely unconcerned about "the boy".

※

"I'm home."

After greeting an empty room and putting the bento box she bought at a convenience store on the kotatsu, she stretched.

Today was fun, too! I'm a little tired, but I have to study.

With that in mind, she opened the curtains that she had left closed. It was about time the sun went down outside, and when she saw it, a vague loneliness filled her heart.

It was only a few minutes ago that Liz, who seemed frustrated because she couldn't exceed Haku's score, left with Akari, who seemed satisfied with their performance. But when she returned to the quiet house alone, she felt somewhat depressed.

...It's the usual. But even though it's the usual, I guess I'm still not used to it either.

She thought so in a self-deprecating manner. But Haku, who knew by experience that these feelings would disappear in fifteen minutes after her return, went to the wash-basin distractingly.

And after a while…

"Ahh, I knew this would happen."

She expected it, but she hung her head. After she finished eating the bento, she turned her back to the veranda, got into the kotatsu, and opened her English notebook for now.

What is this. Even if it's because I was dozing off in class, isn't this too much…? I don't understand any of this.

The contents of her notebook were terrible. At first, she had properly written down what was on the board, but as soon as she began to feel sleepy, the letters had mutated and eventually no one could read them.

I guess I have no choice but to ask Akari if I can copy her notes.

Akari always helped her with a smile, but if she just relied on her, that would be kind of bad.

But dozing off during class feels good. I don't have to have that nightmare when I doze off.

With a sigh, Haku looked at her messy handwriting and flipped through her notebook.

Then, her hand stopped. 

Huh?

She found a readable part of her notebook. It was a part of last week's class that seemed to be from the board, and the words that had been wavy like extreme electrocardiogram graphs suddenly became clear. Moreover, it was different from the letters written by Haku, and it was written in beautiful handwriting like a calligraphy model.

"A pleasant era will murder people."

"What… is this?"

Her voice trembled before she knew it. It wasn't someone's prank, was it? It was written completely during class, and after this sentence, there was also a squishy line drawn as it was before.

"Don't tell me…!"

She quickly turned the page over, guided by her intuition. Then, in the same words, it was written in the same way in the class that had just happened yesterday.

"The work has begun behind the scenes of everyday life in peace and comfort."

"Be prepared when you notice this message."

"...What?"

Pieces of writing written in a flash. It could only be read like a warning or something like that.

The work has begun behind the scenes of everyday life. What's this?

After she was stunned, she couldn't help but burst out laughing.

"Pfft. What was I doing? Even if I was half asleep, I don't think I would write this!"

It was like a document addressed to an agent in a game.

"And it's much better written than usual. I wonder if I have a hidden talent for things like this?"

She wished she had copied the teacher's board with these letters. With that in mind, Haku rolled on her back on the floor. When she raised her chin, her vision turned upside down, and beyond the veranda, she saw the upside down sunset. The towering buildings were up and the clouds were down.

Haah… I'm sure I can't study, after all.

A crow flew through the twilight sky. She was starting to feel sleepy. Even if she went to bed now, she knew she would have to watch that nightmare again, but she didn't think she could beat drowsiness. When she was about to fall asleep, she suddenly opened her eyelids.

"...Mm?"

That was weird. A strong sense of incongruity made her feel sleepy and open her eyes wide. The building wasn't "upside down". It stood upright from bottom to top in her field of vision that was supposed to be upside down. 

No, that was wrong. When she rubbed her eyes and jumped up in a hurry, she opened the curtain wide, and there was a strange sight. Yes, the familiar building streets were normal — but above them, from heaven to earth, like a mirror image or something, another city was "standing." A group of buildings, breaking through the clouds at dusk, suddenly appeared, looking down upon her haughtily.

"W-W-What is this!?"

A loud voice came out, and people from outside could be heard making noise.

A-Are they filming a movie? There's no way…!

Haku, who didn't have a TV, hurriedly checked the internet. It seemed that the same phenomenon was happening all over the world. Panic, surprise, conspiracy theories, gossip, natural disasters, the sea of the internet was rough.

I wonder if everyone is doing okay…!?

While thinking of the members of the "Heisei Snipers," Haku touched the screen of her smartphone to get in touch with them.

A terrific roar.

"U-Uwa!?"

Haku leaped up and looked out of the window, and was shocked again. It was raining this time, and it wasn't just raining. It was black rain. It was raining so black that it was like a joke. The raindrops that flew in the wind stuck to the veranda glass and were unlikely to fall easily. She heard a scream from the outside.

"M-Maybe there was a fire somewhere... and maybe that's why the rain is getting darker?"

Or there was an accident at a chemical plant or something, or… terrorism?

Waving her confused head, Haku put her hand on the curtain, not wanting to see any more of this nightmarish scene. Then she suddenly realized…

In the rain-blocked view, there was a church spire that stood out in one corner of a group of buildings growing out of the sky. It didn't exist in this neighborhood street, but Haku "knew" what it was.

That was the place where those two were fighting — the usual place, that place.

"...Is this a nightmare?"

It wasn't like that. Yes, Haku knew. This sticky black rain, and that spire. It's the very sight she always dreamt of.

"It's a nightmare…!!!"

As soon as she realized it, her legs trembled and gave way to the floor. If it was a dream, she wanted to wake up. She hit herself on the head, but the pain got worse, and she thought it was definitely reality.

That's right. Today... I saw the boy in my dream.

She was sure that person she saw at the arcade wasn't a hallucination. It was true.

My dream came true!

Her spine and her whole body trembled violently, and when she entered the kotatsu for warmth, the freezing fear at her core never disappeared. Outside, emergency broadcasts were being broadcasted with loud sirens. They were shouting desperately, "Please refrain from going out, and evacuate indoors."

If it's a dream, wake up. Hurry!!

Haku, wishing so again, checked the screen of her smartphone with her trembling hands.

Ah…

It was filled with messages from people she knew. Calls didn't seem to be working, but everyone seemed to be safe. And everyone was worried about Haku.

"That black rain seems dangerous to touch. Haku, don't go out in a daze!"

"Haku-san, are you at home? I hope you're safe."

...Thank you. I'm fine.

The peace of mind that wrapped around her chest naturally oozed tears. She didn't know what happened, but as long as everyone was safe, that was fine. Haku breathed a sigh of relief, and held her finger over the screen to send a message that she was safe.

"Ah."

Her finger slipped and touched the Memo icon. And before she thought about hitting back, she looked at the words on it and gasped.

"When you're reading this, there might be black rain outside."

The writing continued further. 

—She didn't remember writing this. Or rather, she didn't even remember running the Memo app in recent months. Once again, she was thrown into a whirlwind of confusion, and still sliding the screen, Haku read on with her writing.

"It's no wonder you're confused, but you shouldn't stay there. I want you to get ready to move as soon as possible and come to the warehouse on the first floor of your building. I'll be waiting there."

"Who… wrote this?"

"As I've said many times, please come to the warehouse as soon as you finish reading this. — Rei."

That's where the sentence ended.

"R… Rei?"

Was that the name of the person who wrote this sentence? While doubting her eyes, she checked the date and time when the text was written that wasn't displayed on the edge of the screen. It was this morning — the time when Haku was still supposed to be having a nightmare.

"W-W-What is…?"

She looked at the veranda, muttering incoherently. The sticky rain had already covered the glass door, and it was as if the whole building had been enveloped in darkness.

"What's happening…? What the hell is going on!?"

She screamed at the letters on the Memo, but there was no answer. Haku crawled out of the kotatsu with her smartphone in hand, grabbed her bag almost unconsciously, and then swung toward the front door.

—She didn't believe that message. She was just going to see what's going on outside…

She stood unsteadily in front of the front door, making excuses. And…

"Uwa!?"

She jumped up to the sound of a huge crack in the veranda glass in the living room, and stuck her foot in her shoes and ran out the door.

※

In the back of the corridor on the first floor of the public housing complex, there was a large door in a secluded place. It was a warehouse for emergency equipment, and Haku also checked the location once for a disaster drill. She heard that there were a lot of things that were needed in the event of a disaster.

"Ugh…"

She hesitated when she came to the warehouse. It was her first time trying to get in. Was it open without a key in the first place?

...If it isn't, I'll give up and go home.

There was no one there yet, but as far as the outside was concerned, there must have been a lot of people coming there before long. Before that, she would just check and go home. 

When she came to her thoughts, she gently laid her hand on the warehouse door. Contrary to expectations that it wouldn't move, the sliding door opened really easily. She was surprised for a moment by the unexpectedly loud noise.

"—You came. You're late."

She could hear the voice of a strange, stern boy.

"Eh!?"

The inside of the warehouse was larger than she expected, with space in the center. And a boy in black sat atop the pile of supplies in the corner. He looked at her with great composure. He had dark hair, red and blue eyes, and a tight mouth. He was better-looking than most men. However, there was an air of infinite emptiness. 

Yes, this was "the boy".

"Ah, y-you're…!"

Haku spoke with her mouth wide open. 

"Y-You, you're, um, from my dreams, from the arcade, no, well, R-Rei…?"

"Go in quickly and close the door there. You don't want to be seen."

He ordered in a stern tone.

"I-I understand!"

He had the power to make her nod. Haku went in and, bewildered, closed the door behind her back. Then it was dark all at once in the warehouse, and only a small lamp, which he seemed to have brought in, lit up the surroundings. Outside the small window, it still seemed to be raining black.

"Now then."

Before Haku could open her mouth, he uttered a cry, and when he got down to the floor, he walked up to her with a lamp in his hand.

"I'm sure you're Tokido Haku, yes?"

"Y-Yeah."

"I see."

He glanced at her with his unique eyes. Was it sorrow or anger in them?

After answering in an incoherent voice, he put his hand to his chest and spoke quietly.

"I am Tokido Rei, the one who sent you the message."

"Oh, so you were Rei, after all."

While she was relieved that the other person's identity was clear, questions arose.

"Um, how on earth did you write in my notebook and smartphone? And "Tokido"... I think we have the same family name. Are you my relative?"

"..."

Rei kept his mouth shut.

"U-Um…"

"I don't have time to answer your questions."

Interrupting Haku's words, Rei spoke in a very calm and intonation-less tone.

"No, I don't have time to talk here. Just follow me."

"Eh? Follow you... Why?"

"I said I don't have time to explain. If you don't follow me, there's no point!"

As soon as Rei said it, he grabbed Haku's wrist. His hands were warm, indicative of a man of blood, but at the same time his strength conveyed an indescribable strong will.

"Come with me!"

He said, but Haku had no reason to go with him. In the first place, that black rain was dangerous. She wondered where they would be going at such a time.

"W-Wait a minute!"

Haku said in a strong tone.

"Why should I follow you!? And furthermore…"

Rei's expression became a little grim when he listened to her question. Eventually, he opened his eyes wide and turned quickly to the window.

"Get back!!"

"Wah!?"

With a thud on her chest, Haku banged her back against a pile of boxes of goods, away from the window. And when she looked forward, she saw…

"Ah…!?"

A shadow penetrated like the wind through the window... and she could see Rei's back facing it. The shadow quietly descended to the floor of the warehouse.

Long, snow-white hair tied into pigtails. She quickly put it together. 

Beautiful but lifeless, doll-like features. Clothes very similar to Rei. And the blue and red eyes opposite Rei. It was another character out of her nightmares. It was "the girl". 

With an unimpressed look on her face, she looked at Rei, who was standing up, and opened her mouth.

"Hello."

Her voice was a little high-pitched and cute. It was like a voice heard in an anime, rather than one heard in real life.

W-What's going on? Should I greet her back?

She couldn't help but think about it, but Rei's sharp voice brought her back to reality.

"Sakuhi, so you've come this far? Go home! This isn't a good place for me or you."

"Unfortunately, I'm already here. And you understand what's going on out there, don't you?"

The girl, called Sakuhi, waved her right hand lightly as soon as she spoke. Then, in the palm of her hand, Haku saw a knife the size of a face.

"The 〔Surface〕's peace is broken. From now on, it's our era. That's what's happening."

Sakuhi calmly told Haku the confirmed facts. At the same time, the knife grew long with a bright crimson light like fireworks.

T-That's...!

The red sword the girl always wielded in Haku's nightmares! When she saw Rei's body being cut many times in her dream, she realized that Sakuhi's gaze was towards her, and a chill ran down her spine.

"Before the battle, we need to get rid of unnecessary things. That's why, you—"

Sakuhi pointed to Haku with the tip of the red sword, and spoke.

"—Won't you die quickly for me?"

A ruthless declaration, followed by an instant pause.

"Eh…!?"

"Watch out!!"

Rei screamed and stood up quickly. He also held a blue sword in his hand, and took the blade Sakuhi had shaken down, and a fierce battle began.

"Ggh…!!"

Sakuhi and Rei had the same power. Yes, it was the same as her nightmares.

But now I... I can't move like in the dream!

Quickly, Haku hurriedly distanced herself and looked around her. It was too dangerous to escape outside because she had to pass by Sakuhi's side.

"You stupid fool! You're working really hard today, aren't you?"

While the pressed blades were making a loud noise, Sakuhi spoke to Rei to make fun of him. Rei responded coldly.

"I could say the same to you. Are you going wild in despair?"

"Sorry to disappoint, but I'm not desperate like you!"

In line with her words, the red light on Sakuhi's sword glittered more and more violently. The moment Rei and Haku saw it, they gasped—

"I'm very happy now, actually. ...That's why!"

"Whoa!?"

The sword wore a crimson flash and overcame Rei's power. While Rei, who had been blinded and knocked off, was crouching, Sakuhi ran straight to Haku!

"Ah...!"

Haku raised her voice, and unconsciously moved to the right. Before she knew it, Sakuhi's blade had cut through a bag of supplies on the left side. If she had stood still, she would have been torn apart.

"U-Ugh...!"

The first pure murderous intent in her life. Sakuhi clicked her tongue at the sight of Haku, who was about to throw up at the blackness.

"Tsk. I heard that ordinary people in the 〔Surface〕 were amateurs. They shouldn't be able to avoid things."

"D-Don't say that!"

While she was arguing, Sakuhi, who wrinkled her eyebrows displeasingly, was re-holding her sword. If she got attacked again, she couldn't run away this time. Such a hunch ran through her brain.

"Hah!!"

Sakuhi kicked the floor with a shout. 

—It was over!!

She crouched down and held her head. It wasn't her parents who passed her mind, but her club friends.

"Ggh!!"

Then she heard a dull moan, and she looked up.

"R-Rei!!"

Rei's right chest was pierced by the red blade. 

H-He covered me...!

As soon as she thought about it, she felt a sharp pain like she had been cut, and her heart was full of emotion.

"Ahahaha!"

Meanwhile, Sakuhi spoke with an angelic smile.

"That's fine. It suits you well, Rei."

We're in trouble, what should I do…? And it's not an injury I can take care of in the first place… At this rate, Rei and I will be…!

She was going to get killed by Sakuhi.

Eh…?

At that time, Rei's right hand, stretched back, held Haku's right wrist tightly. And there was no time to be confused.

""Transmit"!"

Rei muttered in a low voice. At the same time, the surrounding space bent and moved away with a roar.

"...N-No…!"

She heard Sakuhi protesting from afar for a moment.

W-What is this...!?

Haku clenched her teeth in a violent shock that seemed to shake her brain directly.

Really, what's going on?

She couldn't stand it and lost consciousness.

※

—There was an altar right in front of her. The altar was recognized because there was God's relief on the wall behind it. Standing in front of a platform the size of which she could lie, she heard an adult's voice from behind. A strange voice that could be heard as both a woman and a man.

"Now, lie there."

The voice repeated itself again.

"Lie down. Then you can be an angel."

An angel?

"A beautiful, blood-stained angel who breaks the barrier of the two worlds and brings out the best."

She laid slowly on the altar, gently enticed by their voice. The marble was colder than she thought and took away her body temperature.

—"Oh, so this is what it's like to die", she thought.

※

"Hah!"

What she saw was a white inorganic ceiling. Haku, who had risen, noticed that her head was still wobbly, and put her hand on her forehead. She was alright. 

Next to the bed, which she had been lying down on, was the bag taken out of her room. But all she recognized was the bag. Other than that, there were only white, unadorned walls and floors, wooden tables and a few chairs, and a huge metal box in the corner of the room that stood out.

…I had a dream that wasn't my usual nightmare earlier. It's been a long time since one of those.

Without thinking about it, she thought something strange to escape from reality and patted her head blankly.

No, no. Now's not the time to be absentminded. Where am I?

She went down to the floor, put her bag on her shoulder, and walked up to the table. On the table, a knife was laid bare. 

This… is the same knife that Sakuhi used!

Which meant maybe this was Sakuhi's place!? She looked around in horror.

"Have you woken up?"

"Uwa!?"

She couldn't help but scream at the sudden call from behind. Looking back, she saw Rei.

"H-H-How long have you been there!?"

"Don't be so loud. This is my hideout, so don't worry."

"S-Sorry. I was a little surprised."

Haku apologized to Rei who had a slightly sulky expression, with a shy smile.

"That's right! I-Is your injury okay!?"

"Injury?"

 Rei tilted his head for a moment and then spoke an "ah".

"You mean the wound that Sakuhi had inflicted earlier? In that case, it's alright now."

He patted himself on the chest. Certainly, there were no wounds anywhere. There wasn't even a trace of blood.

"It's always the case. It's nothing to worry about."

Rei said so in a somewhat dark tone.

"B-But because you covered for me earlier, you received such a terrible wound!"

And it must have also been Rei who brought the fainted Haku to this place.

"Um, thank you very much. You saved my life."

When Haku bowed her head deeply and thanked Rei, he was stunned. Next, he made a slightly shy gesture—

"I told you it's nothing to worry about."

He returned to his calm expression and spoke. She felt relieved to see so. But at the same time as she was relieved, she began to wonder.

"B-By the way, Rei-san!"

"Rei is fine. "How did you recover from such a serious injury", right?"

When he responded as if he read her feelings, Rei approached the table and picked up the knife.

"This is my knife. "Blue Sword" — When I reveal the blade I always use, I use it as a core."

"...Y-Yeah."

When Rei nodded back to Haku, who somehow nodded, he gently pressed his right hand knife against his left wrist.

"Ah!"

Before she could stop him, the blade cut Rei's wrist. Red blood overflowed.

"W-What are you doing!?"

"It's okay. Watch it."

Rei spoke without losing his calm tone. As she was told, Haku looked at his painful wound. Then, only a few seconds later, his wound began to close.

"Eh?"

Surprisingly, his cut was completely blocked as if he had rewinded an image. The blood naturally returned to the inside of his skin, and soon his left wrist was intact.

"T-This is…"

"This is the "Cruelty Cup"."

Rei said something she had never heard before.

"It's magic that I was born with, that only I had... that I should have never had."

"M-Magic?"

When she looked into Rei's eyes without thinking, he looked back at her as if to remind her.

"When I'm traumatized, my body automatically absorbs the magic elements from the surrounding atmosphere and repairs the wound. If it's a serious injury, the wound will heal slowly, but I'll never die whether my neck is cut off or jumped off or skewered. That's why…"

Rei stopped once and went on.

"It's just as you saw it every night."

"!"

Every night. Yes, Rei and Sakuhi killed each other every night. Even if Rei and Sakuhi died one night in her dreams, both of them would have appeared in her dreams the next day. That's why—

"By any chance…"

Haku spoke with trembling lips.

"B-By any chance, were those dreams not "dreams", but something that was happening in real life…? You and Sakuhi killed each other many times, but you're still here now because of that "magic"… That’s what you're saying, right?"

Strangely enough, she didn't feel like doubting it. There were so many things going on that were out of the ordinary. She didn't think magic was suspicious, but that didn't mean the shock of it all would go away, either.

"I must explain a lot to you."

Rei didn't give a direct answer, but said so as to calm her down, placing his knife back on the table and putting his hand up. Then, part of the white wall became transparent without sound, and she could see the outside like a window. Outside, she could see many buildings lined up, but they were so dirty that they looked like ruins. Beyond the building, there was that spire. However, the spire wasn't facing upside down as seen from the window of her room, but was standing in the same direction as the building. And furthermore,

"Huh?"

Haku noticed that, perhaps from the ground to the sky, there were countless black liquids floating in the air like swarming creatures. The black liquid, which had become a round grain, was rapidly accelerating in the middle, and rising like an arrow into the sky. It was like looking at the rain upside down.

"Ah! D-Don't tell me this is…!?"

"Yes, this is the other world that appeared above your world."

Rei lowered his hand, and turned to her and spoke.

"It's the 〔Reverse World〕."

"The world is divided into two areas."

Rei explained calmly as he sat across the table with Haku sitting in a chair.

"You live in the 〔Surface World〕 of science while the 〔Reverse World〕is of magic. The two areas are close, but civilization developed in different ways. And the difference continued to destabilize the world, distorting both sides, and in the end, it appeared in your world in the form of a fight between its people."

"A fight... Like a war?"

"Yes, on a large scale. But the same is true of crimes and other causes. For example, Japan, where you live, is in a "peaceful" state with no acts of war, but crimes are increasing. It's because of the distortion caused by the conflict with the 〔Reverse〕."

Rei spoke, stroking the knife blade on the table with his fingers.

"On the other hand, in the 〔Reverse World〕, distortion appears in the form of a decrease in the number of wizards. The world was originally composed of only those who were good at handling magic, or wizards. But over the last 70 years, more and more people have been born unable to use magic."

Rei turned to her and continued.

"If you look at the 〔Surface〕, it's like someone who was born with no electrical appliances, so it's a big problem."

"I see…"

Haku was convinced that it would certainly be a disaster.

"By the way, I'm a wizard. The "Blue Sword", the "Cruelty Cup", and the transfer that brought you here are all kinds of magic. But I wasn't born in this world."

"Eh?"

"I will explain it step by step. ...An organization appeared in this world where wizards were decreasing."

Rei's eyes became sharper.

 "The name of the organization is "Dominant". They are all incredibly skilled wizards who boast of themselves as "dominant species". And they have a fearful idea of electing people."

"A fearful idea of electing people, you say…"

Haku drew out a dim knowledge of world history and spoke.

"Um, do you mean to say that they think that they're special and chosen people?"

"Yes. And in their case, people who can use magic are the only beings that matter, and the rest are inferior."

He glanced at her with his red and blue eyes.

"They thought that if they gathered people who could use magic, drive out other people, and erase the distortion-causing 〔Surface World〕, the world would become peaceful."

"Eh? T-That's it?"

"Yes, people in the 〔Surface〕 basically can't use magic. That's why no one noticed the existence of the 〔Reverse〕 that was blocked from being detected by the power of science. Taking advantage of this, Dominant started preparing 20 years ago and took control of the 〔Reverse〕. And today, their "revolution" has begun."

That's the black rain—

"Black rain is the ultimate dark magic. People who aren't wizards, or substances that don't contain magical elements are cursed to "break" just by touching it."

"D-Do you mean we're going to die? The broken glass was also because of the rain…"

She heard that the black rain was harmful, but she couldn't believe it was caused by magic. 

"Well... I understand now that the black rain outside is because of "Dominant"."

But Haku asked, leaning forward.

"But what do you mean that you weren't born here, but you're a wizard?"

"There are very few people in the 〔Surface World〕 who have the talent to use magic."

Rei returned his hand, which had been touching the knife.

 "Dominant is always looking for wizard comrades to cooperate with them, especially if they have rare magical talent. That's why they look for, kidnap, and increase the number of the same species with rare talents in the 〔Surface World〕." 

"Increase!?"

"By separating their body and mind."

Rei said so and looked down.

"When I was twelve years old, I was kidnapped on my way home from school, and my body and soul were divided by magic. In order to make comrades who had the same "Cruelty Cup" as me. That's why… Sakuhi was born."

"Eh!?"

Haku cried, startled.

"S-So you and her were originally one person?"

"Yes... she is one of my personalities, so to speak. That's why Sakuhi has the same "Cruelty Cup" as I do. But the difference between me and her is that I managed to escape, while she was recruited by Dominant."

"That's why you and Sakuhi... killed each other every night?"

"Yes, I want to stop her. But she can't allow me, her other self, to be hostile to Dominant. So we kill each other, but we can't settle it. That's exactly what you've seen."

Rei suddenly looked at the city of the building outside the wall and gazed far away.

"Actually, I wanted to do something before it rained. But I couldn't stop Dominant by myself."

His profile as he explained his story was sad.

"And I couldn't go directly to your world and warn you. Because of Dominant’s dark magic, I couldn't break through the "barrier". I could only appear in your dreams, manipulate your body when your consciousness was weak, and leave notes."

"I-I see."

She didn't know that was happening behind the world that she thought was peaceful.

The world was divided into two parts, magic really existed, wizards were trying to kill ordinary people, and Rei was kidnapped by them. When she thought about it again, she felt that she understood the reason for Rei's empty atmosphere. He was separated from his family and friends, and suddenly his body and mind were torn apart, and then he kept fighting alone.

That's too cruel.

She closed her eyelids with a sinking feeling. She suddenly had a question behind it.

"Um, Rei. Then, why did you choose me?"

"Why did I choose you?"

"I mean, why did you enter my dreams instead of someone else, someone more reliable? I can't fight with you, and I'm just a high school student."

"That's…"

Rei remarked. He remained silent for a moment.

This is bad. Did I say something I shouldn't have?

Haku didn't know what to say when she was scratching her cheek and panicking.

"...I'd better show you first."

Rei muttered and snapped his finger. Then the metal box behind him opened with a loud noise. Inside the box, which was opened, there was something packed inside.

"This is for you."

Rei took it out of the box and threw it over there casually.

"Wah!?"

When she received it, she immediately guessed what it was in his hand.

"This is a GunCon... No, it's a gun, right?"

A handgun made of gray metal. But its shape and weight looked exactly like the gun controller of the game machine that she used a lot during the day. Though it didn't have a code on it.

"It's a gun made by people against Dominant. I collected and kept it."

Rei spoke quietly.

"When you pull the trigger, you collect the thoughts from the heart of every human being and fire them as bullets. So there used to be a lot of people against wizards. It barely survived, but the performance of the gun itself is still fine."

"In other words, if I use this…"

"You can fight."

"N-No way!"

To her surprise, Rei spoke calmly.

"I just watched you fight today. I reconfirmed that you're a great user."

Then the boy she saw at "Katakago" during the day… As she thought, that was Rei, after all.

—But.

"W-Wait! That was just a game!"

"Yes, it's true that it was a game. But your talent isn't just a game."

"Even if you say that…"

She stared at the gun in her hand in disbelief. It was the first time she had seen it, but Haku held it in her hand as if it was an old partner or something. It was easy for her to imagine herself fighting with this. 

But even though they were evil wizards, they were still human beings. As a high school student, she couldn't believe she was fighting like a soldier… She couldn't do it.

"I don't need you to cooperate with me forever."

Rei spoke quietly.

"But I need your strength to stop the black rain falling in this area."

"Eh? Y-You know how to stop this rain!?"

He nodded his head.

"The magic will last as long as magic is being supplied to nuclear weapons. The dark mage in your city is Sakuhi. If you stop Sakuhi and destroy her nuclear weapons, at least the city you live in will be saved."

It seemed like a shining hope to help everyone. Haku looked at her gun again, it reminded her of everyone in the Heisei Snipers. Then she remembered Liz's words. 

"Be aware that you're going to be big."

If she could help everyone with her own power… 

And, yes, Rei had a big heart. But she hadn't returned his kindness yet.

Rei certainly has a body that can heal his injuries in an instant. But it's not without pain. And yet he still protected me from Sakuhi.

"...I understand."

After taking a deep breath, Haku replied.

"Eh?"

Rei's unexpected response was interesting, so she laughed a little and answered again.

"I said I understand, and I'll help you. I'll do what I can. Well, I'm really scared, but I might be able to help you… with this situation."

"Is that alright? Things will happen to you who have lived in a peaceful world. You'll see a lot of cruel things."

"No, that doesn't matter. If it's a cruel sight, I've dreamed of it every night since I was in junior high school. If it's a little bit more cruel, it's no problem. And I want to help everyone, too. My precious friends."

—It was strange that she could answer without hesitation. But thinking about everyone gave her courage.

"...Thank you."

Rei lifted the edge of his mouth a little when he spoke, with his eyes shining sadly.

"You... So you have precious friends."

It was only a few seconds before she realized that he was smiling.

"Then, let's go."

"Where are we going?"

"It's a place you know very well."

He quenched his smile and spoke.

"The spire is where Sakuhi lives, and where the core of her dark magic lies. My metastasis doesn't fly that far, so we have no choice but to go directly. But as long as you break it…"

"—I don't think that's possible."

She heard the girl's voice, Sakuhi's voice. Next, the space right next to the table bent, and Sakuhi herself appeared with a red sword in her hand.

"Ah! W-Why are you here!?"

Rei, as well as Haku, asked in surprise. Then she answered calmly.

"Because you forced the girl to metastasize with you, the space distortion was getting worse. I followed it and got here. That's all."

Then Sakuhi looked at Haku with murderous eyes. 

"But really, why are you so obsessed with her? I don't understand. You're a mess."

"You don't have to understand!"

With blunt words, Rei grabbed the knife on the table and revealed a blue light, his "Blue Sword".

"Haku, wear the robe in the box!"

While confronting Sakuhi, Rei shouted.

"It's a black robe. Wear it, and you'll be protected from the cursed rain!"

"G-Got it!"

As she was told, Haku approached the metal box and pulled out the hooded raincoat-like robe. She didn't have time to hesitate. There was only one robe. She hurriedly put it on.

"Are you going to run away? Sorry, but no. All inferior species are to be eliminated. That's just how it is!"

"I won't let you!"

Red and blue light collided violently. The aftermath of the attack damaged the white walls and ceilings and stirred up the noise of cars. Haku clenched her gun in her hand, and stayed still.

Don't move without permission. I said I'd do what I could…!

She observed Sakuhi's movements as the two shadows crossed each other and intersected. The work of suppressing her throbbing heartbeat and concentrating was the same experience that she had gained in games. Haku, like in the arcade, felt her thoughts sharpen.

"...Kh!"

Rei staggered around Sakuhi's body. Rei, who fought for Haku, seemed to have worse conditions than Sakuhi, who fought for her will to kill. Sakuhi then raised her sword at Rei's neck to stop him. 

"I'll cut off your head and bury it in the ground so you won't wake up ever again!"

"...!"

Rei, who was in a bad position, couldn't defend himself. If things went on like this, he'd be beaten!

Now!

At the same time, Haku's finger on the trigger was moving. 

Bang!

With a light sound, the red sword was blown away from Sakuhi's hand. She was staring with her eyes wide open at her right hand, where the bullet had hit and blood had begun to seep.

—She did it! To her own disbelief, it was excitement that Haku felt in her chest. While Sakuhi was looking at her, Rei quickly re-positioned his sword. However, Sakuhi looked at her hand as if she were unaware of it. It was strange.

"...Why?"

She muttered with trembling lips. 

"Why isn't my hand healing?"

"Eh?"

Haku couldn't help but let out a voice— and for some reason Rei's back seemed to tremble.

"Why isn't my hand healing? Why? Why!?"

Sakuhi screamed bitterly and turned her twin eyes, which were filled with hatred and fear of the unknown, to Haku.

"I've been shot so many times. By now, this wound would have quickly healed! Yet why is nothing happening after you shot me? I can't stop bleeding!!"

I-I don't know…

She replied, frightened by her sword screen.

It was true that Sakuhi's right hand didn't seem to be healing. But she had the same powers as Rei, so she was sure the wound would heal soon. She shot her with the intention of only temporarily stopping her movement. And yet why?

"Is the gun that the inferior person has special? No, that's not it. Because that's the kind of gun that used to hang around all over the place. Then you are—!"

What? Sakuhi's mouth moved like that. Rei's sword slashed at her while she was distracted.

"Kyaa!"

Sakuhi cried out. Haku almost turned away from the cruelty and vividness she had seen in her nightmares. But she would never let go of her gun-holding hand.

"Kh...!"

Holding the cut wound with her left hand, she glared at Rei and Haku. Blood was dripping.

"...Fine then. I'll greet you again later."

As she left, Sakuhi's appearance disappeared, and the knife she dropped disappeared from the room as well.

"D... D-Did she run away?"

"Temporarily. It will probably take about an hour to heal."

Putting the "Blue Sword" back into the knife, Rei looked back. His expression was darker than ever.

"Now, let's go, Haku. We have to destroy the dark magic!"

"Y-Yes!"

When Rei raised his hand, a part of the wall rose and became a door. 

Come to think of it, there was no entrance to the room. It must have been made in a special way with Rei's magic. 

Haku lowered her bag and, holding her gun, followed Rei out of the door. There was a narrow corridor outside, and the black walls and the floor were continuing.

"Through this space— If you go through this hallway, you'll really leave the building."

He spoke as he walked with his back to her.

"Outside is under Dominant's control. You'll be better hidden now, but be careful not to be spotted."

"All right."

She answered once and for all, and Haku asked timidly.

"Um, Rei?"

"What?"

"Can you tell me the reason? Why Sakuhi didn't recover from her injury?"

"..."

Rei didn't answer. She couldn't stand the silence, and Haku repeated the question again.

"T-The way she spoke, it was like she couldn't get over her injury because I was the one who shot her! Was there anything else you chose me for besides being able to use a gun?"

It was a strange story to begin with. If he wanted a good gunman, he could work with a soldier or a police officer. The reason why he went out of his way to ask for help from Haku, who was good at games, wasn't clear at all.

"Hey, Rei, Tell me! Why me?"

"..."

"Why me!? Tell me whose side you're on, please!"

She raised her voice in spite of herself, and asked. Her cry reverberated through the space in vain. 

"...Haku."

With a heavy voice, Rei stopped, turned his head, and replied.

"I'm on your... and your friends' side. I just want you to believe that. And…"

He continued, as he seemed to find it difficult to say.

"The reason you broke the "Cup" — I can't say why for now. But I'll tell you when it stops raining. So, will you wait for me?"

Why can't you answer now?

A question arose, but Haku suppressed it. The only reason for this was Rei's grim, bitter expression — she was sure there was something really going on.

"I understand."

She managed to answer cheerfully.

"If you say so, then I understand. You're the only one I can rely on in this world... and I believe in you. That's all right, isn't it?"

"Thank you."

Rei looked somewhat relieved and hurried on again — leaving a little embarrassed.

※

They hid themselves in the rubble and slipped through Dominant's surveillance about an hour later.

"This… is the same place I saw Rei."

When she looked up, she could see a high spire that penetrated the cloudy sky far away. At last, Haku and Rei had arrived at their destination. At the thought of the end, fear sprang up from the bottom of her heart.

No, now's not the time to be scared here! I have to be strong!

Rei spoke quietly to Haku, who slapped her cheeks.

"We've come all the way here. This is where we climb to the roof. Take my hand."

"Y-Yes."

When she held Rei's extended hand exactly as she was told, he muttered something Haku didn't know. Then a strong wind sprang up at his feet, and the amazed Haku floated in the air with Rei.

"Wow!"

She almost cried out in spite of herself, and hurriedly held her mouth with her empty left hand.

I'm flying!

She wandered about excitedly, and then looked towards Rei, looking grimly at the roof of the spire.

...That's right. Rei and Sakuhi went up to the roof every night and killed each other.

It was one lonely battle. Haku suddenly remembered Rei's words.

"So you have precious friends."

His eyes looked lonely. While her chest hurt secretly, black raindrops were moving up and down in front of her. After a while, Rei, who landed on the slope of the spire roof, pointed to the tip of the roof.

"Do you see something that looks like a purple crystal over there?"

"Oh, on the top of that cross?"

At the end of the roof, on the top of the cross, she saw something glittering.

"That's the core of dark magic. The only way to break it is to hit it with the same magic... So I'll do it."

Rei took his usual knife out of his pocket and spoke. 

"When Sakuhi appears, I need you to support me. But don't push yourself too hard."

"Yeah, I got it. Be careful, Rei."

"..."

Rei remained silent, but nodded with a slightly shy expression. However—

"—That's enough of your pretending at being good friends."

When both Rei and Haku heard Sakuhi's quiet voice, they suddenly gasped. When Rei pulled out his "Blue Sword" and Haku re-gripped her gun, she showed up. Sakuhi, who came up as slowly as they did, was almost unharmed, but the only thing that still bled was the wound on her right hand. Her blue and red eyes had a cold murderous will, and in her left hand was her usual sword— No. It was three times longer than usual, and the sword she was holding had a red light like a flame.

"I'm afraid that's the end of your adventure. My "Red Sword" will cut you to pieces this time. That's just how it is."

"Kh…!"

I have to calm down! I have to calm down and help Rei!

Haku held up her gun and looked at Sakuhi's gap. But now she was completely on her guard. It wasn't the time to attack. Sakuhi's eyes turned towards her.

"By the way, you... Haku, was it? Before I cut you to pieces, I have something to ask you."

An angelic smile appeared on Sakuhi's doll-like face. 

Huh…?

"Don't listen to her!"

Rei screamed, and at the same time, he leapt in one breath with his "Blue Sword" in hand and attacked Sakuhi. Sakuhi easily accepted the blow.

"My, that's no good, Rei. I have something to ask this girl."

"There's nothing for you to ask from Haku!"

Rei screamed again as if he were trying to erase Sakuhi's words. Haku was confused for a moment, but now she thought it was time to fight.

That's right, I'm going to protect everyone!!

She took a breath and awakened her usual senses. Then, she quietly observed Sakuhi's approaching movements!! A bullet from the thought wave hit Sakuhi's right shoulder beautifully.

"Kh…!!"

For a moment, Sakuhi looked at her with anger. But she immediately turned it into a smile, pushing Rei back and opening her mouth.

"Hey, Haku, what kind of dreams did you have at night when you were in elementary school?"

D-Dreams!?

—What was she saying all of a sudden?

"Don't fall for it, Haku! Don't listen to Sakuhi!"

Rei, who stepped on the ladder, slashed Sakuhi again. Sakuhi accepted it, ignored it, and fought him off. Haku, who was watching for an opportunity, suddenly thought in a corner of her mind.

In other words, it was a dream I had before I saw Rei and Sakuhi's fight. There were many such things back then, for example.

For example— Huh?

"Hey, Haku. What are your parents like? How old are they? What's their personality like? What's their appearance like?"

While accepting Rei's fierce attack, Sakuhi asked again, looking happy.

My parents? I rarely see them since they're abroad, so…

—Huh? What were my mom and dad like? 

She guessed she couldn't remember because she didn't want to.

"Stop it! Don't listen, Haku! Don't listen to Sakuhi!"

"You need to remain silent."

When she kicked Rei in the chest and kept her distance, Sakuhi asked her three times.

"Hey, Haku. Maybe you don't remember? Before you entered middle school and your parents."

"That's not true!!"

Haku exclaimed, but it sounded so empty that she could tell.

I went to elementary school, and I remember my mom and dad!

She struggled to remember, but the more she looked up, the less calm Haku felt.

"L-i-a-r."

Sakuhi smiled.

Why can't I remember anything? Did I forget? By any chance... Did I "forget" something I "forgot"? Why!?

Rei still couldn't move because his ribs seemed to be broken. Sakuhi saw it and asked a fourth question.

"And don't you think it's strange? You were able to avoid my attack on your first attempt. Even though you never had any training before. Why?"

That's...

"The two flowers where one was replanted around that time~"

Suddenly, Sakuhi began to speak as if she were singing.

"You don't know your birthplace. You think the inside of the replanted pot is your real place. You don't know that you're someone else's replacement."

—Replacement?

"No... I..."

Haku's voice was beginning to tremble.

"Whose... replacement am I?"

"No, Haku!"

Rei moaned, but Haku had no choice but to raise her voice to Sakuhi.

"Whose replacement am I!?"

"Ahahahaha!"

Sakuhi laughed out loud.

"That's obvious, isn't it? Didn't you notice? You're me. You're Rei."

"Eh...?"

"And you're a replacement for Rei."

—What? The shock of being hit hard on the head hit Haku.

"I didn't think it was possible, but you really don't remember, do you?"

Looking at the pitiful Haku, Sakuhi walked up to her quietly.

"Kh...!"

As she walked closer with the sword in her hand, Haku hurriedly held up her gun and shot her. However, no bullets came out.

"Sorry to disappoint, but someone who's upset can't shoot a wave of thought on someone. That's just how it is."

Sakuhi's thin, long, snow-shaped fingers were stretched out on Haku's forehead.

"I'll remind you, Tokido Haku. Because I feel sorry for you. "A child who fails to do anything"."

Tap. 

A soft finger touched her forehead gently. At that moment, countless scenes passed through her mind.

—The Altar. The marble. The coldness of death. The knife. The shock. The pain.

"What do you think, KIKI-sama? Did you succeed in separating?"

"To the best of my ability. Look at these three. Rei, and, oh, this child has inherited the Cup properly. This child is worthy of becoming a beautiful queen in the next generation. Let's name her Sakuhi."

"Oh? This girl is no good. Look, she hasn't inherited the Cup. The wound hasn't healed yet. She has minimal fighting talent, but her memory is wild and she can't handle magic. She's just a human being."

"What shall I do? Do you want me to kill her?"

"No, there's a better way. Let's send her back instead of Rei. It's hard for us to erase the memories of Tokido Rei from all the people in the 〔Surface〕. But if we put her in the gap, we can tamper with their memory."

"Then what shall we do with her name? Are you sending her in as Tokido Rei?"

"No, Rei's wonderful name is not appropriate for a child who fails to do anything. This child is, so to speak, a blank sheet of paper that has failed to print."

"—Let's name her Haku."

"A... Aah..."

Recalling everything, Haku fell to her knees on the ground. She fell down vigorously, and bit her lips as tears welled up, and the gun fell from her open hand.

Whose replacement am I? I am—

"I... am Rei's replacement..."

"Aaaaah!!"

Rei rushed himself up and slashed Sakuhi again. Sakuhi accepted it with great pleasure.

"Ahaha, Haku, do you remember now? You were deceived by Rei. Rei hated you for living in the 〔Surface〕 instead of him, so he brought you here to gloat when he saw you who knew nothing. I suppose that's why."

"That's not true!!"

Rei shook his head violently and shouted to the fallen Haku.

"Listen, Haku! It's true you're one of my personalities. But I didn't ask you to help me because of that!"

Rei spoke as he tied his sword with Sakuhi toward the immovable Haku.

"Mine and Sakuhi's "Cups" are incomplete. Everyone should be able to control their own power. We can't do that. That's because you took the power to control during the separation. And that's why you were able to break the "Cup"!"

"My, is that so? I didn't know that."

While aiming at Rei's neck accurately, Sakuhi nodded.

"During the battle, I realized that you were the only one who could stop me at any time. That's why I chose you. You're the only one who can end my fight!! —Ggh!"

Sakuhi's blade rubbed his shoulder, and Rei twisted his face with pain, but the wound healed instantly.

"Stand up, Haku! Help me!!"

Even if you say that...

Haku couldn't move.

I... I thought I was just a high school student. I thought I was just a normal girl.

But she wasn't. The world of memories that she believed in was distorted by malice and painted with vanity. She forgot the altar, she forgot that she had been tampered with, and she was just made to think she was normal.

I'm just a replacement for Rei — I wasn't supposed to exist in the first place.

Such self-deprecating words had become a heavy stone, and she couldn't move a muscle.

"Haku..."

"Ahahahaha! Rei, it seems that your precious girl is no longer able to move."

While smiling happily, Sakuhi's blade stuck into Rei's abdomen.

"Ugh—!!"

Without speaking out, Rei slowly fell back. Haku stood up in surprise, and could only see the sight in front of her. 

—It was the same as her nightmares.

"Rei will surely get up. I know that very well."

Sakuhi erased her smile, shook her sword, brushed off the blood, and muttered.

"But I can't forgive Rei. So I'll kill him as many times as I want, until the end of my precious KIKI-sama's Dominant revolution. That's just how it is."

Her cruel eyes sparkled towards Haku.

"I'll kill you this time."

"Ah...!!"

She couldn't move. When Sakuhi walked up slowly, Haku's desire to live and her despair fought fiercely in her heart, and she didn't move her body.

If I die here, will I... feel better, I wonder...?

Tears trickled down her cheeks again.

"Ha... ku..."

Then — Rei's moan came to her ears.

"Haku... Your friends... Think of your precious friends that are important to you...!"

Haku looked in front of her. There were countless messages on the out-of-range smartphone's screen that rolled out of her pocket.

"Haku! Where are you!? Just give me an answer!!"

"Haku-san, please reply!"

Everyone had called Haku.

"Your friends... are only your friends. They're not mine!"

Rei's words pierced her heart.

"You're not my replacement. You're you. Your life is yours alone!"

That's why Rei smiled. Because he envied that Haku had friends. When she realized that, the light in Haku's eyes gradually returned to her.

"...Rei."

Haku put strength into her legs, stood up, and—

"All right, Rei!!"

She cried out in a voice full of wonderful courage. And Sakuhi, who was on her way, wasn't fast enough to react.

"—I'm sorry."

Bang.

A white bullet shot through Sakuhi's left chest.

※

"It was a long battle, Sakuhi."

Rei crouched down near Sakuhi, who fell down and was breathing heavily, and spoke. Haku stared at them from behind as he stroked her cheek.

"No."

Sakuhi spoke with a trembling body.

"No, I don't like this. I don't want this to be the end...!"

"This isn't the end. It's just the beginning. Truly."

As soon as Rei said it, he stopped stroking Sakuhi's cheek.

"I should have done this earlier, but you didn't let me do this until now— I'm sorry, Sakuhi. Please, rest peacefully."

"Wait...!!"

Sakuhi screamed as much as she could, but Rei put his hand on her forehead in silence. At that moment— Sakuhi's body became a pale light and disappeared into Rei's body.

"Are you alone again?"

"Yes, that's right. Sakuhi is asleep. Inside me."

After saying so, Rei slowly stood up and walked to Haku.

"Haku... Are you mad?"

"I'm not mad. If it weren't for you, I would have died — No... I wouldn't have even been born without you in the first place."

"That's not true."

Rei shook his head slowly.

"You have important people. As long as they're there, you're living, and you will continue to live."

He suddenly looked up at the tip of the spire and went on.

"If you break that crystal, the black rain in your city will stop completely. What do you want to do after that?"

"What do I want to do?"

Haku laughed softly.

"For now, I want to go back to the 〔Surface〕 and get in touch with everyone. To let them know I'm safe."

"And after that?"

When asked, Haku held the gun that was entrusted to her by Rei.

"There may not be much I can do. But I have the power to fight. So I want to go and stop the black rain in the world. ...I want to fight against Dominant."

"I see."

Rei smiled, but with gentle eyes.

"As I thought, you're much stronger than I am. Thank you for trusting me this far. I suppose I should be going soon."

"Eh? Where are you going?"

She asked, but without answering, he put his finger on Haku's forehead.

"To the place where I should be."

"What...?"

In the next moment, a lot of memories flowed into Haku. Not only grief, anger, and sorrow, but also joy. 

And when her heart was filled with warm things — Haku had fainted.

※

After a while, she got up quietly and slowly — looking all over her body. Her hands felt a little stronger, much like Rei's. Her hair was long enough to flow down to her waist,  much like Sakuhi's. And her clothes, which were supposed to be in a black robe, had changed into a white, loose dress. She looked like an angel.

"I am..."

She picked up the rolling knife and the gray gun and muttered.

"I am Tokido Haku. I'm Haku and nobody else. —Thank you, Rei."

When she said that, she wiped away the tears that had flowed unknowingly.

"Now's not the time to cry. I have to go!"

Haku rose into the air, now knowing what she had to do was simple. She stood still before the purple crystal at the tip of the cross.

"We don't need any more of this rain!

She raised the knife as hard as she could and shook it down. When the crystal broke to pieces, the black rain quickly evaporated. Looking back, the clouds were disappearing and the light had returned to the 〔Reverse World〕.

"The peace of the world... has broken, but now it's the next act."

With her gray hair waving in the wind, Haku clasped her knife and gun in her hands.

—There was a rainbow in the sky over there.

#heisei cataclysm #heisei project #heipro

[ramblings-of-a-mad-cat]

I've never met ANYONE who actually likes the Chibnall era. Would you seriously say that it's objectively good?

Brace yourself for unpopular (albeit positive) opinions.

Objectively? I don't know, I tend to feel like media is very much subjective and down to opinion. But on the whole...yeah. I'm gonna say yeah. I think the Chibnall era thus far is every bit as good as the Moffat Era and Davies Era were. It actually blows my mind to see the fandom come together and almost universally agree that the show has gone downhill. It's part of the reason why I kind of stepped away from the Doctor Who fandom because there's something very demoralizing about re-watching clips from Season 12 and seeing literally every comment just talk about how the show is ruined. And if I re-watch old clips, very often I come across comments that talk about how the show "used to" be good, and should have ended with Twelve, etc. I know a little reluctance toward the new Doctor can be part of the transition process, but normally the fans are over it by now.

Things haven't really changed.

I've been re-watching Twelve's era, and found a new appreciation for him. But I re-watched Thirteen's era right beforehand, and you know what? It holds up. Season 11 is remarkably strong. I can't think of a single "bad" episode in that season. It focuses on the characters, and thus it doesn't have nearly as strong ambitions, compared to one of the Moffat seasons, which were clever but often convoluted. They couldn't always stick the landing. (Looking at you, Season 6) But every has it's good parts and it's bad. The same man who wrote The Wedding of River Song and betrayed the entire season's storyline in the process...also wrote The Doctor Falls, which is probably my favorite final episode of any season ever. The Chibnall Era is the same way. The Tsuranga Conundrum isn't really a bad episode, it's just kind of forgettable, apart from the Pting. But then it is immediately followed up by Demons of the Punjab, which is an exceptional story in every way. I want the Thijurians to return for Thirteen's regeneration, I'm saying it.

My point being that even if there are episodes you can't stand in the new era, is that really exclusive to Chibnall? All the way back in Season 1, they had The Long Game, which I remember disliking, but it was sandwiched between Dalek and Father's Day, which are in my opinion, the two best episodes of that season. A lot of people don't like Orphan 55, for example. But it's followed up by Nikola Tesla's Night of Terror. Does anyone really dislike that episode? You're valid if you do, but I think it's really good. Ask me about any episode in the Chibnall Era, and I'll find something to like about it. (Except maybe Arachnids in the UK...and that one's not even bad, just kind of weak.) Because like I said, there is good and bad in every season...and I do think that the fandom has overblown how "bad" the Chibnall Era is...though that may be in part because I think this era is generally good? Incredible companions, solid episodes, a great Doctor, and hey...this era actually made the Daleks scary again. That is impressive. Even most of the hated episodes, like Orphan 55 as I mentioned...I enjoy them.

I stand by that. I think this era is great. If anything, I don't like that they reduced how many episodes we get, because some of these stories, like The Witchfinders and It Takes You Away especially Fugitive of The Judoon, are just begging to be two-parters. Spyfall is the only real two-parter we've had, in my opinion (Ascension of the Cybermen and The Timeless Children feel like two separate stories to me) and the episode was much stronger for having the extra time. If I have one genuine criticism with the Chibnall Era as a whole, it is the stark contrast between Seasons 11 and 12. I love Season 11, I thought it was beautiful. I like it far more than most people. I also truly enjoyed Season 12. But they are worlds apart, with Season 11 feeling so standalone and Season 12 picking up with a big storyline that really hadn't been hinted at all in the previous outing. The tone is also different, with The Doctor and "the fam" having a distance between them that seems to have developed offscreen in between seasons. It was as though Chibnall wanted to give everyone a breather from big overarching plots after the Moffat Era, but then after one season he decided "break's over" because he wanted to tell his story. And that's okay! It is. But it's jarring. Anyway, let's talk about Chibnall's storyline. You know where this is going.

"That" episode.

I meant what I said before. There isn't a single episode that I actively hate as much as say, Listen. Now let's get very controversial, because I know what y'all are thinking. "Not even The Timeless Children?" And I'll just get this out of the way right now: I don't think The Timeless Children, or it's twist, ruins Doctor Who. I don't think it gets anywhere close. I mentioned before that I was demoralized reading the comments on a clip of Doctor Who...to no one's surprise, it was this episode. Now, I may just be biased...after all, I didn't even hate Hell Bent. But while I have my criticisms of Season 12, The Doctor's revised backstory accounts for exactly none of them. You want to know what really bothers me? That we had a seven season buildup to Gallifrey's rescue, a nine season buildup to it's return...only for the show to do nothing with it, and then just destroy it again a couple of seasons later. As someone who loved The Day of The Doctor, I'm mad about that. Among other reasons, destroying Gallifrey is the kind of card you can really only play once.

So no, I don't think The Timeless Children is perfect. The Doctor had a seven season character arc culminating in them learning the lesson that using The Moment would be wrong, and that it was never okay to do something like that. To hear her even consider using The Death Particle, that "Or, a solution" line in response to Ryan appropriately reacting in horror? Yeah, that upset me. I don't like that Gallifrey is gone again, and even if The Doctor wasn't the one to do it, she almost did, and she left someone else to do it in her stead. That bothers me more than The Timeless Child ever could. That being said...the Timeless Child doesn't bother me. Seriously, it blows my mind that people act like this twist ruins Doctor Who. It...really doesn't, guys.

It does not insult the legacy of William Hartnell. He is still The First Doctor. It's not like there isn't a precedent for secret incarnations from The Doctor's past. We didn't start calling Christopher Eccleston The Tenth Doctor after we found out about John Hurt. Nothing can change The First Doctor's status or take it away, nor do I think Chibnall is trying. He is doing what I've actually wanted Doctor Who to do for a while. Give us a story about The Doctor's childhood. (Listen doesn't count, I don't care, that was all kinds of bad.) Let me ask you, what does this really change? I've seen people complain about the revision of The Doctor's history...but there's a precedent for that too. We could play bingo with how many times Clara fundamentally altered or influenced the show's history. She is the reason he started traveling, the reason he chose his Tardis, and the reason he saved Gallifrey. Why doesn't that bother people, if this does?

I also understand it if people dislike this change because they feel as though it makes The Doctor a kind of chosen one, compared to them having just been an average person who wanted to make a difference. I get that. However, this is down to interpretation, and there are so many ways to interpret The Doctor. Some people love it when The Doctor goes dark, other people cannot stand it and view it as out of character. Some people love it when The Doctor is heroic and badass, when they save the day...others would prefer that they take the backseat, teaching the humans how to save the day themselves. "The man who makes people better." And which interpretation you get, where it falls on the spectrum...it will vary from writer to writer. Moffat loved to make everything about The Doctor, and Davies frequently compared him to an angel or a god. This is not the first time that the show has portrayed The Doctor as a godlike being. It's not even close to the first time. And honestly? I don't think this makes The Doctor special or supernatural. I think it makes them a victim, nothing more. A victim of child abuse.

People also disliked this episode for removing the mystery behind The Doctor...but I fail to see how it did that? There are so. Many. Questions. That this finale opens up. Where did The Doctor come from? How and why did they get to our universe? What exactly is The Division? What went down between them and The Doctor? Where is Tecteun? (No, she's not Rassilon...) As the Masters asks, "What did they do to you, Doctor? How many lives have you had?" Amid all of the comments that made me sad, I did see a great one about how the original creator of Doctor Who actually didn't like it when they introduced the Timelords, because she felt that it boxed the show in and removed the mystery behind The Doctor, and how "She would have loved this episode." I agree with that. (Still salty that they destroyed Gallifrey though...) You know, I am genuinely interested in this story and where it's going to go, especially with the sixtieth anniversary approaching. But it depresses me that they might scale it back now, after how much the fandom has risen up against it. Not that I'm saying the fans shouldn't be happy, but...it's clear that a story is trying to be told here, and I think it should have that chance.

To each their own, of course. But I will never understand why this era is so hated.

#Doctor Who #Dr. Who #The Doctor #The Thirteenth Doctor #Chris Chibnall #Chibnall Era #Doctor Who Season 12 #Doctor Who Season 11 #Long post #Boy did this get long #Ramblings #The Timeless Children #The Timeless Child

[scullyeffect]

my conversation (through voice message) trying to get my friend out of an MLM

me: I'm really worried this is an MLM even though you say it's not. Are you sure?

friend: Hi, so it's actually called 'affiliate marketing'! If you watch the webclass it explains more in detail but our sales just go over and down the line. Not all the way up to a top human who gets all the money and we do all the work. It's okay to be skeptical. We've all been brought up to believe 'if it looks too good to be true it is', but I've got lots of videos from others in the business and my own personal testimony to prove that we are who we say we are. If you're interested just go watch the webclass.

me: So, it's kind of like the affiliate links?

friend: Yeah, it's exactly like that! And if all you do is purchase that's where it ends but there's an option in it where you can be on my team to distribute.

friend: And so where it's different from MLM/Pyramid Scheme bullshit is that we have a compensation plan that's patented, so no other company can use this. And basically our sales go over and down, like, you...and you create a line, basically. There's no pyramid, no stacking. So what that entails is also we have ranks, and ranks are really important. So, if I sell to my friend Danielle, and Danielle sells a bunch more than I do, or promotes the business really well, or is better at building a team than me, she could rank up higher than me, and then she could make more money than me even though she's below me.

me: *that is literally just a whack pyramid scheme*

friend: So, it's an 8-point payout system, so basically think of a pie chart with eight pieces. If you're a certain level, so if you're a 1A, you just get the A commission, just one piece. But there are obviously ranks that are hella higher than that, like if you're a 4A, you get four pieces. Say you're a 6A, and your 4A sells a machine, and they get their four points of commission, Enagic (the company) only pays out eight points, so even though you're a 6A, you're going to receive four. That's why we're not multilevel.

me: *oh my god that's still multilevel*

friend: I don't know if that was clarifying enough! If not definitely watch this little webclass she's so informative. *sends link*

me: *is doing extensive research about all this shit and doesn't click link*

friend: Also, it's not scary, the only thing that this link does is link you to me, for if you were to join or affiliate. And it only links you to me for three months. So if for any reason within the three months you want to pursue someone else within this business, that's allowed. So there's nothing permanent or scary about this, it doesn't take your card info or anything. Completely free.

me: *doesn't click link*

me: Do you get a steady income with this company, or is it a side hustle?

friend: So for right now it's a side hustle, but I did quit my second job because of it.

me: *SCREAMS*

friend: You do get steady income once you build your team up to the point where they're doing well, but it's a lot of energy exchange and putting time into these people and into your business. And obviously way down the line, like my friend Amelia started Breakaway Movement and she's been doing it for two years, and she's just achieved the rank of 6A2-3, and this is where your steady income starts. SO she got a $30,000 bonus, and she gets $5,000 a month for life, which is super cool because she can pass that residual income on to her kids. And this is on top from the commissions she's already receiving. So that can happen, but you have to work your butt off.

friend: For example, my first sale, I'll make anywhere from $700 to over $1,000, and that's only for one person. I have friends who started last month and have already made $8,000, granted they've had entrepreneurial experience, but it is something that can happen if you allow yourself to receive it.

me: *pulling my hair out and wanting to scream JESUS CHRIST THIS IS A PYRAMID SCHEME YOU DUMMY*

me instead: So like just to be clear I’m 100% just saying this because I care about you, like I know for everyone who’s skeptical about something there are five people who are gonna contradict me and that’s fine I’m just offering my opinion. But I have two red flags about this stuff and I really am just doing it to look out for you.

me: *gently launches into a long bio/chem/physiology diatribe about how alkaline water really just violates BASIC laws of chem/phys and reasons people get results from this stuff is because they think it's so good for them so they drink MORE of it, and water is great for you so your body is like YUM and of COURSE your skin gets better, you lose weight, you feel healthier, YOU'RE DRINKING WATER. Your body is DESIGNED to hustle itself to keep internal pH between 7.3-7.4 and alkaline water won't hurt you but it doesn't really do much. But in developed nations buying a $4,000 water filter system is just...not...worth it.*

me: And I also found something about Breakaway online that I think you should see, but I'm doing this as a friend and feel free to disregard everything I'm saying.

me: *sends screenshot of a subreddit of people exposing the girl who started Breakaway because she USED to be in an MLM with the same company but basically just...in a shady way recreated the same scheme with herself at the top? (link if you want)*

friend: I know you're not trying to like, fight me on any of this and you're doing it as a friend, but we actually have doctors and scientists talking about this since it is actually a Medical Grade Machine. I don't have all of that info, because it kind of flies over my head, but I know people who know about that stuff.

me: *WHY WOULD YOU SELL SOMETHING THAT CLAIMS TO AFFECT PEOPLE'S HEALTH WITHOUT KNOWING EXACTLY WHAT YOU'RE SELLING I*

friend: If you want some more scientific information, I could maybe find someone who could help explain it to you. I just read a story recently on our message boards about a girl with a bunch of chronic illnesses who was healed from it, and her husband is a science teacher.

me: *rolling eyes, maybe it'll clear up my bad case of epilepsy*

friend: And as for the MLM comments, as a human on the inside who sees everything this company has to offer, this just isn't an MLM...by definition. But we're about network marketing and affiliate lines, totally not MLM.

friend: *goes off about how there's a HUGE difference between alkaline water and alkalized water*

me: *god i don't care about the water i only said all that to not directly say THIS IS A SCAM YOU'RE IN AN MLM DON'T QUIT YOUR JOB FOR THIS*

me instead: Okay well I'm sure you know more than me because you're more involved! I just skeptical of any type of networking where you have to like go down any sort of line or there's anyone at the top and it's about climbing.

friend: Our platform is super centered on genuine personal connection, like I don't go door to door, I just post my content (she's a YouTuber) and try to make a team and just...I can't think of the words...

friend: To just have this team and platform that's pure. I don't want their money. I want to help them change their life and be their mentor, if that makes sense.

friend: I totally understand your skepticism, but it's not about climbing on top of people or anything, it's just climbing in rank.

me: *christ am i actually trying to teach someone the definition of a word here*

friend: But if you have that mindset, maybe just...sales aren't your calling in life, which is 100% perfect for your journey and your life. But I hold the view that money is energy, and if you want to watch my friend Amelia, when she got her bonus she gave away $15,000 just because she could. These aren't evil people.

me: *she SAID she gave it away in a YOUTUBE VIDEO. give me receipts. also at the moment sales are my life i'm whoring myself out to 5 different colleges*

me instead: Wow, that's amazing!

friend: *sends me a link explaining alkalized water, source is the site from her company*

me: *leaves the chat*

#i'm sorry but #also i'm slightly salty bc the last time i saw her she came to my house after a night of unprotected sex #and asked me to go get her the morning after pill #she has since become a lesbian

[kerosiiniviini]

i feel bad about complaining about something so unimportant when there are people literally dying but

so, mother and i have thought about getting a cat for a long time but first we had to test if her vocal cords react to them or not. she has a common but very unresearched(?) condition where almost all particles is the air make her voice not work, everytime she goes anywhere near dogs, perfume or almost anything scented, sawdust, cigarette smoke or people who have them in their clothes her voice becomes very hoarse.

this is caused by her working in moldy schools for decades. the same reason why i have this eternal stuffy/runny nose. also even though it's a common diagnosis especially among teachers at least here is finland there's pretty much no info about "other dysphonia" online and we all know why...

i'd say about 90% of schools in finland are full of mold but nobody does anything about it since it would be "too expensive" (i'll try not to go on a rant about capitalism and valuing money over people's health) also the doctors she has went to have all said the same thing about why no research has been done/published (this is probably a problem in other countries too): if it could be proven that the disease came from the mold in schools (even though it is obvious but 100% proof is needed which fucking sucks use your heads pls), and other workplaces but mostly schools, the cities would have to pay millions of euros for compensation. ik this sounds like a fucking conspiracy theory but i've witnessed all of this and it's clear as day.

so, now the actual part: we had to test if she reacts to cats too. she does and now we have to bury our dreams of having a cat since there's no treatment and it pisses me off so much.

also before anyone asks, it has nothing to do with allergies or allergic reactions, it is a separate system in the body which is also why nobody knows anything about it smh

#muu dysfonia #other dysphonia

[koffeehouse]

So I was wondering if I could ask about some mental health stuff I have kind of a lot to say so it might be a couple different asks I'll try to put like part 1 and part 2 so maybe you'll know :) P1- this year I have lost 5 people and all of them except for one have been very sudden shocking losses. Four people I went to school with but two I was closer to. I had a very hard time dealing with it all at once because it all happened so fast and now I've been feeling so horrible.

P2- so this is part two I guess I'll just continue what is was saying yea so This summer i lost two more of my close friends to another car accident. Idk if I told you before or not but most of these losses have been from car accidents. Now I'm scared to drive I literally hate it I'm trying to get my intermediate because my family needs me to drive but I can't drive without thinking about an accident or picturing my friends accidents. I started to get super depressed and i have to start therapyP3- Idk what to do because I don't know what's wrongs with me I wasn't extremely close with the people I've lost but it's hitting me very hard and I still can't get the images out of my head of the cars. I feel guilty for mourning over people I didn't know that well when their friends and family are going through a lot worse than me but I'm being over dramatic I guess.I'm not sure if I could have some sort of ptsd or if it's just depression but Im just kind of lost sorry for the rant thanks💜

You’re always always allowed to rant here, gorgeous, I promise! First of all, I’m so incredibly sorry to hear about what you’re going through, I can’t even begin to imagine how the last year has been for you and how that’s taken affect on your mental health. I think the fact that you’re starting therapy is going to begin to answer all these questions for you - it’s what therapy is meant to do, help you work through your emotions, figure out where you are emotionally and mentally and then how to get through things and manage. I’m no doctor myself, but it certainly does sound like you’re going through something, whether it’s PTSD or depression. Traumatic accidents and incidents don’t come without a certain degree of scarring on our emotions, I’ve found, whether we were there in the moment or it happened to someone that we know. Please try to go to therapy with an open mind and let the therapist help you, that’s what they’re there for! It can be a daunting and anxiety-inducing experience but I promise you, if you push through that initial bit of fear and you go in willing to be as candid with your therapist as you are with me, I think you may find that once you finish up entirely what a true help therapy can be for someone who is struggling with mental health. Your mental health is so, so important, and you ought to take care of it as well and just as seriously as we do our physical health, and seeing a therapist is a great first step. They’ll help you figure out what’s going on, whether it’s depression or PTSD, or something else entirely. Try not to self-diagnose, it can always wind up not being accurate or for the best. As for your driving, you’ve had some rather triggering events that give you, in my mind, certainly enough cause to be afraid to get behind the wheel and drive (god only knows I have a little bit of anxiety every time I get in the car and I’ve certainly never been anywhere near your experience with automobile accidents) but be easy on yourself. Yes, it may be more convenient for your family. Yes, it may be this and that and the other but you are much more likely to get yourself into an accident if you aren’t behind the wheel in a clear headspace. Just like my mom tells me not to drive when I’m angry or upset, driving when you’re that anxious and that wrapped up in your thoughts is just as dangerous. Going for your license is a big step, the fact you are committed to getting it is a leap within itself. Go at your own pace. Like I said, you need to take care of your mental health just as much as you do your physical. It is just as important. I love you so so much, beautiful! Take things easy.

#advice #mental health advice #advice blog #ask blog #ask me anything #*