#me: being in the mental ward on suicide watch and in the bpd clinic was horrid and traumatizing | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

my-emotional-self · 3 years

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Toxic Love Chapter 7

Pairings: Steve Rogers x Reader, Bucky Barnes x Reader, Steve Rogers x Reader x Bucky Barnes

Summary: Finding out your soulmates were Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes was one thing. But when someone from your past comes back to haunt you, you have to figure out if a relationship with two super soldiers is something you really want to pursue or if you’d rather go back to your comfortable single life.

Series Warnings: 18+, Swearing, Angst, Fluff, past mentions of rape, self-harm, attempted rape, domestic violence, stalking, death threats, possible Dark!Steve?, Steve will be an asshole a LOT in this series but I don’t know how dark it will get, explicit sexual content, mental health issues, kind of A/B/O dynamics but not really (no they are not actual wolves, more like the hierarchy), mentions of suicide, flashbacks of suicide, nightmares

A/N: There will be no taglist for this story! I apologize in advance!

8 Years Ago – Age 17

“Y/N, do you know why you are here?” the shrink asked from across the large desk. You looked down at the typical uniform of a patient at a psychiatric ward. Yes you knew why you were in here. A few months ago you witnessed your father’s dead corpse hanging in your living room. The next thing you knew you were writing a suicide note of your own and your foster parents found it before you could do anything. Now, you were stuck in a psych ward, probably until you at least turned 18.

“Yep,” came your short response.

The shrink glanced down at her papers in front of her, going through all of your notes. “We want to help you as best we can Y/N. You’ve been through some very traumatic experiences in your life and you’ve witnessed a great deal. We are going to get you all the help you need.”

3 Months Later

“Have you heard of Borderline Personality Disorder Y/N?” your psychiatrist, Dr. Wang asked.

That made your head snap in her direction. Here you were, still stuck in the psych ward after three months and you weren’t sure why. “I’ve heard of that, yes. But I thought I was just depressed,” you mumbled, chewing on your fingernail.

You were clinically diagnosed with depression shortly after coming here.

“Well, that’s what we originally thought at first. But the longer you’ve spent time here, the more I and the rest of the staff have discovered it is BPD. You’re intense mood swings, combined with your ongoing feelings of emptiness and the intense bouts of anger you have are all signs of BPD. We are going to switch up your medications and that will really help with your mood swings and anger issues.

~~~

No matter how hard you tried, sleep never came to you that afternoon. You tossed and turned all afternoon in your bed and nothing seemed to be working. Not only that, but you were really starting to get more irritable as the day went on and you knew it was time to change the dosing of your medication. It was like clockwork, every year to year and a half. The only problem was that you couldn’t leave the tower without Steve, Bucky or an anyone else. How were you supposed to get an appointment with your Psychiatrist if you couldn’t leave the tower alone? This only increased your anger and frustration as you got out of bed to get ready.

You brushed your teeth and put on a some jeans and a t-shirt, not really caring what you threw on. All of the specific clothing you wore for work was in the closet of your game room along with your makeup and accessories.

Upon leaving your room, you saw Steve and Bucky sitting at the island in the kitchen of your shared apartment. They both looked deep in thought over some paperwork and you assumed it was for work.

Grabbing a bottle of water from the kitchen, you were about to head into the elevator as you didn’t want to disturb them, but Steve spoke up and caught your attention. “Where are you off to?”

“Oh, umm, I’m heading down to my game room. I’m going to work tonight,” you mumbled out as you pressed the button for the elevator. You noticed it was on the ground floor and it would take a few minutes to get to your level.

“What time do you plan on being done?” Steve questioned.

You huffed in annoyance, already irritated as anger began to creep through your bones. “I don’t know. Whenever I get done,” you snapped. Immediately you felt regret, but sometimes your emotions got the better of you when you were in dire need of a medication change.

“Hey, what’s with the attitude?” Steve commanded as he got up from his seat and stalked over to you, hands on his hips. You noticed Bucky looking at you from his seat with furrowed brows. They had never seen you angry like this. You were always so compliant and easy going.

“Look, I’m sorry. I’m just tired is all.”

Steve looked at you sharply, his lips in a thin tight line. “Alright. Just make sure you get to bed at a reasonable time tonight. Promise?”

“I promise,” you answered back.

~~~

In the comfort of your game room, you quickly got to work. Digging through your closet, you decided on a light pink tank top that said ‘Gamer Girl’ in black letters with two gamer controls on it. Since your webcam only showed your top half, you threw on a black pair of cotton shorts to be comfortable.

Next, you put your hair up in space buns, making sure they were situated just right so they wouldn’t be in the way of your headphones. You put on your typical game night makeup: bright pink eyeshadow with dark smoked out liner, some mascara and blush and you were good to go.

Turning on your monitor, you began to power everything up and once that was done, you logged in. Immediately your followers started putting in their messages off to the side and you smiled as you read them. You always tried to read as much of them as you could.

As the night went on, you knew you should pack it up and listen to what Steve said; getting to bed at a descent time and getting rest. But you were having way too much fun tonight and so were your followers. It was one of the best nights you’d had in months and not just money wise.

Ignoring the clock you continued to play and interact with your followers with the microphone that was attached to your headphones. Every so often you would glance to your messages box and see what some of them had said. Most of them were cheering you on but of course you always had some haters in there as well.

It was when you noticed the screen name of one of them that made your blood run cold. JSmith20. ‘It can’t be’ you thought to yourself, trying to keep as composed as possible as hundreds of people were watching you game in this very moment.

John’s last name is Smith and he always told you how his favorite number was 20, because that was how old you were when you met him. No, but he’s still in prison. He hasn’t gotten out. He’ll be in there for many more years to come. It had to be one of his friends right? The same friend that had been delivering those letters to your old apartment. ‘Yes, that’s right. It’s just one of his friends trying to torment you’ you thought to yourself.

Then, the person behind that screen name typed a message into your message box.

Hey babe. Do you miss me yet? I can’t wait to see you – J

Yep, your composure went out the window reading the message. Then another message from him popped up.

I see you are no longer living in that little one bedroom apartment. Did you really think you could up and move and I wouldn’t be able to find you? Oh babe, how cute. I will find you and we will meet again soon. I promise – J

As you stared at the words on your screen, you heard groans from the other players on your team. You had just lost the game.

“Shit,” you swore, anger bubbling up inside of you. “Fucking damnit!” You slammed your fist on the desk.

You rarely lost games. Losing always put you in a foul mood. But because of already being irritable and your emotions on over drive, losing just made everything worse.

Looking at the clock it was just before five in the morning so you logged off and shut everything down.

You took your hair out of the buns, immediately feeling the tension in your head ease. Ever so quietly, you opened the door and poked your head out into the hallway. It was bitch black so you used your phone as a flashlight and tiptoed to the elevator. Before pressing the button on the elevator, you paused. What if the noise of the elevator woke up Steve or Bucky? You had promised Steve that you would get to bed at a descent time and seeing as it was just about five in the morning, well, you kind of figured you’d be in trouble.

Instead, you opened the door to the stairs which was situated right next to the elevator. At least taking the stairs would be much quieter.

You climbed the stairs up a few levels until you reached your living level and you waited on baited breath for a few moments. Nothing. Nothing but silence. As quiet as a mouse, you snuck through the door and dashed to your room, thanking your lucky stars that the palm scanner didn’t make any noise.

You took a nice hot shower, washing off all of your makeup and the stress of the last few hours. As much as you wanted to forget John messaging you, it wasn’t going to happen, neither was any sleep.

Rather than even bothering to get into bed and try to relax, you sent an email to your psychiatrist letting her know that you would more than likely need a dose change on your medications. Frantically typing away at the email, you explained how you were beginning to get irritated and it was harder for you to control your bouts of anger.

Luckily for you, Dr. Wang was an early bird and she emailed you right back. She wanted you to come see her for an appointment and your heart immediately dropped. That wasn’t going to happen as one of your rules was that you weren’t allowed out of the tower by yourself. And as much as you liked Darcy, you couldn’t trust her to go with you and not say anything to Steve or Bucky.

Typing out your reply, you explained that you were unfortunately not able to meet in person and if there was anything else that could be done. After you hit sent, you began to pace in your apartment, clearly on edge with everything going on. You just wanted to feel better; you hated feeling this way. It was as if you weren’t in control of your body and you definitely weren’t in control of your emotions.

A notification came through your laptop and you rushed towards it, almost tripping over your feet. As you read her words, you could have cried right then and there. She had agreed to a phone call appointment and she had time right now to discuss things with you.

Grasping your phone, you dialed her number.

“It’s good to hear from you Y/N,” Dr. Wang stated as she answered the phone.

“Oh Dr. Wang it is so good to hear your voice.”

She let out a soft chuckle. “Yes, it has been a little over six months since we’ve last spoken. How are things going with you?”

“Where to begin,” you started off saying. You let her know that you indeed met your soulmates and had moved in with them. You went over the rules that Steve had given you and she made you feel better as she stated she had seen way worse rules. Hell, she said your rules were like a walk in the park compared to some she has heard.

“Alright, now, let’s get down to business. How are you feeling these past few days?” she asked curiously.

“Ugh, not good. Moving was stressful but I have been feeling really irritated over the last few and I’ve had a few bouts of anger rush through me that makes me want to punch something, but I’ve luckily been able to hold back on that.”

“What about any risky behaviors such as reckless driving, spending sprees, binge eating, drug abuse or sabotaging anything positive in your life?”

“Not yet,” you stated. You knew the routine. She was going over all the symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder to see what has changed with you.

“Ok good. How about any intense fears of abandonment or rejection?”

That question always hit you like a punch to the gut. The only reason you had stayed with John for so long was because of that right there. He purposely wouldn’t let you see Dr. Wang or he wouldn’t take you to get your medications refilled and because of that, you were starting to feel those feelings; not wanting to be abandoned no matter what.

“Nope,” you replied.

“Ok then. I am going to increase the dosing on your current medications but I want to warn you. Without you coming in and personally seeing me and without getting some blood work done, I don’t know how well this dosing is going to work, if it will work at all. We might need to discuss changing the medication all together,” she stated.

“I understand Dr. Wang. And do you think maybe you could prescribe some sort of sleep medication for me too?”

“I can prescribe a one week trial of a sleeping medication for you. After that, I really need you to try and come see me in the office and we can discuss that further. Now, did you want me to send these prescriptions into your regular pharmacy?”

“Yes, that would be great. Thank you so much Dr. Wang.”

“No worries at all Y/N. Give the office a call and get an appointment set up.”

“I will. Thanks again.”

Now that you had your medications all taken care of, you had to figure a way to leave the tower so you could get them.

#steve rogers x reader #steve rogers x you #steve rogers fanfiction #steve rogers fanfic #steve rogers smut #bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes x you #bucky barnes fanfic #bucky barnes fanfiction #bucky barnes smut #dark!steve rogers #dark! steve rogers

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03josten · 5 years

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can u recommend somega movies and tv that have good mental illness rep?

yeah!!!!

Banana, season 1 episode 6.

The main character of this episode, Amy has OCD and the episode follows her daily struggles and how it interferes with her work, social and dating life. Amy is also a lesbian and starts dating a policewoman throughout the episode, so some nice lesbian rep there!!! Think the episode is on dailymotion!

Lady Dynamite

This is a comedic fictionalised version of Maria Bamford's life as she tries to get back to work following a stay in a psych ward due to her bipolar 2 disorder. It's a really fun show with accurate MI rep and great MI comedy. I don't think there's anything trigger warning worthy but correct me if I'm wrong.

High Life

This is a short mini series focusing on a teenage girl as she experiences her first manic episode. Probably the most accurate mania portrayal I've seen. Trigger warning for attempted assault and student/teacher relationships (nothing happens but there's an attempt on the students part.)

Girl, Interrupted

Really one of my favourite movies of all time. Definitely one of the only movies set in a psych hospital that isn't a horror. Based off of the memoir of the same name, Susanna Kaysen attempts suicide and is voluntarily admitted to a psych ward for teenage girls. She is diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, but at the time BPD meant being on the borderline between neurosis and psychosis, so it's not an accurate portrayal of the modern BPD diagnosis. It deals with psychosis, depression, OCD and disordered eating mostly. Trigger warning for suicide, both attempted and a very graphic successful suicide scene near the end of the movie. There are also racist remarks made towards one of the nurses at once point, mentions of incest and drug abuse.

Euphoria

I really really love the portrayal of chronic mental illness in this show. As a child, the main character Rue suffered from OCD and panic attacks, then as she grew older, became a drug addict and is eventually diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Really loved the portrayal of both bipolar mania and depression in this show, as well as the fact that the main character is an addict who isn't demonised for her addiction. Rue's love interest, Jules, also has struggles with mental health and was admitted onto a psych ward as a child where she self harmed. Trigger warning for drug abuse, self injury, rape, domestic violence and overdoses.

Crazy Ex-Girlfriend

I PROMISE THE TITLE IS SATIRICAL. The show follows main character Rebecca, a lawyer with borderline personality disorder. She runs into her ex boyfriend one day and decides to up and leave her life to try to win him back. This show is really important in breaking down female stereotypes in the media and is very interesting and diverse!! Rebecca does not received her diagnosis until later on in the show. Trigger warnings for suicide attempts, toxic relationships and stalking.

Binge

The creators of this web series are currently working on turning this into a full TV or streaming service series, so as of now there only exists one episode and a prequel that you can watch on youtube. This is a fictionalised retelling of the main actress' experience with bulimia and alcoholism. It's a dark comedy so though it touches on some troubling issues, it's quite enjoyable and kind of takes the shock horror out of talking about eating disorders. Angela is a chef/baker whose life is falling apart. While blackout drunk at a bar, she signs herself up for an eating disorder treatment clinic. Trigger warning for disordered behaviours like restriction, binging, purging and exercise, as well as alcoholism of course.

Some other shows I recommend: The Haunting of Hill House, Tragicomic, Bojack Horseman, SKAM, SKAM España, Shameless (US) and Maniac.

#asks

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