#all my life im just being prepared to mentally endure to step in and be in the midst of (probably when and not) if | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

gale-gentlepenguin · 3 years

Text

ML Ficlet: Nothing changed

It was unnaturally cold for this time of year. That is what the crimson heroine thought to herself as she dashed across the rooftops in the city of love.

She landed on the roof that was their usual meet up point.

"Just in time My Lady." Chat noir purred. "Looks like you are keeping your promise about not missing our patrols."

Ladybug wished she could be in a happier mood. She was questioning whether she should even tell him about what she did.

"Ladybug? You in there?" Chat noir inquired. "I called you my Lady again and you didn't correct me?"

His question snapped Ladybug back to the present.

"Huh? Oh, right sorry." She apologized.

"A lot on your mind?"

"You could say that."

"Do you want to talk about it? Or is it guardian stuff?"

Ladybug decided she would tell him after patrol tonight, she didn't want the mood to be soured over this.

She takes his hand.

"We can talk later. But first, Paris needs protecting." She smiled sweetly. The cat felt a faint blush on his cheeks. But the feeling faded when he realized she had taken off.

"Oh! So thats how you want to play." Chat noir smiled.

The two teens patrolled the city from above. They made sure to protect several food stands... in case an akuma was Hangry. Making time to take photos. They even comforted a girl after a bad date, preventing an akuma in the making.

It had been awhile since Chat noir was able to enjoy a patrol with Ladybug like this. She wasn't so high strung trying to force herself to have fun or so quick to get out. It was like nothing had changed. Perhaps Ladybug had finally found a good balance, he hoped that was the case.

Though as soon as it started, the patrol was at an end. Chat noir wishing it could have went on forever.

"Well sadly while the night is young, we must part." Chat noir acted out like a thespian. Using over dramatic hand gestures to exemplify his 'Heartbreak.'

"Silly kitty." Ladybug let out a sigh and light giggle. Oh how it was music to his ears.

"Well good night bugaboo. I will dream of you." He teased.

Ladybug's expression went grim.

"Wait a second."

Chat noir stopped himself from leaping.

"Yes My... yes Ladybug?"

Chat noir could tell that the mood had shifted. He had gotten better at reading her emotions and it was clear she was going to say something serious. He put away the mental clown nose.

"I... I need to tell you something important." Ladybug spoke. Her words holding much more weight with each passing second.

"Look Ladybug... if this is too much you don't have to tell me. I know that..."

"No, I need to tell you this. Even if it hurts." Ladybug interrupted. Her voice shook in that moment.

The air blew much colder to the cat.

"Okay, what is it?"

Chat noir prepared for some sort of verbal punch. Whatever it was, he was sure he could take it.

"I told someone my identity."

He was wrong. It was like he had the air knocked out of him. That couldn't be right. There was no way she would.... right?

"I'm sorry Ladybug. I think I must of misheard what you said. Cause it sounded like you said you told someone your secret identity." He tried to make light of it. His body shaking as he forced a Cheshire grin.

"You didn't. I told someone who I am under the mask."

His heart felt like it was dropped off the roof of the building they were standing on.

"You mean someone forced you to tell them? Cause we can track them down and fix it."

"I told someone, of my own free will, who I am. I know that comes as a shock. You are right to feel mad."

The cat hero looked at her, his expression became unreadable.

"Mad? You think I would be mad about this?" His voice trying to so hard to maintain calm when every part of his heart feels like he is being stabbed. "I am hurt, that you would think that."

"It wasn't something I did to hurt you. I just felt the pressure of everything... and I couldn't.... I couldn't bear it alone." Ladybug answered. She was not happy with this. She knew chat noir would feel hurt, but she never expected this.

Chat noir took a deep breath. He would ease himself. He needed to be rational. Ladybug was being honest with him. She could have just kept it from him. He needed to understand how hurt she must feel about all of this. Even if this felt like his heart was being dissected, he would not make Ladybug feel worse about this. He would try to be understanding.

"Okay... I understand. Fu had Marianne. Its okay that you would tell someone."

Ladybug eased a bit, the cat seemed to be coming around.

"It wasn't something I wanted to do. I know how much this must sting hearing this."

This felt so condescending to the black cat. And that was the last straw.

"No. Not at all. I mean sure I want nothing more in life then to know who my closest friend and crime fighting partner is. And sure, I completely hated the rule with a passion that could rival the desire shadow moth has for our miraculous. But I stuck to it because, hey, it was for the sake of Paris and it made sure we could stay safe from the crazy super villain. It made sense, and even though I wanted to tell one person who I love who I am, I couldn't risk it. Even though it ruined the relationships I had, I endured. I did it because, Ladybug was counting on me. I did it because even though it was killing me internally, Ladybug was bearing the same burden! It was us against the world! I could endure it with her! I guess that was a lie too!"

Chat noir took a breath.

"Chatton..."

"Im not done." He snapped. His smile had vanished, showing a nasty snarl.

Ladybug felt herself step back. The ferocity of that statement triggered a long suppressed fear. Something she wished she would never see again. The reason why she didn't want him to find out her identity. She saw the anger of Chat Blanc.

Chat noir noticed the fear on ladybug's face, and the tears forming in her eyes. He had gone too far. His anger replaced with horror at what he had done.

"Wait... Ladybug... That was too far."

"No... you're right to be mad. I broke your trust. I forced you to agree to things you hated and then I broke the rule I set. I just... I couldn't take it. So I know I am being selfish to expect you to take it in stride. You don't deserve this. I would understand if you hate me and want to quit..."

Chat noir hugged her. Catching the red heroine off guard.

"This isn't your fault. Yes I'm mad. I am also hurt and feel betrayed... but I don't hate you."

"You don't?"

"I couldn't hate you Ladybug. Its not like I've been the perfect partner. I've screwed up too. But you still want me around right?" Chat noir answered.

"I don't think I could be ladybug without you."

Chat noir felt his emotions ease.

"And I couldn't be Chat noir without you."

He releases the hug.

They stood in silence for a few minutes. Both taking calming breaths. They wanted to ensure they were both able to continue talking without a potential akuma risk.

"So, you told someone because you needed someone to talk to because being the guardian along with other stuff was too much for you to handle quietly. " Chat noir asked calmly.

"Yes, that is what happened."

"It was better you told someone then just suffered alone. I wanted to be your support... but I understand that its dangerous right now if I know who you are and vice versa." Chat noir continued.

"I know its hard to accept..."

"No no, lets not try and ease it. I will accept it over time. I just want you to know that its okay that you did that. I want you to know that despite how much it hurt, I am glad you told me now. Finding this out... that might have hurt so much worse. It would have felt like nothing changed from back then."

Ladybug knew he was referring to how master fu had kept her from tell him about things. How he was left in the dark? She hated that period of her life.

"When this is over, when Hawkmoth is done. I swear we can reveal our identities to each other. We can even go catch a movie."

Chat noir smiled a bit.

"I would like that."

In the end, Chat noir was still hurt by this, but he knew how to take a bit of pain. He would move past it, he and Ladybug would still be partners. He still love her dearly. Nothing changed.

#ml #gang of secrets #ml spoilers #ml ficlet #hurt and comfort #miraculous ladybug #ladynoir #ladybug #chat noir #chat blanc mention #ml angst #ml season 4

296 notes · View notes

technowoah · 3 years

Text

Revolutions Always Fall

You should've learned from L'Manburg. The Butcher Gang was a mistake.

- REQUESTED!

- I tried to put 2 requests in one here.

- its really long 🤧🤞🏽

Prompts!

13) "You made me lose all my faith and trust in you"

38) "They warned me about this.” “About what?” “You.”

47)“Are you satisfied now...?”

⚠︎ memtions of blood, voilence, fighting, swearing, Technoblade's execution episode. Angst.

Masterlist!

Dear Technoblade,

I wont make the same mistakes again

- an old friend. ♤

Technoblade was always a threat, and you learned that from L'Manburg. You had befriended him when he joined Pogtopia and very quickly you two seemed to click. He saw the world through different eyes and that intrigued you. You wanted to be him, live life the way he does it for just a day.

He was a killing machine, he was smart tactical, but still had the thirst for blood that made him be so smart and tacitcal with how he kills.

You on the other hand were not a big fan of killing, but this war was an exception. This war made you practice, it made you angry, it lit a fire underneath you that you didnt know you had. Along with the other members of Pogtopia, Technoblade helped you fight, how to wield a sword, knife, gun, anything that you can get your hands on you turned it into a weapon, you Soon enough you had mastered weapons and you werent so passive.

You questioned yourself if this was living through Technoblade, the need to fight, hunt, to protect. You felt poweful. As you hold your own crafted swords in your hand you know what you can do. You could do so much damage with this sword, he gave you that sword. It wasn't special at all but you made it special, because in your eyes it was.

"You can do so much with a sword, people just don't know how to use it to its fullest potential. They dont know their full potential either. But now you do."

Thats what he said to you in between those stone walls called Pogtopia.

After what he said to you had done so. Used the sword to your full potential, used anything to your full potential. You wanted to be more and more you became.

"You ready?" Technoblade smirked.

"Hell yeah Im ready to kill that bastard." You smiled

"Woah-oh! You weren't saying this a couple months ago."

"Schlatt deserves it. That's not L'Manburg. This is L'Manburg." You stretched out your arms to the others who were gathering armor and polishing their weapons for the battle yet to come.

You smiled knowing this will all end soon, you wouldn't be in a cave anymore, you wouldn't have to hide the fact that you knew where Wilbur was and that he was planning the attack, Pogtopia will be no more and L'Manburg would be back.

"L'Manburg will be back." You said while taking a sword out of a chest.

"Sure." You heard him scoff beside you.

"What's that supposed to mean?" You asked slightly offended. Wasn't he fighting for the same thing?

"I dont know. Revolutions always fall." He turned his back to you and walked away leaving you to your own thoughts.

You hated it. He was right, he was always right and you hated it. And everyone else did too, they knew he was right. It wasnt what the majority wanted, we wanted L'Manburg while he didn't want to be held by government in the first place. That's what he meant that day in Pogtopia.

L'Manburg, one defeated, was now growing once more. After the "end" of L'Manburg you couldn't forgive him. Your anger and the feeling of betrayal kept growing and growing everyday, every time you picked up that damned sword he gave you. It was the best sword you had, you had enchanted it multiple times. You had to use it, but the only thing was the memories that came with it.

Your anger only worsened as time went on, having to hear about Technoblade and how he was such a threat to L'Manburg only made you want to destroy him and the past you two had created. That would be the closure you needed, but someone was already three steps a head of you.

In spite of your anger you and Quackity had the most magnificent idea to make a gang to finally kill Technoblade for the sake of L'Manburg. The idea was to go confront him at his house and take him back to L'Manburg for an execution. You were on board with the idea 100%. This was better for L'Manburg and better for yourself, finally someone who got you.

Quackity and you planned tirelessly to try and get Technoblade's location and bring him back. The Butcher Gang was made from the cabinet of L'Manburg. During these long days you two grew closer, you two were so different in ways of thinking, but you two shared the same end goal which worked out in your favor. You two went through hell and back just to find out that the easiest way to get to Technoblade was sitting in L'Manburg right at that moment. Philza, some may say Technoblade's only friend at the moment. He was loyal to Technoblade and you dont blame him at all, but you needed to find out where his companion was.

It was all going well, the Butcher Gang had put Phil on house arrest and Tubbo had found a compass that led them straight to Technoblade's location. Everything was going well and according to plan, you didnt want to show it on your face as you saw Technoblade's house from the spot in the woods the Butcher Gang was hiding in, but you wanted this so badly. You didnt where he was going to be, he could've came and bestowed more destruction. It was like knowing he was there, but not knowing when he was going to strike.

The anxiety that came with not knowing where Technoblade was always with you, but now it wont be.

The Butcher Gang ended up taking Technoblade by force back into the city. You were proud that you were all able to get the blood hungry pig-man to come back with you all. He was behind bars with an anvil hanging high over his head. As Tubbo gave his speech your short lived happiness soon faded as a man appeared and smoke filled the area. You started to get attacked by what seemed like Dream and Punz while Tubbo continued to yell for Quackity to pull the lever to finally kill Technoblade.

"Pull the lever Big Q!"

"Kill him Quackity!" You yelled with him.

He did it. The anvil fell fast towards Technoblade's body, but as fast as the anvil landed on him his skin, bones, and blood regenerate and return to its normal state. Your eyes widened as the totem in his hand began to disintegrate into gold dust.

"DAMMIT!" You yelled in agony while Ranboo and Fundy continued to fend off Dream and Punz until they retreated.

Once they did you realized Technoblade was gone, you saw him in the distance running away from the scene, but you couldn't let this happen. You couldn't let the fear of Technoblade being out there doing God knows what forever. The fear of him boiled in your heart as you broke out into a sprint towards Technoblade.

As you ran into a more secluded area you heard footsteps behind you. You glances back to see Quackity following your lead with an axe in his hand. Slowing down a bit you both ran side by side.

"Let's get this son of a bitch!" Quackity huffed as you both came across a cave.

You both knew Technoblade was in there so you both prepared for the mental and physical pain you would both endure. This wasn't like the Butcher Gang where it was 5 against 1, it was 2 against 1 and you've seen Technoblade fight this fight before.

"You ready to kill this bastard?" He calmed his breathing down.

"Of course I am." You kept your eyes foward.

You walked deep into tha cave to see 6 chests and a sign that said "final control room", that bastard. Wanting to be quiet you tried to sneak up on Technoblade, but Quackity's anger got the best of him.

"What the fuck is this Technoblade?! What the hell are you doing here?" He asked gripping his sword too tight.

"It not what it looks like." Technoblade airly laughed. He had an enchanted pickaxe in his hand and an open chest with netherite armor.

"How the hell did that anvil not kill you?!" Quackity yelled.

Technoblade started laughing, he was laughing, he was taunting us. "Do you really think that death can stop me? That you could kill me that easily."

Your emotions tried to get the best of you as you tried not to let frustrated tears fall onto your cheeks.

"How did you do it? What... How did you even do that?"

"You think that can stop me Quackity?" Technoblade asked again.

"Just answer the fucking question!" You yelled before either of them could speak. It was silent for a while before Technoblade slowly spoke up.

"A totem. I used a totem of undying. I always have it on me." He smugly said.

He continued on. "You know what?! You know what? Ive got a lot to say, I was gonna say it at the trial, but we got a little bit interrupted. You know I tried convincing you guys that government was not the answer, the government was actually the cause of all your problems!"

You rolled your eyes as he continued his infamous speech.

"I tried to convince you guys by fighting alongside you as brothers and you cast me aside, you used me. I tried to use force, but you still formed a government! And when I went into hiding, when I retired, when I swore off violence, you hunted me down, you hurt my friends." Technoblade finished.

"Techno you dont understand what we're fighting for!" You started finally finding your voice. "I thought you were for us! You were always against us!"

"I was always for you! I needed you guys to understand!"

"We needed YOU to under-"

Technoblade interrupted you. "You dont understand me! You never did!"

"At least I fucking tried and you gave me so much shit for it! I wanted to be you Technoblade. I wanted to see life through your eyes, I was fascinated by how you walk, fight, your mind."

Your anger began to subside as you continued to speak. "But, you made me lose all my faith and trust in you."

Technoblade laughed again. "Same here! You guys left me! Betrayed me so-"

"So the feeling is mutual." You growled.

It was quite for a minute, but you could feel Quackity's sympathetic stare as you poured your feelings out to a man who dosen't even matter to you.

"They warned me about this." Your arms gestured to the area the three of you were in.

"About what?" Technoblade scoffed.

"About you." You stared at Technoblade. It wasn't a glare, it was more calm.

"Quackity, Tubbo, Fundy...Even Ranboo." You airly chuckled.

You had stopped talking trying to get yourself back together. Quackity caught that you weren't talking anymore so he spoke up.

"What we have up there is a country and what we need here is organization and power. And I dont care how long it fucking takes me or what I have to do to get you Techno. Im going to fucking kill you. Im going to kill you Technoblade." Quackity gripped his axe in his hand.

"I just have one question Quackity." Techno smirked.

"What do you have?" Quackity responded and you took the sword out of the sheath hanging on your hip.

"Do you think you two are enough to kill me? Even unarmed with iron armor?" Technoblade closed the chest that held netherite armor signaling he didn't need that. "Do you think you both could take me?"

"Oh we do." You spoke up. "We need this, Technoblade."

"You know what?" Quackity rose his axe and you followed suit. "Lets find out you son of a bitch!" He charged towards Technoblade and you followed close behind.

Technoblade started running out of the long cave, but you two followed. He threw potions on the ground as he turned around and fought us head on. You were able to get a couple of cuts and hits on him, but he was cutting you more with his pickaxe.

The thing about Quackity was that he thought he was invincible. He kept going full force towards Technoblade, hopefully he would focus on him so you could finally get a critical hit on him. Your heart rate kicked up as your face came too close to his pickaxe. And it kept going, each swing he took towards you became closer and closer until Quackity slashed his arm with his axe.

Technoblade whipped his head his way. "I have a pickaxe and I'll put it right through your teeth!"

Technoblade swung his axe and slashed Quackity's face, including his eye. He then turned his pickaxe to the flat side and swung it, hitting the side of his head. The blow to his head sent him flying against one of the walls of the cave, knocking him out.

He then turned to you and in a flash you could tatse the metal of his pickaxe as it swiped across your face blinding one of your eyes as well as Quackity's. He had hit you on the side of the head like he did with Quackity. Your body was aching as you fell to the ground, your mind slowly shutting down. You were loosing a lot of blood quickly, and so was Quackity. You two knew you were going to find the strength to get out of this cave and follow Technoblade's path out.

You laid on the cave's cold floor realizing that this was a mistake. You were too loyal, easily swayed, you were a follower. You never knew when to stop, from L'Manburg to Pogtopia to The Butcher Gang you seeked things you couldn't have. You couldn't have L'Manburg, neither Pogtopia, you couldn't kill Technoblade and ease your fears snd anxieties. You need to seek that some where else.

Your mind began to slip, and you fell into unconsciousness.

You should've learned. He was right. Revolutions always fall.

The Butcher Gang was a mistake.

Dear Technoblade,

I remembered the day. It still pains me. The day you spawned those wither. I thought you were the traitor, but turns out I was wrong at the time. Im sorry for that.

I also remember when you left me for dead. But I made it out as you see.

But now I am resigning from L'Manburg. Im going my own way, my own path, and I don't want you on my path.

Think of this as closure, something I never got. As I am writing this I dont know why I am giving you closure, lifting a weight off of your shoulders, you dont deserve it.

I know people say that to you alot.

You really made a dent in this damned place.

I hate what you're doing. You get to live in solitude while we get to live in the debris you left here. I wanted to be like you.

I hate to say it, but I learned a lot from you. I hated what I learned, about myself, about you, about the current state of this horrible place.

I wont make the same mistakes again

Are you satisfied now?

- an old friend ♤

#mcyt blurb #mcyt angst #mcyt fluff #mcyt x reader #mcyt headcanons #technowoah!#quackity x reader #techno x y/n #technoblade x reader #techno x reader #techno mcyt #technoblade platonic #mcyt platonic #platonic mcyt x reader #mcyt x platonic reader #technoblade imagine #techno imagine

186 notes · View notes

todoscript · 3 years

Text

lilies & lilacs pt. i

SUMMARY: A dilemma with his grand charity gala brings Todoroki Shouto, CEO of Todoroki Enterprises, at your humble flower shop’s doorstep.

pairing: ceo!todoroki shouto x florist!reader

genre: eventual smut. fluff. slow burn. no quirks au.

word count: 5.6k+

warnings: none in this part, but expect sexual content in the future.

author’s note: this has been rotting in my wips for a couple of months now, but i finally decided to post it with the decision of progressing the story into parts. thank you to the lovely rosie aka @shoutogepi for initially betareading this and keeping the hype up for the fic in our chats together (love you <333)! feedback is welcomed and before you ask, im opening a taglist for the next 2 parts so just ask if you wish to be included

The uneasy padding of her boss’ dress shoes across the floor of his office made the secretary restless. She knew the bad news she delivered would cause some displeasure to stir within him, but never would she expect his tough bearings to falter, his troubles conveyed in hasty steps and frayed skin skewing those handsome features.

During the past two years she’s worked for him, she always thought his expression was nearly unreadable. When it came to his high position, her boss was forward and direct at conducting business—calm, stoic, and a perfect representation of efficiency and strong work ethic in his field. So while she witnessed the man’s uncharacteristic distress before her eyes, she wasn’t sure how this could end well for her.

Sweat began beading her forehead at the tension creeping between each tap of his feet against the hardwood below, coming to an unnerving halt behind his desk. When her eyes found his, all she could gather in those gray and turquoise clouds was annoyance toward their current predicament.

“What do you mean we don’t have a florist booked yet?” he repeated the dilemma she relayed to him merely moments ago. Hearing the agitation in his voice caused a nervous gulp to drop in her throat. She clutched her clipboard firmly in her arms to keep herself anchored in the wake of her boss’ growing frustration. However, she was still unsure how to continue as the words remained sealed in her mouth.

“Well?” Noticing his secretary’s lack of response, he pushed forward, hands leaning against the edge of his mahogany desk. The woman urged herself to endure the obstacles by first breathing through her nose before swallowing the lump in her throat, responding quickly.

“Um, Mr. Todoroki, sir, it seems all the florists on our list have all been booked for other events for the rest of the month,” she said, but mentally scolded herself when she heard herself sputter in such an unprofessional manner. Despite that, she prayed the explanation was enough to sate even a fraction of her boss’ inner turmoil.

Shouto approached her answer with silence before that foreseeable sigh left his lips, spilling with exasperation. He turned, his back facing the secretary, gaze lined to the windows gracing him with sunlight behind his desk. Stuck in contemplation, he pinched the bridge of his nose, mouth pursed in a firm line.

Where am I going to find a florist in time for this damn charity gala? He internally griped, closing his eyes as if that would help him uncover the solution to this untimely mess.

His esteemed company, Todoroki Enterprises, had arranged a plan to hold a widely anticipated charity gala by the end of this month. The event was conducted to raise funds for all manners of different charities that would vary in the level of grandeur on display. And given that the organizing for the event would be under his very name, Shouto had the critical responsibility of ensuring nothing but peak quality to those that would attend.

His staff had long procured the venue and were managing the layout of the gala. They sought out some suitable entertainment, booked catering, and scheduled for the charity auctions and raffles to take place throughout the night. What was still needed were the decorations, and right now that was where they hit their deadend with no florist currently reserved.

And here’s the real kicker: the gala was two weeks away.

Two. Weeks.

How he allowed for such errors to occur was beyond him at this point. All that really mattered was that he found a way to correct those mistakes and fast.

As much as Shouto figured he could skip past the flowers and substitute them with some other kind of flashy decorations, he already had a clear idea of how he wanted the gala to look. The floral arrangements would compliment the theme of the event exceedingly well. Turning back on the plan would be an insult to everyone’s prepared attire for the evening, with the dress code already sent out to all the distinguished guests invited to this grandiose ball. No doubt in his mind, he needed that florist, and needed them stat.

Sure on his resolution, he finally shifted to face his secretary. The anxious expression plastered on her face greeted him, and at that, Shouto bit his lip. His guilt surfaced for allowing his emotions to affect his workspace. He knew better than to take out his frivolous thoughts on his staff, who very well had no control over the situation. So he eased the atmosphere, attempting to lift the tension surrounding his office in the dreary gray of his temper.

“Nishiyama, I’m sorry for my behavior just now,” he apologized. The secretary, in turn, was taken aback, eyes widened. Her anxiety slowly whittled away as she scampered to return his kind gesture.

“Oh no, sir, it’s fine! I’m sure you were just feeling stressed hearing the news. I surely would be if I were in your shoes.”

“No, it’s not. I was acting childish despite how much you and everyone have done so far for the event,” Shouto said, “I should be thankful for your time, considering you also have a family to take care of at home.”

While the woman stared at him, abashed by his sincerity, Shouto swiveled his chair around to take a seat. A much-needed seat to be entirely honest. His secretary was not kidding about how the bad news seemed to harrow some stress in his body. But, being accustomed to having this weight pushed on his shoulders from the very moment he was announced the head of the company many years ago, he more than anticipated the stress to come with the job.

Shouto spared his secretary one last glance before his eyes darted down between the important papers sprawled on his desk. “If that’s all the news we needed to address today then you’re dismissed, Nishiyama. Carry on with the rest of the organizing as planned,” he ordered. Nishiyama lowered her clipboard to her hip.

“R-Right. Thank you, sir.” She parted his presence with a curt bow. Shouto picked up on her heels clicking toward his office door until they suddenly stopped altogether, looking back at the man midway. “What about the florist, sir?” she asked, concerned at the unresolved predicament lingering in the air. Her question wasn’t met with an immediate reply, but Shouto eventually gave her an answer he deemed adequate of a response. His words were coated with as much reassurance as he could muster in this situation.

“Don’t worry, I’ll handle it myself.”

The task was easier said than done.

Usually, when it came to booking a florist for special occasions like this, you’d want to contact them months ahead of the scheduled date to ensure maximum efficiency and work out any problems that should arise. But there were only two weeks left until the awaited charity gala.

Shouto was certainly pushing his luck at this point and to a dangerous degree. If he didn’t find someone to arrange the flowers for the ball soon, the venue might be absent of all life and mood, essentially flopping from missing such a key element. Shouto could not allow for that to happen.

Given his word, he took it in his hands to rectify this mistake. For the entirety of the day, he sifted through the aforementioned list of florists his secretary had provided him—extended thanks to his team’s desperate search for more options.

All he had to do was narrow down the lineup. Unfortunately, those efforts may as well have been all for naught.

“Hello, is this Himawari’s Garden? I’d like to speak with the head florist there about arranging the flowers for a gala my company has been planning—”

“I’m terribly sorry, sir, but we’re currently busy preparing for a big wedding coming up next week. If you’d like, I can try and book our services for you toward the next month or so when we’ll be available?”

Shouto’s brows tightened during the exchange—a gesture he’d been repeating as of late while he dwindled the line of florists. If he kept it up, those wrinkles might be embedded into his skin permanently. He was at least grateful he managed to thwart the heavy breath of air that threatened to leave his lips and reveal his frustration to the woman on the phone.

“No, that’s fine. Thank you for your time.” With that, he hung up.

Shouto leaned back in his seat in exasperation, his weight pressed into the cushions as his eyes situated themselves toward the ceiling. The consistent taps of his fingers on his mahogany desk were all he heard amidst his deep contemplation. His eyes lidded shut in an attempt to seek a moment of refuge from the stress, but his conscience began eating at him.

Of course, what was he thinking? The beginnings of spring to late autumns were the mark of wedding season—the time where florists and other businesses specializing in decorative arrangements thrived and busied themselves with eager clients. Not only that, but it was also the month of June. The sixth month of the year was undoubtedly the most popular month among couples to hold their weddings, and he had witnessed this fact firsthand through his myriad of fruitless phone calls.

Shouto had thoroughly wrung through his rope and teetered on the edge of complete defeat. He sealed down his most recent loss at the hand of another busy floral business by striking a line across Himawari’s Garden on his list. At that, the total tallied to thirty whole flower shops. Thirty unsuccessful attempts.

That sigh he contained during the phone call found its way out of his throat in dramatic waves of displeasure

“You alright, sir?”

His administrative assistant, Midoriya Izuku, heard his huffs when he entered the threshold of Shouto’s office. He noted his boss’ hunched posture and the rare crease crinkled between his nose bridge, pressed against his hands that were clenched together above his desk.

“I’m guessing the new list of florists was also a no-go?”

Shouto didn’t offer any words, instead sliding said list—now fully crossed out—toward his assistant as his reply. Craning his head for a better look, Midoriya feigned a smile, not wanting to let the man’s defeat consume the mood entirely.

“Well... I suppose we shouldn’t be surprised… Wedding season is upon us after all.”

Oh yes, Midoriya. Shouto knew that very well. So much so that he sunk further into his desk at the reminder, head practically drooped with a gloomy rain cloud hovering atop him. The green-haired assistant fervently shook his head back-and-forth upon realizing his remark had thrown salt into his wound. “Oh, I-I mean... Don’t worry, sir! I’m sure we’ll still be able to sort out this problem in time before the gala!” he sputtered to help alleviate the despair that crept in, but it came to no avail according to his boss’ silent sulky demeanor. That was when Midoriya remembered the two cups of hot coffee held in each of his hands.

“Ah, right, I made you some coffee! I figured you could use one considering you’ve been cooped up in your office all day.” Setting one in front of him, Shouto perked up at the nutty aroma that slowly slipped into his senses. He eyed the fresh cup of coffee tentatively, the steam flitting above it in wisps.

Lifting the cup, the rich smell wafted further into his nostrils, imbuing him with that familiar peace he usually reveled in. On any ordinary day, he’d be accompanied by his classic roasted blend perched on his desk, with no problems threatening to disturb his peaceful routine. Not anything like today. Not anything like this dilemma of a desperate time crunch for a florist.

Perhaps that was what he needed. A filter of caffeine to wash away the ordeal like it was a bad morning plaguing him with baggy under-eyes and fatigue from a previous day of hard work. Though he’s sure not even caffeine could erase the headaches he developed throughout his day so far. If anything, indulgence would just make those headaches worse.

Nonetheless, he welcomed the smooth blend of flavors that ebbed down his throat through modest sips, rejuvenation quickly oozing in his veins. Headaches or not, the stimulation from the caffeine was essential if he wanted to combat the rest of the day with some drive.

“Thanks, Midoriya. I needed that,” Shouto acknowledged. He nodded at his assistant, who rubbed the back of his head modestly, saying how it was no problem at all, but the way his boss suddenly got up from his seat interrupted his words.

Shouto already felt the strong coffee going to work as his steps picked up in long strides around his desk that had the assistant’s brows knitting together, confused. “Where are you going, sir?” Midoriya asked, his voice sounding more distant to Shouto, who continued his way past him and toward the door.

“A quick drive,” was the blatant answer he gave. He downed the last of the cup before tossing it in the trash bin near the exit of his office. “Something to clear my head a bit. I’ll be back soon, but until then, keep reaching out to any businesses that could potentially be available to help us.”

“Yes, of course, sir! You can count on me!” Midoriya was prompt in replying. As expected, being Shouto’s right-hand man at the company.

With that, Shouto took to the parking lot below his building, twirling his keys over his index finger before hopping into his Mercedes and driving off.

The withering sunlight cast its glare over his car during his ride through the city. By now, the skies splayed vibrant red as the sun gandered above the horizon. He drove down the narrow and busy streets that kept the place bustling at these hours. It was likely the time when people finished up their workday and were eager to arrive home for much-needed rest.

During a particularly long wait at a red traffic light, he pondered over his predicament again. His thumb rapped against the steering wheel while he bit his bottom lip, that ugly feeling of regret seeping into his thoughts.

Maybe he placed too much faith in these flowers after all. Sure, he mentioned the vital role they played in aligning with the theme and complimenting the guests’ attires. But was it worth all the trouble he put his team through, searching through a throng of businesses already busy with their own events to organize? In a way, this could’ve been sorted out had he recognized the current times and planned accordingly to avoid the mess. But now they were trapped in this bind, crunching for anyone that could help them within only fourteen short days.

Just as he weighed the idea of calling Midoriya over the bluetooth in his car to drop the floral arrangements altogether, something caught his eye at the last second.

Shouto peered through his window, squinting at the corner, where he spotted a cart of flowers in front of a shop of some sort. His grip tightened around the leather of his steering wheel as he leaned in for a better look. Some kind of spark in him roused his anticipation the more he shifted forward in his seat, like the hope that was slowly fading inside was igniting once again.

Another inch further and he attained a better look of the shop. Its sign came into view just below the small boundary of his window—letters brushed in calligraphy on a long board of canvas with lilies painted on the edges that seamed together into a bouquet.

N… Neigh… Neighborhood Lily.

He deciphered the words, but didn’t give them much thought. All that enveloped his mind afterward was the fact the name wasn’t any of the list of thirty shops he phoned today. So the very moment the light overhead flickered to green, Shouto’s hold on the wheel tightened. His foot gradually stepped on the pedal with much more purpose.

He decided to take a brief detour from this casual little drive of his.

It was about six o’clock when you waved off your latest customer, who was leaving the shop with a basket of vibrant tulips swinging on their arm. The smile on their face was an adamant indication they were more than happy with their time here, something you always delighted in, being very passionate about your job as a florist.

“Thank you, and please come again!” The bell overhead gave a gracious chime at the customer’s departure.

With them gone, you drew your attention back to the flowers laid out on the small wooden table in the corner of the shop. Before the customer came in, you were at work arranging and crafting the blossoms you purchased from the flower market that morning into bouquets.

You’d be closing in about an hour and thirty minutes or so, but for now, you basked in the silence and the calming aroma of the flowers that surrounded you while you continued your work. A modest hum naturally sang past your lips and soothed its way into the shop that was devoid of all souls except yourself.

“Hm, you’re a pretty thing, aren’t you?” You made some small talk with the rose in your hand. It was a habit of yours to spill a few words out within your own little world, imagining the flowers were keeping you company whenever you were alone.

“And there, now you all look even prettier.” An adoring smile embellished your lips as you finished off another bouquet by tying it with a silk ribbon. Looking over the bundle one more time, you thoroughly admired the shades of pinks and reds that complimented each other in the ensemble.

Then two more bouquets down, and you already made a good amount of progress. You figured that if you kept up the pace, you’d likely finish the rest of the batch and have them ready for display tomorrow. But just as you clasped three more flowers in your hand, the bell atop the door chimed, alerting you to a new patron.

You nicked off a thorn from one of the stems before turning around and giving your attention to the visitor. When your eyes found their way to the shop’s entrance, you were surprised to meet a man of slicked white and red hair. The few strands that found their way out of the gel must have been tussled from a long day of work considering the fatigue plain on his handsome face.

Despite the few wrinkles here and there, his attire was still surprisingly pristine. He wore a simple yet compelling suit, the fit seeming tailored to the contours of his body that rendered you a tad speechless at how good he looked just standing there. The sight almost made you feel underdressed.

You hadn’t realized you were staring for longer than you deemed appropriate. You couldn’t help it, being that the stranger was a stark contrast to the regular customers you were used to. The fanciest you’ve encountered since you opened your shop were the young boys that rushed in with nicely fitted tops and jeans, frantically inquiring about what kinds of flowers were right to give to a girl for a date they had later that day. Not anything like attractive businessmen in immaculate suits and shining silver wristwatches that surely cost more than all the flowers you tended here.

Noticing you were gawking, you blinked thrice to knock yourself out of your trance and properly greet the man.

“H-Hello, welcome to Neighborhood Lily,” you said, mustering the politest tone you could give to make up for the awkward moment of wordless eye contact. You must have kept your eyes on him for what felt like a good five minutes at least. The man, in turn, acknowledged you with a small grin, much to your relief.

“How may I help you this evening?”

“I’m…” he hesitated, seeming wary of how he wanted to go about his next choice of words, “just looking for now,” he decided.

Not paying much mind to his hesitation, you nodded. “Oh, well, if you have any questions or need any help on anything, please let me know. I’ll just be around the corner!”

Allowing him to go about his business, you returned to your table of flowers and oversaw the blossoms again. However, it was difficult for you to busy yourself with the task at hand. The mere thought of the other presence in the shop was enough to hammer you out of your concentration.

He was already a compelling figure on his own, what with his good-looks accompanied by his classy ensemble that felt more than out of place here. But what you were especially curious about was what business he had at a humble flower shop like yours during this hour.

That curiosity led your eyes straying to the side, where you peeped the man walking through the small aisle of flowers. He examined the bouquets and vases on display, even showing interest in the more decorative pieces hung in pots from the ceiling.

You tried to determine what his motives were. He was showing some considerable intrigue at your arrangements, though perhaps it was pure admiration for your work, and you were letting your self-consciousness get to you.

Well, spying would just get you nowhere, you thought. One way or another, he’d answer your curiosity by either coming to you directly or leave the shop altogether. You had to admit you hoped more for the former.

Until then, you tore your gaze away and resumed gathering flowers in your hands. You assessed their compatibility with one another while you fiddled around with their placement in the bouquet. The white lilies and the blue lilacs went very well, along with another set of light violet lilacs you couldn’t help but string into the bundle. As a result, the beautiful balance of cool tones made for an exceptional well-made bouquet. You finished the piece with a matching white satin ribbon and then let the arranged flowers thrive inside a glass vase.

“Those are very pretty.”

Startled at the voice, you whipped your head around, hands braced behind you against the edge of the wooden table. Your untimely lack of words were a result from realizing the owner of the voice was closer than you anticipated.

The businessman went from lingering around the aisle of flowers in the middle of the shop, to appearing in your proximity.

“E-Excuse me?” you asked, wondering if you heard correctly to which he pointed at the bouquets laid finished on the table. “In fact, all the flowers here are exceptionally beautiful.” He gestured to the entirety of the shop. His eyes quickly roamed across all the decorative flourishes before they came back to you.

“You do excellent work here in your shop.”

Words coming from a man like him made you bashful. You subconsciously played with the hem of your apron, eyes drifting to anywhere but his face at the compliment. However, the sliver of heat fluttering to your cheeks didn’t go unnoticed by him.

“Oh, um, thank you. It’s nothing really, I’ve been arranging flowers for quite some time while at the last floristry I worked for so I have a fair amount of experience.”

After another second of fiddling with the fabric, your hands ended up falling to your sides. You sauntered toward one of the flower vases that were already set on display, dawdling around the conversation. His eyes followed you, watching you nurture the blossoms. “I opened this flower shop of mine just recently actually. Been getting a decent amount of business here and there, but I’m just glad that the people who’ve visited so far like my work,” you told him, twirling a strand of your hair. The pads of your other hand brushed against the soft, abundant petals of a yellow chrysanthemum.

The man observed your actions, analyzing your face. He distinguished the devotion hidden in your eyes as you looked upon the flower with a luster. Despite your humble character, it was more than clear to him you were very passionate about what you did, relishing in the ambiance and admiring the modest appearance of this little shop of yours, covered in the wonderful aroma of flowers.

You didn’t detect that deep breath of air he earnestly drew in as he stepped closer. So close that his proximity broke your stupor to meet his rigid expression.

“How would you feel about an… opportunity to let more of your work be known?”

“An opportunity?” you echoed. “Wait… do you maybe have a wed—”

“No,” he interjected, so abruptly that you couldn’t help but quirk a brow. Catching himself, he took a moment to clear his throat, mindful of his behavior. “I mean, it’s not a wedding. Rather, a charity gala that my company has been planning for some time.”

“A gala?” Your mouth worked faster than your mind, accidentally blurting out your thoughts. The astonishment was evident in your tone; it made the man question your reaction by leaning in.

“Yes, a gala,” he said again like you didn’t just hear his words from a foot away, without even realizing the lengths behind his baffling offer. “Is there something wrong about that?”

“N-No. It just wasn’t the kind of opportunity I expected it to be is all… A gala…” Your voice hushed around the utter of “gala”.

What the man presented so blatantly was unexpected to your ears. Galas meant a pompous party full of people decked in lavish attires, drinking quality champagne from tulip glasses. Sizing up the man again, you could only imagine this gala would only include the most important and wealthiest people in attendance.

You had to ask something, “Um, about this gala... How many people will be there?”

“Maybe about... five hundred or so? I’ll have to check in with my assistant to confirm the full count again.” He shrugged nonchalantly and yet on your end, hearing the number almost reduced your head to a dizzy mess.

Five hundred guests? It was a number you couldn’t fathom. You hadn’t even been booked for an occasion as ordinary as a baby shower, but this man wanted you to arrange flowers for his big charity gala?

As oddly enticing of a job it was to you, there had to be anyone else more experienced and capable for this.

“Sir, I’m not su—”

“The pay, of course, will be more than generous, and I’ll even provide you funding for any necessary materials for this project,” he chimed in before you could voice your protest. It was then that you began to distinguish something laced in his voice and exhibited on his face.

Desperation.

This man seemed desperate for some reason.

“May I ask when the event will take place?” Your arms crossed against your chest. A gulp formed in his throat at the question, unsure if he wanted to unveil the news or risk scaring you off. Either way, if you were working for him, you’d learn eventually. A sigh came out.

“Two weeks,” he answered.

Oh yeah, that explained it. It also answered any questions you had over the tension rigid in his shoulders. At this point, you were bound to join him in his stress because, goddamn, organizing a whole assembly of flowers for a grand ball within fourteen days? The idea was beyond daunting.

While you reflected on the intimidating pieces of information, he was gauging your reaction. Would you say yes? No? Laugh at the idea that he thought he could find a florist to work for him at such late notice? There were a slew of uncertainties twisting in his head—an act unbecoming of him, but you were his last hope. Whatever you responded with next would either be the nail in his coffin or the wings that made him soar.

You would be treading on uncharted waters at a chance like this, having never sailed anywhere beyond your little island of floristry where people came and went with your humble little arrangements. But you also thought of this as a daring opportunity to find new land. See what the world had in store for you outside of selling the general bouquets and vases you had on display. Plus, when would a chance like this ever come up again?

Though it meant encountering difficulties along the way, taking on such a big challenge right off the bat, you figured you’d be able to keep your boat afloat. You were also sure the journey toward bigger regions would be worth the struggle in the end.

“So do you have your answer?” he pressed forward when your silence became unbearable to his nerves. He thanked the fact that his voice managed to sound steady enough not to give himself away. Your arms remained crossed in front of you, your hand coming beneath your chin the only sign that you were taking his offer to heart. It kept the flickering flames of hope blazing inside him.

“I just want to ask you something,” you replied. He nodded, allowing you to continue.

“I know you’re under pressure with this gala coming up in only two weeks,” you began. Your arms unraveled, and your fingers ran to your apron again. You formed the next bit of words with uncertainty, “but are you sure I’m the right person for this job? I mean, I don’t have much to offer you in terms of skill other than what I have here.” You nudged at the range of your shop, plain as can be though with a generous amount of flourishes on display. Yet nothing you thought special enough to be graced by him and his grand proposal that evening.

“I just don’t want you to regret your decision.”

There was a pause of silence after that. The man seemed to give your words some thought—a quick reflection on the situation. You couldn’t decipher much in his face, but you happened to take some time to admire how pretty his eyes were. The individual blue and gray shades were mesmerizing to you, resembling glaciers glittering beneath the moon high in the north. Another detail you jotted in his long list of attractive features. Before you could marvel at them any further, he whisked your thoughts back to earth with his response.

“It’s true that I’m coming to you because I’m in need,” he admitted, hands slowly closing into fists like he was reluctant to confess this, “but from what I can see, I genuinely think you’re more than capable for this job. So yes, I’m very sure I won’t regret this decision.”

It was clear to you that he was sure on his stance. But to reinforce his statement, he bent his head low into a bow, weight added to his next words.

“Please be the florist for our gala.”

The gesture briefly overwhelmed you, not something you were expecting, but you managed to acknowledge it by returning the bow.

“I’ll be in your care then.”

With all things said, you were soon tidying up the exchange and trading business cards. Yours was a standard card with your number, name, and business attached with a picture of a lily printed across the paper. His, a premium slip of stainless steel engraved with his information and then some, the fancy card reflecting off the lights hanging from the ceiling. You read the name etched in ebony black over the gray material.

Todoroki Shouto — CEO

“You’ll likely receive a call from either one of my assistants or me within the next day or so about when to meet up to plan for the arrangements.” Shouto’s voice brought your head up from the card, where you watched him glide toward the door.

“R-Right, I’ll leave my cell on,” you stuttered. The fact that this whole exchange had just transpired was still kicking in for you.

Shouto nodded, extending a wave out that you mirrored while he opened the door to the shop, the bell chiming above him.

“I’ll see you then.”

After that, the resonating tinkles of the bell were the last you heard.

You stared at the entrance aimlessly, mouth gradually gaping open at the mere prospect that you were really about to arrange your flowers for a grand charity gala in two weeks!

A mixture of elation and jitters erupted in your body all at once, uncontained as you whipped your head around and strode across your shop in giddy steps. Your eyes lit up at the steel card gripped between your fingers, clenched so tightly like you were worried the card would turn to dust when you woke up from this dream. But at the wide smile that bloomed on your lips, you knew that this was reality. This man, Todoroki Shouto, was giving you the opportunity to have your true potential shown at this big gala.

Meanwhile, on his way back to his Mercedes, Shouto was clicking open his phone. The screen beamed at him in the low light of the evening turning to night while he punched a number from his contacts list. It took only the cusp of the second ring for the person on the other line to pick up his call.

“Midoriya, call off the search,” Shouto commanded into his phone. He rested his back on the door of his car, leaning against it with his phone still attached to his ear. His gaze found its way back to the flower shop he had just departed, eyeing the light emitting from the windows to the sign hanging above them. Grinning, he took in the sight of the flowers dancing in the wind around the shop’s vicinity before finding your silhouette standing in the benevolent light inside.

“We have our florist.”

#bnha x reader #todoroki x reader #bnha imagine #todoroki shouto x reader #mha x reader #bnha fic #todoroki fic #todoroki imagine

615 notes · View notes

fairycosmos · 3 years

Note

lmao im actually so desperate to die im considering swallowing two peach pits just to see if i will choke to death because nothing else ive tried has worked so far . you know what my life doesnt fucking matter ill do it. with my luck it wont work i feel im being punished and thats why i cant die. ill do it. if i dont get back to you something happened but i doubt it. im tired like you said i deserve peace. we do. bye maybe i hope this works this is pathetic but im desperate to die

hey, i'm really sorry to hear you're feeling this way. it seems like you're totally overwhelmed right now and i completely understand how debilitating that can be. i know there's nothing i can do or say that will really change how awful it feels, and you're probably not in the headspace to read all this. but if you ever want to come back to it, it'll be here. maybe you could try some of these grounding exercises, here / here and here beforehand to get you in a place where you can focus a little. it's alright, there's no rush or pressure. i just wanted to say first of all that this is not pathetic in the slightest. sometimes the world gets on top of you and you go througn so much trauma and hurt that it really does feel like giving up is the only option. people can only take so much, and i get it. that's the trick of the suicidal brain though, i think. it uses life's suffering and your own past experiences to convince you that it is always going to be this way. to romanticize death and make it into something it isn't in your head. it is actually very hard to die, as i'm sure you know. and it's not the peaceful option or escape you're looking for, either. and the most paramount thing i want to say is that your life 100% does matter. this was never up for debate. you were born with an inherent worth and it hasn't went away just because you can no longer see it. you honestly can't fathom how you've impacted peoples lives, directly and indirectly, and even just the world itself. you don't have to be anybody but who you are, i promise, the whole point is just having the human experience you're having. you're fulfilling your purpose by existing, no matter how hard it is at times. i think it's a good sign that you reached out to me, i honestly think it shows that you have a lot of self awareness regarding what's going on and that you're truly capable of asking for the help that you need. you're not in a place right now where you can trust your thoughts and feelings, so it's good to seek an objective perspective from somebody else. this state of mind is so transient, it's so intense that it's not built to last. i'm not trying to downplay how unbelievably hard to live with, of course, but it can be freeing to acknowledge that this is not all there is, no matter how difficult it is to endure currently. you deserve to be here and to exist in a way that heals you, no matter what your mind is telling you. there can be a variety of underlying causes for suicidal feelings, and obviously they're very serious issues that need real medical attention in order to begin to overcome. but with that and with time, it is totally possible to learn to live a full live along side all you've been through. even though right now i'm sure that's the lastthhing on earth you want to do.

are you currently working with a mental health professional of any sort? your doctor, a therapist, a support group, even a hotline? if not, i would really urge you to get in touch with them as soon as possible. and if you already are, let them know where your thoughts are at lately so they can focus on upping your level of care. if you're worried about money, there are cost-effective choics available, like finding a therapist who offers a sliding scale price, or looking into mental health resources within your community. i know your brain is probably screaming at you to do the opposite, but i promise any baby step in the right direction is going to pay off. the prospect of reaching out and being honest is a daunting one, and i'm only bringing it up as something to consider at the moment (or when you feel able to) so please don't write it off all together. you don't have to do anything right now, just know you have options. you honestly do. and talking to someone really is not as bad as your brain is probably building it up to be. just like with physical illness, mental illness can be confronted and treated. it's all about learning how to manage your unique mind, and even if it takes a lifetime, it is so possible to lessen the frequency of episodes like this. or to become more prepared for them so they feel less erratic when they do occur. discussing about what you've been through, pinpointing root causes of your suicidal thoughts, learnng how to implement healthy coping mechanisms into your daily routine, building a support system, finding the medication for you if needed - all of this is going to make a tangible difference. it is not going to fix everything, obviously, but it is going to lighten the weight and broaden your perspective on yourself and on living. you deserve to be supported without judgement and with genuine care, you deserve to be listened to. there are a lot of people, professionals or otherwise, even just strangers like me, who are willing to filling that role for you.

idk how it is for you and i won't pretend to, but sometimes suicidal people don't want to lose their lives, they just want to stop living the way they are. with so much chaos and unresolved pain and exhaustion. you don't have to hurt yourself in order to get there. i know when you're in this mindset, any even slightly positive piece of advice just feels impossible to believe. but even if you can't seriously take it on board at the moment, i hope when you're in a more grounded place, you can at least consider as an alternative to absolute hopelessness. you may as well, because you are alive and that is not always going to feel like a curse. it is so hard to believe it, i get that, but it is a fundamental truth. you are in an extremely difficult moment but that is not your whole existence. the future is ever changing, and you've already made it through the past, so the only thing that really matters is this moment. focus on what you need, not what you want, but what you need to do right now to truly self - prioritize. even if that feels like the last thing on earth you want do. if self destruction and self harm was gonna make you feel better, it would've by now. welcome the idea of trying something new, maybe just the notion of attempting to guide yourself through this with a bit of self-compassion. please, if you feel like you are an immediate danger to yourself, please exercise any sense of self preservation/ survival instinct and call the authorities, a hotline or a friend/family member right away. no matter what bullshit your brain is telling you, no matter how heavy your heart is right now . everything is always always always changing and things are going to change beyond recognition, it's the one thing you can count on. you deserve to stick around to see it all, and once you've made the decision to do so, you won't feel so stuck and conflicted anymore. i'm going to leave some links that i think might help a little in this moment, but like i said, please call someone if you feel you can't be alone right now. i'm rooting for u a lot and i really hope you are able do the right thing for yourself. if it's all too hard, focus on getting through the next hour. if that's too much, the next minute. and if that's too much, the next second. break it down into what you can handle and let yourself live. and then just go from there. sending you all my love.

list of hotlines

coping with depression

coping with suicidal thoughts

so you feel like shit?

template for creating a safety plan

#anon #tw suicide #talking #tw self harm

28 notes · View notes

pinkykitten · 3 years

Text

everything stays

chapter 1 - blood on her hands :: gisela klein [ an aot oc story ]

note: hey guys i know its been a rlly long time since ive posted anything and u may be rlly let down and underwhelmed that ive chosen to write a aot oc instead of fanfic but its what i want to write and i rlly love my oc and wanna give her some love and some praise and let u a little in how i see her. im sorry i havent posted a lot im going to try to write more and who knows i may or may not finish this but its ok imma try lol but life sometimes is a butthole. i hope you love her as much as i do an tysm for taking time out of ur day to read this story. enjoy!

Even though she knew that this day would have to come and that it was near, it still was a surprise for her. She was taken aback. It didn’t make sense and add up to her; she was trained for this since she was little; preparing mentally and physically for phase one of the plan; and the day appeared through the trees; past the wall; the opportunity was present; the fate of the people were waiting in their hands; and yet she felt a sense of evilness within her heart. Was this right? But there was no time.

The day was written down in history. The stories were spread around like a disease. Heights, jaws, teeth, feet, stench, the screams. If they survived that nightmare they were seen as a tough soldier; as someone that was applauded because they probably had PTSD and had to see everyday as a reason within themselves or God that they were alive. That maybe just maybe they were saved for a reason; for a purpose. That is what Gisela Klein thought. Maybe there was something greater out there for her to do, to accomplish and that was why she saw another day; breathed another breath.

But one thing was for sure. Forgiveness would never come her way; she would never expect it. To be a warrior she had to endure the horror; the pain; feelings of worthlessness; and friendships lost.

This is the story of the 10th finding titan; the Slash Titan.

The pounding of her heart rang through her ears. It had taken everything for her to keep going on this journey; to continue on the path to and through Hell. She felt a loss within her and the light in her eyes died out. The loss of her friend made it hard for her to function. To keep her head in the game and in the plan.

She sighed as she stared at her hands. Broken and bruised like her heart; scars and scratches scattered on her skin. Her bite mark deeply engraved into her flesh. She heaved a huge sigh. Ready to give death a handshake and make a deal with the devil. Panic was rising in her chest from her stomach, almost ready to throw up.

As she thought about her family back home she realized there was no other way; she had to do this. In order to be with her family, to save them she had to do the one thing she was trained to do.

Kill.

A lightning strike shot over the wall. The wall that kept the monsters away and at bay. Something was wrong; the air seemed to change. The lightning strike caused a boom, clap and the ground started to shake.

Bertholdt drew his leg back and with full force swung his leg forward, knocking a hole into the wall that was impenetrable. Many people flew back from the wind of the blow and some were crushed by the debris of the wall.

Many were going to die; but it’s what needed to be done.

The titans were called.

Finally the titans entered the devils homes and started to rip up their lives. “This is right, this is right.” Gisela had to keep reminding herself. “For my family.” And something snapped within her. The image of her mother, tortured, flashed in her mind. And suddenly everything was worth it. “No regrets.”

Gisela eyed Reiner, an agreement, a sign. She exhaled and in a quick motion placed her hand to her mouth and bit into it. In a spark she transformed into her titan form. Her eyes were much like a cats, sharp. She was made into the slash titan, she was chosen for this program. Her titans fingers were like sharp knives, able to cut any object or person. They hung a little past her knees.

Reiner then transformed and both stomped past the hole. Many citizens glanced up, horrified. Gisela and Reiner were titans never seen before.

She nodded to Reiner, bent down and started to pick up debris and pieces of houses to throw over the bigger wall. The chunks started to smash against people. Blood splattering everywhere. Gisela almost wanted to close her eyes from the immense amount of dead bodies piled on top of others, graves upon graves.

She was hauling boulders as high and fast as she could. Her titan held a high amount of power and strength. Being slim, muscular and as tall as the armored titan and female titan. Reiner took a step back and gained his speed to go onward to destroy the bigger wall.

“Fire!” Their soldiers cried out. Fear evident on their face. They shot their cannons, not even slowing down Reiner. Gisela continued flinging, wanting to create a path for Reiner. She was faster than before and many of her hits flattened the men in the front lines. Their screams and cries loud.

“Close the gate!” They tried, it was their last hope to save humanity. But it was not enough. Reiner broke the wall and killed those running and they went flying. They reached even higher than Gisela. It astounded her almost, they seemed like helpless birds flying high in the sky; but that thought was quickly wiped clean because the second they flew up in the air they came straight down with much force that many parts of their bodies broke.

Reiner did what he needed to do, he opened up a way for the titans to get in and they were swarming by the bunches.

In the distance, the survivors fled in boats across the river to get into the other walls. Gisela put herself in their shoes for a second. They had reason to be scared. Everything they have ever known was gone; their houses, loved ones, food, a place to feel the most comfortable you can feel despite situations; it was all gone. Gisela shook the thought out, not caring about these cruel humans feelings. They had none. No emotions. Gisela had to believe that thought; what she was told, she had to believe it with all her heart, or else what was real?

They waited till they were able to not be seen and Gisela turned human first and then so did Reiner. The four of them hopped on the boat. Talking amongst themselves. The wind howled through the vacant homes. Destruction everywhere. Gisela looked around her setting and saw a little girl had been crushed because a tree fell on her, her doll mere inches away from her grasp. She died with her eyes open; almost looking into Gisela’s soul through the eyes. Gisela’s body trembled and she threw up.

“Don’t.”

Gisela looked up to see Reiner wiping blood and debris off his clothes. He picked his sleeve and turned Gisela’s head to look away, he wiped her chin and mouth off the puke. He saw the trauma in her eyes and felt guilty. But it’s what needed to be done. He kept telling himself that the more he did this the more he would understand and get used to it. It was still all new to her and he had to be strong for her. He knelt in front of her small frame. “It’s not your fault. They needed to die. We are in this together. You don’t need them. Look at me.”

Gisela looked into his eyes, away from the sadness. His eyes carried the feeling of wanting to be wanted. That was always what Reiner wanted. But they also had fear in his eyes.

“Stop acting like you’re in control when I know how sick you feel. I know how afraid you are Reiner.”

He paused and took a look at his hands and others surrounding him. “You’re right. But I made a promise to Marcel.”

They joined the other citizens arriving at the food reserves. The master of disguise was needed in this mission. People needed to see four hungry, depressed children that survived the fall of their homes, not mass murderers.

Annie was only able to fetch two loaves. “Alright, who's the most hungry?”

“You girls should eat, you’re more feeble.” Bertholdt sat on a crate, pointing to Gisela and Annie.

Annie tsked, moving a bang from her eyes, “who says girls are more feeble? I recall kicking your ass all those times in training.”

“You guys can eat it, I’m not hungry.” Gisela sat on the other crate and saw the chaos of the crowds. A boy caught her interest. He had dark brown hair, tan skin, and light blue green eyes. He was having bread shoved in his mouth and he seemed to have such a strong personality to him. If only Gisela felt so strongly about her motive and her placement in this life.

“You really should eat, you need your energy after all you did.” Annie broke all the loaves in half and shared it amongst the four of you. “It’s not much but at least it's something.”

Gisela sighed, “you’re right. Thanks.”

After that day there was land given to only a few refugees but there were too many of them. Luckily the four of them had a piece of land that was enough until further inching themselves within society. Through that whole span each day was getting easier and easier living with the lies and day by day Gisela felt more at sure with herself and knowing that she could fulfill this mission. Pills and alcohol helped the pain and ease the thoughts. She taught herself to put a gap between what she came here to do and feelings. She told herself every day that nobody else mattered except her family and Reiner. She trained her brain to not care, to not have strings attached or any love for anything. It was all a play, all a rehearsal for when the curtain would fall. She was readying herself for that fall. Everyday she educated herself more on these scums. What they liked, wanted, needed, craved for, and what they craved more than ever in their life was freedom.

She trained her body as if it were her last day, barely getting sleep. The face of her mother haunting her every night making her get up at three in the morning to do pushups or sit ups. Not only was her mind getting stronger but also her body. Even Reiner would make jokes noticing the muscles that would appear. The six pack that formed on her stomach. Her thighs growing tight and firm, her arms growing stronger. The sweat growing on her forehead longer.

With her body growing her relationship with Reiner also changed. They no longer were the tiny children that didn’t understand anatomy or the air between two people. Reiner and Gisela’s relationship was of being flirty, sharing a few kisses here and there, trying to be a couple but then yelling at each other and breaking it up and realizing maybe this isn’t right a million times. Even Bertholdt and Annie were getting tired of their outbursts. But each time they made up to be friends only and then the cycle started where the feelings came in the way and they wanted to be more. They would tease each other, especially Reiner. They were each other's best friends. Gisela was like one of the boys, loud, obnoxious, burping all the time, Reiner would get a look at her and smirk thinking he taught her well. When Reiner looked at her he felt at home and that everything was going to be okay. Her nightmares continued and each time Reiner would come to her room and hold her, let her cry into his arms. She felt he was the only person that knew her pain.

Gisela understood many things in life and for once she understood her life here, she understood why she was born and chosen.

It was the following year and in order to get closer to finding the founding titan the four became part of the 104th cadet corps.

“Are you ready to train more?” Gisela nudged Reiner, eyebrow raised.

“What do you mean train more? This is going to be a new but scary experience honestly.” Reiner spoke as if he was a different person. As if he didn’t have a life outside of the walls.

“Reiner?” Gisela placed her hand on his shoulder, steadying him. He looked fine on the outside but Gisela knew the issues were inside, his mind. She knew this was becoming disastrous to him, he was starting to have almost two personalities, two lives, two worlds, two people. Gisela tried to tell Annie or Bertholdt, they saw it too but there was nothing they could do.

All that Gisela could do was smile as they made their way to the first day of training.

note: again ty y’all sm!!!! If u liked it lmk and this is kinda new for me cuz I usually don’t post my ocs stories here or much at all but I’m rlly excited for y’all to see her and for y’all to know this oc of mine and hopefully accept her ❤️

Taglist: @witchofinterest @chlobenet @eddysocs @fpxloomis @whctsherncme-archive @ocfairygodmother @fandomchick80 @ocappreciationtag

27 notes · View notes

071793-imjunhyeok · 4 years

Link

[X’s interview②] Im Junhyeok “Even after leaving, he still pleasantly listens to Day6′s music ...(and said that) he’s cheering for them”

[ X Sports News Reporter Kim Mi-ji ] ( Following interview①) After finishing ‘The Unit’ Im Junhyeok is starting to get involved again with producing music. His new album that he produced in between his spare time at ‘The Unit’, will be coming out soon.

"I think I’ll have about two songs in my new album.The songs have a style that is a little different than previous songs and it’ll come out after I arrange them into something that fits spring. The music video was filmed too. Although it’s the final step, the date hasn’t been confirmed. However, I’m thinking of releasing it before spring comes at the most. If all goes well, I think it’ll be able to come out within the month. Since there are those who have been waiting for a long time, I’m working hard to make it. It’s a relief that I like work more better than resting."

There must be a big difference between being in affiliated in an agency and making an album alone. Im Junhyeok confessed that he has been working harder than ever. "In the past, I used to blame it a little on the company if the results weren’t good for my young mind on the inside, but now if it doesn’t work out it’s entirely my fault. I think it’s a good thing since it doesn’t make excuses. I am working hard than ever." Im Junhyeok who had to do activities on his own after leaving the affiliated band, Day6, had also confessed that it was very difficult for him mentally during the withdrawal process. "Like I mentioned on the show, there were parts that weren’t true. I didn’t have enough mental strength to endure such things. The company was very considerate and attentive to me. Because it was very difficult for me, I left the team because the company was very considerate. The most difficult part was during that time, it was the team’s comeback. Rather than it being difficult for me for being cursed at about something that wasn’t true, bringing damage to the other members because of me was very difficult. I thought that me leaving was going to help the team, yet we were already prepared for the comeback and I feel like I didn’t think about it being hard on the members for trying to fill in my gap. At that time, it was much harder for me then. I felt so sorry. I’m relieved that the band is doing very well now, that’s good. When a new song comes out, I’m listening to them all. Because they’re members who are very high in capabilities I feel like they’ll do nothing but good. I’m still cheering for them."

After leaving the band with his long-time agency, what kind of daily life did Im Junhyeok live? "I was thinking of quitting music altogether. Rather than doing something that has to do with music and in front of the public eye, I thought I ought to find something else. Originally, my dream was not to be a singer but a vocal trainer. So, I did end-up working at places like vocal academies. While I was resting, because my songs came to be sold overseas, rather than being a player who directly sings songs, I thought I should do music as the role of being that of an assistant behind-the-scenes." It was an unexpected event organized by the fans that made Im Junhyeok change his mind. Fans from Japan and Thailand invited Im Junhyeok to hold a fanmeeting. Many foreign fans who like Im Junhyeok’s vocals gathered together their support to create a special event. "It was something that I was very thankful for. I think it was possible because of the company and team I had before. In the past I was a person who just sung on stage, though since I had to think about the concert set-list, what stage equipment was needed, the ment, the event, etc. then, I felt like it was a little more special. I began to gain a lot of producing skills as well as finding out what kind of music the fans liked. It was a really good experience for me." What he felt while going through the fanmeeting experience was that what the fans liked more than anything else was his vocals. It was none other than a big event that would provide a foundation to Im Junhyeok’s growth. "They seemed to like me singing better than talking. Before, when we did performances there was a lot of talking within five songs, though this time at the overseas performances I sang 13 songs, 15 songs. They seemed to like it a lot when I did just singing. The fascinating thing I found was that they really liked it when I sang songs in Korean. I practiced a lot of Japanese songs however, when I sang Korean songs, there were a lot of people who weeped." Lastly, I asked Im Junhyeok who said he’d sing for the people who have waited for him, what his future goals and direction was. "My goal this year is to meet people through a lot of music at the most. Regardless of the outcomes, I would like to sing in front of many fans. And as a singer-songwriter, it is not just about writing songs only for me, hence I would like to give songs to many people as well. Now that those results only work for me, if by chance the results turn out bad, I feel like it’d be good to go through the process of finding what the problem is. I want to be an artist who knows what’s lacking and fills in the good points." Im Junhyeok who is preparing a new album and concert for the fans who have been waiting for a long time, expressed his vague but also shy ambition for his fresh start with music. I hope that Im Junhyeok who came to walk the new path after many twists and turns, will produce good results with the special music that he displays.

Translation by @071793-imjunhyeok

#2018 #180212 #im junhyeok #xsportsnews #interview #article #junhyeok #translation #please do not steal #please give credit #better late than never #I FINALLY FINISHED IT OVER THE WEEKEND HALLEJUAH #day6

41 notes · View notes

chocojjk · 5 years

Text

Home

summary: idol! boyfriend minho forgets about you? idk i suck at summaries,, just read it,, please ùwú

warnings: nothing really just a bottle of wine and a whole lot of angst because there’s not enough minho angst on here

words: 1.7k ,, I think

also,, not edited but

anyways, letsgetit

having an idol boyfriend was not easy

especially when his life moved way faster than yours did and you’re just stuck there waiting for him to have time for you

everything was great before, your relationship with minho was one that everyone was envious of

you guys were the “it” couple, the one where everyone looked at and wished that they had their person

because that was what you and minho are

you are his person and he is yours

and you thought that it was going to stay like that forever

but of course happiness is a temporary state and nothing lasts forever

you see, there’s always a balance, a person can’t stay happy for too long, the day will come where that scale will fluctuate

and that’s exactly what started happening

things started changing

minhos career has rocketed and you being the supportive partner that you are, cheered him on through it all

eventually minho had to move out of your guys’ shared apartment and in the dorms with the rest of the boys

which was completely okay with you, because he still came home to you when his career wasn’t calling him

the first few months of change was fine, you guys were killing it, people were still envious

but life continues to move

minho became busier

the fun filled texts that were usually packed with memes and countless of i love you’s were replaced by “I won’t be home tonight”

the daily FaceTime calls turned into weeks then months and eventually just whenever he had the time

you were okay with it, you understood that his schedule was busy especially with the tour going on and the new comeback that his group was preparing

you loved him and didn’t want to ever hold him back from reaching his dreams

but god, it was tiring to always be last on his list when he was always first on yours

maybe it was your fault, maybe you had to learn to be like him and start prioritizing new things...new people

maybe it was time to move on

but every time you look back to the times that you had with minho, the more you couldn’t bring yourself to say goodbye

so you endure the pain

you made up excuses for him

it wasn’t until he forgot your 3rd year anniversary and you’re sitting there in the apartment that you guys shared, waiting for the boy that you loved for the umpteenth time that you finally notice the emptiness that surrounds you

the apartment that used to be filled with the sound of his laughter mixing into yours as you guys danced to whatever was playing on the tv was no longer there

you checked your phone for anything, even a small “happy anniversary babe” would suffice

but you were left looking at your lock screen that contained no new messages

instead you were faced with a picture of the two of you looking into each other, eyes full of love

it felt so long ago but you remembered every detail of that day

it was the first time you guys moved in the apartment, you guys have just finished placing the little to no things you have around the space that you guys would call your home

really all that was there was a mattress, a microwave, and a couple of framed pictures but you both were content

the thrill of what’s to come next excited the two of you

you can already imagine the space being filled around you

“one day we’ll have enough money to make this place beautiful and really call it our home”

“dummy it’s not about the place,” minho retorted

“what do you mean?”

“i mean we could be living in a 5 story mansion or we could be living in a box and it’ll still be home as long as im with you”

you guys have been together for two years during this time yet he still found a way to make your heart flutter more and more

“god, you’re so cheesy”

“you love me”

“i do”

“now lets take pictures”

a hundred selfies later, as you guys lay down on the mattress, your head in his chest, his arms loosely hung around yours you realize that he was right

it doesn’t matter where you were as long as you had him

“i hope we don’t end up living in a box”

as you smile back to that memory, the sound of the clock ticking brought you back to reality

every single tick felt like a gunshot to your heart

when it finally reached 11pm, you accepted defeat

the boy will not be showing up

again

and so you grabbed the wine that you bought to be enjoyed for two and sat yourself in front of the tv

the dinner on the table was abandoned as you put on a romantic movie

classic right? god, you just loved to torture yourself

not even bothering to grab a glass, you take a swig right out of the fresh new bottle

“happy fucking anniversary,” you sighed as the tears finally made its way down your face and the liquid burned your throat

eventually you fell into a deep slumber that caused you to not notice the creaking of the door opening

at exactly 2pm minho steps into the room, his eyes first landing on the table filled with his favorite foods, clearly untouched

as his eyes continued to wander he finally spots you on the couch, the bottle of wine empty and hugged to your chest

the smudged lipstick and remnants of your mascara were enough to prove that you were crying

and damn, he felt so guilty

it’s not that he forgot it was your anniversary, he’s just been so busy that he lost track of the days

but even that wasn’t a good enough excuse, as busy as he is, he has never missed an important day before so why now

scolding himself in his head, he makes a mental note to make it up to you the next day

grabbing the empty bottle of wine and placing it on the coffee table, he picks you up and heads towards your shared bedroom

“aish, why did you get so drunk” he quietly asks even though he already knew the answer

it wasn’t until you were in his arms that he realized how much he truly missed you

he gently places you on the bed, making sure you were in a comfortable position before he headed to the bathroom to grab your makeup wipes

by the time he was wiping your lipstick off, you finally awoken

“minho?”

“hi princess” he replied as he shot you one of his signature smiles

you were about to return the expression until you realized why he was taking your makeup off in the first place and now you were just filled with rage

“you forgot. ”

knowing exactly what you were talking about he quickly shot back an “im sorry I just lost track of the day i promise it won’t happen again”

“that’s the thing minho”

at this point you were sitting upright, looking straight at him

“you keep on promising that it won’t happen again but it happens again. every. time. ”

“i-“

“no, okay. it’s my turn to talk. minho, i love you and you know that i would drop anything if it means that it would make you happy. but shit minho, i didn’t expect that i would have to be giving up respecting myself in order to love you,,, look at me, i’m a fucking mess”

“im sorry”

“and you, you just live your life traveling with your best buds, with absolutely no care in the world -“

“don’t say that”

“you don’t care minho! you don’t care that someone is waiting at home for you!”

“y/n I said I was busy!, why can’t you just understand that!”

he didn’t mean to raise his voice but he was just so frustrated

yes, he did miss your anniversary but he didn’t forget

and he came home to you as soon as he figured out his mistake

and maybe you are right, he doesn’t care

he didn’t care about the trouble he was about to be in for sneaking out of the dorms, he didn’t care that he left 8 of his brothers with no explanation just so he could make his way home to you

he didn’t care, because at that time all he cared about was you

but you didn’t know that

and you didn’t give him any chance to explain his self

but why should you? when you’ve already heard everything before

“i think we should stop”

“what?”

“lets end this”

at this point you were crying

and so was he

“y/n please, you’re drunk, you don’t know what you’re saying, let’s talk about this tomorrow”

“it’s been almost four hours and i only drank wine, i know what I’m saying”

“y/n-“

he reaches out for your hands but you pulled them back quickly, knowing that one little thing from him will cause you to just fall straight into his arms..and right now, you have to be strong

“you once told me that it doesn’t matter where we are, as long as we have each other then we’re home, but minho i don’t have you anymore”

“i promise I’ll try harder, i’ll text you everyday if I have to! anything to get the old us back!”

you scoff at this

“i don’t want you to force yourself to interact with me because you have to, i want you to do it because you want to. lets face it, i-i don’t have room in your life anymore”

you hated the fact that you stuttered but give yourself a break okAy your heart is being ripped into pieces

“but i-i love you”

as much as you wanted to just crawl into bed with his arms around you, you knew that this needed to stop

and so for the first time in a long time, you’ve decided that it was time to put yourself first

“if you love me then don’t make this harder,, please, just...go”

(A/N): i ran out of data so i decided to be a writer for the day and wrote this in my notes lmao can y’all believe i actually wrote something with my one brain cell ,,,, also is it ok to cry over something you wrote yourself

#stray kids #minho #lee know #stray kids minho #stray kids lee know #lee know blurb #stray kids imagines #stray kids au #stray kids scenario #stray kids angst

280 notes · View notes

simptasia · 5 years

Note

charlie/des for the ship meme? :)

ooooh thanks babe!

who hogs the duvet

charlie. i can see him so easily, curled up to the side in the covers

who texts/rings to check how their day is going

uhhhh desmond but i can see them both doing this. note that this was in a time when texting was less ubiquitous and lot harder on the thumbs so the texts wouldn’t happen that often. the phone calls, more-so

who’s the most creative when it comes to gifts

charlie mainly cuz i imagine des would be less creative when it comes to objects that can be owned. charlie is the wackier, more artistic of the two

who gets up first in the morning

des. charlie sleeps in and des wakes up at like 6 in the morning to work out

who suggests new things in bed

OH FUCK THATS CHARLIE charlie is such a thirsty bitch

i’ve already headcanon’d that charlie is kinky as fuck whilst des is more, well, he’s open to other people suggesting kinks and other new things (discussing it a bit then being like “all right, brutha, we’ll try it and see how it goes)

and they’re both catholic so ya know things gonna get weird

who cries at movies

charlie

i mean, they both can depending on the movie but charlie is more likely

who gives unprompted massages

nobody should give unprompted massages but charlie, probably

who fusses over the other when they’re sick

ooh both are plausible. they’d both worry about each others well being a lot. i can tell ya who’d be better at it: des. he’s spent his early life taking care of other people, his brothers, so he’d be better at practical care work, yeah?

meanwhile charlie, whilst he has a very powerful desire to care for his loved ones, is panic-y and also an idiot. so for comparison whilst des is like making soup and preparing medicine, charlie is near hyperventilating and when des tells him to do something he runs to each task like its a life or death situation

who gets jealous easiest

CHARLIE CHARLIE CHARLIE that bitch’s jealousy issues are nasty. yeah des is an insecure person too, everybody on lost is but des is normal in comparison to charlie who is so very not okay and *needs* validation and attention and love like its oxygen. and is very insecure. and this manifests as seething jealousy. the “they have a friend? that means they hate me” kinda jealousy. add the fact that desmond is clit meltingly hot, then we have an Uh Oh situation brewing

who has the most embarrassing taste in music

take a wild fucking guess

fucking moody english indie trying to be punk rock nonsense that’s trying really hard to be deep but its really just glorified shower thoughts

that’s what i think of charlie’s music and all music like it, and charlie would be into other bands that’re also into philosophical wanking on stage

who collects something unusual

pass

who takes the longest to get ready

charlie

des just puts on some clothes and finger combs his hair a bit. and he knows how to be quick at showers due to his time in the hatch. also des is so that kinda person is like, effortlessly hot. and he doesn’t even know it

charlie is the kinda guy who wears nail polish and eye liner and jewelry, of course he’s taking longer to get ready. he also wants attention and has awful self esteem so he’s not ready until he’s satisfied with his level of early 2000s bi stereotype punk grunge look that day. takes longer days where he hates how he looks no matter what he does and can’t denial himself into Manic Pride mode

fuck i can meta anything can’t i?

but yeah des is just insta hot and charlie is perfecting organized chaos

who is the most tidy and organised

in my head, im comparing their living spaces we see on the show. if i remember correctly, charlie has records lying around on his floor? but i may be wrong

i’d say they’re kinda even

who gets most excited about the holidays

oh, i can see them both enjoying that, with charlie expressing most glee (side note: he’s a december baby so theres that). christmas was a chore for desmond when he was young because 3 brothers but him and penny had lovely christmas together. and i imagine charlie had great christmas with his family too

it just feels like a nice aesthetic/mood for both of them

who is the big spoon/little spoon

theres no Rules but oof, des and charlie… really nice mental image

who gets most competitive when playing games and/or sports

charlie, the try hard

who starts the most arguments

charlie. throughout life in general, really

(i can see him being a “whats THAT supposed to mean??” kinda person)

who suggests that they buy a pet

I NEVER PICTURED THEM OWNING A PET

i dunno i dunno!!! i don’t even know what to picture!!

what couple traditions they have

???pass

what tv shows they watch together

pass, i can’t think of anything

what other couple they hang out with

well, penny and claire would be the other half of this polyam quartet

and uh. theres a lot of couples in lost. and if charlie is alive then everybody is so its really a free for all. big family

how they spend time together as a couple

- kissing, cuddling, banging

- having emotional breakdowns

- des could teach charlie how to sail

- and on the flipside, charlie can teach des an instrument

- it occurs to me that at some point they could start going to church together

- blessed be to all whom date charlie pace for the shitty poetry they’d have to endure (but lovingly, seeing charlie passionate is beautiful to des and claire)

who made the first move

i flip back and forth on that one, but i do have a preference for des being the one o start the ball rolling on this thing. not set in stone tho

who brings flowers home

aww des!!!

who is the best cook

desmond, whom i imagine is a pretty good cook. and charlie eats simple kinds of foods that anybody could get by on. many of which don’t require cooking. e.g beans on toast, noodles, tea/coffee, things you microwave, store bought desserts, yogurt. more often than not, orders a take-a-way

both of them came from poor/below average backgrounds but des has had to take care of more people growing up, whilst charlie had a more stable homelife and his dad was a butcher so i figure he was physically well cared for. and charlie’s mum comes across as really, really doting (maybe too much)

so once he grew up and lived his with brother, he was like “oh, mum used to cook all that stuff, guess we’ll just have a chinese for dinner, liam”, not in those words of course but i mean, that was the Mood. he misses banoffee pie

and des can actually make stuff that requires steps and a pre-heated oven

#lost headcanons #thanks for that!#i can just jump on that sad charlie meta at any given moment #arthurwilde

3 notes · View notes

ohneweiterebedeutung · 7 years

Link

A gay footballer: an interview with Tony Quindt

„Two pro players want to come out, but…“

Interview: Jannik Schneider

In 2009 amateur footballer Tony Quindt ended the „game" of hide-and-seek he’d been playing for years and came out as homosexual to his team and the public. Ever since then he’s been committed to the cause of gay footballers, generating a lot of public interest. His connections span professional football as well. In an interview for SPOX’ week of Taboos in Football he explains about the difficulties of coming out and the acting talent of gay pro footballers.

SPOX: Mr. Quindt, earlier this year an exchange between Thomas Hitzlsperger and Clarence Seedorf at a FIFA congress went viral on social media. Seedorf had enquired, with honest interest but also quite resolutely, why Hitzlsperger cared so much about informing the public about his sexual orientation. The German answered that public declarations and coming-outs would be necessary until they became a normality, and got predominantly positive feedback for it. What’s your take on the situation?

Tony Quindt: I approve of his answer as well as the wide coverage it got. Mr. Hitzlsperger’s wish for a piece of normalcy for himself and all of us homosexual footballers, athletes and people from other lines of work is understandable and a step in the right direction.

Many people hoped his outing in 2014 would open the door for active footballers. But for the most part, nothing happened since. Why is it still so difficult for professional footballers to come out?

I had high hopes back then, too, maybe too much so. I expected several to join him soon. Maybe the timing of his outing, a few months after the end of his career, was too late. The reactions back then weren’t purely positive, especially in religious circles. In some parts of society and football as well, there was yet a need for education. There were public statements like „I don’t know how I would have felt if I’d had to share a shower with a gay teammate at the same time.“

Jens Lehmann said that in a talk show.

Yes, but it wasn’t just him. There are still a lot of reservations, sometimes publicly stated, sometimes off the record. In order to come out a footballer needs confidence and security. The latter isn’t always a given with football clubs, on any level. A lot of factors have to align. The player would have to be sure that his team, his coach, the board and even the sponsors will stand behind his decision. We’re far away from that in the Bundesliga. Still, Hitzlsperger’s coming-out was a step forward. Other footballers saw the reactions and can now assess it for themselves.

Thanks to your public work you’re well-connected. Did you know he was gay before his outing?

Although I know a few gay Bundesliga players, I didn’t know about him. An official coming-out helps the gay scene get more acceptance. But I do learn a lot and know who’s gay and who isn’t.

The American footballer Robbie Rogers decided to come out in 2013 after a slump in his career in England, initially he retired while only in his mid-twenties. A while later LA Galaxy successfully encouraged him to come out of retirement.

Another positive example. He was accepted within the MLS. And I’m sure he made his contribution to American society in general and a lot of gay people can identify with him.

He’s been quoted as saying „We [gay footballers] are such great actors, because we’re afraid to let people know who we are.“ You’ve made that experience yourself in amateur football before coming out, is that true?

At home I was free of all of that, but being at my football club, with my teammates that I liked very much and had known a long time, I couldn’t be myself, due to my homosexuality. I was always anxious and tense and had to be careful: What do I say? How do I move? Does that look masculine? I was afraid and didn’t want my colleagues to find out and ostracise me.

What consequences did that have on the pitch?

I was always the quiet one. But I played roughly, sometimes too rough, to come off especially manly. And it went on seamlessly after the game, when the team went for a beer together and talked about women. I wanted to belong so I had to join in on the conversations and just made up stories about picking up women. I constructed a whole parallel world. With stories about women, girlfriends, more and more details. At some point it became very exhausting to keep up a believable front. One lie followed the other, story after story. There came a point where I didn’t know myself anymore what was true and what wasn’t. This mental stress finally led to the decision to end it all and come out.

Did this game of hide-and-seek impact your performance as a footballer?

Definitely. The difference was noticeable. After my coming-out I was freer on as well as off the pitch. I wasn’t so occupied with myself so much anymore, didn’t have to constantly check and keep up my façade, I was just myself. Tony, playing football with his lads. I felt really good, really free. It was such a relief.

And your team?

A lot of teammates told me months, even a year later how positively the coming-out affected my personality as well as my performance as a player. Apparently it was plain to see.

Do you think that’s applicable to professional football, though?

For sure! The pressure to perform is even much, much higher there.

It’s about nuances.

That’s why you cannot appreciate enough the achievements of so many gay footballers. If the need to hide went away, who knows what would be possible. If a Bundesliga player came out officially and the club, the fans, DFL, DFB and politicians supported him and at the first game afterwards created a general atmosphere that put the player along with his team at ease, that would certainly send out a positive signal. And that player maybe wouldn’t remain alone for long

But a coming-out can have negative consequences, too. There are probably several users thinking, “he can talk, playing only in Kreisliga [District league, 7th tier]”. What reactions did you get?

In my club there weren’t any negative reactions, none at all. Of course there were bound to be one or two guys who were uncomfortable, but they never let me know. Instead I got a lot of encouragement, congratulations and was engaged in conversations about it. And the crowd always cheered for me - and in the village that meant a lot of pensioners with thoroughly conservative views. For example as I was about to be subbed in the cheers got really loud. I’m getting goosebumps just talking about it. That motivated me very much, I’m not taking it for granted.

What about the opposing players and fans?

That’s what surprised me most of all. Players from other teams approached me before the game and wanted to talk to me. I had expected a lot more head wind and negative comments. And when the players from the opposing team are so positive, the fans don’t say anything either.

And in the heat of the battle, during a game, in contentious situations, there were no insults, no inappropriate comments or homophobic slurs?

No. No situation that would fit that cliché.

You said you knew gay pro footballers. Can you give us any insight into how they manage to arrange a life in professional competitive sports with their secret private life?

By now everybody should be aware that there are gay Bundesliga players. And they keep up this - in quotes - perfect life for society. The successful athlete with a pretty woman in a perfect relationship. There are special model agencies where you can book women for public appearances, relationships and also fake marriages. So in public they do everything that a real girlfriend or wife would do.

Do all gay players do that, without exception, because it’s something like an unwritten law?

Well, there are many who handle it that way. But there are exceptions, who just officially live alone and don’t care what people make of it. But all approaches have one thing in common.

Being?

Whether in a fake relationship or single: all homosexual footballers put in a lot of effort in order to be able to live their sexual orientation in secret - or just to meet their boyfriend.

This mental pressure and the fear of being caught has to be inhumanly heavy?

There are cases where gay footballers actively got separated from their agency women because they couldn’t stand it any longer. Thomas Hitzlsperger, too, before his coming-out was engaged to get married to a woman. This game of hide-and-seek, the mental pressure that comes with it, I don’t think anybody can endure that for too long.

On the one hand, no professional footballer feels ready to come out. On the other hand society protects their secrets. Nothing is leaked to the public. How does that compute?

When gay players out themselves to their circles, the gay scene or towards journalists, it’s always about agreements. After all, the player’s actual existence is at stake. Say a player was outed against his will by a journalist or a group. What would happen?

He’d deny it.

Exactly. But on the whole, that would be much worse for the player than the hiding beforehand. With this new extra pressure he’d have to try and keep up delivering his performance on the pitch, arrange his private life and keep up his whole attitude towards life in general - all while being especially watched by the media and consequently, the public. But from what I’ve seen of these agreements in the past years, no journalist would dare. I think, anyway, that the press plays a special part here.

Which one?

Gay footballers who don’t want to come out have to be protected. An involuntary outing is no good to anyone.

Let’s get back to your own story. Did you have a concrete plan after making the decision to come out?

I did take a little time to prepare. But there was a lot of spontaneity as well. I didn’t know and was afraid how the teammates would react. These fears: What do I do if they don’t accept it? That completely preoccupied me. Because I greatly enjoyed playing in this team, so there were a lot of What-ifs weighing on my mind.

So how did you go about it eventually?

I brought a man along with me to a team party and introduced him as my boyfriend (smiles).

Wow! Quite forward.

Yes, that provided plenty to talk about (laughs). But in the long run it absolutely was the right decision.

Do you know of any German professional footballers generally willing to come out? Or is the general attitude „Hell no!“

I’ve heard of two footballers who have talked to each other about it and are thinking of doing it, but only in a group with other players. They don’t dare if it’s just the two of them.

The English Football Association’s chairman Greg Clarke stated six months ago that he’d talked to several gay footballers of the Premier League and encouraged them to have a synchronised coming-out which would get a lot of public attention. At the same time he advised against trying it on your own.

I’d approve of that. Provided there’s an organised plan for it. Rushing into something badly thought out, without proper preparation, with a sensitive topic like this one could become problematic. Some clubs have sponsors from regions that are not that far advanced where education and tolerance are concerned and it could blow up in their face.

Why do these two German players have reservations?

Because with only two players, especially as they don’t play for the same club, the focus would be very much on them. If suddenly more clubs had gay players the situation in the stadiums would get easier, as well.

In what way?

If there are homosexual players in both line-ups, neither fan group will sing homophobic chants.

So to make a note of that: There are two Bundesliga players that intend to come out.

Yes, it’s true. But as I said: They don’t dare yet. And I can understand them. Bundesliga with everything to it is something else entirely. Those two think the entire construct as such isn’t ready yet.

Are DFB, DFL and German football in general doing enough for the education about and acceptance of homosexuality?

Especially where the media’s concerned there’s still a lot to improve. Not just for the national associations like DFB. The regional associations, too. There’s a lot of talk - I myself have been to talks with my regional association in Schleswig-Holstein. But too little action.

What do you mean in particular?

I organised a tournament against homophobia with my club in Elmenhorst and the association supported me, they provided jerseys for the winners with the slogan „Schleswig-Holstein kickt fair“. But beyond the gesture I didn’t recognise any true intention to do something.

Do you have concrete ideas?

Several. Borussia Dortmund had a special "day of action" surrounding a Bundesliga game. Why don’t other clubs? No other Bundesliga club in recent years thought of this actually quite simple idea. Though Berlin’s football association has been exemplary for years now. Beyond that I’m campaigning for the issue to be part of the training of coaches and referees, as a compulsory subject! Coaches and refs have such a huge influence in professional football. Concerning the associations, the magic word is publicity.

Amateur football reflects a large part of society. Over the years have footballers gotten in contact with you when they wanted to come out or for advice?

I always get messages and feedbacks when I’ve done big interviews like this one. A lot of great messages, but sad stories as well, and notes of discrimination. Those just make me shake my head. Those messages aren’t just from footballers, but people from all kinds of different sports, referees as well. It seems it’s especially tough for them.

What do you mean?

There’s a referee with over 30 years of experience that got into touch with me. Ever since it became known that he’s homosexual he’s not been allowed to work anymore-

Excuse me?!

That’s what I said. I asked for the reasoning. They said that because he’s into men, there’s a danger of him favouring players because of their attractiveness. So he was put on leave.

By a regional association?

As far as I know by DFB. I was speechless, it’s a classic instance of double standards. On the one hand they want to campaign against homophobia and support Hitzlsperger’s statements. And then in a concrete case like this in amateur football they’re acting like that - DFB themselves.

Let’s talk about more pleasant things. In addition to the league you play for a gay football club from Hamburg. Are all the players from the gay football club also active in, as you call them, hetero clubs?

The club, by the way, is for lesbians, too, and the ages range from 16 to far into the 40s. When I joined I was the only one who also played competitively, it was a pure-hobby team. By now there are three players who play for another club - all of us for Elmenhorst.

Three’s still very few.

But you mustn’t forget: A lot of them come to Hamburg especially for the community. Everybody in that team is gay. For the duration of training nobody has to pretend or hide. We thought about registering with the league. But we weren’t enough people. But for those who want to be more serious about it there are fewer obstacles now than there used to be - at least in my club. We’ve organised friendlies as well. The gay team greatly appreciates my team’s tolerance. Nobody’s discriminated against, that’s why the other two transferred to us.___

Jannik Schneider, the interviewer and editor of SPOX, wrote on twitter that they’re following up on the story of the referee who was put on leave and trying to get more, reliable information

#Homosexuality in Football #Fußball #Tony Quindt #Thomas Hitzlsperger #Homophobie #SPOX #Themenwoche #Interview #my translation #as ever please alert me to mistakes #ich bin eigentlich gar nicht da #das Wesentliche

42 notes · View notes

spotlightsaga · 7 years

Photo

Kevin Cage of @spotlightsaga reviews... Drag Race (S09E07) 9021-HO Airdate: May 5, 2017 Ratings: 0.694 Million :: 0.3 18-49 Demo Share Score: 9/10 **********SPOILERS BELOW********** Ever had a really terrible day where your whole world is ripped apart? That was my day yesterday... And even though I've already watched '9021H0' & 'Ru Paul's Roast' (and purposefully have avoided writing reviews), I thought it was Friday... Or was wishing it was... As was like Please, GOD, get me home so I can watch these Drag Race bitches so they can lift me up, because lorrrrrd... I'm falling apart. I'm a struggling writer with two degrees taking whatever work I can get freelance writing, working at well known South Florida Bar on the weekends (and that job along with the 5 hour total commute a day through the dredges of Miami is killing me)... But Spotlight Saga is my baby, every dollar I make in everything goes to making this existential media online mag dream come true, and it is not cheap. I hate to turn this all about, 'ME ME ME ME MEEEEE' as Valentina would croon, but I gotta have my Alexis Michelle moments too and I really need my place where I can just let everything out and connect with you all... Avid fans of the show, readers of everything Spotlight Saga, and all the people at 'World of Wonder' and the contestants of the show that will see what I will say next. For almost two weeks, I have everyone in Miami saying, 'I'M ON SPEED TOO!', 96% have no idea what they're referencing but lawd, Trinity girl... And really all the contestants who made this episode such a success really have gotten me through a tough time through dealing with 3 deaths in the past week... And a sudden realization that my fight for Nina's treatment on the show was a reflection was something I was feeling at work and in life. I identify with you, Nina, because just like you, I'm talented, deal with with depression, and am a little bit crazy, girl. All your struggles that we see stripped down to the bone, especially on WOW's 'Untucked' don't go unnoticed. And I'm always here with open arms if you need me. You are beautiful, you are talented, and are going to get you some acting classes! Again, Drag Race & Untucked is my last living connection to the 'Gay World', and even though some of you shits send me death threats after I critique this show, it really is one of the only positive experiences in Gay Culture I have left. I love that we start out '9021HO' with the girls going back to the workroom, Alexis finally celebrating a well deserved win, Nina admitting her issues with getting in the way of her success, Shea Couleé delivering the 'I'ma lift you up in church and put you on the cross and crucify your ass if you don't do you and stop this mental block you throw up that keeps you from succeeding (Not only does Nina need to hear that, so do I - You are a perfection Shea), and Trinity 'The Tuck' Taylor giving us that true Floridian 'Another one down, now the real bitch can prove it's her town' Florida 'Suit of Armor' bit. Start your engine, mother fuckers... Ru enters the workroom and announces that Jenny Garth & Tori Spelling will be the guest judges for the upcoming challenge... And that the contestants will be transporting back to 1993 putting on their version of '9021HO'... Notable, because Farrah Moan announces that was the year he was born... Alex's face is priceless, 'You were born in 93?' That was my reaction to finding out that the barback at my weekend job telling me he was born in 2000! Do you know the debauchery I was knee deep 'In the yeaaaaaar 2000000000!' Ru takes Alex's reaction up an even larger notch (cuz shhh, Ru is much older - not that Ru ages) 'Im gonna fucking fuck you up!' Peppermint won the lip sync, I'm sorry... BURNED THAT LIP SYNC DOWN TO THE MOTHER FUCKING GROUND, so Ru gives her the honor of leading the group an assigning the roles... An honor that's both a curse and a blessing. Peppermint takes the high ground and asks the contestants what roles they feel the most right for, and really tries to give everyone the role they not only want, but feel the comfortable in. Cant please everybody, especially when there's pressure to perform at your highest ability, Aja has a meltdown from hell after being cast as Grandrea... But Peppermint isn't having it. Bitch we love you, but if you don't know want the role and are going to bring that kind of attitude to the production, Shea will gladly take the role she doesn't really want and make it one of the best in the show... That's kind of what she does. And I know that Aja was regretting this one later. Those cameras are on you almost 24/7, so if you have a meltdown like that, not only are they going to feature it prominently on the show, they are going to throw it up in your face when it comes time to face the music. I have it paused on Aja's 'reaction face'... Baby, if we are to be wed, this isn't the face you should ever make again. Alex is quick to click, 'You're going to have to grow up and accept the challenge.' Queens, going forward, if Shea gladly accepts the role you don't want, worry, she will take it, make it, and easy fucking bake it... And you don't want that coming up on the runway. Garth & Spelling introduce themselves and get to work... Its a bit like Snatch Games some contestants are automatically killing it (Trinity Taylor, Valentina, Shea Coulee), some need a bit of direction but are able to take it like pros and turn it in to magic (Alexis Michelle takes notes and follows the lead of Garth & Spelling, and for the most part Farrah - she just takes a bit longer than others, but hey, that's part of her charm, and Sasha Velour who didn't do bad, but didn't do great either), and then there are the those that bombed (Aja, Nina, Peppermint).... And there's nothing worse than watching these Queens on Drag Race bomb. Despite the criticisms I get for reviewing this portion of the show (God, get me to Untucked), I grow attached to all these contestants and want everyone to succeed, sometimes despite themselves. We all get in our way sometimes, and rather than seeing everyone bomb I want to Ru Paul to be put in a position where she doesn't know who to put in the top, the bottom, or even make safe... I want to everyone to shine. Everything is taped, the editing begins, and the queens prepare for a sick runway... You know what that means... Your VH1 mandated Drag Race workroom therapy sessions (I'm sure WOW is like, can we just do things our way, PLEASE... Are the ratings really that much different from Logo's, especially on a Friday Night.) The Queens talk prom, Alex has a pic of he and his date at prom in full drag... Alexis Michelle haters, can you please give this bitch some credit... That's an act of a true pioneer, that takes balls, and if you don't have balls, it takes gumption. Valentine was prom king... Perfection isn't surprising with this one. Now I am already a huge Trinity Taylor fan, this is a Florida bitch... Its hot down here and we have to put up with craziest people in the world, and if they're not born here they migrate from literally all over the world to bring their crazy to one huge hodgepodge of sweltering, alligator 'rasslin, porta-potty lighting on fire and tippin' insanity. It takes a special kind of crazy to survive the Everglades, bitch. Hearing Trinity's story about quitting the last two years of high school to take care of his grandmother touched me, especially since my partner of 11+ years had to do the same after his mother died at age 7 and his 5 sisters abandoned him to live with and take care of his father who turned into a scared and lonely, verbally and emotionally abusive man who eventually was taken by cancer in his final hours as my partner was robbed of his high school experience. If there was one thing I could change in this world, it isn't to take that experience that ultimately made him stronger in life and one of the most loyal and amazing men I have ever had the pleasure of knowing... Not to mention a loving, dedicated caretaker and lover who sticks by me through all my bullshit, self-destructive behavior, depression, and dependence issues over the years... But to go back and just sit next to him while he has to endure it, just so that someone else was there. Trinity, the next time you are in Miami, we would like to offer you the full Prom experience. I'm not sure Ginger Cubs are your thing, but my partner is certainly not that... So you get the best of both worlds, and my offer is real. I live on Collins in Miami Beach so 'The Prom' experience is something we can definitely give you in full, the 305 'White Boys in a Cuban World' version anyway... Followed by a senior trip and the whole nine. And I totally agree with Alex, I also truly believe those we've lost are there, watching, carrying us, picking us up when we need to get the fuck up off the floor... Even if we can't see them, 'cause god knows we can feel them. Runway Time!!! Ru is ready with 90's pastel, looking mighty, like a Queen who owned the 90s... Oh she was? And the 80s? And the 00's and the 10's too... Oh, that's right! This outfit reminded me of that, silly me! The makeup is a bit, uhm, off... But we're going to act like the makeup and the wig are flawless... oh we're not? Ok. Category is... Big Hair, Everywhere! Valentina... What were you guys expecting? Anything less than perfection? Diana Ross was her inspiration and it reads, but I wanted some early, EARLY 90's touch to this runway, and this is reading 70's. Farrah Moan, Crushed it. When Farrah doesn't stand out in challenges, she's there on the runway making grown men weep. Trinity Taylor, I love her everything, she can do no wrong, and if there is wrong, I'm sure it was someone else. This look is sick, and Trinity's voiceovers just make every step on the runway that much more entertaining. Top 3 at the end or bust. Sasha Velour... Big hair is inspiring a life of 70's/80's looks and yes 'Sid ate Nancy' is perfect. Fuck it, this look is sick, no complaints and anyway punk is forever Brooklyn. Peppermint... Again with the 70's, but hey... No one said '90's twist' so I guess I should stfu. Peppermint looks ready for Studio 54, and she's jumping the line, baby. Nina... YASSSSSSS, see this is what I'm talking about. Even if Nina bombed the challenge look at this early 90's Club Kid inspired runway with a Banana Fana Fo'Fina twist, that paint, RAWR. Shea Couleé... OK. Did someone say milkshake earlier? This is one of my favorite looks. Alexis Michelle... Big Hair, Floating in the water... Oh my! Not only does Alexis give us Disney Villain realness, she also ties it in to the mirror character she played. This is a winning look. Period. Aja... I like it... This is one of her better looks and there is definitely a progression throughout the show in terms of growth in the runway. It's just hard to follow Alexis Michelle... But it's hard to deny that Aja didn't do exactly what the judges asked of her here and more. 9021-HO... Living for this intro. Nina & Peppermint open, neither one dazzle, but this is not Nina's challenge. They immediately introduce them to Shea's 'Grandrea' and it's lights out. The divide is widening, and I'm not talking about Michelle Visage 🙃. Valentina & Farrah rock, the edits are surprisingly strong for Farrah, but Valentina could outshine the sun. Sasha Velour looks like Alaska Thunderfuck & Sharon Needles had a baby and left it home by itself. If Sasha had turned the volume up, she could've been in the top, what stopped her from taking this to the next level?! Trinity, my God, this performance has gotten me through the roughest two weeks in my life as of late... And if you pause the show at any point in the prom, there is not a frame that doesn't include Trinity Taylor that won't have you on your knees, laughing until you cry. The lip sync... A classic. Let's be honest, CeCe Peniston's 'Finally' had a much larger reach than the gay community... It was an electronic music classic, it was gay club classic, and even remixed to perfection for rave and club scenes throughout the 90's and early 00's. YES, Aja has made incredible strides and growth throughout the season, but Nina took that lip sync down to the river. It is what it is. Cheers to one of the best episodes of Drag Race to originally air on VH1. Now, excuse me while I catch the fuck up!

2 notes · View notes

what-lies-within-us · 7 years

Text

Awakening - cont. in IM

Rachel gave a small wince at how Mrs. Weasley all but told Ginny off. She briefly wandered how a discussion involving Draco and Ginny would go. The mental image was not pretty. One fireplace later they had arrived at the burrow. And after brushing off some soot Rachel peered around the kitchen where the fireplace was, taking in her first look of the Burrow. “It has a nice homely feeling to it.” She commented with a shy smile.

“Homely is a good word for it, I think.” Mrs. Weasley agreed as the small group stepped through the fireplace and into the living room. “George’ll be sure to give you the grand tour once you’re feeling up to it. For now though, I think it would be best to set you up in Bill and Charlie’s room. You’ll be right next to Ginny, and George-” “I’ll be right upstairs in Percy’s room. Gin, help me carry these bags into Bill’s room.”

“And George? After you’ve dropped the bags off and everything could you draw me a bath? I really want to wash off that hospital smell.” Rachel called out as both siblings stated to take up the bags. That was phase one of her revenge plan. And she was going to have fun with it even if she were confined to a chair. The brunette gave a sheepish smile to Mrs. Weasley. “He’s going to hate me for making him do small tasks like that.”

“Yeah? Will you need help undressing as well?” George called back to Rachel from Bill’s room. “Gross, George!” Ginny groaned. “Can you wait at least a few hours before you try to get into Rachel’s pants?” Molly shook her head and tutted under her breath as she wheeled Rachel into the kitchen so she could start preparing dinner. “Oh, he won’t mind. He might complain but you know he would do anything you ask of him, especially while you’re healing. All you need to do is bat those pretty eyes of yours at him and you could make that boy do just about anything.”

“I intend to do just that.” The brunette said with a satisfied smirk. “And I promise I won’t use my eyes against him anymore the I would have to.” She added quickly, not wanting Mrs. Weasley to think she was somehow using her looks or charm to get George to do what she wanted. Then again she had the charm range of a teaspoon. “Is there anything I can do to help?” She asked, feeling a little strange sitting there with nothing to do. But then what could she do. Her arm was still in a sling and the wrist of the arm that wasn’t was wrapped up.

Mrs. Weasley merely looked amused as Rachel concocted her revenge for George’s stunt with her favorite bra. She knew Rachel well enough to know that the girl didn’t have any intentions of using George, but merely giving him what he deserved. Merlin knew that boy needed a taste of his own medicine, especially after all of the years of pranks and mischief she’d had to endure as their mother. “Oh no dear, you just relax. It sounds like George is setting up your bath right now.” Sure enough, a few minutes later, George finally came into the kitchen. “I’ll set up your room while Gin helps you.”

“What you’re not gonna help me?” Rachel asked, a giggle escaping her at his reaction before she nodded. “Alright then. You going to wheel me to the bathroom Weasley? I don’t know my way around your house yet and I can’t wheel myself because I don’t have my wand.” Her eyes widened as she patted her sleeve where she usually kept it. “George? Please tell me you have my wand. And if your try to prank me or make a joke about it so help me I’ll bury you alive.”

George took the handles of Rachel’s wheelchair so he could wheel her toward the bathroom. He bent down low over her and kept his voice low so that his mother wouldn’t hear him. “Would you like me to?” He smirked. “Wait…your wand?” He gasped as he stopped the wheelchair in front of the filled bathtub. “Fuck Maestro. The last I saw it, I think it was…..up your arse?”

His comment earned him a hit to the head followed by a hiss of pain since she had turned her upper body to reach him. “I’m serious George.” She grumbled as she turned back around to slowly pull her sling over her head keeping her arm cradled to her chest before slowly stretching it out. “Could you take off my head bandage for me please?”

“Ouch, watch it-” George instinctively flinched as Rachel reached around to smack him. Though admittedly, the girl was too weak to actually hurt him. “Calm down, I have it. I’ve been using it as a backscratcher.” At her request, he began to gingerly unwind the layers of bandage off of her head, letting out a small sigh of relief as he saw the that the wound there was nearly healed.

She shot him a warning glance before sighing and shaking her head, wincing slightly at the dull pain. As the bandages fell away from her head she sighed in relief, gingerly running her fingers through her hair, grimacing when they would brush against a rather tender spot. “You can leave if you want. I’ll call you if I need you.” She said with a shrug. Despite her earlier teasing she wasn’t about to undress in front of him.

“I’m taking pity on you. It wouldn’t do for your mother to kick my servant out of the house for taking advantage of me.” She smirked at him before shooing him off, playfully trying to hit him as she did. The feeling of his lips pressing to her slightly throbbing temple made her go still. She was still staring at the wall of the bathroom her finger lightly grazing the area where his lips had touched her when Ginny entered. “Hey Ginny.” A smile of sympathy was given to the red head. “How’re you holding up?”

Ginny tried her best not to seem like she was sulking, but it was difficult when so much was weighing heavily on her mind. “What’s more important is how you’re holding up,” she diverted, “How are you feeling? Are you sore? What am I asking, of course you’re sore. Maybe once you’re done bathing you’ll get to take some of those pain potions that make you go all loopy.” The redhead smiled mischievously and dipped her hand into the bath water to test the temperature. “Feels alright. Let’s get you in.”

Rachel let her rant, silently sitting in her wheel chair and listening to the girl speak. Once Ginny told her that the bath was ready she nodded and slowly started to remove her clothes, not wanting to accidentally pull on a sore muscle. With Ginny’s help she climbed into the tub and sighed as the warm water enveloped her whole body. “This geeks amazing.” She sighed, resting her head back against the tub.

Ginny assisted in undressing Rachel, helping her to tug off her sleeves and navigate her head through the neckline of her shirt. But finally Rachel was able to sink into the warm tub of water, and Ginny could only imagine how good it felt after days of laying in a hospital bed. “Imagine how nice it will be to spend the next few weeks laying in bed and bossing George around while mum serves you home cooked meals.” Ginny said with a smirk as she handed Rachel the bar of soap.

She giggled, running her fingers through the water. “Sounds like heaven.” Taking a deep breath she dunked her head under the water for a few seconds, eyes squeezed shut before emerging, her hair plastered to her head and face. She took the bar of soap and gingerly moved it across her body, being careful not to run too hard on her dis-colored skin. “I guess it was a good thing Draco Malfoy came to warn us. Otherwise I have a feeling none of us would be here.” She commented.

“….Oh. Yeah, I suppose so.” Ginny muttered in reply. She was fetching a wash cloth out of the cupboard to hand to Rachel, but her movements became hesitant at the sudden mention of Draco. “I guess that makes him a bit of a hero. No one ever anticipated that.” It felt strange to talk about him, pretending to be casual about her feelings for him when in reality, she couldn’t seem to think about anything /except/ him. She’d been visiting his flat every day since the battle, hoping he’d show up. But the boy had vanished.

Her eyes followed every movement, trying to decipher something, anything that would give her some leverage as to how deep the feelings for Malfoy went for Ginny. “I suppose it does. Do you know when he will be back?” She asked, slowly letting the warm water wash away the soap suds, sighing how clean she felt. Though her hair was still dirty despite being wet. Reaching out for the shampoo with her less injured arm she attempted to open the cap with the same hand, still feeling an ache in her other arm.

“Oh, let me-” Ginny hurried reached out and grabbed the shampoo bottle away from Rachel, grateful for any distraction from the current subject. She knelt down by the tub and poured some of the lavender-scented creme into her palm so she could assist her friend in scrubbing the stuff into her hair. “I don’t think he is coming back.” She finally muttered a minute or so later. “He’s just…gone.”

The brunette sat quietly for the next few seconds. Partly enjoying how Ginny’s fingers were gently massaging the throbbing in her head away, and quietly thinking over how everything had gone for Ginny. And with the lack of information she had, there wasn’t much to think about. “I’m sorry he left like that.” She finally spoke, turning her head slightly to look at her friend.

“Are you? George will be ecstatic when he finds out that Draco probably left the country.” Ginny wouldn’t help but mutter bitterly. “And my parents. And Harry.” It truly seemed like everyone in her life was disappointed with her. She’d made a bad decision. She’d fallen for the one person she was supposed to resent. She sighed and gave her head a small shake as she cupped her hands in the water to begin rinsing out the suds in Rachel’s hair. “But it doesn’t matter now. Because I’m probably never going to see him again.” At this, it was apparent that she girl was struggling to keep her voice even.

She kept quite after that, not know what else she could say to the red head. Closing her eyes to avoid getting any suds in them, she helped wash out the shampoo as well sighing in relief once every last bit of foam was gone and she was finally clean. “Thank you for helping me Ginny.” She said after getting out of the tub and tying a towel around her body. “I know it may seem hopeless right now, but from what is saw before I passed out, something was different about him. I may not be an expert in love or anything but how he protected you and came to you, to warn you the second he could, just shows that despite him leaving he cared for you.” She reached out to place a comforting hand on the red head’s shoulder, giving her a smile. “He did all that for you. So maybe he might come back for you.”

Ginny helped Rachel out of the bath, holding her elbows to steady her while she wrapped herself up in a towel. “Much better.” Ginny commented with a smile. “How are you feeling?” Rachel then spoke up about Draco, and Ginny wasn’t sure of what to say. She wanted to believe her words, but it was hard to trust the man after he’d told her time and time again that she didn’t mean anything to him. “Listen to me rambling about boys while you almost died a few days ago. C'mon, smells like dinners almost ready.”

Despite her best efforts Rachel let out a small snort at Ginny’s words. “Way to change the subject Ginny.” She teased before nodding. “Alright. Let me just get into my clothes. I’ll have George comb my hair later.” The brunette added with a small grin before proceeding to pull on her clothes, wincing every now and then when her body or a limb would move at an odd angle. She tried cleaning up the bathroom as much as she could too. “Lead the way then please.” She looped her good arm through Ginny’s before stepping out of the bathroom.

The redhead was glad that Rachel seemed to have enough energy to get around without the wheelchair, albeit with assistance. It seemed the shower had worked miracles on her, as though the warm water had helped loosen her joints and alleviate her pain. They piled her hair up into a towel turban on top of her head and the pair finally shuffled out of the bathroom for supper. Molly had made a large, delicious supper that was particularly decadent to celebrate Rachel’s homecoming from the hospital. Warm mashed potatoes, deliciously seasoned steak, plenty of cooked vegetables on the side, and wine for the entire table.

As she sat at the table with the rest of the Weasleys, Rachel wandered to herself when was the last time she had sat down to a family meal? Usually she ate dinner alone. She ate lunch with George sometimes since they would be at work. But if the shop was crowded she would eat in between customers. Sitting at the table with everyone laughing and smiling made her feel warm inside, yet it brought on sadness a well. And by the time she had bid everyone goodnight she was near tears, half aware of someone pushing her towards what would be her room during her stay.

Several glasses of wine helped George to feel at least a little bit more comfortable with being back at the burrow again. And having Rachel to care for was also a good distraction. However, it seemed that nothing would ever be able to make him feel completely at home at the burrow again. Not when every single inch of the place reminded him of Fred. Once they’d finished eating, the lanky redhead helped Rachel out of her chair, muttering something vague about getting her to bed as he led her toward Bill’s old room. He’d arranged her things in the room for her while she’d been in the bath, and had borrowed one of Ginny’s stuffed animals to put on the bed to make the very…male room seem just a tad bit more comforting. “What is it? You seem quiet.” He asked her as he led her to the bed.

She plopped down onto the bed, grateful to get off her feet, especially her right legs which still felt a little sore even though it was almost completely healed. “I’m alright.” She answered with a smile, before returning her attention to the bedspread, tracing her finger delicately along the flower pattern that adorned it. “I was just thinking about the last time I had a family dinner. With my grandparents and Dimitri. It seemed like so long ago. And it probably was.” She added with a small laugh, before turning to look at him. “You’re lucky to have people you can have family dinners with.” She lightly kicked her foot out to graze against his leg. “So to which famous Weasley did this room belong to?” She asked, looking around the room, eyes blinking rapidly to push away the tears burning behind her eyes.

It had been a while since he’d been in Bill and Charlie’s room. The pair of them had moved out years ago, so it was most commonly used as a guest room nowadays. “Bill and Charlie.” He responded when Rachel asked him whose room she was staying in. “That’s why there’s a collection of both quidditch posters and books on dragon breeding.” He chuckled to himself as Rachel toyed with his ankle. She suggested that he should be grateful of having his family, and the man simply nodded in reply. “I take them for granted.” He admitted, feeling a bit guilty for it. It was then that he noticed the tears welling in Rachel’s eyes, and his brow creased with concern. “Rachel, what’s wrong?”

“Sounds like quite the combination.” She muttered, though her heart wasn’t into joking or kidding around for once. Even with having him around. He was the only one to ever get her to show the mischievous side she had. Something she had always suppressed in order to let her more brainy and Ravenclaw-ish personality shine. “Nothing.” She shook her head. “I guess the medicine or whatever the Healer’s gave me is making my hormones go crazy.” She said with a laugh, wiping at her eyes, sniffing before she took a deep breath. “I’m alright.” She reassured him, hazel eyes turning up to look at him. “Really, stop worrying.”

Though she tried to convince him that she was fine, George still had his doubts. He lowered himself onto the mattress beside her, his blue eyes lingering on her face as she spoke. “Hm.” He hummed in reply, reaching up to gingerly pull the towel off of her head and let her half-dried locks tumble over her shoulders. They still smelled of the lavender shampoo. “If being here is too much to handle, we can figure something else out. The Weasley clan can be a lot to handle, even if there are only half of us right now. Just imagine what it’s like at holidays.”

She reached up to gently pulled at her hair, making sure no strands were piled on top of her head. “Its not that. Honestly so far I love being here.” She pursed her lips before sighing and avoiding his gaze she started to speak. “Its just I had forgotten how it felt to sit at dinner surrounded by people. A family. Even though its not my family, it made me miss all those dinners I had with my grandparents and Dimitri.” She shook her head, tugging lightly at her hair, as she fiddled with it. “I know it sounds stupid, but I really miss that.”

“It’s not stupid,” George assured Rachel as she played with her hair. “Of course you miss it.” He just wished that there was something he could do to make her feel better. It wasn’t as though eating dinner with /his/ family would ever fill the void that Rachel felt missing her own. And yet here he was, wishing that he could run as far away from his family as possible. “Here, let’s…get the tangles out of your hair.” He muttered as his gaze shifted to the ends of her hair. “I’ve never brushed hair before. Is there a charm for it? Or perhaps…” he paused, and it was apparent in his expression that his mind was racing with ideas for brush-related products he could sell. “A hair-eating hair brush..” he murmured thoughtfully.

She raised her eyebrow at him. “George? You know how I love all your ideas and always encourage them.” Placing a firm hand on his shoulder she shook it lightly. “But take it from me, you do not want to invent one of those. Because you do not mess with a girl’s hair. Or even a boy’s hair for that matter.” Her voice was serious as she spoke. “Now get the thought out of your head, take this brush.” She held her brush out to him. “And start brushing. It already has charm on it and untangles hair without the pulling and the yanking.”

He smiled to himself in satisfaction, already itching to get back to inventing. It had only been a few days since the battle, and yet already he was beginning to feel antsy without work. There was so much work to be done to open the shop again. The repairs themselves weren’t going to be easy and would likely take a week or so to complete. And so soon after they’d had their official re-opening….why couldn’t the damn place just stay in one piece for more than a few months at a time? Rachel was leaning against him as he brushed her hair, and he wrapped an arm around her waist to support her as she hummed to herself. “I wouldn’t mind.” He admitted after a few moments. “Only if you brush mine as well, though. I’m thinking of growing it out like Bill’s. Will I finally be badass?”

She let out a sigh of content as his arm wrapped around her waist giving her more support to fully lean back against him, head resting on his shoulder, her hair now partially dry and brushed. “I like your hair short. Makes it easy for me to mess up. Messing up long hair means tangles and fingers getting stuck in said tangles.” She was speaking while she was half asleep now. And clearly she wasn’t completely in her mind. “And you’re already a badass George. You made history when you left the school. That’s pretty bad ass.” She snuggled even more against him, curling up slightly as she did. “You’re warm.” The brunette mumbled sleepily.

“Well perhaps you should cut your hair short so that I can mess it up.” George proposed, as he ran the fingers of his free hand through her hair. In truth he loved her long hair, but it was still fun to tease her. She sleepily called him a badass and he chuckled to himself. “I suppose so. Still, maybe I’ll take some hair growth potion tonight just so I have have luscious locks for tomorrow.” He laid back on the bed, pulling her down with him. “And you’re falling asleep.” He commented, giving her a brief kiss atop the head. “Just promise it’s only for tonight this time, okay? No more three-day naps.”

“Just run your fingers through it to mess it up.” She muttered her voice somehow sounding irritated at his even suggesting that she cut her hair. Rachel was barely aware of him pulling her back to lie down, but she already had him to lean against so it didn’t make much of a difference to her. “Tonight.” She mumbled sleepily. “Maybe till midday tomorrow. Promise…..George.” She drifted off, her breathing even and deep as she fell asleep, tired out from her first day back in the land of the living.

Luckily for him, the wine had helped to make him drowsy. He was lucky that Rachel had let him drink at all, considering...he gave his head a brief shake, firmly reminding himself not to think about that night. "Goodnight Maestro." He hummed quietly, his arm still wrapped around her. A part of him felt like he needed to leave, but at the same time, he felt comforted by her presence. Sleeping alone in the old familiar house would be painful for him, even if he was in Percy's room. And so George simply closed his eyes, letting himself relax against the sheets and drift off with Rachel in his arms.

#rachel marie chats #likeasymphony #awakening

0 notes