#or at least was last week bc she was done quarantining last week. so idk .

[nomaishuttle]

aaa gets scared

#a couple of residents have covid so were waiting for da big boss to get here b4 we start cleanjg #it was also semi funny bc dee came to me and told Me to wear a mask . whichni always do 😭😭 i didnt have it on rj bc im sitting alone #outside lol... its ok tho #im a bittt emoji SCARED but ill survive .. #and idm taking precautions #i rly rly hope the residents who r sick get better but. scary scary scary. #bc i jad umm one of my residents 2 weeks ago she said her son had had it so she was quarantining so we didnt do hers and shes vetter now #or at least was last week bc she was done quarantining last week. so idk . #one of my other rooms i think my first wednesday room had a sign sayinh mask and gloves etc rqed. all quite scary #well. back 2 it .... dee said i dan just do my upstairs for now since its so Ahrvejbhg. the big boss should get here around 9 idt ive ever #met them...

[prosopopeya]

New Year’s Meme

this survey has been a tradition among my friend group for YEARS, but i haven’t filled it out since 2015 apparently. i’m not entirely sure why except 2016 was the year a lot of stuff changed for me, namely in that i finally got out of school in some form and started a new job, but i also had a few health problems that kept plaguing me (thyroid medicine being off, vitamin d) and my anxiety was all over the place. so here we go i’m doing it again and feel free to do it too if you want!!

1. What did you do in 2020 that you’d never done before? tried on wedding dresses. taught virtually. dealt (poorly) with drunk teenagers. performed in a pep rally. wore face masks all the time. i’m going to lump in living with someone. jon moved in october 2019, but i don’t think i did this quiz last year so. taught ap.

2. Did you keep your New Years’ resolutions and will you make more for next year? i don’t really like resolutions. they put too much pressure on me and i am a fragile person when it comes to setting expectations and living up to them. i did want to try to read more this year, and i maintained that until the pandemic, and then just kind of gave up requiring myself to do anything but live.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? i don’t think so. a coworker did.

4. Did anyone close to you die? jon’s cousin committed suicide in march or april. the circumstances were pretty upsetting. um. andy died in february, very suddenly. andy was my high school boyfriend for four years with whom i had a very... he scarred me in a lot of ways when it comes to sex and consent. it’s taken me a long time to unpack all of that. and i struggle with how much any of that was his fault or just bc he was a stupid kid too. our mutual friends had nothing but nice things to say about him on fb. anyway. he would guilt me into saying he’d kill himself if we broke up, and jon’s cousin killed himself over his girlfriend. so that was a complex part of the year.

5. What countries did you visit? none. literally the week before the quarantine, we went to asheville to visit jon’s cousin.

6. What would you like to have in 2021 that you lacked in 2020? maybe a different job? or at least some peace at doing mine.

7. What date from 2020 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? march 13 we cancelled classes and had a technology training day; the 15th we had another one, and then we were virtual the rest of the term. it was such a sudden shift and while i so loved working from home tbh, it was such a relief after a supremely shitty january/february work-wise, i still had a lot of keyed-up, stressful days centered around transitioning to being the senior upper school spanish teacher. i hate it!

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? writing 50k in the month of november. i have literally never done that before and actively reject nano as being typically unhealthy for how my mind works, so it was nice to do it entirely by accident.

9. What was your biggest failure? mishandling the drunken teenagers on that field trip in january.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? i sit crosslegged in my virtual teaching chair and i did it so much that my ankle hurt for the entire summer.

11. What was the best thing you bought? we put a deposit on our elopement in ireland. jon’s wedding ring. (i didn’t buy my wedding dress.)

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? my best friend at work who keeps me sane and is represented by benny in my au, which other than the fact that he is not my sidepiece, is perfect he is crucial to my survival at work and i love him so much. (also he is gay and the french teacher so the benny parallels just keep coming). everyone who tore down a statue in virginia (and other places, but especially monument avenue). everyone putting their lives on the line during this pandemic.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? guess! but aside from all the obvious, i found out a friend of mine at work voted for trump. my work bff and i had been trying for years to sway his politics, but that had us both deciding to give up on him.

14. Where did most of your money go?  food, ALCOHOL. god., our savings account. i did a pretty excellent job saving this year, though a good deal of that is because jon moved in and makes more money than me, and also we split all the bills.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? my wedding dress but strangely only when i went to try it on after it came in bc after the purchase i was so sure i’d made every mistake possible. my wedding band. wellbutrin changing my whole life. and, last but certainly not least, the gay angel and the bi(lingual) hunter. i wouldn’t have survived nov-dec in school without that distraction. the election.

16. What song(s) will always remind you of 2020? the entirety of taylor swift’s oeuvre this year, maybe specifically “this is me trying”

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:  i. Happier or sadder? happier, i suppose, perhaps contrary to what should be the case, but wellbutrin is a hell of a drug. ii. Older or wiser? wiser. ii. Richer or poorer? richer.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of? reading. cleaning. exercising.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of? stressing. chaperoning.

20. How will you be spending Christmas? so, an update; last year was the first year i didn’t go to my mom’s for christmas. i was supposed to see her for thanksgiving last year, but she basically told us not to come bc she wasn’t feeling up to it (cool!), and we went to jon’s for christmas and my mom’s for new year’s. 

this year, obviously we couldn’t go to my mom’s. instead, we rented a little cabin by the lake. it was perfect; it was really really nice inside, the beds were SO SOFT, the pillows were the best things i have ever laid my head on, like i took off the pillowcases to try to find the brand. we had a little tiny christmas tree with tiny ornaments from walmart that we decorated. the 23rd, we went and picked up our wedding bands. we slept two nights in the (cold) back bedroom so i could wake up and look out at the lake. it snowed for christmas. :)

we opened presents on christmas eve, per jon’s family’s tradition. on christmas eve, we also went to his family farm and sat outside and hung out a little. every year his family does like a secret santa sort of thing and i got my first present in that exchange, which is notable bc jon and i are not yet officially married. i got a remote control car -- jon’s idea bc i couldn’t think of anything, and he was so delighted to hear that i loved playing with rc cars when we went to the beach as a kid.

christmas morning we facetimed my parents and opened some presents together. then jon and i marathoned mandalorian (after spending the previous few days watching several die hard movies), and then we watched wonder woman 1984 which was a bad movie.

21. How will you be spending New Year’s Eve? ok LAST year for new year’s, we were in a hotel room, so that was nice, bc it meant minimal stress with my parents. i had always wanted to go to this restaurant near us that has a special new year’s menu, so we did that. the night before or after i think we went to cheesecake factory, which was also amazing.

this year currently i’m tumbling and he’s playing pokemon, and in a bit we’ll try to time it so we finish schitt’s creek in time for the new year.

22. Did you fall in love in 2020? i re-fell in love with supernatural so that was nice.

23. How many one-night stands? 0. i submit we should randomly change question 23 each year to something more relevant to any of our life experiences.

24. What was your favorite TV program? what did i even watch this year. schitt’s creek. mandalorian. i mean obviously we know supernatural. the circle. are you the one (the queer season). pose. unsolved mysteries. we’re here! perry mason. watchmen. oh maybe that mcdonald’s monopoly fraud documentary. avenue 5. i’ll be gone in the dark. of those i think my favorite maybe is... pose or we’re here.

OKAY UM. on my 2014 version of this there were a bunch of questions about tv shows that i’m putting back in if only for the memories:

25. Which TV shows did you start watching in 2020? the haunting of bly manor, which we still need to finish. derry girls.

26. Which TV shows did you let go of in 2020? HERE’S WHY I WANTED TO RESURRECT THESE. here was my answer in 2015: “supernatural. goodbye, my sweet prince.” CAN YOU EVEN FUCKING BELIEVE

27. Which TV shows did you mean to get into but didn’t in 2020? Why? so far, queen’s gambit and that one on hulu with catherine the great. EVENTUALLY. 28. Which TV shows do you intend on checking out in 2020? fleabag. queen’s gambit. 29. Which TV show do you think you might let go of in 2020 unless things significantly improve? idk i drop things pretty regularly if they don’t entertain me 30. Which TV show impressed you least in 2020? GUYS HERE’S MY ORIGINAL 2015 ANSWER: “supernatural. :(”

anyway back to the rest of the quiz:

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? every person who refuses to listen to facts and information.

26. What was the best book you read? killers of the flower moon: the osage murders and the birth of the fbi, or the his dark materials series.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery? well i knew about tswift so i’m not going to count her albums. i will count this song that jon played for me once in the car that got stuck in my head for two weeks straight and led me down into a great related-songs spotify playlist: through the roof ‘n underground.

28. What did you want and get? a wedding dress and a very specific kind of wedding band. a gay angel. a christmas getaway. animal crossing.

29. What was your favorite film of this year? idk i don’t know how many films i saw this year. maybe mucho mucho amor: the legend of walter mercado

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? i was 32. we went to an escape room with a BUNCH of people -- work bff, my old work bff and his wife (old bc he quit and we’ve fallen out of touch :(), the cool new physics teacher and his fiancee, and the aforementioned trump voter and his wife, before we knew... we went out for brunch/lunch after. it was pretty great!

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? not having to chaperone that school trip in january. dean being bi in english as well as spanish. cas just ilke, appearing in 15x20. not having to physically go back to work this fall.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2020? no! real! pants!

34. What kept you sane? jon. supernatural (in a way?). animal crossing for a while. wellbutrin! i haven’t really been able to detail this yet, but finally i did something about tumblr and my therapist making me think about adhd. my doctor gave me wellbutrin (bc i lack any official diagnosis and was on anxiety meds anyway, and he was like let’s try this!) and it’s fucking. it’s a fucking godsend. surprisingly enough, my students. trying to provide them a safe space has been a calming thing for me.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? jensen ackles’ silence. misha collins again, i guess.

36. What political issue stirred you the most? the summer was so fucking intense. i guess though it was me trying to exert my influence in a responsible way with my students without trying to try to make them feel uncomfortable but then one kid was a vocally upset trump supporter after the election and i had to try to defuse that situation.

37. Who did you miss? my old work bff. several old friends that i’ve fallen out of touch with bc i have no object permanence.

38. Who was the best new person you met? people i met through the spn resurgence!

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2020: if you manifest it in an au, it will come. no really though. maybe that expectations are only as important as i make them out to be.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year: usually i have a hard time coming up with anything for this and i default to looking at my most played songs of the year. my most played song of the year received each and every one of its plays within the month of november and you can guess why. anyway see if this works

I had all and then most of you Some and now none of you Take me back to the night we met I don't know what I'm supposed to do Haunted by the ghost of you Take me back to the night we met - the night we met, lord huron

#happy new year #annual meme

[mego42]

Writer Asks

Tagged by @sothischickshe, @bourbon-ontherocks and @medievalraven who are all v lovely and for reasons unknown to me, want me to ramble about my fic so like, blame them for this I guess

Tagging @fairhairedkings, @riosnecktattoo, @inyoursheets, @foxmagpie, @pynkhues if you feel like it

ao3 name: ms_scarlet (origin story no one asked for: I came up with it for a creative writing class where we had to submit everything under pseudonyms for anonymous full class critique, which was gr9 and not at all traumatic, and I was deeply obsessed with both the Grateful Dead and Sublime versions of Scarlet Begonias at the time)

fandoms: the only fandoms I’ve written fic for are bellarke/t100 and Good Girls (and Buffy but it was way back in the day, pre-organized archives and has been completely lost to time which is For The Best)

number of fics: 14 (lol, 5 over the course 3 years in t100 fandom and 9 since joining the GG fandom at the beginning of s3, you could say I have been inspired)

fic i spent the most time on: a song inside the halls of the dark for sure, it’s the first multi chapter I’ve ever done and I’m far enough into it that I will be super honest, I was extremely dubious over whether or not I’d actually see it through when I started but huzzah! It’s happening. But yeah, I spend like, a lot of time thinking about it, writing it (lmao obvs), rewatching clips of the show to pick apart characterization and mannerisms, etc, etc. I try to work on it in some capacity every day (sometimes that just means outlining or deleting chunks of my outline and crying about how much I hate myself) to keep up momentum so yeah, def that one.

As far as one shots go, there’s blood in my body (I’m holding on) for bellarke, I think I spent a month, maybe 6 weeks working on that

fic i spent the least amount of time on: as the world turns, the blunt burns, I was doing my usual lazy Saturday morning scroll through Tumblr before I got out of bed and saw a post like I want beth and mick to get high together (I would love to give credit but I haven’t the foggiest notion who said it, I wasn’t intending to write it so I didn’t pay too much attention, I’m the worst, I’m sorry) and then some dialogue popped into my head maybe 10 min later and I think I wrote the whole thing in like, 45 min on my phone. Cannot emphasize enough how little I thought about it (or proofed it tbh, yikes, so many typos) before posting

most hits: overall, I’ve Got You Here my t100 post s3, alt s4 thing. For Good Girls, a song inside the halls of the dark

most kudos: overall, there’s blood in my body (I’m holding on) - bellarke modern au. For GG, still song.

most comment threads:  a song inside the halls of the dark by a M I L E (it twice as many as blood, the next highest), the GG fandom is so lovely and supportive and friendly and I love you guys, I really do

most bookmarks: same as kudos, blood overall and then song for GG

highest total word count: lol song is killing it

favorite fic i wrote: oh man, that’s hard. I love them all for different reasons. Blood was my first ever AU (I am a canon/canon-divergent ho) and it also deals with some stuff that’s important to me so that’s always going to have a special place in my heart. I’ve Got You Here was the first time I tried to tackle something bigger than a missing scene or short one-shot so that’s also significant.

I’m really proud of smoke, fire, it’s all going up because I think I did a p good job with the Rio POV there. I’d give her a HA! And a HI-YA! is special bc it’s my first outside POV and it was based on so little info it was basically OC, so that was a fun challenge.

All of that said, obviously, a song inside the halls in the dark is my fav. It’s been the biggest stretch of my skills (I had NO! IDEA! If I could plot and pace on the level required to sustain the fic I’d originally outlined and it’s only grown from there tbh), it’s also been like, the loveliest experience? I keep saying people’s reaction to it has broken my brain and I’m not actually just saying that. I’m deeply overwhelmed. And last but emphatically not least, it’s how I’ve gotten to know @nickmillerscaulk who, on top of being an incredible editor (seriously y’all, she is Skilled, I’ve learned so much from her), is such an awesome, amazing person and I’m so very glad we’ve become friends.

fic i want to rewrite/expand on: Oh man, idk. Pills N Potions is the easiest because it’s a prompt collection! Send me prompts! I can’t promise I’ll write them right away (my ADHD is so very real and only dubiously under my control during quarantine, so I live in constant terror of losing the thread of song especially this close to the end) but I def want to flex my quick and dirty short fic for funsies skills. I’m super looking forward to @goodgirlsficrecs prompt-a-thon.

share a bit of a wip or story idea you’re working on: ahahaha oh man, my google drive is littered with partially drafted or outlined ideas. I have a bunch of missing scene things I started at various points in s3 that are realistically dead in the water.

In terms of WIP/ideas I’m still intending to work on/finish:

A post 311 Rio POV pwp

A fishing/fencing/flute playing fluff for @medievalraven because I keep taunting her with my tags for song

The Good Guys (Rio, JT and Stan) thing that snowballed in a post way back when from @jazillia007, @nickmillerscaulk, and @inyoursheets

I still low-key want to do the transcripts for the Mick, Annie and Ruby group chat. I might save that for whenever I rewatch and have it running concurrently to s3, idk we’ll see

A Jewel Thief AU that I am wildly hyped about. I outlined the first chapter of it around when I started posting song and haven’t let myself do anything with it because I know once I get started I’m going to abandon whatever else I’m working on

More Annie POV, I don’t have any specific ideas, I just really love writing Annie POV

#tag games #my fic

[cardboardboxcomplex]

ok since i’m awake and useless, might as well

it’s 4AM on a monday at this point and i do *not* want to go to work. but i have to hhrghshfd HAAAAAA ok breathe . i skipped last week’s shift that i was supposed to go to the lab. i completely disappeared for the *third* time during my two-week wfh shift before that. when we were supposed to do the third quarter report, and the proposal. which are the hardest reports to do, bc they’ll be the basis for renewal next year. but i just ... disappeared again and did not open my emails or messages. again. after i did that twice before. and i had to go through the process of like apologizing to everyone for my absence, and i even decided to tell everyone that i have depression cos i dont know how to explain it ! why am i like this ! and i know it’s not an excuse, and i told them that too. but i just hate everything . okay i think im getting to word dump now. how many times am i going to be so incapable and incompetent? i hate myself so much cos my brain is so fried and i dont want to deal with anything . when was the last time i actually thought deeply or whatever or like read a journal article. and i dont even know what im supposed to be doing anymore.  i feel so sad. oh im crying ok. like im thinking of myself and how do i go on with life, what am i supposed to be doing, what kind of path should i be making. i hate this because i lost years of my life and i keep losing more time. and omfg right the paper. man i didnt even reply to sir’s emails either, and i know ate yana and josh had talked and i was supposed to be there too because im supposed to be the main one to finish her thesis for publication, and it’s already been a year? since she left the lab. had i done anything? i did not

and tomorrow is nov 10, and im supposed to do thesis updates ......... how the fuck am i gonna do that. and i had already missed the first time i was scheduled, bc well the same thing happening now. i was wfh (supposedly) and ate isay had to say my internet connection isnt stable. which wasnt a lie, but it was bc i didn’t do anything. i dont know what im supposed to come up with tomorrow. or if i can postpone it again. SEE THIS IS EXACTLY IT HOW MANY TIMES AM I GONG TO BE INCAPABLE AND INCOMPETENT

i dont know like im scared of being in the lab too and all i wanna do is stay in my room 

but you know what i dont even like my room. i miss my old room, i miss all my books, i miss all the memories i left there as in the physical things i’ve kept because i keep everything. full on bawling now. i miss having everything i’ve kept near me, with me. i miss my desk, i miss having one. and i hate my room because i haven’t cleaned my room in MONTHS. idk since march, since quarantine started? i can barely see the floor and i have to walk around all the bags with all stuff thrown in them. and honestly im just desensitizing (?) myself bc if i think too much if i look too closely im gonna throw up and i hate it i hate it . on that note i’ve been thinking i might in a constant state of dissociation, or at least a shallow one? i never thought i really dissociated bc i didnt really get the feeling of being apart from your body. but because it’s been going on for so long it didn’t even register to me that i’m dissociating because it feels normal or the baseline. and my memory recall is so bad, i don’t remember what happened the previous day. why? because i’m not even doing anything. or idk. also my attention span is non-existent. but the memory thing bothers me because i dont even know if i remember things from before before, in the past, not recently

before i forgot about the room, i was supposed to have pest control last oct 20? and it was scheduled like first week of october so i knew it was coming. but did i clean my room? in those weeks between? i didnt. i’d been putting it off exactly because my room is a mess and id ont want anyone to come in like this. so i had to postpone that too, and the next one is tomorrow. did i clean my room since then? no. what have i been doing? i dont know either. literally rotting away. and i feel so bad cos i m not even doing anything. i dont even know what. i cant get myself to do anything

what if someone helps me clean? i don’t want anyone to help me clean because i dont want anyone to see my room. ate isay was supposed to help me on that sunday or monday before oct 20 but the plan was i was going to start cleaning saturday so at least if she comes up to help, it wouldnt be so disgusting. but yeah i did not clean. and now it’s november. you know the last time i ironed my clothes? september. last year. september 1, 2019. i remember because that was jungkook’s birthday, but also i was ironing when i got the messages from someone when they were leaving me and didnt want (?) to be friends with me anymore. and that broke me really bad. but not the point rn. 

i dont know what else im thinking. oh i miss my friends. kosestream, if you’re reading this, yes i’m thinking of you too, and i’m really sorry. im so sorry ive kept disappearing on you guys for months. i’ve missed you and so many parts of your life, and im really really i wasnt there. and bc i don’t talk with you often, and with my awful memory, i also forget what’s been going on and it makes me feel awful because like i miss all these things about you? i always thought that i had kept tabs on everyone well, paying attention to what you’re doing, ask how things are with you, and now i dont. and im sorry. i always miss you so much, and i love you, and i dont know if that still means anything to you, but it’s still there. so thank you for inviting me to play among us, i liked hearing your voices. and i know you were worried about me (if im wrong this is embarrassing please ignore this) and were trying to cheer me up / offering your support/presence/love/shoulder/hug idk. so thank you. it meant a lot to me (but im sorry my internet was awful. honestly that stressed me out so much and i was gonna give up because i felt annoying and like a huge bother) but okay thank you 

and it’s the same with irl friends, missing things. i thought of it once as everything passing (by) me. like when neos had left for germany, i wasnt there. why? because i was rotting away at home doing nothing. i didnt even get to say goodbye. and just the same with everyone, i havent been talking with anyone. there are so many messages i’ve gotten i haven’t (didn’t) replied to, and it’s like god how are they. 

what else. ah there’s another thing i’ve thought of. but idk i’ll write that next time 

it’s monday, and it’s almost 5am now, i’m supposed to go to work. i have to text ate isay if she’s gonna pass by and pick me up. but i havent slept because i completely fucked up my sleeping schedule. and my room is still a mess. no i did not even try cleaning it even though i had been thinking about it literally every single day. should i just not sleep or should i try getting like an hour of sleep , and hope i wake up (actually, would love to not wake up, ever)

09 Nov 2020, M, 05:02 BTS – Butterfly (Alternative Mix) 

#white noise #i'll tag idk journal stuff that i guess #cos actually all my thoughts are not in words #until i turn them into words #which has gotten increasingly difficult #long post #idk should i tag that #idk who's actually following this acct #besides kosestream

[golbrocklovely]

so i kinda want to vent rn and also sorta explain why i haven't posted anything in a while.

TLDR at the end. seriously, this is long lol 

also trigger warning: mention of depression and being suicidal

recently, i've been feeling really unloved and unwanted, and it's just taking a lot out of me. first, there is this guy at work (which i vaguely talked about on here). he's one of my managers and he's a year older than me. i've known him for about a year and when i first met him, i was instantly into him. i even planned to ask him out, but then found out that he had a girlfriend that he's had for like almost 10 years or something. so my feelings for him have been there for a while, but they come in ebbs and flows.

this past week he has been really nice to me (i mean he always is), and it hasn't helped my feelings for him. so at one point this week, i walked by him and he gave me this look, which i know... really angelica? a look?, but YES a look. i asked him "what's the look for?" and he just replied "nothing" and for some reason it gave me major butterflies. then like two days later i was staring at something and getting frustrated, and he came over and said "what's up, beautiful?" and omg it killed me. he usually only calls me shorty bc i'm shorter than him, and he usually calls every girl that in the store bc he's a fucking giant lol but yeah.... i think i just feel bad about all of this bc i know that what he's doing is just being friendly and i'm reading it as more bc i like him and i hate it bc every time i see him... i really want to kiss him. and i know i'm just breaking my own heart bc i know he will never see me as that. and i've done this before with other guys, and i'm just really sick of feeling lonely. i'm so inexperienced in relationships and i feel kinda embarrassed about it bc i'm 25 and i should have experienced all of it when i was younger but i didn't.

and then to top all of this off, my best friend has been ignoring me for over a month. and to give you some backstory, we've been friends since we were like freshman-sophomores in hs. we've always been close. we've obviously had our problems, but we've worked thru them... or at least, i thought we did.

so finally, i just decided to text her and ask if i did something wrong and if that's why she's ignoring me. before that, the reason she wasn't talking to me was bc she was sick, so i get not responding to me. also, i know we are both adults with jobs, so talking to each other everyday is just not possible. she's stuck at home working (which i know she hates bc her family is a lot to deal with, especially her dad) and i have to go out into public on an almost daily basis for my retail job. we've never been the type of friends to call or text each other everyday. and as much as i love her, i can't talk to her everyday. i like having my alone time, and she does too.

she finally responded to me and said that 'you text me at my most stressful times' and i basically replied with 'sorry to hear that. i just want to make sure that you're okay, that our friendship is okay'. then she texted me saying 'idk !!! i'm stressed with work and idk where we stand anymore'.

this was extremely confusing to me, bc i didn't think there was any problems with us. sure, we haven't talked as much as before. but firstly, we've never been constant texters and whatnot. also bc of corona, i think we just drifted apart bc it's hard to communicate or even want to communicate. this year is so fucking stressful, i just took the lack of us talking with a grain of salt. also, when quarantine started, me and her talked a bunch. she even asked to call me (which we never really do unless we have a lot that we need to say) and we talked for like 3 hours and it was great. so for her to say this was weird.

i'll sum up the rest of the conversation bc otherwise this post will be 20 pages long. she ended up saying that we've haven't acted like best friends since hs and that we've grown apart and are on different paths in life. i said i don't agree with that and that the distance only started with the pandemic, and that i was hurt by her words bc all of this felt out of place. i then said i still wanted to be her friend bc her friendship means so much to me.

she then replied that she didn't agree bc when were in college i stopped talking to her for a while and then randomly wanted to be her best friend again. she feels as if our friendship has always been about me and one-sided and that she doesn't want that anymore.

this was a problem that i thought we resolved. back when we were juniors in college, i stopped talking to her for a couple months. the reason for that was bc my dad had just gotten over being sick the previous year with cancer, and then my mom had almost died from a heart attack. all of that, combined with my lack of self-esteem and my depression that i had been ignoring for years, i was on the brink of killing myself. i didn't tell her any of this at the time bc i didn't want to tell anyone. i spoke very little of this to anyone, even partially to this day. i kept a lot of it in bc i didn't want her to worry about me, bc she seemed to be having such a good time at college and i didn't want to be the rain on a sunny day.

back then, when we discussed all of this, she told me that it felt like our friendship had become a convenience for me. while i disagreed, i understood that that was how i made her feel and i apologized for it back then.

the thing about my best friend that i've always hated was she takes things i said from years ago that upset her, and waits to say that they did. she has taken things from three years prior and brought them up bc now she feels like it's an okay time to say it. since we've had this conversation about the convenience, i've walked on eggshells around her bc i know certain things would upset her and i don't want to do that, plus i don't want to upset her and be told about it years later and have to apologize for my previous self.

also, as someone who has gone thru a fuckton of shit in life, i realize a lot of things that have pissed me off about her are stupid and not worth it to really hold in and argue over. i let things go as best as i can, but she doesn't. there are many things that have upset me that she has said or done, but i never told her bc i was scared to lose  her friendship and on top of it, they weren’t majorly important

the last two messages i sent to her were this: i stopped talking to you at the time bc my parents were sick and i was suicidal. i didn't talk to you bc i didn't want you to worry about me. i know way before that i wasn't a good communicator in our friendship and i'm sorry about that. but if you have been feeling this way, why didn't you say something about it before? // i'm sorry that i've made you feel like this wasn't/hasn't been a mutual friendship. i've never wanted it all to be about me.

that was last night i sent those. she hasn't responded. i'm gonna give her some time, maybe a couple of days or a week. i want to meet face-to-face and talk this out. i've always felt like we haven't been 100% honest with each other, and i always knew we would have to talk about it at some point, but for her to just so easily trash a 10 year friendship after all of the shit we have gone thru... i'm gutted. i'm extremely heartbroken. i never thought in a million years this would happen. i thought she was gonna be my best friend for life...

so that's why i haven't updated any stories or requests. i've just been in a terrible headspace and kinda at my wits end. yall are really sweet tho, so thank you for not asking why i'm taking forever. i just figured i'd give you an explanation and vent at the same time.

TLDR: i haven't updated any stories bc i have a crush on a guy i shouldn't and my best friend of 10 years has decided to not be my friend anymore instead of working things out. i feel very unloved and unwanted.

#personal #text

[thewonderingsorceress]

Urgent PSA- Threads & Activity

Let’s have a talk about my semester and the next year, because I really need people to hear me and understand wtf is happening. I randomly set this to post so it’s not directed towards everyone. (With everything with RBG I thought it’d be a good time to try and explain what’s been going on with me and how it’s not going to get better until a few months from now.) If you need to contact em please feel free to IM me I am online right now and will be for a while. 

SCHOOL THINGS & Activity

As most of you know I am a ‘grad’ student. As some of you know that field is law, so I am a law student, and this is my last year of school. I was hoping to have some time to go between and gets some replies done during  class like I normally did BUT there’s a few things with that.

First you need to understand I have clinic, which is where I am working as an attorney for the semester to get my experiential credit required to graduate. This requires a minimum of 20 hours a week.  Law school is hard to say the least and I put a lot of time into it, clinic and pandemic learning though are 2 completely different monsters. So for clinic I have been working a 40 hour week PLUS being a full time student because my problem I am working on with my client is “novel and complex” to the clinic aka the clinic has never done anything like this and its super complicated even for my faculty advisor. I am literally in tears most days from the sheer amount of stress and my faculty advisor not wanting to help.

Then with pandemic learning I have teachers who do not want to teach, and are giving us the bulk of the work to teach ourselves and if we can’t we basically fail the class because we can’t answer questions in class (Zoom) because if we can’t answer the questions they will mark us as absent even when we’re not and fail us that way. My 2 credit class it also treating the class like a 4 credit class.

I have to take decent notes because I am working as a note taker for the extra cash.

I also found out I didn’t get the grade I needed for an exam by 2 points and have to retake it late October and study while moving and class things.

Now my school is also talking about being online in spring again, while trying to raise tuition because they are bankrupt. 

I also have to study for the bar this year and idk what my schedule will be like until after that is taken. 

Needless to say I stressed from school alone but there’s more.

Home Life & Moving

TW: abuse & suicidal ideation  in this section skip down to Roleplaying

So as some, though very few may know I live in a very abusive home. It is mostly mental and emotional but recently since the BLM movement becoming more active and the pandemic it’s become more physical because I don’t believe in anything my parents believe, and I am LGBQ+. So I took out money from my school and am moving in the middle of the semester when papers are due, exams are given and right before my retake. My mom is trying to keep my cat at home with her and saying its just as much hers as he is mine- I pay for everything though. So I am worried she’s going to call ASPCA on me bc I am “abusing” the cat by moving him with me.

My family has only gotten worse and I need out I am so gd tired and this quarantine has been for nothing bc people like my mom carry the virus and don’t wear a mas or anything. I have become suicidal over the past few months and struggle to just live every day- obv school has not helped with that.

Political

TW political things

I am in the US and at this point I am pretty positive that Trump is going to win just based off the trial run of McConnel’s voting day and what they are doing to try and suppress votes. This is terrifying for me and my friends for many reason. (and now with RBG gone, RIP, he will take over majority of the supreme court) and my parents literally think he is jesus christ incarnate so I am not safe where I am esp since my parents recently bought guns to “fight against the civil unrest” that’s all I am going to say about this but I am sure ppl understand how that is a lot.

ROLEPLAYING

Now why am I telling you all this when I’d rather yet myself off a roof than say anything.

a)      I still want to rp a lot, but that is very difficult right now. I am trying to save everything but my activity hasn’t been working.

b)     I would like to start some things on discord because that is what works best for me right now so if you’d like please let me know if you’d be willing to be discord things.

c)      There has been some passive aggressive comments about my activity and they aren’t appreciated and makes me want to be on here even less. Just stop. I don’t mind people asking about if I got a thread ( I appreciate it actually) or talking to me about things but when you say things like ‘oh you’ve posted for this person’ or alluded to that or something just stop. I don’t have the ability to be nice about this anymore I’ve gotten in on both of my accounts.

#psa #important #negativity tw #suicidal ideation cw

[syndullastars]

tagged by @brontes thank you !! ♡

on a scale of 1-10, how excited are you about life right now? like a 5.5 maybe

describe yourself in a hashtag? #AHHHHHHHH

if you could do a love scene with anyone, who would it be? does anyone actually like to do love scenes cause it seems like it’d be pretty uncomfortable to me

if your life was a musical, what would the marquee say? rolling with the punches

what’s one thing people don’t know about you? probably that i’m actually a mess hahaha

what’s your wake up ritual? bathroom, brush teeth, wash face, contacts, breakfast and then get dressed

what’s your go to bed ritual? bathroom, brush teeth, contacts out, read until i’m ready to sleep

what’s your favorite time of day? depends on the season, but since we’re coming up on summer i’ll go with that twilight time of the evening between like 7 and 9 when the sun is setting and you can hear all the crickets and other insects singing and everything seems blanketed in this otherworldly glow

your go to for having a good laugh? old messages/videos/photos, cracky memes and shitposts

dream country to visit? new zealand

what’s the biggest surprise you’ve ever had? my parents surprised us with a trip to disney once! my sister and i literally cried lmao

heels or flats/sneakers? sneakers

vintage or new? depends, but usually new

who do you want to write your obituary? whoever wants to i guess

style icon? padme amidala (yes a fictional character)

what are three things you cannot live without? family, friends, and good stories

what’s one ingredient you put in everything? i use red pepper a lot, but not in everything. so probably too much salt

what 3 people living or dead would you want to make dinner for? my best friend, my sister, my mom

what’s your biggest fear in life? failing / not living up to my family’s expectations of me

window or aisle seat? window, but only if i know the people next to me. i get up way too many times to bother them if i don’t lol

what’s your current tv obsession? the clone wars :(

favorite app? apple music or messages, bc those are the ones i use most

secret talent? all my talents have long been put on display and used to give me stress lol

most adventurous thing you’ve ever done in your life? moving across the country for school probably

how would you define yourself in three words? perceptive, self-aware, empathetic

favorite piece of clothing you own? maybe my fila disruptors? basic i know but they're very stompy

a must have clothing item that everyone should have? a nice pair of jeans i think

a superpower you would want? telepathy

what’s inspiring you in life right now? art and the people who make it

best piece of advice you’ve received? forgive and let go (but don’t forget)

best advice you’d give your teenage self? stop worrying so much about being well-behaved and fight back. tell people what you think even if they don’t want to hear it

a book everyone should read? everyone has different values and interests so i don’t think i can recommend one book that everyone should read

what would you like to be remembered for? being a good friend

how do you define beauty? beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so it’s whatever i think is beautiful, and also whatever anyone else thinks is beautiful

what do you love most about your body? if we’re talking about features then my eyes, but overall i’ve worked hard to get strong and i love how effortless everything feels now

best way to take a rest/decompress? lounging around and watching something, maybe with friends depending on my mood

favorite place to view art? i guess it depends on what type of art

if your life was a song, what would the title be? keep on

if you could master one instrument, what would it be? piano or saxophone

if you had a tattoo, where would it be? it would be small, just under my hairline on the back of my neck. but i would never get a tattoo anyway

dolphins or koalas? dolphins !!

what’s your spirit animal? i don’t think so

best gift you’ve ever received? probably books that i asked for

best gift you’ve given? i design a themed calendar for my best friend every year and she always really loves that, but also i did something very elaborate for my sister last christmas and she was laughing about it for weeks. the pieces are still arranged in a shrine in her room lol

what’s your favorite board game? clue, or trivial pursuit but only if it has a fun theme

what’s your favorite color? all of them!

least favorite color? there are no bad colors

diamond or pearls? pearls

drugstore makeup or designer? you could hand me one of each and i wouldn’t even know the difference

pilates or yoga? i’ve never done either so idk

coffee or tea? coffee but i like both

what’s the weirdest word in the english language? discombobulate, canoodle, phlegm

dark chocolate or milk chocolate? dark for sure

stairs or elevators? stairs, i hate elevators

summer or winter? both

you are stuck on an island, you can pick one food to eat forever without getting tired of it, what would you eat? just the thought of that makes me tired of every single food in existence lol

a dessert you don’t like? anything fancy

a skill you’re working on mastering? life drawing and general storyboarding stuff, for school and career purposes

best thing to happen to you today? the clone wars finale :((((

worst thing to happen to you today? also the clone wars finale :((((

best compliment you’ve ever received? a few of my friends have told me that i always know exactly what to say, and that makes me happy bc i try very hard to understand them and be what they need so i’m glad it pays off

favorite smell? pine trees and snow on the air, but also sunscreen and the sea

hugs or kisses? hugs

if you made a documentary, what would it be about? honestly it would be about star wars, but specifically george lucas and his vision and how the unique position the franchise is in, where multiple authors and creators are contributing to it at any given time + the disney rebranding + the fact that star wars fans have always seemed to adamantly want to discard lucas’ original intent has led to the way fan circles view star wars now and how wildly different those views can be from what lucas intended

last piece of content you consumed that made you cry? the clone wars finale lol

lipstick or lipgloss? lipgloss

sweet or savory? savory

girl crush? natalie portman

how do you know you’re in love? i’ve only been in love once and it was a very fledgling thing but it was like, they’re always on your mind, seeing them is simultaneously like there’s no ground under your feet and also like there’s no oxygen in the room, and being with them makes you insane just the same as not being with them makes you insane

a song you can listen to on repeat? right now, youth by glass animals, but it always changes

if you could switch lives with someone for a day, who would it be? definitely no one! my life is like a well organized library (even if maybe some books are missing or damaged lol) and i would hate to be dropped into an unsorted pile of books and have to organize all over again

what are you most excited for/about this time in your life? well real life is kind of on hold but my cousins and i just merged our quarantine circles which is a lot of fun so there’s that lol

this is long so i’ll just tag a few: @yensofrivia @daenerystargaryes @elizabethswcnn @kristnbell ( feel free to ignore ofc ♡ )

#tag games #about me

[carolinesbookworld]

tagged by @kabeswaters and @swellwriting <3

on a scale of 1-10, how excited are you about life right now? 0

describe yourself in a hashtag? very similar to @fortisfiliae #stressedanddepressed

if you could do a love scene with anyone, who would it be? Harrison Osterfield

if your life was a musical, what would the marquee say? prepare for disaster

what’s one thing people don’t know about you? um...idk my boyfriend knows basically everything about me sooooooo

what’s your wake up ritual? wake up, turn off alarm (bc with this at-home learning stuff i’ve been waking up like literally 1 min before my alarm goes off???), text good morning to my bf, snapchat, discord bc moonlit fam talks allll night, tumblr, get out of bed, wash face, get dressed, coffee and breakfast it’s very specific

what’s your go to bed ritual? wash glasses and face bc my skin is soo oily by the end of the day so you best believe my glasses be needing washing everyday, shower, say goodnight to fam, text bf for like 15 mins or until he says goodnight, turn alarm on, plug in phone, go to sleep

what’s your favorite time of day? morning but specifically from 7:30 until 9  

your go to for having a good laugh? FRIENDS as in the show

dream country to visit? Australia bc my dad once got to hold a baby koala there and i wanna do that so bad

what’s the biggest surprise you’ve ever had? so my family moved before my sophomore year so me and my bff started trying to surprise each other whenever one of us came to visit and the weekend of my birthday, she skypes me as she’s walking around what i thought was her house and then i start hearing an echo and next thing i know she’s standing in the doorway of my room and that was pretty much the best surprise ever

heels or flats/sneakers? sneakers converse

vintage or new? new but i love vintage aesthetic i just couldn’t live with it

who do you want to write your obituary? karli @swellwriting bc she is my brain twin and i would be mocking her horrible grammar and spelling from my grave and we would both get a good laugh about it in the afterlife

style icon? the mom i babysit for haha she’s like one of my best friends tho which sounds really weird but it’s true

what are three things you cannot live without? books, dogs, days that are exactly 65 degrees

what’s one ingredient you put in everything? um idk chocolate??

what 3 people living or dead would you want to make dinner for? Sarah J. Maas, Eddie Redmayne, my boyfriend bc i haven’t had dinner with him for 47 days

what’s your biggest fear in life? losing the people i love...and spiders

window or aisle seat? window bc aisle makes me anxious that i’m in people’s way

what’s your current tv obsession? the cw’s nancy drew it’s so good please go watch it

favorite app? instagram, discord, or tumblr, depends on my mood

secret talent? um idk i can draw very realistic portraits of people when i take the time to

most adventurous thing you’ve ever done in your life? okay so technically this wasn’t me who did it but i was part of the adventure. when me and my boyfriend were just “friends” ie. liked each other and knew we liked each other but were too scared to admit it. anyway, we had this elaborate plan to shave our youth group leader’s head if we were able to bring in a certain amount of food for the food drive during vbs week. so yeah we spent like three days planning the whole thing out and then decided to go price shopping at walmart with all of our younger siblings bc we needed supervision or something lol to see how many individual things of food we could buy with $20 each we ended up just getting like 20 huge boxes of ramen and then his sister ended up throwing up so we took her home and then went back to church where my car was parked but instead of turning to get to church my boyfriend decides to go straight through the stop light (it was green okay) and spontaneously drive up into the foothills. well we get to the top of the foothills and we’re at the lake and we all get out to look at the city and my boyfriend claims that we need to document this moment so he takes a selfie with all of us and we somehow ended up right next to each other in it and i only found this out like three months ago (this happened back in june) that he only took the picture because he wanted one of us together in case we didn’t start dating lol so sweet and yeah, that was a very long story but i needed context instead of just saying “yeah we drove up a mountain”

how would you define yourself in three words? loyal, anxious, passionate

favorite piece of clothing you own? this dark coral dress that makes my eyes and hair look really pretty

a must have clothing item that everyone should have? a hoodie

a superpower you would want? i want to be able to project my thoughts into someone else’s mind bc i’m so bad at explaining stuff sometimes especially when it comes to how i feel

what’s inspiring you in life right now? ACOTAR series by Sarah J. Maas, highly recommend

best piece of advice you’ve received? opening up to more than one person is important because if you lose that person then you’ve lost all your support

best advice you’d give your teenage self? the friends who have stuck around this long are the ones you want to hang onto and the ones that you need are the ones you don’t always see

a book everyone should read? The Book Thief by Markus Zusak

what would you like to be remembered for? being a crazy dog mama

how do you define beauty? confidence in yourself and not caring what others think about you

what do you love most about your body? my metabolism

best way to take a rest/decompress? open a window to feel the breeze and listen to Islands by Hey Ocean! which is so calming to me

favorite place to view art? nature or tumblr

if your life was a song, what would the title be? we’re going with a fob/p!atd theme here and calling it “depression screwed me over so i screwed it back and ended up worse off”

if you could master one instrument, what would it be? piano

if you had a tattoo, where would it be? probably on my forearm or by my left hip

dolphins or koalas? koalas did i mention that i want to hold a baby koala

what’s an animal that represents you? great dane puppy ie. very excitable but will also take a four hour nap when tired

best gift you’ve ever received? my best friend made this photo collage for me when i moved that is hanging in my room and it has a bunch of pictures of me and her over the years and i just love it

best gift you’ve given? for christmas i gave my boyfriend a hammock and the bookshelf addition of clue, two things he had no idea i would remember him mentioning and his face was priceless. also i made my mom a cake for her birthday this year and she was so happy and said it made her feel very special <3

what’s your favorite board game? clue or ticket to ride (specifically nordic countries)

what’s your favorite color? currently a pale turquoise

least favorite color? any shade of light brown

diamond or pearls? diamonds

drugstore makeup or designer? drugstore bc i don’t wear makeup enough to validate buying designer, also i don’t really care

pilates or yoga? yoga

coffee or tea? coffee coffee coffee coffee coffee coffee coffee coffee cof-

what’s the weirdest word in the english language? palindrome is wild because it means a word spelled the same way forwards and backwards but it itself is not one such word

dark chocolate or milk chocolate? milk

stairs or elevators? stairs

summer or winter? summer but like, only june

you are stuck on an island, you can pick one food to eat forever without getting tired of it, what would you eat? panera mac n cheese

a dessert you don’t like? red velvet cake which btw is not red-colored chocolate cake as many would have you believe

a skill you’re working on mastering? writing

best thing to happen to you today? i got to put all of my new plants in my windowsill and i named one of them (its name is albert in case you were wondering)

worst thing to happen to you today? idk today’s been pretty good as far as quarantine goes

best compliment you’ve ever received? my boyfriend calls me beautiful all the time and he always reminds me that that is describing looks and personality

favorite smell? coffee or my boyfriend’s sweatshirt for the week after i steal it

hugs or kisses? can i choose both?? depends on my mood mostly but i guess hugs if i just had to pick one

if you made a documentary, would it be about? literally anything relating to the mcu

last piece of content you consumed that made you cry? a court of wings and ruin by sjm

lipstick or lipgloss? lipstick

sweet or savory? sweet

girl crush? literally any female in the teen wolf cast

how do you know you’re in love? hahahaha haha what's love

a song you can listen to on repeat? we fall apart by we as human or uma thurman by fob

if you could switch lives with someone for a day, who would it be? idk my boyfriend probably, this is something we have discussed in depth

what are you most excited for/about this time in your life? for life to go back to normal

tagging @finnofamerica @woakiees @beskarjedi @outerlacy @swanimagines hahahahaha have funnnnn this took me an hour to answer

#about me #tag game

[coolguycoconutchutney]

shrub @meethapaan tagged me in this quarantine 10 song 10 question thing and I can’t sleep so I’ll do it bc I can

10 quarantine songs (this is just going to be randomly pulled from my April 2020 playlist (yes I’m aware it’s not April yet I usually start the next months playlist a few days early so I don’t add a new song to a current months playlist and miss out on it I just overestimated how much of March had passed and I accidentally started it on like the 14th but whatever))

1. Manners - Ashnikko

2. sriracha- bbno$

3. The Blinding ft Travis Scott - Jay Electronica

4. White Ferrari - Frank Ocean

5. Franklin the Flirt - Porches

6. Paper Bag - Miss Fiona Apple

7. Kerosene! - Yves Tumor

8. Hit My Phone ft Kehlani - Megan Thee Stallion

9. Let’s Pretend - Del Water Gap

10. Stressed - UPSAHL

Okay question time

Are you staying home from work/school?

Technically I’m between school and work rn so no but I am staying home.

If you’re staying home, who is with you? 

My parents and my thoughts

Who would be your ideal quarantine mate?

My fwiends or at least maybe someone my age it would be nice to have conversation with someone my age and I’m really bad at initiating phone calls so I don’t ever bother calling my friends rn

Are you a homebody?

This is a good question. The first couple months of this year yes because I was trapped in a cycle of not going anywhere so I can work on my senior project and then I don’t do my senior project so I just sat at home not getting anything done. But like ideally, I like being out and about and seeing things I just (im so sorry) hate the mall so much and window shopping but I just want to sit around and hang out w my friends and do stuff like watch bad media and so ouid oeffects and play games and I also really want to go to the club and be a th*t

An event you were looking forward to that got canceled?

Hee hee hoo hoo a good question. Well. Starting my JOB and MOVING OUT for one. Well. I honestly don’t know the state of my job rn. Because I emailed the recruiter last week and when I looked her up on LinkedIn today she doesn’t even work there anymore and no one told me and so I emailed their offer ops directly today and I’m waiting to hear back from them and I haven’t really heard much from them so I’m so excited for them to say oh haha you were never actually hired actually Hee hee hoo hoo. Also idk if I would have been gone by then but the gayng had tickets to 100 gecs. Also tinos birthday. I just miss my friends dog. Also I was going to meet up w this nice man and watch train to busan. He asked me to go on a run w him yesterday and it would have been fun but you know social distancing :/

What movies have you watched recently?

I have like 0 energy to watch any movies. I like movies and like thinking about them and stuff but I just have 0 available emotional energy to watch them. But I think I last watched he’s just not that into you. And I think the jumanji movies on the plane. And I saw this Malalayalam movie in theaters called varane avashyamund, which pleasantly surprised me in terms of how malayalam movies go.

What shows are you watching?

Nothing really, Tiger King and bits and pieces of Family Karma when my mom watches it. I rewatched season 2 of American Vandal last week it’s a shame it got cancelled it was a genuinely good show, shout out Italian king jaboukie for writing on it

What music are you listening to?

God I don’t really listen to a lot of music rn idk why but a lot of Fiona Apple and Ashnikko. Also I put tik tok songs on my running playlist so that.

What are you reading? 

I just finished 1Q84 and Into the Dreamhouse, and I’m looking for something new to start so if anyone has recs hmu pleaseeeee I think I should start Interpretor of Maladies wams recommended to me in December. Someone also recommended Acheron to me.

What are you doing for self-care? 

Uhhh I’ve been drawing a lot, I’m pretty shit ngl but I’m just practicing to you know, not be shit. I’m actually making terrible 1Q84 fan art rn kms. I’ve also been going on my daily state sanctioned runs and doing my home workouts (shout out miss chloe ting) and jumproping. I’ve been talking to my friends when I can remember. I think I’m going to start this udemy class I got on sale a month ago on front end development so my brain doesn’t completely dissolve

Uhhhh I really dont give a shit if you do it or not I did this because I have insomnia but uhh do this if you want

@cherrybutchh @pocketful-of-mumbles (wams i don’t know why I tag you in things i know you don’t do them I get it but why do I tag u) @queer-assthetic @swiing-tree @scramblelikeanegg @cigaretteinthemouth (hi we never talked before but I see ur @ in my notifications and we’re mutuals so hi if you don’t want to do this it’s really fine)

[seasirpent]

What we are doing w our life rn and our longer term goals: - transferred unis (again ^^’) but now in my LAST year! like ??? didn’t think it would ever happen. We decided to finish a degree in arabic bc that’s what we were closest to being done in. Taking an arabic linguistics class and public speaking class this summer. So far i hate it a LOT less than my last classes bc they’re not asking me to do a bunch of dumb, essentially, busy work. It’s only week 1 of 5, but i’m pacing things out well so far and actually putting at least a lil time in everyday - working on a tefl certificate which funny enough is by my old uni, but on a different platform - if we finish this soon, we can actually start getting practice teaching/tutoring english online - trying to learn korean, but that’s been going REALLY slow. i keep relearning the same things, bc im just struggling w the memorization for whatever reason - planning to move to korea for at least a year or two by the latest next fall, if my mum allows it (in that she can take care of herself enough) the earliest will be after the new year - Only way korea plans will be postponed is if i get accepted for one of those travel scholarship programs after i graduate (which are things we’re trying to start applying for this summer/fall) Trying to get healthier/take better care of ourself, bc we gained weight during  this quarantine deal and are having a lot of trouble losing it - on the trying to move by the new year, we need to figure out how to mail stuff more affordably so we can start selling our stuff idk, life is going

#personal

[fallingfromdepression]

2/25/2021

it is with a heavy heart that i fucking announce that i legit may be getting the lowest grades i’ll ever get in grad school and since quarantine started this quarter.

i have 3 courses this quarter: a practicuum and 2 regular courses, and bro i am doing so bad in those 2 courses. i just checked my pset and exam grades for course 1, and bro. the website shows the grade distribution and i am consistently on the lower range, if not the lowest score (the average grade for the first pset was 95. my score was 66. i’m p sure /i/ was the only one who brought the range down that low). course 2 has a participation grade and i legit have not spoken up in the public class once the entire quarter so far, and the rest of the quarter will be us working on our group project individually. i mean i’ll try to speak up in the last class session but idk what to ask or say during the guest speaker.

the practicuum class is also lol, today we were sort of reviewing the quarter and they were like ‘oh haha we’ve all individually worked so hard on this project’ and i’m like lmao i did so much less work compared to everyone else ... i mean i did do some work but i feel like everyone else def pulled their weight.

anyway i have two assignments due on saturday and monday and i have not started either of them despite doing very badly in my 2 regular courses. someone in my practicuum group was like ‘yeah i haven’t started the assignment’ but she’s been doing the most work out of everyone in the group and ik she has shit to do outside of school too. i don’t even have any excuse for why i haven’t been putting work into my classes, i haven’t done much on the job search for post-grad nor have i sent that email to my professional mentor that i was supposed to send last week -- we were supposed to have our monthly meeting but i deadass just never scheduled it.

putting the rest of this post under a cut bc i’m kind of ashamed of what i’ll discuss next and don’t want it just out very publicly and easy for consumption (you gotta click to read my shame)

what have i been doing the last few months ... i’ve legit done nothing towards investing in my future. i’ve just been focused on drawing fandom stuff and scrolling mindlessly through social media. which isn’t shit i should be investing as significant time as i have into at my age and at this point in my life. i’m going to be entering my final quarter of grad school and schooling in general and i feel like i just got worse. i feel like i can’t even blame it on being at home and with fam when i’d prefer to be alone, bc i was also like this when i was living alone last year -- procrastinating like hell but at least distracted by having to physically go places and shit.

i have no motivation to do well in my classes or invest in my future. i think it’s partially bc i’ve managed to get through grad school and the last 2 yrs without any major failure or consequence which is a bad mindset to have, to just live life knowing that i can scrape by. i’m not even excelling without brain power, i’m legit just managing to crawl weakly across the finish lines in a much less efficient way than everyone else.

i feel like at this point i’m just waiting for school to be over and to enter adult life but there won’t be any adult life to enter if i don’t invest time into job search and app right now, and improving my grades and gpa. i only have one quarter left, so it’s basically impossible to salvage everything but i suppose i should at least make an attempt to do well so at least i can finish in a satisfactory way.

i mean i should also make attempts to finish out this quarter with more effort now that i am consciously aware of how shitty of a situation i’m in... man just thinking abt all the work i need to do i.e. cramming learning all this shit i should have learned/known into the next few weeks ... i seriously need to begin weaning myself off of twitter and fandom and etc bc at this point it is seriously wrecking my productivity and life ... i have done it before (not permanently but def for a sizable period of time) so i know i can do it ... my immediate thought of doing that was “well what am i going to do with my time then” and to that i respond “FUCKING WORK THEN ??? INVESTMENT IN YOUR ACTUAL LIFE AND FUTURE?”

i’ve been considering a side hustle of art but i need to invest in my main hustle first. and also i need to develop a healthier relationship with social media and also improve my mental health before i invest more in my art. man i really need to set my life priorities and forget everything else for now. i feel like every few months i go through this same epiphany of how deep of a hole i’ve dug myself into and resolve to start climbing up but i never really do it. but actual, post-schooling life is starting to knock at the door and i can’t push it off this time

#diary #school 2021

[nothingpersonalhere]

I miss my dog so much, like he's my baby mine i wanted to give him the world and he was sososo cute and fluffy and derpy and deserved all the love in the world and forgave me and loved me so hard and I miss him everyday all the time, his videos bring a comfort but also a pang of grief. My mom wants another dog and things are just moving on but I wanted to live with him till he was old and for him to travel a bit and smell the world and he was such a traumatized dog, he was fearful and a bit toxic but not unlovable. He had so much of me in him, and he left so silently and bravely to his cancer. I grew to love him so hard over quarantine and im at least glad that he went having spent everyday with us for the past couple months. He went with me trying to give him the best life possible and I dont regret one day that I spoiled him with extra food or extra attention.

I was talking to my boyfriend about how i was upset that my mom wanted to get a purebred dog bc 1) buying purebreds is just weird and 2) its only been a little over 2 months since our dog past and i just find it sus at how fast she is to move on and he was like wow thats rude my dogs a purebred and I was like well you got him when you were 12, you didn't know any better, and he's like well yeah I did and I was like okay?? Anyway, my moms moving too fast for me, and he has the audacity to say well its not like he was a human its not that bad, and i was like ???????????? Excuse me???? You saw how hurt I was and how hurt I still am and you know how much i loved him how dare you???? So I got up and started crying in the kitchen and then went to blow my nose and I came back and he was crying and he's like sorry I've just been too rude lately like im hurting and idk if thats a real apology to me but I genuinely wanted to help him bc hes been v insensitive lately and I want to make him more sensitive so I was trying to guide him through his emotions but I also think I did that to avoid talking about me and actually facing that he was so mean to me? Anyway, he ended up crying and I was the one who ended up saying spry alot more than he did and he's like wow youre so amazing and understanding and yes ! Thank you, I do try, but I forgot if he ever gave me a real apology other than the one he gave to make me not mad at him.

Im forgetting a lot lately too. Idk man. Last week, I felt on the up and up and i felt glorious and like I was building myself up (which I was) but I completely forgot how broken I still am and how there's still work that needs to be done. I want help. I want it so bad but I'm scared that by the time I get it it'll be too late. In the sense of ive brushed it way under the rug again and forgotten about it, or in the sense where I dont want help anymore and I give in to my sad and hopelessness.

Im not gonna let that happen. I need to see that lady I saw a while ago. I need to get these things out. I love myself too much to not help bring myself up.

[minw]

Tagged by @snufkim​ thanks for tagging! i’m gonna try to actually finish this one...

RULES: Complete the survey and say who tagged you in the beginning. When you are finished tag people to do this survey. Have fun and enjoy!

1: ARE YOU NAMED AFTER SOMEONE? my parents wanted a name for me that wasn’t already in either family. they found(?) one in their book case. so i’m sort of named after an art historian and a ballerina. really they just wanted something old and not popular at the moment.

2: WHEN IS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? a few days ago :| i cry a lot i guess. 

3: DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? i think it’s readable? not too bad? sometimes quite pretty?

4: WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? i don’t eat meat. not for lunch, not for dinner, not ever. 

5: DO YOU HAVE KIDS? i wish i have two dogs 

6: IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? would i be friends with a person who is the actual worst at messaging back and can easily go without talking to someone for weeks? idek why some of you are still friends with me :|

7: DO YOU USE SARCASM? i was gonna say yes but. maybe less recently... 

8: DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? yup. i had a doctors appointment recently where a doctor asked me “and your tonsils have been removed, yes?” and i said no and they looked very puzzled. i felt like i’d done something wrong. 

9: WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? ahahahaha noooooo. i went to a bird watching tower recently. which is like what. 5 meters tall? and almost cried. 

10: WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE KIND OF CEREAL? i don’t have a favourite. haven’t eaten any cereal in years actually. 

11: DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? if i’ve tied them on very tight, i have to. if i don’t have to, i try to just step out of them. sometimes it is a struggle. 

12: DO YOU THINK YOU’RE A STRONG PERSON? in some ways yes. very strong. i can pick up my 18kg dog ok. 

13: WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR? there’s one i like that’s mango and melon flavour. i just like all the natural tastes. 

14: WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? “ahaa, a human.” idk. 

15: RED OR PINK? pinkeu pinkeu!

16: WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE PHYSICAL THING YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF? objectively my arthritis?

17: WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING NOW? black leggings, yellowish beige puppy slippers 

18: WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? dinner: cherry tomatoes, baby spinach, couscous,  zucchini, etc. it was delicious. i’m getting chocolate now tho... 

19: WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? the sounds on the tv, the buzzing of the fridge, my dog snoring. nct dream’s my first and last playing in my head. 

20: IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? a soft, lighter blue 

21: FAVORITE SMELL? sheep on a rainy day

22: WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU SPOKE TO ON THE PHONE? my mum

23: FAVORITE SPORT TO WATCH? football. also my dogs’ favourite. lots of people running around on a green background. with a BALL. 

24: HAIR COLOR? green

25: EYE COLOR? grey

26: DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? i only have glasses.

27: FAVORITE FOOD TO EAT? fresh fruit! 

28: SCARY MOVIES OR COMEDY? fkhgdfh comedy

29: LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? *thinks* i watched the mummy movies with @strigoiaca​ recently... have i really not seen any other movies after that, hmm.

30: WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? white

31: SUMMER OR WINTER? SUMMER

32: HUGS OR KISSES? i haven’t been hugged or kissed in a long time so DOES IT EVEN MATTER

33: WHAT BOOK ARE YOU CURRENTLY READING?  i’m still in a reading slump so i’m not even gonna pretend i’m in the middle of a book (i was reading laini taylor’s daughter of smoke and bone series before. i’ve read them before. great books.) 

34: WHO DO YOU MISS RIGHT NOW? the favourite smell question made me think about my grandpa. sheep, wool sweater, hay, beeswax and woodworks. 

35: WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? i don’t even have one. how disappointing. 

36: WHAT IS THE LAST TV PROGRAM YOU WATCHED? wallander is on tv right now.  before that i watched the first semifinal of the show that’s choosing our next eurovision song! yes. eurovision is close *u*

37: WHAT IS THE BEST SOUND? my dog misha breathing/snoring. when i hear her breathing at night i just know. all is well. 

38: ROLLING STONES OR THE BEATLES? *laughs* can i just say that i too like beetles more :’D

39: WHAT IS THE FURTHEST YOU HAVE EVER TRAVELED? to south korea. 

40: DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? lately when i go to my grandmother’s house, there’s a jigsaw puzzle on the table and i am Quite Good at jigsaw puzzles ;D so i always leave the table after solving a good portion saying “my one special talent!” and no one has argued with me yet. so that must be it. 

41: WHERE WERE YOU BORN? in a hospital in the city i live in. in quarantine! bc my mum had had chickenpox just before that time and she was still covered in little green dots. 

42: PEOPLE YOU EXPECT INVITE TO PARTICIPATE IN THIS SURVEY? @leoskitty @strigoiaca @vitaminwoo @taeminnomuyeppeo if you want to? 

#success #i feel very proud of myself right now

[cantskank]

so i just talked to my mom!  and it was a FUCKING mess!

like.  i never want to talk about what’s going on with work stuff cause tbh right now i’m fucking miserable and i actually hate what i’m doing but idk if it’s just covid-related stuff blocking me or if i should actually just give up.

anyway i told her i didn’t wanna talk about it today (we talk at least once a week and i always give a brief answer on what’s going on with stuff) and it turned into like a whole thing where to her i’m like withholding and trying to not have a close relationship with her.

which maybe it’s a little correct?  but at least part of the reason i keep myself emotionally a bit distant from her is that i don’t trust her to react well to me.  like if i were to tell her the truth (like, ‘oh x is not going well for me’) she would pick me apart?  which she already started doing once i told her i didn’t want to talk about work

anyway it devolved a bit into talking about how she doesn’t want to talk about the things i care about either which she like totally didn’t understand (lots of ‘oh but that’s just how i am’ I KNOW THAT’S HOW YOU ARE BUT I AM MY OWN PERSON AND REACT IN DIFFERENT WAYS TO THINGS TOO)

then it became ‘oh well i guess you don’t want to have the sort of closeness with me that i have with my mother’ which like.  fine.  if you want to be that reductionist sure.  i was trying to explain how i’ve never felt understood in the family and i’ve learned to accept that sometimes (all the time) i don’t get to talk about what i care about with anyone and it’s not somehow different when it’s you talking about feelings but okay be very accusatory and turn me into the awful person for things

like maybe the reason i don’t share feelings with you is because you do this to me

and it’s like, from my perspective i always play by your rules at least a little bit.  like i kinda knew it might not end well but i set a boundary and that was Not Acceptable.  (i pointed this out to her but it was totally disregarded and ‘no i’m right because you never talk to me anyways’, i guess having a boundary means less if i’ve previously been reluctant to talk about something before.) 

AND the whole thing was also brought about kinda because she asked if i was considering dropping my phd and i basically answered ‘maybe but i’m not looking to make any changes right now’.  and despite her past reassurances of ‘oh if it’s not working out it’s fine, we’ll always support you, blah blah blah’ of course that did not go over well, it became ‘well why has it taken so long for you to write, why aren’t you updating me, etc etc’.  and when i expressed my discomfort/frustration at that attitude that was when it really blew up

like um.  maybe me sharing that is proving the point that you’re not someone i can trust??? 

like i know that i tend to set very particular expectations for how people treat me in friendships (and i can think of some moments in my childhood that come from her that might have caused that mindset in me) but like. that’s my safety mechanism!!  i’m sorry that i’m someone who would rather be alone than have a friend that didn’t treat me the way i wanted and really deeply care about them while being treated like shit

anyway then my dad came to see what was going on and like. i get on naturally with my dad much better than with my mom probably.  like we have similar personalities (except he like. works very hard and i am lazy as fuck) and we have similar music tastes (and have gone to shows together) and are both much more chill.  and a big difference between him and my mom is that he actually listens and pays attention to what i say (although having him around/getting his attention is much more difficult). 

so he comes in and takes the phone and tries to talk to me.  he has no clue what’s going on and i don’t want to explain the situation with my mom right there in case i say something she doesn’t like and it re-sparks the argument.  also i’m crying (and i never cry in front of anyone if i can help it) so i don’t even really want to try speaking.  so he guesses that i’m upset because i’m stressed, and it’s not untrue (though absolutely not the main reason at the moment), since stress is why i didn’t want to talk about stuff at the beginning.  so he starts trying to give advice like get out of my apartment more (which i’ve actually been like doing the last few days so i haven’t been doing so badly on that front) which i appreciated!  it was just challenging to have my mom right there and not even feel like i could get comforted by my dad?  or get comforted about the right thing?

like she’s super sensitive about not being favorite i think- which like i know i’m not either of my parents’ favorite, so it feels kinda hypocritical; i’ve gotten used to it and never complained, so like why does she get to make it a big deal?- and if i’m honest i do prefer talking to my dad.  which like she’s winning anyways, bc dad’s around less and so i talk to her more anyways. 

anyway, what i’m saying is i can’t get comforted by my dad because i can’t explain the full situation without her saying ‘oh so you’ll talk to dad?  you clearly don’t care about me‘ and it’s just like!!  i should get to receive comfort without you making it about yourself!  literally all i’m doing wrong is disagreeing with you and i’m still trying to care about your feelings

idk that’s basically it.  she’s pissed since i don’t care enough to tell her how i feel about work and i just want to like be my own person (

oh yeah and also there was stuff in there about ‘i’m just concerned with how you’re struggling in quarantine, you should maybe See Someone’ meaning therapy and i undoubtedly need therapy but 1 i’ve been waiting until i’m off my parent’s health insurance so she won’t know (like idk how it works anyway but i’m never telling her if i go to therapy so i’m just waiting until then) and 2 everyone’s struggling right now and 3 IT’S A SHITTY FUCKING MOVE TO TELL SOMEONE THEY SHOULD GET THERAPY IN RESPONSE TO THEM TELLING YOU THEY THINK THEY MIGHT BE CONSIDERING QUITTING THEIR JOB.  like if you were ~~sooooOOOOoo concerned~~ why haven’t you floated this by months ago?  only now you bring it up?  when i’m not behaving the way you want/expect?  therapy for me to get me back to feeling the ‘right’ emotions??  she’s told me i should maybe go to therapy before although in that case it was sending me to therapy and i was 14 or 15 and struggling with having moved.  like she’s only brought it up twice and those were when i wasn’t ‘behaving’ myself as expected.  therapy is not something you like threaten/bring in to ‘correct’ when someone is feeling a way you don’t think they should be.  like if you’re really thinking i should go to therapy then you should be suggesting it out of support?  when you feel like you really understand how i’m feeling/what i’m going through?  and not as something to bring me back into line.

anyway then she texted and basically said ‘sorry and i guess i’ll stop trying to be (part of) your support network, i’ll assume you’ve got other people looking out for you’ which like...? what?  okay?  like even as a teen i was having to be the more mature one and this is another passive-aggressive thing i have to deal with.  and in the past i might have apologized?  but nowadays my tolerance for that bullshit is extremely low.  so i just said ‘not what i was going for but you do you’ essentially and she texted back ‘what were you going for’ and i haven’t responded yet.  i will presumably but probably not tonight, i cannot deal.  i don’t even know where to start with that, she just really does not get it.  and i thought i could almost make her get it today by explaining my perspective but all she wants to think about is herself and her perspective and how she’s right. 

so basically i’m very done with things tonight.  and i’ve cried a couple times since because i’m just feeling very shitty about everything.  here’s hoping tomorrow is better.