#or maybe writing a realistic si lol idk

[vermillioncrown]

i just reread the dbd loveshack tag, and with the ot3 posts and more recent zl/zyx ones, i can’t wait for the four of them to meet all at once, it’ll be wild flailing on all sides for different reasons the rest can’t interpret or vocalize. like, lwj horny gripping for wwx and his unrequited friendship with zyx, and possible jealousy with zl and zyx’s “friendship”. wwx being his disaster self for his two totally-not-crushes crushes and this random interloper. zl annoyed with how touchy wwx is with zyx, plus lwj’s emotional repression. then there’s zyx who has to deal with ALL THREE of them, but completely misses the romantic/jealous/whatever the hell, undertones of the whole thing is just super entertaining for me. bonus points for shuangfeng commentary

my favorite type of mess: one thing happening with ten million different povs/interpretations

it's a bit tricky bc it depends on when they meet again. i think i hinted that there will be zl in the north or somehow the north visits the south, but both situations are post-ssc. you can imagine how charged those interactions will be in a vacuum - adding on the spice of political tensions and blah blah will uh. yeah.

lwj: on wwx: yes on horny gripping, that hasn't changed. contention due to possible demonic cultivation pending. on zyx: his friendship w zyx will get deeper, and more entangled due to zyx's developing intimacy w wwx (<- not in an exclusively romantic sense). aka more Emotions and ascribed deep meanings to every little thing. on zl: and you know how lwj fucking drinks that jc haterade, esp with how he treats wwx? he will be sipping a different flavor of haterade when he sees zl again, esp given that the two didn't make the best first impressions on each other.

wwx: on lwj: lwj is someone he admires, and it's complicated depending on the events within the ssc. this crush is one he still doesn't realize. on zyx: crush is realized. oh fucking no, but he can't help himself. + the events that i have planned during the ssc and between these two, it's also a minefield for wwx. on zl: wow, this upstanding, talented, serious guy that he met before is here! of course he's zyx's martial sibling ('wow my exceptional crush would have exceptional peers'). esp with the issue of the wen afterwards, knowing that zl essentially helped wq and wn's family without self-benefit is admirable. oh. huh. he's... he's a prickly guy, but wwx deals with prickly people all the time :)

zl: on lwj: how did he get worse on wwx: lol it's that funny, rude little guy - *sees wwx full clowning to get zyx's attention* >:| and then noticing whatever wwx's deal is with lwj post-war, how did he also get worse??? on zyx: kinda redacted because there's a thing that will happen in the next few chapters. but at this point he takes more of zyx's actions in good faith, even if the squirrely nature of them tire him out. and the fact that zyx's still interacting with these northern idiots makes him 'they are hopeless. it shouldn't be our problem. let's go home now'

zyx: 'i don't fucking want to be here, and you guys are making it worse. just behave you motherfuckers'

'oh what, they've all met? lol that's between them and the tudi-shen where they have a fistfight' <- still thinks they aren't part of all of this (bc who goes around thinking people have a crush on them?)

(people with better self-esteem and romantic awareness ig)

'no. how... my neural network was... it was wrong...' despair upon realizing that the shuangfeng betting pool was right, and it fucks them up that they don't even know where to begin calibrating their zl behavioral model

=

bonus:

depending on other relationships that could potentially win out late-ssc

all i'm gonna say is imagine zyx thinking they could park zl next to lxc during a discussion conference. 'lxc, for as much as he mortifies me, is a stand-up guy. we've worked things out during the war. zl should like him'

and the tension that ends up between lxc and zl is thicc af

and then zyx erroneously assumes 'oh wow is this a crush? do they like each other??? that's a lotta manly tension imma leave'

#inquiry #Anonymous #on dbd #dbd love shack #^the bonus scene was from old old old obsolete writings of draft dbd #back when there was a definitive lxc endgame #AGAIN DO NOT TAKE ANY OF THESE AS A CONFIRMATION OF ANYTHING #i get fussy about it bc how i'm writing isn't like... #like i want a funny plot and i'll make the characters do it #i'm trying to make things make sense from each character's eyes #which is a perspective that naturally comes about when you start with an si #or maybe writing a realistic si lol idk #ugh i have a lot to say and i can't say it right now because things aren't written yet #i don't wanna promise things or spoil other things #sigh i guess the funniest thought is i know what kind of person i am #and zyx will not know/accept a romantic intent unless it is said plainly #billboard in the skyline #a declaration such that they can't misunderstand or be oblivious to it #but simultaneously they hate overt and overly public gestures and indiscretions of the romantic kind #so to have love they must fucking die of public embarrassment no matter what #today verm bf tried to say something cute #bc we jokingly call making coffee 'making potions' now #he called it a 'love potion' and hugged me #you know what my reflex was? #it was to bite him as hard as possible and thrash out of his hold #like a rabid beast #100% not built for gooiness #so to keep with an honest representation all romantic entanglement and its possibilities won't be the same type of drama as typical romance #but it will still be fucking stupid and hopefully entertaining

[satocidal]

Loved it? Oh, God, you have no idea how much I loved it!

Like, it was softer than I expected and I adored it (I guess I'm too used to my old usual angst coming from my own fingers lmao) and I adored how it felt so realistic honestly like I could totally see Suguru liking someone bold and lively and seemingly almost opposite of himself! (after all, he is Satoru's best friend, lol(

As for Haunting Adeline, it's good (got to like page 150 or so out of almost 600) but I adore so much the tension and how Zade is both a manipulator but deeply obsessive with Addie, ngl

(Can one tell I'm deeply into Alpha/Omega? No? Should I make it clear with a long, detailed description?😅)

I will have to read that Cult!Geto. A lil bit mean, yummy 😋 (especially if he's mean with his d and hand wrapped around my throat—)

As for my friend, she's amazing, but going through a lot lately. Family stress + a relative being unhealthy + first year of Uni knocking+ mental illness is never a nice combo so I do get her but it's like the fifth day and i don't worried as fuck

Did I miss something? 🤔

Oh! The 13 and 15 year difference between us is not that bad considering they're rlly good kids and I love them dearly, ngl. But it does get exhausting. Especially considering I was in a very stressful situation myself not too long ago and still live in it a little (Uni sucks the will from my soul sometimes). Their love does make it worth tho (and the free food and coffee lmao)

Also, it's kinda payment in my mind for how much my sis is helping me rn even tho she'd never hold it over my head (I need new glasses. And while I had the money to spend on said glasses, I had 0 for food and cigs and she's helping me on this one)

But yes, I agree Hacker!Suguru is just ughh. Like, a lil (maybe more) obsessed, absolutely the type to give you the chills, surely could and has killed some really nasty dudes such as traffickers…yeah

Never getting over Suguru being big and strong and intimidating even tho he's such a kind soul, genuinely. I love him dearly (he looks very hot wiping someone else's blood from his skin, sorry not sorry)

~🦊

I love how long this is— and tbh, i knew what I was writing wasn’t like, what you exactly asked for but I was sort of using that idea in a Satoru fic and 😭 yes. Because angst in fact is>>>> and tbh why I see him going for someone like that is because it probably makes him learn a lot, like shows perspectives yk?

Personally I’m not into yandere or omega/alpha dynamics but the maybe I’ve just not delved into the right stuff — altho I think I won’t be into it, I feel like I should try reading on it more to get a good idea on it. As in, it helps writing but be my guest and explain as much as you’d like lmao

I won’t spoil much and it’s not any particular plot lmao I just initially wanted to write smut but then idk and it’s like cult geto and you’re a non-sorcerer but at the same time he’s sort of in love with you (classic and obviously). I don’t expect much interaction on it with people and I’m so afraid because many people (like yk the bigger and more popular fandom writers) have already done this idea so it is overdone slightly? But I just wanted a go at it.

That’s good for you for sure because I personally could never💀 I just really don’t at all like kids and I do hope things get better for you soon.

And I just saw this feel like this hacker guy and this girl (idk what movie’s edit it was but istg that’s my inspo now) though I do apologise because it may take me a day or two (a week?) to deliver because I got this test coming up. And suguru who can manhandle you>>> wait though- suguru wiping your blood (just as an idea sorry if you’re not into that!)

#from.🦊baby #☼࿐𝐑𝐎𝐌𝐄.𝐍𝐄𝐈𝐆𝐇𝐁𝐎𝐔𝐑𝐒 #☼࿐𝐈𝐧𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐢𝐧𝐠→ #I love your ideas so much #like the literal perfect #though like I need to expand more on Nanami and toji these days😭 because they look so empty where in gojo and geto get all my attention

[seelestia]

that's what i get for always spending time with him i guess lmao and yes ofc you're v v welcome to invade my inbox anytime you so wish <3

the two hu taos running around is sure to turn anyone's hair grey lol i can't for the life of me imagine the shenanigans you're both up to when put together /j

ah the social status gap ;;;; THAT'S 3 TROPES IN ONE HLDJSFLKSJDL OH MY LORD i can already taste the bitter angst at the tip of my tongue....

I THINK SO lol black + blue palette on ayato... and with all the signature fatui accessories... gosh. i really can't. any artists seeing this, if you ever want to draw it please tag me 🙏🏻 yeah no the moment he starts liking your presence you're locked in for life sis i am so sorry- /j

that's so fast sldkjfsldf i'm still on part 2 atm and i probably won't continue anytime soon cause of vacation plans sobsob

the rng gods blessed you with that one lollll nahh i am hopeless at building characters i tell you. i have no idea what i'm doing 80% of the time 🤣 i'm just here for the lore and music/voice and zhongli ✨

literally us:

"a child holding a bomb is two terrible signs manifested into one." i am dead, deceased, wheezing, tearing up with laughter-

oh al haitham is coming home whether he wants it or not 😈 i think i might skip 3.1 banners entirely in favor of saving up... the remelting tablet has got me hooked on ayato's playstyle so i'm eyeing for when he reruns too. probably not gonna be soon but still... also i want scara when he comes out solely bc his jp va lmao (and on that note, maybe childe hmmm)

definitely, more chars >>>>>>> constellations!!! yeah that's actually a good thinking hahah being on guaranteed is fun but also stressful sometimes.... my brother is at 60 pity rn and he actually wanted dori but he doesn't dare to pull bc he doesn't like ganyu or kokomi's playstyle lol rip

oooo strawberry and passionfruit tea, those sounds gooooood <3

i imagine zhongli very much approves of our tea addiction lol

atp, you should put copying zhongli's speech to a tee as your hidden talent 😭 i guess, this is what happens when you write for him sm, huh?? + all that listening to his voicelines, uh-huhhh 👀 i cannot blame you for that will also be me when i get ayato 🚶 (the day i start using, "ah, yes. naturally." like him is the day you'd know i've gone off of the deep end /j)

i may make your hair grey, but you will love me either way, right??? *innocently bats eyelashes* (/lh) hu tao and lia in one room would fr be the most effective aging process because i'd honestly laugh at her jokes and then add on to them 😭 also, i vividly recall that one time when zhongli did his osmanthus wine idle and i just absentmindedly responded, "i think your friends are six feet under tho". THE SILENCE AFTERWARDS WAS SO LOUD. idk how i can be both chaotic and chill at the same time (is this where my venti side comes out /j)

a love triangle with ayato and thoma is such a concept 🙏 but with a more realistic twist to it and with that, comes the harsh realization that reality brings. after all, a fairytale-like love is pleasant to indulge in; an escape, an almost surreal-like lantern of hope but you can't keep your head buried in books forever, can you? reality where capitalism reigns (/j) will always call, whether you wish to turn a blind eye to it or not. MMM, REALITY, THE ENEMY OF DAYDREAMERS *hiss* 🤺 (/lh)

fatui!ayato, what an enigma (don't lock me up, please. at least, let rin jie visit me because she'll help bail me out /j) 👀 yeahhh, you can't escape him if he's locked onto you <//3 which makes me think about how he'd be as your ex... i feel like ayato would be that smiling yet salty on the inside + passive aggressive ex. LOLLL he would 100% sneakily trip your new partner in public and extend an oh-so gracious and concerned helping hand to them (wowww, talk about sneaky).

rin jie, the only thing keeping me going with the quests is the aranara's <//3 i just divided the quests neatly, so i followed the process of completing at least one or two quests per day — THIS WAS EXACTLY HOW I DID MY STUDYING AND I GOT WAR FLASHBACKS FROM MY LAST EXAMS 😭 i love it when i apply my studying technique to long genshin quests, hehehe 🥸🏃 (/s)

who cares about meta because even at ar 50+, we're just cruising thru 🏂 does your brother beg to differ with his op builds??? we shall abandon him. (/j) i still remember when you told me he started building diluc after the new skin was released LOLLL and speaking of !! have you read up on enkanomiya's lore yet??? because remember my boy, caelin?? i think i might post his profile soon 👀 but absolutely dw if you haven't, the lore related to enkanomiya is only in the trivia section at the very end~

YEAHHHH, the way we are saving for both al-haitham and ayato 🤝 no because i was so happy when i saw ayato in the fayz trials + remelting tablet event 😭 the way he does his normal attacks, hello??? it was enjoyable being an ayato main even for a few minutes, i'm getting a taste of my future <//3 but let's wish scara and al-haitham won't be on the same banner because that shall be your true test + you're softening up to childe, it aeems??? 👀

#your brother isn't gonna take a chance for dori huh HELDPOWK i hope he'll get her again in the future! >:) #and tell zhongli i said ty for approving my fondness of tea and sorry for giving him grey hair (/lh) #i hope you're having a nice day! auper ultra mega life-squeezing hugs for rin jie 🫂 (don't suffocate /j) #ask box! 📬 #visitor: dearest rin! 💠

[nocvil]

*            ‐            ․            ↺            𝙄𝙉𝙏𝙍𝙊𝘿𝙐𝘾𝙄𝙉𝙂 . . .  ｓｏｏ ｂｏｇｕｍ . hitman        .        caretaker        .        the heel        .        a masked hell        .

❝   my love     ,     my love     ,     my love     ,     won't you stay a while     ?   ❞

possible tw’s below: parental death mention, illness mentions, murder for hire mentions, and uh m,,, i think that’s it rlly. just warning ok.

GENERAL INFO

full name: soo bogum ( 수 보검 ). nickname(s): bo, sweetie pie to his mother (: gender & pronouns: cismale, he/him. sexual & romantic orientation: aromantic, demisexual. age & dob: twenty-five, november 8th, 19-- birthplace/hometown: seoul, sk. parents/siblings: only child, deceased father, living mother. pet(s): absolutely not LOL. astrological sign: scorpio. >:-) dominant hand: both! handwriting style: mostly writes in very slanted cursive. i feel like when you see things like royal documents signed or very important letters written back in the day with that vintage cursive ... that would be bogum. language(s) known/spoken: spanish, english, korean. religion: LOL. ok. current living arrangements: a two-bedroom, two bath apartment complex with his older, npc mother. it is pretty spacious given they both have their own room, a kitchen, dining space, their own bathrooms, and a patio. bo has the money if you kno what i mean ... (: occupation/major: hitman.

PHYSICAL

picture reference: uhh... this? this look rlly gives off bogum vibes so (: blood type: type O. nationality: korean. skin tone/color: lighter tanned. birthmarks & scars: heheh wouldn’t u like to kno ??? height: five-foot ten inches. 5′10″. build: pretty average, more on the lean/athletic side though. hair color: red. hair length: uhm ,, look at reference photo? eye color: brown. diet: uhm ... bo has a pretty average diet probably. he would eat just about anything, not very picky. i think he probably has his favorites when it comes to chips and candy but he doesn’t have a special diet. exercise & level of fitness: LOOOL. let me not make a bad joke here ): how’s their posture ( or lack thereof )?: bogum probably has really good posture! i think standing tall with a straight back probably adds to his uh... authoritative look?  typical style of dress: ( from his stats page ) dresses a bit old school, vintage?, almost plain. likes wearing tucked in and cuffed shirts, rolled up pants, boots, baseball caps, at least three rings on one hand, gold bracelets. the following outfits aren’t specific to him but they are probably kinda similar. it’s hard to rlly find exact examples ): (  1  /  2  /  3  /  4  ) body modifications: none, surprisingly. probably pierced ears that he never puts earrings in. that’s really it though. he would prob like a tattoos but wouldn’t do it for the sake of his career ( because tattoos are distinguishing features ).

MANNERISMS

how does your muse walk?: def with a bit of power in his step. very protective when he is with his mother. mostly, he would walk like he calculates every single step he takes. how does your muse talk?: HAHA i just talked about this with myungok’s mun ,, he would talk very plain and probably without a lot of emotion. this would make things that are usually out of pocket probably sound kinda weird.  what accent/dialect does your muse talk with?: he is from seoul and according to google, they speak with a gyeonggi dialect there (: how would you describe the tone of their voice? are they loud or quiet?: QUIET... shh... if you speak too loud you won’t hear bogum speaking with such monotoned you could probably fall asleep. bogum asmr when?  what does their laugh sound like?: bogum? LAUGHING? i feel like bogum chuckles. so he would have like a short, quiet laugh. how does your muse typically smell?: either like smoke from a cigarette or like his mom’s perfume. what kind of air do they carry?: well jinae’s mun said he would have a dark and heavy presence and honestly that rlly fits the bill. do they have a(ny) catchphrase(s)?: time to die. what are their nervous ticks?: um.. not sure. probably knuckle cracking and finger tapping.

PSYCHOLOGY

what makes your muse happiest?: his mommy! seeing his mom thrive and gain her confidence back, even momentarily, makes him so happy. what upsets them the most?: ugh. listen. i talked abt this with some of y’all but the thought that if he ever got exposed or arrested ... how everyone in his life, including his mother, would just abandon him ... CRIES. was this supposed to be a general question? does your muse have any quirks?: i think his tendency to just be way too lax in certain situations would be his infamous quirk. what are their hobbies? how frequent do/can they do them?: bogum is definitely a simple man. he would totally like puzzles, word searches, watching the news, scrapbooking ( YES, SCRAPBOOKING ), taking walks, shopping with his mom, writing, idk, he doesn’t do anything OD or over the top. shrug. do they have any guilty pleasures?: is your muse an extrovert or an introvert? neither?: 10000% introverted otl. do they have high or low self-esteem? what about confidence?: uhm... bogum probably has an average amount of confidence/self-esteem. he’s a realist, definitely. if he look ugly he look ugly. if he look good he look good. ‘nuff said. are they easily stressed and how do they normally respond to it?: stressed? bogum could be in the midst of a bank robbery and be sitting there like ok, y’all done yet? what is your muses worst fear?: his mother finding out about his job. what is your muses biggest dream?: to either escape his job for good or to be able to heal his mother of all her injuries and illnesses. but of course, neither of those will ever happen! is your muse a morning person or a night dragon?: a night dragon? ok. anyway he is probably both. i can see bogum getting like four hours of sleep and waking up like (: let’s fuckin go! how intelligent is your muse? do they acknowledge it?: OH BOGUM has street smarts but definitely probably not book smarts. at least, not a great amount of book smarts. how can he be a hitman if he’s DUMM?! describe their sense of humor: LMAO. the real question is how can someone as funny as ME play someone as BORING as bogum?

RELATIONSHIP TENDENCIES

are they currently in any sexual or romantic relationships?: HELL NO. luuuul. what is their experience with relationships?: to really think about it, bo probably had feelings for people here and there and most likely dated short term in high school but after he moved and began doing that he kind of lost all his effort to pursue romance. how does your muse view the idea of friends with benefits? have they ever had one? would they ever?: another hell naw to that sis. how important is sex to your muse?: not important at all. bogum could care less. what are their biggest turn on and turn offs?: see above pls. does your muse find it easy to make friends?: i say yes, only because most of his friends are through his mother. how important is friendship to them?: veRY IMPORTANT if bogum didn’t have the friends he has today, he probably would be a lot more sad and maybe more than just a hitman ): quantity or quality of friends?: quality! how important is family?: VERY IMPORTANT AGAIN bogum would give his life for his mother and to have his father back. are they close to their family? why or why not ?: YES. obviously asdfasdf everyone probably knows why. although bogum is now the one who runs the house, he still really values his mother because she ultimately has nobody but him in the end if she gets worse. his parents were always really good to him and when his father died, he knew that he and his mother had to stick together through it. he also knew that that he had to step up to provide for his mother because of her injuries and dementia. she is his life, really.

FAVORITES

activity: haha. you really wanna kno?... he likes word searches a lot. animal: idk. probably like. idk.  beverage: mmmm some piping hot tea. book: - color: is red cliche to say? designer: - food:  flower:  water lilies, pansies, lilies, peonies, idk, he would love all kinds of flowers. gem: i googled these. if he had a favorite it would be garnet, smoked topaz, and morion. holiday: christmas! his mother’s favorite too, probably. mode of transportation: walking, usually. movie: -  musical artist: oh boy, uhm,, i bet bogum likes indie kpop. like dean, suran, hyukoh, but i dont rlly know a lot to give you more details. quote / saying: - scenery: hm. probably night time in the living room, mom is put to bed already, he’s watching a rerun episode of a crime drama on television and thinking about how it’s so unrealistic. he’s got a beer in one hand and a cigarette in the other though he puts it out halfway through because he loses interest. (: scent: i think he’d like the smell of cleaning products, flower scents ( bc it would remind him of his mom ), and metal (: obviously. weather: cloudy or rainy weather. anything that let’s him stay inside for the day. vacation destination: UM. i bet bogum would like to travel out of country to places like europe.

ATTITUDES

greatest dream: to finally have a peaceful life with his mother by his side, healthy or not. he wants to stop being a hitman, really, but it’s kind of like an addiction, plus he’s good at it, and it brings in the bacon. greatest fear: being caught and leaving his mother by herself -- it would be like the ultimate let down since he doesn’t trust anyone with her. most at east when: pls see scenery in section above. least as ease when: out in public by himself. he doesn’t have his mom as his cover. worst possible thing that could happen: PLS SEE GREATEST FEAR. ajdfkjasdfskf biggest achievement: moving to seoul safely with his mom! biggest regret: falling back into the crime life. most embarrassing moment: idk i feel like bogum isn’t embarrassing. he’s too ,, plain. biggest secret: LMAO well ... i think we all know. top priorities: keeping his mom safe, alive, healthy, and her bills paid for. also keeping himself undercover for the most part and making sure neither him or his mother are overwhelmed.

EXTRA TIDBITS

001. bogum is an unhealthy smoker but a social drinker. he never smokes around his mother though.

002. whenever bogum’s mother is around, he is on his own best behavior. he always does his best to be nice and keep up an image of her sweet son although by himself he can be different.

003. so far the only person who knows about his job is sangwoo because he sort of saw him in the act during his first hit. the two joke about it but bogum would take him out in a heartbeat if he spills.

004. i think it’s funny because i always pictured bogum as that person would give the shirt off of his back for you if you were in trouble. but he also wouldn’t hesitate to threaten to make you disappear.

005. his mom doesn’t know how he gets the money to pay for everything but bogum has her believing he “has his ways” and to “just trust him” although she asks about it every now and then.

006. though he stays inside a lot, some of the places you might see bogum outside of his apartment, are grocery stores close to his place, bars around town, museums, little cafes picking up things for his mother, dawon’s flower shop, and very occasionally places where there are a lot of drug activity.

007. here is smth: bogum is a hitman because his father was killed in a hit!

008. despite his mom questioning where he earns his money, his family has always been pretty well off but that was because of his father. so now that his father isn’t alive, it’s kind of ... fishy.

009. lmao probably your very typical scorpio minus the s*xual stuff.

010. my brain stopped working.

AESTHETICS

a card hand full of royals. empty, dark hospital hallways. dirty hands under black leather gloves. an empty, lonely wheelchair. old black and white photographs. an ashtray full of half smoked cigarettes. ripped up diary pages. rolled up fifty dollar bills. two expensive rings on each finger. responding “k” to a paragraph long text message. tri-folded letters written in the upmost calligraphy. roman numeral clocks.

#daegu:task #⸢ 。‧ * ‧﹒、i think it’s time to pack it in . 𝒹𝑒𝓋𝑒𝓁𝑜𝓅𝓂𝑒𝓃𝓉 . ⸥ #I ADDED my own section at the bottom bc why not (: #ok i see u all later

[the-cryptographer]

tagged by @mai-valentine

RULES: Always post the rules. Answer the questions asked, then write 11 new ones. Tag 11 people to answer your questions, as well as the person who tagged you.

1. Who is the first person you think about when you wakeup?

Do I think of anyone when I wake up? I think, ‘I have to feed the dogs!!’ and ‘Is my grandma okay?!‘ but that’s after checking emails. The way I check my emails and this site is actually kind of obsessive and kind of compulsive. I need to stop.

2. if you had unlimited amount of money, how would you decorate your room?

Sliding bookshelves. Wall to wall. With one of those sliding ladders too~

3. what is your definition of love?

It’s like, you care a lot about somebody? You’ll know it when you see it... maybe? Obviously I have ppl I love, but it means different things in different circumstances so it’s hard for me to define, lol. And there are borderline cases too. What is love? idk, but I do feel like people have to define it for themselves on a case-by-case circumstance. I also feel like it’s wrong to try and dictate what is or isn’t love for other people.

4. do you believe in soul mates

No. Like, actually I’m pretty strongly against the idea but I try to be lowkey about it, lol. Having had people die on me, and having seen people who are really in love go through horribly difficult circumstances that makes it hard for them to be around each other, and having seen people be really wholly in love with people they can’t stop hurting... no. I think there are lots of people that could be right for one another given hard work and cooperation and the right time and circumstances. And sometimes things don’t work out with someone, but that person was still there for you for a while when you needed them, and I don’t think them not being able to live up to some myth of a forever perfect person makes the time they were there worth any less.

5. do you believe in SOULS in general

Yes, I do. I don’t really have any logical backdrop for it. But I’ve had a couple funny personal experiences and believe nonetheless.

6. where do we go after we die?

Unknown ;)

7. if you discovered that when you die you simply cease to exist and nothing more or less, would you live your life any differently, would you continue to live at all?

Si. I would continue to live. Not any differently either. I do believe there is something eternal about the soul, but I’m not convinced 100%. and, tbh, transience is terribly underrated. Sometimes things are beautiful because they do not last. Anyhow, I try to live my life so that I can be proud of what I’ve done in the context of this world. Obvs I’m not proud of everything, and I struggle a lot and make mistakes, but I’m already just trying to do the best I can for this life and for no other reasons. I’ll worry about the next life if and when I get there.

8. you have 1 day left to live and the power to see one person before you die. who do you see

Like, do I only get to see one person before I die, or do I see everyone I’d usually see on my daily schedule? Am I gonna be reunited with people in death? This question is too hard. I’d want to see my mom, or grandpa, or best friend, or my old coach, depending on the circumstances.

9. your closest friend is dying but you can trade your life to save them. do you do it

I... don’t know. I’m scared of the answer, tbh. I might just go ahead with it bc the chance of the guilt inadvertently killing me if I don’t seems rather high.

10. a dog and a baby are crossing the street and abt to get hit by a car bbut u can only save one. what do u do

Realistically, I’d probably freeze under the pressure and melt into an anxiety puddle and both would die, lol.

I like dogs more than babies. I don’t really like children until they reach about 3 or 4 years of age. But I’d save the baby. I think human life and emotion take precedence over dogs. And I don’t want devastated parents grieving their baby. Like, having your dog die is also traumatic, but it’s something everyone has to deal with anyhow given short dog lifespans. Otoh, it’s realistic to at least hope that parents will never have to deal with burying their kids.

11. do you think people who dont take christmas lights down are annoying?

No. I find Christmas lights cheerful all year round. I mean, I take mine down. But seeing other people leave them up makes me smile :)

My 11 questions:

1. Favourite Pokemon?

2. Have you ever been on a boat?

3. Would you rather live on an island off the coast, or in the mountains?

4. Do you have an idea what your dream job would be?

5. How did you get into fandom life?

6. Favourite thing to eat for breakfast?

7. Do you have any pets?

8. Do you grow any plants? Got a potted cactus anywhere :p

9. Do you have a ship you’re really into at this moment and a specific scenario you’re considering for them? Share.

10 + 11. Choose two of Mai-Valentine’s questions and answer them. I like them but they are angsty. This way you can choose the difficulty and angst level on what you answer :)

Do I know 11 ppl *checks list* I GUESS I DO?!?! I’m actually going to tag more of you. Some of you I’ve talked to quite a bit, and others I haven’t really talked to at all. But we’re all mutuals and if you’re just shy it can be like a ~get to know you~ kind of thing if you’re into that bc I am curious and like hearing about ppl. (I also like hearing about non-mutuals, if you want to do it and tag me.) So... Sorry if this seems invasive or rude or strange. You only have to answer if you’d like to- Please don’t feel obligated on my behalf. @a-gay-elephant-called-jonathan @alectoperdita @aquaburst07 @baratheas @battymarionette @cherishtheadolesence @emblematik @improfem @kiwi-jien @ljmjn @napkintr @nenya85 @oneeyefish @silent-kea @rainstormcolors @trion-revolutionary

:’)

#status update

[sanguinesprout]

Therapy/Counselling Diary #10 (plus some nuggets of cheeriness and tidbits of gloominess)

Eeee! I’ve been feeling quite the bit more chipper this week me thinks, I feel my efforts and confidence have grown some and even my sis has been noticing and congratulated meeeee ;w; I hope this continues onto next week and beyond! To infinity and beyond! ^^ (Too bad it doesn’t help my terrible memory all that much tho but hmm feels good, man lol and I did make sure to write a few notes so that’s something! :D)

So, my 10th appointment. It actually went pretty good! That sheet which I had to do with the emotions/thoughts/evidence columns and the sort of recap of what I learned, I did end up leaving them till last minute again (like literally less than an hour before the appointment, such badness ahh) but I scrawled it quick and I am so glad I write these posts here because without them I wouldn’t have remembered a lot of the stuff I needed to write! :3 Both physically and mentally, repetition is key! Accidental rhyming wheee!

So, as usual she asked how I was and I just said same-y same as usual, then we went over the sheet I wrote on. She told me to read them out to her and it kinda felt like uhhh but I guess it’s better than her attempting to read my scrawly writing haha. I didn’t read them word for word and some sections were omitted because she asked me for specific columns and stuff though but the main stuff got across. I re-wrote the few things I wrote on the previous sheet, about me going to shops on my own and walking to the post office and trying to converse with customers.

Generally with all of those situations and other similar ones my feelings would be stuff like ‘anxious, tense, nervous, self-conscious, tense, alert, awkward’ rated at a score of something between 80-95% and my thoughts were things like ‘they’re probably wondering what I’m doing there’, ‘they probably think I’m weird/awkward/look a mess or am even stealing’, ‘maybe someone will recognise me or can see I’m anxious’. The evidence to support this was uh, well, tbh I think I wrote nothing (or very little) and I kinda expected this in a way but I guess it depends on how hard you try to nitpick and negatively view the smaller details. 

The lesson is not to speculate and not jump the gun and make all these negative assumptions. Those irrational thoughts up in your mind have no real support, proving they hold not truth and are not to be listened to. They shouldn’t hold you back from doing things you want to do because they’re not real, just your mind conjuring ways to try bring yourself down with false beliefs of things based on past negative things and things that will never actually happen. You ain’t fooling no one no mores mr.snarky pants negative mind! >3<

I did manage to go to the post office again on my own, this time to post something and it went pretty smoothly, except on the way back this one random guy smoking outside his house commented to me something like ‘you should smile, you’ll get up the hill’ and then I kind of awkwardly smiled and walked past quickly and he was like ‘that’s better’. I was walking up a kind of hilly street, maybe a bit huffy looking and deep in concentration, when I saw that guy (he was conversing with someone else at first) and made eye contact a few metres away I actually did try to make myself smile a bit, but I was still feeling kind of tense (especially in my walking too) and I guess my super resting bitch face just didn’t shift and so came the awks.

Because of all the shizz in my past it instantly made me think he was well, mocking me about my appearance, but I pushed that aside immediately because I know this is just a negative assumption, but still I kept thinking back on it and feeling uncomfortable, especially because I actually kind of tried but the opposite happened, sucks. The counsellor told me that she had a similar situation in the past (except it was a gesture to smile while in her car on the road) and at first she felt kind of annoyed and was like wtf because whether she smiled or not was not this person’s business and she needn’t follow a strangers instruction. Yeah, that’s the feeling I had too exactly. But she said that even though this happened, she didn’t let it get to her and ruin her day and even though she wanted to flip him off she just ignored him (she talked quite colloquially and it was pretty awesome lol)

On the other hand though, I do definitely see the comment I got could have been something intended to genuinely try encourage me or cheer me up and I just took it the wrong way at first (though the comment it self is kinda uncomfortably worded imo). I don’t want to overanalyse the words or situation too much though, but I do feel it leans way more to the positive intention, or that’s what I’m gonna stick with, gotta not let my mind make it a negative. Anyways I got past that and idc about it anymore bc it’s true, it’s my face and imma do whatever I want with it *glares infinitely with short sightedness*. I remember reading an article online in the past about people expecting women to be all smiley all the time or something but who on earth would even be able to smile 24/7 and anyways do everything for yourself as always. 

Even the counsellor agreed that no one could walk around smiling all the time, but when you do smile, even a forced one, it is proven to make you feel a little more happy and it sure does, helps me feel a little more confident and positive too. My sis says she has problems with smiling a lot and sometimes asks me how she looks and I’ve read other people struggle with it to and have to practice it. I’ve kinda been inadvertently practicing it myself, but never really held one out in public unless I genuinely felt cheerful, though lately I have been trying to get more comfortable with it and it’s going alright. Being more observant of others and the little things that naturally bring smiles helps too, there’s a lot to appreciate out there like the pretty scenery and weather, cute kiddies and elderly people, it gives back the feeling that everything’s not all that bad out there and that there’s a lot more things to smile about ^^

Anyways back to what I was saying about the sheet. There was also a column supporting against the thoughts and I put some things like ‘no one recognised me or approached me about things’ (maybe excluding dat 1 guy of course lol) and there was a column for a more realistic view on things and I wrote stuff like ‘everyone is busy doing their own thing’ (aka. no1curr lol) then proceeded to re-score my feelings and they dropped down to something between the range of uhhh ‘30-70%’ (I don’t have the sheet on me so moar memory fails lol). It shows that everything is actually nowhere near as bad as you’d assume, if you never tried you wouldn’t have been able to see this and would have been stuck still thinking the same catastrophic things and even escalating them further and scaring yourself more. You need to take a more realistic view on things, base things on facts and not believe what you hear from the dark space in your head or see through pessimism clouded glasses.

During all this discussion she praised me a lot, told me how far I’ve come and I was like ‘uhh ahhh thanks’ and ‘it’s thanks to you’ and she was like no no it’s all your doing >< She also praised me about going to the shoe shop and getting my refund (lol) and going to other places especially on my own. I am very thankful for her help and her pushing me to get my lazy mopey ass up, counselling/therapy do recommend! ^^ I’m glad I decided to go and I’m glad I tried because it really helped me get out of this dark hole I fell in and lived in for so long, though I still roll back down there a lot but at least I know how to get out now! Only one session left, feel kind of sad about it *sigh* I kinda feel like I wanna gift something but idk if I should (or what I would give anyways, I’m so hella poor and indecisive rn) ;;

The next thing we did was talk about my next steps towards my goal of getting a job. She told me to volunteer at some places like charities so that I’d be able to gain the experience and have references. I took the idea on board but was thinking maybe I could get some work experience at where my sister works if possible. I’m kinda chickening out a little I know, but I have actually gained a little bit of experience from a charity shop before in the past during school time and I can’t say I loved the experience, not to say this time would be the same but idk... tbh I really like where my sis works, I would love to actually apply for it someday, to have a taste of it now would be very useful to me. Who knows how things will go or where I’ll be next, it could go really great if I try hard enough, I really need to believe in myself more and learn to just go with the flow.

My sis was feeling a bit sad about work lately though, that the pay is not high enough and said something to me like ‘if you were working we wouldn’t be struggling as much’ and it totally drained away any cheerfulness I had that day. If I could have, I would’ve been working years ago like I wanted to, it’s just... ahhhhh..! *eternal wailing and angst*. My sister helps my parents financially often when needed and funds things for me too, there’s that feeling of me being a burden again, but I am trying this time..! Feels bad man ;; Now’s not the time to be falling back into gloominess, one of my biggest motivations to work and make money is so my parents won’t have to, so they can rest and have free time to have fun, so we can spend time together too! I want to be able to save up enough money so we can all go somewhere nice and afford nice things. I need to try much much harder, c’mon I can do it..!

She didn’t ask about the recap notes I was asked to write, so I prompted her about it and I’m glad I did (and didn’t just hope she forgot so she wouldn’t look at it like how I always tried to wiggle out of my homework being seen at school lol), because none of it was wrong or silly like I thought it may be, in fact it was great! (Hah! Eat those facts silly thoughts!). I read it all out and she was impressed and praised me about that too, that I had learned all these things and remembered them and taken them on board successfully. For next time I have a whole bunch of sheets to fill in, ones to do with what I’ve learned and my goals for the future etc. I‘m already feeling that mental fatigue just thinking about it, but I’m not gonna leave it till last minute this time! Time to break the habit and just do it!!

In my own time, I do feel I am more comfortable going out more, even though its just something as mundane as going to the supermarket, but not feeling so anxious or afraid feels great! I feel like I can almost be ‘normal’ in those kinds of environments. I went to the big shopping centre again, this time with my sis’s bf’s mum there too and I made lots of effort to converse with her even though I suck at speaking my second language, I tried real hard and it was good and my sis was impressed and even I’m proud of myself. I wanted to be less awkward with relatives and I feel I’ve begun to slowly bridge that gap lately, build up better relationships or impressions and such.

In the shopping centre I browsed around feeling pretty comfy and chipper, the only time I tensed a little was when buying food in a busy food court, passing some guys (lame I know) and when I had some awk but kinda comically awkward moments with the store guy at this shoe shop I went to, but I tried real hard there too and I successfully got some shoes in the end for me (and my mum too) and they were much comfier than that previous shop I had to refund to lol! I still haven’t worn them out yet and they are still a lil snug for me but I hope they loosen a little over time and become real comfy like the old ones I have and wear all the time. (Afterwards I noticed that guy at the shoe shop reaaaally reminds me of this one from one of those viral twitter posts too and I can’t unsee it lmaooo xD)

I feel like I’ve been taking care of myself a bit better, so my appearance improved a little and my self confidence has gone up a little more which is also why I’m feeling better about going out. I wanna continue to try do things to improve myself, for myself! As with everything, the more effort, the better the result! :D I want to stop bringing up excuses for why I can’t go out or do things, because there is nothing really stopping me but myself and my habitual unwillingness. I can do everything if I put my mind to it hoo! (Or maybe not put my mind to it? You know ‘cause it likes to go off on it’s own spiral of doom haha)

I also baked the same cookies I made previously but with an improved/non-improvised recipe and it turned out even better omnomnom ^^ I also tried making hummus and well it wasn’t great but it wasn’t bad, it was good for a first try! I wanna try make something else next, I’m pumped! Keep trying, keep learning! :D

In my art related postings, I’m still kind of hibernating and I really really hate that I’m still like this, I’m still seriously overthinking things here and it makes me so mad at myself uuuugh! I keep itching to comment on things too but have been holding myself back there too cause I still feel ashamed and am just hiding and avoiding again. I keep waiting for the motivation to come or a spell of confidence or even numbness to the fear of judgement but it’s just wasting more time because I’m not doing or moving forward. I don’t want to be too hard on myself though, because the other things have been taking up my time and thought space and are technically much more important but I do want to also get somewhere with this too. Man, I’m such a frustrating person .___.”

I read somewhere recently that motivation only really comes after you tried and showed yourself you can do it and then it spurs you on. I feel this is very true. Even though I have not been able to sit down and commit myself to drawing or experimenting with mediums seriously yet, I’ve still done some small comforting doodles on scraps when driven by my feelings or boredom and even though they aren’t the most beautiful and detailed things, I still like them and impressed myself a little too, it does make me want to try some more. So why aren’t I doing so? Remember it doesn’t have to be perfect silly me! It doesn’t matter what other people think! Do it for yourself! >w<

Now that I’ve written this post imma do something good and useful and fulfilling! I’ll either fill in those sheets for next week, do some art related things or spend time with my parents! I can do it! I’m doing well! I can do even better! Go go go! *^*

Have a great evening! Keep going! ^^

#therapy #avpd #social anxiety #anxiety #depression #thoughts #feelings #family #nothing ventured nothing gained #baby steps #don't miss out on nice things because of those nasty little irrational thoughts #view everything from a realistic pov #it's okay for things to not be perfect #you're stronger thank you think #keep growing #go with the flow #believe in yourself #try your best! #you can do it! #let's art and kick ass!